Cut the Label

The Necessary First Step to Effective Parenting

By Stella Antakusuma
L
abels are so ubiquitous
in our daily conversa-
tions to describe our
children shy, rebellious,
lazy but they can also hurt.
Sometimes labels are a way
to rationalize misbehavior
Adam is lazy, therefore he
does not like to do his home-
work. Other times, they are
used to motivate children to
do as they are told. Sadly, fail-
ure to comply only invites
more labels Adam does not
do as he is told, therefore he
is also rebellious and irre-
sponsible.
Labeling is a slippery slope
and needs to be avoided at all
costs for the following rea-
sons:
LABELS IMPEDE
CHARACTER
DEVELOPMENT
While it is true that children
are born with different per-
sonality traits that we need
to acknowledge, premature
labeling can be counterpro-
ductive to their personal
growth. We often hope that
our children grow into confi-
dent and sociable adults. Yet,
children who feel anxious in
a new social situation, which
is common even amongst
adults, are hastily labeled an-
ti-social or shy. These chil-
dren may run the risk of
over-identifying with the la-
bels and lose the chance of
breaking through their feel-
ings of anxiety.
Instead, what we should ac-
knowledge is that learning
social rules takes time and a
lot of practice. Given the
right communication tools,
these children may very well
thrive in a social group. Be an
effective consultant to them
by first reflecting on their de-
velopmental milestones.
Share your values with them
and present them with rele-
vant skills to fill the knowl-
edge gaps.
LABELS
REINFORCE
NEGATIVE
BEHAVIORS
Labeling does not produce a
helpful and self-motivated
change. Going back to the ex-
ample of Adam; the danger
of constantly drilling the
lazy label into him is that he
may eventually become re-
signed to it. Over time, both
Adam and his parents will
start to believe that laziness
is an inherent personality
flaw. So what started out as a
temporary behavioral prob-
lem can become a permanent
issue and spread into other
aspects of his life beyond
homework.
Instead of seeing our chil-
dren as culprits, think about
their negative behaviors in
terms of unmet needs. In-
volve them in the problem-
solving process and think of
solutions that can meet our
needs and theirs. The princi-
ple of participation states
that A person is more moti-
vated to carry out a decision
that he has participated in
making than he is in a deci-
sion that has been imposed
on him by another.
POSITIVE LABELS
RESULT IN FEAR
OF FAILURE
On the other hand, calling
Adam a good boy when he
does his homework also has
its perils. Placing undue pres-
sure on children can impede
them from trying new things
or taking risks in the future.
Some children who find it
hard to remain good may
find themselves feeling emo-
tionally blackmailed and ma-
nipulated.
Positive reinforcement can
be more effective if we focus
on the act and how it has a
positive effect on us. Saying
Youve completed the home-
work all by yourself! That
saves me a lot of time and ef-
fort chasing after you would
be more specific and it brings
out the helper in our chil-
dren.
// Stella Antakusuma is a certified
Parent Effectiveness Training
(PET) Instructor. PET is a globally
recognized, skill-based training
program that helps parents to
communicate more effectively with
their children. PET courses will be
offered in Shanghai in September
2014. For more information,
please contact antakusuma@
yahoo.com.sg or log on to www.
virgoparenting.tumblr.com
Instead of
seeing our
children as
culprits, think
about their
negative
behaviors in
terms of unmet
needs
43 www.urban-family.com