ZenophobiaAn excessive fear of people who practice Eastern Philosophy. Heres looking at you, kid.What Humphrey Bogart said to his goat. Scream of consciousness writingStephen Kings creative process. A terminal situationthe result of the evil workings of a computer virus. Slush fundextra revenue needed for snow plowing. Cold wara snowball fight. Class warfarethe annual snowball fight between the juniors and seniors. A farmera man outstanding in his field. Laughing stockticklish cattle. A steering committeea beef cartel. Genetic engineeringdesigner genes. Zen paradoxtwo boat docks owned by Master Po. Cell phonesissued to prisoners for good behavior. Overexposurewhy the photos of the porn queen didnt turn out. The Opiate of the Massesthe boy on the Andy Griffith Show. Tombstone Pizzawhat the undead love to eat. Lake Eriethe official Halloween Great Lake. Ghost writeran author of scary stories. Web sitestraps for unwary insects. Heads will roll!what the gardener says to the cabbage patch. Graveyard shifta skeleton crew. Wrap musicperformed by The Mummies. The Hunchback of Notre Damenamed All-American last year. Talk between giraffes is over our heads. Be a tissue donor. Give me a Kleenex. Dracula asked the blood bank for a withdrawal. Dracula refused to bite the neck of the beautiful young woman because she wasnt his type. Waxing philosophicalreading Plato by candlelight. I stand corrected. Overheard at a chiropractors office. A chicken was found dead at the scene of the crime. Fowl play is suspected. All of the toilets were stolen from the police station. There are no clues to the crime. The cops have nothing to go on. The English ChannelWhat British folks watch on the telly. Film strips were banned in Boston. The cannibal gave his son a skull because he wanted him to get ahead. A major traffic jamwhat an overturned Smuckers jelly truck causes. A gallon of Behr paint. What a grizzly uses to decorate his den. Bean supper scheduled. Music will follow. What happens when the District Attorney gets a major crime family to testify? The Sopranos sing. The robber ordered the clown to stick em up and dont try anything funny. The newspaper writer in charge of obituaries is the Mourning Editor. Where are todays Washingtons, Jeffersons, Jacksons? Theyre playing basketball. Transcendental Meditationwhat a Zen Buddhist does before the dentist applies the drill. Queen Mary is having bottom scraped. When they told me I was gullible, I believed them. When the patient was diagnosed as a kleptomaniac, the doctor ordered him to take something for it. How can senior citizens who play 15 bingo cards at once get confused by a butterfly ballot? Mr. and Mrs. Potatohead considered Tom Brokaw to be just a common-tater. Why would psychics need a hot line? The duck ordered chap stick and told the clerk to put it on his bill. The cat swallowed a dollar bill. No change yet. It takes a child to raze a village. Hypocrite: One who complains about sex, bad language, and violenceon his DVDs. No, the Wicked Witch of the East did not merely suffer from symbolic fears of being crushed. Ignore apathy! Procrastinate now! A peeping tom called and asked the elderly woman to close her bedroom shade. The kindergarten teacher was working way too hard. She said, I have to get up real early, when the big hand is on 12 and the little hand is on 5. After the little beaver carved a totem pole out of a tree, his mother told him to stop playing with his food. All generalizations are false. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep. Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes. Gun control is a good aim. Annual Psychics Dinner Notice: You know where. You know when. Goldilocks gets grilled: Have you ever broke into a strangers home, played on their furniture, ate their food, and fell asleep on their bed? Sheriff to outlaw: Theres a stagecoach leaving in ten minutes. Be under it. Purranoia: The fear that your cat WILL get you. What vegetable is served with roadkill? Squash. Gravity: Its not just a good idea; its the law. Youre having a bad day when your twin sister forgets your birthday. Instant Analysis: When the shrink, possibly named Dr. Phil, tells you to stop whining and get on with your life. [That would save you a few thousand bucks.] Stephen King says he has the heart of a small boyin a jar on his desk. Epitaph on tombstone: Here lies Johnny Yeast. Pardon me for not rising. Life without geometry is pointless. The International Association of Clairvoyants conference will begin by reading next years minutes. A three-legged dog walked into the Old West saloon and told the bartender: Im lookin fer the man that shot my paw. Is that the banjo players Porsche? Whats the rarest question in the English language? Doctor: I cant figure out whats wrong with you. I think it may be due to drinking. Patient: Okay. Ill come back when youre sober. Life not only begins at 40, it begins to show. In case of fire, dont panic. Simply flee the building with the same reckless abandon that occurs every day at quitting time. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The flight attendant says, Im sorry, only one carrion allowed per passenger. Why did the leopard go and attack a perfectly nice juggler when his pal told him to attack the jugular? Q. What horrible-tasting candy does a Hindu Minnesotan get for his evil deeds? A. Bad Caramel. Q. What do you get when you cross a famous childrens book with the Internet? A. Charlottes Web Site. The perfect shoes for someone suffering from water on the knee: Pumps. This coffee tastes like mud! Thats funny. It was just ground yesterday. If you want to keep out of hot water, load your dirty plates into the dishwasher. Hear about the antenna who got married? Great reception! A priest, a rabbi, a blond, and a dog walk into a bar. Bartender says, What is this, some kind of a joke? The medical student was told to learn how to write less clearly. Juliet asked the Invisible Man, Wherefore art thou? Right here. A mathematician, a biologist, and a physicist were sitting in a sidewalk caf when they noticed two people going into the house across the street. A few minutes later, they saw three people coming out. The physicist said: Our first count wasnt accurate. The biologist said: They must have reproduced. But, the mathematician concluded: If exactly one person enters the house, it will be empty again.
Funny Country-Western Song Titles:
Take Back Your Heart, I Ordered Liver If Today Was a Fish, Id Throw it Back Youre the reason our kids are so ugly I dont know whether to kill myself or go bowling Get your biscuits in the oven and your buns in the bed How can I miss you if you wont go away? I changed her oil; she changed my life I flushed you from the toilet of my heart I wouldve wrote you a letter, but I couldnt spell yuck Im just a bug on the windshield of life (country western Zen) My wife ran off with my best friend, and I sure do miss him She got the gold mine and I got the shaft She got the ring and I got the finger Velcro arms, Teflon heart You cant have your Kate and Edith too You were only a splinter as I slid down the banister of life
More Puns. Awwwwwwwk!
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my Grandpa. Not screaming in terror like his passengers. Martha Stewart was warned by authorities not to cook the books. She replied that the proper term was saut the books. Martha Stewart also told authorities that subpoenas should be served with appetizers. What is a robots favorite American freedom? Freedom of assembly. How do robots court their mates? They spark em. Who be a pirates favorite robot? AAAARRR too Dee-too. A robot shrink asks his robot patient on the couch: When did you realize you hated your manufacturer? Best Fourth of July joke ever: Donald Trump was giving commentary during the New York fireworks extravaganza. He explained to the TV audience that the American colonists told George III, Youre fired!
And now, for some punny reports from the business world:
The Otis Elevator Company has had its ups and downs. General Mills profits are rising. The Wilson sports equipment companys net profits are on the rebound. The swing set manufacturers future is on a downslide. The fireworks companys growth is exploding. Joanne Fabrics Stores organizational structure is unraveling. Jarrod jewelry stores projected profits are glittering. Larson Boats financial situation is on an even keel. Bachman Florals profits are sprouting. The Titlist golf ball companys profits are going down the hole. Cambria Countertops financial outlook is solid Anderson Windows clearly shows growth ahead Sherwin Williams is spreading its assets too thinly. The market for Pampers is bottoming out. The vending machine company is in for a lot of change. The x-ray machine manufacturers financial report is negative. The electrical company executive was caught short selling company shares of stock. The maternity clothes shop will be open on Labor Day. Pearl Visions outlook is good. The beauticians business is dyeing. Hormels growth trends are meating expectations The bowling alleys growth is guttering out. The music stores profits are going Bach up. Boeings airplane orders are taking a nosedive. Helium was up Feathers were down Paper was stationary Farm prices were growing Fluorescent tubes were dimmed in light trading Knives went up sharply Barber shops survived on razor-thin margins Cows steered into a bull market Pencils lost a few points Hiking equipment was trailing Escalators continued their slow decline Weights went up in heavy trading Light switches were off Mining equipment hit rock bottom Pampers Diapers remained unchanged The market for raisins dried up Coca Cola fizzled Caterpillar stocks inched up a bit Sun Microsystems peaked at midday Balloon prices were inflated Batteries recharged the market
Football jokes
Bronko Nagurski, the old time Minnesota Gopher football star, was tough guy. He was asked where he was going to college while he was working on the farm. He picked up a horse-drawn plow and pointed it toward Minneapolis. When Bronko played for Chicago, he had a tough day against Washington. He bulled his way through their defense for a touchdown, bounced off a goal post, and rammed into a brick wall. Afterwards, he said, That last guy hit me awfully hard.
And the sign near the cemetery said Dead End.
The sign at the orange juice factory said Concentrate. The sign at the veterinarians office said, Back in an hour. Sit. Stay. The sign on the door of the bakery said, Todays Special. Someone scribbled underneath, So is tomorrow.
Best One-Liners from Rodney Dangerfield
A girl phoned me the other day and said, Come on over, theres nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home. I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. Mom hated me. Shed tell me, Go play on the freeway. The doctor told my mom after my birth: Im sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through. When I was lost, I asked a policeman for help. Do you think you can find my parents? I dont know kid. There are so many places they could hide. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday. When I worked at a pet shop, people kept asking how big Id get. I said, Doctor, every time I get up in the morning and look in the mirror, I want to throw up. Whats wrong with me? I dont know, but your eyesight is perfect. My mother never breastfed me. She told me she only liked me as a friend. When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot. But I always found them.
Best Norwegian Jokes
Instructions on the bottom of Coke bottles for Norwegians: Open other end. It was a very snowy winter in Minnesota. Every day, it seemed another storm would hit. The radio announcer told his listeners that a snow emergency was proclaimed. Drivers had to park their cars on the even side of the street. So Ole got up and did so. The next day drivers were to park on the odd side of the street. So, Ole would get up again and do so. Finally, the snow got so bad the announcer said that there was to be no parking on the street. Vell, vhat am I goin ta do now? Oh, Ole, Lena said, Park the car in the garage! The Norwegian sex manual only has one page with these instructions: In. Out. Repeat if necessary. Oles dog, Ragnar, couldnt play poker worth a darn. Every time he had a good hand, hed wag his tail. Ole read that drinking is bad for you. So he gave up reading. Ole loves seafood. So, at the restaurant, he ordered Rocky Mountain oysters. Little Ole went home from Sunday School and told his mother about Moses: Moses got behind the enemy lines and he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge across the Red Sea. Moses people crossed over. When his spies told him a corps of Egyptian tanks was about to cross the bridge, he got on his walkie-talkie and ordered his air force to blow up the bridge. The air force blew it up and the Israelites were saved. Are you sure thats the story the Sunday School teacher told you? No. But you just wouldnt believe the way the teacher told it! Ole was told he should back up his hard drive. He wondered how to put it in reverse. Ole decided to finally wash his old, grimy sweatshirt. He asked Lena what setting he should use on the washing machine. It depends. What does it say on your shirt? Minnesota Vikings. The Norwegian restaurants sign said, Open seven days a week and weekends.
Test yourself. Are you as old as dirt? You are if you can remember when
Girls had ugly gym uniforms. Being picked last for your phy-ed team was a real embarrassment. Girls were not allowed to wear pants and boys were not allowed to wear jeans to school. Nearly everyones mom was home when the kids returned from school. It took five minutes for the TV to warm up and almost all the shows were in black and white. No one owned a purebred dog and almost everyone let their dogs run loose. You got a quarter for your weekly allowance. The tooth fairy paid a dime per tooth. Youd gladly reach into a muddy gutter for a penny. Your mom wore nylons in two separate pieces held up by a garter belt. All your male teachers wore suits and ties and all your female teachers had their hair done up and wore high heels to school. You got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped by the station attendant without having to ask. And the service was free. Gas cost 35 cents per gallon. When you paid for your groceries, the store gave you trading stamps. Laundry detergent had free drinking glasses, dishes, or towels hidden inside. Youd get dressed up in your good clothes when you went out with your parents to a restaurant. Your school threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed. And it did. A 57 Chevy was everyones dream car. No one asked where the keys were. They were in the car. In the ignition. You lay back on the grass with your friends, looked at the clouds, and said this one looks like a horsy and that one looks like a bunny rabbit. Spinning around in circles, getting dizzy, falling down, was fun. Pills and bottled food didnt come with safety caps. Going to the principals office for being naughty wasnt as scary as going home that afternoon. A foot of snow early school morning was a dream come true. You ate dry Kool-Aid with sugar. And you enjoyed it. You ate 15-cent McDonalds burgers. You went to the A & W root beer stand to get root beer with your parents. Nothing else. That was a real family outing. You bought 5-cent packs of baseball cards filled with five cards and a stick of gum. You gave the gum away because you wanted the cards. You enjoyed the bubblegum scent on your baseball cards for months. Sticking baseball cards or playing cards to spokes with clothespins turned your bike into a motorcycle. You played eenie-meenie-minie-moe. Oly Oly Oxen Free made perfect sense. I double-dog dare ya. was a serious challenge. Taking drugs meant chewing orange-flavored childrens aspirin. Race issues meant arguing over who could run the fastest. War was a card game. Having a weapon at school meant being caught with a slingshot. Kids received toy guns for birthday and Christmas presents and no one thought anything of it. Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.
I remember all of these things. So, of course, that makes me as old as dirt.
My favorite Halloween costumes
The tallest boy in my 6 th grade class, much taller than me, dressed in drag, in real womens clothes, while wearing falsies. Definitely going against body type. Friends with a newborn baby girl dressed in a skunk outfit. They called her their little stinker. Oh so cute. Several guys at a costume party dressed as Monty Python village idiots, complete with striped shirts, suspenders, and bandages wrapped around their foreheads. Ooooo! My brain urts! Itll have to come out. Debbie, former saleswoman where I worked. Dressed as a witch. A very detailed costume. Verrry Scarrrry. Heeheeheeheehee Eleven high school girls borrowed their high school teams uniforms and dressed as the football team. A woman on the bus dressed as a sexy lion, her hair done up in a lion mane, Rrrrrowrrrrr. An old roommate with a lot of tech skill built an excellent Borg uniform. You will be assimilated. He also owned a complete set of full-plate armor. Myself as a fortune-teller. I had a scarf dress, made up of several color scarves sewn together. I also had bright pink material with which I wrapped my head, lots of costume jewelry, and even more makeup than that. Your future is very cloudy.
Infliction of pun-ishment was aided by the good work of Herr Punmeister Rich. Contributor to the late and much missed newsletter, Paper Cuts.