Excerpts from: "Single Life Among Us.

" Harper's New Monthly Magazine, XVIII,

(December, 1858, to May, 1859), pp 499-505.
Excerpts from an anonymous response to the "increasing fact among us" of single adults in antebellum
America, published in the era of Walt Whitman's 2nd and 3rd editions of Leaves of Grass. The essay's
bias suggests a female author. While failing to mention same-sex passion at all, it suggests some
reasons people to fail to marry, defends the worthiness of the unmarried against popular prejudice,
criticizes gender deviance among suffragists while assigning them a valuable role, advocates less social
isolation for unmarried men and women, and offers hope for happiness outside of heterosexual marriage.

Mitchell Santine Gould, curator, LeavesOfGrass.Org

[ proportion of the unmarried is increasing ]
. . . When we stand in our own lot and look upon our own kind, whatever we may think of
higher or lower spheres, we can not disguise from ourselves the truth that celibacy is a very
conspicuous and an increasing fact among us. Statistics show that, with the increase of
refinement and expenditure, the number of unmarried persons of ripe years increases . . .
[ most obvious reason for celibacy ]
. . . We must not neglect the most obvious source of celibacy, nor forget that some persons, by
physical temperament or organization, are shut out of the marrying list . . .
[ physical attraction, pros and cons ]
. . . Some are too little attractive by nature to win ready attachment . . . Yet if we are asked candidly to express our opinion as to the average good looks of the married and single, we must
in truthfulness allow that old maids are about as good-looking as their married friends ; and more
than this we must say, in painful honesty, that if we were obliged to designate the very plainest
faces within our circle of privileged acquaintance, we must make the selection from the
connubial ranks . . . What is very comforting, however, is the truth that some of the plainest
people are the pleasantest, and like ugly old mugs of baked clay, are brimful of sparkling juices .
. .so little has mere beauty in a man to do with winning feminine favor, that the pet belle is far
more likely to be fascinated by a manly will and commanding intellect in a very rough exterior
than by any model Adonis with a complcxion as fair and skin and character as soft as her own.
[ priced out of marriage by income ]
It is society that makes or mars matches in the main, for young people tend very readily to
love and marriage when left to their own affinities. The social law at once calls their inclinations
before its stern tribunal, putting to the young romancers two momentous questions : first, how
they expect to support a family ; and, secondly, how they expect to keep their social position or
to elevate it . . . the bread question in matrimony, and is so important that wise Thomas Buckle
declares that the average number of marriages is in proportion to the price of bread. With bread,
however, many other things are thought needful, and in all communities at all beyond the rude
necessities of backwoods life, the cost of the modest comforts of housekeeping is such as to put a
mighty check to the matrimonial visions of hosts of young men, or to adjourn them to an
indefinite future. [ . . . The young are] so forewarned in the school of prudence as to close their
gates against the dear invasion, and lead multitudes either to absent themselves from female
society, or to enter it with the feeling that, as a matter of course, they are to be but lookers-on as

at a show of fruits which the spectator must not touch nor take.
[ unrealistic lifestyle expectations ]
In one point of view, the costliness of living presses with great severity upon young people in
this country, by raising the general standard of expectation without by any means raising
proportionately the average of means . . . The consequence is that in America, especially so far
as our women are concerned, the standard of average expectation rises far beyond the standard of
wealth, and society is full of young ladies whose tastes are wholly out of keeping with their
domestic condition and prospects. Their evident desire for a delicate way of life at once alarms
the unintending class of suitors, and discourages the very habits of thrift and self-reliance that
might make them helpers of worthy young husbands through years of modest frugality to years
of peaceful independence. It is somewhat appalling to look into our public schools and see the
thousands of white-handed, finely-dressed girls, and to ask how many of them can find husbands
who can properly provide them with the silks, velvets, and jewels which they are in the habit of
looking upon as things to be had as a matter of course. Too many of them have wholly
unrepublican ideas of true social dignity, and cherish the foolish notion that labor is not genteel,
and prefer to coquette with some fop who has not brain nor pluck enough to earn his salt, rather
than to smile upon some manly young fellow whose hard hand is ready and able to work out a
worthy lot for a wife, and in the end adorn industry with grace and refinement.
[ unable to find worthy match ]
. . . we surely believe that not a few people remain unmarried because they can not love any one
whom they can win . . . It may be said of vast numbers of noble women that, from misfortune or
seclusion, they have never met with manly natures congenial with their own, and, rather than
mate with clowns or dotards, they prefer to be alone in what, comparatively speaking, is to them
single blessedness.
[ already wedded to ideals possible homophobia ]
. . .we do take sides most cordially with the noble men and womcn who are single from a love
higher than any that yet calls them to wedlock, against the vulgar herd who marry merely for the
sake of marriage, and who presume to make their grossness or time-serving the reason for
decrying the manly dignity and womanly delicacy that they are incapable of understanding ;
while they speak of old bachelors, and especially old maids, as among the monstrosities of nature
and the wrecks of humanity.
[ luck of the draw ]
These hints as to the influence of nature, society, and opinion upon single life do, we are aware,
leave one great element unnamed an element of contingency which it is veiy hard to define.
Time and chance happen to all, and a certain luck has much to do alike with marrying and not
marrying . . .
[ dignity of the single woman ]
. . . The true woman can never miss her destiny while loyal to her soul, her position, and her
God. If one path is closed, another will open to her ; and if truthfulness and self-respect move her
to reject such overtures of marriage as are made to her, she has a brave purpose that can never
leave her without influence, and genial affections that can never leave her lonely and unblessed.

We insist upon the importance of having our daughters so taught and disciplined that they can
pass their time with comfort and efficiency without a husband and an establishment, and, if need
be, can maintain themselves with dignity and cheerfulness by a culture that wins bread, and good
name, and a courtesy and grace that will never fail to win for them friends.
[ gender transgression ]
We have little liking, indeed, for masculine women; and if we are looking for beard and
pantaloons, we prefer to look for them to men. Nor have we any fondness for those women
whose speech is bearded and pantalooned, while their chins are smooth and their garments
unequivocal . . . She, too, who asks no marriage vows of man, but only claims his just sympathy
and deference, prevails far more readily with a woman's girdle than an Amazon's breast-plate . . .
[ good versus bad role models ]
. . . Too many old bachelors abandon love and take to their bank-book and bill of fare not to
name baser indulgences for their solace ; while not a few old maids sharpen their noses and
their tongues at once by scenting out other people's infirmities, and cutting up their neighbors'
characters . . . but, on the contrary, we have rather a liking for old bachelors, on the whole,
and a decided fondness for old maids. We believe that most of these, of either sex, seek something to love and something to do other than their own sweet self, and that the best of them
are the blessing of the whole circle of kindred and friends a light to the Church as well as to
the hearth-stone.
[ value of altruism ]
The unmarried, as being such, generally have more time at their command, and therefore are
freer to give it to voluntary pursuits or studies. They may thus meet a want most difficult of all
to meet in this busy country, the want of a class of persons whose leisure enables them to
cultivate the refined tastes and humane interests that are so likely to be crowded out by pressing
family cares. We know that a certain degree of pecuniary independence is necessary to enable a
single man or woman to do all that a true culture dictates for the social circle ; yet how often ,
do we find a person with very moderate income becoming the centre of a genial and intellectual
circle, bringing the treasures of art and literature to enrich the whole coterie or village ! So a
true-hearted bachelor becomes one of the intellectual priestliood of society, and many a maiden
sister wears her modest robes with the inspiration and self-sacrifice of a priestess without waiting
for ghostly hands to give her consecration. The good done for others reacts upon the doer, and
the time well spent relieves the spender of a heavy burden while weaving the thread into rich
tissues of enduring beauty and worth. Let this truth be remembered by the unmarried, whatever
their condition, whethcr able to dignify leisure by beautiful tastes or called to cheer a homely lot
by faithful service, that they may thus pass the hours without killing them, and win lasting goods
from vanishing opportunities.
[ marriage also has its burdens ]
There are cases, indeed, of great hardship, in which unmarried persons, especially women, are
painfully dependent upon others, and are tempted to regard themselves as doomed to drudge for
daily bread. But even such cases are less frequent than cases of wives and mothers fearfully
overtasked by large families of children and stinted means, and it must be remembered,
moreover, that the maiden sister or aunt in a family who is apt to think herself a burden is a

decided help, and may be a constant comfort if she can only rise above her morbid repining and
be a sister of consolation to the whole household.
[ reduce isolation of the unmarried ]
. . . It is not only foolish but inhuman to regard the sociality of man and woman as limited to the
conjugal and parental relation, or to try to shut out from the unmarried the charm of that mutual
delight which masculine and feminine minds take in each other's company. Bachelors are
generally sound on this subject, and the best specimens of them make up for their isolation by
frequenting the best society, and enjoying the friendship and conversation of interesting and
gifted women . . . Unmarried women of culture, especially, enjoy the society of intellectual and
genial men, and the liking is generally mutual.
[ dignity of unmarried aspirations ]
Let it be so, and it will be found that society gains vastly by the combination that secures a new
and elevating clement beyond the sway of crude and greedy girls and their match-making
mammas. Let daughters and mothers have a fair chance at their appropriate game. Yet let it not
be forgotten that the world is larger than their little field of artillery, and that the human heart has
some aspirations that do not end in wedding-cake and the plain gold ring.
[ reduce isolation of the unmarried ]
We like to see unmarried women take their full social rights and mingle freely in general society,
instead of flocking together like a parcel of geese, under the charge of some sentinel gander.
[ fate of bachelors vs spinsters ]
. . . a single man outside of his home is not different from his married neighbor, while a woman's
whole career is changed by her celibacy . . .
[ value of manly suffragists ]
. . . We especially dislike the grim centurions of this movement, who are trying to gather a
phalanx of strong-minded spinsters under their lead. We like them, however, probably far better
than the sensible kind of single women do, for these excellent spirits are not separatists but
cordial liberals earnest to have their own place in their own sex, and in all its sacred relations
to our common humanity . . .
[ reduce isolation of the unmarried ]
. . . we do not like nunneries and monasteries, but prefer to have the single brothers and sisters
humanized by closer affinity with our common lot, instead of being made more odd and ghostly
by being kept by themselves.