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Im decisive and its easy for me to set my sights on the future. I
dont rely on other peoples advice much. I focus on whats next, I
dont look back, and I deal with emotional and other fallout without
much fuss.
Im not great at self-starting and I can get easily derailed. If Im
stressed, I overthink things and end up procrastinating. I have
trouble getting over setbacks, and what other people think of me is
very important.
If the first statement fits you, youre action oriented, according to a theory
called Personality Systems Action (PSI) which focuses on emotional
regulation and coping skills. You are likely to initiate action under
demanding circumstancesput another way, you're a clutch player. But if
the second statement captures you in broad strokes, you are state-
oriented, and declaring your independence may be a challenge. These
peopleamounting to roughly half of usare very reactive to negative
cues, have trouble managing their negative emotions, and do best when
someone is giving them directives.
But heres the good news: Once you realize that you're state-oriented,
Tech Support
Relationships in the digital age
by Peg Streep
5 Steps to Launching Your New Life
Research-based tips for reinvention, starting today.
Published on July 1, 2014 by Peg Streep in Tech Support
Is there a decision youre putting off, or a change in your life that
you want to make but youre feeling too angsty to make it
happen? Do you keep asking everyone for advice that leaves
you more confused than ever about what, if anything, you ought
to do?
Maybe its time to declare your independence.
Im not suggesting you go off the grid in a hideout on a
mountain. But sometimes, youve got to be able to go it alone
for you and by you. If youre tired of running in circles or feeling stuck, maybe its time to take a different
tack.
Here are 5 strategies drawn from research to get you going:
1. Know how youll react to stress.
When a decision looms and you feel under the gun, which of these statements describes you best?
Peg Streep, author or coauthor of
nine books, is a New York City based
writer currently working on a book
about the Millennial generation.
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On July 4th, Im reminded of how divided we are
around the notion of how to define 'American.'
Sam Louie, MA, LMHC
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there are pro-active things you can do. Research by Sander L. Koole and
Daniel L. Fockenberg suggests that by working consciously to change your
emotional contextthinking of a relaxing time in your life when youre
stressed to the max, for examplecan help you become as independent
and actually more unresponsive to negative cues than action-oriented
peers. By seeking the support of those you trust, combined with a
conscious awareness of where you ultimately want to end up, youll find
yourself more capable of decisive action.
2. Take on your own fear of loss.
All human beings are hardwired to be loss aversive; it just comes with the
territory, as the Nobel Prize-winning work of Amos Twersky and Daniel
Kahneman showed. Among the habits of mind that keep us firmly tethered
is the sunk-cost fallacy, which has to be tackled so that you can actually
consider your options. The sunk-cost fallacy refers to how we focus
exclusively on whatever we have already invested in a job, a situation, or a
relationshiptime, money, effortwhen we think about making a change.
But this stance guarantees that we stay put no matter how unhappy it
makes us. On the face of it, this kind of thinkingIve already got five
years invested in my relationship and all that time will be wasted if I break
it upisnt very logical, since it only guarantees that your investment will
increase over time, but not that your misery will decrease. Once you
recognize the fallacy, you can take steps to actively combat it by thinking of
viable alternatives that would deliver more happiness and satisfaction than
where you are now, and figuring out a route to your new tomorrow.
3. Make sure youre deciding, not sliding.
These terms are taken from a very counterintuitivetrust me, you will be
surprisedstudy on how living together before marriage actually is
predictive of future marital problems. Some 50 to 60 percent of all couples
cohabit before marriage in the United States; most people see it as a tryout
of sorts, a way of seeing whether or not their relationship will be seaworthy
in the long run. It turns out, though, that the effect of living together before
marriage is actually deleteriousstudies have shown that people who
cohabited demonstrated lower levels of commitment, less confidence in
the relationship, and more negative interactions. Scott M. Stanley and his
colleagues have posited that living together actively erodes commitment.
While getting engaged and married force you to confront your choices
consciously and directly, living together is a much more ambiguous state.
People end up living together for a multitude of reasons that have nothing
to do with commitment, like convenience and saving money. And so a
large proportion of people tend to slide into marriage rather than actively
deciding to wed. This is a function of relationship inertia; while it takes real
work to break up with someone youre already living withdealing with a
joint lease, shared belongings, a pet, etc.its easy enough to just slide
into marriage as the next logical step. Ill bet you can name at least one
couple in your social circle who slid into marriage in this way. The problem
is that sliding doesnt raise your level of commitment, either to your partner
or the institution of marriage.
Inertia and the phenomenon of sliding can apply to other parts of your life
as well. Its easy enough to take a job and slide into one promotion after
another without asking yourself whether you really want to be there in the
first place. The takeaway lesson is to remain alert and sensitive to your
decision-making processes, and to review them often and carefully to stay
independent.
4. Plan it out.
Thinking about your future isnt nearly as effective as writing down your
goals. The success born of mapping out your goals turns out not to be an
urban legend, as a study done at McGill and Toronto Universities showed.
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And given the recent study by Pam Mueller and Daniel Oppenheimer
showing that using a laptop to take notes encouraged more shallow
thinking than writing by hand, you should probably do your planning with
pen and paper.
Divide your goals into two columns, one devoted to short-term goals and
the other to long-term goals. Aligning them in this way will help you
determine whether any are in conflict, and permit you to think about what
that conflict means in real terms. For example, if your goal is to make more
money and get promoted at company, how will you reconcile that with
another goal of spending more time with family and friends?
Review the columns and ask yourself how many of your goals are extrinsic
or intrinsic. Extrinsic goals are those which are means to other ends (like
making money); may have been imposed on you by the expectations of
others (such as parents or spouses); or are aimed at garnering social
position and recognition. Intrinsic goals are central to your sense of self.
They define you; are valuable and satisfying in and of themselves; and
contribute to a sense of meaning in your life. Science recognizes that the
healthiest, happiest people are those with largely intrinsic goals and
aspirations.
5. Be sure youre in it to win it.
In her book, Commit To Win, psychology professor (and fellow Psychology
Today blogger) Heidi Reeder suggests the following formula:
(Treasures - Troubles) + Contributions - Choices = Level of
Commitment
I think its a fresh way of looking at commitment. Let me offer a brief
explanation based on Reeder's work:
Treasures are the rewards you derive from an activity, and they may be
intrinsic or extrinsic. Troubles are the prices you pay for those rewards
your long commute which has you miss all your kid's recitals, or your boss'
unfortunate habit of springing last-minute deadlines so that you're always
canceling plans. This part of the equation has you looking at benefits
versus costs.
Contributions are the actions you take in pursuit of a goal. Reeder breaks
them down into four categoriestime, talent, tenderness, and tangibles.
Time and talent are self-explanatory; tenderness refers to your emotional
investment. Tangibles include money and material resources.
In Reeders equation, your contributionswhat you are actively putting in
noware balanced by the choices or alternatives you might be pursuing
instead. That, in turn, will lead to figuring your level of commitment.
The truth is that imagining those alternatives is difficult for many of us and
requires some independent, out-of-the-box thinking. Its here that the sunk-
cost fallacy and other biases often stop us in our tracks as we wrack our
brains to figure out where we could be instead of where we find ourselves.
Declaring personal independence isnt always easy nor is making a
change in your life. But it can be done.

Copyright Peg Streep 2014
VISIT ME ON FACEBOOK: www.Facebook.com/PegStreepAuthor
READ MY NEW BOOK: Mastering the Art of Quitting: Why It Matters
in Life, Love, and Work
READ Mean Mothers: Overcoming the Legacy of Hurt
Love & Lust
Who says marriage is where desire
goes to die?
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Koole, Sander L. and Nils B. Jostmann, Getting A Grip on Your Feelings: Effects
of Action Orientation on Intrusion Affect Regulation, Journal of Personality and
Social Psychology, 87, no. 6 (2004), 974-990.
Stanley, Scott M., Galena Kline Rhoades, and Howard J. Markman, Sliding
Versus Decuding: Inertia and the Premaritial Cohabitation Effect, Family
Relations 55 ()ctober 2006), 499-509.
Morisano, Dominque, Jacob B. Hirsh, Jordan B. Peterson, Robert O. Pihl, and
Bruc M. Shore, Setting, Elaborating, and Reflecting on Personal Goals
Improves Academic Performance, Journal of Applied Psychology, 85, no.2,
(2010), 255-264.
Mueller, Pam S. and Daniel M. Oppenheimer, The Pen is Mightier than the
Keyboard: Advantages of Longhand over Laptop Note Taking, Psychological
Science (April 23,2014) DOI: 10.1177/0956797614524581
Reeder, Heidi. Commit to Win. New York: Hudson Street Press, 2014.
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3-Minute Chakra Test
chakrahealing.com
Take the Free Chakra Test to Find Out Which of Your Chakras Are Weak