Fear of Intimacy - The Wounded Heart of

Codependancy
The simplest and most understandable way to describe intimacy~
is how we open and share ourselves~
with the outside world around us~
That is what intimacy is all about -
allowing another person to see into us,
To see who we really are~
the ability to share who we are ~
with another person
It is hard for many people to share a pure form of intimacy~
because at the core of our relationship ~
with ourselves and who we thin! we really are~
"any of us hold feelings ~
that we are somehow defective, unlovable and unworthy -
because of emotional trauma suffered during childhood~
We were programmed during early childhood
to believe that we were powerless~
#nd withdrawing into our own little world~
became a defense mechanism that helped us to survive~
It is based upon the feeling that we are shameful,
that we are defective, unworthy, and unlovable
$ur co-dependent defence system is an attempt
to protect us from being re%ected, betrayed, and abandoned
because of our unworthy, shameful being
We have a fear of intimacy because we were wounded,
emotionally traumati&ed, in early childhood -
felt re%ected and abandoned -
and then grew up in emotional dishonest societies
that did not provide tools for healing,
or healthy role models to teach us how to overcome that fear
$ur wounding in early childhood caused us to feel
that something was wrong with our being - to'ic shame
- and our societal and parental role models
taught us to !eep up appearances, to hide our shamefulness from
others
To'ic (hame - defective, unlovable
It is very important in recovery to start ma!ing a distinction -
drawing a boundary - between being and behavior )rowing up in
dysfunctional societies taught us to e*uate our worth - and %udge
the worth of others - based upon e'ternal appearances We
e'perienced love as conditional on behavior (omeone who behaves
badly - ie not the way we want them to - is a bad person (omeone
who behaves the way we want them to is a good person
It is very important to stop %udging our worth based upon the
dysfunctional standards of societies that taught us it was shameful
to be imperfect human beings
$ur behavior and additude has been dictated by our childhood
wounds+ it does not mean that we are bad or defective as beings It
means that we are human, it means that we are wounded
It is important to start setting a boundary between being and
behaviour #ll humans have e*ual ,ivine value as beings - no matter
what our behaviour $ur behaviour is learned -and.or reactive to
physical or physiological conditions/ 0ehaviour, and the attitudes
that dictate behaviour, are adopted defences designed to allow us
to survive in the (piritually hostile, emotionally repressive,
dysfunctional environments into which we were born1
#t the core of codependency is to'ic shame - the feeling that we are
somehow inherently defective, that something is wrong our being
The emotional trauma we suffered in early childhood
created within us the feeling of to'ic shame
1We do not need fi'ing We are not bro!en
$ur sense of self, our self perception, was shattered and fractured
and bro!en into pieces, not our True (elf
We thin! and feel li!e we are bro!en
because we were programmed bac!wards
We are not bro!en That is what to'ic shame is
- thin!ing that we are bro!en, believing that we are somehow
inherently defective
#t the foundation of our relationship with our self - and therefore
with other people and life - is the feeling that we will die if we reveal
ourselves to other people, because then they will see our shameful
self I felt deep within me -in those rare instances of brea!ing
through my denial and blaming to a moment of honest clarity/, that
if I let anyone see who I really was, they would run away screaming
in horror at the grotes*ue, deformed, shameful being that I was
$ur lives have been dictated by an emotional defense system that is
designed to !eep hidden the the false belief that we are defective
We use e'ternal things - success, loo!s, productivity, substances - to
try to cover up, overcome, ma!e up for, the personal defectiveness
that we felt caused our hearts to be bro!en and our souls wounded
in childhood #nd that personal defectiveness is a lie That feeling of
to'ic shame is a lie
It was so painful that we had to lie to ourselves about it We were
forced to be emotionally and intellectually dishonest with ourselves
by the codependent defenses we adapted We had to learn how to
live in denial of the pain and shame at the core of our relationship
with ourselves Codependency is a vicious form of ,elayed (tress
(yndrome, of 2ost Traumatic (tress ,isorder -Codependence as
,elayed (tress (yndrome/ The emotional trauma caused us to
disassociate - to not be present in our own s!ins in a conscious way
- and to rationali&e and deny our emotional e'perience of life We
built up a dishonest self image to try to convince ourselves that we
had worth based upon some comparative e'ternal factors3 loo!s,
success, independence -the counterdependent rebel/, popularity
-people pleasers/, righteousness -better than others, right to their
wrong/, or whatever That false self image was not completely
dishonest because it was formed in reaction to some basic aspects
of who we Truly are - but it was a twisted, distorted, polari&ed
perspective of our self adapted in response to to'ic shame for the
purpose of giving us some ego strength, some reason we could feel
better than others
That false self image, the mas!s we learned to wear, is something
we invested a lot of energy into convincing ourselves was the truth
0ut deep inside, in our moments of insight and clarity, we !new we
were hiding a shameful secret $ften we got that to'ic shame about
our being confused in our memories with some behavior in our
childhood that felt shameful It is very common for us to have a
secret that involves a way in which we were abused - physically,
se'ually, etc - that we go to great pains to avoid because we
associate the feeling of to'ic shame with that incident and thin! it
was our fault
We do not want other people to see in to us, because then they will
learn our shameful secret We have a fear of intimacy because our
relationship with our self
is based upon a false belief~
We have spent our lives trying to protect ourselves from a lie about
who we are
We have spent incredible energy in our lives
trying to !eep the to'ic shame hidden
The secret that is !illing us and has made our lives miserable,
the secret we have lived in reaction to - is a lie
We have been compulsively -
because we were reacting to what felt li!e a threat to survival
- living our lives in reaction to our need to !eep secret
who we feel we really are in the deepest part of our being
10ecause as small children we did not have any perspective or
discernment
we were incapable as viewing our parents
as anything other than perfect Higher 2owers
$ur )od and )oddess
by 4obert 0urney "#