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4D Relationships

For the past several months, Ive been putting a lot of time and energy
into exploring 3D relationships with men and women as well as 4D
relationships with women. My Meeting in Person page makes it easy for
people to decide how compatible were likely to be if we ever meet face to
As a quick summary in our human relationships we have 4 basic ways of
connecting with each other:
physically (body)
mentally (mind)
emotionally (heart)
purposefully (spirit)
A 3D connection means that were connecting strongly in 3 of these areas.
A 4D connection means were connecting in all 4 aspects.
Holistic Connections
A 4D relationship is more than just the sum of its parts because theres a
synergistic effect when you connect with someone across multiple areas.
For instance, a strong emotional (heart) connection can greatly improve
communication (mind) as well as physical intimacy (body).
Ive been impressed by the depth of relating that becomes possible with
3D and 4D connections. Communication is smooth and authentic. People
lower their shields and share their true selves. Trust is high. Ideas are
shared openly and magnified. Actions flow with less effort. Sex is better
One reason that some friends and I were able to create a new audio
program in only 3 days last week (9-10 hours of very powerful content) is
that we have 3D friendships (mind, heart, spirit). We share ideas with
each other, including masterminding together for a full day earlier this
year in Oslo. We share our concerns, our hopes, our failures, and our
successes. We support and encourage each other to live empowered lives,
to grow, to inspire others, and to serve the greater good.
Consequently, we worked very well together as a team, and we continue
to do so as we prepare to launch our new audio program. Weve had a
fairly easy time making decisions by consensus where Ive seen other
teams fall into extended debate. I think weve done a good job of setting
aside our individual egos and putting the best interests of the team, the
project, and the value we wish to share first.
I really enjoy collaborative projects. Seeing someone as above or below
me in some kind of hierarchy or command structure doesnt feel good to
me. Theres a special flow that arises when everyone on a team is on
equal footing. If the relationships between team members are strong,
synergy is high. When the relationships break down or weaken, falling
back on a command-based structure cant quite make up for the reduction
in trust and flow. Such a team can still have a leader or manager, but
people will only truly give their best efforts to support team members they
genuinely like and respect, and fairness is essential to that dynamic.
To create more authentic 3D relationships in my life, the #1 key was to
say no to partial matches. Those 1D and 2D connections can be oh-so-
tempting to accept, but when I kept allowing them in, I wasnt able to
create enough space for the 3D connections to show up. This is typical of
many personal growth challenges. We dont get the golden prize until we
stop chasing fools gold. Look how shiny it is! Its close to real gold. Maybe
it will eventually become real gold. Theres always hope, right?
How many people still show up at jobs they dislike, waiting for something
better to come along? When they finally quit, thats when the new
opportunity finally comes through. Getting clingy with partial matches is a
surefire recipe for stuckness.
Most of my 3D relationships are with other men, but Im gradually
developing more of these relationships with women too. An example
would be Shereen Faltas. She and I first connected earlier this year and
spent some time getting to know each other in Vegas and L.A. Weve had
some fascinating conversations together (mind), compared notes on some
similar emotionally challenging situations we recently went through
(heart), and since we love the idea of helping people wake up from the
doldrums of corporate employment, well be sharing the stage together at
her upcoming event in L.A. called Awaken the Rebel: Live! (spirit).
4D Relationships
Even more intense than 3D relationships are the 4D ones. This means
adding physical intimacy into the mix, along with cultivating strong
mental, emotional, and spiritual connections.
This year Ive only had the chance to explore a few 4D relationships, with
varying degrees of depth and duration. They require more compatibility
than 3D relationships, so in that sense it can be more challenging to find a
solid match.
One of these 4D relationships is with my girlfriend Rachelle.
Physically Rachelle is as much of a cuddleslut as I am. When were
together we love to touch and hold each other and share affection freely.
We usually cuddle and make out several times per day. Sexually were as
compatible as two people can get. We know how to turn each other on
with ease, and we love to tease each other and play with the flow of
sexual and emotional energy between us. Were both very sex-positive
people and enjoy the delightful pleasures of our physical connection
without shame, fear, or guilt. We also enjoy playing with other partners
now and then who have similar attitudes.
Mentally we enjoy deep conversations and extensive common interests.
Were both long-term vegans. We value service and creative self-
expression more than money. We love to travel. We love exploring new
museums together, going to plays, and taking long walks. We both have a
quirky sense of humor and play together in the silliest ways sometimes.
We like the same types of music and movies. We can be just as
comfortable playing introverts as we are playing extroverts. We love
sharing new learning and growth experiences together. Rachelle is my
best friend, and I am hers, and we love and cherish that friendship.
Emotionally were deeply in love with each other. We share our feelings
openly and freely, even when it brings tears to our eyes. We frequently
tell each other how lucky we feel to be in each others lives. We gush
appreciation and gratitude for our relationship. We avoid the trap of taking
each other for granted. We emotionally comfort, support, encourage, and
uplift each other. The abundance of love and warmth that flows through
our relationship is just amazing. Simply thinking of Rachelle makes me
feel very loved. Even when were in different cities, we frequently send
loving reminders to each other.
Spiritually Rachelle and I came together to help each other explore a
powerful and challenging path of growth. We both wanted to stretch
ourselves by exploring an open relationship. We wanted to explore our
sexuality in some very non-vanilla ways. We wanted to open our hearts
and share all aspects of ourselves without holding back. We willingly
entered into a long-distance relationship, whereby were together about 6-
7 months out of each year and in different cities the rest of the time. We
wanted to explore more of the world together. We had a strong shared
purpose in coming together.
After almost 4 years in a relationship together, I feel more in love with
Rachelle than ever.
Despite the long-distance aspect and the growth challenges we take on
together, my relationship with Rachelle feels effortless. It flows so easily
and naturally. I think one reason is that we both held out for what we
wanted instead of settling for something else, so when we first got
together, it was one of those you had me at hello situations. We let
ourselves fall in love together with grace, ease, and lightness. We enjoy
each other immensely.
One strength of our relationship is that Rachelle and I have a high
capacity for forgiveness. One of us will occasionally frustrate the other,
but its generally easy for us to let go of negative emotions and get back
to love. One reason is that we enjoy each others touch so much that if we
ever feel tempted to punish each other, we also have to deprive
ourselves of what we most enjoy, so that doesnt last very long. Its pretty
difficult for us to feel frustrated with each other when we simply let go and
cuddle. In that sense you could say were positively addicted to being in
love with each other; its like a gravity well we cant escape. Additionally,
spending time apart, sometimes as much as 2-3 months at a stretch,
always gives us the opportunity to miss each other and to long for each
others company again.
Is our relationship perfect? As exaggerated as this may sound, Id have to
say yes, it is. More accurately, its perfect for me. The love and the depth
of connection we share is so strong and bright that I genuinely feel that
what I most desire in this part of my life is exactly what Im experiencing.
Our relationship has its share of challenges, but since I accept those
challenges instead of resisting them, the challenges just enhance the
beauty of our connection. I have what I want here, and I love it!
4D Relationships and Growth
Since sharing growth experiences is a big part of our relationship path,
Rachelle and I decided to stretch ourselves next month by doing
something weve never done before.
Well both be speaking at our friend Johnnys
annual Successfulness workshop in Vegas. That by itself is something
weve both done before. But this time were going to speak together about
something weve never shared publicly before, which is the D/s
play aspect of our relationship. This includes demoing some of the things
we do to increase the emotional, sensual, and sexual intensity of our
In a long-term relationship, theres a tendency for intimacy to increase
while intensity diminishes. To avoid that situation, Rachelle and I put a lot
of energy into keeping the intensity of our connection high. We do specific
things to renew and intensify the feelings we have for each other pretty
much every day, even when were in different cities. We dont allow our
connection to become too boring or routine. Were always spiking the
energy back up. And since weve been together for almost 4 years, weve
become very good at this.
Until now this has always been a private part of our relationship, not
something we normally do in front of other people, except occasionally in
a silly or playful way around close friends. Otherwise weve never shared
this part of our connection in front of an audience before. Doing so will
likely be an emotionally intense experience for us and possibly for the
other people in the room as well.
Additionally, were not planning on pre-scripting what we share, so well
be sharing and demonstrating whatever arises from spontaneous
inspiration in the moment.
The reasons we want to lean into this experience are varied and complex,
but the main reason is that we feel this would take us to the edge of our
comfort zones and possibly beyond. We want to explore that edge
together. Sharing these kinds of growth experiences is one of the reasons
were in each others lives.
Id also like to encourage and challenge others not to ignore the intensity
aspect of their relationships. Long-term intimacy is beautiful, but keeping
the passion and intensity alive can make the connection even stronger.
A 4D relationship isnt static, and its not always comfortable. When you
really connect with someone in this fashion, youll surely be leaning into
new growth experiences, some of which may surprise you.
Multiple 4D Relationships
Let me also share some thoughts about another edge of my comfort zone
in this particular area.
Up to this point, when Ive explored other 4D connections, these
explorations usually happened while Rachelle and I were in different cities
and with women who lived outside of Las Vegas. Because of this, the
physical aspect of these other connections has been temporary; it lasts
while were in the same cities, and after that we have the option to stay in
touch online and to reconnect in person again when we happen to be in
the same city.
Consider this the 4D version of the 100-mile rule, which is a rule that
some people in open relationships use. It means that you can connect
with other people as long as you and your primary partner are at least
100 miles apart.
But as I keep leaning in this direction, its predictable that eventually the
streams will cross.
On the one hand, exploring multiple 4D connections in the same place at
the same time is exciting. But its also outside of my comfort zone. Ive
never done it before. I cant predict how it will turn out.
The growth-oriented part of me really wants to lean into this. It seems like
a significant mental, emotional, and social challenge. Theres a lot that
could go wrong.
The comfort-oriented part of me wants to be lazy and just relax into the
security of my wonderful-as-is relationship with Rachelle and not
complicate things.
In the end Ill choose the path of growth because its what I always do.
Its why Im here.
Rachelle knows this about me. Its one of the things she loves about me.
She knows Ill keep leaning into new growth experiences and wont allow
myself to settle for comfort and security. And she knows I want to share
that journey with her. I feel very lucky to have her in my life. Not many
women could handle being in a relationship with someone who lives the
way I do.
Finding women interested in exploring 4D connections together actually
hasnt been that difficult. They tend to just show up in my life
spontaneously, and I expect that to continue. But what woman has the
courage to delve into this while Rachelle is physically present too? I dont
know, but Id love to meet her. So would Rachelle.
Perhaps what I find most appealing about 4D connections is that theyre
intensely transformational. Its impossible to explore such a connection
with someone and not emerge a different person from it. Since I love
growth experiences, Im drawn to explore 4D connections like a moth to a
flame, partly because of this transformational effect. When I connect
deeply and intimately with another person, I feel awake, alive, and aware
like never before.
Wheres the edge of your comfort zone in relationships? Do you see value
in leaning into that edge? Or would you prefer to play it safe?