REGULAR SHOW

"Mordechai and Rigtea"

Written by
Brad Cook
Michael Kaitis

INT. PARK HOUSE - UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - MORNING

RIGBY fidgets with a piece of gum as he crosses the hall. For
the life of him, he cant get the wrapper off. Then, a
staircase CRASHES to the floor right in front of him.
MORDECAI swaggers down the stairs with a mug, a smug grin,
and a pair of goggles perched on his beak.
RIGBY
Hey! Watch it!
MORDECAI
Sorry, dude. The attics the only
place I can do my experiments.
RIGBY
You almost sqwooshed me over tea??
MORDECAI
Not just any tea.
Mordecai holds the tea up like a newborn baby.
MORDECAI (CONTD)
This... is Mordechai. Try it.
He shoves the mug in Rigbys face.
RIGBY
What? Tea is for dorks! And monks!
MORDECAI
I know, I know. This is for
Margaret. She loves Chai tea.
RIGBY
You know you can buy Chai tea at
the store, right? You didnt have
to spend months making it yourself.
Mordecai forces the mug into Rigbys hand.
MORDECAI
Just try it.
RIGBY
Its not even hot!
MORDECAI
Exactly! Margaret never gets to
enjoy her tea in the morning. It
gets cold while she waits on the
customers.

2.
RIGBY
So... youre giving her cold tea?
MORDECAI
Im giving her cold tea that tastes
GOOD! Its practically a miracle!
RIGBY
Howd you make that?
MORDECAI
With, you know, fire and spices and
stuff.
Mordecai dances impatiently, pointing at the mug, groaning.
RIGBY
Okay, okay! Calm down.
Rigby sips the tea, and for a moment his eyes go wide. But he
downplays it and holds the mug away.
MORDECAI
Its pretty good, right?
RIGBY
(muttering)
Dorks and monks...
MORDECAI
Im gonna go call Margaret!
INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Mordecai and MARGARET relax on the couch, the shifting light
of the TV washing over them in the dark room.
Mordecai clears his throat and scoots closer to her, but
right then a relentless BEEP rings out from the kitchen.
MARGARET
Oh, are you baking cupcakes for
your mom again? How cute!
No, I

MORDECAI

MARGARET
Or is that your robot girlfriend,
since you cant get a real one?
Margaret stifles her laughter, leaning on him playfully.

3.
MORDECAI
Oh, okay, I see. I guess Ill just
give the gift that I spent months
on to somebody else.
MARGARET
NO NO NO! Please! I was kidding.
MORDECAI
I dont know...
MARGARET
Wait, was that my gift in the
microwave? I hope you didnt spend
months on some food.
Mordecai pauses the movie, then heads for the kitchen.
MORDECAI
Remember how you were saying you
never get to enjoy your Chai tea?
Yeah...

MARGARET

Mordecai rounds the corner. A microwave opens and closes.

Ouch!

MORDECAI (O.S.)

MARGARET
You okay in there?
MORDECAI (O.S.)
Im fine! Be there in a sec!
A TINKLING of silverware mixing the contents of a cup rattles
from the other room, then a loud SIP and some more TINKLING.
Margaret taps her foot on the floor.
Mordecai finally emerges from the kitchen holding a steaming
tea cup on a small saucer.
Voila!

MORDECAI (CONTD)

He hands her the cup and saucer.

MARGARET
Oh... Chai tea. Thanks Mordecai.
Mordechai.

MORDECAI

4.
MARGARET
Not sure how it solves my
The steam from the cup reaches her nose. Margarets eyes
light up as she lifts it closer and sniffs hard. She lulls to
one side in ecstasy, then catches herself.
MARGARET (CONTD)
Oh my. That smells nice.
Mordecai wears a surprised smile.
MORDECAI
You think so? The thing is, it
doesnt taste bad when its cold.
So you can drink it at work!
Margaret drinks, then smacks her lips.
MARGARET
It tastes as good as it smells!
She turns to him and gazes into his eyes.
MARGARET (CONTD)
Mordecai, this is amazing. Other
people have to try it. I could sell
it at the coffee shop!
Great!

MORDECAI

Mordecai slides back onto the couch beside Margaret.

MORDECAI (CONTD)
So, how about we finish this movie?
She jumps up from the couch and sprints to the door.
MARGARET
Ive gotta show this to Eileen!
Mordecai crosses his arms and grumbles.
INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY
Mordecai sits in his usual seat wearing a knitted scarf and
sunglasses, watching the plentiful CUSTOMERS swarm the place.
Rigby squeezes through the crowd to reach Mordecai.

5.
RIGBY
Ive never seen the place so
packed. Whats the deal?
Mordecai gestures with his head to a huge sign on the wall
bearing only his picture and the word Mordechai.
Rigby facepalms. Mordecai sips on a mug of tea.
RIGBY (CONTD)
I cant believe all these people
are here for your dumb tea.
MORDECAI
Clearly, its not dumb tea. Its
esoteric. You wouldnt get it.
Margaret, wearing a beret, walks up with two mugs. She hands
one to each. Rigby regards his with a grimace.
No thanks.

RIGBY

MARGARET
Oh Im sorry, I guess I just
assumed you wanted Mordechai. I
mean, who wouldnt want Mordechai?
Me!

RIGBY

MORDECAI
Shes right, you know.
MARGARET
Mordecai, you dont even know how
good this is. You dont even know.
Mordecai strikes a cool pose on the counter.
MORDECAI
Chai know it.
He finishes his tea, then starts drinking from Rigbys mug.
Rigbys eyes narrow as he rubs his chin.
EXT. COFFEE SHOP - MOMENTS LATER
Rigby storms out to the sidewalk. Hes blocked by a food
VENDORs cart, reading Free-Range Local Mealworms.
Excuse me!

RIGBY

6.
The pony-tailed vendor notices him and lurches aside.
RIGBY (CONTD)
Where did you come from, anyway? I
was just here.
VENDOR
I come for tea.
Rigby groans then turns to leave, but is obstructed by a
accordion case, and a scruffy MUSICIAN with dreadlocks
playing it. He sings a song about how great Mordechai is.
RIGBY
You gotta be kidding me!
SKIPS walks over to hear the music.
SKIPS
Hey, Rigby. What is this, some
sorta modern Renaissance fair?
Rigby bumps into Skips as he huffs past.
INT. PARK HOUSE - KITCHEN - LATER
Rigby puts an industrial-sized stock pot on the stove then
snakes the running hose into it. He stirs with a wood spoon.
RIGBY
Stupid Mordechai. I can make a tea
that tastes better and wont
attract smelly bums who dress bad.
When its halfway full, he tosses the hose aside.
RIGBY (CONTD)
Now I just need to make it brown...
Rigby rifles through the cabinets, tossing boxes and
condiments aside. He looks inside the fridge: a bottle of soy
sauce, brown eggs, meatloaf. Then he sees a six-pack of cola.
Yes. Yes.

RIGBY (CONTD)

Rigby grabs it by the plastic rings and pops the top of each
can, then dumps it all into the stock pot. He notices a box
of Splendo, an artificial sweetener, beside the stove.
Sweet!

RIGBY (CONTD)

7.
Rigby pours a steady stream of sweetener into the bubbling
concoction and stirs up a whirlpool.
A cloud of steam in the shape of a FAT MAN tries to run off,
but cant detach from the pot. The fat man flops onto his
face and fades away.
RIGBY (CONTD)
That guys really out of shape.
INT. PARK HOUSE - ATTIC - DAY
A lamp casts Mordecais silhouette against the wall.
In a lab coat with a bow-tie and lensless glasses under his
goggles, Mordecai observes a brown liquid flowing through a
series of tubes, culminating into one large pitcher.
With a dropper, Mordecai extracts the tea and squirts it into
a shot glass. He takes a breath, then drinks it. His hair
slicks over to one side and a fedora appears on top.
MORDECAI
Mordechai espresso shots!
He fits a lid onto the pitcher and dashes off.
INT. PARK HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Mordecai rushes down the stairs. Rigby lays on the couch
watching TV, an extra-large cup propped against his gut.
RIGBY
Where are you going?
Mordecai responds in a slightly snobby accent, drawing out
his words longer than necessary.
MORDECAI
Im heading down to the spot, bro.
My people dont even know about
these espresso shots.
Rigby has to use two hands to raise his cup. He tries to yell
but the words come out slow and clunky.
RIGBY
Yeah, well I made my own Rigtea!
And its better than yours!
Mordecai wraps up in an elaborate scarf as he runs off.

8.
MORDECAI
They dont even knoooooooow!
EXT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY
Rigby, fatter than ever and clutching a giant cup, waddles
through a crowd of musicians, artists, and vendors. The
streets are covered in trash.
RIGBY
Too cool to do the garbage.
A yoga class performs the cow pose in the middle of the road.
A beard wax salesman shouts advertisements. People are taking
pictures of people taking pictures.
Rigby waddles on. Across the road, MUSCLE MAN wearing a three
piece suit waves a Polaroid until it develops. He speaks with
an added snobby affectation to HI FIVE GHOST.
MUSCLE MAN
You know who takes really good
pictures? MY MOTHER!
Rigby regards the distance between himself and Muscle Man,
then decides against crossing the street. He yells out.
RIGBY
Have you seen Mordecai?
MUSCLE MAN
Has anyone really seen Mordecai?
Hi Five Ghost floats up from behind and takes a picture of
the Polaroid. He floats off, laughing. Muscle Man chases him.
MUSCLE MAN (CONTD)
Return, you hellion! That
photograph is my intellectual
property!
INT. COFFEE SHOP - MOMENTS LATER
The shop is packed with people holding Mordechai espresso
shots. Customers sway lazily to a throbbing beat, watching a
light show.
Rigby passes through the crowd, invisible but for his hands
balancing the gigantic cup above his head.
To the side, two SNOBS are arguing.

9.
SNOB 1
Mordechai is so much better
chilled, bro.
SNOB 2
Nah, bro, who drinks cold tea?
SNOB 1
Bro thats, like, the point of
Mordechai. Its good even cold.
A third SNOB pops his head in.
SNOB 3
But we can all agree it tastes best
with a little clove, right?

Ewww!

SNOB 1

Mordecai!

UGH!

SNOB 2

RIGBY

CUSTOMER
Ill take two, por favor.
Rigby keeps moving. An ANNOUNCER speaks over the intercom.
ANNOUNCER
And now, to kick off our open mic
night, we have some spoken word
poetry from Pops the Entertainer.
POPS comes out on a stage in the shop to rapturous applause.
He holds out a hand, and immediately the crowd goes silent.
POPS
(mocking a sheep)
Baaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Lots of ooohs and ahhhs from the audience.
POPS (CONTD)
Bah, bah, black sheep, have you any
thoughts of your own? No sir, no
sir, none that do not come from a
phone.
As Pops continues his rant without his usual accent, Rigby
makes his way to the counter. Margarets there, handing out
shot after shot of Mordechai.

10.
RIGBY
Margaret! Its crazy in here! Have
you seen Mordecai?
MARGARET
One accessory minimum, guy!
RIGBY
But I just need-MARGARET
No belt, no boots, no service!
Rigby walks off in a huff.
ANNOUNCER
Lets give a Coffee Shop round of
applause for Pops the Entertainer!
A soft smattering of golf claps fills the air.
ANNOUNCER (CONTD)
Next up we have Skips with a fresh
cut from his new album.
SKIPS sits on a stool, guitar on his lap. He puts his mouth
to a harmonica rack hanging from his neck, ready to blow.
INT. PARK HOUSE - BENSONS OFFICE - LATER
BENSON is seated at his desk, facing away from Rigby.
RIGBY
Benson! I wouldnt normally say
this, but what a relief to see you!
Benson shifts in his chair, but doesnt turn around.
BENSON
Thanks, Rigby.
The chair spins around, and Benson is knitting a nearlyfinished sweater that says Knitting Sucks! on the chest.
RIGBY
Oh no... NO! They got to you too!
Benson grabs a mug from his desktop and sips.

11.
BENSON
Hate to break it to you, but there
is no they. Unless you mean free
thinkers, I suppose. Because only
free thinkers drink Mordechai.
Benson lets out a smug chuckle. Rigby rages.
RIGBY
You guys are all such SNOBS!
His eyes go wide as he realizes:
RIGBY (CONTD)
Its the Mordechai!!
INT. PARK HOUSE - RIGBY/MORDECAIS BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Light spills into the dark room as Rigby enters with his cup.
Mordecai groans from his bed and shields his eyes.
RIGBY
Why are you in bed, dude?
MORDECAI
I was out late gathering honey from
the night bees. Best. Panini. Ever.
RIGBY
You gotta do something! Mordechai
is turning people into snobs!
Mordecai lays his wing across his face.
MORDECAI
Just because our tastes are a
little more refined doesnt make us
snobs. Now hand me my mug.
Rigby reaches for the mug on the night stand. He considers
handing it over. Then a devilish grin contorts his face.
Rigby clears his throat as he dumps out the Mordechai and
fills the mug with Rigtea, then hands it to Mordecai.
Drink up!

RIGBY

When it hits his lips, Mordecai snaps out of his daze.

MORDECAI
Whoa, dude. What happened?

12.
RIGBY
Quick: what color are the curtains?
Green...

MORDECAI

RIGBY
Not emerald, verdant, or jade?
MORDECAI
No dude. Just green.
Rigby looks at the cup of Rigtea. His face hardens.
RIGBY
We have work to do.
EXT. PARK HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER
Rigby and Mordecai bust through the door. SNOBS stagger
across the lawn like zombies, calling out Trends! Trends!
With his acoustic guitar strapped to his back, Skips pesters
each snob he comes across, holding a handful of CDs.
SKIPS
Debut album, only five bucks. CD?
Anybody want a CD?
EXT. COFFEE SHOP - LATER
Mordecai and Rigby observe the bustling hoard of SNOBS
swarming the Coffee Shop from afar.
RIGBY
Everyones obnoxious! What now?
MORDECAI
Same thing you did to me. Make them
drink Rigtea.
RIGBY
How do we do that? All those snobs
want is Mordechai!
MORDECAI
Exactly. We gotta go in and spike
the Mordechai with the Rigtea.
RIGBY
Like a heist movie?!

13.
MORDECAI
Like a heist movie.
INT. COFFEE SHOP - LATER
MORDECAI (V.O.)
First, well have to blend in.
Mordecai and Rigby creep amongst the zombie snobs in
flamboyant outfits. Thumping bass drowns everything else out.
They weave between the zombies, half-dancing as they go.
MORDECAI (V.O.)
Then well have to get past Eileen.
They saunter to the counter, where Eileen is passing out
Mordechai in a frenzy. Mordecai slams down a cup of Rigtea.
MORDECAI
Eileen, drink this!
EILEEN
Are you kidding? This is plastic. I
only drink from porcelain.
RIGBY
Let me try.
(to Eileen)
Here. Take a sip.
EILEEN
Of course, Rigby.
She drinks the Rigtea. The glaze over her eyes dissipates.
EILEEN (CONTD)
Thanks guys. Lets save Margaret!
INT. COFFEE SHOP - BACK HALL - MOMENTS LATER
MORDECAI (V.O.)
Then well have to find a way past
their new security system.
The three of them screech to a halt at the edge of a hallway.
EILEEN
The floor has vibration sensors! If
we walk on it well be toast!

14.
Rigby scurries up the wall and over to an OFF switch beside
the door. Mordecai dashes forward to meet him there.
EILEEN (CONTD)
Oh... that works.
At the door, Eileen types a password on a keypad. They enter.
INT. COFFEE SHOP - BACK ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
MORDECAI (V.O.)
Last, well have to defeat...
Margaret stands in front of a machine pumping out Mordechai.
Margaret?!

RIGBY/MORDECAI

MARGARET
Youre here for the Mordechai,
arent you? ARENT YOU?! Its mine!
MORDECAI
We dont want the tea. We just want
you to calm down and drink this.
MARGARET
I have all the Mordechai I want.
Why would I drink anything else?
MORDECAI
Margaret, please!
Margaret begins to grow until shes a beefy, raging red hulk.
She slaps the cup away, spilling the Rigtea.
MORDECAI (CONTD)
Whyd you do that? Were trying to
help you!
MARGARET
I DONT NEED HELP I NEED MORDECHAI!
Rigby scurries around Margaret as Mordecai pleads with her.
MORDECAI
Margaret, I know youre in there.
Think back to before all this. I
made the tea for you! I made it
because... I care about you.
Margaret continues to seethe. She reaches for Mordecai, who
cowers in fear. Then, Rigby walks over to them.

15.
RIGBY
Okay, were all good.
MARGARET
MORDECHAAAAAIIIIII!
RIGBY
You heard the lady, Eileen.
Rigby, no!

MORDECAI

RIGBY
Trust me, dude.
Eileen hurries over, splashing the Mordechai. Margaret
snatches the cup and drinks it. She immediately shrinks to
her normal size and drops to the floor. Mordecai rushes over.
MORDECAI
Margaret, are you okay?
MARGARET
Y-yeah, I think so.
EILEEN
Rigby, what did you do?
RIGBY
I just added artificial sweetener.
Thats basically all Rigtea was.
MORDECAI
Snob repellent! Nice. What now?
RIGBY
The Mordechais spiked. All we have
to do now is sit back and wait.
INT. COFFEE SHOP - MOMENTS LATER
The four of them sit on the counter, watching Skips perform a
sad song about lonely roads that lead nowhere.
RIGBY
You know, hes not that bad.
FADE OUT.
THE END