XENOFILKIA

APRIL

#94

WELCOME TO XENOFILKIA, the bimonthly filkzine.

EDITOR: Lee Gold, 3965 Alla Road, Los Angeles, CA 90066; (310) 306-7456
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Table of Contents

Cover: Sorceress by Michelle Dockrey

Beast of My Kind
.
The Last March of Gondor
Gardener
Talkin' Tolkien
Vorthalia the Bold
The Latest West-Coast Filker
Red-Haired Girl
High Fly the Nazgul - additional verse
Broken Cradle
What Happened to the Mars Lander
A Lament for a Future Lost
News from Iraq
What's Left of the Stars
A Worm with No Name
Unicode
Real Old Time Religion - more verses
First Contact, Worst Case
Makin' Poopie
Fast Broom
The Song of Wandering Charlie

by Mark A. Mandel
by Robert Wynne & Larissa March
by Jane Mailander
by Blake Hodgetts
by Catherine O'Shea
by Bill Laubenheimer
by Eloise Mason
by Rick Weiss
by Mike Van Pelt
by Pat Mathews
by Mark Homing
by Marcus Bales
by H. Paul Shuch
by Michael McAfee
by Gary McGath
by Jim Rousey and Gary McGath
by Nick Smith
by Robin Baylor
by Debra Fran Baker
& NightRoads Associates
by Ariel Weinberg

1874
1875
1876
1877
1878
1880
1881
1881
1882
1883
1884
1885
1886
1887
1888
1889
1890
1891
1892
1893

All songs and artwork not covered by prior copyright are Copyright as part of Xenofilkia #94, April, 2004.
All rights to artwork and songs revert to the authors upon publication of Xenofilkia #94.
-page i-

XENOFILKIA #94
BEAST OF MY KIND

by Mark A. Mandel, Copyright 2004

to the tune of "Least Of My Kind," by Cat Faber
Prowling around the flocks,
Slipping between the rocks,
Seeking my chance to leap and rend.
Suddenly, on the wind,
Scent of my foe and kin:
Traitor, who call yourself "man's best friend"!
Think on the bargain's cost,
What's gained and what is lost?
Tethered and tamed and confined,
Robbed of your destiny,
Slave now, who once was free,
You are the leashed of my kind.
There stands my witless prey,
Too close to run away.
Lunge, leap, and strike! It lies now dead.
Tearing, I start to feed,
Driven by haste and need,
Flesh, fleece, and grass all the same blood-red.
Think on the bargain's cost,
What's gained and what is lost?
Tethered and tamed and confined,
Robbed of your destiny,
Slave now, who once was free,
You are the leashed of my kind.
Now we come face to face,
Two of one sundered race,
Gaze holding gaze across the kill.
Slowly, you stoop to lick,
Tongue flashing sharp and quick...
Wild in your eyes now, the wolf lives still!
Now is the bargain lost,
Now that you know the cost,
No more to serve, confined.
Back to your destiny,
Pack-brother, living free,
You are the beast of my kind!

page 1874

XENOFILKIA #94
THE LAST MARCH OF GONDOR
by Robert Wynne and Larissa March, Copyright 2004
to the tune of "Least of My Kind" by Cat Faber
Armored in battle mail,
Swearing we shall not fail,
Cursing, we ride to Mordor's Door.
Men, elves and dwarves unite
Facing the Shadow's might
Here is a challenge he can't ignore!
Well spent the battle cost
All hope is not yet lost
Frodo still carries the ring
You have not fought in vain
When you march forth again
You shall be led by your king.
We fought and did not yield
Pelennor's battlefield
Now we approach the Dark Lord's gate
Sauron we will defy
Hoping to draw his eye
Far from the one who'll decide our fate
Well spent the battle cost
All hope is not yet lost
Frodo still carries the ring
You have not fought in vain
When you march forth again
You shall be led by your king.
One day may tell the tale
Courage of men shall fail
That will not be this day, I swear
Look on me now, Dark Lord
Reforged, the broken sword
Thought you that Isildur had no heir?
Well spent the battle cost
All hope is not yet lost
Frodo still carries the ring
You have not fought in vain
When you march forth again
You shall be led by your king.

page 1875

XENOFILKIA #94

page 1876

GARDENER

by Jane Mailander 3/8/2004

to the tune of "Boundless?" by Blake Hodgetts
Based on the book THE RETURN OF THE KING - specifically, on the chapters "The Scouring of the
Shire" and "The Grey Havens," and the information in Appendix A regarding the eventual fates of the members
of the Fellowship.
I look out over my countryside, naked and dirty and scarred,
Wounded by cruelty, fouled by the Chief and his Guard.
Families homeless and holes battered in,
Old trees felled and rotting within,
Win one last battle, let my work begin...
This winter will be very hard.
Hear me oh, hear me oh,
There's a homeland in pain that I have to regrow. (2x)
I have been gone for a year on a mission to walk into Hell.
Horrors and bloodshed and grief I have learned all too well.
Carrying Evil to Fire's home land,
By one I loved I took my stand.
He slew the Ring as it wounded his hand Can't believe that we both lived to tell.
Hear me oh, hear me oh,
There's a homeland in pain that I have to regrow. (2x)
Gift of the Eldar I open and share with the land of my birth.
Strange silver nut in a box full of grey Elven earth.
Each single grain laid with care and desire
In land marked with filth and with fire,
Healing the length and the breadth of the Shire...
Come Spring, we'll discover its worth.
Hear me oh, hear me oh,
There's a homeland in pain that I have to regrow. (2x)
I look out over my countryside, thriving and green and reborn.
Fat healthy people and fields full of barley and corn.
Young trees climb skyward, replacing the old,
Bearing blossoms of fruit they will hold,
And one tree in Elven-hued silver and gold...
So why does the gardener mourn?
Hear me oh, hear me oh,
I've a life to be lived, for I promised him so. (2x)
Hole full of children, a long happy life, and the lass I love best;
Gifts that a hero receives at the end of a Quest.
All of this country my garden to tend,
As I once kept the plot at Bag End.
But now old age has withered my Rose in my hand...
It's time I went into the West.
Hear me oh, hear me oh,
There's a final long journey that I have to go. (2x)

XENOFILKIA #94
I look out over the Sea from this vessel all gleaming and grey.
Hailed as the Last of the Ringbearers, carried away.
Singing Elves greet as my ship comes to land.
I stumble in soft silver sand.
Pm lifted up by a four-fmgered hand...
"Well, Pm here, Mr. Frodo," I say.
Hear me oh, hear me oh,
There's a fmal long journey that I have to go. (2x)

TALKIN' TOLKIEN
Parody Lyrics Copyright 2004 Blake Hodgetts, inspired by a subject heading on rec.music.filk:
to the tune of "Talkin' Baseball" by Terry Cashman
Well, Gandalf got it started,
Knew hobbits were stout-hearted,
Although their way of life was quite reserved.
From duty Sam and Frodo never swerved,
And in the end old Sauron got what he deserved.
We're talkin' Tolkien,
From Bree to Minas Tirith.
Talkin' Tolkien,
Fangom to Osgiliath.
Samwise stabbing Shelob using Sting;
Aragom, returning as the King;
We're talkin' Frodo, Gollum and the Ring.
Now Legolas and Gimli,
They went to battle grimly,
While Faramir was placed upon a pyre.
Merry and Pippin risked their lives to save the Shire,
And Frodo brought the One back to its forging fire.
We're talkin' Tolkien,
From Weathertop to Tookland,
Talkin' Tolkien,
From Isengard to Buckland.
Bloody swords and axes clang and cling;
Gandalf making heads roll with Glamdring;
We're talkin' Frodo, Gollum and the Ring.

page 1877

XENOFILKIA #94

page 1878

VORTHALIA HIE BOLD

by Catherine O'Shea
to the tune of "Pinky and the Brain"
This is the theme song for the 'historical' children's show 'Vorthalia the Bold - Legendary Hero from the
Time of Isolation' for which, if you recall, Miles still remembers all nine verses (A Civil Campaign). I suspect
this was one of those 'historical' shows in which the hero managed to have a key part in every single historical
event of importance! Thus there are references to Vorlopoulos' cooks (verse 2) , Lord Midnight (verse 5), the
Incendiary Cat Plot (verse 6), the defenestration of the Council of Counts (verse 7) and the Countess who had
herself legally declared male in order to inherit, and was involved in a bizarre court case over her later marriage
(verse 8), not to mention the folk tale with the basil pot (verse 4). I strongly suspect that there was, in fact a
tenth verse about the mutant who kept his heart in a box; given Miles' personal feelings on mutants, however, it
is not surprising that he never memorised this verse, and failed to recall its existence.

Chorus: Vorthalia the Bold! Vorthalia the Bold!

Legendary Hero in days of Old
With brawn as well as brain
He'll save the day again!
Vorthalya*
Vorthalia the Bold, bold, bold, bold
Bold, bold, bold, bold
Bold.
In isolation time
With villains great or small
When it came to fighting crime
He was the best of all!
CHORUS
He can fight in any strife
With sword or mace or hook
With a cleaver or a knife
He's better than a cook!
CHORUS
When dimmer heroes fall
His wits will stay the course
For it's known to one and all
That he's smarter than his horse!
CHORUS
The ladies love his air
And in charm he has no peers
Though their families may glare
No basil pot he fears!
CHORUS
Politic'ly astute
The Council he could sway
For he knew that in a vote
Lord Midnight would say "Neigh!".
CHORUS

* This spelling indicates a three-syllable pronunciation

of Vorthalia, instead of the usual four.

XENOFILKIA #94

page 1879

When in a treas'nous plot

His rivals did conspire
He knew well that one must not
Set the cat on fire!
CHORUS
He'd an educator's mind
In service to the State
To the Council he defined
The verb 'defenestrate'
CHORUS
His love seemed doomed to fail
For his wife he had to sue
Though declared both Count and male
She was a countess too!
CHORUS
So watch and listen here
And you'll hear the story told
Of a hero without peer Of Vorthalia the Bold!
Vorthalia the Bold!
Vorthalia the Bold!
His deeds are uncounted,
His virtues untold!
With brawn as well as brain
He'll save the day again!
Vorthalya*
Vorthalia the Bold, bold, bold, bold
Bold, bold, bold, bold
Bold.

Callie Hills wrote MASSFILC: I was chatting with one of my filker buddies today, and he reminded me that
our new album was NOT the only recent release to feature my musical input. I'm certainly proud of the work I
did for Blake Hodgetts' album, and think that if you like eclectic, lyric-rich filk, you should check it out.
Featured performers include Tony Fabris on guitar and Arlene ("Callie") Hills (Echo's Children) on flute lending
color and depth. Rounding out the performance roster are cameos by Angelica Sather Hodgetts (courtesy of Ash
Productions) and harpist Laura Zaerr.
This CD runs over 73 minutes and includes a full 12-page booklet with all of the song lyrics. For more
information and audio samples, please see the album's webpage at: http://vvww.efn.org/bch/blindsight.html
"Storming Heaven," the new CD by Avalon Rising, can be bought at http://www.avalonrising.com/disc.html .
It's a collection of progressive Celtic and original rock songs ranging from dance tunes to ballads, with hints of
Otherwhere and Otherwhen. Lead singers are Kristoph Klover and Margaret Davis. Instrumentalists are Klover
(electric guitar), Davis (flute and harp), and Cat Taylor (electric fiddle), backed by the rhythm section of Mark
Ungar, Kevin Fanning, and Scott Irwin.

XENOFILKIA #94

page 1880

THE LATEST WEST-COAST FILKER

by Bill Laubenheimer (instigated by Carole Parker)

to the tune of "The Last Saskatchewan Pirate" by The Arrogant Worms
(The phrases in braces in the last line are intended as seasonal. The one to be done depends on whether FKO
or OVFF is next on the schedule.)
I used to be a writer, and I made a living fair
From references and user guides for sundry high-tech ware.
But times were hard, and though I tried, I lost my job one day -The VPs shipped it overseas and told me "That's our way."
I scoured the Net for writing jobs, the answer always no,
There were some slots for editors, the pay was much too low.
Job websites sent programmer reqs, I could not work out why,
I cashed my unemployment checks until the well ran dry
Then I thought, I'm losing heart, I can't let this go on,
I need to fmd some filkers at my local S-F con:
Chorus

'Cause it's a heave-ho! heigh-ho! filker's life for me,

Stealing tunes and twisting words to fit the melody.
And it's a ho-hey! heigh-hey! Fanboys, run and hide,
When you see the dandelion that the filkers wear with pride.

You'd think that local fandom would be aware of me,

But just the other con, a careless fan I chanced to see.
As he was whistling gaily, I filked him on the spot,
Lampooned his books, his games, his clothes, and hair he hasn't got.
An overpass near Portland spans a mighty stream,
Fanboys scurry under it, too scared to even scream,
'Cause they know Banjo Carole could be lurking awfully close,
To capture them and sing them hours of off-key fanfic ose,
(Chorus)
Well, Lawyer Ray he sued us 'cause he thought we played too loose,
He lost five times in court -- he didn't understand Fair Use,
But his clients lost their taste for paying thousands every day,
And now he's drumming with us and we call him Bodhran Ray.
A guitar and a songbook, and a pleasant place to play,
I won't bow to Michael Jackson or the R-I-Double-A,
From Rusty- down to CopperCon, the terrors of the West
If you bring a song into the room, we'll filk our very best
(Chorus)
The filker life's appealing, but you won't just fmd it here,
I've found in Germany there's bands that you've just got to hear.
They roam the Rhine from Dusseldorf, through Bingen to Cologne,
Taking songs from many countries, to filk them for their own.
Well now the hour is getting late, the con's about to end.
My filking's done for now, but I am glad to call you friends.
I'll be back next filk con, but now I've got to go.
I hear there's lots of singing done {at FilkOntario} / {in central O-hi-o}
(Chorus twice)

XENOFILKIA #94

page 1881

RED-HAIRED GIRL

by Eloise (Beltz-Decker) Mason, with apologies to Charles Schultz

to the tune of 'Brown-Eyed Girl', by Van Morrison
Hey, all those years ago, back before I knew your name ...
Holdin' out a football, or playin' a baseball game.
Flyin' kites into trees and laughin', teasin' you just for fun.
Watchin' Snoopy fly his doghouse into the morning sun.
I miss you, my Red-Haired Girl;
You, my Little Red-Haired Girl.
Now whatever happened to Franklin and Pigpen?
They wandered out of our lives, but I'm seeing their faces again.
Goin' off to college, growin' apart, no matter how hard we tried.
Findin' you in grad school, honey, holdin' you while you cried
On me, my Red-Haired Girl;
You, my Little Red-Haired Girl.
Bridge: Do you remember how we used to sing?
[If your guitar skills are up to the task, insert several bars of 'Linus and Lucy'
(aka that song Schroeder was always playing on piano) here.
Otherwise, sing it with na na nas. Hey, this is filk - dignity??]

So hard to fmd our way, now that we're on our own.

Saw Linus just the other day man, how that boy has grown.
He came out of the closet last year (sometimes I'm overcome thinkin' about it).
And I worry 'bout poor ol' Marcie, now that her 'Sir' is gone,
But you're my Red-Haired Girl.
You're my Little Red-Haired Girl.

HIGH FLY THE NAZGUL additional verse

by Rick Weiss
to the tune of "Green Grow the Rashes-O"
Did I get it in first? How many variations have come in? [This is the only one I've got.--LG]
I'll sing eleven, oh
High fly the Nazgul, oh!

What is your eleven, oh?

Eleven for Peter Jackson's Oscars, ten for the battles of the ring, and nine for the nine brave walkers....

Issue #100 of Xenofilkia is fast approaching, in just another year. Chances are that issue will also have page
1984. Anyone with suitable songs should consider sending them in, in advance. Many thanks. Lee

XENOFILKIA #94

page 1882

BROKEN CRADLE

by Mike Van Pelt

to the tune of "Cat's in the Cradle", Harry Chapin
I started on this soon after the Columbia crash, but it was too depressing to work on; I only had a few lines and
the last verse. Saturday night at Baycon, I got hit in the head with inspiration, and completed it to this point.
We splashed down just the other day,
Returned to Earth in our usual way
Barely mentioned on the evening news,
We didn't get any interviews
It's not like it was with Neil and Buzz
No missions planned to go back, now
But I know we're gonna go again.
Just one week ago we walked on the Moon
I really believe we'll go back real soon
We can't ignore the future or lose the dream
Our future is out in space
Our future has to be in space
The new space shuttle's delayed again
Skylab hits Australia, now that's a sin
That station could be saved without much cost
But space is out of style and much more was lost
So there's pieces of our future scattered on the ground
We've got to start it all again
We've got to start it all again
I remember when I walked on the Moon
I still believe we'll go back there soon
I just don't know when, but we've got to go
I hope we don't move too slow
I really hope we aren't too slow.
I just heard the news, another shuttle down
What's left of the program has been shut down
They say the cost's too high, and the risk too great
Going out there will have to wait
What we really need now is to fix things on Earth here
No more space flight, too much risk we fear.
A long time ago we walked on the Moon
I'd like to believe we'll go back there soon
But all they say about that is it's not the time,
There's problems plenty here on Earth, now,
There's problems plenty here on Earth.

XENOFTLICIA #94

page 1883

I'm the last one left who on Luna trod

And they've just spotted an asteroid
It's five years out; we've got lots of time
One milliarcsecond will do just fine
And through bureaucratic turf wars and political fights
We finished it just in time, yeah
It was on the pad just in time.
But though we tried to regain skills that we once had
It blew up on the pad.
All hope died on that pad.
It's hard to believe we walked on the Moon
I used to believe we'd go back there soon
TV shows the shock wave, now it's clear
We died when we no longer dreamed
You die when you no longer dream

The only meaningful memorial, the only one that will really count, will be when there are streets, tunnels, living and working
quarters named after each of those astronauts--and those who will yet die in this effortin permanently occupied stations on
the moon, on Mars, in the asteroid belt, and beyond. Bruce F. Webster

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE MARS LANDER

by Pat Mathews, an exercise in the obvious
to the tune of "Hope Eyrie"
England's Rover has lost its voice
The data, we'll never know
It's been downed by an enemy
A bad guy known to both you and me
Yes, a most familiar foe.
Rover's now in the doghouse
Which has not been seen,
Since last a Beagle flew in 1918!
Wartime memories linger long
Revenge is best served cold
Marvin's taken a second place
To a daring German flying ace
A hundred and twenty years old
Yes, the Baron has Beagle,
Tell the nations when
We'll have to fight the War of Worlds again!

XENOFILKIA #94

page 1884

A LAMENT FOR A FUTURE LOST

Copyright Mark E. Horning 2004

to the tune of "The Piano Man," by Billy Joel; Time signature = 3/4
Am
C
Em/B
C/G
It's three AM* on a Saturday,
F
C/E
D7
The guitars stand ready to play
C
Em/B
Am
C/G
And all I desire is a melody
F
Gil
C (F Cmaj7)
That will take me somewhere far away.

* " 10 PM," "really damn late," etc. as appropriate

C
Em/B
Am
C/G
The future once was a friend of mine,
D7
F
C/E
But its former bright luster has paled
C
Em/B
For it seems every day,
Am
We get further away
F
Gil
From the promises it once entailed

Bridge:
Am
- da da
D7
- da da

Am
Am/G
D7/F# F
da da da - de de da
D7/F#
Am/G
- de de da
G G/F C/E G7/D

Am
C
Em
Sing out a song of the future now
D7
F
C/E
Sing out a song tonight
Em/B
Am
C
C/G
And you might rekindle a memory
F
Gil
Of a future that used to be bright.

The Concord once flew supersonic.

From New York to Heathrow she'd soar.
On the opposite run,
She would outpace the sun,
But now she is flying no more
And this dismal reality's killing me
As the world becomes more mundane
And the glories and marvels we read about
Seem to have been written in vain.
Bridge

XENOFILKIA #94

page 1885

Our moonbase was forfeit to politics

While NASA sings the same tune
And because of our fears,
It has been 30 years*
Since a man last walked on the moon
Challenger was lost in smoke and flame
And Columbia fell from the sky
With so many setbacks,
I have finally* lost track
But I know that too many have died.*

* For the nitpicky, change to "35 years" in 2007 and

"40-odd years" in 2008. Thinking about 50-odd
years is just too depressing to consider.

* I sing "I have fine-ly lost track" but some folks insist
the word is pronounced with three syllables.

* Alternative: And it seems now we're too scared to try.

Sing out a song of the future now

Sing out a song tonight
And you might rekindle a memory
Of a future that used to be bright
Kate Gladstone & Martin DeMello suggested on rm.f

We have turned our back on the possible

And substituted the tame
For all risk we avoid
And our spirit's destroyed
And the "Cult of the Safe" is to blame.
And the writers are churning out fantasies,
As Science falls from its throne,
It's a poor excuse for literature
But it's better than dreaming alone.
Bridge
Sing out a song of the future now
Sing out a song tonight
And you might rekindle a memory
Of a future that used to be bright.

NEWS FROM IRAQ

a poem by Marcus Bales
Near Tikrit a tractor-trailer load
Of 3-M Post-It Notes was stoke;
Northbound outside Baghdad, at a roadBlock by a bridge over the rain-swollen
Tigris, a semi hauling paper clips
Was hijacked at just about the same time.
Police, reviewing various data and tips,
Suspect it's the work of Iraqi organized crime.
When Bush was finally told the thefts occurred
He slapped his desk and said might have known -Those cottage cheesers!" The staff, confused, conferred
With Condi, who dismissed it with a word:
"The Shia or the Sunnis might be stirred
To organize, but Kurds have a way of their own."

We have turned our backs on the possible

And chosen to cling to the tame
And the State will assure us
We're safe and secure, as
We deal ourselves out of the game

XENOFILKIA #94
WHAT'S LEFT OF THE STARS

lyrics 2004 by Dr. H. Paul Shuch, his 2004 Earth Day song.
sung to the tune of "What's Left of the Flag" 2002 by Dave King of Flogging Molly
Note that the chorus keeps morphing, from one verse to the next. Drama!
(I sing it much slower than the original melody. It is, after all, a requiem for a planet.)
We will make great haste
As we head to space.
We are searching the cosmos wide
For another stone
We can make our home,
For the world of our birth has died.
Fly away, me boys, fly away, me boys
From our own sun's gravity.
A galactic cloud be your spacer's shroud;
Save the rest of the stars for me.
We have turned our back
On the skies of black
And the ocean a sickly green.
Though I must confess
That our world's a mess,
She's the best one that I have seen.
Fly away, me boys, fly away, me boys
From our own sun's gravity.
A galactic cloud be your spacer's shroud;
Save the best of the stars for me.
Every human grieves
For the forest leaves
And the birds that once filled the sky.
No one lives now who
Has seen skies of blue,
But the memories never die.
Fly away, me boys, fly away, me boys
From our own sun's gravity.
A galactic cloud be your spacer's shroud;
Save the best of the stars from me.
Try to understand
It was our own hand
Turned our Earth to a holy hell.
We survivors best
Learn our lessons, lest
We destroy other worlds as well.
Turn away, me boys, turn away, me boys,
We're our world's worst enemy.
A galactic cloud be your spacer's shroud;
Save what's left of the stars from me.

page 1886

XENOFILK1A #94
A WORM WITH NO NAME
words by Michael McAfee
to the tune of "A Horse With No Name" by America
Em
D6/9
On my first week on the planet Dune I went
Em
D6/9
Walking out on the sand
Em
D6/9
I knew not to step with a steady beat as I
Em
D6/9
across
the
land
Went
Em
D6/9
An ornithopter went overhead
Em
D6/9
Looking for spice below but the
Em
D6/9
Beauty of all the heat and dust
Em
D6/9
Was something they'd never know; You see I've
[chorus]
Em9
Dmaj9
Been to Arrakis on a worm with no name, but I'm
Em9
Dmaj9
Glad that I went just the same; on
Em9
Dmaj9
Arrakis, House Harkonnen may reign but there's
Em9
Dmaj9
Too much mystery for them to contain

After two weeks on the planet Dune

My eyes began to turn blue; after
Three weeks on the planet Dune
A feeling in my heart grew
And I was taught well and my knowledge was great, and I
Knew what I had to do; because I've
[chorus]
After nine days, I let the worms run free because their
Secret was plain to see; and the
Spice I breathed gave me strange dreams, and my
Sister's the same, it seems
Arrakis has an ocean, but it's deep underground, and the
Fremen will guard it well; will we
Triumph with our weapons of sound?
Only the spice can tell. You see I've
[chorus]

page 1887

XENOFILKIA #94

page 1888

UNICODE

by Gary McGath, Copyright 2003. May not be published, electronically or in print, without the author's
permission. May not be archived except for personal use.
Thanks to Mark Mandel for reviewing this and offering a few suggestions.
to the tune of Shel Silverstein's "The Unicorn"
A long time ago, on the old machines,
There were more kinds of characters than you've ever seen.
Nobody could tell just which set they had to load,
They wished that somehow they could have one kind of code.
There was US-ASCII, simplified Chinese,
Arabic and Hebrew and Vietnamese,
And Latin-1 and Latin-2, but don't feel snowed;
We'll put them all together into Unicode.
The users saw this Babel, and it made them blue,
So a big consortium said, "This is what we'll do:
We will take this pile of sets and give each one its place,
Using sixteen bits or thirty-two, we've lots of space
For the US-ASCII, simplified Chinese,
Arabic and Hebrew and Vietnamese,
And Latin-1 and Latin-2, we'll let them load
In a big set of characters called Unicode.
The Klingons arrived when they heard the call,
And they saw the sets of characters, both big and small.
They said to the consortium, "Here's what we want:
Just a little bit of space for the Klingon font."
"You've got US-ASCII, simplified Chinese,
Arabic and Hebrew and Vietnamese,
And Latin-1 and Latin-2, but we'll explode
You if you don't put Klingon characters in Unicode."
The Unicode Consortium just shook their heads,
Though the looks that they were getting caused a sense of dread.
"The set that we've assembled is for use on Earth,
And a foreign planet is the Klingons' place of birth."
We've got US-ASCII, simplified Chinese,
Arabic and Hebrew and Vietnamese,
And Latin-1 and Latin-2, but you can't goad
Us into putting Klingon characters in Unicode.
The Klingons grew as angry as a minotaur;
They went back to their spaceship and declared a war.
Three hundred years ago this happened, but they say
That's why the Klingons still despise the Earth today.
We've got US-ASCII, simplified Chinese,
Arabic and Hebrew and Vietnamese,
And Latin-1 and Latin-2, but we'll be blowed
If we'll put the Klingon language into Unicode.

XENOFILKIA #94

page 1889

REAL OLD TIME RELIGION more verses

by Jim Rousey
Quetzalcoatl's quite a smarty
And he sure knows how to party
Always has a meal that's hearty
And that's good enough for me.
Now, a faithful household Herm
Well, you'll really make him squirm
If his worm is now unfirm,
And that's good enough for me.
Pontus was born with Uranus
Which shoulda made him famous
Dear lost sea god, please don't blame us
And that's good enough for me.
Demiurge was once the "builder"
Hope the name won't you bewilder
Praid the Gnostics kind of killed her
And that's good enough for me.
Ophion was one big snake
He could cause the earth to shake
Lost his teeth and had an ache
And that's good enough for me.
(Yes, in the following one, it's pronounced just like in that movie that you might have seen)

Ananke's more than just a mummy:

She's Necessity, you dummy!
With old Khronos, she got chummy.
And that's good enough for me.
Out of vacuum came the gods.
Out of water, ice, or clods,
They made us, we simple sods
And that's good enough for me.
***** *********************

and by Gary McGath, to end the song when it's

We've sung blessings, we've sung curses,

But what makes it all the worse is
We have sung nine billion verses,
And that's good enough for

been going on too long.

XENOFILKIA #94
FIRST CONTACT, WORST CASE
by Nick Smith, August, 2003
to the tune of "Old Rosin, the Beau"
The signal came from the antenna
And scientists all took their bows.
First contact, but one tiny problem:
The aliens looked just like cows.
The aliens looked just like cows, the aliens looked just like cows.
First contact, but one tiny problem: the aliens looked just like cows.
Imagine our shock and confusion,
And then the next shoe hit the floor!
The alien vessel was seeking
Their colony sent long before.
Their colony sent long before, their colony sent long before
The alien vessel was seeking their colony sent long before.
A colony ship had gone missing
Some thousands of years in the past.
A mayday sent homeward at light-speed
Had brought forth a rescue at last.
Had brought forth a rescue at last, had brought forth a rescue at last
A mayday sent homeward at light-speed had brought forth a rescue at last
The colony ship had long vanished
Its signals had all died away
The aliens hoped they'd be able
To take its descendants away.
To take its descendants away, to take its descendants away
The aliens hoped they'd be able to take its descendants away.
Instead, they had found human cities
And nary a trace could they find
Of records left by their own people
Or civilizations bovine
Of civilizations bovine, of civilizations bovine,
Of records left by their own people or civilizations bovine.
The scientists tried not to answer
The questions the aliens had
For somehow they knew that the answers
Were cosmic-disastrously bad
Were cosmic-disastrously bad, were cosmic-disastrously bad
For somehow they knew that the answers were cosmic-disastrously bad.
They radioed down a long sequence
That turned out to be DNA
One scientist looked, and said "Hereford"
And quietly fainted away.
And quietly fainted away, and quietly fainted away,
One scientist looked, and said "Hereford", and quietly fainted away.

page 1890

XENOFILKIA #94
It seems that the colony landed
In England, millennia past.
Genetic drift, shipwreck and climate
Had turned them barbaric too fast.
Had turned them barbaric too fast, had turned them barbaric too fast
Genetic drift, shipwreck and climate had turned them barbaric too fast.
They'd been interbred with our cattle
And eaten on barbecue grills
"Or milked, which is worse", a man uddered.
Our warm alien climate was chilled.
Our warm alien climate was chilled, our warm alien climate was chilled
Some puns just cannot be repeated, our warm alien climate was chilled.
The aliens proved understanding
And reckoned we weren't to blame
When first they met sentient grasses
They'd really done almost the same.
They'd really done almost the same, they'd really done almost the same,
When first they met sentient grasses, they'd really done almost the same.
"Your planet is judged and found wanting,
And when we return to the stars
We'll spare all your innocent people
But Ronald McDonald is ours!"
But Ronald McDonald is ours, but Ronald McDonald is ours
Some things just cannot be forgiven, and Ronald McDonald is ours!

MAKIN' POOPIE
Copyright Robin Baylor, 2003-2004,
to the tune of "Makin' Whoopie"
Another diaper, another day
And yet more waste to put away.
S/he could be peein', but as you're seem'
S/he's making poopie.
All babes & Mommies, we gotta know
That when it's coming, you gotta go
It's in the diaper; now get the wiper
S/he's makin poopie.
Every one loves a baby
Except when they've got "an air"
Now I am counting time till
I see less derriere
So now they say it's Catch 22
A better diaper slows learning, too.
The kid won't mind it, when all's behind it
When making poopie.

page 1891

XENOFILKIA #94

FAST BROOM
(Spoiler for Harry Potter book #5)
Words Copyright 2003 Debra Fran Baker and NightRoads Associates
previously posted to my livejoumal, www.livejournal.com/users/mamadeb/ and to rmf
to the tune of "Fast Car" by Tracy Chapman, 1988
I got a fast broom,
Made to seek little golden balls
Maybe I can fly to heaven
Maybe my broom can run from it all
Any fate is better
Fighting to live and what's the use
Maybe I'll find myself
Maybe I'll learn I've got nothing to lose.
I got a fast broom
He has a family that holds him close
She can learn any spell there is
Friends so close I'm afraid to care
In my fear he'll kill them too
Just cast his curse as green as my eyes
And I'll be alone with just this scar
And know what it means to feed on death.
You see You Know Who's got a problem
If one of us lives, the other one dies
And he says I'm the one who's got to go
I say I'm gonna rid the world of him.
My folks died just to keep me alive
It's not much of a life but it's what I got,
And if somebody's got to take care of him
Might as well be me, with nothing to lose.
I got a fast broom
It flies so fast I can sweep the sky.
One day it'll take me to battle
I'll fight that ghoul or he'll win the day.
There are times when I'm flying, flying on my broom
Flying so fast I could race the wind
Whole world beneath my feet
Nothing to fear, no death up there
And I had a feeling that I belonged
And I had a feeling that I could live for real, live for real, live for real
I got a fast broom
I can catch the little golden ball
He bought this broom for me
He was killed because I'm too young
I know things won't get better
He'll still be dead and I'll die fighting
I'll finish with Hogwarts school
Fight Voldemort until he kills me.

page 1892

XENOFILKIA #94
I got a fast broom.
It takes me far away from myself
But now he's dead and it lies in my trunk
And my friends can't see why I keep alone.
I'd never dreamed about anything
Except how people I love come to die
I have no plans on how to defeat him
I'll take my fast broom and keep on flying.
I got a fast broom
I wish I could fly away from this world
But others made the decision
I fight for my life and I'll die this way.
I got a fast broom....

THE SONG OF WANDERING CHARLIE

by Ariel Weinberg
a poem inspired by Yeats' poem "The Song of Wandering Aengus" and by "Charlie on the MTA"
I went down to the T station
Because a train was in my head
I kissed my wife and family
And off with a dime in my pocket I sped.
And when I entered at Kendall Square
And changed cars for the JP route
I dropped the dime into the farebox
But the conductor would not let me out.
I gazed in vain upon the floor
But could not find silver aflame
The conductor still stood in the door
And I could not get off of that train.
My wife still brings me sandwiches
Every day at quarter till three
She tells me Walter A. O'Brian lost
And the fare's so high I'll never be free.
Though I am old with wandering
From Scollay Square to Wonderland
I know someday I'll find a dime
And jump for joy and clap my hands
And walk along the Esplanade
And ride till time and times are done
The Silver Line bus under the moon
The Gold Cab underneath the sun!

page 1893