Y

ABFRIGH

MA CKA

Ex
K.

l.ihris

OGDEN

THE LIBRARY
OF
THE UNIVERSITY
OF CALIFORNIA
LOS ANGELES

TWENTY-ONi^ DAYS
IN

INDIA.

TWENTY-ONE DAYS
IN INDIA,

THE TOUR OF SIR ALI BAB A,

K.C.B.

GEORGE ABERIGH-MACKAY.

FOURTH EDITION.

LONDON

W.H. ALLEN & CO., 13, WATERLOO PLACE,

PALL

1\L\LL. S.W.
]

88(;.

(AU. rights reserced.)

I'RINTEK BY W.

II.

LONDON
ALLEN AND CO., !) VATEKLOO PLACE, PALL MALL.

-PS
HIS

AlHt
PREFACE.

The

following papers were originally written,

as will be gathered

Fair.
so

from the

text^ for

Vanity

Their appearance in that journal caused

much

stir in India^

country so

many

publication, that

and brought from that

requests for

they are

public in their present form.

London,

May

1880.

their

now

separate

given to the

CONTENTS

No.

I.

No. n.

With the Viceroy

The

...

A. -D.-C. -in-Waiting,

Akbangbment

an

and Gold

in Scarlet

PAGE

With the Commander-in-Chief 17

With the Archdeacon, a Man
.27
OF BOTH Worlds
No. V. With the Secretary to Govern-

No. IIL

No. IV.

.......

ment
No. VI.

H.E. THE Bengali Baboo

No. VII. With the Raja

...

With the Political Agent,

A Man in Buckram

No. VIII.

....

37

47
57

69

CONTENTS.

VIM

PAGK

With the Collector

No. IX.
No. X.

Baby

in

The Red Chuprarsie

No. XI.

Corrupt Lictor
No. XII.

...

Partibus

The

Prince
No. XIII.

or,

Planter

XIV. The Villager

No.

XV. The Old

No.

XVI. The

Colonel

Civil Surgeon

in

167

The Travelling M.P., the

British Lion Rampant

XX. Mem-Sahib

No. XXI.

Day

147

Ne-

phelococcyqia

No.

125

.157

XVIII. The Grass- Widow

No. XIX.

117

.137

No. XVII. The Shikarry

No.

10?

A Study in

Chiaro-oscuro
No.

99

Farmer

......
.....

The Eurasian

89

the

....
;

79

Ali Baba Alone

.179
.189

the Last
201

No.

I.

WITH THE VICEROY.

No.

I.

WITH THE VICEROY.

It

is

certainly a little intoxicating to spend a

You do not

day with the Great Ornamental.

see

much

of

sence to be

him perhaps
felt,

but he

is

a Pre-

something floating loosely

about in wide pantaloons and flying

skirts, dif-

fusing as he passes the fragrance of smile and

pleasantry and cigarette.

is

laden with honeyed

The air around him

murmurs
gracious
;

whispers play about the twitching bewitching

corners

of

his

delicious

mouth.

everything by " soft names in

rhyme."

Deficits, Public

many

He
a

calls

mused

Works, and Cotton

Duties are transmuted by the alchemy of his

1 *

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

An

gaiety into sunshine and songs.

on his writing-table an office-box

and

it is

No

something more

office-box

to him,

is

holds cigarettes.

it

one knows what sweet thoughts are his as

Chloe

through the room, blushful and

flutters

startled^ or as a fresh

beaker

South glows between

his

full of

warm

the

amorous eye and the

sun.
have never known

" I

Praise of love or wine

That panted forth a

flood of sweetness so divine."

He

I never tire of looking at a Viceroy.

a being so heterogeneous from us

He

is

is

the

centre of a world with which he has no affinity.

He

is

He who

a veiled prophet.

India,

the

centre

round which the Empire

rotates, is necessarily screened

He

ledge of India.

Indian tongue
Indian
ful

way

life is

lisps

no

no race or

known

to

him

to

him

an

from

all

know-

syllable of

caste,

provinces of the sun that

are

the axis of

is

all

any

mode

or

of

our delightthe

lie off

undiscovered

rail-

country

Ghebers, Moslems, Hindoos blend together in

one dark indistinguishable mass before

Nawab, whom the Foreign

his eye.

Office once

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

farmed out to me, often used to ask what the

I do not believe that

use of a Viceroy was.

The question would

he meant to be profane.

again and again recur to his mind, and find

itself

on

I always replied with the

his lips.

counter question, ''What

He

the use of India?

is

'^

the Oriental mind does

that the chief end and

never would see

not see these things

object of India was the Viceroy, that, in fact,

India was

the

the Viceroy the

and

plant

flower.

I have often thought of writing a

the Beauty of Viceroys

my mind

attuned

ability to express

and

my

and have repeatedly

to the subject; but

my

in-

myself in figurative language,

total ignorance of everything pertain-

ing to metre, rhythm, and rhyme,

rather

hymn on

hesitate to

the subject

is

employ

inviting,

no singer has

arisen.

and

verse.
I

How

am

make me
Certainly,

surprised that

can anyone view

the Viceroyal halo of scarlet domestics, with

all

the bravery of coronets,

shields in golden embroidery

emotion

How

silver plate that

can the

supporters,

and

lace,

and

without

tons of gold and

once belonged to John

Com-

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

<6

pany, Bahadur, and

now

that

repose on the

groaning ])oard of the Great Ornamental, amid

a glory of

Eden's
the

fields

eye's

thrills

Himalayan

from

flowers, or blossoms

be reflected upon

of asphodel,

producing

retina without

positive

and vibrations of joy (that cannot be

measured

in

terms of ohm or farad) shooting

up and down the spinal cord and into the most

hidden

seats of

pleasure

certainly can

never see the luxurious bloom of the silver

sticks arranged in careless groups about

the

vast portals without a feeling approaching to

awe and worship, and a tendency

to fling small

coin about with a fine mediaeval profusion.

certainly can never drain those profound golden

cauldrons seething with champagne without a

tendency to break into loud expressions of the

inward music and conviviality that simmer in

my

Salutes of cannon, galloping escorts,

soul.

processions of landaus, beautiful teams of

lish

Eng-

horses, trains of private saloon carriages

(cooled with water trickling over sweet jungle

grasses) streaming

pectant

through the suuny land, ex-

crowds of beauty with hungry eves

making a

delirious

welcome

at

every stage,

ONE DAT IN INDIA.

the whole country blooming into dance and

banquet and fresh

girls

breast at certain

that

taken

stirs

moments and makes me

resolve/' after dinner,

laborious days,"

live

at every step

the fair guerdon

these form

my

often

"to scorn delights and

and

sell

my

beautiful

and poetry, to the

soul, illuminated with art

devil of Industry, with reversion to the

supreme

secretariat.

How

mysterious and delicious are the cool

penetralia of the Viceregal Office

censorium of the Empire

thought;
bility

it

is

What

the

it

is

It

is

the

the seat of

abode of moral responsi-

battles,

what famines, what ex-

cursions of pleasure, what banquets and pageants,

what concepts of change have sprung

into life here

Every pigeon-hole contains a

potential revolution

the

embryo

of a

every office-box cradles

war or dearth.

and vibrations, what deadly

little

thunder-cloud

office

What

thrills

shocks

does this

transmit to far-away

provinces lying beyond rising and setting suns

Ah

Vanity, these are pleasant lodgings for

five years,

after us.

let

who may turn the kaleidoscope

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

A
just

little

errant knight of the press

arrived

on

comes rushing

who

has

Delectable Mountains,

looks over

my

shoulder, and

deuced expensive thing a Viceroy/'

little

errant knight would take the thunder

says, "

This

in,

the

at a quarter of the price,

and keep the Empire

paralytic with change and fear of change as if

the great Thirty-thousand-pounder himself were

on Olympus.

No.

11.

THE A.D.C.-IN-WAlTmG,
AN ARRANGEMENT IN SCARLET AND GOLD.

11

No. n.

THE

A.D.C.-IN-WAITING,

AN ARRANGEMENT IN SCARLET AND GOLD.

The

tone of the A.D.C.

is

He

subdued.

stands

He

in doorways and strokes his moustache.

nods sadly to you

occupied with

whisper

for

as

you

Secretaries

His way with

Council.

pass.

He

himself.

and
ladies

undemonstratively affectionate.
rajas to H.E.,

attitude

and stands in the

towards rajas

reserve.

servancesj

He

will

if

he

is

He

is

pre-

has a motherly

one of

Members
is

of

sisterly

He

tows up

offing.

His

melancholy

perform the prescribed obcannot

approve of

them.

Indeed, generally, he disapproves of the Indian

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

12

people,

For

though he condones their existence.

a brother in aiguillettes there

a Masonic

is

smile and a half-embarrassed familiarity, as

soon

is

around,

profane

standing about

An

melancholy

with

restored

and

*^

move uneasily away.

He

tastes.

He must

the house."

ride admirably

glances

who may be

persons

A.D.C. should have no

merged in

if

But confidence

found out in acting his part.

is

dance and

he ought to shoot

he

may

sing and paint in water-colours, or botanise a

little,

tile

and the faintest aroma of the most vola-

literature will

do him no harm; but he

cannot be allowed preferences.

If he has a

weakness for very pronounced collars and shirtcuffs in mufti, it

may be connived

he be honestly nothing
collars

and

else

at,

provided,

but the

man

in

cuffs.

When a loud, joyful, and steeplechasing Lord,

in the pursuit of pleasure

and distant wars,

dons the golden cords for a season, the world

understands that this

and a joke.

is

One must

A.D.C. with such a

The A.D.C. has

masquerading,

skittles,

not confound the ideal

figure.

four

distinct

aspects

or

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

phases

(1)

bloom of

the

scarlet

full

summer sunshine and

and gold for Queen^s birth-

days and high ceremonials

coat and belts

Lord

(3)

13

(2)

the dark frock-

in which to canter behind

the evening tail-coat, turned

his

down

with light blue and adorned with the Imperial

arms on gold buttons;

(4)

quiet disguises of private

life.

It is in the sunshine

gold that the A.D.C.

approachable

it

is

is

and, finally, the

glare

tana, the

the

fiercely.

and

most awful and un-

in this

splendour of vice-imperialism

upon him most

of scarlet

that the

aspect

seems

The Rajas

to beat

of Rajpu-

diamonds of Golconda, the gold of

Wynaad, the opium

of

Malwa, the cotton

of the Berars, and the Stars of India seem to

be typified in the richness of his

attire

and the

conscious superiority of his demeanour.

not one of the four

who swims

satellites

he

in the highest azure fields of the

eastern heavens

Frock-coated

and

belted,

he

passes

church or elsewhere behind his Lord,

aerolite

Is

of that Jupiter

from some distant universe,

into

like

an

trailing

cloudy visions of that young lady^s Paradise of

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

14

bright lights and music,

and

naise,

situated behind the

The
cuffs,

flagstaff

with

tail-coat,

and light blue

on the

gold

which

is

hill.

buttons,

velvet

silk lining, is quite a derai-

sraall-and-early

ofiicial,

champagne, mayon-

"just-one-more-turn,^^

arrangement.

It is

compatible with a patronising and somewhat

superb flirtation in the verandah

nay, even

under the pine-tree beyond the Gurkha sentinel,

whence many- twinkling Jakko may be

admired,

it

is

compatible with a certain sha-

An

dow of human sympathy and weakness.

A.D.C. in

tail-coat

longer a star; he

he

may

life

he

is

in the quiet disguises of private

He

is

This scheme of clothing

is

the mere stick of a rocket.

quite of the earth.

collection

offices

has been

and to

offices

of

gaming

of which there shall be no re-

on the re-assumption of uniform and

on re-apotheosis.

ship.

no

only a fire-balloon; though

compatible with the tenderest

or love

is

twinkle in heaven, he can descend to

But

earth.

is

and gold buttons

known

An

A.D.C. in plain clothes

to lay the long odds at whist,

qualify, very nearly, for a co-respondent-

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

15-

In addition to furnishing rooms in his own

person,

copy

an A.D.C,

my

is

sometimes required to

Lord's letters on mail-day, and, in

due subordination to the Military Secretary, to

superintend the stables, kitchen, or Invitation

Department.
After performing these high functions,

hard

if

it

is

an A.D.C. should ever have to revert

to the buffooneries of the parade-ground or the

vulgar intimacies of a mess.

one who has

for five years

the Empire should ever again

garded as
as

^'

or

How

^'

Bobby

can a

the curtain, and

sense of the

is

hard that

come

to be re-

Jones of the lOth,^' and spoken of

"Punch"

panions.

It

been identified with

^'

by old boon com-

man who

who has

has been behind

seen la 'premiere dan-

Empire practising her

steps before

the manager Strachey, in familiar chaff and

talk with the Council ballet, while the little

scene-painter and
aside

with

cocked

Press
ears,

Commissioner stood
and

the

privileged

made his careless jests how, I

say, can one who has thus been above the
clouds on Olympus ever associate with the

violoncellist

gaping, chattering, irresponsible herd below

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

16

It is well that

our

away from heaven

is

Ganymede should

into temporary eclipse

pass
;

it

well that before being exposed to the rude

gaze of the world he should moult his rainbow

Cimmeria of the Rajas. Here

him again, a blinking ignis fatuus
dark land "so shines a good deed in a

plumage

we

in the

shall see

in a

naughty world

''

thinks the Foreign Office.

No.

III.

WITH THE COMMANDER-INCHIEF.

19

No. ni.

WITH THE COMMANDER-INCHIEF.

At

Simla and

Calcutta the

Government of

India always sleeps with a revolver under

pillow

that

revolver

Chief.

There

revolver

is

it is

is

the

is

its

Commander-in-

a tacit understanding that this

not to be

let off

indeed, sometimes

believed that this revolver

is

not loaded.

The Commander-in-Chief is himself an army.

His transport, medical attendance, and provisioning

are

cared

for

departmentally,

watched over by responsible

officers.

He

and
is

host in himself; and a corps of observation.

2 *

ONE DAT IN INDIA.

20

His slightest

All the world observes him.

movement

molecular

disturbance

and vibrates into newspaper para-

type,

in

creates

graphs.

When
world

is

Commanders-in-Chief are born the

No

unconscious of any change.

knows when a Commander-in-Chief

No

joyful father,

no pale mother has ever

No

Mrs.

ex-

Com-

perienced such an event as the birth of a

mander-in-Chief in the family.

one

born.

is

Gamp

has ever leant over the banister and declared

to the expectant father below that
fine

fore, a

But

it

Commander-in-Chief.'^

healthy

Commander-in-Chief

is

There-

not like a poet.

when a Commander-in-Chief

dies,

the

thousand Beethovens sobs and wails

spirit of a

in the air

was " a

dull

heavy grief;

cannon roar slowly out their

silly rifles

gibber and chatter de-

moniacally over his grave

and a cocked hat,

emptier than ever, rides with the mockery of

despair on his coffin.

On Sunday evening,
the

and

after tea

and catechism,

Supreme Council generally meet

forfeits in

the snug

lour at Peterhoff.

''

little

for riddles

cloak-room par-

Can an armv

tailor

make

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

Commandei'-in-Chief

"

21

was

once asked.

Eight old heads were scratched and searched,

No

but no answer was found.

sound was

heard save the seething whisper o champagne

and flowing in the eight old heads.

ebbing

moaned through the rhodothe Commander-inChief wept peacefully.

He felt the awkwardOutside, the wind

dendron

trees

within,

An

ness of the situation.

door hiccupping

at the

aide-de-camp stood

He

idly.

was known

to have invested all his paper currency in Sack-

Street

ville

and he

army

honour bound to

in

felt

say that the riddle was a

little

hard on the

So the subject dropped.

tailors.

Commander-in-Chief

is

one of the most

beautiful articles of social upholstery in India.

He

sits

in a large chair in the drawing-room.

Heads and bodies sway

He

him.

he

gratifies

says

"'

drowsy
stars

vertically

takes tbe oldest

woman in

in passing
to dinner

her with his drowsy cackle.

and " No " to everyone

Yes "

civility

dimly

everyone

twinkle

is

conciliated.

twinkle

hostess enjoy their light.

He
with

His

the host and

After dinner he de-

cants claret into his venerable person, and tells

ONE DAY

22

IN INDIA.

an old story; the company smile with innocent

He

joy.

rejoins the

kindly on a pretty

month

self

of

Lieutenant the

woman

ladies

and

He

indiscretions.

gladdened.

is

He

is

a noble

thus a source of

and to those

happiness to himself

harmless

touches

Hon. Jupiter Smith on the

elbow and inquires after his mother

family

leers

she forgives her-

around him.
If a

by a

round of

been wasted

ball cartridge has

suicide, or a pair

of ammunition boots

carried off by a deserter, the

Chief sometimes

visits

Commander-in-

great cantonment

under a salute of seventeen guns.

The

mili-

tary then express their joy in their peculiar

fashion, according to their station in

cavalry

takes

soldier

gallops heedlessly
in

the

station.

fume about
business

as

out

his

up and down

life.

charger
all

The
and

the roads

The sergeants of all arms

if transacting some important

between

officers' quarters.

the

barracks

and

their

Subalterns hang about the

Mess, whacking their legs with small pieces of

cane and drinking pegs with mournful earnestness.

The Colonel sends

for everyone

who

ONE DAT IN INDIA.

23'

has not the privilege of sending for him, and

nothing to each one, sternly and deci-

says

The Majors and the

sively.

doing

officers

general duty go to the Club and swear before

the

that

civilians

they are worked

off their

complaining fiercely to themselves that

legs,

the Service

going,

is

&c. &c.

The Deputy-

Assistant-Quartermaster-General puts on

he

the gold lace

gallops

to

the

where he has

is

wear,

to

and

Assistant-Adjutant-General,

tiffin.

The Major- General-Com-

manding writes notes

keeps orderlies

allowed

all

flying

friends,

to all his

random

at

in

and

every

direction.

The Commander-in-Chief
turbed night

in the train

who

had a

dis-

sleeps peacefully

throughout the day, and leaves under another

salute

in

the

afternoon.

He

shakes hands

with everyone he can see at the station,

jumps

and

into a long saloon carriage, followed

by

his staff.

"
says

A
;

deuced active old fellow

"

everyone

and they go home and dine solemnly

with one another under circumstances of extraordinary importance.

;;

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

"24

The

Commander-in-Chief

of the

effect

is

very remarkable on the poor Indian, whose untutored

Lord/'
the

mind

sees a

Lord

''

War-Lord,

or

this

in contradistinction to

To the poor Indian

War-Lord

is

an object of profound

He

and speculation.

Lord.

An

more

in-

aspects

intelligible

aide-de-camp rides behind him

hats, or hands, rise electrically

it is felt

many

has

that resemble the other and

yet

" the Jungy

Mulky-Lord/^ or Country-Lord, the ap-

pellation of the Viceroy.

terest

He

in everything.

the Commander-in-Chief

calls

in secret that he

he passes

as

not pregnant

is

with such thunder-clouds of rupees, and that

he cannot make or mar a Raja.

it is

To the Raja

an ever-recurring question whether

it

is

necessary or expedient to salaam to the Jungy

Lord and

call

with servants
pitiated

upon him.

who

before

access to this

He

hedged about

is

will require to

be richly pro-

any dusky countryman gets

Lord of theirs.

Is

it,

then, worth

while to pass through this

fire to

Moloch who

Will this process of

sits

beyond

parting with coin

of Death

lead

the possible

this Valley of the

them

to

Shadow

any palpable advan-

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

War -Lord

Perhaps the

tage?

hand

right

26

can add guns

with his red

to

salute

their

perhaps he will speak a recommendatory word

to his caste-fellow, the

Country-Lord

These

are precious possibilities.

Raja

whom

am now prospecting for the

me the other day where

Foreign Office asked

Commanders-in-Chief were

seeing

ripened,

that they were always so mellow and bloom-

mentioned a few nursery gardens I

ing.

knew
H.H.

of in
at

once said that he would like to plant his

son there^
tions.

and about Whitehall and Pall Mall.

This

favourably

would water him with introduc-

if

is

young 'Arry Bobbery, already

known on

the Indian Turf as an

enterprising and successful defaulter.

You

will

know ^Arry Bobbery

if

you meet

him, dear Vanity, by the peculiarly gracious

way in which he
you commit the
money.

You may

forgives

and forgets should

indiscretion of lending

him

be sure that he will never

allude to the matter again, but will rather wear

manner, like

a piquant do-it-again
sistible

little

friend

Conny B

believe, however, that

Bobbery

will

our

irre-

don^t

ever be-

ONE DAY

26

come

IN INDIA.

a Commander-in-Chief,

tant cousin, Scindia,

is

though

a General,

his dis-

and though

they talk of pawning the ^long- shore Governorship of

Bombay

to Sir Cursingjee

Damtheboy.

No. IV.

WITH THE ARCHDEACON,

A MAN OF BOTH WORLDS.

29

No. IV.

WITH THE ARCHDEACON

A MAN OF BOTH WORLDS.

The

Press Commissioner has been trying by a

strained exercise of

me

his prerogative to

make

spend this day with the Bishop, and not

with the

Archdeacon

Press Commissioner;

but I

make

light o

treat his authority as a joke.

has a

pump

coroner

Why
What

Is a

disregard

What

pump an

him

the
;

authority

analyst and

should I spend a day with the Bishop?

claim has the Bishop on

conversation

am

my

improving

not his sponsor.

Be-

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

50

he might do

sides,

siastical birth

St.

me harm

I am

not quite

I admit his superior eccle-

sure of his claret.

I recollect his connection with

am

Peter; and I

more

conscious of the

potent spells and effluences of his shovel-hat

and apron; but I find the atmosphere of

his

heights cold, and the rarefied air he breathes

does not feed

my

the clouds of

human

yonder, above

weakness,

my

become unhinged,
collapse.
I meet

Up

lungs.

my

vertebrae

bones inarticulate, and I

missionaries,

and I hear the

music of the spheres; and I long to descend

again to the circles of the every-day inferno

where

my
'

friends are,
These distant stars
This kind,

am

sorry for

dencies

loon

is

can forego
is all I

I really have

it.

know."

upward
fix

ten-

upon

The High Church balloon always

too light; and the Low Church

me

balloon too heavy

naut can

earth

but I have never been able to

a balloon.

seems to

warm

tell

while no experienced aero-

me where

bound

for;

weight sinner, here I

the Broad Church bal-

thus,

though a feather-

am upon

the firm earth.

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

my

So come along,
have a

stroll

clear

31

Archdeacon,

down the Mall, and

us

let

a chat about

"Mean Whites/' and

"
the joy of wild asses."
Mrs. Lollipop,

Temporalities, Fabrics,
little

An Archdeacon
India

among

especially

is

one of the busiest

when he

is

He

the sweet pine-trees.

men

up on the
is

in

hill

the recog-

nised guardian of public morality, and the hill

captains and the semi-detached wives lead

There

a rare

life.

stein's,

no picnic

is

no junketing

at the waterfalls,

Aramandale, no rehearsals
Battings,

no choir practice

at

at

Gold-

no games

solved

church even,

some matrimonial charm

a kiss,

these

electric disturbances

ning conductor

where he

is,

A
dis-

of society

The Archdeacon is the

must be averted.

at

Herr Felix von

at the

from which he can safely absent himself.

word,

him

light-

the levin

of

naughtiness passes to the ground, and society

is

not shocked.

In the Bishop and the ordinary padre we

have far-away people of another world.

know

We

little

feel

of us;

much

The presence

we know nothing

constraint

of the

in

They

of them.

their presence.

ecclesiastical sex

imposes

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

32

upon our conversation. The

Lieutenant-Governor of the South-Eastem

severe restrictions

Provinces once complained to

me

that the pre-

sence of a clergyman rendered nine-tenths of

his vocabulary contraband,

fountains of anecdote.
the selection

Archdeacon

of

we

all this is

when we meet him

When
is

he

not of us

He may seem
is

is

both of

him

see

we

in the

are with

in a ball-room

are flattered to feel that the angels are with

us.

he

He

changed.

When we

are pleased to think that

the angels

we

But with an

our friends.

Heaven and Earth.

pulpit

and choked up his

It also restricts us in

is

with us

he
a

though^

of course,

is

yet exceedingly like us.

little

more venerable than he

perhaps there may be about him a grand-

fatherly air that his years do not warrant

may

exact a " Sir " from us that

to others of his worldly standing

is
;

he

not given

but there

is

nevertheless that in his bright and kindly eye

there

is

that in his side- long glance

which

by a charm of Nature transmutes homage into

familiar friendship, and respect into affection.

The
I

character of Archdeacons as clergymen

would not venture to touch upon.

It is pro-

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

33

verbial that Archidiaconal functions are Eleu-

No

sinian in their mysteriousness.

duties of an

Archdeacon

one, except

know what

an Archdeacon, pretends to

the

no one can say

are, so

whether these duties are performed perfunc-

and inadequately, or scrupulously and

torily

We

successfully.

sometimes preach,

know.

know

preach

it

in India

we
who

I have heard

him

and that

is

know an Archdeacon

can preach a good sermon

many

a time, once

Archdeacons

that

about

on a benefit night

for the Additional Clergy Society.

four

annas

wrench.

have

from

me

but

it

It

wrung

was a terrible

would not go through

every living

all

it

again to

graduate of St. Bees and

Durham disgorged on our

From my saying this do

not suppose that I

am Mr.

or

Whitley

Chundra Sen.

Stokes,

am

coral strand.

Babu Keshub

Churchman, beneath

the surface, though a pellicle of inquiry

have supervened,
the Bishop, nor yet

A. C.

I abide

in

am
am I

the

may

not with the party of

with Sir J. S., or Sir

Limbo

of Vanity, as a

temporary arrangement, to study the seamy

side of Indian politics and morality, to examine

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

34

misbegotten wars and reforms with the

pel, Stars of

India with the spectroscope, and

amusing

to enjoy the society of half-a-dozen

people to

scal-

whom

the

Empire

of India

is

but as a

wheel of fortune.
I like the recognised relations

Archdeacon and women.

They

between the

more than

are

avuncular and less than cousinly

they are

tender without being romantic, and confiding

He

without being burdensome.

has the pri-

vate entree at chhoti hazri, or early breakfast

he sees loose and flowing robes that are only

for esoteric disciples
at five o'clock

tea

he has the private entree

and

hears plans

evening campaign openly discussed.

quite behind the scenes.

He

the

for

He

is

hears the earliest

whispers of engagements and flirtations.

He

can give a stone to the Press Commissioner in

the gossip handicap, and win in a canter.

cannot

tell

You

him anything he does not know

already.

Whenever the Government

merrymaking, he

is

out on the

he was in the thick of the

of India has a
trail.

At Delhi

mummery, beaming

on barbaric princes and paynim

princesses.

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

35-

blessing banners, blessing trumpeters, blessing

proclamations, blessing

tion of planets that

pleasant places.

champagne and

had placed his

His tight

smile

lines in such

cob, his per-

little

and

fect riding kit, his flowing beard,

sant

truffles,

and blessing the conjunc-

blessing pretty girls,

his plea-

were the admiration of

the

all

Begums and Nabobs that had come to the fair.

The Government of India took such delight
in him that they gave him a gold medal and a
book.

With

the inferior clergy the Archdeacon

not at his ease.

He

cannot respect the

ginger-bread gods of doctrine they

themselves;

he cannot worship

altars; their hocus-pocus

phraseology

fall

little

make

at their

and their

is

for
hill

crystallised

dissonantly on his ear

their

talk of chasubles and stoles, eastern attitude,

and

all

by an

the rest of

it,

is

to

him

idiot signifying nothing.

as a tale told

He would

to see the clergy merely scholars

like

and men of

sense set apart for the conduct of divine worship and the encouragement of

all

kindly offices to their neighbours

good and

he does not

wish to see them mediums and conjurors.

3 *

He

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

56

thinks that in a heathen country their paltry

fetishism of misbegotten notions and incom-

prehensible phrases
injurious to the
Christianity.

be very
this

is

peculiarly offensive and

interests of

much mistaken

in

all

generous consciousness of

gives the singular

tude.
tacles

He

charm

can take

this

and

fallibility

and

it

is

which

to his religious atti-

off his ecclesiastical

and perceive that he

like other

civilisation

Of course the Archdeacon may

spec-

may be in the wrong

men.

Let us take a

last

look at the Archdeacon,

for in the whole range of

prominent Anglo-

Indian characters our eye will not rest upon

a

more orbicular and

satisfactory figure.

good Archdeacon, nobly planned

to comfort, and command
And yet a spirit gay and bright,
With something of the candle-light."

To warn,

No. V.

WITH THE SECRETARY TO

GOVERNMENT.

39

N"o.

V.

WITH THE SECRETARY TO

GOVERNMENT.

He

is

clever,

am

told,

and being clever he

has to be rather morose in manner and careless in dress,

was

clever.

or people might forget that he

He

has always been clever.

was the clever man

clever

when he

first

of his year.

He

He

was so

came out that he could

never learn to ride, or speak the language, and

had to be translated to the Provincial Secretariat,

But though he could never speak an

intelligible sentence in

the language, he had

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

40

such a practical and useful knowledge of

in half-a-dozen of its dialects, that he

pass examinations in

it,

could

with the highest credit,

it

He

netting immense rewards.

thus became

not only more and more clever, but more and

more

solvent

until he

was an object of wonder

to his contemporaries,

of admiration

to the

Lieutenant-Governor, and of desire to several

Barri

Mem Sahibs with daughters.

this time that

an

he

is

article published

ical.

It

in

for the English Press.

that he was a

of letters

religion.

it

It

was

felt

was assumed

men

he

something

in

So he gave up

do

religion,

and allowed

be understood that he was a

:

the

man

of

a Positivist, a Buddhist, or

something equally occult.

for

of the

so conspicuous a reputation,

necessary to

advanced views

ripe

it

the chief literary

all

With

believed

to

man

he was on terms of familiar correspon-

dence with

it

solemn

So he became one

into the Quarterly Review.

day.

period-

article of a

and report magnified the periodical

description,

that

was about

some English

was said to be an

who wrote

It

supposed to have written

Thus he became

highest employment,

and was

ONE DAT IN INDIA.

successively on

placed

He

Commissions.

41

number

Special

of

inquired into everything;

he wrote hundredweights of reports; he proved

to have the true paralytic ink

himself

precisely the kind of

haemorrhage
India.

wordy discharge or brain

required

He would

flux,

of

high

write ten pages

in

official

where

a clod-

He

hopping collector would write a sentence.

could say the same thing over and over again

in a

of

The feeble forms

his command.
He

hundred different ways.

were at

satire

official

desired exceedingly to be thought supercilious,

and he thus became almost necessary to the

Government
up

caught

chanted
'^

of

little

India,

Simla.

to

anthems,

was

and

canonised,

The Indian

papers

"the Services"

Amen,'^ and the apotheosis was

felt

said

to be a

On

reaching Simla he was found to

be familiar with the two local " jokes,^^ planted

success.

many

years

these

''jokes "

having

its

second

is

by some jackass.

ago

is

One

of

about everything in India

peculiar smell, except a flower

the

some inanity about the Indian Go-

vernment being
tempered by the

despotism of despatch-boxes
loss of

the keys.

He

often

ONE DAY IN

42
emitted

IVDIA.

" jokes "

mouruful

these

was declared to

he

until

an acquisition to Simla

be

society.

Such
bouse

man

the

is

beautifully

is

deep ravine,

full of

am with

geraniums

Imperial

Within,
the

all

man

is

The verandah

is

and

with

is

in

gold.

very respectable and nice, only

but certainly im-

vile,

somewhat

more

the

servants

tall

encrusted

not exactly

in

perfect

With

deeply

red

overlooking a

situated,

noble pine-trees, and sur-

rounded by rhododendrons.

gay with

His

to-day.

conspicuous degree.

forms of

attractive

has no true sympathy.

I can strike

he

sin

no con-

cord with him on this umbrageous side of

nature.

he

this, for
is

weak.

seriously shocked

affects infirmity

outline,

to discover

but his humanity

In his character
animal

perfect

wanting

am

but

perceive

the

the colour

is

the glorious sunshine, the profound

glooms of humanity are not there.

Such a man
into confidences.

is

dangerous he decoys you

Even Satan cannot respect

a sinner of this complexion,

a sinner who

only fascinated by the sinfulness of

sin.

is

As

43

ONE DAY IN INDIA,

my

for

poor host, I can see that he has never

really graduated

sin at all

in

he has only

sought the degree of sinner honoris causa.

am

sure that he never had enough true vitality

or enterprise to sin as a

he does

When

sin.

understood

to

man

ought to

mean

the

venial

oflFences

My

robbery.

clever

chiefly in reducing

thoughts.
his

own

Upon

friend^s

files

subject

particular

if

to

work

of

am

highway
consists

of correspondence on

one or two leading

these he casts the colour of

opinions, and submits the subjective

product to the Secretary or

above him for

the

or

sheep-stealing

thinking of

not

sin,

I speak of sin I will be

prevarication and sleeping in church,

many

final orders.

refractive

Member

of Council

His mind

is

one of

mediums through which

Government looks out upon India.

From time

time he

to

write a minute or a note on

ject,

and then

expand

freely.

it is

called

is

upon

to

some given sub-

that his thoughts and words

He

feels

bound

to cover an

own opinion
own importance; he feels bound to intro-

area of paper proportionate to his

of his

duce a certain seasoning of foreign words and

ONE DAY

44
phrases

and he

IN INDIA.

bound

feels

to create,

if

occasion seems in any degree to warrant

the
it,

one of those cock-eyed, limping, stammering

epigrams which

humour

official

the Secretary

is

perfectly sinful,
shall

belong

exclusively

Simla.

of

to

the

have said that

clever, scornful, jocose,

and nimble with his pen.

imI

only add that he has succeeded in catch-

ing the tone of the Imperial Bumbledom.

This tone

is

an affectation of aesthetic and

literary sympathies,

disdain

Indian

everything

of

The flotsam and jetsam

Indian.

European
treasured

thought
**

up.

"The Epic
room

combined with a proud

table.

are

of Hades'"

xlnglo-

of advanced

sought and
Republic " and

eagerly

New

The

and

are

on every drawing-

One must speak

of nothing but

the latest doings at the Gaiety, the pictures of

the last Academy, the ripest outcome of scepticism in the Nineteenth Century, or the after-

math

in the Fortnightly.

our Secretariat

man

If I were to talk to

about the harvest pros-

pects of the Deckan, the beauty of the

layan scenery, or the book

lished

Hima-

have just pub-

in Calcutta about the

Rent Law, he

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

would

me

stare at

45

with feigned surprise and

horror.
"

When
In a

of his own native land,

moment he seems to be there

he thinks

Ah Baba

hand
Soon huiTies him back to despair."

But, alas

at

No. VI.

H.E.

THE BENGALI BABOO.

49

No. VI.

THE BENGALI BABOO.

H.E.

The

ascidian

Bengali Baboos

moment

of

regret the

evolved

inta

must have seized the

first

got

that

itself

consciousness
step

it

had

and

taken

thought
for

to

however

much we may desire to diffuse Babooism over

the Empire, we must all agree that the Baboo
itself is a subject for tears.

The other day,

Mall,
I

whistling

as I

was strolling down the

Beethoven's 9th Symphony,

met the Bengali Baboo.

from

office.

asked

it

if

It
it

was returning

had

a soul.

It

ONE DAY

50

replied that

it

IN INDIA.

had not, but some day

it

hoped

to pass the matriculation examination of the

Calcutta University.

saw no resurrection in

When I
me that a

was

whistled the opening

Cherubini's Requiems, but I

bars of one of

at

its eye, so I

passed on.

Lhassa the Dalai

Lama

told

virtuous cow-hippopotamus by me-

under unfavourable

tempsychosis might,

cir-

cumstances, become an undergraduate of the

and

Calcutta University,
leather

shoes

and

when

that,

English

patent-

supervened,

the

thing was a Baboo.

I forget

whether

was the Duke of Buck-

it

ingham, or Mr. Lethbridge, or General Scindia

I always

mix up these C.I.E.'s together in

my mind somehow who

Bengali

Baboo

had

told

never

me

that

been known

a
to

laugh, but only to giggle with clicking noises

like

evidence, because
at a

Now

crocodile.

CLE.

he

if

will

this

is

very

telling

Baboo does not laugh

nothing.
The

laugh at

faculty must be wanting.

When Lord

Macaulay

said

that

what the

milk was to the cocoa-nut, what beauty was

to

the

buffalo,

and

what

scandal

was

to

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

woman,

that Dr,

51

Johnsou^s Dictionary was to

the Bengali Baboo, he unquestionably spoke

in

terms of figurative exaggeration

less a core of truth lies

It

neverthe-

by the Baboo's words you know the

is

The true Baboo

Baboo.
phrases

heaps

in

of words and

is full

words

inappropriate

of

full

phrases lying about like dead

field^

hidden in his remark.

men on

be carted away promis-

to

cuously,

without reference

You may

turn on a Baboo at any

kith

to

be quite sure that words, and

maxims,

and

a battle-

and proverbs

or kin.

moment and
phrases, and

come

will

gurgling

forth, without reference to the subject or to

the occasion, to what has gone before

what

will

come

after.

Perhaps

it

or to

was with

reference to this independence, buoyancy, and

gaiety of language that Lord Lytton declared

the Bengali to be

You know,
that

before

from

''

the Irishman of India.''

dear Vanity, I whispered to you

the

poor

Baboo

aberration

slight

of

often

prevents his articulating the truth

moral

lisp.

suflFers

speech which

a kind of

Lord Lytton could not have been

alluding to this

for

it

was only yesterday that

4 *

ONE DAY

52

an Irishman speak the truth to Lord

I heard

some

Lytton about

what

rather

me

told

matter

little

cotton duty, I think

said,

IN INDIA.

"

curtly,

and

forget

Lord Lytton

Why, you have

often

So Lord Lytton must

this before/'

be in the habit of hearing

from the

certain

truths

Irish.

was either Sir Andrew Clarke, Sir Alex-

It

ander Arbuthnot, or Sir Some-one-else, who

understands
told

me

England
steps,

about these

all

present.

at

when

Wynaad and

shares

(Colonel Peterson,

supported

the

Simla

my
the

Bank.

Simla Fencibles,

of so dreadful a form of

establishing

in

itself

one's native

repugnant to the feelings even of those

who have been rendered

things

capitalise

the

in

of

to

gallantly in this latter resolu-

The notion

tion.)

fetishism
is

me

it,

gold mines in

purchase

in

immediately took

I heard of

and

pension

land

things, that first

Baboo worship

of the tendency to

by seats

in

the

callous

to

such

Bengal Legislative

Council.
Sir

George Campbell

took

an

interest in

the development of the Baboo, and the selec-

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

tion of

the

ment.

He

Government employ-

fittest for

taught them in dehating-clubs the

modes

various

53

conducting

of

parliamentary chatter;

irresponsible

and he

tried

to

en-

courage pedestrianism and football to evolve

their legs

and bring them into something

can

still

like

pendant arms.

Yow

see a few of Sir George's leggy

Baboos

harmony with

their long

coiled

up in corners of lecture-rooms at Cal-

cutta.

The Calcutta Cricket Club employs

one

as

permanent " leg."

It is the future of

When

painting,

Comedie

coveries, they
legs

Baboodom I tremble for.

new religions, music,

they was fat with

may

Anglaise,

of theirs, until

that they

are

dis-

we

shall

have to think

something more than a joke,

more than a mere

caricature

scientific

kick with those developed

lusus natura,

moulded by the

more than a

accretive

and

differ-

monad in a moment of
wanton playfulness. The fear is that their tendencies may infect others.
The patent-leather
entiating impulses of the

shoes,

the

silk

umbrellas,

the ten

thousand

horse-power English words and phrases, and the

loose shadows of English thought, which are

ONK DAY

54

now

so

many Aunt

fling a jeer at^

into

dummy

IN INDIA.

Sallies for all

the world to

might among other races pass

soldiers,

and from

dummy

soldiers

into trampling, hope-bestirred crowds, and so

Baba and into

Mr. Wordsreflection.
the Dakhani Brahmans

on, out of the province of Ali

the columns of serious

worth and

his friends

how

should consider

painful

it

would

when

be,

deprived of the consolations of religion, to be

solemnly

repressed

by

the

Pioneer

to

be

steam-hammer which by the

placed under that

descent of a paragraph can equally crack the

tiniest

of jokes

and the hardest of

political

nuts,

can suppress unauthorised inquiry and

crush

disaff'ection.

At present the Baboo

is

merely

grotesque

Brocken shadow, but in the course of geological ages

thing

it

might harden down into some-

palpable.

leads Sir Ashly

It

Eden

possibility

to advise the

revert to its original type

to

this

is

become homogeneous

but
after

it is

that

Baboo

to

not so easy

you have been

diluted with the physical sciences and stirred

about by Positivists

would

and missionaries.

were a protoplastic monad

''

'^

may

ONE DAY

sound very rhythmical, poetical, and

but even for a

Baboo the aspiration

easy one to gratify.

55

IN INDIA.

all

that

is

not an

No. VII.

WITH THE RAJA.

59

No. VII.

WITH THE

RAJA.

^1^

Try

not to laugh, Dear Vanity.

don't

mean anything by

kings are so sensitive.

translating to a

it

know you

but these Indian

The other day

was

young Raja what Val Prinsep

had said about him in

his "

Purple India

''

he had only said that he was a dissipated young

ass

and

quite

as ugly as a

baboon

but the boy was

hurt and began to cry, and I had to

send for the Political Agent to quiet him and

put him to sleep.

"When you consider the

matter philosophically there

is

nothing per se

ONE DAY

'60

ridiculous

case

in

IN INDIA.

Take a hypothetical

Raja.

picture to yourself a Raja

who does not

some good reason, who

get drunk without

is

not ostentatiously unfaithful to his five-and-

twenty queens and his five-and-tweuty grand

who does not festoon his thorax and

abdomen with curious cutlery and jewels, who
duchesses,

does not paint his face with

who sometimes

and there

aflPairs,

red ochre, and

takes a sidelong glance at his

is

no reason why you should

not think of such a one as an Indian king.

India

not very fastidious

is

Government

satisfied,

is

so long as

the

the people of India

like.

peasant proprietor said to Mr. Caird and

me

do not much care what the Rajas are

the other day, "

We

are poor cultivators

cannot afford to keep Rajas.

for the

Lord

The

The Rajas

we
are

Sahib.''

young

Maharaja

assures

me that

really

swell

of

Kuch Parwani

not considered the thing

"A
for a Raja at the present day to govern.
it

is

Raja

amuses

himself.''

One

hoards money, another plays at soldiering, a

third

is

fifth gets

horsey, a fourth

drunk

at

is

least so

amorous, and a

Kuch Parwani

ONE DAY

IN INDIA.

61

Please don't say that I told you this.

thinks.

The Foreign Secretary knows what

a high opi-

nion I have of the Rajas, and indeed he often

employs me to whitewash them when they get

into scrapes,

"

little

perhaps^ but

playful,

no more loyal Prince in India

''

This

is

the

kind of thing I put into the Annual Administration Reports of the Agencies, and I stick to

Playful no doubt, but a more loyal class

it.

than the Rajas there

is

They

not in India.

have built their houses of cards on the thin

crust
crater,

British

of

Rule that now covers

the

and they are ever ready to pour a

pannikin of water into a crack to quench the

explosive forces rumbling below.

The amiable
staying to-day
habits.

At an

chief in
is

am

simple in

his

whose house

exceedingly

early hour he issues from the

zenana and joins two or three of his thakores,

or barons,

who

are on duty

at

morning draught of opium.

circle,

Court, in the

They

sit

in

and a servant in the centre goes round

and pours the kasumbha out of

brass bowl

and through a woollen cloth into their hands,

out of which they lap

it

up.

Then

cardamum

;;

ONE DAY

62

away the acrid

to take

IN INDIA.

One hums

after-taste.

drowsily two or three bars of an

the Chief yawns, and

prevent

all

old-world

and

another clears his throat

song ;

snap their fingers, to

skipping into his

evil spirits

a late riser joins the circle, and

the Chief, give him tazim

salaam

spits

that

throat

except

all,

rise

is,

and

a coarse jest or two, and the party

disperses.

crowd of servants swarm round

Three

the Chief as he shuflBes slowly away.

or four mace-bearers walk in front shouting,

" Umr, daulat ziyada

wealth increase.)

(May your age and

ho.^'

confidential servant con-

tinually leans forward

and whispers in

another remains close

tea-pot containing water and wrapped

wet cloth to keep

whisks a yak's
fourth

carries

handkerchief

He

it

up

in a

a third constantly

Lord's sword

and so on.

dawdles up a narrow

dark corridor,

down

silver

over the King's head

tail

my

cool

his ear

hand with a

at

Where

a fifth

his

is

he going ?

staircase,

through a

half-a-dozen steep steps,

across a courtyard overgrown with weeds,

up

another staircase, along another passage, and

so to a range of heavy quilted red screens that

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

conceal

we must

Here

leave

disappear behind

servants

master,

their

the female pene-

doors leading into

tralia.

where they

the others

63

the

him.

Two

parda

with

promptly

down

lie

draw the sheets or blankets

are,

which they have been wearing over their faces

and

and

feet,

King

About noon we

sleep.

He

again.

is

see the

dressed in white flowing

robes with a heavy carcanet of emeralds round

neck

his

His

pearls

aigrette springing

He

sits

turban

red

of seed

strings

and

from a

with

tied

is

with

set off

an

diamond brooch.

on the Royal mattress, the gaddi.

big bolster covered with green velvet supports

his back

his

sword and shield are gracefully

At the corner

disposed before him.

gaddi

sits

miniature,

representation of himself in

little

complete even to the sword and

This

shield.
all

is his

the queens and

adopted son and

all

and a

little

planted from a

mud

childless,

fields

heir.

For

the grand duchesses are

kinsman had
village

to be trans-

among

the corn-

to this

dreamland palace to perpetuate

On

the corners of the carpet on which

the line.

the

of the

gaddi rests

sit

thakores

of

the

Royal

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

64

other thakores

house,

forming two

left,

palace

sardars,

sit

below,

parallel lines,

right

and

dwindling into

and others of lower

officers,

rank as they recede from the gaddi.

Behind

the Chief stand the servants with the emblems

of royalty

yak

tail,

the

peacock feathers, the fan, the

and the umbrella (now furled)

servant

confidential

still

is

whispering

This

the ear of his master from time to time.

is

durbar.

languid

sently

No

one speaks, unless to exchange

compliment with the Chief.

essence

The
into

Pre-

and a compound of

of roses

areca nut and lime are circulated, then a huge

silver pipe is

brought

long pulls, the

take a pull,

the Chief takes three

thakores

on the carpet each

and the levee breaks up amid

profound salaams.

and

in,

After this

dinner, opium,

sleep.

In the cool of the evening our King emerges

from the palace, and, riding on a prodigiously

fat

white horse with pink points, proceeds to

the place of carousal.

men

follow him, and

long train of horse-

footmen run before with

guns in red flannel covers and

shouting

"Raja

silver

maces,

Maharaja salaamat,?

&c.

ONE DAT IN INDIA.

65-

The horsemen immediately around him are

mounted on well-fed and richly- caparisoned
steeds, with

the bravery of cloth-of-gold,

all

yak-tails, silver

chains,

and strings of

shells;

behind are troopers in a burlesque of English

uniform
of

and altogether in the rear

on

caitiffs

masque-

rading in every degree of shabbiness and

down

to

tants pour out of

at the

rags,.

The cavalThe inhabievery door and bend to the

nakedness and a sword.

cade passes through

ground.

mob

is

chargers,

skeleton

Red

the

city.

and white

cloths

veils flutter

You would hardly

casements overhead.

think that the spectacle was one daily enjoyed

by the

city.

There

is

all

the

hurrying and

Here and

eagerness of novelty and curiosity.

there a
a

little

door and

shrill

shy crowd of
salute

verse of

the

discordant

women

Chief
song.

gather at

with a loud
It

is

some

national song of the Chiefs ancestors and of

the old heroic days.

The

place of carousal

is

a bare spot near a large and ancient well out

of which grows a vast pipal tree.

little

Hard by

temple surmounted by a red

drooping bamboo.

It is here that the

is

on a

flag

Gcmgor
5

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

66

and

Dassahra

solemnities

on

ground,

Arrived

circles his

him

causes

the

horse

first

off foot

finally,

celebrated.

Raja

slowly

then, jerking the thorn-bit,

to advance plunging and rearing,

but dropping

on the

are

the

on the near

foot

and then

with admirable precision

and

making the white monster, now in a

up and walk a few steps on

lather of sweat, rise

his hind legs, the Raja's performance concludes

amid many shouts

of

wonder and delight from

the smooth-tongued courtiers. Thethakores and

sardars now exhibit their skill in the manege
the shades of night

until

fall,

when

torches

are brought, amid much salaaming, and the

cavalcade defiles, through the city, back to the
palace.

Lights are twinkling from the higher

casements and reflected on the lake below ; the

gola slave-girls are singing

drum and conch answer from

yards.

The palace

will

romantically

from

his horse

is

awake.

presume,

plaintive

songs,

the open court-

The Raja, we
bounds

lightly

and dances gaily to the harem

to fling himseli: voluptuously into the luxurious

a,rms of one of the five-and-twenty queens, or

one of the five-and-twenty grand duchesses

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

and they stand
wreathed

in

one

for

67

moment

delirious

each other's embraces

While

Through the

soft there

breathes

cool casement, mingled with the sij^hs

Of moonlight flowers, music that seems to rise

From some still lake, so hquidly it rose,
And, as it swell'd again at each faint close,
The ear could track through all that maze of chords
And young sweet voices these impassioned words

" Ho, you there

look sharp, will you

For who,

in time,

The treasure

of

fetch us a pint of gin

and

"
!

knows whither we may vent

our tongue, to what strange shoras

This gain of our best glory shall be sent.

To em-ich unknowing nations with our stores

What worlds in the yet unformed Orient

May come refined with accents that are ours
But,

dear Vanity,

can see that you are

impatient of scenes whose luxuries steal, spite

of yourself, too deep into your soul; besides, I

dread the effect of such

certain Zuleika to
is like

whom

warm

situations

the note of Ali

on a

Baba

the thrice-distilled strains of the bulbul

on Eendemeer's stream.
ourselves

back

to

prose

So

let

and

thinking of the Political Agent

us electrify
propriety

let

by

us plunge
5 *

"

ONE DAY

68

the

into

buttons

and

picturesque

gallery of " Vive

M,

le

and gold

H.H.

while
Raja,

Yet we hear

amuses himself.

telle

justice

Raja

by

reality

tail-coat

in

figure

dispensing

romantic

dreary

waters of

cold

conjuring up

IN INDIA.

the

G.C.S.I.,

cries

from the

vive la baga-

"
!

So say we,

in

faint

echoes,

anathemas of the Foreign

temple of

turn this beautiful

into a

mere

sweep

mill for decrees

and purify

it

shrine for the

loyalty

''

it,

defying

the

Do

not

Office.

and render

homage and

days

ancient

and budgets
it

but

a fitting

tribute of antique

that proud submission, that subor-

dination of the heart which kept alive, even

in

servitude

itself,

freedom.^'

With

government

''

the

spirit

tail-coat

of

and

an exalted
cocked-hat

the unbought grace of

life,

the

cheap defence of nations, the nurse of manly

sentiment and heroic enterprise

is

gone.

No. VIII.

WITH THE POLITICAL AGENT,

A MAN IN BUCKRAM.

71

No. viii.

WITH THE POLITICAL AGENT,

A MAN IN BUCKRAM.

This

is

a most curious product of the Indian

bureaucracy.

dom

is

Nothing

so wonderful

all

White Baboo-

the Political Agent.

as

who was
good deal about India some three

near relation

travelling a

in

of

the Empress

or four years ago said

that he

would rather

get a Political Agents with raja, chuprassies,

and everything complete, to take home, than

the unfigured "
sea-aye-ee

mum "

mocking

of Belucliistan, or the

bird,

KokioUiensis

Lyt-

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

72

But the

Political Agent cannot be

The purple bloom fades in the
scornful climate of England
the paralj'tic
tonia.

taken home.

swagger passes
thirteen-gun
echoes

tall

sheer

into

the

talk reverberates in jeering

the chuprassies

imbecility

only so

are

black men, and the raja

is

many

to be a joke.

felt

The Political Agent cannot live beyond Aden.

The Government of India keeps its Political
Agents scattered over

the native

small jungle stations.

and

rajas,

according to their rank, and

a house,

Aitchison^s

Cavalry,

a gaol, a
Treaties,

powers of a

first-class

six camels, three tents,

or thirteen guns.

Government
Agent

to

doctor,

an

of

chuprassies,

usually throws
a

volume of

escort

an

Star of India,

it

in

them with

It furnishes

maharajas, nawabs,

in

states

of

native

assistant,

magistrate, a

the

flag-staflf,

and a salute of eleven

In very

many

cases the

India nominates a Political

the rank

of

Son-to-a-Lieut. -Go-

vernor, Son-in-Law-to-a-Lieut. -Governor, Son-

to-a-member-of-Council,
to-the- Governor- General.

elevated

to

the

or

Son-to-an-agent-

Those who are thus

Anglo-Indian

peerage need

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

morrow what they

have no thought for the

what they

shall do,

73

shall say, or

wherewithal

they shall be supplied with a knowledge of

Nature

Oriental language and occidental law.

clothes
lace

them with increasing

quantities of gold

and starry ornaments, and that charming,

unblushing, female Lord Lytton begs me

to write " maid "
Miss Anglo- Indian Pro-

if

among them

motion, goes skipping about

like

a joyful kangaroo.

The

are

Politicals

Greek chorus

in our

popular burlesque, " Empire/'

Secretary

Duke

of

and rajahs
as a

The Secretary
in the stalls

gallery

Exeter Hall,

the

pit

while

tried

State, with his

of

the

the

House of

London Press

classes

those naughty

to

the

Lord

Sir John, the

Professor Fawcett,

in

Mr. Hyndgenerally, in
little

Scotch

Duke and Monty Duff,

turn down the lights, per-

boys, the shock-headed

who once

(with
^').

East Indian Association,

man, and the criminal

the

super

the stage-box;

in

is

Commons

'^

the scene-shifter

is

manager.

the

nawabs

of

Buckingham

Meredith

council,

the prompter.

is

composed

The Foreign
The company is

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

74

vade the house with a policeman on their

As we enter the

horizon.

theatre a dozen

chiefs are dancing in the ballet to express their

joy

at

The

the termination of the Afghan

War.

clapping

their

political

are

choreutce

them by name and

hands, encouraging

point-

ing them out to the gallery.

The government

of a native state

and chuprassies, with

Political
vals,

for

am

is,

me

festi-

thing of

past.

and he ought to know,

so,

kind

of

the

Nowadays,

the

Viceroy's

Central
Staff,

he

my

is

of

informant

Agents undergo a

Political

regular training in a

for

superintendent

demi-official

assures me, the

in

faineant

Sundays and Hindu

told,

Thugs and Agents.

or

beautiful

clerks

Henderson, the imperial "Peeler/'

Colonel
tells

Agent

by

Madras Cavalry Regiment

Horse, or

India

and

if

on the

they have to take

charge of a Mahratta State they are obliged

to pass an

poetry.

examination

This

is

as

it

in

classical

ought to

be.

Persian

The

intri-

cacies of Oriental intrigue and the manifold

complication

of

tenure

and

revenue

that

entangle administrative procedure in the pro-

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

tected principalities,

unravel themselves

will

men who have

in presence of

75-

enjoyed such

advantages.

When

first

came out

to this country I

was

placed in charge of three degrees of latitude

and eight of longitude in Rajputana that I

The soil was
might learn the language.
the tenure feudal

sandy,

call it in

India), and the

Raja a lunatic by

by

nature

and

He had

been educated by his

dipsomaniac

and the hereditary Minister.

his

grandmamma and

were most anxious to

embarrassing

details

we

[zabardast, as

education.

grandmamma
I

found that

the hereditary Minister

relieve

of

me

of the

government,

most
so

handed them a copy of the Ten Commandments, underlining two that I thought might
be useful, and put them

in

Billy

Jones

but the

result

They

charge.

were old-fashioned in their methods

like

Sir

was admirable.

In two years the revenue was reduced from

ten to two lakhs of rupees, and the expenditure
proportionately increased.

bridge, a sum-

mer-house, and a school were built

the

longest

*'

and I wrote

Administration Report

''

that

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

76

has ever issued from the Zulmabad Residency.

When

I left

money was

two

so cheap and lightly

my

regarded that I sold

for

thousand rupees to grandmamma, with

many mutual expressions

a curtain

day.

buggy horse

old

and

of good-will

through

have not been paid to this

But since then the horse-market has been

ruined in the native states by these imperial

melas and durbars.

poor Political has no

chance against these Government

people,

who come down with

to the chiefs

mission of

my

India

of three-

no, won't say they

I should be having a com-

legged horses, and

them

of

strings

sell

khidmatgars sitting upon me,

Har Sahai, who was beaten by

Mr. Saunders, and Malhar Rao Gaikwar, who

like

poor

fancied his Resident was going to poison him.

I like to see a Political

up

at

that hoyden Promotion in her

bower.

It is

Simla wooing

own

sequestered

good to see Hercules toiling

the feet of Omphale.

good to see

It is

at

Pistol

upon leeks by Under-Secretaries and

women. How simple he is
How boyish he

fed

can be, and yet

leap frog at

how

intense

Annandale

he

will

He

will play

paddle about

DAY

ONE

in the stream below the

shoes

and stockings

the most

he

lets

distant

down

way

77"

IN INDIA.

water-falls

but
to

if

without

you allude in

rajas

or

durbars,

his face a couple of holes

talks like a weather prophet.

He

will

and

be so

interesting that

you can hardly bear

it;

interesting that

you

is

will feel sorry

talking to the Governor-General

hoff.

up

he

so

not

at Peter-

Ko. IX.

WITH THE COLLECTOR.

81

No. IX.

WITH THE COLLECTOR.

Was
that

it

not the Bishop of

man was

consciousness

The

Indian province

is

Government

an automaton

The

mirror of consciousness.
consciousness,

automaton.

Bombay who

said

an automaton plus the mirror of

and the

The

the

Secretariat

Collectors

Collector

every

of

plus

works,

is

form the

and

the

Secretariat observes and registers.

To

the people of India the Collector

Imperial Government.
welfare in the
isation.

He

He

is

the

watches over their

many facets which reflect our civilestablishes

schools, dispensaries,
6

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

82

and courts of

gaols,

He

justice.

the

levies

rent of their fields, he fixes the tariff,

and he

nominates to every appointment, from that of

road-sweeper or constable, to the great blood-

round the Court and Treasury.

sucking

offices

As

Boards of

for

Governors who

Revenue and Lieutenant-

come sweeping

occasionally

across the country, with their locust hosts of

servants and petty

officials,

occasional

nightmare;

General

a mere

is

they are but an

while

shadow

the

in the

of thought, half blended with

pany Bahadur

^'

The Collector

Governor-

background

" John Com-

and other myths of the dawn.

lives in a

long rambling bun-

galow furnished with folding chairs and

tables,

and in every way marked by the provisional

arrangements of camp
just

green
the
just

fields

little

life.

from out

arrived

He

seems

to

have

firmament of

of the

and mango groves that encircles

station

where he

lives

about to pass away into

it

or he seems

The

again.

shooting-howdahs are lying in the verandah,

the elephant of a neighbouring landowner

swinging his hind foot to and fro under a

or switching

is

tree,

up straw and leaves on to

his

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

back, a dozen
circle

83

camels are lying

making bubbling

rise

and

which

fly

away

fly

many white

whole establishment

wings on which the

district/'

in

and tents are

noises,

pitched here and there to dry, like so

about to

down

is

away into " the

the correct expression for

is

the vast expanse of level plain melting into

blue sky on the wide horizon-circle around.

The Collector

is

a bustling

He

man.

is

His multitudinous duties

always in a hurry.

succeed one another so fast that one

ended before the next begins,

is

never

mysterious

thing called ''the Joint" comes gleaning after

him,

I believe,

and completes the inchoate work.

The verandah

is

full

shopkeepers,

bankers,

have only come

ever so

little

to "

men

of fat black

They

clean linen waiting for interviews.

in

are

who

and landholders,

pay their respects," with

The

a petition as a corollary.

chuprassie-vultures hover

Each

about them.

of these obscene fowls has received a gratification from each of the clean fat
clean fat

men would

This import tax

is

men;

else the

not be in the verandah.

a wholesome restraint

the excessive visiting tendencies

of

upon

wealthy
6 *

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

84

men

Brass dishes

of colour.

filled

with pista-

chio nuts and candied sugar are ostentatiously

displayed here and there

tions
call

they are the obla-

ddli.

They represent

visiting cards of the

among

the

lofty point of observa-

Woolwich Infant
microscopicalsj
of schools,

to be

in his

and a

doctors,

and

Collector

social calibre, a

by

distinguished

own

district

he

is

community

little

and

his

a
of

engineers, inspectors

assistant magistrates, look

him as to a magnate.
They tell little stories of

eccentricities,

the

pine-trees,

mere carronade, not

;

natives

meagre West.

seems to be of the smallest

any proper name

the

in the profuse East the

Although from our

tion,

to

The English

would-be visitors.
these oflFerings " dollies "
of the

weaknesses and

his

wife

up

is

considered

person entitled ''to give herself airs " (within

the district)

if

she feels so disposed

while to

their high dinners is allowed the use of

pagne and "Europe" talk on

jects.

The

Collector

is

not,

cham-

aesthetic

sub-

however, per-

mitted to wear a chimney-pot hat and gloves

on Sunday

(unless he has

been in the Pro-

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

vincial Secretariat

as a boy)

85

a Terai

hat

is

sufficient for a Collector.

A Collector is
is

thought rather a pity

and he

Neology

undertones.

when he

usually a sportsman';

a poet, a correspondent, or a

is

ueologist

is

spoken of in

is

considered especially

The junior member

reprehensible.

it

of

the

Board of Revenue, or even the Commissioner

of a division

(if

he hepakka),

literal inspiration

good form
Bible.

may

but

of Genesis;

for a Collector to

question the
it

is

not

tamper with his

Collector should have no leisure for

opinions of any sort.

have said that a

sportsman.

made use

Collector

In this capacity he
of by

Governors, as he
to globe-trotters.

is

is

usually a

frequently

the Viceroy and long-shore

is

an adept

The

at

showing sport

villagers

who

live

on

the borders of the jungle will generally turn out

and beat

for the Collector,

and the petty chief

who owns the jungle always keeps

two

for district officers.

tiger

is

known

to be a domestic

for delicate noble lords

but a Collector's tiger

a tiger or

Political Agent's

animal suitable

travelling for health

is

often a wild beast,

ONE DAY

86

IN INDIA.

although usually reared upon

and accustomed

who

is

kills

Any common
is

Collector,

the fatted tiger for persons

with

distinction

of

The

to be driven.

always the most unselfish and hospitable

men, only

of

buflFalo calves

letters

of introduction.

jungle tiger, even a man-eater,

good enough

and his friends.

for himself

The Collector never ventures to approach

when on leave. At Simla people would

Simla,
stare

raise their eye -brows if they

and

that a Collector was on the

ask what

sort

heard

They would

hill.

of a thing a Collector

was.

The

Press Commissioner would be sent to

interview

send for

it.

it

The children

Collector

goes

where he

is

at Peterhoff

Naini

to

known

would

So the clodhopping

to play with.

Tal

either

or

as

Darjiling,

Ellenborough

Higgins, or Higgins of Gharibpur in territorial

fashion.

Here he

is

understood.

Here he

can bubble of his Bandobast, his Balbacha and

his

Bawarchikhana

and here he can speak

in

familiar accents of his neighbours, Dalhousie

Smith and Cornwallis Jones.

strides

All

day long he

up and down the club verandah with

old Haileybury

his

chum, Teignmouth Tompkins

87"

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

and they compare experiences of the huntingand

field

office,

and denounce in unmeasured

terms of Oriental vituperation the new sort

who move about >vith the Penal

Code under his arm and raeasui'es his authority

of civilian

by

statute, clause,

and section.

In England the Collector

is

to

be found

riding at anchor in the Bandicoot Club.

He

makes two or three hurried

his

native village,
gotten.

where he

cruises

to

finds himself half for-

The climate seems

This sours him.

worse than of old, the means of locomotion at

his disposal arc

inconvenient and expensive

he yearns for the sunshine and elephants of

Gharibpur, and returns an older and a quieter

The afternoon of life is throwing longer

stadows, the Acheron of promotion is gaping
man.

him

before
still

of

he

Revenue.

into a Commissionership

set in

No-

Facilis est descensus, etc.

thing will save

over.

falls

deeper into an officiating seat on the Board

him now

the gates of Simla

transmigration has
fly

Let us pray that his halo

open

may

it is

fit

all

him.

No.

BABY

IN PARTIBUS.

91

No. X.

BABY

IN PARTIBUS.

The Empire

has done less

Babies than

for

community.

Legislation provides

any

for

Anglo-Indian

class of the great exile

them with

neither rattle nor coral^ privilege

leave

nor

Papa has a Raja and Star of India

pension.

to play with

Mamma

the Warrant of Prece-

dence and the Hill Captains; but Baby has

nothing

not

without

the

even

missionary

amusement

of

the

Baby

is

meanest

cannibal

Baby

is

debarred from the society

of his

92

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

compatriots.

His father

is

cramped and frozen

with the chill cares o office; his mother

is

deadened by the gloomy routine of economy

and fashion

custom

lies

upon her with a

weight heavy as frost and deep almost as

life

the fountains of natural fancy and mirth are

frozen over; so
soft

Baby

dawn

lisps his

Oriental accents, wakening

echoes

among

pseans in

harmonious

those impulsive and impression-

able children of Nature

who masque themselves

and Ayahs and

in the black slough of Bearers

Baby blubbers in Hindustani.

These Ayah and Bearer people sit with
Baby in the verandah on a little carpet;
broken toys and withered flowers

alesis,

passes

lie

around.

Baby some old-world katabaukwhile beauty, born of murmuring sound,

into Baby^s eyes.
The squirrel sits

They croon

to

on

chirruping familiarly

verandah with his

uncracked

pericarp

tail

in

the

in the
his

edge
air

of

the

and some

uplifted

hands,

the kite circles aloft and whistles a shrill and

mournful note, the sparrows chatter, the crow

clears

his

throat,

the minas scream

discor-

dantly, and Baby's soft, receptive nature thus

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

Very soon Baby

absorbs an Indian language.

from right to

will think

93

left,

and

will lisp

in

the luxuriant bloom of Oriental hyperbole.

In the evening Baby

go out for an

will

and Ayah, and while

airing with the Bearer

they dawdle along the dusty road, or

on culvert parapets, he

kerb-stones and
to the

listen

He

sorrows.

will

extensile

tale

of their

on

will

simple

with a sigh, that the

will hear,

petty

of

profits

sit

larceny

are

declining;

he

be taught to regret the increasing in-

firmities

of

his Papa's temper; and portraits

in sepia of his

Mamma

will

him

laughter

mingled with dark

to

excite

Thus there

impulsive words.

be observed by

will

pass into

Baby's eyes glances of suspicious questionings,

" the blank misgivings of a creature moving
about in worlds not realised."

In the long summer days Baby

listlessly

about the darkened rooms accom-

panied by his suite,

Maw's

will patter

who

carry a feeding bottle

Patent Feeding Bottle

Sergeant-at-Arms carries the mace

time

to

squat

down on

time,

little

Mister

^just

as the

and, from

Speaker

his dear little haras

will

and take a

ONE DAT IN INDIA.

94

refreshing pull

luncheon

time

At breakfast and

two.

or

Speaker

Mister

little

will

straggle into the dining-room, and fond parents

him

will give

many

a tid-bit of

soft dainties,

washed down with brandy and water,

to be

On

beer, sherry, or other alcoholic draught.

such broken meals Baby

The

drawn face, etiolated and wearyrecommends sleep but Baby is a bad

The Bearer-in-waiting carries about

little

looking,
sleeper.

a small pillow

time Baby
cries,

raised.

is

is

day long, and from time to

all

applied to

He

it.

frets

and

and they brood over him humming some

old Indian song.

Still

he turns restlessly and

whimpers, though they pat him and shampoo

him fond names and

him, and

call

soothing

stories

woolly sheep.

even Indian

of

mud

patience

is

make

like to slip

and

Both
away

pull at the fragrant

and a gossip with the

is

sleep,

exhausted.

to

houses at the other end of the com-

pound and have a

Baba

him

bulbuls and flowers and

But Baby does not

Ayah and Bearer would

their

tell

but while Sunny

and might

at

any moment

on Mamma, who

is

dozing over a

at large,

a raid

saices

huqqa

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

novel on a spider-chair near the

96

mouth

of the

therraantidote, the Ayah and Bearer dare not

So Sunny Baba

charge.

their

leave
sleep,

and the Bearer has

waist-cloth a

little

sleep- compeller,

in the

must
of his

folds

black fragment of the awful

and Baby

drugged into a

is

deep uneasy sleep of delirious, racking dreams.

Day by day Baby grows

paler,

day by day

thinner, day by day a stranger light burns in

bonny

his

Weird

eyes.

thoughts

sweep

through Baby^s brain, weird questions startle

Mamma
she

is

Ayah

out of the golden languors in which

steeped, weird words frighten the gentle

The current

as she fondles her darling.

of babble and laughter has almost ceased to

Baby

flow.

lies

He

some old watchword

takes

him
on

the Ayah^s

of fun

but makes no response.

him tenderly

to the

verandah

lap

clasps a broken toy

His Bearer comes with

with wasted fingers.

faintly,

in

silent

stariug at the ceiling.

in
;

his

Baby smiles
The old man

arms and

Baby's head

falls

carries

heavily

bis shoulder.

The outer world

lies

dimly round Baby

within, strange shadows are flitting by.

The

ONE DAY IN

96

INDIA.

pressing heavily upon the spirit

wee body

is

Baby

becoming conscious of the burthen.

He

is

will

be quiet for hours on his

little

does not sleep, but he dreams.

and

cot

he

Earth's joys

lights are fast fading out of those resilient

eyes;

Baby's

spirit is

of eternity, and

waiting on the shores

hears "the

already

mighty

waters rolling evermore."

The broken

toys

swept away into

are

corner, a silence and fear has fallen

tress seeks
salts,

weep,

servants

household, black

refuge in headache

upon the

their

mis-

and smelling

the hard father feels a strange, an irre-

pressible welling

up of

little

before.

If he could

He

memories.

loves the golden haired boy; he hardly

it

knew

only hear once more

the merry laugh, the chatter and the shout-

ing
will

But he cannot hear

it

any more

never hear his child's voice again.

he

Baby

has passed into the far-away Thought- World.

Baby

is

now only

dream and a memory, only

the recollection of a music that

more.

Baby has crossed

is

heard no

that cloudy, storm-

driven bourn of speculation and fear whither

we

are all tending.

97

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

A few white bones upon a lonely sand,

A rotting corpse beneath the meadow grass,
That cannot hear the footsteps as they pass,
Memorial urns pressed by some foolish hand

Have been for all the goal of troublous fears,

Ah! breaking hearts and faint eyes dim with tears.
And momentary hope by breezes fanned
To flame that ever fading falls again.

And

leaves but blacker night and deeper pain,

Have been the mould

every land.

of hfe in

Baby is planted out for evermore in the

dank and weedy little cemetery that lies on the
outskirts of the station where he lived and
Those

died.

golden

curls,

those

and

soft

rounded limbs, and that laughing mouth, are

given up to darkness and the eternal hunger

Through sunshine and rain,

through the long days of summer, through
of corruption.

the long nights of winter, for ever, for ever.

Baby

lies

silent

waving grass.

and dreamless under that

The bee

will

hum

overhead for

evermore, and the swallow glance

cypress.

The

butterfly

will

and ages among the rank flowers

still

lie

there.

cheeks are pale;

it,

Come
it

among

the

flutter for ages

Baby

away, come away

will

your

cannot be, we cannot believe

we must not remember

it

other

Baby
7

98

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

kindle our

voices will

toys will pass to other

change; we

life

and

Baby's

love,

Baby hands.

All will

will change.

Yet, darling, but come back to

me

Whatever change the years have wrought,

I

lind not yet one lonely

That

cries against

mv

thought

wish for thee.

No. XI.

THE RED CHUPRA8SIE;

OR,

THE CORRUPT LICTOR.

7 *

101

No. XI.

THE RED CHITPRASSIE

OR,

The

red

THE CORRUPT LICTOR.*

chuprassie

board skeleton, the

Home

little rift

chuprassie

Administration.

our Colorado beetle,

is

our potato disease, our

red-coated

cancer

is

To be

Ruler, our cup-

cheerfully undergo.

The

chnprassieB

India.

who

are

rid

of

it

in

there

our
is

we would not

You might

official

The

in our lute.

hardly any surgical operation

Imperial livery,

extract

mesBengere,

the

wearing

arc attached to all civil officers in

ONE DAY

102

INDIA.

TN

Bishop of Bombay, amputate the Governor ol

Madras, put a seton in the pay and allowances

we

of the Lieutenant-Governor of Bengal, and

should smile.

The red chuprassie

the verandah of every

is

ubiquitous

official's

lie

from the Governor-General downwards

in the portico of every

is

in

house in India,
he

is

Court of Justice, every

Treasury, every Public Office, every Govern-

ment School, every Government Dispensary

He

in the country.

lector

walks behind the Col-

he follows the conservancy carts

prowls about the candidate for employment

hovers over the accused and accuser
the Raja

He
entire

he

he

he haunts

he infests the tax-payer.

wears the Imperial livery

population of India

British Rule

he

is

the

he

is

to tiie

exponent

the mother-in-law of

of

liars,

the high-priest of extortioners, and the receivergeneral of bribes.

Through
of

India

this refracting

see

their

medium

paints his master in colours

own

black heart.

Every

insinuation he throws out,

the people

The chuprassie

rulers.

lie

drawn from
he

tells,

his

every

every demand he

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

makes,

He

is

endorsed with

is

station,

no

is

no

city

little

in

name.

master's

his

the arch-slanderer of our

There

103

name

in India.

no

mofussil-

India,

settlement of

far-up

officials

country, in which the chuprassie does not find

sworn brothers and confederates.

and

cherry clerks

everywhere
on his

He

the

cut-

him

are with

police

higher native

The

officials

often

are

side.
sits

Collector's

the

at

no native

and

dare approach

who has not

with money.

The candidate

educated in our

all

the rest of

justice, political

it,

pays

him

receiving office or promotion,

flow in from

all

The

palm.

him

addresses

with joined hands as " Maharaj,"

place-hunter

him

employment,

and pregnant with

schools,

silver into his itching

visitor

conciliated
for

words about purity, equality,

economy, and

custom in the

receipt of

verandah,

feudal

and

slips

successful
relief

on

and benevolences

who have anything

to

hope or

fear from those in power.

In the Native States the chuprassie flourishes

rampantly.

He

regular

salary

through their representatives or vakils

at the

receives

ONE DAY

104

from

agencies,

about, and on

all

all

durbars,

visits,

IN INDIA.

the

native

round

chiefs

occasions of visits or return

religious

or

festivals,

public

ceremonials, he claims and receives preposte-

rous fees.

The Rajas, whose dignity

exceedingly delicate,

stand

They

the chuprassies.

is

great

in

always
fear of

believe that on public

occasions the chuprassies have sometimes the

power of sicklying them

o'er with

pale

the

cast of neglect.

English

ofl&cers

peanised from

who have become de-Euroresidence among undo-

long

by the

mesticated natives,

or

formance

ceremonial

of

petty

Oriental hue,
their

dise

habitual

per-

duties of

an

employ chuprassies to aggran-

importance.

They always

figure

on a background of red chuprassies.

Such

what Lord

White

officials

are

Lytton

calls

Baboos.

great Maharaja once told

the tyranny of the

that

it

was

He spoke of
to drink.
" the Pindarries of modern India."

made him take

that

them

He

me

Government chuprassies

as

had a theory that the small pay we gave

them accounted

for

their evil courses.

(A

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

105

chuprassie gets about eight pounds sterling a

He

year.)

added that

if

on seven rupees a month

we saw

a chuprassie

living overtly at the

we ought immediately to
appoint him an attache or put him in gaol.
I make a simple rule in my own establishment of dismissing a chuprassie as soon as he
begins to wax fat.
A native cannot become

rate of a thousand,

rich without

waxing

primarily enjoyed

means

of

His

sit

upon

He

it.

his rupees,

greasy

digs a hole in the

up.

large

in

is

ground

to
for

like a great

you see a native

sitting very

If

hard on the same place

find

food

secondary enjoyment

and broods over them,

obscene fowl.

will

is

by the mild Gentoo as a

jirocuring

quantities.

because wealth

fat,

it

Shares

day

after

worth your while to

in

are

this

better

day, you
dig

him

than

the

Madras gold mines.

In early

Company

was a baby,

the

when the Empire

days,

European writers

regarded

who

with a kindly eye those profuse Orientals

went about bearing

gifts

but

Lord

closed this branch of the business, and

been taken

up by our

scarlet

Clive
it

has

runners,

or

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

106

verandah parasites, in our name.

may

Vanity, you

me

call

Now,

any other marine term of endearment you

if

I don't think the old plan

of the

We

two.

corruption decently

we

to lose the credit of a

profits of a

could

conduct

but to be responsible for

corruption over which

is

by

like,

was the better

ourselves
;

dear-

a Russophile, or

exercise

no control

good name and the

bad one.

I hear that the

Government

of India pro-

poses to form a mixed committee of Rajas and

chuprassies

to

discuss

the

question

as

ta

whether native chiefs ever give bribes and native

servants ever take them.

It is expected that a

report favourable to Indian morality will be the

result.

preside.

Of course Raja Joe Hookham

will

No. XII.

THE
A

PL

A JN T E K

FARMER PRINCE.

;.

109

xn.

No.

THE PLANTER
A FABMEE PBINCE.

The

He

lives in state

He

the Lord of Burleigh.

old English

old rate.
;

he

a hero.

He

all

lived fifty

and bounty,

He

his old

lives in a

lives in

mansion

is

estate,

at a bountiful

grand wholesale man-

round numbers

Everything

like

lives like that fine

gentleman who had an old

and who kept up

ner

we

Planter lives to-day as

years ago.

he

lives like

Homeric about him.

establishes himself firmly in the land with

great joy and plenty

and he gathers round

110

ONE DAY

him

makes

that

all

IN INDIA.

aud

t'ull-toned

life

har-

monious, from the grand timbre of draught-ale

and

organ-thunder of hunting,

the

piccolo

the

to

and tintinnabulum of Poker and marasHis

chino.

a fresco-painting, on which

life is

some Cyclopaean Raphaelite has poured

from

rainbows

his

of

hundred

meanly

in

pen-and-

fire-engine

elephant-power.

We

paltry officials live

ink sketches.

Our

little

life is

bounded by a

We

dream of promotion and pension.

slave

We

we put by money, we pinch

are hardly

world, with

summer

its

seas,

fit

to live

in

sunshine

and

ing

it

its

its
its

go moping

glories in green spectacles, befoul-

with our loathsome statistics and reports.

The sweet

air of heaven,

the blue firmament,

and the everlasting

hills

poisoned

we make

little

flowers,

We

we

beautiful

laughing girls and grapes,

its

Garnet Wolseleys and bulbuls.

through

this

toil,

ourselves.

hearts;

so

tin-pot world of

rupees, graded

lists,

do not satisfy our

to ourselves a

blotted-paper, debased

and

tinsel

honours

we

try to feed our lungs on its typhoidal effluvia.

Aroint

thee,

Comptroller

and Accountant-

ONE DAY IN
'General, with

all

Ill

IN1>IA.

thy griesly crew

Thou

art

worse than the blind Fury with the abhorred

shears

thou

for

my

slittest

thin-spun-pay-

wearing spectacles, thrice branded varlet

Dear Vanity, of course you understand that

I

do not allude to the amiable old gentleman

who
is

who

controls our Accounts Department,

The person

the mirror of tenderness.

my own

would impale

is a

a mere

type struck in frenzied fancy.

official

creation of

wrath,

Let us soothe ourselves by contemplating

the Planter and his generous, simple

calms one to look

at

He

him.

placid, strong, and easeful.

is

life.

It

something

"Without wishing

to appear obsequious, I always feel disposed to

money when

borrow
Planter.

He

strong hand

mysteriously in

He

lives

substantial
I

grasp his

I take him (figuratively) to

heart, while the desire to

Tip

meet a

inspires confidence.

my

my

wells

bosom.

in a grand

rounded by ancient

bank with him

old

trees.

upon one another on every

bungalow,

sur-

Large rooms open

side in long vistas

a broad and hospitable-looking verandah girds

all.

Everywhere trophies of the chase meet

ONE DAY IN

112

We

the eye.
recline

INDIA.

walk upon cool mattiug

upon long-armed

punkahs swing overhead

chairs

low

and.

we

heavy

a sweet breathing of

wet khaskhas grass comes sobbing out of the

thermantidote

khidmatgar

and

gigantic

a child

him

This man's

in a caressing tone,

grateful for any

Heart,

near

little

We

stables.

My

known

deal shaken.
I

have

an

copiously,

The

and he

me

Mr. Great-

" Jamie

Mac-

over the factory

am

not

and

beaniest

killed,

thirst,

passionately.

my

hand.

and I drink

My

out-

chair and I stiffen into an attitude of rest.

my

my
I

host splashing and singing in his tub.

Breakfast

and

of

but a good

glass trembles in

stretched legs are reposing on the arms of

hear

is

have been out since early

absorbing
almost

friend
as

morning on the jumpiest

Waler mares.

say to

attention of this sort.

noon.

familiarly

lao ";

is

and

it,

I often

"Peg

donald,' has been taking

and

name

but he means nothing by

might play with him.

It is

gentle

always at our elbow with long

is

glasses on a silver tray.

Nubby Bux,

but

is

liberal spirit.

meal conceived in a large

We

pass from dish to dish

113^^

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

through

the compass

all

diapason closing

banquet, the

Several joyful

whose appetites would take

assistants,
class

honours

join

the

"What

of

in beer.

full

at

any university or

hunt and are well in

tales are told

at the beer.

that Miss

I feel glad

Mrs. Mary

Harriet Martineau,

and Dr. Watts are not present.

first-

show,

cattle

Somerville,

keep looking

round to see that no bishop comes into the

room.

a comfort to

It is

Bishop Heber
five

years ago

but

if at this

to enter, or
like heart

is

dead.

when

me

to think that

I gave up blushing

I entered the Secretariat

moment

Sir

William Jones were

Mr. Whitley Stokes with

his child-

and his Cymric vocabulary, I believe

I should be strangely affected.

The

day welters on

In

billiards.

Planters drop in, and

whist

to the polo

merry men
fastest

of

game

drink and
more joyful

through

afternoon

the

we

ground, where

Tirhoot play the

that

the

From

play a rubber.

see

the

and

best

world can show.

At

night high carousals and potations pottle deep.

Next morning
khadar

of

the

sees

the

river,

entire party

mounted

in the

on Arabs,
8

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

114

armed with

Jamie Macdonald's

spears, hunting

Caledonian

These Scotchmen

boar.

never

forget their nationality.

And

while these joyful Planters

the indigo

rejoicing,

While they

round.

growing

is

play^

are thus

silently

all

Nature works

for

he
So does the patient black man
smokes his huqqa and keeps an eye on the

them.

rising crop.

You

will

have learnt from Mr. Caird that in-

digo grows in cakes (the ale

imported)

is

to his

description of the process of manufacture I can

only add that the juice

You

in the vernacular.

is

generally expressed

give a cake of the raw

material to a coloured servant, you stand over

him

to

see that he doesn't eat

him slowly

assistant canes

juice into a blue bottle.

of the refuse

as

Blue

it,

and your

he squeezes the
pills are

made

your female servants use aniline

any one

dies in

any other way you can refuse him the

rites of

dyes

and there you

cremation

him not

fine

to do

are.

If

him four annas

it

again.

This

is

question in Tirhoot and occasions

gation.

and warn
a burning

much

liti-

ONE DAY

116

IN INDIA.

Jamie Macdonald has now a contract for

Tommy

dyeing the blue ribbons of the Turf;

Begg has taken the blue boars and the Oxford

Blues
and Bobby Thomas does the bluebooks and the True Blues. It may not be
generally known that the aristocracy do not
;

employ

dyes

aniline

for

do

blue

bonnets,

blue

stockings,

business

blue beards, and blue coats.

formation

you

of

Mr.

to

kind

this

blue

their

The minor Planters

blood.

chiefly

in

blue bottles,

For more

in-

can only refer

Caird and the Nineteenth

Cen-

tury.

Some

Planters grow tea, coffee,

of-pearl, pickles,

but

now

scientific,

lac.

mother-

poppadums and curry powder

am becoming

encyclopaedic and

and trespassing on ground already

taken up by the Famine Commission.

camels who roam over the

now by the wild

mango fields, but a

good deal of damage

done to the prickly

Fewer Planters

pear-trees.

Mr.

are killed

is still

Cunningham has

an interesting note on
still

this.

Rewards

to be offered for dead tigers

who have

died of starvation.

written

have

and persons
'^

When
8 *

the

ONE DAY

116

Government

will

not give a doit to relieve a

lame beggar, they

dead Indian/'

IN INDIA.

will

lay out

ten to see a

No. XIII.

THE EURASIAN;
A STUDY IN CHIARO-OSCURO.

119

No. xni.

THE EURASIAN;
A STUDY IN CHIARO-OSCURO.

The Anglo-Indian has

colour.
He will mark

very

the rupee " with unerring certainty

He

suspect smaller coin.

can

detect an

eye for

fine

clown " one

will tell

adulterated

anna in
;

he

will

you how he

European by

his

knuckles, his nails, his eyebrows, his pronunciation of the vowels,

and

his

conception of

propriety in dress, maimer, and conduct.

To the thoroughbred Anglo-Indian, whose

blood has distiled

through

Hailevbury for

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

120

three generations, and whose cousins to the

fourth degree are Collectors and Indian

the Eurasian, however

Colonels,
be,
is

is

he

may

Mrs. Ellenborough Higgins

a bete noir.

always setting or pointing at black blood.

And sometimes
He

objectionable.
sly,

indolent,

the whitey-brown
is

sensuous,

clammy hand,

obsequious,

and,

He

manner

man

is

vain, apt to take offence,

" unstable as water."

a

fair

Army

like

Reuben,

has a facile smile,

either forward

a mincing gait,

or

and not always

the snowiest linen.

Towards

natives

haughty, and

Eurasian

and

this

is

no concealing the

mild Gentoo the Eurasian

is

cold,

is

attitude

is

and hatred.

with interest, in scorn

repaid,

There

formal

the

fact that to the

a very distasteful

object.

But having

said this, the case for the prose-

cution closes, and

soft

we may turn

and gentle graces which

to the

the

many

Eurasian

developes.

In

all

Eurasian

the
is

relations

admirable.

a circumspect husband,

of

He

family
is

life

the

a dutiful son,

and an affectionate

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

He

father.

121

seldom runs through a fortune;

he hardly ever elopes with a young lady of

fashion
his

he

not in the habit of cutting off

is

son with a shilling;

and he

an infre-

is

quent worshipper in that Temple of Separation

where Decrees Nisi sever the Gordian knots

of

Hymen.
As a citizen he

speak

at

zealously loyal.

is

municipal

meetings,

He

write

will

letters

about drainage and conservancy to the papers,

observe local holidays in his best clothes, and

attend funerals.

The Eurasian

is

a methodical

and

trust-

worthy clerk, and often occupies a position of

great

and

trust

He

offices.

bat he

not bold or original, like Sir

is

Andrew Clerk

responsibility in our public

or amusing, like Mr. Stokes

does what work

is

given

him

to do

without overstepping the modesty of nature.

The Eurasian
ful

and,

be weak,

charm
the

girl is often pretty

and grace-

the solution of India in her veins

there

is

an unconventionality and

sometimes which

naivete

of

if

and which,
110th

my

undoubtedly has a

dear friend, J.

Clodhoppers

(Lord Cardwell's

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

122

Own

Clodhoppers) never could resist

though upon her

lips there

the tehi-tchi tongue/'

"

What

hung the accents of

i

good many Eurasians who are not clerks

in public offices,

or

telegraph

They

merchants, are loafers.

signallers,

or

are passed on

wherever they are found, to the next station,

and thus they are kept in healthy circulation

throughout India,

They

are

employment on the railway

in search of

but

as a pro-

meet the more imme-

visional arrangement, to
diate

all
;

and pressing exigencies of

life,

they will

They are mainly

supported by municipalities, who keep them
accept a small

in

brandy,

gratuity.

and railway-tickets out of

rice,

Workhouses

funds raised for this purpose.

and Malacca canes have

still

to be tried.

Bishop Gell's plan for colonising the Laccadives

and Cocos with these loafers has not

met with much acceptance

at Simla.

The

Home

Secretary does not see from what Im-

perial

fund they can be supplied with bathing-

drawers and barrel-organs

know that
Lucknow of

but

the

Home

Secretary ought to

there

thropic society at

the disinterested.

is

a philan-

DAY IN INDIA.

OlfE

romantic,

Turnerelli

type,

clothing to Eno's fruit

A great many

ready to furnish

young colony, from under-

the wants of a

all

123

salt.

wise proposals emanate from

Simla as regards some

artificial

future for the

One Ten-thousand-pounder

asks

Creation in a petulant tone of surprise

why

Eurasian.

make

Creation does not

penter

the Eurasian a car-

another looks round the windy

hills

and wonders why somebody does not make

the Eurasian a high farmer.
are

surprised

become

that

The shovel hats

the Eurasian

does

not

a missionary, or a schoolmaster, or a

The
policeman, or something of that sort.
"
"
the white
Deport him
native papers say,
;

prints say, "

Make him

Eurasian himself says, "

sioner, or give

me

Make me

a pension."^

time, while nothing

at the

a soldier "

is

being done, we can

rail

are.

on the thrones

In a purple subhmity,

And

grind

To

There

sit

Commis-

In the mean-

Eurasian for not being as we

" Let us

and the

is

no

down men's bones

a pale unanimity."

proper classification

of

the

ONE DAY

124

mixed race in India

IN INDIA.

as there

is

The convenient term quadroon,

in America.

for instance,

instead of " four annas in the rupee/'

is

quite

unknown the consequence is that everyone

from Anna Maria de Souza, the "Portu;

guese " cook, a nobleman on whose cheek the

would leave a white mark,

best shoe-blacking

to

Miss

pretty

Bombay

Italian princess

Do you know,
impossible

that

Pillars), the

Courtney,

Fitzalan

who

Fencibles,
is

called

of

as white

is

as

the

an

an " Eurasian/'

dear Vanity, that

King Asoka

(of

it

the

is

not

Edict

" Coustantine of Buddhism," was

an Eurasian.

I have not

got

the works of

Arrian, or Mr. Leithridge's " History of the

World

" at hand, but I have

of Sandracottus,

or

some

recollection

one of Asoka's fathers

or grandfathers, marrying a Miss Megasthenes,

or Seleucus.

they

call

us "

With such memories, no wonder

Mean

Whites.

''

No. XIV.

THE VILLAGER.

127

No. XIV.

THE VILLAGEK.
"Venio nnnc ad voluptates agricolarum, quibus ego
Famine Commissioners) incredibiliter delector.'

(like the

I MISSED two people at the Delhi Assemblage

All the gram-fed secretaries and

1877.

of

most of the alcoholic

chiefs

were there

but

the famine-haunted villager and the deliriumshattered, opium-eating

to pay the
I

bill,

cannot

riot.^'

He

who had

were not present.

understand

English newspapers
a "

Chinaman,

call

why Viceroys and

the Indian cultivator

never amounts to a riot

if

you

ONE DAY IN

128

treat

He may

him properly.

crowd sometimes

embody him

INDIA.

but that

be a disorderly

is

only when you

him

in a police force or convert

The atomic disembodied

into cavalry.

villager

has no notion of rioting, ga-ira singing, or any

the

of

tomfooleries

When

frivolous.

revolution.

of

men who

pastimes are for

our villager wants to realise

a political idea, he dies of famine.

about

it

This has

a certain air of seriousness.

will not die of

These

are both idle and

A man

famine unless he be in earnest.

Lord Bacon^s apothegm was that Eating

maketh a full man ; and
give

the starving

it

would be better to

cultivator

report of that Commission

name without
to

tears

Bacon than the

(which

we cannot

and laughter) which goes

work on the assumption that writing maketh

a full man

that

of paper will

fill

to write over a certain area

the collapsed cuticles of the

agricultural class throughout India.

When

the idea of holding famines was

first

started, I proposed to illustrate the project

by

stopping the pay and allowances of the Go-

vernment of India for a month.

not listen

to

my

proposal.

But they did

People seldom

ONE DAT IN INDIA.

listen to

that

my

proposals

accounts

this

129

and sometimes

my

for

I think

constitutional

melancholy.

You

"

What has all this talk of

food and famine to do with the villager ? "
I
reply, " Everything.'^
Famine is the horizon
will

ask,

of the Indian villager; insufficient food

And

foreground.

this

dinary since the villager

dreamland of plenty.

The

village

and

its

is

the

extraor-

surrounded by a

is

Everywhere you see

deep with

flooded

fields

more

the

is

and wheat.

millet

old trees have to climb

on

to a knoll to keep their feet out of the glorious

Sump-

poppy and the luscious sugar-cane.

cream-coloured bullocks move sleepily

tuous

about with an air of luxurious sloth

Brahmans

their

utter

lazy

and sleek

prayers

while

bathing languidly in the water and sunshine

Even the

of the tank.
to

do but

mersed

in

float

the livelong

the

bulrushes.

steeped in repose.
idylls

their

among

buffaloes have nothing

day deeply imEverything

The bees murmur

the flowers

the

doves

moan

amorous complaints from the shady

age of pipal trees

is

their

leaf-

out of the cool recesses of

9

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

130

wells the idle cooing

the pigeons ascends

of

into the summer-laden air

the rainbow-fed

chameleon slumbers on the branch

amelled beetle on the leaf; the
the sparkling depths below
fisher,

the en-

fish in

little

the radiant king-

tremulous as sunlight, in mid-air; and

the peacock, with furled glories, on the temple

tower of the silent gods.

and luscious splendour the

Amid

this easeful

villager labours

and

starves.

Reams

of hiccoughing platitudes lodged in

Home

of the

the pigeon-holes

Office by

aL

the gentlemen clerks and gentlemen farmers

of the world

cannot

mend

While the

this.

Indian villager has to maintain the glorious

phantasmagoria of an imperial policy, while

he has to support legions of scarlet
golden chuprassies, purple

stricken, over-driven

Who
If

cares

if

of

phantom he

Thought

the lightning

Old England

throne and her

soldiers,

and green

must remain the hunger-

commissions, he

While the eagle

politicals,

is

is

rides the

is.

tempest

burning the

in scorn,

com ?

going to maintain her

swagger in our vast Orient

ONE DAY

she ought to pay up like a

to

say

You can

and deuced

man, I was going

Sanscrit

according to the old

for,

proverb, "

131

IN INDIA.

little

get nothing for nothing,

for a

unpaid-for glories bring

halfpenny/'

These

nothing but shame.

But even the poor Indian cultivator has

Revenue Boards

his joys beneath the clouds of

If we look closely
we may see a soft glory resting upon
am not Mr. Caird, and I do not intend

and Famine Commissions.

at his life
I

it.

entering into the technical details of agriculture

" Quid de

utilitate loquar stercorandi ?

''

but I would say something of that sweetness

which a

close

communion with

heaven must shed upon the

labour in the

God

fields.

earth

and

silence of lonely
is

ever

with the

cultivator in all the manifold sights

and sounds

world of His.

In that

of this

marvellous

mysterious temple of the Dawn, in which we

of noisy mess-rooms, heated courts, and dusty
offices are
is

a priest.

infrequent worshippers, the peasant

There he

fears for rain

offers

and sunshine

up

his

hopes and

there he listens to

the anthems of birds we rarely hear, and interprets auguries that for us have little meaning.
9 *

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

132

The

beast of prey skulking back to his

lair,

the stag quenching his thirst ere retiring to

the depths of the forest, the wedge of wild
fowl flying with trumpet notes to some distant

the vulture hastening in heavy flight to

lake,

the carrion that night has provided, the crane

flapping

to

shuffling

along to his

the

have each and

all

Day, with

eye.

and

shallows,

Nature,

What

the

there

its

fierce glories, brings the

amid the

cultivator
is

oblivion,

and he

God

and under

life,

of

soft pulsations

his

lives

day-dream.

of squalor, and drudgery, and

carking care in his

his

jackal

their portent to the initiated

throbbing silence of intense

flickering shade,

the

shelter in the nullah,

is

with the

melts into

life

man

a brief

in the presence of

holy stillness of Nature

brooding over him. With lengthening shadows

comes labour and a re-awaking.

once more

full

fine whistle of

The

of all sweet sounds,

the stir and buzzing chatter of

egret

among

has

is

the kite, sailing with supreme

dominion through the azure depths of

crickets

air

from the

the leaves

resumed

his

little

and

fishing

grass.
in

air, to

birds

and

The

the tank

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

where the rain
sugar-cane

stored for the poppy and

is

fields,

183

the sand-pipers bustle along

the margin, or wheel

in

silvery clouds

little

over the bright waters, the gloomy cormorant

sits

alert

on the stump of a dead

the

little

black divers hurry in and out of the

weeds, and

and

ever

anon shoot under the

water in hot quest of some tiny

machinery

and our

and death

of life

villager

date-tree,

shouts

fish

is

the whole

in full

his patient

to

play,

oxen

Then gradual darkness,

and food with homely joys, a little talk, a
and

lives

his

life.

tobacco, a

little

few sad

songs, and kindly

sleep.

The

villages are of

immemorial antiquity

their names, their traditions, their hereditary

offices

have come down out of the dim past

through countless generations.

over

History sweeps

them with her trampling armies and her

changing

conquerors,

her

shifting laws

sweeps

over

dynasties and her

them and

leaves

them unchanged.

The

village

is

self-contained.

plete organism, protoplastic

the chlorophyll

it

It is a

may

of age colouring

be,

comwith

its institu-

ONE DAY IN

134

but

tions,
entity.

none

bition.

demands, and

is

unknown

living

everything that
it

has no am-

office

roll

boxes up the

learn a lesson here

We

in the village.

are always striving to

and our

perfect,

The torment of frustrated hope and

of supersession

who

the less

It has within itself

existence

its

INDIA..

our prospects

hill to

may

Simla

Sisyphus in vita quoque nobis ante oeulos est

Qui petere a populo fasces saovasque secures
Imbibit et semper victus tristiaque recedit.
Nam petere imperium quod inanest nee datur umquam,

Atque in eo semper durum sufferre laborem,

Hoc est adverso nixantem trudere monte
Saxum quod tamen e summojam vertice rusum
Volvitur et plani raptim petit aiquora campi.

In

this idyllic existence, in which, as I

said, there is

no ambition,
There

are also wanting.

News

the pale of intelligence.

be

bliss.

existence

other

for instance,

is,

The

in the village.

several

have
ills

no

village is without

This

must indeed

Just fancy, dear Vanity, a state of

in which

discoveries,

no

there are no politics, no

travels,

no speculations,

no

Garnet Wolseleys, no Gladstones, no Captain

Careys, no Sarah Bernhardts

If there be a

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

heaven upon earth,

it is

Press Cominissioner

sits

135

surely here.

on the

Here no

hillside croak-

ing dreary translations from the St. Peters-

burg press
Sir

here no Pioneer sings catches with

John Strachey

But here the

in Council.

lark sings in heaven for evermore, the sweet

corn

grows

below,

and

the

villager,

these quiet joys with which earth

dreams

his

low

life.

fills

amid

her lap,

No.

XV.

THE OLD COLONEL.

139

No. XV.

THE OLD COLONEL.

Kwaihaipeglaoandjeldikaro."

The

old Indian Colonel ripening for pension^

on the
once
has

Rigmarole Veda.

shelf of General

pitiful

Duty

is

and ludicrous.

ebbed away

from

melancholy derelict

an object at

His profession

and he

him,

lies

on the shore, with

flapping idly against the mast

sails

and meaningless

pennants streaming in the wind.

He

has forgotten nearly everything he ever

learnt of military duty, and

forgotten has been changed.

what he has not

It is as

muck

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

140

can do to keep up with the most ad-

as he

vanced thoughts

the

of

buttons and gold lace.

Horse
Yet he

Guards on
is

em-

still

ployed sometimes to turn out a guard, or to

swear that "the Service

though he has
has

still

is

going,'"'

&c.

and

nerve for riding, he

his

lost

good seat on a boot-lace com-

mittee.

He

is

a very methodical old

an early hour,

at

the Mall

some

man.

down

strolls

He

rises

on

to the club

perhaps the Wheler Club, perhaps

other

has

his

tea,

and

newspaper,

gossip there, and then back to his small bun-

After breakfast he arrays himself for

galow.

the day in some

nondescript white uniform,

and with a forage cap stuck gaily on one

side

of his head, a cheroot in his mouth, and

large white umbrella

sallies forth to the

in

Club.

his

An

hand, he again
old horse

is

led

behind him.

Now
begins
six

the

to

serious

business

of

get through the day.

life

again

There are

newspapers to read, twelve pegs to drink,

four-and-twenty Madras cheroots to smoke,

there

is

kindly

tiffin to

linger over, forty winks

ONE DAT IN INDIA.

afterwards, a

game

of billiards, the band

the Mall, dinner, and over

all,

Everyone

the

likes
says,

''

Colonel,

the news

The
saves

no

and old

old Colonel,

Here comes poor

what an infernal

bore

he

oa

incessant chatter,

chatter, old scandal, old jokes,

Everyone

141j

is

course.

old

Smith

"

stories.

of

" HuUoa,

how are you ? glad to see you what ^s

"
? how 's exchange?
!

old Colonel

He

money.

tastes

is

not avaricious, but he

cannot help

He

it.

and he draws very large pay.

has

His

mind, therefore, broods over questions relating

to the investment of

money, the depreciation

of silver, and the saving effected by purchasing

things at co-operative stores.
solves

His mind

is

never really

not prehensile like the

Apollo Bundar
so its

He

any problem suggested by these

pursuits

everything eludes
are

interminable.

topics.

tail of
its

the

grasp,

The

old

Colonel's cerebral caloric burns with a feeble

flicker, like that

of

the

Madras

secretariats,

and never consumes a subject.

The same
theme is always fresh fuel.
You might say
the same thing to him every morning at the

same hour

till

the

crack of doom, and he

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

142

would never

remark

that he had liesrd your

recollect

before.

This certainly must give a

freshness to life and render eternity possible.

The

old Colonel

is

not naturally an indolent

man, but the prominent

fact

that he has nothing to do.

If

sun-dial

to take care

is

rain-gauge to

or a

of,

him

about

you gave him

watch, or a secret to keep, he would be quite

delighted.

I once

Smith

asked

keep a

to

secict of mine, and the poor old fellow was

so

much

afraid of losing

it

that in a few hours

he had got everybody in the station helping

him

to keep

men

with so

it.

It always surprises

much time on

me

that

hands do

their

not become Political Agents.

Sometimes our old

Colonel

into the

gets

flagitious habit of writing for the newspapers.

He

talks himself into thinking that he possesses

a grievance, so he puts together a fasciculus

of

lop-sided

straight

by

sentences,

the

to the Pioneer, Delhi

Chronicle.

the

ideas

set

Doctor, the spelling refur-

bished by the Padre, and

layan

gets

fires off

the product

Gazette, or the

Then

days

of

Hima-

feverish

excitement supervene, hope alternating with

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

143

appear

Will the Commauder-

in-Chief be offended

Will the Government

Will

fear.

of India

say

it

be

What

angry?

will the Service

The

old Colonel

is

always rather suspicious

of the great cocked-hats at head-quarters.

knows that
must

still

be changing something or abolishing

something_, and he

is

always afraid that they

But how could

change or abolish him.

will

they change the old Colonel

In a regiment

he would be like Alice in Wonderland

Staff

He

to maintain an air of activity they

on the

he would be like old wine in a new

They might make him

a K.C.B.^

is

it

bottle.

true

but he does not belong to the Simla Band of

Hope, and

stars

madly from

must not be allowed

their sphere.

As

the old Colonel, this too presents

to abolishing
its dfficulties,

Norman Henry and all the

cocked-hats at home and abroad

celebrated

for Sir

the Indian Staff Corps

on

his

and

Venus.

as

They dote on

(figuratively)

love

to

to shoot

look upon

Pygmalion looked
its lifeless

clasp

it

charms,

in

their

foolish arms.

It is better to dress

him up

in

an old red

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

144

aud strap him on

coat,

a brass

to ati old s^vord with

may

he

scabbard, that

stand up on

high ceremonials and drink the health of the

good Queen

whom

for

he has lived bravely

through sunshine and stormy weather, in

defi-

ance of epidemics, retiring schemes, and the

Army

Medical

Department.

ask him to place

old

his

hospitable board, and to

It

is

good to

knees under your

him with whole-

fill

some wine, while he decants the mellow

of an Anglo-India that

from

is

stories

speedily dissolving

view.

The

no harm

old Colonel has

scandal

blows

upon

in

him

grandmothers

the

people that have passed away, and his

improprieties are

such

as

might

his
of

little

illustrate a

sermon of the present day.

But you must never speak to him

were
old.

setting.

He

is

Every Gazette

as if his

sun

as hopeful as a two-yearthrills

him with vague

If he found himself

expectations and alarms.

in orders for a Brigade he

prised than anyone in the

would be

Army.

less

He

sur-

never

hope that something may turn up

that something tangible may issue from the
ceases to

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

circumambient

world

nothing will ever

Colonel

till

of

turn up

145

But

conjechire.
for

our poor old

his poor old toes turn

up

to the

This change only, which we harshly

daisies.

Death," will steal over his prospects;

call

*'

this

new

slide only

will

be

slipped into the

magic lantern of his existence, accompanied

by funeral drums and slow marching.

Soon we shall hardly be able to decipher his

name and age on the crumbling gravestone
among the weeds of our horrible station
cemetery

but what matters

it ?

" For his bones are dust,

And
And

his

sword

is

rust,

his soul is with the saints,

we

trust."

10

No. XVI.

THE

CIVIL SURGEON.

10

149

No. XVI.

THE

CIVIL SURGEON.

Throw physic

to the dogs, I

'11

none of

it."

Perhaps you would hardly guess from his

appearance and ways that he was a surgeon
and a medicine-man.
smell of
fine
cat.

He

certainly does not

or peppermint, or display

lavender

and curious

He

linen, or tread softly like a

Contrariwise.
smells

underclothing.

of

and

tobacco,

His step

is

gross, big, cow-buffalo sort

wears flannel

heavy.
of

He

is

man, with a

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

150

His ranting voice

growth of beard.

tangled

and loud familiar manner amount to an out-

He

rage.

bubbling

laughs

camel, with deep

like

Thick corduroy

noises.

and gaiters swaddle

rides a coarse-bred

required to operate upon

tines,

may

or any

may

my

never be

eyes, or

delicate organ

other

course he

is

my

intes-

that

he

my

skull,

fellow.

He

never be required to trephine

or remove the roof of

Of

and he

Waler mare.

pray the gods that he

breeches

his shapeless legs,

mouth.

a very

good

walks straight into your drawing-room with a

pipe in his mouth, bellowing out your name.

No

servant

announces

his

He

arrival.

tramples in and crushes himself into a chair^

without removing his hat, or performing any

other high ceremonial.

He

has been riding in

the sun, and is in a state of profuse perspiration

you

will

have to bring him round

with the

national beverage of Anglo-India, a brandy-

and-soda.

Now
you
is

're

he

vsdll

" Well,

enter upon your case.

looking very blooming

the matter with vou

Eh ?

what the

Eh

devil

Want

ONE DAT IN INDIA.

a trip to the

is

the

Have you seen Smith's new

Eh ? "

filly ?

This

is

very cheerful and reassuring

are a healthy
disease

but

How

Eh ?

Eh ?

hills ?

Eh

bay pony ?

151

man

a broken

if

if:

you

with some large conspicuous

cholera, or toothache

rib,

you are a

fine,

delicately-made

man^

pregnant with poetry as the egg of the nightingale

is

pregnant with music, and throbbing

with an exquisite nervous sensibility, perhaps

disease,

oi"

moments

some

under

languishing

which you are only conscious in

of intense introspection,

of approaching the diagnosis

system

it

may

proved

Since I have

mode

But, speaking for myself,

most ruinous and disastrous.

known

the Doctor

tion has broken up.

is

this

apt to give your

be bracing, like the incle-

ment north wind.

has

is

a shock.

Otherwise

it

and occult

vague

am

my

constitu-

a wreck.

There

hardly a single drug in the whole pharma-

copoeia that I can

and

now

have entirely

resting

You

take with any pleasure,

lost

sight of a most inte-

and curious complaint.

see,

dear Vanity, that I don't miucc

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

162

I take our Doctor as I find him,

matters.

rough and allopathic

but I

am

sure he might

be iraprovod in course of two or three genera-

We

may leave this, however, to Nature

Army Medical Department. Reform

tions.

and the
is

not

my

business.

have no proposals to

offer that will accelerate the

progress of the

Doctor towards a higher type.

Happily his surgical and medicinal functions
claim only a portion of his time.

He

is

in

charge of the district gaol, a large and comfortable retreat for criminals.

To some
robbers,

eight or

and

Here he

is

nine hundred

inferior

delinquents

admirable.

murderers,

he plays

the part of maltre d'hotel with infinite success.

In the whole country side you

community
fed,

will not find

so well bathed, dressed, exercised,

and lodged as that over which the Doctor

presides.

You

Quakerish

air of

observe on every face a quiet,

contentment.

Every inmate

of the gaol seems to think that he has

found a haven of
If

rest.

the sea-horse on the ocean

Own no dear domestic cave,

Yet he slumbers without motion
On the still and halcyon wave

now

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

If

153

on rainy days the loafer

Gamble when he cannot roam,

The pohce will help him so far
As to find him hero a home.
is

indeed a quiet refuge for world-wearied

men;

sanctuary undisturbed

of the

weak

This

by the fears
All

or the passions of the strong.

reasonable wants are gratified here; nothing

is

The poor burglar

hoped for any more.

" grab "

burdened with unsaleable

and the

reproaches of a venal world sorrowfully seeks

He

an asylum here.

brings nothing in his

hand; he seeks notbing but

rest.

He

whis-

pers through the key-hole

" Nil cupientium

Nudus

Look

castra peto.'

at this prisoner

slumbering peacefully

beside his huqqa under the suggestive bottle

tree

(there

something

is

touching

selecting the shade of a bottle tree

clearly

had no

have lain
tree).

bottle

under

tree

is

his

or he would never

strawberry (and

cream)

You can see that he has been softly

What a sleek, sturdy fellow he is

nurtured.

He

in

Horace

covenanted servant

here,

having

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

154

passed an examination in gang robbery accom-

and

panied by violence

Uncovenanted

years.

he

enviable

And

cer-

he has no cares, no

Famine and the depreciation

anxieties.
silver are

is

week,

pilferers, in for a

regard him with respect and envy.

tainly his lot

He

prevarication.

under a long term of

cannot be discharged

nothing to him.

lives in plenty.

innocent round

summer he

he

digs, like

E,ain or sunshine,

His days are spent in an

by

of duties, relieved

and contemplation of to
of

of

ov.

sleep

In the long heats

away the time with carpet-making; between the showers of autumn

garden
table,

whiles

our

first

parents, in the Doctor's

and in winter, as there

is

no

billiard-

he takes a turn on the treadmill with

his mates.

Perhaps, as he does

Charles Lamb's Pindaric ode

so,

he recites

" Great mill

That by thy motion proper

(No thanks to wind or sail, or

toiling rill)

Grinding that stubborn-corn, the

human

will,

Tum'st out men's consciences,

That were begi'imed before, as clean and sw
As flour from purest wheat,
Into thy hopper."

eat

ONE DAT IN INDIA.

Yet sometimes a murmur
zephyr even from the

rises like a

soft lap of

Even the hardened

ease.

155

summer

luxury and

criminal, dandled

on the knee of a patriarchal Government, will

sometimes complain and try to give the Doctor
trouble.

But the Doctor has

specific

brief incantation that allays every species of

inflammatory discontent.

man

any more of

If I hear

nonsense, I

and crop."

^11

" Look here,

my

this infernal

turn you out of the gaol neck

This

a threat that never fails

is

to produce the desired effect.

from gaol and driven,

To be

expelled

like Cain, into the rude

and wicked world, a wanderer, an outcast

this

would indeed be

Before

cruel ban.

such a presentiment the well-ordered mind of

the criminal recoils with horror.

The

Civil

Surgeon

is

also a rain doctor,

takes charge of the Imperial gauge.

more or

and

If a pint

a pint less than usual falls, he at once

telegraphs this priceless

gossip to the

Press

Commissioner, Oracle Grotto, Delphi, Elysium.

This

is

famine.

one of our precautions to guard against

Mr. Caird

is

the other.

No. XVII.

THE SHIKARRr.

169

No. XVII.

THE SHIKARBY.

HAVE come out

to spend a day in the jungle

^ith him, to see him play on his own stage.

His

little flock

march

to

of white tents has flown

many

meet me, and have now alighted

this accessible spot near a

poor hamlet on the

I feel that I have only

verge of cultivation.

to yield myself for a few days to

importunities

and

a
at

will

it

waft

its

hospitable

me away

to

profound forest depths, to the awful penetralia

of the bison and the tiger.

thing

is

strange to

me

the

Even here

common

every-

native has

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

160

become

Bheel, the sparrowhawk

an

eagle,,

the grass of the field a vast, reedy growth in

which an elephant becomes a mere field-mouse.

Out

come strange

of the leaves

strange silence broods over us

strange rustlings and cries

its

and weird music

of

prey

flowers, fanned

My

closes over us

it

faints

it

it

timber

powers in colossal

beasts

broken by

Nature swoons in

again strangely.
o sunshine

bird-notes, a

it is

and

amid

by breezes and

its

howling

little

with a strange enchantment.

wild

butterflies.

heart beats in strange anapaests.

dream-world of leaf and bird

glory

has put forth

stirs

This

the blood

The

Nature touches us with her caduceus

Spirit of
:

none behold thee

But thy voice sounds low and tender
Like the fairest, for it folds thee

" Fair are others

From the sight, that liquid splendour

And all feel, yet see thee never,
."
As I feel now
.

Our

upon by the

tents are played

flickering

shadows of the vast pipal-tree that

a laocoon turtuosity
well.

The spot

is

rises

in

of roots out of an old

cool

and pleasant.

Round

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

US are picketed

and

horses,

cincts

mud

each

enjoying the

all

bullocks,

Our

shade.

food on the pre-

their

busy in front of his own

On

fire-place.

sacrifices are

is

camels,

elephants,

servants are cooking

161

larger

altar

little

greater

being offered up for our breakfast.

crowd of nearly naked Bheels watch the

and snuff the fragrant incense of venison

rites

from a respectful distance.

broken-looking

old

Their leader, a

man, with hardly a rag

on, stands apart exchanging deep confidences

my

with

is girt

This old Bheel

friend the Shikarry.

about the loins with knives, pouches,

powder-horns, and ramrods

and he

enough to be an English General

Cabinet Minister

he was in the

carries

He

his shoulder an aged flintlock.

on

looks old

Officer or a

and you might assume that

last stage of physical

and mental

But you would be quite wrong. This

Bheel will sit up all night on the branch

decay.
old

of a tree

the tiger
bait

among
kill

beneath

the horned owls

he will see

blood and tear the haunch

steal

he

see

will

the young buffalo tied up as a

it
;

drink the

he

will

life-

watch

it

away and hide under the karaunda bush

11

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

162

he

will sit there

under

creep

till

day breaks, when he

thorn

the

jungle,

stream, up the scarp or

across

the ravine,

will

the

through

the long grass to the sahib^s camp, and give

the word that makes the hunter's heart dance.

From

the

hamlet

camp he

till

and he

he has raised au army of beaters

be back

will

before

forces

the

life

camp with

the

at

has

sahib

Through the long heats

the

from hamlet to

will stride

his

breakfasted.

of the day he will be

and soul of the hunt, urging on the

beaters with voice and example, climbing trees,

peeping under bushes, carrying orders, giving

advice, changing the line,

moment when
rasping growl
effect,
lies

shots

tells

and when

that the shots have taken

handful of parched grain

friend

fired,

at length the

huge striped cat

And

stretched out dead.

My

supreme
when the

until that

are

all

this

on

the Shikarry delights to clothe

himself in the coarse fabrics manufactured in

gaol, which,

when properly patched and

deco-

rated with pockets, have undoubtedly a certain

wild-wood appearance.

As

the hunter does

not happen to be a Bheel with the privileges

of

ONE DAT IN

INDIA.

conferred

by a

nakedness

this

perhaps

is

the

only

brown

practical

skin,

alterna-

went out to shoot in evening

If he

tive.

163

hansom cab,
the chances are that he would make an
example of himself and come to some untimely end.
"V^Tiat would the Apollo Bundar
What would the Bengali Baboo say?
say?
clothes,

crush

What would
hunter

the sea-aye-ees say

affects coarse

and

it;

Yes, our

and snuffy clothes

them suggestions

carry with

roughing

and

hat^

they

and

of hardship

umbrageous and

his hat is

old.

As to the man under the hat, he is an odd

compound of vanity, sentiment, and generosity.

He

is

traits

as

he

me what

affected

Among

as a girl.

affects reticence,

and he

the plans for the day are,

lutely nothing, he

and important
fret yourself,

about

it,

ments."

air,

my

or

Knowing

khabbar has been received.

other

will not tell

what
abso-

moves about with a solemn

and he says to me, " DonH

dear fellow

you

^11

know

all

made

arrange-

Then he dissembles and

talks of

time enough.

I have

irrelevant topics transcendentally.

This makes
11 *

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

164

me
a

such a poor pen-and-ink fellow, such

feel

worm, such a

With

Agent

Political

this discordant note still vibrating

go in to breakfast
bucks with
that

would

quiet,

stubborn determination

an American

fill

or

editor

twelve-foot-tiger

perhaps, he can't help

If the

an

He

Under-Secretary of State with despair.

belongs to the

we

and then, dear Vanity, he

school

so,

it.

whole truth were

told,

he

is

warm-

hearted, generous, plucky fellow, with bound-

and

less vanity

romantic vein of maudlin

sentiment that seduces him from time to time

into

gin-and-water corner of an Indian

Under the heading of " The

the

newspaper.

Lament,"

Ranger's

Forest

Shikarry's Tale of

column

"The Old

or

Woe," he hiccoughs

his

of sickly lines (with St. Vitus's dance

in their feet),
I have seen

and then I believe he

him do

it

feels better.

I have caught

him

in

criminal conversation with a pen and a sheet

of paper

bottle at

A
Vatum

hand

quo, ceu fonte perenni,

Pieriis ora rigantur aquis.

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

In appearance he

is

165

a very short

man

with

a long black beard^ a sunburnt face, and a clay

He

pipe.

has shot battalions of tigers and

speared squadrons of wild

He

pig.

uni-

is

universally admired, and uni-

versally loved,

versally laughed at.

He

generous to a

is

All the

fault.

young

He

round owe him money.

fellows for miles

would think there was something wrong

if

they did not borrow from him ; and yet, some-

how, I don't think

There
spears,

is

that he

is

very well

off.

nothing in his bungalow but guns,

and hunting trophies

he never goes

home, and I have an idea that there

is

some

heavy drain on his purse in the whole country.

But you should hear him

troll a

with his grand organ voice,

fancy him the richest
note

is

man

hunting song

and you would

in the world,

so high and triumphant

So when
Of

We

in after

many

'11

days

-we boast

wild boars slain,

not forget our runs to toast

Or run them

o'er again.

his

166

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

And when

our memory's mirror true

Reflects the scenes of yore,

We think of him it brings to

Who loved to hunt the boar
'11

-iQi r

view.

No. XVIII.

THE GRASS-WIDOW

IN NEPHE-

LOCOCCYGIA.

169

No. XVIII.

THE GRASS-WIDOW

IN NEPHE-

LOCOCCYGIA.

Her bosom's

lord sits lightly on his throne ?

"

Little Mrs. Lollipop has certainly proved a

source of disappointment to her lady friends.

They have watched

going

lightly

gaieties of

her

for

three

and merrily through

Cloudland

scandal of the cuckoos

seasons
all

the

they have listened to the

among the

pine-trees and

rhododendrons, but they have not caught her

tripping.

tripping.

Oh, no, they

She does not

will never catch her

trip for their

amuse-

ONE DAY IN

170

raent

INDIA..

perhaps she trips

when they go on

it

the light fantastic toe, but there

there

no evidence

is

only a zephyr of conjecture, only the

is

world^s low whisper not yet broken into storm

not

yet.

Yes, she

a source of disappointment

is

them. They have noted her points

laugh has fanned their scorn
presence

is

an

affront

and lissom

ripe

a taint;

they

they say

her

particulars;

It

is

as

her

is

nature

has

her popularity with silent

chill

But they have

smiles of slow disparagement.

no

bountiful

They pronounce her

figure.

morally unsound;

her merry

her

them,

to

her beauty

has burned itself into their jealousy

to

their slander

is

not concrete.

an amorphous accusation, sweeping and

vague, spleen born and proofless.

She
weeds
ful

certainly
sit easily

mould.

knows how

Her

to dress.

and smoothly on their delight-

You might

think of her as a

sweet,

warm

(Who

wouldn't be her Pygmalion

statue painted in water-colours.

adds a garment

it

removes a garment
she dresses her hair

it

is

it is

If she

?}

an improvement

is

she

if

an improvement

better; if she lets

if
it

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

fall

in a

ders

it is

papers

171

brown cascade over her white shoulstill

better

when

charminsj.

it is

If

it

is

yet in curl-

you smudge the

tip

of her nose with a burnt cork the effect

irresistible
it

if

you

stick a flower

in her hair

a fancy dress, a complete costume

is

becomes Flora, Aurora, anything you

name.

she

like to

Yet I have never clothed her

flower,

is

in

have never smudged her nose with a

burnt cork, I have never uncurled her hair,

character must

Baba^s

Ali

down

stream

the

Captains and

not

go drifting

with

gossip

of

the

the TJnder- Secretaries.

Hill

But

hope that this does not destroy the argument.

The argument
ful,

is

that she

is

quite too delight-

and therefore blown upon

by poisonous

whispers.

Her bungalow
is

is

an Elysium, of course

a cottage with a verandah, built

and buried deep

slope,

Within

wood
tray

is

fire is
is

servants
cake,

all

at

hand.

&c.

gaily,

It

is

silently

The

little

it

on a steep

shrubbery and trees.

plain, but exquisitely neat.

burning

move

in

and the kindly

five

o'clock.

A
tea-

Clean

about with hot water,

boy,

a hostage

from

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

172

papa in the warm plains below,

sive, after

is

sitting pen-

the fashion of Anglo-Indian children,

His bearer crouches behind

in a little chair.

him.

The unspeakable widow,

dimly

splendid

with

tropical

in a

tea-gown

vegetation

in

neutral tints, holds a piece of chocolate in her

hand, while she leans back in her fauteuil

convulsed with laughter.
to

say that Ali Baba

improving

How

tales.)

(It is
is

not necessary

relating one of his

pretty she looks, show-

ing her excellent teeth and suffused with bright

warm

blushes.

amazement,

As

gaze upon her with fond

murmur

mechanically

Mine be a cot beside the

A
A

tea-pot's

hum

hill

shall soothe mj' ear,

widowy girl, that likes me still,

With many a smile shall linger near.

I have

been asked to write a philosophical

minute on the mental and moral condition of

husband who

delightful Mrs. Lollipop's

down in the plains,

lives

have been requested by the

Press Commissioner to inquire in Government

fashion, with

complaisant

pen and ink, as to whether the

proprietor

of

desires to have a recheat

so

many charms

winded in

his fore-

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

and to hang

head,

baldrick

whether

173

an invisible

his bugle in
it

is

true in his case that

hear the lowest cuckoo note,

Love's ear will

and that Lovers perception of gossip

soft

is

and sensible than are the tender horns of

Towards

cockled snails.

these points I

all

have directed ray researches.

have resolved

myself into a Special Commission, and

sat

more

upon grass-widowers

little

in camera.

have

If I

sit

longer a Report will be hatched, which,

of course,

and when
amusement

I shall take to England,

there I shall go to the places of

with the Famine Commission, and have rather a

good time of
bright

after dinner

wings on his

do with

nothing.
is

see,

with that

requires

no lime-

its

all this

little

talk of country matters

Mrs, Lollipop

She thinks no

ill

Absolutely

of herself.

She

most charitable woman in the world.

the

There

with a merry jest preening

lips.

But what has

to

eye which

grim Famine stalking about the Aqua-

light,

rium

Already I can

it.

internal

is

no

veil of sin

of suspicion darkens

no cloud

forehead;

no con-

over her eye

her

cealment feeds upon her damask cheek.

Like

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

174

Eve she goes about hand

in

hand with her

friends, in native innocence, relying

Sweet simplicity

she has of virtue.

confidence

My

on what
sweet

eagle quill shall not flutter

these doves.

Have you

ever Avatched her at a big dance

She takes possession of some large warrior

who has

lately arrived

from the

battle-fields of

Umballa or Meerut, and she chaperones him

about the rooms,

and

low

prattling

nothings.

vessel jibs a little at

spell begins to

in his eye.
tells

him with flagons

staying

first

work and the

He

The

weaker

but gradually the

dances, he

love-light kindles

makes

a joke, he

a story, he turns round and looks her in

He

the face.
casualty

That big centurion is a

" How can
and no one pities him.
is lost.

he go ou like that, odious creature!" say the

withered

wall-flowers,

and the Hill Captains

fume round, working out formulae

his baseness.

But he

mountains of vanity;
sphere makes
depofSoLTT]^,

few days

is

to express

away on the glorious

the intoxicating atmo-

life tingle in his

blood

he

he no longer treads the earth.

Mrs. Lollipop

will

is

an

In a

receive a post-

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

175

from the Colonel of her centurion's

card

regi-

ment.
"

My Dear

Mrs.
Lollipop, die, per

Te deos
Perdere
Oderit

oro,
?

omnes

Robinson cur properes amando

cur apricum

campum,

patiens pulvei-is atque solis.

Yrs. Sincy.

Horace Fitzdottrbl."

Ten

to one an

to translate this.

Archdeacon

Ten

will

ending in tea and tearful smiles

bound

be sent for

to one there

is
;

a shindy,

for she is

to get a blowing up.

what

After

have written

suppose

would be superfluous to affirm with oaths

it

my

irrefragable belief in Mrs. Lollipop's innocence;

it

would be superfluous to deprecate the many-

winged slanders that wound

hind.

If,

this

milk-white

however, by swearing, any of your

readers think I can be of service to her character,

I hope they will let

me know,

I have

learnt a few oaths lately that I reckon will

unsphere

some

Nephelococcygia.
at the key-hole

of
I

the

had

scandal-mongers

my

of

ear one morning

when the Army Commission

was revising the cursing and swearing code

ONE DAY

176

for field service.

(Ah

IN INDIA.

these dear old Generals,

what depths of simplicity they

they get by themselves
that

i^

my

had

life

when

sometimes think

disclose

to live over again I

would

keep a newspaper and become a really great

General,

know some

five or

six

obscure

aboriginal tribes that have never yet yielded a

single

But

war or a single K.C.B.)

this is a digression.

the goodness of Mrs. Lollipop

lipop

sweet

was maintaining

little

Mrs. Lollipop

little

Mrs. Lol-

was going

to say that she was far too good to be

whisperings

and

made

inuendoes.

the

subject

of

Her

virtue

of such a robust type that even a

is

Divorce Court would sink back abashed before

it,

Indeed, she

like a guilty thing surprised.

often reminds

The

me

harpies

of Caesar's wife.

of

dresses too low

scandal

that

protest

she

that she exposes too freely the

well-rounded charms of her black silk stockings;

that

she appears at fancy-dress balls

picturesquely unclothed

public sees a

Lollipop

and

little

in

too

a word, that the

much

of

little

that, in conversation

Mrs.

with men,

she nibbles at the forbidden apples of thought.

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

But
She

fears

her innocence,

proves

this

all

177

no danger,

for

surely.

she knows no sin.

She cannot understand why she should hide

anything from

an

Why

admiring world.

keep her charms concealed from mortal eye,

like roses that in deserts

often reminds

me

I heard an

of

old

bloom and

Una

She

die ?

in Hypocrisy's cell.

Gorgon ask one of Mrs.

Lollipop^s clientele the other day whether he

would

to

like

be

Mrs.

husband.

Lollipop^s

" No, Mie said, " not her husband; I

am

not

worthy to be her husband

"

But

would be the uecklace

And all day long to fall and

Upon her balmy bosom
With her laughter
And I would lie so
I

rise

or her sighs

light, so light,

scarce should be unclasped at night."

That old Gorgon

is

now going through

course of hysterics under medical and clerical

advice.

Her

ears are in as bad a ease as

Macbeth's hands.

Hymns

will

not

Lady
purge

them.

12

No.

XIX.

THE TRAVELLING

M.P.

THE BRITISH LION EAMPANT.

]2

181

No. XIX.

THE TRAVELLING

M.P.

THE BRISISH LION RAMPANT.

There

not a more fearful wild fowl than

is

your travelling M.P.

whose mind

is

This unhappy creature

a perfect blank regarding Fauj-

dari and Bandobast , and

who cannot

distin-

guish the molluscous Baboo from the osseous

Pathan, will actually presume to discuss Indian

subjects with you, unless strict precautions be

taken.

When

meet one

of

these

loose

M.P.'s

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

182

ramping about I always cut his claws at once.

I say, " Now, Mr. T. G., you must understand
that, according

my

to

you are a

standard,

homunculus of the lowest type.

man

nothing I value a
there

is

There

is

you can do

for that

nothing I consider worth directing the

human mind upon

that you know.

to give to

fortunate

position,

well

and

good

you venture to argue with me,

any opinion, to

good enough

criticise

it

your un-

person in

you

may deem

ask for any information which I

expedient

If

but

if

to

express

anything I

may be

say regarding India, or to

to

quote any passage relating to Asia from the

works of Burke, Cowper, Bright, or Fawcett,

I will

hand you over to Major Henderson

strangulation,

be burnt

by

sweepers,

and

causp

will

an

Imperial

your

for

body to

Commission of

mention your name in

I will

the Pioneer.'^

In dangerous
carried,

cases,

your loose

M.P. must be made

reside within the pale

tion.

in

If

where a note-book

of

you are wise you

the interrogative

mood

is

to

guarded conversawill

speak to him

exclusively

and

ONE DA? IN INDIA.

you

183

answers with contumelious

will treat his

laughter or disdainful silence.

About
in India

week

he

will

after

your M.P. has landed

begin his great work on the

history, literature, philosophy, and social insti-

You

tutions of the Hindoos.

will see hira in

a railway carriage

when

studying Forbes's

Hindustani Manual.

is

undoubtedly

philology of the

writinji;

by the

stirred

the

oTorrpos

He

chapter on the

Do you

Aryan Family.

ob-

serve the fine frenzy that kindles behind his

spectacles as he leans back

root?

These pangs

and

are worth about half-a-

crown an hour in the present

market.

tries to eject a

state of the

One cannot contemplate them

book
with-

out profound emotion.

The reading world

Asia,

and

often

is

hunger-bitten about

think I shall take three

months' leave and run up a precis of Sanskrit

and Pali literature, just a few

learned world.

Max

these languages

first

folios for the

Miiller begs
:

me

to learn

but this would be a

toil

and drudgery, whereas to me the pursuit of

literary excellence and fame is a mere amusement, like lawn-tennis or rinking.

It is the

ONE DAY

184

make

fault of the age to

meant

to

IN INDIA.

a labour of what

Telle est de nos plaisirs la surface legere

'

is

be a pastime.

Glissez, mortels, n'appuyez pas."

The

M.P.

travelling

you with a

letter

last station

he has

of introduction from the

visited,

and he

make himself

diately proceed to
in

probably come to

will

will

immehome

quite at

your bungalow with the easy manners of

He will

the Briton abroad.

his plans and

name the

acquaint you with

places of interest in

the neighbourhood which he requires you to

show him.

He

ask you to take him, as

will

a preliminary canter, to the gaol

and lunatic

make many

interesting

asylum

and he

suggestions to the

agement of these

will
civil

surgeon as to the man-

institutions,

unfavourably with those he

other stations.

Brigadier-General
the

He

will

has visited

then

commanding

chaplain, and the

return

comparing them

when he ought

inspect

the

to be bathing

probably write his article for

the

station,

On

missionaries.

in

the

his

he will

Twentieth

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

Worth Keeping ? "

Century, entitled " Is India

And

185

whose

this ridiculous old Shrovetide cock^

and information leave two

ignorance

of laughter in

streaks

his

wake,

upon the reading public

loose

word I believe the

better to go and

broad
turned

is

Upon my

reading public would do

the feet of Baboo Silla-

sit at

bub Thunder Gosht, B.A.

What

is it

on paper

conundrum.

M.P.

that these travelling people put

Let

Q.

treasures

me put
What is

it
it

and

up

hastens to throw away

in the

form of a

that the travelling

Anglo-Indian

the

A. Erroneous, hazy,

distorted first impressions.

Before the eyes of the

up

in poetical mists,

tive,

ideal,

griffin,

picturesque.

The adult Qui Hai

and disappointing

attains to prose, to stern

realities;

pire

he removes the

and penetrates

to the

duties attending
of

upon paper.

from the

of the

Em-

most serious

residence in India

those

your travelling M.P.

hustle

gilt

brown ginger-bread

One

of Rajas and Baboos.

correcting

India steams

illusive, fantastic, subjec-

is

the

misapprehensions which
saci^fices

The

his

spectacled

bath to
people

186

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

embalmed in
Indians

secretariats alone amon":

continue to see the

They alone preserve

griffinhood.

the phantas-

magoria of bookland and dreamland.

the rest of us
Out

of the

A joy has

As

for

day and night

taken

flight

Baboos and Rajas and Indian

Move our
No more

Anglo-

gay visions of

lore

faint hearts with grief, but with delight

oh, never more

one who is modest and

own country should imme-

It is strange that

inoffensive in his
diately

on leaving

it

features of 'Arryism
I

exhibit
;

but

it

some of the worst

seems inevitable.

have met in this unhappy land, countrymen

(who are gentlemen

in

England, Members of

Parliament, and Deputy-Lieutenants, and that

kind of thing) whose conduct and demeanour

while here I can never recall without tears and
blushes for our

common humanity. My

friends

witnessing this emotion often suppose that

am

thinking of the Famine Commission.

As

far

as

can learn,

it

is

generally

home

that a

man who

seen the Taj at Agra, the

Qutb

at Delhi,

received opinion at

has

and

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

the

Duke

honours

in

at

Madras,

all

questions

British interests in Asia

for the office of

has

187

g;radiiated

connected

and

is

with

with

only unfitted

Governor-General of India

from knowing too much.

No.

XX.

MEM-SAHIB.

191

XX.

No.

MEM-SAHIB
'

Her

life is lone.

He

He

loves her yet

sits

apart

she will not weep,

The' rapt in matters dark and deep

He seems

to slight her simple heart.

For him she plays, to him she sings

Of early faith and plighted vows
She knows but matters of the house,
he, he knows a thousand things."

And
1 FIRST

met her shepherding her

across the ocean.

in the full sweetness

talk

was

station

of

life,

little

flock

She was a beautiful woraan^

and bloom of

life.

the busy husband she had

left,

Her
the

the attached servants, the favourite

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

192

horse,

husband would

Her

and the bungalow.

the garden

soon follow her, in a year, or

two years, and they would return together;

but they would return to a silent

mother and

to her

sisters

but there had

So her thoughts

been changes in this home.

were woven of hopes and fears

sat

the

She was going

children would be left behind.

home

home

and, as she

on deck of an evening, with the great heart

of the moon-lit sea palpitating around us, and

the homeless night-wind sighing through the

cordage, she would sing to us one of the plaintive ballads of the old

country,

till

we forgot

to listen to the sobbing and the trampling of

and

the engines,

till

all

and sounds

sights

resolved themselves into a temple of sentiment

round

charming

She would leave

her babies.
with

chanting

priestess

low

She would leave us early to go to

anthems.

mock

should cry,

heroics,

us throbbing

undecided whether we

or consecrate our lives to

some

high and noble enterprise, or drink one more

glass

kind,

of

hot

but not sentimental

practical

^'

She

was

her sweet,

yet

whiskey-and-water.
;

good-night " was quite of the work-

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

world

a- day

we

it

tended to dispel

boys,

who were turned

that

felt

193

illusions.

She had three

little

out three times a-day in the ultimate state of

good behaviour,

who

and

tidiness,

and

cleanliness,

lapsed three times a-day into a state of

original sin

combined with tar and

These three

ship's grease.

boys pervaded the vessel

little

with an innocent smile on their three

their

faces,

mother's winning smile.

man on

the ship was their

bound

to

biscuits,

them

confidences,

electric smile

cated,

by

own

little

little

Every

familiar friend,

interchanges

twine,

and

by

of

that

which their mother communi-

and from which no one wished to be

insulated.

they

Yes,

quite

pervaded

the

vessel, these three little innocents, flying that

bright and friendly smile; and there was no

description of mischief suitable for three very
little

boys that

they did

The

not exhaust.

ingenuity they squandered every day in doing

a hundred things

which they

ought not to

have done was perfectly marvellous.

Before

the voyage

was half over we thought there

was nothing

left for

them

to do

but

we were
13

ONE DAT IN INDIA.

194

entirely mistaken.

mon
to

The

cask would furnish

them the meanest

pocket-knife,

could

daily round, a

com-

they had to ask

all

whistle that blows, or a

give thoughts

that too

often led to smiles and tears.

Their mother's thoughts were

them

with

but she was like a hen with a brood of

ducklings.

They passed out

and only returned

When

ever

as

of her element,

hunger

they did return she was

all

called

them.

that soap and

water, loving reproaches, and tender appeals

could be; and as they were very affectionate

little

boys, they were for the time thoroughly

cleansed

morally and physically,

and sealed

with the absolution of kisses.

I

saw her three years afterwards in England.

She was

living in lodgings near a school

her boys attended.

She

looked

which

careworn.

Her relations had been kind to her, but not

She had been disapwarmly affectionate.
pointed with the welcome they had given her.

They seemed changed to her, more formal,

She longed to be back in
narrower, colder.
India; to be with her husband once more.

But he was engrossed with

his work.

He

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

wrote short

letters enclosing

195-

cheques ; but he

never said that he missed her, that he longed

to see her again, that she

must come out to

He

him, or that he must go to her.

not have grown cold too

could

No, he was busy

he had never been demonstrative in his

tion

was

this

his

And

way.

affec-

she was anxious

She did not know whether

about the boys.

they were really getting on, whether she was

doing the best for them, whether their father

would be
her,

satisfied.

She had no friends near

no one to speak to;

over these

she

so

brooded

problems, exaggerated them, and

fretted.

The husband was a man who

own

thoughts,

and

his

The world

thoughts.

lived in his

thoughts were book

of

leaf

and bird, the

circumambient firmament of music and

light,

book

shone in upon him through books.

was

the

senses,

master key that unlocked

that

unfolded the

varied

all

his

landscape,

animated the hero, painted the flower, swelled

the orchestra of wind and ocean, peopled the
plains of India with starvelings and the

moun-

tains of Afghanistan with cut-throats.

With13 *

196

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

moved about like a shadow

some dim dreamland of echoes.

lost

Everyone knew he was a scholar, and

his

twice rung out

to

out a book he
in

had

thoughts

once or

the world clear and loud as a trumpet-note

But

through the oracles of the Press.

society he

in

was shy^ awkward, and uncouth of

speech, quite unable to marshal his thoughts,

by

deserted

his

own

silences,

Any

fool

memory, abashed before

his

and startled by his own words.

who could

talk about the legs of a

horse or the height of the thermometer was

Prospero to this social Caliban.

He
women

felt

his

that

before the

fine

instincts

of

was especially conspi-

infirmity

cuous, and he drifted into misogyny through

bashf ulness and pride

and yet misogyny was

incompatible with his scheme of

ambition.

He

the full diapason of

as other

men

life

and

home

life

he desired to be

were, besides being something

more
KaKov yr valines' aXA'

OvK ioTiy

otK'civ

Kat yap to

his

himself to be worthy of

felt

oyLtw?,

SrjfjLOTai,,

oiKiav uvev KaKOV.

y^jxai.,

kol to

fir]

yrjfiai,

KaKov,

197"

ONE DAT IN INDIA.

So he married her who loved him for choosing

her, and who reverenced him for his mysterious
treasures of thought.

There was much in his

never share

and

married

life

world.

He

that she could

but he longed for companionship

in thought,

life

for the

first

year of their

he tried to introduce her to

led her slowly

up to the quiet

tops of thought where the air

and

is still

his

hill-

clear,

and he gave her to drink of the magic fountains of music.

Her

measure.

Their hearts beat one delicious

gentle nature was plastic under

the poet's touchy wrought in an instant to perfect

harmony with

To read aloud
day's

love, or tears, or laughter.

to her in the evening after the

work was

over,

every breath of the

and to see her

by

stirred

thought-storm, was to

enjoy an exquisite interpretation of the poet's

motive,

like

an impression bold

and sharp
This

from the matrix of the poet's mind.

was to hear the song of the poet and Nature's

low echo.
it

How

tranquillising

it

was

effaced the petty vexations of the

" softening and concealing

hand

of healing."

How
day

and busy with a

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

198

Tale tuum carmen nobis, divine poeta,

Quale sopor

fessis in

gramine, quale per sestum

Dulcis aquae salients sitim restinguere rivo.

But

with

declined,

advent

the

and the

of

sympathetic

wife

The

more and more motherly.

stand upon the

Husband and

clear

became

father retired

sadly into the dreamland of books.

not emerge again.

poetry

babies

hill-tops

He
wife

together

will

will

no

more.
Neither quite knows what has happened

they both feel changed

sorrow,

with a regret

She

enunciate.

her husband.

is

now

with
that

an undefined
pride

will

not

again in India with

There are

duties,

nay, kindnesses which both

courtesies,

will perform,

but

the ghost of love and sympathy will only rise

mockery words and

in their hearts to jibber in

phrases that have lost their

have

"

lost their

meaning,

enchantment.

Love who bewailest

The frailty of all things
;

Why

here,

choose you the frailest

For your cradle, your home, and your

bier

that

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

Its passions will

rock thee

As the storms rock the raven on high

Bright reason will

mock

thee

Like the stm from a wintry sky.

From thy

nest every rafter

Will rot, and thine eagle home

Leave thee naked to laughter

When

leaves fall and cold winds come."

199

No. XXI.

ALl BAB/V ALONE;

THE LAST DAY.

203

No. XXT.

ALI BABA ALONE

THE LAST DAY.

Now

the last of

many

days,

All beautiful and bright as thou,

The loveliest and the last is dead.

memory, and write its praise."

Rise,

How
tity ?

my own

shall I lay this spectre of

Shall I leave

it

to melt

in the light of setting suns ?

do to put

it

iden-

away gracefully
It

would never

out like a farthing rushlight after

it

had haunted the Great Ornamental in an aurora

of smiles.

Is Ali

Baba

night without pain

or

to cease
is

he to

upon the midlie

down

like a

ONE DAY IN

204

INDIA.

tired child

and weep out the spark

just

Elysium

to

flit

he

or should

There, seated on Elysian

lawns, browsed by none but Dian's (no allusion

Mrs, Lollipop) fawns, amid the noise

to little

of fountains wonderous and the parle of voices

wag might

thunderous, some
'*

door,

Here

Ali Baba/' as

lies

How

his truthfulness.

the

into

golden
the

four thousand

and Simla do
allowances,

he

is

observation?

of

hundred a month

five

those

seat beside

littered

Or

under the swart Dog-Star of India?

it

to be the

may

to

with nothing to do and

it,

and a

glancing at

if

How

still-world

into

Would

his

he to pass effectively

is

silences ?

relapse

on

scribble

is

mandragora of pension, that he

sleep out the great gap of ennui between

this life

and something better

How

the Government of India would

the world would forget

India

'Do ye

sit

there

still in

slumber

In gigantic Alpine rows

The black poppies out

of

number

Nodding, dripping from your brows

To the red

And

lees of

your wine

so kept alive

and

lonely

How

Government of

the

Voices would ask

feel

fine."

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

Sometimes
satisfied

205

think that Ali Baba should be

with the oblivion -mantle of knight-

hood and relapse into dingy respectability in

the Avilion of

Brompton

or

Bath

but since

he has taken to wearing stars the accompany-

come

ing itch for blood and fame has

How

doth the greedy K.C.B.

Delight to brag and fight,

And gather medals all the day

And wear them all the night.

The

of being out-medalled and

fear

out-

starred stings him.

Thus the

desire to

the Temple of

him

impels

Fame

go hustling up the

hill to

with the other starry hosts

forward.

If

you mix yourself up

with K.C.B.'s and raise your platform of ambition^

you

are

just

where you were

A. B. C. of your career.
land,

at the

Living on a table-

you experience no sensation

of height.

For the intoxicating delights of elevation you

require a solitary pinnacle,

nence.

Aut

some lonely emi-

Csesar, aut uullus

whether in the

zenith or the nadir of the worid^s favour.

But how much more comfortable

old season

than the

chill

in

the

splendours of the

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

206

pinnacles of fame, where " pale suns unfelt at

distance

away/^

roll

comfortable

is

galow on the plains, with a

Here

after dinner.

little

bun-

mulled claret

think Ali Baba will be

found, hidden from his creditors, the reading

world, in the

warm

songs unbidden

light of thought, singing

a few select cronies are

till

wrought to sympathy with hopes and fears

they heeded not

To

before the mulled

claret.

symposium the A.-D.-C. -in-Waiting

this

has invited himself on behalf of the Empire.

He

by Mr. Eastwick, and

archaic

Anthem composed

sing the Imperial

will

Persian

it will

Man
The Man

the benefit of the

in

be present.

in

suffering

be translated into

by an imperial Munshi for

from a cold in

Buckram, who

will

Buckram, who
his

heart,

wrapped up in himself and a cocked

will

hat.

is

be

The

Press Commissioner has also asked for an invi-

He

tation.
sit

futurum

will deliver a

eras

there

tell

allowed

for

be

an

interval

swearing

" Quid

the old story about

Service going to the dogs

will

A Com-

fuge quaerere.^'

mander-in-Chief will
the

sentiment

of

after

ten

which

minutes

and hiccuping.

The

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

207

Travelling M.P. will take the opportunity to

down

jot

a few hasty notes on

teristics for the

under

placed

Twentieth Century before being

the

The

table.

subsequently be told off to

some sesquipedalian

the twelve-foot-tiger story.

a

tell

make
this

at

Mrs. Lollipop

and make tea; and Ali Baba

fib

(unless his heart

will

up

reflections in the

The Shikarry will then

rodomontade mood.

will

will

function the Baboo will

During

deliver

this

Baboo

on the Member's

sit

head.

tell

Aryan charac-

is

too full of mulled claret)

The company

a joke.

after

point,

receiving

will

break

a plenary

dispensation from the Archdeacon.

Under such
serious

he

learn from the

and be cheered by the

little

Sallies of his youth.

upon the horizon of

boiled up,

of youth.

But

sunrise,

though

Sometimes
Ali

his

Sally Lollipop

middle age.

She

pure blanc-mange and roses, over

the dark brim of

her,

sallies

wisdom of age

Mrs. Lollipop can hardly be called one

of the
rose

Baba may become

influences Ali

may

life's

afternoon, a blushing

late to rise,

after spending

Baba

feels

and most cheerful.

an afternoon with

so cheered that the Go-

ONE DAY

208

'^

IN INDIA.

vernment of India seems quite innocent and

bright, like an old ballerina seen through the

champagne and

mists of

down

lime-light.

He

walks

the Mall smiling upon foolish Under-

Secretaries

and

fat

Baboos.

The people whis-

per as he passes, "There goes Ali Baba''; and

"Who

echo answers
a

little

Baba?"

Ali

is

Then

wind of conjecture breathes through

the pine-trees and names are heard.

It

is

better

Nothing

is

clature.

*'

not to

call

once knew a

Baba names.

had

his

nomen-

man who was

Counsellor of the Empress

to have

Ali

so misleading as a vulgar

called

when he ought

''

photograph exposed in the

London shop-windows like King Cetewayo,

K.C.M.G. I have heard an eminent Frontier
General called " Judas Iscariot," and I myself
was once pointed out as a " Famine Commissioner/' and afterwards as an expurgated
edition

the

of

Government.
Ali

Baba would

other name.

Secretary

to

the

smell

sweeter

under some

This was a mistake.

Almost everything you are told

a mistake.

Punjab

People seemed to think that

You should never

in Simla

is

believe anything

-*

you hear
I

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

20i^

contradicted by the Pioneer.

till it is

the Government of India

suppose

greatest gobemouche in the world.

there never was

is

suppose

an administration of equal

much

importance which received so

informa-

At

and which was so ill-informed.

tion

Simla dinner-party the abysses

bureaucratic

of ignorance that

yawn below

the

company on

every Indian topic are quite appalling

I

the

once heard Mr. Stokes say that he had

never heard of

my

book on the Permanent

Settlement j^nd yet Mr. Stokes

;

man^

intelligent

Cymric and

law.

with

some

I daresay

to

draw

it

would amount to a

is

a decidedly

knowledge

now

if

of

you were

and decant the law on his brain,

off

yet he never heard of

nent Settlement.

full

dose for an adult

my book

He knew

on the Perma-

about Blackstone;

he had seen an old copy once in a second-hand

book shop

work
us

How

but he had never heard of

loosely the world floats

I question its objective reality.

my

around
I doubt

whether anything has more objectivity in

than Ali Baba himself.
flogged at school.

He was

it

certainly

Yet when we now try to

14

210

ONE DAY IN INDIA.

put our finger on Ali Baba he eludes the

touch

when we

try to lay

Cabul,

gibbering

at

Perhaps

would be easier

it

him he

Lahore,

or

up

starts

elsewhere.

to imprison

him

in

morocco boards and allow him to be blown

with restless violence round about the pendant
world,

abandoned
and

lawless

to

critics

uncertain

whom

thoughts

our

imagine

howling.

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W. H.

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Commercial State of the Markets
Courts Martial
Indian Securities
Domestic Intelligence Births
,,
Freights
Marriages

,,
,,
Deaths
&c.
&c.
&c.

Mome Intelligence relating

to India, dfc.
Arrivals reported in England

Original Articles

Miscellaneous Information
Appointments, Extensions of
Furloughs, &c., &c.

Departures
,,
,,
Shipping Arrival of Ships
Passengers

,,
Civil
Departure of Ships
,

Military
Passengers
,,

Ecclesiastical and
Vessel spoken ^rith
,,
J,
Marine
&c.
&c.
&c.

Seview of Works on the East, and ITotices of all affairs connected

with India and the Services.
I

Throughout the Paper one uniform system of arrangement prevails, and at the
conclusion of each year an Index is furnished, to enable Subscribers to
bind up the Volume, which forms a complete
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