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X^olumc^ 3febUfr

Con -t &n -t ^s
Rock'n
Rural
Rock'n
Rural
To p
Rock'n Rural lap Ten Videos
Dear
How

albums
Te n
Singles

Amanda
Cool

Her
His

Are

Word
Word

Tremendously
In
Amanda's

To u g h

the
Most

Rock'n

Yo u
-

Quiz
Trouble
Trouble

Trivia

Te s t

News
Unusual
Problems

Rural

1
1

Singles

3
4
4
5
6
6
7

O -t At, 5nr%o& ?- t at
Otherworld
1985

Predictions

C.R.H.S.

Staffroom

8
g
9

Siam

and

Siam

10

Siam

and

Siam

11

Story
Know

12
12
12

Credits
The
We

Same
Wanna"

Old

i?<c?c?te*r* R*j,-?~czL Alburns (LP's)

Mick Jagger "She's The Boss" - very good. Mick steps out on his own with his first
solo LP. He enlisted the able support of friends Pete Townshed, Jeff Beck, and producer
Nile Rodgers. Soma very good tunes here that stand up ably against some of the Stones'
most recent work. Mick doesn't waste time getting down to the nitty gritty on songs
like "Just Another Night" and "Running Out of Luck." If the Stones ever run dry,
Mick'tl have no trouble finding work with his own material. A worthwhile album - give
it a listen.
George Thorogcod & The Destroyers "Maverick" - very good. Finally, some high energy
blues tinged rock scorched with sizzling gUiitar. George dishes it out with a fury
matched only by Springsteen. Standouts - "Gear Jammer," "I Drink Alone," and Chuck
Berry's classic "Memphis" is taken right to the limit. Positively party music. Play it
loud.
Malcom McLaren "Fans" - fair. This is the man who brought us the Sex Pistols, and
the Great Rock and Roll Swindle. Taking themes from several classic operas - Madame
Butterfly, Caroen, Turandot, Gianni Schicci - McLaren has constructed an opera of sorts
of his own. More for the experimental minded. The album's cover is a little daring.
Robin George "Dangerous Music" - fair. Decent guitar runs into limited singing and
songwriting. Problem is the music isn't dangerous enough.
Little River Band "Playing to Win" - good. The band enlisted Quiet Riot / Kickaxe
producer Spencer Proffer to give the new line-up a harder sound for this album. It's
still lightweight. More for the Hall & dates crowd. Awful album cover.
/?<c*cte * m ttrXT-ct t Top Ten Singles Countdown.
We, the music staff of the Reader's Digress, are listening very carefully to the
music being played on the radio. We also check out the current record buying trends,
and watch the most popular videos. It is our estimation that the following songs are
the top ten songs in Canada this week.
10) Lover Boy - Billy Ocean
9) Run to You - Bryan Adams
8) All I Need - Jack Wagner
7) Bom in the U.S.A. - Bruce Springsteen
6) Old Man Down the Road - John Fogarty
5) Neutron Dance - Pointer Sisters
4) You're the Inspiration - Chicago
3) I Warma Know What Love Is - Foreigner
2) Careless Whisper - Wham!
1) Easy Lover - Phil Collins & Phillip Bailey
R&cte m n. ttu-r-cz t Top Tsn Video Countdown.
Our exposure to requests for videos is limited; however, we feel that for the most
popular vicfeos, the following are the top ten:
10) The Boys of Summer - Don Henley
9) Save a Prayer - Duran Duran
8) The Word Is Out - Jermaine Stewart
7) 9nall Town Boy - Brcnski Beat
6) Romantic Traffic - Spoons
5) Careless Whisper - Wham!
4) Shout - Tears For Fears
3) Method of Modem Love - Hall & Dates
2) I Warrt To Know What Love Is - Foreigner
1) Neutron Dance - Pointer Sisters

My boyfriend is insanely jealous. Every time I even look sideways at a guy, he goes
eras)/. I cah't help looking at other people, so what am I going to da?
Green Eyed Monster's Girl
Dear Ms. Girl
Tell Green that he's being unreasonable. You don't treat him that way, why should
you put up with it? You can't walk around with your eyes closed - you might bump into
something or someone I
Dear Amanda
}ty problem is I have no problem. I am good looking, wonderfully funny, and
basically a terrific guy. My clothing puts all the other guys at C.R.H.S. to shame;
nobody apreciates a preppy these days. Let's face it, I'm a social butterfly, but the
lunch hour just isn't long enough to mingle with my admirers. How can I fit all this
socializing into a measly hour?
A.L. (The Hot Dog)
Dear A.L.
Grow up!!! If you brought your lunch to school, you wouldn't waste most of your
lunch hour socializing by scrounging money! You sound like you are from Colonel Gray; I
bet you even have Bolet's and deck shoes!
Dear Amanda
It is a great idea to have this advice column because lots of people In this
school have problems, especially me. YoXf see, I like this guy on the hockey team. We
met at a party and he seemed really interested. We got to know each other pretty good!
Then on Monday in school, he completely ignored me. What can I do to get him interested
in me again?
A Redmen Fan
Dear Redmen Fan
If you are- interested in a real relationship, for starters, don't begin it at a
hockey party! Some of those boys have quite a reputation! Get to know him at school.
Say hello. Ask him about his classes, or maybe even tutor him at your house. Pretty
soon, he'll be calling you.
Dear Amanda
I am a Siamese twin. My problem is my brother. He follows me everywhere I go. I
go out on a date with a girl and he comes with me for the fun of it. When I kiss my
girlfriend goochight, he has to kiss her too. It's not as if we were connected at the
shoulders you know. He just does it to bug me. How can I stop him from following me
around. I keep telling him not to, but he won't listen. What should I do?
Joint Affair
Dear J.A.
I don't really see* your problem. You want your girlfriend to have a good time,
don't you? Well isn't it double the fun for her? If your brother is really stuck on
going out With you, why not find him a girlfriend, or may I suggest, a trial
separation?!?!
Dear Amanda
Help! You see, I have this girlfriend. Well, I guess you could call her my
girlfriend. We have gone out a few times and I thought we both had a really great time,
but then in school.... all I can say is that it's just not the same in school. She says
hi, and is friendly, but it's as if we're just casual friencs. What can I do?
Desparate in the daytime
Dear Desparate
I thihk that maybe you should confront her about this. Maybe it's not her that is
changing at school. Do you pay attention to her? You'd better review your free time.
What do you ob with it? All I Can say is that you both should talk this over. After
all, I can't db everything! Well maybe.
Amanda,

H e w & < = ? & L A r - & ? Vo u ?

The moment the truth has finally arrived. After answering the following questions
and rating yourself accordingly, you will know It you have what it takes to be the
ultimately cool person.
1) If you could be anyone in the world, who would you be?
A) Mickey Mouse
B) Princess Diana
C) Ronald Reagan
D) Boy George
2) What is your favourite TV show?
A) Knight Rider
B) Mr. Roger's hteighbeurhced
C) The National (with Know I tori Nash)
D) Spider Man
3) If you wen a free trip to anywhere in the world, where would you go?
A) The Bohemian Jungle
B) Antarctica
C) New York City
D) Micheal Jackson's House
4) What do you want to do with your life?
A) become a professional nose-picker
B) get rich
C) Become a sanitation engineer (garbage man)
D) I wanna' rock!
5) If your house were en fire and you could only save one thing, 'what would it be?
A) Your Duran Duran tapes
B) your security blanket
C) your make-up and curling iron
D) your parents
6) Complete the sentence. A palanauin is ???
A) a place where seeks are locked up
B) a form of punishment
C) a sofa
D) a type of penguin
7) What is your favourite sport?
A) vegetating
B) food fights
C) meditating
D) abusing your physics teacher
8) Your favourite musical performer(s) is
A) Sonny 6 Cher
B) Tommy Hunter
C) Prince
D) Boxcar Willie
Scoring:
Have a free 10 bonus points to start with. If your life's ambition is to be a
sanitation engineer who resembles Ronald Reaean and like to meditate to the sounds of
Boxcar Willie, give yourself 10 points. However, if you answered question S correctly
and you'd travel to see Micheal Jackson's house, subtract 17 points. If you rescued
your Duran Duran tapes from the burning house (proving your a true Duranie) give
yourself 25 points (Duranies -are among the coolest people in the world). Note: if you
cheated or lied on this quiz, have an extra 25 point bonus. Add your age to your
sub-total.
Ratings:
7 to 25 - keep trying. You'll get there someday
25 to 50 - you've got it made
50 and up - to be cooler, sit in your freezer for several hours.

No doubt everyone has heard the old maxim, "Clothes make the man." This issue's
column will tell you specifically what kind of "man" (as if that term could be applied
to any one of the males at C.R.H.S.) you are.
Without a doubt, the most easily identifiable type of guy is the jock. Found in the
gym wearing sagging gym pants and a sweatshirt emblazoned with NIKE or some
university's logo, this individual's hobbies include measuring how many litres of
perspiration one can sweat in an hour (not including that absorbed by his gym clothes),
taping and re-taping his hockey stick, and coming up with new sports to excel in. His
most important fashion accessory is his bottle of roll-on Mitchum deodorant, which
lasts up to 24 hours longer which means he only has to apply it every second day. Thus
saving time for more important things like tieing his shoes. Fortunately, sports
companies are manufacturing sneakers with velcro fastenings that do not pose the
challenging problem of how to tie one's shoes without making knots.
The heavy metal fan is recognized by his more animalistic tastes in fashion, which
include leopard skin pants and shirts that look like they were fed to a hungry cow and
then regurgitated. Mr. Headbanger's most necessary accessory is his Cooper hockey
helmet which protects his cranium from the brutal batterings and bashings it might
recieve while molesting cement walls at Twisted Sister rock concerts. His,pastimes
include assaulting clerks in record shops and putting his shirts in the blender to
achieve" that ravenous look.
You'll never lose this guy in a crowd. Attired in purple and green polyester dress
pants matched with a black and yellow polka-dot shirt, this geek really tries hard to
make a fashion statement. And when he doesn't succeed, he turns to his most trusted
fashion accessory, his security blanket. This well worn piece of cloth is the key to
his daily existance. This dude's recreational activities include reading books on how
to be popular with girls and trying to be cool.
The monotonous sound of the Greb Kodiak workboot shuffle distinguishes the rugged
individual from everyone else. The faded jean jacket and'jeans show that he prefers to
have stone-washed clothes (even if he has to find the stones himself). One can conclude
that Mr. Rugged Individual likes the outdoors a great deal from examining his hobbies
which include walking to school in frezzing sub-zero temperatures, seeing how much
weight his steel toed boots can endure, and pushing his truck through the mud in the
rainy season. His primary fashion accessories include a complete screwdriver and wrench
set and emergency rations for survival in wilderness situations.
Mr. Intellectual with the clip and cuff links, and matching loafers, brings joy to
any mother's heart as he repesents the ideal, reliable, dependable, dull, boring
husband that she wants for her daughter. Mr. Intellectual's favourite ways to relax
include memorizing the biological classification of the common anteater and trying to
enlighten his personality. Less formal daytime attire includes his own monogrammed lab
coat (for chemistry) and a scrub suit (for disection in biology class). His most
imortant fashion asset is the World Book Encyclopedia volume he carries with him
everywhere he goes.
Now that you have been alerted to the dangers that lurk behind 3 piece suits,
leopard skin pants, sweatshirts, etc., you should be able to make your own analysis of
what kind of "man" is hiding behing'those clothes. Good luck!
In the next edition, my colleague and I will discuss SEX.
H~L

&

Wo-r-d

T'r-O'Urt?

&

.-

This month, I and my female colleague will write t^'T^TiJr^ ^Hv-^c"

on fashion. First of all, leather-look plastic pants ["w ^^^^2^(5^*
with gold plated tow chains wrapped around one's ^^r^mmt&s^^&ms^m^^^^
waist are out! (And although some girls haven't
heard yet, skin tight designer jeans ate taboo
also). Anyway, we'll start With the feet J deck or
boat shoes are in fashion now, although nobody in
this school is wearing the originals! Real deck
shoes have leather soles with ribbing along them to
provide a good grip on slippery decks (hence the
name). Argyle socks, not heavy-duty work socks,
are best suited to complement one's fashionable footwear. Bunny slippers, work boots,

and high heels, although great on girls, they are not recommended for guys.
Now, when covering one's loins, slight variations take place between male and female
lines. It's okay for girls to wear short skirts (coming back into style, you
fashionmongers) and dressy pants, never army surplus junk! Surface mounted 3-d pockets
are the "in" look now, for guys and girls, but not on teachers. Teachers must Wear
polyester leisure suits made from melted Dannie and Marie records (some teeners already
do).
Well enough of this stupid junk. Would all you jerk-faced weirdos please stop
reading so I can insult your half-witted feable little minds. If you keep reading
(which I doubt you can), it's probably because you have an IQ that's equal to the room
temperature (degrees celcius). Let's get down to the facts. Most girls dress like
slobs! (.1 dress like a slob too, but let's not get into that right now). Take, for
instance, the girl who wears Adidas sneakers, tight Levis', a semi-transparent blouse,
and a woolen vest. That's all. No socks or anything else. What kind of girl is this? A
popular one. But the next kind of girl, the super-peer-pressured conformist, thinks
she's being fashionable when she wears what everyone else is wearing. Hah!!! Would your
female friend wear a "FRAJSKIE SAY WAR" or "BAD GIRLS" sweater? Probably.
However, other forms of female taste exist, like the avant garde super prepette, who
always wears dress shoes, expensive limited edition clothing, one of a kind hairstyles,
and is constantly up-dated by good strong blasts of VogUe^and similar rag
magazines. This kind of lady one can really appreciate, as she brings a breath of fresh
air to Wall to wall denim.
There's also the semi-trim, a new model for '85, who flirts with the fashionable
(and expensive) but can fall back on a selected wardrobe of very acceptable dresswear.
The semi-trim can be seen Tuesdays through Thursdays of each week, as they are limited
on the amount of fashion per week. Most semi-trims work part-time to support their
fashion habit.
Anyway, there are far too many types of odd ball feamles to mention, especially when
there are some pretty decent girls in our school. Unfortunately, this .column is
supposed to insult and infuriate females, So those of you who are not giddy little
bodies looking for a guy to cling to, can stop reading now. I mean it! Stop reading
right this moment. Now to those dizzy inferiority complexes left over, I must state the
following: WAKE UP! Clothing is an expression of one's self. Don't screw it up by going
around in beer sweatshirts when you want to wear a fashionable co-ordinate to suit the
occaision. Trends are started when people have enough sense to wear or not to wear what
they want. That is what dictates fashion, not gaudy designs in day-glo orange at the
rack of some better clothihg stores. Remember what you want when you go into such a
store. Ask for what you want. Don't accept an uncomfortable or expensive style pushed
on you. Then, you will be a trend setter.
Next month my colleague (and my computer date) will discuss (whatever
Susan wants.) [Note: Susan selected sex].

To enter this contest, simply answer as many of the following trivia questions as
possible oh a sheet of paper. Don't'forget to add your name and class to the sheet. The
prize for the contestant with the most correct answers will be [arrfiouriced]. The
winner will be announced in the next issue of the Reader's Digress. All entries must be
in no later than March 6.
1) Name the famous brother duo who starred in the 1930's film "The Jest."
2) How old must an American-born citizen be in order to be eligible for presidency
of the United States?
3) Who is Gladys Smith better known as?
4) What length is U.S. paper currency?
5) Who directed "Karate Kid"?
6) How many children did Johan Sebastian Bach father?
7) Which Pope was the first to visit New York City?
8) Who played Noyt Axton in the movie "Gremlins"?
9) Which NHL team placed 14 overall in 1983-84?
10) Who speaks for the Aardvark on "The Pink Panther"?

The Charlottetown Rural High School Band is engaged in what is called

a competition year. First of all, this year there is more than one band.
In fact there ate three bands, each separate from the other. The regular
band, or just plain high school band is playing musical pieces of
moderate difficulty. They have their additional practices on the mornings
of the odd days of the cycle at 8:00 in the band mobile. The Contract
Band, or adavhced band, is playing music which is relatively harder than
the high school band's music. The Contract Band, which practices on
Monday nights from 7:00 to 8:30, will be entered in the advanced
catagories of the music festivals. The third band is the Stage Band (jazz
band). They practice at lunch time of the,odd days of the six day cycle.
The Stage Band, sometimes directed by Julie Gallant, will be entered in
other catagories at the music festivals. Apart from the three main bands,
there are also several small ensemble groups (2 to 4 players each) that
will enter music festivals.
The Charlottetown Music Festival will be held during the first week of
May this year. This festival is very competitive. We wish all three bands
success at this challenging festival. We wish Mr. (Moo Cready) McCready,
the conductor and band leader, luck in motivating his students to learn
all of their parts.
The Mohcton Music Festival, traditionally held in the last week of
May, will be attended by all three bands if all goes as planned. The
bands are working hard this year So we prdeict that they will perform
well.
The C.R.H.S. Debating Club is having an excellent year. Last fall,
they went to a debating training session in Halifax, and participated in
debates held in English classes. Just before Christmas, in a competitive
debate With Colonel Gray, the Rural team whipped the Gray's.debating team
which has about twice as many members. When it comes to Colonel Gray,
quantity does not make quality. At a recent meet, which was not
competitive, the Rural team hosted Gray's team and all had a good time,
except for Mrs. Scott and Mr. Weeks (the teacher advisors) who had to
clean up after supper.
On March 7, 1985, the Island competition will be held. In all
probability it will occur at Colonel Gray High School. Nova Scotia, which
has many excellent debating teams, will be sending over its overall
champion to this competition. If our team wins, it will be a great
victory. The resolution for the upcoming debate is "Should Capital
Punishment Be Reinstated?". Fortunately., our team is prepared for this
topic. It should be ah exciting tournament.
* I'm a busdriver and want some more onformation on how to become a
shepherd.
Frank
Kelly
* I'm a shepherd and want* some more information on how to become a
bUsdriver.
Grig
Mannus
* I hear there is life after death. If that's true, can you get me in
touch With my uncle Leroy Albrecht from Orillia, Ontario?
Biroh "Rain Pants" Showered
* My boyfriend burns the hair out of his hose with a lighted match.
And he thinks I'm crazy cause I voted for Turner.
Ruth Kidney
* I can't trust my boyfriend. He hid my dentures so I couldn't vote
for the Liberals. Should I go back to my husband?
M. Bacon
* My father Want's to be buried in his '69 Chevy. Is this natural?
K. Knash
* A girl I sit next td always has body odour. What can I do about
her?
Brain
Decay

/?ocrfc * n &%jl-t-cl L Singles (45's)

The author of this music article would like to thank CFCY for all their help in
its production. CFCY generously loaned him the music and the valuable studio time to
aid him in his efforts.
Deep Purple "Knocking at Your Back Door" from the LP "Perfect Strangers" - good.
This new offering from the reunited Deep Purple shows a more mature style for these
metal masters. Ian Gillan's singing is smooth and powerful. Guitarist Richie Blackmore
is rather subdued compared to his earlier work - nonetheless, a fine song from the
album.
Twisted Sister "The Price" from the LP "Stay Hungry" - fair. Sounds Like the
Scorpions* "Still Loving You." Run of the Mill, boring.
Pat Metheney Group / David Bowie "This Is Not America" theme from "The Falcon and
the Snowman" - good. Metheney is a jazz-rocker, who works well here with Bowie. Bowie
sounds a bit strained in parts, but the melody is haunting.
Rod Stewart "All Right Now"vfrom the LP "Camouflage" - poor. A horrible rendition of
the Free classic. Get the original before listening to this trash.
Corey Hart "Lamp At Midnight" - good. Hart's got an interesting voice - nothing
special about this one. More dance floor fodder.
Little River Band "Playing to Win" from the LP of the same name - good. Adequate
singing and playing, but a bit too much synthesizer.
Tears for Fears "Shout" - poor. Boriftg-* repetitive.
Plane P Project "What I See" from the LP "Pink World" - good. Despite the wimpy band
name, the single has a good sound to it, similar to Pink Floyd.
Steve Miller Band "Bongo Bongo" from the LP Italian X-Rays" - poor. Yuck. I can't
believe this is the guy who gave us classics like "The Joker," "Keep on Rockin' Me
Babe," and "Fly Like an Eagle." This new sound is so far removed from his previous
tunes, it's impossible to fathom it. Senseless synthesizers, meaningless music.
Joan Jett & The Blackhearts "Cherry Bomb" from the LP "Glorious Results of a Mispent
Youth" - fair. Hit-and-miss here. Joan is still trying to match her successful "I love
Rock'n Roll" LP. Less of her usual guitar sound, and more synthesizer.
Eugene Wilde "Gotta Get You Home Tonight" - very good. Very easy listening. Light, a
little jazzy. Great voice, similar to the late Marvin Gaye.
Stevie Wonder "Don't Drive Drunk" - from the LP "Soundtrack from 'The Woman in
Red'" - good. A good song supporting M.A.D.D. Should belong with a commercial. Sounds a
little Giostbuster-ish.
The Cars "Why Can't I Have You" from the LP "Heartbeat City" - fair. A little weak.
You just can't believe Ocasek's singing here - he sounds insincere. Get the LP instead.
Ultravox "Love's Great Adventure" from the LP "The Collection" - poor. For
synthesizer fans only. Too bland - lacking in everything.
Tom Robinson "War Baby" from the LP "Hope and Glory" - poor. Wimpy, anti-war trash.
John Waits "Restless Heart" from the LP "No Brakes" - fair. "Missing You" is the
single you want from this album. This one just gets lost in the pile.

Ct-bVi,&7~%&0'7- Let
Many world3 exist beyond the realm of our universe. These OTHERWORLD dimensions were
discovered by the ancients; but, through the ages, the portals to the other dimensions
have been sealed. However, early this year, two portals were discovered by members of
this newspaper's staff. Each voyaged to another dimension and observed the parallel
evolutions which had occured there. There were many similarities; in one dimension
people even had the same names as we do here. From that dimension, we have predictions
with typsy Wing Tohg Lee.
From the other otherworld, we have a report of our parallel school, Chuckwood
Regional High School, In the dimension this is from, people have slightly different
names, In both other dimensions, the personalities of the people are drastically
different from those of their counterparts in our world.

Hel Xo! I'm Gypsy Wing Tohg Lee and I'm here to give you my predictions for
1985. So Without further adieu (simply because I can't think of a better intro), here
are my predictions*
*Mr. Austin MacOonald will abandon his old and crazy ways to become a TV evangelist.
That's E-V-*-N-G-E-L-I-S-T, Austin.
Mrs. M. Dover will write a book entitled "The Life and Times of Billy the Kid
Shakespeare" based on excerpts from her grandfather's diary.
Mr. J. B. MacOonald will finally take his students' advice and commit himself to a
home for bad comics.
Bill Will quit his job as janitor to run in the next provincial election.
Mr. Morrison' Will star in a made for TV movie to be called "Billy Bishop Goes to
New York."
*Mr. Shea will take a driver training course.
Mr. Birch's grade 12 biology class will discover on March 1st that their supply of
lab cats has been stolen.
The cafeteriai will serve Chinese food on March 2nd.
*Mr, Power will announce his sighting of a U.F.O. In his report, he will announce
seeing little Martians with tooth-pick like bodies, large green heads, and a single red
eye.
Cafeteria crew will develop a desire for Italian food and serve only peperoni pizza
with garlic sauce to students and staff. As a result, school will be cancelled cue to a
lade of communication.
Mr. Wynne Will organize a rock'n roll band called "Eugene and the Eusers." They
will go on to write such hits as "I Wanna New Slug," "You Might Trunk (I'm a Teacher),"
"We're Not Gonna Fake It," "The Heart and Kidheys of Rock'n Roll," "Careless Whimper,"
"Like a Surgeon," "Wild Toys," "Sleazy Lover," "Preacher, Preacher," "Caribbean
Spleen," and much, much, more!!!
Mrs, Dorsey's grade 11 English class will boycott classes claiming that sleep is
for the home.
*Mr. D. Connolly, Mr, Carson, and Mr. Rodgerson will form the D-Team to fight
against crime in the school's washrooms.
Mr. McCarville will -ah- enter the Guiness Book -ah- of World Records for the -ahlongest speech with-ah-out flubbing his -ah- words. The new record will be set at -ah10 seconds.
Howard Rodgerson, turning towards his musical interests, will release his smash
single, "Protron Dance."
The grade twelve biology class will be sued for mal-practise by Kermit the Frog,
Ahd I, Gypsy Wing Tong Lee will be crucified if this article makes print. Catch me
next time for more exciting predictions from your favourite guru, namely me, Gypsy Wing
Tong Lee. That's L--E, Austin.

The continuing story of the lives and loves of the staff of a modern ill-eqjipt high
school: Chuckwood Regional in Chucktown.
Our scene opens with Principal Puff Donnelly storming into the office. He turned to
the secretary and demanded, "Who are you?"
"I'm the secretary." she said expressionlessly.
"Do you have a name?" he asked angrily.
"I don't know," she said expressionlessly.
"Well tell Mr. Larson and Mr. Maul to get in my office now!"
The two appeared in Donnelly's office before you could say, "Send in the clowns."
"What's going on in this school?" shouted Puff. "I can't tell who's who anymore. For
instance, who is teaching gym now, Mr. Seal or Mr. Laird?"
"Both, sir," said Larson,
"Both! We can't afford to pay two gym teachers!" cried Puff furiously.
"It's okay, sir. Miss Trollops isn't here this semester." said Larson.
"She's not? Who's teaching the girls: Laird or Seal?" asked Puff confused.
"I think they flip a coin every morning," said Larson.
* "Alright then. But who's that vicious looking guy I saw in Mr. Meston Harmony's
room?" demanded Puff.
"That's Mr. Charles Raynor. He's an okay guy, but don't wave anything red in front
of him* He can get a little crazy sometimes."
Just then, Mr. McAardvark burst in.
"What do you want?" growled Larson baring his horseteeth.
"And who's this guy?" asked Puff.
"Ah- I'm Corkey McAardvark. I'm a social studies teacher -ah- I'm involved in the
winter carnival and the yearbook." stumbled Mr. McAardvark. "I'm glad I've -ah- caught
youse together. I don't think this school is being run fairly. The power is
concentrates 'in the hands of a -ah- small group. It's not..."
"Get out or your fired!" interrupted Donnelly.
"Cfcay, I'll see youse later, sirs," he said leaving quickly.
"You two get out too," said Puff to his vice-principals. "If there's any
administative stuff, you two take care of it together. Don't bug me for the rest^of the
day!" he exclaimed. "I've got principally things to do."
"That'll be difficult, sir," said Mr. Larson.
"What now?" asked Donnelly.
"Mr. Maul refuses to speak to me, sir, because I won't let him do the announcements
anymore."
"Is that true, Jason?" asked Donnelly annoyed.
"Si sefior."
"Well cut*it out. Work with Larson or get out of this school!" yelled PUft, viens
bulging.
"Si sefTor."

Meanwhile, In the staffroom...

It walked across through the usual mayhem and smoke of the staff room to sit on a
couch by the corner.
"Hi, Millie" said a teacher, "Hello, Mrs. Canton," said another.
But this was not the widely adored, happy-go-lucky Geometry and Chemistry teacher,
Mrs. Canton. It was something else.
GET READY. NEXT ISSUE: INVASION OF THE TEAOHER-SNATCHERS!
But until then,,.

Will Puff Donnelly learn the names of his staff members?

Will Mr. Larson ever get back on speaking terms with Mr. Maul?
Will Mrs, Canton be able to defeat her evil twin?
Will J.C. MacDonough get some new Jokes???

Our story begins in of all places, the men's room at the Charlottetown Mall. Here we
find the Siam & Siam Detective Agency run by that dynamic duo Rick and A.J. Siam. Rick,
a 35-year-old black Jew and his 32-year-old Siamese twin brother A. J., who happens to
be Oriental, patiently await their first case.
"When in the hI ate we going to get a case?" Rick screamed. "I'm tired of sitting
here with you. You're boring, you smell, and worst of all, you're not Jewish!"
"Don't blame me," A.J. retorted, "I can't help it if our mother was Irish and our
father was Newfish and, by the way, the smell you mentioned: it isn't me."
"On," Rick mumbled. "I'm sorry. It was me. I forgot to wash again this year."
"Like every other year," A.J. remarked. "Why can't you be like me. I shower each
day. Sometimes I think you forget we're connected at the hip."
"Oh, I remember," Rick said defensively. "Ah... Where did you say that was again?"
"Never mind, and DON'T go looking either. I hear someone coming."
"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Rick whispered excitedly.
"What do you mean, 'Are you thinking what I'm thinking?'? We're connected at the
hip, stupid!"
Just as Rick was about to say that he hadn't forgotten whatever it was he had
forgotten, the washroom door opened and in walked a rather heavy-set man. His face was
flushed and it appeared that he was running for some time.
"Welcome to the Siam & Siam Detective Agency," A.J. said proudly. "Hi, I'm A.J. and
this is my brother Rick. What seems to be the problem? Murder? Civil dispute? Rape? No,
scratch that, you're too ugly. Well, what seems to be the problem?"
"I NEED TO USE THE TOILET!" screamed the man.
"Don't let us stop you," Rick said calmly.
"YOU'RE SITTING ON IT!" screamed the desperate man.
"Oh, sorry," muttered Rick and A.J. simultaneously.
After they had moved and the man had come and gone swearing under his breath, a
knock at the coor was heard.
"What was that," Rick muttered.
"A knock," A.J. retorted.
"Who's thece?" Rick asked.
"I don't know!"
"What kind of knock knock joke is that?"
A.J. looked at his brother wondering which side of the family Rick was from. "He
must be from mother's side," A.J. thought. "Uncle Yuri once had an absent-minded dog,
or was that his wife? I never could tell the difference."
The knock was repeated and A.J. came to his senses. "Coming," A.J. called while
opening the door. In walked a gorgeous blond in her early twenties.
"Wow!" A.J. whispered. "What a knockout. She's nothing like those critters that
scrub our toilet bowl."
"Don't talk of our mother that way!" Rick whispered angrily. Mellowing he asked, "I
wonder if she's Jewish?"
A.J. spoke up. "Welcome to the Siam & Siam Detective Agency. I'm A.J. and this is my
Siamese brother Rick. Have a seat."
"No, I'd rather stand," replied the lady (soon not to be a lady if she makes walking
into men's rooms a habit).
"Well, what can we do for you?" A.J. asked.
"I'm Amanda Jones and I suspect my husband to be fooling around with my sister.
Everytime he goes on a trip, she suddenly disapears," the lady said.
"I see," A.J. muttered. "Do you also see the connection, Rick?"
"At the hip, right?" Rick replied.
"Noooo!" A.J. yelled. "The case, the case!"
"Oh yes, the case," Rick said. "Mrs. Jones, how do you feel about Bar Mitzvahs? I'm
having one tomorrow."
"Never fflind about that," A,J. interjected. "Helping Mrs. Jones with her problem is
more important. By the way, Mrs. Jones, how do you feel about Chinese food?"
"Oh, I don't know," she replied uncomfortably.
"Sorry about that," A.J. said, "Most unprofessional of me, wasn't it? How cb you
feel about Italian food? Hen hen. A little joke to ease the tension - I see it didn't.
What do you want us to do?"
"I want you to get proof that my husband is fooling around with my sister as fast as
possible. I believe they are planning my murder."
"You don't need a detective. You need me for a bodyguard," Rick interjected.

"what about A.J.?" Mrs. Jones inquired?

"Oh, he can stay at home. We don't need him."
"1 think you do," Mrs. Jones muttered.
"You're right," Rick said. "Who else is ging to get the Chinese food for
half-price?"
"Hold it," A.J. said. "Now, on to matters at hand. Could you give us your address,
Mrs. Jones, and we'll get right on the case?"
Mrs. Jones gave the her address and turned toleave. Suddenly, she turned around.
"What is this going to cost?"
"$25 a day plus expenses. Those include the Chinese food," A.J. replied.
"You guys are cheap," she said. "Do a good job and I'll give you a bonus." With
that she left.
"The gall of her calling us cheap. We weren't the ones who conducted business in a
men's room," Rick said angrily. "Hussy!"
"No, we just live here," A.J. remarked sarcasticaly and then mellowed. "I wonder
what our bonus will be?"
"Sounds kinky!" Rick stated enthusiastically.
Later that evening at the Joneses' residence, Rick and A.J. were attempting to enter
the house and get some candid photos of Mr. Jones and his sister. Rick was picking the
lock.
"Hurry up, will you, before we get c3Ught?H A.J. whispered impatiently.
"Oh, I can't do it!" Rick said giving up. "You try it."
A.J. grasped the knob. It turned easily. "It was open you fool!" he whispered
hoarsely. "Come on!"
The Siamese twin duo hobbled into the house which was unusually dark for that time
of night.
"I should have brought a flashlight," A.J. muttered remorsefully. "I can't see a
thing."
"I forgot the flashbulbs for the camera so don't worry about it," Rick said. "Turn
on a light."
A.J. looked at his brother and then to the sky. "Please God, give me strength!"
"Turn on a light stupid." Rick said again.
"No, stupid they'll see us."
"They're too busy."
Sjddenly a light turned on.
"I guess they're not so busy after all," Rick saia.
"Shut Up and hide!" A.J. ordered.
In the excitement, the tw headed in opposite directions causing extreme pain and
resulting in their falling in a heap on the floor.
"Who in hI you?" a voice demanded.
"The A-TEAM!" Rick cried as he and A.J. stuggled to their feet.
A.J. looked at Rick mystified.
"I always wanted to do that," Rick mumbled returning the glance. Then they turned
their attention to the speaker, a massive man in his early forties, who just happenned
to be carrying a .44 magnum,
"Raise your hands!" barked the man. "Oh second thought, don't. I can't stand the
smell." he headed towards them, gun pointed at their chests. "Now, who are you?"
"We're building inspectors and we've come to check your pipes," A.J. said calmly.
"Now if you'll show us to your bathroom."
"Hold it!" the man yelled. "Your that two-brained idiot detective that my wife hired
to find proof that I was cheating on her with her sister."
"How did you know?" rick asked.
"Shut up you fool!" A.J. muttered.
"I followed her, that's how." answered Mr. Jones.
"Oh, that's sick!" Rick said. "You followed your Wife into a men's room. That is
really sick!"
"Shut up, fool!" A.J. screamed again in his best Mr. T voice, "We're in enough
trouble already."
"Oh, I don't mind," Mr. Jones said maliciously. "You'll never live to tell anyone
about It."
Rick and A.J. exchanged meaningful glances,

Will Mr. Jones kill Rick and A.J,? (If he does it will screw the sequel.)
Will Rick and A.J. escape? (If they do, the world will never be the same.)
And most importantly, Will Rick make it to his Bar Mitzvah???

Editor-in-chief
Associate

SUby
editor

Staff

contributors

Staff

advisor

Gupta

James
Susan

J.

B.

Connolly
Arbing
Stephen "Clowd" Clow
James Connolly
Sebastian Derry
Wendy MacLean
Elizabeth McNally
Danny Mullen
David Palmer
MacDonald

T7a^? 4&cZ7n& o Lag- 4S-toir"5>

T h i s i s t h e s t o r y a b o u t f o u r p e o p l e n a m e d S o m e b o d y, E v e r y b o d y,
A n y b o d y, a n d N o b o d y, T h e r e w a s a n i m p o r t a n t j o b t o b e d o n e . E v e r y b o d y w a s
sure that somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody
did it, Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody's job.
Everybody thought that anybody could do It, but Nobody realized that
E v e r y b o d y w o u l d n ' t d o i t . I t e n d e d u p t h a t E v e r y b o d y b l a m e d S o m e b o d y, a n d
Nobody did what Anybody could have done.
ANY OPINION EXPRESSED IN THIS ISSUE OF THE READER'S DIGRESS IS NOT NECESSARILY THAT
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