Title I like the title.

It is adequately metaphorical and mystique without necessarily falling

in the range of unintelligibility. I also would like to point out that you flawlessly named all the
chapters, which is in my opinion something that should be made more often. 5/5.
Foreword There are two major problems with the foreword. First, you used comic sans,
which is the worst font to use if you want to give your story a tone of seriousness. The first impact
with the reader is very important, and a wise choice of typeface is one of the essential ingredients.
They even got married then something happened and Yunho left
(Thats al l , fol ks. They just l i ved happi l y ever after)
Second, it describes to explicitly what the story is going to be. You revealed in the first two
sentences that the two main characters are a married gay couple with a child who split up because
of repeated cheating and that the plot is going to be based on the misfortunes of this single father.
This is too much. Usually the foreword is where you put the reasons why your story is
different from the others, not the common points.
I have read tons of literary depictions of splitting couples, and honestly, I wouldnt like to
read another one unless you actually try to convince me that yours is different.
I am giving you a couple of extra points, because I like your copyright notice and I wish every
author were caring towards their own creations like you. 6/10.
Graphics The graphics are simple but neat. I think some colour variety should be added to
make it more appealing, but I dont think posters play such an important role in our stories.
I appreciate the complexity of the map behind the character and I like the quote you chose,
and that is enough to guarantee a certain degree of interest. 3/5.
Characterization Your story, like many others, lacks a little bit of descriptiveness. You
mentioned that our main character is a sleeping beauty in the first chapter but you didnt list the
reason why one should think he is beautiful.
What are his features like? Whats the colour of his eyes? What does he have that makes
him different from every other character in the story? Hes the main character of this story, hes
special, he should be different, and instead the only thing we know about him is the name.
Why dont you spend a few words to describe the people who are in the scene, instead of
treating them like helpless ornaments of a pre-packaged puppet theatre? 6/15.
Plot A good plot relies on connections. While I do think yours is enjoyable and it flows
nicely, it definitively lacks a little bit of retrospection.
When you write a new chapter, try to connect the new events with the previous actions you
have described in the earlier phases of the story.
Too much filling content makes me lose the point. 17/25.
Grammar You grammar and vocabulary are overall good, but I do see youve been doing
some terrible style mistakes throughout the story.
"Ne umma Yoosu couple nodded quickly
(Wri ti ng i n more than a l anguage at once i s hi pster)
Now, this mess is sadly quite common. Even if you are writing stories about Korean
characters, it doesnt mean you have to shove into the narration some random Korean words.
Even someone who speaks Korean (e.g. me) finds hard to decipher this poorly romanized
random words. Let alone someone who doesnt: what is a normal English speaker supposed to
understand if you just keep throwing foreign terms at them?
Second mistake, you shouldnt mix up names. Horrible words such as Yoosu, Yoonjae
and so on are fine if youre on Tumblr, but they are not if you are writing a story.
Interrupting narration and writing Flashback to signal that is going to be flashback is
considered quite ridiculous among most readers. Try to reduce this kind of meta-narration.
"My wife... he used to kiss me because I am cute"
(Gender i denti ty di sorder for dummi es)
Calling one member of a gay couple a wife is like calling one of your chopsticks a fork
and the other one a spoon. It is rude, illogical and mean.
My last girlfriend once called me her husband and I hit her. She deserved that, I dont
accept such insults to my femininity. 11/20.
Flow As I said, the flow is not that bad. To improve it, you should slow down things by
adding a little bit of descriptions of environment and people, but you are on the good path. 7/10.
Overall enjoyment 5/10.
TOTAL 60/100.