CONTENTS

SECTION 1
Workshop Purpose/Benefits/Objectives

Summary of Workshop

SECTION 2
Actions for Personal Development

Behaviour

Emotional Intelligence

Behavioural Styles

11

Moments of Awareness

17

SECTION 3
Benefits of Taking Notice of Visual Behaviours

18

Rapport

21

The Three Basic Behaviours

25

Sequence of Communication

29

SECTION 4
Johari Window

31

Receiving Feedback

34

Influencing Skills

37

Stress Management

42

SECTION 5
Workshop Evaluation
Further Reading

RGU Leadership Development Workshops

Managing Emotions

WORKSHOP PURPOSE
To provide managers with practical skills to enable them to build and
maintain constructive working relationships and so increase the
opportunities for greater success.

WORKSHOP BENEFITS
Relationships with colleagues and customers are critical factors that
influence work effectiveness and career success and job satisfaction.

WORKSHOP OBJECTIVES
The objectives of the workshop are to enable participants to:

have a thorough knowledge of their personal working style

understand the concept of emotional intelligence and how to use it
to become more effective at work
recognise personal emotions and their effects on behaviour
respond positively to the different working styles of others
build trust and mutual understanding using rapport building
techniques
adapt behaviour to gain maximum benefit from interactions with
others
solicit and receive feedback constructively

RGU Leadership Development Workshops

Managing Emotions

SUMMARY OF WORKSHOP
This workshop is designed to promote an increased insight into the role that
emotions play in your personal effectiveness, ways you can develop
enhanced influencing skills and implement significant change personally and
with others.
IQ and Emotional Intelligence are complementary capabilities, together they
can increase your ability to succeed.
In order to be able to manage yourself it helps to have a clear understanding
of your personal behaviour and style, its strengths and weaknesses and the
impact that this style has on others. As part of this self-analysis, feedback
from others will be vitally important in order to help you understand how
others see you. As a result of this insight you will be more able to adapt your
style and behaviour to deal with people with different styles.
Building credibility, trust and a personal network will help you develop
effective working relationships. Building working relationships is particularly
important today as

There is an increased need to work collectively with a wide range of

people

You are less able to rely on traditional sources of power and

authority

Creating win/win relationships is more likely to gain short and longterm positive results.

It gets things done!

In addition, the way that you communicate with others will have a big
impact on your ability to work with them. Whether you are dealing with
colleagues, students, team members or your manager, your ability to
communicate with them will affect the way they think of you and will be a
major factor in determining whether or not you can influence them.
Interpersonal skills such as listening and questioning are key to your ability
to communicate and interact with others.

RGU Leadership Development Workshops

Managing Emotions

ACTIONS FOR PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT

Purpose
During the workshop we will explore a wide range of ideas to help you become
more effective; in addition ideas will come to you, "ah-ha" moments, which you
need to capture straight away.
Experience shows that you will benefit most from these ideas if you immediately
start planning how to use them.

Your Task
During the session, use the attached proforma to note down:

ideas which strike you as being particularly useful

how you are going to make them work for you

when you intend to put these learning points into practice

Be as specific as possible in noting what you will need to do to change from what
you are doing now.

RGU Leadership Development Workshops

Managing Emotions

ACTIONS FOR PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT

Key Learning Point

Action

RGU Leadership Development Workshops

Managing Emotions

By When

Key Learning Point

Action

RGU Leadership Development Workshops

Managing Emotions

By When

BEHAVIOUR
Your behaviour, together with your appearance, is the only bit of you that
other people can see.
No-one can ever see your motives, your thoughts, your attitudes or your
feelings. People can only see the behaviour that results from these things.

BEHAVIOUR
THOUGHTS
MOTIVES
ATTITUDES
FEELINGS
VALUES

As adults we have adopted a set of behaviours and responses, sometimes

we stop consciously thinking if these are helping us and this may result in us
blaming others when we have difficulties and going into default mode
rather than actively taking responsibility for choosing our own behaviour,
giving ourselves excuses like take me as you find me you cant teach an
old dog new tricks and its best to be honest to yourself. Your behaviour
can help or hinder your effectiveness and your interactions with others, you
choose.
This behaviour is an external manifestation of your internal processes, real
success comes from managing the internal, however managing the external
can give short term or superficial improvement.

RGU Leadership Development Workshops

Managing Emotions

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE
Emotional intelligence the ability to manage ourselves and our
relationships effectively consists of four fundamental capabilities: selfawareness, self-management, social awareness and social skill.
Each
capability, in turn, is composed of specific sets of competencies. Below is a
list of the capabilities and their corresponding traits.
Self-Awareness
Emotional self-awareness: the ability to read and understand your
emotions as well as recognise their impact on work performance,
relationships and the like.
Accurate self-assessment: a realistic evaluation of your strengths and
limitations.
Self-confidence: a strong and positive sense of self-worth.
Self-Management
Self-control: the ability to keep disruptive emotions and impulses
under control.
Trustworthiness: a consistent display of honesty and integrity.
Conscientiousness: the ability to manage yourself and your
responsibilities.
Adaptability: skill at adjusting to changing situations and overcoming
obstacles.
Achievement orientation: the drive to meet an internal standard of
excellence.
Initiative: a readiness to seize opportunities.
Social Awareness
Empathy: skill at sensing other peoples emotions, understanding their
perspective and taking an active interest in their concerns.
Organisational awareness: the ability to read the currents of
organisational life, build decision networks and navigate politics.
Service orientation: the ability to recognise and meet customers
needs.

RGU Leadership Development Workshops

Managing Emotions

Social Skill

Visionary leadership: the ability to take charge and inspire with a

compelling vision.
Influence: the ability to wield a range of persuasive tactics.
Developing others: the propensity to bolster the abilities of others
through feedback and guidance.
Communication: skill at listening and at sending clear, convincing and
well-tunes messages.
Change catalyst: proficiency at initiating new ideas and leading people
in a new direction.
Conflict management: the ability to de-escalate disagreements and
orchestrate resolutions.
Building bonds: proficiency at cultivating and maintaining a web of
relationships.
Teamwork and collaboration: competence at promoting cooperation
and building teams.

RGU Leadership Development Workshops

Managing Emotions

Benefits of improved self-awareness and self-management are:

recognising feelings in a timely way

handling them appropriately
aligning them towards personal goals
shaking off negative feelings
using energy more effectively
increasing productivity
bouncing back more quickly

Benefits of improved social awareness and social skill are:

being more tuned in to social signals

enhanced empathy
increased influence
enhanced ability to handle the emotions of others
improved leadership

There has never been any doubt that, under certain

circumstances, emotions can disrupt reasoning Yet research
indicates that reduction in emotion may constitute an equally
important
source
of
irrational
behaviour.
In
truth,
reasoning/decision-making and emotion/feeling intersect in the
brain. There is a collection of systems in the brain dedicated to
the goal-orientated thinking process we call reasoning, and to the
response selection we call decision-making. This same collection
of brain systems is also involved in emotion and feeling. Feelings
and emotion are a powerful influence on reason. I see feelings
as having a truly privileged status. They retain a primacy that
pervades our mental life. Feelings have a say on how the rest of
the brain and cognition go about their business. Their influence
is immense.
Dr. Antonio R Domasio, Head of Neurology, University of Iowa
College of Medicine

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Managing Emotions

10

BEHAVIOURAL STYLES - QUESTIONNAIRE

(EXERCISE)
Purpose
This questionnaire will help you in planning how to be as effective as
possible when dealing with other people.
By understanding your own style, and the style of people you deal with, you
can be more successful at getting agreement and commitment.
Your Task
Think of a specific person you like, perhaps a work colleague or a good
friend. With this person in mind, please look at each line on the following
two-page questionnaire.
Each line has words at each end which are opposites. For example, the first
line of the questionnaire goes from "Formal" to "Informal". Where would
you put the person you are thinking about?
If you think the person is very formal, put a plus (+) sign in box 0 or 1.
If you think they are very informal, put a + in box 9 or 10.
If you think they are somewhere in between, put a plus (+) sign in the most
suitable box.
Do not spend too much time thinking about each line; what is important is
that you put down how you see this person.
Now think of a person you dislike or perhaps find it difficult to get on with,
and repeat the exercise. This time mark the appropriate box with a minus
(-) sign.
Finally, repeat the exercise. This time, rate yourself as you think others see
you. Mark the appropriate box with a capital (I).

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Managing Emotions

11

Rating Self Controlled and Spontaneous Behaviour

0

10

Formal

Informal

Controlled

Responsive

Disciplined

Spontaneous

Head
Orientated

Gut Or Heart
Orientated

Appears
Organised

Appears
Disorganised

Reserved

Impulsive

Withholds
Feelings

Expresses
Feelings

Task
Orientated

Relationship
Orientated

Cold

Warm

Distant

Close

Page Totals:

Person 1
Person 2
Person 3

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Managing Emotions

12

Rating easy going and dominant behaviour

0

10

Passive And

Aggressive

Gentle

And Pushy

Hesitant And
Quiet
Communicator

Communicates
And Talks
Readily

Appears Shy

Appears
Confident

Submissive

Authoritative

And Relaxed

And Assertive

Goes Along

Takes Charge

Asks

Makes

Questions

Statements

Accepts

Challenges

Others Views

Others Views

Subdued/

Overbearing

Stand-offish
Appears

Appears

Thoughtful

Active

Indirect

Direct

Page Totals:

Person 1
Person 2
Person 3

RGU Leadership Development Workshops

Managing Emotions

13

Plotting the styles

Your answers to the questionnaire can be turned into a 'picture' of the
person you were thinking about.
Each tick for the person scores the number at the top of the column. Add up
the total score for each person separately on the first page of the
questionnaire and write it at the bottom of the page. Now do the same for
the second page.
Mark the score for the first page ("Self Control-Spontaneous") on the vertical
side (Y Axis) of the Behavioural Style Box. Mark the score for the second
page ("Easy Going - Dominant") on the horizontal side (X Axis) of the
Behavioural Style Box.
The position of the person concerned is at the intersection of these two
plots. Mark the position on the graph.
Behavioural styles box
Spontaneous
100

75
Y

50

25
SelfControlled
0
0
25
Easy Going

50
X

RGU Leadership Development Workshops

Managing Emotions

14

75

100
Dominant

BEHAVIOURAL STYLES
Potential strengths and weaknesses
You can be perceived by others to have the strengths or weaknesses (or
both) of your 'style'. It all depends on what you do and how you do it.

AMIABLE
SPONTANEOUS

Strength
Supportive
Dependable
Agreeable
Helpful

EXPRESSIVE
Weakness
Soft
Submissive
Indecisive
Undisciplined

ANALYST
SELFCONTROLLED

Strength
Serious
Industrious
Persistent
Exacting

Strength
Ambitious
Stimulating
Enthusiastic
Amusing

Weakness
Manipulative
Excitable
Egotistical
Flippant

DRIVER
Weakness
Dull
Critical
Pedantic
Over-detailed

EASY GOING

RGU Leadership Development Workshops

Managing Emotions

Strength
Determined
Efficient
Decisive
Practical

Weakness
Arrogant
Hard
Dominating
Unsympathetic

DOMINANT

15

BEHAVIOURAL STYLES
Dealing With Different Styles

Amiable

Expressive

Smile

Reflect their enthusiasm

Be relaxed

Adopt a positive attitude

Show interest in the person

Return their humour

Be prepared to lead the discussion

Be open and direct

Suggestions, not statements

DO NOT be cold with them

GENTLY pin them down

Be ready to bring them back to the

business

Find out what yes really means

Build on their ideas

Summarise frequently

Agree the agreement in specific

terms

Be prepared to talk social

Be challenging

Analyst

Driver

Avoid question and answer session

Do not waste time

Keep to broad issues

Talk about WORK, not SOCIAL

Motivate them

Not too many smiles

Do not laugh until they do

Come quickly to the point

Be more formal and serious

Do not contradict

Ask them questions

Be positive

Find out what is important to them

Do not be too relaxed

Do not hurry them

Make the answer their idea

Have a strong agenda / structure

When the business is over; Go!

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Managing Emotions

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MOMENTS OF AWARENESS
When developing emotional intelligence, this is a useful aide-memoire that
helps you to remember to focus your attention on what exactly is happening
at any given moment and highlights where your attention is in relation to it.
This practice, although very simple, is potentially a very powerful tool in
terms of keeping you focused.
1

What is happening right now?

What is my outcome?

How is what I am doing taking me closer to what I want?

am I doing right now?

am I seeing right now?
am I hearing right now?
am I feeling right now?
responses am I getting from others?

What do I want right now?

What
What
What
What
What

Make a choice in response to this.

"I choose .........."

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Managing Emotions

17

BENEFITS OF TAKING NOTICE OF VISUAL BEHAVIOURS

If you become more aware of visual behaviours you stand to gain in two
different ways:
People find it easier to control what they say than to conceal their visual
behaviours. This being so, if you pay attention to the visual aspects of their
behaviour you can gather lots of extra information that helps you to
understand what they really mean and how they are really feeling. Visual
behaviours are a real give away, so pay attention to the signals sent by
others in response to your behaviour and adapt accordingly.
Even though visual behaviours are undoubtedly more difficult to control, you
can train yourself to use visual behaviours that help rather than hinder your
transactions.
HOW TO CONTROL YOUR VISUAL BEHAVIOUR
The secret of success is to concentrate on some simple combinations. If you
do just one thing in isolation it probably will not have the desired effect
because people gain a general, overall impression from a combination of:

your facial expression and head movements

gestures with your hands and arms
the rest of your body including your legs.

All three aspects need to be practised so that it all comes together to give
the right impression.

RGU Leadership Development Workshops

Managing Emotions

18

WHICH VISUAL BEHAVIOURS TO AVOID

You may be in the habit of using some visual behaviours that run the risk of
giving the other person a poor impression of you. Watch the response you
are getting from others, are you sending negative or conflicting signals. You
may be totally unaware of which visual behaviours are letting you down.
Check to see how often you do some of the following.
People will tend to see you as
defensive if you:

People will tend to see you as

anxious if you:

Face and head

Dont look at the other person.
Avoid eye contact or immediately
look away when it happens.

Face and head

Blink your eyes frequently.
Lick your lips.
Keep clearing your throat.

Hands and arms

Clench you hands.
Cross your arms.
Constantly rub an eye, nose or ear.

Hands and arms

Open and close your hands
frequently.
Put your hand over your mouth while
speaking.
Tug at an ear.

Body
Lean away from the other person.
Cross your legs.
Swivel your feet towards the door.
People will tend to see you as
aggressive if you:
Face and body
Stare at the other person.
Have a wry Ive heard it all before
type smile.
Raise your eyebrows in exaggerated
amazement or disbelief.
Look over the top of spectacles.

RGU Leadership Development Workshops

Managing Emotions

Body
Fidget in your chair.
Jig your feet up and down.
Hands and arms
Thump your fist on the table.
Rub the back of your neck.
Body
Stand while the other person
remains seated.
Stride around.
If seated, lean right back with both
hands behind your head and legs
splayed.

19

WHICH VISUAL BEHAVIOURS TO USE

If you want to come across at
friendly and co-operative adopt
the following combinations:

If you want to appear confident

adopt the following combinations:
Face and head
Look into the other persons eyes.
Dont blink your eyes.
Thrust your chin forward.

Face and head

Look at the other persons face.
Smile.
Nod your head as the other person is
talking.

Hand and arms

Keep hands away from your face.
Steeple your fingertips together.
If standing, have hands together
behind you in an at ease position.

Hands and arms

Have open hands.
Hand to face occasionally.
Uncrossed arms.

Body
If seated, lean back with legs out in
front of you.
If standing, keep straight.
Stay still, no sudden movements, no
wriggling.

Body
Uncrossed legs.
Lean forward slightly.
Move closer to the other person.
If you want to appear thoughtful try
the following combinations:
Face and head
When listening, look at the other
person for about three quarters of
the time.
Tilt your head to one side slightly.
Hands and arms
Hand to cheek.
Slowly stroke your chin or pinch the
bridge of your nose.
If you wear spectacles, take them off
and put an earframe in your mouth.
Body
Lean forward to speak.
Lean back to listen.
Keep your legs still (no jiggling).

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Managing Emotions

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RAPPORT
Levels of Rapport
Cosily warm
Warm
Understanding
Lukewarm
Neutral
Cool

Best
for
business

Conflict
Matching/Mirroring
- a spontaneous occurring phenomenon when Rapport exists.
Verbal
- voice tone/ tempo/volume
language patters (e.g. see, hear, feel)
Non-Verbal
- Posture
- gestures/rhythm
- breathing rate/position
- eye movements
Beliefs/Values

The process of establishing and maintaining a relationship of mutual trust

and understanding between two or more parties Genie Z Laborde,
Influencing with Integrity.

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Managing Emotions

21

RAPPORT
Rapport is the ability to appreciate things from another person's point of
view. It does not necessarily mean that you will automatically agree with
them. However, it does mean that you are much more likely to accept their
feelings and be able to communicate with them easily. Equally, it will
increase the likelihood that they will understand what you wish to
communicate to them.
People in rapport tend to match each other at many different levels. You
may have noticed that when you have been in rapport with someone that
your non-verbal behaviour was like a mirror reflection of each other. In fact
this occurrence is called mirroring.
People match each other not only in their non-verbal behaviour but also in
their choice of language, the way they speak, their style of movement, their
values and beliefs and even in their breathing patterns.
Although there may be some people with whom you naturally find yourself in
rapport, there will be others with whom rapport does not naturally exist.
With these people it can be useful to create an atmosphere of rapport by
deliberately matching some of these elements. For example if you are faced
with someone who is sitting back with their head resting on their hand it
would be in-line with them to adopt a similar pose whereas if you were to sit
forward with your hands across the desk it might feel threatening to them.
Similarly if you are talking to someone who speaks in a deliberate firm voice
you will increase rapport by doing the same.
Other examples of matching
Values: For someone who values openness matching would mean either
being open in what you say, the way that you say it or in your comments
about openness.
Beliefs: In dealing with someone who believes that 'the way to do business
is by trusting people' it would increase rapport if you were to give examples
of the ways in which you demonstrate trust in others and in them.
Breathing: If you are faced with someone whose breathing is deep and low
you will more likely share their feelings by adopting a breathing pattern that
is similar.

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Managing Emotions

22

BUILDING RAPPORT ME v YOU RESPONSES

Example
of a me
type
response
1. Thats a load of rubbish!
2. Thats not fair!
3. Youre always finding fault!
4. Nobody ever gives praise when it goes
well
5. Ive got a lot to do. Will it take long?
6. Everybody else agrees with me, its just
that Im the only one who speaks up
7. Ive got enough to do without taking on
more work
8. Other people get away with it so why
should I be made to suffer?

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Example of
a you
type
response

BUILDING RAPPORT CHECKLIST

Ask open questions
Those that begin with who, what, why, how, where or when. Or please tell
me more about
Examples

Listen actively and reflectively

Use your body language and
listening noises to show that you are
interested and would like to hear more
Examples

Pick up and follow themes

Show that you are interested in pursuing the topics that the other person
has raised
Examples

Self disclosure
Say something about yourself without hogging the conversation
Examples

Admissions
Show that you are human and not 100% perfect!
Examples

Mirroring
Watch the other persons non-verbal language and match their body
movements and tone of voice
Examples

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Managing Emotions

24

AGGRESSIVE, ASSERTIVE AND SUBMISSIVE BEHAVIOUR

The Three Basic Behaviours
When two or more people are involved in a relationship they will adopt a
certain style of behaviour towards one another.
One of the most
fundamental characteristics of such behaviour is the respect that is shown
for the other's rights or opinions.
There are three basic behaviours:
Underlying Attitudes
AGGRESSIVE:
(Win-Lose)

"I have my rights, you have none"

ASSERTIVE:
(Win-Win)

"I have my rights, you have yours"

SUBMISSIVE:
(Lose-Win)

"You have your rights, I have none"

Definitive Behaviour
AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOUR
expressing or imposing one's own needs, wants, opinions, feelings or
beliefs in an uncompromising or arrogant way
ignoring or dismissing the needs, wants, etc. of others.
ASSERTIVE BEHAVIOUR
stating one's own needs, wants, opinions, feelings or beliefs in an open
and honest way
seeking and having regard for the needs, wants, etc. of others.
SUBMISSIVE BEHAVIOUR
failing to state one's needs, wants, opinions, feelings or beliefs in an open
and honest way
stating one's needs, wants, etc. in such a way that others can easily
ignore them.

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25

It is very common for people to believe they are adopting one style, but be
perceived as being in another.
For example, you may believe you are being assertive and respecting others'
opinions; they may perceive your forcefulness as being aggressive. This
may in turn lead to their becoming aggressive and an 'escalation of
aggression' occurring.
Recognising the Behaviour
Other people will - consciously or subconsciously - make a judgement on
which style of behaviour you are adopting, and having made that judgement
will react accordingly with a style of their own.
Judgement will be made as a result of what people see or hear, and you
should therefore understand what - in other people's eyes - Aggressive,
Assertive and Submissive look and sound like.

Sounds
Like

Looks
Like:

Aggressive

Assertive

Submissive

Loud

Firm

Apologetic

Few pauses

Pauses for others

Speaks over others

Open questions

Invites others opinions

Uncertain

Imperatives:

Asks permission before

interrupting
Conditionals:

Few questions, or
rhetorical questions
Interrupts

Allows others to talk

over / interrupt
Denigrates own opinion

We must

We could

You cant

You might

Contradicts

Stares

Good eye contact

Avoids eye contact

Points

Open hand gestures

Fidgets

Strong gestures

Head forward

Tight, jerky hand

movements

Finger drumming

Interested
expression
Nodding agreement

Eager nodding in

Tightly folded arms

Arm movement at /
above shoulder
height
Shaking head in
disagreement

agreement
Hunched shoulders

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Managing Emotions

Leaning slightly
forward
Arm movement below
shoulder height
Slow movements

26

The Influence of Behaviour

By speaking or acting in the ways described above, you may be perceived to
be in that particular style regardless of where you think you are. Your own
style of behaviour influences the style of the people you are meeting with,
sometimes counter-productively.
For example, perceived aggression can result in submission by the other
person, with result that only your views are heard and the other person
'retreats into their corner' and lowers their contribution to the meeting.
Valuable information or opinions could be lost.
Alternatively, perceived aggression can lead to counter-aggression which can
quickly lead to the business of the meeting becoming secondary to the interpersonal battle to win the argument.
Perceived submission can inspire arrogance and aggressive behaviour in
others, again leading to interpersonals becoming an obstacle to an effective,
productive meeting.
Assertiveness: Key to Success
A style of behaviour which respects others' rights, listens to their opinions
and values their contributions whilst at the same time maintaining a similar
level of respect for yourself, can be one of the most useful contributions to
the success of a relationship.
The ability to avoid being drawn towards the counter-productive styles of
aggression or submission can be enhanced simply by:

recognising the reasoning that makes you feel aggressive/submissive

following an alternative reasoning route.

Some examples of the faulty reasoning that can lead to aggressiveness or

submissiveness and alternatives that can be followed are shown below.

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FAULTY
REASONING

BEHAVIOUR

SOUND
REASONING

BEHAVIOUR

"He knows that's

not true! I'm
going to show
him up"

AGGRESSIVE

"That statement
is not true: I will
correct him
without putting
him down"

ASSERTIVE

"She really
knows her stuff.
I don't agree,
but I wouldn't
dare say so"

SUBMISSIVE

"She expresses
her views clearly.
I will offer an
alternative view
so we can
compare and
discuss"

ASSERTIVE

"I'm the
specialist in this
field, so it's not
worth asking
anyone else"

AGGRESSIVE

"I have a lot of

knowledge, but
others may have
further
information. I'll
ask"

ASSERTIVE

"I don't
understand! But
if I ask,
everyone will
think I'm stupid,
so I'll just keep
nodding"

SUBMISSIVE

"I don't
understand,
which is no
reflection on me.
I shall ask
someone to
explain"

ASSERTIVE

4-STEP ASSERTIVENESS TECHNIQUE

1. Show that you listened and understood.
2. Describe what you think or feel about a situation, making your position
clear.
3. Use the broken-record technique when you cant move your position
on something.
4. Aim towards a win/win outcome.

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SEQUENCE OF COMMUNICATION
Setting the boundaries
Determining what is included within and what is excluded from the
communication.
Establishing and maintaining rapport
Gathering information
Through questioning and/or raised awareness
Specifying outcomes
Identifying what each wants
Intervening
Acting in a manner designed to move a person, group, or organisation from
their present state to the desired state
Raise Questions that encourage persistent curiosity
If we raise questions not routinely but out of curiosity, we are more inclined
to listen to the reply, and to inquire further into what has been said. This
can be very difficult when tempers are running high. At these times it is
useful to ask yourself: Am I really trying to understand the issue from the
other person's perspective, or am I trying to gain an opportunity to put my
point across?
Use questions to clarify the meaning people give to words
We should remember that too often we assume that words only have one
meaning. We are so reluctant to seem foolish so we do not have the
courage to ask people what they mean. Much can be gained by listening
carefully to the words people use, and by understanding the specific
meaning they give to the words.
Adopting those words during your
conversation will strengthen the links between you and the other person.

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Be careful when asking 'Why' questions

When we are asked 'why' we did something, it can feel as if we are being
accused. Being asked 'why' can encourage people to come up with 'because'
answers. The difficulty in situations of conflict is that 'because' answers
often encourage people to take a stand' thus maintaining their position. As
an experiment, try for the next five days not to use the word 'why' when you
ask questions. Take note of how you re-phrase your questions and whether
or not you get more open and less hostile answers from people you used to
find difficult.
Whilst our sense of justice may be well served by labelling certain individuals
as 'difficult people', it greatly reduces our ability to work effectively with
them. Coming to a different understanding of how communications works,
and accepting our role in all communications, allows us to use our conflicts
and differences to positive effect.

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JOHARI WINDOW QUESTIONNAIRE

Self Analysis
Please read through the behaviours given below and mark yourself on a
scale of 1 to 10 depending on which value you think best reflects your
character.
A value of 10 would reflect the behaviour described as being extremely
characteristic, 5 as being somewhat characteristic and 1 as being
uncharacteristic.

1.

Open and candid in dealings with others

2.

Respect and accept others' comments/reactions

3.

Tests for agreement rather than assumes it

4.

Freely admits when confused or lacking knowledge

5.

Keen to reveal own position on issues

6.

Takes initiative in asking for others' views

7.

Open in describing feelings about others' actions

8.

Makes relevant/pertinent contributions to issues

9.

Tries hard to understand the feelings of others

10.

Encourages feedback on own ideas and actions

11.

Openly affectionate in relationships with people

12.

Participative and supportive in group work

13.

Risks exposing personal information and emotions

14.

Welcomes others' attempts to help even if critical

15.

Tries to influence and control activities of others

16.

Reluctant to let matters drop, presses for more

17.

Displays hostility and anger when annoyed

18.

Encourages collaboration in problem solving

19.

Spontaneous in speech and expression

20.

Helps those in difficulties with expressing themselves

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JOHARI WINDOW ASSESSMENT

Summary Sheet
Now take the mark you have given in response to each question on
behaviour and enter it in the exposure or feedback column as indicated, then
plot your arena area on the graph given below.
Exposure
1.

Feedback
2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10.

11.

12.

13.

14.

15.

16.

17.

18.

19.

20.

Total

Total

FEEDBACK

25

50

0
E
X
P
O
S
U
R
E

25
50
75
100

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75

100

THE JOHARI WINDOW

Known
to self

Unknown to
self
FEEDBACK

Known to
others

E
X
P
O
S
U
R
Unknown E
to others

ARENA

BLINDSPOT

FACADE

UNKNOWN

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RECEIVING FEEDBACK
Feedback is the messages that we get in response to our own actions, the
message is the words used and the way they are said. Feedback is important
as it can inform subsequent actions, so feedback matters. To make the most
of it:

Encourage feedback, listen to what is said and how it is transmitted.

Be open to feedback, listen objectively not defensively.

Learn from feedback, think about it constructively.

Understanding how your behaviour is seen by and affects others is the

first step in identifying what aspects could be improved.

Suggested behaviours when receiving feedback....

POSITIVE BEHAVIOURS

BEHAVIOURS TO AVOID

DO Listen carefully

DON'T Argue
Ignore

Acknowledge

Deny
Explain

Clarify

Justify
Excuse

Check understanding

Project
Resist

Evaluate

Defend
Distort

Incorporate as appropriate

Fight
Surrender

Observe further

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TRUST
Having trust means you know what to expect from the other person, and
believe they will consider how their actions might affect you.
Some of the key behaviours are:
DELIVERY

I trust youll do what you say youre going to do.

SHARING

I trust you will share information thats important to me.

UNDERSTANDINGI trust you to give me time, to listen to and try to

understand
my concerns.
COMPETENCE
well.

I am confident you can handle a situation or responsibility

LOYALTY

I trust you wont speak ill of me behind my back.

EMPATHY
THE ABILITY TO SENSE AND UNDERSTAND OTHERS FEELINGS
Empathy is vital
Key skills and behaviours:
Listening well and behaving in an interested but noncommittal manner, even
when you dont agree with what is being said. Letting others finish what they
have to say. Asking questions first; sharing your own thoughts second.
Watching peoples faces and body movements and trying to sense their
feelings from their expression, posture and gestures.
Acting upon your intuition saying what you are thinking rather than just
thinking it.
When in conversation you find that someone holds an opinion totally
opposed to your own, considering why he or she might hold this opinion.
Asking yourself why you react as you do in a given situation. How else could
you react? How might other people feel about these different reactions?

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INTUITION
Whether your intuition is right or wrong, you cant really lose, as the
individual can correct you and articulate his/her feelings.
Step one - Listen well
Step two - Receive a signal/form a hunch
Step three - Speak from your intuition/say what you are thinking, seeing,
hearing, feeling (but don't be too attached to your interpretation)
Useful ways to introduce what you want to say include
"I have a sense that . . ."
"Can I check out something with you . . ."
"I wonder if you are feeling . . ."
If the matter is potentially sensitive, you should ask the individuals
permission to give advice, or to share your thoughts.

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INFLUENCING SKILLS
There are four basic influencing styles:

Reward and Punishment

Participation and Trust

Common Vision

Assertive Persuasion

Reward and Punishment

This is the use of pressures and incentives to control others behaviour.
Rewards may be offered for compliance, and punishment or deprivation may
be threatened for non-compliance. Naked power may be used or more
indirect and veiled pressures may be exerted through the use of status,
prestige and formal authority.
There are three aspects of reward and punishment:
Evaluating (E) involves praise or criticism, approval or disapproval and
the moral judgement of right and wrong.
Prescribing Goals and Expectations (PGE) this is letting others know
exactly what is required and expected of them; setting clear standards on
how they will judge the performance of others.
Incentives and Pressures (I & P) applying incentives and pressures
involves offering rewards for compliance and threats of punishment or
deprivation for non-compliance; it may involve the use of naked power or
the indirect, veiled pressure of status and formal authority.

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Participation and Trust

Unlike reward and Punishment and Assertive Persuasion, where influence is
exerted by pushing others to accept ideas or to behave in desirable ways,
the use of Participation and Trust pulls others toward what is desired or
required by involving them. By actively listening to and involving others an
influencer increases their commitment to the task, and follow-up and
supervision become less critical.
There are three aspects to Participation and Trust:
Personal Disclosure (PD) - People who use personal disclosure openly
accept their limitations of knowledge and mistakes or weaknesses. By
this example, others feel accepted for what they are, and do not need to
compete for attention and control. Personal disclosure builds trust and
with it willingness to be influenced.
Recognising and Involving Others (RIO) - This involves drawing out and
listening carefully to the contributions of others and building on and
extending those ideas rather than countering with alternative proposals.
It is being quick to give credit for others ideas and suggestions and being
willing to delegate responsibilities. By skilfully recognising and involving
others, the influencer insures that they work to solve the problem and are
committed to the result, rather than resisting influence or blocking a
solution.
Testing and Expressing Understanding (TEU) - By rephrasing of playing
back what others have said the accuracy of communication is checked
and the other person feels that his or her ideas are valued.
Communicating understanding and acceptance of others know they have
been listened to, and increases their willingness to listen to your ideas
and to be influenced by them.

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Common Vision
This influence style aims to identify a common vision of the future for a
group and to strengthen the group members belief that through their
collective and individual efforts, the vision can become reality. The appeals
are to the emotions and values of others activating their personal
commitment to private hopes and ideas and channelling that energy into
work toward a common purpose. There are two aspects:Articulating Exciting Possibilities (AEP) - This is communicating
enthusiasm about possible outcomes of seemingly routine as well as
unusual projects or challenges. Using images they kindle excitement
within others and help them to imagine a better future too.
Generating and Shared Identity (GSI) - An individual appeals to common
values and hopes in others, and helps them feel the strength which
comes from a unified group. The emphasis is on what we can accomplish
if we all work together to achieve common goals and ideals.
Assertive Persuasion
This style of influencing others is characterised by the risk of logic, facts,
opinions and ideas to persuade others. The basis for agreement and
approval is the soundness of the other persons reasoning.
Assertive persuasion has two aspects:
Proposing (P) - People who use proposing behaviour are usually highly
verbal and articulate. They are forward with their ideas, proposals and
suggestions and they are not afraid of others reactions to them. Often
they ask questions in order to present their own position on matters.
They are persistent and energetic in persuading others.
Reasoning For and Against (RFA) - The other aspect of assertive
persuasion is reasoning for and against where people enjoy the cut and
thrust of verbal battles. They emphasise logical argument rather than
emotional appeal, marshalling facts for their own case and against their
opponents. They listen to others only to find their weakness in their
arguments. Even when they are defending an inferior position, they
battle away with determination.

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The Basic Influencing Framework

Using Resources
My Agenda

Your agenda
PULL

PUS
H

EN
ER
GY

Assertive

I change
your
position

Responsive

I Win

You Win

I Win, You Lose

I Lose, You Win

EN
ER
GY

Im
open
to

Aggressive

Passive

Denying Resources

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modifyi

CONFLICT HANDLING SKILLS

5 MODES
Accommodating (Smoothing)
I concede that point
I agree with you there...
I am prepared to accept that...
I will do as you say
I dont want to offend you
What is your preferred outcome
You have convinced me
I am glad we agree on this

Competing (Forcing)
Im not prepared to change my
position
I must make my position quite clear
My view is clearly the most rational
I am sure mine is the best way...
If you dont do this Ill...
I know best, youd better...
Do as youre told!

Collaborating (Problem Solving)

Lets work together on this
What is mutually acceptable
What do we disagree about
Lets find some common ground
Lets investigate the problem
My position is whats yours
Where do we differ
How can we solve this

Avoiding (Withdrawal)
I cant take responsibility for this
decision...
Id prefer not to discuss that now
lets talk about that later...
This is outside my brief
I wont be drawn on that...
Im not in a position to discuss
I dont want to talk about
I dont see your point

Compromising (Sharing)
Lets find a quick solution
Ill give you if you give me
Lets split the difference and meet halfway
We cant both win, but lets not both lose
Lets be satisfied with
Im prepared to if you
Lets both come away from this with
something

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STRESS MANAGEMENT
Stress could be defined as the result of someone being pushed beyond the limit of their
natural ability, after the strain is removed the person does not return to their previous state.
Where does the stress come from?

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How do you respond to pressure?

performance

The performance-pressure curve below shows a widely-used model of the effect

of increasing levels of pressure on an individuals performance.
Low pressure
i.e. stress

Optimum pressure

High Pressure
i.e. stress

Under-stimulation
can lead to rustout

Optimum stimulation
leads to effective
performance

Over-stimulation
can lead to burnout

tired
bored
cant decide
frustrated
dissatisfied
stagnating

energised
creative
makes good
decisions
able to manage
change
satisfied
making progress

tense
prone to illness
poor decisions
struggling
low self-esteem
exhaustion

pressure

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STRESS MANAGEMENT
What can you do to manage stress?
Manage your time

sort out the balances (home and family/work/social/community/self)

set goals

establish priorities.

Managing the changes in your life

become aware of change in your life and how respond

modify your response to change

manage future changes better.

Think and behave more assertively

recognise passive, aggressive and assertive types of behaviour

recognise your rights as a person

learn and use techniques to think and behave more assertively (e.g. in
disagreeing with others, in refusing requests, giving and receiving praise
and criticism).

Reduce job pressures

become aware of the sources of stress in the job,

develop coping tactics (change your attitude/influence others to change

their attitudes/develop
new skills/get clarification about your
job/negotiate a change in your job/get more variety and stimulation get
more structure amid stability).

Adopt a healthy lifestyle to make you more resistant to pressure

exercise for twenty minutes three times a week use deep relaxation
techniques

eat less fat, sugar, and salt, but more fibre

reduce/give up props such as smoking, alcohol, drugs and overeating.

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ACTION PLAN
Action

By When

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