Saturday Mornings With Godly Gary

By
Jon Richardson
CHARACTERS
LESLIE: A nervous Catholic priest in his late 20s.
GODLY GARY: A humanoid felt puppet that is hand operated.
Something of a combination between Kermit the Frog, Howdy
Doody and a member of the Westboro Baptist Church.
2.
ACT I
Lights up on a mostly barren set. LESLIE lies face
down on CSL. He is dressed in full Catholic priest
regalia. GODLY GARY, sits on a table CSR. The
table has a floral tablecloth to hide the
puppeteer, who sits underneath. A folded up
t-shirt and pair of shorts sit on the floor next
to GODLY GARY.
After a few seconds, LESLIE starts to stir.
LESLIE
What... uh... oh... (He sits up, eyes closed, and rubs
his head.) Oh boy. Ouch. (He opens his eyes and
immediately drops his jaw in astonishment.) Uh...
(GODLY GARY waves.)
GODLY GARY
Hi!
LESLIE
What... what in the...
GODLY GARY
(animated)
Hellloooooo Father Leslie!
LESLIE
What are you doing here?!
GODLY GARY
Its me! Godly Gary! From "Saturday Mornings With Godly
Gary"!
LESLIE
I know who you are!(Pause.) But... how are you here?
GODLY GARY
Well, Im not really here! You drank a lot of no-no
juice and passed out on your living room floor, and now
youre having a fever dream! In real life your entire
front side is caked with vomit!
LESLIE
Uh...
GODLY GARY
That makes Jesus sad! So your old pal Godly Gary is
here to help you out of a jam!
3.
LESLIE
I dont think theres anything you can do.
GODLY GARY
But Im your oldest friend in the world! How about you
go back to those times? When you were a little boy, and
the world was big, and the most exciting part of every
week was "Saturday Mornings With Godly Gary"?! (Pause.
He points to the folded clothes on the floor.) Youve
got some of your old clothes right there. How about you
put them on?
(LESLIE looks at GODLY GARY cautiously for a few
seconds. He then picks himself up and wobbles over
to the pile of clothes. He closes his eyes and
takes off his priest regalia. Once undressed, he
takes several pronouncedly deep breaths. He then
leans down and puts on an extremely tight fitting
"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" t-shirt. He also
puts on the shorts, which are bright red and
comically small. Once dressed, LESLIE stares at
GODLY GARY, who nods and gestures for him to sit
down. LESLIE does so, sitting down cross-legged a
few feet in front of him.)
GODLY GARY
Look! Just like old times! Except theres no glass
screen separating us! Im right here!
LESLIE
Yeah...
GODLY GARY
So whats got you down in the dumps?
LESLIE
Dont you already know?
GODLY GARY
Sure! But I want to hear you say it!
LESLIE
Um...
GODLY GARY
Say it! Tell your old pal Godly Gary!
LESLIE
Im dealing with... temptation.
GODLY GARY
You sure are!
4.
LESLIE
Yeah. Theres this girl, this... this woman, in my
church. Her name is Jessica. I was formally introduced
to her at... at Wednesday night Bible study. After a
few weeks she started staying late. Shes very curious,
Godly Gary, but in a good way! She just has so many
questions about her faith. Lots of really deep,
interesting questions. Shes such a great
conversationalist too... wed start talking, and before
I knew it, it would be one o clock in the morning!
Ive never experienced that before. With anyone!
(Pause.) Then these past few weeks, weve been...
seeing each other. Outside of Bible study. Weve been
going to the park. The movies. Last night we... we went
out to dinner...
GODLY GARY
Oh, buddy, this is bad!
LESLIE
I know it is. I just... Ive never met a woman like her
before. She makes me so happy. Shes all I can think
about, every day, morning to night! When Im with her
my heart feels like a big anvil... and when I look at
her its like... well, its like...
GODLY GARY
Say it, pal!
LESLIE
Its like Im looking at God! (Nervously.) And I dont
mean that in a blasphemous sense! I just mean, I feel
like God is in her! Like all of Jesus warmth and
kindness lives inside this woman! Dont you have any
idea what thats like, Godly Gary?
(A long pause.)
GODLY GARY
No!
(LESLIE throws his head in his hands.)
GODLY GARY
Sounds like youve got a case of the fizzly wizzlys!
LESLIE
Yeah, you can say that again. (He leans forward.) So
what do I do?
GODLY GARY
Youre gonna have to stop seeing her!
5.
LESLIE
But thats the thing! Sure, maybe I could stop taking
her to the movies, and going out to dinner, but shes
still in my congregation! Shell still be there every
Wednesday night at Bible study. And as long as thats
the case, I dont think Ill be able to hold back my...
my feelings...
GODLY GARY
Sounds like Lil Leslie has a darkness brewing in his
heart!
LESLIE
Well. I dont know that Id call it a "darkness"...
GODLY GARY
Oh, but it is a darkness, old chum! As the Big Man
himself said, anyone who looks at a person with lust
has committed adultery with her in his heart!
LESLIE
But its more than lust! So much more! Its... its...
GODLY GARY
What is it?!
LESLIE
Its love! Its love. I love her. I love her like I
love Jesus. Like I loved you when I was a little boy
and you were my best friend and I could still fit into
this t-shirt!
GODLY GARY
Oh, buddy! Those arent the words of a honorable man of
the Lord! Theyre the words of a weak, pathetic
creature who has been chewed up by the charms of a vile
temptress! If someone doesnt save you soon, youll
surely rot in the lake of fire for all eternity!
LESLIE
Godly Gary, how can you say that?!
GODLY GARY
Im just a vessel for the Lord! I speak His Holy words!
I do not judge, I merely pass on His judgment!
LESLIE
No.(Pause.) No, you DO judge. You judge me for... for
what? For wanting to experience beauty? For wanting to
fully enjoy, fully appreciate everything that God put
here in the first place?
6.
GODLY GARY
God did not create sin! Man created sin! You are Eve in
the Garden! Repent! Repent and become Jesus in the
desert! Turning down temptation, suffering...
LESLIE
(screaming)
Ive done enough suffering! (He stands up and runs
towards SL, as if to escape GODLY GARY.) All I do is
suffer!
GODLY GARY
And thats your punishment! Thats all of mankinds
punishment for Adam and Eves sin!
LESLIE
Do you have to suffer, Godly Gary?
GODLY GARY
Of course not! Im an angel!
LESLIE
How cute.
GODLY GARY
Not a joke buddy! Its the real deal! Im an angel sent
by the Lord to preach his Holy Word! Put upon this
Hellish earth so I might appear on public access
television for half an hour every Saturday between the
years of 1989 and 1994, doing my small part to bathe
these sweet, doomed babies in the purifying blood of
the lamb! Oh, I tried my best with you, Leslie, but I
failed! I guess I get a big red mark for you! Because
youre a spineless, pathetic, useless sinner!
LESLIE
No! Shut up! Youre not an angel!
GODLY GARY
Im a prophet!
LESLIE
Youre a demon!
GODLY GARY
You took a vow! But you never intended to keep it, did
you? You took the vow because you were scared and I got
my strings in you and you truly believed that maybe
Jesus and Godly Gary would love you even if no one else
did, and you were terrified of girls anyway, so you
thought it would work out like peaches and sugarsnaps!
Now youve found some naughty whore lady that makes you
feel good and you want to turn your back on everything,
(MORE)
7.
GODLY GARY (contd)
but itll all just end up going loospy daisy because
shell leave you because shell never love you because
how could anyone ever love YOU--
LESLIE
SHUT THE FUCK UP GARY!
GODLY GARY
Youre saying naughty words! Youre a sinner and a
fornicator who says naughty words! How could anyone
ever love you, WHY would anyone ever love you--
(LESLIE runs SR and immediately begins strangling
GODLY GARY. GARY flails helplessly and emits
choking noises while LESLIE screams at him.)
LESLIE
BECAUSE IM A PERSON! BECAUSE IM A CHILD OF GOD AND I
DESERVE LOVE! (Almost on the verge of tears, LESLIE
stops shaking GARY. He closes his eyes, lets out a
primal scream, and rips a handful of stuffing from
GARYs torso.)
GODLY GARY
(wounded)
Oh... oh buddy...
LESLIE
I hate you.
GODLY GARY
Oh, youre burning in hell for this one! Youre living
in the lake of fire forever now! God is abandoning you!
Forsaking you! You dont even exist!
LESLIE
Thats not true.
GODLY GARY
Youve accepted a life of Earthly pleasures for eternal
pain and suffering. Youre a fool, pal!
LESLIE
No Im not! (He runs off SR.) Im not a fool, and Im
done suffering! (He returns to the stage with a hammer
and two 2x4 planks.) But youre done tormenting me.
GODLY GARY
Whats that, buddy? What are ya doing?!
8.
LESLIE
Im crucifying you. Youre going to die for my sins.
GODLY GARY
No! Please! Im your old pal!
LESLIE
Youre my enemy.
GODLY GARY
Dont you remember Saturday mornings? (He weakly begins
to sing.)
Saturday Mornings,
With Godly Gary
The world might get dark
The world might get scary
But dont be afraid,
If you love Jesus, youre saved
And youve always got a friend in
Ol Godly Gary!
LESLIE
Goodbye Godly Gary.
GOODLY GARY
Lil Leslie! What are you doing?!
LESLIE
Setting myself free.
(LESLIE confidently walks over to a hysterically
screaming GODLY GARY. As soon as GARY is ripped
from the table he stops moving. Weak, muted
screams can still be heard. LESLIE kneels down CS
and begins nailing GODLY GARY to his makeshift
cross. Once GODLY GARY is fully crucified, the
screams cease. LESLIE looks at his work with
pride. He then peels off his clothing until he is
dressed in nothing but his underwear. Arms
outstretched, eyes closed, he smiles and exits
SL.)
END PLAY.