BBS Conversations For Change PDF

Business Book Summaries
April 21, 2011 Copyright 2011 EBSCO Publishing Inc. All Rights Reserved
April 21, 2011
Conversations for
Change
12 Ways to Say It Right When It
Matters Most
Shawn Kent Hayashi
Adapted by permission of McGraw-Hill from Conversations
for Change by Shawn Kent Hayashi. 2011 by Shawn Kent
Hayashi
ISBN: 978-0-07-174528-4
Introduction
Conversation is inherent to work and to socializing,
and so it seems like it should be a natural and easy
skill. Still, some people manage to create momentum
with their conversations, moving people and organi-
zations forward while others create a sour emotional
wake, and demotivate people.
Meaningful conversation is a learned skill, writes
Shawn Kent Hayashi in Conversations for Change.
Hayashi has spent more than 20 years coaching
people to improve their conversation skills in order to
build stronger relationships and organizations. Con-
versations for Change is the culmination of that work
and is rich with real-world cases from Hayashis cli-
ents. Hayashi has created assessment methodologies
to identify the key conversational skills and individ-
ual styles of communication. Hayashi then takes the
reader through 12 essential business conversations
(for example, a conversation for commitment, a con-
versation to resolve confict), and how to use them.
Part I: Foundations
Great conversations are built on a foundation of
awareness, which includes:
1. Emotional intelligence: an awareness of emotions
in oneself and others that helps people navigate
situations.
2. Motivators: values, which inform what people
want to talk about.
3. Style: how people approach communication.
Perhaps on the surface, emotion has no place in busi-
ness, but that is unrealistic. People are infuenced by
emotions, but star performers and great communica-
Conversations for Change Shawn Kent Hayashi

April 21, 2011 Copyright 2011 EBSCO Publishing Inc. All Rights Reserved Page 2
tors have some mastery of those emotions. They are
emotionally intelligent, able to process their own
emotions and self-regulate even in upseting circum-
stances, and they connect well in conversations, or
with crowds, with their ability to inspire, motivate,
and engage. Consider that Presidents Ronald Reagan
and Bill Clinton were each credited with being inspi-
rational, and Reagan was known as The Great
Communicator.
According to Hayashi, there are seven core emotions
that produce measurable chemical changes in the
body:
love
joy
hope
sadness
envy
anger
fear
Each in turn produces physical manifestations, like
trembling, stomachache, and sweaty palms. Finally,
those seven core emotions produce any one (or more)
of 26 emotional states of being feelings like hatred,
jealousy, frustration, freedom, passion, optimism, and
so on. Gaining control of those seven core emotions is
a way to control those 26 states.
It is possible to develop emotional intelligence; to
gain control of the feelings by being aware of those
core emotions and choosing thoughts and actions that
inspire a desired feeling. This requires fve emotional
intelligence competencies:
1. Self awareness: knowing what one feels in the mo-
ment.
2. Self regulation: being proactive rather than reactive
toward emotions, thus choosing the end behavior.
3. Motivation: playing to ones own passions, skills
and abilities.
4. Empathy: the ability to identify what someone else
feels, and use that ability to create rapport.
5. Social skills: the ability to work in a group and
align members toward progress.
Key Concepts
In Conversations for Change, author Shawn
Kent Hayashi discusses how conversations are
an opportunity to build momentum and mean-
ingful growth in relationships and business.
Every conversation is built upon three founda-
tions:
1. Emotional intelligence: a kind of literacy about
ones own emotions and those of others, and
recognizing when they are constructive or
obstructive.
2. Values: otherwise known as workplace motiva-
tors, which determine what drives a person,
and what that person wants to talk about.
Values run the gamut from utilitarian (pro-
ductive and useful) to aesthetic (being artis-
tic and sensual). Individuals have values, as
do organizations.
3. Communication styles: being how people like
to talk. The styles are High Dominant; High
Infuence; High Steady; and High Compli-
ance. People with similar styles tend to
converse well.
g g g g
Information about the author and subject:
www.theprofessionaldevelopmentgroup.com/
conversation
Information about this book and other business titles:
www.mhprofessional.com
Related summaries in the BBS Library:
Everyone Communicates, Few Connect
What the Most Efective People Do Diferently
John C. Maxwell
The Communication Problem Solver
Simple Tools and Techniques for Busy Managers
Nannete Rundle Carroll

It is also possible for an individual to be stuck in an
emotion to have a default emotion, which in turn
infuences every action and mood. Even if the emo-
tion is positive (like joy), that emotion may not be
appropriate to every conversation, such as a conver-
sation to terminate an employee. This displays a lack
of empathy and an emotionally illiterate speaker.
To move up the emotional
ladder from #7 (fear) to #1
(love), one must recognize and
acknowledge the emotion of a
moment; then take actions to select another emotion.
Key to this is not judging an emotion as undesirable
the emotion simply is. Anger is not an evil emotion.
Rather, it can be an indicator that someone has crossed
a boundary, and the situation calls for a conversation.
The conversation will defuse the cause of the anger,
and in turn, the anger itself.
Still, some emotions are more constructive, more solu-
tion focused than problem focused. Angry employees
may say that their bosses are slave drivers or are
vague in their directions. If instead those employees
focus on their bosses strengths and envision a more
positive workplace that relies on those strengths, then
the employees are ready for a constructive conversa-
tion.
People who are emotionally literate earn more money, adapt
better, complete tasks faster, and have fewer career derailments.
About the Author
Shawn Kent Hayashi is the founder and CEO
of The Professional Development Group, and
is the author of fve business communication
books. Hayashi also coaches organizations on
how to apply the assessment methodology to
their talent management eforts. Clients include
Fortune 500 and mid-sized companies, uni-
versities, and entrepreneurial organizations. A
certifed Emotional Intelligence Coach, Shawn
earned her M.S. in Organization Dynamics from
The University of Pennsylvania. In addition, she
holds a number of certifcations in assessment
analysis and serves on the boards of several
professional organizations, and is active in the
Forum of Executive Women.
Finally, people leave behind them an emotional wake,
for good or bad. Emotionally illiterate people are
likely to be surprised when they learn that they leave
everyone in a room feeling angry or fearful. An emo-
tionally intelligent person will recognize and process
emotions, and leave an emotional wake of hopeful-
ness or joy (where that is appropriate).
The second foundation of every conversation is values
and motivators. These are distinct to every individual
and inform what they are likely to talk about and
hear. Values and motivators also inform a good ft for
employment. Consider two distinct workplaces, such
as TD Ameritrade and the non-proft World Wildlife
Fund. Chances are that a broker from TD Ameritrade
would be a bad ft at WWF. The values of each orga-
nization are simply diferent, and the values of the
workers must align with their workplaces if they are
to be content and stand behind an organizations mis-
sion.
Eduard Spranger in Types of Men (1928) described six
basic workplace values:
1. Utilitarian, favoring usefulness, productivity, and
fnancial well-being. Utilitarians are the salespeo-
ple, entrepreneurs, fnancial ofcers, and bankers
of the world; they tend to be self made and proft-
oriented.
2. Aesthetic, being more artistic, sensual, and cre-
ative. People with aesthetic values are interior
designers, physical trainers, chefs and so on.
Martha Stewart has strong aesthetic values; she
enjoys peace and harmony. But she is also quite
utilitarian, as evidenced by her empire (under the
umbrella of her company, Omnimedia).
3. Theoretical, wanting answers, truth, and knowl-
edge sharing. Theoreticals are the professors,
scientists, doctors, investigators.
4. Traditional, favoring clear-cut instructions and
procedures. The traditionals enjoy living by rules
and standards, and include police ofcers, quality
control experts, pastors, and teachers.

5. Social, aimed toward enriching the lives of others.
The social type wants to make a diference in
peoples lives. This type includes teachers, fre-
fghters, fund-raisers, and nonproft employees.
6. Individualistic, in which an expert leads with
world-class ideas. The individualists are leaders,
and lead by example and with enthusiasm. They
are CEOs, politicians, and chairpeople. (Donald
Trump is a conspicuous example.)
As in the case of Martha Stewart, a person is usually
driven by more than one value. Someone whose frst
value is social, but second is individualistic, is likely
to start a nonproft organization. Someone who is the-
oretical and traditional would likely enjoy data and
research; and would have a miserable time working
at Omnimedia.
Very likely, that person would have a difcult time
even talking to Ms. Stewart. People connect and dis-
connect on their values. The aesthete may dine on
some fantastic Mediterranean dish and declare, This
is incredible! You should try this! while the utilitar-
ian wonders how the dish can be packaged and sold.
Emotionally intelligent people are aware of their own
values, the values of the organizations they work for,
and the values of other people in a conversation. They
adapt to those values, as needed. A hard-driven utili-
tarian recognizes that a more methodical-theoretical
person prefers to back up decisions with research,
and so will not demand, I need your answer now.
The third foundation is communication style. Just as
people of similar values connect easily, people of simi-
lar communication styles do as well. There are four
general styles, represented by the acronym DISC:
1. Dominant - Someone with a high dominant style
takes charge, relies on gut instincts, and relishes a
challenge
2. Infuential - Those with the high infuence style like
to interact and persuade, and are good at includ-
ing others in conversations and decisions.
3. Steady - The high steady style favors security, struc-
ture, and calm. (This represents 40 percent of the
population.)
4. Compliant - The high compliance style favors accu-
racy and caution, policies and procedures.
Someone with a high dominant style will likely fnd
someone with a compliant style as plodding and too
methodical an anchor who holds up progress. In
reverse, that compliant type may fnd the high domi-
nant type rash and impulsive.
An individual is hardwired
with a communication style,
called a natural style; but likely
has an adapted style as well, one
the individual uses to get along in an organization.
Someone may adapt a style to suit an organization or
a manager, but this tends to lead to discontentment.
An adapted style is beter used in a given situation,
for example, speaking to a high compliant person in
terms of policies. This is people-reading, and superior
communicators adapt in order to communicate well.
Part II: The Conversations
Great conversations are built on the foundations of
emotional intelligence, motivators, and communica-
tion styles.
The conversations themselves fall along a continuum,
beginning with a Conversation for Connection and
ending with a Conversation for Moving On. In between
are conversations for action, confict resolution, and
accountabilityall key conversations in efective
communication, but also in creating momentum, be it
in someones career, a given project, or the growth of
an organization. The twelve conversations are these:
1. A Conversation for Connection is a sort of kick-of
in which individuals build rapport and trust
through listening.
2. A Conversation for Creating New Possibilities builds
upon that connection. It is in these conversations
that ideas are conceived, such as new product
lines or ideas for professional development; a
manager asks an employee, in essence, What are
you capable of? What do you want to achieve?
3. A Conversation for Structure is one in which the
The four communication styles are Dominant, Influential,
Steady, and Compliant. Each has its own cluster of predictable
behaviors.

plan is conceived for achieving those possibilities.
4. A Conversation for Commitment is one which, in
essence, asks the individuals involved, Do we
have your commitment to this idea? Will you be
responsible for your part in it?
5. A Conversation for Action discovers, What do we
(or you) do next? What actions will realize goals
and professional dreams?
6. The Conversation for Accountability ensures that
individuals understand that they are accountable
for delivering what they agreed to do. This may
be corrective, for a non-performer.
7. A Conversation for Confict Resolution is a
constructive one, aimed at creating a safe, non-
fearful environment with positive outcomes for all
involved.
8. A Conversation for Breakdown acknowledges some
insoluble confict or breakdown in communica-
tion, perhaps a persistent and unresolved cause of
anger. The individuals ask, directly, for what they
need to move past the breakdown.
9. Failing that, a Conversation for Withdrawal and Dis-
engagement ends that misconnection, making room
for more constructive and enjoyable professional
relationships.
10. The Conversation for Change may be with an indi-
vidual, a team, or an entire organization. The aim
is to guide the conversation to acknowledge a
change or to efect some much-needed change.
11. A Conversation for Appreciation is a meaningful
one, tailored to the communication style and
motivators of the appreciated; done well, these
conversations build stronger
relationships and momen-
tum.
12. Finally, a Conversation for
Moving On puts some rela-
tionship in the past. It is not
necessarily a parting of ways; it can also be one
that occurs around a transfer or retirement. The
people involved may reconnect some time later,
but not necessarily so.
Connection
A Conversation for Connection usually takes place
at the beginning of a new relationship; for example,
in atending a conference, in a job interview, or in
meeting a new employee or boss. A Conversation for
Connection can also help two people move beyond
prejudices the frozen-in-time perceptions they have
of one another from when they frst met.
On the surface, such a conversation may feel like
chit-chat, but is far more meaningful. It creates the
opportunity for the two parties to use their emotional
intelligence to feel one another out for motivators and
communication styles.
What goes wrong frequently during connection is
a lack of presence. One or more of the individuals
is distracted and not practicing deep listening; that
individual is missing those values, motivators and
communication styles, thus missing the foundations
of a valuable relationship. The individual also misses
whatever opportunity the connection holds; Ser-
endipityhappens when you stay in the moment,
writes the author. A Conversation for Connection
uncovers opportunity, seting the stage for a Conver-
sation for Creating New Possibilities.
The deep listener must consciously practice what the
author calls powerful listening in order to cultivate
trust. The techniques of powerful listening are:
To be fully present actively listening to what is
said.
Maintaining eye contact for three to four seconds
at a time.
Mentally summarizing what the listener hears.
Asking questions about what has been said.
As mechanical as these feel, they require practice until
deep listening becomes a natural skill.
New Possibilities
A Conversation for Creating New Possibilities begins
Great conversations are built on a foundation of awareness
that includes emotional intelligence, what people want to talk
about (motivators), and how they approach communication
(style).

with such phrases as, What would you like to
create? I have an idea Id like you to consider
or Where do you see things going? Those opening
statements create a constructive framework.
These conversations are typically focused on creating
some solution, growth, or opportunity. They may also
serve to overcome some stagnation rehashing of dis-
likes, grudges, opportunities missed, or bad feelings.
Gossiping and kvetching are Dirty Laundry Conver-
sations which impede possibilities, but alas, come
naturally. A Conversation for Creating New Possibili-
ties stops that cycle when someone asks, What do
you want to create next? rather than takes part in (or
listens to) stagnant emotions.
These positive conversations usually begin with
someone puting a stick in the ground, making some
conscious declaration of what the possibility is. The
author encourages students to list 100 possibilities, as
large as starting a company or as small as learning
some new technology. Someone who can list only 20
possibilities has, in efect, created a glass ceiling.
Still, the largest ideas create the greatest possibilities,
such as Walt Disneys idea for creating one new atrac-
tion at each of his theme parks every year. Also, the
largest ideas may start through one-on-one connection
before they connect to millions. Thomas Edison, Bill
Gates, and Nelson Mandela each created Conversa-
tions for Creating New Possibilities with individuals
before taking those new possibilities to a global scale.
This demonstrates the value of making and maintain-
ing connections; every connection has possibilities
of its own. For example, an old business connection
can represent the possibility of a new job opening, a
business partnership, or simply the source of a great
product idea.
Structure
A Conversation for Structure is a functional one, aimed
at giving a possibility bones by creating a plan that
launches that possibility into a reality. What are the
priorities? one might ask. How will we track our
progress? or, What is the timeline for the steps?
These conversations are particularly useful when
laying out a project plan, negotiating details of how
to proceed, or creating a process map of specifc steps.
It is at this stage where possibilities ofen go of the
rails. An individual may declare a possibility, like
losing 25 pounds, but does not create a structure for
achieving it. Similarly, a company with the idea for a
new product line or a new company ideal (perhaps
going green) may never have this kick-of conver-
sation.
Professional organizers engage their clients in Con-
versations for Structure; in a real-world example, an
organizer pointed out to her client that she organized
her kitchen far beter than she did her ofce; hence,
she never lost a cooking implement, but frequently
dropped balls at work. The client benefted from a
few simple tools and techniques, like keeping a single
calendar versus relying on Post-It reminders, and
seting aside a half hour in the morning to prioritize
tasks for the day.
Commitment
The Conversation for Commitment builds upon the
earlier conversations. In it, someone asks, Are you
interested in these outcomes? Can we count on you
to take this step? Will you commit 10 hours per
week to this objective? Sometimes the conversation
is exploratory Here is an outline of responsibilities
in this role, and I am considering
you for it.
These are useful conversations in
determining who is responsible
for a given step, for recruiting
team members, or for requesting
management or budget support.
These conversations do more than solicit engagement,
they create engagement. In another example, a com-
pany found itself unable to manage the rising cost of
healthcare. Rather than make executive decisions, the
management engaged all levels of the employees in a
conversation aimed at fnding solutions. The employ-
ees succeeded by suggesting an a-la-carte approach
to healthcare insurance, and agreed to a raise in
employee contributions. The employees were thus
Connecting with others happens when we slow down enough
to be in the present and really listen to one another. Rapport
building requires listening now.

commited to and engaged in the solution.
These conversations also reiterate commitment where
someone has lost it. For example, a manager caught
a young employee in a white lie, and could have
upbraided him. Instead, she held a Conversation for
Commitment. She told him she had observed more
integrity from him in the past, and asked how he
thought he could rebuild trust, and if he was commit-
ted to seeing those actions through. The result was an
employee who returned to the level of commitment
and integrity that he had demonstrated before.
A common mistake is to assume commitment simply
because someone is in a given role. Presumably, a
project manager is commited to managing proj-
ects, but if the scope of the job
were to change, or new tasks are
introduced to it, then the project
manager may be less engaged in
the work than before. If perfor-
mance lags, the project manager
is ripe for a Conversation for Commitment with a
manager (or mentor).
Action
The Conversation for Action usually answers the
question, What next? It also answers that question
specifcally. It begins with phrases like, What is the
priority now? Lets create a checklist so we can see
all the action steps and check them of and What
one action will help us all move forward?
This conversation seems similar to the Conversation
for Structure, but that conversation was for planning
a course of action; this one is for taking the actions
themselves. The Conversation for Structure may
include, The Quality Assurance department will
identify all recurring defects from the last quarter.
The Conversation for Action might include, It is up
to the R&D department to determine what actions it
will take to achieve that goal.
Three questions that usually keep action moving for-
ward are these:
1. What are the options for what we can do today?
2. What is the next action?
3. Then what?
Note that these are questions, not commands. As
questions, they enable people to use their expertise
and values to select the next action; and because that
next action is their idea, they will be engaged in it and
commited to seeing it through to completion.
Accountability
The next natural step is a Conversation for Account-
ability one that, as the author describes, Brings
authority and responsibility into alignment.
These conversations begin with such phrases as,
When will you have this ready for the client? How
can I be helpful to you in reaching this deliverable?
May we talk at 5 p.m. every day to discuss the prog-
ress?
The two (or more) people in the conversation become
accountability partners who, when all goes well, under-
stand exactly what the parameters and deliverables
are. In one instance, a senior manager asked a new
junior manager to get to know his direct reports.
There were nearly 100 of them across the U.S. Unfor-
tunately, these two managers communication styles
were a mismatch. The senior manager had a High
Compliant style, and so she expected the junior man-
ager to read reports and background information
about those 100 employees. The junior manager had
more of a person-to-person High Infuence style, and
went on a long and expensive road trip to meet one-
to-one with his direct reports. The two fltered the task
through their own communication styles both of
which are perfectly valid but could have avoided the
misunderstanding with a Conversation for Account-
ability, asking, What will it look like when this task is
done well? and checking in with one another as the
task progressed.
When accountability goes wrong, it calls for a confron-
tation but a civil one, which is still a Conversation
for Accountability. The six steps in this Conversation
for Accountability are these:
1. Approach the person, pledging to solve a problem
rather than upbraid.
When we take a stand and make it clear with our words and
actions, it is easier to get other people inspired to make a
change too.

2. Describe the persons behavior objectively (I have
observed).
3. Express feelings and thoughts about the persons
behavior (I feel frustrated).
4. Suggest a specifc change in terms (May I sug-
gest or I would prefer).
5. Explain the benefts of the new behavior (I will
be more open to your ideas)
6. Ask for commitment to the new behavior. (May I
count on you? or Will you agree to this?)
Such a conversation fosters trust, where belitlement
would have destroyed that trust.
In essence, a complaint is an inverted request. In a
complaint, someone articulates dissatisfaction with
the behavior of another. A Conversation for Account-
ability is the mechanism to turn that complaint into a
request for some other behavior.
Conversation for Conflict Resolution
Conversations that begin with, Id like to beter
understand your perspective, or, What do you need
from me to get past this issue and take the next step?
or, Lets explore what we do agree on, and where
we go from there, are all Conversations for Confict
Resolution.
Confict is not necessarily fghting; nor does it nec-
essarily involve any enmity between two parties.
Rather, it may be some disagreement upon which idea
is best for moving forward. Hayashi observes that
no one challenged IBM Chairman Thomas Watson
who declared in 1943 that the world had no need for
more than fve computers; likely, several of his own
employees disagreed, but would not challenge so
powerful a man. Thousands of innovators have had
to defend ideas that others thought were impossible
or improbable.
Conversations for Confict Resolution can reveal a
path to agreement, move beyond some chronic ten-
sion or resentment, or make one party cease to ignore
another. (Some confict does involve enmity, afer all.)
One peril in confict is to ignore it and avoid hold-
ing a conversation about the confict at all. Those who
turn the other cheek or rise above it are taking
responsibility for keeping the peace without gain-
ing any personal satisfaction. This is a difcult and
non-constructive emotional state. Those people doom
themselves to sufer in silence. The solution is to push
past that fear of confict and hold a conversation to
resolve it.
These conversations are best held when both parties
are commited to resolving the confict not winning
it. In winning, someone loses or surrenders, and will
be unengaged in the resolution; the confict is merely
squashed, not resolved. Also, winning and loss are
strong emotional stimulants. However logical the
confict, the usual emotional states are fear and anger;
fear of a loss of status, anger at being questioned or
not heard or valued. Thus a Con-
versation for Confict Resolution
tasks its participants to protect
themselves emotionally, but also
to protect the other individual.
The two parties do not sacrifce
their own well being or that of one
another. Only then can a confict truly be resolved to
full and mutual satisfaction.
Conversations for Breakdown
If the Conversation for Confict Resolution produces
no results, then a breakdown occurs. A breakdown is
an oscillating patern a repetitive patern with no for-
ward momentum.
A common breakdown is a case in which an individ-
ual has some negative behavior and persists in that
behavior despite all warnings. In one case, an individ-
ual lef a miserable emotional wake with customers,
managers, and team mates who disliked his abrupt-
ness and ill temper. From his point of view, it was not
his fault, rather, his manager, and those customers
and coworkers, were simply too touchy. Rather than
move forward to a higher emotional intelligence, this
individual stayed stuck in an oscillating patern.
One of the parties (but preferably all) must acknowl-
edge the breakdown before it can be resolved. This
Conversations for Conflict Resolution works best when neither
party approaches the dialogue with a focus on proving the
other party wrong or trying to get everyone to see that his or
her own idea is the only right one.

may begin with some phrase like, How do you think
someone outside of this situation would perceive
it?or,We have held this discussion before; why do
you think we keep coming back to it?
This may call for an executive decision. Hayashi
coached a manager in just such a case, in which a
technical support professional refused to share his
knowledge with team mates. This type of knowl-
edge-hoarding ensured that he remained invaluable
in theory. In reality, he created resentment among
coworkers, and unnecessary expense for the company
which had to compensate him for long hours. The
individual defed his managers numerous requests to
cross train co-workers. Only the threat of termination
in 30 days convinced him that he was accountable for
moving beyond the breakdown. Interestingly, that
employee became an enthused
team member afer the experi-
ence; and the manager let go of
her anger toward the employee.
Both grew from the experience of
a Conversation for Breakdown.
Conversation for Withdrawal
and Disengagement
Not all relationships need to go forward. A relation-
ship with an employer, colleague, or even a friend,
may simply feel toxic and enervating. The emotional
wake from an individual is always negative, or,
people fnd themselves stuck in a patern of anger or
fear, with no promise of resolution.
Disengagement need not be drastic, complete, or per-
manent. For example, refusing to take part in ofce
gossip is a Conversation for Withdrawal and Disen-
gagement simply stating, I would rather not talk
about someone who is not here. Declining to serve
as a reference for people one barely knows is another
such conversation.
A client of Hayashi, one of 10 partners in a services
frm, came to the realization that his own values
and that of the other nine partners were simply a
mismatch. He was able to articulate his points in a
non-confrontational Conversation for Withdrawal
and Disengagement, which lef both sides feeling
respected. There were no hard feelings, and all
were able to maintain amicable relationships with one
another.
Such a conversation may be held to disengage with a
vendor, or to choose one service provider over another.
These conversations need not include lengthy justif-
cations, nor must they give the dumped party a plan
for maintaining a fruitless relationship. Ideally, that
party accepts the conversation with grace and grows
from the experience. Hayashi herself was the object of
such a conversation, and came to realize that she had
placed undue demands on a professional associate;
she took far more than she gave. Rather than atempt
to repair the relationship, she treated the experience
as an opportunity for growth. Now I heed the lesson
I learned from this person, and I ask my clients more
questions rather than assumingthey still want to
continue working together.
Some useful phrases in these conversations are,
Thank you for the opportunity to work with you. It
is time for me to move on and continue learning else-
where, or, I am narrowing my client list to the top
three, or, This role no longer fts my vision, and I
feel the need to move on. None of those phrases is
accusatory; in fact, the speaker takes on the responsi-
bility (if not the fault) for the disengagement.
Conversation for Change
The possible changes in an organization, or among
individuals, are limitless. A merger and acquisition is
a signifcant change. So is hiring a new employee, or
working for a new manager. A department may fnd
itself facing added responsibilities, or someones per-
formance may have changed for the worse over time.
Change may be positive, negative, uplifing or ener-
vating, but must be acknowledged in a Conversation
for Change. We have to bring others along to under-
stand how we went from one way of thinkingto
another way, explains Hayashi.
In a case study from Hayashis client base, a project
manager had operated successfully for a decade under
a given job description. A new manager required her to
be more proactive in creating an internal customer
Just admitting to yourself that you are in a breakdown around
an issue can cause you to let go of the resistance and trigger a
move into a new conversation.

focus. Suddenly, the position was more customer-ori-
ented than task oriented, and the project manager felt
as if she was simply wasting her time with tasks that
were not germane to her work.
What the manager had not done is hold a Conversa-
tion for Change, in which she acknowledged that the
nature of the job would change; nor did she articulate
what the new accountabilities would be. The new job
is not one I would want, said the project manager
in a Conversation for Change (which came one year
afer the change), and asked to be moved into a more
suitable role.
Conversations for Change call for high emotional
intelligence on both sides; what appears to be an
opportunity to one party may appear to be a threat
or an imposition to the other. That party may not be
opposed to change, but must understand the change
in order to accept it.
Business conversation is the source of new ideas,
new energy, and new directions, wrote the editors
of Fast Company, the magazine for entrepreneurs. An
efective Conversation for Change begins with such
phrases as these:
I have a dream that we could
A vision that inspires me is
How can we be proactive, instead of reactive?
Here are some trends we need to be prepared
for.
Is anything happening within the company that
we havent talked about?
The risk of failing to hold a Conversation for Change
is a reticence to change. People like the project man-
ager described above atempt to continue working
as they always have, but for a company or a depart-
ment that has evolved. That project manager had not
been given the time to process her emotions about the
changes, and no one had spoken to her in her com-
munication style.
Conversation for Appreciation
Conversations for Appreciation are uplifing depos-
its into the emotional bank account between people,
writes Hayashi. They may begin with such phrases as
these:
I want you to know I noticed how well you
Thank you for puting in so much time to see this
work through. and
Jodi told me that you really excel at
Such conversations do more than foster good will;
they create momentum in a
relationship, turning it into a rela-
tionship that can achieve greater
commitment, overcome confict,
and create more positive change.
There are four ways of showing
appreciation in business:
1. Afrmation is verbal or writen and underscores
the recipients strengths and worth;
2. Quality time is more of a conversation, which per-
haps feels like coaching. The recipient benefts by
the positive afrmation of value, but also leaves
feeling optimistic about possibilities and opportu-
nities.
3. Gifs, perhaps in the form of a pen or bonus, or
concert tickets.
4. Acts of Service; something that helps the recipient,
like budgeting to upgrade his computer equip-
ment or fnding ofce space for him.
Appreciation need not be elaborate, but manage-
ment must consider the consequence of a lack of
appreciation; an individual does not feel valued, or is
unmotivated to work hard in the future. Why bother,
if less efort ofers the same reward (or lack of it)?
Conversation for Moving On
The Conversation for Moving On is the punctua-
tion that emotionally closes a connection, much like
the period at the end of a sentence.
Such a conversation may come at a retirement party,
or when a project ends; when a team disbands, but
wishes to leave on good terms; or when an employee
leaves for another opportunity. The individuals may
Not all relationships need to go forward. Sometimes, when
things just are not working out, we have to take a step back
and disengage from a job, friend, colleague, or business part-
ner.

or may not maintain connection in the future, but
usually allow for the possibility.
A termination is such a conversation. One young hire
let his late-night party lifestyle get in the way of his
studying for a training exam and was terminated.
(This was a patern of behavior about which he had
been warned.) The manager ended the termination
meeting by advising the young man that something
about this one situation did not work for him at this
time and suggested he should fgure out why so that
he could meet expectations in his next opportunity.
She also invited the young man, sincerely, to keep in
touch and let her know where he went with his career.
This conversation showed tremendous emotional
intelligence on the part of the manager; she neither
demeaned nor upbraided the young man, nor did
she withdraw from him professionally all of which
would have been emotionally difcult for him. Rather,
she created a conversation that moved them past an
unworkable situation into a workable one. Lef with
his dignity, the young man learned from the experi-
ence and found a position beter suited to him.
More remarkably, the two felt positively enough about
the outcome that they did maintain professional con-
tact, comfortably.
The Journey
Much of the success of a conversation comes down
to communication styles; but also the emotional intel-
ligence to adapt.
High Dominant communicators will jump eagerly
into Conversations for Action they enjoy action and
momentum but typically fnd a Conversation for
Structure tedious.
High Infuential types likely fnd a Conversation for
Connection easy they meet new people, exercise
their knowledge and powers of persuasion but they
may fnd Conversations for Commitment difcult if
the results are not of their choosing; their infuence
has failed.
The High Stability communicator will not leap into
a Conversation for Commitment, because they do
not make snap decisions. Once convinced, they will
commit fully; yet will be daunted by Conversations
for Creating New Possibilities, as possibilities are dis-
ruptive (in a positive way) rather than stable.
Finally, the High Compliant communicators will-
ingly participate in Conversations for Accountability;
accountability and compliance are close cousins. That
same communicator will try to avoid a Conversation
for Confict Resolution, as confict and defance are
also close cousins.
Each of the communication styles is purposeful and
useful.
It appears to be hard work to master emotional intel-
ligence, values, and communication styles; but skilled
leaders take time to master those foundations through
conscious practice and efort. Momentum and
growth do not occur naturally; they are created and
maintained by skilled communicators, and through
meaningful conversation.
g g g g
Features of the Book
Reading Time: 4 Hours, 225 pages
With these strategies, I have a tool to lead conver-
sations in purposeful directions and not get fustered
and frustrated, said Oracle executive Rod Hanby in
praise of Shawn Hayashis Conversations for Change.
This quick-reading book features dozens of case stud-
ies from Ms. Hayashis years of consulting at Fortune
500 companies, and also at smaller organizations.
The reader may simply absorb the book and its prin-
ciples, or, use it as a tool for self assessment. The book
includes a free online assessment through Hayashis
company, The Professional Development Group. The
10 to 15-minute assessment asks the readers to rank
themselves on personality traits (Bold and Talk-
ative, Shy and Reserved, etc.).
Hayashi walks the reader through each of the con-
versation styles, with both anecdotal and practical
information. Each chapter includes a list of situations
that call for a particular conversation; for example,
holding a Conversation for Breakdown, aimed at
motivating a person or team that is not meeting objec-
tives. Each chapter as well features Phrases and

Questions to Start a Conversation in the case of a
breakdown, phrases like It seems to me we are stuck.
Do you see it that way too?
As the book comes to its close, it features a When the
Conversation Changes Journey Map, a handy job-aid
that summarizes the foundations for every conversa-
tion, and the continuum of the 12 conversations.
The book is best read start to fnish; the conversa-
tions are meant to proceed linearly. Two people must
achieve connection before creating new possibilities;
a conversation for action before a conversation for
accountability.
The book is aimed at business readers, but is useful
to readers at all levels, from rank-and-fle employees
to top management. The case studies involve employ-
ees at all levels, like young employees who must seek
organizations that match their values; and top man-
agers who must hold a Conversation for Change with
an entire organization in a company meeting.
Contents
Part I: Foundations For Every Conversation
Chapter 1: Emotional Intelligence
Chapter 2: Values: Workplace Motivators
Chapter 3: Communication Styles
Part II: The 12 Conversations
Chapter 4: Overview of the 12 Conversations
Chapter 5: Conversation for Connection
Chapter 6: Conversation for Creating New Possibili-
ties
Chapter 7: Conversation for Structure
Chapter 8: Conversation for Commitment
Chapter 9: Conversation for Action
Chapter 10: Conversation for Accountability
Chapter 11: Conversation for Confict Resolution
Chapter 12: Conversation for Breakdown
Chapter 13: Conversation for Withdrawal and Disen-
gagement
Chapter 14: Conversation for Change
Chapter 15: Conversation for Appreciation
Chapter 16: Conversation for Moving On
Chapter 17: Puting It All Together: The Conversation
Map


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