Issue 13

Editor: Sara Hadfield

Editor-In-Chief: Elizabeth Simos
Produced in USSU,
University of Surrey,
Guildford
Est. 2008

FREE

A Vote of No Confidence
S
tudent Parliament took place on Thursday Following discussion between Matthew Barker and
In this issue: 3rd December and a statement was given Malcolm Hunt this public call for a vote of no con-
detailing events that occurred at the Execu- fidence was detracted at 4:30 pm on Thursday 3rd
tive meeting the night before. For those students December.
who did not attend Student Parliament, this is what
A Day in the was stated: As a result of the aforementioned ruling this Stu-
Life of: dent Parliament will not proceed as advertised. All
“Last night the union Executive met for its regular policy ratified by this body today will not automati-
Campus Boy weekly meeting. At this meeting an item of discus- cally become Union policy. Instead it will be recom-
sion was raised by the Union Chair on a constitu- mended to the Executive, who will make the deci-
tional interpretation. The specific interpretation was sion on whether or not it will become policy.
If Santa was ‘that Student Parliament had the power to propose
real.... and ratify policy and/or refer it to the Union Execu- Those people who wish to know more about the
tive’. The Union Chair had sought independent ad- course of yesterday’s executive meeting are invited
vice from the National Union of Students. The Un- to view draft minutes of this meeting.
ion executive, through its constitutional authority,
Mentos VS challenged the ruling and ultimately overturned it The chair’s motion regarding the part time executive
Coke with 5 votes to 4. effectiveness will be withdrawn from the agenda.

As this was a contentious issue a member of the
Drink Spiking Union Executive called publically for a motion of No
Confidence at midnight last night in the following
- Be Aware! officers: Lisa Shah, Chris Moffatt, Malcolm Hunt,
Ashraf Khalifa, Hitesh Tekchandani and Nick En-
twistle (who was not present at the meeting).
Worst Songs
of the Decade A ‘Vote of No Confidence’ is essentially a vote
to determine whether the student population
has confidence in an elected individual and
Ten Best their abilities to carry out their role.
Films of the
Hitesh Tekchandani has formally removed himself
as the proposer of the guest ticket motion. I am
prepared to open this motion to the floor.
If you wish to be the proposer and talk for this mo-
tion please approach the help desk.
Questions on any of the aforementioned events can
be raised in this forum in Questions to the Union
Executive”.
Statement by Union Chair on behalf of the Union
at Student Parliament

Decade Surreybucks Opens Second Coffee Store On Campus

by Ben Pook, News Editor failure to improve the choice of coffee available to
Guildford students and prevent a caffeine-conglomeration
The University’s Hospitality Catering Service has sadly represents a shocking misjudgement of student
Heat chosen to ignore the interests of Surrey students by welfare.
opening a second Starbucks coffee store on campus.
Spotlight on: The latest store, which opened last month at the The partnership between the University and
new Guildford School of Acting building, is a blatant Starbucks has led to the announcement of plans
Mike Martin representation of the University’s poor judgment at for yet another Starbucks coffee store. This third
improving the quality of catering on campus. store, which will be located at the new Surrey Sports
Park, will “deliver precisely the same Starbucks
Not only is a second Starbucks store completely Experience”. The press release also indicates that
Recycle unnecessary, but yet again the Hospitality Catering the store will consist of a “120-seat café area as
Service has failed to deliver tasteful coffee to well as an outdoor seating area for an additional
students looking for a worthy morning wake-up call or 130 people”.
Your Stag! afternoon pick-me-up. However, the quality of coffee
isn’t the topic of this article. Instead, the University’s Continued Page 6.....

Issue 13 I 7th December 2009 I www.ussu.co.uk/thestag

 Editor’s Letter
Hi everyone!

Well another year almost over and so

much to cram into the last couple of
weeks of University!
In this issue...
2009 was definitely an interesting year
to say the least. If I had to choose one
of the best days of 2009 I think it would
have had to be a snow day. News Pages 3 - 7
For those of you who weren’t at Surrey
during the snow it was insane! The
University completely closed and no one Features Pages 8 - 22
could go anywhere! One of my friends
got sent home from work with LOADS Fashion I Pages 11 - 13
of food that they hadn’t been able to
sell. So after a mass snowball fight, Science I Pages 14 - 16
about twelve or so people crammed
into my tiny Guildford Court room and
we watched films and ate for absolutely
Health I Page 19
ages.

No doubt societies are organising Christmas meals and crazy themed bar crawls, like
the super hero one I’ll be attending this week – look out!
Societies Pages 25- 28
If you were one of the lucky ones to get your hand on a Fetish ticket, despite the crazy
queue that seemed to orchestrate itself around the Union, I hope you had a great time!
It seemed the firemen and suspenders were out in full force – good work!
Arts Pages 29 - 48
So what’s coming up in the next few weeks? Music I Pages 29 - 32
The Snow White Panto – guaranteed to make you laugh, probably cry and perhaps a Dance & Theatre I Pages 33 - 35
place where you can vent some of your deadline anger by yelling at the cast, sounds
like fun doesn’t it? Film I Pages 38 - 43
Of course it wouldn’t be the end of a year without the Christmas Party on Friday 18th Literature I Pages 44 - 48
December so make sure you don’t miss out on that!

Well it’s been a great year for us and I hope it has been for you too. I hope you have a
great Christmas and enjoy the count down to the New Year! Sports Pages 50 - 55
Good luck with all your assignments and exams and we look forward to seeing you in

Sara x
2010!

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Editor I Sara Hadfield : ussu.thestag@surrey.ac.uk

Deputy Editor (Design) I Steff Lever : ussu.thestag@surrey.ac.uk
Deputy Editor (Marketing) I Jack McWaters : ussu.thestag@surrey.ac.uk
News I Ben Pook : newsdeskstag@gmail.com
Features I Mariam Nasir : featuresdeskstag@gmail.com
Science I David Pugh : sciencedeskstag@gmail.com
Societies I Bakita Kasadha : societiesdeskstag@gmail.com
Music I Mark Allen : musicdeskstag@gmail.com
Dance & Theatre I Rachel Gildea : dancedeskstag@gmail.com
Literature I Eunice Njagi : literaturedeskstag@gmail.com
Film I Ollie Sim : filmdeskstag@gmail.com
Sports I David Holt : sportsdeskstag@gmail.com
Copy Editor I Ankur Banerjee
The Stag is an editorially independent newspaper and is published by
the University of Surrey Students’ Union.

The views expressed in the paper are those of individual authors and do not necessarily
represent the views of the editorial team, the Students’ Union or the University of Surrey.

Printed by Surrey and Berkshire Media Limited

Stoke Mill House, Woking Road, Guildford, Surrey GU1 1QA

The Stag reserves the right to edit submissions.

Please direct all enquiries to the relevant section editors.
 3
Crowded Dance Floor Causes Concern Among
Union-goers
by Ben Pook

Anxious students at the University of Surrey have expressed their concern

about health and safety flaws at the union’s nightclub, Rubix. According
to reports, students have grown apprehensive about the ‘packed out’
dance floor and the inability to shake their stuff in front of the stage.

On a busy night, the dance floor is rarely empty with students choosing
to boogie rather than mingle around the bars. This segregation prevents
many students from dancing effectively due to the reduction in space.
Apparently, many use this as an excuse for their awful dance techniques,
although it’s common knowledge that most union-goers simply don’t
have any rhythm. The lack of room causes a number of issues. Stray
arms and overeager thrusting can be a hazard, while a more depressing
issue - the preying eyes of naive men - is disturbing and unattractive.

Most students believe the busy dance floor is simply a common

experience in all clubs. On live events, including DJs, clubbers regularly crowd into a reduced space in front of the stage and to dance to the
migrate as close to the stage as possible. This is understandable with latest Girls Aloud smash hit.
live bands and skilled DJs, although why we decide to cram together
and dance to mainstream hits is questionable. The answer is common decency. Firstly, it’s the decency to appreciate
non-rhythmic dancers and allow space for the occasionally flung elbow.
Reducing the overall capacity could be a solution. However, with the Secondly, if the dance floor is busy – don’t go straight to the front.
extreme demand for high profile nights, reducing the number of tickets Bring alcohol into the mix though and common decency is eradicated
seems an inappropriate resolution. The issue isn’t the number of people because nobody really cares.

open
in the union; rather, it’s the sheep-like mentality of its inhabitants to

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MENS Society Granted Approval by Manchester Union
The past month’s student headlines have been
partially dominated by events surrounding
the introduction of a male support society
at Manchester University. The society, called
MENS (Masculinity Exploring Networking and
Support), was officially granted approval last
month and is the first authorised society of its
kind.
4
of Manchester Communist Students, Caitriona
Rylance, said the show’s original aims were
“Top Gear shows, gadget fairs, beer-drinking
marathons and Iron Man competitions”.
However, founder Ben Wild dismissed these
accusations as “false information” and
explained how “the first event was a sober pub
crawl”.

Other universities have followed suite, with the Popular topics of interest at the MENS society
formation of Male Collective at Oxford University, include awareness of men’s mental health,
while the high profile topic is likely to spark as well as testicular and prostate cancer.
further support from male students across The society also improves the understanding
the country. These recent developments arrive among male peer groups of male rape and at Manchester University. Students require
after decades of feminist support networks, domestic violence issues. reassurance and advice, irrelevant of gender,
which represent a common feature at many and it seems isolating men from women is
campuses. Whether the accusations regarding its original the most effective solution to tackling gender
aims are true or if it is indeed “false information”, specific issues.
However, Manchester’s MENS society has at present, the society appears to have added
received its fair share of criticism. The chair serious value to the welfare of male students

Excited Students Queue For Hours

by Ben Pook, News Editor
Hundreds of eager union-goers queued for hours
on Monday 1st December for a priceless ticket
to the one and only Fetish night. According to
reports, the queue wrapped around the entire
union building to prevent mass rows of students
climbing on top of one another.
ticket. Only on this occasion, it was for a
Some students found more effective ways to
get hold of a ticket. Dov Azagury, a final year
Business Management student, convinced his
friend to queue in the rain while he attended
a morning lecture. He said, “I had a morning
lecture which I couldn’t afford to miss, so a
friend queued up for me. I’m a man with lots
of connections.”

Rumours have suggested that one student even Fetish night is heralded as the number one
camped from the previous night to ensure his event in the University of Surrey calendar,
share of the tickets – someone who clearly had where students are expected to dress up in
nothing better to do on a damp and cold Sunday perverted costumes in an attempt to out-fetish
evening. Scenes on the Monday morning one another. Admittedly, it does come close to
appeared similar to Roald Dahl’s Charlie and ticket to the union and not a magical fantasy rivalling the 3-day end of year binge.
the Chocolate Factory, in which thousands of playground filled with an unlimited supply of
children hunt for the last remaining golden chocolate.

NUS Joins ‘The Wave’ to Fight Climate Change

by the National Union of Students and Ben
Pook
On Saturday 5th December 2009, the National
Union of Students (NUS) joined the UK’s
biggest ever demonstration in support of action
on climate change. The demonstration flooded
the streets of central London, ahead of crucial
UN climate talks in Copenhagen.
The Wave, a carnival-style street procession,
began at 12pm from Grosvenor Square in
London and was organised by the Stop Climate
Chaos Coalition. A finale took place at 3pm as
The Wave encircled the Houses of Parliament.
A similar demonstration also took place in
Glasgow on the same day. The Stop Climate
Chaos Coalition represents 11 million members
across 100 UK organisations, from the Women’s
Institute and RSPB to Oxfam and Unison. All
are united in their demand for an end to dirty
coal, and a fair and just international climate
change deal that protects the worlds’ poorest
communities.
NUS Vice President for Society and Citizenship,
Susan Nash, said before the demonstration:
“NUS is proud to stand shoulder to shoulder
with the other members of the Stop Climate
Chaos Coalition to put pressure on our political
leaders as they gather for this crucial summit
in Copenhagen.”
Ashok Sinha, said “The Wave will send a
A family friendly event, The Wave encouraged strong message to Gordon Brown that people
people to follow the theme by wearing blue in the UK want to see their government do all
clothing and bringing blue fabric, banners and that’s needed to deliver a strong and fair deal
props. From blue dragons in Wales, to student that puts poor people and the planet first at
‘wave dance’ flashmobs, blue handprints in Copenhagen. All the eyes of our 11 million
schools to ‘wheels to the wave’ cycle network, strong coalition will be on world leaders as they
The Wave is already building from all corners gather in the Danish capital to ensure climate
of the UK. justice is delivered.” For more information go
to: www.the-wave.org.uk
Director of Stop Climate Chaos Coalition,
 5
10 Years of Guildford News and Trivia
Voted as the 9th best place to live in the UK
in 2006, according to Channel 4, Guildford
is arguably the closest you will find to village
monotony without actually being a village. With
this in mind, a 10 year accumulation of news
will likely send you to sleep within seconds.
However, the charming town accommodating
our University has witnessed its fair share of
devastation and bewildering news. Events
including grenades, dogs and liberal democrats
have graced the front pages of Surrey tabloids
while most of the amiable Guildford community
remained unaware. Therefore, to mark the end
of the decade, News Editor, Ben Pook, divulges
Guildford’s darkest and most memorable news
stories.
2000: Bank robbery and Bruno the dog
Guildford is often renowned for its unnaturally
low crime rate. This reflects the common
understanding between students and residents
to stay clear of each other, as well as the
distinct lack of enthralling nightlife outside of
Fahrenheit. In 2000 though the town was the
scene of a bank robbery at the Merrow branch
of Llyods bank. Two male robbers entered the
premises, at which point one of the men held a
knife to a customer’s neck and threatened two
female members of staff. Both men escaped
with a ‘large quantity of cash’.
On December 1st, the Surrey Advertiser
published a story welcoming the return home
of Bruno the dog, who ran away the previous
week. Fortunately, he was found ‘safe and well’,
after ironically being spotted near The Windmill
Inn – a popular drinking spot for residents. It
seems he got lost on the way back from the
pub.
2001: GU2 radio and Lib Dem victory
The University of Surrey radio station rebranded
in 2001 and became GU2 radio, replacing GCR
(Guildford Campus Radio). Station Manager,
Gareth Davies, explained at the launch party,
“It’s been a long process but the late nights
and commitment are certainly paying off now.”
The station now heralds fascinating shows such
as ‘Twilight Riddims’, presented every Thursday
evening 9-11pm.
The Conservative Party have remained a popular
choice for generations of voters in Guildford.
However, the 2001 general election returned
a Liberal Democrat Member of Parliament.
Toryism had been defeated for the first time in
over 90 years and Sue Doughty, the Lib Dem
MP, became the borough’s first female Member
of Parliament. However, the Conservatives won
back their position in the 2005 by only 347
votes.
2002: Toilet on roof
In what seems to have been a pretty uneventful
year for Guildford, the Surrey town stole the
headlines for a brief moment when local
resident Dave returned home from a stag night
only to find his toilet stuck on the roof of his
house. Along with what seems to have been the
most outrageously awful headline of all time
- Lifting the lid on toilet humour - the house
became a celebrated tourist attraction in the
town. Dave said, “My first instinct was to rush
inside and make sure they hadn’t ripped the
toilet from the bathroom. Since then a lot of
neighbours have come round asking whether
I know there’s a toilet on top of the house.”
It turns out the prank was arranged by Dave’s
brother.
2003: Cheryl Cole accusations and Ninja
Nurse
In January 2003, Girls Aloud singer Cheryl
Cole was accused of making racial comments
to Sophie Amogbokpa, as well as punching
the toilet attendant in the face at the Drink
nightclub, now known as Harpers. Sophie told
the Sunday Mirror newspaper, “I was shocked.
I don’t care how many number ones she’s
had, if she was nobody, she shouldn’t have
said those things to me or hit me.” The pop
star denied all allegations of racial abuse,
while later being found guilty of assaulting the
nightclub worker and sentenced to complete
120 hours of unpaid community service.
The low crime rate in Guildford is probably a
reflection of its well-behaved students. And in
April 2003, student nurse Stephen Nyazika
showed his support for the community when he
disarmed a knifeman and rescued an injured
man. Stephen later received the Queen’s
Gallantry Medal for his efforts. All this and
we’re still perceived as a burden to society?
2004: Literally, nothing.
2005: Tory stronghold in Surrey
Following their high profile loss in 2003, the
Conservative party fought back to win the
Guildford borough in the 2005 elections; albeit
by only 347 votes. Guildford was the only
constituency in Surrey which wasn’t held by the
Tories before the election and interestingly, the
battle between the Conservatives’ Anne Milton
and the Lib Dems’ Sue Doughty required two
recounts because the margin was so small.
This win highlighted Surrey’s fierce opposition
to Labour and the era of Tony Blair, as well
as the obvious commercial benefits to voting
Conservative for many rich businessman living
in one of the country’s wealthiest counties.
2006: Man drowns in ditch
In very sad and bizarre circumstances, a 33
year-old man was found to have drowned in a
ditch after making a toilet stop on a family car
trip. Patrick Webster slipped into the ditch, by
the A259 in East Guildford, and was later found
dead when he didn’t return to the car. During
the inquest, pathologist Dr Stuart Barnes
explained. “I think death would have occurred
fairly quickly, possibly in a matter of seconds. If
he had fallen into the water head first on what
was a freezing cold night, he would have got
one hell of a shock. That, together with lungs
full of freshwater, would have been fatal.”
2007: Heat rise to success and grenade
found in waste
The town’s very own basketball team, Guildford
Heat, won both the BBL League and Cup
during their successful 2006-2007 campaign.
The Cup win involved a heated contest against
Scottish Rocks, which finished 81-78, while
the defining moment in the league was a
victory over London United on home soil at The
Spectrum, which finished 114-85. Heat coach
Paul James was named Molten coach of the
season for his efforts in securing the double.
Surrey residents were urged to be vigilant when
in August 2007, a hand grenade was found in
a waste site skip. The high explosive grenade,
settled alongside soil and rubbish, was
discovered by Chambers Waste Management.
According to the bomb disposal unit, the
device would have been used between 1981
and 2001 and the incident was identified
as ‘extremely rare’ by Acting Detective Chief
inspective John Cable.
Continued....

Continued.....
2008: Woolworths closes
In yet another seemingly uneventful year,
Guildford headlines were dominated by the
announced closure of its Woolworths store;
adored by many residents in the neighbourhood.
The nationwide closure of stores signalled the
loss of jobs for 27,000 staff at more than 200
6
stores. Woolworths announced its collapse in producing a replica gun and threatening he
November with £385m debt. was going to ‘start shooting people’. Surrey
police said, “Our sympathy is with the family
2009: Police shooting at Cathedral and friends of David Sycamore, who died in
such tragic circumstances, and with our officers
The town stole national headlines in 2009 and their families, for whom the traumatic
when a man was shot dead by police at effect of this type of incident should not be
Guildford Cathedral. On land also occupied underestimated.”
by the University, Stag Hill, David Sycamore
was shot by two Surrey Police officers after

Continued from Front Page....

Even with only two stores, it’s difficult not to perceive this partnership
as a monopoly control of campus catering; specifically hot beverages.
The choice available for students is continuously being reduced and
as competition deteriorates, students on campus fed up of the same
coffee will pay the price.

However, the first Starbucks store has proved very popular for many
students at Surrey. The store, which opened in 2007, receives regular
customers, rarely appears empty and feedback seems to be positive.
It represents the first licensing agreement between a University
and Starbucks, and Rupert Lawrie, director of business alliances at
Starbucks UK, said close to the time of opening the first store, “This is
a great commercial investment for the university, combining a fantastic
offer for students by providing them with somewhere recognisable from
home with an investment that will provide the University with significant
returns over the years.”

It’s no wonder the University decided to open a second store on

campus considering the projected “commercial success” of the first. the coffee stores is reinvested back into the student economy, here at
The opportunity to make money was clearly too good to turn down. Surrey. However, it would have been possible to achieve this even without
Starbucks. The franchise isn’t responsible for the commercial success;
Alongside commercial benefits, the Starbucks and Surrey partnership instead, this is the responsibility of the students. An independent coffee
provides jobs for students at the University. However, considering this store, owned and managed by individuals, is still capable of delivering
as a specific benefit to the partnership is a somewhat weak attempt to quality and commercial sustainability. The difference; students not only
improve student perception. Stores cannot operate without employees have additional choice, but they support a new business in one of the
and introducing a competing coffee store instead of Starbucks would most turbulent economic periods of our generation.
still provide valuable jobs, regardless of what company is operating on
the premises. My opinion of Starbucks coffee isn’t a secret. I think the quality of
coffee is distinctly inferior to competing stores, despite the organisation
Other stores selling coffee on campus include Sorrento and Roots. The charging similar prices. And I’m not the first to highlight the matter. In
availability of other coffee stores is a refreshing sight considering the 2009, Which? investigated the quality of coffee on our high streets by
Surreybucks partnership. However, the existence of these stores does visiting 45 stores. The Starbucks Americano was awarded 1.5 out of
not provide an excuse to open a second Starbucks on campus, as well as 5 because of the “faint coffee taste”. Whereas the Caffè Nero coffee
planning for a third at the Surrey Sports Park. Why should we put up with came out trumps and was awarded 4 out of 5.
a store selling “precisely” the same products? The sad disappointment is
reflected in the lost opportunity to improve choice and incorporate additional However, since the opening of the second Starbucks store, some
competition. As a result of the Surreybucks partnership, students are students have sung praises about the quality of coffee. Amaal Mistry
quite literally paying the price because of the University’s apparent focus and Matt Barnard, both final year Business Economics and Finance
students, described the toffee nut latte as “epic”.
on commercial success. This success should be regulated by the student
community and the union should be held partly responsible. Regardless of our opinions on how Starbucks coffee tastes, the
Surreybucks partnership is negatively affecting our choice on campus.
Despite contacting the University’s Hospitality Catering Service, I haven’t However, if you want to affect this choice, then contact the University
received a reply. I can only assume and hope the profit generated by of Surrey Students’ Union and help determine the future of campus
coffee.

Do you have a news story?

newsdeskstag@gmail.com
 77
10 of the Oddest News Stories of the Last 10 Years
by Ben Pook 5. Virgin shark gives birth in Detroit, 2002

It has been another fantastic decade for news. Journalism has increased
in speed and online technology has improved the storytelling techniques
available for writers and editors around the world. Social media tools,
such as Twitter, have enabled consumers to freely share exciting
stories, some of which are literally a few minutes old. This combination
of both speed and quality makes the future of news amazingly difficult
to comprehend.
A female white spotted shark took zookeepers at the Belle Isle Aquarium
by surprise when she gave birth to two babies – despite the virgin mother
not being near a male for six years. The mother laid a clutch of 6
eggs, which is common for the species of shark, according to National
Geographic. Instead of discarding the ‘infertile’ eggs, zookeepers
decided to leave them in the tank and 15 weeks later they hatched.

All this, yet Rupert Murdoch continues to hinder the development

of modern digital journalism, while the BBC set the fundamental
foundations which organisations will follow in years to come. Anyway,
this rant aside, the past decade has been just as compelling because
of the sheer quantity of odd news. This article gives you a glimpse of
what The Stag feels are the top ten odd news stories of the past 10
years. Enjoy.

1. Baby born pregnant in Saudi Arabia, 2008

A mother in Saudi Arabia gave birth to a baby who doctors later discovered
was born pregnant. According to Metro, the doctors discovered the
mother was pregnant with two foetuses inside her, where one of the
foetuses grew inside the other.

6. Dog drives vehicle into coffee store, 2008

Customers were left in shock at a New York coffee store, when a van
was driven directly into the front of the shop. Apparently a dog, which
was left in the van that had its engine running, accidentally knocked the
van’s controls. No-one was injured, but the Cool Beanz coffee shop was
badly damaged.

7. Man spends 100 hours in a toilet, 2007

A lawn bowling club near the Scottish city of Aberdeen was once the
scene of a distressing encounter between a man and a toilet. Reports
explain how a retired school teacher spent nearly four days trapped
inside the toilet with no food or mobile phone. 55-year-old David Leggat
relied on a survival course he had once been taught to endure the 100
hour stint.

2. Parrot reveals girlfriend’s affair, 2006 8. Crashed car found with cow in back seat, 2008

In 2006, a 30-year-old man named Chris Taylor, grew suspicious of his
girlfriend when the household parrot began saying “I love you, Gary”. His
girlfriend at the time, Suzy Collins, came clean after being confronted
with the evidence. According to MSNBC, Ziggy the 8-year-old African
gray parrot, would also make kissing noises and would mimic Collins
saying “Hiya, Gary” every time she picked up the phone.
Thieves in Malaysia were caught in the act of stealing a cow after villages
spotted the incident and set off in pursuit. The robbers eventually made
their escape; but not before crashing the vehicle into a tree, where
villagers discovered the cow squeezed into the back seat.
9. Armpit sniffer jailed for 14 years, 2008

3. Jesus found in a Kit-Kat, 2009 Armpits were the hottest topic of discussion in 2008 when a 36-year-
old man from Singapore was sentenced to 14 years in jail for sniffing
A Dutch website published an image of Jesus in a chocolate bar, after women’s armpits. The court charged the man with molestation, who
a man allegedly found the religious artefact in his Kit-Kat. The website sniffed a total of 23 armpits in locations including lifts and staircase
asked for submissions of bizarre and holy relics. Talking to the Dutch buildings.
website, the finder said “I was amazed. I just took a bite and then I saw
the face of Christ in it”. 10. 13 golf balls found in dog, 2008

4. Driver replaces child with beer crate, 2008 A concerned dog owner was startled when his rattling dog was found to
have eaten 13 golf balls. The black Labrador had the balls removed from
After purchasing a 30-can crate of beer, an Aussie man chose to use a his stomach in an hour-long operation. The balls belonged to Pitreavie
seatbelt to secure the cans and leave his unrestrained child on the floor golf course in Dunfermline, Fife.
of his vehicle. Police were “shocked and appalled” when they discovered
the man, who was later fined 750 Australian dollars.
 8
%

&."/% What Santa Would Do
5)&
0''*$*"-
456%&/5
-*'&45:-&
$"3%

&
953" If He Was Real....

Here is a harsh fact that we all had to learn
at some point. I was 7 years old when I
found it out. I was opening a present (spare
made for roofs. This was never going to end
pretty.

SNES controller) that had the words "from Cause Aviary Genocide
Santa" on it. I needed a spare controller - I'd Birds were made for roofs. Santa has to land
chewed through the last, don't ask - and I on a roof every nanosecond and time is of
was happy to receive it, but something stung the essence. So he's probably not choosy
me slightly. I realised that Santa had the ex- about his spot. Thus there would be a birdy
act same handwriting as my Mum and thus bloodbath.
confirming my suspicion that Santa prob-
ably didn't exist. Gosh darn. Need A Sharp Legal Team
He would be making about a million PS3s
But I got thinking recently what Santa would and giving them away for free this year. Sony
do if he was real: wouldn't take that lying down. The Elves
would have to have 'he got OJ off' legal skills
Rob You to fight his corner.
He visits billions of homes every year. He's
human so temptation would take hold at Never Give You A Pony
some point. Like most people, Santa probably hates Po-
nies.
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Sleds, Reindeers and Obese men weren't by Andy Vale
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Travel to......
Polk County, North Carolina, USA
Christmas is creeping upon us now, so I thought it would be interesting whole town looks like an enchanted winter fantasy, so beautiful, covered
to write about a typical Christmas town that seems only to exist in in glittering snow. Everyone goes round each other’s house delivering
movies. toffee, cookies, chocolate covered apples, candy-canes, everything. If
you don’t take part in their generous nature, the old people snare at
Tryon is a little town in Polk County, North Carolina, USA. For those you.
of you who have never travelled to small town USA, it basically looks
like the towns in the shows Gilmore Girls or One Tree Hill. It is small, ‘Why do people so love to wander? I think the civilized parts
but charming and everybody knows each other’s business, (population of the world will suffice for me in the future’- Mary Cassatt
1,700). The town emblem 1911.
is a giant wooden toy horse
- completely pointless - in The few children in the town re-enact the scene of the baby Jesus in
the middle of the town. His the manger, in a little Episcopal church in the town centre; so quaint
name is Morris. Don’t mess and delicate but every year it’s exactly the same. I guess that adds to
with Morris. A young ‘funny’ the town’s sacred tradition. I’d have to say the best ceremony in church
teen spray-painted ‘Morris was when my 25 year old brother got kicked out for sticking a cross on
is a whore-riss’ one year an old bald guy’s head that fell asleep. He isn’t allowed back.
on the horse and the old
people tried to put him in Tryon is a little forgotten town that will never lose its charm. It’s a
jail. Seriously don’t mess. home to WWII vets. It is a little taste of what old southern hospitality is.
According to my grandmother, our family used to help run away slaves
The majority of the people there are elderly and quite entertaining. I by providing them stay in our house, but then again my grandmother is
remember meeting my grandmother’s friend one summer, an 89 year a compulsive liar so that’s probably bull. The idea is pretty cool though.
old woman, and the following summer my brother and I went up to her Anyway, if you ever have the impulse to visit a little town nestled in the
in the supermarket to say hi. I have never seen an old person wobble middle of nowhere but absolutely beautiful and untouched, go to Tryon,
so fast. We were literally the only young people there, and this lady with especially at Christmas. They do have lovely parades and candy. They
Alzheimer’s, forgetting who we were, assumed we were going to rob even have a fat Santa who looks as close as the real thing. So go, I
her. promise it will be a laugh!

Anyway, because it is so small, Christmas is the event of the year. The by Elizabeth Pettigrew
 9
“When she described her underwear, I forgot all
the rules my rabbi taught me in the old school”
Welcome to what might be the dirtiest part of this fortnight’s edition
of The Stag. I suggest you cover the eyes of whatever young ones
may be around… and their ears. In fact you should just lock them in
another room altogether because ‘Fetish’ is in the air boys and girls,
and it sounds like heavy breathing along with bare flesh and smells like
perfume, sweat, alcohol and partly mince pies at the moment.
Okay so you all had to walk the monumental extra mile to the union
and queue at what seemed like a ridiculous hour in the morning to get
a ticket but the truth is we all know it’s going to be worth it, because
this is Fetish we’re talking about. A night to become whatever figment
of your darkest imagination you can come up with. Before we break
up for Christmas and lose all bearing on what work we may or may not
have done over the term, there must be time for one more night of the
upmost debauchery. Let’s face it - after we leave the biggest things on
our minds will include lie-ins and presents, but I doubt so much of the
kinky parties (unless your family is like that). So it’s time to cast your
thoughts into that back room of your mind you usually only venture into
when you’re alone and drag back a costume the likes of which all your
fellow students will blush to gaze upon. Unfortunately with only three
days remaining to bring together a costume I find myself drawing a bit
of a blank. Suffice to say Campus Boy does not own his very own PVC
gimp suit lying around to stroll over to the union in.
Which then began to beg the question, what exactly does fill the
fantasies of us boys and girls of the present age? Do girls still fall
head over heels for the men in uniform? Are the guys still drawn to the
playboy bunny like moths to a house fire? Will Santa Claus be putting
in an appearance with a reindeer on a leash? Well I decided to do a
little investigative work into exactly what people are planning to dress
up as on Friday to get some answers. Unfortunately no one seemed
to have any truly bizarre costume projects they were working on (that
they would confess in a group anyway). There were quite a few girls
however planning to wear various uniforms from sailors to Rambo-esque
guerrilla fighters. So perhaps the years have caused a role reversal on
who exactly goes for the uniform? Interesting still was one conversation
I came across earlier this week where I found it strange exactly how
many guys find the ‘Hermione Granger’ fantasy appealing. I don’t know
if it’s the ginger hair, school uniform or the general high intelligence but
dudes, it’s whatever floats your boat. Indeed I’m sure however anyone
chooses to appear, no sailor, dominatrix, Bo Peep nor human vibrator
will be disappointed. From what I’ve heard of costume ideas so far this
year will definitely not be one to miss.
Then looking ahead after dragging yourselves through the hangovers
and the last two weeks of term we all get to return to our homelands for
family festivities. Now everyone has their own ideas about when exactly
Christmas starts, for myself it’s the moment the Coca-Cola lorry appears
on our TV sets and St Nicholas tells me the “holidays are coming”. But
no matter how much I do love Christmas. People, December the first is
not an acceptable time to start playing your Christmas hits CD! I mean
I’m no scrooge by any rate but I’ve already had the urge to break several
stereos over their owner’s heads, trip up a couple of sporadic groups
of Christmas carollers and we’re only two days into the month! I am
grateful though we can manage to come up with some relatively new
featuresdeskstag@gmail.com
Christmas songs. Currently I’m
repeatedly humming The night
Santa went crazy as the newest
song stuck in my head. Oddly
disturbing how when Santa
comes in “with a twinkle in his
eye as he said Merry Christmas
to all – now you’re all gonna
die”. Thank you Weird Al.
Sometimes I don’t know how
we all seem to have so much
fun at Christmas. It seems to
be downhill from the moment
you find out the big guy in
red doesn’t really come down
your chimney in the middle of
the night and leave presents
under your tree, which
Campus Boy
in reality is a good thing
considering the logistics. I mean how long would it take before children
started reporting Santa as a burglar? Surely everyone remembers the
point at which they realised Santa wasn’t real (my apologies if reading
this is that point). I had the misfortune of discovering every fairytale
creature I held with such high esteem was a myth in the same horrible
night. One evening after losing another milk tooth I developed what
I then considered to be an ingenious plan. When this tiny tooth fairy
came into my room to claim another of my teeth and leave a measly
50p piece in its place, I would spring like a ninja (this being my future
career plan) stunning her with a pillow to the face before overpowering
her and claiming a good few pounds extra pocket money. Much to my
horror when I sprang my trap that night and all I managed to do was
anger a bleary eyed fairy 20 times the size of what I was expecting,
who also had an uncanny resemblance of my father. This faux fairy
then proceeded the next morning over interrogation to confess it was
all a cruel trick. That the tooth fairy did not exist, nor the Easter Bunny,
Father Christmas or any other creature I could come up with. I still held
out on the whole werewolves, vampires, yetis creatures idea because
I was convinced my parents were obviously too boring to have looked
hard enough, and because J.K Rowling would never lie to me. This
was back when Christmas time was literally the best time of your life.
Nowadays, you’re lucky if the relatives are computer-savvy enough to
know how to operate a hyperlink on your neatly designer computer
Christmas list. Still, despite the consistent and wholly inevitable family
bickering, I will enjoy the time off with comfortable chairs, egg nog and
maybe even a little snow if were lucky, because let’s be honest, we’re
all still six years old at heart.
Anyway that’s enough from me for this term. I will see you all in the new
year. This is Campus Boy signing off for his Christmas holiday!
C.B
P.S Did anyone else only recently discover that Donner and Blitzen are
German for thunder and lightning? I always thought Santa needed
names that rhymed so just started making them up!

A Super Secret
Day in the Life of......
What time do you usually wake up?
Usually long after my alarm goes off
What kind of cereal do you prefer?
I don’t like cereal; more toast, croissants or
pink grapefruit mmmmm
Are you doing a course which is creative,
scientific, or business related?
My course is one of the human sciences
Team Jacob or Team Edward?
Oh I’m Team Alice. Ashley Greene is Stunning!
What colour is your umbrella?
I don’t own one, I laugh in the face of rain…
and then tend to get drenched
Which football team do you support?
I don’t watch football
Which of Shakespeare’s plays is your
favourite?
Probably A Midsummer Nights Dream
What is the most embarrassing thing
that has ever happened to you?
10
Roller skating through a greenhouse window
Call or text?
I prefer calling, speaking to someone is more
personal, plus I text longhand anyway, I can’t
stand it when people start shortening three
syllable words into two letters
Friends or How I Met Your Mother?
Pearl.
How I Met Your Mother
When is your birthday?
Angelina Jolie or Jennifer Aniston?
Now that would be telling
Angelina Jolie! Seriously anyone who doesn’t
Do you ever plan on revealing your
agree needs to watch Wanted. Not the best
identity?
film but AJ is hot.
Where would be the fun in that?
Do you enjoy the new science section of
The Stag? What is a standard day in the life of CB?
I did like the science behind fireworks!! I’d guess not too different from most people. I
start my morning by climbing down from hanging
Which of the union nights is your
upside down from the rail in the closet, proceed to
favourite?
race my housemates for the shower, rush some
ill conceived breakfast (tea is compulsory). Then
I prefer the nights that have live bands.
I’ll walk to campus on a weekday and go to my
What is your favourite movie of the lectures etc. Go to work after if i’m working that
decade? day. Then usually spending the evening reading
or watching rubbish TV and eating takeaway
Well my personal favourite films all come from with the housemates. Always good times!
the 90s but of the noughties I’m gonna go with
the first Pirates film The Curse of the Black
11
STUDENT FASHION FILES
Hi guys, we’re back with our second issue- packed with lots of Christmas/ New Year
FAVOURITE FASHION
themed mini features! We have gift ideas for him and her, our favourite shop for party
QUOTE OF THE WEEK:
outfits and our top 5 style stars for 2009! But that’s not all... we also have our style
“Fashion fades, style is
stars and trends to look out for in 2010, a gorgeous party outfit in our ‘We’re loving!’
eternal”
section and a brand new section for men’s fashion! Plus one of our best kept
- Yves Saint Laurent
secrets- a website where you can hire actual celebrity designer dresses for a fraction
of the price!
Contact:
We hope you enjoy reading this issue as much as we did creating it! Have a If you would like to make
wonderful Christmas and a very happy New Year! See you in 2010, love Nisha and any comments or have
Christie x any views on this issue
please contact us by e –

WE’RE
mail. We would also
really appreciate any
suggestions for future
LOVING... issues. Thank you
Christie and Nisha xx

CHRISTMAS cc00206@surrey.ac.uk

SPECIAL! na00107@surrey.ac.uk

Christmas, it’s that special time of year again when we can all push the boat out and go that extra mile with our
outfits! Whether it’s for an evening out, special Christmas party or work do, we all look for an outfit with that special
something, maybe more glamorous with a bit of sparkle to it..... Well do we have a Christmas Cracker for you!

This dress (seen opposite) is from the shop that never lets a girl down- TOPSHOP! At £65.00 we admit it’s a little more
pricey than a normal evening outfit, but Christmas only comes once a year  Don’t forget you also get 10% off as a
student at TOPSHOP making this sparkling stunner a sweet £58.50! This dress is a beautiful nude colour that will suit
most skin tones and with a shower of stunning on trend sequins, you can’t go wrong!

Our tips for styling this dress:

 The dress is definitely the centre piece of your outfit so keep the accessories minimal!
 We suggest this gold Brocade bangle £7.00 from Accessorize (also seen opposite) worn half way up your arm
and add on a ring of your choice!
 Metallic peep toe pumps or gold strappy heels will complete your stunning look!
 Hair + Make-up- Tumbling curls will give you some Hollywood glamour, making you the centre of attention!
Make up should also be minimal, try matte eyelids with a slick of black liquid eyeliner on your top lash line and
a volume enhancing mascara for luscious lashes! Peachy blush on your cheeks should do the trick with a
sweep of bronzer across your hairline, down your nose and in the hollows of your cheeks! Add in some glossy
nude lips and you’ll be raring to go!
 Paint nails similar to this pretty, shimmery, sheer colour from Nails Inc. and you’re all set party all night long!

Extra tip: Add on a metallic belt to cinch in and define your waist if you want to!
 12
Student shop: Boot-y-licious!
Boots are always a staple of any autumn/ winter wardrobe and come in many different fits, lengths
and sizes. This season however over-the-knee boots were all the rage at A/W 09 catwalks and we
love them! Seen on celebrities from Shakira, to Miley Cyrus to Lauren Conrad, these boots are
catching on fast- even on the red carpet! Layer them over leggings with a dress and long cardigan for
a cute daytime option, or pair them with dark skinny jeans and a cosy jumper for a chic lecture outfit.
Opt for suede for a softer, more toned down version of this growing trend! Take a look at the
celebrities emulating this trend and our favourite high street pick for just £35.00 (£31.50 with 10%
discount) from New Look!

Miley Cyrus pairs Ex-Hills star Shakira takes her

her leather boots Lauren Conrad leather boots to
with shorts, a wears her suede the red carpet in
long silver top boots with a this daring outfit
and statement black boyfriend (dress by
necklace to blazer and cosy Balmain) that
make a fun, scarf, for a gives her a true
young outfit! casual and ‘rock chick’ vibe!
comfortable
shopping outfit!

NEW YEAR FASHIONS- SPRING 2010

MENS FASHION
The military
The military shape has always been a big fashion trend for the
colder months; but for Autumn /Winter 2009-2010 designers
such as Gareth Pugh, Alexander McQueen, John Galliano and
Burberry have modified the combat uniform from the past to
the now. Gareth Pugh, had one of the most unusual
menswear collections by bringing in inspiration from the likes
of German officer overcoats (WW2) to the metal chain mail
suits that were worn under suits of armour. Here’s how you
can get the look from the high street:
Although we’re still in Autumn/ Winter 2009 and enjoying the trends it has
to offer, designers around the globe debuted their Spring/ Summer 2010
collections at the recent fashion weeks for fashionistas everywhere to look
forward to! In this section we bring you a summarised low-down of what
Spring will have to offer us! We’re also saying goodbye to the 80’s in
fashion- the 70’s are coming back with a twist on feminine, minimalist
chic!
Trends to look out for:
 Underwear as outerwear- From peek-a-boo bras under sheer or lace tops to
wearing a bra as a top, this is set to be a massive trend in spring 2010! If you’re
brave enough look for ‘Bra- Tops’ that look vintage and are made out of soft fabrics
such as satin or silk in neutral/ pastel shades! Feeling dramatic? Try a neutral all
sequin bra top with high waisted shorts/ skirt and a blazer! This trend has been seen
in the collections of designers such as: Dolce & Gabanna, Fendi, Marc Jacobs,
Christian Dior and Jean Paul Gaultier.
 Epaulettes- Dramatic shoulders and military styles have been seen in the
collections of many designers!
 Fringing- This season trends reports, according to Vogue magazine, have shown that
fringing will be more of a ‘cowboy style’ and will not be as ‘delicate’ as seen before.
 Knotting- This trend has been seen in the Spring collections of Burberry and even in
high street store River Island! Knotting adds an interesting texture and dimension to
any outfit and has been seen on skirts and dresses in soft colours such as baby
pinks and blues (pastels and soft colours are extremely popular in Spring!)

Other trends to look forward to will include:

 Deconstruction- seen in collections by Jil Sander, Fendi and Balmain

Charcoal coat- Topman £70.00
(£63.00 with 10% student
Black Wool Coat- Burton £75.00
(£67.50 with 10% student
 Genie pants- seen in collections by Stella McCartney, Ralph Lauren, Louis Vuitton
 Jumpsuits- seen in collections by Roland Mouret and Lanvin
 Lower heels- seen in collections by Marni, Chloe, Calvin Klein, Marc Jacobs,
Missoni
 Statement necklaces- seen in collections by Vera Wang, Dries van Norton and
Temperly London
 Pinstripes- seen in collections by Ralph Lauren, Cavalli and Vivienne Westwood Red
Label
 Ruffles- seen in collections by Chloe, Christopher Kane, Lanvin, Fendi and Valentino
 Vintage- seen in collections by Roberto Cavalli, Fendi and Ralph Lauren
 White ensembles- seen in collections by YSL, Fendi and Calvin Klein
 Yellow- seen collections by Zac Posen, Stella McCartney and Louis Vuitton

discount) discount)
13
GREAT GIFTS FOR HER
With Christmas just around the corner we have
come up with some great girly gifts to give to
your fashionable friends! Girls Aloud have all
designed their own favourite Eylure eyelashes
and for just £25 from Boots, you can buy the
gift set along with an eyelash carrying case! This
Christmas, Nails Inc. are celebrating our beloved
show ‘The Hills’ by bringing us this adorable set
of nail polishes in raspberry red, dark teal, neon
pink and indigo all based on the show; the set can be purchased for just
£20. Nails Inc. nail varnishes normally retail at £10.50 each, making
this set a bargain at £5 a nail varnish! Christmas just would not be
Christmas without receiving a sparkling new bottle of perfume, we have
chosen the classic Miss Dior Cherie which can be found in almost any
department store or perfume shop. Marks and Spencer is such a
brilliant place to find really cute and reasonably priced gifts. We have picked out a floral jewellery holder for
£18, it’s practical and adds a nice touch to a girly bedroom. Finally, for the fashion fanatics, The September
Issue. This film takes the viewer inside the world of Vogue (USA) and its editor-in-chief, Anna Wintour. This
DVD can be bought on Amazon for just £10.

WINTER WARMERS - GIFTS FOR HIM

1
. 1. ALL SAINTS gift voucher- The
perfect present for any man as
ALL SAINTS offer a wide range of
clothing and accessories in

2 3 4 5 various different styles!

2. DIOR HOMME SPORT- This
. . . . fragrance is a great gift idea as it
is light and not over-whelming; it
is advertised as being ‘The
essence of modern man’!
3. DOUBLE-BREASTED KNIT
CARDIGAN -TOPMAN- £40.00
(£36.00 with 10% student discount): This makes a stylish gift guaranteed to keep him warm during the cold
winter months!
4. WHITE JERSEY STRIPE SCARF- TOPMAN £12.00 (£10.80 with 10% student discount): This stripy scarf is a
true winter warmer that will make any plain outfit more interesting!
5. MILITARY COAT- TOPMAN £70.00 (£63.00 with 10% student discount): Military coats have always been
fashionable and suit almost any male body shape, making it a fabulous gift idea for him!

Dreaming of a White Christmas…
…Just like the ones you used to know? Well it’s
possible that snow on Christmas day could happen,
with science!
On 1st November 2009 it snowed in Beijing, China.
This may not seem like a big deal, however it is the
earliest Beijing has witnessed snow since 1987.
More impressive than the earliness of the snowfall
is the cause behind it; this snowfall was not an
effect of nature, but a planned scientific campaign.
This campaign caused a massive 16 million cubic
metres of snow to fall in Beijing.
But the question is: how can scientists make it
snow, and why bother doing it? The answer is a
process known as “cloud seeding” and the reason
for it is due to the Beijing area currently undergoing
a prolonged drought.
So, how does cloud seeding work? Cloud seeding
is a process by which silver iodide particles are
added to the atmosphere by either being launched
up from the ground or dropped by aircraft. The
silver iodide particles increase condensation in the
atmosphere, which adds to cloud formation. Water
droplets in the clouds freeze and cause an updraft;
this updraft brings more moisture to the clouds
increasing their size. If the water droplets freeze to
heavy enough ice pieces it begins to snow. It is by
this method that Chinese scientists claim to have
made it snow.
Cloud seeding is a popular process used in attempts
to influence the weather. Many countries have
attempted the process for many different reasons.
China has used cloud seeding before the recent
attempt to make it snow. In the summer of 2008,
before the Beijing Olympics, cloud seeding was
used to clear pollution from the air in the city and
prevent rainfall during the opening ceremony.
Drought is one of the main reasons for which
cloud seeding is used. As well as China, countries
such as India, Australia and the USA have used
the process to overcome dry weather conditions.
The USA has also used it for safety reasons; these
include clearing fog around airports and reducing
the size of hailstones. Hailstones can reach sizes
greater than that of golf balls and it only takes ones
with a diameter of around 13mm to cause serious
damage to aeroplanes, so reducing this risk is very
important.
Following the Chernobyl nuclear power plant disaster
in 1986 in Ukraine, the Russian Air Force seeded
clouds above Belarus to remove radioactive particles
from the clouds before they reached Moscow and
other large cities in Russia. In protecting these
cities over 4,000 square miles of Belarus were
subjected to rain containing radioactive material.
However, this did save millions of people in the
highly populated cities. Despite this, Moscow has
never admitted to the cloud seeding taking place.
14
The Mayor of Moscow declared earlier this year that
this winter would be one without snow in Moscow.
To make this happen, the Russian Air Force has
been seeding clouds upwind of the city and plans
to continue doing so all winter.
You would imagine that trying to control nature
like this would have some serious environmental
impacts, however studies have failed to show any
evidence of detrimental environmental effects due
to cloud seeding. The silver iodide is distributed in
only ultra-trace quantities over the target area, and
the additional surface run-off from rain and snowfall
has not been large enough to measure above the
natural level.
There is one amusing effect of cloud seeding
however. In the summer of 2008 the Russian Air
Force were attempting to seed clouds with bags of
cement mixed with silver iodide. One of these bags
failed to pulverise in the air and fell onto a house
leaving a large hole in the roof. Luckily, no one was
hurt in the incident.
In short, it’s possible to make it snow; you just
need the right equipment. Unfortunately however,
after the snow you’ll still be left with the horrible ice
and sludge the next day!
This leaves us with one final question. What should
you ask for from Father Christmas this year to
guarantee getting white Christmas? You’re list
should definitely include an aeroplane, a pilot,
canisters of silver iodide and a little bit of luck for it
to be cold enough to snow!
by Chris Poll

WOOSH! Mentos in Coke

Last Thursday, a group of hardcore scientists and engineers met by chance atmospheric pressure in a bubble 0.000001 meters in diameter! A law known
on PATS field, to do some big science, that is, the amazing diet coke fountain as Henry’s law says that solubility of gases increases with increasing pressure,
you can seen on the latest episode of MAD TV (just go to youtube.com/ so usually the gas bubbles would just re-dissolve into the coke, but not when
madtvsurrey). there is a nucleation site!

So we all know the experiment: you drop a pack of Mentos into a 2 litre bottle of Diet The reason for this is that the tiny bumps on the Mentos surface are hydrophobic
Coke, and woosh up it all goes, making a big sticky mess all over the surrounding area. - they don’t like water but water molecules like to be next to other water
But how does it work? Well once again, we in the science room are gonna molecules, so basically anything that you drop into the soda that disrupts the
explain as best we can. network of water molecules can act as a growth site for bubbles.

When this YouTube phenomenon began, scientists were puzzled. What could
be doing it? The original theory was that the chemicals responsible for the
reaction were gum arabic and gelatine in the sweets, and caffeine, potassium
benzoate and aspartame in the Coke. Where did they get this preposterous
hypothesis? Nobody knows, but we do know that it’s wrong. So after hours of
research, experiments, tea breaks and power naps, I can reveal the source
of this magic!!!
At the most basic level, Coke is phosphoric acid, sugar, carbon dioxide and
water, held in suspension, and what we see is carbon dioxide bubbles breaking
out of solution, and pushing everything else out while the escape. So what
triggers it?
If you look at a Mento, you will notice it does not have a smooth surface,
it has ridges and bumps all over it, and these groves and dips act as what
scientist call nucleation sites, that is carbon dioxide molecules latch onto
these sites, and band together until there are enough of them to form bubbles.
These bubbles have a massive pressure within them, about 30 times the
Mentos are also relatively heavy and sink rapidly; quickly creating bubbles that
help make further bubbles as they rise. Crushed Mentos that fell more slowly
created naff fountains that only travelled about 30 centimetres!
You can see a similar effect when you have a pint. Beer glasses are made with
tiny scratches on the inside of your glass that act as nucleation sites, though
obviously to a lesser extent than Mentos, and these tiny scratches promote
carbon dioxide bubbles so you get the perfect head on your frosty beer.
That’s it, now you know. It’s a bit exciting isn’t it? And you can do it at home,
all you need is a 2 litre bottle of soda (Diet coke works best), a pack of
Mentos (fruit or mint) and a very large open space. Please don’t do it in your
kitchen, the cleaners will like you even less than they do already! Impress
your mum/dad/friends/prospective lovers with your highly superior knowledge
of experimental physics!
by David Pugh
 15
The Big Science Tour of Britain!
So here we are then, December 2009. I bet you’re all saying to your friends,
didn’t the year go quick or was that just me? It was just you, the rest of us
have lived through another 365 days, just like we did last year, and the year
before!
Christmas is here, and no matter how excited you are about Santa’s
impending visit, I know that you’re really thinking “Oh my days, it’s eight
weeks before the next issue of The Stag! Where will I go for my fortnightly
science fix, what will I do Dave, what will I do!!!”
Fear not dear reader, I have travelled up and down our glorious nation to find
you places close to home where science comes alive! Visit them over the
Christmas break; go on, you know you wanna.
Cambridge
Situated not too far north of London, Cambridge is where modern physics
really came alive. Scientists have been studying here for over 900 years, and
as you’d expect, there’s a lot to visit. Make your first stop The Apple Tree,
Trinity College, This is the very tree below which Sir Isaac Newton formulated
his theory of gravitation over 300 years ago. The tale goes that young Isaac
was sitting under the tree, doing some maths or something, and an apple
fell off the tree and hit him on the head. This simple fact means that literally
dozens of people every year visit the site to marvel at a piece of history!
I’m sure after the long walk to the birthplace of gravity your feeling like a
pint and some grub, so head over to The Eagle pub, where at lunchtime on
February 28th 1953, scientists James Watson and Francis Crick announced
their discovery of Deoxyribonucleic acid (DNA). The pub serves typical
pub food, £2 pints and on a nice day, you can sit in the beer garden that
overlooks some of the beautiful architecture of the city. If you’ve still got time
after all that, walk along to The Old Cavendish laboratory, the very lab where
these two boffins discovered the very molecules that make you different from
everyone else in the whole world!
London
If you’re staying in Guildford, or not
too far away, why not go for a trip
into London, head on over to South
Kensington where you can experience
the delights of The Science Museum,
which houses over 300,000 items
from the last 800 years of scientific
discovery, including the first jet
engine, a lot of spaceships and the
first ever calculator! There’s also
an IMAX cinema, where you can
watch a variety of 3-D films. Once you’ve had your fill of rockets, planes
and other delights in the Science Museum, cross the road and go to the
Natural History Museum, where you will find dinosaurs, more dinosaurs,
bugs, whales, loads of animals, an earthquake simulator, and my personal
favourite, a really really big tree, seriously, this tree is huge!
Just opened at the Natural History Museum is the new Darwin Centre,
which holds animal specimen, collected from all over the world, including
an 8 meter long giant squid! Entry to both museums is free, so you have no
excuse to not go!
The West Midlands
So we’re travelling a bit further north
now, to Thinktank Birmingham, where
you can find out all about the West
Midlands industrial history, with
exhibits on the trains, planes and
automobiles that have been used
throughout history. There is also a
planetarium, where you can gaze
up at the stars, and a section on
sciencedeskstag@gmail.com
the body, where you can gaze at your guts. No trip to the West Midlands is
complete without a trip to Ironbridge. This ferric masterpiece crosses the
River Severn in the town of Ironbridge, and has been there since 1779!
This really was the birthplace of the industrial revolution, before the bridge,
you would have had to get a boat or even swim to cross the river, not any
more my friends, you can cross and be completely dry. The bridge is now a
UNESCO World Heritage Site and features a Victorian town, with costumed
staff portraying Victorian life and a weekly demonstration of ironwork!
On a completely unrelated note, if you happen to be in this area for any
length of time, make sure you visit Cadbury World, for no reason other than
it’s awesome!
Scotland
Aye, Scotland, were going quite a bit
north now, to the National Museum of
Scotland, where in addition to a large
collection of kilts and shortbread, you
will find the final resting place of the first
animal cloned from an adult cell: Dolly
the Sheep. Dolly, it turns out, is not just
the first cloned animal; she is the first
stuffed cloned animal. Oddly, the world
has yet to see the first cloned stuffed
animal. You can also find a 9 metre
barometer and artefacts from the history of Scotland, and postcards of Mel
Gibson as Braveheart.
The South West
If you happen to be in Cornwall over Christmas, don’t miss a trip to the
Porthcurno Telegraph Museum, where in 1870, the world’s first underwater
telephone cable was laid, linking England to India, and us to call centres
on the other side of the world! A message could be sent from London
to Bombay in 4 minutes! By 1885 there was 48,000 km of undersea
cables linking us to all parts of the empire. At the museum you can see
instruments, cables and other engineering delights and learn about really
old submarines. If you pass through Bristol, take a look at SS Great Britain,
built in 1843, it’s a pretty big boat, and you can take a free maritime
archaeologist tour!
Spending Christmas abroad? Try one of these international science
hotspots...
The Smithsonian Institute, Washington DC, USA - A collection of 21
museums, with themes ranging from fine art to space travel.
CERN, Geneva, Switzerland - Birthplace of the internet, and the first
place in the world to have produced antimatter, as well as home to the
world’s biggest experiment, the LHC.
Akihabara, Tokyo, Japan - An electric town with more gadgets than you
can throw an iPhone at!
Jantar Mantar Observatory, Jaipur, India - Home to the world’s biggest
sundial (over 27 meters high)!
So there we go, Scientific adventure is out there! Merry Christmas, and a
Happy New Year to you all.
by David Pugh
 16
The Chemistry after the Night Before – Can You Prevent A
Hangover?
by Sophie Bryant

So you’re sitting in that morning lecture, with a dry mouth, a throbbing

head, a churning stomach, and ringing in your ears, but how did you
get there? And more importantly, how can you stop it happening again
next week?

Let’s run through the chain of events that got you into this state…
science style! mean that the relative alcohol concentration in your blood is higher.
Start on the water about now, you’ll thank me in the morning.
5.00pm Get home from lectures – there’s not a lot of time for dinner
when you’ve got to get ready for the big night, so you go for the quick 3.00am Arrive home – your keys magically appear, although the lock
option, and only have a small meal. seems smaller than usual, and you somehow manage to locate your
bed. Kicking off your shoes is enough preparation, and you fall into your
Next time, eat something! A full stomach means you absorb alcohol pillows immediately.
slower and more steadily, so your body won’t get overloaded.
Next time, drink some water before bed! A major cause of the hangover
7.00pm Drinking commences – you start consuming, and that small is dehydration, so avoid it in advance by quickly downing a glass of
dinner means the alcohol is absorbed from your stomach quicker. A water when you get in.
round of shots inexplicably appears on the table, (you won’t ask what
of) and you find yours is empty before you know it. Ethanol is able to 5.00am Fast asleep– the enzyme aldehyde dehydrogenase-2 (ALDH2)
permeate most cell membranes, meaning it’s able to spread into all converts the ethanol in your system into acetaldehyde. This is a
areas of the body, including gaps between brain cells! chemical which is classified as “harmful” and “irritant”. Some research
also suggests it may be a carcinogen.
Next time, don’t drink so quickly! The body can’t remove it as quickly as
you’re adding it, so levels increase, interfering with neurotransmitters in Next time… sorry, that’s just what the body does! As the day progresses,
the brain that control all your body’s processes - this is when you start your body will break down the acetaldehyde into less harmful chemicals,
feeling drunk. Try to pace yourself to give your body a chance to process but in the mean time, you won’t feel amazing.
the ethanol.
9.45am Wake up – your head is pounding, but you focus on the clock
9.00pm Drinking continues – After that small dinner, you munch on and realise you’re supposed to be in a lecture at 10. Throwing on the
peanuts or crisps at the pub. The high salt content in these makes you closest clothes to hand, you dash out the door, trying to stay upright.
feel thirstier, and so you reach for a cold, refreshing pint to solve it. Then there you sit, with a dry mouth, a throbbing head, a churning
As you continue to add more alcohol to your system, it causes slower stomach, and ringing in your ears.
reactions, worse coordination, blurred vision and dizziness. Your heart
rate increases, and vasodilation (expanding of the blood vessels in the Next time, try and make it up in time for breakfast. Scientists recommend
skin) makes you feel warmer. honey on toast, as it replenishes sugars, sodium and potassium,
which the body needs to help recovery. Eggs are also recommended,
Next time, avoid quenching thirst with alcohol, it only dehydrates you! for the cysteine they contain, an amino acid which counteracts the
Try spacing out the alcohol with soft drinks to avoid this. acetaldehyde. Combine this with orange juice or water – avoid coffee,
as the caffeine will only dehydrate you more!
11.00pm Enter the Union – Good old Rubix! You stumble in with… wait,
do you know them? Never mind, you hit the dance floor and start to You might not be able to avoid a hangover completely, but following
strut your stuff. It’s a bit warm (not helped by your incredible moves) simple steps can help you to minimise them.
and you start to sweat. Squeezing your way out of the crowd, you head
to the toilets, then onto the bar – a swift bottle should refresh you Alcohol has a variety of other health effects which are much worse than
enough to get back out there. those you feel the morning after; oral cancer, reduced fertility in men
and women, high blood pressure and osteoporosis might make you
Next time, I thought I told you, alcohol dehydrates you! It acts as a think twice before that next big binge, and not just because there’s a
diuretic (makes you pee), and the lowered levels of water in your system 9am start the next day.

Is there a big experiment

you’d like to see on campus?
E-mail your ideas to sciencedeskstag@gmail.com
 17
Vegemite versus Marmite:
Do you speak-a my language?
There has always been a strong rivalry between
Britons and Australians in everything from cricket
to breakfast spreads. Recently, and for a limited
time, the world’s first Marmite shop was opened
in London’s Regent Street. Now the knives are
out in the debate over which brand is the most
favoured.
For those of you unfamiliar with the condiments,
both Marmite and Vegemite are made from yeast
extract. They have a very strong savoury flavour
and are usually spread thinly with butter on bread,
toast and crackers.
Marmite is the traditional British rival to the
ardently adored Australian Vegemite. A partiality
towards Marmite is usually regarded as a binary
exclusive—you either love it or hate it. It has been
endorsed by Briton’s favourite bear, Paddington,
and the BBC has even reported a woman once
finding the image of Jesus Christ on the underside
of her lid.
Vegemite is an Australian cultural icon, with a
home in nine out of ten pantries in Australia. An
average of 235 jars are manufactured in Australia
per minute, and thirty jars are sold nationally for
every one that is exported. Although Vegemite
is an Australian product, it is also conveniently
available in the UK from Tesco and Sainsburys.
As a journalist, I feel I must stay impartial in the
Great ‘Mite Debate, but today I’m also a chef so
I can tell you that Vegemite is best in this recipe
(you may substitute with Marmite if necessary).
by Stephanie Davies

Very Vegemite Croissants 1. Preheat oven.

2. Melt the butter in a pan and scramble your eggs over a medium
heat. Add mixed herbs or chives if wanted.
Ingredients: Butter Vegemite/Marmite
3. While making the eggs, put your croissants in the oven for 2-3
3 eggs 2 croissants minutes.

Sliced ham Salt and pepper 4. Carefully split croissants in half and spread with a small amount of
Vegemite and butter. Top with scrambled eggs and ham. Season.

This Woman Is One Of The Best Student Radio Presenters In The Country
Yes, she’s standing on a table at an who likes to chat and have fun then get in contact about filling one!
awards ceremony and wearing trainers.
But GU2’s Josie Standbrook had just Listen to us: www.GU2.co.uk or 1350am
won Silver in the Best Female category Email/msn the studio: Studio@GU2.co.uk
at the UK Student Radio Awards. This Text the studio: 07575 073 400 (add it to your phonebook too!)
is GU2’s best result in seven years and
is even more special considering she
by Andy Vale
started only 6 months ago. The Student
Radio Awards were held at The Indigo2
in London and were hosted by Scott
Mills, Greg James and Fearne Cotton.
After the awards we were treated to a
fun DJ off between the best of Radio 1
and the best of Commercial Radio. You
can hear GI Josie on The Redemption
Session at 9-11pm on Sunday nights.

We do have other news, but to be honest it’s not really comparable to

that. We have an Anne Summers Party coming which you should look
out for, that’s still pretty cool. If you think this all sounds like fun then
we are open for any student to join us. Just email  Manager@GU2.
co.uk and say what you’d like to do.

Here is our current schedule. More info on all shows can be found on
the website, where you can also listen-back to a show if you miss it.
Also you might notice that there are some spaces, if you’re someone

Let’s talk about email. Email is a wonderful
thing – it allows millions of people across the
world communicate instantly and effortlessly
with each other. Just think, if you want to
contact your good friend Bob to wish him a
happy birthday it doesn’t matter whether he’s
living in the fantastical hills of Rio de Janeiro
or somewhere just outside Chelmsford, he can
probably still receive your communication. You
can even send him pictures, sounds and all
sorts of other goodies too.
But like so many good things in life, email comes
with its down sides.
Just yesterday I was browsing though my latest
batch of messages. Top of the list was one from
my mum asking me what my plans were for
the Christmas holidays. Next were 3 messages
attempting to sell me the benefits of buying
Viagra from a questionable foreign web site.
No thanks.
And that’s my public email account, ever
burdened by ten unwanted messages to every
one that I actually want to receive. But what
about student accounts? You log on for a quick
flash through the latest on your group work only
to be bombarded by endless plonkers sending
numerous spam mail messages telling people
that spam mail is annoying. The irony...
So what’s the solution? Well the Students’
Union is currently looking into codename
‘Project Skynet’ (Terminator, anyone?) which
aims to cut crap and send people only the
things they really want to know. The idea is that
if you’re a final year Chemistry student you really
don’t need 50 messages giving you tips on
setting into University or a stack of information
for management students. Nifty.
Of course that’s not the only thing that’s happened
this week. The Students’ Parliament incident
exploded into campus life on Wednesday night
– launching itself onto unsuspecting students
through the mediums of campus wide emails,
facebook, posters and personal contact. This
lead to a 24 hour period consumed with a mix
of passionate exchanges, conspiracy theories
and general confusion.
Thankfully the courses of action threatened did
not come to light and a full apology was made.
For a full account of events leading up to Student
18
Parliament contact the Union Chairperson (ussu.
chairperson@surrey.ac.uk) or alternatively
watch the opening statements of the Students’
Parliament video available on the Students’
Union facebook page.
If anyone has any further questions or queries
about any of the issues I touch upon feel free to
email me at ussu.welfare@surrey.ac.uk or visit
me in the Union offices. I’m always eager to
hear thoughts and opinions of students.
Until next week...
Malcolm Hunt
Vice President Welfare
Moment of the week: The overwhelming support
given to me by students over what has been a
difficult week. I wholeheartedly thank everyone
for their messages of support. In particular I
must thank those posting messages of support
online, those people supporting around campus
and the team of law students I found in the
library helping out every step of the way. Thank
you all!
Tip of the week: If you’re reading this on or
before Monday the 7th December I recommend
the ‘Say Something’ live music night in Rubix on
the 7th at 7pm. ‘Say Something’ will showcase
some excellent up and coming bands and offers
the unique atmosphere of live music. Come
along and see what you think!

ATTENTION STUDENTS!
LOOK AT WHAT COLAB CAN OFFER YOU!
So it is coming to the end of the first semester, and hopefully, whether you are a returning student or a Fresher, you have settled into
the swing of University life here at Surrey.
Some of you may, or may not be aware of CoLab and what we can offer students, but it is certainly worth taking note of what we aim
to do within the University as some of our up-coming events, projects or surveys, could be valuable opportunities for you in terms of
enriching your learning experience whilst at University.
CoLab is a student ran organisation, which aims to enhance the students’ University experience. Some of the ways we seek to
achieve this is by: fostering links with outside businesses, giving students the chance to voice their opinions on their academic learning environments and
organising events and workshops to improve students’ skills and knowledge. For further information, visit our website www.co-lab.eu.
Please see below for details of our up-coming projects:

Workshops
Our workshops are run by the technology team that operate within CoLab, and offer you the chance to gain up-to-date knowledge, and get hands-on
experience in the latest technologies. Recently, we ran a session on Digital Story Telling, which proved to be a great success.
Coming up, we are organising a series of drop in sessions on web 2.0 technologies, such as Flickr, Facebook, LinkedIn etc. The sessions will provide you
with a flavour of the technology, and give you the chance to ask any questions you may have.
(Workshops are organised for both students and staff)

Events
Our annual Taste of Technology event is scheduled for February 2010. The event is a fantastic opportunity for you to network with employers of local, small-
to-medium sized businesses, to gain contacts for your future. The format of the evening will be similar to that of last year, where students were employed to
present various web 2.0 technologies in a fair-format. This enabled employers and students who attended the event to network in a relaxed, informal setting
whilst discussing and finding out about these new technologies. Please look out for further information on this event coming soon!

Surveys
Currently, we do not have any student surveys in operation, but we are always interested in finding out your opinions and views! One of CoLab’s primary aims
is to enhance what the University has to offer based on what the students want. Therefore, your participation in our surveys plays a fundamental role in terms
of making a difference to you and your fellow students’ University experience- so always be on the look out for our surveys!!

For further information on any of our projects, please visit our website www.co-lab.eu or e-mail us at colab@surrey.ac.uk.
Or why not pop in and see us; we are situated within the SCEPTrE centre in the AC building.
 19
19
Drink Spiking
’How did I get home last night?’
‘Why am I still in my clothes?’
‘Did I end up going to Dusk last night, or was it
Harpers?’
‘Where did my mates go?’
‘Who’s this lying next to me?!!’
Sound familiar?
Well, you can blame the 8 pints with vodka chasers, or
thinking that ‘eating’s cheating’, or even that you just
can’t take your lager, but could it have been that your
drink was spiked?
WHAT? Drink spiking is when mind-altering substances,
such as drugs or alcohol, are added to your drink
without you knowing, changing how you act, or how
you behave with other people. Alcohol is the most
common ‘spiker’. It is used either by adding it to a
non alcoholic drink or by adding extra amounts to an
alcoholic drink. Prescription drugs are also used for
example Rohypnol.
Everyone who goes out drinking is at risk, whether it’s a
quiet lemonade in your local or a big celebration out on
the town. If you’ve got a drink, someone, somewhere
could have their eye on it!
WHY? There are many reasons why someone might
spike a drink, and it is not only females who could be
targeted. The most common reasons are:
• for amusement,
• to be malicious (deliberately nasty),
• to carry out a sexual assault, or rape,
• to carry out a physical assault, or
• to carry out a theft.
HOW: The symptoms of drink spiking will depend on
whether alcohol, or another drug, has been used,
how much of the substance was used, and how much
alcohol you have already drunk. Spiking could result in
drowsiness, difficulty concentrating, confusion, slurring
your words, lowered inhibitions, paranoia, memory loss,
hallucinations, unconsciousness and even death.
If you think you or a friend’s drink has been spiked it is
vital that you contact a member of staff immediately so
that potentially lifesaving treatment can be provided. If
you have symptoms as described above, go straight to
A&E with someone you trust, they can do tests to find
out the type of substance used to spike your drink, and
Trouble sleeping? Anxious about exams? Worried about STI's? Want to know how alcohol can be affecting
your mood? Want to know more about Cannabis? Want to lose weight? Need nutrition information? Then
mail in your questions all in confidence to studenthealthcare@surrey.ac.uk to CHAT HEALTH for your reply
in each edition of The Stag.
they will contact the police. If you think you have been
sexually assaulted, it is important that you contact the
police, with more information from victims, they may
be able to stop it happening to someone else.
PREVENT:
• keep your drink in your hand, OR hold your
thumb over the opening if you are drinking
from a bottle,
• keep an eye on your friend’s drinks,
• do not leave your drink unattended at any
time, even while you are in the toilet,
• never accept a drink from anyone you do not
know or trust,
• do not share or exchange drinks, or drink
leftover drinks,
• when possible, drink from a bottle rather than
a glass because it is more difficult to spike a
drink in a bottle,
• stay away from situations that you do not feel
comfortable with,
• if you go on a date with someone who you do
not know, tell a friend or relative where you
will be and what time you will be back,
• do not give away too much information to
anyone you have just met, such as your
address,
• do not show off expensive equipment, like
mobile phones, or MP3 players, as you may
attract unwanted attention,
• remember that if you have already been
drinking, you will be more vulnerable
because alcohol dulls your instincts and your
awareness of danger, and
• do not become complacent - always
remember that it could happen to you.
Some pubs and clubs give out bottle stoppers which
prevent the possibility of spiking, get one, it might
save your life!
If you are worried about any of this information, talk
to the staff in Student Health Care any time.
Spikeys are available for free from Student Health
Care.
Spikey® - a plastic “use once only” stopper that
helps prevent drinks from being spiked. Website
http://www.spikey.co.uk/ for more information.
Chat Health!
Spiced Sweet
Potato,
Pepper and
Aubergine Bake
Serves 4-6
Ingredients:
2 medium to large onions
2-3 sweet potatoes peeled and cut into large
cubes
1 large red or green pepper cut into large
chunks
1 medium to large aubergine cut into large
cubes
6 tbsp olive oil
2 large cloves of garlic
Can of chopped tomatoes
Can of chickpeas, drained and rinsed
50 ml (9 fl oz) stock made with half a vegeta-
ble stock cube
1 tbsp Moroccan spices
Salt and sugar
3 heaped tbsp fresh coriander leaves, trimmed,
washed and roughly chopped
1 small carton sour cream, yoghurt or soy yo-
ghurt (optional)
Method:
1. Preheat the oven to 200°C/400°F/Gas 6.
2. Peel onions and cut into 8 wedges.
3. Pour 4 tbsp of the oil in a large roasting tin.
Add the onion, sweet potatoes, aubergine and
pepper, mix well with the oil and bake in the
oven for 30 minutes, turning them half way
through.
4. Peel and chop the other onion, fry in re-
maining oil. Add the garlic, spices, chopped
tomatoes and cook for about 5 minutes. Stir
in the stock and a pinch of salt and sugar to
taste. Add the chickpeas.
5. Pour the spiced tomato mixture over the
vegetables from the oven and mix in well. Turn
the oven temperature down to 190°C/375°F/
Gas 5 and cook for another 20-30 minutes
until the vegetables are well cooked, turning
them half way through.
6. Just before serving add the chopped corian-
der. Serve each portion with a dollop of sour
cream, yoghurt or soy yoghurt.
 20
Ask Angelique Anything..... Get it off your chest
I like this guy… I’ve lost someone close to me.....
Hi Angelique, Hey J,
Hey, I like this guy but I don’t really know
how to approach him. He probably won’t I’m not really having a I’m sorry for your loss and I’m glad you wrote in. It’s always
react in the way I want him too… consid- good time at the mo- hard to get going again once you’ve lost someone so close to
ering I’m gay. Everyone will make fun of ment. I’ve lost someone you but its not impossible. Instead of thinking about your loss,
me if I’m rejected so I don’t really know very close to me recently think about the good things in your life, think about your friends
where I should go with this. Should I tell and I feel like the worlds and family who all love you and are constantly thinking of you.
him how I feel or should I leave it? never going to stop spin- If you feel you need to let it out then talk to a housemate that
ning. I don’t go out any you feel you can share this with. Talking about things will make
Anon more, I think my house- you feel better, I promise. In terms of getting back to who you
mates have forgotten used to be, organise a day out with your housemates, make
I exist but I want to get your self heard and just have fun. I never say forget the past,
Hiya, this was a tricky one. back to who I used to be. as it’s the past that makes us who we are today. So use it, let
Where do I start? it make you a stronger person. If you need anything, you know
I just want to make something clear be- where I am .
fore I go on, don’t EVER be ashamed of J
who you are, gay or not you a person that Angelique x
deserves to be loved as much as anyone
else. You need to start loving yourself, if Boys are D***S!...
not how can you expect anyone else too?
Considering I don’t know the person you Angelique, I’ve had enough of boys, there all dicks! Why cant I find someone that genu-
like I can’t really give you advice on how inely wants to hang out with me without getting something else out of it? Why do they
he will react but you shouldn’t be afraid always have to ruin everything. I’m actually fed up.
to speak your feelings. Usually we can
tell whether or not someone might like Carrie xx
us, its just our natural human instincts at Hey Carrie,
work, but if you’re too nervous to act on
them, or if you don’t think that he shares Being a girl.. as much as I want to agree with you and jump on the anti-male bandwag-
the same feelings then maybe you should on.. I can’t. You can’t just assume that girls are the only ones that get pissed off cause
start at square one. Tell him your gay, you its not true, guys get annoyed at us all the time. Apparently we’re hard to understand
don’t have to tell him out straight but just haha don’t know where they got that from. Anyway it seems like you’re not looking for the
make it clear which gender you like. Af- right kind of guys, in fact STOP looking cause you’ll give off the wrong impression. Wait
ter he accepts you for being gay (if he till you find something in common with a guy and then go from there, I hope you’re not
doesn’t then he wasn’t worth the chase searching for a ‘best friend’ cause that just sounds stupid. I can’t tell you how to make a
in the first place), build up a friendship friend, as there are so many ways that I couldn’t possibly now where to start. Maybe its
and see what grows from there. Just take something you’re doing, maybe you’re so eager to find a male friend that you’re giving off
it easy, accept who you are and be your- the wrong impression. Just chill out, calm down. No guy is going to want anything more
self. I’m sure you’ll know what to do in than sex from a girl that seems over eager. No offence guys!. But if it seems like you’re
time.. What’s the rush? offering then why should you expect them to think any other way. Let me know how it
goes Carrie.
Angelique x
Angelique x
Useful Websites:
Need someone to talk to? Get it off your chest

Ask Angelique Anything.....

www.connexions-direct.com
General advice
www.talktofrank.com
Drug advice
www.childline.org.uk
Self harm and Abuse advice
Email: askangeliqueanything@gmail.com www.sextalk.org
Sexual health advice
UNIVERSITY OF SURREY
PRINTED HOODED TOPS
INCLUDES A LARGE
RANGE OF COLOURS
& SIZES N T
FOR PROFIT
JUST FOR
JUST £23.95 STUDENTS

Horoscopes
Aries (20th March – 20th April)
You may need to make some choices this week, make sure you
have your priorities right. Do not be complacent and take nothing for
granted. With that in mind, remember the winter holidays are coming
up so keep up the hard work, you will have plenty of time to have fun
soon enough.
Taurus (21st April – 20th May)
Feeling lonely at this time of year? Don’t worry, it’s just that holidays
are a hard time for single people but I reckon you should make most of
your singlet status. The world is your oasis, indulge and enjoy yourself,
regardless of having The One or not.
Gemini (21st May – 20th June)
Following a rough week, this is going to be a week of wonders. You
should kick back and relax; the holidays are coming up so you have
plenty of time to pamper yourself. Just don’t leave all your Christmas
shopping till last minute, remember what happened last year!
Cancer (21st June – 21st July)
It is almost end of term and that deadline keeps getting closer. It is
time to stop putting it off and get some work done. This will not only
make you more confident in your work but will also help in partying in
last week of term Đ
Leo (22nd July – 22nd August)
With term coming to an end some serious decisions will have to be
made. You may need to make compromises but remember not to lose
sight of what is important to you. Think positive and brace yourself for
the Christmas festivities that are coming your way
Virgo (23rd August – 21st September) You have had your eye on this person for weeks, its time you made a
move. With the holidays coming up, its time you took control of your
Your work load may be piling up and it seems like you’ll never finish
life and took a chance – it is worth it. Even making a small gesture,
what you have to do. Relax take a deep breath and remember time such as a Christmas card or present will take you a long way with that
is on your side. Take advantage of your resources and don’t forget to someone special.
squeeze in a little ‘me-time’
Tell Us Your Story – SPLASH Digital Storytelling Project 2009 / 10
 Would you like to develop valuable digital media skills AND be
paid for your time and effort?
 Would you like to learn how to create your own digital story?
 Do you have an interesting story to share about your time
at university or about a specific event from which you have
learned something?
SPLASH is putting together some resources that will be made
available online to new students, and your story could be part of this.
We would like to receive your expressions of interest in the form
of a summary of your story idea in no more than 150 words to be
submitted to: splash@surrey.ac.uk by Friday 11th December
22
Libra (20th September – 21st October)
You may be getting some bad news this week. Take this chance to put things
into perspective and try to appreciate the good things you have in your life.
On a more positive note, you will reap the benefits of all your hard work.
Scorpio (22nd October – 21st November)
Christmas is round the corner and you may feel like your motivation
is burning out, stay focused and determined. There is not long to
go before you can call it a day and sit back and relax. Keep up your
undying optimistic attitude and it will sure pay off
Sagittarius (21st November – 21st December)
You’ve been overspending and over pampering yourself lately and
Christmas is coming up soon, don’t forget your loved ones. Things
may not be as they seem this week, keep an eye out for anything
suspicious and keep your friends close to your heart.
Capricorn (22nd December – 20th January)
This week money will be tight to make sure you prioritise your needs
and separate them from your wants. I know it is hard but we need to
make sacrifices. Have a night in, watch Disney movies and remind
yourself how simple life used to be.
Aquarius (21st January – 18th February)
After all your partying and rough housing last week, this should be
a calmer and focused week where you should try and get your work
done. Luck is on your side and if you try hard enough, you might
succeed in making all those deadlines and still have time to enjoy.
Pisces (19th February – 19th March)
Some ideas / examples of possible topics for your stories:
• Settling in to university life / the life changing experience of
coming to university
• A moment when the penny dropped – it all came together!
• A particular aspect of your studies or an event that you feel
would be of specific interest and / or relevance to other
students, such as a work placement
Stories can be generally university related or specific to your course
BUT they must all demonstrate learning in one sense or another.
The SPLASH team
 The cheapest food and drink on campus. Pop in.

The Union Shop Monday to Friday

Opening
180X120_Meal Times1
Deal Bag:Layout 10.00am
18/8/09 12:05 Page–1 6.00pm

(Subject to change)

We stock all of your

only £2.99
morning and lunchtime
essentials and double up as an
international food store on campus!
Choose any Sandwich, Soft Drink Make sure you pop in
and Crisps and save pounds!

light*

only £2.49
Choose any Sandwich, Wrap, Salad or
Sushi and a Soft Drink

more sense than money

the national voice
of students
www.nus.org.uk
Christmas Volunteering

Give a Gift 2009

Students and groups of students are asked to donate items
to be given to local children and homeless people. To get
involved, all you have to do is put together a Christmas
gift box and bring it in to the Students’ Union. You can give
anything you would like to, just make sure that it is unused/
new and in its original packaging. More details are available
at www.ussu.co.uk/christmas

Christmas Day Ward

Volunteers
Spread some seasonal cheer to
patients and their families on 25th
December at a local Hospital and get a
free Christmas lunch.
Deadline for applications 10th Dec.

Children’s Play Day

Help run activities at Christmas themed
fun days for local children on the 21st
and 22nd December. Activites include
face painting and mask making.

For more information email

e.beauclair@surrey.ac.uk
25
Respect and Protect
by Bakita Kasadha

About the Day

1st December is observed every year as World AIDS
Day. The World Health Organization (WHO) established
World AIDS Day in 1988 providing governments,
national AIDS programs and now The Stag with an
opportunity to raise awareness and focus attention
on the global AIDS epidemic.

Take Action
There are many ways you can take action in response
to HIV/AIDS:
- make sure you know the realities of HIV/AIDS, not
the myths
- get tested for HIV if you have put yourself at risk
- practice safer methods to prevent HIV and do not
Black History Night
engage in high risk behaviours; protect yourself
Photos by Adam Sayer - talk about HIV prevention with family, friends, and
colleagues (don’t let HIV be the big white elephant in
the room that no one wants to acknowledge)
- provide support to people living with HIV/AIDS

There are 33.4 million people worldwide living with

HIV and more than 85,000 of them are here in the
UK. Today more people than ever before are living
with HIV in the UK, but less people report knowing
someone with it. Do not think that you are completely
removed from the HIV/AIDs issue just because you
do not live in a third world country. Know the facts;
protect yourself; end the stigma.
Source: Worlds AIDS Day Website
For more information: http://www.worldaidsday.org/
respectandprotect.aspx
 Stationery and cards

Fairtrade gifts
22
University Souvenirs

Branded University Clothing

T: 01483
Lunchtime Meal Deals, Snacks689169
and Drinks
E : bookshop@surrey.ac.uk
www.ussu.co.uk/bookshop
www.surrey.ac.uk/bookshop
Friendly staff will help you find what
you are looking for

Opening Hours:
Monday to Friday
Opening Hours 8.30am - 6pm
Monday to Friday Stationery and cards
8.30am - 6pm
Fairtrade gifts
T: 01483 689169 Stationery & cards
University Souvenirs
Fairtrade gifts
E:bookshop@surrey.ac.uk Souvenirs
Branded University Clothing
Branded Clothing
www.ussu.co.uk/bookshop Lunchtime Meal Deals
Lunchtime Meal Deals, Snacks
Snacks and
and Drinks
Drinks
www.surrey.ac.uk/bookshop
Breakfast essentials
Event tickets
Friendly staff will help you find what
you are looking for

Opening Hours:
Monday to Friday
8.30am - 6pm
 27
- ‘Swim for the Children’
The Volunteering Society, aka ‘Do More’, is new this year. So far we’ve students learnt many
got off to a great start On Saturday 7th November, 11 enthusiastic life-lessons through this
students from the University went down to the Spectrum Leisure Centre invaluable opportunity
to take part in ‘Swim for the Children’. The sponsored swim event to experience
raised money for two local charities: Cherry Trees Foundation and the another culture.
Home Start Programme. Cherry Trees supports children and young Despite some heart-
people with learning and/or physical disabilities. Home-Start provides wrenching moments,
support to families faced with a variety of difficult situations; such as these students
bereavement, illness and disability. The students who participated in thoroughly enjoyed the
the sponsored swim event ranged from complete novices to swimming opportunity they were
superstars and collectively swam a whopping 11.4 miles in 2 hours. given and, as a result,
The total amount of money raised was an amazing £595.65. have developed their
personal capabilities
The event was coordinated by Do>More Volunteering Society. Do>More and independence. Do>More is conducting similar projects this coming
would like to thank everyone who swam in the event and everyone who summer and will be fundraising throughout the year to support these
supported the swimmers by giving sponsorship money. summer projects.

On the 26th November, a group of volunteers kicked off Do>More Do>More provides students with access to volunteering opportunities
fundraising for next year’s summer projects. They organised a very within both the local community and internationally. Do>More gives
successful cake sale and we would like to give a special thank you to students a great opportunity to make friends and have fun, while feeling
the cake sale team, who raised a fantastic £122.36. great about yourself and all your ‘good deeds’.
Other News from Upcoming events are Tree O’Clock, and a Christmas themed bar crawl
Do>More: social in December (probably 11th Dec).  We’re looking for volunteers
for Tree O’Clock - Guildford Borough Council are organising a sapling
Last summer, a group of planting on Merrow Lane of approximately 1,000 trees so volunteers
students went to Uganda will be required around 10am to 12:30pm on the day.
to work in a children’s
home and local medical Interested in getting involved with one off local community volunteering
centre. The 4 students projects, fundraising events or summer projects? Contact the Do>More
spent a month educating committee at ussu.domore@surrey.ac.uk.
the community on issues
such as HIV, nutrition
and family planning. The

Students Back Bid For Surrey County Fair Trade Status!

Guildford Town Centre hosted ‘Surrey Fair Trade Get-together’ on Saturday
7th November and Helen Thornewell, the President of the Fair Trade
Society, went along with two enthusiastic students from the Society to
find out more! They were also accompanied by a university member of
staff who represented the University Fair Trade Steering Group.
There were about 40 people representing various Fair Trade groups from
different towns across Surrey. It was really inspiring to discover what
other local Fair Trade groups were doing. The main aim of the meeting
was to gather all the different groups together and see whether there
would be scope for Surrey to work towards receiving County Fair Trade
Status through the Fair Trade Foundation. The verdict: everyone agreed
this was a great idea!
At the meeting, attendees were fortunate enough to hear from guest
speakers like two cocoa producers native to Ecuador and Peru – with
a live Spanish to English translation! The producers gave first hand
examples to explain how the Fair Trade premium helps to protect their
farms from climate change and natural hazards and develop better
economical infrastructures within their producer associations, which
supports all aspects of their livelihood.
There were interesting workshops covering hot topics of Fair Trade’s
involvement in environmental issues, climate campaigns, political
conferences and other global issues, which was plenty food for
thought!
So now members of the Fair Trade Society and university are involved
in a working party which is forming to meet the objectives for Fair Trade
status approval to be achieved by 2012. Wouldn’t it be great for Surrey
to be a Fair Trade County when London hosts the 2012 Olympics?! And
even better for the University of Surrey and its students to be at the
centre of Surrey’s big Fair Trade project?!
If anyone feels inspired by any of these issues and wants to find out
more, especially if you would be interested in getting involved with the
Surrey campaign or would simply like to be kept up-to-date with their
upcoming meetings and events, please get in touch with the Fair Trade
Society by e-mailing them. They would love to hear from you!
ussu.fairtrade@surrey.ac.uk
‘Surrey SU Fair Trade Society’ on Facebook:

http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=138981787147

societiesdeskstag@gmail.com
 28

The Photography Society is for anyone

who owns any kind of camera, and enjoys
taking pictures. We organise a variety of
photo activities welcome for all to take part
in, covering a wide range of photographic
styles and opportunities.

Recently we arranged a visit to London to

take some night photos. We had a great
time and visited some of London’s best-
known landmarks: the pictures here show
the work of some of the people who came
along for the evening and give you a taster
of what you could produce.
29
Music
University Events
University of Surrey Symphony Orchestra and Choir at St.
Saviour’s Church

Tickets: £7.50, £3 Students

Saturday 12th December 2009, 7.30PM
St. Saviour’s Church, Woodbridge Road, Guildford, GU1 4QD.

Shostakovich: Symphony No. 5 in D minor, Op. 47

Bernstein: Candide Overture and Chichester Psalms

Successive to the incredible Symphony Orchestra’s concerts last

year, the Orchestra and Choir of the University of Surrey, this year,
bring a performance of works from two of the 20th Centuries
finest composers, Dmitri Shostakovich and Leonard Bernstein.

Following it’s composition, Shostakovich welcomed a unique

success with the reception of Symphony No. 5, when the piece
appealed to both critics and the public alike. One of Shostakovich’s
most popular works, it was written at a time when Shostakovich
had no choice but to comply with socialist realism and as such
was under pressure to simplify his music. Instead, Shostakovich
Beat! Beat! Beat! - Stars (2009)
mocked the simplistic approach to composition and in turn wrote
German bands don’t often manage to cross to this damp isle, and it’s only
a piece that appeared to adhere to socialist realism but in fact
really when they can sing in English, but let’s face it, many of our own
was a satirical work of art.
artists have trouble doing that anyway. Beat! Beat! Beat! have been hailed
as the ‘new Foals’, cracking out some angular guitar parts with disco beats
Bernstein, famed for works such as West Side Story
all over the shop. This is their debut release, and at the ripe age of 18,
and On The Town, wrote the music for the operetta
these guys have got tons of time to take over the indie-pop scene.
Candide, which was first performed in 1957.
The album opens up with Stars, a seriously catchy pop track, with some
Chichester Psalms was commissioned for the 1965 Southern
ambient elements coming in at the beginning before some great lyrics and
Cathedrals’ Festival at Chichester Cathedral. However,
well-written guitar riffs. We Are Waves is another great number, although
the world premiere took place in the Philharmonic Hall,
it is a bit more downtempo to the rest of the EP, and almost has elements
followed by the performance in the Chichester Festival.
that remind me of The Strokes in the vocal work.
Expect a fantastic evening, which promises to be every bit as
I heard about Fireworks courtesy of the NME, who gave it away as a free
impressive as it sounds. Under the expert guidance of conductor
track. This has so many elements of Foals in it you might even think they
Russell Keable, the University Orchestra and Choir are sure to
kidnapped one of the guitarists and let him lay down the riff. It’s a pretty
produce another stunning concert, which is certainly not to be
awesome though, and also makes sure the indie-disco beat stays strong.
missed.
The main riffs works so well together, sliding all over the place in perfect
synchronisation. Punchy basslines and pretty random lyrics make this song
a good one to nod your head to.
WIND BAND CONCERT
One thing I have noticed is that the tracks all seem to be a little bit different.
Where? Pats Studio 1
This could be a good thing, or it could be that they are still climbing the
When? Monday 7th December, 8pm
rickety ladder to find their ‘core’ sound. Fireworks is certainly my favourite
How much? FREEE!!
of the 3, but this EP is just a taster to show people what they can do, so
their full-length album is sure to cause a bit of commotion.
A wide range of music arranged for wind band ranging from The
Sound of Music to Jurassic Park to Glen Miller! Come along for
by Mark Allen
a free concert, it’s a good night out!

musicdeskstag@gmail.com
 30
Biffy Clyro – Only Revolutions (Nov 09)
Biffy are back!! With their brand new album, This album blends different styles, which Biffy
and what an album it is. Only Revolutions was master really well, with acousticy tracks such
released 9th November 09 and was met with as God & Satan to the fast paced rock of That
universal acclaim. The album starts off with an Golden Rule, Biffy also bring some keyboard
unfamiliar noise, and if you see the awesome in which is new to them. One of my favourites
pirate themed video for the single The Captain from the album is Bubbles which blends clever
you’ll see its foot stomping! It’s unusual but a catchy riffs, with great lyrics and Simon Neil
great idea, quite reminiscent of the opening of sounding more Scottish than ever. I love it!
Living is a Problem from Puzzle. I can see The Bubbles also features Josh Homme from
Captain as being a favourite sing-along at live Queens of The Stone Age on guitar.
gigs and festivals.
The album contains some quirky, insane
There are many love themed lyrics in the album, lyrics not unheard of in Biffy’s Music. Born on
this, in some cases is probably due to the a Horse is a great example, and the catchy that awesome Scottish voice make this album
recent marriage of one of the band members. intro sounds nothing like Biffy have ever done a MUST! A great carry on from Biffy’s Puzzle.
It’s also part of the theme of the album, which before. The lyric ‘were galloping slowly through As Biffy’s fifth album, they can only do better in
is about revelations in our lives. Mountains with this broken glass’ is strange but awesome, and the future right?!
its catchy little melody and nice lyrics, ‘Nothing it sounds as if they have meaning that’s pretty
lasts forever except you and me, you are my hard to decipher. by Mary-Rose D’Ambrosio
mountain you are my sea.’ It’s a good heartfelt
track mixing metaphors with mega rock riffs. Cool heavy guitar riffs, rock out sounds and

Lady GaGa “The Fame Monster”

Released: 23rd November lyrics combined with Gaga’s adapted accent song, messy in structure and constantly
makes for night time listening. The only ballad, unpredictable, it is surprisingly genius as a
2009 has definitely been the year of Gaga and Speechless, does exactly what it says on the package. However, the real monster in this
after listening to this album, be prepared to tin and assures us that Gaga is capable of album is the sexually suggestive Teeth which
clear the charts for another 12 months. You something more mellow and down tempo, with military-like bass gives the song the aggression
would think this artist’s luck would run tiresome powerful vocals giving it a much more classical and drive that she showcases so well in her
but this debut album proves Gaga is making a feel. Monster entices with it’s 80s electro pop live performances. Although Gaga does love
habit of generating hits. Besides the four chart back beat, while my personal favourite Dance her repetition so be prepared for a feeling of
toppers we have already familiarised ourselves in the dark is an echo of synth with its Vogue major déjà vu when listening to the album, and
with, Gaga graces the album with eight new style rap giving homage to a list of Gaga’s own a more concrete incentive to love this artist
singles in this revised edition. celebrity influences.
by Faye Carpenter
From the stomping beats of Bad Romance, to Most impressive is the dynamite collaboration
the sultry sounds of Alejandro which provocative with Beyoncé Telephone, and although the

Them Crooked Vultures

Them Crooked Vultures are possibly the most anticipated ‘supergroup’ band’s sound. It ends on a Grohl drum fill where it’s hard not to imagine
of 2000. Those not familiar with the band will no doubt be familiar with a QOTSA bass solo. But thankfully Jones doesn’t feel the need.
the line-up - singer Josh Homme (Queens of the Stone Age), drummer
Dave Grohl (Foo Fighters, Nirvana) and bassist John Paul Jones (Led Mind Eraser, No Chaser is next up, again providing plenty of guitar
Zeppelin). While I’m a fan of all these bands, I had no idea Them Crooked riffs. Homme takes all the lead vocals but Grohl’s backing him, making
Vultures existed (oddly I found out through my hairdresser when he told Homme’s vocal style sound a little less creepy. This mix perfectly
me he bought the album and that I should do the same – and its hard compliments the track, making this the highlight of the album. Most
not to take notice of a man holding a razor close to your face). of the following songs are all in a similar style. There are however, a
few oddballs thrown in. Interlude With Lude is pretty psychedelic, and
So, if you put all their previous bands into a blender the output really Gunman is pretty funky. There are also some strange outros to some
could be Them Crooked Vultures - a bluesy riff-driven rock band. At tracks – namely Caligulove’s weird Theremin-style melody and Mind
moments there are sounds of classic Zeppelin then the hectic drum fills Eraser, No Chaser’s little trumpet ditty. These provide a nice break from
and guitar riffs of QOTSA. With Homme fronting the band it’s hard to not the constant guitar riffs defining the album.
think of this as his side project. After all, Grohl sat comfortably behind
the drum kit for him many times. But still, there are hints of something Them Crooked Vultures look impressive on paper, and the album doesn’t
original creating something rather impressive. disappoint. But like most supergroups, they don’t exactly offer anything
super. Still, it’s really not bad for a band I didn’t even realise existed. If
The first track No One Loves Me & Neither Do I opens with a grooving you want a quick listen then head to their myspace or stream the whole
Grohl drumbeat. The song reminds me somewhat of The White Stripes album for free on Spotify.
with a blues guitar tone and rhythmic vocals. Half-way through, the song
morphs into a crunchy guitar riff. This second half really defines the by Andy Flowers
Make it a Chancellors Christmas

Have a Merry Xmas and a wonderful New Year

From all of the Sabbaticals, Chancellors

& Students’ Union staff

Live Music and Silent Film
Completing our series of silent films accompanied
by live music this term is The Adventures of
Prince Achmed showing in PATS Dance Studio on
Wednesday 9th December at 7.30pm.
Whilst this film is the shortest of those shown this
term (lasting only 67 minutes), it is perhaps one of
the most monumental in as far as it is the oldest
surviving, and some even argue first ever, animated
feature film ever made. Created by German animator
Lotte Reiniger, this silhouette animation involves
manipulated cut-outs made from cardboard and
thin sheets of lead under a camera. The entire film
therefore takes place through the use of intricate
and astonishingly crafted shadow puppets.
The story is based on elements taken from the
collection 1001 Arabian Nights, specifically The
Story of Prince Achmed. With the assistance of
Aladdin, the Witch of the Fiery Mountain, and a
magic horse, the title character battles the evil
African sorcerer to win the hand of Princess Pari
Banou.
Worst Song of the Decade
Michael Jackson - This Is It
I love his music, I really do. I could turd out
praiseworthy prose until the monkey goes to
heaven about most of his music, but this song
was a troglodyte alongside Michael’s Aphrodites.
It wasn’t good enough for a b-side, album track
or even bonus disk filler when he was alive.
Now it’s supposed to be the thing that makes
you buy the latest Greatest Hits cash in. Let a
dead man sleep, stop trying to make him dance.
Tom Waits - Glitter & Doom Live
Furious fan-boy wanking is the last thing that
student media needs. In every uni paper, radio
station and club in the country there is a jumped
up little snob who despises mainstream culture
and thinks that their taste is what the world
really needs. Completely bypassing the fact that
the world actually has better things to do than
Guitar and Flute Duo Perform at PATS Studio One
If you enjoyed the superb guitarist Thomas Leeb,
who performed at PATS Studio One in October, then
here’s another concert for you guitar fans – Steven
Thachuk performing in PATS Studio One on Friday
11th December at 7.30pm.
Although this Canadian guitarist likes to play a
steel-stringed instrument, he is traditionally a
classical guitarist who enjoys constantly challenging
the nature of both the instrument’s repertoire and
boundaries. Thachuk’s recitals therefore usually
include a variety of different works ranging from J.S.
Bach to John Lennon. So, even if you’re not the
biggest fan of classical music, Thachuk’s versatility
But I’m guessing that many of you are thinking
exactly the same as I was when first told about
this event – why on earth would I want to go and
see a film in which there is no sound/conversation
and in which we don’t even see the character’s
faces, animated or otherwise? Well, contrary to
first impressions and expectations, and perhaps
controversial for its time, this amalgam of fairy
stories does in fact contain a blatant erotic energy,
rarely seen in even the lustiest of pre-Code live
action cinema! Witness, for example, handmaidens
tossing themselves on Achmed’s body like hungry
rabbits, or 2 concubines leaning in to kiss Achmed
only to end up kissing one another as Achmed
ducks.
Not only this, but Prince Achmed also reminds
us of the potential of animation to transcend the
limits of live action (especially in this early period).
The figures move with startling fluidity – a fluidity
that makes even the most agile of human being
seem laborious. Because of the technique used
to invent this film, the figures and locations are
almost archetypal, at once dazzling because of
take a keen interest in the recommendation
of comfy middle class university brat who has
never had any real responsibilities. Thus they
have the time and resources to learn the Yo La
Tengo back catalogue, own every Robert Johnson
song and go to obscure festivals then judge all
those who don’t do similar. There is always
someone who lives in their own cultural castle,
wants to tell everyone and deludes themselves
that people will care. I despise it, so I apologize
for this article. I’m 21 and should know better.
Tom Waits is a somewhat acquired taste. The
instrumentation is often kooky, unhinged and
sometimes more patient than doctor. His voice
resembles a kicked dog with a sore throat
and the whole thing takes a bit of getting used
to. Nonetheless he is a captivating performer
and his latest live album is long overdue.
All the recordings were taken from various points
in genre guarantees that his performances appeal to
all. Fans of Radiohead will be particularly impressed
by his original and astounding transpositions of
their works to classical guitar.
Providing an exciting and unexpected twist to
Thachuk’s performance is talented flautist Sarah
Wass, who will also be joining Thachuk on the evening
of Friday 11th December. Together these musicians
generate a strangely tranquil yet invigorating
ambiance with their music, which, as masters of
their respective instruments, they perform with
utmost grace and technical expertise.
32
their intricate detail yet equally mysterious because
of their hidden quality.
So, whilst the invention technique of this film might
be simple, it appears that its content and detail
might be less so. Why not come and check it out
for yourself on Wednesday 9th December, 7.30pm
in PATS Dance Studio.
Geoff Smith’s new score for the film, which he will
perform live on numerous hammered dulcimers,
perfectly compliments the film’s beauty and innate
mystery. Tickets are £8 adults and £5 concessions.
You can’t say you don’t like it until you’ve tried it
and I can pretty much vouch for the fact that you’ll
be converted to silent film once you’ve seen it. And
even if you’re not, its only 67 minutes long after
all!
Don’t miss out – it’s the last silent film of the term
and it’s guaranteed to be beautiful.
by Jess Curnier
on his 2008 Glitter And Doom tour and the
setlist draws from some of his best tracks from
the last 15 years, completely ignoring most
of his early jazz-bar hobo years. It’s seedy, low,
dark and at the same time uplifting and life
affirming in places. It’s a warm welcome to a Tim
Burton-esque moonlit world that few artists can
come close to matching. There are few words
to describe the insane level of songwriting too,
usually that’s a cop-out term to use when there’s
not a lot going on (I have used it as such before)
but each one paints a glorious picture with swirls,
flourishes and the occasional brick to the nuts.
It’s well worth paying the extra pound or two to get
the bonus disk of tales between songs, you will use
them on girls at parties and they will love you for it.
Recommended tracks: Lucky Day, Fallin’ Down,
Lucinda/Ain’t Goin’ Down To The Well
Since both Thachuk and Wass perform regularly
with the experimental and improvisational band
Freshly Squeezed, we are very excited to see what
eclectic mix they might have in store for us when
they visit Studio One. Insiders suggest that the
programme will include works by Jon Brion, Andrew
Bird, Radiohead, Celso Machado, George Rochberg,
Ian Clarke and Robert Beaser. The concert will take
place in PATS Studio One on Friday 11th December
at 7.30pm. Tickets are £10, £5 for students and
can be bought from the University box office on
01483 686 876.
by Jessica Curnier
33
Dance and Theatre......
A big thank you to everyone who has supported
the new Dance and Theatre page in its first
term at The Stag. In particular I’d like to thank
everyone who has written articles and shared
their love for the arts in this space.
I wish you all a Merry Christmas and look
forward to 2010 at The Stag.
As always please feel free get in touch:
dancedeskstag@gmail.com.
Rachel Gildea
Dance and Theatre Editor, The Stag
Shiny and New – Theatre Studies is
born at the University of Surrey!
by Lexi Sutton  The last in our season of silent films with live music, if you are interested in animation and film history
New to Surrey University this year, is Theatre
Studies. Only twenty - one overdramatic,
outgoing and fearless students were chosen
for this year, but together we create a band
of theatrical talent that Surrey has yet to see
perform. However this is soon to change. We
are building up our confidence and learning
new techniques. Our acting classes are
intense, we use methods that are renowned
for being used at drama school, to strip us
bear and build fantastic, real and beautiful
characters. We shall see if these roles grasp
your imaginations and carry you away from
student life, as they should. Both modern
and traditional techniques are being explored
and used within performances. Techniques
exploited by us, the theatre studies actors,
producers, directors and all other roles
imaginable within this new and inspired
degree. In addition stage management
and production happens, to enable us
to run your theatres and performances.
Watch out Surrey, you’ll soon be seeing us.
Within the first week of this new degree, a
theatre society had stemmed, one purely for
performance and drama, ‘The Soc’. Using
techniques from the acting and movement
classes, staging and character lectures
and stage production, two plays are to be
put on. They use every inch of inspiration,
courage and knowledge that we twenty -
one can combine. So Surrey come and
see this new talent, and watch out for us.
Dates for your Diary:
Improvisation Night – 14th December
TB19
Teechers – 18th and 19th January –
TB10
Chatroom – 21st and 22nd January –
The Living Room
Arts Events in December
I hope you’ve all enjoyed the autumn semester and have managed to catch at least one or two events
that have taken place this term.  Earlier in the semester we had the great Malian musician, Bassekou
Kouyate, who blew away all who attended his gig in the University Hall with his kinetic energy and
infectious music. We also welcomed the superb dancers Laila Diallo and Melanie Demers to campus with
their powerful show Sense of Self in October (reviewed in the last issue). The guitarist Thomas Leeb’s
performance in concert at Studio One in October was also a definite highlight. I hope also that some of
you made it to the Free For All gig in Wates House last Friday, 4th December. Always a great event and
one of the most popular student concerts of the year, it featured a range of music department bands and
performers. The next Free For All will take place in February at the University Hall so look out for more
information on this event after Christmas. However, before that, we still have coming up this term: 
Wednesday 9th December, 7.30pm
The Adventures of Prince Achmed
PATS Dance Studio
then this is definitely one for your diary.  A significant moment in the history of cinema, The Adventures
of Prince Achmed was the first feature animation film ever made. Geoff Smith’s new score, which he will
perform live on the night, perfectly compliments the film. 
Friday 11th December, 7.30pm
Steven Thachuk, guitar and Sarah Wass, Flute
PATS Studio One
Phenomenal guitarist Steven Thachuk and flautist Sarah Wass will be performing at PATS Studio One
this Friday 11th December.  Appealing to fans of both classical and steel-stung guitar, Steven and Sarah
perform a varied programme ranging from the classical repertoire of Bach to original arrangements of
tracks by John Lennon and Radiohead.  Check out www.steventhachuk.com  
Saturday 12th December, 7.30pm
University of Surrey Symphony Orchestra and Choir
St. Saviour’s Church, Guildford
The annual autumn concert by the University Symphony Orchestra and Choir. Building from strength to
strength over the last few years under the expert guidance of conductor Russell Keable, and performing
music by two of the 20th century’s great composers, Bernstein and Shostakovich, the Orchestra and
Choir are sure to produce a stunning concert at St. Saviour’s Church, Guildford.  With tickets at only £3
for students, why not come along and see what you think? Sign up to our Facebook page and post your
thoughts on the wall. 
Tuesday 15th, Wednesday 16th, Thursday 17th December, 7.30pm
Going Public I – Xmas Dance Shows
PATS Dance Studio
Always extremely popular, these shows offer a fun, festive end to the semester, showcasing a range of
work by student choreographers and performers, in a variety of techniques including African, Kathak,
Ballet and Contemporary. Come along and enjoy a mince pie, a glass of mulled wine and an entertaining
show, sure to get you in the festive spirit. Again only £3 for students. 
Please search for Music & Dance Events at the University of Surrey to join our Facebook page, to keep
up-to-date with events and leave comments if you wish.  Also check out www.surrey.ac.uk/arts. Tickets
to all events can be booked in advance at Senate House Reception or on 01483 686 876.  Have a fun
Christmas break.  See you in 2010! 
by Jamie Harber
dancedeskstag@gmail.com

Going Public 1 - Xmas Dance Show
Three nights of entertainment to get you in the mood for Christmas
The Surrey Dance students, years 1 to 3, are presenting a show of
some of their work achieved so far this year, for all to come and
enjoy. The show will be held in PATS Dance Studio and due to last
year’s high demand for tickets, the show will, for the first time, be
held over three nights.
If you have never seen a dance performance before why not take this
opportunity to come and see a wide variety of styles that will be
shown, ranging from African, Kathak (Indian), Contemporary and
Ballet. We will also be showing some pieces that our own students
have choreographed.
You can see all of this literally on your door step and for a much
cheaper price than you would at a Theatre in London with the same
34
professional level, including beautiful costumes and effective lighting.
Plus intervals with festive nibbles and beverages.
This evening is aimed for everyone, whether you have a knowledge of
dance or not, you are bound to experience a wonderful night and learn
about new styles of dance. So bring along friends or family members
and enjoy a relaxing evening of entertainment, while watching the
Classical to the up beat rhythms of African.
Tickets can be booked from the University Box Office, (located at
Senate House) on 01483 686 876 or via email : boxoffice@surrey.
ac.uk at £6 and £3 for students. The Xmas Dance Shows will be
held in the PATS Building Dance Studio on Tuesday 15th, Wednesday
16th and Thursday 17th of December at 7.30pm.

What’s all the

‘Hype’?
An Ugly Story About Beauty
Matthew Bourne’s Dorian Grey, New Adventures
by Jen Pearce Production, New Victoria Theatre, Woking

Hype is the new dance Group
coming to the University of Surrey
on the Wednesday the 16th of
December at Rubix. The group
formed recently and is led by
second year dance student Rachel
Leyland. They are excited to be
holding their debut performance
in our very own union. The group
is hip-hop based and they will be
performing a medley of chosen
works on the night, so the music
will fit in with what is usually played
by our resident DJ’s on Wednesday
nights.
Formed near the beginning of the
academic year, Hype rehearses
at the university though they will
not be replacing the Surrey Dance
Squad, despite the controversy
regarding this issue. It is a separate
entity from the University and Hype
is not a University society because
even though they will be rehearsing
and performing at Surrey, they
hope to participate various hip-
hop competitions and festivals in
the wider dance field.
Hype is a non-profit group and they
dance solely for the pleasure of
entertainment. So if you’d like to
see them in action, come to Rubix
on Wednesday 16th during the last
week of Uni. You have no excuse
not to be out!
A far cry from his dazzlingly-glitzy, magical production
of The Nutcracker! Matthew Bourne’s Dorian Gray
uncovered the depths of his dark side. The story of
one man’s hunger for everlasting youth and eternal
beauty ends in tragedy. Bourne’s choice to set
Oscar Wilde’s classic in the 21st century exposed an
unsettling truth: Dorian still exists in today’s society.
Bourne substituted Wilde’s hidden portrait in the
attic for the incessant flash of the camera and the
endless roll of digital photographs. This modern day
twist emphasised Dorian’s narcissism, the multiple
replicas of his face making reference to the celebrity
culture of our time.
Bourne boldly explores the powerful relationship between sex and death. In the beginning the dancers are in
a white studio, their beautiful bodies lean and their bright faces fresh. In nothing but their black underwear
they strike poses for the camera; Bourne at once captures their pulsating youth and hints at their naked
vulnerability as they bask in the shimmering lens. Sharp, angular movements are employed, framing the
face. Sex sells. Bourne’s movement is characteristically quite literal and his dynamics theatrical. In the
second half, the story descends into darkness and the dancers’ nudity takes on sinister meaning: in the very
same underwear they hang limply from the staging and sprawled across the furniture. Their naked bodies
sexualise the atmosphere of death and murder, revealing the corruption of Dorian’s mind.
Choreographically and emotively it was the intense duet between Dorian (Richard Wilson/Jared Hagemen)
and Basil (Jason Piper/Christopher Marney) which stood out. The chemistry between the two male dancers
was overwhelming. Erotically charged, the dancers chased each other wildly, the urgent dynamic suggesting
their longing for one another. The lighting highlighted their muscular torsos flexing and releasing as they
used their strength to pull towards and push away from one another. In a series of floor rolls and handstands
homosexual innuendos were explicit: in a blindly ecstatic moment Basil pulled Dorian’s head furiously toward
his pelvis, throwing his head back in pleasure.
At times it was hard to engage with the characters, particularly with Dorian. Driven by twisted passions, their
harsh exteriors were difficult to warm to. The devastating interplay of external beauty and internal ugliness
shaped the piece: we watched in fear and fascination as his fame and adoration bred a monster inside him.
The final scene was distressing. Having killed Basil in a climactic sexual triumph he turns on himself. Bourne
uses two dancers to play the final murder perhaps to signify the duplicitous man he has become. In bed he
suffocates his other self before lying dead.

For more information contact The cameras return to stage, commanded by the paparazzi. Pictures are taken compulsively, grotesquely
Rachel Leyland. chronicling Dorian’s tainted tragedy. Even in death his soul is irretrievably lost to the curse of fame. We
were left feeling shaken – a powerful warning about the destructiveness of vanity and the human lust for
immortality.
 35
Jasmin Vardimon Company YESTERDAY
Robin Howard Theatre, London Contemporary Dance School  screams, groans frequent the aural, as a release of the emotional
engagement within the work. The oriental dancer, lying on her front is
White blinds from ceiling to floor occupy the stage; the audience buzzing close to tears when drawing on her body in marker pen, this being in
to see the delights of Jasmin Vardimon’s YESTERDAY, a collection full view of the personal camcorder, providing a mirror into her heart.
and celebration of the company’s repertoire. Those who know who of Despite the extreme anguish that the characters, and consequently the
Vardimon’s distinct style may hazard a guess as to what is to come, dancers endure, humour provides a light relief to which the audience
however, those who are new to the company’s work can only imagine. relish.  

YESTERDAY’s musical accompaniment is diverse to say the very least. Choreography features a male unison section: sensitive, fluid, quite
Operatic, techno/electronic, industrial accompaniment, are just some of effeminate and yet a female unison section provides direct, powerful,
the genres used, in addition to percussive sounds of the body. Costume qualities that evoke those associated with men. Here Vardimon explores
choices within the performance are equally diverse. Jeans, suit, dress role reversal, therefore breaking down gender codes and redefining how
each representing a character and a story within itself, and although men and women conduct themselves through movement. 
impractical at times, they are successful in enhancing that character. 
The ensemble appear to the audience, as ‘ordinary’, not dancers at YESTERDAY, in all its glory, presents the dancer as fragile and
all. Perhaps it is this that allows for such believable portrayals of hard-impressionable; bringing out raw emotion and intellect of the company.
hitting issues; a realistic approach that the audience can identify with.  Deployment of visual effects brings the setting of the performance to
the modern-day viewer, whilst the narrative and movement content
This piece has elements of physical theatre.  One might note the use of establish the work and, indeed the company as ground-breaking in their
narration in a fight scene between patient and virus, humour isolating the approach and style. 
situation, breaking away from the emotion of the dance. Consequently,
dancers of the company should be praised for fully embodying the by Lucy Al-Zoghbi
movement, in terms of physicality and emotional involvement. Breath,

A Night of Indian Classical Dance with

by Lili Thorn Gent

Shantala Shivalingappa - ‘Shiva Ganga’ 
The four musicians sat on stage, a melodious singer adding to the atmosphere.
Candles lit up a dark corner of the stage and a single dancer walked on in pitch
black, but only the jingle of her ankle bells let us know she was there. When the
lights shone down, we saw she was beautiful, dressed in red and gold.

She performed Kuchipudi from Southern India. Fast footwork entailed, deep pliés, 
smooth, gentle, gestural movement. The musicians recited ‘Bol’, the spoken drum
beats, making it comical and playing off one another: one announced his name to
be James Bond whilst blowing dust off his fingers.

Then after the stage turned blue, her costume too, she stepped onto a brass plate,
twisting on it with precision - impressive. After each dance, a voice from nowhere
told us the story behind each piece, one depicting Hindu god Ganesh, another
about the river Ganges.

 For her finale, the end image in my mind was her spinning on her knees around the stage, fast pace, sleek, quick, stunning.

Have you seen something lately

that you’d like to tell us about?

Email us now at dancedeskstag@gmail.com

 with

DJs

Wednesday 9th December

Citrus with Dirty Retro DJs

www.dirtyretro.com

10pm – 2am

Tickets available
from the Bookshop
Protected logo for use in colour posters
Protected logo for use in b/w posters
or those with red background
25
 38
38

Film Get the popcorn ready...... general attitude towards the marauding gangs Sociology, details that are generally overlooked
Harry Brown (18) of gun-wielding adolescents that plague the by critics who have discarded the film as Daily
underpasses in Daniel Barber’s cliché urban Mail propaganda for the ever-growing problem
nightmare. of anti-social behaviour.

“To them out there, it’s just entertainment”
seethes a grief-stricken Michael Caine in
his latest role as Harry Brown - the widowed
pensioner turned vigilante. Such is the
Viewers who turn up expecting an ironic
Gran Torino-meets-Lock Stock shoot fest are
definitely in for a shock. With mobile-recorded
shootings of distraught mothers, casual
pedestrian assault and Caine averaging an on-
screen breakdown of once every four minutes,
a light-hearted British flick this ain’t.
Yet Harry Brown excels in suspense. A slow
build up of dripping taps, distant sirens and
lingering glances generate an intense, hyper-
real atmosphere that permeates an immersing *****
yet repulsive landscape of grey skies and graffiti.
The mundane repetition of the run down council by Thomas Goulding
estate reflects the broken-window theories of
The concept of an elderly retiree dispatching
vengeance on stereotypical delinquents,
interwoven with extended scenes of prolonged
tension succeeded by short outbursts of
gratuitous violence makes for a surreal but
fairly weak plot. However, those who enjoy an
extra helping of grit with their popcorn will not
be disappointed. Besides, it just wouldn’t be
Christmas without Michael Caine brightening
our screens, whatever the context.

Paranormal Activity (15, Oren Peli)

This is the huge success story that swept
the box office in the US. It started with a
15,000-dollar budget and through the trailer
of people jumping out of their seats; the public
were determined to endure it. It now stands at
more than 100 million dollars at the US box
office, and the hype has surpassed the film.
The basis is that a young couple are convinced
there are supernatural beings in their house.
Katie is seen to be the victim and Micah is
recording the whole experience on his camera.
In the same way as The Last Broadcast and
(most well known) The Blair Witch Project the
tape is picked up later on.
For a lot of people who have not seen many
horror films this will give a chill to their spines.
Personally, I have two problems. One, I do not
think it is as scary as the quotes on the poster
make it out to be, and two, the characters do
start become annoying.
On the plus side, I think it is well made and
it does sustain the tension well up until the
payoff. A good example is the use of the static
camera and the ticker at the bottom fast-
forwarding. You feel that something is about
happen and to puritans of horror that is where *****
it glues you to your seat. by Ollie Sim

The White Ribbon (15, Michael Haneke)

town prior to the First World War. It starts with
the doctor injured when a concealed thin wire
trips his horse. After that moment, heinous
and strange events happen to the town with
acts of vandalism and sudden violence. The
townspeople are left angry and disturbed, but
most of all, are left confused by who is behind
the acts.
Like with the director’s previous work Hidden
(2005), the goings-on are traced back to
Michael Haneke likes to treat his audience like childhood and the system of punishments
grown-ups. The winner of this year’s Palme d’Or that are undergone. One boy is strapped to his
at the Cannes Film Festival might as well be bed to resist any unnatural urges. Also, two
his best work to date. The themes surrounding children are subjected to the humiliation of the
The White Ribbon are tenfold. The film needs ‘white ribbon’ around their arm to remind them
patience and attention, but what you are left of their impurity. *****
with is a haunting film that is sticks in your
mind when you leave the cinema. What Michael Haneke never reveals is what the by Ollie Sim
audience can translate. An example is the use
The story is set in a Protestant North German of edits to conceal the truth and the implied
sexual abuse going on behind closed doors.
When a young boy opens the door to see the
doctor with a young teenager, she explains
tearfully that, “I’ve just pierced my ears”.
What may frustrate some audiences is how it
never goes for easy answers. In fact, the only
hint we are given is the conclusion that the
schoolmaster (our narrator) suggests to the
pastor, who quickly dismisses it. We are free to
make up our own minds. What Haneke does in
the meantime is carry a hint of what Tarkovsky
did with films such as The Mirror (1975), cause
uncertainty over what seems the smallest of
moments.
 39
The Descent Part 2 (18, Jon Harris)
This is the other horror film, which still uses enter the cave…again.
the same tactics as the original, but with less
verve. So if you want to be jumped out of your I do not understand the reason for going back
seat, this is the better bet. to the same routine. Nor does the new film
convince me. If anyone is planning to see this,
The story picks up from the original (why they then I do refer you to Neil Marshall’s original
had to carry on, I don’t know) where Sarah film. It is far scarier and more psychologically
escapes from the cavern. She stumbles across terrifying than this footnote.
a local diner, where she suffers severe trauma.
So what do you do when someone is in shock? *****
Go back to scene of course. With the local
sheriff and another team of cave dwellers, they by Ollie Sim

DO YOU LIKE FILMS?

FRONT ROW Is back!

As Film Editor of The Stag, I urge any film fans to join Front Row.
It is headed by me and includes people who love to discover, watch
and enjoy films.
We are not all about new films. Our aims are for people to enjoy
films that you might have heard (or not) and hear your views on
what we should show.
The FACEBOOK group has been started under ‘Front Row’.
Do join! We’ll let you know our next AGM meeting and we will get
this up and running.

Enjoy the cinematic experience!


The Best and Worst of 2009
Best Films of 2009 conflicted environment.
1. Let The Right One In (Tomas Worst Films of 2009
Alfredson)
1. Transformers 2: Revenge of the
See Page 42. Fallen (Michael Bay)
Repugnant, loud, misogynistic, chauvinistic,
evil minded, rotten, and downright terrible.
Those are a few things to describe
Transformers 2, but what makes it all the
more worse is that nitwits actually went to
see it. I hope you are happy. For the others, I
call a boycott to the release of the DVD.
2. The Hurt Locker (Kathryn Bigelow)
A delirious, macho and visually stunning film
that is the best film about the Iraqi conflict
to date. Not so much about politics, but
more about men and the heat that drives
them.
3. The White Ribbon (Michael
Haneke)
2. Miss March (Trevor Moore, Zach
Possibly Michael Haneke’s most accomplished Cregger)
film and as with most of Haneke’s films,
he never lets you off easy. Mysterious and Stars dingbats, directed by dingbats and
disturbing, it is worth your patience. written by dingbats, for dingbats. Make note,
never see anything that stars Hugh Hefner
4. Up (Pete Doctor) or endorsed by Hugh Hefner. You’ll thank me
later.
Pixar’s best film since Toy Story is funny,
touching and sparkled with wit. It stretches 3. Dance Flick (Damien Dante Wayans)
the gap between adults and children with an
opening sequence that is truly beautiful. The fact that the Wayans Brothers are the
most successful black filmmakers should
be a good thing. No, it turns out. I just wish
everyone would stop doing movie parodies. It
is thoroughly painful to watch that you wish
you were dumb and stupid. It would help an
awful lot.
4. Bride Wars (Gary Winick)
The first film I saw of 2009 just gave me
a haunting indication at how bad this year
was going to be. I would feel sorry if I were a
female watching this. I would give up faith of
the stance in women’s rights. It gives chick
flicks a terribly bad name.
5. 31 North 62 East (Tristan Loraine)
5. Katyn (Andrzej Wajda)
Thank goodness this had a limited release.
Haunting reminder of the soldiers who were This supposed ‘psychological thriller’ is an
swept under the rug by the Soviets during appalling commentary on no matter how low
World War II. A lavish film that puts resources your budget is it will never escape the fact
to great uses and committed in portraying a that it is embarrassingly awful.
40
Editors’ Pick
of the Noughties
Steff Lever (Deputy Editor - Design)
A Walk To Remember (2002)
My favourite film of this decade would be A Walk to
Remember with the main actors/actresses, Mandy
Moore and Shane West. Even though the film is of
the romantic genre, it is not typical as it includes a
saddening twist halfway through. It would be a must
film for any girl and even a guy would like this one.
David Holt (Sports Editor)
The Dark Knight (2008)
I know, I know, it’s an obvious choice, but I
absolutely LOVED this film. It’s one of the few films
I can watch over and over again and Heath Ledger’s
performance as The Joker is brilliant. For once,
Christian Bale’s wooden acting actually suits the
character and everything clicks so well. Love it.
Eunice Njagi (Literature Editor)
Love Me If You Dare (2003) (French title: Jeux
d’enfants)
Why? It essentially came down to either this or Hard
Candy, but I do adore everything about this slightly
twisted romantic comedy, and I’ve lost count how
many times I’ve watched it!
Mariam Nasir (Features Editor)
Pirates of the Caribbean Trilogy (2003/2006/2007)
Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom put together
with swords fights and a thrilling storyline - how
could this not be a blockbuster? The fact that all
three movies are amazing is commendable since
most trilogies aren’t very good. This movie defines
the decade for me - fun, experimental and clever.
Favourite Line: “Why is the rum gone?” Epic!
Ben Pook (News Editor)
Finding Nemo (2003)
It’s difficult not to enjoy or at least appreciate a
film about talking fish. But, Finding Nemo doesn’t
simply represent an enjoyable cartoon for kids. The
film teaches fish-lovers of all ages about respect,
determination and stereotypes, while carefully
maintaining a subtle tone of humour throughout
the entire movie. My favourite character is the giant
Australian turtle, Crush. I still question why he is yet
to have his own spin-off.
Ankur Banerjee (Copy Editor)
The Machinist (2004)
A brilliant psychological thriller, The Machinist is
quite an unsettling watch. Features probably the
best acting that Christian Bale has done so far. Love
the use of symbolism throughout the movie.
 41
The Ten Best Films of the Decade
To me, this decade has been a remarkable boom for my interest in film. It is
very unjustified to sum up a decade of film with a ‘Top Ten’, but then again (as
you well know), there are so many films out there.
In a world where online criticism and fanboy culture have been the prime
influence, we should take a step back. It would be easy for any cynic to
say that this decade has been insignificant, but that is simply not true. With
the emergence of DVD and the Internet, you can now collect a whole back-
catalogue of a director’s work. It has also been easier to share opinions with
one another across the world.
All this is mainly thanks to technology, but what about the films themselves?
When it comes to a poll made up of ‘Ain’t It Cool News’ members, number
one will be The Dark Knight. Personally, whenever I hear that film on top, I
start to grind my teeth. Why? Because too often, those are the people who
are too selective about what they see. My advise to anyone is to think outside
your zone. A cliché, I know, but great films are so precious and when I hear
that Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen has beaten box office records, it is
almost like a chauvinistic drunk has pushed you to the ground.
What I urge to people is that no matter how short your attention span might be,
you at least find out about these films. Some films are ones that people might
already know or some that you may not know. It does not matter because the
great thing about where we are today is that you can easily access them. I
hope you agree with the choices made:
1. There Will Be Blood (2007, Dir: Paul Thomas Anderson)
Now is a very good time to bring up this extravagant film. With the release date
of Avatar fast approaching, James Cameron has always maintained that, “3-D
is the future”, “It will change the face of cinema”. Well here is my thought: 3-D
is a fad, a gimmick, it always was. I am very sceptical about Avatar “changing
the face of cinema”, but if there is one film this decade that has been close
to opening our minds about cinema, it is There Will Be Blood.
Does There Will Be Blood do it with 3-D? No. So, how does it become the
film of the decade? It goes for everything, and does everything not just right,
but beyond expectation. Even I was caught off guard because the first time
I watched There Will Be Blood, I had no idea where the film was going. It is
like being on a rickety, runaway train and you do not know when it is going to
stop.
When you see the Miramax logo, you start to hear this faint ringing of strings
in your ear coming from the gargantuan score by Jonny Greenwood (yes,
out of Radiohead). It then builds and builds, the pitch gets higher and you
do not know how high your senses will take. The film finally fades into this
decollate almost inhospitable environment. The loudness from the strings
almost translates into the establishing shot of the film. From there on in, there
is no dialogue for twenty minutes. It is an audacious piece of filmmaking and
from the title sequence, you are absolutely mesmerised by the scale of this
film. Although you do not know where the story goes, you have this feeling of
impending doom.
Daniel Day Lewis gives a barnstorming performance (a voice reminiscing John
Huston’s Noah Cross in Chinatown) that portrays a character full of suppressed
rage and contempt for everyone around him (“I see the worst in people”). It
is a master class in acting that used to be present in Olivier’s finest roles. The
transformation from a prospector clipping away trying to earn a worthy lifestyle
to a bitter, worn hunchback is fascinating.
To say There Will Be Blood is an epic is like saying the Mona Lisa is just a
woman. The brilliant thing about There Will Be Blood is that there are issues
scattered everywhere about greed, war, land, capitalism, oil and anger, but like
the best films out there, it never flags them. It is there to find, and at the same
time it is marvellous to watch the kind of filmmaking that comes so rarely.
The main credit goes to Paul Thomas Anderson who never gives up on any of
the elements that make up There Will Be Blood. In every one of his films so
far (Hard Eight, Boogie Nights, Magnolia, Punch-Drunk Love), even the most
cynical critic has to agree there are moments that show the makings of a
superlative filmmaker. Here is him at his peak, but hopefully not burnt out.
THE MOMENT:
Although most people refer to the now infamous finale (“I drink your
milkshake!”), the moment where everything hits the roof is when the oil
derrick comes across the “ocean of oil”. The breakthrough is so strong that it
deafens H.W. (The main character’s adopted son). Que the ascending drums
and the geyser of oil that ignites. A cloud of darkness covers the landscape as
onlookers look on in quivering uncertainty and condemnation.
2. The Return (2003, Dir: Andrey Zvyagintsev)
Based around the director’s own experience is a coming-of-age, tragic, and
disturbing portrait of independence, but also despair. The story is a dark,
uncompromising test of manhood centred around two brothers whose father
returns after a twelve-year absence. Shortly after his return, he decides to
take them both on a mysterious trip to an unknown island.
What is remarkable is how restrained the film is in revealing almost nothing
about where, who and why. Where are we going? Who is their father? Is he
their father and why now? It is almost horrific in the sense that we are revealed
a lot more about the father’s character and how the two boys react to him.
The atmosphere is so cold that you are almost alienated by their situation.
The audience are given no privileges. The tense relationship is unbearable,
strict, but at the same time heartbreaking knowing that the boys are almost at
breaking point. They are not ready to confront the harsh aspects of life and as
an audience; we are just as vulnerable as the two boys. It is a personal, sad,
flawless piece of work.
THE MOMENT:
Both boys (Ivan and Audrey) are torn apart by their relationship with the father.
Ivan, who is the youngest, is isolated and does not approve of the father.
When the three get to the island, Ivan is tired of being treated badly by the
father that he threatens him with a knife.
Ivan runs to a decollated watchtower where the father pursues him. He warns
that he is ready to jump from the tower in an act of devastation. The father
pleads Ivan to come down and talk to him. As the father climbs up, the
unfortunate happens.
In the last ten minutes of the film, there is hardly any dialogue, just the feeling
of bitter confusion and sudden loss.
3. United 93 (2006, Dir: Paul Greengrass)
Over the years, Paul Greengrass has gone from docudrama extraordinaire to
mega budget Hollywood success, but what is great about him is that he has
never lost touch or sold out. Even when he is committed to the Bourne series,
he has always managed to capture the kinetic energy and physicality that
many Hollywood action movies lack.
Between the two Bourne films (Supremacy and Ultimatum), he made United
93. From what could have been a footnote in an exceptional résumé, it has
become a startling indication of what cinema can do to an audience. It can
leave them jaw-dropped and put in an uncomfortable position.
The film chronicles the real-life turmoil that was September 11th, 2001 and
the flight that failed to reach its target, Flight United 93. At the same time we
are placed in the positions of air traffic controllers who struggle to come to
terms with the events that are unravelling..

It is in recent memory, one of the most uncomfortable exploitations of
privileged spectatorship. Over the course of the film, it is always stuck in the
back of our minds of what happened on that fateful day. The authenticity is
unpalatable and the fear that still lingers today that every day activities can
take an unexpected turn.
Every move the film seems to make is a wise one and that is incredibly
hard to do with the subject at hand. The use of largely unknown actors, the
use of handheld videography and the fact that Paul Greengrass never over-
emphasises.
A great example is the well-known phrase, “Let’s Roll” that was used
by passenger Todd Beamer on the hijacked flight. It is faintly heard in the
background and it is never, ‘the Catchphrase of the Week’ it is just an everyday
lingo used to anticipate the worst, caught in among many whispers.
It is undoubtedly hard to watch, but this is a remarkable film that mixes
reconstruction with formidable filmmaking. It is detailed in its use of authenticity
to portray real characters with real lives. To get to the point, it is about people
that regrettably and unknowingly walked into an unfortunate event. It is brave
and devastating but it is not just that. It could not have been bettered.
THE MOMENT:
Hindsight is key to the film that makes many small, significant moments. The
passenger who gets to check in just before the gate closes, is heartbreaking.
Also, when United 93 is caught in ‘rush-hour traffic’ at Newark, it makes the
audience wish it could be late enough for them hear the news about the other
hijackings.
Obviously, the most dreaded moment of the film is when the passengers try
to storm the cockpit. As an audience, there is the thought in the back of your
mind that they might just make it to safety. Unfortunately and inevitably, it is
not so. Among the chaos, there is a cockpit view of the ground getting closer
and closer. When the plane does hit, the film goes to a blackout. Never has
an audience been abruptly silenced. It is all we need to know.
4. The Lives of Others (2006, Dir: Florian Henckel von
Donnersmarck)
Probably the most deserved Oscar for Best Foreign Language film in a long
time. Also, probably the most auspicious debut this decade for this 33-year
old writer and director. This highly sophisticated film is more about character
transformation and emotional solitude than it is about the Stasi movement in
East Germany. It achieves both in a proficient and in an affecting way.
The film is centred on a Stasi agent, Wiesler (performed to perfection by
the late Ulrich Mule), whose life is parallel to the subjects he is assigned
to spy on: a playwright and his actress girlfriend. While he is listening in on
the couple’s conversations, events unfold and Wiesler is conflicted about his
position amongst the private life of the couple.
It sounds like a set-up typical of narrative cinema, but in fact it is as exemplary
as a finely polished novel. The characters are delicate in their own way. Wiesler
is a character that is full of loneliness that any other film would be focusing
more on the job at hand. It is the subtle sleight-of-hand that make moments
in The Lives of Others, special.
THE MOMENT:
The ending is masterful and the most upbeat you are ever likely to have in a
single decade. All it took was four words and it brings a tear to your eye.
After the fall of the Berlin Wall, Dreyman (the playwright) learns that not only
was his flat bugged, but also the official spying on him (Wiesler) went against
filmdeskstag@gmail.com
42
the state and covered up his deeds. He only knows Wiesler by his agent
number, HGW XX/7. Moved by his actions, Dreyman writes a novel about his
experiences.
His novel gets published and passing by a bookshop window is Wiesler, who
is now selling advertisement leaflets. He spots a banner of Drayman’s new
book and goes inside to find that the book is dedicated; ‘To HGW XX/7, with
gratitude’.
As he brings the book to the counter, he is asked if he would like the book gift-
wrapped. He replies, “No, it’s for me”. We see a faint smile on his face and
that simple, slight lift of the face is enough to make anyone feel moved.
5. Let The Right One In (2008, Dir: Tomas Alfredson)
This is a welcoming reinvention of the vampire genre. It is tender, but never
sentimental; chilling, but never scary; romantic, but never mawkish. Where
can you place Let The Right One In? The great thing is that is does not matter
because whatever sub-genre it belongs to, it never strays down the wrong
path.
It is the best film of the year and is the best fantasy film of the decade. It
deserves its place along weird, but wonderful fantasy horrors such as Pan’s
Labyrinth, The Spirit of the Beehive and The Orphanage. Like with all these
films, it never resorts to visceral content and what the Saw makers will never
understand is that true horror comes from the heart, not the eyes.
THE MOMENT:
Eli is a vampire and can only survive on blood (well, duh). In order to do so,
her carer (Hakan), slaughters bystanders and drains them for blood. The first
time we see him try to do so, he fails. The second time we see him, he makes
a mistake and is in a situation where he is surrounded. Trapped, he gives up
and pours the acid he was supposed to use on the victim over his own face
to conceal his identity.
In a later scene, Eli goes to the hospital and sits outside the window where
Hakan is being treated. In an act of desperation a disfigured Hakan stumbles
over to the window and pulls out his life support ventilator. He leans out
towards Eli and offers his blood before falling out.
6. Grizzly Man (2005, Dir: Werner Herzog)
A profound documentary that shows the tapes that Timothy Treadwell used to
observe and live amongst the grizzly bears. Werner Herzog could not be a more
fitting person for the job of piecing together the mindset of Timothy Treadwell.
Not only are the tapes used to capture the mind of a confused, unbalanced
yet enigmatic figure, but also to showcase a sense of awe that Timothy’s films
produced.
Timothy Treadwell lived with the bears for 13 years in order to escape the
mass-hysteria of public life. He thought that he was part of the bears and was
a soldier protecting them. Unfortunately, the inevitable happened when he
and his girlfriend were killed in their tent by one of the bears in 2003.
It is a dark side to the nature documentary when the person is the focus, not
the animal. On many instances we see Timothy be erratic on camera, and we
realise that no matter how Timothy tried, he was never part of the bears.
What Werner does is show nature in its truest form. His narration is spellbinding,
but he never interferes with the footage. He lets the footage do the talking
and when he does speak, he speaks with grace. He points out the bitter truth:
there is no kinship between man and the bear.
 43
THE MOMENT:
Werner is wise beyond words. He listens to Timothy’s last tape on a camera
where it is just audio with no picture. We cannot hear it as an audience,
although Werner describes briefly some of the things he is hearing.
He asks for the widow to stop the tape, he cannot listen to any more. Soon
after, he advises her to never listen to the tape and destroy it. It seems right,
but we never know exactly what happened on the tape. It is just an enigma.
7. Sideways (2004, Dir: Alexander Payne)
This film is the most pleasurable film this decade. The story is about two men.
Miles (Paul Giamatti), a failed novelist, divorced, who is an oenophile and Jack
(Thomas Haden Church), a friend who wants to sow his wild oats before he
gets married. They both go on a bachelor’s trip to wine country in California
and meet two women for whom they have affection.
It is a dislikeable premise, but Alexander Payne (the deft writer-director of
Election and About Schmidt) makes the characters understandable because
they are men. Just men doing what buddies would do before reality creeps up
on them. The pairing also makes the film incredibly funny and human. Kudos
to the fine acting all around.
The film has an eye not just for witty dialogue, but also for setting. Such as
the motel near the junction to the highway. It feels positively true and the
characters are well rounded, such as when Jack sprays deodorant on his feet
before going out. It is a very manly action that seems rather pathetic, but true.
Overall, the film feels incredibly satisfying and hardly puts a foot wrong.
THE MOMENT:
In a scene with Miles and Maya (who Miles takes a fondness to), they enquire
about what is the best wine they have stored away. Miles mentions that he is
saving a 1961 Chateau Chevel Blanc for a “special occasion”. Maya urges him
to open the bottle when he gets home, because of its rare taste and value.
Later when Jack gets married, Miles skips the reception in order to rush
home and get out the bottle. In the next scene we see him lonely in a fast
food restaurant where he slips the wine into his polystyrene cup. Miles was
planning to open the bottle with his ex-wife on their tenth wedding anniversary.
It is downbeat, but it is rather poignant.
8. Etre et Avoir (2002, Dir: Nicolas Philibert)
In the end, you have to admire teachers for what they do. This documentary
accounts the year of a primary school in the tiny commune of Saint-Etien ne-
sur-Usson in central France. The main hero is Georges Lopez who teaches the
children and deals with the issues they face day after day.
The documentary is very detailed and it is captivating to watch such a dedicated
and patient teacher deal with a wide range of children aged four to twelve.
What you have is an admiration for the school environment and the respect
that the teacher gives to the children. Whether it is over fights or making
cakes, the documentary holds it own, observed significance.
THE MOMENT:
At the end of the film, it is the beginning of the summer holidays and Georges
Lopez says goodbye to his pupils for the last time. His pupils kiss him on the
cheek on the way out, with the occasional individual joke (“I’ll hold these two
behind”).
When all of the pupils leave, there is a long pause where we see Georges look
on proud and on the verge of tears. He is fulfilled to see his pupils happy and
learning. He knows he has done his job for the year and you know he is one
of a kind.
9. Capote (2005, Dir: Bennett Miller)
In 1990, Janet Malcolm wrote an essay about the approaches used in
journalism called The Journalist and the Murderer. It questioned the tactics used
by author Joe McGinniss and his relationship with the subject (the murderer).
Janet says, “Every journalist who is not too stupid or too full of himself to
notice what is going on knows that what he does is morally indefensible.” This
is such the case with Truman Capote and his subject Perry Smith.
Capote is an underrated exposition of Truman Capote’s making of In Cold
Blood. The novel which created the non-fiction crime genre, is not so much
about the making of the novel, but more about the moral ethics used into
creating a piece of literature. Here, the finger is not pointed at Perry Smith or
Dick Hickock (the perpetrators), but at Truman Capote himself.
What is remarkable about this ‘biopic’ is that the films distances it from the
subject it is portraying. Here, Capote is determined to write his book and his
attachment to Perry is unjustified. The only reason is getting the information
he wants for the book. There is only a fake kindred relationship. The film is not
afraid to show that.
THE MOMENT:
Truman Capote’s fellow novelist and friend (and most likely his conscience),
Nelle Harper Lee encourages Truman to attend the 1964 premiere of the film
adaptation To Kill A Mockingbird. At the after-party, he is sitting alone at the
bar with a cigarette held up in a snooty posture.
Nelle walks up towards the bar where Truman is egotistic and full of self-pity.
We see Truman for once, not being the centre of the party that we saw at the
beginning. He does not care for Nelle’s success, only his own. He mutters, “I
don’t know what all the fuss is about”.
10. No Country For Old Men (2007, Dir: Joel Coen, Ethan
Coen)
The Coen Brothers always stand on a seesaw with me. Irksome (Raising Arizona,
The Hudsucker Proxy, The Big Lebowski, Intolerable Cruelty, The Ladykillers,
Burn After Reading) or they can be intriguing (Blood Simple, Miller’s Crossing,
Barton Fink, Fargo, The Man Who Wasn’t There). No Country For Old Men is
their best film since Fargo and it goes back to their roots in Blood Simple.
It is a moral dilemma with all the impending consequences. Josh Brolin plays
a Texan who comes across a satchel of money left from a drug deal gone
wrong. The evil pursuing him is personified within Javier Bardem as Anton
Chigurh (sporting a Peter Tork haircut). Meanwhile, you have the aging sheriff
struggling to come to terms with the way the world has changed.
The Coen’s always seem to work to their full potential when they mix the
brooding material with comic grit. No Country For Old Men is beautifully shot
by Roger Deakins and it certainly never leads astray from the original source
material. Out of all the Best Picture winners this decade, this is the best.
THE MOMENT:
The ending caught everyone off guard for those who have not read the novel,
but it is a sensible and moving ending. Amongst the chaos, the humanity
comes from Sheriff Tom Bell (Tommy Lee Jones) who cannot understand how
the world can deal with this form of evil.
Like with Fargo and Marge Gunderson, the film ends on a heart-rending note.
Tom Bell describes two dreams to his wife both involving his deceased father:
one, of how he lost ‘some money’. The second dream is about him and his
father riding on horses through a mountain pass. The father goes ahead of
Tom to set up a fire. Tom knows that his father will be waiting for him when
he arrives.
“…And then I woke up”. The film goes to credits, and a reminder of what good
can come out of sticking to the source material.

Literature Get those creative juices flowing....
(Read, or sing, to the tune of Cliff Rich-
ard’s ‘Mistletoe & Wine’)
The bells are ringing, the carollers are singing,
Snow lands on the grass, the laughter’s begin-
ning.
The fire starts to crackle; the men’s voices are
low,
The robins are chirping, happiness flows and
flows.
Christmas time, Jackie’s on the wine,
Her children are trudging in sewers through the
slime.
No support from their father, no way off the
streets,
Some broken glass to the wrist seems their only
reprieve.
Mulled wine is served, the oranges so sweet,
Uncle Jack is tipsy and can’t stay on his feet.
His wife starts to mutter, his son rolls his eyes,
His daughter’s smile sparkles, she’s his little
prize.
Christmas time, Robbie starts to smile,
But the hooded youths just spit and call him
‘vile!’
They punch him through the fire; they kick him
in the teeth,
His eyes start to close and his last thought is
‘Just Say Yes’
If you try to imagine a world without the written
word, it’s a pretty daunting prospect. Not just
because there would be no books to read
(devastating I know) but also because there
would be no written manuals or even birthday
cards. Ok, a pretty extreme example, but it does
prove that writing reaches a lot wider than just
novels.
A more down to earth portrayal of this was seen
on the 16th of November. The ‘That’s a Bit of Us’
exhibition in the AC building was a display to
commemorate the community project that had
taken place in Park Barn and Westborough 08-
09. The scheme gave all local residents a chance
to make a clay pebble that would represent
something significant in either their past present
or future. The result was a diverse and colourful
display of pebbles made by all ages, and each with
its own special symbolic value. However Helen
Hienkens-Lewis (Head of Learning at the Watts
Gallery where the exhibition was held for almost
a month) realised quite early on that someone
would be needed to document the project as it
ran throughout the spring and summer.
Enter Jennifer McConnell; a now third year
student at Surrey studying Culture Media and
Communications (with Professional English). She
took on the role of Writer in Residence as part
of her work experience, and essentially became
the voice of the community. Given the task to
‘creeps.’
Love is in the air, Joey starts to stare,
Carrie takes his eyes off her chest and starts to
swear.
It’s all in good humour, though his mum’s not
best pleased,
Her first Christmas at the neighbours, how she’ll
always be teased.
Christmas time, Rex lets out a whine,
His master’s lips are blue, of life there’s no sign.
The knife’s not yet hoary, warm blood shouts
out ‘Crime!’
Not all broken hearts are mended with time.
Christmas time, eyes open wide,
A policeman is coming maybe he’ll provide.
But he gets out his baton and beats him round
the head,
‘One less dirty swine on the streets,’ he said.
Christmas time, Molly cries and cries,
She’s three months old and her body’s covered
in grime.
Her mother watches over, she wants to save her
from this life,
She puts her hands on Molly’s neck and watch-
es her die.
Merry Christmas.
by Bhavan Aujla
create the descriptions that would accompany
the display, as well as an overall report, she
interacted with the community members, and
found out what inspired their pebble designs.
Speaking to everyone who took part, from children
to elderly member of the community was clearly
no easy task, but Jen said she felt “privileged,
to be able talk to everyone and to represent the
University.”
That’s not to say her work didn’t have its
challenges. She admits to meeting some “really
bizarre characters” and having to tailor her writing
out of University-mode, so that it could be read
by everyone. It also meant being selective in the
quotes she used, and choosing which personal
message to highlight was one of the hardest
tasks. That said, she truly enjoyed the experience
and the finished result is definitely something for
her, and the entire community, to always be proud
of. Her advice for fellow students? “Embrace
every opportunity because at our age we don’t
get many. Just say yes! You never know what it
might turn into or how it will affect your CV.”
by Eunice Njagi
For further details about the project, visit http://
www.wattsgallery.org.uk/learn_ThatsaBitofUs.
html, where you can see more of the pebbles
made.
44
The Deceitful Cat
Strolling out of the gym, the darkness of the cold
still air cools me as I make my way to the car park.
In the distance, the darkness is emphasised by
the only light coming from the festive decorations
illuminating the town. My split sole trainers crunch
against the icy ground causing me to cautiously
think about the pace of my feet - so I slow down.
The chill of the air makes me feel uncomfortable
as I quickly place my hands into my pockets. My
fingers caress my car keys, in hope that my hands
will warm up in such cold temperatures, the keys
are conveniently placed for ease of opening as I
reach the car door.
As I reach my car I sigh, partly with relief, and partly
because I can’t wait to get home. After a hard day’s
work of nine to five and the gym that followed, I
can positively say I’m knackered. The lack of sleep
from the night before has certainly not helped, as
the disappearance of Minstrel roamed my mind. I
can easily say I’m lost without her, and after five
days of her being missing, I long for the comfort of
her presence and her soft sooty coat.
As I begin to drive along the road towards my
house, I begin to search, wondering if Minstrel
could be hiding. In this cold weather she would be
freezing. As I pulled up outside my house a faint
and unfamiliar sound occupied my ears. I decided
to turn off the engine and directed my eyes towards
the pathway outside. There wasn’t anyone to be
seen. Thinking that I must not have heard what I
did, I climbed out of the car, slamming the door
behind me.
At once, I hear a strong, once faint, sound of a cat.
However, the meow remained unfamiliar, and with
that I decided it couldn’t possibly be my Minstrel.
I headed to the front gate outside my house. For
a minute I had forgotten all about the whining cat
- until it made that sound again. I turned around
and saw this sooty coated black cat beneath my
feet. I stared at it in curiosity, there was something
endearing about the way that it had approached
me and the way it was now staring - as if it was
longing for attention.
The persuasion of the cat made me at ease as
I bent down to lightly stroke its head. The cat
purred in approval and therefore encouraged me
more. I missed Minstrel dearly, and for a moment
I imagined this cat to be her, devoting all my love
and care for her. I smiled as the cat lay down on
the stone pathway. So much so, that I continued
to stroke it. Suddenly, as if by magic, the once
pleasant and endearing cat, changed. In a moment
of irritation the cat abruptly scratched the side of
my hand. The impact of this produced a cut which
wept and bled. Without a moment’s hesitation the
black cat saunters off into the darkness.
My once knackered self now feels agitated as I let
the cat go, and approach my front door. But then,
that same familiar sound occupies my ears… not
again, I think.
 45
The Mishaps of CELEBRATION! Well, it’s that time of year again;

Word
disorganized chaos has taken over and the quest for
Jennifer Lee the perfect present ensues. A very stressful venture,
A Christmas Special yet the look of joy as your loved ones open their present
from you...well, it’s all the motivation you need. And

Of
My Reflection: The Sushi Bar:
Matt for those of you that don’t follow the festivities of
As the festive season begins and Christmas, I’m sure that you have been inundated
shoppers prepare themselves for
with party requests, because now is the time for a

The
the most hectic time of the year, I (Jennifer Lee) found
myself pausing in a small sushi restaurant just off the
edge of town: ‘Mai Sushi’.
celebration! With the end of the first term on our
doorstep and New Year celebrations also creeping up
I sat in the crowded bar, but couldn’t seem to escape
the sound of Christmas bells blaring from the street. on us, enjoy the future merriment and I shall see you
all next term. And lastly, to borrow the words from Kool

Moment
“Oh the joy of Christmas,” I thought to myself, staring
at the numerous bags lying beneath my feet – I was
truly knackered. I lazily began to look around at the
chairs near me, all filled with people surrounded by
and The Gang, “Celebrate good times, COME ON!”
their friends and families – apart from me. I happened
to be alone, and at truly realising the finality of that Laura Bright
statement I decide to order another martini. I signalled
to the barmaid, and noticed that she looked different
from all the other workers; contrasting their black hair
she was blonde. My eyes drifted to her name badge,
‘Lucie’, and I smiled to her as she placed another drink
in front of me.

I gazed down at my sushi, began to take miniature bites
(apparently it helps you lose weight) and reflected on
my day, which to be fair was not hard at all. Another
normal day at the office, consisting of many lattes and
many cappuccinos, I began to realise how boring I
am on my own – it should be against the rules to self
reflect. Instead, I began to observe the people around
me. I noticed a young Japanese waiter whose facial
expression intrigued me; his face appeared completely
blank with no emotions, and his eyes were fully fixated
on the crowds among the bar. I caught sight of his
name badge - ‘Char-lee’. As I pondered the significance
of the hyphen, I was distracted by a familiar voice.
I turned around eagerly, and to my surprise it was
mystifying Matt – yes girls, any shopaholics dream
man. “What are you doing here alone?” he asked. I
contemplated saying I was waiting for someone but
realised my empty sushi plate could be a giveaway.
Instead I said the first thing I could think of, “Oh I’m
just spending some time alone to reflect.” The idea
sounded so ridiculous I nearly blurted out a laugh.
Matt began to smile. He looked as though he was
about to speak, and for one mad moment I thought
maybe, just maybe, he would ask me out. “Jennifer” he
started, in his divine voice. I began to prepare myself
mentally for this moment, and tried to hold back any
forms of squealing due to excitement. He spoke softly,
“You have some sushi in your teeth.” At which point all
my hopes and dreams were shattered, and I flushed
bright red. No kiss under the mistletoe this year then?
I contemplated asking.
‘I See You Everywhere’
by Julia Glass
‘I see you everywhere’ by Julia Glass, follows the tremendous journey of two sibling sisters,
Louisa and Clem. The novel runs in chronological order from 1980 all the way to 2005, and
this progression is illustrated at the start of each chapter. The majority of chapters convey
dates a couple of years or so between them, but for the main part of the story – the year
1993 – the chapters are centred on the months of that year. This is effective as the reader
can properly follow the story in a sequential order, and gain the two sisters’ perspectives,
which are both portrayed in different chapters.
The main focus of the novel is the complicated relationship between the two sisters, filled
with love, hate and jealousy. It is a heartfelt story, as the reader is intrigued by Louisa’s (the
younger sister) jealousy over her older sister, and the negative affect this has on her life;
Glass presents a highly misfortunate individual through the character of Louisa. However,
Clem is portrayed as the more loved sister, even preferred by the sisters’ own mother, a
prejudice that is exposed during a ‘family cook out day’. Therefore, the reader’s sympathies
lie within the character of Louisa, which in many ways makes it so heartrending (considering
the circumstances). This is why I think the novel is classed as a bestseller; it offers a new
stance on a fictional story, ‘two sisters, two very different lives....’
The main reason I enjoyed this novel so much is, unlike other books, it presents the two
perspectives of the sisters, and even though they both have ‘very different lives’, as sisters
they are connected and thus ‘see each other everywhere’. Glass is very good at describing
the different emotions between the Louisa and Clem, as well as their relationship. Therefore,
I would strongly recommend it, as an easy, well written read.
by Steff Lever

*Available from the university bookshop

by Steff Lever *Price: £7.99 ISBN: 9780-0-995-0293-7

literaturedeskstag@gmail.com

And You Thought Sudoku Was Hard...?
Amy Barnes takes a closer look at how an American poet laureate’s hoax
inadvertently spawned a new form of poetry: the paradelle.
I was sitting in my room desperately trying to summon the will to write from the
depths of my tired brain. Suddenly, a friend of mine popped up online. After
exchanging the usual ‘Hey, how are you?’ he asked me if I’d ever heard of a
poetic form called the paradelle.
I replied that I hadn’t, and felt that little bit more uneducated. After all, I am
a student of English Literature; yet I would be lying if I said I had an extensive
knowledge of poetic forms. In the past, when asked during the submission
process on deviantART what type of poem I was uploading, I must admit I was
bemused with the villanelles, sestinas and ballads were listed as categories.
So, after receiving a quick tutorial from my friend as to how to write one, as
well as a shining example that he had written, I had a bash at writing my very
own paradelle.
It really isn’t an easy form to abide by when writing a poem. The ‘rules’ are as
follows:
• The poem should consist of 4 stanzas.
• Each stanza should be 6 lines long.
46
• The first line and third line of each stanza should be repeated.
• The fourth line of each stanza should consist of words from the first
and third lines, and should not exceed 10 words.
• The final stanza should consist of all of the words that you have used
in previous stanzas; but should still follow the 6 line, 10 words per line
structure.
Sound complicated? It is! But this is essentially a puzzle; slotting words in and
arranging them to try and achieve something special. After puffing up with a
sense of pride having managed to write my paradelle, I thought I would look
into the ‘history’ behind it and where on earth this tricky yet clever form of
poetry came from. Turns out, the paradelle is not “one of the more demanding
French fixed forms, first appearing in the langue d’oc love poetry of the eleventh
century.” It is in fact the brainchild of former American Poet Laureate, Billy
Collins. Collins invented the paradelle as a parody of the villanelle AND made
up its phoney French origins.
But it appears that his joke at the expense of restrictive poetic form has
prompted a new wave of paradelle poets, who accept the challenge of the
frustrating word puzzle it poses and who create some remarkable pieces.
Collins’s joke may well be on us, but I for one am very glad.

• Each line should have 10 words.

Left Out In The Rain...

Left out in the rain
Dampened by tears of the past and pain
Shelter only offered in my dreams
Which crumble and fall apart at the seams
Any dreams of tomorrow
Are masked by past sorrow
Making my way through the storm
Faith and religion offer little warm
Fallen from grace, my wings tattered
Dreams and my religion all scattered
Who will now heal my wounded wings?
So I can fly high above the sufferings
To a land free of sadness and despair
God could have offered had he care
Left out in the rain
My broken wings remain
I carry on with no hope to raise
Struggling to see through all this haze
Walking down the foggy path of destiny
One thing becomes clear to see
I stop in the rain and begin to wonder
In life we crave a great hunger
Perfection in every sense becomes our mission
Little do we realise its all superstition
For without rain, we would not embrace
The beautiful warm summer days
With a drought of pain and sorrow
Joy and happiness would feel hollow
Perfection is desired by those with greed
A deadly sin where you’ll never be freed
Life is an unknown journey worthwhile
Left out in the rain, I begin to smile
by Horal Patel

The Disneyfication of English Literature

In an effort to make the University’s English Literature Hamlet by William Shakespeare is sent to live with her rich aunt and uncle and
syllabus more accessible to the rest of the student their two mean daughters. She must sew for her
body, Stephanie Davies has kindly reinterpreted The story of a young lion cub whose kingly father aunt, and cut roses in
some of the course books as beloved Disney films. is murdered h e a da c h e - i n d u c i n g
Please do not sue. by his own heat. But it’s okay;
b r o t h e r. though Fanny is dull,
Madame Bovary by The ghost she never complains,
Gastave Flaubert of Hamlet’s and she goes to the
father appears ball in the end (while
Madame Bovary to him one the ugly step-cousins
is what Disney’s day and urges are out of town). She
Beauty and the him to take even gets a Prince
Beast would have action. He Charming—albeit a
been if Belle had hatches a plot, with the help of his two friends, somewhat incestuous
married a doctor but it takes him an awful long time to avenge his one.
in the first five father’s death.
minutes. Emma Fanny Price is an
Bovary is a French The parallels between the Disney film and the unusual heroine for
girl who lives alone with her father. Conditioned Shakespearian text are enough for me to feel
to romantic illusions from the books she has read, that the movie was actually based on this play. Austen. She is not
Emma one day finds herself the wife of a dull However, don’t compare it to the film too much. witty or clever, but she
provincial doctor. Middle-class domesticity is not Shakespeare was not renowned for happy endings has ‘glass-slippered’
for Madame; things would have been a lot better if, in his tragedies. integrity and morals. But
instead of shagging Rodolphe (remember Gaston?) don’t dismiss it just for
in the forest, she had stumbled across a Beast’s Mansfield Park by Jane Austen its questionable female
castle and become a princess. After all, the culinary lead. Read it for Mr
efforts of talking cutlery taste better than arsenic. It’s a Cinderella story. At ten years old, young Fanny Rushworth.
 
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 48
My First Poem How Fiction Shapes Us
Summer’s love
Lemme discuss this new trend in poetry
called ‘free verse’, which I detest. In an article printed here some weeks ago, I boldly claimed that Our fiery love was innocent
If you’ve studied English literature a greater understanding of the causes behind recent support prey
you’d have noticed some poems, for fascism could be found in the novels of David Peace. While
which have no set rhyme scheme. it may seem naïve to attribute this responsibility to a series To tragedy, and its friends.
Oh, the agony I suffer of bestsellers, I still stand by my theory that fiction has the
whenever I come across such atrocities. potential to make a positive difference. But us, immersed in
Forced I was, to read such shit happiness
when I was in school. Literature has always played a vital role in awakening the
Oh, the joy I feel Were bound to make
now I know that I no longer have to do that.
conscience and stirring readers into action. Whilst many find
the term “all art is political” derogatory, for others it celebrates amends
When done properly,
free verse can be quite readable. how essential values and ideals are to society, and how every
Alas! More often than not it’s just a tool text can offer a myriad of interpretations, depending on the
for people who can’t write poetry partialities of the reader. Both the left and the right of the
political spectrum for instance, have adopted George Orwell. ‘Whatever happens,
to save their life.
whatever scar’
Write a few sentences, The debate still rages today: was he the neo-conservative who
somewhere midway in the poem dedicated his time after 1936 to openly satirize the Stalinist
throw in a few hoity-toity words - That’s what you lied to me.
regime and state intervention, or the anti-colonial socialist who
’sepulchural’, ‘guttural’, or maybe even ‘jiggery-pokery’ attacked the inequalities of the class system in such earlier
- hit the enter key a few times, For every grass stain made
works as Down and Out in Paris and London? is now
and voila!
And if you don’t ‘get’
Whilst Nineteen Eighty-Four has become ingrained in tabloid Tattooed in memory.
what is going on in this post
- why, it’s an attempt at parody of course! culture with the idiom ‘Orwellian state’ exhausted by the Daily
Great respect for rhyming poems I have Mail, other less obvious texts can be perceived from a political
none for free verse I do; standpoint. Is Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein an epistolary novel
next time you come across such a ‘poem’ of gothic horror or a social commentary that challenges civil Sometimes I smell your
tear away the page, you should. right issues such as capital punishment? JG Ballard’s Crash: caffeine breath
This poem, by the way, 200 pages of perverse car crash mutilations or an insight into
was my first – and last sexual liberty gone mad? When you begin to judge a book in Calling from afar
this way, even the airport departure lounge canon of Stephen
by Ankur Banerjee King and Dan Brown can shape your understanding of politics You lure me with a
in the contemporary world. chocolate glare
White-hot Wonderland
And reach out to my heart;
the ironic white Will literature continue to make this impact on our perceptions?
but
of Myer Centre windows From Aristophanes to Atwood, if history has taught us anything
as mallgoths sweat pale it’s that the pen truly is mightier than the sword.

by Stephanie Davies by Tom Goulding Then I find myself inside

Amy’s Paradelle A strange, unwelcome

room
We stand at the station. The trains are always late. Button your coat as we near the fountain, quick fingers. A women staring down at
me
We stand at the station. The trains are always late. You? A stone lion, and me? A pillar. Stolen kiss.
With half your perfect tune
Thin white slip for escape; there in my pocket. Safe. You? A stone lion, and me? A pillar. Stolen kiss.

Thin white slip for escape; there in my pocket. Safe. Your quick fingers; a stolen coat, a button lion. We

We are always safe. Slip in my pocket; the trains stand Kiss near the fountain. You and me- as stone pillar. Hand in hand, cheek to
cheek
At the white station; there for late, thin escape.
This summer’s love won’t
Rush along metal to dirty London, under light sugar rain. No escape. The trains always run fast, along metal to last a week

Rush along metal to dirty London, under light sugar rain. London. Rush near the fountain. You are thin and white.

No need for tickets, barriers open. Let’s run. Fast. Free. Button your dirty coat. Barriers. A need for tickets, You took my heart, and
took me too
No need for tickets, barriers open. Let’s run. Fast. Free. In my safe pocket. Quick, let’s kiss! We slip as
All I was has died in you.
Let’s open barriers; free, light. No need for sugar. Run!
We stand under a stone pillar. Light sugar fingers. We.
Rush along fast! To dirty London! Metal rain.
The stolen lion. Me? Free, open. There. At late rain.
by Shervin Hejazi
Button your coat as we near the fountain, quick fingers.
 The cheapest food and drink on campus. Po

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The Best of the Noughties
It seems as though even though the decade is almost over, we’re still not
settled on how to refer to it. The eighties, Nineties et al were simple enough,
but somehow all of the options for “the Noughties” just don’t seem to work.
However, for all the difficulty we’ve had in naming the decade, it is harder still
to pinpoint exactly what were the greatest sporting moments of the last ten
years. We can all name things we loved about sport over the last ten years,
but narrowing it down to the ten very best moments in world sport? Now that
takes some doing.
So what would it be? The success of the undefeated 2003-04 Arsenal
team seems like an obvious contender, as does the 2009 Ashes win, so too
David Beckham’s free kick against Greece and Michael Schumacher’s run of
Championship victories in Formula One. And lest we forget, Southend United’s
play off victory over Wrexham is high on everyone’s lists, of course. But what
exactly was able to make it in to the top ten?
10) Floyd Mayweather Jr. vs. Ricky Hatton: Undefeated
Boxing, 8th December 2007, Las Vegas, USA
Had this fight lived up to the hype it may well have come top. As it is, it’s still a
huge moment in the history of boxing. Two men who had lasted a combined 81
fights without losing, and with 55 knock outs between them, the hype for this
one was at fever pitch. Come fight night celebrities such as Bruce Willis and
David Beckham filled the MGM Grand and the crowd were incredible, booing
“Money” Mayweather out of the arena whilst singing Hatton Wonderland. In
fact, everything about this fight delivered apart from, you know, the fight itself,
but for the record breaking number of British people watching the fight on pay-
per-view it really was a monumental occasion.
9) New England Patriots vs. New York Giants- SuperBowl XLII
American Football, 3rd February 2008, Phoenix, USA
Such was the success of the Patriots team from the last ten years they almost
made it on to the list on their own. But as far as moments go, the 2008
SuperBowl will go down in history. The Patriots were chasing an unprecedented
perfect season in the NFL against a Giants franchise that had lost 6 times
already that season. All signs pointed to a Patriot victory, but in one of the
greatest upsets in NFL history the Giants fought back from a 14-10 deficit
through some Eli Manning magic to score a touchdown with just 35 seconds
remaining to bring home the Vince Lombardi Trophy.
8) A.C Milan 3 - 3 Liverpool- UEFA Champions League Final
Football, 25th May 2005, Istanbul, Turkey
Liverpool’s first Champions League Final in 20 years in front of 70,000 fans in
Istanbul seemed doomed to fail from the start. Paulo Maldini put the Italian side
ahead within the first minute of the match, but it was Kaka who was the star
of the show as he set up Hernan Crespo twice to fire the Italian Champions in
to a seemingly insurmountable 3-0 half time lead. Liverpool came out fighting
in the second half and in an incredible six minutes of football Gerrard, Smicer
and Alonso had gotten the Merseyside club back on level terms, but with
neither team able to break the other down the game eventually went down to
penalties where Liverpool were able to overcome the Italian giants and win the
shootout 3-2. Liverpool had become the Champions of Europe once again.
7) Rafael Nadal vs. Roger Federer- Wimbledon Men’s Singles Final
6th July 2008, London, England
It was a battle between the two greatest tennis players in the world at the
greatest tennis event in the world. Federer and Nadal are no strangers to each
other but this one excelled anything either one of them had done before or
since. The longest final in Wimbledon history saw 4 hours and 48 minutes of
the most exciting tennis you will ever see as Nadal took a two set lead, only for
Federer to battle back for an epic fifth set decider. It may have taken a double
50
fault from Federer to separate them towards the end but after 16 games in
the final set neither man deserved to lose, but it was the young Spaniard who
came out on top to end Federer’s stranglehold on the top prize.
6) 2008 Beijing Olympics
8th-24th August 2008, Beijing, China
How exactly can you take one moment between the incredible opening
ceremony, via smashed world records and over 11,000 competing athletes,
to the closing ceremony 16 days later and say that was the moment of the
Games? Everyone will take something from the last Olympics of the decade;
whether it is the all time high medals total for Great Britain, or the sight of
Usain Bolt coming from nowhere to storm the 100 and 200 metre sprints with
complete ease or perhaps Michael Phelps smashing the record for most gold
medals at a Games (8) as well as all time (14). Here’s to hoping we get the
same kind of action in just over two years in London.
5) Germany 1 – 5 England- 2002 FIFA World Cup Qualifier
1st September 2001, Munich, Germany
It was do or die for England against the old foe. A loss to Germany at home
earlier in the campaign was only the start to a stuttering campaign for the
Three Lions as they found themselves needing a win over Germany to have
any chance of qualifying for the World Cup. The team had seen a slight change
in fortunes since Sven Goran Eriksson took charge but as they still sat 6
points behind the German leaders no-one was prepared for what was about to
come. A hat-trick from Michael Owen and goals from Gerrard and Heskey saw
England come back from behind to destroy the German team 5-1 as it served
as a launch pad for the team to overcome the odds and qualify for the World
Cup as top of their group.
4) Steve Redgrave wins Five Successive Olympic Gold Medals
23rd September 2000, Sydney, Australia
Before the 2000 Sydney Olympics only three men had won give gold medals in
five Olympic Games and none of them were British. But as part of his Coxless
Fours team alongside Matthew Pincent, Tim Foster and James Cracknell,
Redgrave went back on his promise to never row again as he became part of
the all time sporting elite and win gold yet again. The victory in Sydney gave
him BBC Sports Personality of the Year and he was later knighted by the
Queen as he became the greatest Olympian in British history.
3) England vs. Australia- 2005 Ashes Series
21st July-12th September 2005, England
As far as cricket goes in this country, this is the big one. Australia had been
holders of the urn since 1987 and things didn’t look like changing as the
Ozzie’s stormed to victory in the first test at Lord’s, with Australia fast bowler
Glenn McGrath even saying a 5-0 win was a distinct possibility. However,
England wouldn’t take that lying down as they fought back to win the second
test at Edgbaston, draw the third at Old Trafford and win the 4th at Trent Bridge.
This left Australia needing the win, and with Shane Warne at his best you
wouldn’t have counted against it, but a superb 158 runs for Kevin Pieterson
and a sublime bowling performance from “Freddie” Flintoff meant that time
was too short for the Ozzie’s and the 5th Test was draw. Finally, the urn was
coming back to England.
2) Lance Armstrong Wins Seven Consecutive Tour de France’s
1999-2005, France
Okay, so maybe this run of wins covers too long a period to strictly be called
“a moment”, and his first win occurred outside of the decade.
 51
But as Lance Armstrong battled back from testicular cancer that had
spread to his lungs, abdomen and brain to destroy the record of five
Tour de France wins with seven consecutive victories, I’m sure we can
let this one slide. His epic six year battle against Ullrich to become the
dominant rider in the world set the sport alight as Armstrong repeatedly
stood tall, winning by margins as large as 6 minutes and 44 seconds
over his rival. As perhaps the one cyclist everyone knows, with cameos
in films such as Dodgeball and You, Me and Dupree Lance Armstrong
might well be the most successful sportsman of the decade.
1) England 20-17 Australia- 2003 Rugby World Cup Final
22nd November 2003, Sydney, Australia
It doesn’t get any bigger than this. England versus Australia is always an
occasion to remember, but to face the Wallabies in the World Cup Final
on their own turf is undeniably gargantuan. With Johnny Wilkinson the
Stags Triumphant Once More!
After grabbing a victory in style last week to maintain the Stags 100% record,
they headed into the cricket match as strong favourites against Old Woking who
were holding up the rear of the table. Rob ‘Fresher’ Wareing came into the side
replacing the unlucky Usman ‘The Unlucky’ Mumtaz but otherwise everyone
else kept their place in the team, with competition for places ever increasing.   Captain Rix again opened the bowling, proving once more why he is skipper
 
Captain Rix won the toss and decided to bat first, with the standard opening
partnership of Chris ‘Batting Supremo’ Coombs with Prav ‘Butter Shoes’
Sharma. The pair looked comfortable at the crease as the first two overs saw
each man hitting fifteen runs each. However, the absence of the SSC (who
were at training: Sunday’s 6-8pm at the Sports Hall on campus) may have got
into the batsmen’s head as all hell broke loose in the third over. Firstly Prav
‘Run Out Liability’ Sharma was once again run out, after playing a few nice
shots early on, then next ball Chris ‘I Finally Got Out’ Coombs got caught trying
to heave the ball to the back wall for a quick fire 15. Rich ‘I’ve Had Enough
of TITS’ Linney was viably distressed, as the lack of a “good luck Lemur” from
the SSC had got to his head, getting caught behind for an average-destroying
duck. This brought Captain Rix to the crease with the job trying to rescue some
sort of score for the hopeful Stags. Hopes of this were destroyed in the next
over as Stuart ‘I Finally Scored a Run’ Warner was run out after getting carried
away after a couple of beautiful straight drives. The broad smile on scorer
Simon ‘...Still Waiting’ Coston’s face was evidence of the lacklustre batting
performance carrying on from previous weeks.
Rob ‘Fresher’ Wareing was next to the crease, with the dreams of title success
resting on his young, inexperienced shoulders. A bit of stability was met
via some sensible batting from the two Essex boys, before Captain Rix was
dismissed again playing too much of an uppish shot. This left Rob ‘Snail Boy’
Wareing as the last man standing and with the aid of the energetic Rix, Rob
pushed on the score with some spell binding drives, and just simple sensible
batting. He was finally dismissed for 47 as the sight of a maiden half century
clearly affected his judgement missing a straight delivery in the last over. With
Surrey Storm To Second Round Of The Cup
Surrey Rugby First XV put in one of the best performances of the season
to beat league rivals St Georges 27-12 in the cup.  Scrum half Matt
Bramhall put in a fantastic performance despite only just returning from
injury, linking up well with fly half Matt Ody to control the game, leading
to an array of tries. Joe Whitehouse weaselled his way over the try line
on two occasions following hard work from the rest of the team, earning
him a mucky pint for Hat-trick Avoidance. Fellow winger Scott Lee made
his debut for the first team in style, scoring a try which helped carry
the team to victory. Deported Ozzie Dan Taylor put in a typically violent
performance at Number Eight, biting and gouging his way through the
match whilst coincidentally playing some very good rugby. Man of the
match James Roberts put in a customary good performance, tackling
hard and fast throughout the game and making numerous important
media darling but with a brilliant team including all time legends such
as Martin Johnson and Lawrence Dallaglio, the English remained on
par with the Australians long into extra-time following a try from Jason
Robinson and four penalties converted by Wilkinson. To come would
be the defining moment of the decade, the one moment that stands
out above all else for every English sports fan. With just 26 seconds
remaining on the clock and with England in possession, Matt Dawson
posted the ball back to Wilkinson to score the drop goal to send the
fans in to raptures as England were crowned the World Champions.
Disagree with this list? Disappointed to see Kimi Raikkonen’s last gasp
win of the 2007 Formula One Driver’s Championship missed off the
countdown? Do you think the Williams sister’s domination of Women’s
Tennis deserves a shout? Contact us at sportsdeskstag@gmail.com
and tell us what you think and see yourself in the first edition of The
Stag in 2010!
the score at 135, the game was potentially in the balance, however in recent
weeks the Stags bowling and fielding performances had been winning them
games, so dreams of continuing the 100% record were still fresh in the mind.  
 
with a couple of decent overs. However it was Rich ‘Today I Am A Bowler’
Linney who took the first wicket, as the dangerous looking opener was caught
well by Prav ‘Safe Hands’ Sharma in the deep on the boundary. With the score
still on 32, Rob ‘All Around Hero’ Wareing took his first wicket in first class
indoor league cricket after a magnificent catch from Josh ‘I Get Very Over
Excited If And When I Take A Catch’ Rix, with possibly his first ever catch in
his short cricketing career, which has scorer Coston in a state of shock on the
balcony. Chris ‘Mr Economy’ Coombs was next to take a wicket with Stuart
‘Wicket Keeping Legend’ Warner claiming his first ever stumping after the Old
Woking batsman wandered out of his crease, obviously bamboozled by the
immeasurable amount of spin from Coombs. The underdogs never really hit
the required run rate, as the Stags put in another good fielding display, with
Rich ‘I Can’t Help But Hit The Stumps When I Throw At Them’ Linney claiming
another run out to add to his ever increasing total, obviously eager for the
fielder of the year award. So the Stags closed in on another indoor victory,
eventually winning by 27 runs thanks to the good middle overs bowling display.  
 
Today’s TITS award was awarded by the only member of the SSC in attendance,
Simon ‘Scoring Genius’ Coston, and it goes to Rob ‘Fresher’ Wareing for his
tremendous batting display which almost certainly was the turning point in
the game, allowing the Stags to romp to another convincing victory, and the
sweet smell of title success is just starting to waft under the door at the end
of the tunnel.
by Simon Coston
turnovers for which he was gifted a bottle of Tesco’s Finest Lambrini. 
The Second XV competed against LSE at the Varsity in a bid to move up
the table.  The team was supported by a group of chaps who kindly left
their vast estates for the day to cheer the team on. The team hammered
the opposition to a 17-10 victory thanks to an astonishing individual try
from full back Josh Finch which started deep in the Surrey half and
beat numerous LSE players to coast over the try line and gift Surrey five
much needed points. This excited the chaps who waved their flat caps
and port in delight!
by Matthew Allen
 52
The Best of 2009
by David Holt Southend United away to Chelsea in the FA year
Cup Third Round.
And so, the time as arrived. The year is drawing After a season that could be best described
to a close and now come all the arbitrary ‘End of The England 5-1 Germany Award… as “average”, Finnish Formula One star Kimi
Year’ awards in every newspaper and magazine Raikkonen has left the sport for a year after
all over the globe. So why should this one by … for victory of the year claiming McLaren were not offering him enough
any different?! money, despite finishing 6th in the Drivers
After Tottenham Hotspur smashed Burnley 9-1 Championship and being the second highest
And so, if we are all suited and booted and two weeks ago, and following England’s 5-1 paid athlete in the world, and he refused to join
ready for the ceremony I give you the Sporting rout against Croatia, the winner of this award Toyota as they have never produced a race-
Award for 2009! may come as a surprise. However, the Victory winning car. In any other year he would have
of the Year Award 2009 goes to David Haye romped to victory in this award, but the award
The Arsenal vs. Manchester United FA Cup for his victory over Nikolay Valuev to become isn’t named after Andriy Voronin for nothing.
Semi Final 1999 Award… the WBA World Heavyweight Champion. It may
not have been the most exciting fight and the The New England Patriots Award
… for best match, game, race or fight of the giant Valuev may not be the greatest fighter
year in the world, but the Hayemaker stuck to his … for team of the Year
gameplan and undid the Russian and therefore
Named after the all time classic featuring the became the first British World Heavyweight It may not have been the best cricketing
Ryan Giggs wonder goal, this award is one of Champion since Lennox Lewis. performance you have ever seen, and it may
the hardest to choose as it goes to the best not have been classy, but the team of the year
sporting event of the year. There were of course The Geoff Stelling Award… has to go to the Ashes-winning England cricket
many contenders, but the best match that I’ve team. After being thrashed 5-0 in the previous
seen this year was the epic Roger Federer vs. … for sports television personality of the year Ashes series, England had a point to prove
Andy Roddick Wimbledon Final. With neither and they came out fighting, overcoming the
man willing to budge for over 4 hours the Swiss There was only ever going to be one winner of Ozzie’s 2-1 in the series, winning the final test
legend eventually overcame Roddick 5-7, 7-6, this award. It simply has to go to the man, the by 197 runs after a bowling masterclass from
7-6, 3-6, 16-14 to reclaim the Men’s Singles myth, the legend… Steve Claridge. Giving the Stuart Broad. It may not have been pretty, but
Championship. type of insight you can only get from having England has reclaimed the urn.
played for over 400 teams in a career spanning
The Gareth Keenan Award… 8 decades, he makes the Football League Show The Tiger Woods Award…
even more worth watching with his overuse of
… for team leader of the year the word “eulogising” and his confusion over … for individual of the year
even the simplest of clichés. Claridge really is
For my money, there was only really one man “punching his weight”. How can you put one person above all others in
for this award. Ross Braun has seen more a sporting year like we’ve just had? Ryan Giggs
success that just about anyone in Formula The Mike Tyson Award… has been rolling back the years (and if you
One but the tears he shed as his own Braun don’t believe me, listen to the commentators
GP team won the Constructors Championship … for biggest controversy of the year on Match of the Day) while Andrew Strauss led
shows just how much the sport still means to England brilliantly during the Ashes and Usain
him while his driver Jenson Button raced to It seems obvious that this award has to go Bolt smashed both his world records in the
the Driver’s Championship to claim the clean to Thierry Henry for his blatant handball in 100m and 200m, but my sporting individual of
sweep for Braun. the World Cup play-off as it is the one thing the year is Jenson Button. His Championship
everyone is talking about at the moment, but may have been based around success at the
The Manchester United Award… after Roy Keane’s unmissable rant about the start of the season but nothing should be taken
situation and the ridiculous efforts of the FAI away from the achievement. Always a great
… for last minute scum goal of the year to add Ireland to the World Cup draw or to get racer, Button finally had the car to back it up
the match replayed, my vote this year goes to did it all seeming like a really nice guy. 2009
There are so many more candidates for this the controversy surrounding the gender testing really was his year.
award than any of the others. How can you of South-African athlete Caster Semenya.
choose between Iniesta’s injury time winner for After she stormed to victory in the 800 metres So there we have it. The most unimportant
Barcelona in the Champions League semi-final from seemingly nowhere the world has been award show in history is in the books and we
against Chelsea, or the Pittsburgh Steelers shook by claims that she is in fact transgender, have our winners. But what do you think about
snatching victory in the dying seconds from leading to one of the most high profile gender- this list? Who should have won in your eyes?
the Arizona Cardinals in the SuperBowl, or testing cases in memory. What awards were missed off? Contact us at
France’s handball-assisted aggregate winner sportsdeskstag@gmail.com with your thoughts
against Ireland? The truth is, you can’t. And as The Andriy Voronin Award… and opinions.
I am nothing if not biased, the award this year
goes to Peter Clarke’s injury time equaliser for … for the worst contribution to a team of the

sportsdeskstag@gmail.com
 BRUSSELS
TO LONDON 3 D AY S
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 54
Guildford Heat Spotlight on....
Mike Martin
by David Holt healthy living to school
children around Surrey.
As you know every issue we shine a light on the best players at Guildford Heat
and find a little out about them. While last week we looked at Chad McKnight, So with all this talk of a
this week we look at the team’s longest serving player in Mike Martin. life after basketball, is he
considering retirement?
What is there to say about Martin that hasn’t already been said? He’s the “I keep myself in good
team’s longest serving player, having been there since the start, he’s the shape all year round,
leading scorer and rebounder, played in the Championship winning team and and I actually feel like
it could be argued that he’s been the British Basketball League’s best home I’m jumping higher and
grown talent of the last four years. Defences find the power-forward difficult running better now than a
to guard one on one yet he remains one of the best interior defenders in couple years back. As long
the league, regularly marking the oppositions best players whilst scoring on as there’s a ball and a
average 15.7 points a game in his four seasons for the Heat. hoop, and an opportunity
for me to improve, you’ll
As well as starring for Guildford Heat, Martin has played on the continent see me around”, which
for St Etienne as well as representing The Heat in the ULEB Cup. In fact, it can surely only be good
was in European Competition that Martin remembers his favourite game for news for The Heat as they
Guildford, when he scored 28 points against Turk Telecom in Ankara. “I had push towards another BBL
an awesome game- everything just felt right and was a somewhat out of body Championship, as well as
experience where I could see myself balling and nothing could stop me!” his fellow players. Player-
coach Chad McKnight
Despite not starting playing basketball until he was 19 years old, the Londoner said “I know that I can
won a bronze medal with the British basketball team in the 2006 Melbourne gamble on my man
Commonwealth games, playing in every game and even scoring 13 points in because Mike’s always got
just 16 minutes in the bronze medal play off game. But does he ever wonder my back. He’s so active
what might have been had he started in the game at a younger age? around the basket.”

“I’m blessed to have travelled and enjoyed success wherever I have ended up And besides, if Martin
playing over the years. When it comes down to it, you have to make the most carries on with the way he
of the situation you find yourself in. You can have success wherever you are has been playing, including
if you put in the work.” Never a truer word has been spoken, but Martin also his top scoring performance against Milton Keynes Lions last Tuesday, why
lives by this philosophy off the court as he is currently training to become a would he ever want to stop?
sports therapist, as well as joining the “Heat Hoops 4 Health” team, promoting
Ryan Giggs has arguably been one of the greatest Wenger’s belief he has in his players, they too believe
footballers to pull on the red devil shirt at Old There are no more international breaks with the and still have a say in where the title goes this season.
Trafford since George Best. Ever since he scored exception of the Africa Cup of nations; meaning there Spurs of course are still vying to crack the ‘Big Four’ and

Football
his first goal in the Manchester Derby on his
full début for United at 1, Giggs has graced the left
wing for a very long time and has been the only
player to have scored in all 18 seasons of the
Premiership. He will always be remembered as one
of the ‘’men with wings’’ that graced Old Trafford
His recent performances against Manchester City and
Portsmouth have been very crucial in the title challenge,
but more importantly, so has his overall contribution to
the history of Manchester United. With his performances
not going unnoticed, he was rewarded a one year
will be a lot of football during the festive season and
into the New Year. With United fighting on four fronts
and slowly getting back to their best could this be the
season to do another treble or even a quadruple? Or
is it too early to dream big?
Surely there is the beast of the multi million pound
squad of Chelsea. Chelsea are favourites in almost
every competition apart from the Carling Cup. Their
recent run of form has been incredible. Having beaten
all three of the rest of the so-called ‘Big Four’, most
pundits think these are the most important games
to win in order to be champions of England. After
want to have a taste of Champions League football.
They have been looking good despite drawing against
Aston Villa and being knocked out of the League cup
by the holders Manchester United. Jermaine Defoe
looks to have already secured his ticket for the World
Cup in South Africa next year especially after his 5
goals in an emphatic and unbelievable 9-1 mulling
over Wigan Athletic. His form has been impressive
and he is in contention for the golden boot.
I am still wondering where Liverpool have been this
season. Surely we can’t blame the departure of
Xabi Alonso for their poor form. Without a doubt,

Insight
contract to grace Old Trafford and the world of football.
Apart from being such a graceful player, Giggs over the
years has shown good discipline on and off the pith
and has been the perfect example and role model for
every football player and youngster. Now at the Age
of 36, he has won almost every award there is to
be won and has won every trophy with the exception
of then Uefa Cup, now referred to as the Europa
League. We can only begin to imagine the number
of medals he has in his cabinet. After his 800th
appearance for United, I also hope Giggs will hit 200
career goals for United just as he has now scored a
graceful 100 in the English Premier League; with an
exceptional free kick in a 4-1 win over Portsmouth.
Long Live Ryan Giggs - a true red and a true legend.
recently beating arsenal 3 nil at the Emirates, playing
Chelsea at the moment is a nightmare for every
manager. Didier Drogba is looking sharp again and
definitely back to his best. He is scoring easily and
is every defender’s nightmare. Will Chelsea suffer,
come January as they will be losing the likes of Didier
Drogba and Michael Essien and the rest their African
players? There is a bonus for the blues in a certain
Joe Cole if you remember him. Cole is back in the
starting line up as he is back to fitness and showing
us what he is made of, while Mr. Capello will surely be
just as happy as Carlo Ancelotti.
What would the Premier League be without the ever
attractive champagne football of the North London
club Arsenal? The gunners are still mathematically
in contention to win the premiership. With Arsene
with Torres coming back to fitness I believe we will
be hearing the echoes of ‘You’ll Never Walk Alone’
very soon. For the sake of Liverpool I am sure the
fans want to see Mr Benitez work his wonders that
saw them win the Champions League in 2005. Now
in the Europa League, they should be favourites to
win that competition. Could there be a Merseyside
derby final against Everton who recently progressed
to the next phase? With their recent performances
in the League, I would be interested to see whether
Fernando Torres will stay at the Club if they fail to
qualify for the Champions League next season.
by Don Decaprivano
 55
Look on My Power, Results
ye Children, and 11th November Netball Surrey 1st Queen Mary 1st 8-0
Surrey 1st

Despair! 
by Bhavan Aujla
Badminton

Men’s
Surrey 1st 40-44
Portsmouth 2nd
Greenwich 3rd 6-2
Surrey 5th Football

Royal Holloway 2nd Women’s Men’s

Surrey 1 2-6 Royal
st 19-Surrey 2nd 34
Once again the football was beautiful to watch. From their own Holloway 1st Sussex 2nd 2-8 Surrey Brunel 4th 0-3 Surrey
box players were weaving in and out of position, as the ball was Rugby 1st
being moved with such grace that it’s easier to assume it was Women’s Hockey
floating rather than rolling; however, here’s the kicker, Arsenal Men’s Reading 3rd 1-2
still manage to lose, and haven’t we all heard that before. Surrey 1 1-7
st
Men’s Surrey 2nd
Despite a wealth of possession, as soon as they hit Chelsea’s Portsmouth Surrey 2nd 17-10
final third the Arsenal fans were treated to watching their team London School of Royal Free & London School of
Basketball Economics 3rd University College Economics 2-0 Surrey
pass the ball from side to side to side to side to… you get what 3rd
Medical School 1st
I mean. Now this can be blamed on the fact that they were Women’s 3-1 Surrey 1st
Men’s
missing Van Persie for a bit of cutting edge, and I can’t believe Surrey 4th 3-4
I’m going to say this, but they also seemed to be missing the Chichester 1st 77-66 Reading 34-5 Surrey Netball Reading 5th
‘presence’ of Bendtner, but there was one major factor that Surrey 1st
I could see when watching the game which stood out as the Squash Surrey 1st 22-18 Middlesex 5th 5-1
major difference between the two teams – size. Women’s Roehampton 2nd Surrey 5th
Surrey 1st 5-0
Drogba, Anelka, Lampard, Terry, Mikel and Essien (I could name Surrey 1 40-58
st Imperial College 2nd Rugby Women’s
the whole of Chelsea’s team, but I’m sure you understand my Thames Valley 1st
Imperial College 4th Men’s Roehampton 5-2
point), these are players with tremendous skill on the ball and 1-2 Surrey 2nd Surrey
Fencing
great technical ability, as are most of Arsenal’s players, but Royal Free &
when coming up against a small side like Arsenal, the physical Imperial College 2nd Tennis University College Hockey
prowess and sheer power of some of their players really shines. 134-93 Surrey Medical School 3rd
This power was epitomised in one moment in the second half; Men’s 41-5 Surrey 2nd Men’s
Drogba was tearing down the right wing, chasing a ball that was Football
heading into the Arsenal area and Traore comes from nowhere Surrey 1st 5-5 Women’s Surrey 2nd 2-1
and tries to shoulder barge him, however, he ends up just flying Men’s Portsmouth 1st Addiscombe 3rd
off the body of Drogba and landing on his behind looking quite Surrey 31-0 London
Surrey 1st 3-4 Royal Holloway 1st School of Economics Women’s
bemused. How is a small, skinny, twenty year old left back
Imperial College 1st 9-1 Surrey 2nd
supposed to compete with Drogba? How is a small, skinny, Squash Surrey 1st 2-0 Kenley
young Arsenal side supposed to compete with Chelsea? Quite Surrey 2nd 3-1 Women’s 2nd
honestly, the only physical attributes that are slightly impressive Reading 2nd Surrey 1st 3-0 Kings
in the Arsenal side are Arshavin’s ridiculously huge thighs and Chichester 1 3-7
st College 1st Kings College 4th
Vermaelen’s equally as impressive scary, bald look. Surrey 1 2-1 Kings
st Surrey 1st 0-12 Surrey 2nd
College 2nd Surrey 2nd 3-0
I’m an Arsenal fan and I, for one, don’t want Arsene Wenger to 14 November
th Imperial College 4th Netball
start splashing out on massive meatheads, but what I would Surrey 4 2-4
th

Buckinghamshire 5th Hockey Tennis Surrey 2nd 31-36

ask is that he conditions his players to be a little stronger; Imperial Medicals 2nd
either that, or he has to buy one or two players that can impose Queen Mary 1st 8-2
West London College Men’s
themselves physically on the opposition otherwise, no matter 1st 9-0 Surrey 5th Surrey 1st Rugby
how technically gifted the kids of Arsenal are, they are at the Old Cranleighans 4th
end of the day still kids and that shows when they play against Women’s 3-0 Surrey 2nd Surrey 2nd 6-4 Royal Men’s
sides with a physical presence similar to that of Chelsea’s. If Holloway 2nd
every player in the Arsenal side is going to be shrugged off the Surrey 5-1 Royal Women’s Surrey 1st 13-0
ball as Traore was then I’m sorry to say that the Gunners dream Holloway 21 November
st
Reading 2nd
for a Premier League title and a Champions League title will Surrey 1st 7-1 Cheam
Hockey 3rd Hockey London School of
remain just that – a dream. I’m not a pessimist; I support my
Economics 2nd 22-7
team through thick and thin, through hail and rain, but I’m not Men’s Rugby 2nd
Men’s 18th November
going to pin my hopes on an Arsenal title any time soon (I’m
tipping Chelsea if you hadn’t already noticed). Let’s just hope Sussex 1st 1-3 Surrey Badminton Surrey 2nd 2-7 Old Squash
I’m wrong. I mean, miracles happen, right? 1st Mid Whitgiftians 4th
Men’s Reading 2nd 2-1
Royal Holloway 1 st Women’s Surrey 2nd
11-1 Surrey 2nd Royal Free &
University College Reigate 3rd 0-2 Surrey Tennis
Women’s Medical School 1-7 1st
Surrey 1st Chichester 1st 10-0
Together with the Students’ Union we strive to provide you with Surrey 1 6-0
st 25 November
th
Surrey 1st
the best opportunities to participate in sport whilst you are Kingston 1st Football
studying at Surrey. Badminton Reading 3rd 5-5
T: 01483 (68)9201 (Sports Centre) Surrey 2 0-13
nd
Men’s Surrey 2nd
T: 01483 (68)9242 (Varsity Centre) Brighton 3rd Men’s
King’s College 1st 2-3
E: enquiries@unisport.co.uk / www.unisport.co.uk
See you all in the
New Year!