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TheSystemofDoctorTarrandProfessorFetherbyEdgarAllanPoe@ClassicReader

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DURINGtheautumnof18,whileonatourthroughtheextremesouthernprovincesofFrance,myroute
led me within a few miles of a certain Maison de Sante or private madhouse, about which I had heard
muchinParisfrommymedicalfriends.AsIhadnevervisitedaplaceofthekind,Ithoughttheopportunity
too good to be lost and so proposed to my travelling companion (a gentleman with whom I had made
casualacquaintanceafewdaysbefore)thatweshouldturnaside,foranhourorso,andlookthroughthe
establishment.Tothisheobjectedpleadinghasteinthefirstplace,and,inthesecond,averyusualhorror
atthesightofalunatic.Hebeggedme,however,nottoletanymerecourtesytowardshimselfinterferewith
the gratification of my curiosity, and said that he would ride on leisurely, so that I might overtake him
duringtheday,or,atallevents,duringthenext.Ashebademegoodbye,Ibethoughtmethattheremight
be some difficulty in obtaining access to the premises, and mentioned my fears on this point. He replied
that,infact,unlessIhadpersonalknowledgeofthesuperintendent,MonsieurMaillard,orsomecredential
inthewayofaletter,adifficultymightbefoundtoexist,astheregulationsoftheseprivatemadhouses
weremorerigidthanthepublichospitallaws.Forhimself,headded,hehad,someyearssince,madethe
acquaintanceofMaillard,andwouldsofarassistmeastorideuptothedoorandintroducemealthough
hisfeelingsonthesubjectoflunacywouldnotpermitofhisenteringthehouse.
Ithankedhim,and,turningfromthemainroad,weenteredagrassgrownbypath,which,inhalfanhour,
nearlylostitselfinadenseforest,clothingthebaseofamountain.Throughthisdankandgloomywoodwe
rodesometwomiles,whentheMaisondeSantecameinview.Itwasafantasticchateau,muchdilapidated,
and indeed scarcely tenantable through age and neglect. Its aspect inspired me with absolute dread, and,
checking my horse, I half resolved to turn back. I soon, however, grew ashamed of my weakness, and
proceeded.
Aswerodeuptothegateway,Iperceiveditslightlyopen,andthevisageofamanpeeringthrough.Inan
instantafterward,thismancameforth,accostedmycompanionbyname,shookhimcordiallybythehand,
andbeggedhimtoalight.ItwasMonsieurMaillardhimself.Hewasaportly,finelookinggentlemanofthe
old school, with a polished manner, and a certain air of gravity, dignity, and authority which was very
impressive.
Myfriend,havingpresentedme,mentionedmydesiretoinspecttheestablishment,andreceivedMonsieur
Maillard'sassurancethathewouldshowmeallattention,nowtookleave,andIsawhimnomore.
When he had gone, the superintendent ushered me into a small and exceedingly neat parlor, containing,
amongotherindicationsofrefinedtaste,manybooks,drawings,potsofflowers,andmusicalinstruments.
A cheerful fire blazed upon the hearth. At a piano, singing an aria from Bellini, sat a young and very
beautiful woman, who, at my entrance, paused in her song, and received me with graceful courtesy. Her
voicewaslow,andherwholemannersubdued.Ithought,too,thatIperceivedthetracesofsorrowinher
countenance,whichwasexcessively,althoughtomytaste,notunpleasingly,pale.Shewasattiredindeep
mourning,andexcitedinmybosomafeelingofmingledrespect,interest,andadmiration.
Ihadheard,atParis,thattheinstitutionofMonsieurMaillardwasmanageduponwhatisvulgarlytermed
the"systemofsoothing"thatallpunishmentswereavoidedthatevenconfinementwasseldomresorted
tothatthepatients,whilesecretlywatched,wereleftmuchapparentliberty,andthatmostofthemwere
permittedtoroamaboutthehouseandgroundsintheordinaryapparelofpersonsinrightmind.
Keepingtheseimpressionsinview,IwascautiousinwhatIsaidbeforetheyoungladyforIcouldnotbe

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surethatshewassaneand,infact,therewasacertainrestlessbrilliancyabouthereyeswhichhalfledme
toimagineshewasnot.Iconfinedmyremarks,therefore,togeneraltopics,andtosuchasIthoughtwould
notbedispleasingorexcitingeventoalunatic.SherepliedinaperfectlyrationalmannertoallthatIsaid
andevenheroriginalobservationsweremarkedwiththesoundestgoodsense,butalongacquaintancewith
the metaphysics of mania, had taught me to put no faith in such evidence of sanity, and I continued to
practise,throughouttheinterview,thecautionwithwhichIcommencedit.
Presentlyasmartfootmaninliverybroughtinatraywithfruit,wine,andotherrefreshments,ofwhichI
partook,theladysoonafterwardleavingtheroom.AsshedepartedIturnedmyeyesinaninquiringmanner
towardmyhost.
"No,"hesaid,"oh,noamemberofmyfamilymyniece,andamostaccomplishedwoman."
"Ibegathousandpardonsforthesuspicion,"Ireplied,"butofcourseyouwillknowhowtoexcuseme.The
excellentadministrationofyouraffairshereiswellunderstoodinParis,andIthoughtitjustpossible,you
know
"Yes, yes say no more or rather it is myself who should thank you for the
commendableprudenceyouhavedisplayed.Weseldomfindsomuchofforethoughtin
young men and, more than once, some unhappy contretemps has occurred in
consequenceofthoughtlessnessonthepartofourvisitors.Whilemyformersystemwas
inoperation,andmypatientswerepermittedtheprivilegeofroamingtoandfroatwill,
they were often aroused to a dangerous frenzy by injudicious persons who called to
inspectthehouse.HenceIwasobligedtoenforcearigidsystemofexclusionandnone
obtainedaccesstothepremisesuponwhosediscretionIcouldnotrely."
"While your former system was in operation!" I said, repeating his words "do I
understandyou,then,tosaythatthe'soothingsystem'ofwhichIhaveheardsomuchis
nolongerinforce?"
"Itisnow,"hereplied,"severalweekssincewehaveconcludedtorenounceitforever."
"Indeed!youastonishme!"
"Wefoundit,sir,"hesaid,withasigh,"absolutelynecessarytoreturntotheoldusages.
Thedangerofthesoothingsystemwas,atalltimes,appallinganditsadvantageshave
beenmuchoverrated.Ibelieve,sir,thatinthishouseithasbeengivenafairtrial,ifever
in any. We did every thing that rational humanity could suggest. I am sorry that you
could not have paid us a visit at an earlier period, that you might have judged for
yourself.ButIpresumeyouareconversantwiththesoothingpracticewithitsdetails."
"Notaltogether.WhatIhaveheardhasbeenatthirdorfourthhand."
"I may state the system, then, in general terms, as one in which the patients were
menageshumored.Wecontradictednofancieswhichenteredthebrainsofthemad.On
the contrary, we not only indulged but encouraged them and many of our most
permanent cures have been thus effected. There is no argument which so touches the
feeble reason of the madman as the argumentum ad absurdum. We have had men, for
example,whofanciedthemselveschickens.Thecurewas,toinsistuponthethingasafacttoaccusethe
patientofstupidityinnotsufficientlyperceivingittobeafactandthustorefusehimanyotherdietfora
weekthanthatwhichproperlyappertainstoachicken.Inthismanneralittlecornandgravelweremadeto
performwonders."
"Butwasthisspeciesofacquiescenceall?"
"By no means. We put much faith in amusements of a simple kind, such as music, dancing, gymnastic
exercisesgenerally,cards,certainclassesofbooks,andsoforth.Weaffectedtotreateachindividualasif
forsomeordinaryphysicaldisorder,andtheword'lunacy'wasneveremployed.Agreatpointwastoset
eachlunatictoguardtheactionsofalltheothers.Toreposeconfidenceintheunderstandingordiscretionof
amadman,istogainhimbodyandsoul.Inthiswaywewereenabledtodispensewithanexpensivebody
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ofkeepers."
"Andyouhadnopunishmentsofanykind?"
"None."
"Andyouneverconfinedyourpatients?"
"Veryrarely.Nowandthen,themaladyofsomeindividualgrowingtoacrisis,ortakingasuddenturnof
fury,weconveyedhimtoasecretcell,lesthisdisordershouldinfecttherest,andtherekepthimuntilwe
coulddismisshimtohisfriendsforwiththeragingmaniacwehavenothingtodo.Heisusuallyremoved
tothepublichospitals."
"Andyouhavenowchangedallthisandyouthinkforthebetter?"
"Decidedly.Thesystemhaditsdisadvantages,andevenitsdangers.Itisnow,happily,explodedthroughout
alltheMaisonsdeSanteofFrance."
"I am very much surprised," I said, "at what you tell me for I made sure that, at this moment, no other
methodoftreatmentformaniaexistedinanyportionofthecountry."
"Youareyoungyet,myfriend,"repliedmyhost,"butthetimewillarrivewhenyouwilllearntojudgefor
yourselfofwhatisgoingonintheworld,withouttrustingtothegossipofothers.Believenothingyouhear,
andonlyonehalfthatyousee.NowaboutourMaisonsdeSante,itisclearthatsomeignoramushasmisled
you.Afterdinner,however,whenyouhavesufficientlyrecoveredfromthefatigueofyourride,Iwillbe
happytotakeyouoverthehouse,andintroducetoyouasystemwhich,inmyopinion,andinthatofevery
onewhohaswitnesseditsoperation,isincomparablythemosteffectualasyetdevised."
"Yourown?"Iinquired"oneofyourowninvention?"
"Iamproud,"hereplied,"toacknowledgethatitisatleastinsomemeasure."
In this manner I conversed with Monsieur Maillard for an hour or two, during which he showed me the
gardensandconservatoriesoftheplace.
"Icannotletyouseemypatients,"hesaid,"justatpresent.Toasensitivemindthereisalwaysmoreorless
oftheshockinginsuchexhibitionsandIdonotwishtospoilyourappetitefordinner.Wewilldine.Ican
give you some veal a la Menehoult, with cauliflowers in veloute sauce after that a glass of Clos de
Vougeotthenyournerveswillbesufficientlysteadied."
At six, dinner was announced and my host conducted me into a large salle a manger, where a very
numerouscompanywereassembledtwentyfiveorthirtyinall.Theywere,apparently,peopleofrank
certainly of high breeding although their habiliments, I thought, were extravagantly rich, partaking
somewhattoomuchoftheostentatiousfineryoftheviellecour.Inoticedthatatleasttwothirdsofthese
guestswereladiesandsomeofthelatterwerebynomeansaccoutredinwhataParisianwouldconsider
goodtasteatthepresentday.Manyfemales,forexample,whoseagecouldnothavebeenlessthanseventy
werebedeckedwithaprofusionofjewelry,suchasrings,bracelets,andearrings,andworetheirbosoms
andarmsshamefullybare.Iobserved,too,thatveryfewofthedresseswerewellmadeor,atleast,that
veryfewofthemfittedthewearers.Inlookingabout,IdiscoveredtheinterestinggirltowhomMonsieur
Maillard had presented me in the little parlor but my surprise was great to see her wearing a hoop and
farthingale,withhighheeledshoes,andadirtycapofBrusselslace,somuchtoolargeforherthatitgave
herfacearidiculouslydiminutiveexpression.WhenIhadfirstseenher,shewasattired,mostbecomingly,
indeepmourning.Therewasanairofoddity,inshort,aboutthedressofthewholeparty,which,atfirst,
causedmetorecurtomyoriginalideaofthe"soothingsystem,"andtofancythatMonsieurMaillardhad
beenwillingtodeceivemeuntilafterdinner,thatImightexperiencenouncomfortablefeelingsduringthe
repast, at finding myself dining with lunatics but I remembered having been informed, in Paris, that the
southern provincialists were a peculiarly eccentric people, with a vast number of antiquated notions and
then,too,uponconversingwithseveralmembersofthecompany,myapprehensionswereimmediatelyand
fullydispelled.

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Thediningroomitself,althoughperhapssufficientlycomfortableandofgooddimensions,hadnothingtoo
muchofeleganceaboutit.Forexample,thefloorwasuncarpetedinFrance,however,acarpetisfrequently
dispensedwith.Thewindows,too,werewithoutcurtainstheshutters,beingshut,weresecurelyfastened
with iron bars, applied diagonally, after the fashion of our ordinary shopshutters. The apartment, I
observed, formed, in itself, a wing of the chateau, and thus the windows were on three sides of the
parallelogram,thedoorbeingattheother.Therewerenolessthantenwindowsinall.
The table was superbly set out. It was loaded with plate, and more than loaded with delicacies. The
profusionwasabsolutelybarbaric.ThereweremeatsenoughtohavefeastedtheAnakim.Never,inallmy
life, had I witnessed so lavish, so wasteful an expenditure of the good things of life. There seemed very
littletaste,however,inthearrangementsandmyeyes,accustomedtoquietlights,weresadlyoffendedby
the prodigious glare of a multitude of wax candles, which, in silver candelabra, were deposited upon the
table,andallabouttheroom,whereveritwaspossibletofindaplace.Therewereseveralactiveservantsin
attendanceand,uponalargetable,atthefartherendoftheapartment,wereseatedsevenoreightpeople
withfiddles,fifes,trombones,andadrum.Thesefellowsannoyedmeverymuch,atintervals,duringthe
repast,byaninfinitevarietyofnoises,whichwereintendedformusic,andwhichappearedtoaffordmuch
entertainmenttoallpresent,withtheexceptionofmyself.
Uponthewhole,IcouldnothelpthinkingthattherewasmuchofthebizarreabouteverythingIsawbut
thentheworldismadeupofallkindsofpersons,withallmodesofthought,andallsortsofconventional
customs.Ihadtravelled,too,somuch,astobequiteanadeptattheniladmirarisoItookmyseatvery
coolly at the right hand of my host, and, having an excellent appetite, did justice to the good cheer set
beforeme.
Theconversation,inthemeantime,wasspiritedandgeneral.Theladies,asusual,talkedagreatdeal.Isoon
foundthatnearlyallthecompanywerewelleducatedandmyhostwasaworldofgoodhumoredanecdote
inhimself.HeseemedquitewillingtospeakofhispositionassuperintendentofaMaisondeSanteand,
indeed,thetopicoflunacywas,muchtomysurprise,afavoriteonewithallpresent.Agreatmanyamusing
storiesweretold,havingreferencetothewhimsofthepatients.
"We had a fellow here once," said a fat little gentleman, who sat at my right, "a fellow that fancied
himselfateapotandbytheway,isitnotespeciallysingularhowoftenthisparticularcrotchethasentered
thebrainofthelunatic?ThereisscarcelyaninsaneasyluminFrancewhichcannotsupplyahumanteapot.
Our gentleman was a Britannia ware teapot, and was careful to polish himself every morning with
buckskinandwhiting."
"Andthen,"saidatallmanjustopposite,"wehadhere,notlongago,apersonwhohadtakenitintohis
head that he was a donkey which allegorically speaking, you will say, was quite true. He was a
troublesome patient and we had much ado to keep him within bounds. For a long time he would eat
nothingbutthistlesbutofthisideawesooncuredhimbyinsistinguponhiseatingnothingelse.Thenhe
wasperpetuallykickingouthisheelssoso"
"Mr. De Kock! I will thank you to behave yourself!" here interrupted an old lady, who sat next to the
speaker."Pleasekeepyourfeettoyourself!Youhavespoiledmybrocade!Isitnecessary,pray,toillustrate
a remark in so practical a style? Our friend here can surely comprehend you without all this. Upon my
word, you are nearly as great a donkey as the poor unfortunate imagined himself. Your acting is very
natural,asIlive."
"Millepardons!Ma'm'selle!"repliedMonsieurDeKock,thusaddressed"athousandpardons!Ihadno
intentionofoffending.Ma'm'selleLaplaceMonsieurDeKockwilldohimselfthehonoroftakingwine
withyou."
HereMonsieurDeKockbowedlow,kissedhishandwithmuchceremony,andtookwinewithMa'm'selle
Laplace.
"Allowme,monami,"nowsaidMonsieurMaillard,addressingmyself,"allowmetosendyouamorselof
thisvealalaSt.Menhoultyouwillfinditparticularlyfine."
Atthisinstantthreesturdywaitershadjustsucceededindepositingsafelyuponthetableanenormousdish,
or trencher, containing what I supposed to be the "monstrum horrendum, informe, ingens, cui lumen
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ademptum." A closer scrutiny assured me, however, that it was only a small calf roasted whole, and set
uponitsknees,withanappleinitsmouth,asistheEnglishfashionofdressingahare.
"Thankyou,no,"Ireplied"tosaythetruth,IamnotparticularlypartialtovealalaSt.whatisit?forI
donotfindthatitaltogetheragreeswithme.Iwillchangemyplate,however,andtrysomeoftherabbit."
Therewereseveralsidedishesonthetable,containingwhatappearedtobetheordinaryFrenchrabbita
verydeliciousmorceau,whichIcanrecommend.
"Pierre,"criedthehost,"changethisgentleman'splate,andgivehimasidepieceofthisrabbitauchat."
"Thiswhat?"saidI.
"Thisrabbitauchat."
"Why,thankyouuponsecondthoughts,no.Iwilljusthelpmyselftosomeoftheham."
Thereisnoknowingwhatoneeats,thoughtItomyself,atthetablesofthesepeopleoftheprovince.Iwill
havenoneoftheirrabbitauchatand,forthematterofthat,noneoftheircataurabbiteither.
"And then," said a cadaverous looking personage, near the foot of the table, taking up the thread of the
conversationwhereithadbeenbrokenoff,"andthen,amongotheroddities,wehadapatient,onceupon
atime,whoverypertinaciouslymaintainedhimselftobeaCordovacheese,andwentabout,withaknifein
hishand,solicitinghisfriendstotryasmallslicefromthemiddleofhisleg."
"He was a great fool, beyond doubt," interposed some one, "but not to be compared with a certain
individual whom we all know, with the exception of this strange gentleman. I mean the man who took
himselfforabottleofchampagne,andalwayswentoffwithapopandafizz,inthisfashion."
Herethespeaker,veryrudely,asIthought,puthisrightthumbinhisleftcheek,withdrewitwithasound
resemblingthepoppingofacork,andthen,byadexterousmovementofthetongueupontheteeth,created
a sharp hissing and fizzing, which lasted for several minutes, in imitation of the frothing of champagne.
Thisbehavior,Isawplainly,wasnotverypleasingtoMonsieurMaillardbutthatgentlemansaidnothing,
andtheconversationwasresumedbyaveryleanlittlemaninabigwig.
"And then there was an ignoramus," said he, "who mistook himself for a frog, which, by the way, he
resembledinnolittledegree.Iwishyoucouldhaveseenhim,sir,"herethespeakeraddressedmyself
"itwouldhavedoneyourheartgoodtoseethenaturalairsthatheputon.Sir,ifthatmanwasnotafrog,I
canonlyobservethatitisapityhewasnot.Hiscroakthusooooghoooogh!wasthefinestnote
intheworldBflatandwhenheputhiselbowsuponthetablethusaftertakingaglassortwoofwine
anddistendedhismouth,thus,androlleduphiseyes,thus,andwinkedthemwithexcessiverapidity,thus,
whythen,sir,Itakeituponmyselftosay,positively,thatyouwouldhavebeenlostinadmirationofthe
geniusoftheman."
"Ihavenodoubtofit,"Isaid.
"Andthen,"saidsomebodyelse,"thentherewasPetitGaillard,whothoughthimselfapinchofsnuff,and
wastrulydistressedbecausehecouldnottakehimselfbetweenhisownfingerandthumb."
"AndthentherewasJulesDesoulieres,whowasaverysingulargenius,indeed,andwentmadwiththeidea
that he was a pumpkin. He persecuted the cook to make him up into pies a thing which the cook
indignantlyrefusedtodo.Formypart,IambynomeanssurethatapumpkinpiealaDesouliereswould
nothavebeenverycapitaleatingindeed!"
"Youastonishme!"saidIandIlookedinquisitivelyatMonsieurMaillard.
"Ha!ha!ha!"saidthatgentleman"he!he!he!hi!hi!hi!ho!ho!ho!hu!hu!hu!hu!verygood
indeed!Youmustnotbeastonished,monamiourfriendhereisawitadroleyoumustnotunderstand
himtotheletter."
"Andthen,"saidsomeotheroneoftheparty,"thentherewasBouffonLeGrandanotherextraordinary
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personageinhisway.Hegrewderangedthroughlove,andfanciedhimselfpossessedoftwoheads.Oneof
thesehemaintainedtobetheheadofCicerotheotherheimaginedacompositeone,beingDemosthenes'
from the top of the forehead to the mouth, and Lord Brougham's from the mouth to the chin. It is not
impossiblethathewaswrongbuthewouldhaveconvincedyouofhisbeingintherightforhewasaman
ofgreateloquence.Hehadanabsolutepassionfororatory,andcouldnotrefrainfromdisplay.Forexample,
heusedtoleapuponthedinnertablethus,andand"
Hereafriend,atthesideofthespeaker,putahanduponhisshoulderandwhisperedafewwordsinhisear,
uponwhichheceasedtalkingwithgreatsuddenness,andsankbackwithinhischair.
"Andthen,"saidthefriendwhohadwhispered,"therewasBoullard,theteetotum.Icallhimtheteetotum
because, in fact, he was seized with the droll but not altogether irrational crotchet, that he had been
converted into a teetotum. You would have roared with laughter to see him spin. He would turn round
upononeheelbythehour,inthismannerso
Herethefriendwhomhehadjustinterruptedbyawhisper,performedanexactlysimilarofficeforhimself.
"Butthen,"criedtheoldlady,atthetopofhervoice,"yourMonsieurBoullardwasamadman,andavery
sillymadmanatbestforwho,allowmetoaskyou,everheardofahumanteetotum?Thethingisabsurd.
Madame Joyeuse was a more sensible person, as you know. She had a crotchet, but it was instinct with
commonsense,andgavepleasuretoallwhohadthehonorofheracquaintance.Shefound,uponmature
deliberation, that, by some accident, she had been turned into a chickencock but, as such, she behaved
with propriety. She flapped her wings with prodigious effect so so and, as for her crow, it was
delicious!Cockadoodledoo!cockadoodledoo!cockadoodlededoodooodooooooo!"
"MadameJoyeuse,Iwillthankyoutobehaveyourself!"hereinterruptedourhost,veryangrily."Youcan
eitherconductyourselfasaladyshoulddo,oryoucanquitthetableforthwithtakeyourchoice."
The lady (whom I was much astonished to hear addressed as Madame Joyeuse, after the description of
MadameJoyeuseshehadjustgiven)blusheduptotheeyebrows,andseemedexceedinglyabashedatthe
reproof.Shehungdownherhead,andsaidnotasyllableinreply.Butanotherandyoungerladyresumed
thetheme.Itwasmybeautifulgirlofthelittleparlor.
"Oh,MadameJoyeusewasafool!"sheexclaimed,"buttherewasreallymuchsoundsense,afterall,inthe
opinionofEugenieSalsafette.Shewasaverybeautifulandpainfullymodestyounglady,whothoughtthe
ordinary mode of habiliment indecent, and wished to dress herself, always, by getting outside instead of
insideofherclothes.Itisathingveryeasilydone,afterall.Youhaveonlytodosoandthensososo
andthensososoandthensosoandthen
"Mondieu!Ma'm'selleSalsafette!"herecriedadozenvoicesatonce."Whatareyouabout?forbear!
thatissufficient!wesee,veryplainly,howitisdone!hold!hold!"andseveralpersonswerealready
leapingfromtheirseatstowithholdMa'm'selleSalsafettefromputtingherselfuponaparwiththeMedicean
Venus, when the point was very effectually and suddenly accomplished by a series of loud screams, or
yells,fromsomeportionofthemainbodyofthechateau.
My nerves were very much affected, indeed, by these yells but the rest of the company I really pitied. I
never saw any set of reasonable people so thoroughly frightened in my life. They all grew as pale as so
manycorpses,and,shrinkingwithintheirseats,satquiveringandgibberingwithterror,andlisteningfora
repetitionofthesound.Itcameagainlouderandseeminglynearerandthenathirdtimeveryloud,and
thenafourthtimewithavigorevidentlydiminished.Atthisapparentdyingawayofthenoise,thespiritsof
thecompanywereimmediatelyregained,andallwaslifeandanecdoteasbefore.Inowventuredtoinquire
thecauseofthedisturbance.
"Amerebagtelle,"saidMonsieurMaillard."Weareusedtothesethings,andcarereallyverylittleabout
them.Thelunatics,everynowandthen,getupahowlinconcertonestartinganother,asissometimesthe
casewithabevyofdogsatnight.Itoccasionallyhappens,however,thattheconcertoyellsaresucceededby
asimultaneouseffortatbreakingloose,when,ofcourse,somelittledangeristobeapprehended."
"Andhowmanyhaveyouincharge?"
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"Atpresentwehavenotmorethanten,altogether."
"Principallyfemales,Ipresume?"
"Oh,noeveryoneofthemmen,andstoutfellows,too,Icantellyou."
"Indeed!Ihavealwaysunderstoodthatthemajorityoflunaticswereofthegentlersex."
"Itisgenerallyso,butnotalways.Sometimeago,therewereabouttwentysevenpatientshereand,ofthat
number,nolessthaneighteenwerewomenbut,lately,mattershavechangedverymuch,asyousee."
"Yeshavechangedverymuch,asyousee,"hereinterruptedthegentlemanwhohadbrokentheshinsof
Ma'm'selleLaplace.
"Yeshavechangedverymuch,asyousee!"chimedinthewholecompanyatonce.
"Hold your tongues, every one of you!" said my host, in a great rage. Whereupon the whole company
maintainedadeadsilencefornearlyaminute.Asforonelady,sheobeyedMonsieurMaillardtotheletter,
andthrustingouthertongue,whichwasanexcessivelylongone,helditveryresignedly,withbothhands,
untiltheendoftheentertainment.
"And this gentlewoman," said I, to Monsieur Maillard, bending over and addressing him in a whisper
"this good lady who has just spoken, and who gives us the cockadoodlededoo she, I presume, is
harmlessquiteharmless,eh?"
"Harmless!"ejaculatedhe,inunfeignedsurprise,"whywhy,whatcanyoumean?"
"Only slightly touched?" said I, touching my head. "I take it for granted that she is not particularly not
dangerouslyaffected,eh?"
"Mondieu!whatisityouimagine?Thislady,myparticularoldfriendMadameJoyeuse,isasabsolutely
saneasmyself.Shehasherlittleeccentricities,tobesurebutthen,youknow,alloldwomenallvery
oldwomenaremoreorlesseccentric!"
"Tobesure,"saidI,"tobesureandthentherestoftheseladiesandgentlemen"
"Aremyfriendsandkeepers,"interuptedMonsieurMaillard,drawinghimselfupwithhauteur,"myvery
goodfriendsandassistants."
"What!allofthem?"Iasked,"thewomenandall?"
"Assuredly,"hesaid,"wecouldnotdoatallwithoutthewomentheyarethebestlunaticnursesinthe
worldtheyhaveawayoftheirown,youknowtheirbrighteyeshaveamarvellouseffectsomething
likethefascinationofthesnake,youknow."
"Tobesure,"saidI,"tobesure!Theybehavealittleodd,eh?theyarealittlequeer,eh?don'tyou
thinkso?"
"Odd!queer!why,doyoureallythinkso?Wearenotveryprudish,tobesure,hereintheSouthdo
prettymuchaswepleaseenjoylife,andallthatsortofthing,youknow"
"Tobesure,"saidI,"tobesure."
Andthen,perhaps,thisClosdeVougeotisalittleheady,youknowalittlestrongyouunderstand,eh?"
"Tobesure,"saidI,"tobesure.Bythebye,Monsieur,didIunderstandyoutosaythatthesystemyou
haveadopted,inplaceofthecelebratedsoothingsystem,wasoneofveryrigorousseverity?"
"Bynomeans.Ourconfinementisnecessarilyclosebutthetreatmentthemedicaltreatment,Imeanis
ratheragreeabletothepatientsthanotherwise."
"Andthenewsystemisoneofyourowninvention?"
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"Notaltogether.SomeportionsofitarereferabletoProfessorTarr,ofwhomyouhave,necessarily,heard
and,again,therearemodificationsinmyplanwhichIamhappytoacknowledgeasbelongingofrightto
thecelebratedFether,withwhom,ifImistakenot,youhavethehonorofanintimateacquaintance."
"I am quite ashamed to confess," I replied, "that I have never even heard the names of either gentleman
before."
"Goodheavens!"ejaculatedmyhost,drawingbackhischairabruptly,andupliftinghishands."Isurelydo
nothearyouaright!Youdidnotintendtosay,eh?thatyouhadneverheardeitherofthelearnedDoctor
Tarr,orofthecelebratedProfessorFether?"
"I am forced to acknowledge my ignorance," I replied "but the truth should be held inviolate above all
things. Nevertheless, I feel humbled to the dust, not to be acquainted with the works of these, no doubt,
extraordinarymen.Iwillseekouttheirwritingsforthwith,andperusethemwithdeliberatecare.Monsieur
Maillard,youhavereallyImustconfessityouhavereallymademeashamedofmyself!"
Andthiswasthefact.
"Say no more, my good young friend," he said kindly, pressing my hand, "join me now in a glass of
Sauterne."
Wedrank.Thecompanyfollowedourexamplewithoutstint.Theychattedtheyjestedtheylaughed
theyperpetratedathousandabsurditiesthefiddlesshriekedthedrumrowdedowedthetrombones
bellowedlikesomanybrazenbullsofPhalarisandthewholescene,growinggraduallyworseandworse,
as the wines gained the ascendancy, became at length a sort of pandemonium in petto. In the meantime,
Monsieur Maillard and myself, with some bottles of Sauterne and Vougeot between us, continued our
conversationatthetopofthevoice.Awordspokeninanordinarykeystoodnomorechanceofbeingheard
thanthevoiceofafishfromthebottomofNiagraFalls.
"And,sir,"saidI,screaminginhisear,"youmentionedsomethingbeforedinneraboutthedangerincurred
intheoldsystemofsoothing.Howisthat?"
"Yes," he replied, "there was, occasionally, very great danger indeed. There is no accounting for the
capricesofmadmenand,inmyopinionaswellasinthatofDr.TarrandProfessorFether,itisneversafe
topermitthemtorunatlargeunattended.Alunaticmaybe'soothed,'asitiscalled,foratime,but,inthe
end,heisveryapttobecomeobstreperous.Hiscunning,too,isproverbialandgreat.Ifhehasaprojectin
view,heconcealshisdesignwithamarvellouswisdomandthedexteritywithwhichhecounterfeitssanity,
presents,tothemetaphysician,oneofthemostsingularproblemsinthestudyofmind.Whenamadman
appearsthoroughlysane,indeed,itishightimetoputhiminastraitjacket."
"Butthedanger,mydearsir,ofwhichyouwerespeaking,inyourownexperienceduringyourcontrolof
thishousehaveyouhadpracticalreasontothinklibertyhazardousinthecaseofalunatic?"
"Here?inmyownexperience?why,Imaysay,yes.Forexample:noverylongwhileago,asingular
circumstanceoccurredinthisveryhouse.The'soothingsystem,'youknow,wastheninoperation,andthe
patients were at large. They behaved remarkably wellespecially so, any one of sense might have known
thatsomedevilishschemewasbrewingfromthatparticularfact,thatthefellowsbehavedsoremarkably
well.And,sureenough,onefinemorningthekeepersfoundthemselvespinionedhandandfoot,andthrown
intothecells,wheretheywereattended,asiftheywerethelunatics,bythelunaticsthemselves,whohad
usurpedtheofficesofthekeepers."
"Youdon'ttellmeso!Ineverheardofanythingsoabsurdinmylife!"
"Factitallcametopassbymeansofastupidfellowalunaticwho,bysomemeans,hadtakenitinto
his head that he had invented a better system of government than any ever heard of before of lunatic
government,Imean.Hewishedtogivehisinventionatrial,Isuppose,andsohepersuadedtherestofthe
patientstojoinhiminaconspiracyfortheoverthrowofthereigningpowers."
"Andhereallysucceeded?"

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"Nodoubtofit.Thekeepersandkeptweresoonmadetoexchangeplaces.Notthatexactlyeitherforthe
madmenhadbeenfree,butthekeeperswereshutupincellsforthwith,andtreated,Iamsorrytosay,ina
verycavaliermanner."
"But I presume a counterrevolution was soon effected. This condition of things could not have long
existed. The country people in the neighborhoodvisitors coming to see the establishment would have
giventhealarm."
"There you are out. The head rebel was too cunning for that. He admitted no visitors at all with the
exception,oneday,ofaverystupidlookingyounggentlemanofwhomhehadnoreasontobeafraid.He
let him in to see the place just by way of variety, to have a little fun with him. As soon as he had
gammonedhimsufficiently,helethimout,andsenthimabouthisbusiness."
"Andhowlong,then,didthemadmenreign?"
"Oh, a very long time, indeed a month certainly how much longer I can't precisely say. In the
meantime,thelunaticshadajollyseasonofitthatyoumayswear.Theydoffedtheirownshabbyclothes,
andmadefreewiththefamilywardrobeandjewels.Thecellarsofthechateauwerewellstockedwithwine
andthesemadmenarejustthedevilsthatknowhowtodrinkit.Theylivedwell,Icantellyou."
"Andthetreatmentwhatwastheparticularspeciesoftreatmentwhichtheleaderoftherebelsputinto
operation?"
"Why, as for that, a madman is not necessarily a fool, as I have already observed and it is my honest
opinionthathistreatmentwasamuchbettertreatmentthanthatwhichitsuperseded.Itwasaverycapital
systemindeedsimpleneatnotroubleatallinfactitwasdeliciousitwas
Heremyhost'sobservationswerecutshortbyanotherseriesofyells,ofthesamecharacterasthosewhich
had previously disconcerted us. This time, however, they seemed to proceed from persons rapidly
approaching.
"Graciousheavens!"Iejaculated"thelunaticshavemostundoubtedlybrokenloose."
"I very much fear it is so," replied Monsieur Maillard, now becoming excessively pale. He had scarcely
finished the sentence, before loud shouts and imprecations were heard beneath the windows and,
immediatelyafterward,itbecameevidentthatsomepersonsoutsidewereendeavoringtogainentranceinto
theroom.Thedoorwasbeatenwithwhatappearedtobeasledgehammer,andtheshutterswerewrenched
andshakenwithprodigiousviolence.
A scene of the most terrible confusion ensued. Monsieur Maillard, to my excessive astonishment threw
himselfunderthesideboard.Ihadexpectedmoreresolutionathishands.Themembersoftheorchestra,
who,forthelastfifteenminutes,hadbeenseeminglytoomuchintoxicatedtododuty,nowsprangallat
once to their feet and to their instruments, and, scrambling upon their table, broke out, with one accord,
into,"YankeeDoodle,"whichtheyperformed,ifnotexactlyintune,atleastwithanenergysuperhuman,
duringthewholeoftheuproar.
Meantime,uponthemaindiningtable,amongthebottlesandglasses,leapedthegentlemanwho,withsuch
difficulty, had been restrained from leaping there before. As soon as he fairly settled himself, he
commencedanoration,which,nodoubt,wasaverycapitalone,ifitcouldonlyhavebeenheard.Atthe
samemoment,themanwiththeteetotumpredilection,sethimselftospinningaroundtheapartment,with
immenseenergy,andwitharmsoutstretchedatrightangleswithhisbodysothathehadalltheairofatee
totum in fact, and knocked everybody down that happened to get in his way. And now, too, hearing an
incrediblepoppingandfizzingofchampagne,Idiscoveredatlength,thatitproceededfromthepersonwho
performedthebottleofthatdelicatedrinkduringdinner.Andthen,again,thefrogmancroakedawayasif
the salvation of his soul depended upon every note that he uttered. And, in the midst of all this, the
continuousbrayingofadonkeyaroseoverall.Asformyoldfriend,MadameJoyeuse,Ireallycouldhave
wept for the poor lady, she appeared so terribly perplexed. All she did, however, was to stand up in a
corner,bythefireplace,andsingoutincessantlyatthetopofhervoice,"Cockadoodlededooooooh!"
Andnowcametheclimaxthecatastropheofthedrama.Asnoresistance,beyondwhoopingandyelling
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and cockadoodling, was offered to the encroachments of the party without, the ten windows were very
speedily,andalmostsimultaneously,brokenin.ButIshallneverforgettheemotionsofwonderandhorror
with which I gazed, when, leaping through these windows, and down among us pelemele, fighting,
stamping,scratching,andhowling,thererushedaperfectarmyofwhatItooktobeChimpanzees,Ourang
Outangs,orbigblackbaboonsoftheCapeofGoodHope.
IreceivedaterriblebeatingafterwhichIrolledunderasofaandlaystill.Afterlyingtheresomefifteen
minutes,duringwhichtimeIlistenedwithallmyearstowhatwasgoingonintheroom,Icametosame
satisfactory denouement of this tragedy. Monsieur Maillard, it appeared, in giving me the account of the
lunaticwhohadexcitedhisfellowstorebellion,hadbeenmerelyrelatinghisownexploits.Thisgentleman
had,indeed,sometwoorthreeyearsbefore,beenthesuperintendentoftheestablishment,butgrewcrazy
himself,andsobecameapatient.Thisfactwasunknowntothetravellingcompanionwhointroducedme.
The keepers, ten in number, having been suddenly overpowered, were first well tarred, then carefully
feathered, and then shut up in underground cells. They had been so imprisoned for more than a month,
duringwhichperiodMonsieurMaillardhadgenerouslyallowedthemnotonlythetarandfeathers(which
constitutedhis"system"),butsomebreadandabundanceofwater.Thelatterwaspumpedonthemdaily.At
length,oneescapingthroughasewer,gavefreedomtoalltherest.
The"soothingsystem,"withimportantmodifications,hasbeenresumedatthechateauyetIcannothelp
agreeingwithMonsieurMaillard,thathisown"treatment"wasaverycapitaloneofitskind.Ashejustly
observed,itwas"simpleneatandgavenotroubleatallnottheleast."
Ihaveonlytoaddthat,althoughIhavesearchedeverylibraryinEuropefortheworksofDoctorTarrand
ProfessorFether,Ihave,uptothepresentday,utterlyfailedinmyendeavorsatprocuringanedition.

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