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Written by
Harry J. Chong
Chapter 1: Introducing Charlton Saintcloud
We find ourselves in the North of Canada in a fancy but strange city called Montenegro. In the middle
of this city is a fancy school named Saint Rogers High. It is a high school that's been bought out and
paid for by Rogers Communications, a major telecom, and cable company -- so the rumor goes.
The hallways are filled with kids from ages 13 to 18. They're astoundingly pretty, and talk in an
equally pretty tone. However, some don't find themselves as lucky. Some of them are outcasts. One
person in particular that sticks out is Charlton Saintcloud.
Charlton Saintcloud is what you'd call transgendered. He has the brain of a dude and the body
of a girl. A real mismatch, and a helluva difficult dilemma when you live in a world, where people get
confused in telling the difference between a Nintendo and Playstation.
Actually, Charlton ain't even his real, legal name. No, people used to call him Charlize. That
was his birth name. He was named after, who else, but Charlize Theron. Charlize recently became
Charlton by arm twisting the school's administration, and threatening to sue for $200.00.
Yeah, Charlton didn't take no crap from nobody. He was even less inclined to the bully
population swimming around his space. (Do bulls swim?) Today Charlton found himself being dragged
out of the guy's washroom. They told him he wasn't a guy, and that he should use the place where they
store tampons.
Charlton saw nothing wrong with using the guy's washroom. He only went in when no one was
there, because while he was a rather tough transgendered cookie, he was considerate of other people's
feelings, and didn't want to impose.
Yet they picked on him.
There was this big, angry, stocky fellow named Tarmul that loved giving Charlton a bad time.
Right now he, and his pals, were dunking Charlton's head into the girl's toilet bowl. They got the idea
from watching TV. TV always gave them, as they claimed, hilarious ideas.
Charlton kicked his legs, and braced his arms against the rim of the toilet bowl.
"Gaaaaaaaaah!" said Charlton. "It tastes like you'd imagine!"
"Enjoy it!" said Tarmul. "For it will be your new, and only toilet, once we break your spirit!"
"Why would you want to break my spirit?!" said Charlton. "I'm one of you guys!"
"You ain't no guy," said Tarmul. "You're just an ugly chick, who is having a temporary identity
crisis! This is gender dysphoria more than anything else!"
"Who taught you that?!" said Charlton.
Charlton's head was dunked into the toilet. They gave him some air by flushing out the bowl.
Then after Tarmul and his crew got bored, they left, and went for lunch. Charlton gathered what
remained of his senses, and sat down on the floor. Soaked from head to neck, he got his backpack, and
decided to go outside for some much needed fresh air.
Chapter 2: Introducing Manny Morowitz
Charlton was outside breathing in the fresh, cold as an ice cube Canadian air. He had his hand in his
pockets, staring up at the clouds.
"Hey, queer," said a voice. "What're you up to?"
Charlton looked down to see a dwarf. A rather normal looking normal dwarf as far as dwarves
go, but still a dwarf. This dwarf was named Manny Morowitz, and he was 15 years old. Same as his
transgendered classmate.
"I'm not a homosexual," said Charlton. "I told you. It's like Freaky Friday."
"Ha," said Manny. "I'm not calling you that because I think you're gay. I'm calling you that
'cause you're strange. Like me. We're both strange."
Charlton didn't like being called strange. Manny went into his pocket, and took out a packet of
cigarettes.
"You want one?" he asked.
"No, thanks," said Charlton. "I don't want lung cancer."
"I don't want lung cancer either," said Manny, "but I figure by the time I catch it they'll have a
cure ready to go. After all, we're living in modern times. I own a pocket computer. A FREAKING
POCKET COMPUTER."
"A smart phone?" said Charlton.
Manny lit his cigarette, and started puffing.
"Yeah," said Manny. "That's what they call it."
Charlton sighed.
"What's the matter?" said Manny, leaning against the brickwall. "Tarmul an' his goons picking
on you again?"
"Everyone picks on me," said Charlton. "And if they're not picking on me, they treat me like I'm
invisible, like I don't matter."
"Listen to me," said Manny. "No one in this world matter if you don't got the goods."
"What sorta goods?" said Charlton.
"Scratch, money, riches," said Manny. "You have that and you're made. Otherwise, get the fuck
out."
"Is that my only option?" said Charlton.
"Being sexy helps," said Manny. "How's about you show me some leg? Start wearing a kilt, and
hike it up to show off those hairy legs of yours."
"You're really depressing me," said Charlton.
"Okay, third option," said Manny, "if you wanna have it your way, get real buff, form a little
gang, and become a bully. Fear will get you the respect you want. Now, if you don't want to work out,
you can just find kids smaller than you, and make that your niche. You know any little punks you can
pick on?"
"Only you," said Charlton.
"Whoa," said Manny. "I may be small, but I'm tough as nails, man. I'll punch you in your Sandra
Bollocks, and then when you're down give you a kick to the chin."
"I'm just saying," said Charlton. "You're the smallest guy in our school."
"Fine," said Manny. "So, being an asshole won't work for you 'cause you don't got the guns to
back it up. But then that means you'll just have to accept the way things are. Keep your head low, and
wait until you graduate."
"What if Tarmul goes to the same university as me?" said Charlton.
"Shit!" said Manny. "That kid is dumber than a bag of rocks. He won't be going to university. I
mean he's 18 years old and in the same grade as us. Can you believe that? An 18 year old in the 10th
grade. They kick you out when you're 21 years old. If he don't make marks this year, he is doomed to
working as jizz mopper."
"Don't they usually say flipping hamburgers?" said Charlton.
"No way," said Manny. "Jizz mopper. Flipping hamburgers is way to complex for Tarmul.
Cooking food takes skill."
"Jizz mopping doesn't?" said Charlton.
"You can burn a hamburger," said Manny, "you can't burn a floor. With a mop anyway."
"Knowing him," said Charlton, "he'd find a way."
"Ha, yeah," said Manny. "What a dumbass. I hate his guts. What is up with his name too?
Tarmul? He's not even from the Middle East. His family is from Texas. I saw a video of him on
YouTube riding a bull for the Calgary Stampede."
"Oooh, I hate him even more," said Charlton.
"Why?" said Manny. "How is that possible? I think we were at maximum hate levels here."
"I don't like the cruel treatment of animals," said Charlton. "Animals should not be eaten, and
they should not be ridden on."
"For reals?" said Manny. "You're a vegetarian? Did not know that."
"Gonna make fun of me?" said Charlton. "Because I love animals?"
"Nah," said Manny. "I respect your beliefs. I'm an ethical omnivore myself. I only eat meat that
is certified humane. You know, where the chickens get to roam outside in the sunshine, and play. THEN
THEY DIE VIA CONTROLLED ATMOSPHERE KILLING, AND GET IN MY BELLY FOR DINDIN. MWAH-HA-HA!"
"You should try becoming a vegetarian instead," said Charlton. "You'll be less inclined to yell at
random, and your evil laughter will become normal laughter."
"I'm sorry," said Manny. "I dno't know what got into me. A bad burrito, maybe."
Manny flicked his cigarette into a trash can.
"Welp," he said, "I gots to go. See yah later, kiddo."
"Later," said Charlton.
Chapter 3: Introducing Alvie McBride
Alvie McBride was an albino. He was some sort of genius too, a champion at chess, a hacker, and
tinkerer, but people mostly knew him as Alvie the Albino. He hated that nickname, and his incessant
stutter when he talked to girls.
As of this hour, he was assigned to be Charlton's lab partner. They were dissecting a frog.
Charlton tried refusing on ethical grounds, but was told he's fail the project, and hurt his marks.
Charlton did not want to work his marks. He figured getting high marks, and a scholarship, would be
his ticket out of stinktown.
"Fuckin' hell," said Alvie. "This is disgusting. But oh so fascinating."
"Please," said Charlton, covering his mouth. "Jus' make this quick. I'm about throw up."
Alvie had no problem disssecting the frog. He diced it up like he was a surgeon. All the bits and
bobs fascinated him. He observed how they all worked together, like a team.
"Into the mouth, and out the anus," he was heard remarking.
"Stop," said Charlton. "Please."
"Hey, you know, I just had a thought," said Alvie. "When two people kiss, technically speaking,
they're putting their sphincters together. That's right. A mouth is a sphincter, just like your butt-hole."
Chartlon ran away to the garbage can, and threw up. Alvie barely glanced over his shoulder.
"Jesus," he said, "what a weak stomach!"
Alvie picked up the frog, and pretended like it was dancing. He was singing, "Hello, my baby!
Hello, my honey! Hello, my rag time gal!"
Just then Charlton returned.
"Oh, God," said Charlton. "Stop playing with it. It's disrespectful."
"Who cares?" said Alvie. "It's dead. Also, I don't think frogs have souls. So, it's not like he's up
there in heaven watching us play with his dead body."
"Not 'we'," said Charlton. "You."
"So, just me, is it?" said Alvie. "That means only I should receive grades for cutting up this
amphibian."
Charlton sighed.
"Also," said Marguerite, "you told me I'm the most beautiful woman in the world."
Lance seemed to choke on his food. "Um, of course! You are! No one is more beautiful than
you. Your beauty is like the light, reflecting off the rain on a cool summer's day."
"Oh, you really think that?" said Charlton with a grin.
"Don't get started on the guy with the shotgun," said Lance.
Charlton lowered his head.
"No, no, I wasn't being serious," said Lance. "I was demonstrating to you the power of having a
shotgun. Mhm, shotguns are very useful. You can hunt bears, rob banks, get rid of your bullies,
etcetera."
"No guns!" said Marguerite. "Remove your shotgun from the table!"
Lance put away the shotgun.
"And where did you get a shotgun anyway?" said Marguerite. "What is this? The United States
of America?"
"Hey, not a lot of people know this," said Lance, "but you can own guns in Canada. If they're
for hunting and such. You just gotta apply for a license. I'm not sure why more people don't have guns.
They're quite fun. I once shot down an airplane while I was drunk."
"You shot down an airplane?" said Charlton. "While drunk?"
"Whatwhatwhatwhat?!" said Lance. "Who said anything about shooting down an airplane?!?!?!
I never did that! You can't throw me into prison! You have no evidence!"
"Please sit down," said Marguerite.
Lance retracted his pointed finger, and sat back down.
"Er, now," said Lance to Charlton, "what can we do about this bully problem you have? Besides
giving you a gun?"
"How about a pair of nunchuks?" said Charlton. "I can defend myself with kung-fu."
"Sorry," said Lance. "Nunchuks are illegal."
"And guns aren't?" said Charlton.
"Listen," said Lance. "I don't make up these rules. A lot of times the law doesn't make any
sense. In America you can buy a submachine gun, but you'll be damned if you want a chocolate egg
with a toy inside. Yeah, that's right. Submachine gun legal, but chocolage egg with toy inside illegal.
Like what?! Are they living in looney land?!"
"Lance," said Marguerite, "you really must stop picking on the USA. You know I have some
relatives living there? They're very nice people. You remember Uncle Herman? He rides around on that
little scooter of his. He fried us up a turkey when we went down there last Christmas."
"Yes, good ol' Uncie Herman," said Lance. "He introduced me to prickly pear. Mmmm, prickly
pear."
"Mom, dad," said Charlton. "Can I go up to my room? I don't have much of an appetite."
"If you ate some meat you'd have more of an appetite," said Lance.
"I'm not going to eat the flesh of an innocent animal," said Charlton.
"How do you know it's innocent?" said Lance. "What if it was antisemitic?"
"And you would know if it was antisemitic?" said Charlton. "When they don't even speak our
language?"
"93% of communication is body language," said Lance. "When I watch those geese walking
around, ooooh, I get awfully suspicious."
"Okay, dad," said Charlton. "I'm going to go now.'
He then got up from his seat, and left the dining table. He went upstairs into his bedroom. It was
a neat looking room. The walls were orange, and there were various quotes on it colored in turquoise.
Oscar Wilde was one of Charlton's favorite authors. He had a poster of him on his ceiling, above his
bed.
For the uninitiated, here are some quotes of Oscar Wilde: "We are all in the gutter, but some of
us are looking at the stars." and "To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all."
Fuck. That's depressing.
"Well," said Charlton, lying down onto his bed, "what a day this has been, Mr. Wilde. I got into
my very first fight. And I lost to a girl. I am now questioning my manliness. But you weren't very
manly, were you? You were quite gay and stylish. You greatly remind me of a pimp, or Stephen fry."
Now, you might be asking yourself, "Why is Charlton talking to Oscar Wilde?"
You see, Oscar Wilde was no ordinary person to Charlton. Oscar Wilde was Charlton's
imaginary best friend. They went on many adventures while he daydreamed, and when he dozed off to
sleep. They were great chums. Charlton was sure they'd be buddies were they to exist in the same time.
Tonight Charlton went to bed, dreaming of Oscar Wilde. They went on a gay (i.e. happy)
adventure in Cloud Land, where everything was perfect. You felt loved, and accepted, and there were
no sorrows in the world whatsoever. Everyone was treated equally. No one got their heart broken,
everyone was rich, all the people were kind, and beautiful, and most of all there were no bullies. It was
a lot like Sweden.
Chapter 6: Biting Back
The fire alarms went off. Was the school having a drill, or, God, yes, was the building actually on fire?
All the students ran outside, and gathered in the field. Everyone grouped into their own groups, while
Charlton stood alone.
But in a moment he was joined by his dwarf pal, Manny, and his albino, lab buddy, Alvie.
"Yo," said Manny. "What's going on?"
"Not much," said Charlton. "What's the frog killer doing here?"
"I'm not a frog killer," said Alvie. "That thing was already dead. I was just being irreverent."
"Fine," said Charlton, "whatever you say."
"Yo," said Manny, "don't give Alvie such a hard time. He is not as big a doofus as you think.
The man knows his stuff."
"Is that so?" said Charlton. "What kinda stuff?"
"Well, well, well," said Alvie, "I'm writing a software program that takes people's faces, and
puts them onto naked bodies."
"What the hell is the point of that?" said Charlton.
"If you must ask what the point is," said Alvie, "you'll never understand."
"You're a real horn dog, eh?" said Manny.
"No," said Alvie. "In fact, I'm asexual. I have no lustful desires in any manner."
"Then what's with the smutware?" said Charlton. "Are you working for Hugh Hefner?"
"Listen," said Alvie. "My software is very special. It analyzes faces, finding the most beautiful
ones, and then puts them on equally attractive naked bodies. You can photographically make perfect
men, and women this way."
"Yes, but what is the point?" said Charlton.
"Money!" said Alvie. "Do you know how much money I make on these photos a day?"
"What, like, $20?" said Charlton.
"No," said Alvie. "More like $5,000. $5,000 a freaking day from advertisements."
"Christ!" said Manny. "Give me a loan!"
"No, I can't," said Alvie. "I'm using it to fund more science projects of mine. I want to be a
world famous scientist, and I'm going to do that by inventing something as ubiquitous as the light bulb
one day. I just need to research more, and use my creative juices."
Alvie took out a can of soda called "Creative Juices" and began drinking it. The fizzy liquid was
bright green.
"Man, oh, man," said Manny. "I can't believe you're this rich. It boggles my mind. Fucking
"You have no evidence against me!" said Finley. "I didn't do it!"
Finley pushed Charlton out of the way, and ran away with his arms in the air.
"Come back!" cried Charlton.
But it was too late. Finley had disappeared. Charlton went back to his table, and sat down with
his chums, Manny, and Alvie.
"What happened?" said Manny. "We saw Finley run off."
"Erm, I'm not sure," said Charlton. "I think he did it. I don't really know. I tried to make him
confess, but he wouldn't gimme anything. Normally, I can tell whether someone's lying by reading their
facial gestures, but he is a tricky one. His fantastic autism threw me off. Perhaps Finley truly is a
mastermind, like Tom Cruise?"
Alvie looked over his shoulder.
"Let's talk about this later," Alvie whispered. "The ears have walls."
"What?" said Manny.
"Damnit, I mean the walls have ears," said Alvie, correcting himself.
Charlton took notice of the students across from him, whispering, and putting their hands by
their mouths as if passing along secrets. He suspected that he was in for more than he bargained for -and then some.
Chapter 8: Mrs. Pumpernickel
The next day Charlton, Manny, and Alvie met in the library. They went to the back where they could
discuss the case of the school fire.
"Alright," said Charlton, "I think I'm going to turn in Finley."
"You're gonna snitch?" said Manny. "I didn't think you were the type. Don't be a snitch bitch."
"I'm not a snitch," said Charlton. "I'm a whistle blower. Know the difference."
"what's the difference?" said Alvie.
"A whistle blower snitches on someone for something important," said Charlton. "A snitch
snitches for the slightest reason. You know when you're kid, and then your sister tells on you because
you stole a cookie before dinner? That is a snitch."
"Oooh, that little bitch," said Alvie.
"It's an example," said Charlton. "I don't have a sister."
"Still, your story got me riled up," said Alvie. "I really like cookies. They're such a delicious
treat."
Alvie went into his pocket, and took out a cookie to eat. He bit into it, making loud crunch
noises. Crumbs dropped all about the floor.
"You're making a mess," said Manny. "And if you don't have cookies for the rest of us, then
don't you be eating that while we're hungry."
Alvie distributed cookies to Manny and Charlton.
"Mmm," said Manny while eating a jellybean cookie. "This is a good cookie. You used those
tiny, little, gourment jelly beans didn't you? It's like a dozen flavors in my mouth at a time. I can taste
the cinnamon bun and pears."
"Let's get back on topic," said Charlton. "What do I do about Finley?"
"Bah, forget it," said Manny. "Don't put your neck on the line. Let him do whatever he wants. If
he really did it they'll catch him eventually."
"Okay," said Charlton, "but --"
At this moment the school's librarian, Miss Pumpernickel, appeared. She marched between the
aisle of juvenile fiction, and confronted the trio.
"Excuse me," said Miss Pumpernickel. "Do I hear talking in my library?"
Miss Pumpernickel had her hands on her hips. She was looking very aggressive. Her glasses
looked like cat eyes, and had those strings you attach to them, so they don't fall off. Miss Pumpernickel
wasn't more than 35 years old, but she had short, very gray hair. The books had aged her somehow. Or
was it the people who borrowed them?
"Hello!" said Miss Pumpernickel. "Are we deaf here? I ask you three a question."
"Look, Miss Pumpernickel," said Charlton. "Here's the thing --"
"RUN!" said Manny. "She doesn't know who we are! She's a loner of a woman!"
Before Charlton fully knew what was going on, Manny, and Alvie were leggin' it top speed.
They race out of the library, and escape the clutches of their crabby librarian. Manny, not one to be left
out, somersaulted through Miss Pumpernickel's wide open legs, and began running too. Miss
Pumpernickel tried giving chase, but tripped on a book (called the Alchemist) laying on the ground, and
fell onto her face.
It went splat!
Chapter 9: Lilian Rises
Charlton, Manny, and Alvie escaped to the outside world. After running away from the librarian, they
found themselves in a field just outside of the school's jurisdiction by the rusty train tracks. They
gathered by a half dead tree to catch their breath. Charlton was resting his hands on his knees.
"Jesus Christ," he said. "Next time you guys decide to leg it, let me know ahead of time, huh?"
"And how would we let you know," said Alvie, "without giving away our plan?"
"Gimme a signal or something," said Charlton. "I dunno, wink at me."
"But I did wink at you," said Manny. "I did this."
Manny winked at Charlton. With both eyes. At the same time.
"What? What's that?" said Charlton.
"I'm winking at you," said Manny.
He did it again.
"That's not winking," said Charlton. "You can only wink one eye at at time. It looks like you're
just blinking."
"I thought I was emphasizing," said Manny. "Two heads are better than one, that sort of thing,
right?"
"No," said Charlton.
"I really think you're being pedantic here," said Alvie. "Because you can close one eye at a time
without it being a wink. A wink is a wink based on its timing. When you close your eye you close it just
a little longer than usual, and it's coupled with a facial expression. So, sure, Manny did two eyes at the
same time, but you should've been able to grok from his timing, and facial expression that he was doing
a double wink."
Charlton literally pulled at his hair.
"It's not the same when you close both eyes!" he said.
He stuck up his middle finger.
"Look at this," he said. "When I stick up my index finger it becomes a peace sign. See! One
extra thing added in makes the difference."
"I think you'll find yourself wrong," said Alvie. "That is actually an insulting gesture as well."
"What say you?" said Manny.
"Nay," said Alvie. "That is interpreted as a 'V for victory' sign in the beloved United Kingdom.
Which basically means 'up yours, hoser.'"
Charlton folded his arms.
"My point still stands," he said.
"Hey, you guys," said Finley.
"I'm not joking around," said Manny. "I mean it. This gorilla could tear me limb from limb. And
that's no way to do, is it? I want to die while shagging a cute bird, not being torn apart by this dirty
gorilla."
"Ew!" said Finley. "You want to have sex with an animal! Bestiality! Bestiality!"
"Listen, Tarmul," said Alvie. "Just put our friend down. I promise I can make it worth your
while."
"Unless you're gonna suck my dick," said Tarmul, "I don't think you will."
"Wait," said Charlton. "So, you're gay now? I did not know that."
"What?" said Tarmul. "I'm not gay. You're gay."
"You're the one who wants to suck my friend's dick," said Charlton.
"Gah, it's an insult," said Tarmul. "I'm being symbolic."
"Am surprised you know what the word 'symbolic' means," said Manny. "After all, you are a
gorilla."
"Shut up, you fucking midget!" Tarmul cried.
He then took up Manny, lifted him above his head, and tossed him as far as his arms would
allow.
As Charlton, Alvie, and Finley gasped at the sight Manny tucked into a ball, and rolled onto the
ground, dispersing his energy, and saving himself from getting injured. He stood up, waddled back to
Tarmul, and put his hands on his hips, even more defiant than before.
"Is that the best you got?" said Manny.
Finley, seeing Manny's manly courage, stepped in front, and stepped up to Tarmul too.
"YAAAH!" said Finley. "Is that the best you got?! You ugly, stupid, gay gorilla!"
Tarmul did not reply verbally. He only replied by snapping his fingers, and pointing at Finley. In
a moment Tarmul and his crew were all over Finley, smacking him up, while he laid on the ground
curled in a ball.
"Oh, no!" said Charlton. "They're beating up Finley! What do we do?"
"I'll tell you what we do," said Alvie. "We let them wear themselves down, and then when
they're tired, we'll jump in, and finish them off."
"That's a good plan," said Manny. "Why join now? Let them tire themselves out first."
"Serious?" said Charlton. "Is this what we are? A fellow man is having the daylights beaten out
of him, and we're going to wait till the bastards get tired before helping?"
"I'm a dwarf," said Manny. "What can I do? Bite them on the leg? Ah, not a bad idea either...!"
Manny ran straight into the scuffle, hooked himself onto Tarmul's leg, and bit into his juicy calf.
Tarmul screamed in pain. Tarmul managed to kick off Manny, and send him tumbling intot he dirty. He
rolled up his sleeves and marched over him as he was dazed.
"I'm gonna kick your ass," said Tarmul.
Tarmul grabbed Manny, and pulled back his fist for a potentially mighty punch. As Manny
squirmed trying to get free, a figured appeared in the distance. It ran ahead, and charged for Tarmul. It
was but a blur, and then Tarmula felt two metal feet crashing into his thick skull. He was knocked out
cold.
Manny looked up. Lilian Starr stood above him. She put out her hand.
"Need any help?" she said.
Manny gave Lilian his hand and was pulled up.
"Stay here," said Lilian. "I'm going to deal with this.
In a flash Lilian jumped into scuffle. She used her robotic arms, to batter Tarmul's crew, who
was beating on Charlton, Alvie, and Finley. It was easy work for her as she was incredibly athletic. All
the parts of her that weren't robotic looked like they were carved from marble.
In a short amount of time all of Tarmul
"Welp," said Lilian, placing her hands on her hips before a destroyed pile of teenagers, "looks
Outside Saint Rogers High, Tarmul was following Handsome Sam. Handsome Sam led them past the
train tracks, and into the nearby forest. They hiked down a path, and came to circular clearing, where
there was a roaring fire in the middle, a desk, a cabinet, and three chairs: a leather office chair, and two
arm chairs for guests. Also, off to the side, a porta-potty, and a solar powered refrigerator.
"Welcome to my humble abode," said Handsome Sam. "This is where I come to relax, think,
and take a shit in private. Hate taking a shit in public toilets. What's to stop people from reaching under
the stall and yanking away my pants?"
"Hm, so, this is your office then?" said Tarmul. "Do you just leave that fire unattended?"
"Yes," said Handsome Sam. "I dislike those environmentalists telling me to reduce my carbon
footprint."
Handsome Sam picked up a red canister full of gasoline, and poured it into the fire to make it
bigger. He then sat down on his leather chair, and spun around. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
"Christ Almighty, Lord Buddha," said Tarmul. "You are insane."
Handsome Sam banged his fist on his desk.
"I am not insane!" said Handsome Sam. "I'm eccentric, and I have a grand vision for the future.
Please, sit down."
Tarmul sat down in one of the armchairs. Handsome Sam put his fingers together like Angela
Merkel.
"What is this grand vision you speak of?" said Tarmul.
"Like the United States of America, specifically Texas," said Handsome Sam, "I too wish for
world domination, oppression, and conformity."
"Don't you mouth off about Texas," said Tarmul. "It's the best country in the world."
"Simmer down," said Handsome Sam. "I was paying you racists a compliment. Now, listen to
me, Yankee, I have a proposal for you. "
"I'm listening," said Tarmul.
"I want you to be my right hand man," said Handsome Sam. "You're big, and meaty, and
muscular, and the strongest kid I know without morals. What do you think?"
"So, you want me to work for you?" said Tarmul. "What will I get in return?"
"You heard what I told you before," said Handsome Sam. "I'll get you back to the horrific
prestige you once had. And I'll pay you in sandwiches. Do you like sandwiches?"
"Sure do," said Tarmul. "What you got?"
Handsome Sam opened his solar powered refrigerator, and got out a sandwich. He tossed it to
Tarmul casually. Tarmul opened the bread slightly, and looked in to see a feast of meat. He immediately
began eating.
"Mmm, so good," said Tarmul, while licking his lips. "It's drenched in mayo and hot sauce."
"There's more where that came from," said Handsome Sam. "If you join me."
"This is like 80% meat," said Tarmul. "It's mostly meat. I can hardly taste the bread."
"I intended it that way," said Handsome Sam. "I always pack my sandwiches full of meat,
because I like the idea of animals suffering, and dying for my enjoyment."
"Boy, you're evil," said Tarmul, "and antisemitic."
Handsome Sam saluted an imaginary Adolf Hitler.
"SIEG HEIL!" he said. "This means 'hail [to] victory.' Pretty cool, huh? I read about it in a
World War 2 book I borrowed from my friend... Hmph! What an education system we have! They
never even tried teaching us about World War 2 in history class. Those lazy, fucking, idiotic, retarded
teachers. They're all retarded!"
"You're so full of hate," said Tarmul. "I like it."
"Yeahhh, I hate a lot of different things," said Handsome Sam. "Most of all people. Especially
ugly people. Why are they ugly people on this planet? You'd think that evolution would've weeded
"Take this packet to Principal Scooter," said Handsome Sam. "Don't look inside it."
"Is it pornography?" said Tarmul. "Specifically, child pornography? I heard he's a pedophile. He
has that weird moustache."
"No, it's not child pornography," said Handsome Sam. "I mean, I'm evil, but not that evil."
"Alright, cool then," said Tarmul. "I'll take this to the principal."
"Oh, and if you are going to be my right hand man," said Handsome Sam. "Could you talk in a
spirited British accent? I think it will be good if our accents matched."
Tarmul cleared his throat.
"What's all this then?" said Tarmul. "You takin' the piss, mate?"
Handsome Sam scratched his head.
"Nah, forget it," said Handsome Sam. "That accent's too cockney. Just talk in your normal
voice."
"Aye, aye," said Tarmul.
Then he took the large yellow envelope, and fled the forest like a deer.
Chapter 12: Principal Scooter, The Nasty Mongrel
A secretary, hired solely for her looks, went into Principal Scooter's office. Principal Scooter was glad
to see her. In fact, the moment his eye caught her he began salivating. Sure, Secretary Beebs was 250
pounds, and was over the age of 40, but she sure knew how to wear a skirt that little whore-meister.
"'Ello," said Secretary Beebs. "Some ugly, dumb kid dropped of this big yellow envelope."
She handed Principal Scooter the large yellow envelope.
"Oooh," said Principal Scooter. "An envelope that's yellow. This must be important."
"I've no idea," said Secretary Beebs. "I was going to look inside, and not tell you, but it's sealed
up like a virgin."
"Are you a virgin?" said Principal Scooter.
"We've discussed this before," said Secretary Beebs. "I'm saving cherry myself for Justin
Timberlake."
"The singer?" said Principal Scooter.
"And actor," said Secretary Beebs.
"I think he's married," said Principal Scooter.
Secretary Beebs covered her ears, and went, "LALALALA! LALALA! I CAN'T HEAR YOU!"
Principal Scooter rolled his eyes. He got up, and then pried away Secretary Beebs hands off her
ears.
"You can leave now," said Principal Scooter.
He shut his door, and went back to his Ikea brand desk, where sat his large yellow envelope. He
rubbed his hands together, and grabbed the sword-shaped letter opener from his pencil holder. He
opened up the envelope, and dumped the contents.
Several photos fell out. Photos of Principal Scooter, crusader of saving yourself for marriage,
cheating on his non-beloved wife. Principal Scooter nearly lost his pedophile moustache. He picked up
his white mug that read "World's Greatest Dad," put some of his coffee into his mouth, and then spit it
out in shock, spraying it all over his desk.
"Holy mighty fuckballs!" Principal Scooter exclaimed. "How the holy mighty fuckballs did they
get these pictures of me cheating on my no longer attractive wife?!?"
Principal Scooter began breathing heavily.
"Calm down," he told himself. "Maybe this is all just a nightmare. I have to do something to
wake myself up."
Principal Scooter took his stapler, and pressed it against his forehead. He screamed in pain, but
it did not wake him up. This was real, true, honest to goodness reality.
Sincerely,
H.S."
"Hey, wait a minute," said Principal Scooter. "I did save myself for marriage. That's why I'm
cheating on my wife, because I was curious about other women, that and I wanted to bump my
numbers up to make us even. Goddamn whore has a point score of 37 dudes. Yeah, 37! And she only
told me when we got married. That dishonest cumbucket. Hey, who am I talking to here?"
This is exposition.
"Right," said Principal Scooter. "I knew that. Anyway, why the fuck does this mysterious
blackmailer want me to make a short film? What am I Jewish? Also, what a bizarre price to pay
for being a cheater. But the other things I get. I mean more tartar sauce for your fish sticks. Why the
hell not? That shit is dry as a sandy vagina. You'd think those cows who cook our food would know
how to make fish sticks by now. But then again I hired baboons for workers. Literally baboons. We
dressed them up in uniforms and everything. We couldn't afford to hire real people. People are too
expensive. They're always demanding wages, and rights, and such. A baboon just does what he's told,
as long as you feed it, and whip its red juicy ass once in a while. I love whipping their asses. Turns me
on."
Chapter 13: Filming a Fire - Part 1
Charlton, Manny, Alvie, Lilian, and Finley were called to the main office. They sat down in the waiting
area wondering why they were pulled out of class. The clock on the wall went tick-tick as they yawned,
hoping to leave soon.
"This is so boring," said Alvie.
"It's better than being in class and learning," said Manny.
"Maybe we're going to get an award of some sort for helping out Finley," said Lilian.
"Doubt that," said Charlton.
"Shut up," said Lilian. "I wasn't talking to you."
"Jesus," said Manny. "Cut Charlton a break. So what he left some comments on your blog? It's
not like you aren't a total bitch every time we meet you."
"I'm not a bitch," said Lilian. "Am I?"
Finley rocked back and forth. "You're the biggest bitch I ever met."
Lilian sighed.
"Plus," said Charlton, "I told you I never left those comments on your blog. You're accusing me
of something without evidence. AT least have some evidence. In our legal system evidence is quite
important, you know."
Lilian sighed again.
"Fine," she said. "Maybe you didn't leave those comments on my blog. But then who did?"
"Probably some other asshole kid," said Manny. "I mean you must have hundreds of people that
hate you. I don't hate you, but I'm saying lots of people hate you."
"Oh! If nobody hates the rest of you?" said Lilian. "Combined, you guys are more hated than
me."
"And why is that?" said Alvie.
"You're freaks," said Lilian. "Lookit this. A fucking tranny, a Jewish midget, with a chip on his
shoulder, a perverted albino, and an autistic boy who likes to play with fire. Y'alls fucked up."
"Wait, we're the freaks?" said Charlton. "We're the freaks? You think we're the freaks?"
"What don't you get?" said Lilian.
"You look like the bloody Cyborg from Star Trek!" said Alvie. "Remember that episode guys?
"So?" said Principal Scooter. "Are you three going to join the short film, or what? I warn you, if
you refuse you will be making a very powerful enemy. I can make the rest of your high school career a
living hell."
"Hm, you're threatening us?" said Manny.
"Stop threatening us," said Finley.
Principal Scooter was losing his temper. He was sweating, and shaking. There was so much at
stake for him. He decided to take the soft approach.
"Listen,' said Principal Scooter. "If you three participate, I'll, ummm, have the cafeteria make
more tartar sauce available for your fish sticks. Do you like fish sticks?"
"YEAH! I like fish sticks!" said Finley. "In my mouth!"
"Hm, those fish sticks are awfully dry," said Manny. "Like a sandy vagina. Alright -- I'll do this
film for more tartar sauce."
Principal Scooter wrung his hands. He looked at Alvie.
"Alvie?" said Principal Scooter. "And you?"
"Okay," said Alvie, "if you promise to shave your moustache. I hate that thing."
"What?!" said Principal Scooter. "I'm not shaving my moustache! You know what, I don't care if
anyone knows I'm cheating --"
Everyone stared at Principal Scooter.
"Em, you're cheating?" said Miss Lynch.
"No, no, no!" said Principal Scooter. An idea popped into his head. "I mean -- yes! I am
cheating! In video games! Arghhhhhhhhhhh, it's a shameful thing to do. Isn't it?"
"It's okay," said Miss Lynch. "Sometimes I cheat too...on my taxes."
"Wut?" said Alvie.
"Nothing," said Miss Lynch.
"OK," said Alvie. "No need to shave your moustache, Principal Scooter. I'll be a part of the film,
but only because everyone else is doing it. Hey, is anyone going to be jumping off a cliff tomorrow?"
"Not yet,": said Charlton.
"So, it's agreed?" said Principal Scooter. "You'll all help me make this short film?"
Everyone nodded.
Principal Scooter grinned. "Excellent.
Chapter 14: Filming a Fire - Part 2
Being supervised by Miss Lynch, and Principal Scooter, Charton, Alvie, Manny, Lilian, and Finley
began the filming of their short film in the west corner of the school:
"Oh, wowwie," said Charlton, acting as best he could. "I am feeling mighty rambunctious."
"As am I," said Manny.
"Why don't we be bad, and break some school laws?" said Alvie.
"YEAH!" said Finley. "YEAH!"
"Whoa, easy now," said Lilian. "Do you believe wholeheartedly this is the right course of
action?"
"What's my line again?" said Finley. "I forgot my line."
Miss Lynch whispered, "'I don't give a darn.'"
"YEAH!" said Finley. "I don't give a darn. F-f-f-f-f-fuck the establishment."
Miss Lynch whispered again, "There's no swearing."
"YEAH!" said Finley. "F-f-f-f-f-fudge the establishment."
"Boy, howdy wowdy," said Charlton. "I guess you are right. Let us be rambunctious and be rule
breakers."
"Because we are badasses," said Manny. "Our asses our bad. I just want to spank my own ass
because it is so naughty."
"And I want to twist my hard, cold nipples," said Lilian. "This rebellious behavior makes me so
horny."
"So, what do you gays propose?" said Alvie.
"Let us smoke, and get lung cancer," said Charlton. "It will do us some good."
"Yes! Excellent idea," said Manny. "We will smoke in the school. It will be glorious to the
highest heavens."
Charlton took out a packet of cigarettes from his pocket, and gave a cigarette to himself, Alvie,
Manny, Lilian, and Finley.
Charlton whispered to Miss Lynch, and Principal Scooter. "Do we really have to smoke these?"
"I want realism!" said Principal Scooter.
"Smoking is really bad," said Charlton.
"You'll do it damnit, if you know what's good for you!!!!!!" said Principal Skinner.
"Talk about superfluous exclamation points," said Alvie.
Charlton turned back to the others, getting back into character for a poorly written short film.
He used a match, and lit everyone's cigarette. He then tossed the match, into the trash can, just as
instructed. The trash can had some paper in it, and gave a great fire. It was contained, but made a great,
roaring flame.
Charlton, and the others, seeing the fire, took to their heels, and pretended to run away.
Immediately after, Miss Lynch took a fire extinguisher, and extinguished the flames.
"Well," said Charlton, returning, "how was that?"
"You gave it your best effort," said Miss Lynch. "And that's all that matters."
"We're not going to be showing this to anyone," said Principal Scooter. "It sucks."
"I thought IT WAS GOOD," said Finley.
"So that's it?" said Alvie. "My acting debut is over? We're not going to be in this fire safety film
for the school? How will I ever cope with the lack of fame? I want to be the first albino actor, y'know,
to represent my people."
"Who cares about fame?" said Manny. "All I want is money."
"You wouldn't want to be famous?" said Alvie.
"Nah," said Manny. "People will jsut be bothering you. They'll be all, 'OH OH OH OH OH OH
OH OH OH OH AH BELAH BLAH BLAH IT'S YOU CAN I SNIFF YOUR FACE!??!?!' Screw that.
Can't deal with the hassle."
Manny usually never said "screw that" but he did since he was in front of the principal.
"Personally," said Lilian, "I. ...Do I really need to say personally? I'm telling you this face to
face, and I'm using the word 'I.' Of course it's personal. Saying 'personally' seems kinda redundant....
Oh, well, anyways, personally, I'd like to be famous. Like on the same level as Oscar Pistorius but not
for being a murderer."
"Oscar Pistorius is the white OJ Simpson," said Finley.
"Okay," Charlton said to Principal Scooter. "Are we done filming here?"
"No second chance?" said Finley.
"Yeah, don't actors usually get to do several takes?" said Alvie. "you can't say it sucks when
we've just done it once."
"No," said Principal Scooters. "You're living in a fantasy world. When they make movies they
only have one chance to get it right. You got it wrong, and I'm bored as shit here, so I'm leaving. I've
got what I needed."
Principal Scooter turned off his cellphone, which he used to record the short film, and left to the
cafeteria to get a great, big, cup of coffee. Meanwhile, Miss Lynch was left behind to attend to Charlton
and the others, who were just standing around, twiddling their thumbs, not sure what to do next.
"Ummmm, well!" said Miss Lynch. "Sorry about all that. I thought it wasn't too bad. I don't
know what Principal Scooter is going on about. He's a very angry man."
"It's fine," said Manny. "Fire safety videos are daft anyway. What can you say to kids that they
don't already know? You see a fire, run away, and get the fuck out."
"Ah, but some of them will get scared, and hide in the bathrooms, or under a desk," said Alvie.
"What sorta idiot would do that?" said Lilian.
Finley raised his hand. "I did that once. I was in my bedroom eating cereal, and I smelled some
smoke. I got scared, and hid in my closet. I got set on fire, and the house collapsed on me, but I
survived, because I was a lot tougher in those days."
"Shore," said Alvie. "Shore."
"Okay, I have to go," said Miss Lynch. "You guys go back to class, and get good grades, okay?"
"Aw, man," said Manny. "Can't we go home? I'm tired of school."
"Or do whatever you want," said Miss Lynch. "I don't care."
And with that Miss Lynch skipped off, and went off to do whatever she was going to do. Left
behind, Charlton, Alvie, Manny, Finley, and Lilian thought what they should do with the rest of their
day. They leaned against the blue and orange lockers.
"So, what should we do, eh?" said Charlton. "All forms of authority have officially buggered
off."
"Krikey," said Finley. "Let's go into the cafeteria, buy some pizza, and have a pizza eating
contest."
"Cafeteria's closed," said Alvie.
"Those l-l-l-lazy cunts," Finley stammered. "They only work for like an hour a day."
"Who wouldn't want to work for an hour a day?" said Manny.
"The people who don't want to work at all," said Lilian.
"Heh, people," said Manny. "They're so lazy."
"Wait," said Alvie, "we're supposed to be in class learning."
"Oh, and they're hypocrites too," said Manny.
Charlton snapped his fingers.
"I know," he said. "Why don't we go hunting for treasure? I heard there's a chamber of secrets in
this school. Just like that book. What's it called again? Oh yeah, 'The Chambery School.' Good book,
really good book."
"So, then," said Alvie. "What are we waiting for? Let's go looking for that secretive chamber."
And so, Charlton, and the others, jumped up, and gave each other high fives to cement their
plants to find the secret treasure in their school. Finley fell down after the jump. He landed on his
bottom, and got a sore ass.
Chapter 15: The Secretive Chamber
Alvie, Manny, Finley, Charlton, and Lilian walked around the school looking for suspicious objects.
They went around the hallways, peering, searching under random items, hoping to find the rumor
secretive chamber. They stopped in a corner when they got bored after 5 minutes.
"Damnit," said Lilian. "This is idiotic. There is no secretive chamber in our school. Why would
they have one?"
"Think about it carefully," said Finley. "Why wouldn't they have one? If you were hiring a
builder to build your school, and you had a very limited budget, wouldn't you spend the extra money,
and go into debt for something useless to create a sense of mystery for your educational institute? Oh,
wait a minute --"
"We should head on down to the 'Max' for some burgers," said Alvie.
"This isn't 'Saved by the Bell'," said Manny. "Although if it was, I'd totally plow into Kelly
Kapowski. I know they didn't show it, but I think she was fucking Mr. Belding for grades. And Mr.
Weatherbee."
"I think you're confusing two different fictional universes," said Alvie. "Mr. Weatherbee is from
the Archie Comics."
"Oh yeah," said Manny. "Either way she was a skank."
"And what about you?" said Lilian.
"Huh?" said Manny.
"If you wanna do Kelly Kapowski, aren't you a skank too?" said Lilian.
"Never told you I wasn't a skank," said Manny. "But the main question is: How big a skank?"
"Heh, you're the tiniest skank I've ever seen," said Alvie.
"A short joke, how original," said Manny. "By the way, I was being sarcastic, if you didn't catch
that."
"Guys," said Charlton, "let's not fight. Why don't we go to the library to eat some snacks, and
nap, hmm? Food, sleep, my two favourite things."
"I'm still annoyed, but okay," said Manny, "let's do that."
And so Manny, Charlton, Alvie, Lilian, and Finley visited their school's library. They ate some
Ketchup chips, and then fell asleep. When they awoke they found that the librarian was gone. They
decided this was the time to search for the secretive chamber.
"This is the time to search the library for the secretive chamber," said Charlton.
"Okay," said Finley, "let's do it."
"All for one?" said Alvie.
"That's not a very team-like way of thinking," said Manny. "All for one? So we all have to do
something for one person? What happened to doing the right thing, for the greater good? Did they not
mention that on your favourite show Star Trek?"
Lilian slapped her forehead with her robotic hand.
"Oh Lord Jesus," she said.
"What?" said Manny, shrugging his shoulders. "What me do wrong?"
"Never mind," said Charlton. "J'mon and let's go looking around for that secretive chamber."
"But how?" said Finley.
"Pull on the books," said Charlton. "One of them might be a lever that will reveal a secret wall
or something.'
He then led the way, and guided everyone in and out the aisles of the library. They all pulled on
whatever books they could fine. After going through hundreds of books though they found their search
revealing nothing. However, Finley did find a peanut on the ground, and he ate it.
"Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeet," said Manny. "Knew this was a dumb idea."
"You're just bitter because you couldn't reach the top shelf books," said Alvie.
"Don't make me come up there," said Manny. "I will climb up your back like a cafeteria
monkey, and strangle you."
"Heh," said Alvie. "Your arms couldn't wrap around my throat."
"Maybe we're going about this all wrong," said Charlton. "We've been randomly pulling books.
Maybe there's a specific book we have to pull?"
"By gum," said Lilian. "You could be right. What if I pulled this copy of 'Catcher in the Rye'?
I've been avoiding it, because I hate it so much."
Lilian pulled the library's copy of Catcher in the Rye. It did absolutely nothing.
"Damn it to hell!" said Lilian. "This book's turned out to be a phony! A big fat phony!"
"We're doing this wrong," said Alvie. He tapped his chin. "We need to pull the books that no one
in the school likes. That's how we'll find the secretive chamber."
Alvie then pulled on Pride & Prejudice, Jane Eyre, Wuthering Heights, The Fault In Our Stars,
Mein Kampf, Twilight, The Da Vinci Code, Fifty Shades of Grey, Eat, Pray, Love, and every Tom
Clancy novel. And The Bible. ...Nothing happened.
"Interesting," he said, nodding. "Mister Barth here says that he is the Hydrox cookie of the
gaming world. I have no idea what that means."
Charlton opened to another page in the book, and from there an old, yellow piece of paper fell
out. Manny picked it up to have a looksee.
"What is it?" said Charlton.
"Some kinda poem," said Manny.
Curious, the others gathered around Manny in a circle.
"STOP SURROUNDING ME!" said Manny. "I'm getting claustrophobic!"
All then took a step back.
"Listen to this," said Manny. "'Roses are red. Violets are blue. Did you know there's a secret
passage in here?'"
"That doesn't rhyme," said Lilian. "I don't think that counts as a poem."
"Oh, like all poems have to rhyme," said Alvie. "Grow up."
Lilian sneered.
"So, there is a secretive chamber then," said Charlton. "We have to find it. I want everyone to
look through this room, top to bottom."
"I FOUND IT," said Finley.
"Well, that was fast," said Charlton.
Finley peeled back a poster on the wall, revealing yet another hole. There was a gentle breeze
blowing through it. Everyone else gathered to look.
"You sure that isn't just a vent?" Alvie.
Alvie put his head in, and looked down.
"Yep," he said, "I can't see shit."
"Finley," said Manny, "you still got my flashlight?"
"Sure do," said Finley.
He returned Manny's flashlight. Manny tossed it up to Alvie. Alvie took the flashlight, and
shone it down the hole.
"What do you see?" said Charlton.
"Weird," said Alvie. "No giant-o-pedes. But I see something that looks like -- a slide? What's a
slide doing in here?"
"You sure it's not a chute?" said Lilian.
"Believe me," said Alvie, "I've been on enough slides to know what a slide is. Come take a
look."
Everyone took their turn to look. Indeed there was a slide, but where did it lead to? No one
knew for sure. They were all speculating.
"Perhaps it's where all the giant-o-pedes live," said Alvie.
"Stop saying giant-o-pedes," said Lilian. "They don't exist."
"How large would these giant-o-pedes be?" said Manny.
"They're quite large," said Alvie. "I'd say anywhere from 3 to 20 feet long. The 3 footers are
babies, and the 20 footers are the queens."
"Christ almighty," said Manny. "That's huge."
"And they don't exist," said Lilian.
"Do you have evidence they don't exist?" said Alvie.
"Do you have evidence that they do?" said Lilian.
"The burden of evidence is not on me," said Alvie. "It's on you. For questioning me."
"What?" said Lilian. "The burden of evidence is on you, the person who makes the claim."
"I know," Alvie grinned. "I was just being a silly Catholic school student."
"That's it," said Charlton, peering down the hole, "I'm going in to find out what's down there. I
have to know."
"You don't have to know," said Manny. "We can just leave, and go back to our classes."
"Okay, I'm bored," said Charlton. "There. Happy?"
"Very happy," said Finley.
"Wish me luck," said Charlton.
Chapter 17: The Secretive Chamber?!
Getting a boost from the others, Charlton climbed into the secretive hole, head first (for some reason),
and went down the slide. Charlton was scared and confused. He had no idea where the slide was taking
him. All he knew was he was going fast as hell, and to a place he wasn't sure existed.
"AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Charlton screamed. "My brain is hitting the back of my
skull!"
The slide twirled, and twisted, going down, and sometimes up. It was the most convoluted slide
Charlton had ever been on, and the ride lasted 5 minutes, until he came off it, and was thrown onto the
cold, hard ground.
Charlton groaned, and stood up, rubbing his head. He immediately threw up. When he lifted his
head he saw where he was. He was in a big secretive room. It was made out of brown bricks, and lit by
candles. From floor to ceiling it was at least 30 feet. It made an echo when Charlton farted. It sounded
something like ffffffffffff-ffffffffffff-ffffffffffffffff-ffffffffffff-ttttttttt!
Charlton tilted his head back to look up. Then bats swooped down, and rushed past. He
squealed in fear, and covered his face, and body. Once he thought that bats were gone, he lowered his
arms.
"Christ," he said. "There are bats in here... Holy shit. Am I in the Batcave? Is Batman actually
real...? BATMAN! Where are you? I'd like to meet Alfred, and take a ride in your Batmobile, then wear
your suit for Halloween! Batman? Batman? Are you there?"
Charlton calmed down.
"Wait a minute," he said, "I'm not in a cave. Goddamn it."
He walked ahead, and came to a large, double door, protected by a guard of some sort. She was
holding a spearing and wearing ancient Greek armour. Charlton thought she looked familiar. Actually,
she was a student who attended Saint Rogers High.
Her name was Rosemary Chan. She had long, black, curly hair, and a nose too huge for her
face. It was quite a schnauzer, and it effected how she spoke. She had a very nasally voice, in addition
to a stutter, which came out when she got overly excited. Also, she was kind of a fatty.
"W-w-w-w-wut are you doing here!?" Rosemary said excitedly in her nasally voice. "Y-y-you
can't be here... No one is allowed through here!!! Must I use more exclamation points?!!!!!!!!!!!1111
[sic]"
"That makes no sense," said Charlton. "You're standing in front of a door. Doors are made to
allow people into places."
"Y-y-yes, that's true," said Rosemary. "What do you want?"
"What is this place?" said Charlton.
"That question," said Rosemary. "That question. That question of yours. The question you have.
The question you wish to ask, I cannot answer that. It is a forbidden question."
"Is it?" said Charlton.
Rosemary nodded.
"Then what can I ask?" said Charlton.
"T-t-t-that too is forbidden," said Rosemary. "That question of yours. The question you have.
The question wish to --"
"ALRIGHT," said Charlton. "I get it. Yeesh. I'll figure it out on my own."
Charlton started looking around for clues.
"S-s-stop!" said Rosemary with a stamp of her foot. "You are not allow to l-l-l-look fffffffffor
clues! That is forbidden as well!"
"And what will you do, if I don't listen to you?" said Charlton.
"I have half a mind t-t-to get stabby with my spears," said Rosemary.
Rosemary threw her spear. It went into the air, completely miss Charlton, and landed on the
floor with a plunk. It was totally lame.
"Plan B," said Rosemary. "I, I will tell on you!"
Rosemary opened her mouth about to scream for help.
"Wait!" said Charlton. "Don't do that!"
"Why, why not?" said Rosemary.
"I dunno," said Charlton. "Uhhhh, it's not polite?"
"You got a point," said Rosemary. "A, a, a, a girl should never scream, unless she's in danger, or
having a really great orgasm."
"What do you know about orgasms?" said Charlton.
"I, I know I'm gonna get one soon," said Rosemary.
"Huh?" said Charlton.
"From Handsome Sam," said Rosemary. "I'm, I'm guarding his door, so that he'll like me. Then
we'll have premarital sex. The Catholic church says I'll go to hell, but I think it's worth it."
"Um, can't you just wait a couple years till you're married?" said Charlton.
"N-n-n-no," said Rosemary. "I'm horny right now. Not literally right now, but within this time
frame."
Charlton felt a bit ill. An image of Rosemary popped into his head, in which she was getting
porked.
"Can I see what's behind the door?" said Charlton.
"I told you, n-n-n-no," said Rosemary. "If I let in the wrong people Handsome Sam won't bend
me over a table, and jackhammer my tight Asian cooter. I think it's tight; I tried putting a pencil up
there, and, and it hurt real bad."
"You shouldn't put pencils up your hole," said Charlton. "9 out of 10 doctors don't recommend
that."
"1 out of 10 does?" said Rosemary.
Charlton shrugged. "Some people just wanna watch the world burn. Apparently, some of them
are doctors."
"Doctors," said Rosemary. "They are of no use to society. But, but celebrities, now they are very
valuable to society. I mean what kind of world would we live in without our beloved entertainers?"
A thought bubble appeared above Rosemary's head. There was an image of Earth, in which
there were flying cars, magnificent, futuristic skyscrapers, intelligent robots, and healthy people, with
lots of confidence, and self-esteem. Since no one compared themselves to unrealistic, manipulated
images, and advertisements of fake, phoney human beings, everybody felt much better about
themselves, and had an inner belief that they could achieve anything. In addition to this, the extra time
not spent watching entertainment news, and being obsessed with celebrities, freed up time for the
pursuit of education, and general excellence.
Rosemary shuddered at the idea.
"Omigod," she said. "That would be terrible."
"So can I see what's on the other side of that door or what?" said Charlton.
"N-n-n-no!" said Rosemary. "You are not permitted to enter the secretive chamber, see, unless
you can answer my questions three."
"Fine, forget it," said Charlton. "I'm leaving."
Charlton turned around, but Rosemary called him back.
"Oh, c'c'c'man!" she said. "Where's your sense of fun and wonderment. Just try your luck. Who,
"If it's any consolation," said Charlton, "if you see a ghost, it will work out perfectly for you."
"The, the, the fuck is that s-s-supposed to mean?" said Rosemary.
"Say ghost," said Charlton.
"G-g-g-g-ghost!" said Rosemary.
Charlton laughed. "Ah-ha-ha-ha! That's good. It really is. I'm well pleased."
"S-s-shut your face," said Rosemary.
"No need to be rude," said Charlton.
"A-answer the question," said Rosemary, "or g-g-go home! Cake or death?!"
Charlton still wasn't sure how to answer. Cake or death? What sort of a question is that? The
other questions seemed sane compared to this.
"Alright," said Charlton. "Death. Wait, wait, no! Cake! Cake! I meant to say cake!"
"I'm sorry," said Rosemary. "Y-y-you've failed! Goodbye! You are the weakest link!"
"Am pretty sure that was a reference to a TV show," said Charlton, "but I'm too young and well
read to know about it."
"Get out!" said Rosemary.
"Please!" said Charlton. "Let me in!"
He got down on his knees and begged.
"I'm not Jesus Christ," said Rosemary. "You can't beg and g-get another chance."
Charlton stood up and dusted off his knees.
"Fine," said Charlton. "I guess I'll have to get through by force."
"R-remember," said Rosemary, "I, I told you I w-was gonna s-s-scream for help."
"Oh yeah," said Charlton. "Well, I guess that's it then. Can you tell me where the exit is?"
"The, the exit's through this door," said Rosemary. "The one I'm s-s-standing in front of."
"THEN LET ME THROUGH," said Charlton.
"How, how dare you use capital letters at me, like that," said Rosemary. "I should t-t-t-turn you
in, right now!"
Charlton turned around, paced up and down, and put his hands on his hips. He leaned back,
looking up, thinking what to do. He was frustrated, and out of ideas. Just then he heard a noise. His
friends, squealing, came down the slide. They all landed together, tangle in a cluster.
Manny, Alvie, Finley, and Lilian broke apart, then stood up, and squabbled.
"I told you we should've gone separately," said Manny.
"Two heads are better than one," said Lilian.
"I liked it," said Finley. "Let's do it again."
"Yeah, two heads," said Manny. "Not four."
"You don't really like team work, do you?" said Lilian.
"Not when we're going to be daft," said Manny.
"Like I say," said Lilian. "Kept apart we are only twigs, but bundled together we are one mighty
faggot."
"Oh boy," said Alvie. "That's exactly what I want to be. In addition to being someone who gets
sun burnt if he stays out in the sun for longer than 10 seconds."
"Big deal 'bout being an albino," said Manny. "Least you don't have to use a ladder to get
everything."
"Yeah, to each his own," said Alvie.
Charlton waved at the others. They walked ahead, and gathered around him.
"Hey, guys," said Charlton.
"Oy," said Manny. "What're you doing standing around here? This the secretive chamber?"
Charlton pointed to the door, where Rosemary was standing.
"No, that is," he said.
"Let's go in then," said Alvie.
"Oh no," said Lilian. "I've been proven wrong. Very wrong!"
"Run!" said Finley.
Everyone kicked up their feet, and ran toward the other door, which could only be opened by
pulling on the candle holder beside. Charlton hastily pulled on the candle holder. Slowly, the sliding
door began moving. But something about it was broken. It was moving millimeters at a time, like it
was stuck or the mechanism was busted.
"Come on, damnit!" said Alvie. "Open already!"
Everyone looked back. The giant-o-pede was crawling, making its way toward them. They all
had their backs against the wall.
"I can't believe it," said Manny. "I'm gonna die a virgin."
Finley laughed. "Yee-he-he! You're a virgin. Wait -- so, am I."
"We need to fight it off," said Lilian. "Does anyone have anything that we can use as a weapon?
A rock, a pointy stick, a hot cup of coffee? Anything!"
"I have nothing," said Charlton, "except this gun my dad gave me." Charlton pulled out a pistol
from his pocket. "But I was told only to use it for emergencies in defending myself. Thing is this gianto-pede thingy hasn't attacked us yet. Are we really justified in shooting it? It's an innocent animal so
far. Hasn't done a thing besides scaring us."
"Damn you to hell!" said Manny. "Gimme that thing!"
Manny grabbed Charlton's pistol, and, almost blindly, began shooting at the giant-o-pede. He
did it until there were no more bullets left. The giant-o-pede, besides having a few legs out of a
thousand shot off, was mostly fine.
"Now, I know this isn't the time for criticisms," said Alvie, "but you really suck at shooting."
"Yeah, you suck," said Finley.
"Not my fault," said Manny. "I'm too small to aim properly. It was too much power for my little
hands."
"That's it," said Lilian. "I won't be pushed around. I'm going to stand up to this giant-o-pede and
give it a piece of my mind."
Lilian walked over to the crawling giant-o-pede. She wagged her finger at it.
"Listen here," said Lilian. "You might be big, and have a zillion legs, and fangs, and such, but
we won't be intimidated by you. No siree, Bob, I --"
The giant-o-pede swung its head forward and swallowed Lilian whole. But thankfully for the
others it had bought them enough time. The door they sought to enter was half open, and had enough
space for them to slip through.
Everyone, or what was left of everyone, were ready to go on through; however, Charlton put out
an arm to stop them.
"We can't leave Lilian behind," said Charlton. "It isn't right. We have to stick to --"
Manny went between Charlton's legs and escaped. Finley shoved him out of the way, and he,
and Alvie went past. The only one left behind, now, was Charlton.
"Those damned cowards," said Charlton.
Charlton turned around, and found he was only inches away from the giant-o-pede, positioned
face to face with the monstrous creature. As the giant-o-pede was about to swallow him up to, Alvie's
arm reached out, and pulled him back, through the door, which in a fortuitous fashion closed right after.
Charlton, Alvie, Manny, and Finley heaved a sigh of relief. So it seemed they had escaped the
giant-o-pede.
Chapter 19: The Secretive Chamber, Here We Come
Charlton, Alvie, Manny, and Finley huddled together. Finding themselves in a new area they were
reluctant to strike out and explore their surroundings. They listened to the other side, wanting to know
for certain whether the giant-o-pede was still following them, or could get through the door. Manny
took his ear off the wall.
"I hear nothing," said Manny.
"It's probably gone back to its home" said Alvie. "Since it ate Lilian it's not hungry anymore."
"God, I can't believe we left behind Lilian," said Charlton.
"She was the one dumb enough to confront that monster," said Manny. "It's her own fault. She is
going to win a Darwin Award."
"Come on," said Charlton. "Don't you guys feel bad?"
"I feel bad," said Finley.
"Me too," said Alvie, "but there's nothing we can do about it now."
"She's a goner," said Manny. "We should accept her death, and say a prayer for her soul."
"What prayer?" said Charlton.
"How about the Lord's prayer?" said Manny.
"How's that even relevant to what happened?" said Charlton.
"The Lord's prayer is about trespassing," said Manny. "It's exactly what she did. Do you not see
the connection? Also, I don't know any other prayers."
"Forget the fucking prayer," said Alvie. "Let's find out where the hell we are, and how the hell
we get out."
"No need to swear," said Charlton. "It's rather vulgar."
"Fuckit," said Alvie. "If I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die using an expletive. Shit, piss, fuck, cunt,
cocksucker, mother fucker, and tits. Mother fucker and tits... Mother fucker and tits."
"Will you stop saying that?" said Charlton.
"...Mother fucker and tits!" said Finley. "Mother fucker and tits! Mother fucker and tits! Mother
fucker and tits! Mother fucker and tits!"
"Oh, look what you've done," said Charlton.
"I've enriched his vocabulary," said Alvie. "No big deal."
"Mother fucker and tits!" said Finley.
"Please stop swearing," said Charlton. "We need to find out exactly where we are now."
Manny waddled forth, and saw they were in a room similar to before. There were candles
lighting the area, and two large pits in the floor: one that held rats, and one that held snakes.
Presumably, one was to feed the other.
"Dude," said Manny. "Come check this out."
"What is it?" said Charlton.
Charlton, Finley, Alvie, and Manny stood before the pits. They looked down, but kept back,
ensuring they wouldn't fall in.
"I love snakes," said Finley.
"You wanna jump in there and join 'em?" said Alvie.
"I'm autistic," said Finley, "not retarded."
Between the pits was a long stick with a net attached to a pole.
"That must be for feeding the snakes," said Charlton.
"Oooh, me first," said Alvie.
Alvie grabbed the net on a stick. He looked down at the rats and felt sorry for them.
"Poor, little buggers," said Alvie. "They are at the mercy of my net, and these snakes. Life isn't
fair."
"Then put the net away," said Charlton. "Enough things have been eaten today."
"Speaking of which," said Manny, "isn't it funny that we aren't being emotional about the death
of our friend whatsoever?"
"We're men," said Finley. "We don't show emotions in front of each other. We will do that into
our pillows when we go home and cry. I will anyway."
"Not only that," said Alvie, "but Lilian was kind of a bitch, wasn't she? Not to slag off the dead,
but, Charlton, she accused you of leaving comments on her blog, and then beat you up. I mean, what
the heck. Also, what're you doing reading the blog of a young, black, disabled lesbian?"
"I like learning about others," said Charlton. "Is that so wrong?"
"Oy," said manny, "I think before we go feeding rats to snakes, we should find out how to get
out of here. Anyone see any exits?"
There were no exits, other than the way everyone came in.
"Nothing," said Charlton. "I think we'll have to go back the way we came in, and crawl up the
slide."
"How are you we going to do that?" said Alvie, waving his net around.
"We go bare feet," said Charlton, and press up against the sides of the slide, and slowly crawl
back up."
"Oh, oh, oh yeah," said Alvie. "That's a good idea. The giant-o-pede won't be able to follow
after us, once we start doing that."
"Okay, scratch that idea," said Charlton.
"Let's just commit suicide," said Finley. "It's the easiest way out."
"SHUT UP, everyone," said Alvie. "I want to feed the snakes, first."
"There's no time for that," said Charlton. "We are in danger."
"I won't be too slow," said Alvie.
Alvie looked down at the pits again. But instead of scooping up rats, he scooped up a snake, and
threw it into the rat pit.
"Wonder what will happen now that it's reversed?" he said.
Alvie, and company observed the snakes swimming around in the rat pit. The rats jumped on
the snakes, and chewed on them, until they were nothing except long, flexible skeletons. It happened in
seconds.
"Aw-ha-ha-ha, sick," said Alvie.
"There, you satisfied?" said Charlton. "You animal killer."
"It was the rats," said Alvie, "not me. Plus, they must feel real swell about getting some
revenge. Sweet, sweet revenge. I imagine snakes taste sweet, unless someone can prove otherwise.
Anyone want to eat one?"
"Yuck," said Charlton.
"Wait," said Alvie. "I'm not done yet."
Alvie scooped up some rats, and dumped them into the snake pit. The rats ran around, trying to
dodge the snakes, but were inevitabley, snatched up, and eaten.
"Mwah-ha-ha-ha," said Alvie. "It's like playing God. Or The Sims."
"This is sick," said Charlton.
He went off to a corner, and threw up. Alvie, however, kept scooping up the rats, and feeding
them to the snakes, until they were all gone.
"Boy, I tell you what," said Manny, "that Charlton don't get a very strong stomach. He's always
throwin' up."
"Hey, look," said Finley, staring into the pits. "Something's happening."
The floors of the pits began shifting. Where the rat pit was the floor came up, and where the
snake pit was the floor went down. Then a large hole opened up in the ceiling, and a ladder dropped
down. A sign appeared too. It had an arrow pointing, and read: "Secretive Chamber."
"Criminey," said Manny, tilting his head back. "There it is. The Secretive Chamber."
"Feeding the rats to the snakes must've trigger some sort of weight-based mechanism," said
Alvie.
"Oh, I don't know about all this," said Charlton. "What if what's up there is worse?"
"Worse than a giant-o-pede, and a hideous pit of snakes?" said Alvie. "Ah, where's your sense of
optimism?"
"I bet there's candy and hookers up there," said Finley, "and it's ours for the taking -- yeee! Let's
go, you guys!"
Finley ran to the ladder, and started climbing up it. The others, who were still wary from the
giant-o-pede, followed behind. Alvie, Manny, and Charlton went on up.
Chapter 20: Secretive Chamber, Hello!
Charlton, was the last person to climb up the ladder, and get through the hole, but get through the hole
he did. Now, he and Alvie, and Manny, and Finley were standing in the Secretive Chamber. The real
Secretive Chamber, not any of that sub-Chamber bullshit, and you know what?
It was magnificent. The Secretive Chamber was a wonderment to the eye. Other than the ground
(but not the flooring), and some supports, and essential structures, the entire place was made out of
candy. There was chocolate furniture, cotton candy bushes, graham cracker doors, statues made out of
toffee, and so much more.
"Dear Lord," said Manny, "I think I've caughed diabeetus. Is everything in here made out of
candy?"
"There's only one way to find out," said Finley, and he got down on his hands and knees, and
licked the floor.
"How's it taste?" said Charlton.
"Like an apple candy," said Finley.
Alvie bent down and licked the floor with Finley.
"Ew!" said Alvie. "This tastes disgusting!"
"Tee-he-he!" said Finley. "It's liquorice."
Alvie stood up, and wiped his mouth. "Yuck. I hate liquorice. It's the Peewee Herman of the
candy world."
"You don't like Peewee Herman?" said Manny.
"He looks like he likes touching children," said Alvie. "Or animals. Or children animals."
"Enough chatter," said Manny. "Let us feast!"
And so Manny, Alvie, Finley, and Charlton ran around the Secretive Chamber eating all the
candy they could. They gave no thought to their teeth, or their health, and completely indulged. In half
an hour they had obliterated pounds upon pounds of sweets. Their heads were pounding, and their
stomachs were aching; they were sick from all the sugar they'd ingested. Not able to stand without
being supported, they all sat down on a bench made of chocolate. It stained their pants, making it look
like they shat themselves.
"Ohhhn," Finley groaned. "I can still taste the sweetness in my mouth. It's burning my tongue."
"I ate an entire desk made out of white chocolate," said Manny. "It was a children's desk, but
still -- I'll be shitting white for a week."
"You think what you ate was bad?" said Alvie. "I ate so much candy it's making me see dead
people. Look, there's Abraham Lincoln, John F. Kennedy, William McKinley, and James Garfield...
What the hell? So, no Canadian Prime Ministers? Ah, wait, I think I've spotted Brian Mulroney."
"Um, Brian Mulroney's not dead," said Charlton.
"To me he's dead to me," said Alvie. "To me he's dead."
Charlton stuck out his tongue, which was purple.
"So thirsty," said Charlton. "I"m gonna get a drink."
He got up and went over to what looked like what a water fountain. He pressed a sticky button
on the front to release a stream of water. He opened his mouth drink it.
"Oh, God," said Charlton, feeling worse than before, "even the water is sweet. It's Sprite. Or is it
7-Up? Maybe it's a mixture of both?"
He stepped over to the next fountain to see what it was. He pressed the button, and a bright
green liquid came out. He again opened his mouth to drink.
"Ooooh," said Charlton, "Mountain Dew. Or is it Mello Yello? Maybe it's a mixture of both?"
"Stop bothering with those fountains," said Manny. "Come and sit down."
Charlton returned to his seat. Alvie was leaning his head back, looking up at nothing.
"I don't understand why life is like this," said Alvie.
"Huh? Like what?" said Charlton.
"Everything that we enjoy winds up being bad for us," said Alvie. "But why? Sex for example.
Oh, sure you're enjoying it now, but wait till you get herpes, or AIDS, or cancer. YEAH! You can get
cancer by having sex. What the -- like, come on!"
"What's it matter to you?" said Manny. "You ain't getting laid any time soon. Heh."
"First of all, you forget that I'm quite rich," said Alvie. "I can get laid if I wanted to. Second of
all, I'm saving myself for marriage. And you should respect my constraint. Being a premarital slut is
way easier than not being a slut. I mean think about it. Every minute I'm getting a boner. My hormones
are raging. They're telling me to go out, and screw anything in sight. But do I do it? No, I respect the
values of my religion."
"Thought you said you were an atheist," said Charlton.
"I respect all values of my religion, except the part about believing in God," said Alvie.
"So, you're not a Catholic?" said Finley. "Do you believe in the Jesus?"
"Of course I believe in Jesus," said Alvie. "And, yes, I am a Catholic. I'm what you call a
Catholic Atheist. Sure, it sounds weird, but we're a small, fast growing sect of people. You wanna join
me? Huh? Guys?"
Alvie looked to his left and and right. Charlton, Finley, and Manny were fast asleep. The sweets
had spiked their blood sugar concentration levels, and, as it were, what goes up must come down. The
precipitous drop in glucose made them incredibly tired.
"Ah, damn," said Charlton. "I may as well get a rest too."
Alvie closed his eyes to take a snooze.
An hour later, Charlton, Finley, Manny, and Alvie were wide awake again. Being growing, male
teenagers they were hungry once more. Though their teeth were feeling a tad soft, they went around the
Secretive Chamber made of sweets, and began eating again. This time they worked as a team, grazing
from one area to the next until they came to the large, graham cracker doors.
Charlton and Finley took the top, while Manny and Alvie worked on the bottom. In soon
enough time the doors were completely gone. More interesting they had revealed another area for
which they were ever curious.
"Whoa," said Charlton. "What's all this then?"
"Another area to the infamous Secretive Chamber," said Manny.
"We should do in," said Alvie. "This must be the hookers and blow area. Has to be. How else
can you top what we've just experienced?"
"What's blow?" said Finley.
"Don't worry about it," said Manny. "You'll learn about it when you're 16."
"So, we're going to head on in?" said Charlton.
"I think so," said Alvie.
"Then c'mon!" said Charlton. "For hookers and blow!"
"Yeah!" said Finley. "Hookers and blow!"
"Wait a minute," said Charlton. "I don't want either of those things."
"Me neither," said Alvie.
"Am I the only one?" said Manny.
Finley nodded. "Pervert."
"Oh, maybe there are video games in there," said Alvie.
"We'll never give into you," said Charlton. "No matter how hard you are with us we will fight
you to the bitter end."
"I'm not inclined to believe that," said Handsome Sam.
Handsome Sam turned on his heels, put his fingers in his mouth, and whistled. At this moment
the sound of two very heavy things being dragged were heard, to which everyone gave their attention.
In the middle of the floor a large, very muscley man, who looked like a bodybuilder on steroids, was
dragging behind himself a dead giant-o-pede, and the body of someone covered in an opaque slime.
It was hard to tell who this man was, since the lower half of his face was obscured by a sharp
looking, black mask. It made his voice deep, and scary.
"Ah," said Handsome Sam. "Look who's turned up. It's my right hand man -- Tarmul."
Indeed, Tarmul was the muscley man in the black mask. He was pumped with various
chemicals, and given various augmentations to give him the strength of at least two gorillas. (Gorillas,
if you must know, are quite robust. They can run speeds of up to 40 kilometers per hour, and lift the
weight of a small, European car.
"That's really Tarmul?" said Manny.
"Yes," said Handsome Sam.
"He looks like a gorilla!" said Manny. "Ah-ha-ha-ha!"
Tarmul growled. It was so loud that it made the entire Secretive Chamber rumble. One of the
workers making drugs even shat himself.
"Whoa, easy now," said Manny. "Can we come to a peace offering? I have a crate of bananas
waiting for you outside."
Tarmul dropped the slimy body and dead giant-o-pede he was holding, and marched toward
Manny. But Handsome Sam stepped in his way, and put a hand on his chest to stop him.
"Calm down," said Handsome Sam. "We need this midget alive, okay?"
"I'm a dwarf," said Manny. "Not a midget."
"Midget, dwarf, little shit, what's the difference?" said Handsome Sam. "HAW!"
At this moment the body covered in slime started to move. It wriggled around a bit and then
stood up. It shook off as much slime as it could and wiped its face with a cough. The identity of it was
revealed to be none other than Lilian Starr.
"Ohn, where am I?" she groaned. "I feel like I've been inside a yeast infected vagina."
"Lilian," said Charlton. "You're alive! You're actually alive! Omigod! I thought you were dead,
and that the giant-o-pede had made you into its poop,"
"Can't believe it," said Alvie. "I didn't even recognize it was you. The slime was obscuring your
face."
"Glad to have ye' back," said Manny.
"I prayed for you," said Finley.
As Lilian came out of her stupor, she began piecing everything together.
"You prayed for me?" said Lilian. "So, basically you sat around, and did nothing?"
"Yeah," said Finley. "I mean -- no!"
"Aw," said Handsome Sam. "Glad to see your friend is alive. She'll be experimented on too."
"Run!" said Charlton. "Run for your life!"
"But don't forget about us," said Alvie. "Call the cops or something."
Lilian then took off and started running away. Where to she wasn't sure, but she was legging it
as only she could. Handsome Sam snapped his fingers at Tarmul.
"Go after her," he said.
Tarmul spotted Lilian scurrying around, then, like Spiderman, or Superman when he was first
introduced to the public, leaped up into the air, landed down, and caught her. On account of his gorilla
strength he only needed to hold her with one arm.
"Let me go," Lilian said whilst struggling. "I will destroy you!"
"Nobody destroys Tarmul," said Tarmul. "Tarmul is indestructible."
Tarmul went to the enclosure, where Charlton, Manny, Finley, and Alvie were, and threw in
with them. Lilian groaned when she slammed into the ground. The others ran to her to see whether she
was alright.
"Are you okay?" said Charlton.
Lilian let out a breath.
"I've had worse," she said.
Handsome Sam grinned a smug grin. It was the only grin he could grin.
"Now," said Handsome Sam, "prepare yourselves."
"For what?" said Finley.
"Remember, I'm going to do an experiment on you guys," said Handsome Sam, "and it could
have fatal results. Were you not paying attention when I mentioned the Handsome Bomb?"
"What?" said Finley.
"Guh!" said Handsome Sam. "No wonder teachers are always so stressed out. Don't you guys
listen?"
"Hey, wait a minute," said Charlton, "aren't you supposed to give us an origins story first."
"Huh?" said Handsome Sam.
"It's a common trope," said Alvie. "Every super villain must give an origins story before they
carry out their plans on their heroic rivals. You know, tell us about your past, why you're doing this, et
cetera."
"Why would I do that?" said Handsome Sam.
"Well, you know how they say history is written by the winners?" said Alvie
"Yuh-huh," said Handsome Sam.
"Well," said Alvie, "when you write your history, ah, that is to say your biography, where you're
hailed as the next Winston Churchill, don't you want your book to be in depth, and explanatory to
readers?"
"I guess you're right," said Handsome Sam. "Tarmul, please bring me my armchair. I think I'm
going to be sitting down for a while."
Tarmul left. The group observed how he exited near the back of the drug lab/Secretive Chamber
by pulling on a red lever.
"Well," said Charlton, in a low voice, "at least we know where the exit is now."
"Hmph, so what?" said Manny. "We're done for. And not only are we going to die we're going to
be tortured too!"
"Calm down," said Alvie. "I'm a genius for a reason."
Alvie winked.
"Did you just wink at your friends?" said Tarmul.
Huh?" said Alvie. "Erm, no, I was merely twitching. It's an eye twitch I have. I've had it for a
long time now. Observe."
Alvie pretended to twitch his eyes.
"Okay," said Handsome Sam, "but you really should get that checked out by a doctor."
"Why?" said Alvie. "You told us we're going to die."
"Never mind then," said Handsome Sam.
Handsome Sam put his hands on his hips, tapped his foot on the floor, and looked up at the
ceiling from boredom. He was tired of waiting for his armchair.
"Bah, forget it," said Handsome Sam. "I'll just give you the abbreviated version of my history."
"Oh, boy," Lilian said sarcastically. "This ought to be good."
"Shut your fucking face," said Handsome Sam. "Now, listen. It was a long time ago, in a galaxy
far away."
evil. I've never been a good person. When I was five I pushed my little brother into a pool, and watched
him drown out of curiosity. This is just who I am. And if you can't accept me at my worst, then you
don't deserve me at my best."
"That's exactly what a bitch would say," said Lilian.
"I know you are, but what am?" I said Handsome Sam.
"A garbage man," said Lilian.
"I know you are, but what am?" I said Handsome Sam.
"Freedom!" said Alvie.
"What?" said Handsome Sam.
"Run!" said Charlton.
Charlton, Alvie, Finley, Lilian, and Manny began running away. They escaped their enclosure
by going through the gap they had created in the bars. Together they headed toward the exit at the back.
Handsome Sam pulled on his hair as he watched.
"Bloody hell!" he said. "How did they escape!?"
Alvie answered in the distance, "While you were yapping on, and on, I used a tiny motorized
saw to cut through the bars. It was so loud. I'm not even sure how you noticed. You were so selfabsorbed in your own story that you couldn't hear the sound of anything else. Ha!"
Handsome Sam recalled in his brain exactly what Alvie had told him, and in most cases normal
people would be ashamed for being so dumb, but H.S. was not. Like he always was he had a selfcompliment to explain his deficiencies.
"I'm not self-absorbed," said Handsome Sam. "I just have a healthy self-esteem."
"Fuck you!" said Lilian.
"Water off a duck's back," said Handsome Sam. "And fuck you too! You black dyke!"
"The preferred nomenclature is African American!" said Manny.
"I'm Canadian!" said Lilian.
"Right," said Manny. "African Canadian!"
"Not from Africa either!" said Lilian.
"Fine," said Manny. "Black dyke it is!"
Charlton, Alvie, Finley, Manny, and Lilian reached the back of the drug lab, and pulled on the
lever. A door slid open and they ran to escape through it. But Tarmul was standing in the way, facing
them with his brows narrowed down.
"No one is leaving," said Tarmul.
"What about you?" said Manny.
"I will be leaving," said Tarmul, "but the five of you won't. that's what I meant by 'no one.'"
"Awfully vague phrasing," said Manny.
"Shut your hole," said Tarmul.
Manny shrugged and bolted forward. Using his momentum he dropped to his knees and slid
under Tarmul's legs to escape. The other four got the same idea and copied him exactly -- except Finley,
who made a "wheeee!" sound as he went through.
Tarmul bent at the waist, and looked underneath to see where they all went. He growled and
turned around to follow them.
Charlton, Lilian, Alvie, Manny, and Finley, out of breath from running, found they were in yet
another mysterious room, or, if you will, chamber. This chamber was rather bare, but at the far side had
five different archways, numbered and all, which had slides going down to God knew where.
"What do we do, what do we do?!" said Lilian.
"We have to make a choose," said Charlton.
He looked over his shoulder, and could see Tarmul in the distance, walking toward them step by
step. Tarmul was not running, because the boy was so doped up on so many chemicals that it was
taxing his body. Those bulging muscles came at a price.
"I think we should go down slide #5," said Manny. "It's a good round number."
"#1," said Alvie. "This Handsome Sam is obviously a narcissist. That's our best bet."
"How 'bout #3?" said Lilian. "It's considered a lucky number."
"#2," said Finley.
"Why #2?" said Charlton.
"I dunno," said Finley. "Mmm, it's twice as many as one."
"Oh, okay," said Charlton. "So, nobody wants to pick #4?"
"That Handsome Sam's Chinese," said Alvie. "Four is an unlucky number for the Chinese. It
means death."
Charlton panicked and yelled, "Come on! We have to decide!"
"Why don't we each take whatever route we want?" said Manny. "Each person is responsible for
his/her own fate."
"So, we're going to be Conservatives then?" said Charlton.
"Urgh, fuck it," said Finley. "Am going."
Then Finley jumped down slide #2; Alvie took one, Lilian three, and Manny five. Charlton was
last. He opted for four. He jumped feet first.
As it turned out each landed in a different spot. Although they all wound up back in school (as
opposed to the Secretive Chamber). Finley landed in gym, Lilian in history class, Manny in the
cafeteria, Alvie in the greenhouse, and Charlton in an open dumpster just outside Saint Rogers High.
Charlton sat up. He was dizzy from the stench surrounding him. There was a banana peel rested
on his head. He felt miserable, however, thought it was better than being experimented on like a guinea
pig, or being torn limb from limb by an angry teenager with the strength of approximately two gorillas.
"I hate my life," said Charlton.
Chapter 22: Souper's Arrest
There was nothing about the sunny sky that suggested anything was amiss. Yet a set of police cars
stopped by Saint Rogers High. Principal Scooter went outside to meet them. All the students were
gathered to see what the matter was. They were told to go back to class, but many of them had serious
problems with authority, and/or discipline.
"Damnit," said Principal Scooter. "Why won't you ugly children go back to class? This is none
of your business. Don't you even want an education?"
"Bah, why do you care?" said Jones. "You know that most of what we learn is just going to be
forgotten, and furthermore the lot of us will probably grow up to flip hamburgers, and pump gasoline
for a living. What's the point of sitting in a classroom, learning when Shakespeare was born? Why not
enjoy what youth we have left, dicking around, and doing something fun, so we can have happy
memories for when we're old and depressed, and are hooked on medications?"
"Right," said Principal Scooter, "carry on then."
He walked down the brick path and greeted the Chief of Police named Dong.
"Dong, you old bastard," said Principal Scooter. "We meet again."
Dong adjusted his cap. It was good at hiding his bald, shiny head, which resembled the end of
an aubergine.
"Scooter," said Dong. "How do you do?"
Principal Scooter and Dong shook hands.
"Jus' fine," said Principal Scooter.
"What brings you here?" said Principal Scooter.
"I'm on business," said Dong.
"What sorta business," said Principal Scooter. "Are you here to plant drugs on people and
physically brutalize our students?"
"Well, it ain't you," said Manny. "When 'ave you see a crippled, black, lesbian take a lead role in
a film? Or for that matter an albino? Or a tranny?"
"Whoa, I'm not crippled," said Lilian. "I'm just missing a couple of limbs, which, if you can see,
have been replaced with state of the art, robotic prosthetics."
"You're all wrong," said Alvie. "The main character would be Finley. I know he's not here, but
he's the charming, mentally challenged kid, who can win someone an Oscar. That's a fact. Well, wait,
no, it's not a fact. But it could be a fact."
"No one here is the main character," said Charlton. "We're an ensemble, like those kids in South
Park. Meaning there's no singular person, who's carrying the story. We're all equally important."
"Aaah, that's some hippie bullshit," said Manny.
"You know," said Lilian, "maybe it would be better if we were all a bit more hippie, and loving,
and caring. Shit, I'm still angry about that time you guys abandoned me when we were in that so called
secretive chamber. You left me behind to be digested by a giant centipede. Or as Alvie calls it a 'gianto-pede.'"
"Come on, quit holdin' a grudge," said Manny. "That was in the past."
"It was two days ago!" said Lilian.
"Yes," said Manny. "Like I told you: in the past."
Dong slammed his fists on the table.
"Will you freaks shut up!?" he said. "I'm trying to conduct an investigation here!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"No need to be rude," said Alvie. "We're all amigos here."
"I am not your amigo," said Dong, "nor am I your pal, buddy, so keep your mouth shut, and we
can continue on."
"Wait," said Charlton. "How can we continue on if we keep our mouths shut? Isn't the whole
point of this to find out more about the arson? Which we didn't do by the way."
"You did it," said Dong. "I know, because I have video evidence.... And you can see it on my
new iPad. Would you like to see it on my new iPad? I got it as a birthday present. It's slightly better
than the last version, which I'm now using as a cutting board."
"Mmm, okay," said Charlton. "Let's see."
Dong brought out his latest version of the Apple iPad and showed everyone the alleged video
evidence. The video evidence was the short film that Charlton, Alvie, Finley, Manny, and Lilian did for
Miss Lynch, and Principal Scooter.
"Is this not you?" said Dong.
"It is," said Charlton, "but that was for a short film. It's not real."
"Also," said Alvie, "it appears this video has been carefully edited. I don't remember it being
like this. Why is there a star wipe to cut to the next part?"
Dong sighed. "It's a thing called art."
"So, you think this video will actually hold up in court?" said Manny.
"Wait, who said anything about court?" said Lilian.
"Yes," said Dong. "I believe this is enough evidence to throw you four away into prison for a
very long time."
"Hey, this clearly is not us setting the school on fire," siad Manny. "Look at how unnatural we're
acting. You can tell its been totally staged."
"Tell it to the judge," said Dong.
"I will," said Manny.
"Good for you," said Dong.
"Please," said Charlton. "We're innocent. We would never think to set our school on fire, much
less actually carrying through with it."
"Oh? Oh, no?" said Dong. "Then what's this other video about?"
Dong swiped his iPad to show another video. It was a video of Charlton, Lilian, Manny, Alvie,
"Yes," said Dong, "but I made all that up. There is no electric, massaging chair. Although there
is prison time for you. Do you like prison?"
"No," said Lilian.
"That's what they all say," said Dong. "...Now! I'm going to get a cup of coffee at the local Tim
Hortons. You guys have to wait here. Does anyone want anything?"
"Really?" said Alvie. "You're offering us Tim Hortons, after the way you treated us."
"Of course," said Dong. "I mean, I'm an asshole, but I'm not a monster. Every Canadian
deserves Tim Hortons. And poutine."
"That's real swell of you," said Manny.
"Thank you," said Dong. "What would you like me to order you?"
Manny stared up at Dong who had out a notepad and pen.
"I want an order of justice," he said.
"Tim Hortons doesn't have that -- yet," said Dong.
At this moment suddenly Lilian started crying into her robotic hands.
"I can't believe it," she wailed. "I'm going to be locked up in a prison with all women."
"You think that's bad?" said Alvie. "How about being surrounded by horny, muscley men?
That's way worse."
"As if," said Lilian. "Women are way more irritating than men. Trust me. I'm a lesbian. I know
about these things. We're very miserable people."
"I have to worry about dropping the soap," said Alvie. "What do you have to worry about?
Scissoring?"
"Don't know what that is," said Lilian.
Alvie whipsered into Lilian's ear. Lilian's eyes went wide.
She didn't know what to say, other than, "Goody goody gum drops!"
"Man-alive," said Dong. "I'm actually starting to worry about the four of you. You guys don't
seem to know your ass from your heads."
Charlton stood up.
"I know enough to know that what you're doing to us is injust," he said. "We won't let you throw
us into prison. Justice will be on our side."
"Is that so?" said Dong.
"That is very so," said Charlton. "I'd stake my life on it."
Chapter 24: Day Court
One week later, Charlton, Alvie, manny, and Lilian were in court being sentenced to life in prison.
Judge Unfair banged her gavel to officiate the ruling: GUILTY.
"Oh, Gawd," said Charlton. "What happened? Alvie, I thought you told us you hired the best
lawyer in all of Canada."
"I did," said Alvie. "However, last minute, he had to do another case, and instead sent in his
cousin Vinny."
"Whoa, hey," said Vinny Boyardee. "Is someone talkin' about me over here? My ears are burnin'
up like a Tiki torch."
"Of course we're talking about you," said Lilian. "You're a terrible lawyer. What law school did
you go to exactly?"
"I have 4 years training in culinary school," said Vinny Boyardee.
"Good gravy," said Manny. "You're a cook?"
"I'm not a cook," said Vinny Boyardee. "I'm a chef. A cook is a housewife, who warms up
Campbell's soup. I, on the other hand, prepare dishes for customers in restaurants."
"This makes no sense," said Charlton. "Alvie, why would your lawyer substitute himself with a
"Lord," said Manny, "you are a negative one. Alright, what's the problem?"
"Your rapist's wiener is going to act like a plug," said Alvie. "You won't be able to push your
shit out. And since you're a dwarf, your hole is probably extra small, so it's going to be plugged up
pretty good. Unless we are to assume it's another dwarf that'll be giving it to you. Or a Chinaman."
"Racist!" said Lilian. "That's racist!"
"How do you know they've got small ones, anyway?" said Charlton. "Have you seen a lot of
penises in your life time?"
"Uh, no," said Alvie. "I heard about it. From a friend."
"What friend?" said Charlton.
"You wouldn't know him," said Alvie. "He's from the deep south."
"Where in the deep south?" said Lilian.
"Windsor," said Alvie. "Have you been?"
"ALRIGHT," said Dong, interrupting. "You can get on the bus now."
Dong pushed Charlton and the others onto the prison bus. The prison bus looked like a school
bus, except it was grey, and all the windows at the side, and back, were covered in metal bars. Once
you went in there was no escape, except through the front, which had a lockable gate.
Charlton, Alive, Lilian, and Manny were taken through this gate, and made to sit. Much to their
chagrin their handcuffs were not removed. They sat uncomfortably, looking around at all the strangers,
who were big, burly, very angry-looking men.
"Oh boy," said Manny. "This is gonna be fun."
"Actually, I don't think it's going to be much fun," said Charlton. "I think it'll be quite a
harrowing experience."
Manny sighed. "I was being sarcastic."
"Oh, okay," said Charlton.
Officer Dong locked the front gate.
"Good luck, everyone!" he said.
Then he exited the bus, which began driving off immediately as soon as his foot touched the
pavement. Lilian, Charlton, Alvie, and Manny looked out the barred windows, watching the faces they
knew slowly disappear.
"Well, this sucks," said Alvie.
"Least we're sitting together," said Charlton. "That's nice."
"None of this makes any sense," Lilian said in a fretful voice. "Why are we being placed on a
bus with adults? Shouldn't we be heading to juvie? Second, why am I here? I'm a girl. Third, how is it
that the minute after we were sentenced we are made to go to prison? Isn't there some sort of waiting
time?"
"We're living in Montenegro, Canada," said Manny. "Everything up here is weird and
backwards. Like Australia. Or Florida."
"Still," said Lilian. "I think my complaints are valid. I mean this whole thing is complete
bullshit. Remember at the police station? They didn't even allow us to make a phone call. They made us
use telegraph. What type of police station has telegraph?"
"Budgets cuts, I guess," said Charlton.
"OK, forgetting everything," said Lilian, "don't you think it's a little harsh that we are being
handed a life sentence? LIFE!"
"Technically," said Alvie, "it's not a life sentence. In Canada the maximum amount of time you
can spend in prison is 25 years."
"Ah, Canadians," said Manny. "They're so soft and merciful. Except in our case. Bastards!
When my 25 years is up, I'm getting out of here. I'm heading to Scotland."
"Why Scotland?" said Charlton.
"I liked fried foods," said Manny, "and I assume when I'm older I'll become an alcoholic. I
"No," said Manny, "I'm going to make your life a living hell!"
"Nice come back," Lilian whispered.
"That's it," said Tarmul, "I'm going to make your life a living hell right now."
Tarmul got out of his seat and stood in the aisle. Manny did the same and faced this beast of a
man head on.
"Let's go!" said Manny. "What've you got?"
"Manny," said Charlton, "this isn't funny. I think you should apologize and hope he forgives
you."
"I've faced tougher people than this," said Manny. "He don't scare me."
"Prepare to die!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" said Lumrat.
Lumrat ran forward, top speed at Manny. Manny, being the dwarf he was, rolled between his
legs, and avoided the attack. As it so happens Lumrat had so much momentum that he crashed through
the gate, and then squashed the bus driver.
The bus driver went unconscious and the steering wheel he held went awry. The bus began
spinning, and on a secluded road, lined with trees, rolled, and fell hard into a ditch. By chance everyone
was knocked out from the ordeal, except Manny, Charlton, Alvie, and Lilian. They groaned and then
checked on each other, after turning themselves the rightsideup.
"Guys," said Charlton, "are you okay?"
"I think I'll live," said Alvie.
"So," said Lilian, "what do we do? Should we just wait, until they wake up?"
"You mad?" said Manny. "We get the hell out of here, and escape."
"Are you serious?" said Lilian.
"It's a life sentence," said Manny. "Do you want to spend your days on the run in sunny Mexico,
or locked up in a prison, with adults who want to eat your brains?"
"They aren't zombies," said Alvie.
"I know," said Manny. "I was being metaphorical."
"You're right," said Lilian. "We have no choice. We have to take this chance."
Lilian started heading for the exit, which proved slightly difficulty as she had to step over
several bodies, and walk across a floor that was oriented the wrong way. But eventually she got out,
and so did the others.
Chapter 25: Dark Scary Forest - Part 1
Charlton, Alvie, Manny, and Lilian escaped the prison bus. They looked around and found they were in
a dark, scary forest.
"Where are we?" said Charlton. "Some sort of forbidden forest?"
"Doesn't matter where we are," said Manny. "Just keep on moving. The assholes in the bus
might start wakin' up."
"Yes, and prey tell, what direction do you propose we go?" said Lilian.
"Dunno," said Manny. "Maybe I'll close my eyes, spin around in a circle, and then pick a
direction."
"Don't do that," said Alvie.
Manny closed his eyes, spun around, and then pointed.
"There," he said. "That's where we go."
"You're pointing at the prison bus," said Charlton.
"Hm," said Manny. "That is a problem."
"So, okay," said Alvie, "who's going to lead the way then? Who here has a clue about
anything?"
"Hm, you're pretty smart," said Manny. "Why don't you take the reins?"
"Me?" said Alvie. "Oh no, I couldn't take the pressure. What if I lead everyone to their doom?"
"We'll take the chance," said Charlton.
"Well," said Alvie, "this is quite the honor. Hm, let me think for a minute."
Lilian looked back at the bus. She saw some people were moving around.
"Hurry it up," she said. "We don't have all minute."
"Fuck," said Alvie. "Let's just go in the opposite direction of that bus."
And so, with Alvie leading the way, Charlton, Lilian, and Manny went in the opposite direction
the prison bus. At a hurried pace they kept on going, until it was completely out of sight. They then
stopped to take a break. They all sat down on the leafy, forest floor.
"Alright," said Alvie. "At least we're out of sight of that prison bus."
"We should climb back up the road to civilization," said Lilian. "I'm hungry."
"No," said Alvie. "We can't go back on the road we were traveling. They'll find us in no time.
We gotta set our own course."
"Good idea," said Manny. "And after we find our own course what do we do from there? How
does someone even get out of Canada and to Mexico?"
"What's with you and Mexico?" said Lilian. "Can't we go somewhere else?"
"Mexico is the only place we can go, where we won't get caught, and won't have to fly," said
Manny. "All other countries are off our list, if they're not connected to Canada by land."
"We could always steal a plane," said Lilian, "and go somewhere nice."
"Alright, alright,." said Manny. "Listen up. We'll go to Mexico, steal an airplane, head over to
Cuba, then Morrocco, and then, finally, get ourselves to Scotland. Alvie, you can make up the fake
documents, hack their computers so it looks like we're citizens, and make counterfeit money. I know it's
illegal, but we need the cash to buy haggis and Lucozade."
"So, you really expect me to do all of that?" said Alvie. "That's gonna take me at least a month
to do."
"Oh, you don't have a month to spare?" said Manny in an irritated tone.
"Alright, alright," said Alvie. "I'll try my best. But no promises."
"Good," said Manny. "'Cause we all gotta stick together. Don't we?"
Lilian and Alvie nodded. Charlton, on the other hand, had his head down. He looked rather
depressed.
"Charlton," said Manny. "Are you not a part of the team? We have to stick together. Don't we?"
"Yeah," said Charlton. "I know."
"Come on," said Manny. "Cheer up."
"Oh, cheer up?" said Charlton. "Why didn't think of that earlier."
"Alright, so it's kind of a stupid thing to say," said Manny. "But what else should I tell you?"
"Tell me you have a time machine," said Charlton, "and we can go back into the past, and
change all of this."
"Sorry, I don't have a time machine," said Manny.
"Me neither," said Alvie. "Although I am working on it. Do any of you know where I can get
some plutonium?"
Lilian got up and sat beside Charlton to comfort him. She put her robotic arm around his
shoulder.
"Charlton," said Lilian, "I know you're scared, and you're home sick, and you want everything
to go back to normal, but -- man the fuck up."
"That's your advice, huh?" said Charlton.
"It's what my therapist used to tell me," said Lilian. "It kinda helped me get through rough
times."
"You got a therapist?" said Manny.
"I started going after I lost my limbs," said Lilian.
"But I hate him," said Alvie. "Why shouldn't I say something that would piss him off? When
you insult someone you're insulting them. There's nothing off limits, right?"
"I guess you're right," said Charlton, "but something about it doesn't feel right. What if God
exists and he's Chinese? You're insulting God."
"Remember, I'm an atheist?" said Alvie. "I don't believe in that shit. God can go --"
"Don't say it," said Charlton. "We will be cursed, if you do."
"Fine," said Alvie. "But it doesn't matter, because he doesnt exist."
"Why don't you believe in God?" said Charlton. "Because you're a scientist?"
"Exactly," said Alvie. "I'm an objective person at heart. I don't believe in things just because
people say so. Kids think Santa Claus is real, but does that mean he's real? Fuck no."
"Ah," said Charlton, "I feel sorry for you. There is no room in your heart for magic."
"Who needs magic when you have science?" said Alvie. "Science is better than magic. It's real...
It's da real MVP."
...
"So!" said Lilian. "Does anyone want to tell any scary ghost stories? We are sitting around a
campfire and all."
"Oooh," I have a ghost story," said Charlton. "I'm glad you asked."
"I don't believe in ghosts," said Alvie. "So this isn't going to scare me."
"Big man," said Manny.
"Alright," said Charlton. He leaned forward to tell his story. "It's about four teenagers. Just like
us. They were all sitting around a campfire telling ghost stories when --"
"Fuck, this is meta as shit," said Manny.
"Shhhh!" said Lilian.
"Sorry," said Manny.
"So, there they were," said Charlton, continue on, "sitting around telling ghost stories when they
heard the snapping of a branch."
Suddenly there was the sound of a branch snapping. Everyone whipped their heads back, but
couldn't see in the dark.
"What was that?" said Lilian.
"I heard it too," said Manny. "Is someone out there?"
"I know what this is," said Alvie. "You're trying to scare us, Charlton. Very clever. So, what, you
snapped a twig under your foot or something? No, wait. I get it. It's the fire. We put all this wood in
there and now it's crackling. So, it's perfect for your story, because it makes us think it's actually
happening. Clever. Most clever."
"I disagree with what you say," said Charlton, "but I'll defend to the death your right to say it.
Okay, maybe not to the death. But I'd definitely write a stern letter."
"Shhhh!" said Lilian. "I can hear something."
Lilian stood up, and turned her head, so that her ear pointed outward.
"Do you hear that?" she said.
There was a sound of crunching like that of someone stepping on leaves.
"I'm not hearing anything," said Alvie.
"Me neither," said Manny.
"That's because you've both you've both damaged your hearing by listening to loud music," said
Lilian.
"Oh shit," said Charlton. "I regret listening to all that Barry Manilow now."
"Quiet," said Lilian.
Lilian tiptoed over to where she thought the sound was coming from.
"It's getting louder," said Lilian. "It's growling... There's a heart beat... Lub dub, lub dub...
Someone is watching us."
ill. We had no hand in its demise. It just happens to be here. If we don't eat it some other creature will,
or it will go to total waste."
"But we did have a hand in killing it," said Charlton. "By we I mean Manny. And Lilian."
"What did I do?" said Lilian.
"Hey, I was only trying to defend myself," said Manny. "He came at me. I only got down to
avoid it."
"Alright, you all have your points," said Charlton. "But I'm still not comfortable with the idea of
eating a Sumatran tiger. It's so beautiful."
"It's not beautiful anymore," said Alvie. "It looks like a cross between a mole rat and a Siamese
cat. Look at it."
Charlton folded his arms. "Fine, then what will I eat?"
"There's probably some berries around here," said Lilian. "This is Canada after all. Fruit is
everywhere."
Charlton sighed. "So we're really going to do this? Okay, but it looks undercooked."
"We'll take care of that," said Manny.
"A bit of time over the fire will get it well done," said Alvie. "Unless you want it rare."
"Medium rare," said Lilian. "That's the way I likes it."
"Hurry up," said Charlton. "Let's carry this majestic creature over to the campfire."
On that behest Charlton, Lilian, Alvie, and Manny dragged the dead Sumatran tiger over to their
campfire. Alvie then took out his tiny motorized saw, and whirred the blade.
"Does anyone want the head?" said Alvie. "I want to take it as a souvenir."
"This is sick," said Charlton.
"Gimme a paw," said Manny.
"Lilian?" said Alvie.
"Ribs, please," she said.
"Are you sure you don't want anything?" said Alvie.
"No," said Charlton. "I'm not a barbarian."
At this moment Lilian looked down at her feet and noticed something laying in the ground,
under the dead leaves. She picked up the corner and found a newspaper. The story on the front page
was about a "MISSING TIGER" from the Montenegro Zoo, which was on loan from China.
Apparently, the tiger's name was Richard Parker.
"Hey, guys," said Lilian. "I think I know where the tiger came from." She showed everyone the
newspaper. "And the tiger's name was Richard Parker."
"I knew it came from the zoo," said Charlton.
"Wait a minute," said Manny. "I've seen this Richard Parker before. I went to the zoo with my
cousins. They have an exhibition at the Montenegro zoo, where you can play tug of war with it. Oh
God, I feel ill now. This is like eating a pet."
"I say we shouldn't eat it," said Charlton. "We should give it the proper burial that it deserves."
"I agree," said Manny. "A majestic creature as such deserves at least that."
Lilian nodded. "I'm 100% the way with you guys. Alvie, what do you think?"
"WHAT?!" said Alvie. He had already began cutting up the tiger. "I can't hear you very well
over the sound of me butchering this Sumatran tiger! Did you say his name was Richard Parker? Ha!
That's a cute name! Isn't that an Edgar Allan Poe reference?"
"Oh, Lord," said Lilian.
By the time Alvie was done the tiger was neatly cut into several pieces, with the head preserved
as a trophy of sorts. Alvie then started roasting Richard Parker over the flame and handed out the
cooked meat to Lilian and Manny.
"Are you sure you don't want any?" said Alvie, who was now eating a portion of tiger meat.
"I think I'm going to go look for berries now," said Charlton
He got up and wandered around, while the others stayed behind eating.
"Not bad," said Lilian. "Could use a bit of salt though."
Manny sucked the tiger meat juice from his fingers.
"Tastes better than anything else I've ever had," he said. "It's like every single animal that tiger
ever ate all rolled up into one. It's so juicy and tender. It's melting in my mouth. Alvie, can I get a bit of
its ribs?"
"Sure," said Alvie. "There's plenty to go around."
Chapter 27: The Road
The road was long with many a winding turns. It led the group to a small town called Smallington.
Smallington was a small, Canadian town that was known for its maple syrup production and harvesting
of innocent beavers. It only had a population of 3,409 people, but each person enjoyed their living,
which provided them with quaint log houses, plenty of trees, birds, wildlife, and fishing by the lake and
river.
"Wow, this place sucks," said Alvie. "I bet they only have one horse here."
"What's with the negativity?" said Lilian. "This place isn't so bad. It's...cute."
"I'm telling you," said Manny, "I bet a serial killer lives here."
"I'm more worried about us getting caught and turned in," said Charlton. "What if one of the
townspeople tells on us?"
"Won't happen," said Lilian. "People in towns keep to themselves. They don't want their quaint,
little, established lives interrupted. That's what small towns often have serial killers."
"Wonder if they have a Tim Hortons here," said Manny.
"In a small town like this?" said Alvie. "Doubt it."
Charlton pointed. "What's that then?"
It was a Tim Hortons. Not the largest Tim Hortons, but a Tim Hortons nonetheless.
"Well, I'll be a son of a bitch," said Alvie. "These Tim Hortons are everywhere. It's like it's a
national chain or something."
"Shall we go on in?" said Charlton.
"What else is there to do here?" said Lilian.
Charlton, Lilian, Alvie, and Manny visited the local Tim Hortons. It was full of people, scarfing
down donuts, and sipping on coffee, and tea. They paused and turned their heads to look.
"I don't think we blend in very well here," said Lilian.
"Just act like them" said Manny.
Manny nodded to a customer and spoke in a southern accent. "Hey, y'all. Don't mean tah rustle
yer Jimmies, but do ye know where a boy can get some respiration 'round these parts?"
The customer looked away and continued eating her muffin.
"The hell was that?" said Alvie. "Respiration?"
"That's not a word?" said Manny.
"Not one used correctly," said Alvie.
"Never mind," said Manny. "Am sick of these people already. Let's just line up and get some
food already."
"Yes, let's do that," said Charlton.
Charlton, Manny, Alvie, and Lilian then got into the back of the line for some sugary provisions.
There was an old man at the front paying for his food in nickels, dimes, and quarters. He counted aloud
as he went along. "Ten cents... Fifteen cents... Twenty cents... Twenty five cents... No, wait, I got
confused. Let me start over again..."
"Aw, for fucksakes," said Alvie.
Half an hour later the old man finished ordering his small cup of coffee. Charlton, Lilian,
"Listen up, everyone," he said, "I want you to come up here, and put your wallets and purses
into my bag. Cash and all. If anyone refuses, I'll be sending 'em to hell. Assuming you believe in a hell
and that you'll go there."
Reluctantly all the customers, including Charlton, Alvie, Lilian, and Manny, put their wallets,
and purses into the robber's money bag. By the end of it he was richer than Stephen King's therapist.
"Wow," said Pete. "Look at all this money. Finally, I can pay off a small percentage of my
student loans."
He then collected a garbage bag full of donuts. For some reason this infuriated Charlton.
Charlton stepped in front of Pete, getting in his way.
"Excuse me," said Pete. "Do you have a death wish?"
"Now, you listen here," said Charlton. "Taking everyone's money was one thing. I understand
the world runs on money, and you need it. But taking all the donuts? Come on. That's low. Most of
those are going to go to waste. You couldn't realistically expect to eat more than a few of them."
"I'm a hungry little boy," said Pete. "You don't know me."
"Either way," said Charlton. "I won't let you leave with those donuts."
Pete pointed his bow and arrow at Charlton.
"You're not going to shoot me," said Charlton. "I know your type. You're too much of a
coward."
And boy, was he wrong! Pete had no reluctance in shooting Charlton. Thankfully, he missed,
and only got him in the shoulder. Charlton fell back in agony.
"Oh God!" said Charlton. "This is a pain far worse than I imagined and I've only been shot in
the shoulder!"
"Ha!" said Pete. "Who's the coward now? Hm?"
Manny, who was behind boiling in anger, suddenly lashed out.
"That's it!" he said, and he ran behind Pete, and, at the perfect height, using all his strength,
uppercutted him straight in his delicate wiener.
When Pete doubled over in pain, Alvie and Lilian tackled him to the ground, and started
punching him wherever they could.
"Aggggh! Take that, you bastard!" Alvie said while thrashing his assailant. "How dare you rob
me! Do I look like an ATM?!"
"My punches are on behalf of womankind!" Lilian said as she punched. "Enjoy it, you filthy
man!"
"Puh-puh-please stop pummeling me," said Pete, shielding himself with his arms. "I'm not a bad
guy."
"You robbed everyone and shot my friend in the shoulder with an arrow," said Lilian.
"Okay," said Pete. "So, I am a bad guy. But does Jesus not say to forgive your enemies?"
"Luckily for me," said Alvie, "I'm an atheist."
And Alvie gave Pete the finishing blow and knocked him out cold. Then he stood up, with
Lilian, and along with Manny went over to Charlton to see whether he was okay.
"I'm dying," Charlton said in a strained voice.
"You're not dying," said Manny.
"There's this girl I'm in love with," said Charlton. "At school. Her name's Emicola. I know it'
sounds weird, but it's a combination of the name Emily, and her dad's favourite drink, obviously, CocaCola."
"What's your point?" said Manny.
"Tell her," said Charlton, "that I think she's a stupid slag, and that I hope she dies too."
"I thought you said you loved her," said Lilian.
"I do," said Charlton. "But I also hate her for being a deceitful whore. I mean, Jesus, how many
guys is enough for one person? I'm sure she has herpes."
"Um, okay," said Alvie. "I'll be sure to pass along the message."
"Thanks," said Charlton.
He closed his eyes and everyone around him thought he was dead.
"Omigod," said Lilian. "He's actually dead. Oh no."
Charlton opened his eyes. "No, I'm not. I was just taking a but of a rest."
"Shit, let's get you to your feet then," said Manny.
Lilian and Alvie helped up Charlton. They put his arms over their shoulders as the customers in
Tim Hortons stood by and watched. They began taking him over to the exit, slowly, and carefully.
Manny trailed behind.
"Shouldn't we call for an ambulance?" said Manny.
"The ambulance will come with the police," said Charlton. "We're wanted. So, that's not an
option."
"Oof, you're a lot heavier than you look," said Alvie.
"Sorry," said Charlton. "I didn't mean to be so fat."
"It's okay," said Lilian. "I'm not having any trouble whatsoever."
As Charlton, Alvie, Lilian, and Manny reached the glass doors to leave, a man nearby began
slowly clapping. Then as it were other people joined in too. At first they were clapping slow as well,
but the pace picked up, and all the customers in Tim Hortons started clapping. They were giving the
group an ovation for their heroic efforts. The group paused to look at all the people clapping. They
couldn't help but grin.
"You seeing this?" said Alvie. "They think we're bloody heroes. Literally bloody heroes. That
robber's blood got all over me when I was beating him up."
"This all very overwhelming," said Lilian. "I wonder if we'll get an award. We totally deserve
one."
"What's this feeling I'm getting?" said Manny. "I, I think I feel proud of myself."
"The clapping is like crack to my ears," said Charlton. "Mmmmm, crack."
Meanwhile, Pete, the robber was waking up. Seeing as everyone else was distracted, he stood
up, and quietly slipped out the front doors of Tim Hortons to make his escape. No one even noticed he
was gone. They were all so busy clapping and whooping that he went off undetected.
"Thank you, thank you, thank you all," said Lilian. "But we must be going now. Your clapping
is most appreciated."
"Stranger," said one of the townspeople. "At first I thought you were all a bunch of ugly freaks,
but I tell you, either way, you're welcome to stay here fer as long as yer like. You have my humble
gratitude."
"Umm, thanks," said Lilian.
"Don't let yourself be a stranger," said the stranger. "Y'all's come back now y'hear?"
"We will be back," said Charlton. "Don't you guys worry!"
And with that Charlton, Lilian, Alvie, and Manny left the Tim Hortons. While they were
dragging Charlton to Allah knows where, a small, Japanese man with a goatee approached them. His
name was Master Takara.
"Herro," said Master Takara. "How do you do? I am Masta Takara."
"Herro," said Manny. "How may we help you?"
"Let me heal you," Master Takara said to Charlton. "I know the Oriental secret to healing people
who have been shot with arrows."
"What's that?" said Charlton.
Master Takara grabbed the shaft of the arrow, stuck in Charlton's shoulder, and ripped it out.
"AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! FUCK!" said Charlton.
"I think you just made the wound larger," said Alvie.
"Not a good idea at all," said Lilian.
The Real Outcasts, who shortened their team name to "R-O," began their days of training, and there
were many ahead. If this book was a movie there would be a montage.
And it would be organized like this:
-Everyone in the Lake House dojo. Charlton, Alvie, Lilian, and Manny are in their martial arts
uniforms. They bow to Master Tanka, who is standing at the front.
-The group is now running up a hill. Struggling. Manny is lagging behind.
-They are doing some ridiculous exercises, like carrying buckets of water, slapping water with
their hands, doing push ups on their knuckles, and striking a Wing Chun dummy. It's tough.
-Now they're skipping. Then lifting weights. Then doing the bench press. Doing squats. Hitting
a heavy bag. Trying their best.
-Next they're sparring. They're practicing fighting against Tanaka. But Tanka is too strong and
swift, despite his age. He defeats them all, tossing them onto their asses.
-More running up hill.
-More weight lifting.
-Bicycling.
-Hitting the heavy bag. Hitting the Wing Chun Dummy.
-Swimming.
-Sparring against each other.
-They're now in the dojo, practicing their kicks, and punches.
-Then practicing elements Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. Judo. Sambo. Krav Maga. Etc.
-Cut to: Everyone's breaking boards.
-Their strength skill, and speed are improving.
-They're running up the hill with ease.
-They're lifting weights with ease.
-They're striking the heavy bag, and Wing Chun Dummy, with extreme precision, and power.
-The hill that they struggled to climb up once is now surmountable.
-Charlton, Alvie, Manny, and Lilian,are sparring against each other, looking acrobatic, doing
their kicks, and punches, like their joints are lubricated.
-Then finally they face off against Tanaka once more, and they all knock him down. Tanaka
grins as he's on the floor. He's given a hand and is helped up.
Once again in the dojo, Charlton, Lilian, Alvie, and Manny are knelt down, before Master Tanaka. He
is standing in front making a speech. Graduation music is playing.
"So," said Master Tanaka, "we come to the ending of our training. After three hard days, I feel
you are all ready to fight against crime. Young birds you may be, I believe you are ready to spread your
wings, and fly. Today, I give to the each of you the black belts you have earned. Charlton Saintcloud,
please come forward."
Charlton stood up and went to Master Tanaka. Tanaka tied a black belt around Charlton's hip.
Charlton bowed, then went back to his spot.
"Lilian Starr," said Tanaka. "You are next."
Lilian went up to collect her black belt too. She bowed and said thank you, and then, like
Charlton, returned to her spot.
"Mcbride," said Tanaka. "Alvie Mcbride."
Hastily, Alvie went up. Tanaka made a fist and in a friendly manner tapped him against his chin.
He then put the black belt around his waist, and announced the name of the next student: Manny
Morowitz.
Manny ran up.
"Aaah, Manny," said Tanaka. "You had your ups and downs, but here you are, you made it.
Finally."
"Thank you," said Manny.
Manny received his black belt. He was pleased as punch. Not sure how that works. How can
someone be pleased as punch? The fruit drink or punch as in punching someone in the head? Anyways,
he went back to his spot.
"Students, students, students," said Tanaka. "I am most pleased at how all of you have done.
You have gone beyond my most wildest expectations. Now you are most ready to fight crime. Take
these mortarboards and place them on your heads, then throw them in the air to celebrate."
Tanka handed everyone their mortarboards and then they threw them up in the air to celebrate
their achievement.
"Okay," said Tanaka, "enough celebration time. Let's go kick some arse!"
Chapter 31: The War Woom
Everyone was in the Lake House war room. They all sat around in a circular formation, like they were
at the United Nations. But unlike the United Nations they actually had plans to get something done.
"Master Tanaka," said Charlton. "What's our first assignment? I'm itching to do some crime
fighting."
"Well," said Tanaka, "we live in a small town. It's mostly free of crime. Although occasionally
someone will act like a douchebag."
"I say we leave this town, and go find some scumbags," said Lilian.
"No, we cannot," said Tanaka. "It is too dangerous. You must first build up your experience
here. Because remember none of you are Asian. You don't have magical abilities. You can't just go out
and expect to start roping in the criminals."
"Wait, I think we're forgetting something," said Manny.
"What is that?" said Alvie.
"We don't have alter egos," said Manny. "Shouldn't we each have a super hero name and a
costume? And catch phrases?"
"Damnit," said Tanaka. "It was so hard to come up with your team name. Now everyone needs a
nickname?"
"It won't be so hard," said Manny. "The team name was harder because we all had a say. This
time it's up to the individual. No bureaucracy to it."
"Okay," said Tanaka. "Let's hear it."
"I will be Superman," said Manny.
"I'm Batman," said Alvie.
"Damnit," said Charlton, "and what will I be?"
"Spiderman?" said Lilian.
"I don't wanna be Spiderman," said Charlton. "He is neither rich nor has the powers of a god."
"Thor?" said Lilian.
"Neh," said Charlton. "Reminds me too much of Shakespeare."
"Hang on," said Tanaka. "Are we not forgetting? Copyright infringement laws?"
Manny snapped his fingers. "He's right. We gotta be original. Alright, call me: The Wolverine."
"Taken," said Alvie.
"Okay," said Manny. "The Falcon."
"Taken," said Alvie.
"Fine," said Manny. "The Scorpion."
"Again," said Alvie, "taken."
"For fucksakes," said Manny. "All the cool names are taken."
"Screw it," said Lilian. "We're on the run from the law. It doesn't matter if the name's are taken.
As long as it's a generic word you can find in the dictionary, we should be able to use it. Why not? Why
does a company get to take a word and have it for themselves?"
"Why do we even need these nicknames anyway?" said Charlton. "Can't we just use our own
names?"
"We can't," said Alvie. "The criminals will stalk us then to get revenge."
"Well, what about cops?" said Charlton. "They don't seem to have these problems."
"Cops are different," said Manny. "They're part of a well funded organization, with weapons.
There are like four of us."
"Okay," said Charlton. "I understand, and I think my moniker shall be: Kaptain Krayzee!!!
Because people think I'm crazy. By the way, to set myself apart, it's spelt K-R-A-Y-Z-E-E and the
captain is spelt with a K too."
"Okay, my turn," said Manny. "I shall be Captain Pinball, because I'm quick, hard as steel, and
generally lots of fun."
"Wait, wait," said Charlton. "We can't have more than one captain."
"Why not?" said Manny.
"People are going to call me 'cap' for short," said Charlton, "and it's going to be confusing for
everyone."
"Fine," said Manny. "I'll be Princess Syborg. Cyborg spelt with an S. Again, to set myself
apart."
"Hey," said Lilian. "That's the name I wanted."
"Too bad," said Manny. "I gave up my first name. I ain't giving this one up."
"Come now," said Tanaka. "Be a sport."
"Fine," said Manny. "You can be Princess Syborg. But I'm not too pleased with you taking my
name."
"Me next," said Alvie. "I'm going to be Doctor Kickass. 'Cause I'm as smart as doctor, and I
kick some serious ass."
"That's a silly name for a hero," said Manny.
"Oh, like yours is any better," said Alvie. "Wait, that's right, you don't have one!"
"Please," said Tanaka, "calm down. Manny. Take some time to think about a name that
represents who you are."
Manny closed his eyes to think for a moment. "I will be, uh... Captain Tanaka!"
Everyone groaned like, "Aw, c'mon!"
"What?" said Manny.
"You're not picking that name," said Lilian. "It's just weird. You have to choose another one."
Manny held his head. "Grrrrr, this is so difficult. Every single good name is taken. There's
nothing left. This is why I keep telling everyone that length of copyright is way too long. The author's
life, plus 50 years after death. That's way too much."
"Maybe," said Lilian.
"Mannysan," said Tanaka. "Relax your mind. Let it come to you naturally. Do not stress it."
Manny folded his hands, stared blankly, and then snapped his fingers.
"I got it," he said. "I'll call myself the Nutpuncher. I'm always punchin' people in their nuts.
Why not? What do you guys think?"
Nobody liked the name. But they all nodded, "Yeah, that's great. Perfecto!"
Manny was pleased, and then he became THE NUTPUNCHER.
Chapter 32: Nutpuncher, Princess Syborg, Doctor Kickass, and Kaptain Krayzee
Tanaka led Nutpuncher, Princess Syborg, Doctor Kickass, and Kaptain Krayzee through his house.
They wondered where they were going as he took them into the basement.
"D-uh," said Alvie. "It's to show off our dashing good looks. Don't you want to show off that
beautiful face of yours?"
Manny shrugged, then the door to 24 Ferry Crescent swung open. It was answered by Jojo
Junior. Like described he had star tattoos on his face. Unlike described he was 8 feet tall, had steroid
grown muscles, and a very sharp looking cricket bat.
"Hello," said Charlton, "I --"
"I TOLDS YOU PEOPLE TO FACK OFF!" said Jojo Junior, and then he swung his bat at
Charlton so hard that is broke over his head.
Charlton stumbled back and fell to the ground unconscious.
"Oh crap," said Alvie.
Then Alvie got a taste of Jojo's fist, and Manny was tossed aside like a small sack of potatoes.
Lilian was the only one quick enough to roll out of the way and avoid getting struck.
"Looks like it's up to you," Lilian told herself.
And she did a fancy jump, and flipped herself up onto Jojo Junior's back, where he could not hit
her. Jojo tried shaking her off with all his might, but found she stuck to him like a gecko.
"Arghhh! Get off me!" said Jojo.
Lilian wrapped her arms around Jojo's neck and squeezed, cutting off the oxygen supply to his
brain. She held it for 6 seconds and made him go unconscious. (Yes, 6 seconds doesn't seem like a long
time, but it is plenty. Any longer and you put someone's life in danger. As a rule, holding a choke more
than 10 seconds has the risk of causing permanent brain damage or death. Which is not what any hero
or heroine would want to do.)
"Night night," Lilian said as Jojo crumpled to the ground.
Alvie, Manny, and Charlton awoke.
"You okay?" said Lilian.
"I think so," said Charlton. "My suit protected me. But shit it still hurt like a mother fucker."
"Yeah, hurt like a mother fucker," said Manny.
"Ditto," said Alvie. "Mother fucker."
"I guess I really cleaned up, huh?" said Lilian.
"Wait," said Manny. "We were supposed to get money from him." Manny tapped Jojo with his
foot. "He's unconscious. How are we going to make our demands?"
"Oh," said Lilian. "Yeah. I forgot about that."
"Let's just go in his home and take the money," said Alvie.
"Now, even I know that's wrong," said Charlton. "That's stealing."
"He owes Master Tanaka 2,000 bananas," said Alvie. "What's the difference between beating
him up to get the money and just stealing it? Come to think of it a straight up stealthy burglary would
be far less traumatic, psychologically speaking."
Charlton seemed flustered.
"This, this, this -- this is a moral dilemma!" said Charlton. "What should we do? Lilian? You
always seem to have good instincts about this stuff."
"Never mind," said Money, "I've got the money."
He waved a stack of colourful Canadian bills in his hand.
"Where'd that come from?" said Charlton.
"Ah, while you were yapping, I popped on inside the house, and took the cash," said Manny.
"Wasn't too hard. Not like he had a safe or anything"
"Christ," said Charlton.
"Let's go," said Lilian. She hopped on her bicycle. "Master Tanaka is going to be very pleased
with us."
So, Lilian, Charlton, Alvie, and Manny returned to Master Tanaka, who was tanning in front of his lake
house. He took the money casually and put it into his back pocket.
"Ah, yes, excellent work," said Master Tanaka. "I have some more work for the four of you."
"Oh boy," said Manny. "Here we go. It's gotta be something exciting now, isn't it?"
"Not really, no," said Master Tanaka. "I need you to collect money from another person."
"Aw, come on," said Alvie.
"This is just to build up your experience," said Tanaka. "You have to do this."
"Well, okay," said Lilian. "If it's to get experience."
"What is it?" said Charlton.
Tanaka told Charlton and the others the address of another person who owed him money. Then
they went off and collected it. It was a success, but something about it didn't feel right. The days went
by. No new, exciting assignments were given to the group. Over and over again, week after week they
kept being told to do the same old thing. It was always about collecting money.
One day, Charlton got fed up. Bursting through a door, he confronted Tanaka, who was relaxing
in his brand new hot tub.
"Master Tanaka," said Charlton.
Tanaka had his eyes closed. "Not now, I'm reraxing. Ooooh, I feel like an egg in a boiling pot of
water."
"Master Tanaka," said Charlton. "I have a complaint."
"Write a note and put it in a box," said Tanaka.
Charlton went forward and looked right down at Tanaka, so his voice could be heard.
"MASTER TANAKA," said Charlton. "I really need to speak with you."
Tanaka took the cucumbers off his eyes and sighed. "What do you want, Charltonsan?"
"I have a complaint," said Charlton.
"Oh, here we go again," said Tanaka.
"Every single assignment you give us," said Charlton, "we're collecting money for you. Alvie
told me that you're probably a loan shark. Is that true?"
"I wouldn't call myself a shark," said Tanaka. "I'm a provider of a much needed service. When
people are destitute, and in great financial need, like the bank, I take advantage of them, loan them the
money, and charge them an exorbitant, and unfair, interest rate. With lots of hidden fees and charges."
"That's terrible," said Charlton. "I don't want to work for your anymore. Me and the others will
hunt down Handsome Sam ourselves. Because that's what we came here to do."
"Listen to me carefully," said Tanaka. "This lake house costs money. Housing the four of you
costs money. Those fancy super hero suits you wear cost money. I need a way to pay for that stuff. You
collecting money from deadbeats helps me out. I don't do this because I'm evil. I'm not an evil financial
guy, who only cares about the almighty dollar. I have feelings. I have ideals. It's just that I've hit hard
times, so, sorry, I'm using you guys to get the help I need."
"If you're on such hard times," said Charlton, "why did you buy this hot tub? I'm sure this was
at least a couple grand."
"It was $11,000," said Tanaka, "and can't I treat myself once in a while, Charltonsan? Don't I
deserve that? The world is such a mean, cruel place, with cruel people. I just wanna have a slice of the
good life for once -- at the expensive of others. Is that so wrong?"
"Yes," said Charlton, "yes, it is."
"Well," said Tanaka, "what are you going to do about it?"
Charlton took a moment to think, but -"I don't know," he said. "Nothing, I guess."
"Mwah-ha-ha!" Tanaka laughed. "My obedient dog. I have trained you well."
Suddenly Charlton got angry. He grabbed Tanaka by the neck and held him in the hot tub.
"What, what're you doing?!" said Tanaka.
Charlton turned the dial on the hot tub and cranked it up to boil.
Tanaka gasped. "You're going to boil me alive! ...Why is there a 'boil' setting on a hot tub? Who
manufactured this product?"
"Open your little Asian ears," said Charlton. "I won't let you jerk me around anymore. I want to
do something good with my life. I want to be a hero. Because I'm not here to collect your debts. I'm not
your monkey, Tanaka."
Tanka tried pulling away from Charlton, but was too weak to do so.
"O-okay," said Tanaka. "I'll stop being a jerk. But I'd like to clarify I never called you a monkey.
I called you an obedient dog."
Charlton squeezed Tanaka causing him to make a croaking noise. Urk!
"And I don't want to ride around on a bicycle anymore either," said Charlton. "I want something
that goes 'Vroom! Vroom!' not 'Tring! Tring!"
"Okay, okay, anyt'ing you want," said Tanaka. "Just let me go -- !"
Charlton let go of Tanaka and turned down the temperature on the hot tub. Without saying
anything more he stormed off, leaving the Lake House spa.
"Christ," said Tanaka. "What an asshole."
Chapter 34: Little Wiener
Charlton, Alvie, Manny, and Lilian came off their motorcycles. In their super hero uniforms they stood
atop a hill and looked down at a farmhouse.
"Alright," said Charlton. "Here we are."
"You sure this is the right guy?" said Manny.
"We have all sorts of photographic evidence," said Alvie.
Alvie showed everyone photos of a young man vandalizing a bus station, knifing his name into
the glass, and painting it with pictures of an anthropomorphic penis wearing a king's crown. Because of
this, this young man gained the nickname Dickmeister.
"So, this is the abode of the Dickmeister, eh?" said Lilian. "It doesn't look that evil."
"Don't be fooled," said Charlton. "He's vandalized many bus stops, and brick walls, and set
aflame several garbage cans. The total cost amounts to nearly $95,000 or what a Canadian teacher
makes in one year."
"Wow, that's a lot of dosh," said Manny. "We're gonna make this scumbag pay."
"Wait," said Alvie. "Let's double check. We don't want to mete out justice to the wrong person."
Alvie took out a pair of binoculars and put them up to his eyes. He looked through a window in
the farmhouse and saw the vandal named Dickmeister. Dickmeister was a small, skinny fellow with
short black hair. He was masturbating to drawings of Japanese schoolgirls on his PC, while listening to
the music of Nobuo Uematsu.
"There he is," said Alvie. "It's definitely him. My God his penis is tiny. It can't be more than two
inches."
"Ah, yes," said Manny. "Vandals always have small penises. Not that there's anything inherently
wrong with small penises, so long as it's in proportion to your body size. But as it is vandals have small
penises in proportion to their body sizes."
"It's a well known fact," said Lilian. "People who do vandalism have tiny dicks. That's what
makes them vandalize places in the first place. They're angry at the world because their dicks are tiny.
So tiny that they can hardly masturbated properly; they have to use two fingers."
"Guys," said Charlton, "that is disgusting."
"It's true," said Alvie. "People who do graffiti and vandalize public property do have small
penises. Look for yourself."
Alvie handed his binoculars to Charlton.
"Wow," said Charlton, looking through binoculars. "His penis is mighty small. He probably
"Hold onto your horses," said Charlton. "We need a plan of attack."
Charlton strained, thinking of a plan.
"Well, Kaptain Krayzee," said Manny, "what's your plan?"
"Okay, okay, okay," said Charlton. "Does anyone have a carpet? Or a rug?"
"Why?" said Lilian.
"My plan is we roll up Dickmeister into a carpet," said Charlton, "and throw him off a bridge.
What do you think?"
"We're not murderers," said Lilian.
"Doesn't have to be a high bridge," said Charlton.
"Either way," said Lilian, "we don't have a carpet."
Charlton looked disappointed.
"Man," said Manny, "look at Dickmeister whip those slaves. He ain't lettin' up."
Downhill Dickmeister began using his left arm to whip his slaves as his right arm became too
tired.
"Fuck plans!" said Lilan. "I'm going down to kick some ass!"
Lilian ran down the hill, with a warrior's scream, and charged into the field. The slaves looked
up. Dickmeister somersaulted out of the way to avoid Lilian's jump. The the two then played a game of
cat and mouse, Lilian being the cat.
"Argh, why do you keep moving around?" said Lilian. "I'm only trying to assault you. Stay still
and let me assault you."
Dickmeister pushed out his lips. "Kiss my grits!"
He then threw out his whip and bound Lilian together, tying down her arms to her body. Despite
her strength she couldn't break free.
"I can't move my arms," said Lilian. "What is this special material that is constricting me?"
"It's bondage quality leather," said Dickmeister. "It's practically unbreakable."
Meanwhile, up on the hill...
"So," said Manny, "do you think we should go and help her?"
"I dunno," said Charlton. "To be honest, I'm not really in the mood to fight."
"Maaah," said Alvie. "She's tougher than the three of us combined. She doesn't need us."
"Agreed," said Manny. "Let's continue watching.... Does anyone have any popcorn?"
And so they continued watching Lilian struggle. Dickmeister tugged on his whip and reeled her
in. Lilian, who was now on the ground, was having trouble breathing. Dickmeister had his foot atop her
chest. He was bearing down his full weight.
"Hyuk-hyuk," said Dickmeister. "Lookie what we got here. Another slave. But not just any
slave -- a sex slave!"
Lilian screamed, "Aghhhhhhhhhh! Aghhhh! Help! You guys! Help me! Where are you?!?!?
Help! Help! SOS!"
"Who are you screaming to?" said Dickmeister. "No one's around here except me and you... The
slaves don't count though, because I don't consider them to be human beings. They're more like my
property."
"Grrr, you scum bucket," said Lilian. "If I get free, I'm going to tear off your head."
"Hyuk-hyuk!" Dickmeister. "The things I'm going to do to you."
"Yeah, like what?" said Lilian.
"First," said Dickmeister, "I shall cut off your titties."
"What? Ew, gross," said Lilian. "What's with you white people and your insults? And your
threats? Not to be racist, but white people are really disgusting. Whenever you guys insult people
you're all like: 'I'm gonna rip off your balls,' 'I'm gonna fuck you in your ass,' 'Suck my cock,' 'I fucked
your mom,' et cetera. I mean Jesus Christ. I know we're not being friendly to each other, but have you
ever heard of something called decorum?"
"Lemme tell you something about us white people," said Dickmeister. "We're crazy, okay? And
there's nothing wrong with that."
"Of course there's something wrong with that," said Lilian. "Who wants to be crazy?"
"Crazy is good!" said Dickmeister. "It means power and wealth! If you're not crazy you can't do
things like take over the world or wipe an entire race of people, aka the Jews."
"The Jews are still here," said Lilian,
"I know," said Dickmeister, "and it's infuriating. I hate Jews. They think they're so great, but
what have they done for anyone?"
"Well, 20% of all Nobel Prize winners are Jews," said Lilian. "They've made enormous
contributions to science."
"Okay, yes," said Dickmeister, "but what have they done lately? NOTHING."
"I hear your complaints," said Lilian, "but I ask, what about you? I don't see you doing anything
so great."
"Hellooooooooo," said Dickmeister. "I'm bringing back slavery and lemme tell you it's very
environmentally friendly. If we replaced all our cars with slaves carrying us on palanquins, we could
remove several billion pounds worth of carbon from the atmosphere."
"Well," said Lilian, "I guess you have some good points there, but I really would rather pollute
the air than be your slave. So please do me a favor."
"What's that?" said Dickmeister.
"GO FUCK YOURSELF!" said Lilian.
Then Lilian, using her raw strength, broke free of Dickmeister's whip. She sprang up to her feet
and wrapped herself around his body. She grabbed his head and started pulling at it.
Dickmeister screamed. "Oh God! Stop! The pain!"
"Don't make this head tearing off harder than it has to be," said Lilian.
"No," said Dickmeister. "Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"
A moment later his head was ripped off. It was a messy job, but the job was done. Lilian got up
and wiped the blood off her hands. At this time Charlton, Alvie, and Manny came down the hill, and
joined her. They saw what she had done. Dickmeister's head was just there, laying in the field, with a
horror of expression on its face.
"Jesus fuck Christ," said Manny. "You tore that guy's head clean off."
"Yeah, you tore that guy's head clean off," said Charlton, "and are you aware of the moral
implications? Not to mention the irony? We've become what we're fighting against!"
"Sorry," said Lilian. "I guess I just got aHEAD of myself."
"Oh, ha-ha, are we really doing jokes?" said Alvie. "Wait, I got one. Ah, wait...fuck. Naw, I
can't think of anything off the top of my HEAD."
Manny chuckled and clapped his hands.
"My turn," he said. He picked up Dickmeister's head and held it out with one hand. "Alas, poor
Yorick!"
But no one laughed.
"I don't get it," said Alvie.
"Seriously?" said Manny. "It's Shakespeare."
"I'll be honest," said Alvie. "I'm not up to snuff in the literature department. I'm more of a
STEM person."
"Who cares about Shakespeare anyway?" said Lilian. "He wasn't so great. Didn't he just copy
other people's stories? He's the Carlos Mencia of playwrights."
"Excuse me," said one of the slaves, "would you be so kind as to free us?"
"Oh, sorry," said Charlton. "Yes, we will free you."
Charlton went over to the slaves and inspected their chains.
"Anyone here know how to pick locks?" he said.
QUEERS, AND WEIRDOS MUST DIE...AND JEWS, AND BLACKS, AND IRISH. CAN'T STAND
THE BLACKS."
"Wow, what a hostile message to have," said Alvie. "Do you think this airship owner might be
from Scotland? Or Australia? Or Texas? Or perhaps Quebec?"
"Either way," said Lilian, "this is all sorts of wrong. What type of person hates the Irish? That's
like hating a Canadian."
"We need to follow that ship," said Charlton.
"How?" said Manny. "Those ten little slaves stole our rides. And I don't think we can run after
this thing."
"Alvie," said Charlton, "you know what to do."
"Don't call me Alvie," said Alvie.
"Why not?" said Charlton. "It's your name."
"Quiet down," said Alvie. "Remember we're in our uniforms? You have to call me by my alias.
I'm Doctor Kickass."
"Bleh, I forgot," said Charlton. "Alright, Doctor Kickass, you know what to do."
"What do I do?" said Alvie.
"You're the gadget man," said Charlton. "Surely you have a device for this particular situation?"
"Ah, yes, I do," said Alvie.
Alvie then took out a gun and began shooting wildly at the airship.
"Damn, bullets aren't penetrating," he exclaimed.
"Why do you have a gun?" said Lilian. "I thought we agreed no guns."
"You never know," said Alvie. "A gun can come in handy. What if I wanna play Russian roulette
-- but the other kids won't let me? I'll hold my gun to their heads and force them to let me play. It's rude
to exclude people from games, y'know."
"Al... Doctor Kickass," said Charlton. "Please. Do you have anything else? Like, I dunno, that
tracking device Master Tanaka gave us?"
"Right!" said Alvie.
Alvie went into his super hero pocket and pulled out a gadget that resembled a gun. He aimed
upward, assisted by a green laser, and shot a transponder at the airship. Ping! It hit it square on its side.
Perfect shot.
"Now we can track this son of a bitch," said Alvie.
Alvie put on a pair of high tech glasses, allowing him to a view through it a floating screen. The
screen showed a map, tracking the airship's trajectory, and location.
"Oh, God," said Manny.
"What?" said Alvie.
"You look like such a dumbass," said Manny.
"Yeah, because it's my fault, right?" said Alvie. "I invented these."
"Umm, you did invent them," said Charlton. "Originally it was just a screen you held in your
hand."
"I know that," said Alvie. "Did you not hear me? I said 'I INVENTED THESE.'"
"Guys," said Lilian, "youre giving me a headache, and coincidentally reinforcing my
propensity towards being a lesbian. Not that it's a choice or anything like that."
"Fellas," said Manny, "I think we ought to call Master Tanaka to ask what he thinks."
"I'd rather not," said Charlton. "Me and Master Tanaka aren't on such good terms."
"What say you?" said Alvie.
"Remember how I got us those cool motorcycles?" said Charlton.
"Yeah?" said Lilian.
"Well," said Charlton, "it required me to threaten Master Tanaka with death, by holding him
down in his hot tub, and cranking up the temperature to boil."
"Uh, there's no such thing as boil on a hot tub," said Alvie. "The bubbles are made by jets
pushing out air."
"Oh no?" said Charlton. "I clearly remember turning the dial on the hot tub up to boil."
"Actually," said Manny, "I switched out the stickers on the hot tub as a prank. Thought it would
be worth a laugh and clearly it was worth a laugh."
"And here I was thinking I was an everyday John Shaft," said Charlton. "Okay, then..." He
seemed rather discomfited. "...Let's call up Tanaka."
Chapter 36: Airplane!
Up in the air, soaring between the clouds was Master Tanaka flying a small airplane. In this airplane
were Charlton, Manny, Alvie, and Lilian. They were suited up, wearing parachute packs on their backs.
They sat near the windows, waiting for the time to exit.
"Is anyone else shitting themselves?" said Manny.
"If I was shitting myself," said Lilian, "I wouldn't admit to it."
"I'm shitting myself,' said Alvie. "Not a huge amount. Just a little. Like a smidgen. It's really
helped me to relax though. Try it out, everyone."
"No, thanks, I'd rather not crap myself," said Lilian.
Tanaka, who was at the helm of the airplane, shouted back, "Alright, R-O, get yourselves ready!
We're almost directly above the slave ship! Half a minute! T-minus 30, 29, 26... I mean, agh, fuck...!"
"Guys," said Charlton, "I'm not sure I'm ready for this. I mean -- what is the point? Sure, today
we rescue a bunch for slaves, but what about after that? They'll still be capturing slaves. It's not going
to make a big difference."
"Let me tell you a story," said Lilian. "There once was this kid on the beach, going around
rescuing starfish. They had all washed up on the sand, and he was throwing them back into the water.
So, a man came along and said to this kid, 'Why are you rescuing these starfish? There are so many of
them. Surely you can't rescue them all.' Then the kid replied, 'Fuck off or help out!' Then the man
helped out and together they rescued way more starfish."
"I'm still not convinced," said Charlton. "And I think you've told that story incorrectly."
"I tried," said Lilian.
"Don't worry," said Alvie. "I'll set Kaptain Krayzee straight."
Alvie got up and bitch slapped Charlton, so hard that a tooth came flying out of his mouth.
Actually, it was a piece of white gum, but for a while everyone thought it was a tooth.
"Ow," said Charlton, holding his mouth, "what did you do that for?"
"I was putting the senses back into you," said Alvie. "It's like when your TV's not working right
and you bang it with your fist. That usually fixes the problem."
"I'm not a television," said Charlton. "I'm a human being!"
"Charlton," said Manny. "I'll give you the same advice my dad gave me: BE A MAN. QUIT
CRYING, and STOP BEING SUCH A PUSSY."
"Hey," said Lilian, "that's sexist advice. As if you can't accomplish anything as a woman?
What's wrong with being a woman? We're as tough as you men, I'll have you know."
"Whoa, I never said it was good advice," said Manny. "That's just what my dad told me.
Generally, it never worked."
Charlton struck his own palm with his fist and made a whap! sound.
"You're right!" he said. "I should be a man." He nodded. "Because I am a man and that means I
can do things. On the other hand, if I were a woman this would be an impossible task. I'd probably
want to go home and run away with my tail between my legs."
Lilian had her arms folded and was staring daggers at Charlton. She looked like she was going
to explode.
"Ha, relax," said Charlton. "I was only pulling your leg, Lilian."
Lilian pointed. "Not funny."
Just then Tanaka announced, "Five seconds!"
Everyone stood up. Alvie pulled open the airplane door. The wind rushed in. The airplane
descended below the clouds and hovered precisely above the slave-carrying airship. Manny held onto
Charlton's leg to avoid getting swept away.
"Scared?" said Charlton.
"No, fuck you," said Manny.
"Surrre," said Charlton.
"ALRIGHTY!" Tanaka yelled. "It's time to go! No more time!"
"I'm scared," said Alvie.
"Let me help you," said Lilian. "If you'd stand over here..."
Alvie stood where Lilian pointed -- and then she kicked him out!!!!! Alvie screamed as he fell
out the airplane and plummeted down.
"Whoa, harsh," said Charlton.
"You too!" said Lilian.
And she grabbed Charlton, who had Manny attached to his leg, and tossed him out. Lilian then
followed. Soon all four heroes were sailing through the sky. Some were screaming. In great terror.
"Agh!" said Alvie. "My testicle have ascended into the upper regions of my body! How is that
possible?!"
"Stay calm," said Lilian, who was swimming through the air with great skill. "You won't do
yourself any better by panicking.
"Who's panicking?" said Alvie. "I'm just watching my life flash before my eyes, that's all."
"This is kinda fun," said Manny. "For once it is me looking down on everyone, and it feels
good. Bow down before me, world, for I am your king!"
"What's the matter?" Lilian said to Charlton. "Cat got your tongue?"
Charlton was ervous. So nervous that he neglected his sense of decorum and let out a big fart.
The fart propelled him forward. Alvie seeing this laughed. Manny did too.
"He-he-he," said Alvie. "Your fart is pushing you ahead."
"Hang on," said Manny. "Let me have a try."
Manny then farted and found himself accelerating at faster rate.
"Whoa," said Alvie. "That looks like fun."
Alvie had a fart as well to the same result as Manny and Charlton.
"I've an idea," said Manny. "Why don't we have a race? First one to land on the slave ship wins.
But everyone who loses has to eat a spoonful of the winner's poop."
"Wait," said Alvie. "A spoonful divided amongst everyone or a spoonful for each person?"
"A spoonful for each person, of course," said Manny. "And not a little spoon either -- a
tablespoon!"
Lilian rolled her eyes.
"I see you rolling your eyes," said Manny. "I assume you don't want to join in on the fun?"
"First off, a lady does not fart," said Lilian, "in front of company. Second, I automatically win
by not playing. The result of me not playing is a 0% chance of having to eat poop."
"...Don't think you'll win, eh?" said Alvie.
"She's a woman," said Manny. "She knows her gender is holding her back."
Lilian growled. "I could beat you with one arm tied behind my back."
"What about two?" said Manny.
"No can do," said Lilian. "I need that arm for pulling the ripcord on my parachute pack."
"So! It's on!" said Manny. "Charlton, is it on with you?"
Charlton, though unable to speak, gave Manny a firm nod.
hold them up. They were in a hasty mood yet took their time, so as not to alert anyone who might be
around. They went along the length of the wooden floor and continued on, until they came to what
looked like a cabin.
"Might be something in here," Lilian said in a low voice.
"I wanna know what the fuck is in these barrels," said Manny. "Maybe it's gold? Or better yet,
caviar!"
"Why in the world would you pick caviar over gold?" said Alvie.
"I'm hungry," said Manny. "Plus, I's never tasted caviar."
"You can use the gold to buy the caviar," said Alvie.
"But I'll have to pay taxes if I sell off my gold," said Manny, "and then pay more taxes when I
go to the market to buy the fish eggs. Alvie, you're not really thinking this through, are you?"
"Shhhhh!" said Charlton. "Keep your voices down and follow me."
Charlton, who lowered down to sneak, led the others around to the cabin door. He grabbed the
doorknob to turn it, but it was firmly locked.
"Shit," said Charlton. "Shit on a stick."
Alvie stepped in the way of Charlton. "I'll handle this."
As per usual he took out his tiny motorized saw; however, Charlton pulled back his hand.
"What are you doing?" said Alvie.
"Wait," Charlton whispered. "That thing is loud as balls. It'll give us away."
"How can something be loud as balls?" said Alvie. "Balls aren't loud."
"I'm not taking any chances," said Charlton.
"Just let me use my freaking saw," said Alvie. "We won't get caught."
"Did you just say 'freaking'?" said Manny. "You know, you're allowed to say fuck around us. We
don't really give a fuck about the word fuck, and that's the fucking way I likes it."
"Please," Charlton said to Alvie, "find another way to get into the cabin."
Alvie huffed. "We're standing in front of a glass door. Anyone who's in there would've seen us
by now."
Charlton looked through the glass door to peer inside the cabin.
"Wow, I can't believe it," said Lilian. "We were standing in front of a glass door this whole time
and I never even noticed."
"Bet it's brain damage from parachuting," said Manny. "You know, you can easily die without
oxygen?"
"Thanks for the tip," said Charlton. "I'll keep that in mind."
"Okay, so, do I get to saw now?" said Alvie.
"Forget this," said Lilian.
And she punched through the glass door and reached inside to open it up. She, Charlton, Alvie,
and Manny then went into the cabin. The cabin was a luxurious dwelling. There were leather bound
books on shelves going to the ceiling, leather armchairs, mahogany furniture, gilded trimmings, a
roaring fireplace, and the heads of various animals hung on the wall. I hear you. I know you're asking,
"What's so luxurious about animal heads?" Well, in place of their eyes they had jewels. It made them
look like they were possessed.
Alvie sniffed the air. "Wow. It smells like my grandfather in here."
"Your grandfather smells like Cuban cigars, and whiskey?" said Lilian.
"Pretty much," said Alvie.
"What're you doing smelling your grandpappy?" said Manny. "Are you gay and/or incestuous?
Not that there's anything wrong with that... Wait, no there is. Last one anyway."
"Guys," said Charlton, "keep your brains focused on the task at hand."
"What's the task at hand?" said Lilian.
"Uhhh, I dunno," said Charlton. "Look for interesting stuff."
Alvie pointed out the large painting hung over the fireplace. It was a portrait of who else but
Handsome Sam.
"I think I know who's the captain of this ship," said Alvie.
"Yeah, we all figured it out already," said Lilian. "It's Handsome Sam."
"Ooooh, that jerk off," said Manny. "He is the bane of my existence -- that and high shelves.
Heh. Just a little self-deprecating humour there. Actually, I have no problems at all with high shelves. I
usually just push up a chair, or get a stool, and stand on it. Takes but ten seconds to do so."
"Alright," said Charlton, rubbing his hands together, "let's ransack this place!"
And Charlton, Alvie, Lilian, and Manny went bonkers. Whilst rebellious music played in their
heads they overturned, smashed, broken open, and flipped whatever they could get their hands on. Ten
minutes later the cabin was completely wrecked.
"Did you find anything?" said Lilian.
Manny threw down a vase.
"Nope," he said, looking at the shards. "This vase contains nothing. What were we looking for
by the way?"
"Valuable information," said Charlton.
"I got something here," said Alvie.
Alvie picked up a mobile phone he'd found.
"What's all that then?" said Manny.
"It's Handsome Sam's cellphone," said Alvie.
"Is it locked?" said Charlton.
"Yes," said Alvie. "But I'm gonna hack it."
Alvie then sat down in front of a desk and began his hacking.
"Does anyone know the maiden name of Handsome Sam's mother?" he said.
"What?" said Lilian. "That's your idea of hacking? Guessing his security question?"
"I'm sorry," said Alvie, "but, if you haven't noticed, we're not in The Matrix."
"I don't know what it is," said Manny, "but I'm going to make a guess."
"You can't just guess it," said Charlton. "There must be hundreds of thousands of names to
choose from."
"True," said Manny, "but I'm going to pick the most common one."
"Right, hurry up," said Alvie.
"Wong," said Manny. "I'm pretty sure it's Wong."
"It's not going to work," said Charlton. "Do you really think the answer to his security question
is that easy?"
Alvie pressed some buttons on Handsome Sam's mobile phone, and then -"Okay," said Alvie, "it worked. Thanks, Manny."
Manny nodded.
"Hey," said Charlton, "aren't we supposed to call each other by our superhero names?
Remember? Manny's the Nutpuncher."
"That was my superhero name?" said Manny. "It's really stupid."
"You chose it," said Charlton,
"Bah, forget the names," said Alvie. "I'm sick of it. It's way too confusing."
"Fine," said Charlton, folding his arms. "If that's what you want. But I still like the name
Kaptain Krayzee."
"So!" Lilian said to Alvie. "What've you got on Handsome Sam?"
"Let's see," said Alvie, perusing Handsome Sam's mobile phone. "It seems here he is moderator
on several popular websites, and his blog indicates what his likes and dislikes. Says here he likes: fast
cars, marijuana, guns, sluts, and money. Okay, I don't see anything wrong here."
"Well, What does he dislike?" said Charlton.
"Handsome Sam," said Alvie, "dislikes: niggers, those niggers are that are yellow, sand niggers,
wops, kikes, gays, gypsies, Japs, transsexuals, cross dressers, faggots, uhm, wetbacks, beaners, coolies,
Pakis, Yanks, retards, fat asses, poor people, Chinese drivers, and fucking customers who are rude to
their servers."
"I know it's offensive," said Lilian, "but it makes sense. I mean the part about customers being
rude. The rest is pretty bad."
"Bah, this tells us nothing," said Charlton.
"Not true," said Alvie. "We know he likes moderating websites." He continued looking at
Handsome Sam's mobile phone. "Man, look at all these people he's banned. There must be thousands...!
He banned a guy for snoring too loud. That doesn't make any sense. You can't snore online. Unless you
make it into an audio recording. But that's not the case here."
"I don't care about him moderating websites," said Charlton.
"But he's being such a dickhead online," said Alvie. "He's banning and blocking all these people
just because they disagree with him. What ever happened to freedom of speech? You know what? I'm
gonna undo these bans. It's not fair."
Alvie began unbanning people through Handsome Sam's phone.
"Man," said Alvie, clenching his fists, "why are these moderators such dickheads?"
"The first question we have to ask ourselves," said Lilian, "is why do people become
moderators in the first place? When there is no financial reward?"
"Dunno," said Alvie. "They're crazy?"
"Yes," said Lilian, "but the main reason is they become moderators for the power. And who is
attracted to power? Dickheads. Dickheads are attracted to power. Because having power is fun. It
makes you feel good. As a moderator you get to be in control. You get to push people around and bend
them to your will. You get off on the juices that comes from the mild suffering of strangers. I tell you.
These moderators are pure, concentrated evil."
"And they're also losers," said Alvie.
"Yeah, that too," said Lilian. "I mean who the fuck would spend their time doing a job for no
pay? Obviously an unloved loser, with too much time on their hands. Oh, have you ever seen a
moderator in real life? They're all fat, and sweaty, and hairy, and they smell like Doritos.... It's funny
how that works. Doritos smell good, but the smell of Doritos on a person is disgusting. Technically,
you're getting the same scent, but somehow it's repulsive when transferred to a human being. I guess
it's really about context, huh? It's like hair. Hair on a woman's head, beautiful. Hair clogging up the
sink, yuck."
Charlton cleared his throat. "Doctor Kickass, have you found anything of actual use on that
cellphone?""
"I thought we dropped calling each other those silly names," said Alvie.
"Aw, c'mon," said Charlton.
"Fine, how about this?" said Alvie. "We'll only use it when there are strangers around?"
"Mmm, I dunno," said Charlton. "Sounds kinda confusing."
"What's confusing about it?" said Alvie.
"Alvie, Bloody hell," said Manny. "Let him do whatever he wants. He does what he wants and
you do what you want. And I'll do what I want. Which is to be a team player, and listen to our team
leader Charlton Saintcloud."
"What?" said Lilian. "I thought I was the team leader."
"No, clearly, it's Charlton," said Manny. "He was the first character introduced in this novel -that is our life. Life is like a book, isn't it?"
"So, that's how it is?" said Lilian. "Because Charlton's a man he gets to be team leader?"
"Oh boy," said Manny, folding his arms, "another FemiNazi."
"Yes, that makes sense," said Lilian, "because the Nazis went around fighting for women's
"Okay," said Charlton. "Let's go see what this portrait has to hide."
"Wait," said Lilian. "I'm the leader now. I get to say that. OK. Let's go see what this portrait has
to hide."
Lilian led Charlton, Manny, and Alvie over to the portrait of Handsome Sam hung over the
mantel of the fireplace. Lilian reached up, and pulled it back, discovering it was on hinges.
Chapter 37: Safe
When the the portrait was pulled back a safe was revealed. The safe, like all safes, needed a
combination to be opened.
"We need to get this safe open," said Charlton.
Manny replied, "Thanks for the tip, Captain Obvious."
"Kaptain Krayzee," said Charlton. "I'm Kaptain Krayzee. Not Kaptain Obvious. Please
remember that for future reference."
"Alvie," said Lilian, "do you think you can crack this safe?"
"Not without the proper tools," said Alvie.
"So the answer is no?" Charlton.
"Hang on a minute," said Alvie. "I think I hear someone coming."
Everyone turned their heads and heard the sound of footsteps.
"Stay here," said Alvie. "I have an idea."
"Wait," said Lilian.
But Alvie went off. He poked his head out the cabin and saw a generic security guard. He snuck
up behind the generic security guard, grabbed him around the neck, to hold him, and pushed his finger
in his back, mimicking the muzzle of a gun.
"Don't move," Alvie said in a low voice. "I got a gun. I'll shoot you full off holes, if you try to
alert anyone. Just follow me and you'll be okay."
The generic security guard nodded. Alvie led him into the cabin, over to the safe. The others,
looking on, were bewildered at what was happening.
""What's happening?" said Charlton.
"My friend here," said Alvie, "is going to help us open the safe. Just joking. He's not my friend."
"I don't know how to open the safe," said the generic security guard.
"Yes, you can," said Alvie. "All you need to do is use your head."
Alvie grabbed the back of the generic security guard's head and slammed it into the safe. The
safe cracked open and the generic security guard went unconscious. This was only possible because of
Alvie's superhero suit, which multiplied his strength.
"Good job," said Charlton.
"Thanks," said Alvie.
"There's so much blood on the floor," said Lilian.
"You think he's dead?" said Manny.
Manny tapped the generic security guard with his foot. There was no response whatsoever.
"I think he's dead," said Manny.
"Never mind," said Alvie. "He was a bad guy. Bad guys all deserve death. So, I'm told."
Charlton reached into the safe and pulled something out. It was a beige file folder.
"Look at this," he said. "I think we've got something here."
There was a label on the file folder that read: "The Master Plan (Aka The Final Solution)"
Charlton handed the folder to Lilian,
"Tell us what is says," said Charlton. "Since you're the leader now."
"OK," said Lilian, "let's see here..."
Lilian opened up the folder and found a collection of papers. They were drawings featuring
Handsome Sam. In them he was depicted destroying the world in various ways, of which included
eating the world, stepping on the world, shooting the world in its, and exploding it with bombs.
"This is straight up rubbish," said Lilian. "There's nothing here but silly drawings."
She showed everyone.
"Ah, yes," said Alvie, "he is quite the little artist. I see he's expressing his feelings."
"But it ain't no plan for nothing," said Manny.
"What?" said Charlton.
"Check the back," Alvie told Lilian. "Maybe he's written down some information."
Lilian inspected the papers.
"Nothing," she said.
"Wait," said Manny, "maybe there's more stuff in the safe."
Manny climbed atop Charlton, and reached into the safe. He pulled out what appeared to be a
book, but it had no words or pictures on the cover. It was discovered that this was in fact a diary.
Handsome Sam's diary to be precise.
"Ha," said Alvie, "he has a diary. What a loser."
"I have a diary," said Charlton.
"Never mind that," said Alvie, "what's the diary say?"
Manny turned the pages and skimmed Handsome Sam's diary.
He then began reading aloud: "Dear Diary, High School isn't turning out to be what I thought it
would be. I thought grade 9 would be awesome. But it's been a month already and I have no friends..
Everyone is mean to me, because I'm weird, and ugly. The girl I asked out to the dance laughed in my
face. I feel like crawling into a hole and dying."
"LOL!" said Manny.
"That's not funny," said Lilian. "And who says 'LOL!' ? It means 'laughing out loud.'"
"Go on," said Charlton. "What else does it say?"
Manny skipped a couple pages ahead and again read aloud. "Dear Diary, today a mentally
challenged boy peed on my leg while I was beside him in the urinal. Everyone laughed at me, including
the teacher, and the principal who heard the story. I haven't gotten any apology from the mentally
challenged kid's mum or dad, nor have I heard back from them after I wondered whether they could
clean my urine soaked trousers."
Manny read some more: "Dear Diary, Every day I look in the mirror, I feel depressed and sad.
All the kids at school leave me out and I never get invited to any parties. I'm the most unpopular person
here. They're always picking on me, and making fun of my weight, and playing pranks on me. Not to
mention the physical torment. They're always punching me in the arm, and pushing me aroound, and
tripping me as I go by. I complained to Mrs. Smith that someone lit my hair on fire, but she told me to
be quiet, and not interrupt her lessons."
More pages of Handsome Sam's diary were read: "Dear Diary, I don't believe I'm meant to be
around people. I keep hoping for things to improve, but school keeps getting worse and worse. Mum
told me Torontonians are nice, but I don't agree so far. I have since relegated myself to my bedroom,
where I spend time playing video games alone, watching TV, and browsing the internet. I've taken up
the hobby of becoming a moderator. It makes me feel good that I'm helping out and making a
contribution, in a place where I feel accepted."
More pages: "Dear Diary, After several months Toronto, I feel myself changing inside. I'm
starting to think bad thoughts. I'm just so angry all the time. Why can't people be nice to me? Why can't
I have a girlfriend, and friends, and have fun like everyone else? Why must they exclude me? I think all
the negativity might be affecting me behavior. I'm taking out my rage online. As a moderator on several
websites, I've begun banning people for no reason at all, simply because they disagree with me. But
you know what? It kinda feels good. It feels nice getting revenge. I'm sure these people would reject me
in real life, but here I am, putting them through the wringer, and making them squirm. I like this feeling
moment. Does he deserve to die because he's in bad company? He's only cleaning up and stuff."
"No, we're not wasting our time on them," said Lilian. "When they blew up the Death Star in
Star Wars no one cared. Why should we? It's collateral damage as far as I'm concerned.'
"Really now?" said Charlton.
"Stop being so mean," Alvie told Lilian. "Think of the Children."
"What children?" said Lilian.
"I dunno, they might be on board," said Alvie.
Lilian sighed. "Alright, alright. We'll free the workers. And their children, and the slaves, and
anyone else here who might be innocent. Okay? Is everyone happy?"
Alvie, Manny, and Charlton nodded.
Chapter 37: Aaaaaaaaaaaattack!
Charlton, Lilian, Alvie, and Manny left the airship's cabin. They went around and found a door that was
presumed to lead inside. But it was locked. There was absolutely no way in. They tried sawing on its
hinges, they tried kicking it open, but to no avail as it was pure, solid steel.
"Damnit," said Lilian, "Why did you guys throw that security guard overboard? We could've
used his keycard, but nooooo you all thought the idea of him waking up while sailing through the sky
would be a funny prank."
"Hey, I was going to eat shit for a laugh," said Manny. "My behaviour shouldn't really surprise
you."
"My superhero suit is yellow," said Alvie. "You can't ever be serious in a getup like this."
"But it was fun watching him drop though," said Charlton. "You should've seen the look on his
face. Wait, we never saw the look on his face, because he was below us. But I'm sure it would've been
something like this..."
Charlton put his hands on the side of his face and opened his mouth wide, like he was both
surprised and shocked.
"Whatever you think," said Lilian, "we've screwed ourselves, and wasted a good parachute.
Yeah, now at least one of us can't get back down, if we're stuck here."
"Relax," said Manny. "We'll think of something."
"Like what?" said Lilian.
"There's an air duct," Manny said, pointing. "We can shout for help. Sound travels quite well
through those things."
"I have a better idea," said Charlton. "We can sit around, and wait until someone comes up
here."
"OR you can go into the air duct," said Alvie.
"Sorry," said Manny, "I won't be doing that. It's undignified. I shouldn't be forced into a crevice
just because I'm small. It's unfair."
Lilian picked up Manny.
"Hey, put me down!" said Manny. "Where you taking me?"
Lilian held Manny by the air duct opening.
"Whoa, wait! This isn't the movies!" said Manny. "Air ducts aren't the crawl-friendly
environments they make them out to be! There could be centipedes inside!"
Manny's words fell on deaf ears, and Lilian chucked him into air duct without any guilt
whatsoever. Manny slid in and found himself on his bum, facing the dark.
"Are you okay in there?" Charlton said from above. His voice echoed.
"Yeah," said Manny, "I'm fine. I'll let you know if I need anything."
"Be careful," said Lilian.
"You put me in here!!!!!" said Manny. "You bitch!!!!!"
day. By and by, if you want to leave this place go straight down, and take a left. You'll find your exit."
Manny raised his brow.
"You rascal," he said. "This whole time... You were just testing my heart, weren't you?"
The homeless man chuckled. "Yeh-heh-heh. You passed the test with flying colours. Now go on,
git outta here, sonny."
And with that Manny went on his way. He went straight down and as instructed took a left.
However, he took but a few steps before stopping. There was something in his way.
Manny shone his flashlight and squinted as if in disbelief. Ahead of him was a pile of skeletons,
with their clothes still on. He stepped forward, out out curiosity, and grabbed a femur (leg bone). He
looked at it and noticed it had numerous bite marks.
"What's happened here?" said Manny.
Manny heard a noise and turned around. The homeless man was in front of him, staring
downward.
"So," said the homeless man, "it seems you've discovered my secret."
"No, actually, I haven't," said Manny. "What is your secret?"
"Since you know my secret," said the homeless man, "I'll have to kill you."
"I told you," said Manny, "I have no idea what you're talking about."
"Don't play dumb," said the homeless man. "I've been eating people to survive."
"Oh my goodness," said Manny. "That can't be very nutritious, can it?"
The homeless man beat his chest and roared like a gorilla. Manny, sensing some sort of danger,
climbed over the pile of skeletons, and began running in the opposite direction. The homeless man,
though wearing shoes with holes in them, was quite a speedy fellow. He gave chase to Manny without
so much as a misstep.
Manny was beginning to get tired. He was kicking and moving his legs as fast as possible. His
limited stature, however, made it difficult to do any type of sprinting.
"I gave you money!" Manny said while running. "You ungrateful bastard!"
Saliva running down his chin, tongue out, fangs showing, the homeless man roared, "I must
feed! You flesh will sustain me!"
"If I'm honest," said Manny, "I'm mostly bones."
"I like bones," said the homeless man. "The marrow is delicious."
"Come to think of it," said Manny, "I'm mostly flesh. Skin, and organs, and such."
"Rawwwwr!" went the homeless man, and he ran even faster than before, then corned Manny in
a dead end.
There was a grille at the dwarf's back, but it was not a door that could be swung open.
Defensively, Manny held the leg bone he took, and swung it back and forth as a weapon.
"Stay back!" said Manny. "I will bone you so hard, you won't know what hit you!'
The homeless man was undeterred. He slowly stepped forward with his hands curled like claws.
Mouth ajar he bared his rotten teeth and let his tongue hang loosely, dribbling hot saliva to the ground.
"Don't fear being eaten," said the homeless man. "You will become a part of my body and live
on as various nutrients."
"I don't wanna be your nutrients," said Manny. "I wanna be...a real boy!"
Suddenly the homeless man lunged at Manny and grabbed him. He then lifted the dwarf toward
his wide, open, hungry, stinking mouth. Manny winced, feeling the hot breath on his face.
"Is this it?" Manny thought. "Is this the end of Manny Morowitz, beloved, but misunderstood
dwarf...? NEVER! Goonies never say 'die!' Not a Goonie, but if I was, I would totally be radist person
in the group."
Then Manny took the bone in his hand and rammed it straight down the homeless man's throat.
The homeless man choked, but could not removed the bone, as Manny was holding the bone, and
holding his face to keep them together.
Urk! Urk! the homeless man went, and he passed out from lack of air, and collapsed. Manny
stood up, letting go of the bone. He put his hands on his hips and stared at the fresh corpse in front of
him. He tried thinking of a clever, witting saying to mark his triumph, but all he could say was,
"YOLO!"
"Ah, fuck," said Manny. "Never mind."
He turned around and faced the grille, which let air move through. He stared listlessly between
the spaces. It appeared there was an office below and that a drop onto the nearby desk would only be a
manageable few feet.
"Guess this is my way out," said Manny. "But how do I get through this vent?"
Manny tried kicking the grille several times to no avail. He yelled at it too, telling it to open up.
He even said open sesame and still the same result.
Then he heard the voice of an old man that whispered, "Manny, use the bones. The bones,
Manny -- the bones!"
"Maybe I should use the bones?" said Manny.
And he took the bone out the homeless man's throat and jammed it into a space between the
grille. He pushed it up and down like a lever, working the sides as well as the middle. Soon after, with
the bars bended, there was enough room to get through.
Manny climbed out the hole he had made and dropped down onto a desk in what appeared to be
an office. When he hopped off he noticed a map of the airship hung on the wall.
"Why, this looks useful," he said, then he took out a lighter and burned up the map. "Now the
bad guys won't be able to use it. He-he-he."
Manny then went through the office door and left. He found himself in a hallway. The hallway
was colourless and had an industrial feel to it. There were no indications where to go. There were only
two paths: left and right.
Manny, went right, up the stairs, leading to a big, heavy, steel door. He jumped and grabbed the
handle. When the door opened Charlton, Lilian, and Alvie were standing on the other side.
Chapter 38: Freedom
"Manny," said Charlton. "So glad to see you."
"Likewise," said Manny.
Lilian rushed down the stairs.
"Follow me," she said. "I know where to go."
"What's changed since you were locked out?" said Manny.
"Apparently, they have this slave ship on Google maps," said Alvie. "Can you believe it? What
don't they have?"
Manny, Charlton, and Alvie went down the stairs to follow Lilian. Lilian took took quiet steps
through the hallway ensuring she wouldn't make noise. The others stuck close behind, wiating on her
command. After going through the hallways of the airship they stopped by a wall to hide.
"Why are we hiding?" Charlton whispered.
"There are armed guards we have to take care of," said Lilian.
Lilian used a mirror to look around the corner. There were two armed security guards standing
in front of an unmarked door. Their names were Bill and Will. They were immigrants from the heart of
England: Manchester. Manchester England.
"Oy, Bill," said Will. "Don't you fink it'd be woizer tah not guard dis 'ere door. I mean don't you
fink dat us standin' 'ere makes it even mo' suspicious? It's loike when you've got an alarm sticker on yer
house. Don't dat just make da robber fink 'yah, there must be somefink good in dere'?"
"You's moy close mate," said Bill, "but yah ain't vereh bright. T'ink about it. What ifs dey's
already got in minds where dey's headed? Like if day knows where da good stuff already is? Then da
absence of guards is gunna make deir jobs even easy-ah, innit? Plus dere's da fact dat we needs
employment. So shut yer gob, Will, or I'll be shuttin' it fer yah."
"Bloody hell," Manny whispered, behind the wall. "What language are they speaking?"
"I think it's English," Alvie whispered back. "I thin
"Oy, Bill," said Will. "Do ye' hear a noise? Sounds like someone's whisparing around dat
corner."
"Hm," said Bill, "why don't you check it out?"
"You wut, mate?" said Will.
"I says you ought to check it out," said Bill.
"Naw, man," said Will. "I mean do I looks like a fighter to yeh? I couldn't punch me way out a
paper bag. Am bein' dead serious with dat one. I went on a TV show, got in a giant, prop paper bag,
then tried punchin' me way out. Couldn't even do it for fucksakes"
"Mm, I bet I could," said Bill.
"I fink you under estimate the durability of dat giant paper bag," said Will. "It was quite thick."
"Like you?" said Bill. "Wah-ha-ha-ha!"
"Dat's it," said Will. "Am sick of yer shit."
Will punched Bill in the face. Bill held his nose.
"Bloody fucking hell," said Bill. "Wut was dat fer?"
"I tolds you, I ain't takin' yer teasin' no more," said Will. "I bloody well meant it."
"You wanker!" said Bill, and he jumped out at Will, and put his hands around his throat.
To which Will responded with a swift kick to Bill's "bollocks."
Then a gun fight between the two broke out and they shot each other to death. At this point
Charlton, Alvie, and Manny were ready to come out from hiding, but Lilian put her arm out to stop
them.
"Hold on," she said.
Then a third (armed) security guard, this one living, appeared in the hallway, where the door
was. He went over to Will and Bill, and looked down at their bleeding bodies.
"Aw, for Chrissakes," said Phil. "I go to the bloody baffroom for one bleedin' second and they
kill each otha. Oy, this is not what I'd call a good day... Then again what can yeh do, other than accept
the tragedies that happen in life? No use stressin' out 'bout it."
And Phil stood in front of the door that was previously guarded by Will and Bill.
"I ought to get a pay raise for this," said Phil. "Am bloody traumatized 'ere. I've got blood on me
boots. Not on me 'ands though; this was not my doin'."
"Now what?" Charlton whispered to Lilian.
"Our super hero suits have an invisibility feature," said Lilian.
"Really?" said Charlton.
"Indeed," said Lilian. She showed Charlton a button on her forearm. "Press this button here."
"So what do you want us to do?" said Manny. "Go invisible and take him out or something?"
"Well, the four of us together will make too much noise," said Lilian. "We'll need one person to
go and do the job."
Alvie raised his hand. "Oooh, me, me, me. I've always wanted to be invisible. Please let me try."
"You sure?" said Lilian. "Maybe it should be me."
"I think it should be you," said Charlton.
"Me too," said Manny.
"You guys," said Alvie. "I really want to do this. I swear, I won't mess it up. Anyways, our suits
are bullet proof, no?"
"Go ahead," said Lilian. "Just be sure to be quiet."
"I'm not an idiot," said Alvie. "I know that."
"Hurry up," said Lilian. "We don't have much time."
Alvie pressed the invisibility option button on his forearm and began walking toward Phil the
security guard. Phil looked funny at Alvie, wasn't sure how to respond.
"'Scuse me," said Phil. "Why's you naked?"
"What?" said Alvie.
Alvie looked at himself and saw he was naked. The invisibility option was only for making his
superhero suit invisible, not his body. Useful for when trying to hide your expensive equipment from
the bad guys. In this case it had been unused.
"Good Lawd," said Phil. "You are the whitest person I've ever seen. You ever think about going
out for a tan?"
"I'm an albino," said Alvie.
Phil pointed his gun. "Don't move, Albino."
"No, Albino isn't my name," said Alvie. "I'm an albino. It means I have a lack of pigmentation
in my --"
Phil pulled back the slide on his gun. "DON'T MOVE! KEEP QUIET! KEEP CALM! QUIET
DOWN! KEEP CALM! DON'T MOVE! STAY STILL! MERRY CHRISTMAS!"
Alvie was more confused than he had ever been before in his entire life.
"Sorry," said Phil. "Am just a bit flustered here. This's me first confrontation on the job."
Alvie nodded. Phil stared.
"So," said Alvie, "can I go now?"
"I'm tryin' tah decide whever tah kill yeh," said Phil.
"Okay, but if you do decide to kill me," said Alvie, "don't shoot me in the face. I'd like an open
casket at my funeral."
"Of course, mate," said Phil. "Am not a barbarian. I'll shoot yeh square in yer belly."
"Thanks," said Alvie. "I think."
"Actually," said Phil, "maybe I should shoot yeh in the face? I mean I don't think I'll ever have
this opportunity again. May as well make it memorable."
Phil aimed his gun at Alvies face and placed his finger on the trigger to pull it. As he was about
to fire a bullet he heard a yelling, like a war cry, and looked up. Lilian dropped down from the ceiling,
onto his shoulders, and wrapped her robotic legs around his neck. She then twisted her body and
cracked his neck.
Phil dropped to the floor. Right after this happened Charlton and Manny came out of hiding.
"Wow," said Manny, "no wonder you don't have a girlfriend, Lilian. You've got legs that don't
quit...breaking people's necks."
"I'm still in shock," said Charlton. "So much death."
"Killing is part of being a super hero," said Lilian. "It's unavoidable."
"Batman doesn't kill people," said Alvie.
"Yeah and look at Batman's life," said Lilian. "The Joker is constantly causing him trouble. If
only Batman would kill him that would all stop. If I were the Batman, I'd put Joker into a wood
chipper."
"Gruesome," said Alvie.
Lilian turned around and opened the door behind her. She opened it a crack and looked in.
Nobody was there. She stepped inside, and had everyone else carefully follow behind. The group went
inside what appeared to be a laboratory. It was large and filled with all sorts of different scientific
equipment: beakers, test tubes, Bunsen burners, centrifuges, etc.
Most notable, as the group walked along, were the jars sitting on the cold steel tables. They
were strange looking jars filled with God knew what -- parts and pieces of of humans, partially
developed babies, and creatures that likely came from a lagoon.
"Whoa, check this out," said Alvie.
"What is it?" said Manny.
came Handsome Sam, Tarmul, and Finley. Tarmul, who looked even stronger than before, was holding
Finley, letting his feet dangle in the air.
Charlton, Lilian, Alvie, and Manny, seeing this, quickly scurried behind the Pepsi Challenge
booth and used it as a hiding spot.
"I told you," said Finley,"I don't know nothing!"
"You mean you don't know anything," said Handsome Sam.
"You Nazi!" said Finley. "You grammar Nazi!"
"Calm down," said Handsome Sam. "We're not here to hurt you."
"Really?" said Finley.
"I'm such a great liar, aren't I?" said Handsome Sam. "Mwah-ha-ha-ha!"
Finley kicked and scream, but it was no use. Tarmul's grip on him was too tight.
"You're only going to wear yourself thin," said Tarmul.
"I don't pay you to speak," said Handsome Sam. "Strap the boy down and let's begin this. We
have to make sure this is just perfect."
Handsome Sam clapped his hands and a table, with straps on it, rose from the floor. Tarmul
gagged Finley and then tied him down. Finley laid on the table, trying to move. He cried for help, but
no one came.
Meanwhile, Lilian, Charlton, Alvie, and Manny, who were in hiding, began to get worried.
"I don't like this," Manny whispered.
"We have to help him," said Charlton.
"I'm ready to kick some ass," said Alvie.
"No," said Lilian. "No one is giong anywhere. Our cover is going to be blown. We have to wait
until they're gone."
"But, but Finley," said Charlton.
"No 'buts,'" said Lilian. "I'm the team captain now and you are to do as I say. Understood?
UNDERSTOOD?"
Charlton glared. "...Understood. Captain."
Meanwhile, Tarmul and Handsome Sam were doing something to Finley. Something no good.
They rolled up his sleeves and wiped his arm with an antiseptic wipe.
"What's the point of this?" said Tarmul.
"What do you mean? This? It's an antiseptic wipe," said Handsome Sam. "It's to reduce the risk
of infection."
"Yes, but, isn't he going to die?" said Tarmul.
"We don't know that," said Handsome Sam. "That's why this is a test."
Charlton panicked and tried getting up, but Lilian pulled him down, and placed her hand over
his mouth.
"Don't move," she said.
And Charlton did as he was told. Mainly since he couldn't resist against Lilian's strength. Lilian
who made him, Alvie, and Manny watch what was happening to Finley. Finley laid there on the table
completely helpless. He was so frightened that he started to cry.
"What's w'ong?" said Handsome Sam, pinching Finley's cheek. "Are you scared?
Oooooooooooooooooooooh, poor baby!"
Though Finley's mouth was gagged he had enough sense to say, "Fuck you!"
After which Handsome Sam put out his hand and Tarmul gave him a very large needle.
Handsome Sam stuck this needle into Finley's arm and injected him with nanoids (aka nanorobots).
Finley screamed. Not because it was particularly painful, but because he hated needles.
"Now," said Handsome Sam, "we wait and watch for the nanorobots to take their effect. Stand
back, Tarmul."
Tarmul took two steps back. He was so big and heavy that he shook the entire room.
"Keep quiet," said Lilian, "I want to hear Handsome Sam's monologue. It may reveal something
to us about his inner character and his plans for the future."
"This is going to be boring," said Manny.
"Look at him," said Alvie. "He has the smuggest face in the world. Ooh, it's so punchable."
Handsome Sam continued his speech.
"It is the means to an end," he said. "I know people think my plan is insane. They think I'm
crazy, but think about the effect it will have on our planet: WORLD PEACE. Because when everyone
looks the same, thinks the same, there will never be any quarrels, or disagreements. But mainly no one
will ever be lonely. No one will be rejected because they are a freak, or weirdo, or socially awkward, or
ugly, or stupid. Since we'll all be the same we will all accept each other. Everyone will be loved. You
wanna talk to me about equality? This is equality. Everyone will literally be equal. Boy, what an
amazing place Earth will be then. Everyone will look the same, think the same, and all have the same
opinions. Won't that be awesome? It's like moderating the entire world.
MWAHAHAHAHAHAahaahahaAhahaAhaahaH!!!!11"
"That's it," said Lilian. "It's time to kick his ass. In three, two..."
"One!" said Charlton.
And Lilian, Charlton, Alvie, and Manny charged toward Handsome Sam. Handsome Sam
turned around to face them. He put on a breathing mask and threw a large pellet from which coloured
smoke poured out. Lilian, Charlton, and Alvie, and Manny stopped in their tracks, and coughed
uncontrollably.
"Aaaaaaaaagh, what is this!?" said Charlton.
"Mwah-ha-ha!" said Handsome Sam. "It's a stink bomb."
"Yeah, but what's the stink?!" said Lilian.
"Persian Night Club," said Handsome Sam.
"Oh God!" said Alvie. "It burns!"
"Someone please tear off my nose!" said Manny.
"Mwah-ha-ha!" Handsome Sam laughed one more time, and then he ran off, disappearing
through the smoke. Lilian, Charlton, Alvie, and Manny went after him, but it was too late. They found
themselves in yet another hallway, without their arch nemesis in sight.
"Did anyone see which way he went?" said Lilian.
"He's gone," said Charlton.
"Rats," said Lilian.
Suddenly red lights above started flashing, a siren went off, and a stern, British lady's voice
came over a loud speaker.
"Attention all personnel," said the voice. "Our fortress has been invaded. Be on the look out for
a ragtag group of four intruders, who are described as follows: One transsexual, one midget, one albino,
and one ugly black girl. If you encounter them do not hesitate to hesitate to kill and/or rape. Preferably
not in that order."
"What the hell," said Alvie. "Rape? They're going to rape us?"
"Rape and murder," said Manny.
"Wait, did they call me an ugly black girl?" said Lilian.
"Fuck this," said Charlton. "Fuck everything! Fuck the world! I want outta here!"
Charlton broke off from the group and began walking on his own, but as he was about to take a
turn he heard the marching of security guards. He glanced and turned back. The others looked at him.
"What's the matter?" said Lilian.
Charlton ran off to the opposite end of the hallway and saw there were even more security
guards, marching, all fully armed to the teeth.
"Shit," said Charlton. "We're surrounded."
Lilian went back to the door that let them out of the testing area. It was locked.
way to Toronto. At the speed we're going that should be pretty soon."
"Wait," said Manny. "What are you going to do while we're gone?"
"I think I'm going to take a nap on these rags," said Lilian. She crawled atop them. "They're so
warm and comfy." She closed her eyes and began snoring.
Charlton turned to the others. "Men, I guess it's just the three of us now, because of Lilian's low
self-esteem. Follow me, if you still want me to be your team leader."
Charlton, Alvie, and Manny left Lilian behind.
Chapter 41: Engine #9
Charlton, Alvie, and Manny continued through the engine room. It was larger than they anticipated.
They passed all manner of machinery and devices to make the airship work. They made haste, but were
yet on their way out. It was a lot like Lord of the Rings. Tons of walking.
"It sucks that we lost Lilian," said Manny, "but look on the bright side, at least we can be called
a trio now."
The trio pontificated about their situation.
"Well, what do you call it when there's four of us?" said Charlton.
"A quartet," said Alvie. "Sounds gay, right?"
"So gay," said Charlton. "Glad we're back to being a trio."
"We were never a trio," said Manny. "We were a quintet. Which sounds even gayer than quartet.
Of course there's nothing wrong with being gay. I'd be gay if I could. It would make my life a lot
easier."
"By the way, what do you think Finley is up to?" said Charlton.
"He's turned into a Handsome Sam," said Alvie. "So, I'm guessing he's having sex with
Handsome Sam."
"Odd," said Charlton. "Does that count as masturbation or being a homosexual? Or is it incest?"
"All above," said Manny, "and that's what makes it so sick. At most you should only do two of
those things at a time."
"Hear hear," said Alvie.
"Hold minute," said Charlton, "do you hear something?"
Charlton, Alvie, and Manny stopped and hid behind a column. They peeked out and saw two
gruff looking ladies in overalls shoveling rags into a metal box (i.e. a firebox). They were doing this to
stoke a fire, to boil water for the airship's steam engine.
"Incredible," Alvie whispered. "They're actually using a steam engine to power this airship. But
how much of it is powered via this old timey method?"
"Don't know," said Manny, "but some of the power is coming from burning books."
"Burning books?" said Charlton. "That's a tragedy."
Lulu and Bonnie, the workers in overalls, shoveled heaps of books into the roaring fire to power
the steam engine.
"Oof, I'm so tired of this," said Bonnie. "My arms are aching."
"Come on," said Lulu. "We can't quit now. Keep shoveling in those 50 Shades of Grey and
Twilight books."
"This," said Bonnie, "is why I do this thankless job."
Meanwhile...
"You know what?" said Charlton. "Forget what I said before. I think I'm okay with this."
"Look," said Manny, "they're blocking the exit."
"We have to take them out," said Alvie, "but do we dear attack women, who aren't even armed?
What would Lilian the man-hating feminist say?"
The trio looked back and in the far distance Lilian could just be seen sleeping on her pile of
rags. She was snoring quite a bit, but because of the noise of the engine room she couldn't be heard.
"She doesn't hate men," said Charlton. "She just hates most men. Similar, but not quiet the
same."
"I don't care if these are women," said Alvie. "I'm going to kick their asses. After all, I am
Doctor Kickass. Damn, I really do like my moniker."
"Wait," said Charlton.
But Alvie went off and confronted Lulu and Bonnie.
"Lulu and Bonnie," said Alvie. "How do you do?"
"How did you know our names?" said Bonnie.
"Your name tags," said Alvie.
"Right," said Lulu. "So, what do you want?"
"I'm super hero," said Alvie, "and I'm here to kick the both of your asses."
"First of all," said Bonnie, "HA! Second of all, why? What did we do? You said you're a hero,
not a villain, right? Why would you fight us?"
"You're helping power this slave ship," said Alvie.
"Slave ship?" said Lulu. "That's what this is? I thought those people in those cages were
employed and being paid for their time."
"Seriously?" said Alvie. "You saw people in cages and you thought they were paid workers?"
"It's a tough economy," said Bonnie. "You'd be surprised at what conditions people are willing
to accept."
"Fine, never mind," said Alvie. "I'm not going to kick anyone's ass here. Can you tell me direct
me to where the slaves are? And where the control room is?"
"Listen," said Bonnie. "This is the first job I've had in a while. I get paid four times Canadian
minimum wage. It's a lot of money. I'm not going to jeopardize my career as a shoveler, so you can free
some slaves. They're obviously here for a reason. Just let it be."
"Don't listen to her," said Lulu. "You go and rescue the slaves. Just exit through the door here
and take a left. You'll see the control room too. You can't miss it."
"Lulu," said Bonnie. "What are you doing? Are we not partners here? Why are you helping
him? He looks so weird."
"What's that got to do with anything?" said Lulu.
"Just saying," said Bonnie. "He is the whitest person I've ever seen and I've been to the United
Kingdom before."
"Alright, that's it," said Alvie, "now I'm gonna kick your ass. I don't care if you are a girl."
"Don't think it'll be so easy," said Bonnie.
"Let's see," said Alvie.
Then Bonnie did a spinning jump kick and knocked him out cold, at which point Manny and
Charlton came out of the woodwork.
"Bloody hell!" said Manny.
"Ah fuck," said Charlton, "I can't believe you've done this."
Charlton pulled Alvie and patted his face to wake him up.
"Huh? Yes," said Alvie, "I would eat a pumpkin for breakfast."
"Wut?" said Manny.
Alvie shook his head. "Where am I?"
"That scruffy looking girl knocked you out," said Manny.
"Lucky shot," said Alvie.
Alvie marched toward Bonnie and was knocked out once again. This time with an uppercut.
"Wow," said Manny. "That was quite a punch."
For the second time, Charlton helped wake up Alvie. He then went back to Bonnie and was
Hadoukened in the stomach. He flew back 15 feet and slammed into the wall.
Tarmul's stomach acids. "But what's this? What's happened to my beautiful ceiling?"
"That's not my fault," said Hakim. "You know how construction workers and handymen are.
They're always half-assing everything. Why, two weeks ago I called in a guy to repair my shower. Now
instead of getting hot water through the shower head it's ice cold root beer. I mean I like root beer, but I
don't wanna wash myself in it."
"Fair point," said Handsome Sam. "So, how far are we away from Rob Ford High now?"
"I didn't know he was still alive," said Hakim. "Well, considering his appetite, he's probably
high at this very moment."
"Argh, not 'Rob Ford high,'" said Handsome Sam. "Rob Ford High. The school."
Hakim had a blank look on his face.
"The high school I used to go to," said Handsome Sam in an irritated tone. "Remember? I used
to go there? It's in Toronto."
"...I knew that," said Hakim. He cleared his throat. "We're about 20 clicks away, sir."
"In French," said Handsome Sam.
"Vingt kilomtres," said Hakim.
"Ahhh, we're quite close," said Handsome Sam. "It won't be long now."
"What do you have planned anyway?" said Hakim. "Are you going there as a tourist? I've heard
nothing but terrible things about Toronto. They say it's like New York."
"I'm not going there as a tourist," said Handsome Sam. "I'm going there to drop a bomb."
"Okay," said Hakim without so much as batting an eyelid. "Let me know if you need any help."
"You don't care that I'm dropping a bomb?" said Handsome Sam. "Most people tend to question
me when I tell them what I'm doing."
"Hey, I'm only here to collect a pay cheque," said Hakim. "I'm not here to think...about
anything. In fact, I fly best when my mind is completely blank."
"Wait," said Handsome Sam. "How exactly did you get hired to fly this airship again?"
"I did what everyone else does," said Hakim. "I lied on my resume. I'm not really a work-aholic. I'm an alcoholic, but I don't think it's the same thing. One time I got so drunk I hit my wife. Turns
out I don't have a wife. Who the hell did I hit?"
"You stole that joke from Family Guy," said Handsome Sam.
"Yeah, I did," said Hakim. "I steal a lot of jokes. When people call me out on it, I tell them it's
an homage, and then it's totally okay for some reason."
"Anywho," said Handsome Sam, "let me know when we're ready to touchdown. I'm going to go
off to the little boy's room and have a wee."
"You enjoy it, sir," said Hakim.
As Handsome Sam was about to leave, Manny and Charlton came out from their hiding places,
and confronted him. They struck a pose to look intimidating.
"Stop where you are," said Charlton. "We are here to punish you."
"I am going to punish you in your sac," said Manny.
Handsome Sam as usual had on a cocky grin.
"Tell us where the bomb is," said Charlton, "and we'll let you live."
"Wrong," said Handsome Sam. "It is I who will let you live. And then not let you live. Because I
will kill you."
"Not today!" said Charlton.
Then Charlton and Manny each took out a pair of nunchuks and twirled them around, doing
fancy tricks.
"Ha," said Handsome Sam. "You think I'm going to fight you with your nunchuks and get my
hands dirty? I have an assortment of ninjas who protect me."
Handsome Sam whistled for his ninjas -- but no ninjas appeared.
"Any moment now," he said.
"Of course," said Handsome Sam. "Would be glad to have you. As I say there aren't enough evil
people in the world. Did you know that only 97% of people can be considered evil? What happened to
the other 3%?"
"Wait, it's 97%?" said Charlton. "Based on what?"
"Diets," said Handsome Sam. "The majority of people on this planet eat meat. And is that not
wrong? Is it not wrong and evil to take the life of another living being for your pleasure and joy? We're
omnivores. We can survive on leafy greens, and nuts, and rice, and stuff. We don't have to have meat to
survive. So, if you eat meat, you're evil, but I think that's a good thing. I mean, it's bad thing, and that's
good."
"Yes," said Charlton. "I agree."
"Double agree," said Manny. "I eat meat all the time. I even eat the cute stuff, like cats, and
dogs, and rabbits, and horses."
"Well done," said Handsome Sam. "Now do y'all know about my plan for world domination?"
"No," said Charlton. "We are totally naive. Explain it to us."
"Hm, let me show you instead," said Handsome Sam.
Then Handsome Sam stepped over to a golden-coloured rope and tugged on it. At that very
same moment a panel on the upper wall opened up and a slide came down. On this slide slid down an
object of great interest. It was the infamous Handsome Bomb. A nanorobot powered bomb that would
make everyone in the world look and act exactly like Handsome Sam.
"What do you think?" said Handsome Sam.
"Very nice, but what is it?" said Charlton (who was acting dumb).
"It's the Handsome Bomb," said Handsome Sam. "I won't go into details, but it'll transform
everyone, and make them think, and act like me. Won't that be grand? I plan to drop it in the middle of
Rob Ford High. It's the school I used to go to before I moved out to Montenegro."
"Did you like it there?" said Manny.
"Heck no," said Handsome Sam. "The people there were mean and they were bullies. Every day
they would torment me. But the worst part was they didn't allow peanuts or peanut butter on school
grounds. Which makes sense, I admit, since people have allergies. But then they banned all foods that
look like peanuts or peanut butter. Like what? How does that make any sense? That's like banning
squirts guns because they look like guns. Maaan, their policy was just retarded -- totally retarded! See,
this is why I created the Handsome Bomb."
"Because of a peanut butter ban?" said Charlton.
"Yes," said Handsome Sam. "It made me realize how truly stupid people are and it inspired me
to help them out -- by making them like me."
"But what about diversity?" said Charlton. "What about the idea that we're all a little different
from each other and that makes the world a better, more interesting place? Have you ever thought about
that?"
Handsome Sam stroked his chin as if he had a beard.
"Wait a minute," said Handsome Sam. "I'm starting to think you two aren't as evil as I initially
thought."
"What? No," said Manny. "We are. We're totally evil. Beyond evil."
"Prove it," said Handsome Sam.
"You know the Holocaust?" said Manny. "I love the Holocaust. It's my favourite event in human
history."
"And black people," said Charlton, "I hate those dirty monkeys. Make them slaves again.
They're ruining society."
"Hmm," said Handsome Sam. "Both of those thoughts are quite evil, but then again that's
something anyone could lie about. I'll have to give you each a real test."
"What kind of test?" said Manny.
Handsome Sam went into his pocket and took out two pieces of jerky -- MADE FROM
PEOPLE! He handed one to Manny and one to Charlton.
"Eat it," said Handsome Sam. "It's jerky made from humans. If you can eat human you are
certainly evil enough to be a part of my team."
"Are you sure this is made out of human?" said Manny. "How do we know it's not just beef or
some other worthless animal?"
"Take a careful look at it," said Handsome Sam. "You'll find all the evidence you need."
Charlton looked at his piece of jerky and saw that it contained a fingernail. Immediately he
began feeling sick and wanted to throw up. But he fought it and kept his cool.
"Oh, well," said Charlton, "look at that. A fingernail."
"Just eat around it," said Handsome Sam. "It's no big deal."
Charltoon and Manny tried but they couldn't. They couldn't eat human jerky. (Or as cannibals
call it: long pig.)
"Ah-ha! I knew you two were tricking me," said Handsome Sam. "Now I will kill the both of
you."
And he took out a knife and stabbed at Charlton and Manny. The two, however, saw the attack
coming and dove out of the way.
"Damnit," said Handsome Sam. "Whenever I announce I'm going to kill someone it never
works out. Perhaps I should be less grandiose...? Nah!"
Handsome Sam then chased Charlton and Manny around, trying to gut them.
"Stop moving about so fast," said Handsome Sam. "I only want to kill you."
"Never," said Charlton. "Nevaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar!"
Handsome Sam reached into his coat pocket and took out something that looked like a mini
crossbow. He loaded it with a shiny arrow and aimed it.
"Ha," said Manny. "What're you gonna do with that? Our super hero suits are bullet proof."
"Arrow proof?" said Handsome Sam.
"Mm, not so sure," said Manny. "I --"
Handsome Sam shot the arrow at Manny. Many tried a back flip to avoid the attack, but was
shot in the arse. As it turned out his super hero suit was not arrow proof.
"Ow! My Arse!" said Manny.
Not a second later he went unconscious.
"Oh! The humanity!" said Charlton. "You've killed Canada's only teenaged dwarf!"
"Relax," said Handsome Sam. "He isn't dead. I shot him with a tranquilizer arrow. So, the
midget is only taking a nap."
"Well," said Charlton, "I won't be foolish enough to get shot in the bum like my friend. Screw
you guys, I'm going home."
Charlton ran, heading for the exit; while doing so he covered up his butt cheeks with his hands.
Unfortunately, this impromptu shielding method only made him slower, and Handsome Sam shot him
with an arrow in the side of his ass.
After which Charlton fell over and went unconscious.
Chapter 44: Crash
Charlton and Alvie woke up. They found they were tied together with rope, back to back, on two
chairs. They turned their heads and saw they were still in the control room. Finley was gone, but
Handsome Sam remained. He was standing beside his nano-bomb and his airship pilot named Hakim.
Handsome Sam looked out the enormous window at the front.
"Ah," he said, "we're in Toronto. I can see the CN Tower from. It looks a giant robot's penis.
Don't you think, Hakim?"
"What the fuck are you all staring at?!" said Handsome Sam. He jumped up on a table. "Why
don't you freaks all go back to the pit in hell where you all came from?!?!"
Being Canadian the students at Rob Ford High were not sure what they were staring at, until
that is Handsome Sam opened fire with his AK-47.
The sound it made went: RATTA-TAT-TAT! RATTA-TAT-TAT!
Charlton took cover behind a wall, while the students in the cafeteria fled. Those who were not
fast enough were shot in their dicks. Handsome Sam gave no mercy.
"Die!" said Handsome Sam. "Die!"
Then he hopped off his table and headed toward Charlton. When he pulled the trigger on his
machine gun he discovered he was out of bullets.
"Damnit, outta bullets," said Handsome Sam. "This is the fifth time this week."
Charlton, using all the energy he had in him, picked up the Handsome Bomb and started
running off. He ran up a set of stairs and went into the chapel. After locking its doors, he hid the bomb
inside the confessional booth, and went over to the altar. He put the altar table on its side and took
cover behind.
Not a moment later Handsome Sam came bursting in with a samurai sword. He dragged it along
the floor and yelled, "Come on out to play, tranny boy! I have a surprise for you!"
Charlton started sweating thinking of a way to defeat his nemesis. Then he grabbed the giant
crucifix off the wall and leapt over the altar table to defend himself.
Handsome Sam held up his samurai sword and laughed. "Ha! What're you gonna do with that?"
"The power of Christ compels you!" said Charlton, and he swung the crucifix as hard as he
could, and knocked the sword out of Handsome Sam's hand. The sword sailed through the air and
became stuck in the wall.
Handsome Sam stretched his arm to retrieve his blade, but Charlton rammed him full speed
with the crucifix, and pinned him into a corner.
"Who do you think you are?" said Handsome Sam. "You can't stop me!"
And Handsome Sam made a fist and struck the crucifix so hard that it snapped in two.
Handsome Sam then charged toward Charlton and gave him a jump kick to the chest. Charlton flew
back and crashed to the floor.
When he stood up Handsome Sam was ready to give him a wallop across the face. Charlton
blocked the next punch and then he and Handsome Sam traded an uncountable amount of blows. They
went punch for punch, kick for kick. It was a flurry of fists and feet. The two became exhausted from
the melee.
Charlton laid with his back on the floor while Handsome Sam sat atop his chest. In this position
Handsome Sam mercilessly struck Charlton and our hero was beaten until he was barely conscious.
It was at this point Handsome Sam decided to stand up. But it was not to give Charlton a
reprieve. Instead Handsome Sam went down the chapel and retrieved his sword in the wall. He went
back to Charlton and held his bladed weapon aloft.
Charlton could only stare at his imminent demise.
"Do you have any last words?" said Handsome Sam.
Charlton spat up some blood. "Yeah... Go fuck yourself. With a rough, sharp, pointy stick."
"How rude," said Handsome Sam, and he turned around his sword, and pointed it downward.
As he was about to plunge it into Charlton's chest Finley came out of nowhere. He tackled
Handsome Sam to the ground and held him down. Since Finley practically a duplicate of Handsome
Sam the two were evenly matched in strength.
"Argh, what the hell do you think you're doing?!" said Handsome Sam.
"You made me in your image," said Finley. "Should we not share the glory together?"
"Get off of me," said Handsome Sam, "or I will destroy you."
But Finley only held Handsome Sam tighter.
Meanwhile, Charlton had mustered the strength to get up. He hobbled into the confessional,
took in a deep, long breath, and looked down at the Handsome Bomb by the kneeler. He didn't know
what to do with this WMD. There was no way he could get it away from Handsome Sam and he
couldn't destroy it.
The only option would be to disarm it. But how? Charlton lifted a cover on the bomb, revealing
a set of coloured wires, and timer. According to the timer the bomb was set to go off in exactly 5
minutes.
"Aw, fuck me," said Charlton.
As Charlton put his face into his hands, in a moment of despair, a voice was heard.
"Charlton," said the voice. "Are you there? Are you there?"
Charlton found the source of the voice. It was coming from his super hero suit, which had a
built in communicator on its wrist. Charlton lifted his arm to his face.
"Hello?" he said.
"Charlton," said Tanaka. "I just called to say I love you."
"Wut?" said Charlton.
"Just joking," said Tanaka. "I'm only checking up on you. How's everything holding up?"
"What do you know about disarming bombs?" said Charlton.
"Cut the red wire," said Tanaka. "It's always the red wire."
"Are you sure?" said Charlton.
"I 'Googled it,'" said Tanaka. "What more do you want?"
"I need help," said Charlton.
"Where are you?" said Tanaka.
"Rob Ford High," said Charlton.
"Again?" said Tanaka. "I thought he was dead."
"The school," said Charlton. "I'm at the school."
"Okay," said Tanaka, "don't worry. I'm on my way. I'll meet you on the rooftop. Capiche?"
"Er? Yeah, capiche," said Charlton.
"Over and out," said Tanaka.
Then Charlton turned his attention back towards the bomb. He looked at the wires of which
there four different colours: red, yellow, blue, and green. He sweated thinking whether to take Tanaka's
advice. He took out a pair of pliers and hovered them over the red wire. As he was trying to come to a
decision he heard the approaching footsteps of Handsome Sam.
Charlton couldn't stand the pressure. He took out a quarter and told himself: "Heads, I cut the
red wire. Tails, I cut another wire at random."
And he flipped the coin and it landed on heads.
"Guess it's the red wire," said Charlton, and at the very moment Handsome Sam opened the
door to the confessional, he cut the red wire to the bomb.
Chapter 46: Life Is Scary, Confusing, And Painful
The Handsome Bomb exploded, and sent a blast of searing energy into the air, so powerful it pierced
through every floor above, and created a cylindrical void going all the way to the roof. Charlton, who
was knocked back, looked ahead, and saw a swarm of blackness. These were the nanorobots, which
were to invade the cells of every person they saw in order to transform them each into a Handsome
Sam.
Now there was nothing Charlton could do to stop them. Handsome Sam indulging in his victory
laughed. "Mwah-ha-ha-ha! The final solution is beginning!" And the nanorobots flew off, and spread
throughout the school, or what remained of it, and infected every single student, and every single
teacher.
In what seemed too short time all the people in Rob Ford High looked just like Handsome Sam
-- except for Charlton.
Handsome Sam stared at Charlton.
"What's going on?" said Handsome Sam. "Why aren't you changing?"
Charlton touched himself. "I don't know."
The fact of the matter was, since Charlton was a vegetarian, he was unintentionally immune to
these nanorobots. His low amount of protein and lack of amino acids did not allow the nanorobots to
thrive within his body. When they entered his body they simply died off. They did not have enough
sustenance to provide them with power.
"Forget it," said Handsome Sam. "I'll finish you off myself...or maybe I'll recruit some help?"
Then Handsome Sam whistled and hoard of students who bore his exact resemblance appeared.
They all crowded behind and snarled. There were it seemed hundreds of Handsome Sams.
"Aw, screw this," said Charlton. "I'm outta here."
He reached behind his back and took out a grappling gun.
"Waaait a minute," said Handsome Sam. "You never had that before."
"I found it in the confessional," said Charlton.
And he shot the grappling gun towards the sky, and a hook with a line carried him upward, and
took him straight to the rooftop, which was only half there on account of the airship previously
crashing into the school.
Charlton looked down the hole at Handsome Sam and his minions.
"Ha-ha," he laughed. "Try and get me now."
Handsome Sam and his minions put up a ladder.
"Crap," said Charlton.
Then he ran off and went to the edge of the half-broken roof. What was below was the
depressed wreckage of the airship that shortly after collapsed from the impact of its own crash. This
was where Tanaka said he would meet with Charlton.
"Where is that Goddamned Tanaka?" Charlton thought aloud, while having a sweat."He told me
he would be here -- !"
After Charlton voiced his concerns there was a cacophony of marching. He turned around, and
saw across from him was Handsome Sam and his minions: all the students transformed into Handsome
Sam via the Handsome Bomb. It was a lot like Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones, but
(naturally) much better.
"Where you going?" said Handsome Sam. "Don't you wanna come out and play?"
Handsome Sam and his others steadily advanced towards Charlton. Step by step, until there was
nowhere to run. Charlton found himself surrounded by the hundreds and hundreds of Handsome Sams,
who were all too eager to rip him limb from limb. Yet he kept his cool.
"I'm sorry," said Charlton. "But I have better things to do."
And in the blink of an eye he did a 180 and leapt off the edge of the roof. At the exact moment
he did so a helicopter, being piloted by Tanaka, rose up, and caught him inside its cabin.
"Damnit," said Handsome Sam, "I knew that helicopter noise was coming from somewhere."
"Tanaka," said Charlton, inside the helicopter, "can't believe you came. You are a Japanese
badass. You're Japanese and your ass is bad."
"Where are the others?" said Tanaka.
"I'm sorry," said Charlton, "They didn't make it."
Tanaka sighed.
"Come on, we have to get out of here," said Charlton. "Handsome Sam and his army of clones
is after me."
"Hey, no rush," said Tanaka, "we're in a helicopter. Those assholes can't reach us."
Tanaka flew the helicopter up and hovered over the school. Charlton stuck out his head and took
a look down. Handsome Sam was flipping him off. Charlton returned the gesture.
It was, however, a mistake to linger as something pernicious was happening below. The
Handsome Sams were rapidly assembling themselves into a human tower, and they reached out and
grabbed the bars (landing skids) at the bottom of the helicopter.
"We have to go higher," Charlton said to Tanaka.
Tanaka tried, but couldn't do so. He strained the controls of helicopter. There wasn't enough
power.
"We're carrying too much weight," he said. "What's going on back there?"
One of the Handsome Sams tried climbing inside. Charlton gave it shoved it outside.
"Come on," said Charlton. "Get this thing moving!"
"I'm trying, I'm trying!" said Tanaka.
Tanaka twisted the helicopter's throttle, giving it more thrust. That seemed to do the trick. The
helicopter broke away, and began flying off, but was still bogged down by all of the Handsome Sams,
who clung to the underside like barnacles.
This made the helicopter to fly with diminished capabilities and its blades were doing all they
could to fight against gravity.
"Can't this thing go any faster?" said Charlton.
"Giving it all I've got," said Tanaka.
Charlton looked out and saw something peculiar. All the Handsome Sams, who were not affixed
to the helicopter, were assembling themselves into a singular being. Like Legos, they locked all their
bodies together, and then formed one giant Handsome Sam.
This 100 foot tall monster began chasing the helicopter at an astounding speed. Charlton turned
his head to Tanaka.
"What is it?" said Tanaka.
"We're being chased," said Charlton, with a gulp, "by a giant Handsome Sam."
Tanaka looked and saw the giant, the giant that was made out of hundreds upon hundreds of
Handsome Sams. It was a nightmare come to life...or a really bad B-movie.
"Master Tanaka," said Charlton, "do you have any weapons?"
Tanaka threw Charlton a briefcase.
"Look inside," said Tanaka. "You'll find what you need."
Charlton popped open the briefcase. There was a silver gun and a whack of bullets.
"But I don't know how to use a gun," said Charlton. "I'm Canadian."
"You have no choice," said Tanaka. "Just...think of it like a video game!"
And so Charlton took the silver gun and faced his nemesis. When the giant Handsome Sam
came close he began firing: Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!
Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!
Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!
Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!
Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!
The constituents that made up the giant Handsome Sam were shot and wounded. They began
falling away, but as luck would have it the gnarly beast kept rebuilding itself. While it ran a rampage
through the streets, crushing cars, and various objects, it would pick people up, absorb them, and
transform them each into a Handsome Sam.
"It's not working," said Charlton.
Tanaka meanwhile was dealing with his own issues of an overburdened helicopter. He kept
trying to give it lift but the weight it carried only allowed it to move laterally and forwards. He did a lot
of lateral movement as the giant Handsome Sam would fling random objects at the helicopter, of which
included its Handsome Sams.
One of them landed in the cabin of the helicopter. It lunged for Charlton. Charlton gave it a one-
And he crawled over his clones and stood at the very top of his monstrous creation, so that he
would literally be seen above everyone else.
"Okay," said Handsome Sam. "I'm ready for my close up."
"Sorry," said Charlton. "I can't seem to get a good shot of you. Can you come a bit closer?"
Handsome Sam stepped ahead. "Is this alright?"
"No," said Charlton. "Closer. I want to really see your face."
"Like this?" said Handsome Sam.
"Closer," said Charlton.
"Here?" said Handsome Sam.
"No, closer," said Charlton. "Closer. CLOSER. CLOSER! CLOSER!!!!!"
Handsome Sam kept adjusting his position as Charlton beckoned him, and then it so happened,
he lost his balance, and fell. Handsome Sam dropped off the giant, mishmashed version of himself, and
got an express, one way ticket straight to the ground. When his body collided with the asphalt there was
a plume of dust.
The giant Handsome Sam looked down as if it were lost or confused, as if it had lost its master.
It stood still unsure what to do. Charlton took this opportunity to leap off the balcony and check on
Handsome Sam. He looked at his body, laying there still.
Charlton sighed: "Good riddance."
But suddenly Handsome Sam opened his eyes, rose up, and grabbed Charlton by the throat. He
pushed him back and Charlton went "urk! urk!" gasping for air. Handsome Sam then swung his fists at
Charlton. Charlton dodged each of the several attacks.
"I'm going to destroy you!" said Handsome Sam.
"You can try," said Charlton.
Handsome Sam ripped open his jacket revealing a set of explosives strapped to his chest.
Laughing manically, he took out a remote, and clicked a red button. Charlton seeing this dove over a
car and took shelter.
A moment after there was a ripping explosion. Handsome Sam's bomb went off and he was
exploded into millions of pieces. Charlton looked over the car which he was behind. He looked up and
saw that the giant Handsome Sam was falling apart, crumbling back into individuals, rather than
staying one monstrous being.
Soon there was a pile of Handsome Sam clones laid all over the asphalt. As Charlton stared
almost instantaneously they all started changing back into their former selves. The Handsome Sams
became regular, high school kids, each with their own separate, distinct identities. They were once
again human.
Charlton got up and walked over to everyone laying on the floor. He stood still, tired, and
exhausted. But then he smiled when he saw his friends: Lilian, Alvie, Manny, and Finley. They were
alive and well.
Chapter 47: A King's Welcome
All charges against Charlton, Lilian, Alvie, Manny, and Finley were dropped. Their names were cleared
of any wrong doing and they were rewarded for saving Canada. When they returned to school in the
morning they were given a king's welcome. Everyone it seemed was there to greet them and they lifted
the five outcasts onto their shoulders in celebration.
"I could get used to this," Charlton was heard saying with a grin.
THE END
Epilogue: Cheaters Never Win
Principal Scooter was fired from his job and taken to prison for providing false evidence against
Charlton and the others in the case of the school fire. Shortly afterward his wife filed for divorce upon
hearing about his affair. During his time behind bars he was quickly made into someone's bitch -- and
he enjoyed it.
bookoutlet184swt
Character Sheet:
The fancy Canadian city everyone is living in -> Montenegro
Judge Unfair - "a manly looking woman, with a short haircut, and a pointed nose, adjusted her glasses
and looked down."
Vinny Boyardee - Cousin to Alvie's lawyer
Master Takara - Small, Japanese, Martial arts master, with goatee. Has has house on lake Sludge in the
town of Smallington. Lake was polluted by Handsome Sam. Used to work as a scientist in the
Canadian military in Vancouver.
Saint Rogers High School - The school they all attend. Blue and orange lockers.
Emicola - Charlton's lover. Name a combination of Emily and Coca-Cola, her dad's fav drink.
Dong - Chief of Police. Shiny, baldy, aubergine shaped head. Friends with Principal Scooter. A total
cunt. From Quebec. Like poutine. Says he's an asshole but not a monster, and believes everyone
deserves poutine and Tim Hortons.
Secretary Beebs - Over 250 pounds, Over 40 years old, turns on Principal Scooter, saving herself for
Justin Timberlake
Principal Scooter - Has a pedophile moustache. Cheated on his wife with hooker. Has kids. Crusader of
saving yourself for marriage. Like saying "holy mighty fuckballs." Saved himself for marriage. That's
why he's cheating. Kind of a dick, but not always.
Miss Lynch - The Irish drama teacher. Cheating on her taxes. Blonde, blue eyes.
Mr. Stanley - Math teacher, who looks like Luigi from Super Mario.
Miss Pumpernickel - 35 years old. Mean librarian with cat glasses, and short grey hair.
Jones - The redheaded, spiky haired kid, with the sleeveless skull t-shirt. Freckles. A real ginger.
Sometimes smart/observant. Mostly a brat.
Finley Sharpe - the autistic kid, who likes to play with matches, is a ginger, atheistic. big glasses. has
trouble controlling the volume of his voice. stutterers. laughs like 'yee-he-he!' Likes Jesus. Repeats a
lot. Virgin. Hates needles.
Charlton Saintcloud - The transmale, vegetarian, animal lover, environmentalist. Sensitive but not a
pushover (15 years old) [fe to ma], An A + student, wants to leave, and go to Toronto, greatly admires
Oscar Wilde. Can tell if someone is lying. Likes books. Weak stomach. Has a fairly clean life style.
Straight edge. Has a diary.
Alter-ego: Kaptain Krayzee (red)
Manny Morowitz - Smart talking, streetwise dwarf, tough, reckless, head strong, wants respect.
Comes from a rich family. Ethical omnivore. Claustrophobic. Says "oy." Virgin. But very interested in
the sex. Has slutty sister. Bit cocky. Sometimes run his mouth too much. Can shit on
command/demand. Likes fried foods, Scotland. Drops his G's sometimes (accent). A bit silly. Not
always intelligent but tries. Uses instinct a lot. Likes Mexico and Scotland. Into literature, Shakespeare.
Alter-ego: The Nutpuncher (Black) A jokester. Flashlight guy! Prone to saying 'wow.'
Tarmul - The big, dumb bully from Texas, 18 years old and in the 10th grade. Has a crew. Has a dog.
Right hand man to handsome sam. Becomes like Bane.
Lumrat - Tarmul's large, tattooed dad, who is sentenced to time in prison.
Alvie McBride - The genius Albino, has a bit of a sick, gross sense of humor, wants to become a
famous scientist, and make a cool invention. Asexual but is somehow a little perverted. Owns a
Smutware Empire. Is a Catholic Atheist. Likes Sweets. Someone what socially inept. Likes TV. Has
friendly rivalry with Manny; they get along. Not a friend to animals. Saving himself for marriage. Is
rich. Carries around gadgets (e.g. tiny motorized saw). Was bullied by school bus driver and teacher on
school bus. That's why he hates 'wheels on the bus.' Not the outdoors type. STEM focused.
Alter-ego: Doctor Kickass (Yellow) Grandfather smells like whiskey and cigars. Likes classical music,
jazz, oldies, mellow stuff.
Lilian Starr - A black, gay, sporty girl, with robotic limbs. Arrogant, in therapy, physical, but deep
down caring, wants to be famous. Disassociates herself from the others. Dislikes Catcher in the Rye.
Somewhat of a loner, but also wants to be a part of a team/a group. Tough as frozen nuts. Feminist. Can
fight. Like everyone else, a bit sexually naive. Started going to therapy after losing her limbs. Lost her
limbs in Spain when kidnappers cut them off. Kind of a bitch. Snores.
Alter-ego: Princess Syborg (White)
Lance and Marguerite Saintcloud - Lancy is a crazy, gun toting, Canadian redneck, working for a big
oil company. Margeurite isn't completely sane, but has some sort of sanity. She is a caring person,
although a bit naive. She is small, delicate, petite. Opposite of Lance, who is strong, and strapping.
Uncle Herman - Morbidly obese, from America, rides around on a mobility scooter. Uncle to
Marguerite.
Handsome Sam - Our villain. Wants everyone to be good looking, blonde and blue eyed. He wants to
use a nano-bomb (aka Handsome Bomb) to make everyone look alike, and think alike. Chinese. Black
belt in Judo, and several other martial arts. Thinks he's a samurai. Has ninjas working for him. Calls
himself the Poundstretcher. Has an office in the forest. Doesn't like shitting in public toilets. A
computer whiz. Kinda smart. He never or rarely frowns, because he wants to stay wrinkle free. Says
"gah" when frustrated. Has a mom. Doctors said he'd die when he was three, but he proved them
wrong. Hearing the story made him think he was special, and gave him confidence to pursue his plans.
He's always been evil. When he was 5 he pushed his bro into a pool, and watched him drown.
Extremely arrogant. Listens to Jazz, mellow tunes. Family owns a restaurant. Is moderator on several
websites. Dreams about being a mermaid. Has a diary. Used to go to Rob Ford High. Banning of peanut
butter pushed him over the edge.
Rosemary Chan - She had long, black, curly hair, and a nose too huge for her face. She was also quite
fat. Guards the secretive chamber. In love with Handsome Sam. Nasally voice. Fat. Stutters. Shallow.