A Service of Dr. Val Karan - 558 Anderson Avenue - Cliffside Park, New Jersey 07010 - (201) 943-2726 - Karan4U@aol.
com - September, 2004
KARAN 4U NEWSLETTER
About Irritable Male Syndrome
Dear Clients, friends, and relatives,
Some of you may think I'm kidding, but I'm afraid I might
become an opinionated, crotchety codger.
Oh, sure, I think I still have my warm and cuddly side;
but somehow, like many other men, I find myself becoming
a grouchy old geezer.
This change to fogyism seems to creep up on a person
of my age just as my ability to remember seems to slide
down. My long-term memory seems to become clearer,
but ask me to remember what happened 10 minutes ago
and fog sets in. Testosterone levels take a header in men
my age which can spike what psychologist Jed Diamond
has termed the Irritable Male Syndrome. Diamond
estimates that 80% of his patients suffer from the
syndrome.
In my life, with the exception of maybe one uncle, the
men who lived into their sixties and beyond were really
crank pots. I loved them dearly, but my two grandfathers,
Ray Cohen and Abraham Nosofsky, who lived to fairly ripe
old ages, were truly Grumpas to me. Most of the time they
were bedridden invalids who were never fun to be with. My
father, of blessed memory, died in his early fifties of his
third heart attack while he was still managing a food store;
but I'm afraid, like my Uncle Morris who was in the same
type of business, he, too, would have aged into a retired
grocer and grouser. Only my Uncle Harry, who retired
early and settled in Israel with my Aunt Jesse, seems to
have escaped the curmudgeon curse: he started a second
career as pioneering community leader in Netanya until his
death.
There are those who may scoff and say, Q: What do
you call a man who is always tired, miserable and irritable?
A: Normal. Alright, I’ll grant you that in many ways we men
are the weaker sex: males with only one X and a very small
matching chromosome, the Y, are more susceptible to
problems than are females. We suffer more genetic
problems than females such as color blindness, one of my
own disabilities. From the moment of conception males are
more fragile and vulnerable than females. Male fetuses die
more often than female. So do old men.
I have come to the conclusion that while biochemical
factors such as hormones and genes might lead to
irritability, the process of retiring can really tee off a guy.
For men especially, psychological research has shown that
retirement can actually lead to depression, low morale, and
unhappiness. This is particularly true for athletes who have
had celebrity status. Pick a sport -- any sport for that
matter -- and it is easier to find 10 athletes who failed to
make postretirement life meaningful than 10 who instantly
thrived.
In my professional life over the years, I have treated
patients who suffered, among other things, from
retirement stress. Whether desired or forced, retirement
significantly affects adjustment. With less structure and
fewer regulations to guide them, these clients -- often
men who have held high level positions in law
enforcement or business—fall into a tailspin of irritability,
uselessness and meandering for things to do. When they
stop making a living, they don’t know how to start living.
They wind up existing through or for others but hardly for
themselves.
And here I am, after 36 years working as school
psychologist for the Fort Lee District, twiddling in my
mind, "To retire or not to retire, that is the question." Over
the last few years, due mainly to retirements, the school
system in general and my department in particular have
had major changes in personnel. Isn't it time for me to
quit, too?
About Schmidt
When I think about the risk of Irritable Male Syndrome,
I can't help but think of the movie About Schmidt starring
Jack Nicholson which came out in 2002. If you haven't
seen the movie, I heartily advise treating yourself to the
video. Some might find it depressing, melancholy, or
vulgar; but I believe it is a tale for the ages, especially my
age.
In About Schmidt, Jack Nicholson actually has a
small speaking part. Yet his facial expressions and
demeanor transmit volumes about a man who has spent
his entire career as an insurance actuarial for one
company. What does he get for all his efforts? Does this
life expectancy expert get the acclaim or respect he
expected?
About Schmidt is about a man who finds that all that
he has worked for is suddenly superfluous. His
replacement, a young MBA graduate, has no need for
Schmidt's actuarial products and unceremoniously dumps
them in the garbage. Schmidt wanted to be someone
special; but once he dies and all those who knew him die,
how will anyone ever know he even existed? This is the
quintessential formula for irritable male syndrome, and
the always prickly performer Nicholson is superb in the
role.
I won't spoil About Schmidt by giving away the ending
but the title itself presages that the Nicholson character
A Service of Dr. Val Karan - 558 Anderson Avenue - Cliffside Park, New Jersey 07010 - (201) 943-2726 - September 2004 -
remains the object of a preposition (hence, the word
“about”) rather then a full-fledged subject, a passive
reactor rather then a star in his own life.
The Phases of Retiring and Reconnecting
For those who remain in good health -- both
physically and financially -- retirement can be a time of
enjoyment and self renewal rather than Irritable Male
Syndrome. There will first be a “Honey Moon phase”
when the retiree experiences the relief and release of
being his or her own boss at last, not answerable to
anyone else’s schedule or rules. But this should lead to
a “Testing New Waters Phase” when finding
reemployment or involving oneself in some meaningful
pursuit with pets or people, especially young people, is
essential for the psychological well-being of successful
retirees. Finally, there should be “The Second Wind
Phase” with the opening of a larger world and the
discovery of new and interesting adventures to pursue.
I have come to realize that fighting the irritable male
syndrome takes effort and planning. Other cultures
respect elders more and have rites of passage for men
that help define their purpose. In our society, everyone
is on their own when it comes to defining themselves as
something other than their job titles and searching for a
purpose that comes from within.
So if you, like me, are in the planning process of
retiring, I definitely recommend, as the New Jersey
Education Association recommends, that you consult
with experts to discuss retirement options. Retirement
can be a confusing time and you need to make the right
financial decisions.
If you don’t want to become an irritable male,
retirement is the time for new or renewed connections in
three directions. The first has to do with your
Significant Other Connection. True, more couples are
divorcing after decades of marriage; but as aging
parents die and children get older and move out, the
bond of matrimony can reconnect and become stronger.
Sure, she may complain, “he’s more of a nag and
interloper,” and he may grumble to himself, “she looks
like her mother or, worse, my grandmother;” plus there
is the tendency for displaced frustration and
powerlessness felt in dealing with parents, siblings, or
offspring to transfer to a spouse. But as couples move
through life, experiencing its unavoidable losses and
uplifting highs, the husband and wife are actually
increasing their shared history, companionship, and
mutual caring. This strengthens the union and adds to
staying power.
Another direction that should not be overlooked in
retirement age is the Interspecies Connection. Over
140 years ago, Florence Nightingale herself wrote how
a pet animal is often an excellent companion for
elderly. As someone said, “You can say any foolish
thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that
says, ‘My G-d, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of
that!’” Even my Aunt Jesse, now in her nineties, enjoys
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the sweet company of several parakeets who serenade
her daily.
If possible, there is no substitute for the lift that an
old geezer can get from being with children. This is the
third or Intergenerational Connection. I’ll let you in on
a little secret: Warren Schmidt does have one saving
grace. It seems that Warren, through a famine relief
organization, connected with a Tanzanian orphan boy of
six years old whom he sponsored for $22 a month.
Through the exchange of letters with this six-year-old
boy, Warren Schmidt will come to realize that perhaps
his life has meant something to someone even though
his relationships with those closest to him are damaged.
Research has shown that seniors can benefit, both
as givers and as receivers, from intergenerational
activities in their families or communities. I know
personally that cavorting with little people ratchets down
irritability—which is why I may not retire from my school
psychology job after all. I have two grandsons, Doni and
Yonah, who are already in the four to seven year age
range when children are at their most excited, verbal,
and curious selves There is also their two-year-old
brother, Raanan, chomping at the bit to be like his older
b r o t h e r s .
Moreover, my son
Edward and
daughter-in-law
Nancy are
expecting their first
child in November.
Doni is a 7-year-
old, fast talking, fast
eating, exuberant
and athletic
MONA YONAH ZISA
cherub. Sweet
(Zisa in Yiddish) Yonah is a 4-year-old inscrutable
philosopher who takes life at a slower, more tentative
pace so he has time to throw us curve balls such as,
“when I grow up I have to marry somebody and I want
to be inside a zoo. What if I marry somebody inside the
zoo and what if nobody comes to the wedding?"
Retirement does not mean that there won't be
fumbles and bumbles along the way as well as
grouching and grousing. But as Einstein said, “People
do not grow old no matter how long we live...[We] never
cease to stand like curious children before the great
mystery into which we were born.” The world of
retirement may, indeed, be a blessed second childhood,
a chance to explore new opportunities, new
connections, and to take some new risks. I leave you
with best wishes for a Happy and Healthy New Year. I
also leave you with unanswered questions about
Schmidt and about my retirement plans while I ponder
the more fundamental problem, namely, can I wear just
black tie for a zoo wedding or do I have to wear top hat
and tails?
SHANA TOVAH!