When logic fails — the gift of experience

Good morning. followed a plan of

action that sounded
I’m pleased to be here really good in our
with you today to share heads.
my thoughts and
experiences about the There was one
values and pitfalls of problem – when the
logic. logical solution was
applied to real life, it
…and lots of other just didn’t work very
things. well.

As you have heard, I We have an idea

am by profession a
psychotherapist, coach,
psychodramatist and
educator.
I design and facilitate safe experiences
for people want to solve problems,
heal, learn, make decisions or change.
I am here to talk about the immense
value of experience in our lives and
how it fits with logic and intellect.
Typically, when we speak of problem, it
is suggested that we think and talk
about the problem and apply logic to
solve it.
Here are the usual kinds of advice that
people give when someone is
struggling with a dilemma, decision or
problem:
• Think before you speak.
• Think it through.
• Think out of the box.
Now, thinking is a good thing. We can
remember times when we have used
our brains. We made lists of pros and
cons about a certain decision and
about how
wonderful it would
be to go on this
vacation or have
that girlfriend or
purchase this great new outfit.
That’s the logical mind speaking. We
can have lots of reasons to back up the
rightness of our desires.
In my own life, I’ve had the
opportunity to learn and relearn this
concept many times, most recently
with the purchase of lovely old
Victorian house that I now use for my
holistic health center.
I had lots of really good reasons for
this purchase:
• A good real estate investment.
• A contribution to the growth and
revitalization of the city’s business
sector.
• Remodeling appreciating a lovely
old building.
• And on and on.
But the experience of owning a
business building was quite different
than the reasoning.
What I discovered was that owning a
business building while practicing my
occupation was like having two careers
– much too much for middle-aged lady
who also enjoys volunteering for her
church and spending time with friends
and wanting to simplify her life – and a
spouse who wants to see her now and
then.
So, that lovely old building is for sale.
That brings me to another old piece of
advice:
Be careful what you pray for.
It seems that many times when we get
what we’ve been wanting, the
experience we receive is quite
different.
A loyalty to logic presumes that we
have control over our world. It
further presumes that we can
predict everything that will
happen:
Such as: 2 + 2 = 4.
However, the life is not logical.
For instance:
• How is it that a woman claims to be
a loving and caring mother buys
heroin with her son, teaches him
how to use the heroin and uses the
drug with him.
• How is it that a man says he wants
to be healthy but eats a double
cheese pizza every day followed
with a chaser of three doughnuts, a
bag of cheese curds and a glass of
beer?
• How is it that a woman is terribly
abused but does not leave her
spouse – even when financial help
and refuge is offered?
When we ponder these questions, we
see that there are limits to logic, just
like there are limits to our control over
the word.
For some people, the logic of the
solution – follow me on this – lays in
other kinds of advice:
• Follow your heart.
• Listen to your gut.
• Go with the flow.
But this advice is bare of real content
and direction during the decision-
making process, especially one that will
have repercussions for a long time to
come.
So…
What does it mean to follow your
heart?
And how do we separate what we
“want” from what is really “right” for us
– if there is anything that is really right
for us.
Does it mean that we follow the
anthem of the 1960s -- if it feels
good, do it?
• Well, we might know a teenager
who just got pregnant because sex
“felt good” but who will have to deal
with the very real consequences of
tending to an actual needy and
noisy infant.
• Or an alcoholic or drug addict who
said that first drink or drug felt good
 but now the eighth drink and ninth
drug spiraled to compulsive and
out-of-control behavior.
• Or on and on—maybe you have a
story like this.
As I see it, the truth is:
We need to actively value both feelings
AND thoughts.
One of the reasons that I was originally
drawn to the denomination of the
Unitarian Universalist church d is the
statement that follows the U.U.
principles. It notes the many sources of
our beliefs, including the value of
experience as a source of faith.
I quote:
“Direct experience of that transcending
mystery and wonder, affirmed in all
cultures, which moves us to a renewal
of the spirit and an openness to the
forces which create and uphold life.”
We need both and we are meant to use
both.
The truth is:
• Logic is important and good. It is a
gift.
• But experience is necessary. It is a
gift.
A short lesson in brain science:
We have a complicated brain with a
number of parts that have specific
jobs. And our brain has two
hemispheres, the right brain and the
left brain.
The left brain is the logical side of the
self.
Logic examines general forms that
arguments may take, which forms are
valid, and which are fallacies. It is one
kind of critical thinking. It is the part of
the brain that puts words together,
allowing me to speak and you to listen
and make sense of what I am saying.
The right brain is focused on emotions,
intuition and sensory experience.
Your right brain loves colors and
textures and pink, purple and red –
with sparkles and fringe, even if it
doesn’t match! And together! Your
right brain loves the candles flickering
on this altar and the basket of flowers,
too. It is the storehouse of feelings,
and feelings are not logical — they just
are.
And if you think that you can explain
your feelings through logic, then you
might be rationalizing and denying – or
just making stuff up!
The logic and intuition of our brains is
meant to swing back and forth so that
we are able to constantly switch
between these two valuable ways of
being in the world.
Here’s another interesting tidbit:
We also know that experiences change
our brain.
In trauma studies, for instance,
scientists have actually been able to
monitor how there are cellular changes
within the brain when the person
experiences a trauma such as abuse,
combat or another horrifying event.
However, there’s other good news:
People who are survivors of trauma can
heal when their brains change. This
means that extremely painful or scary
experiences can change the brain for
the worse and that positive experiences
can change the brain for the better.
This is called healing.
Long before I was a psychotherapist, I
decided it was never too late to have a
happy childhood.
A personal experience:
I never attended my high school prom.
I was too nerdy, too shy and too
lacking in social skills to enjoy this
highlight milestone of high school.
Later, when I was in my 30s, I had the
good luck to be a newspaper reporter
and editor. I wanted to give myself this
missed experience and decided to
assign myself to attend a local high
school prom and write about it.
I had girlfriends who went “prom
dress” shopping with me, giggling and
waiting patiently as I finally picked a
filmy gown with a peach colored sash
and pearl buttons.
I found an adventurous male friend
who agreed to be my date.
I had friends who lent their house for
the big date and clapped as I
descended down the staircase and –
YES! – took pictures of me and my
date posing in front of the fireplace
before we left for our big date.
It was a wonderful evening and I love
and treasure my wonderful memories
that I hold within me today, more than
20 years later.
Another truth is that I can give you a
lot of information about a lot of things
– that’s the left brain speaking—but it
is the experience that you create that
deepens the learning and growth.
For instance, I can talk for an hour
about the challenges of change and we
might admit that change is often
difficult and scary -- although
sometimes exhilarating and necessary.
But we will have an experience in a
moment that will allow you to
experience change that will lead to
understanding yourself and an idea
much more deeply than I can ever
explain.
So, let’s have a simple experience
relating to change.
First, let’s give attention to our hands
on our laps. Without looking, interlace
the fingers on your right hand with the
fingers on your left hand.
Good. Now take a moment to glance at
your hands and notice how your hands
look, how your fingers are laced and
where your thumbs are placed.
Notice if your right thumb is placed
over your left thumb – or vice versa.
It’s OK – whatever way your thumbs
have intersected is just fine. We just
want to notice what happens and we
want to notice how this feels.
Now, slowly and with awareness, lift
the thumb that’s on the top.
Move your other thumb to allow the top
thumb to go underneath and then put
the remaining thumb on top.
Now, let’s take a moment to notice
what your experience is like.
• Odd?
• Strange?
• Different?
• Uncomfortable?
• Awkward?
• Or something else?
This is an experience – admittedly a
very simple experience – about
change. Notice that one way is not
right and the other way is not wrong.
They are just different.
And in just a few minutes you have an
experience about change that goes
much more deeply into your being than
I could ever explain, even if I talked
about change for the next twelve days.
Now, we also want to notice what
you DO with the experience.
Do you decide, without thinking very
hard, that the second way is much too
difficult and that you want to quickly
return to the old comfortable way?
Do you notice that you are intrigued by
the difference of the two experiences
and start overlapping your thumbs in
various configurations to learn more
about how this feels?
Are you able to consider that change
involves some level of discomfort and
are you willing to figure out how to
tolerate the discomfort while you are
approaching or in the midst of change?
Notice that the experience comes first.
Once we have the experience, we can
begin to find the context about how the
experience fits in our lives.
Now, there is a little bit of caution
here. Sometimes we interpret an
experience that is not to our benefit. In
other words, the story that we made
An example:
I know a woman who lived in a small
town and decided to leave the town
and her family to move across five
states to find a good job in a big city.
Her family was important to her. She
tried to stay in touch with her family
who lived more than 500 miles away,
but it wasn’t easy to make that long
drive on a regular basis. She always
was the one to visit and very few
members of her family traveled to visit
her.
She came to the conclusion that they
didn’t care about her and that their
lives and families were more important
than her and her family. Many years
passed, and her contact with them
diminished to the bare minimum –
exchanging holiday card at Christmas
with just a brief signature at the
bottom of the card.
But I saw a different conclusion, a
different story.
She was the adventurous one – the
one who bravely left home and hearth
for a new life in a strange town. The
ones who were left behind were hardly
adventurous at all. They preferred to
play it safe and stay in their
hometown, even though opportunities
were very limited.
The truth is the woman loved her
family members and missed them.
Rather than “experiencing” the sadness
and the yearning to connect more with
her family, she quickly made up a story
that they were self-centered and too
interested in their own lives to pay
attention to her.
Now that’s just MY story.
The notion that experience is important
bodes well at any time of year, but I
believe that it is especially important
during the holiday season.
(I hope you made that logical leap with
me!)
This is the time of year when we often
feel overwhelmed with all the demands
of the holiday. It happens that many
people face the holidays with dread,
disgust, fear or worse – or a
combination of the above.
Yes, we need to think about this. But
we also need to marry our thoughts
and plans with the context, feelings
and gifts of experience.
The logical question that I have
learned to ask myself is:
“What kind of meaningful experiences
can I create at this time of year for
myself and those I love?”
If I want to experience joy, I strive to
give myself opportunities to put myself
in situations where I will find joy –
taking part in activities that are
fulfilling and enjoyable and spending
time with people that are healthy,
warm and positive.
Although not every experience during
the season can fit that assignment, my
intention is that most of my decisions
will lead to good experiences.
The experience lives within me.
I carry those good experiences
wherever I go, just like I hold the
memory of my prom date.
Furthermore, I can revisit those
experiences within myself that are
warm and comforting – no matter what
time of year they took place.
So today, I wish you good experiences:
Experiences that will build warm
feelings and good memories.
I also wish that we can value the gifts
we contain within ourselves:
• The brain – which thinks and
reasons – is a gift.
• And the body – which senses
and holds much unconscious
material – is also a gift.
Perhaps you are remembering a good
moment, a moment of joy that you
treasure that makes you smile.
Or a moment of logic that failed and
gave you a great and important
learning.
Or your own discovery how your brain
and emotions have successfully worked
together.
That’s good.
Thanks for listening. Thanks for
thinking, and thanks for feeling.
Karen Carnabucci, MSS, LCSW, TEP,
was invited to give this sermon to
the Olympia Brown
Unitarian
Universalist Church,
Racine, Wis., on
Dec. 5, 2009.
For more about the
church, see
www.obuuc.org. For
more about Karen,
see her Web site at
www.lakehousecenter.com.