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Welcome to the Illinoise Department of Unemployment Insecurity

As an alleged Illinoise state social service, we provide financial assistance to the people
of the State of Illinoise in need, under inevitable cyclical economic downturns, to the best
of our collective abilities, regardless if anyone, ever, accepts, admits or is convicted in a
court of law of the fact that their prevailing economic philosophy on how to “manage”
our economy, for the past 20 years or so, in this great adversarial nation of ours, was a
tragically flawed supposition at best, and/or a manipulative heist of the American
people’s wealth and peace of mind at it’s pathetic worst. Although some wall-street
insiders might argue that their methods of transferring wealth from us to themselves is
perfectly legal, moral and justifiable if they, using whatever criteria they choose, classify
us as “stupid”. The Illinois Department of Unemployment Insecurity DOES NOT
condone this deplorable behavior, and in fact, do the complete opposite. We believe it is
perfectly legal, moral and justifiable that, when we classify a person as “stupid”, we don’t
take their money; we simply don’t give them any.

Have a nice day,


The IDUI Team

Disclaimer: The IDES is not responsible for inconvenience, disappointment, disgust, despair, worrying, fretting, weeping,
sniffling, sobbing, hopelessness, homelessness, loss of appetite, obesity, dementia, dehydration, alcoholism, pyromania,
arson, gallstones, strokes, elephantiasis, acne, boils, weight gain or loss, stress, agitation, fits, tantrums, unclean thoughts
including acting upon them, impulsive or compulsive bouts of anger followed by random acts of premeditated violence and
carnage resulting in provocations, altercations, lacerations, bashhisfaceins, amputations, disembowelment, convulsions,
seizures, coma or death to innocent (until proven guilty) victims, (especially if they are directed toward any IDES
employee, affiliate, their families, vehicles or pets) and any resulting arrest, clubbing, tasering, spasms, burning,
blindness, pistol-whippings, pavement kissing, chest wound hissing, massive swelling, stomach purges, cell-mate’s urges,
nervousness, pacing, excessive sweating, nausea, trembling, tics, gas, erectile dysfunction, sleeplessness, paralysis,
ruptures, diarrhea, constipation, hemorrhoids, penalties, fines, court costs, attorneys fees, perjuries, dirty knees, look at
these! frontal lobotomies, tumors, contusions, convulsions, convictions, (felony or misdemeanor) imprisonment, probation,
hallucinations, curses, spells, possessions, exorcisms, repossessions, foreclosures, defaults, dysfunction, pregnancies,
incontinence, divorces, miscarriages, child-abuse, substance abuse, automobile abuse, pain and suffering (real or
imagined), suicide, depression, (we did however make an exception for depression resulting from your own suicide) and
any other financial, medical, spiritual, mental, physical, psychological condition, defect, disease, illness, malady, or
malfunction that may possibly occur directly or in-directly as a result of allowing our customer service department to
attempt to assist you.