Seven abits

of a ighly
Successful
Spouse
By J. Dan Pelletier, Sr.
(Read at Dalli alld Chnss Rehearsal Dill!lerAlIgllst 23, 2002)
FAITH
1
Faith in God. Except the Lord build the house,
they labor in vain that build it.l The first
commandment is to love the Lord with all your heart,
soul, mind and strength.
2
Let your faith in God and his
son, Jesus Christ be the solid bedrock foundation of your
marriage. Use these two passages as the theme passages
of your marriage. Marriage is God ordained. Remember
marriage and the family is God's building block for
society.3 "God first" is an easy principle to say and one
with which all believers in Christ would intellectually
agree. How does one make this principle a habit? Your
job as a husband is to wash your wife in the Word.
4
Make
a commitment to pray with and for each other daily.
While each of you may understand the importance of
daily personal devotions, you need to make family worship
as a couple top priority as well. An evening devotional
prior to retiring for the night allows you to resolve any
issues under the blanket of caring protection of your
heavenly father and avoids letting the sun go down on
your wrath.
s
2
COMMITMENT
Commitment both to each other and to the
marriage. The most comforting fact in the
difficult times of life is the knowledge that your spouse
has pledged "no matter what, I will be there for you." You
are no longer individuals only, but now you are a team
and will remain a team until death do you part. Will you
be a cooperative team that works together to solve the
problems you face or a team that causes problems because
of your attitude and lack of cooperation? Purpose in
your heart that you are committed to your spouse and to
your marriage. Although similar, these are two different
commitments. Commitment to my spouse is dedication
and devotion to her and her welfare. Commitment to the
marriage means placing its wellbeing on my priority list
above all other earthly commitments. Commitment is
the framework that sees us through life.
3
COMMUNICATE
Talk. Neither of y o ~ can e a ~ the other's
mind. If something 1S bothenng you, you
need to talk to your mate. When I was first married I
was proud of the fact that while watching the news and
reading a book I could also listen to my wife. She would
be talking to me and say "You haven't heard a word
I said," whereupon I would repeat her conversation
for the last five minutes word for word. It took me a
while to realize the importance of looking at her (and
the children) when they were talking to me. Value
each other enough to put down the book and make eye
contact when talking. Your spouse is your confidant.
Confide do not hide. If someone tells me, "Now
don't tell Greer," I'll stop them. We are a team. We
don't hide things from each other. If you don't want
Greer to know then don't tell me. That is the surest
way to guarantee I will tell her. Do not let friends,
children, parents or in-laws have secrets with you that
you keep from each other. That is the. surest way to
build walls between each other. The other part of this
equation is that you go to each other with problems or
for advice rather than to friends, co-workers, parents,
in-laws or children. It should not need to be said,
but an important part of communication is telling
each other the truth. Let your word be your bond.
6
I
know couples who lie to each other about where they
are going, what they spend money on and all sorts of
subjects. They have no trust and consequendy not
much of a marriage. A good name is more desirable
than great riches.
7
Purpose to have a good name and
communicate well with your help-meet.
4
FAITH IN EACH OTHER
Much of what I have accomplished in life is
because Greer has believed in me. She daily
assures me she is confident I can accomplish whatever
life brings to our plate. Her unbending faith in me has
given me the confidence to try. Part of faith in each
other is covenanting not to criticize each other. (Don't
criticize your spouse to your spouse or to others.) Greer
and I are acquainted with a couple that does not adhere
to this principle. When we get together, the wife cannot
wait to criticize her husband to us. Each and every
fault is aired. A mistake he made twenty years ago is
brought up as the cause of any difficulties they and their
adult children may now be experiencing. She has even
approached our church about leading a couples seminar
and sharing her husbands failures so others can learn
from his mistakes! The husband is a shell of a man
with no confidence. When I shared with them the idea
of not criticizing each other he literally began weeping.
the COUNSEL of CHALCEDON 39
I
-J
Seven Habits of a Highly Successful Spouse
When I share this concept with groups, I always say that I
know none of the listeners has ever heard Greer criticize or
say anything negative about me. Its not because I am the
perfect husband, unfortunately, but because Greer adheres
to this vital principle of successful married life. Greer
realizes the wise woman builds her home and doesn't tear it
down with her own hands.
s
Faith in each other, expressed in
part by not criticizing each other to friends, co-workers or
family is just another step in demonstrating to a fallen world
that you are a team.
i
LOVE
_' This one is so obvious it is often overlooked. Of
, course you love each other. That is why you are
getting married. Other couples who have gone before
you who also loved each other on their wedding day have
neglected the habit of loving their spouses. I want you to
avoid this. Remember, "Husbands, love your wives"9 is
a command from God. You both vow to love each other
until parted by death. Failure to love my wife is sin on
my part. My commitment to love my wife because God
commands me to is a source of strength and
comfort to my wife. Just remember love is
Yet, I have never gotten up on a free day and dejectedly
told Greer, "well I'm going to have to go to the golf course
and work on my game." No! I spend time and energy on
golf and tennis because I enjoy them, want to get better at
them and value them in my life. So too I spend time, energy
and money on my wife because I value her and want to
get better at being her husband. You are starting out on a
great adventure of life. Purpose in your heart to enjoy the
adventure that life is and avoid the rut it can become if you
are not careful.
7
HOPE
I know how the story ends because I have read the
book. You are starting on a great adventure in life
with someone you love and with whom you are committed
to serving God. Isn't it great? But what do you hope for?
Hope for a future; a future not only planned for you but
insured for you by the all powerful One who planned it.
10
He knows the plans He has for you. Plans to prosper you
and not harm you, plans to give you a hope and a futureY
You have an exciting adventure before you with an earthly
companion and a heavenly Father watching
not primarily a feeling. If you are committed
to obedience to God's direct command, your
loving acts can produce loving feelings.
My commitment to
love my wife because
God commands
over you. Who wouldn't have hope? We who
are chosen to be His before the beginning of
time win in the end.
6
PURPOSE TO BE HAPPy
Abraham Lincoln once said he
observed people were generally as
me to is a source
of strength and
comfort to my wife.
(Footnotes)
1 Psalm 127: 1
2 Matthew 22:37; Mark 12:30; Luke 10:27
3 Contrary to one politician with a failed
happy as they made up their minds to be. So
too in marriage you can be as joyous as you
determine to be. Marriage was intended by
its designer to be enjoyable for the partners.
What are some keys to make marriage fun? What did you
enjoy doing before you got married? Most married couples
enjoyed dating before marriage. Keep it up. There is no
reason to stop dating just because you are now married I
Make it a priority to have a weeldy date night. Finances
shouldn't prohibit this. There are plenty of inexpensive
places to go on a date. Greer and I can make a date out
of a trip to the grocery store; just add some coffee and a
table at the deli and we can enjoy being with each other.
Explore public parks, dollar movie theaters, museums
and other civic offerings of your town and you can have
a date night that will keep your marriage young. Please
enter into marriage with a positive attitude. Many people
will tell you that marriage is hard work and you must work
on your marriage to make it work. It may be semantics,
but I would say that marriage will take an investment of
time and energy, but I do not like the word "work" if it is
meant to conjure up images of toil and drudgery. I spend
time practicing golf and tennis. I playa great deal of golf
and tennis. I experiment with new swings, new balls and
willingly buy new equipment if I think it will aid my game.
40 the COUNSEL ofCHALCEDON
family, it takes a family not a village
4 Ephesians 5:26
5 Ephesians 4:26
6 Matthew 22:37; James 5:12
7 Proverbs 22: 1
8 Proverbs 14: 1
9 Ephesians 5:25;
10 Titus 1:2
11 Jeremiah 29:11
Colossians 3: 19
J. Dan Pelletier, Sr., LTC, JA, Command Judge
Advocate, 93rd Signal Bde - Married to Greer for the
last 27 years. The father of five daughters (ages 25,
23,20,28 and 9) and one son (age 7). Ruling elder in
the PCA. Attorney working for the US Department
of Justice until January 4, 2002 when he was involuntarily recalled
into the US Army for a period of one year, subject to a one year
extension. Currently stationed at Fort Gordon as the Staff Judge
Advocate of the 93rd Signal Brigade.