Вы находитесь на странице: 1из 147

Pathetic

Pussy
By Stephen Demone
i
Copyright 2014
All rights reserved.
A Day of Imagination Publishing Corporation
0992107822
978-0992107826
Pathetic
Pussy
Pathetic
Pussy
Pathetic
Pussy
Pathetic
Pussy
Pathetic
Pussy
Pathetic
Pussy
Pathetic
Pussy
Pathetic
Pussy
Pathetic
Pussy
Patheti Pussy
iv
Pathetic
Pussy
Pathetic
Pussy
Pathetic
Pussy
Pathetic
Pussy
Pathetic
Pussy
Pathetic
Pussy
Pathetic
Pussy
Pathetic
Pussy
Pathetic
Pussy
5
Patheti Pussy
adjective: pathetic !puh"thet"u#$
arousing pity% espeially through
vulnerability or sadness
noun: pussy !poo"s"ee$
the bo& a di# omes in
extreme versions of
natural rear!s

'he smell of rain falling onto hot
soil (o)s through her )indo) )ith the
)ind of the onoming storm. *he says
dirty )ords. Do you )ant more+ 'o
satiate is a dirty thing% she,s mine% a
possession% e-ually dirty and never
satiates. *he says dirty )ords. *he
tal#s about my )ife. Does she fu#
you li#e this+ .o. I don,t thin# so.
Daring to loo# into her eyes% I
stare into her soul. *he loses her
eyes% but she an still see me% I #no).
I an unsedue% I an give ba# )hat,s
hers% and she an give ba# )hat,s
mine% but )e )ouldn,t do suh a
thing% not no)% beause )e are
almost there% esalating% and )e
en/oy this partiular limb. 'al# more
about my )ife% say her name% tell me
6
ho) disgusted she,d be )ith me if she
sa) us right no)% fu#% fu#% fu# and
)e both ome. *he gets up and )ipes
herself o0. I lie there )athing her li#e
I al)ays do. *he tells me she,ll see me
at )or# tomorro). ')enty minutes
later I leave the room and drive home.
12isten% no one gets re)ards for
not heating. Don,t brea# do)n% don,t
ompromise. 3ou,re only hurting her.
3ou,re only setting your guilt free onto
her. Don,t be ashamed of )hat you,ve
done. 3ou,re a man. 4e a man.5
1Am I a psyhopath though+ I
feel nothing. I see these pitures of
dead animals% starving #ids% si#
#ids... I don,t feel a thing. It,s all
/usti6ed to me.5
13eah it,s all bullshit any)ay "
they have nothing to do )ith you.
7hat an you ontrol+ 'hat,s )here
you should feel something% and then%
don,t listen to )hat you feel " deide
)hat you )ant to feel% then do )hat
ma#es you feel that )ay.5
1*he )ants me to leave 8llen.5
13eah% you should have ut it o0
a long time ago.5
17hat am I supposed to do+ *he
7
Patheti Pussy
said if I don,t tell her% she )ill.5
13ou,re fu#ed man.5
1I #no).5
1I told you she )as ra9y%
fu#ing hot as ten million fu#s% but
fu#ing nuts. :irls )ith tits li#e that%
they,re naturally ra9y. 'hey get
everything they )ant in life% and then
)hen they an,t have it% they go
batshit and their tits start telling them
)hat to do% and tits are dumb. If
anything you should get ahead of this.
'ell 8llen. 'ell her and it )ill be over
)ith.5
1I don,t are )hat anyone
thin#s% I /ust don,t )ant to lose my
family.5
1Come on man% don,t be a
pussy. I,m not giving you any
assuranes% faggot. 2ose your family
or not% don,t lose your manhood.5
8
potential fuele! ith
!esire
" a lovin# hetero male
relationship
Admit it Albert Cross% you get
e&atly )hat you )ant in your life.
I get a strange pleasure every
time I leave our hotel room at the
Cro)n. It stays )ith me all the )ay
into my ar% and sometimes% all the
)ay home. I,m even getting so good
at this that I don,t feel guilty at all
until 8llen says something% or as#s a
partiular -uestion about )here I,ve
been. And% still I gets better every
time I do this. 4ut that,s my problem
no) isn,t it+ 'onight% I ta#e a ab
home sine my ar is still ba# at the
o;e. Another ris# not )orth ta#ing%
I,m truly getting sloppy% )hih means
it,s time for this shit to stop. Call if o0
)ith Cate% or )ith 8llen+ <f ourse
Cate% it,s not -uestion. 8llen is the
mother of my hild. 7hen the ab
stops in front of my house I glare into
the living room seeing that the lights
are still on and I imagine 8llen inside
)aiting for me to ome home
9
Patheti Pussy
)athing '= in her pa/amas. It,s late% I
appear drun#. 8llen )ill have
-uestions and though she,ll believe
my ans)ers% this night is still
innouous and )ithout the stain of a
lie to her% and so it an remain if she
does not see me. I he# my phone%
only t)o te&ts tonight% the last oming
three hours ago as#ing me to ta#e it
easy tonight and to ome home early
so )e an )ath some '= before bed%
so )e an tal# before bed beause )e
never do that anymore. I as# the ab
driver to ta#e me to my o;e and
give him the address. It,s another
thirty dollars to my fare% but )orth
every single penny.
'he ab drops me in the par#ing
lot ne&t to my ar% a bla# 4>7 ?@.
'he options are to sleep in my ar or
at my des#% and then tomorro)% )ith
daylight illuminating my thoughts% I
an thin# about )hat to do ne&t.
'onight% I,m tired% and I,d rather thin#
about Cate,s tits than anything else%
it,s all I an thin# about )ithout
putting e0ort into thin#ing. 'ired% still
horny% I )on,t be able to sleep here.
I,ll )a#e up li#e a ra9ed bear. I start
my ar and the engine spinning li#e a
10
tightly )ound fan% ma#es me feel
better. :ood girl% I say to her ba#ing
out of the lot and onto the street. I
rae do)n the empty streets%
sreehing my tires and brea#ing stop
signs. I,m free for no)% )ild% primal
and rightfully so% and in a fe) blo#s
I,ll get in my age and sleep. 2i#e the
good boy I am. I onvine myself
that,s ho) it is. 'hat,s )hy I drive
slo) these last fe) blo#s. 'onight%
the moon is full% and I #no) she loves
me. 'he lights are o0 )hen I get
home% so 8llen must have gone to
sleep. >y )hole perspetive on life
and e&istene hanges. >orals. :ive
me a hoie and I,ll ma#e it. 'hat,s
the best I an do.
'he house is -uiet. >y )ife and
son are asleep upstairs% and should
remain undisturbed. I sit on the ouh
and ta#e o0 my shoes% lying ba#% I
srath my balls )hih are sti#y and
smell li#e Cate,s pussy% as do my
6ngers% and maybe even my breath. I
lie on my ba# and lose my eyes. I
see Cate,s body spindling around
mine% her heavenly tits% li#e a dream I
fall into% pillo)s for my thoughts% my
brain% and )ith morning still to ome%
11
Patheti Pussy
in some far"o0 advaned future )here
planets )ill be thousands of miles
a)ay from )here they are no)% and
the sun )ill be a minisule proportion
a)ay from its end% I have a )hile to
)onder% to )ish% to 6gure out )hat to
do in my sleep. 3eah% that,s ho)
)ishful I am.
12
perverte! i!eals
7omen are masters of guilt and
)ithout even #no)ing it
13ou )ere tal#ing in your sleep
again this morning%5 8llen says%
entering the living room )ith a up of
o0ee. 13ou )ere saying her name
again. I don,t #no) ho) I feel about
you dreaming about other )omen%
espeially )omen you )or# )ith.5
1I don,t even remember%5 I say%
lifting myself up to sit% and 8llen sits
ne&t to me. I ta#e the o0ee from her
and drin# it so nothing else has to be
said. I loo# ahead li#e a tentative
9ombie still asleep% )aiting for
something to spar# me. *he puts her
hand on my thigh.
1I gotta get ready%5 I say% trying
not to feel good. I,m )aiting for her to
as# me about my night and she
doesn,t.
1*imon )on,t be up for t)enty
minutes%5 she says% and she slips her
hand up my bo&ers and reahes for
my already half"hard morning di#. 1I
see someone else is already a)a#e%5
she says% and she starts to rub her
13
Patheti Pussy
6ngers along the tip.
1Aey stop%5 I say% trying to push
her a)ay.
1I )ant to give you a reason to
dream about me instead%5 she says%
and she bends do)n and starts to
su# me o0% and even though she
ma#es me ome pretty fast% and
s)allo)s it% I feel li#e the biggest
asshole in the )orld% but still% an
asshole )ho /ust got a blo)/ob.
14
$noin# hat you have to
!o
!oin# hat you have to !o
I fu#ing love to ma#e money.
I,m sure any person )ith the right
idea about life understands ho) this
is important% in one )ay or another%
and depending on )hat you )ant% and
I )ant to ma#e a lot of money. I have
a nie house. >y 4>7 is an ion that
symboli9es my re)ard for hard )or#%
and suess% and I loo# good in it% I
loo# good in the nie lothes I buy and
)ear and feel good in. 7omen )ant
me beause I )ant me. Bu#ed t)ie
last night% a blo)/ob this morning. I,m
fu#ing )inning " the stats don,t sho)
other)ise.
7ea#ness surrounds me. People
standing at bus stops on my drive to
)or# ma#e me angry. 'hey loo#
silened% asleep. Celutant% yet being
pulled to their /obs by some fore that
dominates them% instead of them
dominating it and being )orth
something. In line at the drive"
through% the ar in front of me has
dents in it% rust all along the bottom%
and through the ba# )indo) I see
15
Patheti Pussy
the head of a man )ho I imagine is
the same age as me past a faded
sti#er of a artoon family holding
hands% t)o adults and t)o hildren% a
dog. I feel fu#ing sorry for this poor
bastard )hose o)n )ea#nesses has
tri#ed him% lied to him about )hat,s
)orth his time and energy% and soon
he,ll have no energy% and still% he,ll
have no money% and his la# of
energy )ill /ust ma#e everything
harder% and he,ll be miserable despite
his best e0orts% and ideals% the deals
)e all ma#e )ith ourselves% 1I deal5% I
deal to feel good about myself% I,ll not
ma#e any money% I,ll do everything
my )ife says% my #ids say " I,ll be a
man by doing )hat everyone else
)ants me to do% and I Dll get no /oy
from it. I feel sorry for the poor
bastard% the patheti pussy he is% in
his o)n head dreaming about things
he an,t have% fu#s% )omen% money%
lu&ury% and most of all feel sorry for
him beause I #no) he thin#s he,s
doing the right thing and there are
people around him admiring him and
telling him that he is good% )hen
really he,s /ust )ea#% afraid% li#e a
rodent trapped in a pipe% and the light
16
at the end of it #eeps him struggling%
but he,ll die before he ever reahes it.
7hen a boy Enot a manF marries
a girl Enot a )omanF% he,s hoosing to
love one person more than all else% for
the rest of his life beause that,s )hat
he,s been told he,s supposed to do.
Ae doesn,t #no) )hat love means%
nor does he understand )hat the rest
of his life means% he has no onept of
death G and this is )hat ma#es him a
boy. Ais ignorant theories are
untested% and being so% in(uened by
ignorane% usually that of a )oman%
perhaps his mother% )ho believed by
the right of vagina to have all of life,s
-uestions all 6gured out. Ae may
hoose to live )ith his bad hoies for
the rest of his life% and /ustify his
hoies further )ith more mista#es. In
the proess he may develop
apaities he alls 1strengths5 to live
up to his deisionsH or he may be
rushed. 'he greatest apaity I,ve
developed as a result of marrying
young is lying. I,m a fu#ing great liar%
and it,s probably )hy I thought it
)ould be o#ay to marry 8llen so
young to begin )ith. *he seemed to
ma#e me a better person% and I
17
Patheti Pussy
believed her heart )as pure. >aybe it
is% and I )onder )hat e0et my lies to
her have had on this. 'he rae to be
#ing is an illusion. 'here are a lot of us
on the tra#.
<ne inside my o;e% the image
of the sorry poor bastard has left my
mind. Aere% I,m the general manager%
and this isn,t a plae )here I an feel
sorry for anyone% nor )ould I )ant to.
7hen I 6rst started my areer I )ould
feel sorry for myself. >anagement
)as something I never )anted to do%
of ourse% my dreams )ere al)ays
muh biggerI ro#star% ator% pro
athlete " voations all based around
)hat )e all )or# for as menJ getting
pussy. :ood pussy isn,t heap. 'he
more money you have% obviously% the
less suseptible you are to the most
rippling of male onditionsI not
getting any pussy. <ver time% I
learned that it doesn,t matter )hat
/ob you do in the end. Cash spea#s
volumes. <pportunities for ash are
limited% unless you have some speial
talent and stop depending on lu#
alone to get you some)here. 7hen
you start to )or#% you an move into
positions you never thought possible.
18
I )ill never let myself thin# that )ay
again. *orry for me+ 7hat,s my
e&use+ 7hat,s the )ea#% fu#ing
e&use I must ma#e as a result+ 'he
ompetition I fae day after day has
no room for suh a sorry attitude. 7e
left the /ungle% but the priniple
remains% survival% and everything is
food from )hat )e shove into our
mouths to )hat )e fu#% )hat )e
hear% everything )e digest. 7hen )e
die% our bodies are digested by the
earth. 'here is no soul. 7here )ould it
go+ A heart and brain are /ust
interations of tiny little partiles I,ll
never see. It,s all in motion% so I an,t
stop it any)ay.
2i#e so many other things I an,t
ontrol% today is Briday and most
people aren,t really )or#ing. I have no
meetings today% no reason to be here
e&ept to see Cate. Aer des# is aross
from my o;e% faing out into a
orridor )here I an see her at all
times. Ao) often I,d sit at my des#
and read her te&ts and she,d tease
me and I,d sit there hard until I had to
run to the bathroom and /a#"o0.
*ometimes I,d leave the um"stained
tissues in her des# beause she,d as#
19
Patheti Pussy
me to. I stir in my hair for a half"hour
)aiting for her to arrive% he#ing my
email and blo#ing o0 my afternoon
so )e an go get a room at the
Cro)n. 'his )ill be our last time. I,m
bending the rules too muh and am
bound to brea# them. <ne last time
)ith Cate% and )e an both get on
)ith our lives. *he gets in at nine"
thirty% sitting do)n at her des#
dressed in a bla# blouse and grey
s#irt% and the sil# of her blouse is see"
through on the ba#. *he loo#s
di0erent here than she does )rapped
around my di#% last night% any night
for that matter% or day. Aere I,m her
boss% and it ma#es us play se&y
games all the time beause here% I
an tell her )hat to do% and at the
Cro)n% she tells me )hat to do. I go to
her des# and say good morning.
1Can )e tal# in my o;e+5
1Kust passing by+ .o good
morning. I )ant to tal# to you about
something.5
1:ood morning Cate. 2et,s go
tal# then.5
1Ao) are you this morning+5
1I,m good. 3ou+5
20
1I,m great.5
1Ao) so+5
1I had a great night.5
1<h yeah% )hat did you do+5
17ent horseba# riding.5
1Aorseba# riding+5
13eah I rode a stallion. 7ell% he
atually rode me at 6rst% but I
overpo)ered him in the end.5
1*ounds li#e a fun night.5
1<h believe me it )as.5
7e )al# to my o;e and she
loses the door. Aer hands slide along
the )ood as if at the moment of
losure% all the outside )orld has been
losed o0 from us% and )e are the
only t)o people left alive in a ten by
ten room.
1>y pussy still feels good from
last night.5
1>e too.5
1Al% mm% you de6nitely don,t
have a pussy.5
13ou% de6nitely do. *ho) me.5
*he sits do)n and opens her
legs.
1Is it )et+5
13es.5
1I )ant to see. *ho) me.5
1I,ll sho) youJ5
21
Patheti Pussy
1Come on% move your panties
aside.5
1I,m )earing those pantiesJ5
1I see. >ove them over.5
1Aere. 7hat do you see no)+5
13our pussy.5
1I haven,t sho)ered.5
1*pread it open.5
1Can you smell me+5
13es.5
1I )ant to su# your di#.5
12et,s leave after lunh. 7e,ll go
to the Cro)n.5
1I an leave no).5
1I an,t% I have to stay until at
least one.5
13ou,re the boss% you an leave
)henever you )ant.5
1I don,t )ant people thin#ing
there,s something going on bet)een
us.5
14ut there is.5
14ut it,s a seret.5
13eah% but for ho) long+ Ao)
long an )e #eep the seret Al+5
1Borever I hope.5
1Bu# you Al.5
1I,m married Cate.5
13ou an,t hide behind your
marriage )hen I have something to
22
say Al. It,s not fair.5
1I,m not hiding Cate.5
13es you are. I an,t do it
anymore Al. At 6rst% it )as hot% but
no)% )e,re both /ust big fu#ing liars.
It,s not fun anymore.5
1*o let,s end it then.5
1I )as going to suggest you end
it )ith your )ife.5
13ou,re #idding right+ I never
thought you )ere li#e this.5
12et,s have dinner tonight% a
drin# at least% or something% and
tal#.5
1I,ve got plans tonight% dinner
and pi99a )ith the )ife and #id.5
1<f ourse% pi99a and movie
night. 3ou never sti# around for
that.5
13eah )ell% all the more reason
to do it tonight. I,m starting to raise
suspiion. I never do this. A0airs
aren,t for me. 'his should have ended
a long time ago.5
17hy are you doing this here+ Is
it beause you #no) I an,t at out+
7hat if I do+ 7hat if I start yelling
right no)+5
1Close your legs Cate.5
17hat if I )ant to #eep them
23
Patheti Pussy
open+ 7hat if I ta#e my panties o0
right no)+ 7hat if I su# your di#
again in that hair+5
1I don,t #no). .o) ome on% )e
an tal# more. 2et,s still meet at the
Cro)n. I,ll get our room. <ne"thirty
o#ay+ And CateJ this )ill be the last
time )e do this.5
13ou al)ays say that.5
1'his time% I mean it.5
13ou al)ays say that too.5
I deide to go home si#% leaving
the o;e by the ba# door at eleven"
thirty. I glane over at 8d before I go
and see him from the 6re e&it sitting
at his des# loo#ing intimately into his
omputer sreen% and I #no) it,s
probably another musi video. 8d isn,t
going any)here in life% and he,s
onvined himself that he,s happy
)ith the deision.
I get so many te&ts from Cate
starting at one"thirty that I turn o0 my
phone and hide it in my )or#"bag.
24
fuc$ is a curse
People )ill naturally despise you
for your s#ill if you use it against
them. 7hen you e&pose yourself to
their /udgment% you an lose form.
Borm is ultimately important " it,s the
thing that #eeps you together. 'o be
unmovable you have to 6nd your
permanent plae% and be unsha#able
against the fat that it,s the 6rst and
last plae you,ll ever be% forever.
7hen I,m at home )ith my
family% I an start to sha#e. All
afternoon )e play games )ith *imon%
doing those things that #ids do and
are supposed to be fun% and )ith him
are. It,s a beautiful day. I li#e the sun
and so does *imon% and 8llen is happy
)e,re all together. 8ntertained by him%
his laughter reminds me of my
hildhood )hen I,d have been doing
the same things% and then I,m an&ious
beause I hate the idea that life /ust
repeats itself. 7e,ll al)ays have to lie.
'hat )ill never hange. 1I love you
8llen%5 I say enough times to her
today to ma#e her glo)% beause
sometimes I mean it. 8vening omes%
25
Patheti Pussy
pi99a night is e&tra speial beause
Dad is there to )ath the movie.
*imon falls asleep on my lap and I
bring him up to his room and turn on
his dinosaur so he doesn,t )a#e up in
the pith dar# later afraid li#e he does
sometimes. 'onight% there,s no
-uestion of him gro)ing up% or of me
doing something to ensure he learns
to ta#e are of himself one day% no%
tonight I,m home and here to do this
for him so he an learn his Dad )ill
al)ays be there for him.
1I thin# if people spent less time
trying to fu# eah other% the )orld
)ould be a better plae. I mean% I
thin# that,s )hy people get married.
'hey don,t have to put all their e0ort
into trying to fu# a )oman% or in your
ase% a man% but ome on% you #no)
that ta#es very little e0ort for a
)oman li#e you% 8llen Cross my dear
)ife.5
13eah it,s easy to 6nd someone
to fu# you. I ould go to a tru# stop
right no) and get ten guys to line up
to fu# me. 4ut I )ouldn,t ome.
'hat,s the hard part for a )oman%
26
6nding someone )ho an ma#e you
ome.5
1Can I ma#e you ome+5
13ou #no) you an. 7hy don,t
you ome over here and do it
already+5
1Is *imon asleep+ I don,t )ant
him oming do)nstairs and seeing me
ravaging you.5
17hy do you al)ays bring him
up before )e fu#+5
17ell% you gotta reali9e% your
vagina has meant something di0erent
to me sine it gave birth to him. It
reminds me of him no).5
1Come on% stop tal#ing.5
1*orry baby% ome here.5
1I,m not sure I )ant to.5
1Come on% I #no) you still do%
loo#% ome here. Do you li#e that+
Come on baby% I #no) you do.5
7hen you start to rave honesty
from others% you get yourself in a lot
of trouble. It puts you in the position
for other people to lie to youH
)illingly% you aept everything they
have to say as if oming from a plae
of dumb innoene% beause you,re
27
Patheti Pussy
smarter than them% you,ve made the
hoie to never tell a lie and by doing
so you are the better person. *ome
men truly live their lives this )ay
beause they believe it is right. *ome
of them sueed% )hereas most are
too afraid to be really honest and /ust
end up living a lie. I )ill never be suh
a man. 3ou have to obey a number of
la)s to develop the maturity to see
past the arti6ial barriers that e&ist
bet)een a man and )hat he )ants.
'hen he an 6nd his )ay to ma#e a
living% and I,m not /ust tal#ing about
money% I,m tal#ing about life% ma#ing
a life you love to live. 'onight% I do
love living my life. 'here,s no suh
thing as a perfet life% /ust moments
suh as these )hen you an see the
potential for perfetion% suh as no)
)ith 8llen asleep ne&t to me%
e&hausted from an hour of se& during
)hih she ame more than one% and
me only t)ie. >y son is asleep do)n
the hall in his room% seure% -uiet.
8verything in the house is still e&ept
for )hat is in our minds. I turn on the
'= to bring forth motion I an see
beause the invisibility of suh peae
starts to ma#e me uneasy% and
28
sleepless. Death% one I start to thin#
about it% I get depressed% though% I
don,t fear death% I /ust don,t li#e to
thin# about it. A friend of mine had a
heart atta# a ouple of months ago
and all I ould do )as as# him if it )as
beause he )as fu#ing too many
girls on 'inder. Ae )as% but that
)asn,t the point. Ae almost died and I
thought it )as a /o#e. >y life is a /o#e
right no). I,m not terribly ertain of
anything e&ept for that% in some )ay
my life is a /o#e% and I reali9e too
many people hold my fate in their
hands% too many people% and I hold
the least% and in this moment the
peae and -uiet sares me beause I
#no) it,s a lie.
I get up out of the bed silently. I
pull the blan#et over 8llen and ta#e
my lothes at the foot of the bed and
ta#e them out of the room. I put them
on do)nstairs )here I )ill grab the
#eys and go for a drive maybe to see
Cate% or maybe to /ust drive
some)here and never ome ba#.
I #no) this e&periene is not
authenti% and there are a lot of other
men I ould as# about ho) to
overome this desire to esape. >y
29
Patheti Pussy
father is one of them% but his life is
never something I envied% or )anted%
I )anted my o)n% and )hen I got
married I promised to give up
something I still )anted to be mine%
that I still )ish )as mine.
It,s too late for a 6ght. I,ll /ust go
for a drive and see )here I end up.
'here,s a lot of road bet)een here
and *outh Ameria.
30
a man !eci!es to !rive to
%r#entina
Kust a little happiness to prevailH
/ust a little more. 8ngaged to the
yle of the moon% tonight,s is full% so
the light over my head seems a guide%
and not empty. I,m full of hope% and
for the 6rst time in a )hile% I an thin#
about the moon and planets% the
stars% )ithout beoming onfused.
.one of the stain of my deision
is apparent% so there must be none.
8llen )ill pani )hen she )a#es up
)ithout me. It,s inevitable she 6nd out
about Cate% and no) almost ertain
)hen she )ill he# my phone )hen
I,m not there in the morning% or days
later )hen the ops start loo#ing for
me.
I drive the night through until
the sun rises% and the gas gage sho)s
empty. 'he thought of brea#fast
ma#es me e&ited% so I get o0 at the
ne&t e&it% some)here in Pennsylvania%
and stop at a gas station that has a
restaurant o0 to the side.
'here,s a strength in ignorane
)hen )hat you are ignoring hurts you.
31
Patheti Pussy
I an,t thin# of home beause home
means that I belong there. I order
baon and eggs% and o0ee% and after
I eat I feel I,ve made my point. I,m not
invinible I need my home. I get up
from the table and as# the )aitress if I
an borro) her ell phone. I give her
ten dollars and she hands it to me. I
blo# the number and dial 8llen,s
phone.
1Aell"llo+5
13ou not a)a#e yet baby+5
17hat time is it+5
1It,s seven"thirty.5
17here are you+5
1I,m at )or#. I got alled in
today. I don,t #no) ho) long I,ll be.5
1'his early+ Did something
happen+ 7hat are you tal#ing about%
)here are you+5
1I,m at )or#. I,ll all you later%
something serious happened here% I
don,t #no)% aounts% some shit,s
gone missing% 4ernard is hereJ I
gotta go baby. I love you. I,ll all you
later.5
1<#ay baby% I love y""5
I loo# at my )ath. *even"thirty%
/ust li#e I said it )as ten seonds ago.
If I drive ba# no) I,ll get home by
32
6ve o,lo#% in time for )hat I /ust said
to be believable. *ometimes% lies an
be a protetion% and for a good liar%
the al)ays available option to lie
saves them from their o)n dumb
fu#ing deisions% the deisions they
thin# are )ell thought out but are
originated by stupid dreams and
planets and shit li#e that. Bu# this%
I,m going home.
All morning and afternoon I
listen to tal# radio beause it,s the
only thing that )ill alm me do)n.
'he onversations of others% their
sterile sub/ets and disussions #eep
my thoughts lean so that there,s not
muh of a thought at all. I )ant to
turn around again% beause )hat I,m
driving to)ards is only sho)ing me
ho) muh po)er it has over me%
taunting me% I ould barely be a)ay
for t)elve hours% and here I am going
ba#% a o)ard% too afraid to pursue
anything )orth)hile that hasn,t
already been destined for me outside
of my death. I don,t )ant to thin#
about it any)ay. It implies the )orst
that I ma#e the most of every
moment. 8veryone,s so obsessed )ith
this no) that )e #no)% no) that )e
33
Patheti Pussy
really #no) there is no heaven )e an
go to if )e,re good% and even% there is
no hell for the bad% beause I thin#
most people )ould rather have
some)here to go at all than no)here.
4ut I don,t tal# to any god nor )ould I
ever thin# there )ould be one to
listen.
>y mother"in"la),s ar in is in
my drive)ay )hen I pull in. 'he many
reasons she ould be here me
nervous beause 8llen,s ar is gone.
*he must have let herself in beause
the door is open. 'his )oman inside
my house% 8llen,s mother% thin#s I,m
not doing enough for her daughter%
)hih may or may not be the natural
inlination of a mother to)ards the
man that marries her daughter% and
she,s a fu#ing unt.
>y )or# bag is still )here I left it
in the front hall)ay% and I he# inside
that nothing has been moved% and it
hasn,t% my phone is still at the
bottom% turned o0 as I left it% and I
feel inomplete relief% )ishing I had
been aught% but also glad that I
)asn,t.
I turn on my phone. All the
messages from yesterday and today
34
arrive at one. Bifty"si& in total. All but
a fe) are from Cate. *pread out over
the hours of yesterday% through the
evening% the night% middle of the
night. 'hey,re all bullshit and I an,t
sroll through them fast enough.
'here,s nothing from 8llen. Kust a
message from 'ony as#ing me if I,m
oming out )ith him tonight. Cight
belo) his message% another one from
Cate% )ho in my phone is #no)n as
1Car *ervie5% says 1fu# you BLCM
3<L im oming over no) to see you
at your A<L*8.5 and the time is
2I04P>. It,s @IN@P> right no). I thin#%
Bu#.
1Is something )rong+5 >y
mother"in"la),s voie ma#es me /ump.
*hane )as probably )athing me this
)hole time.
1Is that 8llen on your phone+ I
got a strange all from her. 7hat did
you do to her this time+ Is that her on
the phone no)+5
1*hane. Ao)Od you get in+5
1I have a #ey% 8llen gave it to
me.5
13ou have a #ey to my house+5
13es% I have a #ey to your and
my daughterOs house. *he gave it to
35
Patheti Pussy
me.5
1*o you /ust let yourself it+5
1.o one )as home.5
1I see. 7ell% )here is she+5
1'hatOs )hat I )as going to as#
you.5
1I donOt #no). I havenOt heard
from her all day. IOve been at )or#.5
1Amm. ItOs *aturday.5
1I got alled in% there )as an
emergeny.5
1Amm.5
12isten *hane% I don,t mean to
be rude% but I,ve had a long day. I,d
li#e you to leave so I an get some
rest. I don,t get a lot of privay these
days )ith a )ife and #id. *o I,d li#e to
be alone so I an masturbate.5
17hy donOt )e /ust )ait here
together% li#e ivil adults+ IOm ma#ing
o0ee. 7ould you li#e one+5
1ItOs been a long day. IOm going
upstairs to ta#e a nap.5
1IOll be )aiting do)n here. IOll
leave some o0ee in the pot in ase
you hange your mind.5
1'hat,s /ust great.5
Bor the ne&t t)o hours I have to
listen to the soft heartbeat of an
empty room being 6lled )ith uneasy
36
bursts of sobs oming from
do)nstairs. *hane is rying. 4rea#ing
do)n as she usually does )hen she,s
forgotten to ta#e a pill or something.
I,d go do)n and o0er her a drin#% tal#
to her% listen% but I,m muh too tired
to give her any of part of me. *he
stops for a )hile% so long that I start
to drift o0% and I have a short dream
about rossing the street into an alley%
and I,m afraid. >y phone vibrates
ne&t to my ear% messages that had
not arrived from earlier% or ne)
ondemnations% I,m not sure )hih. I
hate that I,m ondemned by these
)omen% all of them )ishing me to be
a better man% as if their desires for
me hold the #ey to )hat,s good and
bad% and our mothers% /ust li#e them
before have longed for their sons to
be eternal% and good to no end% but
boys )ill lie% and some lie very )ell
and beome men. I don,t he# my
phone. Allo)ing myself to drift o0
some more% I fall asleep% and my last
thought is If *hane ame up here right
no) and o0ered to blo) me% I,d
probably let her.
37
Patheti Pussy
ne#otiatin# ith hores
there&s one ri#ht oman
out there for you' an! lots of
pussy out there for everyone
17hat are you doing tonight+
It,s *aturday ome out )ith me.5
18llen is missing. After this beer
I,m heading home.5
17hat are you tal#ing about+5
1I don,t #no) )here she is.5
1*imon too+5
14oth of them. *he left today
and never said anything to me. 4ut
it,s o#ay% *hane is )aiting at our
house right no) in ase they ome
home. I,m )orried% but )hat an I do.
8llen,s not ans)ering her phone. I told
*hane to all me as soon as 8llen gets
ba#.5
13eah+ And )here you,d tell her
)here you )ere going+5
1<ut. I don,t have to tell her
shit.5
13ou,re a terrible husband man.5
1Bu# o0 'ony.5
1I,m serious.5
17hat do you #no) about being
38
married+ 3ou haven,t had a
relationship in your life.5
1Al% you ma#e it seem li#e it
)ould be easier for you to #ill a
)oman than to end a relationship )ith
her. 3ou #no) ho) I feel any)ay. 3ou%
you stillJ ah fu# it man% I,m sorry%
I,m being a real asshole right no).5
1It,s all good.5
1*orry man% I got my o)n shit
going on too.5
1Anything you )ant to tal#
about+5
1.othing )orth saying. I,m sure
8llen,ll turn up and be o#ay. In the
meantime% ome on% ome out )ith
me% you,ll get your mind o0 things.5
13ou got any o#e+5
13eah% really good shit. 3ou #no)
I,ve got you overed man.5
12et me get some.5
1.ot here% it,s in the ar.5
17ell hurry up )ith your fu#ing
beer then.5
1I,m hurrying% fu#ing Al Paino.5
1Dumb fu#ing /o#e man.5
1Come on% don,t brea# my balls.
Isn,t that Cate over there+5
1Don,t bring up that untbag to
me tonight.5
39
Patheti Pussy
7omen are /ealous in general%
and if you,re good loo#ing enough%
you an use that to your advantage.
Advantages are every)here% and it
ta#es an intelligent man not only to
reogni9e them% but also to #eep tra#
of themI )ho you,re up on% )ho
you,re do)n on% )ho,s in your league%
)ho isn,t% )ho thin#s they are% and
)ho thin#s they aren,t Eeasy targetsF.
*ome girls don,t even ome to play%
and so they aren,t in your league.
'hey,re in their o)n private league
and only invite ertain guys in to play%
and even then% they don,t let them
play past third base. 'he girls )ho are
there to play% play the )aiting game.
7ait to be notied% )ait to be pi#ed
up. I,ve )athed doumentaries on
Animal Planet about this. <f ourse%
it,s /ust the same for all animals.
Aumans have evolved in a lot of )ays%
re6ned our rituals% dealt ne)er
e&petations and )ays to mate% so
that it is no longer a -uestion of
mating% it,s not about having se& to
reate a ne) life% but to fu# so as to
validate your o)n. I )on,t ondemn
evolution. 'hat,s not the aim of the
40
game. Pleasure% fun% those are the
aims of this game% but the aims an
be more spei6 if you,re good at it. A
girl says% 1I /ust )ant to have fun5% but
)hat does she mean by that+ Bun "
suh% a vague desire. I as# the girl
standing ne&t to me at the bar )ith
the thi#% round ass )hat she means
by she,s here tonight to have fun.
7hat is fun+ Is it fun for me to go
do)n on you )hile I /er# myself o0
under you+ I thin# it )ould be. 7hat if
I )as )earing a funny hat+ *he
laughs. 17hat+5 I tell her I,m #idding%
she loo#s beautiful tonight% that I /ust
)anted to ma#e her laugh. 13ou,re a
funny guy%5 she says getting loser. I
love you% I say to her% but I )ouldn,t
fu# you% no% you,re too beautiful for
that% I ouldn,t do it. 13ou,re really
aggressive%5 she says drun#enly.
12i#e% you,re aggressive.5 3eah )ell% I
li#e you% you,re really beautiful and I
bet I ould ma#e you ome% but li#e I
said% I ould never fu# you% you,re
too beautiful% and you,re drun#% I
don,t fu# drun# girls. I,d /ust )ant to
)ath you masturbate instead. 1<h
ome% I don,t do that.5 I,m sure you
do% ome on% not even /ust one+
41
Patheti Pussy
13eah )ell. 7hen I )as in high shool
a lot more.5 7o)% )ell don,t tell me
that% that,s /ust too fu#ing hot to
pass up% but I )ill% I,m a gentleman%
and you,re so beautiful. 13ou,re really
nie.5 'han#s% you too. 7ant to dane
)ith me+ 1*ure.5 .o fu#ing though.
13ou,re so funny.5 7here are your
friends+ 3ou #no) it,s dangerous to be
alone in a plae li#e this. 'here are a
lot of se&ual deviants around. 1I,m not
sure% they,re daning. 7here are your
friends+5 I,m not sure. 'hey must be
on the dane (oor se&ually harassing
nie young girls li#e you. 7e should
be friends% so )e an )ath eah
other,s ba#s. 1I,ll be your friend.5
3ou,re so beautiful% you,re li#e my
most beautiful friend% but don,t get
any ideas about fu#ing me% I don,t
fu# my friends. 1I,m sure you don,t.5
I #no)% it,s hard. >y di# is hard li#e
right no). 13ou,re disgustingP5 I #no)%
I,m sorry% but you li#e it ome on. I,m
not really% but if I )as% you,d li#e it.
1<h my god.5 Come on see% here%
touh% soft as anything% ome on let
me buy us some more drin#s% then
)e,ll go dane. 3ou,re suh a tease.
:irls li#e you% I,m glad I,m not trying
42
to fu# you. I,m glad )e,re /ust pals.
>ost girls don,t li#e it )hen you
sti# a 6nger in their ass% but there,s
no better )ay to tell if they,re up for
anal se& or not. 'his is one girl I )ant
to fu# in the ass% and I,m almost sure
she,d be up for it% and if I as# her
politely% after all the o#e )e,ve done%
it )ould /ust turn us o0. 2et me% see%
try% /ust the tip of my 6nger as I hold
tightly around her hips% I slide to)ards
her butthole and rest it there% press%
it,s in% and she moans% she li#es it%
o#ay% I (ip her over and start to slide
my di# in and all she says to me is
1go slo)5.
'here,s a voiemail on my
phone% a missed all from *hane. *till
no )ord from 8llen% only the voiemail
from *haneJ 13ou,re a disgrae%
you,re a terrible husband% a horrible
father% out all night )hile your )ife is
missing% )ait until I get my hands on
you"""5
It,s not li#e I,m some
unstoppable hi#"magnet )ho
43
Patheti Pussy
attrats girls by standing around and
loo#ing good. I )or# at it. I have
disipline% in ho) I loo#% and ho) I
arry myself% )hat I say. I pratie% I
have game. I,ve lost% I,ve )on% and
I,ve dra)n even. I #no) )omen. I
#no) their games% I #no) their
bullshit% and I )or# )ith it. I )ould
never hate a )oman for being )hat
she is% I aept it% and that )ay
everyone an )in% or if there is to be a
loser% it )on,t be me beause I have
the right e&petation of )omen and
)hat they )ant from me% and )hat I
)ant from them I don,t deny myself G
I,ve ta#en enough losses li#e a man to
#no) ho) muh losing depends on
)hat you e&pet to happen. A )oman
)ho )ants di# is a slut% /ust li#e a
guy )ho )ants pussy is )hatever he
is. >any men try to ompete )ith
)omen% as if they don,t reali9e men
and )omen are not ompeting for the
same outome. 4oth sides an )in.
'he reason men may )in more often
is beause )hat men )ant is simpler%
and )hat )omen )ant drives them
ra9y.
Don,t stray too far from the
game% not a lot of )omen li#e the
44
truth and that,s not )hat you,re there
to give them% and if it is then prepare
to go home )ith your di# tu#ed
bet)een your legs% you pussy"assed
bith.
'he pressure of being a man
re-uires a manli#e fore to press ba#
against all the pressures that ma#e a
man )hat he is. 7omen are a ma/or
pressure% and distration. 8ven the
dumbest% most unstable )oman an
grab a man,s attention for a seond.
7hy is that+ 7hat evolutionary
purpose ould that serve other than
to )eed out the )ea#"minded+
A man an,t depend on anyone
but himself for his happiness% /ust li#e
a )oman must depend on herself for
the same. 7e )ere meant to be
together G not to ma#e eah other
happy. 4eing happy is only a potential
bonus% but not the purpose% )hih is
simply% to be together. It has more to
)ith than /ust se&% so maybe that,s
the game I should be playing% seeing
ho) long I an go )ithout thin#ing
about se&. 'hat /ust seems so fu#ing
boring though.
45
Patheti Pussy
At an early *unday brea#fast at
my parents, house I ontemplate
these fats. I sat in my ar outside of
their house G my hildhood house G
for about an hour% after I left
analse&girl in her bed asleep in a ha9e
of se& and oaine. Inside no) in the
#ithen standing over the ounter
)ith a up of o0ee in my hand% I
)ath my dad read the paper on a
stool nearby% and mom is as#ing me
)hat I )ant to eat. I,ve already told
her t)ie I,m not hungry.
1Come on Al% )e /ust )o#e up%
don,t yell godamnit%5 my father says%
not loo#ing up from his paper. 7hy
does he read the paper )hen there,s
a laptop right ne&t to him+
1I li#e to touh the ne)s I,m
reading.5
13ou,d be touhing the
omputer% dad. I,m /ust saying it,s a
lot easier.5
1Aeh% yeah you )ould say that%
a lot easier. 'hat,s all that,s ever
mattered to you.5
1*am% ome on% let,s have a nie
brea#fast )ithout the t)o of you
6ghting. Albert never omes for
brea#fast.5
46
13eah dad% I,m sorry. I,m /ust a
little under the )eather today.5
13ou loo# over the )eather% li#e
you )ere up all night drin#ing and
sre)ing around. 3ou,re a father.
7hat the hell are you doing+ I hope
you )eren,t do)n at a titty"/oint. It
)ill ruin your marriage.5
1I,m o#ay dad. 8llen and I /ust
had a little 6ght% and I ouldn,t fae
her this morning.5
1Couldn,t fae your o)n )ife+
Damnit Al. I )as right. 3ou are a
pussy.5
1*am% don,t all your son a
pussy. Christ% I,m trying to ma#e us
brea#fast.5
1I,m doing my best% Dad. I have
to get out sometime.5
13ou an,t handle the pressure%
maybe. 3ou should thin# about that.5
1>aybe you,re right dad% maybe
I,m /ust a pussy. A big patheti pussy.5
17ould the t)o of you stop
saying that )ord+ It,s ma#ing me
mess up the eggs.5
Pouring another up of o0ee% I
fumble my 6ngers into my po#et
pinhing the little baggie of o#e.
'here is a small ro# inside that
47
Patheti Pussy
should get me through this morning%
and then this afternoon% )hatever
happens ne&t should be a big fu#ing
disaster.
A te&t message from 'ony says%
ho) )ere things last night+ good% I
reply% sitting at the table )ith a plate
of eggs in front of me that ma#es me
)ant to vomit. 'ony says he needs me
to ome by his plae as soon as
possible% that something has
happened% something he doesn,t )ant
to tal# to me about over the phone. I
as# him if he,s sure% beause it,s
strange of him to say this to me.
.othing is so )orrisome to 'ony. Ae
one fu#ed a girl and her ousin and
te&ted me in detail the entire tale. I
an only imagine the things he hides
from me. I ta#e one bite of toast% and
than# my mother for brea#fast before
either of my parents an as# me
)here I,m going. In my ar I pull out
the baggie of oaine and e&trat
some )ith my pin#y and hit both
nostrils. 2oo#ing through the
)indshield the street ahead of me is
bright and burning a)ay% fumes rising
from the asphalt ma#e the ground
48
seem li#e it,s melting.
1.o) before )e get into this%
you don,t loo# good Al. 3ou loo# )ired
man. 7ant some fresh shit to -ui#
start you+5
13eah sure% I mean I,m good% I
have a bit left. I don,t )ant to arry
too muh. 3ou #no) that )ould turn
out bad for me.5
13eah o#ay% ho) about a drin#
instead+5
13eah% o#ay.5
1*o ho),d it go last night+ 3ou
left the lub pretty early )ith that one
girl )ith the big ass.5
13eah she )as great man. 2et
me fu# her in her big ass.5
13ou,re #iddingP >an% )hat a
slut.5
1I #no).5
1Did you give her the thumb or
inde& 6nger+5
1Inde&.5
12i#e I taught you boy. 7hat
)ere you thin#ing )ith the thumb
shit+ 'humbs up+ Bu# man.5
1*o )hat,s up 'ony+ 3ou,re
ma#ing me nervous )ith all this
ordial bullshit.5
49
Patheti Pussy
12isten man% )e,re best friends.
3ou #no) you,re my brother right. I
)ouldn,t do a fu#ing thing to
intentionally hurt you.5
13ou,re starting to tal# shit
'ony.5
1I #no)% fu#. Bu# it man. Aere
it goes. 2ast night% )hen you )ere
leaving the lub% I got a te&t. A te&t
from 8llen. *he said she )as outside
of my house )ith *imon% and they had
no)here else to go beause she didn,t
)ant to go home. I told her she should
all you% that you )ere )aiting to hear
from her% that her mother )as )aiting
for her at home% but that,s )hy she
didn,t )ant to there. *he didn,t )ant
to tal# to you% she didn,t )ant to tal#
to anyone. *o I ame home% invited
her inside to alm do)n% to tal#% )e
had a onversation% nothing )as
going on. I )as trying to help.5
13eah% o#ay.5
12isten% man% so I )as doing
everyone a favour here. 4eing a good
guy. I )as ready to pa# it in )hen
this all started to happen.5
17hat happened% )hat the fu#
are you tal#ing about 'ony+5
1Cate ame to your house
50
yesterday man. *he told 8llen
everything% she told 8llen you )ere
going to leave her.5
1'hat little bith.5
1I #no). 7ell% so. 'hat,s )hat
brought 8llen here last night. 3ou
#no) me% I don,t #no) ho) to deal
)ith this shit% but I did it for you%
beause you,re my brother.5
17here is she no)+5
1*he )ent ba# home man. *he
left right before I te&ted you.5
1Bu# man% )ell% than#s for
telling me. I )as going to go home
before you te&ted. I )ould have been
fu#ed.5
1.o man. 'here,s more.5
1I,m relieved she,s o#ay.5
1I #no). >e too. I /ust...5
13ou never have a problem
spea#ing )hat,s on your mind. 7hat
the fu# happened+5
12i#e I said man% she )as rying%
I )as trying to help. I had my arm
around her.5
13ou son of a bith. 3ou fu#ing
son of a bith.5
1I ouldn,t help it man% it /ust
happened. *he )as so upset.5
13ou fu#ing pri#% you fu#ed
51
Patheti Pussy
her didn,t you+5
1I )as trying to help man% she
)as so sad% she said she felt alone. I
didn,t #no) )hat else to do. 3ou
al)ays told me 8llen loved to fu#
man. It /ust happened so fast. 7e
didn,t even ta#e our lothes o0.5
13ou fu#ed up o#su#er%
'ony.5
1I,m sorry man. 2oo#% 8llen is a
beautiful )oman. I,ve never thought
about her that )ay until last night. I
promise. 2i#e I said% )e had our
lothes on% /ust you #no)% un9ipped%
and she had a s#irt on% so I slid her
panties to the sideJ5
17hy the fu# are you
desribing this fu#ing shit to me right
no) you fu#ing fu#er+ 7hat you
thin# she,s a fu#ing )hore no)+
'hat,s my fu#ing )ife asshole.5
1Aey man% don,t get physial%
don,t push me man% I get it. 3ou #no)
)hatJ you an ta#e a s)ing at me. I
/ust have to ome lean Al. It )as all
her% she )anted it man% more than I
did% at 6rst% but this )asn,t our"""""5
I haven,t punhed anyone in a
long time% so )hen my #nu#les pop
into 'ony,s hee#bone% the pain
52
e&plodes in my hand% and ma#es me
go ra9y% and I hit him again and
again until my hands are numb% and
bleeding% and he,s on the ground
bloodied% staring up at me )ith a little
t)in#le still in his eye. 'ony fu#%
al)ays so happy beause he,s so
fu#ing dumb. It,s )hy I love him. I
spit on him. Bu#ing o)ard%
betraying"ass motherfu#er. >y o)n
fu#ing )ife. 7ho fu#ing does that+
Ae says he ares about her% and me%
and that this is my fault% )ell aren,t
)e all to blame here+ Ae gets up o0
the ground and puts his arm around
me to stand up. I ta#e him to the sin#
and he )ashes his fae o0% and I get
him some ie to put on his s)ollen
eye% and help him over to the ouh
and get us some drin#s% and )e sit
there in silene% drin#ing% until 'ony
falls asleep% and then I go into the
#ithen and pour the remaining o#e
onto the ounter and form into one
huge line% and ta#ing a ut stra) from
my po#et I breathe in.
'e&t to 8llen that says% 7hy did
you do it+ Aer te&t ba# )hih says%
'here,s a lot more you don,t #no). I
53
Patheti Pussy
don,t ans)er. I )ait% sitting in 'ony,s
#ithen )ith a bottle of )his#y in my
hand% and a ne) bag of o#e sitting
on the ounter. I thin# of my son% and
I thro) the bottle at the )all% and the
sound of it shattering ma#es
everything feel in its plae% and it,s
li#e my dad said% there are
onse-uenes% I,ve made these
hoies myself% and I feel li#e I an
live )ith them% at least for no)% but
)hat about tomorro)% and beyond+
1It,ll be o#ay Al. 'hings go from
being o#ay to not o#ay all the time.
It,s gro)th man.5
13eah% gro)th. 'hat,s )hy it
hurts so muh.5
17hat are you going to tell
Cate+ 3ou should be alm before you
see her man.5
1I don,t #no) 'ony. I,m pretty
fu#ing mad at everyone here.5
1Aave the rest% I,ll roll another
/oint.5
1It,s too bad you had to get
involved.5
1I #no) man% I,m sorry. Bu#ing
bithes man% bithes.5
54
1'hat,s my )ife yo.5
1I #no) man% it,s /ust in general%
bithes. 7hen )omen reate on(it
li#e this% that,s )hat they are. 2iars.
*luts. 4ithes. Cunts. All the )ords )e
an thin# of to desribe most )omen%
they are.5
14ut )hat about us+ Don,t )e
have anything to do )ith this+5
13eah% )e,re di#s% but that,s to
be e&peted of us.5
1.ot al)ays. Can,t )e 6nd a )ay
not to be di#s to these bithes+5
13eah% )e get married. And then
)hat+ 7e get our di#s ho#ed to
death. *o you,re right% there is a )ay
not to be a di#% it,s by losing it. 7e
ommit di#aide5
13eah% )ell )e still get to #eep
our balls.5
1'hat,s true% I guess. 4ut )hat,s
the point in having balls if you don,t
have a di#+5
1'he di# is a boy,s thing. It,s a
fu#ing toy )e start playing )ith%
many of us% before )e an generate
any sperm. It tri#s us into giving up
)hat,s in our balls. If )e #ept it in our
balls% I )onder if )e,d be more
po)erful someho). 3ou #no) li#e%
55
Patheti Pussy
priests and shit% they an,t fu#% and
tantri se& and shit% reverse orgasms%
mystial fu#ing shit% it might be true%
you #no)% that blo)ing a load is li#e
giving a)ay your energy someho)%
and that,s )hy it feels so good% it,s
li#e passing this ne)J life% it,s li#e
giving a)ay life. *o our di# gets to
feel that vibration% and it,s nothing
more than a good feeling aused by
life e&iting our bodies through our
di#s% and so that,s )hy it feels so
good.5
1I love it )hen you tal# about
oming man. :ets me hard.5
1Bu# o0 man% you #no) )hat
I,m saying.5
1I have no idea )hat you,re
saying man. I,m so fu#ing high.5
1Ao),s your fae+5
1It,ll be o#ay. Ao),s your
hands+5
1Bu#ed up as shit% but they,ll be
o#ay.5
1I,m really sorry man.5
1>e too. 3ou,re gonna start
seeing less of me% I an,t do this
anymore.5
1I #no)% Al.5
13ou fu#ed my )ife asshole.5
56
1I #no)% man.5
57
Patheti Pussy
(e&s a fuc$in# Prince
'here )as this Du#e or Prine
from a Duth royal lineage that I one
spent a night )ith in =egas. As )e
played our )ay around the strip% from
asino to asino% )here at eah )as
an entire (oor set aside for him in
ase he deided to stay% he taught me
about the )orld. 'his Prine% )ho
everyone alled 8ddie% e&plained that
most of his life )as spent this )ay%
being given everything though he had
immense amounts of money% and that
it sometimes made him bored% and I
remember thin#ing this )as to
e&peted% that men need hallenges
in life% and ne) on-uests to #eep
their minds sharp. 8ddie did agree%
but he said that it )as the )ay of the
)orld to #eep royals li#e him in the
lap of lu&ury )here they belong. All
night 8ddie toyed )ith the idea that
)e should s)ith plaes and that I
should ta#e his life and he should ta#e
mine. Ae #ne) right a)ay I needed
help )hen he sa) me trying to pi#
up one of the girls in his entourage%
overhearing her tell me that I )as a
58
little man% and there )as no )ay a
)oman li#e her )ould ever ome near
a man li#e me. 8ddie made her give
me a blo)/ob% and later that night she
fu#ed me on his ommand. In the
end% I )as sent ba# to my life the
ne&t day% my lu&ury of the odd three
hundred dollar dinner% a steel Cole&%
and a leased 4>7 that I an barely
a0ord. 'his )as the year my son )as
born% about four years ago no)% yet% I
still remember that night as if it )ere
in the proess of ourring% and in
some philosophial )ay% I,m sure it is.
It a0eted me% no doubt% for at that
point I )as ne)ly married% and trying
to ma#e a areer for myself in the
most ommon of spheres "
management " and seeing ho) 8ddie
lived made it very hard for me to go
ba# to my small life )ith my eyes
losed. I had seen ho) easy it ould
be to live% to fu#% to get )omen to
fu# your friends beause you
snapped your 6ngers. 8ddie )as
popular% everyone loved him% and in
that one night I spent alongside him% I
got to #no) the meaning of life% that
thing )e,re all 6ghting for and
belongs to royalty. If the right )ere
59
Patheti Pussy
mine to be royal I )ould surely feed
the poor% and enlighten minds% and be
a soure of )ealth for others to
borro) from as I did borro) from
8ddie% and )hat he gave me as )ell%
enlightenment% the #no)ledge that
the end of su0ering does e&ist for
some men% but not beause they )ish
for it to end% but beause they #no) it
)ill not. Bor someone li#e me )ho is
not royal by lineage% and has not risen
to be a #ing% it seems neessary that I
thin# small% be married% have a family%
the odd girlfriend on the side% and die.
>y o)n royal )ar )ill be in the form
of a onstant battle against the
temptation to leave my family for
something else% maybe better or
maybe )orse. If I lose this battle% the
)ar does not end% beause as long as
I live% I )ill be hasing )hat I have left
behind% or those better possibilities I
)ill al)ays rave% li#e a #ing that
on-uests to e&pand his #ingdom
beyond the borders of the )orld. 'o
ontrol the onse-uenes of my
deisions before ma#ing them )ould
be the ro)n I,d )ear if I )as to be
ro)ned Ming. It,s li#e 4uddhist or
something% dharma% #arma% fu#o0a. I
60
)ant to fu# o0 and drive a)ay
instead of sitting in my ar outside of
Cate,s apartment% smo#ing a igarette
)hile the )eed smo#e in my brain
ells subsides% and I try to onvine
myself I,m royal in some )ay% and
that the man I am is )orthy of the
ro)n% that he isn,t small% and that
the immensity of my pain is proof of
this.
Aversive reations to pain are a
sign that I,m no Prine. Lpon seeing
Cate,s fae I,m immediately dra)n to
her% and )e go to her bed and I end
up fu#ing her )ith all my pent up
peasantness% my struggle to serve
myself )hile serving other harsh #ings
that demand my loyalty% and go to
)ar% murder% destroy if they must the
)iser #ings of myself that are
standing still beause they #no) there
is nothing more to a peaeful life than
stillness.
1I,m really sorry Catey% I,m /ust
going through something right no).
It,s all oming rashing do)n around
me% and I,m not even sure )ho I am
anymore% )hat I )ant% is it impossible
to have+ I have a son% I have to be
61
Patheti Pussy
responsible% but then% does it matter+
>y son% it,s not li#e I,m the only man
he an learn a lesson from. I ould be
an e&ample to follo)% or a autionary
tale% either )ay% he,ll learn% he,ll be
o#ay. >y )ife% I made a promise to
her% and I bro#e it. Is it possible for a
liar to go ba# on himself% and
beome someone honest% or is that
unhangeable+ I,ve made some
mista#es% but I don,t feel guilty about
them% does that ma#e them mista#es
or /ust little events in my life+ <ther
people )ill be hurt from )hat I do%
but% maybe that,s )hy I,m meant to
be alone% so I an,t hurt anyone. I
don,t mind being alone. If that,s ho)
you die% I should live that )ay too. If
it,s going to hurt other people )hen I
die% I an save them some pain by not
mattering to them% by ma#ing them
hate me for a )hile% and then% feel
nothing about me. 'hat,s ideal% that
)ould be better for everyone% and
then no one )ill miss me% and I an do
)hatever I )ant )ithout anyone
getting hurt.5
13ou should really be tal#ing
about these things )ith a
psyhologist. <r your )ife.5
62
18llen is too simple to thin#
about these things% she only )anted
one thing% me% a family% for us to be
happy% and safe.5
1'hat,s more than one thing Al.
3ou have to stop seeing her as a
martyr. 3ou glorify her% and it,s )hy
you #eep hurting her. It,s )hy you
haven,t left her yet. 2oo# )here you
ended up Al. 3ou,re here% )ith me.5
14ut soon I,ll be gone.5
17hy don,t you stay here
tonight+ 7e an ta#e tomorro) o0%
have a nie day together.5
17hat )ill it solve+5
1.othing Al. 3ou an,t solve
something li#e this all at one. It )ill
ta#e time. I an help you% )e an
6gure this out together. It,s life% it,s
gro)ing% it hanges% and it,s not
problem"free.5
13ou,re so )ise after an
orgasm.5
1It,s alled heavenly bliss% and if
you,d /ust let yourself feel it% you,d
see I,m right about this. *tay )ith me
Al% for long enough% and you,ll feel it
too. 3ou don,t love her. 3ou love me% I
#no) it% beause I love you. *ay it Al%
tell me. 'ell me you love me.5
63
Patheti Pussy
1'his is suh a big mess Cate. I
an,t say it% beause I don,t. I don,t
love you. 'his )as never supposed to
ome this far. I an,t love you% I,m too
fu#ed up to really love one )oman. I
gotta go% this isn,t right. I have to go
home.5
13ou do love me Al% don,t deny
this for yourself. 3ou thin# you,ve
done something )rong% and maybe
you have. 4ut% stop it% do something
good for yourself for one. 3ou do this%
you leave me no)% this )ill get a
)hole lot messier.5
1I,m out of here.5
1I,m serious Al% I don,t #no)
)hat I,ll do if you hurt me again.5
1I,m sorry% this should never
have happened.5
1Are you going to go ba# to
8llen+ After everything that,s
happened% you thin# she,d )ant you
ba# any)ay+5
1I love my son. Please don,t ry.
I,m doing this for him. 'here,s
something not right about a hild
thin#ing his parents hate eah other.
It,s against nature. 'his is against
nature.5
13ou,re so full of shit. 3ou,re
64
suh a fu#ing liar.5
13ou deserve more than that.5
13ou,re right I do.5
1I,m sorry Cate. I,m really sorry.5
1.o you,re not. 4ut% you )ill be.5
65
Patheti Pussy
it&s )ust s$in anyay
I love blondes% I love brunettes% I
love redheads% bla# hair% bla# s#in%
bro)n s#in% all s#in% big tits% small%
round asses% (at asses% young and
old% tight pussy% fat pussy% bush%
shave% lean% dirty% I love it all. <ne
type is not enough% and tastes depend
on mood% my mood s)ings% I,m li#e an
animal in the trees. I,m driving around
to)n on this *unday night smo#ing a
igarette% loo#ing out the )indo)
along the side of the road at a group
of #ids leaving the movie theatre.
'hey,re laughing. I thro) my igarette
butt out the )indo) and drive past
them )ondering if )hat they thin# is
funny no) )ill be funny to them )hen
they,re my age.
14aby I an,t ta#e it anymore%
you need to /ust limb on top of me.5
*he,s on him% loo#ing into the
amera she has plaed hidden% riding
him na#ed in the neptune dar# of our
living room. Aim% 'ony% lying on the
(oor eret li#e a bull% and my )ife
66
sliding do)n on him so slo) beause
she,s not used to suh a big o#% and
she tells him so going do)n% after she
had /ust su#ed him o0 for the last
ten minutes% minutes I )athed eah
on the small sreen of my phone. At
6rst I didn,t #no) )hat this )as. An
email from 8llen% a lin# to a porn
)ebsite% and the video she,s posted
1Cheating 7ife *lut Bu#ing Ais 4est
Briend5. I,m the thousandth person to
)ath it% and it has a one hundred
perent vie)ers rating. Comments
belo) the video read li#e 1)hat a
fu#ing hot bith% fu#5% 1nie su#5%
1she an su#5% 1this needs anal5%
1dude needs to shut up5. 'ony #eeps
alling her baby% and she says nothing
to him e&ept to moan for all her
pleasure% this is all for her and until
this moment had nothing to do )ith
me. *he doesn,t ome% but she ma#es
him% loo#ing into the amera )ith his
di# in bet)een her lips% and still )ith
the pain in my gut% I,m hard the )hole
time.
1Ao) long man% ho) long have
you been fu#ing my )ife+5
1I don,t #no) )hat you,re
67
Patheti Pussy
tal#ing about% go home% it,s late% I
have to )or# tomorro).5
1Ao) long 'ony% you fuck+5
1Kesus Christ% Al. Come in% ome
on% you,re )a#ing up my neighbours%
get inside.5
1Don,t touh me 'ony% I,ll beat
the fu#ing shit out of you again.5
17hat,s the matter+ Is it the
o#e+ Are you tripping right no)+
Aold on% I got something for that.5
1:et ba# here% I have to sho)
you% loo# man% she put it on the
internet. In my house% )hen did this
start+ 3ou said last night )as the 6rst
time. 'hen )hat the fu# is this video
then+ 3ou fu#ing lied to me man% you
fu#ing )ent behind my ba# you
piee of shitP5
1*hut the fu# up Al% here% ta#e
this% it,s a /oint laed )ith valium% you
need to alm do)n% so )e an tal#. I
don,t )ant to 6ght you man. I,m your
best friend. 'his ould all )or# out.
7e ould all be happy. Aere% let,s light
this up% fu#% )here,s my lighter. 2et,s
pass this ba# and forth. 'he one )ho
holds the spli0 is silent% the one )ho
doesn,t tal#s. :ot it+ *o spea# man.5
1Ao) do you e&pet everything
68
to )or# out+ A best friend doesn,t
fu# his best friend,s )ife. 'hat,s the
6rst rule of the ode. 3ou betrayed me
man. 4oth of you.5
1'a#e the /oint man% have a hit%
and let me e&plain it to you. 3eah%
)e,re best friends. 7e loo# out for
eah other and )hat matters. And
)hat you )ere too pussydrun# to see
)as that your )ife )as falling apart.
3ou didn,t notie+ 3ou didn,t see ho)
dar# her eyes )ere% or ho) saggy her
ass )as getting% ho) she )al#ed+
3ou,re her husband. 3ou,re my best
friend% and you really disappointed
me.5
1*o you fu#ed my )ife beause
I disappointed you+ 3ou trying toJ
)hat the fu# man% this shit is ma#ing
me dumb forrealJ you trying toJ.
punish me or some shit+5
13ou don,t seem to are at all
about this. If you really loved her you
)ould be trying to #ill the man that
too# her from you% not smo#ing a
peae igar )ith him.5
Jpeae igar+
J
1'oo#+5
13eah Al% too#. 8llen is going to
69
Patheti Pussy
divore you% and she and I )ill be
together.5
13ou piee of shit.5
1*he doesn,t love you anymore%
Al. .ot after all of this. 4e a man% use
your logi. I,m sorry she had to be so
ruel about telling you. If I had it my
)ay% it )ould have been a lot leaner.
*he,s going through some shit right
no)% so it ould be )hy she felt the
need to fu# )ith you. 'o tell you the
truth% I told her about buttfu#girl%
and ho) you fu#ed up my fae. *he
as#ed me )hat happened% I told her%
you #no) I didn,t e&pet her to do
something li#e that. *he,s #no)n
you,ve been heating for a )hile. 'hat
thing )ith Cate yesterday /ust put her
onto the edge% hearing about you
butt"fu#ing some other girl on top of
it must have pushed her over... 7e
still )ant you to see *imon% )e,ve got
it all 6gured out% I do% it,s going to be
o#ay man. 8veryone )ins. 3ou,ll get
)hat you al)ays )anted. 3ou as#ed
for this Al% you )eren,t the same one
you got married% you )ere frustrated
all the time man. I #no) you love
them% but ta#ing are of them% it,s
going to ma#e you hate them% and
70
yourself too. 3ou,re still a boy man%
and it,s o#ay% the )orld needs boys
li#e you. I need you man% you remind
me of a di0erent time% before I turned
into this% and life turned out this )ay%
it an be lean% )hat,s ne&t Al. 'hat,s
)hat )e )ant% that,s )hat me and
8llen )ant for you.5
1Bu# you. 'his is never going to
)or#. Bu# )hy am I still here in your
fu#ing presene+ *hit% I must be a
ma/or fu#ing pussy.5,
13ou,re not Al% you,re a good
guy% )ith peae in your heart.5
1Kesus Christ 'ony% you sound
li#e a fag )hen you,re on valium.5
1Don,t blame the valium% baby.5
I don,t thin# any man hooses to
lose ontrol of himself unless )hat
he,s about to do gives him too muh
pain% or en/oyment. I,m not sure )hih
I,m getting )hen I,m beating the
fu#ing shit out of 'ony,s fae again%
brea#ing his nose on the left bridge%
and pounding do)n on the same
bruises and uts from this morning. I
brea# a bottle in half% and )ith the
6rst s)ipe I ta#e out a piee of his
arm% opening a )ound muh too big
to all this anything but a 6ght to the
71
Patheti Pussy
death% but I )ould never #ill a man.
8ven if he had to die% I /ust don,t thin#
I ould do it. I feel si# to my stomah
)athing the blood ome out of his
arm% pooling around 'ony,s feet )hih
fall out from under him as he
ollapses. I reah into his po#et for
his phone and dial Q11. I ta#e a to)el
from the #ithen and )rap it around
his arm to ut o0 the (o) of blood%
and sine the ops are on their )ay I
do him a favour and ta#e all of his
drugs% the valium% the )eed% the o#e%
at least t)o grand,s )orth% )hih is no
fair sum in e&hange for )hat he,s
ta#en from me.

72
a man&s hea!' a hull' his ship
is sin$in#
1'rain that bith to love you% a
bith li#e that% she,s the type% you
have to train% and even then% she,ll
still try to fu# around on you and test
the boundaries% unless you have
something no other man has% but to
her% you,re a di#% and her% she li#es
big di#s and musular men% I an tell%
so aside from your money and your
harm% that,s all you are to her% and
there are lots of men out there in the
)orld )ith musles and big di#s% lots
of motherfu#ers she,d go after% and I
an tell from the )ay you loo# your
di#"si9e is average at most.5
1I don,t give a fu# about that.
I,m /ust here to settle some matters I
put into motion a little )hile ago.5
17hat,s your name again+5
1Al Cross. I,m the guy )ho spo#e
to your ...man aboutJ fu#ing
someone up. I )ant to all it o0. I,m
not as#ing for my money ba#% but I
an,t go through )ith it anymore. It,s
ma#ing me si#.5
1*hit,s already ta#en are of
73
Patheti Pussy
man. It,s too late.5
1Bu#.5
1Damn right fu#. 4uyer,s
remorse.5
17hat happened% )hat did you
guys do to him+5
1Ae,ll be alright.5
17hat did you do to him+5
1>an% )hy do you are so muh+
7e fu#ed him up li#e you as#ed.5
1*hit.5
17hat he do to you man+ I bet
he fu#ed your girl. 4ig guy li#e that.
*ee )hat I,m saying about musular
men )ith big di#s homey. 'hat girl
you,re arrying no)% she )on,t be
sti#ing around for long neither.5
1.o of ourse she )on,t% she,s a
hoo#er. I,m paying her to stay )ith
me. Don,t )orry she )on,t say
anything about this.5
1*hould I be )orried+ 'hen don,t
fu#ing say anything. I,m never
)orried homey% I,m a rela&ed as fu#
nigga. 7hy don,t you let her stay
here+ Aey honey.5
1.o that,s o#ay% I,ve gotta go.
Bu#. 'han#s any)ay.5
1'han#s any)ay+ 3ou,re a rude
ass motherfu#er.5
74
1I,m sorry% I,ve /ust never had
anyone beat up before.5
14eat up% nah% )e fu#ed him up
son. 4eat up is li#e bla# eyes and
shit% a bloody nose% fat lip. Bu#ed up
is fu#ed up.5
17ell% than#sJ I guess.5
1:et the fu# out of here man.
And leave the bith. I got money%
here% ta#e it% don,t fu#ing argue )ith
me% pay her pimp% it,s on me. 'a#e the
money and get the fu# out of here%
and you,re lu#y I,m even giving this
to you beause I feel sorry for you%
you ma#e me feel sorry% fu#% I gotta
get this pussy shit out of my system%
get over here baby% ome see me. Ais
di# is too small for a big loose pussy
li#e yours. Ae ever ma#e you ome
baby+5
1I get paid to ma#e him ome.5
1'hought so% man% get the fu#
out of here% atually% no% stay. Chill
)ith me a bit% I got some molly% I got
some hroni. 7e an have a good
fu#ing time. I,ve never seen a )hite
man fu# before in real life. 7hy don,t
you t)o stay here and fu#% )e an
ma#e a little movie.5
1I don,t do movies.5
75
Patheti Pussy
1Al% you loo# li#e you,re
onsidering it my man.5
1I don,t give a fu#.5
1<#ay then% get your girl in line.
I,ll give you a hundred dollars honey%
you )ant to ma#e a hundred dollars+5
1A hundred dollars+ I an ma#e
that )ith a blo)/ob% o0"amera. Al%
ome on% this isn,t part of it. 2et,s go.5
1I,m sorry man% you heard the
)oman. *he,s not into it.5
1<#ay% )ell% )hat if )e fu# her
together instead. .o amera.5
13ou do)n for that+5
1')o hundred dollars from both
of you and I )ill be.5
1I got this Al.5
1And you,ll both use rubbers.5
1Bu# this bithJ5
76
feelin# for fantasy
Porn and hoo#ers and strip
lubs% and streets late at night%
motels. Drugs% so many s)eet drugs.
'his is no) my life. ')o months sine
I left 8llen% and e&ept that short snap
)hen I alled for 'ony to get 1fu#ed
up5% I,ve never been better. I still have
money% my 4>7% a /ob% and no) that
it,s over )ith Cate% )or# has beome
a lot easier% bordering boredom% and I
#eep my nights eventful )ith di0erent
#inds of )hores% se&ing them in the
apartment I,m renting% pulling their
names o0 of )ebsites to set up dates%
blondes% bla# girls% asian hi#s% anal
speialists% frea#s that let you shit and
piss on them% or )ill shit and piss on
you% trannies% s-uirters% girls that
barely loo# eighteen% or don,t% it
doesn,t matter% and I hoose from
everything until I 6nd my favourite%
Carrie% a )hite blonde :B8 E:irlBriend
8&perieneF )ith soft tits% pale )hite
s#in and these fat fu#"me pussy lips
that beome engorged )hen she,s
horny. I spend all my money on her%
and li-uor and drugs% my apartment
77
Patheti Pussy
osts four hundred and 6fty dollars a
month to rent% and is one room )ith
an attahed #ithen% a bathroom and
a loset )here I #eep my 6ve suits
and laptop bag% under)ear% so#s% a
pair of /eans% everything I need for
no)% and I,ve never felt so uni6ed
)ith the )orld% never so ready to die.
4eause I spend a lot of time fu#ing%
and I never eat% my body is getting
ripped% and I notie the )hores fu#
me harder and start to en/oy
themselves more. Carrie tells me
she,s starting to fall in love )ith me%
and I tell her I am too% that )e should
be together li#e people )ho love eah
other are supposed to% and that real
love )as meant to be so simple%
arnal and primary. Cudimentary% I
say to her% )here )hat,s /ust possible
also beomes real. *he )on,t leave
her life% it,s not that simple% but she
ma#es up for it by allo)ing me to fu#
her bareba# in the ass and reampie%
)hih up until then )as something
she only let her husband do.
13ou really thin# the li#es of you
and me ould get married and fu#
78
one other person for the rest of our
lives+5
1Bu#ing you the rest of our lives
sounds good to me.5
13ou,re lying. Come on% don,t lie
to a )hore Al% I an tell. It,s o#ay. I
ouldn,t do it either.5
1<#ay% so )e,ll get married% and
have an open relationship one it gets
boring. 7e,ll start s)inging%
threesomes. It,ll be marital bliss for
Carrie and Al.5
13ou don,t seem to understand
marriage. 4liss% yes% you get that% but
marriage... 3ou get married% )hen
you,re fu#ing ertain.5
17ell aren,t you married+5
1Bu# Al. Don,t put this on meJ
you,re trying to ma#e me feel guilty.
>arriage... 3ou don,t have to get
married to the person you,re fu#ing.
It,s not nineteen"6fty"fu#ing"si&. 3ou
marry beause you )ant them alone%
beause )ith them% it,s not /ust
fu#ing% it,s ma#ing love% and you love
them forever.5
1Don,t you love me Carrie+5
1<h baby% I loved )hen you
ame in my ass.5
17ho,s lying no).5
79
Patheti Pussy
1I,m notJ5
80
a caricature of innocence
'ony sends me an email at the
o;e as#ing if )e an go grab a beer.
It,s been si& months sine I,ve seen
him% and he )al#s into the bar )ith a
ast on his leg and supporting himself
on a ane. I as# him )hat happened.
Ae said he )as /umped by a bunh of%
then stops himself% and says 1thugs5%
but I #no) )hat he meant to say.
12isten% Al% as someone )ho
really ares about you% before )e get
into )hat I )ant to tal# about% I have
a -uestion for you. 7hen did you get
so stupid man+5
17e haven,t spo#en in months%
and you,re opening )ith that+ 7hen
did I get so stupid+ 7hat in the fu#
do you mean by that+5
1I mean the )hores% the boo9e%
the drugs% all the shit you,re doing
right no)% and even before. 3eah you
)eren,t paying for se& ba# then% but
you )ere spending a ton of ash at
the lubs% and on hotels. I found out
you left nothing in savings for 8llen
81
Patheti Pussy
and *imon. 3ou haven,t sent us a
dime for him. 7e need to set some
terms.5
1Is this )hat this is about%
money+5
17ell yeah Al% it,s about fu#ing
money. It,s about the shit you,re doing
to fu# up ho) you an help provide
for your family.5
13ou seem stressed man% more
than usual. >ore than I,ve ever seen
before.5
13eah and you seem rela&ed%
more than I,ve ever seen.5
1*o )hy did you all me out
here+ If it,s not /ust money you
)anted to tal# about% )hih% )hen
8llen and me atually get divored%
)ill be 6gured out% but )e haven,t
even tal#ed about that yet.5
18llen,s pregnant man. It,s
mine.5
17ell of ourse it is% godamnit.5
13ou don,t really seem to are
82
that muh. Are you even mad+ 7hat
the fu# goes through your head
)hen I say something li#e that. 3ou
don,t even seem to understand )hat
it means.5
1I,ve been smo#ing a ton of
)eed these days.5
1Aside from the )hores you
seem to be doing very )ell.5
1Ao) do you even #no) about
that+5
1I follo)ed you ba# to your
apartment one night. 8llen )as
)orried about you. I felt li#e a total
asshole for doing it% I really didn,t
)ant to% but she got me to% someho)%
she has a )ay. *o I sho)ed up outside
your apartment% and sat there a fe)
minutes until you ame home. 3ou
)ent inside. It )as all good. I had a
report that you )ere alive and )ell. I
)as going to go home% but then I sa)
a girl ome up to your room )ith
some thug loo#ing guy at her side%
and then you opened your door and
let her in% the guy stayed outside the
door you #no)% and an hour later she
83
Patheti Pussy
left% right on the dot% an hour later. I
#ne) it then. *he )as a )hore.5
13eah so% you never fu#ed a
prostitute before+5
1.ot one in my life. I,ve never
paid for se& one.5
13es you have. 8veryone does.
8veryone pays for se& in one )ay or
another.5
13eah )ell that,s di0erent% that,s
innoent.5
13ou and my )ife do any of that
innoent #ind of fu#ing+5
1*he,s soon to be my )ife man%
and let me tell you% not only does
8llen fu# me li#e no other )oman
has fu#ed me before% there,s nothing
innoent about the )ay she does it.5
13ou shouldn,t have said that.5
1I #no) man% I still )ant to be
friends.5
13eah )ell that,s not possible
anymore.5
84
1I #no) it isn,t.5
1It,s o#ay you fu#ing idiot.5
1I /ust )anted to tell you man.
*ome shit has to happen no)% so you
need to #no). 7e,ll give you a all
soon. Aave you ome over for dinner%
and )e an all tal# to *imon and tell
him )hat,s happening.5
13eah+ And )hat is happening+5
1Come on Al. 3ou #no) )hat has
to happen. I,m going to get going.
'his is on me. *tay o0 the )hores
man. 7ath porn. :et your game
ba# up. Bind a )oman. A )oman
man% no more girls. Bind your one
)oman man% and do it for real this
time.5
85
Patheti Pussy
church ma!e them ea$
I,m at my parents, house for
dinner in this ne) era )here I,m a
divored failure )hose marriage fell
apart by his o)n doing% and they both
hate me for failing at something
)hih to them is essential to
happiness. >arriage. Bu# dad% it,s not
the end of the )orld that I,m getting
divored. I,ll 6nd someone else% li#e
mom says% )omen ome and go. I try
my best to hide my atual apathy
from them. 'hroughout the night any
onversation that is not about my
marital status is stunted beause
everyone,s minds are on other things
than )hat they are saying. >y mother
#eeps bringing up the )rong sub/ets.
>y father gets up from the table and
ta#es his plate )ith him to the living
room and turns on the '=. I sit )ith
my mother in silene until the hollo)
sound of the '= ma#es its )ay into
the #ithen% and gives me something
to listen to. >y mother as#s me
something% Am I o#ay+ I say yes to
everything she says% even )hat I
86
don,t hear. It ma#es her feel better%
but does nothing for me beause I
don,t feel bad about anything.
87
Patheti Pussy
*exxxica
she&s full of tattoos an! she
spray tans' she&s my favourite
stripper
*he,s the number one rated
eroti performer in to)n% at the
number one strip lub in to)n% and
she,s on my lap% grinding me through
my /eans% and I,m slipping a t)enty
into her /e)el enrusted Eamong other
thingsF panties so she,ll stay for
another minute.
1:ive me a hundred and I,ll ta#e
you to the =IP.5
*o I slip her another four bills.
*ome men spend their time at the
gym and lift. :ood for them. I hoose
to )or# out another musle instead. I
have a lot of rage in me today to use
for my )or#out at this 6ne
gentleman,s establishment beause
today I )as fu#ing 6red for fu#ing
se&ual harassment of a olleague% and
though I )as )rongfully aused% a
string of dirty te&ts and emails made
88
it seem as though I )as the
aggressor% and sine I deleted every
te&t and email Cate ever sent me% I
had no proof of the other)ise. >y
statement to the human resoure
manager of 1she,s a lying unt5 did
nothing to help my ause either. 'o
put a nie bo) on this beautiful gift of
shit given to me today% I,ll also have
to go to ourt and serve trial beause
she laimed mental distress and an
unsafe )or# environment for )hih
she is suing the ompany. Cight no)%
this doesn,t matter. 'omorro) still
does not e&ist in the t)ilight of this
room amid the glamour lights (ashing
upon the daners and on their tits and
shaved pussies% on the s#in that
e&poses and loo#s /uiy and ma#es
me salivate beause I )ant to taste it.
'he smell of beer and s)eat sti#s to
the air% the air"onditioned air that
ma#es it old in here so that all the
girls have pointy nipples.
Ke&&&ia% ta#es me past the
stage to)ards the =IP room% and the
bouner e&plains to me the rules% the
ost. I nod him o0. I #no) )hat it
osts% I say% and Ke&&&ia leads me
89
Patheti Pussy
past him before I an piss him o0.
13ou,ve had a rough day honey.
2et me ma#e you feel good.5
1Can I ome in my pants+ <r is
that something you loo# do)n on+5
13ou,re polite for as#ing. :o
ahead. <r% better yet% I an give you a
blo)/ob for t)o hundred.5
1I,ve got t)o hundred. I,ve got a
thousand. 7hat an I get for a
thousand+5
1Bive blo)/obs.5
1.o fu#+5
1.o fu#. I,m sorry. I,m not a
hoo#er.5
1I,m ontent then /ust oming in
my pants.5
13ou sure+ I give really good
head.5
13eah I don,t #no) )hat I,m
thin#ing. I,ll buy the blo)/ob.5
1'a#e o0 your pants.5
90
1'here you go. 7hat do you
thin#+5
1It loo#s good.5
1>y name,s Al by the )ay.5
1I,m Ke&&&.5
1I #no) Ke&&&. 3ou,re my
favourite stripper.5
1'hat,s so nie. I bet I an ma#e
you ome -ui#. 3ou loo# li#e a horny
boy.5
1Don,t rush it Ke&&&.5
1It,ll be )orth it )hen you
ome.5
1And )hat if I don,t+5
1<h you )ill.5
1If I give you e&tra )ill you let
me ome on your fae+5
1:ross. Come on Al% I li#e you so
far% but you,re starting to slip. Kust sit
ba#% stop trying to ma#e a deal. It,s
greasy.5
91
Patheti Pussy
1Bu#.5
1Don,t be sad baby. 3ou an still
ome in my mouth for free. >ost girls
)ouldn,t let you get a)ay )ith that.5
17ell aren,t you haritable.5
1I,m doing my best baby.5
1Aren,t )e allJ5
13ou li#e that+ Come on% touh
my tits% you an touh me any)here
e&ept on my pussy and my asshole.5
1Ao) many guys try to touh
your asshole+5
13ou,d be surprised.5
13ou ever been in love before
Ke&&&+5
1*ure% I,m in love )ith you right
no). >mm% you li#e you baby+ 7hen I
li# your o# li#e that+5
1'hat,s not love Ke&&&% I mean I
do love it% don,t stop.5
1>mm.5
92
1'he #ind of love that lasts
Ke&&&. It )asn,t love if it didn,t last.
It,s o#ay though% it ta#es a really
normal person to fall in love.5
1>mm.5
17e,re /ust abnormal people%
you and me.5
1*top tal#ing baby% I an feel
you going soft.5
1I,m sorry Ke&&&% I got a lot on
my mind. >y e&")ife is pregnant )ith
her ne) husband% )ell% not husband
yet% she and I are still married% )e
have a son% he,s four% he probably has
no idea )hat,s going on% and I never
see him. *pending all my time and
money at strip lubs and on )hores%
porn " I thin# I,m addited to se&.5
1Addited to se&+ 'hat,s pretty
serious. I don,t thin# you are. I #no)
real se& addits% and you,re nothing
li#e them.5
13ou don,t really #no) me )ell
Ke&&&% but than#s.5
17ell I don,t #no) you Al% but I
93
Patheti Pussy
#no) ho) to ma#e you ome% so I do
#no) you more than you thin#.
>mm.5
17ell% )hen I ome% don,t stop.
Meep going. I,ll pay for another b/ right
no) in advane if it means sitting in
here )ith you and that mouth. 3ou
don,t have to )aste your time on
those slobs out there. I,ll tell you my
life story and you an su# me o0
)hile I do it% ho) does that sound+
7ait% you haven,t had anyone else,s
di# in your mouth so far tonight have
you+5
1>mm. I,m not going to feel
sorry for you Al% as muh as you try%
as muh as I )ant to. >mm.5
1I #no) Ke&&&% that,s )hy I,m
falling in love )ith you.5
1>mm. >mm. >mm.5
1<h yeah% that,s it. Page one% a
story about Al Cross alled Patheti
PussyJ It,s raining% you #no)% one of
those summer rains )here you an
smell the pavement and shit. >y e&"
girlfriend Catey is fu#ing me% fu#ing
94
me good. *he,s tal#ing dirty% mostly
about my )ife% li#e )e li#e to. 3ou li#e
that Ke&&&+ 3ou,re really all business
do)n there% slo) do)n% slo) do)n%
there,s lots more to tell. I still haven,t
ome up )ith an ending% but I don,t
hope it doesn,t end )ith me having a
heart"atta# from a blo)/ob by my
favourite stripper.5
95
Patheti Pussy
+&m a healthy man,
inte#rity isn&t a -uestion of
hether or not you lie - it&s a
-uestion of commitment,
7hen spinning plates% there are
many rules that establish your
dominane as a man% and desirability%
thus opening up the 6eld and
e&panding your options% rules of
thumb that must beome embedded
into your nature% rules of on6dene
and ommand. 'he gameless people
)ho are out there d)indling among
the ompetitive ro#s of talented men
)ho #no) )omen and )hat to do )ith
them are many% and in fat% their
limited suess tri#s them into
thin#ing they #no) something. I an
)ath a ro)d and in one minute
have every person% male or female%
6gured out from the relative nature
among them that ma#es eah of them
uni-ue. I #no) ho) to loo# at another
man orretly% )hat to loo# for in him
to see )hat his body language is
saying% ho) he onduts himself%
)hat it says about his harater% is he
96
a leader of men+ Is there anything
about him that I )ant to follo)+ Ais
ool+ Ao) he dresses+ Ao) he
interats )ith his environment% is
there something about it that I
respet% or do I feel sorry for him+ 'he
)orst #ind of guy out there is the one
)ho,s read the boo# about the game%
but has no idea ho) it,s atually done.
Ae,s li#e a pi#"up nerd. Ae,s read the
boo#s% read the rules% an analy9e any
situation orretly% but% in his heart%
he,s a little vagina beause he la#s
the most basi s#ill he needs to
sueed at anythingI the )ill to at.
Ae has never sedued a )oman on
purpose% and if he,s ever pi#ed up% it
had nothing to do )ith him " it )as
pure lu#% it )as the girl pi#ing him
up% not him pi#ing up the girl. Bu#
those guys.
Bor the )omen it,s -uite lear
)ho )ill fu# you and )ho )ill not.
And that doesn,t mean you an,t
deide that for yourself. *ome girls
legitimately don,t ome to fu#% but
an be made to. 3ou have to #no)
)hat to say% of ourse% and no girl is
atually the same% e&ept% you an
97
Patheti Pussy
ma#e them )ant the same thing.
*ome men my age sit at home
on a night li#e tonight )ith their feet
up% all of this shit belo) them%
someho)% they,ve put it there% under
their feet% and 6nd a )ay to #eep it
there. 7hat,s above me no) is a
)oman )ho% at the moment% is out of
my league. It,s not that I,m not good
enough for her% it,s that I feel li#e I,m
not. A shot of )his#y% then another%
and I an onvine myself she,s )orth
less than I am% not my e-ual% not
better% but )orth less beause that
being true is the only )ay to get any
)oman to fu# a man she,s /ust met%
that,s the truth% and right no)% I,m
loo#ing at the truth.
*he danes alone% far enough
from her friends so men an advane
on her% lose enough so she an
retreat. I,m muh better loo#ing than
anyone I,ve seen her turn do)n% muh
better suited for her in every )ay. I,ve
sueeded )ith )omen li#e her so
often that it,s part of my identity. I
don,t let any doubt ome into my
head% so I,ve got nothing to hide.
*uess. 'he )ay she responds% as
98
)ith any )oman% has more to do )ith
me than )ith her. I,m in my prime
no)% and it sho)s. I plae myself in
front of her% and lo# into her eyes.
*he loo#s younger up lose. Ao) old
is she+ Ao) old are you+ ')enty"
three+ .o )ay you loo# li#e you,re
nineteen. 3ou better not be younger%
other)ise I an,t dane )ith you. <h
ome on of ourse they let you in%
you,re smo#ing hot no matter ho) old
you are. 4ut that,s o#ay% I fu# girls as
young as si&teen. I,m only #idding%
fourteen. Kust #idding% you,re so
beautiful. 7ant to dane+ 'a#ing her
around the )aist% I pull her lose to
me amid the sent of sugar"infused
alohol and s)eat% the smell of my
ologne ma#es me stand out% and
must sting her into feeling something
ritial about me that she,s )illing to
give up her defenses at the touh of
my 6ngers along her bare ba#. >ost
people are passengers% men and
)omen ali#e% half"dead% and )hen
someone around us omes alive% )e
tend to follo) them. I,m in the lead%
but something feels di0erent this
time. It,s been a )hile sine I,ve had
to )or# for a girl. A girl li#e this is
99
Patheti Pussy
bound to notie any sign of )ea#ness%
and -ui#ly hange her mind% beause
this is the type that is al)ays
hanging her mind% and it,s beause
she an% sine she,s so se&y% and to
survive she needed these loo#s%
other)ise someone )ould have #illed
her a long time ago for being so
fu#ing annoying. I glane at her
)orried she,s aught on% but she,s
drun#.
*he,s giving me a forty"an"hour
blo)/ob in my 4>7. 7e )ouldn,t be
out here unless I had told her I )as
married. 4efore then% )e )ere
destined to a night of ma#ing out%
maybe a hand /ob% a little 6ngering
and nothing more. I told her I )as
married% ated li#e I felt remorse% thus
ma#ing myself appear better than
her% and then I plead to her that it )as
beause she )as so fu#ing beautiful%
that I didn,t have a hoie. *he
responded by starting to su# my
di#. *he,s the type that li#es to stop
and tal# in the middle of it% some of it
dirty% but most /ust straight
onversation% so I,m guessing she,s
100
also the type that doesn,t s)allo)%
and I,m not about to blo) a load on
my leather interior% and I am going to
blo) my fu#ing load one )ay or
another )ith this bith. *he stops
again to as# me if I live far from here.
I tell her to stop tal#ing% I,m about to
ome and she lets my di# fall ba#
against my stomah and sits ba#
from me.
13ou do this all the time+5
1.o% this is really my 6rst time
heating. Come on% )hy,d you stop+5
13eah right.5
1It really is. I fu# my )ife all the
time I didn,t ome out to fu# anyone
tonight. 3ou,re driving me ra9y.5
17hat ma#es you thin# )e,re
going to fu#+ Is your )ife out of to)n
or something+5
1.o% she,s ba# at home. I,m out
)ith my buddies% one of them /ust got
dumped% so )e,re out here trying to
get him laid. 3ou )ouldn,t happen to
have any friends )ould you+ <r% you
into threesomes+5
101
Patheti Pussy
1>aybe. I don,t fu# around )ith
married guys. 2i#e% I,m not going to
have an a0air )ith you. I might
onsider the threesome though.5
13ou,re too hot from him. Ae,d
ome too fast% and then it )ould /ust
get a)#)ard% him standing there
)athing us fu# li#e adults. And
any)ay% I,m not loo#ing for an a0air.
A friend of mine /ust had his )ife
leave him for that% he got 6red from
his /ob% a ton of shit )ent )rong for
that guy. Bu# a0airs. I,m happy to
/ust all it a night if you )ant. Lnless
you )ant to go ba# to your plae.5
1*ure% )e an go to my plae.5
1'his is perfetly innoent you
#no). 'hat,s )hat I li#e about this.5
1.ot a lot of guys are this
honest. 8ither that or you,re a good
liar. I bet you,re not even married. 3ou
seem more li#e divored to me.5
1I )ill be unless I get home by
t)o. 7e,ve got three hours.5
13ou better be )orth all this
trouble.5
102
I don,t tell her I,m not.
1Ao) ome you )on,t ome+ Am
I not hot enough for you% are you gay+
7hat the fu# gives+5
')o hours later and I still an,t
ome. .ormal fu#ing doesn,t do
muh for me anymore. *he )on,t ta#e
my load in her mouth% she )on,t let
me ome in or on her ass or tits% or in
her pussy unless I use a ondom%
)hih doesn,t -ualify for in her pussy
and I refuse to fu#ing do. *he )ants
it on her stomah% and only her
stomah li#e it,s some holy and safe
reeptale for /i99% or a rag% or the
toilet. 7hat a bith. After she #i#s
me out I start to )al# home% reali9ing I
have my ar par#ed in front of her
house% and I turn around% a raging
hard"on lifting the front of my pants%
drun#% stumbling e&hausted% li#e
some ra9ed undead se&ual predator I
myself )ould run from if I sa) )al#ing
to)ards me in the street.
Baeboo#% 'inder% Instagram%
103
Patheti Pussy
Plenty of Bish% >athboo#% *napChat%
ChatCoulette% redditgone)ild G there
are a lot of plaes to meet people on
the internet% therefore% logially% a lot
of plaes to meet people to fu#%
either digitally% if not in real life. I set
up shedules to meet )omen% three a
night for 6fteen minute minimums%
non"ommittal meetings )here both
of us deide if )e )ant to ta#e it
further% and the thing about )omen
you have to #no) is that they )ant to
fu#. 'hey )ant to fu# as muh as
you do.
I,m not a omplete animal " I,m
a man% a gentleman. 'he rules are
basi% if you #no) them% if you believe
it,s not so romanti% and that it really
doesn,t matter Eit doesn,tF% you )ill
sueed. 7e all have our o)n rules%
and maybe for someone )e,ll
ompromise. Compromise is for the
)ea#% it,s not a -uestion. >en and
)omen )ho ompromise for the
e&istene of family only pass on their
)ea#ness to the ne&t generation.
Bamily an su# the life out of you
)hen it,s not )hat you really )ant.
*ome nights )hen I,m alone I
104
sour the internet for porn and feel
isolated from the )orld. 'here are an
in6nite number of videos to )ath%
any number of strange se& to ast my
eyes upon% but in the end I ome to
the one video I,ve )athed the most%
Cheating 7ife *lut Bu#ing 4est
Briend% a ne) version reposted long
after the original )as ta#en do)n. It,s
impossible to erase anything )e,ve
done.
105
Patheti Pussy
.he /niverse Breathes 0ou
+n,
'he pamphlet lies on the
side)al# in front of my feet% battered
from being trampled on% a big sun on
the over% 'he Lniverse 4reathes 3ou
In% and 3ou,re the Cespiration. 7hat
you :ive Is 7hat 3ou :et.
3ou,re losing your hair trying to
stay strong. It started a fe) )ee#s
ago% and you,re )aiting for it to stop.
3ou haven,t had muh to do for
)ee#s. 3ou,re bro#e% thin#ing about
)elfare% and the only plae left to go
is ba# to your parents, house%
)hih you,re planning to do at the
end of the )ee#% moving ba# )ith
them% leaving your )orld to go ba#
into to theirs. 3our parents al)ays
hold the #eys to the )orld for you
)hen you,re young and helpless. .o
matter if they #eep the door sealed%
or send you out on your o)n%
unprepared% either )ay% it,s up to
them to unlo# the door. 3ou% you% you
% you. 'his isn,t me. 'his is not my life.
2osing my form% the shape I,ve ta#en
106
is foreign% otherly% unreogni9able. I
no longer see my son beause I do
not )ant him to see me this )ay. >y
parents #eep a lose eye on me% and
my father gro)s angrier )ith every
day I sit in his house doing nothing%
and my mother seems bro#en do)n%
li#e she,s suddenly beome old. *he
gets si#. As if paying us ba# for not
appreiating her enough% and life%
someho) sho)ing us ho) impulsive it
is in its endings% so -ui# and abrupt%
)e barely had time to say goodbye%
and not properly% the end ame muh
too soon% and even the day )e all
#ne) it )as the end% I ouldn,t tell her
I )as sorry% and I refused to say
goodbye.
At the funeral my father )as
-uiet. I sat )ith him at the front of
the funeral hall% behind us those
sharing in our misfortune% and
throughout the day I hear )hispering
about ho) it )as my fault mom died
beause it made her si# to thin# of
)hat had happened to her son. 'his
other form of mourning ma#es me
angry all day. I try to pass it o0 and
ignore it so as to be strong )ith my
107
Patheti Pussy
son there.
13ou an say goodbye to her
no). 'hat,s )hy )e,re all here today.5
1Dad% )ill she even hear me+
*he,s dead.5
1I,m not sure. I don,t #no) )hat
happens to us )hen )e die.5
1I don,t thin# anything happens.
'ony said that )hen people die they
go to sleep forever.5
1'hat,s probably the best )ay to
thin# about it.5
14eause she,s dead right+ And I
)on,t ever see her again.5
1I,m not sure about that either. I
don,t #no)% ome on% let,s /ust thin# if
she )as here right no)% and she
#ne)% and you #ne)% this is your last
hane to say something to her% )hat
)ould you say to her+5
1I,d as# her )here she )as
going.5
14ut she doesn,t #no) that% she
108
only #no)s she has to go.5
1Are you going )ith her soon
Dad+5
1.o% I,m going to be right here%
for a long time.5
1>om said to 'ony she )ished
you died instead of :randma.5
17ell your mother is a bith for
saying that.5
At the )a#e my father is so
drun# he falls asleep in his hair )hile
our relatives and family friends slough
around the house in a mi&ture of
restrained emotions. *ome hold ba#
sadness% others% the temptation to at
as if not gravely a0eted by my
mother,s death. 'he food is good.
7e,re )ith people )e tend to love%
but one of them is missing and )ill be
forever. Bor me% my mother is dead%
and it ma#es me strangely horny% and
all day I feel bad about the thoughts
oming into my head about some of
the )omen there% and their pity for
me and ho) it turns me on. 'heir
attention validates my bro#enness% as
109
Patheti Pussy
if it )ere natural% normal% and not the
sign of a mutilated and perverted
mind. 'his reation is normal% the
irumstanes /ust. 8verything I,ve
done has led to this% so )hy not+ All
of this trouble aused for me by these
)omen. >allory is divored% thirty"si&
and a bit over)eight% and I #no) she,s
the one from the gentle and in/ured
loo# in her eyes% a loo# as#ing the
)orld to go easy on her% and #no)ing
)omen li#e this give the best
blo)/obs% and )ill al)ays su# on your
balls )ithout being prompted% I start
to tal# to her% and all of my
suggestions lead her upstairs )ith me
to my hildhood bedroom )here she
gives me head li#e a teenager. 'he
fu#ing )e do is tender% and loving%
and at the end )hen I ome% no
ondom% right inside her% she holds
me in her arms and tells me that it,s
alright.
110
a stream of consciousness is
a confession
.ot long after my mother,s
funeral% I stand trial for se&ual
harassment in a ivil la)suit that lasts
t)o hours. I,m harged and sentened
to t)o hundred hours of gender
sensitivity training% and having been
found guilty% am no) a registered se&
o0ender. Aaving not prepared muh
for the trial% I )onder if there )as
more I ould have done to ma#e a
better ase for my harater. 4eing a
father% a good husband )hen I )as%
the fat that it )asn,t harassment% it
)as onsensual. .one of this )as
brought up to the female /udge% )ho
had me labelled guilty before this all
started. I )as pleading guilty any)ay%
beause I had no ase to defend% and
no money to pay for a la)yer to dra)
out a ase I may very )ell lose. >y
father sat in the ourtroom% my only
form of support% he and his gambling
friend Comano% )ho ta#e me to a bar
after my sentening and Comano tells
us about a time he )as arrested in
*lova#ia for stealing a man,s =CC. Ae
111
Patheti Pussy
)eaves an intriate impasse of
transgression telling a story about
ho) he had no other means to feed
himself in those days but to steal the
petty things of others% 1Ceal petty
things5% eletronis% things that ould
be done )ithout% and if he had to hurt
someone to steal from them it )as
their o)n fault.
1I got bit by dogs many times.
3ou have nothing to )orry about Al.
3ou,re young% still% you have a good
father here )ho )ill ta#e are of you%
and help you get on your feet% and a
mother loo#ing do)n on you from
heaven. 3ou may have had some
problems here% but believe me% this
isn,t that bad.5
1*on% don,t )aste your time son.
Don,t )aste your time.5
1I,m sure you,re both right% but
all I )ant at this moment is this drin#%
and a nie slushy hole to put my o#
in.5
14oth right+ 'here,s more to life
than that son.5
112
7hen no one )ants to be )ith
you% life is muh di0erent. 3ou ome
to #no) this after days of doing
nothing but smo#ing )eed and /er#ing
o0 to progressively )eirder porn. In
the morning that 6rst /oint and hit on
my di# feels so speial. In the glint of
the sunrise% in my bedroom )ith utter
silene at si& A>% IOm the only one
a)a#e% e&ept the sun and ool
bree9e (o)ing through my )indo).
:etting high ta#es all of 6ve minutes.
Ka#ing o0 ta#es four. I 6nd a girl"girl
sene that is sensual and )ell shot%
)hite ba#grounds% and )hite girls%
blondes% early t)enties )ith smallish
tits% and pointy little tongues. I move
to another girl"girl% e&ept this time
dirtier% maybe amateur% no toys. I li#e
)athing real ontat% and if the girl
happens to have hair in her ass it
ma#es the sene seem more realisti%
and nie to ome to% still into the
same Mleene& I,ll reuse again% folding
it over li#e um"soa#ed origami. 'en
hours of this% /er#ing at last to a
tranny fu#ing a )oman in the mouth
)ith her giganti o#. I get a fe)
#no#s on my door throughout the
day% my father he#ing on me% but
113
Patheti Pussy
he #no)s some days I donOt ome out%
and even )ith all of his troubles heOs
still moving on through time )ith no
protest% a follo)er% a bro#en man )ith
no 6ght left in him. Ae gambles every
day% but he )ins. It,s beause he
doesn,t are anymore that he )ins.
7hen he ared% )hen it )ould have
meant something% he )ould lose. 2ife
is the endless fu#er. 8ver sine mom
died% heOs )inning all #inds of money
and he resents it% li#e he should% li#e
any pleasure ould ompensate for
the pain he arries )ith him% but itOs
not in him% itOs not inside of him
)re#ing him up li#e it is in me% and
for )hat+ 4eause IOm a pussy% the
)orst thing of all% a tired out shithead
)ith a body that is turning into mush.
'hough I had said it )as my last
/er#o0 of the day% it turns out I have
one more left in me% an eleventh
today% and I don,t remember seleting
the video or anything% but I ome to
the sight of some guy getting rammed
in his ass by a humongous bla#
transse&ual )ith dar# bouny tits and
mean loo#ing eyes% and though I,m
staring at her tits the )hole time I,ll
still have to atone for this later )ith a
114
pure teen girl solo masturbation
video.
In the morning% after a night of
souring Baeboo# for fu#s% my di#
is so ra) from me tugging on it that I
an,t masturbate anymore. I have the
)indo) open to freshen up the /i99
and banana M3"lube"infused air% and I
get my to)el and ne) lothes and
)al# to the bathroom to ta#e a long
sho)er% but the door is losed% and
lo#ed.
1Dad% ome on% you have your
o)n bathroom. 3ou don,t have to shit
in mine do you+5
'he door s)ings open% revealing
a young girl standing in a to)el. Aer
s)ollen eyes loo# up at me /ust li#e
the girl in that video )here the young
teen sedues her step"father. 'he girl
here has big pouting lips% and holds
the to)el against her hest. Aer
breasts are big for a girl her age% and I
#no) she )ants to fu# me. *he
moves aside% and lets me )al# in% and
she steps out into the hall)ay. I lose
the door -ui#ly% lo#ing it. 'he
115
Patheti Pussy
steamy air in the room lings to the
)alls% and porelain% the glass. It
smells li#e summer rain and
bubblegum. >y di# gets hard but I
an,t touh it. 8ven the hot )ater on
the s#in is agony.
After I ome out and hange% I
go to the #ithen and she,s sitting at
the table% fully dressed% and )ith her
lothes on she loo#s even younger.
Comano sits beside her eating eggs%
as my father is at the stove oo#ing
and as#s me )hat I )ant to eat.
1'his is my daughter 8smeralda.
3our father has been nie enough to
let us stay here as )e have lost our
apartment to unforeseen
irumstanes.5
13eah% sure% hi.5
1'han#s Al for being so #ind to
me and my father. I hope I didn,t use
all the hot )ater before.5
1.o it )as 6ne% plenty of hot
)ater to go around.5
17hat is she tal#ing about+5
116
17hat are you tal#ing about Al+
1.othing% Dad.5
1Al too# the sho)er after me. I
felt so bad% I too# a long sho)er. I
haven,t been able to in suh a long
time.5
1'he Cross men are gentlemen.
Al% you,re a nie guy. 8smeralda% did
you than# Al for letting you have the
6rst sho)er+5
1I /ust did.5
1It,s really no big deal% I )asn,t
even a)are. I /ust ame out of my
room and she happened to be in
there.5
1Did you )al# in her on then+ Is
that )hat you,re saying+ 'he girl is
6fteen you #no). *he may loo# older
for her age% and you )ouldn,t be the
6rst man to ma#e this mista#e% but be
areful Al% no) that you #no)% I,ll be
)athing you% Al% /ust a #ind eye% as
any father has on any man
surrounding his daughter.5
1I,m not surrounding your
117
Patheti Pussy
daughter Comano. I,m going out to
6nd a /ob today.5
1I #no) a ontrator )ho ould
use some labour help. It,s 6fteen
dollars an hour ash. Daily )or#.5
1'hat,s o#ay Comano% I,m not
loo#ing to brea# my ne# to earn a
hundred bu#s a day.5
18ggs are almost ready son.5
1'hese are deliious *am% you
do a great /ob on these eggs.5
1I,ve got to go dat% I,ve got
shool in an hour.5
1:o ahead s)eetheart% have a
nie day.5
1I #no) you,re hurt son% but real
men they don,t /ust sit there all alone
)aiting for something to hangeJ5
14ye everyone% bye Al.5
1...real men% Al% that,s )hat I,m
saying. 3ou,ve got to gro) the fu# up
son. 3ou,re living under my roof no)%
you should have #no)n the meaning
118
of having people under your roof. Do
you even #no) )hat,s going on )ith
your family+ 3our )ife 8llen+ *he had
the baby% Al. A )ee# ago. 3our son
*imon% do you even tal# to him
anymore+ 3our family Al% you let it go%
you let it all go beause you,re a soft
motherfu#er. And it pains me to say
this in the home I raised in you in )ith
your mother% but it,s not my fault% and
it,s not hers. 7e did everything )e
ould for you Al% and you had
everything% but you )anted more% and
to get more% you thre) everything
a)ay. Can you even hear me+ Do you
even #no) )ho,s tal#ing to you+ I,m
your father Albert.5
3ou )ath the )ars of others
and thin# you an learn something.
It,s a history you are not a part of% it,s
someone else,s% yet I,m unable to
help but feeling I reated this mess
and I need to do something to lean it
up. I spend the morning )athing a
7orld 7ar II doumentary. <ld men in
suits give their testimony about ho)
they )on% and eah has a loo# in their
eyes of lifelessness for having paid
119
Patheti Pussy
the prie for vitory. It an,t be )orth
it if to 6ght and )in if you leave
yourself )ith nothing for after)ard.
7hat have these men seen that I
have not to thin# other)ise+ Pain has
no spiritual meaning. ItOs been easy
up to no). ItOs been far too easy.
8smeralda arrives home from
shool at three 6fteen% right after IOve
lost ount of the bottle ount of beer
I,ve been drin#ing sine everyone left
this morning% and IOm sitting on the
ouh )ith my gut pressing out of my
shirt. I should go to the gym. I should
6nd a /ob. I should do a lot of things%
but my only motivation right no) is
this 6fteen year old girl )ith oversi9ed
breasts and long )hite legs under a
dar# s#irt )hih is muh higher on her
thighs than it )as this morning )hen
she left for shool.
R7here are our fathers+R
R<ut buttfu#ing... IOm sorry. I
shouldn,t be tal#ing li#e that to you.
IOm really sorry% I donOt get out muh
anymore as you an see.R
RItOs o#ay.5
120
1Lh% ho) )as shool+5
1BineJ I mean% good.5
17hat grade are you in+,
1'en.5
1J5
13ou,re funny Al. Do I sare
you+5
RA little.R
RAm% I )onder )hy. 3ou )ant to
see something Al+ 7ant to see my
boobs+5
1.ot reallyJ5
13ou,re suh a bad liar.5
13ou seem pretty ertain for
your age. I #no) )omen little girl. IOm
sorry% I #no) )hat youOre trying to do
right no)% and itOs not going to )or#.R
R3ouOre so right. 4ut you did all
me little girl. 3ou #no)% I,m not so
little% and I,ve fu#ed men older than
you before. Plus% in some ultures itOs
o#ay for men to fu# girls as young as
121
Patheti Pussy
t)elve% and itOs not loo#ed do)n on.
ItOs more of a preferene thing% and
IOm onsenting you #no). IOm not a
stupid girl. IOve survived a lot of shit
)ith my dat.R
R7ell% you,ll survive this then
too.5
13eah% but )ill you+ 3ou loo# li#e
you ould use some human ontat.
'hat,s all I,m o0ering. It,s not li#e I
)ant to be your girlfriend or fall in
love )ith you. Ao) about a hand/ob+
I,m good at it.5
1*houldnOt you be out trying to
give hand/obs to boys your age+ 7hy
ome home and try to onvine a
middle aged )re# to statutorally
rape you+R
RI 6gured you )ere a man. I
guess not. As patheti as you are% I
still 6nd you ute. I feel sorry for you% I
)ant to help. I give good head too.5
1Come on% go to your room or
something.5
1Come )ith me+5
122
17hy do you #eep trying+5
13ou haven,t told me to stop
yet.5
1*top.5
13ou don,t mean in itJ5
12et,s hange the sub/et.
7here are you from+ 3our dad said
something about being from
*lova#ia.5
1'hat,s not )hat I,m here for Al.
I,m not here to tell you about my life.5
13our dad said he )as in
*lova#ia one. 7ere you born there+5
1.o% Italy. 7e,re gypsies% )e
moved around a lot.5
17here,s your mother+ If you
don,t mind me as#ing.5
1Dead. *he left us a long time
ago.5
1>y mother /ust died. 4ut I
guess it )ould be di0erent for you.
I,m a gro)n man.5
123
Patheti Pussy
1.o you,re not. 3ou don,t at li#e
one. And really% I don,t #no) )hy you
/ust don,t aept it. 7e,d be having a
lot of fun right no). 3ou an,t ontrol
me. It )ould be too a)#)ard for you
to get up and leave )ouldn,t it.5
17ell if you,re so sure of
yourself% ome over here.5
1I,m going to. I )ant to read
your palm. I an see ho) the planets
are hurting you right no)% ho)
everythingOs aligned. >y mother )as
a palm reader. *he passed it on to
me. 7ould you li#e me to read your
future+R
R'he seond you touh my
hands% I #no) itOs going to go bad.
'hereOs something about you IOm not
afraid to hide from.R
R3ou trust me Al% and thatOs o#ay.
7e,re the same age in our hearts. Kust
thin# of me as your sister. Come on
move over% this )ill help.R
R3ou #no) IOm open to all your
suggestions. 4ut this% /ust doesnOt feel
right. IOve got some)here to go.
124
*omething I have to do. *orry% maybe
some other time.5
13ou #no) )here to 6nd me...5
I,m ultimately relieved )hen I
)al# out the door. ItOs li#e an orgasm%
IOm a sperm being e/eted out of the
o9y on6nes of my ro)ded testile
house. Ao) ould a 6fteen year old
girl ma#e me feel that )ay+ IOve got to
get my shit together before I turn into
a really big fu#ing monster. 'hough%
onsent )as presentJ the age% does
it matter so muh+ *he had more
po)er over me than I did over her%
doesn,t that ma#e her the aggressor+
J 'hese -uestions might ma#e me
turn around. I better #eep )al#ing. A
big fu#ing monster. A big fu#ing
monster. 'hat,s )hat I am if I fu# her.
I turn aroundJ <ne I get inside the
house I,m already hard% and I,ve left
my body beause there,s no stopping
this animal inside. *he )ants it% she,ll
have it. I )al# around the house three
times loo#ing for her. 8very room is
unoupied. 8ven the room she sleeps
in seems strangely empty% untouhed.
Bu#.
125
Patheti Pussy
I )al# aross to)n to 8llen and
'onyOs ne) house. 'he suburb is still
under onstrution. Piles of debris and
neat olletions of ne) materials are
sattered e-ually through the street.
'he symmetry ma#es the land
attrative. It loo#s ne). 8llen must be
happy here. 'heir house is a
bro)nstone three"story triple& that
has the feel of a really rih middle"
lass home. 'ony must be doing )ell.
'here,s an Audi AN and a brand ne)
Keep par#ed in the drive)ay. I rub my
hands over my eyes ready to step up
to the door. 2ate afternoon sunlight
(i#ers o0 of the glass and seems to
be telling me I,ll need to step into ne)
light if I,m going to ma#e it through
that door. 7hat the fu# am I
thin#ing+ Christ. I stand there a fe)
minutes% no) deiding% /ust fu#ing
turn around. >y son% my )ife. 'hey
don,t #no) me no). 'he life behind
that door I am hiding from% and the
fragile )orld outside my hiding I,m
muh too disturbed to be a part of. .o
one is home Al% I tell myself. .o one is
home.
126
IOm my o)n thirty"t)o year old
alter ego% the man I am is against
everything I am% before )hat I )as%
this is the prie of hange% but not
self"imposed it feels li#e IOm being
robbed.
DadOs house is -uiet. I put out a
igarette against the bri# outside the
door frame and it leaves a bla# mar#
Dad )ill notie. I spit on my thumb
and try to srub it if o0 but it stays
stained bla#. I open the door and
step inside% into the shado)s% that
dar#ness I atually fear. *atani devil
metal musi is playing from
8smeraldaOs room% and I stand in front
of her door )anting to #no#% )anting
to do things to her )ith my
insigni6ant di# that )eOll both ome
to regret% and mostly her. I go to the
#ithen and pour old )ater on my
fae% my ne#. I rub some on my di#
and balls. I turn a)ay from the sin#
and stand there against the sharp
edges of the ounter% my ba# fat
s-uee9ing% strething my sides into a
strange shape. IOm out of form% IOve
lost my frame. 'he astle has fallen.
127
Patheti Pussy
>aybe this is a good thing beause I
an al)ays rebuild.
128
1.hey say you can2t chan#e'
that you ere 3orn this ay' that
this is ho you are your hole
life- that2s not true if you de6ne
yourself by ations% if you do it that
)ay% youOre al)ays hanging. 4y the
same to#en% itOs a good thing%
other)ise I )ould be onsidered a
rapist based on )hat I thin#
sometimes. 8ver gain ontrol of a
dream and reali9e you an do
anything+ 'hatOs )hat IOm tal#ing
about. I used to rape girls in my
dreams. 'hen one time% a girl I )as
raping turned into my mother% and the
most disgusting part )as I #ept going
any)ay /ust to see )hat it )ould be
li#e.R
RLm. 7ell% than#s for sharing
again Daniel. 'hat )as J very
revealing. Anyone else are to share+
Albert+ 3ouOve been -uiet again this
afternoon. 'his is your 6fth time here%
donOt you have anything to say+R
RI donOt thin# anyone an follo)
)hat Daniel /ust tal#ed about.R
R<#ay Albert% thatOs alright.
3ouOre o0 the hoo# again for today.
129
Patheti Pussy
4ut% the point of se& addition
rehabilitation is not /ust to listen% but
to tal#% )hen youOre ready of ourse.
7eOre all in this 6ght together% to
learn% to learn to respet one
another.R
R<h IOve got plenty of respet.
8very single )oman I,ve ever slept
)ith )as onsenting and )anting. I
never did anything )rong. IOm not li#e
these people% no o0ense. IOm not a
se& o0ender% I /ust li#e to have se&. I
donOt fantasi9e of raping. I /ust li#e
nie% natural onsensual se&ual
ativities. 'his is )ho I am. >y name
is Albert Cross.R
R'han# you Albert. 3ou #no)%
this is a safe plae for se& addits.
'rust me% it feels good% ome out and
say it. 7hen you,re ready. I don,t )ant
to fore you to share your
e&perienes. 3ou )on,t be /udged. All
of us here are addits or )ere one
time addits.5
1I,m not going to stop having
se&.5
1'hat,s not )hat this is for.
130
7e,re trying to learn ho) to have
healthy se&ual desires and drives. Is
there anything partiular about your
se&ual desires that are overpo)ering%
for e&ample% t)isting+ >e. I )as
)hat,s alled a u#old. I li#ed to
)ath my )ife have se& )ith other
men. 8ventually% she did end up
leaving me. I started to drin#% do
drugs. I beame a )re#. I almost
#illed myself beause I felt so lo).
'here )as a big hole in my lifeJ
something )as missing. 'hen I sa)
the light. I )as an addit% and the 6rst
thing I )as ever addited to before
the drugs and the drin#ing% )as se&. I
saved my o)n life. 3ou an do the
same Albert% that,s all I,m saying. 'he
pain you,re in right no)% no matter
ho) muh you try to deny it Albert%
youOre in severe pain% and you need
help.R
It )ould seem ounterprodutive
to put t)enty se& addits in the same
room together. 'hey should really
rethin# this group therapy shit for se&
addits. A three)ay in the bathroom%
t)o"guy"one"girl% and the other guy is
131
Patheti Pussy
Daniel% and )hen he omes he yells
mommy% and I donOt end up oming at
all.
R*o )hatOs the point of se&
therapy% are you supposed to li#e% see
ho) long you an go )ithout having
se&+R
RItOs more ompliated than that%
itOs more li#e% you have to see ho)
long you an go )ithout thin#ing
about se&% )ithout assoiating
everything to it% espeially other
people.R
R*o )hat are you thin#ing about
right no) Al+R
R*e&.R
RI #ne) it. Do you still )ant to
fu# me+R
R.o 8smeralda% I donOt.5
RI,m only #idding. I an see
you,re lying any)ay. 7ant is a very
obvious thing.R
13ou should be out loo#ing for
132
something better for yourself. 3ou
should leave me alone. I,m going to
tell your dad all about this soon.5
1Ae,d #ill you. Ae,d thin# you
)ere trying to rape me.5
1Aave you been before+5
RI )as #idnapped )hen I )as
seven% and I )as almost raped% but I
got a)ay.R
1'hat,s sary. I,m sorry that
happened to you.5
17hy are you sorry+5
1I don,t #no)J I /ust feel bad.5
13ou shouldn,t% you didn,t do it
to me% so )hy should you feel bad+5
1It must have been terrifying% to
be helpless li#e that. I an see no)
)hy you li#e to be in ontrol all the
time.5
1.o) )ho,s mindfu#ing )ho+5
18&atly. I,m thirty"t)o. 3ou,re
6fteen. I,m t)ie as old as you and
133
Patheti Pussy
more% and here I am tal#ing to you
about these really deep life things.5
1I an see right through you.5
1It,s li#e tal#ing to myself.5
R3ouOre right% but donOt )orry% I
donOt mind all this tal#ing. 3ouOre
ti#ling me in a )ay no man ever has
before.R
RItOs gotta stop.R
R3ouOve said that so many
times.R
RI #no)% but I mean it this time.R
R3ouOve said that too. 3ouOre
afraid of on(it Al. 3ou anOt deal
)ith it% so you put it on everyone else.
3ou li#e me. It,s 6ne. 'he se&ual
feelings% you,ll move past if that,s
)hat you )ant. Aere% give me your
hand. I )ant to read your palm.R
1I don,t really believe that shit.R
R3eah% )ell I do% and it )ill help
me #no) you better. And% you )ill
probably learn something. 'his isnOt
134
bullshit. It )or#s.R
RI guess itOs )orth a shot. 2etOs
see )hat you got% 8smeralda is a very
psyhihy name.R
R<pen your palms. IOm going to
hold your )rists li#e this see. <h% did I
give you goose"bumps+R
RKust read them% go ahead.R
R<#ay% )ell 6rst of all% you have
really boyish hands. ItOs a sign of
longevity. And longevity doesnOt say
anything about happy or sad life. ItOs
/ust% long life. *o let me loo# loser.
I,m partiularly interested in your
6nger of *aturnJ5
17hat the fu# is that+5
13ou,re middle 6nger. It )ill tell
me ho) you feel about death% and if
you,re disiplined.5
13ou already #no) that I,m not.5
13ou,re a heater Al. 3ou have a
long pin#y. 3ou lie a lot don,t you+
3our middle 6nger is strong. 3ou feel
responsible for too many things I bet%
135
Patheti Pussy
and it,s )hy you,re so depressed% and
)hy you lie so muh. 3ou hold on too
tightly. Don,t be guilty that you )ant
to let go.5
13ou #no) it doesn,t even feel
li#e you,re here. It feels li#e you,re
/ust (oating in front of me.5
1I ould be a 6gment of your
imagination.5
1>aybe you are.5
I meet 8llen at the outdoor food
ourt to sign the divore papers. I,ve
gotten a hairut% and ne) lothes%
bought for me by Dad )hose sta#s of
ash ontinue to limb% and to
ongratulate me on my ne) /ob as
night manager of the Country :roer.
I ome to the table )here 8llen is
sitting% and she loo#s gorgeous and I
tell her so% and she tells me that I loo#
fat.
1Come on% you haven,t spo#en
to me in a year and that,s the 6rst
thing you say+5
136
7e tal#. I don,t appear hurt in
any )ay by being )ith her% I,m strong
in the fae of her ausations% and
ho) she /usti6es leaving me% but
she,s not telling me beause she
ares% but beause she doesn,t )ant
to hear )hat I have to say% and she
defends every possible denuniation I
may have had against her% and it
)or#s% and I sit silently nodding my
head% and I sign the papers.
17e have to deide )hat )e,re
doing )ith *imon%5 I say one it,s time
to leave.
1I thin# that,s already lear. Ae
needs a family.5
1I have to see him.5
1I #no). *oon. 7e,ll get through
this and 6gure it out.5
13ou still love me% don,t you+5
1I hate you Al% for )hat you,ve
done to us.5
14ut it,s beause you love me.5
13es. 3ou,re right.5
137
Patheti Pussy
I put my hand on her shoulder
as I begin to )al# a)ay% a move I
)ould have made a long time ago%
bold% )ithout guarantee of e0et. I
don,t #no) ho) she )ill reat% but she
doesn,t seem to mind. *he puts her
hand on top of mine and s-uee9es it.
17e should fu# one last time%5 I say%
and she lets go.
138
playin# 3y the rules ill only
ta$e you as far as the 4in# lets
you #o
It seems the reason most people
)or# the night shift at the Country
:roer is so they an do drugs at
)or#.
I start my shift tonight% standing
in the o;e )ith Kim% the evening shift
manager% and )e ma#e small tal#
about the )eather% and about ho)
muh he,s going to drin# tonight
)hen he gets home. Kim is married%
and he #no)s I,m divored and seems
to admire me for it.
1'here,s a fe) divorees that
)or# here. Kessia+ *he,s on your
night sta0% she,s divored. 3ou should
tal# to her.5
I tell Kim that I one #ne) a
stripper named Ke&&&ia% 1)ith three
&,s5% and it seems to free9e him. Ae
-uietly pa#s a #napsa# he arries
)ith him% li#e he,s still a #id in shool%
he 6nishes pa#ing and hangs it o0
139
Patheti Pussy
one shoulder and he loo#s li#e a hild
)or#ing an aftershool /ob in his
bro)n pants and light grey anvas
Country :roer shirtH I reali9e I,m
)earing the same thing.
1Aave a good night Al.5
I ta#e a )al# around the store%
trying to spread some form of a
presene% authority% but everyone
#no)s I don,t are )hat they do.
:abore is a bla# Afrian from *udan
)ho used to be in a tribe% alled the
.uer% and )as a hild soldier. 'he
sars on his fae% mar#ings% si& lines
aross his forehead% and dots around
his mouth indiate his permanent
membership even though he has
esaped that life and lives here no)
as a sto#"boy slash drug dealer. 'he
only reason I #no) this about :abore
is beause he,s my drug dealer% and
he got me this /ob% a /ob he assured
me )ould be easy and )e ould do
high% that you atually have to do
high in order to en/oy.
'he musi playing from the
unreahable spea#ers hidden in the
struture of beams up above% the
140
lights% the produe% the night% ma#e
me feel empty. Drugs give you
something% something that right then
and there you an,t have. It,s an
illusion% I #no)% but the night is full of
dreams% and that )hore of a moon )ill
tri# you into believing they are real%
that all an be had% that you an live
forever. It,s li#e your mother% trying to
protet you from pain% )hen she
#no)s the pains of birth 6rsthand% or
6rstvagina. I tell this to :abore as )e
smo#e a /oint in his ar% and he,s
laughing at me% not ta#ing my tal#
seriously% but as it should be ta#en% as
on/eture% and fany )ords meant to
hide my re/etion of unertainty% as a
plae for me to hide my depression in
a loud of smo#e. After a )hile% he
tells me% 1*top being so guilty% stop
blaming yourself for the problems of
humans. 3ou,re not a beggar Al%
you,re a better man% you deserve
more than )hat you got. Don,t beg for
forgiveness. .o one )ill give it to you%
they )on,t give you the freedom. 'he
only freedom they have to give is
their o)n% so )hy )ould they give it
to you+ It,s theirsP 7hy give you
something for free that is )orth so
141
Patheti Pussy
muh+ 3ou have to be more
responsible )ith your freedom. I had
none as a hild% no)% I have freedom.
I,ve #illed people Al% you #no). 4a#
home% I #illed men% )omen% hildren. I
shot them Al. I #no) the )orld )on,t
forgive a man li#e me. .ever. .o. 4ut
ho) do I go on+ I must. 7hat did you
do Al+ 7hat did you do to the )orld to
be this ashamed+5
1I heated on my )ife. I lost my
/ob. I lost my house% my ar. I an,t
tal# to my son anymore. I an barely
loo# at him no).5
1All of those things are
replaeable% e&ept for your son. 8ven
the )ife an be replaed.5
'he /oint burns out% and after
another% )e step out into the par#ing
lot alongside louds of sil#y smog that
asend into s-uare (uoresene of
street lamps% and beyond the starling
darling of man,s arti6ial glass"bo&
enased light% to)ards that spiraling
endless night )hih only e&ists for
half the )orld% half the time and )ill
eventually disappear and ome to
end.
142
Inside the Country :roer I
beome nervous e&posed by the
)hite light.
Around midnight a group of #ids
omes into the store and ma#es a lot
of noise. 'hey buy hips and andy%
ie ream. 'hey spray )hipped ream
at eah other% and blo) up a bottle of
pop% leaving a mil#y puddle of sugar
in their )a#e. I yell at them and they
leave.
If all evil ats )ere
premeditated there )ould be muh
less badness. *plit seond hoies%
our unpreparedness% reate
irumstanes )here evil an thrive%
and good is a surprise. 7hat,s the
good hoie here+ Kessia is mopping
the mess in front of her ash% and I,m
helping her lean it up. I ould easily
stri#e up a onversation )ith her% get
to #no) her heart% and sho) her some
of mine% then the rest )ould follo).
7e )ould eventually fu#% and maybe
end up falling in love beause of it.
I,ve ome to reali9e that all )omen
have a vagina% even your mother.
143
Patheti Pussy
>other 'heresa must have stu# a
6nger in at least one /ust to get to
#no) herself and the glory of :od.
144
145
Patheti Pussy
%B5/. .(6 %/.(57
*tephen Demone is a storyteller. 3ou should
not believe a )ord he says.
SsTdemone10 on ')itter
))).shopimagination.om
146

Похожие интересы