Thrust Theatre Company and Theatre In Me present

By Bruce Adams & Matt Fowler

December 2009

PROPERTY OF THRUST THEATRE COMPANY & THEATRE IN ME

© THRUST THEATRE COMPANY 2009

Winter Season 2009
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Aladdin

by Bruce Adams & Matt Fowler

Aladdin – a down-and-out; our hero. Empress of China – China’s diva

monarch; announced that she will
Princess Ping-Pong – daughter of the abdicate as soon as her daughter is
Empress of China. married.

Abanaza – Royal Vizier to the empress;
wants to marry the princess to become
emperor.
Widow Twankey – Aladdin’s mother;
flamboyant proprietor of a launderette.
Wishy and Washy – Aladdin’s brothers.
Slave of the Ring – A magical spirit
enslaved in a ring.
Genie of the Lamp – A slightly more
powerful spirit…enslaved in a lamp.
Captain of the Guards – The equivalent
of a police chief.

Mikado – Abanaza’s stooge; falls in love

with Wishy. Or Washy.

ACT I

ABANAZA’S LAIR

Enter ABANAZA with MIKADO with smoke FX, to booing and funeral music.

Abanaza Good evening, boys and girls and things

Allow me now to set the scene
Our story starts in old Peking
With fellows good and strange and mean.
I am Abanaza, and I’ll have the power –

ABANAZA is interrupted by ‘The Power’, accompanied by dazzling lights. In

irritation he produces a “bomb” and launches it into the wings.

Explosion, silence.

That’s better. Where were we?

I am Abanaza, and I’ll have the power

By the time we’ve told our tale
And I’ll control you motley shower
Believe you me, I will not fail.
Aladdin is your hero –

Another interruption – ‘I Need A Hero’. ABANAZA clicks, MIKADO exits SL,

returns a moment later dragging a technician by his ear, off SR. Screaming is
heard from the wing.
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He clears his throat.

Aladdin is your hero now

But by the end he’ll be no more
Because he’ll steal what’s rightfully mine:
The princess; stupid fu-

MIKADO (who has re-entered) hastily interrupts with a bad rhyme:

Mikado Ducking…floor?

ABANAZA shoots her a look of poison then continues.

Abanaza The empress, with her stylish flair

Will leave her title and her gold –

Final interruption: ‘Gold’. ABANAZA roars in anger, sends MIKADO offstage.

She drags on the technician, screen, vacuum cleaner and extension cord.

Hoovering and screaming is heard, leaving nothing but a pair of shoes.

Will leave her title and her gold

To he who weds the princess fair
To lead a life of wealth untold.
And all of that, it shall be mine:
No pauper will stand in my way
For in this tale as old as time
The villain, he shall have his day.
But for now I am a busy man,
I must get busy with my plan
To gain control of all Peking
So now our story must begin.

Evil laugh, exit to booing.

MARKETPLACE IN PEKING

Sunrise over Peking. People are going about their business.

ALADDIN enters and sings ‘We Are Golden’ with ENSEMBLE.

Aladdin Hello boys and girls!

Audience response.

I’m Aladdin, who are you?

Response?
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Not all at once (then).

WISHY and WASHY enter.

Wishy/Washy Yo, bro!

Aladdin What are you two doing here? Mum told you to stay in.
Aren’t you meant to be helping in the laundry?

Wishy/Washy That’s boring!

Washy Anyway, Mum let us off when she found her vodka…

Wishy When we planted her vodka, you mean.

Washy She’s having a good soak as we speak.

Wishy Pickled Mum!

They giggle.

Aladdin But remember –

He turns to the audience, lights dim, spotlight on ALADDIN.

- We here in Peking advocate responsible

drinking. Don’t drink and ride.

A panto horse crosses SR to SL: its rider carries a cardboard cut-out reading
“bOOZE”. Lights back up.

WASHY notices the audience.

Washy Hey, Aladdin, who’s that lot?

Aladdin My new friends.

Wishy Friends?

Washy Aladdin doesn’t have friends.

Aladdin I do now, don’t I boys and girls?

Audience response.

Wishy Can we be their friends too?

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Aladdin I don’t know, you’ll have to ask them.

Washy Can we be your friends?

Audience response.

Wishy I’m Wishy, Aladdin’s coolest brother.

Washy And I’m Washy, Aladdin’s better-looking brother.

Wishy We’re twins, how can you be better looking?

Aladdin (to WASHY) Have you dyed your hair?

Washy What makes you say that?

Aladdin It just…looks like it’s dyed.

Wishy Slowly and painfully.

WISHY and WASHY start bickering, ALADDIN separates them by their ears.

Wishy/Washy Ow…ow…ow…

Aladdin Cut it out, you two.

Wishy That’s what I told him!

WISHY donks WASHY on the top of the head, they lunge for each other.

Aladdin Don’t make me send you back to Mum. She won’t be

happy if you interrupt her vodka session.

Wishy It’s not so much a session –

Washy - as a way of life.

Aladdin I’ll tell her you said that.

Washy We’re not bothered.

Wishy She’ll never remember.

Offstage a gong is heard. The TOWNSPEOPLE begin to clear.

Washy We’d better go, Aladdin.

Wishy That means the princess is coming to do her shopping.

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Aladdin Nah, I’m going to hide.

Wishy Are you mad? You know no-one is allowed to see

Princess Ping-Pong’s face.

Aladdin For all we know she could be my dream woman. We

could fall in love and live happily ever after.

Washy Come off it, Aladdin.

Wishy Have you been at Mum’s vodka?

Washy Mum’s got more chance of finding her iron than you have
of getting with the princess.

Aladdin What are you talking about? Mum never lets it out of her
sight, it’s always in the same place.

Wishy/Washy Not now it’s not!

The gong sounds again, they look panicked.

Wishy We’re going to go. On your head be it.

Washy Literally. You know what happens to people who get

caught.

They both draw their fingers across their necks.

Wishy/Washy Later, boys and girls, keep an eye on him for us.

Exit WISHY and WASHY, leaving ALADDIN in a deserted market.

Enter GUARDS.

Captain Oi, Aladdin. I don’t want no trouble from you.

Aladdin (innocent) Trouble, sir? I’m not going to give you any
trouble.

Captain A likely story.

Aladdin I thought so, too.

Captain (slow) Wha – hey. Less of your cheek.

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Aladdin I was born with these cheeks. (he begins to count

them). One…two…(turns around)…three…

Captain I’m warning you!

Aladdin OK, OK, fine, I was just leaving. Some people just can’t
be the butt of a joke.

The CAPTAIN raises his hand – ALADDIN scarpers, hiding behind a market
stall. The audience sees this, the GUARDS do not. ALADDIN gestures at the
audience to keep his secret.

PRINCESS PING-PONG enters, wearing a veil.

Princess You are excused.

The GUARDS exit. She removes her veil and begins to look around the stalls.
As she comes to the stall that ALADDIN is hiding behind, he moves to
another. The PRINCESS doesn’t notice.

This happens again. She starts.

Who’s there?

It happens again. ALADDIN sneezes.

Who’s there, I say?

Aladdin No-one!

Princess Oh, that’s alright – wait…

Aladdin Damn.

Princess Come out.

ALADDIN sheepishly emerges.

Do you know that it is a crime to look upon my face?

Aladdin If you ask me, it would be a crime not to.

Princess I – what?

Aladdin It seems like a bit of a waste to hide it away behind that

veil.
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Princess (taken aback) That’s…very nice of you. Do you know

who I am?

Aladdin Everybody knows who you are. I’m not an idiot.

Princess Questionable. You know I could have your head.

Aladdin I know.

Princess You’d risk your head for a glimpse of my face.

Aladdin The smallest glimpse, yes.

Beat. The PRINCESS thinks.

Princess That’s very sweet. No-one’s ever spoken to me like that

before.

Aladdin Has anyone ever spoken to you before?

Princess Servants, my mother…

Aladdin Friends?

Princess No. I don’t have friends.

Aladdin Do you want one now? That is…if you don’t want my
head instead?

A very awkward comedy bow. He stays low, looking up to see what the
PRINCESS does. Eventually, the PRINCESS responds with a very slight bow.

Princess My mother would never approve. The empress.

Aladdin What makes you say that?

Princess She only likes money. Once I’m married, she will make
my new husband the emperor of all of China. But she
only lets me mix with rich, powerful men. And they’re all
such wa-

MIKADO runs on from the wings, clasps her hand around the PRINCESS’
mouth and cries:

Mikado - bankers!

Exit MIKADO. Long, stunned silence. After a while:

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Princess ...What just happened?

ALADDIN turns to the audience again in spotlight.

Aladdin We in Peking advocate a pleasant attitude towards each

other at all times. So remember – it’s never right to be
saying –

MIKADO enters again with a bottle of Sprite, same routine.

Mikado - Sprite!

Lights back up. Another long silence.

Princess …Seriously. What just happened?

Aladdin Government censorship. It’s a bitch.

MIKADO shouts from the wings, running onto the stage out of breath.

Mikado Hitch!

Aladdin Too late.

MIKADO exits. ALADDIN turns back to the PRINCESS.

So you’ve only ever mixed with rich and famous princes?

Princess Yes. Mum has to see their bank statement before they
can even get through the door.

Aladdin So I’d have no chance, then.

Princess Not unless you’ve applied for ‘Who Wants To Be A

Millionaire’.

Aladdin I have, but it’s 50/50 that I’ll get on.

“Fail” sound effect.

That wasn’t so bad! Shall I ask the audience?

Princess (shaking her head) I’m not going to give you that.

Very long pause while the joke sinks in. “Fail” sound effect.

You can’t do that to me, I’m royalty.

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Aladdin Who are you complaining to? You’ll have to phone a

friend…

Princess Well isn’t that the million pound question.

Blackout on the “fail” sound effect.

WIDOW TWANKEY’S LAUNDRY

Lights up. WIDOW TWANKEY, WISHY, WASHY and their assistants

(ENSEMBLE) sing ‘9 To 5’.

Widow Twankey Hello boys and girls!

Audience response.

I’m Widow Twankey. What are you doing in my laundry,

are you the new assistants? Because this lot are rubbish.

Wishy No, Mum.

Washy These are our friends.

Widow Twankey Friends? These are your friends? (to audience) You
should be more careful about the company you keep.
They’ll have you playing all sorts of tricks on me. Would
you play tricks on old Widow Twankey? Well would you?

Audience response.

Deary me you’re very quiet.

Wishy Maybe it’s just old Widow Twankey’s hearing aid going.

WIDOW TWANKEY bonks both her sons with her iron.

Widow Twankey Any more of that and I’ll ship you off to the palace to
clean the Empress’ feet.

Washy (rubbing his head) I told you we shouldn’t have given her
iron back.

Wishy But she was going all red-faced and googly-eyed.

Widow Twankey That was just the vodka, dear.

Wishy/Washy Oh.
 11

Widow Twankey (to audience) Now, I can’t be doing with a quiet gaggle in
my laundry. It’s always party party party. Would some
sweets liven you up? Yes? I thought they might.

WIDOW TWANKEY produces a bag of sweets from her bosom.

Washy Brings a whole new meaning to “bon-bons”…

Widow Twankey Now, I’m not sure I have enough for everyone. Should I
give them to this side (SR)…or this side (SL)? Speak up!

WIDOW TWANKEY eggs them on, rewarding the loudest side with sweets but
eventually throwing them to everyone.

Now you’re listening (shoots a glare), I suppose it would

be rude not to tell you a bit about myself. And heaven
knows I do like talking about myself.

Wishy/Washy Don’t we know it.

For each “furniture gag”, an advert from Ikea appears on the cyc.

Widow Twankey Quiet, you two, or I’ll have you folding Baron Ikea’s
pyjama bottoms. They’re quite large, he’s a very tall boy.
And a smart dresser. You don’t want to be going near
his drawers though, or he’ll –

Washy Mum, we can only take this joke sofa (“so far”)…

“Fail” sound effect.

Wishy Hearing that sound so many times in two scenes is surely

the sign of a bad pantomime.

“Fail” sound effect.

What? That wasn’t even a jo-

“Fail” sound effect.

Bu-

“Fail” sound effect.

Fine. I’ll go fold the underwear.

Exit WISHY to the sound effect.

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Widow Twankey As I was saying, my name is Widow Twankey. I am a

widow, but heaven knows who my husband was. I’ve
been running this laundry practically single-handedly –

Washy Yes. One hand for the laundry, the other for a bottle.

WIDOW TWANKEY bonks WASHY with the iron.

I’ve had enough of this, I’m going to help Wishy. It’s a

two-person job anyway.

Widow Twankey Finally, he’s clocked on. (beat) Oh dear, I thought we’d
put this joke to bed.

Exit WASHY.

Really, these interruptions must stop. As I was saying,

this laundry has been my sole attention since my
husband died. Over the years I’ve got really quite good
at it all. In fact, you might say I’m a bit of a scrubber.

Assistant You don’t have to tell us.

WIDOW TWANKEY raises her iron as if to strike, pauses, looks at the iron,
sighs:

Widow Twankey I’ve run out of steam.

Enter ALADDIN.

Aladdin Mum, Mum!

Widow Twankey Where have you been, you festering waste of mother’s
milk?

Aladdin Steady on, Mum.

Widow Twankey Sorry. Hot flush. (fans herself)

Aladdin Not so few and far between any more, are they?

Widow Twankey You be quiet, it’s just the tumble driers.

Aladdin I thought it was all the water making your hands wrinkly.

Widow Twankey That too.

Aladdin Have you been washing socks with your face then?
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Widow Twankey Has your mum been washing socks with her face?

Aladdin (beat) You are my mum. That’s an awful joke.

Widow Twankey I know, I’ll iron it out later. Anyway, what are you so
excited about?

Aladdin I’ve met someone – a girl!

Widow Twankey A girl? You?

Aladdin You don’t have to be so surprised.

Widow Twankey Will the miracles never cease?

Aladdin What other miracles have happened?

Widow Twankey Well, John and Edward kept getting through on ‘The X
Factor’…

Aladdin Still, I’ve met girls before.

Widow Twankey And look how they all turned out.

Aladdin What do you mean?

Widow Twankey Well, there was that girl you bought flowers –

Aladdin - Beautiful, they

were.

Widow Twankey So was she until you found out she was allergic. Came
out all red and blotchy. Looked like a new year’s dragon
by the time you were finished with her.

Aladdin That was just the one –

Widow Twankey - And that one you pushed in the

lake.

Aladdin She said she had a sense of humour!

Widow Twankey She couldn’t swim!

Aladdin Fine, just the two –

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Widow Twankey - And that one you found out loved

dogs.

Aladdin She did!

Widow Twankey Yes, but not in a stir fry! It was a pet, she wasn’t
farming it!

Aladdin OK, OK! Just those three –

Widow Twankey - And… -

Aladdin - Mum, drop it!

Widow Twankey Fine. So what’s this one? Love fireworks, does she?
Gonna attach her to a rocket?

Aladdin It’s the princess.

Widow Twankey The – who?

Aladdin Princess Ping-Pong.

Widow Twankey The real one?

Aladdin No, Mum, the ceramic one.

Widow Twankey How did you meet the princess? Do you know what
happens to men who look at the princess?

Aladdin I had an inkling, yes. Something about heads…

Widow Twankey Yes, something about heads. Heads leaving bodies.

How can a headless body fold laundry?

Aladdin A legless one does quite well, Mum…

Widow Twankey This isn’t a joke!

Aladdin It sounded like one.

Widow Twankey Did you get caught?

Aladdin Not…caught, exactly.

Widow Twankey Were you seen?

Aladdin The princess saw me, yes.

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Widow Twankey Oh god. I’m going to have a headless son….

ALADDIN can’t get a word in edgeways.

Aladdin Calm down, Mum…

Widow Twankey I’m only going to have three-quarters of a son…

Aladdin Mum, really…

Widow Twankey God, I’m going to have a dead son to try to remember as
well as a dead husband!

Aladdin Mum!

Widow Twankey (wails) I need to change my Tena Lady!

Long, shocked silence.

Aladdin (in order to break the silence) That reminds me…can I

borrow a tenner?

Widow Twankey What on earth for?

Aladdin To see the princess.

Widow Twankey What’s the tenner going to pay for, a false moustache?
What are you going to do when you get to the door?

Aladdin I dunno…act…rich?

Widow Twankey Are you mad? The Empress won’t let anyone in there
without flashing their platinum card. I’ll have to come
with you.

Aladdin What good will that do? Are you going to intoxicate them
into not noticing?

Widow Twankey No, you noxious flow of sewage, the Empress and I go
way back.

Aladdin You…what?

Widow Twankey We went to charm school together.

Aladdin I suppose you dropped out of that quicker than you can
say Shanghai.
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Widow Twankey I don’t have to help you, you know.

Aladdin I’m sorry, I’m sorry.

Widow Twankey I’m sure you are. Just give me a minute, I’ll put on my
best dress.

Aladdin You mean a clean one?

WIDOW TWANKEY bonks ALADDIN with her iron. Blackout.

THE IMPERIAL PALACE

The EMPRESS OF CHINA is pacing, ABANAZA is sat in a corner. The

PRINCESS is checking the mirror, nibbling Mikado biscuits.

Empress Where were you all morning, Ping-Pong?

Princess I was in the marketplace, mother.

Empress All morning?

Princess Yes.

Empress I do hate that you spend so much time there. Can’t you
send a servant? (Gestures) Abanaza would go.

Abanaza (dry) Undoubtedly, your majesty.

Princess Looking glamorous takes time, mother. I learned from

the best.

Empress (vain) Yes, I suppose you did. What do you think of my

new handbag, Abanaza?

Abanaza It looks like Wang, your majesty.

Empress I beg your pardon?

Abanaza Vera Wang.

Empress Certainly not. I imported it from Italy. Gucky.

Abanaza I think you’ll find that’s pronounced Gucci, madam…

Princess It certainly looks Gucky.

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Empress What’s the matter with you today? You’ve paid me

nowhere near as many compliments as you usually do.

Princess Sometimes, mother, there just aren’t words.

Empress Well you should think a bit harder. (to ABANAZA) Has
Mikado done that photocopying I needed?

Abanaza I think she’s still struggling through it, madam.

Empress Good grief, that woman really takes the biscuit

sometimes.

As the EMPRESS speaks, the PRINCESS offers a biscuit.

Abanaza (yelling) Mikado!

Enter MIKADO, hurriedly, dropping flyers.

I gave you all that to do hours ago.

Mikado Sorry, Abanaza, I couldn’t reach the paper.

Abanaza You what?

Mikado I had to climb right on top of the photocopier!

Princess (aside) Have you got the gag yet? Or should we keep
trying? (picks up a flyer) What is all this anyway?
“Wanted, rich princes – no uglies”. Oh, mother…

Empress Well, Ping-Pong, at this rate you’ll never be married. I’ll

have to leave the kingdom to Abanaza.

Abanaza (with edge) That would be deadly sad.

Empress How about that Gok Wan? Jeans like that, he must have
some dosh.

Princess He wanted to see my knickers on the first date!

Empress And he asked me if I look good naked.

Princess What did you say?

Empress Find out for yourself, the show’s on Tuesday.

Abanaza I’m sure the ratings will rocket, madam.

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Empress You almost sounded like you didn’t mean that.

Abanaza Oh. Did I not?

A gong is heard offstage.

Someone at the door. Mikado, get that.

MIKADO hurries off.

Princess Abanaza, you are cruel to her.

Abanaza Knowing one’s place is crucial to day-to-day existence.

You would do well to remember that.

Empress As would you, Abanaza. You are my vizier, you are here
to advise me as my servant. If I wanted cheek I would
have had Gok stay the night.

“Fail” sound effect.

Princess Oh. Is that back?

Enter MIKADO with WIDOW TWANKEY and ALADDIN.

Mikado The widow Twankey and her son Aladdin, your majesty.

Empress Twankey, you old scrubber!

Widow Twankey Audrey, you money-grabbing old hussy!

Empress Hey, less of that. (beat) My name isn’t Audrey anymore.

Widow Twankey Just “money-grabbing old hussy”?

Empress Much better.

They embrace.

What brings you here? You and your…

She notices ALADDIN with great disapproval.

…son.

Widow Twankey Well actually, I was wondering if we could talk in private.

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Empress In private?

WIDOW TWANKEY and the EMPRESS OF CHINA move into a corner and
whisper inaudibly, with large gestures.

PRINCESS PING-PONG takes ALADDIN by the arm.

Princess Aladdin, what are you doing here? And…is that your
mother?

Aladdin Quite a sight, isn’t she?

Princess She knows my mother?

Aladdin Looks like it.

The EMPRESS OF CHINA and WIDOW TWANKEY let out a piercing laugh.

Princess What are you expecting to come of this?

Their conversation is broken by the EMPRESS OF CHINA shouting.

Empress What?! My daughter and your…(suppresses an insult)

son?

Princess Oh no…

Widow Twankey What exactly is wrong with my Aladdin?

Aladdin This isn’t going to be pretty.

Widow Twankey Maybe you should watch what you’re saying.

WIDOW TWANKEY swings her handbag, brushing the EMPRESS’.

Empress That’s Gucky!

Abanaza Gucci!

Widow Twankey Looks like a stuffed rat.

Empress You didn’t!

Hits her back.

Abanaza, get my fighting handbag, this could get ugly.

Abanaza Yes, madam.

 20

ABANAZA exits.

WIDOW TWANKEY and the EMPRESS OF CHINA continue their bitch fight,
inaudibly and hysterically.

Princess (to ALADDIN) We should get out of here, come on.

She takes ALADDIN by the arm and leads him off. The bitch fight continues
into a blackout.

THE IMPERIAL GARDENS

Princess Oh I wish our mothers didn’t have to argue so much.

Aladdin By my mother’s standards, that was a mild disagreement.

Princess I suppose my mother hasn’t ordered an execution yet.

She could be using your mum as a rug by now.

Awkward pause. PRINCESS PING-PONG breaks the silence.

You’re mad, you are.

Aladdin Why?

Princess Coming here, thinking you could persuade my mother.

Aladdin That’s what I thought my mother could do. Her

persuasion could start a civil war.

Princess Don’t be silly, that doesn’t happen until 1927.

PRINCESS PING-PONG turns to the audience in spotlight.

Here in Peking, we take a light-hearted approach to

education. Facts, dates and statistics make for a better,
happier life.

She turns back. ALADDIN looks hurt.

Aladdin You stole my gag.

Princess I did it better.

Aladdin Oh no you didn’t.

 21

Princess Oh yes I did. Anyway, do you think they’ve finished

killing each other yet?

Aladdin Wait a minute…shouldn’t we be milking the “Oh no you

didn’t” line for all it’s worth?

Princess (checking her script) Nah, we’ll do it after the interval

when they’re full of ice cream.

Aladdin Good plan.

He turns to the audience.

She’s so beautiful, isn’t she?

Audience response.

Should I tell her how I feel?

Audience response.

Thanks a lot. We have to be out of the theatre by half

ten, I’m going to go for it. (to PRINCESS) Princess, I
have something to tell you –

Princess (fingers in ears) - No no no, la la la, I’m not

listening – I haven’t watched ‘The X Factor’ final yet, it’s
still on Sky+.

Aladdin No, it’s not that!

Princess Or ‘Strictly’!

Aladdin Is this why you don’t have any friends?

Princess Hey. So what is it you want to tell me?

Aladdin I think I… (clears throat) …I…erm…

He searches the garden for inspiration.

This flower – like you…it’s…it’s beautiful, but…but one

day it’ll die and erm…no, no that’s not right…

Searches again, rambling.

 22

The sky…the sky’s blue and sometimes it’s clear and

sometimes there are clouds, and the clouds…they’re big
and they’re fluffy and –

Princess - Are you trying to say I’m fat?

Aladdin No! No no no.

Princess Then what on earth are you talking about?

Aladdin I love you.

Beat.

Princess What?

Aladdin I’m in love with you.

Princess Oh, Aladdin, I don’t know what to say…

Aladdin Say you feel the same!

Princess But…my mother…you know what she’s like!

Aladdin If money’s all that matters, I’ll bring you…I’ll bring you all
the tea in China!

Princess How on earth could you afford that?

Aladdin I’ll find a way! I’ll bring you gold and diamonds and a
Gucky wallet –

Princess - Gucci… -

Aladdin - Whatever, I’ll do it for you. You

have to believe me.

PRINCESS PING-PONG thinks. Then at last she says:

Princess I do believe you.

They sing ‘I Believe In You’, backed by ENSEMBLE. Blackout.

WIDOW TWANKEY’S LAUNDRY

The laundry is empty. ABANAZA and MIKADO enter in disguise.

Abanaza Are they back yet? Mikado, check.

 23

MIKADO turns on the spot.

Mikado I don’t think so, sir.

Abanaza You’re about as useful as a wooden origami set. Check

the whole building.

He acknowledges the audience.

Do you think they’ll recognise me?

Mikado (raised eyebrow) No, no-one would ever recognise you.

Abanaza Check the back.

MIKADO checks the back of ABANAZA’s disguise.

Mikado No, I don’t think they’ll recognise your back.

Abanaza No you moron, the back of the laundry!

MIKADO exits.

I have a cunning plan. Let me tell you a secret. I’m a

sorcerer, you see. A potion here, an incantation there: I
can make you tell me your darkest secrets. Or, I can
make myself invisible. And that’s how I know all about
the princess and her silly little dalliances with Aladdin.
I cannot let this happen – for I had planned all
along to prove to the empress that I am worthy of the
princess’ hand. To her that means one thing: money.
Money and wealth beyond even my wildest dreams.
Where on earth will I find that, you ask?
Far from here, there is a cave full of magical things
and treasures the like of which you’ve never seen, or
even imagined. The treasure alone is enough to convince
the empress that I am worthy of the princess’ hand, but
I’m not so sure that Princess Ping-Pong will be so easily
convinced. However, deep in the cave lies a greater
treasure, worthless in value but of immense importance
to my plan.
It is a lamp; nothing special to look at, but of great
power to he who possesses it. And heaven knows I like
power. It is said that he who possesses the lamp
becomes the master of the most powerful spirit in the
world: the genie of the lamp – a being so magical that he
will grant you any three wishes you desire. And that is
 24

how I will make the princess fall desperately in love with

me – the one thing mere sorcery alone cannot achieve!
But there is a fault in my plan. I myself cannot
enter the cave – for only he who is truly in love may
cross its threshold. For years I have been waiting for
someone to take advantage of, for I have no need for
foolish emotions like love – and this is where that
wretched Aladdin will prove useful to me.

Enter WIDOW TWANKEY.

Widow Twankey A customer waiting in the shop? That’s new.

Abanaza Oh no, I’m not a customer –

Widow Twankey (interrupts) What is it? Undies?

Abanaza What? No –

Widow Twankey - Come on, let’s see them then.

Abanaza I’m not a customer!

Beat.

Widow Twankey Not a customer? Then who are you?

Abanaza I’m your brother in law. My name is (thinks) Imageeza.

I don’t think you’ll remember me.

Widow Twankey You’re right there, even my husband is a bit hazy.

Abanaza Would that be anything to do with the bottle in your left

hand?

Widow Twankey Brother in law or not, you’ll feel the iron in my right hand
with cheek like that.

Enter ALADDIN with WISHY and WASHY.

Aladdin Who are you?

Widow Twankey Don’t be rude, that’s your uncle. Apparently.

Wishy Uncle Apparently?

Widow Twankey No, his name is…Yorafleecer?

 25

Washy That was Dad’s name.

Widow Twankey (beat) It was?

Aladdin That’s the first time you’ve got that right in twelve years.

Widow Twankey He only died ten years ago.

Wishy/Washy We know.

Abanaza No, it’s Imageeza.

Widow Twankey (flirty) Ooh, I can see that.

Abanaza (clearing his throat) Anyway, I appreciate it has been a

long time, but there’s something I’ve been meaning to
sort out.

Widow Twankey Oh really? An endowment he’s been keeping secret from

us? Not that he didn’t keep his endowments secret while
we were married…

Abanaza No. This concerns Aladdin.

Wishy/Washy Aladdin?!

Aladdin Me?

Abanaza Yes. I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind taking a walk

with me.

Widow Twankey Oh, don’t you want to stay a while? Cup of tea? Cup of
coffee? I could show you my holiday snaps?

Abanaza Tempting as that is…this is a particularly pressing matter

and we really must press on.

Widow Twankey Oh, I know all about pressing on.

Wishy/Washy Mum!

Abanaza Come, Aladdin, there is much to discuss.

Aladdin (unsure) OK…

ABANAZA and ALADDIN exit.

Widow Twankey Oh, I’m all steamed up. I think I’ll go lie down.
 26

WIDOW TWANKEY exits.

Wishy Dad didn’t have a brother, did he?

Washy That’s what I was thinking. There’s something not right

about that bloke.

MIKADO rushes in.

Mikado Aba –

She notices WISHY and WASHY.

- man…that…was here… Erm…

Wishy Who are you?

Mikado Erm…

Washy Well?

Wishy Were you here with that man?

Mikado Er…yeah. I was just…using the loo.

Washy The loo’s that way (points in the opposite direction to

which MIKADO entered).

Mikado (beat) I got lost.

Washy I hope that’s all you did.

Mikado Did he leave?

Wishy Yeah, he just went off with Aladdin.

Washy You can probably catch them up. If he’s our uncle, does
that make you our cousin?

Mikado No, I’m his PA, see? (shows them a badge)

Wishy His PAC? What does that stand for? Pretty Arm Candy?

Washy (aside) Smooth, Wishy, well done.

Mikado Oh, thank you. You’re both quite handsome.

 27

WASHY’s facial expression changes.

Washy Thanks. I’m five minutes older, you know.

Wishy Yeah, well I’m an inch taller.

Washy Yeah, well -

MIKADO looks awkward.

Mikado - I should be getting back.

Washy Oh, OK. See you around then.

Mikado (shy) OK.

MIKADO exits. Long pause.

Wishy You’re too old for her.

Blackout.

OUTSIDE THE CAVE

ALADDIN and ABANAZA enter.

Abanaza Stop here, Aladdin. We’ve arrived.

Aladdin Arrived? Arrived where? You’re being very secretive

about all this.

Abanaza When your father died, Aladdin, he left a vast wealth,

hidden far from the city.

Aladdin Dad? Wealthy?

Abanaza Inside this cave are treasures like nothing you’ve ever
seen before.

Aladdin Treasures?

Abanaza Yes, and they’re all yours.

Aladdin Mine? Well, why haven’t I seen them before?

Abanaza Because when your father died, he told me that you were
too young and immature to be given riches like these.
He said you would fritter it away in a year. He wanted to
 28

wait until you were older and more mature. So he told

me that once you fell in love, you would be ready.

Aladdin How do you know I’m in love?

Abanaza I’ve been keeping an eye on you, Aladdin. Someone at

the palace told me that your mother came to ask the
empress for the princess’ hand. If that’s not proof that
you’re in love, I don’t know what is. So now you’re ready
to claim what is rightfully yours – and all I need you to do
is find one thing for me.

Aladdin What’s that?

Abanaza Deep in the cave there is a lamp. An old, rusty oil lamp.
Bring it to me.

Aladdin What do you want that for?

Abanaza It was your father’s. And our father’s before him. I

would like very much for it to be returned to the family,
so my children can have something of his.

Aladdin Alright. But don’t you want a share of the treasure?

Abanaza That is up to you, Aladdin. I was never as rich as your

father, you know. My children wear rags, we eat nothing
but rice. But I suppose you cannot miss what you’ve
never had.

Aladdin We can’t have that. You must have a share. Twenty

percent.

Abanaza No, I couldn’t possibly – twenty five.

Aladdin Deal.

They shake hands. Grudgingly, but for the sake of keeping up the pretence,
ABANAZA hugs him.

Abanaza You are very generous. Now, off you go, before we run
out of light.

Aladdin Aren’t you coming?

Abanaza I cannot, for reasons you wouldn’t understand. I am

sure you have the courage to go in alone.
 29

He produces a vial and throws down a powder. The cave opens. ALADDIN
jumps back, scared.

Don’t be afraid.

Aladdin Will you keep the cave open?

Abanaza I promise I will. Take this ring. It will protect you.

(ABANAZA gives ALADDIN a ring from his finger) Now go,
and soon we will both be richer than we have ever been.

ABANAZA sings ‘Money Money Money’. ALADDIN is locked in the cave.

Blackout. End of act.

 30

ACT II

INSIDE THE CAVE

ALADDIN is locked inside the cave, which is full of riches. He is panicking and
trying to find a way out.

Aladdin I can’t get out. Help, someone, please!

He falls to his knees, and takes off the ring ABANAZA gave him.

What’s this he gave me?

Smoke FX, the SLAVE OF THE RING appears.

(startled) Who are you?

Slave of the Ring I am the Slave of the Ring.

Aladdin Slave of the what?

Slave of the Ring The ring. On your finger. I presumed you wanted
something.

Aladdin What do you mean?

Slave of the Ring Anything you need help with, ask me.

Aladdin Anything?

Slave of the Ring Most things.

Aladdin But how? That’s not possible.

Slave of the Ring Simple. Magic.

Aladdin Magic?

Leads into ‘A Kind Of Magic’, sung by ALADDIN and SLAVE OF THE RING.
ALADDIN collects treasure and finds the lamp at the back of the cave.

This is it. This is what he wanted. But…I don’t know

how to get out of here.

As ALADDIN complains, the SLAVE OF THE RING tries to interject – she can
help, but ALADDIN doesn’t give her the chance.
 31

I’m supposed to be getting all this treasure out, and I

can’t even see an exit. Maybe if I get a big rock…or…
maybe I could light a fire? I don’t even have anything to
put the treasure in! He should have given me a bag or
something. Or a…cart, or, I don’t know. What does he
think I’m going to use? Magic?

The SLAVE OF THE RING coughs loudly.

(turns to SOTR) That’s a nasty cough.

The SLAVE OF THE RING clasps her head in her hands.

Headache? You haven’t got swine flu, have you?

Slave of the Ring No I haven’t got swine flu, Aladdin, I’m magic! And if I
did have swine flu I’d magic it away, because I’m magic!

Aladdin Hey…you’re magic! Can you get me out of here?

Slave of the Ring I’m not sure I want to now.

Aladdin (grovelling) Oh please. You proved you were magic

when you sang so beautifully.

Slave of the Ring (beat) I did sing beautifully, didn’t I?

Aladdin Oh yes. The most beautifullest I ever heard.

Slave of the Ring OK. I’ll get you out.

The SLAVE OF THE RING snaps her fingers. The cave “dissolves” away
around them, leaving them in…

WIDOW TWANKEY’S LAUNDRY

Aladdin You brought me home! And with all the treasure! How
did you know…?

Slave of the Ring I. Am. Magic! Jeez… (she produces a dictionary and
reads:) “Magic. Noun. One. Supposed art of invoking
supernatural powers. Two. Mysterious quality or power.
Adjective. Of, using, or like, magic.”

Aladdin You seem tense…

The SLAVE OF THE RING throws her dictionary at ALADDIN. WIDOW

TWANKEY enters with half a facial on.
 32

Widow Twankey What’s all this racket? You’re interrupting my beauty

sleep. Aladdin, is that you? What’s all this?

Aladdin Mum! Look! Our problems! They’re all solved!

Widow Twankey You’ve got me an AA leafl- (she notices the mounds of

treasure) Oh my… oh my… I need to sit down

Aladdin Isn’t it amazing! I knew we should have always trusted

that Imageeza! And all he asked for was this. (he picks
up the lamp) Though what he wanted with this old tatty
thing…

Widow Twankey We old, tatty things have many uses!

Aladdin Yeah but… look at it. At least you have make-up! (he
tries to ignore the evil look he receives from WIDOW
TWANKEY) I mean it’s… (he begins to rub it) it’s useless!

As he continues to rub it the GENIE OF THE LAMP appears.

Genie Good evening ladies and gentlemen, did you hear the one
about the insomniac, atheist, dyslexic? Spent the whole
night awake wondering if there really is a dog… (beat)
Oooh…tough crowd

Aladdin Erm…excuse me…who are you?

Genie Oh how rude of me, I’m the genie of the lamp!

Aladdin But how did you get here?

Genie Simple, by magic!

Aladdin I’m getting a strong sense of déjà vu here…

Genie Look it’s really quite simple

The opening bars to ‘A Kind Of Magic’ sound again and the GENIE revs up as
if to sing but he’s stopped by the SLAVE OF THE RING signalling to the
technicians.

Slave of the Ring Excuse me… I think you’ll find that that was my number.
And I did it very well already.

Genie (flirty) Hello, lovely lady!

 33

Slave of the Ring Get lost.

Genie Feisty. I like.

Widow Twankey Is it me or has my launderette turned into Piccadilly

Circus?

Genie Or ‘Blind Date’…

Slave of the Ring Yuck.

The GENIE adopts different voices.

Genie I can be suave?

Slave of the Ring No thanks.

Genie Smooth?

Slave of the Ring Meh.

Genie I can be cool? How you doin’…

Slave of the Ring Be still my beating heart!

Genie Really?

Slave of the Ring No.

Genie (to ALADDIN) I can try, can’t I?

Aladdin Uh…

Widow Twankey Is anyone going to explain to me what’s going on here?

Aladdin Well, that uncle guy took me to a cave, miles and miles
away. He told me there was treasure in it and that it all
belonged to Dad, and that he wanted me to have it.
And then he said there was an old lamp that used to
belong to Dad as well, and that he wanted me to bring
that to him.

Widow Twankey This lamp? (picking it up)

Aladdin Yeah.
 34

Widow Twankey Your father never had a lamp like that. I don’t remember
his name, but I know for sure that I wouldn’t have
anything this tacky in my home.

Genie Do you mind? Useless and tacky in the same scene!

Aladdin She’s just being friendly.

WISHY and WASHY burst in.

Wishy/Washy Aladdin Aladdin Aladdin!

Wishy Aladdin, are you back?

Aladdin (sarcastic) No, Wishy.

Wishy Oh. Well, when do you think you will be?

Washy Wishy… he was being sarcastic…

Wishy ...Oh

Aladdin What do you want anyway?

Wishy (picking up a handful of “coins” and playing with them) I

just wondered if you’d got back from your trip to make
the family rich.

Washy (despairing) How am I related to him?

Wishy What?

They all point to the treasure. WISHY double-takes.

When did that get here?

Aladdin About two minutes before you turned up.

Washy How did that get here?

Slave of the Ring I’m magic, dammit!

Beat, she collects herself.

Sorry. Been a long day.

Aladdin So…let me get this straight. We’ve got…a Slave of the

Ring? And a Genie of the Lamp?
 35

Slave of the Ring Yes, and I have a feeling I’m about to be upstaged.

Widow Twankey What’s the difference? Besides dress sense.

Genie Well, while the Slave of the Ring here can only help you,
I can grant wishes.

Aladdin Wishes?

Widow Twankey Wishes?

Wishy/Washy Wishes?

Slave of the Ring (begrudgingly) Wishes.

Aladdin Anything I want?

Genie Anything you want. But only three.

Aladdin Three?

Genie Three wishes.

Widow Twankey Only three?

Genie In my experience, that’s plenty. Like the bloke who

wished for fame, money and a more attractive partner.

Aladdin Did it work?

Genie Sure it did, how do you think Ant and Dec ended up
together? Shame it didn’t work for Richard Madeley.

Wishy (to GENIE) I want a Big Mac!

Washy What?

Genie A Big Mac?

Aladdin No!

Genie Your wish is my command.

Puff of smoke, someone enters carrying a Big Mac and hands it to WISHY.

Wishy If you’re so magic you could have at least included some

fries and a coke.
 36

Genie You have to be specific!

Wishy Well you didn’t tell us that.

Genie I never said that I have to be specific.

Washy (to SOTR) So what about you? How do you work?

Slave of the Ring How do I work?! I’m not an alarm clock!

Washy No I meant…how do we use you?

Slave of the Ring Oh…so I’m being used now. Well that’s just wonderful…

Washy How are…your…magical powers harnessed.

Slave of the Ring Oh I see… Well, there’s no limitations with me really. You
just need to say what it is you need to know or have or
do…

Washy And you’ll do it?

Slave of the Ring Just like that.

Wishy In which case, we need to know that Imageeza bloke

really is.

Widow Twankey What? That dashing brother in law of mine? Don’t be

silly he’s exactly who he says he i-

At this point, WISHY, WASHY and the SLAVE OF THE RING all point to the
back of the stage where a picture of ABANAZA in his normal garb is projected.

That conniving little weasel! I’ll have his guts for

garters…

Genie I’m not sure his guts are that big.

WIDOW TWANKEY goes to bonk the genie with her iron but it stops before
hitting him.

You can’t beat me up.

WIDOW TWANKEY tries again but to no avail. The GENIE evades her.

Magical beings are protected by…well magic…

 37

Widow Twankey You’ll need more than magic if I ever get a hold of you. I
can’t believe that snide little weasel managed to con us…

Wishy Did you promise anything to Abanaza, Aladdin?

Aladdin Erm…the lamp…and twenty five percent of the treasure.

That rotten man. I knew I shouldn’t have trusted him.
Why do you ask anyway?

Washy Are you thinking what I’m thinking bro?

Wishy I think I might be.

Washy We have a plan. It might take a while though.

Wishy And we’re going to need all of you…

Genie (to SLAVE OF THE RING) You hear that? Looks like we’re
going to be spending a lot more time together.

Slave of the Ring Deep… deep… joy.

Blackout.

THE IMPERIAL PALACE

Captain The widow Twankey and her sons your majesty.

Empress Where’s Mikado? Where’s Abanaza?

Captain I don’t know, your majesty, I haven’t seen them for a

while.

WIDOW TWANKEY and ALADDIN enter.

Princess What are you doing here? What’s going on?

Empress Oh no, no no no, you can just turn around and go –

WISHY and WASHY enter, laden with treasure.

- Aladdin! I always knew you were the perfect suitor!

Princess But Mum, I’m sure you said he was a no good –

Empress - Perfect suitor.

 38

The EMPRESS happily inspects the treasure, giggling in delight. ALADDIN

crosses to the PRINCESS.

Princess You did it! Aladdin, I can’t believe it.

Aladdin I told you that you could believe in me. It’s not all the
tea in China…

Princess No, but it’s just as good.

The EMPRESS interrupts:

Empress Personally, I think it’s better.

Widow Twankey Well I’m glad we’ve found something we can both agree
on

Empress I’m sure I don’t know what you mean. I’ve always known
how right Aladdin was for the Princess. I just needed him
to…erm…prove it…that he was right for my beautiful
offspring.

A chorus of sarcastic “uh-huh”s.

What?!

She is ignored.

Princess I don’t know how you did it Aladdin, but I’m so happy
you did.

Aladdin I can try to explain if you like.

Princess You don’t have to.

Aladdin Thank goodness for that. I’m sure the audience are bored
of that story by now…

Empress Right, well it looks like we have a wedding to plan!

Princess A wedding?

Aladdin A wedding?!

Widow Twankey I love weddings!

Empress Yes, dear, a whole day all about you for once!
 39

Widow Twankey I don’t love weddings…

Aladdin How do you feel about it, Ping-Pong?

Princess I… Oh I can’t put into words, you’ve made me feel like…

a million dollars!

Leads into ‘Million Dollar Bill’. Blackout.

ALADDIN’S PALACE

Widow Twankey Oh I love what you’ve done with the place Aladdin.

She notices the lamp, which is prominently placed on a table.

Princess It’s beautiful, isn’t it? I can’t imagine how he did it.

Aladdin And she doesn’t want to know.

WIDOW TWANKEY takes the hint and puts the lamp down.

Princess I don’t know why you keep that old lamp, Aladdin.

Aladdin I just like it, is all.

Widow Twankey What’s upstairs anyway?

Aladdin Hundred grand chandelier?

Widow Twankey Meh…

Aladdin Gold plated bathtub?

Widow Twankey Not bad…

Aladdin Walk-in wardrobe?

Widow Twankey Lead the way

She practically rugby tackles ALADDIN towards the wings.

Princess (picking up the lamp) I really don’t know what he sees in

this old thing…when the rest of the décor’s so beautiful
this is just so…tacky…

Enter ABANAZA in disguise.

Abanaza New lamps for old, new lamps for old!

 40

Princess That’s…worryingly convenient.

Abanaza I’d say it was wonderfully ironic.

Princess Have I seen you before? You look familiar?

Abanaza Me? Er, no, I, er, can’t imagine why.

He turns to the audience and gestures for them to be quiet.

Princess New lamps for old, you say?

Abanaza That’s right. I’ll take your old lamps and exchange them
for shiny new ones. How about this beautiful paper
lantern? Or an electric one, all the rage in the twenty-
first century!

Princess How can you make a living swapping new lamps for old?

Abanaza Well, the price of gold is currently at an all-time high.

Lamps4Old take your old lamps and –

Princess - OK, I get the picture.

I hate those adverts.

Abanaza Well, how about that old thing over there, that looks like
it’s seen better days.

WIDOW TWANKEY shouts from the wings.

Widow Twankey Hey!

Beat. PRINCESS PING-PONG picks up the lamp.

Princess This? This is my husband’s. I shouldn’t really…

Abanaza A tatty old thing like that? Wouldn’t he just love

something new to come home to, like this?

Princess That is very nice. Should I boys and girls?

Audience response. ABANAZA tries to silence them.

OK, but I want that one too.

Abanaza Certainly!
 41

They exchange lamps. ABANAZA laughs manically. PRINCESS PING-PONG

gasps in realisation.

Princess Abanaza! It’s you!

Abanaza Yes, my dear, and now at last I have control of the genie
of the lamp!

Princess What?

Abanaza Oh you poor innocent child. Why don’t we find out how
Aladdin really got you these beautiful things, this
beautiful palace, this perfect little marriage?

He rubs the lamp, the GENIE OF THE LAMP appears.

Genie Aladdin, hey! Wait…you’re…not…

Abanaza Damn right I’m not!

Princess Who are you, what’s going on?

Abanaza This, princess, is how your precious Aladdin made himself

such a lucky young prince! He stole, from my secret
treasure trove, this lamp you so readily gave away –
inside it a being powerful enough to grant all his foolish
whims!

Princess Aladdin wouldn’t steal anything!

Abanaza I assure you he did, and now the lamp is mine, I will
steal everything back from him – starting with you!
Genie, my first wish – you will transport the princess and
I to my lair far away from here, where no-one will ever
find us – least of all your darling Aladdin!

ABANAZA laughs as the PRINCESS screams in terror and they disappear.

MARKETPLACE IN PEKING

ALADDIN, WIDOW TWANKEY, WISHY, WASHY, the SLAVE OF THE RING and
the CAPTAIN OF THE GUARDS enter, searching for the PRINCESS, asking
townspeople if they have seen her.

Aladdin Has anybody seen the princess?

Wishy Aladdin, it’s no use, nobody’s seen the princess.

 42

Washy You’re not allowed to see the princess!

Wishy We told you that in act one.

Washy But did you listen?

Wishy/Washy No!

Aladdin Yes, but did you notice that I am married to her now?
That wouldn’t have happened if I’d followed your advice,
would it?

Widow Twankey Married? You don’t even know where your own wife is!

Aladdin Well you can’t even remember your husband’s name!

Beat.

Widow Twankey Touché.

Aladdin I don’t know where she could possibly be. I’ve looked
everywhere! Do you think I’ve done something wrong?
Oh I can’t bear the thought that I’ve lost her!

Slave of the Ring Is it just me that really thinks that they’ve all missed a
trick here?!

Aladdin What was that?

Slave of the Ring Oh nothing, I was just magically admiring and magically
preserving my magically magical magic.

Widow Twankey Try saying that when you’ve had a few…

Beat.

All Wait, you’re magic!

Slave of the Ring When you lot were given brains, were you at the back of
the queue or did you just turn up on a bank holiday?

Washy Well why didn’t you say something?

Slave of the Ring Well why didn’t you ask?

Widow Twankey This is getting us nowhere. Do you know where she is or

not?
 43

Slave of the Ring Of course I do.

Aladdin Do you feel like telling us?

Slave of the Ring Ask me properly.

Widow Twankey (with edge) Slave of the Ring, darling, sweetheart, oh

magical one that I view on a par with the apples of my
own eye, could you pretty pretty please, with icing and a
cherry on the top, could you show us where the Princess
is?

Slave of the Ring There was no need to be quite so…sickly about it.

WIDOW TWANKEY raises her eyebrow.

Well, yeah maybe.

A chorus of “uh-huh”s.

WIDOW TWANKEY sighs, and the SLAVE OF THE RING goes into a bizarre
trance, eventually emerging from it acting like nothing happened. She’s
greeted by everyone else in various states of shock and confusion.

What?!

Beat. ALADDIN awkwardly breaks the silence.

Aladdin So…do you know where she is?

Slave of the Ring Yeah. She’s in Abanaza’s lair. With the Genie. They’re
sitting down to dinner as we speak. Chicken chow mein
by the looks of it…

Wishy Oooh, my favourite!

He gets glared at from all angles.

Aladdin Well what are we going to do?

Washy Looks like we might have to bring our plan into action
sooner than we thought, bro.

Wishy How has kidnapping Angelina Jolie got anything to do

with this?

Washy (embarrassed) Not that plan…

 44

Wishy Oh…oh! You mean the one about how to get revenge on
Abanaza?

Washy Yes, Wishy.

Widow Twankey This is the second time you’ve brought this plan up and
not bothered explaining it to us.

Aladdin Is it going to get my Ping-Pong back to me?

Wishy If it works.

Washy Of course it’ll work. It’s my plan.

Wishy It’s my plan.

Washy How is it your plan?

Wishy I said we should have a plan.

Washy And I came up with the plan…

Wishy Yeah, you came up with my plan!

Slave of the Ring Can I interject?

She takes WIDOW TWANKEY’s iron and bonks them both.

Wishy/Washy Ow.

Widow Twankey Nice technique.

Slave of the Ring Thank you. Anyway, are you going to tell us this plan or
are we going to stand around loitering in the
marketplace?

Aladdin Can you lead us to the princess?

Slave of the Ring Of course I can.

Washy And we’ll tell you the plan on the way.

WASHY looks at WISHY, beat.

I’ll tell you the plan on the way.

Slave of the Ring Let’s go then.

 45

They all start wandering off in separate directions. SLAVE OF THE RING waits
SL, watching them despairingly. Slowly they all double-take and sheepishly
follow her off SL.

ABANAZA’S LAIR

From separate entrances (SL, SR and aisle), WIDOW TWANKEY, ALADDIN

and the SLAVE OF THE RING creep in backwards to comedy music. They do
not see each other at first. They jump when they bump into each other.

Aladdin It’s gloomy in here, isn’t it?

Widow Twankey The décor leaves something to be desired.

Aladdin Where did Wishy and Washy get to?

Enter a panto horse: WISHY and WASHY in disguise.

Widow Twankey My my, where did that come from?

The HORSE approaches her, she makes to touch it.

And I must say I have some experience of fine stalli –

WIDOW TWANKEY screams as the horse’s head comes off to reveal WASHY.

Washy Hi Mum!

Widow Twankey My heart, my heart…

She hyperventilates for a while. A muffled voice comes from the back end of
the horse.

Wishy Why did I have to be the back end?

Aladdin You’re hardly the brains of the outfit.

They emerge from the costume.

Wishy I wouldn’t have minded, but he had beans on toast this

morning and it’s like farts in a can in there.

Widow Twankey This is your cunning plan?

Washy You don’t have to say it like that. It’s simple enough for
him to understand.

Wishy He’s so mean to me.

 46

Slave of the Ring So let me get this straight. You’re going to sneak right
up to Abanaza’s door?

Washy Yes.

Aladdin Pretend to be a real horse?

Wishy Yes.

Widow Twankey Go right inside?

Washy Yep.

Slave of the Ring Find the lamp?

Wishy Uh-huh.

Aladdin And steal it back.

Wishy/Washy In a nutshell.

Widow Twankey This is flawed in so many ways…

Washy Yeah, but it’s a pantomime.

Wishy We’re hardly going for realism.

Aladdin Just as well with that costume.

They all sit on a bench. A chill in the air.

Wishy It’s creepy here.

Washy Yeah. I’m all jumpy in my tummy.

Aladdin We need to cheer ourselves up somehow.

Slave of the Ring How?

Beat.

Widow Twankey I know!

Wishy/Washy What?

Widow Twankey We should have a singsong!

 47

Slave of the Ring (to audience) Don’t you think they’ve suffered enough?

Widow Twankey Rubbish, they can sing along too!

Words to ‘Row Your Boat’ are projected. They repeat the verse several times.
One by one they are each scared from the bench by a GHOST who appears
from the wings and disappears again, unseen by the other characters.

Eventually WIDOW TWANKEY is left alone with the GHOST. She realises that
nobody’s there with her anymore. She looks towards SR and the ghost moves
over to SL. She looks towards SL and the ghost moves over to SR.

Widow Twankey Where’s everyone gone? (to audience) Do you know?

Audience response

A ghost? Don’t be silly! If there’s a ghost then why can’t

I see it? Where is it?

Audience response of “it’s behind you”. She looks around and the GHOST
runs a circle around her so that by the time she turns back round it’s behind
her once more.

Well I can’t see it. Where is it?

Audience response of “it’s behind you” again. She looks around again and the
GHOST evades her.

You’re just playing tricks on old Widow Twankey now. I

bet Wishy and Washy put you up to this! Didn’t I tell you
they would? You wait until I see them. There’s not really
anything there is there?

Audience response.

Oh no there isn’t!

Audience response, milked. Eventually the GHOST creeps up behind her and
taps her on the shoulder.

(to GHOST) Do you mind I’m tryi-

Beat.

Aaaagh!

She runs off, hotly pursued by the GHOST.

 48

ABANAZA and MIKADO enter to booing.

Abanaza Somebody’s here, I swear. Mikado, check!

MIKADO pulls out a chequebook.

Mikado, I’m warning you! Check the room! (calls

offstage) Oh princess, my sweet…

PRINCESS PING-PONG enters, wearing rags and looking downtrodden.

Is my dinner ready yet?

Princess Not yet.

Abanaza Not yet what?

Princess Not yet, Abanaza.

Abanaza What’s taking so long?

Princess The chip pan’s not working. The genie tried to reheat his
Big Mac but left it in the packaging.

Abanaza Oh, well bake some potatoes.

Princess (aside) Go boil your head.

Abanaza What?

Princess I said I’ll boil some instead.

Mikado I can’t see anyone, Abanaza.

Abanaza There had better not be. Any more slip-ups from you
and you’re fired.

Mikado (aside) I wish I was never hired, you insufferable creep.

Abanaza What?

Mikado I said you look quite tired, why don’t you go sleep?

Abanaza (beat) You might be right, actually. I’ll lie down for a
while. Woe betide you, Princess, if my dinner isn’t
waiting for me when I’m up.

ABANAZA exits.
 49

Mikado I’m so sick of him.

Princess (sarcastic) Yeah, well I’m having a barrel of laughs.

Mikado Sorry.

Princess As if you’re sorry. You’re Abanaza’s little stooge. I bet

you’re loving this.

Mikado No! Really. I work for him. But I hate it. I hate what
he’s doing. I hate what he’s done to you.

Princess Really?

Mikado Really. I wish there was something I could do.

There comes a knock from offstage.

I wish there was something we could do.

The knock comes again, more insistent.

But I don’t know what.

Banging from offstage.

Princess Can’t you hear that?

Mikado Hear what?

Washy (offstage) There’s a doorbell!

Wishy (offstage) Oh!

Doorbell.

Mikado Oh. Door.

Princess You get that. I have to make Abanaza’s dinner.

PRINCESS PING-PONG exits. MIKADO goes to the door and, perplexed,

brings in a horse (WISHY and WASHY in disguise). There is a note around its
neck, which MIKADO reads.

Mikado It’s for Abanaza. He’ll want to read this. Abanaza!

(beat) What a lovely horse. I wonder if I could ride it.
 50

A voice from inside the horse:

Washy You’ll rue the day!

Mikado Huh?

Panicked murmuring inside the horse, followed by:

Wishy/Washy Neeigh!

ABANAZA enters.

Abanaza What is it? This had better be important, I was just

getting to sleep with my ted-uh… Terr…ible…plans…

Mikado Nice and fluffy for you, are they?

Abanaza Shut up, you. What do you want? (sees the horse)
What’s that horse doing here?

Mikado It’s for you, look.

ABANAZA takes the note and reads.

Abanaza “Abanaza, I saw this and thought of you. I know you’ve

always admired horses, as you feel that their unrivalled
grace and undwindling power was the nearest match to
your own, and so to thank you for your years of service
and companionship, I felt it was time you had your own
companion too. With my best wishes, as always,
Audrey.” I always knew she cared. Wait, there’s more…
“P.S. this horse has had a very long trip to get to you. On
arrival, please feed it generously.” Well that’s easy
enough. I’m pretty sure I have some straw bagged up
out the back. I’ll go and fetch it. What’s your name
anyway? (he reads the name badge around its neck)
Trojan…I’m sure that ought to tell me something… oh
well…

ABANAZA exits in one direction as the PRINCESS re-enters from the other
direction with dinner on a tray.

Princess What a beautiful horse!

WISHY AND WASHY take the costume off and wander towards the princess.

Maybe not…what are you two doing here?!

 51

Washy We’ve come to rescue you

Wishy It was my plan!

Washy Don’t start that again…

Wishy (to MIKADO) And as for you!

MIKADO looks sheepish.

Washy We thought you were on our side

Princess She is! She doesn’t want to be here any more than I do.
But it’s all she knows. We need to get her out of here
too!

Wishy Why should we trust her?

Washy Yeah, she’s already tricked us once before.

Wishy She said I was handsome!

Washy She said we were handsome.

Mikado I did mean it! I hated tricking you. You shouldn’t judge
people based on who they hang around with.

Princess Otherwise we’d think you two are like your mother.

Wishy I suppose.

Washy But still. How do we know we can trust her?

Beat.

Is that Abanaza’s dinner?

Princess Yes. Why?

Washy Because we were planning on putting this (he produces a

bottle) in his food.

Wishy But if you’re so trustworthy…

Washy And on our side…

Wishy/Washy You can do it.

 52

Mikado But…won’t it hurt him?

Wishy See, she’s backtracking already!

Princess Give her a chance!

Mikado I hate him, I really do. But I don’t want to hurt him.

Washy It won’t hurt him. It’s just a sleeping potion. Enough to

knock him out for long enough to escape.

Wishy It cost us a whole months’ pocket money! So you better

not waste it!

Mikado OK…I’ll do it.

She opens the bottle and pours the contents over ABANAZA’s dinner.

Wishy You are now -

Washy - Officially -

Wishy/Washy - One of the team!

Washy Now quickly, we’d better scarper!

They make to leave. Enter ABANAZA.

Abanaza Where the heck do you think you’re going? And where’s
my beautiful horse?

He sees the abandoned horse costume.

What in the name of egg-fried rice?! (beat, realisation)

You two! Aladdin’s halfwit brothers! How in the name of
yin and yang did you get here?

Washy Halfwits? Us?

Wishy You fell for a horse costume. Called “Trojan”.

Beat.

Abanaza (meek) …I wanted a horse. I mean, (recovers, yells in

anger) You will pay for this! Is Aladdin here too? And
your smutty mother?

Wishy Not telling.

 53

Abanaza Don’t test me, boy…

PRINCESS PING-PONG interjects with the dinner.

Princess Abanaza, why don’t you eat something before you pick a
fight? Get your energy up.

Abanaza Ping-Pong, can’t you see I’m –

Mikado - Yes, Abanaza, you really

should eat something.

Princess I made your favourite. Boiled potatoes…

Abanaza On their own?

Mikado Full of carbs.

Princess Keep you going.

Abanaza O…K…

He picks up one potato and eats it.

Not bad…bit cold…bit salty…

He begins to ramble, becoming more and more delirious until finally he

passes out on the bench.

Wishy/Washy Yes!

Princess It worked!

Mikado Now what?

WIDOW TWANKEY and ALADDIN enter.

Widow Twankey Did it work? Is he intoxicated?

She sees ABANAZA passed out.

This brings back memories…

Wishy We don’t want to know.

Aladdin Ping-Pong!
 54

Princess Aladdin!

They embrace.

Aladdin Quick, where does Abanaza keep my lamp?

Princess It’s in his cloak, he never lets it out of his sight. Oh

Aladdin, I’m so sorry, I just didn’t know…

Aladdin I know you didn’t, it’s alright, I should have told you. I
only hope you can still love me now you know the truth.

Princess Of course I do, Aladdin, I’ll always love you.

They embrace again.

Widow Twankey Get a room.

Wishy/Washy Get the lamp!

Mikado I’ll get it.

Aladdin Don’t you work for Abanaza?

Widow Twankey Why would you want to help us?

Princess It’s OK, she’s on our side now.

Mikado Besides, I was kind of hoping…

Widow Twankey - What?

Mikado That maybe I could spend some more time with Wishy
and Washy?

Wishy/Washy Us?

Widow Twankey Them?

Aladdin Really?

Widow Twankey My horrid sons? Karma must really be shining on them

lately, first Aladdin -

Princess - The lamp! Before he wakes up!

 55

MIKADO creeps up to ABANAZA. He stirs as she reaches him. This happens

three times, each time he murmurs a word (at random) in his sleep, before
MIKADO pulls the lamp from his robe and he wakes.

He cries out and tries to give chase, but is too drowsy to get to his feet. The
lamp is hastily passed to ALADDIN.

Princess Quick!

ALADDIN rubs the lamp, the GENIE appears.

Genie Aladdin! Hey, great to see you. Did I ever tell you about
the Englishman, the Scotsman and the Irishman…

Aladdin - We
haven’t got time! Quick! Take us all back to the laundry!

Genie Sure?

ABANAZA is growing more and more conscious.

Aladdin Quick! Now.

Genie OK…

The setting dissolves away to leave them all in:

WIDOW TWANKEY’S LAUNDRY

Widow Twankey Ah, there’s no place like home.

Aladdin We did it! We -

They all notice ABANAZA who is now standing, entirely stably and looking
very menacing.

What’s he doing here?! Genie?

Genie I did tell you before, you have to be specific!

Princess Does common sense not come into it anywhere with you
spirits? You’re meant to be magic!

Enter SLAVE OF THE RING.

Slave of the Ring I heard that!

Widow Twankey Where did you come from?

 56

Aladdin Sorry, I’ve taken to rubbing my ring when I’m nervous…

Abanaza You’re damn right to be nervous! I’m going to make you

rue the day you were born!

Mikado Abanaza!

Abanaza (turning) What?!

She heaves a box of laundry detergent at him. He sneezes. WIDOW

TWANKEY cottons on.

Widow Twankey Abanaza!

Abanaza (turning again) What?!

She throws water over him. Bubble SFX.

No! I feel…clean! No! No!

He runs offstage. PRINCESS PING-PONG follows. Crashing is heard, followed

by the sound of a washing machine. The PRINCESS returns looking proud of
herself.

Aladdin What happened?

Princess I pushed him in the washing machine!

WISHY gasps.

Washy Ping-Pong. You’ve got balls.

“Fail” sound effect. Everyone groans.

Widow Twankey Even I can’t steal all the attention here. I think three
cheers for Princess Ping-Pong. Hip-hip…

Audience response.

Spotlight, WIDOW TWANKEY steps forward.

And remember, we here in Peking frown on all kinds of

violence, bullying and tomfoolery –

Aladdin - Mum, don’t bother.

 57

Slave of the Ring It’s not going to work. We told them about the alcohol in
act one and they still all went to the bar.

“Bing” sound effect. The washing machine stops. ABANAZA enters in his
Imageeza guise.

Abanaza Who am I? Where am I? What’s…going on?

Mikado Abanaza?

Abanaza A banana? No thanks, don’t like bananas.

Slave of the Ring Do you…really not remember who you are?

Widow Twankey Oho! Is my strapping brother-in-law here to stay?

Abanaza I… What…?

The EMPRESS OF CHINA enters with the CAPTAIN OF THE GUARDS.

Empress Twankey! Have you seen Abanaza? I can’t find him

anywhere, I’ve got about twelve sudoku puzzles for him
to solve.

Wishy He’s over th –

WASHY clasps his hand over WISHY’s mouth.

Genie As a matter of fact, we found out he was up to some

pretty nasty business.

Empress Nasty business? Abanaza?

Widow Twankey Yes, but it’s all…come out in the wash.

Empress Oh. Well, does this mean I’m going to need a new vizier?
(thinks) Mikado! Would you like the job?

Mikado Me? Really?

Empress Sure. You’re the only one who knows how to work the
photocopier now.

Princess (aside) We really hope you’ve got the gag.

Mikado I’d love to, your majesty. But…

Empress But?
 58

Mikado Can Wishy and Washy have a job too?

Empress Them two?

Widow Twankey They work here!

Mikado I just think they deserve more.

Widow Twankey Well. I suppose they all have to fly the nest eventually.

Abanaza Well I’m pretty handy with the washing machine.

Slave of the Ring Oh, if only you knew.

Empress I’m sure we can find something for them to do.

Mikado Thank you!

Wishy/Washy Yes!

WISHY and WASHY high-five.

Princess Looks like everyone’s happy now.

Aladdin But no-one’s as happy as me, Ping-Pong.

The other characters react with a mixture of disgust and happiness, except
the GENIE, who seems a little down. ALADDIN and the PRINCESS notice this.

Aladdin What’s the matter Genie? You look sad.

Genie I am.

Princess Is there anything we can do?

Slave of the Ring If I might interject…I think I have an idea.

They all turn to look at her.

Slave of the Ring Genie, I wish…that you free yourself from the lamp.

Beat.

Genie You’d do that for me?

Slave of the Ring Don’t question it or I’ll take it back.

 59

Genie OK, OK!

FX, the GENIE is freed.

I’m…free. I’m free! Oh Slave of the Ring! Is there

anything I can do to repay you?

Slave of the Ring Can you lavish attention on a beautiful, talented young
woman?

Genie Of course I can. If you show me one.

The SLAVE OF THE RING glares.

It was a joke! A joke! Of course I can. So what are we?

Like…spirit husband and wife?

Slave of the Ring Steady on, how about magic’ing me up some dinner first?

Genie One Big Mac, coming up!

Slave of the Ring You have much to learn.

Empress He really does.

Aladdin Now everyone’s happy. I have my beautiful wife!

Princess I have my beautiful husband.

Genie I have my beautiful freedom.

Empress And I’m still rich.

Widow Twankey I don’t know about you lot, but I think this calls for a
party. Come on guys, free bar back here! It’s been
calling to me for far too long…

Various exclamations of pleasure at this prospect. They all exit, leading into
the finale and ‘Love At First Sight’. Curtain call.