“My Hero Worship”

Written by Mike Stanzione

FADE IN:

1 INT. COLD OPEN, CAFETERIA – DAY

(J.D., Turk, Elliot, Carla, Todd, Janitor, Nurse, Patient)

John “J.D.” DORIAN, a goofy but likable doctor, CHRIS TURK,

J.D.’s best and equally goofy surgeon friend, ELLIOT REID,
a neurotic female doctor, and CARLA TURK, a Latina
nurse and Turk’s wife, are sitting at a cafeteria table
eating lunch. J.D. seems to be deep in thought.

J.D. (V.O.)
Today seemed like it would be like
any other day at the hospital. But
that was before I had one of my best
ideas ever.

J.D.
I think we need our own theme music.

CARLA
Do you even hear yourself talk
sometimes?

J.D.
No seriously, just imagine it.

CUT TO:
2 INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY – DAY

The hallway of the hospital is dark and shadowy, as if it

were a movie set. Papers blow across the floor when
suddenly beeping is heard off screen. Suddenly a NURSE
runs out from a patient’s room.

NURSE
Can somebody get me a doctor?!?!

Suddenly, dramatic, heroic music begins to play and a door

is kicked down. J.D., Turk, Elliot, and Carla emerge from
the cloud of dust that rises up. The four are dressed as
if they are super heroes, and their actions are completely
exaggerated.

J.D.
Did somebody call a doctor?
 NURSE
I thought you guys would never come!

TURK
What seems to be the problem?

NURSE
The patient in room 121 is coding.
Hurry!!

The four “whoosh” into the room and begin to work on the
PATIENT. Their apparent super powers allow them to work
even faster, as Elliot is able to intubate the patient with
little effort, and somehow J.D.’s hands can work as a
defibrillator. He places his hands on the patient’s chest.

J.D.
CLEAR!!

With one shot he is able to zap the patient back to life.

The patient sits up, and happens to be a stunningly
beautiful woman who feels completely indebted to her
saviors.

PATIENT
How could I ever repay you?

J.D.
Just doing our jobs, ma’am.

Suddenly Turk’s beeper goes off as if they are being called

to another case.

TURK
Duty calls. Come on, J.D.

CUT TO:

3 INT. CAFETERIA – CONTINUOUS

BACK TO REALITY. The four are still sitting at the table.

Turk’s beeper is going off as J.D. comes down from his
fantasy.

TURK
Come on, J.D., snap out of it.
 J.D.
We’d be…super docs!

TURK
I like where this is going, but I
have to get to surgery.

J.D.
You’d be Super Chocolate Bear.

ELLIOT
You two are idiots.

TURK
Don’t listen to her, J.D. I love
it. But I’ve gotta run!

As Turk gets up to leave, TODD, another surgeon who is

jockish and immature, ENTERS by running through the
cafeteria on his way to the same surgery.

TODD
Ready to get your slice and dice
on?

TURK
I was born ready, KNOW WHAT I’M
SAYIN’??

Todd hi-fives Turk, and THEY EXIT.

J.D.
(SINGING)
“Here they come, Super Docs to
the rescue!”

CARLA
Come on, Elliot, let’s get out of
here.

CARLA AND ELLIOT EXIT.

J.D.
You know, it really isn’t that
bad of an idea! Work with me here!
THE JANITOR, J.D.’s arch-nemesis, is shown in the seat
behind J.D. Apparently he was sitting there the entire
time. He turns to J.D.

JANITOR
Of course it’s a bad idea. You came
up with it.

J.D.
(SINGING)
“Oh no, here comes the Jan-i-tor!”

JANITOR
No. That’s stupid.

The Janitor gets up and begins to EXIT, leaving J.D. by

himself. He hums his imaginary theme song to himself and
dances a bit. END OF COLD OPEN.

CUT TO:
OPENING SEQUENCE
 ACT ONE

FADE IN:

4 INT. HOSPITAL LOBBY – DAY

(J.D., Turk, Nurse, Carla, Dr. Cox, Dr. Kelso)

J.D. and Turk ENTER the hospital and begin walking down the
hall.

J.D. (V.O.)
Today seemed like it would be like
every other day here at Sacred Heart.

TURK
Doesn’t today seem like it will be
like every other day at Sacred Heart?

J.D. (V.O.)
Okay, so that was a little weird.

J.D. shakes his head as if to get himself back on track.

J.D. (V.O.)
Anyway, life at Sacred Heart has felt
pretty routine lately. Even though
we save lives every day, sometimes
it seems like nothing exciting ever
happens here.

With that thought, the two come upon a large CROWD of

hospital staff.

5 INT. NURSE’S STATION – CONTINUOUS

TURK
I think something exciting is
happening.

J.D. (V.O.)
Is he listening to my thoughts?
Maybe we really DO spend too much
time together.

J.D.
What’s going on here?
 NURSE
Some celebrity just got admitted.

J.D. and Turk freeze in excitement.

TURK
Celebrity?

J.D.
I hope it’s not David Hasselhoff.
The Hoff isn’t supposed to get sick.
Did K.I.T.T. crash?? I never trusted
that car.

NURSE
No, it’s not Hasselhoff. I think
somebody said that it’s Hugh Jackman.

Suddenly, everybody freezes. We hear a RECORD SCRATCHING

to coincide with everything stopping.

J.D.
I’m sorry, did you say Hugh Jackman?

NURSE
I believe I did.

TURK
The movie star?

NURSE
Yes.

J.D.
Wolverine?

NURSE
Yes…

J.D. and Turk pause for a second, then look at each other.
After a beat they begin screaming and jumping up and down
together. After a few seconds, Carla emerges through the
crowd, carrying a chart.

CARLA
I don’t mean to interrupt your moment.
(MORE)
 CARLA (CONT’D)
But did you see who they assigned to
to him?

The two stop dancing together and push themselves apart,

trying to act manly in an attempt to save face. They
mumble incoherently about things such as sports and
hunting. They regain their composure.

J.D.
Please tell me I get to treat
Wolverine.

CARLA
No, it’s not you, Bambi.

TURK
It’s not Elliot, is it?

CARLA
No, actually it’s…

Carla’s sentence is cut off by the sound of DR. PERRY COX’s

trademark whistle. He is an imposing figure who commands
the respect of everybody in the hospital. He angrily
fights his way through the crowd and approaches Carla.

DR. COX
Can somebody tell me why I have the
have the misfortune of treating Hugh
Jackman, the one person I hate more
than anything in the world?

J.D.
He can’t be THAT bad, can he?

DR. COX
Listen up, Darla, you should know as
well as anybody here that Hugh Jackman
is more irritating than anything else
I could possibly think of. And this
includes people who leave their blinker
on for miles, Dane Cook, people who wear
shorts over their pants, the Fox News
Channel, that guy with all the question
marks on his suit, little dogs in
(MORE)
 DR. COX (CONT’D)
Sweaters, people who play with my hair…
Hell,Newbie, I’d rather spend
my day on a retreat with you than
have to spend one agonizing minute
alone with him.

J.D.
We’d make kaleidoscopes out of
paper towel rolls!

DR. COX
(WHISTLES AGAIN FOR SILENCE)
For the love of God, Newbie, I
don’t even find you half as irritating
as Hugh Jackman. I don’t think
there is anybody worse than him.

As if on cue, DR. BOB KELSO, the cantankerous chief of

medicine and proverbial thorn in Dr. Cox’s side, ENTERS.

DR. COX
Okay, it’s at least a close race.

DR. KELSO
Ah, good morning, Perry!

DR. COX
Blow it out your ass, Bob. I’m not
in the mood right now.

DR. KELSO
Charming as always I see. Have you
had a chance to meet with your new
patient?

DR. COX
Tell me something, Bob – why does
it have to be me? There are
literally DOZENS of other doctors
here.

DR. KELSO
Come on, Perry, you know we have
a rotation system in place here.
(MORE)
 DR. KELSO (CONT’D)
Plus you know as well as I do that
a patient of his status can generate
a lot of publicity for the hospital.

DR. COX
And didn’t it occur to you that I
hate him more than anything else?
More than you, even?

DR. KELSO
That was the deciding factor.

As the look of fire begins to form in Dr. Cox’s eyes,

TURK AND CARLA EXIT QUICKLY, sensing something bad is
about to happen. J.D. is more or less stranded there.

DR. COX
Look, Bob, if you really decided
to give me a patient because you
know how much I despise him, let
me tell you somethi—

DR. KELSO
Perry, what has two thumbs and
STILL doesn’t give a crap?
(POINTS TO HIMSELF)
Bob Kelso! I believe we’ve
met before. I suggest you meet
with your patient.

DR. KELSO EXITS, leaving J.D. alone with a furious Dr.

Cox.

J.D.
You know…

Dr. Cox grunts in frustration and EXITS, bumping into

J.D.’s shoulder on his way out.

J.D.
I never see that coming.

J.D. EXITS, holding his shoulder.

6 INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY

(Carla, Hugh Jackman, Turk, J.D., Janitor)
Carla is in Hugh Jackman’s room, getting information. He
is lying in bed, dressed in a traditional hospital gown.
Carla does not seemed fazed at all by his celebrity as she
fills out his chart.

CARLA
So you were rehearsing for a play
when it happened?

JACKMAN
Out of nowhere. Don’t even remember
it happening. I was in the middle of
a routine when I just hit the ground.

CARLA
You seem to be in pretty good shape
right now. But I’ll make sure your
doctor takes care of you and gets you
back on stage before you know it.

Around this moment TURK can be seen peeking into the room.

CARLA (CONT’D)
Speaking of which, have you seen
Dr. Cox yet?

JACKMAN
He hasn’t come by yet.
(GESTURES TOWARDS TURK)
Is that him there?

Carla turns and sees Turk, who quickly waves. Carla rolls
her eyes.

TURK
Hey baby!

CARLA
No, that’s just my husband.

JACKMAN
Oh…seems like a charming fellow.

TURK ENTERS the room and reveals that he has taped tongue
depressors to his hands as if he had claws. Carla sees
this and shakes her head.
 TURK
J.D. and I made Wolverine claws!

CARLA
Yeah…charming. I’ll go see if I can
find Dr. Cox.

CARLA EXITS.

JACKMAN
So you aren’t my doctor?

TURK
Nah, I’m a surgeon. Hey, do you think
Wolverine would be good in surgery?

JACKMAN
I honestly couldn’t tell you.

TURK
How come Wolverine is able to be in so
many comics at once?

JACKMAN
Um, I guess because he’s a mutant?
I don’t know, I don’t write the comics.

J.D. ENTERS, also wearing “Wolverine claws.”

JACKMAN
I guess you aren’t my doctor either.

J.D.
I wish! It’d be like the Weapon X
project!

JACKMAN
Funny. So where is my doctor anyway?

J.D.
You mean Dr. Cox still hasn’t come by?
(TO TURK) Did you ask him if
Wolverine would be a good surgeon?

TURK
He said he didn’t know.
 J.D.
Those claws would probably get in
the way.

JACKMAN
Fellas, look, you both seem like nice
guys, but I’d really like to see my
doctor soon. I have a very busy
schedule and need to get back on
stage as soon as possible.

J.D.
You know, I know a really quick way
to find him…

TURK
Oh no, please not “Floating Head Doctor.”

CUT TO:
7 INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY – DAY

In J.D.’s fantasy, his head is floating through the

hallways of Sacred Heart in search of Dr. Cox. He will
pass by some of the show’s recurring characters before
finally floating into the doctor’s lounge. He will then
come upon Dr. Cox, who is sitting on the couch reading a
newspaper.

J.D.’S FLOATING HEAD

I found him! BODY!! TO THE LOUNGE!

J.D.’s disconnected body will then be shown in another part

of the hospital, and will quickly spring into action to
retrieve Dr. Cox. It will try to run onto an elevator, but
crash into the closed doors and fall into a lump on the
floor.

8 INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – CONTINUOUS

BACK TO REALITY. J.D. is coming down from his fantasy as

Turk and Hugh Jackman look at him strangely.

J.D.
The body can never figure out elevators.

Jackman
Lovely.
 Turk
Come on, J.D., let’s find Dr. Cox.

THEY EXIT in search of Dr. Cox. On the way out they pass
the Janitor, who is on his way into the room. He gives
J.D. a dirty look as they pass each other.

JACKMAN
I’m gonna guess you aren’t Dr. Cox
either.

JANITOR
Nope.

JACKMAN
Figures.

JANITOR
You know, I once had a career in movies
myself.

CUT TO:
9 INT. APARTMENT – NIGHT
(J.D., Janitor)

This scene is actually a clip from “My Friend the Doctor”

an episode in Season 3. In this scene, J.D. is watching
The Fugitive and sees an actor that appears to be the
Janitor.

10 INT HOSPITAL ROOM – CONTINUOUS

BACK TO REALITY. The Janitor is leaning on his mop and

awaiting Jackman’s approval.

JACKMAN
So you were in The Fugitive?

J.D. is shown WALKING BY the room once again, freezing in

place once he hears this.

J.D. (V.O.)
I knew it!!!

J.D. EXITS, continuing his search for Dr. Cox.

 JANITOR
Let’s keep that between you and me.

JACKMAN
Sure. Can you just find my doctor?

The Janitor stands up, as if rising to the occasion.

JANITOR
I’m on it.

JANITOR EXITS.

11 INT. NURSES’ STATION – DAY

(Carla, Elliot, J.D., Turk, Janitor, Dr. Kelso)

Carla is sitting at a computer, entering patient

information. Elliot is sitting on the counter next to her.

CARLA
I think you’re the only one here who
isn’t going crazy over the new patient.

ELLIOT
What new patient?

CARLA
How have you not heard already?

ELLIOT
Carla, I’ve been having a crazy day. I’ve
been puked on twice, had one patient code
on me, and had to disimpact three bowels
because there were no interns around. I
also had one patient tell me I smelled
delicious sometime between the second and
third bowel. Plus all I’ve had to eat
all day was half a piece of fruit that I
stole from pediatrics.

CARLA
They don’t have fruit in pediatrics.

ELLIOT
So you mean…
 CARLA
You ate a wax apple.

ELLIOT
Frick.

J.D. and TURK ENTER, running in frantically.

TURK
Baby, have you seen Dr. Cox?

CARLA
Haven’t seen him.

J.D.
Where could he be? We need to find
him and bring him to Hugh Jackman!

Elliot jumps down from the counter.

ELLIOT
Hugh Jackman is here?!?!

J.D. (V.O.)
How did she not hear about that?

CARLA
That’s the new patient I was talking
about.

ELLIOT
Oh my God, Hugh Jackman is so amazing!
He’s so handsome and talented and…oh my
God, I have to go meet him!

TURK
Not when you smell like that.

CARLA
TURK!

TURK
What? She smells like that homeless guy
that sleeps in the MRI machines.

J.D. (V.O.)
 So THAT’S what that smell is…
ELLIOT
(VOLUME, PITCH, AND SPEED INCREASING)
I’ve had a very bad day and a lot of
horrible patients and (WORDS BECOME
INDECIPHERABLE AT THIS POINT)

CARLA
Calm down Elliot. Go clean yourself up
and I’ll take you to meet Hugh Jackman.
J.D., did you check for Dr. Cox upstairs?
And Turk…

TURK
Yes baby?

CARLA
Consider yourself on a full booty
embargo.

Turk begins to pout, and J.D. puts his arm around his
shoulder to console him. Cheesy music plays in the
background.

J.D.
It’s ok, Chocolate Bear, J.D.’s here
for you.

CARLA
You two are ridiculous.

J.D.
(DEFIANTLY)
Only words, Carla! Only words! Come
on Turk, let’s find Dr. Cox!

J.D. pulls TURK away as THEY EXIT.

12 INT. HALLWAY – CONTINUOUS

J.D. and Turk continue their walk down the hall when
suddenly they both slip and fall. We then see things from
their point of view on the floor, as the JANITOR stands
over them, mop in hand.

JANITOR
Floor’s wet.
 TURK
Shouldn’t there be a sign?

The Janitor drops a wet floor sign on top of them.

JANITOR
I told Handsome Australian Actor that I
would bring him his doctor. You’re not
getting to him before I do.

DR. KELSO (O.S.)

THERE you are! I’ve been looking
everywhere for you.

DR. KELSO ENTERS.

DR. KELSO (CONT’D)

There’s a surprise for you in the
third floor bathroom. Here’s a hint –
it’s not a pie. I suggest you get to
it immediately.

The Janitor grabs his mop and EXITS.

DR. KELSO (CONT’D)

(RE: J.D. and Turk on floor)
And just what are you two doing down there?

J.D.
The floor was wet.

DR. KELSO
Well get up! You two are doctors!

J.D. and Turk get up from the floor and dust themselves
off.

TURK
Sorry sir, won’t happen again.

DR. KELSO
Whatever. I need a vacation.

DR. KELSO EXITS, shaking his head. TURK and J.D. then EXIT
in the opposite direction.
13 INT. DOCTOR’S LOUNGE – DAY
(Dr. Cox, J.D., Turk, Carla, Harvey Corman, Hugh Jackman,
Elliot)

Dr. Cox is sitting in the lounge with his feet up, watching
TV. J.D. and TURK ENTER.

J.D.
Finally!

DR. COX
Please tell me finally got that peach
fuzz you’ve been asking for every night.

J.D.
I could grow mutton chops if I wanted to.

J.D. (V.O.)
And have.

DR. COX
Right. So what could you two possibly
want from me?

TURK
Why haven’t you seen Wolverine yet?

DR. COX
Newsflash Gandhi, Wolverwine isn’t real.
It’s just a man in there, a horrible,
horrible man.

J.D.
You’ve treated patients you didn’t like
before.

As if on cue, CARLA ENTERS, pushing HARVEY CORMAN in a

wheelchair into the room. He is an irritating
hypochondriac who is a regular at Sacred Heart, and is in a
hospital gown ready for another one of his regular visits.

CORMAN
Hello, Perry! Gentlemen.

DR. COX
 Carla, please tell me I’m just dreaming
and that this really isn’t the worst
possible day in my entire life.

CARLA
Oh it’s real all right.

DR. COX
I can only imagine what disease you
thought up for yourself this time.

CORMAN
I think I have Berylliosis. I’ve been
around a lot of fluorescent lights lately.

DR. COX
(PUTTING HIS HANDS BEHIND HIS HEAD)
Carla, bring Mr. Corman to his room.
I’ll be right there to check him out.

CARLA
Anything you say.

CARLA and HARVEY EXIT.

TURK
Shouldn’t you go to Hugh Jackman’s room
first?

J.D. (V.O.)
There are a lot of things that can make
you reconsider where you truly stand.

14 INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Hugh Jackman is shown in his room as J.D.’s narration

continues.

J.D. (V.O. CONT’D)

Perhaps it’s having the man you hate
the most as your patient.

15 INT. HOSPITAL LOCKER ROOM – CONTINUOUS

Elliot is seen washing her hair as the narration continues.

J.D. (V.O. CONT’D)

 Or maybe it’s having yet another bad day.

16 INT. DOCTOR’S LOUNGE – CONTINUOUS

Back to the lounge, where J.D. and Turk await Dr. Cox’s
answer.

J.D. (V.O. CONT’D)

Or maybe it’s a surprising answer from
the person you respect the most.

DR. COX
I’m not going to his room. Now if
you’ll excuse me, I have some Berylliosis
tests to run.

DR. COX EXITS. J.D. and TURK remain in shock as we

FADE OUT.