In the sixth grade my best friend Brett and I decided to save our Christmas and Birthday

money so we could buy a gas powered scooter together and share it. We were so set on
the idea of being the only kids in the neighborhood with a brand new all-terrain scooter
that we completely neglected exactly how we would share it evenly. The first week or so
went without conflict, we shared the scooter and both parties were satisfied with the
shared amount of time. It wasnt until the third week that conflict started to emerge
between us. Brett was content with having mud all over the scooter and I wanted the
scooter to be washed and cleaned once a week. We were headed down a slippery slope
and lacked the conflict management skills to handle the situation constructively. At the
first sign of conflict we did not remain rational and instead I would call Brett a slob and a
dirty person. To contest my verbal accusations and mock me he would return the scooter
as dirty as he possibly could sometimes with mud still dripping from the rear fender. I did
not try to understand his point of view and felt there was no rational explanation for
keeping the scooter dirty. This lead to a shut down of communication and we found
ourselves in a stagnating relationship. The crack that seemed to take ahold of our
relationship grew so large that our parents finally stepped in and threw away the gaspowered scooter. This angered Brett and I so much but was a very crucial part in
strengthening our relationship. We were so mad at our parents that it formed a common
bond that we were able to build off of and restore our relationship. Brett and I remain best
friends today and think back to that event often. It was the first conflict in our long rich
relationship that fluctuated between the negative and positive stages of interaction.
Brett and I both have similar conflict styles and usually try to collaborate so that
both of us get to achieve our own goals. We both care about the relationships strength

and making sure it lasts. On a macro level of our relationship we both try to seek out
solutions that will satisfy both of us in order to preserve the relationship. According to the
conflict style work sheets both Brett and I would be considered Owls who seek out winwin situations. On a micro level both of our characteristics transform into different styles.
When the relationships strength is not being jeopardized Brett turns into a shark that tries
to overpower me and make sure he wins every time. On the other hand I turn into a turtle
that avoids the conflict by giving up personal goals. Both Brett and I have different styles
of conflict management to go along with different conflict situations throughout our
relationship to match the severity of the conflict. For example, senior year of high school
I asked a girl to prom that Brett secretly had a crush on. This angered Brett and created a
major conflict between us. Instead of bullying me into not going with her we comprised
and came up with an agreement to where we would go but only as friends. We preserved
our friendship and both parties were happy. Just the other day Brett and I were deciding
on where we should go for lunch and we both had different opinions. Instead of driving
to both places we had to come up with a one restaurant to eat at. Brett became the shark
and stood by his choice while I became the turtle and agreed with him to avoid conflict.
When looking at our conflict styles from an objective perspective it becomes clear to me
that our ability to change styles has helped preserve our relationships integrity. If Brett
was a shark the entire time and I was a turtle the relationship would be one sided and we
would probably find ourselves in an unhealthy relationship spiraling towards termination.
No matter how often Brett and I get along or feel we have mastered our conflict
strategies there will always be contradictory feelings and tensions looming.
Communication scholars call these contradictory feelings dialectical tensions. The first

occurrence has played a particularly large role in my relationship with Brett. The balance
between autonomy and connection has become more prevalent now that we are both in
college. We both feel a strong desire to partake in the age-old tradition of branching out
and creating new friendships but at the same times, we want to make sure we preserve the
meaningful and inner layer to core layer relationship that we have established throughout
our long friendship. In order to manage this enviable dialectical tension we unknowingly
selected certain areas of our friendship to terminate. In high school, Brett and I would
study and do our homework together. This was a healthy and beneficial aspect of our
relationship at the time and since Brett goes to UCSD and lives close we have the ability
to continue this tradition but for the sake of suppressing one need and making sure we are
not spending too much time together we have inevitably eliminated studying from our
friendship. This allows us to focus on our schoolwork individually and create new study
groups that could be more beneficial to our academic success and lead to new
friendships. In order to maintain our friendships level of connection we go out together
once a week usually on a Friday or Saturday night to prevent from drifting apart. This
allows us to have enough time apart to discuss new topics that happened throughout the
week that keep our relationship interesting and non-repetitive. This unplanned idea has
worked very well for the most part and the theme of collaboration and compromise in our
relationship has reinforced the strong areas of our relationship while allowing the
dispensable areas to be terminated without affecting the relationship as a whole.
Effective communication is at the center of most long-term, successful
relationships, and one key element to effective interpersonal communication is selfdisclosure. Self-disclosure is the exercise of confiding personal information or feelings to

another person in an attempt to open up and peel away the initial layers of a friendship.
This exercise has allowed me realize throughout the years how good of a friend Brett is. I
have disclosed with him very personal information and he has always kept it secret and
never used it against me out of anger. I find myself mainly disclosing information with
Brett due to his natural charisma, which reinforces his credibly when he is giving me
advice. At times though it seems like self-discloser communication is one sided and I am
the only one sharing. As we both mature and the relationship gets older I try disclosing
only information that is appropriate in context and is beneficial to the relationship. This
has allowed me to not seem dependent on him for solving my problems or seem like
someone who discloses personal information with everyone. I want him to feel important
and know the information I am disclosing is highly sensitive and I truly value his advice.