T.D. Jakes Speaks To Men, 3-In-1

Name /JakesSpeaksMen3in1/01 01/14/2010 04:59PM Plate # 0 pg 3 # 3
T.D. Jakes, T.D. Jakes Speaks to Men

Bethany House Publishers, a division of Baker Publishing Group, .1995, 1996, 1997 Used by permission.
T. D. Jakes Speaks to Men
Copyright 1995, 1996, 1997
T. D. Jakes
Previously published in three volumes:
Loose That Man and Let Him Go!
T. D. Jakes Speaks to Men!
So You Call Yourself a Man?
Cover design by Eric Walljasper
Unless otherwise identied, Scripture quotations are from the King James Version of the Bible.
Scripture quotations identied NASB are taken from the NEW AMERICAN STANDARD BIBLE,
Copyright The Lockman Foundation 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977,
1995. Used by permission. (www.Lockman.org)
Scripture quotations identied TLB are from The Living Bible 1971 owned by assignment by
Illinois Regional Bank N.A. (as trustee). Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc.,
Wheaton, IL 60189. All rights reserved.
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or
transmitted in any form or by any meanselectronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or
otherwisewithout the prior written permission of the publisher. The only exception is brief
quotations in printed reviews.
Published by Bethany House Publishers
11400 Hampshire Avenue South
Bloomington, Minnesota 55438
Bethany House Publishers is a division of
Baker Publishing Group, Grand Rapids, Michigan.
Printed in the United States of America
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Jakes, T.D.
T.D. Jakes speaks to men : three bestselling books in one volume!
p. cm.
Summary: Popular writer and minister T.D. Jakes exhorts and encourages men to face the life
issues that keep them from reaching their potential so that they can accomplish all God intends for
themProvided by publisher.
ISBN-13: 978-0-7642-0357-2 (hardcover)
ISBN-10: 0-7642-0357-6 (hardcover)
1. Christian menReligious life. 2. Christian menPrayer-books and devotionsEnglish.
I. Title.
BV4528.2.J35 2007
248.8'42dc22 2006038403
T. D. JAKES, founder and senior pastor of The Potters House Church in
Dallas, Texas, is a celebrated speaker and author with many bestselling
books to his credit. His weekly television broadcast is viewed in millions of
homes nationwide. Featured on the cover of Time Magazine, he is known
around the world for his message of freedom to be found in Christ.
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T.D. JAKES
LOOSE THAT MAN AND LET HIM GO!
DEDICATION
This book is dedicated to the memory of my father, Rev. Ernest L. Jakes,
Sr.; to my brother Earnest L. Jr., whose presence in this world has made life
richer and fuller for me; and especially to the destiny of my three sons,
Jamar, Jermaine and T.D., Jr., whose lives have been a burning blaze in my
heart. I know that they are manuscripts yet to be written and songs waiting
to be sung. To the world I say get ready for them, they are being printed at
this very moment and soon to be published. They will be well worth
reading.
CONTENTS
One When I Was a Child . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5
Two Suffer the Little Children . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 14
Three Confronting the Child in You . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 23
Four When I Became a Man . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 39
Five The Party Is in Progress. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 54
Six When the Yoke Isnt Easy. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 63
Seven Marriage: Missionaries or Men? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 71
Eight Mighty Men Still Need Rest . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 79
Nine You Are Still My Son! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 87
Ten Surrogate Fathers . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 95
Eleven A Mans Best Friend . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 105
Twelve The Saul Syndrome. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 116
Thirteen When the Clothes They Make Dont Fit! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 125
Fourteen Knocked No Lower Than My Knees! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 138
Fifteen Living Like a Loosed Man . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 156
A Final Word . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 168
A Selection of Prayers for Men . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 171
5
C H A P T E R O N E
WHEN I WAS A CHILD
When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child,
I thought as a child: but when I became a man,
I put away childish things.
1 CORINTHIANS 13:11
E
very man, great and ordinary, famous or forgotten, enters this world
traumatically and begins to perceive his surroundings through the eyes
of a child. It is during these tender years that he experiences the beginnings
of his masculinity.
Our development as men is shaped by the things we encounter as chil-
dren. Our masculinity is dened by our fathers and our relationships. Dys-
functions in our adulthood were also shaped or inuenced by the pres-
enceor absenceof the men who fathered us. What painful childhood
memories haunted young Adolf Hitler? Who touched the life of Martin
Luther King, Jr., or of Abraham Lincoln? What childhood pains or dreams
framed the thoughts of Malcolm X and Mahatma Gandhi?
Our fathers absence can form a sustained question in our minds, a
haunting thought, Maybe it was something I did or something I lacked that
caused him to leave. We learn the art of suppression early, deeply burying the
painful questions and the native sensitivity that is so easily bruised. We sup-
press the natural creativity that springs from a probing mind as we encoun-
ter the pain of continually being told, Shut up! I dont have the time to
listen to you.
Our fathers are our rst denition and demonstration of masculinity.
6
T . D . J A K E S
Unfortunately, our fathers model has caused many of us to equate masculin-
ity with absence, irresponsibility, sullen silence, or violence. All the fruits of
our manhood are rooted in our childhoodour self-esteem, our inner
awareness of who we are, our sexuality, our preferences. They are all deeply
planted in the soil of our early memories, experiences, and denitions.
God plants an innitely curious mind within every little child and ado-
lescent. As they grow older, many children bend to indifference and igno-
rance, while others surrender to scorn and punishment, and eventually most
will nally succumb to a formal education that will quench their natural
hunger for knowledge.
Young minds never stop gathering information through their senses, and
they constantly process their perceptions. What do you suppose those
Judean children perceived the day the young Rabbi, Jesus, rebuked the men
who were pushing the small ones away from Him? What went through their
minds as the children heard Him say, Suffer the little children to come unto
me, and forbid them not (Mark 10:14)? How many lives and destinies were
changed forever by His tender embrace and unconditional love that day?
Within every man dwells the little child who preceded him. Manhood is
rooted in childhood, and many of the thoughts you and I have today come
from our early experiences as children. You may read these words with sad-
ness if you are one of the thousands who involuntarily recoil at the mere
sight of the words, Father, Daddy, Papa, or Dad. They only represent pain
and loss to you.
I Spoke as a Child
My mother used to listen closely to me when I talked. Now I understand
that my mothers attention dignied my opinion. Her actions conrmed to me
that I mattered. Her careful (and patient) listening enriched my thinking
process with a self-esteem that caused me to believe that my thoughts were
important. Regardless of whether she agreed or didnt agree with what I said,
what excited me was that she listened to me.
Jesus spoke when He was a child. According to Luke 2:4647, He
entered the temple and spent ve days listening to and speaking with the
leading doctors of the Law while He was barely an adolescent! The Bible
says these scholars were astonished at his understanding and answers
(Luke 2:47 TLB). If you want to know who someone is, listen to what he
7
L O O S E T H A T M A N A N D L E T H I M G O !
says! For of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaketh (Luke 6:45).
Jesus started perfecting the art of expression early in His life, and even the
leading teachers of the day listened to Him. What a boost that must have
been to His self-esteem! There is something about expressing thoughts that
airs out the mind and sorts out the closets of the intellect.
My mother stimulated my creativity by listening to my expressed
thoughts. Her attention gave me respect for my own opinion, a respect that
still exists today. I am concerned that in the busy world of our day, the
children know we are not listening to them, and the pressure is rising.
Sadly, many times our parents did not listen to us. Neither have we
always listened to our children or to one another. Thus we have raised a
generation of angry young men. They in turn have carried their inner anger
into marriages in which they believe no one is listening to them. This con-
suming anger has surfaced as violence, introversion, perversion, or outright
self-destruction! Their self-esteem and integrity have been destroyed because
they have felt muzzled all their lives. They suffer like bound and gagged
prisoners in a rigid shell of outrage and despair.
As parents, pastors, and leaders, we often seem extremely stretched our-
selves, but we need to listen anyway! Men who curse and swear or even
become violent are just overgrown little boys having a tantrum because they
feel out of control. They are frustrated because life isnt listening!
When I was a child, I spake as a child (1 Corinthians 13:11). We all
need to be able to communicate our thoughts and express how we feel.
Jesus said, But those things which proceed out of the mouth come forth
from the heart; and they dele the man (Matthew 15:18). If there is any-
thing worse than the rage, the frustration, and the other negative things that
come out of us, it is the things that do not come out! Festering wounds are
dangerous wounds. A rumbling volcano is a dangerous omen, a solemn
warning of a coming eruption that could rain down destruction on everyone
living in its shadow.
Many men lose their ability to communicate during childhood. As
youngsters we are told what is appropriate to do (or is it merely conven-
ient?). Just sit over in the corner and be quiet! Now, as adults, we feel the
rush of unchecked adult passions, frustrations, and anger coursing through
us on the inside, and we cant speak. We cant communicate. Were ready to
explode, but we dont dare cry! Were hurting too bad to laugh. The only
8
T . D . J A K E S
emotion we are allowed to express is anger! (Why is anger the primary emo-
tion attributed to the male gender?)
The raging child who takes a hammer and pounds his toy into oblivion
soon becomes the grown man who runs his st through the wall and batters
his wife into an early grave. Many times this kind of rage is fueled by an
inability to turn thoughts into words. It is crucial for men to be able to vent
emotions and frustrations safely through appropriate channelsfor when
they dont, everything breaks loose. No one wins but the adversary of mens
souls.
I Understood as a Child
Our understanding is the digestive process of our minds. It is the stage
in which we come to a resolve and draw conclusions. Paul said that when
he was a child, he understood as a child. If as adults our understanding is
still elementary and childish, we may come to immature conclusions. Child-
ish wisdom can be the most dangerous of allespecially in the mind of a
wounded adult.
So many children who have grown up in broken homes determine at
some point in their lives that it is their fault their fathers and mothers sep-
arated. Many attempt to shoulder the blame and responsibility for their frac-
tured upbringing and become terribly scarred because of their childhood
conclusions and understandings. We court disaster when we carry childish
perceptions into adult relationships.
Distorted childhood perceptions and conclusions are often a spawning
bed for crippling thoughts of inadequacy. Such perceptions and conclusions
produce a lifetime of insecurity. At this very moment you and I still carry
the deep wounds that were incited by the cutting statements of other chil-
dren who never knew that their reckless words of scorn were lethal! Even
our sexuality is affected by early encounters and incidents. Many grown men
are recreating scenarios from their scarred and twisted childhood in their
adult fantasies. They are trapped by endless nightmares of sordid passions
and insatiable lusts.
We often build protective layers of denials, lies, and illusions around our
secret pains (like pearls, which are just abnormal growths of secretions lay-
ered around irritating foreign objects in the hearts of oysters) until some-
thing forces the issue. One day the pry bar of circumstance will force open
9
the shell and expose the secrets for all to see.
Our needs and preferences are a composite of early childhood experi-
ences and encountersa glimpse of naked esh furtively stolen from some-
one stepping out of a bath, a tender touch, a forbidden fondle, a feeling of
eeting pleasure. The nostalgia that shapes adult issues arises from a thirty-
year-old memory of sweet-smelling cologne, the touch of warm esh, or the
gentle caress of silken hair across the face. Whether the church wants to
deal with it or not, most men are involved with little boy thoughts that have
escaped their childhood and entered their adulthood like steam escaping
from a shower.
If sexuality is tampered with early in life, it can greatly twist and inu-
ence a mans perception of the whole issue of sex and personality.
I understood as a child. What a powerful statement! What is normal for
a child can be deadly for a man who still understands as a child. The suit is
bigger and the man is bigger. He has more hair and bigger biceps, but he is
no longer a baby; hes making babies. Despite his size, his childish under-
standing is dwarng him.
Depravation dwarsm is a psychological concept used to describe chil-
dren who have been physically dwarfed because they were not nurtured,
touched, or handled. The lack of love and physical closeness literally caused
their physical handicap. Millions of men are dwarfed in their emotions and
personalities because they were deprived of love and affection as children.
Although men have toys, many of them use them to cover their pain
and shame. They have the toys as well as the contrived expressions and
fanfare that go with them, but the toys are relative to culture.
Few people in our country understand that there is little difference
between an executive in a business suit and tie who goes to Joes Place for
happy hour, then staggers home half drunk, and a derelict on the street
corner in dirty blue jeans and a raggedy T-shirt sucking on a bottle in a
brown paper bag. Its the same addiction. One addict is simply better dressed
than the other. The differences are only economic, social, and cultural. One
man plays on a yacht while the other plays on a basketball court. Both men
may be trying to escape through the use of toys. One pays more for his toy
than the other, but in the end they both fail to escape.
Now there is nothing wrong with adult toys, but we need to know what
we use our toys for. Some of us use our toys for identication or to impress
people, while others use their toys to escape reality.
10
T . D . J A K E S
There is a universal commonality of masculinity; we are not that differ-
ent from each other. It doesnt matter whether we are Oriental, Caucasian,
Hispanic, Native American, or African American. Whether we are well edu-
cated or illiterate our basic needs are the same, and our ability to express
ourselves is relative to the amount of marbles we have in the bag. If you
have more marbles, you can do more things.
The book of Proverbs warns us with the passionate writings of a wise
father trying to save his son from the dangers of too much, too soon. Many
of us didnt read his words in time. There wasnt a father patient enough or
wise enough to save us from the pain. We became engulfed in excess. Our
heads intoxicated with the swirling spirals of unchecked emotions ingested
too much too early and never resolved the conicts that raged within us.
You cant have manpower until you have boy power. Someone must save
the children within us and the children weve fathered! They are being
destroyed before our very eyes. They are dying in the courtrooms of our
land and killing one another on the streets of our cities.
Our own broken childhoods have turned our little childrens lives into
unthinkable horror stories, spawning more crimes and murders in the bos-
oms of children than have ever been witnessed in history! The Apostle Paul
warned us in Ephesians 6:4, And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to
wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. Have
we so abused our children that now they rise in wrath to kill us?
I Thought as a Child
Never in history have we been so afraid of our own children! Grown
men are afraid to walk through crowds of pre-teen and young teenage boys
in the city. Young men have become so angry that adult men are intimidated
by them. Grandmothers are being killed by raging grandchildren who tie
them up in basements and set them on re! The news media report increas-
ingly gruesome teen atrocities that sound like gothic horror ctional novels
or nightmares from hell, but theyre happening. We sit in our easy chairs
and watch through television as thirteen-year-old boys stand trial before a
judge and jury and receive a life sentence without shedding a tear. Preoccu-
pied by our own pain, we have created monsters in our children. This plague
transcends racial and social boundaries. From the well-to-do Menendez
boys in afuent California to the boys in the hood of the urban ghetto, the
11
spirit of anger transcends culture. We have become angry, frustrated men,
and we have spawned a generation that is angrier than we are.
We have been given too much responsibility too fast. We have seen too
much. We have heard too much. We have watched the gropings of twisted
esh on prime time television and have listened to the squeaking noises
coming from our parents rooms in the night. We have challenged childish
minds with manly issues.
The mind of a child should not be stressed with harsh issues like moles-
tation, abuse, or domestic violence. This strain produces a mental hernia
that is visible in the character of the youngster for the rest of his life! Many
young men have followed their fathers footsteps into promiscuity, thinking
it natural to dene their masculinity by extreme sexuality. Isnt that what
Dad did? Like so many other excesses and escapes, it is just a drug taken
too often for a pain that will not go away. It only masks the symptoms
without healing the source of the pain.
Nearly every problem in society becomes more inamed by the raw
anger burning out of control within our young men. Racism is on a rampage
because men are angry. Violence is sweeping through our schools, our
homes, and our prime time crime shows. Even the politically correct
demands of the feminist movement have been swept aside by a new wave
of raw, angry sexuality that openly exploits and degrades participants on
both sides of the gender line. Whenever men are angry, they look for some-
body to blame. Adam set the pattern when he blamed Eve for making him
disobey Gods command in the Garden of Eden. (See Genesis 3:12.) When-
ever we are captured or feel trapped, we cast the blame on someone else.
An entire generation has become imprisoned in a pit of anger and frustra-
tion, and somebody has to take the blame.
The people of this generation look at each other and say, Youre the
reason Im in a rut! White men say, Blacks are taking all the jobs and
forcing the rest of us out! Just because Im white, I cant get a job with all
this Afrmative Action business. Im angrywe should do away with these
stupid programs! Meanwhile, angry black men are saying, White people
are the reason we cant nd decent work. Its white peoples fault that we
cant earn a living, because we have been discriminated against all those
years. Immigrants are saying, Neither of you is right. Here is the real rea-
son. . . . And so the arguing, blaming, and childish nger-pointing go on
and on.
12
T . D . J A K E S
Everyone is angry. We wound one another in our jealous, childhood
exchanges of bitter words. Our whole culture has become angry because we
have provoked our sons to wrath. How does a child forget the scene that
replays in his mind every day and nightthe picture of his mother angrily
wiping away her tears as his father mutters and throws his glass through the
television screen? Did he make his father angry that afternoon? Was his
mother upset because he couldnt please Dad enough to calm him down?
Surely there was something he could have done to x whatever was
wrong. . . .
Who can erase the burning shame and anger of the boy who dreaded
the bus ride home from school? Twenty years later he can still feel the
vicious blows, the curses, the blazing hatred in the eyes of his attackers
what had he done to deserve what they did to him? Whatever the reasons,
this boy, now inhabiting a frame bearing nearly 280 pounds of muscle,
bone, and sinew, cant control the burning rage and hatred he feels every
time he sees a member of that race. He only knows that he wants to strike
back again and again until his pain goes away. Thats why he is in prison.
Those feelings of buried childhood pain never leave us. They stay with
us all our lives, even when the roles change. We get bigger and we learn to
hide them better, but inside the little boy is still intimidated. We still feel
fearful. Were still bullied and overwhelmed by people at times. The child
within doesnt want to deal with the secret thoughts no one else knows
about. But many times, the secret thoughts force their way to the surface
and press the issue.
What prompts a forty-year-old man to suddenly discover one night as
he lies in bed that he needs to be held? All his life hes been the holder. All
of a sudden, this macho man turns to his wife and says, Just hold me.
When the pain breaks through, we are wrestled to the ground and made to
face an unsettling fact: A hurting little boy still lives within. We cannot
divorce ourselves from our inner need. So how do we spell relief?
Society, would you give me permission to be who I am without categoriz-
ing what you see? Must I live up to some image that you created for me to
conform to? Can you accept the fact that Im a combination of many different
types of dysfunctions bound together within one house?
All that I express, speak, and understand is relative to my childhood.
You will never understand the man I am on the outside until you have
13
touched the child within me. Wife, beware. Children, beware. Pastor,
beware. Boss, beware. If you never develop empathy for the little boy in me
who is holding a blanket and sucking his thumb in a doorway, watching
everyone leave, then you will never understand my erratic behavior as a man
on the job, or in the bed, or with my own sons and daughters. When I was
a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child . . .
(1 Corinthians 13:11).

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