The questioner's philosophy: You make your life your own heaven or hell -

everything is a choice.
The questioner's hopes and aspirations: What I want most in life is to fall
in true love, have kids and live happily ever after.
Question: How do you know when you're in true love? I used to really trust
my gut instincts and follow my heart wherever it led me. hen a!out a year
ago my !oyfriend and I of "# months !roke up. I know we were young !ut we
had !een together so long everyone assumed we would eventually marry. I
thought I was in true love and he was the one. It was a !ad !reakup that
came out of nowhere.
$ow a year later I'm over him and starting a new relationship. he guy I'm
with now I really care a!out. I have so much fun when I'm with him and we
have so much in common. We're !oth huge dorks. We have fun curling up
reading !ooks together or playing chess and once we even designed our
dream li!rary. It's the kind of stuff I can do with him that I've never !een a!le
to do with anyone else. When he holds me in his arms, without thinking I turn
to him to tell him that I love him and catch myself at the last minute. I really
don't want to make the same mistakes I've made in the past%
&ut I 'ust don't know how to tell if it's real. I used to !e an emotional roller
coaster in all my past relationships. I used to feel so unsteady. When I'm with
my !oyfriend, for the first time in my life I feel solid and steady. I'm so scared
of repeating past mistakes that I'm afraid that's what is holding me !ack. &ut
then again I'm afraid I'm trying to make it true love so that I can prove to
myself that I'm not a coward and I'm not afraid to take a chance on love
again. I hope you can help me.
Wallace's reply:
Having successful romantic relationships is the theme for this week's
magazine. Here we have an important question for all of you who are in a
romantic partnership - how can I tell if this is true love? Please contribute to
this week's theme by posting your comments on the forum.
I feel encouraged !y your (uestion. )any people are uncomforta!le with the
secure and steady feeling you are getting from your relationship. hey look
for drama or e*citement - the adrenalin rush - and think if it's not high octane
it must not !e true love. $othing could !e further from the truth. rue love is
fun, easy and low maintenance - it promotes feelings of steadiness, security
and peace, !ut still retains what I would call a (uiet e*citement that comes
from the kind of sharing that only your partnership can offer.
You have !een shocked and hurt !y the !reakup of your last relationship and
are naturally wary of !eing hurt again. I would encourage you to share these
feelings with your partner. If he is a sensitive man he will understand your
reticence and, through sharing these feelings and having them accepted !y
him, you will feel more trusting and confident in your partner. +t that point you
may find yourself telling him that you love him with confidence.
,earn to take the progress of your relationship one step at a time. It only
creates undue stress and unrealistic levels of e*pectation to think at this early
stage- .Is this it? Is this true love?. ,earn to watch your own mind form these
e*pectations and when you see them arise, say to yourself, .I am having an
e*pectation. and let it go. ,earn to love life's uncertainty and have fewer
e*pectations of how things will work out and you will en'oy your relationship
and your life more. &e content to let your relationship progress to
e*pressions of mutual endearment and then !e open to whatever happens
ne*t.
What do humans add to the living systems of this planet and how does spirituality fit
into the present consumer age?
The questioner's philosophy: I have an .open. perspective on life that is
!ased on the idea that the only thing more mysterious than death is life itself.
We know little a!out what it is and what it really means. If we and our leaders
knew more we pro!a!ly would not fight and kill each other as much.
The questioner's hopes and aspirations: ,ife is guided !y rules which I am
still working on. I prefer the .+lice in Wonderland. perspective, !ut I am
rooted to hear-and-now... I hope to resolve feelings and past relationships
that have twisted out of shape.
Question: It seems that all things, !oth living and non-living, cycle in some
way to maintain a !alance in the o!'ective world. We can o!serve these
cycles and note their efficacy. /rom the water cycle to the life cycles, we can
see the inter-workings of any system of which we are a part. However, what
!enefit does human life add to these systems? We seem to !e the .odd !all.
of reality. We add nothing and use everything. 0ur altruistic inclinations are
only towards ourselves and the world turns downward.
Why should suicide !e considered a non-via!le option for people who !elieve
they have reached the point where further usury of nature and other people,
!enefits no one and nothing? 1o much an*iety and difficulty is added to this
thinking, !ecause we consider ourselves to !e so great and wonderful, !ut
the evidence is (uite the opposite. We are .the narcissistic entity. of the
planet. I see the only reasona!le role for humans as .caretaker. of all things,
!ut we have !ecome the .users. of all things....
I do !elieve there is hope, !ut it is spiritual and possesses little actual
reference value in this world. 2verything is designed to point away from
spiritual truths and stimulate usury 3consumption4.
Wallace's reply:
I am delighted to answer this (uestion since it highlights the spiritual crisis
that many people feel at the present time. What do humans add to the living
systems of this planet, since we are consuming to the point where we are
degrading the planet, and how does spirituality, which seems to !e a thing
apart, fit in to the present consumer age? 3I will deal with your (uestion a!out
suicide at the end of my reply.4 I also invite readers to contri!ute to these
important (uestions in the Heart to Heart /orum.
What is the purpose of all this striving, consuming, !uilding and
manufacturing, and why are humans the .odd !all,. apparently una!le to
work in harmony with nature as the rest of 5od's creation does? We appear
the .odd !all,. as you put it, !ecause humans are the only part of the natural
world that is a!le to view the rest of the world in a conscious and o!'ective
way. What does this mean? It means that our actions are not e*clusively
determined !y instinct !ut are freely chosen. 6nlike animals, humans are free
to learn, make choices and e*press themselves. In an effort to learn and
interact we strive, !uild, consume and manufacture. +t first glance all this
huge human effort, which seems so wasteful and in some cases so pointless,
has a very important purpose... and that purpose is to learn something of
infinite value. +nd, you may ask, what is the infinitely valua!le thing learnt?
he answer is ,072. 8lanet 2arth is a huge factory that produces ,072.
)ore and more and more ,072.
.How can this !e?. I hear you protest, .What a!out the starving millions, the
drug trade, human trafficking, not to mention terrorism and war?.
8hilosophers have asked these (uestions down through the ages and have
given, at !est, confused answers. I will reply from a spiritual perspective -
seen from this perspective everything !ecomes simple and clear.
he answer to this (uestion is that people learn a!out ,072 !y making
mistakes. he !igger mistakes they make, the harder their life !ecomes, and
it is the resulting stress that makes them stop and ask if there is a !etter way.
When they do that then 5od will directly show them through inner guidance
or will guide them to a teacher who can show them the !etter way. It is
important to reali9e that we come to understand what ,072 is, not !y gaining
something, !ut !y letting go of something. We come to understand ,072 !y
seeing what it is not and !y letting that thing that is not love go from our
character.
+n e*ample of letting go can !e seen from last week's (uestion. In it a man
was refusing to wear clean clothes !ecause he !elieved that it was .manly.
to !e a !it smelly. +s a result he was in immanent danger of losing his
relationship with a woman to whom he felt very close. 3his is the mistake
that is causing him to !e stressed and has prompted him to write to me for
guidance4. In my reply I challenged his !elief that !eing a !it smelly was
manly and if he is wise he will let that !elief go and wear clean clothes. If he
does that he will !e more considerate 3and loving4 toward his woman friend
and may even win !ack her admiration.
his scenario could !e played out for any mistake that human !eings make,
ranging from wearing unclean clothes, to mismanaging a factory, to drug
trafficking and terrorism. he !igger the mistake the harder the lesson and
the !igger the correction needed. 0nly 5reat 1aints, 1piritual )asters and
+vatars are immune from such correction, !ecause they have attained
enlightenment and are totally aware. +ll their actions are an e*pression of
pure love and !ecause of that, ,ife:5od does not correct them. heir lives
are e*amples of the 5race of 5od and flow and e*pand with effortless ease.
his is why a human !eing starts out on the spiritual path when they
minimi9e the faults of other people 3!ecause they know these people are
learning valua!le lessons4, and pay close attention to their own faults and
seek to eradicate them. When a human !eing makes this switch in
consciousness they !egin the path of spiritual evolution toward
enlightenment. +s they get close to the state of enlightenment, they !egin to
minimi9e their mistakes and in doing so, !ecome like the 1aints they aspire
to emulate, and attract fewer lessons. his is what it means to win 5od's
5race. + person who has won 5od's 5race is wealthy in the true sense of the
word, !ecause their life is stress free, a!undant and filled with ,072.
oday, more people than ever are learning these simple truths - and there are
more people than ever to teach them - life coaches, counselors,
psychotherapists, priests, psychologists, monks, management consultants,
etc. In addition the range and scale of human error is growing 3hence the
ecological crisis to which you allude4, the effect of which is going to challenge
!illions of people to re-evaluate their lives. his is now 5od's great
opportunity to transform the hearts of millions. +s a conse(uence a 5olden
+ge is fast approaching where the consciousness of humankind will 'ump to
a higher plane and a new civili9ation will !e !orn free of war and
environmental degradation.
/ar from !eing apart from each other, spirituality and the world are !onded
together like the two wings of a !ird - !oth are needed for humankind to rise
up toward enlightenment.
$ow I would like to address your point a!out suicide. While it is a mistake to
artificially prolong human life !eyond that point where the (uality of life is
insignificant, nevertheless it is not for us, as egotistical human !eings, to
choose the time and nature of our departure. he time and nature of our
departure is determined !y our ;arma, and we die in a particular way and at
a particular time !ecause it is necessary for us to e*perience this kind of
suffering. he roots for this go very deep into past lives and are also
connected with the completion of our life purpose. We need to e*perience
and go through our ;arma, !ut can ameliorate its worst effects !y leading a
good and upright life - seeking to help and not harm others 3or our self4.
It is not for us to interfere with this process !y taking our own life. &y
interfering and engaging in self murder we are causing great harm to our self
and all the people who love us. /urthermore !y taking our own life we are
seeking to avoid lessons we need to e*perience and, through causing so
much harm, only adding to our !urden of ;arma, which we will then carry
forward into our ne*t life. ;arma accumulates as a result of improper action
and the more ;arma we accumulate, the harder our life will !e !oth in this
incarnation and in future ones.
I am about to lose a wonderful woman because we have fallen out about my personal
cleanliness - is this mess salvageable?
The questioner's philosophy: I am catholic and I !elieve in live and let live.
I do not 'udge others !ecause I have no control over how others live their
lives.
The questioner's hopes and aspirations: &asically all I want to do is find
someone to share my life with.
Question: I met a woman through an online dating service and things were
really awesome. We had the most !eautiful summer together. We did
everything and it was unlike any relationship that either of us had.
)y girlfriend is <= and I am <>. 1he has this !ig !eautiful house where in the
summer she works outside on her landscaping. ?uring the winter months she
works on keeping her house clean. I mean clean to a fault. 1he cleans things
that I don't !elieve need cleaning. &ut she always stopped cleaning when I
would stop !y. 1he was a very hard worker and I have the utmost respect for
her.
hree weeks ago, as I was getting ready to leave her house, she asked if I
would !e sure to not wear any clothes to her house that I wore more than "
times. You see I don't have a physically demanding 'o! so I will wash my
clothes after I wear them @ or < times or if they would get visi!ly dirty. Well
when she asked that I got very upset !ecause I felt as though she was calling
me a slo!. I said, .!ack off. and without saying anything more I gave her a
kiss good!ye and that was the last time I saw her.
1he called a couple of days later. When I heard her voice I was upset all over
again. 1o I didn't return her call for a couple of days after that when she said
she didn't want to continue the relationship. I was crushed !ecause I decided
she was right and I wanted to e*plain that !ut she made up her mind not to
listen. I called her once after that and sent one love letter e*plaining my
feelings. 1o I figure there is nothing else to do !ut wait !ecause she knows
how I feel.
he thing is that I don't want to lose her and I don't want to do anything
stupid. What can I do !ecause I honestly love her and her family. It was a
great relationship and I !elieve we !elong together. I can not !elieve that we
got sidetracked !y my desire to invoke my right to !e a man. I guess I drew
the line in the sand !ecause I didn't want her to inspect my house ne*t. Is this
mess salvagea!le?
Wallace's reply:
I don't know if this mess is salvagea!le, !ut I do know the !est approach you
can take if you want to salvage it, and that is what I will seek to convey in this
reply.
+t the start it is easy for relationships to !e happy and full of fun. However as
relationships progress in closeness and as intimacy grows, differences will
inevita!ly arise. When men and women first get together there are often
differences in attitudes to everyday things like cleanliness. his is inevita!le
and to !e e*pected. It is at these points of difference that love must come into
play. his difference that has arisen is now a test of your adapta!ility, and
your a!ility to forgive and communicate in loving ways, so that you can !oth
move forward together.
In this particular instance you have spun a story in your head a!out your
girlfriend seeing you as a slo! and inspecting the way you live in your home.
1he has said and done none of this. his is all supposition on your part. ?eal
with the issue with which you are presented - personal cleanliness. It is
common knowledge, to any man that is in even slightly aware of women and
their needs, that in the conte*t of a personal relationship, women need their
man to !e clean and fresh. hat's !ecause a clean fresh man is very
attractive to a woman. Aemem!er a woman's sense of smell is often way
more acute than a man's. 8ersonally speaking I find her re(uest 3assuming it
is to do with undergarments, shirts, etc. and not outer garments like 'ackets
and trousers4 perfectly reasona!le. +re you standing so firm on some !i9arre
!elief on what makes a man a man, that you cannot grant her re(uest?
I will tell you what you need to do if you want to have a chance to re-esta!lish
your relationship. You need to decide if you can live with your girlfriend's
re(uest regarding your personal cleanliness, and if you can to then write to
her, apologi9ing for the stance you have taken, for not understanding her
needs and for !eing so pig headed. hen promise that you will wash your
clothes as she re(uests. hen if you get !ack together, follow through - !e
true to your promise.
If your relationship is re-esta!lished, you may 3or you may not4 have further
issues around attitudes to cleanliness. With clear communication,
forgiveness, love and understanding, if there are further issues they can also
!e worked through and a way of living with your differences arrived at. 1he
may have a slight compulsion to clean - or she may not, I cannot tell - !ut
together you may !e good for one another in this area. With love and clear
communication you may !ecome cleaner and more respecta!le and she may
not !e (uite so adamant that her home is 'ust perfect. his would !e good for
!oth of you. hat's how love works%
If she doesn't get !ack to you as a result of your letter, wait a few weeks 3or
months4 and call her on the phone. If she really has given up on you after
this, accept it and learn a lesson from this. You will then !e a changed person
and as a result will find it easier to attract 3and keep%4 another romantic
partner
I'm in love with a wonderful man but am happily married with children - can I love
two men at the same time?
The questioner's philosophy: )y philosophy is more along the lines of
1cience of )ind, I !elieve that 5od is pure love and in everything and
everyone, not some far off entity that 'udges our every move.
The questioner's hopes and aspirations: o find my sacred contract and
understand my purpose on this plane.
Question: When I was in my late twenties I met a wonderful free spirited
man that I fell head over heels in love with. He had the kind of career that
took him all over the world and even though he wanted to try to continue our
relationship, al!eit !y distance, I was not secure enough in myself to trust
him. I did love this man very much, !ut I felt I needed to protect my heart
from the pain of our inevita!le !reakup. I was also a single )om at the time
and knew I could never leave my children !ehind and follow this wonderful
man and I knew my e* hus!and would never let me take the children out of
the country. I was the one to end the relationship and we parted as friends
!ut I never e*pected to ever see him again.
I have since married !ut never forgot this man and thought of him fondly over
the years and then last year we reconnected on /ace!ook. He is a newlywed
living in another country !ut lately our emails have turned from friendship to
romance. I love my hus!and !ut my feelings for this man are also very
intense. I am going to meet him and his wife in )arch and I am afraid that my
feelings may get the !est of me. I 'ust want to know if it is possi!le to love
more than one person or is this 'ust a way for me to 'ustify having an affair. I
am finding this very difficult !ecause as much as I want to see him there is a
side of me that thinks this may not !e a great idea. )y friends say no harm
done, he cares a!out you as a friend !ut he is in love with his wife - 'ust go
and see him and have a nice time. Is this possi!le?
Wallace's reply:
Ban I love two men 3or women4 at the same time? his is a (uestion that has
!een answered in different ways !y many people and has provoked hot
de!ate throughout the ages. I will look at this (uestion from a spiritual point of
view and call on ancient wisdom 3and common sense4 to provide the answer.
I would like you to also comment on this pivotal (uestion that many people
wrestle with, !y posting your comment as a follow up to this (uestion and my
reply on the Heart to Heart /orum.
I admire your courage in writing to me so honestly on this vitally important
su!'ect. I sense that your friend's advice does not sit (uite right with you -
hence your email. I feel the weight of responsi!ility on my shoulders as I
reply to this (uestion.
he situation you are presented with is a test of your resolve. You say your
philosophy .is more along the lines of 1cience of )ind, I !elieve that 5od is
pure love and in everything and everyone.. Yes 5od is along the lines of
1cience of )ind and yes 5od is pure love. Bonse(uently His will for our life
can !e understood !y learning to look at any situation holistically. What does
this mean? It means seeing the !ig picture and taking the course of action
that e*presses love and does not do harm. &ringing this level of awareness
to every decision protects us from taking misguided 3and selfish4 acts that
ultimately are not in our own interests and not in the interests of those we
love and hold dear.
+re you doing this?
,et us look together at the !ig picture. /irst of all let's !e clear a!out your
intentions. You write, .I 'ust want to know if it is possi!le to love more than
one person or is this 'ust a way for me to 'ustify having an affair.. It is o!vious
from your (uestion that you are going to see this man with the intention of
having an affair. +s far as you are concerned it is not some casual trip to
have a !it of fun as your friends suggest. I will answer your (uestion. Where
romantic love !etween a man and a woman is concerned - no, it is not
possi!le to love more than one person and - yes, your thinking this, is a way
for you to 'ustify having an affair.
,et us continue to look together at the !ig picture. You have a hus!and whom
you love, and children, and are married not only to your hus!and !ut also into
his family, your children's step relations, cousins, uncle's and aunt's. his is a
large group of people who are close to you and your children and who care
a!out you and you a!out them. What will happen to your hus!and, whom you
say you love, and this large family group, if you !egin an affair with the
person you call this .wonderful man.? How will they feel a!out you having an
affair? What will happen to these relationships? How will your hus!and react?
Your children may !e teenagers or young adults, !ut still need a safe and
secure family. What will happen to your children if you start this affair? How
will they react to the turmoil of !itter relationships that will then surround
them? What emotional and psychological damage will they suffer as a result?
hen we come to this newly wed you say you are in love with - this
.wonderful man.. He is only 'ust married and already he is acting in ways that
are contrary to his wedding vows. He is newly married to his wife and also
connected to his own large family group. What will happen to all these
relationships if you proceed with your intentions? +re you really prepared to
travel to another woman's home, en'oy her hospitality and then steal her
hus!and? I have to tell you, the thought of you laying plans to this effect
upsets me deeply.
$ow let us consider in more detail this man whom you say you admire - he is
newly wed, his life !onded to that of his innocent wife, so full of shared hope
and aspiration. When he is prepared to engage in romantic liaisons with you
over the Internet, he is !ehaving in a manner that 'eopardi9es the young love
he has with his new wife. 1o seriously ask yourself this (uestion - how
wonderful is he? +nd - who will he cheat on ne*t? You perhaps%
$e*t I want you to look at this decision from your own point of view. You see
5od as !eing pure love within .everything and everyone. - that includes you%
If you pursue this affair I think we can already agree that it would do untold
harm to many people. ?oing harm runs counter to love. What would happen
to your relationship to 5od within 3yourself4 were you to pursue this path?
Would your conscience trou!le you for the rest of your life? I think it would.
Would you ever find peace again? 8erhaps not. Would you have to really
struggle and repent at length to re-esta!lish your relationship with 5od
3within4? )ost certainly.
You are a very lucky woman. You are in love with your hus!and and you have
!eautiful children and a family that care a!out you. )any women would love
to !e in your position. ?on't throw it all away on a whim and a teenage
fantasy. )y advice to you is to !reak off contact with this man and never !e in
contact again. If you do that you will change from living a lie to living in a
manner concurrent with your own philosophy and !e a person of integrity
once again. he relief and peace you e*perience from taking, and acting on,
this decision will !e enormous. If you feel like shedding some tears, please
follow these feelings. You will !e grieving for a lost fantasy, and this is good.
,et it all go. ,etting go of your fantasy will helps you focus on reality, the here
and now, and to appreciate and value your everyday e*istence.
)any people have the strangest ideas a!out love. hey think love is a
feeling, an emotion, a desire. It is true that love can give rise to these
e*periences !ut are these e*periences ,072? 0r is love a deeper thing -
something precious, that arises deep in one's heart in response to a
commitment made and seen through, despite all the trials and turmoil of life?
I urge you, after letting go of this fantasy, to return and recommit to your
relationship with your hus!and. 0pen up conversations with him a!out
meeting one another's needs within your marriage. +sk him a!out his needs
and share with him your own needs. Aeflect on your relationship and ask to
!e shown what aspect of yourself is not !eing fulfilled in your relationship
with your hus!and. What needs of yours do you feel are drawing you out of
your marriage toward this other doomed relationship? &y letting go of this
fantasy and recommitting to your hus!and in this way, you will have found
your sacred contract and your purpose on this plane. I will !e proud of you
!ecause you will have maintained your resolve and passed the test.
I implore you - listen to and reflect long on these words. )ay 5od guide you
in your decision.
!y mother will not tal" about my conception by a man who was not my father - why is
it unbearable for me to be around her?
The questioner's philosophy: &riefly, I do not !elieve that it was intended
for all people to form separate and differing religious groups, for I have
chosen to accept that it is 'separation' that is the cause of all emotional,
physical, psychological and spiritual pain. It is often pondered why, after each
time man has achieved success, fame, material accessories or great wealth,
he still hungers to fill the hole he feels inside. I have deduced that that hunger
has formed during his life span as a result of never having found his:her
'5od-centre' within his own heart or mind, therefore never e*periencing the
'food' that nurtures and fulfills his soul, reducing his eternal 'needs and
wants'. 1o, I don't !elong to any church or religious group - I 'ust am.
The questioner's hopes and aspirations: 5ratefully, I have lived to my C#'s
now and my hopes and aspirations are those of sincere concern for our
generations to come, we are all links in a never-ending chain 3?$+ validates
that now4 and I hope that the masses that are here right now elect to make a
conscious decision to link with like-minded folk who want to actively do their
part in making a significant difference for the !etter.
Question: hank you for this opportunity. his is such a !ig (uestion to ask,
so I am attempting to condense it without it turning into a !ook. +lso, this is
the very first time I have actually penned the following information. ?uring the
World War II years, I was !orn in >D<C to my )other and /ather who were
married, and ?ad was away up in $ew 5uinea in the fighting. )y mother
loved dancing and even though !eing married, she used to accompany her
younger sister to the local 1aturday night venues. )um !ecame pregnant
during this time 3?ad was still away4. When the news filtered through to him,
he took it !adly and attempted suicide, although not succeeding as his mates
got to him in time. He eventually returned home and life continued.
wo sisters and a !rother came along during the years. +lthough I was only <
to E years old at the time, I picked up that this sister was my /ather's favorite,
nothing to do with si!ling rivalry. ?ad had an endearing nick-name for her -
!ut not for meF ?ad always !eckoned her over on to his lap - !ut never meF
etc. We all grew up and married. In my late @#'s ?ad took a heart attack while
mowing the !ack yard and passed away. 1hortly after, my )other 3in a very
emotional state4 told me how it came to !e, that the man I thought was my
father - was not% 1he continued to tell me the story, !ut also !egged me not
to tell the other sisters and !rother, until after she died.
?uring years that followed, I found it very hard to honor that re(uest and
when I !roached the su!'ect with )um, every time her reaction was the
same, she would not ela!orate on details and ended up !y telling me to
forget it, as it was only a one-night stand and it didn't mean anything. )um
had a serious illness during "##E, I told my sisters and !rother as I felt that
)um should e*perience their understanding and compassion !efore she
might pass on. Happily she survived and is en'oying life again. )y (uestion-
Why is it un!eara!le for me to have my mother near or around me?
Wallace's reply:
I really empathi9e with your situation - it seems so intracta!le - !ut I want you
to know that no matter how intracta!le a pro!lem appears there is always a
resolution. Your e*perience of family disunity, of not !elonging, has !een with
you all your life. You may well wonder- why me? Why have I !een made into
an outcast? Why can I not !elong? Why can I not !e accepted? Why can I
not !e loved?
+s a child, when you were not invited to sit on your father's lap, and when
you were not given an endearing nickname, you were !eing given the
message, even at that very early age, that you did not !elong, that you were
different. +s you grew up, this e*perience of separation, and the
understanding of it, !ecame the central mission of your life - entering into
your philosophy when you chose to .accept that it is 'separation' that is the
cause of all emotional, physical, psychological and spiritual pain.. Your
e*perience of separation was, and still is, the defining e*perience of your life.
Why is this and how can this e*perience of separation, of not !elonging,
come to an end?
You were !orn into the family situation you found yourself in for a reason.
Your soul choose to incarnate into this situation so that you could work out
unresolved karma and have the opportunity to learn lessons vital to your
evolution, that would assist toward merger, or union with your soul - the
5odhead. Bonse(uently the resolution of your life long e*perience of
separation and not !elonging, carries with it the possi!ility of your
transformation into a higher level of soul connection and heightened
e*perience of inner peace, love and 'oy. &ut first you need to understand the
lesson contained within, what appears to you to !e, an intracta!le situation.
It is a rule of spiritual evolution that the more intracta!le a pro!lem appears,
the !igger the lesson it contains - therefore I am going to give you a very !ig
lesson, !ut !ecause your soul has chosen this family, it has also chosen this
lesson and I feel confident that you are now ready to receive it.
You will have to forgive your mother, even if she decides to never talk a!out
your illegitimate !irth again, even if the secrets of your !irth are !uried with
her in her grave.
his is a !ig task, !ut I am now going to help you to accept it. You asked me
why it is un!eara!le for you to have your mother near or around. he answer
is !ecause of all the anger, !itterness and resentment you feel toward your
mother. You feel that she is the cause of your not !elonging, of your !eing
different, of your separation from family. You also feel that she is unwilling to
help you resolve this issue !y her telling you !riefly of your origins, then
!egging you to not discuss it with your two sisters and !rother and refusing to
discuss the matter with you again.
I now want you to distinguish !etween you as adult and you as child. +s a
child you e*perienced a degree of separation and not !elonging to your
family. Why this was, was a mystery to you. You lacked the means to
understand it. /or you it meant a degree of pain and alienation. hen you
grew into an adult and learnt new things a!out your origin and !egan to
understand it. Burrently you are !oth the child who e*perienced the
alienation 3we still contain our childhood e*periences as adults4 and the adult
who partially understands it. $ow I want you to transmute into the person
who still contains her childhood e*periences and the adult who fully
understands them. his full understanding will assist with forgiveness.
o attain this full adult understanding I want you to see your mother as she
really is - a woman near the end of her life, who knows she has made a
ma'or indiscretion with life-long conse(uences, !ut who, !ecause she is
afraid of the truth, is currently una!le and unwilling to talk a!out it. his
unwillingness may change, !ut it may not. Your mother is near the end of her
life. 1he is frail and elderly. Her personal reserves are low. 1he may not !e
up to the task of addressing this issue. 0n the other hand she may surprise
you and !e willing to talk - we cannot tell. &y all means see if you can
instigate conversation on this topic. ell her how much it would mean to you
to talk a!out it. hen look for any signs that she is willing to talk, encouraging
her if you see such signs. hat is the !est you can do. he passage of time
will add its own pressures. Your 'o! is to !e ready, should she decide to
address this issue with you.
You also need to accept now that your mother may choose to never talk
a!out your !irth. If this indeed proves to !e the case, her silence is not so
much !ecause she is unwilling or !ecause she wants to punish you, !ut
!ecause she is simply una!le to face up to the conse(uences of her
indiscretion. If this proves to !e the case you must accept that and forgive
her anyway. /ind it in your heart to forgive your mother !ecause you see her
as she is, a woman afraid of the truth and who is una!le to face up to it. Your
mother's decision to stay silent, if this is what she does, is nothing to do with
you - it is !ecause she is terrified of her own demons. +s such she deserves
your compassion and not your hate. his is your !ig lesson, to feel
compassion for your mother !ecause you see her for what she is and forgive
her for !eing uncommunicative.
+s you do this remem!er all your mother's good points - how she gave !irth,
raised and educated you and !rought you into independent adulthood. Aecall
the fun times you had with her. ;eep these thoughts uppermost in your mind
!y appreciating and remem!ering them and her. Her passing may well illicit
profound emotion !ut if you keep in mind what I have written you will !e a!le
to en'oy your remaining time together and that needs to !e valued.
I feel suffocated by my parents who will not support the plans I have for my life - how
can I correct this?
The questioner's philosophy: I am a third year !usiness administration
student, of Bhinese descent, a new age !eliever, who was raised !y super
conservative parents, and who feels suffocated !y family.
The questioner's hopes and aspirations: I hope to !e independent, to
make something of myself in another country.
Question: I am sending you this message hoping to !e enlightened a!out
my current situation. I attend a su!standard university I a!solutely hate
!ecause it was my father's wish and knowing how he is when he's angry, I
couldn't and still can't diso!ey. I cannot wait to graduate% )y years in that
university have !een the worst in my life, not at all what I envisioned in high
school, which !rings me to the (uestion - What happened to the law of the
universe?
+ll my life, I imagined making it !ig in college, landing on the dean's list,
impressing people, taking on challenges. 2verything happening right now
runs counter to that. I presently have my eyes on a university in Bhina. It's
e*pensive, so I'll !e working on an application for a scholarship. )y parents
could very well afford to pay for my education a!road !ut I hate hearing my
dad keep saying how I'm so useless and how much I owe him. o him, I am
never good enough. 1o I'll make sure I get that scholarship. &ut I have fears.
hey often make me (uestion what I am really up to. +m I selfish? What is it
that I need to change in my life?
I have arthritis. I read somewhere that arthritis is caused !y endless
complaining, which makes sense. Ban I still reverse my disease? I have
managed the pain !ut I still cannot move as freely as !efore the onset of the
illness. What should I do? I reside in the 8hilippines, where spiritual
resources are not as readily availa!le as they are in the 1tates.
+lso, my family keeps pestering me a!out going to church. I have read $eale
?onald Walsh's and other spiritual teachers' !ooks and have decided that the
Batholic Bhurch is not for me. It is too dogmatic, too ritualistic. I feel that my
family has always !een discontented with me !ecause of my tendency to
follow what I !elieve in. I e*plained to them that my decision to $0 go to
church is my choice. $either side is right or wrong. It's only a matter of !elief
and the willingness to stand up for that !elief. How do I correct these things?
Wallace's reply:
his young woman needs our support and encouragement. Here is my
perspective, please offer yours on the Heart to Heart /orum.
?o not hate your current university. It may not !e what you wished for !ut see
everything in life as a gift, to !e appreciated - even things that appear to !e
!ad% hen you will have fewer pro!lems, !ecause you will !e seeing the
good in everything. When we are a!le to see the good in everything, we
perceive the unity of life - how everything works together for our spiritual
welfare. 0ften the thing that appears the hardest and most trou!lesome is
the very thing that helps us to mature and grow into a loving caring person.
1o do not hate anything - love and en'oy your life.
8ro!lems with parents and family pro!lems are the most common (uestions
that I am asked - so you are not alone. When children !ecome young adults
there needs to !e changes in the kind of relationship that e*ists !etween
offspring and parents. )any families find this transition difficult and stressful.
I want you to remem!er when talking with your parents and discussing
difficult issues, the many sacrifices your parents made to raise you to
adulthood. It is easy to see those things that you feel your parents are not
giving at present and that you would like them to give and forget a!out all
those times, especially when you were very young, when your parents
tended to your every need, sometimes in the middle of the night when they
were e*hausted, with love and devotion.
Having said that, I understand why you now feel suffocated in your
relationship with your parents and want to get away from home to spread
your wings. his is a legitimate aspiration for a young woman who is seeking
to find her own identity. 1ometimes parents unwittingly drive their young
adults away !y refusing to give them the scope and freedom to develop in
their own way. 8arents can feel that their young adults should !e copies of
themselves rather than individuals in their own right with their own !eliefs,
skills and attri!utes. When this happens pro!lems often develop in the
relationship !etween young adults and parents.
1o I would encourage you to continue to seek to develop your own path in
life - this is essential for your current and future well!eing - !ut while doing so
to treat your parents with compassion, remem!ering all the sacrifices they
have made to raise you into adulthood. You need to develop the 'oint skills of
firmness and compassion. You need firmness a!out your intended path in life
com!ined with compassion for your parents' well!eing and understanda!le
concerns.
8ursuing your heart's desire is not selfish !ut is rather a sign of mental and
spiritual health. here is nothing as powerful as a person who sets out to
pursue the path in life that is right for them. ?oing this however can !e
misinterpreted !y others, including parents. )y advice to you when you meet
opposition to your intended path, is to not give that opposition energy !y
opposing it in argument. If you are sure your intended path is the right one for
you, stick to your path with calm deli!eration and dedicated action. If others
wish to support you in your decision, goodF if not, find ways to !e self reliant
and still pursue your intended direction. If loved ones do not support you,
replace feeling hurt and victimi9ed with feelings of power and creativity. 6se
these feelings of power and creativity to ask 5od within to show you ways to
pursue your intended path. Aemem!er 5od supports right action that is in
accordance with your heart's desire - you will not !e alone on your 'ourney%
Initially your parents may continue to !e unhappy with your choices - you
have no control over their reactions and responses - !ut in time, parents
often come to appreciate and have respect for offspring who have led the life
their heart desires, leading to a much more harmonious relationship with their
offspring in later years.
I cannot answer your (uestions a!out arthritis.
#ow can I shift the fear of others' negative $udgments when at wor"?
The questioner's philosophy: 5reek 0rthodo*, I !elieve in loving and
caring for one another. l have compassion for others.
The questioner's hopes and aspirations: o !e successful and happy - I
have a lovely family and I want to always !e there for my children and
partner.
Question: I have this situation that when I am in my work environment. I feel
that people don't like me and they 'udge me and my work and then I lose all
my confidence and start feeling insecure, feel that I am not good at my work
and start thinking that I am a !ad person - then my work suffers. I start
feeIing depressed and insecure and get all these horri!le feelings that seem
to 'ust !e like a roller coaster. hen I come home and complain to my
hus!and that she did this to me and that person was like that to me.
I love what I do with great passion and don't want to walk away from my
career. I am aware that my parents used to put me down and tell me how
useless I was. I fear that this will always stick with me. It would !e my
a!solute freedom if I could shift this negative thing out of my Iife.
Wallace's reply:
When children are !rought up continually !eing 'udged they learn to fear
!eing 'udged and, in turn, have a tendency to 'udge others. Gudging and
!eing 'udged creates an environment of fear and inade(uacy. his is what
has happened to you. ?o not try and run away from this situation at work
!ecause the pro!lem is not in your work it is within yourself. &ecause the
pro!lem lies within yourself if you change 'o! you will only take the pro!lem
with you and e*perience it somewhere else. he good news is that you can
learn to !reak out of this vicious circle of relating to people through their
'udgments of you and your 'udgments of them. he solution is to open your
heart and love yourself and others instead of 'udging. I want to give some
guidelines to help you do this...
1. Stop taking other people's comments personally.
0ther people's comments are 'ust that - comments. You need to
develop the inner discipline that allows you to accept their comment
or 'udgment without taking it personally. o achieve this, learn to .self
refer. - this will give you confidence in yourself. What do I mean !y
self refer? If someone 'udges you or critici9es you, accept the
comment as 'ust that - a comment, someone else's perspective. ?o
not defend yourself against the comment !ut rather accept the
comment and then e*amine your !ehavior and consider whether or
not the comment is 'ustified. If it isn't 'ustified, ignore it. If it is 'ustified,
change your !ehavior.
o understand their comment, you are referring within yourself, i.e.
self referring. his skill of self referring leads to discrimination and is
the main skill you need to learn at this point in time - to !e a!le to
discriminate !etween comments others make that are valid and
change your !ehavior as a result of them, and comments that are not
valid and ignore the others' comments. I want you to practice this
every day you are at work. It will take time for you to develop the twin
skills of self referral and discrimination, !ut that is your main spiritual
task at the present time.
+s you develop and fine tune your skills of self referral and
discrimination these two skills will help you in every area of your life,
including your marriage and other primary relationships - so these
skills are well worth ac(uiring and your 'o! will provide the perfect
training ground.
2. Do not react emotionally to other people's judgments of you.
o go !eyond reacting emotionally to others' 'udgments, change from
seeing their !ehavior as an attack on your self worth to seeing it as
helpful and constructive. 1ee comments and 'udgments as
constructive - then they lose their power to cause hurt. You will !e
a!le to find them helpful !ecause you will !e using your powers of
self referral and discrimination, as outlined a!ove, to change your
!ehavior when needed. his in turn will !e helping you to grow and
mature as a person.
&efore you go into work each morning spend ># minutes (uietly on
your own. +s you sit in the (uiet, visuali9e each of your work
colleagues in turn. 1end out loving energy in the form of white light
from your heart to theirs and visuali9e this loving white energy
returning from their hearts to you. You can easily visuali9e this if you
take time to sit in silence. &y this means, feel a powerful !ond of love
and mutual support !etween you and your work colleagues !efore
you go out to work in the morning. ?oing this will help prevent you
from reacting emotionally to others' comments and 'udgments and
reduce emotion induced stress.
3. Do not judge others in thought or word.
8ractice not 'udging other people. If you do not 'udge others then you
in turn will not !e 'udged. 0ur relationships are like a mirror, in which
we can see ourselves. If others are 'udging you then it means you are
har!oring 'udgmental thoughts a!out them. o learn to stop 'udging
others learn to watch your own mind working.
o do this, detach your self from your thoughts. You are not your
thoughts. You are separate from your thoughts. /rom this place of
detachment, o!serve your thoughts working. 0!serve them as if they
!elonged to someone else. his is detachment. his is meditation. +s
you detach your self from your thoughts and learn to o!serve them
you will notice that you are having thoughts that 'udge others. hat is
all you need to do. &y simply !ecoming aware that you are having
these thoughts you will cause them to decline and they will lose their
power to control your !ehavior.
ake these three guidelines to heart, contemplate their significance, and
endeavor to implement them every day at work. If you do this gradually your
relationships at work will all improve and you will en'oy going into work
instead of fearing it. hen as you master these guidelines at work, e*pand
their use firstly to your marriage and then to all other relationships. 0nce you
have successfully implemented these guidelines across all your relationships
you will !e living a life in accordance with your own philosophy of loving and
caring for others and you will !e successful and happy in all areas of your
life.
I'm mad about a woman but she isn't interested in me - how can I forget her?
The questioner's philosophy: 1imple life full of work and love to everyone.
The questioner's hopes and aspirations: $ot much, down to earth, the
little is too much for me.
Question: hanks for your time listening to me. I love a trou!le some women
who already is in two or three relationships. 1he always tells me a!out her
trou!le with her regular partner as well as her !oyfriend who she considers
fun. 1he is Aussian with a very respecta!le 'o! and has a very nice way with
her that makes her lova!le !y many men.
0f course there is a reason for her !eing in many relationships. )y agony is
that I loved her from the moment I saw her and she has never !een out of my
mind for the last < years. I never have had a relationship !efore, never even
had se* life !efore, at my age - @D years. 2ven though I am a professional
guy I have never !een a!le to have some one close to me. I don't know why I
still love this women? 1he even advices me to !e engaged in a relationship
so I can forget a!out her.
I do everything within my power to see her even if it means I have to travel
miles and miles to spend ># ->E minutes with her. 1he always ends up
asking me to leave !ecause she is !usy.
How can I forget her if I loved her?
Wallace's reply:
)y heart goes out to you. Your (uestion has the feel of a desperate man
clutching at straws. I want us to pull together to help this man in the Heart to
Heart discussion forum.
I want to start my reply with a word of caution. Your pursuit of this woman is
o!viously unwelcome and if it continues could perhaps !e construed as
stalking% You need to learn to listen to women and what they are saying. he
lady in (uestion o!viously does not welcome your advances - so !ack off
!efore you !ring trou!le on yourself. here is a lot more to wooing a woman
than !lindly following your own out-of-control desires 3or should I say
o!sessions%4.
You are, !y your own admission, very ine*perienced at romance - so I am
going to give you some guidelines. Your o!session with this woman 3I think
o!session may !e the correct word4 and your lack of e*perience at your
advanced age are, I !elieve, related. /or years you have wanted a woman in
your life so much, yet have felt powerless to !ring this a!out. hen, out of
frustration and a deep sense of lack, you latch on to this woman 3who is
already unavaila!le and, according to how you descri!e her, totally
unsuita!le for a committed, e*clusive relationship4 and you are prepared to
travel miles and miles to see her only to !e told to get lost%
I want you to e*change your feelings of !eing distant, remote and inade(uate
around women for feelings of confidence, competence and power in relation
to your a!ility to attract woman into your life. o do this you need a few
helpful guidelines and some real life e*perience.
>. +ttraction has to !e a two way e*perience. /or you to feel attracted to
a woman and to pursue that attraction is not enough. o succeed, the
woman needs to feel some attraction toward and confidence in you.
his means when you are mi*ing among woman you need to have
you antennae out for signals from the woman that she is interested in
getting to know you in a romantic way. his means taking your
attention away from your desires to have a woman and focus instead
on whether the woman is giving you signals that she is interested in
getting to know you more. If you do not receive these signals, no
matter how much you feel attracted to her, do not pursue the woman.
". ?o not pursue women who are already in a relationship - even if the
woman is giving you signals to do so. + woman is either availa!le for
an e*clusive romantic relationship or she is not. 8ursuing women who
are already in a relationship will only give you pro!lems and cause
heartache all round.
@. &e interested in the woman as a person - not as an o!'ect of se*ual
desire. ?esire to !e involved with a woman in a romantic way in order
to understand, appreciate and serve her as a person first and let your
se*ual feelings always !e su!servient to these aims. If you start
having se*ual fantasies or desires a!out a woman, !ecome aware
that you are doing this !y learning to watch these desires developing
in your mind. If you are aware that these are only desires, and can !e
replaced !y a wish to !e interested in and of service to the woman,
then they will have less and less power to control your !ehavior and
cause you to act in inappropriate ways.
<. Breate lots of opportunities for romantic liaisons. What are your social
interests? If you have no social interests develop some. 5o to places
where single women go and mi* in their company, like dancing
classes, walking or other interests that will develop your social life.
2n'oy the e*perience of !eing around single women who share your
interests and are fun to !e with. &y com!ining this guideline with the
others a!ove, you will create lots of opportunities for dates with
availa!le women and you will not feel so powerless and desperate.
E. Aead some !ooks on dating and relationships and learn from them
and if you are still having pro!lems in this area consider going to a
relationship councelor to gain their support and insight as you seek to
date availa!le woman.
!y life is becoming a spiritual quest and I am loo"ing for a spiritual community - how
do I honor this search?
The questioner's philosophy: 5od is good, life is not easy, !ut 0;, gets a
little !oring after a while.
The questioner's hopes and aspirations: I have done everything I wanted
to do, need some new ideas.
Question: Hi, I need some advice or I'll even settle for an opinion. I 'ust had
my H#th !irthday, and have !uried my mentors, so the (uestions I'm wrestling
with are those that I truly don't have answers for. I live what some people
would think is a cra9y life, 3I also think they're a little envious4. I'm a full time
Aover, traveling north in the summer and south in the winter, staying where I
like, and leaving that which I don't like.
I have !een singled and retired since >D=E, though I do work now 3I own a
small !usiness, that gives me profit and plenty of free time4. I think I'm one of
those rare people who pretty much live their own life, the way they want.
hat's pro!a!ly why I'm single. ,0,. +ny way I think that most of the world is
an insane asylum, run !y the inmates, and as I get older it serves my !est
interest to stay as far away from their world as possi!le.
What I'm looking for is a spiritual community, not 'ust a Bhurch or emple, !ut
a way of life, I don't know if this is making any sense or not, !ut my life is
!ecoming more of a spiritual (uest, than a human e*perience. I am not a
human !eing, with a spirit... !ut a spiritual !eing residing in an ageing !ody.
1o if you have any advice for an old war dog )arine, please share your
knowledge and e*periences.
Wallace's reply:
?oes a person fulfill a spiritual (uest !y suiting themselves? Where is
spiritual community to !e found? I'd like to see us discuss these issues !oth
here and in the forum. I, for one, will gladly share my perspective. 1ince this
week's maga9ine is focusing on finding your life's purpose I invite you, the
reader, to share your perspective with this aging )arine.
/or a spiritual (uest to yield the fruits of e*panded love, 'oy, peace and
understanding, it must involve sacrifice. What is sacrifice? 1acrifice means
devoting ourselves to a cause or purpose or person that needs attended to
and the e*penditure of our own time, money and energy in serving that
cause, purpose or person.
I am reminded of the great scientist, )arie Burie who said, .We must !elieve
we are gifted for something. +nd that this thing, at whatever cost, must !e
achieved.. hat in essence is sacrifice - at whatever cost. +s an old war dog
and )arine, you will have put your life on the line in the service of a cause
.greater than yourself.. You may even have seen your comrades pay the
ultimate price in the service of such a cause.
+lthough war is in many ways the result of human weakness and failure to
communicate, nevertheless as a soldier, when your country called on you in
its hour of need, you responded. In that response you took risks, acted with
courage and co-operated with others in the pursuit of that which needed to
!e done. here is a particular !ond !etween people when they act with such
motivation, risking all they have for the sake of a purpose greater than their
own narrow interests. his !ond is a spiritual !ond woven together !y
common sacrifice and singleness of purpose.
1ince you mentioned it in your reply, there were possi!ly elements of )arine
life that you look !ack on with affection. You need to ask yourself why? What
can you learn from your time spent in the )arines? How can you take the
!est from that e*perience and use it today to create for yourself that same
sense of sacrifice, singleness of purpose and spiritual !onding that you
e*perienced while in the )arines?
5od knows the world has enough pro!lems that need attending to. You need
not !e short of causes. + cause can come in any si9ed package, and it is
usually !est to start small. Instead of roving a!out and suiting yourself why
not commit to someone or something that really needs help - and sacrifice
the remainder of your life in such service. You will never !e happier and the
!ond you will form with others, although it will !e devoted to !uilding rather
than destroying, may surprise you with feelings of love and kinship that are
similar to the times you spent in the )arines.
1o why not drop in at your local homeless shelter and !efriend a drug addict
or start a sports team to take vulnera!le kids off the streets, or whatever else
you may feel is vitally important. hose vitally important tasks do not yield a
!ig income - (uite the opposite, they re(uire sacrifice. When you are
prepared to sacrifice your life for others, you can have any .'o!. you want.
You do not need (ualifications, nor do you need employees !ecause people
will (ueue up to help, nor do you even need money, other than something to
prime the pump, !ecause the money will !e forthcoming. +ll you need is a
powerful 7ision of what you want to do and !uckets of ,ove. 7ision and ,ove
will get you the !est .'o!. in the world.
+nd when you find that .'o!. decide to stick with it. ,et serving that .'o!. help
you to put down roots and commit to one thing - the thing that makes your
heart sing with 'oy. +nd as your commitment deepens, roots will grow. hese
roots will cause of the sprouting of a wonderful tree of service, that when it
!lossoms, will attract many friendly people and animals to gather in the
welcome shade of its !ranches. hen in the shade of this tree of service you
will have found the spiritual community for which you search. his tree of
service will eventually !ear the fruits of 'oy, peace, love and understanding.
You will !e surrounded !y your spiritual home and you can die in peace
knowing that your life was not lived in vain !ut was the cause of happiness
for many.
!y e%-partner is pursuing me but in the past he treated me badly & should I respond?
The questioner's philosophy: $ot to have any regrets and to use life as an
opportunity to learn and grow. I !elieve in a freedom for spirituality... I was
raised with a Bhristian !elief !ut have a connection with the divine or a
greater power than ourselves.
The questioner's hopes and aspirations: o !e the !est I can at what I
pursue in lifeF to !e happy.
Question: Is going !ack actually going forward?
When I was >= I involved myself in a relationship with a man who was older
than me in years !ut pro!a!ly not emotional years. I chose to continue to
pursue this even though he kept telling me that I should move on and find
someone else. I ignored this, and continued to persuade and pursue.
I stayed with this man. I led the relationship all the way even though he never
told me he loved me 3he didn't need to say it, I should know what he thinks4
and made it clear on more than one occasion that he would never marry me
3or anyone else for that matter4. He allowed me to pay for everything and
positively encouraged me to get into de!t. +t times he refused to work. 0n
practically every occasion we went out for meals or drinks, he would end up
picking a fight with me or ver!ally and emotionally a!using me. I conceived
and gave !irth to a wonderful child, !ut then had to go !ack to work full time
and spent most of my time alone with the child, or undertaking any daily
activity alone or with the child.
$eedless to say in the end I left. I went !ack !ut left again. he last time I
stated that I did not want the relationship any more !ut was determined to
remain friends, and I worked hard to minimi9e any friction, and he in turn has
done the same.
1i* years down the line and he is indicating that he wishes for us to reunite,
!ut he has in fact asked me every year for the last si* years, even though he
has continued to remain in a different area of the country and had up until
recently !een in a relationship with someone for nearly @ years. He's
successful now, we are good friends !ut I cannot define my feelings on his
re(uest. How can going !ack !e moving forward, or is life really a simple yes
or no?
I have no relationship, I am fussy, possi!ly intolerant of men, my own worst
critic !ut deeply care what others think. I have made mistakes in the last C
years !ut regret nothing. I have a deep desire for things to move forward, !e
grown up, have it all. I'm stuck.
Wallace's reply:
Here is my perspective... his man does not seem from his past actions, as
descri!ed !y you, to !e good marriage material. Why would you want to
associate with a man who didn't pursue you, never told you he loved you, got
you pregnant, wanted you to pay for everything, encouraged you to get into
de!t, refused to work and who a!used you. &e wary of your .deep desire for
things to move forward, !e grown up, have it all..
Instead of seeking a relationship with a man and .having it all. as your
deepest desire, make seeking a relationship with your Higher 1elf your top
priority. Your very desire to move things forward could !lind you to the
o!vious shortcomings of this man and get you into trou!le once again.
Having said that, people can and do change I I do not know this man.
However the warning !ells are sounding when he is going out with someone
else and is at the same time pursuing you. I would advise profound caution
when dealing with this man. he world is full of wonderful men I if you are
intolerant of men, this will keep you from meeting the really great men who
would make fa!ulous hus!ands.
)y advice to you is to drop your deep desire to .have it all. and instead !e
content with your life as it is. /eel appreciation for what you do have. hen
reprioriti9e, putting your main emphasis on developing a relationship with
your Higher 1elf, 5od Within. 0nce you do that your inner guidance will
!ecome clearer and you will know e*actly where you stand in relation to this
man.
I am frustrated trying to wor" in a team with a manager who is less educated than I am
The questioner's philosophy: I'm here to advance myself, others and the
world. I've got )uslim !ackground, now interested in $ew hought, Bhopra
work and &uddhism.
The questioner's hopes and aspirations: o develop a healthy and wealthy
family, to offer a peaceful life to my parents, to offer the world useful solutions
for life.
Question: I studied +pplied )athematics. ,ast year I applied to a company
and they accepted me. I was put in a position that was not appropriate for me
3it was hardware-oriented, and I'm software-oriented4. I couldn't integrate into
auto-didactical point of view of the others - it was only me that was university
oriented. I was fired after three months of test work.
I had a long period of down-time. I used some tapes of $ew hought and got
healed. I finished with the university, and started to work there as an
assistant. his is the Eth year of successful teaching, and it's going !etter and
!etter.
In meanwhile I attended an +cademy of 8rogramming in a private company.
0f D students and the trainer, only another student and I were graduates. I
got the practical e*perience and for C months showed e*traordinary results in
the degree of comple*ity of the software I could make, passing even the
trainer:manager who has an industrial !ackground, knowledge and
certifications.
When the school was over, the company offered us working places. I was
offered a position lower than others who got certified through cheating ways,
not (ualitatively. I started to complain and to e*press my dissatisfaction when
at work. I started !eing more aggressive in e*pressing my knowledge on
solutions. ,ast week, I was !eing a !it sarcastic a!out a solution that the
manager himself had decided, which for me and two other developers was
incorrect. hat made my manager angry and he fired me from the
department.
hen I talked to the director of company in a friendly way. He e*plained to me
that I'm a person that doesn't fit into a team. )y opinion is that I can !e a
team-player if the team is at my level of knowledge, acting to fill weaknesses
in other fields of the su!'ect.
In childhood I was a reader, and liked studying rather than !eing a social
person. I liked to play chess, and when my friends started to !ecome
aggressive in adolescence, I separated from them and sociali9ed with
peaceful people. )y (uestion is how can I !e socia!le and a team player?
Wallace's reply:
Your (uestion and our accompanying online discussion, raises the issue of
!eing aware of who is responsi!le for what. I understand your frustration with
the manager who decided on a solution that you knew was incorrect.
However in life and on a team we have to acknowledge who is responsi!le
for making the final decision a!out which solution is accepted. If it is the
manager's responsi!ility then it is a mistake to !ecome sarcastic if he
chooses differently from us - even if we know he is in error. If we have a
manager we must allow him the space to manage and to make key
decisions. We can offer our point of view !ut must not override our manager's
role as decision maker.
1ome managers are !etter than others at listening to their staff and learning
from them. /or some managers, a well educated self-assured young mem!er
of staff can appear as threatening to their authority. In circumstances like this
it is !est to remain cautious. he right approach in such circumstances is to
adopt the role of that of a coach or trainer to your manager. You would not tell
your manager you were taking this role of course, !ut that is the !est
approach. +s the manager's coach you use your greater awareness of the
pro!lems and possi!le solutions to ask the manager key (uestions. +n
e*ample of a (uestion you could ask is, .+re there any ways in which this
solution might !e improved?. or .How would this solution work from the
customer's point of view?. &y these means encourage him to think more
deeply and creatively a!out the team's pro!lems, and prompt him with keys
to possi!le solutions if he is stuck, !ut all the time leave the choice of path
that leads toward a solution and the decision on the solution to the manager
himself - not getting upset if he chooses differently from you.
If you feel restricted !y such an approach and want more freedom to !e
involved in decision making then I suggest you change your team, or your
'o!, to a new position where you will either !e listened to more fully and
where your skills will !e appreciated, or to where you yourself will !e the
decision maker. If you do ever !ecome the decision maker, remem!er the
e*perience you had with your authoritarian manager and resolve to listen
fully to your staff and involve them in decision making. &y doing this as a
manager you will reduce your authority !ut gain respect and love - and these
are more powerful allies when faced with the responsi!ility of managing a
team, finding solutions and making the !est decisions.