Living with an Aspergers Partner

Contents
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
11.
12.
13.
14.
15.
16.
17.
18.
19.
20.
21.
22.
23.
24.
25.
26.
27.
28.
29.

Introduction
Aspergers Diagnosis in Adults
How to Get an Official Diagnosis
How to Tell an Adult They May Have Aspergers
Typical Adult Symptoms
Sexuality Issues
Dating Tips
Being a Partner
Living with Aspergers
Aspergers Men and Relationship Difficulties
Aspergers Women and Relationship Difficulties
Helping Yourself Through Times of Depression
Dealing with Resentment
Relationship Strategies for Aspergers Partners
Love and Affection
Characteristics Women Find Attractive in Aspergers Men
Characteristics Men Find Attractive in Aspergers Women
Aspergers Men and Emotions
Being a Parent
Parenting Strategies for Aspergers Fathers
Parenting Strategies for Aspergers Mothers
Strategies to Improve the Marriage
How to Deal with an Aspergers Man
How to Deal with an Aspergers Woman
Aspergers Men and Empathy
Fighting Fair with Your Aspergers Partner
How to Avoid Divorce
Treatment
Conclusion

Introduction
Aspergers is a pervasive developmental disorder at the highest end of the autism spectrum. People
with Aspergers develop language normally, but often have difficulty with social interactions, fine
and gross motor coordination, and eye contact. They may be extremely passionate about just one or
two topics, with little patience for small talk. They also may struggle to handle normal daily
activities, such as organizing time, managing conflict, or even facing the sensory overload presented
by malls and grocery stores.
Adults with Aspergers may appear painfully shy, or they may be extremely outgoing - sometimes to
the point of being "in your face." That's because people with Aspergers often misinterpret social
interaction.
While there are therapies available to alleviate symptoms and build new skills, there is no
treatment which will cure Aspergers. That means the individual with Aspergers is under no
obligation to seek a professional diagnosis, or to act on a diagnosis once he has it. There are,
however, good reasons to consider seeking a diagnosis, particularly if one feels that Aspergers may
be causing problems or distress.
If one decides to seek a diagnosis, I recommend seeking out individual therapists, neurologists, and
autism centers that are familiar with tests for Aspergers. The most critical point is that one chooses
a therapist, neurologist or center with significant experience in diagnosing adults with Aspergers.
Appropriate diagnosis will involve a variety of tests that focus on intelligence, "adaptive" social and
communication skills, and personal developmental history. An experienced professional can help
distinguish between true Aspergers and other disorders which have some of the same or similar
symptoms (social phobias, anxiety, etc.).
The number of Aspergers adults, like the diagnosis, is hard to pin down. Anecdotal growth in their
ranks and a burgeoning online "Aspie" adult subculture that includes dating sites, advocacy groups
and chat rooms raises the question: Are we starting to discover generations who escaped diagnosis?
The condition officially wasn't recognized until 1994, which leads people to believe doctors are
playing catch-up with adult diagnoses.

Aspergers Diagnosis in Adults

After the question of Aspergers is initially raised, many adults and their family members wonder,
Should I pursue an official diagnosis? For some individuals, doing their own research through
books, on the Internet, and through support and information organizations provides enough
answers and the best explanation regarding challenges that one faces and strengths that one
possesses. Others want the corroboration of a professional.
Official diagnosis is necessary if one wants to apply for Supplemental Security Income (SSI) or
Social Security Disability Insurance (SSDI). A diagnosis is needed to request reasonable
accommodations under the ADA.
How do you get an official diagnosis of Asperger Syndrome?

In addition to those with an MD or PhD, any professional with the credentials and expertise to
diagnose any other condition may also make a diagnosis of Aspergers. Such professionals may be
social workers (MSW), masters level psychologists (MA), or other mental health professionals.
Many individuals pursue neuropsychological testing with a neuropsychologist (PhD) or a
psychiatrist (MD). As a result of this testing, it may be determined that the individual has Aspergers,
something related to Aspergers, or something different. This will give a fairly full picture of
strengths and challenges and of how ones brain processes information.
Neuropsychological testing is not required to get an official diagnosis. To apply for Social Security,
one must receive the diagnosis from an MD or a PhD.
Is it ever too late to discover Aspergers or seek a diagnosis?
It is never too late for an individual to increase self-awareness in order to capitalize on strengths
and work around areas of challenge. Knowing about Aspergers gives the individual an explanation,
not an excuse, for why his or her life has taken the twists and turns that it has. What one does with
this information at the age of 20, 50 or 70 may differ, but it is still very important information to
have.
In early adulthood, one may use the information to plot a course through college:

A single room to decrease social and sensory demands and to have a safe haven
Join interest-based groups (so that socializing has a purpose)
Plot a career that matches interests and abilities
Possibly live at home (to minimize the number of changes all at once)
Request reasonable accommodations at school or at work
Take classes part time (to account for executive functioning/organizational challenges)

In middle adulthood, one may use the information to:

Ask for accommodations at work, or pursue work that is more fitting

Do a life review, understand why careers and relationships have or have not been successful
Improve on relationships or pursue better matches

In late adulthood, one may use the information to:

Do a life review
If possible, customize one's environment to be comfortable and accommodating to the
strengths and challenges of Aspergers
Renew and/or repair relationships affected by Aspergers

Regardless of age, one may use the information to:

Consider disclosure to family, friends, co-workers

Find other people with Aspergers with whom to compare notes (in-person or online)
Find people who share similar interests
Work differently with helping professionals (with an emphasis on concrete coaching help,
building of life skills vs. insight-oriented therapy)
3

If I know someone who I think has Aspergers, should I tell?

Yes. My bias is that it is better to know than not to know. If you have Aspergers and dont know, it
affects you anyway; if you do know, you may be able to minimize the negative impact and leverage
the positive. Without the knowledge that one has Aspergers, one often fills that void with other,
more damaging explanations such as failure, weird, disappointment, not living up to ones potential,
etc.
How do I tell an adult that they may have Aspergers?
Lead with strengths! Most people with Aspergers have significant areas of strength (even if this has
not been translatable into tangible success). Bring up areas of strength with the person with
suspected Aspergers. Next, tactfully point out the areas in which they are struggling. Then, suggest
to them that there is a name for that confusing combination of strengths and challenges, and it may
be Aspergers. You may lead them to www.MyAspergersChild.com or other resources for further
information. Provide support along the way.
Common responses to this information may include:

ANGER: How come no one ever told me before? Ive lost so much time and opportunity not
knowing!
BARGAINING: Maybe theres a cure for this.
DENIAL: I dont have that!
DEPRESSION: Life will never be any good if I have this disorder.
RELIEF: Ive always known there was something different about me.
SHOCK: Oh my God. This is terrible!
TAKES ONE TO KNOW ONE: If thats me, its you too!
ACCEPTANCE: O.K. So I have Aspergers. Its not a death sentence!

Due to misunderstanding their behavior, adults with Aspergers can be seen as selfish by their
family members. Other unfair labels can be:

Cold
Egoistic
Ridged
Uncaring

Their behavior might appear to be unkind or callous. This kind of labeling is unfair and has nothing
to do with behaving inappropriately on purpose. Adults with Aspergers are neurologically unable to
see things from the other persons point of view. They are frequently told by their coworkers or
partners that their actions or remarks are considered painful or rude, which comes as a shock to
them since they were never aware of this in the first place. Therefore, it is important to get a
diagnosis so people around them understand their behavior better.

Typical Adult Symptoms

The Triad of Impairments:
4

Aspergers is characterized by something known as the triad of impairments. This means that
problems will be experienced to varying degrees with imagination, social communication, and
social understanding:
1. Imagination: This does not mean adults on the autism spectrum lack creative abilities,
often the reverse is true. However, they may have trouble imagining alternative outcomes
to given situations, and find it hard to predict what will happen next. This often leads to
anxiety and can result in obsessions with rigid routines, and severe distress can arise if
routines are disrupted. These difficulties with imagination may cause problems with
making plans for the future, organizing one's life sequencing tasks. Some people with
Aspergers over-compensate for this by being extremely meticulous in their planning, and
having extensive written or mental checklists.
2. Social communication: Difficulties often crop up in the social aspects of communication.
This can involve difficulty understanding gestures, body language and facial expressions of
others. This difficulty in understanding the context of social interaction means adults on the
autism spectrum may not be aware of what is socially appropriate, and they have difficulty
chatting or choosing topics to talk about. People with Aspergers may not be socially
motivated because they find communication so difficult, so they may not have many friends
and they may choose not to socialize very much. Some of these problems can be seen in the
way people with Aspergers present themselves. For example, classic traits include difficulty
making eye contact, anxiety in social situations, repetitive speech and difficulties expressing
themselves especially when talking about emotions.
3. Social understanding: Adults with Aspergers may have difficulties in group-situations.
They might not choose appropriate topics to discuss, and find small talk and chatting very
difficult. They may take what people say very literally and have problems understanding
double meanings in teasing, irony and sarcasm.
More males than females have Aspergers. While every person who has the syndrome will
experience different symptoms and severity of symptoms, some of the more common
characteristics include:

Adherence to routines and schedules, and stress if expected routine is disrupted

Average or above average intelligence
Difficulties in empathizing with others
Hampered conversational ability
Inability to manage appropriate social conduct
Inability to think in abstract ways
Problems with controlling feelings such as anger, depression and anxiety
Problems with understanding another person's point of view
Specialized fields of interest or hobbies

Lets go into more detail regarding symptoms

Special Interests Individuals with Aspergers are sometimes found to have an intense or even
obsessive interest or hobby. Sometimes these continue for one's entire lifetime. However, in some
cases, an individual may get smitten with a completely unrelated activity. However, this obsessive
involvement with particular topics helps them in gaining an amazing insight into those fields. These
5

topics could vary from computers to knowing how to play the guitar. Encouraging such individuals
to continue with their interest helps them to acquire an in-depth knowledge in certain fields. This
could help them to gain employment in their fields of interest.
Love for Routines Adults with Aspergers seem to follow routines and rituals religiously. They do
not take very well to a sudden change in their daily time table, and have set hours for everyday
work. The reason behind such mechanical behavior is not very clear. However, it could be an
attempt of further simplifying even the simple things that baffles the mind of an individual who
suffers from Aspergers.
Lack of Social Imagination Although adults with Aspergers can be accomplished musicians and
writers, they are unable to imagine alternatives to social incidents. They cannot predict a normal
course of action according to social norms. For example, going to a wedding reception of a newly
married couple may baffle them.
Difficulty with Social Interaction Their inability to communicate hampers their ability to
maintain friendships. They might be confused at the way other people behave, because they are
unable to understand social ways of conduct. They may lose interest in people and appear aloof
most of the time. They are often mistaken as ignorant and vain individuals.
Difficulty with Social Communication People with Aspergers often find it difficult to
understand others and express themselves. They fail to interpret gestures, facial expressions and
change of tone. They are usually at a loss in choosing a topic to speak on, and do not know when to
start or stop a conversation. They are very literal in what they say and fail to comprehend complex
words and phrases, expressions like metaphors and even jokes. The best way to interact with
individuals with Aspergers is to keep one's sentences short and concise.
Trouble Understanding Emotions A person with Aspergers may have trouble understanding
the emotions of other people, and the subtle messages that are sent by facial expression, eye contact
and body language are often missed. Because of this, a person with Aspergers might be seen as
egotistical, selfish or uncaring. These are unfair labels, because the affected person is neurologically
unable to understand other people's emotional states. They are usually shocked, upset and
remorseful when told their actions were hurtful or inappropriate. Research suggests that the
divorce rate for people with Aspergers is around 80 per cent. Social training, which teaches how to
behave in different social situations, is generally more helpful to a person with Aspergers than
counseling.
Mindblindness Imagine a movie that begins with the following scene: A woman enters a
bedroom, walks around in it, open a few drawers, and then leaves. Most people could not witness
such a scene without thinking about the woman's behavior. Maybe she was looking for something
she thought was in the bedroom. Or maybe she heard something in the bedroom and wanted to find
out what made the noise. Or maybe, we might even imagine, she had intended to go into the kitchen
and forgot where she was going.
All these explanations are based on our inferences about the woman's mental state. What we are
attempting to do, in essence, is read her mind. Most of us engage in such mind-reading all the time.
Without it, we would be "mindblind," unaware of other people's mental existence, of the existence
of thoughts, emotions, intentions, knowledge and memories. We would be unable to make sense of
the actions of others, a terrible dilemma for a member of a social species called Aspies.

Tragically, mindblindness is not the product of an idle thought experiment or a piece of science
fiction. For children and adults with Aspergers neurological disorder that often interferes with,
among other things, the ability to develop normal human relationships mindblindness is all too
real.

Sexuality Issues
Studies suggest that affected people are as interested in sex as anyone else, but many don't have the
social or empathetic skills to successfully manage adult relationships.
Delayed understanding is common; for example, a person with Aspergers aged in their 20s typically
has the sexual codes of conduct befitting a teenager. Even affected people who are high achieving
and academically or vocationally successful have trouble negotiating the hidden rules of
courtship. Inappropriate sexual behavior can result.
Lets go into more detail regarding sexuality issues
Adults With Aspergers May Present the Sexual Behavior of Teens Since Aspergers is a
developmental delay, adults may experience sexual behavior similar to teens. They may be delayed
in their social skills, which would manifest in their sexual relationships. These adults need to be
made aware through observation or research which sexual behavior is age appropriate. Obsessive
behavior is a symptom of Aspergers and may carry over to sexual relations. Also, some medications
used to treat symptoms of the syndrome may also impact sexual desire.
Intimacy Can Be a Struggle Individuals with Aspergers struggle with the back-and-forth nature
of intimate relationships. Dating and courtship can be confusing, as they rely on so many subtle or
hidden rules and meanings. A person with Aspergers may find empathy a foreign emotion, causing
the other partner to feel isolated and alone. With social skills training and behavior therapy, the
skills necessary to achieve an intimate relationship are within reach.
Sensory Issues May Impact Sexuality Hypersensitivity or under responsiveness are common in
people with Aspergers. This can impact their sexual behavior, either reducing the desire to be close
or causing them to be overly needy of sex. When it comes to sexual behavior, they may not
understand boundaries or limits.
Sexual Relationships Are a Challenge The subtle cues of dating and sexual relationships may
be difficult for people with Aspergers to navigate. Aspergers is commonly known by a lack of social
awareness or skills, communication difficulties, obsession with a particular topic or subject and
poor coordination. Their social skills may impact the type of sexual relationships they develop.
There is very little research into sexual behavior and people with Aspergers. However, most people
with Aspergers show an interest in sex. Society's norms on sexuality will not be intuitive to the
person with Aspergers. The subtle cues of dating and sexual relationships may be difficult to
navigate.

Dating Tips
For the Aspergers individual:
1. Be Yourself I think the biggest tip I can give is be yourself dont fake being someone
else. If you fake being someone else the relationship will be based on lies and will end up
being very unhealthy.
2. Disclose Aspergers You may not want to disclose your Aspergers right away you should
rather soon. Aspergers is part of who you are, and if your significant other is aware of it,
she can understand the issues you have. If she understands the issues you have, there will
be less communication errors, arguing and fighting. If when she finds out she leaves you,
then - to be blunt she wasnt for you anyway.
3. Discuss Social Issues You may not be able to party, or hang out with large groups of
friends because of the overwhelming social issues so you need to talk about that. Make a
compromise hang out with a few friends at a time.
4. Meet the Family Your going to need to meet their friends and family at some point. Do it
just a few of them at a time, not all at once. It will be less overwhelming and less awkward.
5. Talk Textures People with Aspergers are affected by textures. When you cuddle up with
that special someone, if she is wearing clothing that has a texture that is uncomfortable to
you tactfully let her know. Discuss the textures you dislike beforehand.
If youre dating someone with Aspergers:
People with Aspergers tend to live in their own little world. Romantic relationships with someone
diagnosed with Aspergers is challenging because they struggle with communication and empathy,
skills healthy relationships depend on. Entering a relationship with an Aspergers individual
requires you to change your expectation of "normal" behaviors. In return, however, you may find
yourself part of a lasting and rewarding relationship.

1. Accept the fact your Aspergers partner views you as a "Neurotypical" (i.e., someone without
Aspergers).Those familiar with Aspergers coined this term. They use it to define people
without any of the ASD diagnoses. Social skill training for Aspergers individuals includes
learning how to interact in the Neurotypical fashion. Coming to terms with this view of your
behavior early in your relationship so you can agree to ground rules to avoid conflict.
2. Aspergers individuals don't respond to the normal give and take of natural conversation.
Though often talkative and articulate, they could talk for hours on topics that only interest
them. If you try to engage yourself in the conversation or change the subject without
success, don't get discouraged.
3. Aspergers individuals struggle with expressing physical affection. They are oversensitive to
stimuli including touch. She may not be comfortable holding your hand, receiving
unexpected hugs, or kissing at first. You may not understand because you may witness her
demonstrating affection with close family and friends. This does not mean she doesn't care
for you. Aspergers individuals do not respond well to change and take a lot of time to adjust
to new surroundings and people.

4. Aspergers individuals struggle with interpreting nonverbal communication basics such as

facial expressions and tone of voice. If you find yourself upset over something, discuss it
with them as calmly and rationally as you possibly can. He probably won't "understand"
how you feel. Let it go or it will only infuriate you more.
5. Aspergers individuals take language at face value. Sarcasm, humor and innuendo confuse
them. When communicating with him, keep your language clear and direct and avoid
figurative language. They don't lie, so stay honest with them.
6. Aspergers individuals understand the fundamentals of a relationship. He may not behave as
a typical boyfriend but it doesn't change his role in your life or your place in his. Be
proactive by expressing to him desires explicitly. State the obvious. Dropping hints and coy
behavior will get you nowhere.
7. Be patient as you help your Aspergers friend develop some much needed social skills. He
will probably listen to you (his date) more than anyone else.
8. Don't take offense if he forgets to reciprocate greetings, verbal expressions, or answers you
when you ask a question. Aspergers individuals struggle with social cues so, if anything,
gently remind him you would like a response.
9. Intellectual curiosity to the point of obsession defines Aspergers. Respect that they value
their space, time and passions. Realize you may be one of these interests which they fixate
upon. If after a period of time their interest in you wanes, understand that it doesn't reflect
their romantic feelings toward you.
10. Try to use technology to your advantage. Texting and online communication is easier
because it reduces the amount of social and non verbal cues you may expect them to
interpret in a phone or face to face conversation.

Being a Partner
Mary and Gary Thompson An Aspergers Marriage:
Mary has known her companion Gary for 25 years. They're happily wedded with three kids, and
outwardly many people would see their relationship as quite strong and 'normal'. They met in their
early 20's while Gary was working as an Industrial engineer and Mary for an attorney.
"We dated for 3 years before settling down and at the time our relationship seemed to follow the
usual routine of going out, watching friends getting together then marrying, you know...the general
stuff that happens in that time of your life."
Mary portrays Gary as a calm, peaceful guy who did not have many close friends, only a chosen few
they'd mingle with from time to time. He did not particularly take pleasure in going out and favored
simply staying home or going to the movies. She was comfortable with this because, having been
quite the party girl in her teens, Mary was prepared to start a family and spend more time with that

special someone.
On the occasions they did enjoy a meal with close friends. Gary would start the night quite chatty
and appear to be interested. But, the night would generally end with Mary attempting to keep him
from just gazing into space or jabbing him to help keep him awake. Gary tended to lose interest in
whatever the discussion was after an hour or so and begin to drift off. Did she think it was unusual?
Not back then she thought he was just exhausted.
Once they were married and in their own personal residence, there were a few instances that made
Mary believe something was not quite right. Gary would vacuum the carpet in their little unit so
completely that the weave had to all go the same way. If something required repairing, he'd take it
totally apart and put it back together days, or even months, later. He did this even if the object
didn't have to be pulled apart to begin with. Most tasks he started did not get completed, and even
now, the rundown house they reside in continues to be only half refurbished.
His routine was inflexible and he did not like change, there were many times when Gary would just
not talk for days, for no other reason than he just didn't feel like it. She also observed his responses
to certain things that happened were a little odd. For instance, when it was announced to him that
his mom was to have a major surgery, his reaction was negligible, but if he found an area on the
carpet or a soiled dish lying around, he would grumble to the point of being quite unreasonable. He
had a propensity to make 'mountains out of molehills'.
Even now, if the kids don't clean their bedrooms or leave shoes laying throughout the house, he
screams at the top of his lungs until they pay attention to his demands and do their jobs to his 100%
satisfaction. Fortunately, these outbursts are not too common because Mary has taught the kids to
keep things quite tidy so as not to annoy their dad.
With both of them working full-time at the start of the relationship, their Saturdays and Sundays
were a regimen of housework, trips to market, and afternoon sleeps for Gary. Then he would
proceed to go to sleep while watching Television at night as well. Mary discovered later, after
learning more about the disorder that always thinking about making things perfect made people
such as Gary extremely tired.
For a long time Mary attempted to support Gary and his little idiosyncrasies, but there came a time
when she just could not take anymore and had to learn why he acted the way he did. Arranging an
appointment with a relationship therapist, she persuaded him to come with her to talk about
problems she was having with depression, which was impacting her life. This resulted in visits to
their local doctor, a psychologist and a psychiatrist, who all diagnosed Gary with OCPD (Obsessive
Compulsive Personality Disorder).
This condition makes the individual affected react in a perfectionist way (i.e., everything for them
must be perfect before they can finish a task, their surroundings have to be tidy and orderly to the
point of obsession, such as, pencils lined up neatly in a tray). If their surroundings are not to their
satisfaction, the reactions can be anything from mild anxiety to a full-blown breakdown. Mary
learned from one of the specialists they went to see that if Gary's surroundings were neat and tidy
then he didn't spend time worrying about that and could concentrate on the task at hand.
When he considers buying something, he'll study the item until he is satisfied it will do the job he
wants it to do. What the item is does not matter, but the larger the item to be bought, the more time

10

he spends researching on the web and contacting various 'experts' on the item.
"If I'm in a hurry to have something I just go out and buy it myself," laughs Mary, "otherwise I can
wait months to have what I need."
Gary did some cognitive therapy for a couple of weeks after seeing the professionals, one of whom
recommended antidepressants for him. This was just to stabilize the mood swings and help him to
think more clearly. Regrettably this disorder makes the individual think there's nothing wrong with
him, so the treatment didn't last for very long. The antidepressants had some effect and appeared to
help him to understand Mary a bit better.
Before Mary discovered Gary's ailment she was puzzled by some of his actions
"I remember when I was pregnant the first time; I was quite bored and suggested we go out for a
Sunday drive. We both went to get dressed and Gary was ready before me. When I eventually came
out into the lounge, there he was sitting on the step cleaning one of the light fittings that had been
taken down months before. He was dressed ready to go out but because I had taken longer than him
he decided to keep busy. We didn't end up going anywhere as the whole fitting was taken apart and
then put together again. Needless to say I was not pleased but saying anything at the time would
have caused a huge argument."
Another time, Mary wished to buy new drapes for the unit because they had lived with the outdated
ones for 8 years and sunlight had faded them. Gary agreed, but was adamant on being shown the
fabric before she purchased anything. Fifteen different fabrics later Mary threw in the towel and
lived with the old drapes for an additional 6 years until they moved out.
Holidays aren't easy for Gary either because he finds it tough to unwind or cannot stand to be out of
his routine. Mary has a tendency to organize all the family holidays, and once she has every detail,
has to discuss these with Gary and make sure he is comfortable with the place, where they are
staying and that they don't stay for too long. This can take some time because there are always
revisions to the place, the time, etc. But, it would appear that beach or skiing holidays seem to be
okay, particularly if they go to the exact same place every time.
Basically, Mary has had to accept the relationship for what it is. Romance and spontaneity will
never be a part of it. Knowledge of the disorder has helped her to understand him better, and their
marriage is generally happy and healthy.
When Gary was diagnosed, he was in his 40's and already set in his ways. Cognitive therapy might
have helped had he kept it up, but the outcomes may only have been nominal. A diagnosis of
Aspergers or OCPD is better when a person is young, ideally prior to adolescence.

Living with Aspergers

Living with Aspergers is harder on the sufferer as they tackle their perfectionism and obsessive
behavior, but it can also be a struggle for the people who are close to them. Living with constant
negativity can be emotionally draining on the sufferer and their partner. Understanding the
condition helps immensely in forming loving relationships.

11

One area of study concerns adults with Aspergers who do marry and subsequently become parents.
Adults with Aspergers who marry often find it difficult to stay married; some initial research puts
the divorce rate at approximately eighty percent. The resulting split can be fraught with intense or
high conflict or domestic violence.
A common marital problem is unfair distribution of responsibilities. For example, the partner of a
person with Aspergers may be used to doing everything in the relationship when it is just the two of
them. However, the partner may need practical and emotional support once children come along,
which the person with Aspergers is ill equipped to provide. When the partner expresses frustration
or becomes upset that they're given no help of any kind, the person with Aspergers is typically
baffled. Tension in the relationship often makes their symptoms worse.
People with Aspergers often report a feeling of being unwillingly detached from the world around
them. They may have difficulty finding a life partner or getting married due to poor social skills and
poor financial status. In a similar fashion to school bullying, the person with Aspergers is vulnerable
to problems in their neighborhood, such as anti-social behavior and harassment. Due to social
isolation, they can be seen as the black sheep in the community and thus may be at risk of
wrongful suspicions and allegations from others.
An adult's diagnosis of Aspergers often tends to follow their child's diagnosis of autism spectrum
disorder. This double whammy can be extremely distressing to the partner who has to cope
simultaneously with both diagnoses. Counseling, or joining a support group where they can talk
with other people who face the same challenges, can be helpful. Some common issues for partners
include:

A sense of isolation, because the challenges of their relationship are different and not easily
understood by others.
After accepting that their partner's Aspergers won't get better, common emotions include
guilt, despair and disappointment.
Difficulties in accepting that their partner won't recover from Aspergers.
Failure to have their own needs met by the relationship.
Feeling overly responsible for their partner.
Frequent wondering about whether or not to end the relationship.
Frustration, because problems in the relationship don't seem to improve despite great
efforts.
Lack of emotional support from family members and friends who don't fully understand or
appreciate the extra strains placed on a relationship by Aspergers.

Research supported by the National Autistic Society into the intimate relationships of couples
where one partner is affected by Aspergers shows that men with the condition tend to choose
partners who are maternal, strong, and with nurturing qualities, often older than themselves.
Women are attracted to men who appear to be kind, gentle and slightly immature, and who flatter
with obsessive attention.
Aspergers Men and Relationship Difficulties
Although men with Aspergers can have relatively high status occupations (e.g., engineers, computer
specialists, university teachers) problems can arise when they are married. There can be a
spectrum of Aspergers behavior ranging from passive to arrogant and aggressive (having
12

Aspergers does not make a person abusive, but it can make them controlling). Often times,
responsibility for the relationship rests with their non-Aspergers partners, who report a feeling of
"going mad" and who frequently become depressed and may take medication, yet are reluctant to
separate because of concern about how the Aspergers partner will cope.
Problems reported by partners of men with Aspergers include:

Alcohol abuse
Children over-controlled and emotionally abused
Irrational blame of others
Lack of empathy
Lack of executive control over life
Problems in socializing
Selfishness
Sexual problems
Unpredictable outbursts of anger

Symptoms partners can expect to experience when dealing with an Aspergers man:

Anger (I could kill him.)

Apathy (I give up. Nothing works with this man.)
Difficulty concentrating
Guilt ("If only I had . . .)
Increased cravings for junk food
Intense sadness or tears when a memory of the good times is triggered
Irritability
Loneliness, or a sense of separateness
Loss of appetite
Numbness
Shame (Am I just a bad wife?)
Sleep disturbances
Withdrawal from others

Aspergers Women and Relationship Difficulties

Unfortunately, many women with Aspergers do not get a diagnosis. Craig, 32, began to suspect that
his wife may have Aspergers when they found out their 6-year-old daughter had Aspergers (there is
a strong genetic component to the condition).
As Craig stated, The diagnosis helped to make sense of a lot of things. Previously, I would put her
coldness down to her family, who are not touchy-feely people. There is this wall that I have not
been able to break down something not quite right. We have regular sex, but theres no emotional
connection. I need emotions with sex. It cant just be the act.
Unfortunately, when he has tried to talk to his wife about Aspergers, she has brushed-off his
suggestions.
Helping Yourself through Times of Depression

13

It is not uncommon for a partner of an Aspergers spouse to experience some sad days from time
to time. Here are some things others have found useful in dealing with their Aspergers partner.
Choose the ones that fit for you, or make up your own methods of self-care. Treat yourself with the
same care, tolerance, and affection you would extend to a valued friend in a similar situation:

Accept help and support when offered.

Allow yourself to cry, rage, and express your feelings when you need to. Try not to numb
your feelings with alcohol or drugs. This will only complicate your situation.
Be particularly attentive to maintaining healthy eating and sleeping patterns.
Do things that feel good to you -- take baths, read, exercise, watch television, spend time with
friends, fix yourself a special treat, or whatever else feels nurturing and self-caring.
Don't force yourself to be active if you don't have the energy.
Expect and accept some reduction in your usual efficiency and consistency.
Get plenty of rest when you're tired, and use the energy you have if you experience
hyperactivity at times.
Have moments of prayer and meditation.
Keep reminding yourself that your responses are normal responses to a stressful situation.
Give yourself permission to do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself. Your body
and mind will tell you what you need to do -- your job is to listen to them.
Talk regularly about your struggles with someone you trust.
Try to avoid taking on new responsibilities or making major life decisions for a time.

Here are some important concepts to bear in mind when taking care of your mental health:

All things work together for good. Its likely that something wonderful is emerging from your
current difficult partner-situation and that you havent seen it yet.
Develop a part of you that serves as an impartial and dispassionate observer of your
Aspergers partner, regardless of circumstances.
Experiment. Try novel approaches. Do the last thing you would ever think to do first!
Just think for a moment about how old you are, and about all you've been through.
Know that anything is possible.
Let go and let God.
Mentally go beyond the problem and project yourself to a future time where the problem
could not possibly matter as much anymore.
RATHER THAN FOCUSING ON HOW YOU ARE BEING MISTREATED, FOCUS ON HOW YOU
CAN TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.
RATHER THAN FOCUSING ON WHAT YOU DONT WANT AND WHAT IS GOING WRONG,
FOCUS ON WHAT YOU DO WANT AND WHAT IS GOING RIGHT.
Somewhere in this difficult experience is an opportunity.
THE LESS YOU TRY TO CONTROL OTHERS, THE MORE CONTROL YOU GET.
THE OPPOSITE OF ANGER IS PATIENCE.
What you learn from dealing with an Aspergers partner will make you stronger and help you
in many other areas of your life.
When you resist (e.g., struggle with, try to change, try to fix) your Aspergers partner, its
usually you that breaks. As soon as you accept the situation for what it is, you can begin to
access your resources and act constructively to influence his/her behavior.
YOU MAY NOT UNDERSTAND IT MAY NOT AGREE WITH IT AND MAY NOT LIKE IT, BUT
YOU DONT HAVE TO TORTURE YOURSELF WITH THOUGHTS ABOUT IT.
YOUR PARTNER IS A WORK IN PROGRESS.
14

YOUR MOST DIFFICULT PEOPLE ARE YOUR GREATEST TEACHERS.

YOUR MOST DIFFICULT SITUATIONS STRENGTHEN YOU.

For the Non-Aspergers Partner: A Word about Resentment

Resentment is a mental process. With resentment, we repeatedly replay a feeling - and the events
leading up to that feeling - that angers us. With resentment, we re-experience and re-live events in
ways that affect us mentally, emotionally, physiologically and spiritually in destructive ways. For
example:

What we feel our "problem partner" did to us that was unnecessarily mean, hurtful, and
thoughtless
What our partner did not do for us that we feel he should have done

Here are some steps to letting go of resentment:

1. Approach resentment as the addictive state of mind it is.
2. Examine how your resentment may come from mentally confusing people in your present life
with people in your past.
3. Acknowledge that you cannot control those who have hurt you.
4. Recognize that your resentment only gives you illusions of control and strength. Instead,
highlight and validate your real strength and power.
5. Learn to identify the signals that provoke resentment.
6. Practice cognitive behavioral techniques to stop indulging in resentment. Put a distracting
thought or activity between your feelings of resentment and indulging in ruminating about them.
7. Acknowledge your part in allowing the dysfunction to occur, forgive yourself for that, and make
a decision to not let it occur again.
8. Declare an amnesty - with your partner and with yourself.
9. Forgive when you can, and practice willful and deliberate forgetfulness when you cannot, keeping
in mind that these acts are gifts to yourself rather than capitulation to your partner.
The fundamental misunderstanding of forgiveness is that we think that forgiveness is something we
do for our others because we are superior to them or self-sacrificing and magnanimous. We believe
someone has done us harm, but we, being the morally superior one, the wiser one, and in our
magnanimous generosity, forgive them.
Forgiveness is not for the other person its for you! We can find the truth of this in the meaning of
the word resentment. Resentment means to feel again. As long as we hold resentment we are
feeling that hurt again and again and it keeps us from living, growing and understanding. It puts a
damper on our lives. It saps our energy and clouds our perceptions.
The first time your partner hurt you in some manner, it was his responsibility and burden, but
15

every time you allow that hurt to come into your soul after that, you bear the responsibility and
burden for it.
Resentment is a knife one wields by the blade. Forgiveness is a way for one to go on with ones life
and to avoid having that other persons wrong-doing on your mind, robbing you of energy, robbing
you of happiness, and continuing to yield the same amount of hurt over and over again.
Forgiveness means that you have healed the hurt your partner may have caused you; that it is no
longer commandeering your happiness; that you have taken back your power by understanding the
flawed humanity of your partner and open yourself to wishing him well.
The choice is yoursto forgive effortlessly and easily when you decide your peace of mind is more
important than holding anger and resentment. You can forgive immediately or later and effortlessly
and easily. Just do it. You deserve to live a healthier life with peace of mind.
By nature, most Aspergers men are unsentimental. This does not necessarily mean they are
unromantic or uninterested, but that they see romance different than most women. Women enjoy
quality time snuggling, long walks together and candlelight dinners. Men, on the other hand, enjoy
doing fun activities together, such as playing a game of golf. Unfortunately for men, these kinds of
activities are not necessarily what women are looking for. In turn, men must learn to speak the love
language of women.

Relationship Tips for Aspergers Partners

Here are some important interpersonal skills for the Aspergers man:
1. Be thoughtful. Do something thoughtful for her every day. Whether it's making her a cup of
coffee in the morning, sticking a surprise note in her bag, or leaving her a chocolate "kiss"
on her pillow before bedtime, everyone loves a romantic surprise.
2. Create a photo album. Take pictures often; don't save the camera for holidays and special
occasions. Create a visual scrapbook of your everyday life together. Better still, set the timer
and pose together. You will both appreciate the warmth of the moment when you see these
snapshots in an album down the road.
3. Do the unexpected. If you are a homebody who loves to just sit on the couch watching ESPN
or if you spend most weekends working out in the garage, surprise your wife by going
against your nature and planning a night out with her. Or, on the flip side, if you and your
wife spend most weekends going out and partying with friends, plan a romantic night in
with just the two of you. The most important part of this is that you actually PLAN the entire
night. Dont simply say you are going out and then hit her with, So, what do you want to
do?
4. Do what she asks you to do. Little things she asks you do like taking out the trash means so
much to her. Its not hard and its the least you can do. If she always has to remind you to do
these things it can anger her. You may think these things are not a big thing to her, but they

16

mean so much. It also proves to make her feel appreciated. Doing these things she asks lets
her know you really do care. If you know something means a lot to her then do it.
5. Honor and respect your partner. Be honoring all the time. That means no "my old lady"
stories. And it also means a wife shouldn't be flirting with male co-workers or other men.
You can have respect without love, but you cannot have love without respect. Respect
means not undermining your partner in front of the children. And don't go outside the
marriage when you are having a problem. Discuss it with your partner. Respect also means
not criticizing your mate in front of others.
6. If your wife has to work late or if you know she will be working through lunch and eating a
bland frozen entre from home, bring her some take-out food. Most women love when their
husband remembers small things like that.
7. If your wife loves to cook, book a cooking class that you two can take together. If she is into
dancing, commit to learning her favorite dance with her.
8. If you're the wife, lower your expectations a bit and if you're the husband, step up to the
plate.
9. Its Friday night and you are going to watch a movie. Think of all the times she has sat and
watched the latest action-adventure movie with you (even though she didnt necessarily
want to). Watch the movie she wants to, even if it IS the latest tearjerker.
10. Keep up your appearance. Let her see you at your best. It's ironic that we dress up to meet
total strangers but let ourselves go around our nearest and dearest. Most women love to see
their men clean-shaven, in great clothes and perhaps wearing a hint of her favorite cologne.
11. Lavish her with gifts. Women feel loved when you prove she is worth something to you.
There is a reason behind the clich of flowers and chocolates: It makes women feel special
and valued. It is important to lavish your significant other with gifts even when it is not
necessary. You should send her flowers because you love her, not because it's Valentine's
Day or her birthday. Buy her a piece of jewelry for no other reason than to help her get over
a severe case of "the Monday blues."
12. Let her initiate sex sometimes. When she feels loved and respected, she will be the one to
initiate sex. She will respond in love as she feels loved. Its very natural for her to be that
way. Just as it is natural for you to be the way you are. Just keep this in mind that she shows
her love in responding sexually. So if you make her feel loved, you will not have a problem.
13. Listen to your wife and talk to her. Communication is the first thing to go when a marriage
starts to breakdown. Aspergers men need to listen to their wives. Lots of times they just
want to talk about anything and for you to listen to them. If she knows your listening this
goes a long way. Listening is one of the most important aspects of communication.
14. Make a list. Make a list of the special days on the calendar that you celebrate together, such
as the day you met, your yearly anniversary, or even the anniversary of your first kiss. On
these days make a point to spend some quality time together. Cook a special meal (or pick
one up on the way home from work). Buy her a card or write her a short letter, and let her
know that you didn't forget.
17

15. Maybe you dont necessarily LIKE to play tennis or ride bikes, but she does. Without
complaining, do one of her favorite activities with her.
16. Men may laugh about it and think its silly, but, yes, sometimes we women really do like to
just cuddle. Kiss and cuddle her to her hearts content.
17. No woman can resist being catered to, so send your wife out for some quality time with her
friends while you cook her favorite meal. Make sure you serve her meal and make sure to do
the dishes afterward.
18. Reach out and touch her. Use the power of touch to make a lasting impression throughout
the day. There is no such thing as not having time for a kiss goodbye in the morning or again
upon reuniting at the end of the day. And an inviting warm hug or backrub at the end of a
stressful day is always appreciated.
19. Stop trying to control your partner. Its another one of those easier-said-than done
relationship tips, of course. But trying to control each other using a technique
psychologists call "external control" is the main source of marital unhappiness. In a
happy marriage, partners know they cannot control each other. You have practiced this
"external control" if you have ever told your partner they need to behave the way you want
them to or that you know what is right. Learning not to control a partner can be a long
process. Ask yourself: "If I can only control my own behavior, what can I do to help the
marriage?" Then think of what you can change to make the problem better.
20. Take care of yourself. Take care of yourself physically and spiritually. That way, your stress
will be down and your tolerance will be up. You'll be less likely to get on each other's nerves
and to squabble. You're more likely to have a happy marriage.
21. Take note of significant things. Set something aside for her every day. It might be a
newspaper article you read during your commute, a link to a website you came across, or
even a story you heard by the office water cooler. She will appreciate that you took a
moment to think of her during the course of your day.
22. Tell her about your moods. Be honest if you are feeling stressed or under the weather. Your
woman will appreciate your honesty and will know not to take it personally when you come
home in a bad mood.
23. The Little Things. Women notice the little things much more often than men, and it's the
"little things" that can lead to arguments and breakups. Be intentional about your actions;
don't do things for her simply because she expects it or asks you to. Hold her hand. It
sounds simple enough, but many men forget this one, simple action. Even though you might
not think it is a big deal, she will notice and be thankful later. Be a gentleman, and open the
door for her. On date night, her hands should not touch a door handle. Rush ahead to open
the car door and restaurant door. Finally, touch her. Touching can be a very sensual
experience for a woman. As you're walking together, wrap your arm around her. As you're
standing next to her, rest your hand on the small of her back. These simple gestures will go
a long way in making her know she is attractive to you.

18

24. There are fewer things better than a weekend away from it all. Plan an entire weekend for
just you and her. This entails booking hotel or bed and breakfast reservations, deciding on a
babysitter for the children and picking out activities for you and her to enjoy.
25. Three Magic Words. Say "I love you" every day. It seems simple enough, but men forget to
say it. Many men simply assume that women realize how much they are loved because of
the gifts, the touching and the gentlemanly acts, but women need to have vocal
reinforcement. Say it, and say it often.
26. Toast to her. Toast each other when you sit down to dinner. It doesn't need to be over
bubbly or wine, but even a glass of water or iced tea. Tell her something you love about her
and then drink to it!
27. Volunteer to help her. Sometimes she would like to hear you say, Ill put the kids to bed
tonight or I will do the dishes. Its the small things that get her attention. If you never
help her, she will feel you don't care. She would like to know you are in her corner.
28. Wake up early one weekend morning and make her favorite breakfast to serve her in bed.
Pair this with her favorite magazine or book she is reading and give her some time to just
relax.
29. When your wife gets out of work and wants to tell you about her day, actually turn away
from the television, give her your full attention and really listen to what she has to say. Ask
her questions about herself and how her day was. This is not the time to offer husbandly
advice. Rather, act as her sounding board.
30. Wives must feel loved and appreciated. Aspergers men often take for granted the
relationship they have with their wives. We sometimes fail to meet their needs. They must
feel loved and appreciated. Its not enough to just show them you love them, nor is it enough
to say it. You must do both. Tell your wife that all the things she does is very much
appreciated as well as show her. Don't wait for birthdays and Valentines Day to show her.

Here are some important interpersonal skills for the Aspergers woman:
1. Ask questions of your non-Aspergers partner. Gather as much information as you can about
the situation you're facing together. Faced with having to operate without an intuitive
understanding of how your partner feels and thinks, you may rely on your logic and
assumptions. This can be dangerous! Remember, your mind works differently than your
partner's. A great strategy can be simply asking questions. For instance, instead of assuming
that your partner is ready to end the relationship over a fight, ask for clarification. Good
questions can include, "I'm wondering if you feel" or - "Can you tell me more about
that?"

2. Decide how you would like to pursue and operate in relationships. This takes thought. Do
you want to connect with others? Do you experience loneliness? Do you want to increase
your ability to talk about your inner world or negotiate problems? Not everyone aspires to
19

these ways of relating. Decide for yourself if you do. If you decide to work to strengthen
your connections, you may benefit from learning to monitor your "togetherness tolerance."
Aspergers women often are helped by frequent breaks, shorter visits, etc. Your level of need
in connecting with others may differ vastly from that of your non-Aspergers partner. This is
fine, and may serve as a great balance for your relationship.

3. Don't give in to feelings of hopelessness or futility. Women with Aspergers can at times feel
overwhelmed by frustration. There are times they can feel that no amount of effort on their
part can ever change their ability to understand how their non-Aspergers partner operates.
This is sometimes true. No adult can ever really become an expert on their partner's
perceptions, thoughts, feelings and behaviors. The best strategy may be becoming an expert
on yourself. This can serve as a foundation for learning new skills, having compassion for
yourself and even learning to laugh at how different you and your partner may approach
problems and issues.

4. Find help. There is no substitute for consulting an expert, a communication coach, a

therapist, or a well-written manual. Remember that though you may have not received the
understanding of relationship nuance through osmosis, like most adults, you can learn skills
that can close the gap you may feel between your ability to relate and the abilities of others.

5. Hold tight to the truth that your thoughts and emotions matter. Though they may be
expressed differently (or not at all!), your feelings and perceptions are valid, and are worth
just as much as your partner's feelings and thoughts. This can be a difficult perspective to
maintain, especially if your partner is articulate and quick. Remember, working out a
problem is not a verbal jousting competition, though it can sometimes feel like one.

6. Don't be too quick to judge yourself harshly. Aspergers women often provide wonderful
advantages to their relationships, such as:

a heightened desire to do the right or moral thing

a refusal to become violent or aggressive
an inability to participate in the emotional "games" so many adults struggle with in
relationships
being grounded
being logical and rational

As always, self-acceptance is the best position to take as you navigate the wonderful and
sometimes terrifying frontiers of intimacy.
20

Love and Affection

Adults with Aspergers have difficulties understanding and expressing emotions and an emotion
that is particularly confusing to them is love. Typically, adults enjoy frequent expressions of
affection, know how to express it and communicate feelings of love, and know when to repair
someones feelings by expressions caring.
An adult with Aspergers may not seek the same depth and frequency of expressions of love through
acts of affection, or realize that an expression of affection is expected in a particular situation. He
can be bewildered as to why his partner appears to be obsessed with expressing love. Also, an
Aspergers adult may be immature in his expressions of affection, and sometimes may perceive
these expressions of affection as aversive (e.g., a hug may be perceived as an uncomfortable
squeeze that restricts movement).
There is a relationship continuum from being an acquaintance to being a partner. People with
Aspergers can have difficulties at each stage on this continuum. To progress along the relationship
continuum from a friend to a boyfriend to a spouse, an adult with Aspergers needs to understand
the art of flirting and romance in order to accurately read the signals of mutual attraction. These
abilities are not intuitive for Aspergers adults.
One of the difficulties for people with Aspergers can be to correctly interpret someones intentions.
An act of kindness, for example, can be perceived as a signal of a deeper level of interest or more
personal than was intended. For example, I have had to explain to men with Aspergers that the
smile and personal attention of a stewardess on an aircraft are signs of courtesy, not indications of
a desire for a relationship.
Despite the problems in relationship skills experienced by many individuals with Aspergers, some
adults can progress along the relationship continuum and are able to experience romantic and
subsequently intimate personal relationships, eventually becoming a lifelong partner. To achieve
such a relationship, both partners initially would have noticed attractive qualities in the other
person.
What are some of the characteristics that women find attractive in a man with Aspergers?
Men with Aspergers have many qualities that can be attractive to a prospective partner:

A lot of men with Aspergers seem to really see women for who they are, not being drawn
into the cultural limitations that women must fit a certain mold.
An appealing factor for the woman might be the fact that her Aspergers partner is not the
macho type and doesnt wish to spend time with other men at sporting events or drinking
alcohol.
I have had many women describe to me how their Aspergers partner resembled their
father. Having a parent with the signs of Aspergers may have contributed to their choice of
partner as an adult.
Many women describe their first impressions of their Aspergers partner as being kind,
attentive, and socially or emotionally immature (the silent, handsome stranger).

21

Often the Aspergers partner is more reliable, honest and steady. As a result, theres usually
much less game playing.
Physical characteristics and attentiveness can be important, especially if the woman has
doubts regarding her own self-esteem and physical attractiveness.
The Aspergers partner can be admired for speaking his mind, even if the comments may be
perceived as offensive by others, due to his strong sense of social justice and clear moral
beliefs.
The attractiveness of a person with Aspergers in a prospective relationship can be enhanced
by intellectual ability, career prospects, and degree of attentiveness during courtship.
Sometimes, however, this attentiveness could be perceived by others as almost obsessive,
and the words and actions appear to have been learned from watching and rehearsing lines
from a romantic movie.
The intellectual depth of an Aspergers man can be very appealing as well.
The mans lack of social and conversational skills can lead to his being perceived as the
silent stranger whose social naivety can be transformed by a partner who is a natural
expert on empathy and socializing.
The person with Aspergers can be a late-bloomer in terms of relationship experiences,
which also can be an attractive feature.
There may be no previous relationship baggage.

What are some of the characteristics that men find attractive in a woman with Aspergers?
The attributes can be similar to the characteristics women find appealing in a man with Aspergers,
especially the degree of attentiveness:

There can be an appreciation for her physical attractiveness and admiration for her talents
and abilities.
The Aspergers womans social immaturity may be appealing to those men who have natural
paternal and compassionate qualities.

Unfortunately, women with Aspergers are not very good at making character judgments or
identifying relationship predators. Women with Aspergers often have low self-esteem, which can
affect their choice of partner in a relationship. They can be the victim of various forms of abuse. As
one woman with Aspergers explained, I set my expectations very low, and as a result gravitated
toward abusive people.

Being a Parent
It is argued that even with support, some parents with Aspergers simply may not be up to the
enormous task of parenting. Raising a psychologically healthy child involves complex emotional
interaction between parent and child, as well as the ability to avoid parental behaviors damaging to
a child's well-being. However it can be easily argued that many non-Aspergers parents have very
poor parenting skills, and of course there are many parents on the autistic spectrum who have
excellent parenting skills.
Some adults with Aspergers rightly point out that many parents experience parenting difficulties as
parents without being on the autism spectrum and that Aspies should not be singled out as being
unable to be effective parents. Aspergers parents should certainly not, be stereotyped or
22

categorized as evil, uncaring, or intentionally abusive. If Aspergers does affect a person's parenting
skills, this would simply mean that appropriate support should be looked at, as it would be for a
parent with anger management issues, depression or any other condition that could impact on their
children's lives.
Married adults that are diagnosed will still exhibit their Aspergers symptoms after marriage and
into parenthood. It may be very difficult to connect with other members in his family. With his wife,
he may want minimal contact. He may not show much empathy, and he will probably be very literal
minded. Connecting to any children he might have will be much the same.
Many children of Aspergers parents report that they developed severe self-esteem problems
because their parent could not give them the warmth, empathy and caring they needed growing up.
These same people reported bouts with severe depression from what they perceived as rejection
from their parent on an emotional level. The childs physical needs were well taken care of, but
he/she had little or no emotional support.
Because of the symptoms associated with the Aspergers condition, childrens perspective that their
Aspergers parent does not love them is quite common. But this is not the case! The Aspergers
parent loves their child very much. The lack of social and communicative skills from the disorder is
what makes it look that way to the child.
One child (now an adult) of an Aspergers father states:
He was silent toward me, unless of course he was being critical. Every once in a while a
compliment would slip out, followed by the word "but" which was followed by a generally scathing
criticism.
I always yearned for my father's love, until the day I grew so disgusted that I walled up my heart,
and now no one can really get inside. And I hate that.
It seems to be coming to a head now. The fears I have stomped down for years are just peeking
through, the roots of rejection that go so deep. The rejection that makes it painful for me to hug
people for fear that they will push me away or hurt me so deeply that I will just stop breathing and
die.
But this wall has never protected me from being hurt. I feel all the hurt, all the sorrow, all the fear.
That lie of a wall has never successfully kept those at bay. But what I can't feel is pleasure in
anyone's embrace, or kiss, or loving words and that is a hard thing to live with. My wall is made
out of lies.
And so as I sit here dealing with the silence of what appears to be an emotionally unavailable
Father, things are boiling to the surface that are more painful than I ever could have imagined. And I
realize the truth: I long for my daddy. But I can't go there, he seems incapable of love.
But what about you God? Are you really Abba? If so then why the long silence? You knew I would
retreat into my vices if you neglected me. You know my weakness of character. I cannot live with a
father who provides only for my physical needs and neglects my emotional needs. I need love and I
need it so badly that I feel like I may stop breathing if I don't get it.

23

You hear that world? A dad who provides for his children's physical needs but not their emotional
needs is hurting them. Food and shelter are great, but we children need love. If you love us then we
can get through any hardship, deny us and you leave us weak. There is no level of comfort on earth
that leaves us stronger than a parent's love.
Tips for Aspergers Parents
I wont go into a lot of parenting advice per say in this eBook (since it has more to do with
relationship difficulties between partners), but I do want to give moms and dads a few starter tips
since ones parenting skills (or lack thereof) do indeed affect the relationship/marriage, negatively
or positively.
Tips for Aspergers Fathers:
Based on some of the symptoms associated with Aspergers (e.g., controlling feelings such as
depression, fear or anxiety; difficulty listening to others; rigidity; lack of expressions of empathy;
stress when their routine suddenly changes; anger management problems, etc.), Aspergers fathers
tend to make a unique set of parenting-mistakes. Below are the ten most common mistakes I see
with these fathers. These mistakes usually end up with results fathers don't intend and actually
create barriers to the youngster's future good behavior and self-esteem:
1. Being played against their mother It is critical for parents to be united in the
disciplinary strategy. If a youngster can run to another parent and find leniency, it tends to
destroy the other parent's credibility. Never override your spouse's disciplinary decisions in
public. If you have a disagreement, air it privately with one another. And try to share the
child discipline role between both parents regularly.
2. Bribery Trying to bribe a youngster to behave in a certain way by promising a reward
only teaches a youngster that they get a prize if they act inappropriately first, and then
change their behavior. We want them to act appropriately the first time. A good child
discipline alternative is to remind them how good it feels to make right choices or to simply
give the predetermined positive consequence for positive behavior.
3. Comparing with others This is another common mistake I see with Aspergers fathers.
"Your older sister was so good at practicing the piano every day; why can't you seem to get
it?" We might see this approach as reassuring and offering hope. But instead, comparisons
just breed resentment. Maybe the older sister loved and had a talent for the piano, while the
current youngster excels at something else and does not feel a passion for piano. The
comparison really serves no useful purpose. Try to see each youngster as a unique
individual with his or her own talents and strengths. By being aware of these common
mistakes in our approach to child discipline, we can perhaps see them coming and make
adjustments.
4. Confusing roles Don't feel obligated to get your youngster's consent for the discipline
you impose. You are the parent and have the responsibility to discipline. Your word on a
disciplinary matter is final and non-negotiable. As kids mature, you can begin to share
reasons why you feel as you do about things, but in any case your word is final
5. Imposing excessive guilt Trying to use a "head game" like guilt almost always backfires.
"I slave my life away for you, and you can't even clear your dishes off the table (or put away
my tools or ...)." If you make a youngster feel responsibility for things that go wrong in your
life, you are not acting like a parent but like a codependent. Stay away from the guilt trips
and just impose consequences.
24

6. Inconsistency I see so many Aspergers fathers discipline their kids in an inconsistent

manner. The same behavioral offense will have different responses at different times. A
well-established and understood set of rules and standards with defined consequences tend
to work the best. If one time your youngster uses a swear word you just laugh, and the next
time (perhaps in different company) you impose a grounding or other choice, the youngster
will become confused and not know what is expected. Being consistent in child discipline is
the best way to teach them what is or is not acceptable behavior.
7. Lecturing Pulling the youngster aside and giving them a monologue of all the reasons
why some behavior was bad usually doesn't result in learning but resentment. A better
approach to child discipline is a dialogue finding out why the behavior was not where it
should be. For example, if a youngster fails to do homework on time, a lecture on the value
of education is probably not going to result in a change of behavior. Identifying reasons why
the homework was not turned in and then developing a plan to address the reasons is a
more productive approach.
8. Losing your temper While the behavior of our kids may at times make us crazy, we must
never discipline when angry. Raising your voice, swearing or getting out of control tends to
teach the youngster that yelling, anger and violence are acceptable in their relationships
with friends and family. Instead, when you feel the anger boiling up, take a few seconds or
minutes of "time-out" and regroup. Kids respond best to a calm, reasonable approach that is
direct and precise.
9. Physical punishment Spanking, jerking a youngster by his arm, or hitting in any way,
while often common during our growing up years, is simply ineffective. It teaches a
youngster that the way to deal with conflict is to use physical force. Again, time out is a good
idea to avoid physical discipline. Learning alternative child discipline skills can also help
you break the tendency to lash out physically. Remember, your principal role is a teacher,
not an enforcer.
10. Unconnected consequences I have always thought that kids responded best when the
consequences of their behavior seemed to naturally flow. For example, staying out past
curfew should have a consequence like coming in earlier the following weekend. If they
prove that they cannot be trusted to live with a curfew, then they have to rebuild that trust
over time. One parent reports that his son had a hard time for a while containing his anger
and would punch a hole in a door or wall. Needing to pay for and install the repair of the
damaged items himself (and out of his pocket) seemed to be a logical consequence for this.
When the consequence does not fit the "crime," then the lessons are not learned. So avoid
giving unrelated consequence (e.g., grounding for having an overdue library book) and try
to find natural consequences.

Tips for Aspergers Mothers:

1. Face it you are not a perfect parent there is no such thing as a perfect parent. You
have strengths and weaknesses as a family leader. Recognize your abilities: "I am loving and
dedicated." Vow to work on your weaknesses: "I need to be more consistent with
discipline." Try to have realistic expectations for yourself, your spouse, and your children.
You don't have to have all the answers be forgiving of yourself.
2. Make sure you remember who you are as a person. Not as mom, or wife, or business
associate, but as who you are. Cultivate old pastimes, and expand your world by developing

25

new ones! Learn to play piano, paint, or to speak a different language. Read. Celebrate your
spiritual life, and let yourself grow in the world that has been gifted to you.
3. Make time for yourself. Make a rule that you will take 10, 20, even 30 minutes a day and
shut out the world. Close the bedroom door, take a bath, and take a walk just have that
time to yourself. You deserve it, and your family owes you that much. Do not feel guilty
asking for it either! Tell the kids, "Mom is not to be disturbed unless someone is bleeding or
something is on fire" then enforce the rule! If your cup is empty, how will you fill up the
ones you love?
4. Try to make parenting a manageable job. Focus on the areas that need the most attention
rather than trying to address everything all at once. Admit it when you're burned out. Take
time out from parenting to do things that will make you happy as a person (or as a couple).
Focusing on your needs does not make you selfish. It simply means you care about your
own well-being, which is another important value to model for your children.
5. Help your children feel loved and secure. We can all take steps to strengthen our
relationships with our children, including:

Depending on your child's age and level of development, these may include simply
redirecting your child's attention, offering choices, or using "time out."
Encourage your children. Praise their achievements and talents. Recognize the skills they
are developing.
Learn how to use nonphysical options for discipline. Many alternatives exist.
Make sure your children know you love them, even when they do something wrong.
Spend time with your children. Do things together that you both enjoy. Listen to your
children.

6. Realize that community resources add value. Children need direct and continuing access
to people with whom they can develop healthy, supportive relationships. To assist this, parents
may:

Communicate regularly with childcare or school staff.

Enroll children in youth enrichment programs, such as sports or music.
Participate in religious or youth groups.
Take children to libraries, museums, movies, and sporting events.
Use community services for family needs, such as parent education classes or respite care.

7. Seek help if you need it. Being a parent is difficult with or without Aspergers. No one
expects you to know how to do it all. Challenges such as unemployment or a child with special
needs can add to family tension. If you think stress may be affecting the way you treat your
child, or if you just want the extra support that most parents need at some point, try the
following:

Accept help. You do not have to do it all. Accept offers of help from trusted family, friends,
and neighbors. Do not be afraid to ask for help if you feel that you need it.
Call a helpline. Most States have help-lines for parents. Childhelp offers a national 24hour hotline (1.800.4.A.CHILD) for parents who need help or parenting advice.
Seek counseling. Individual, couple, or family counseling can identify and reinforce healthy
ways to communicate and parent.
Seek respite care when you need a break. Everyone needs time for themselves. Respite
care or crisis care provides a safe place for your children so you can take care of yourself.
26

Take a parenting class. No one is born knowing how to be a good parent. It is an acquired
skill. Parenting classes can give you the skills you need to raise a happy, healthy child.
Talk to someone. Tell a friend, healthcare provider, or a leader in your faith community
about what you are experiencing. Or, join a support group for parents.

Strategies to Improve the Relationship

Relationships with Aspergers Men
The following interview (with Michael, a 28-year-old male with Aspergers) was conducted in my office
in preparation of writing this eBook:
1. Are you in a relationship?
I'm not and never have been.
2. Do you accept having Aspergers or does it still cause you some emotional turmoil?
I mostly accept it - I wouldn't have my career and focus without it. But there are times I
wish I was more able to form normal social friendships. I really only have a couple close
friends outside my family.
3. Do you have a lot of anxiety?
Not a lot, really. I'm pretty laid back and easygoing; I don't stress much about the usual life
stuff.
4. Do you have difficulty socializing?
Yes, I do. I have a blind spot for most social niceties - the empty stuff people say like "Oh,
that's so nice!" just don't come to me. That's the stress, when I know I'm supposed to be
saying something or participating but I honestly don't know what to say or do. I deal with it
by mostly just socializing with people I already know well (especially family), and they
know not to expect that from me.
5. Do you often get over-stimulated?
Yes. Prolonged social contact (more than a few minutes) does that all the time, especially in
loud places like restaurants. I often cope by tuning out of the conversation and
daydreaming. I wish I didn't have to do it, as it's often noticeable and makes me look
antisocial and weird, but I can't help it.
6. What did it mean to you when you found out you had Aspergers?
Very relieved and satisfied. There's an actual reason for why I feel and act as I do.
7. How did you find out you had Aspergers?
I was in my late teens (I'm 28 now.) Self-diagnosed... I gradually became aware of it through
a number of online articles, and eventually realized that the description really did apply to
me.
8. Do you want to be in a relationship, or do you like being single?

27

I like being single. I couldn't imagine sharing my entire life with another person all the time.
I could enjoy a casual friendship for outings and travel, but I can't imagine myself marrying
or starting a family.
9. What do you want others to know about you and Aspergers so they can better
understand?
I don't think people without Aspergers really ever understand. Most don't even see it as a
real condition or distinguish it from ADHD or Tourette's or similar disorders. When we
don't want to socialize, we just come across and get dismissed as losers ("What's wrong
with you? / How can you not want a girlfriend?").
10. What is your narrow focus of interest?
Computers and programming Yes, it's absolutely my entire career and most of my
hobbies.
11. What stresses you the most?
Contact with people where I don't know what I'll need to say or how to behave. I'm
completely incapable of holding small-talk conversations. I need something to focus on, and
when I don't have that, I get anxious.
So, why would a woman, knowingly or unknowingly, choose a man with Aspergers traits?
There are three main reasons why women choose Aspergers men:
1. The woman may not be ready for a mature, reciprocal relationship. A giving ability is very
important in a relationship but it is not enough. In a real relationship, you should be able to
take also. If you are not able to take from your Aspergers man, then dont expect him to
be a giver to a same extent that you are.
2. The woman may harbor by some delusive myths about changing her mans nature. There
are several deadly mistakes which can destroy your chances to develop a truly loving
relationship with your Aspergers man. One of them is a belief that a good, devoted, and
loving woman who tries hard enough can convince a socially-handicapped man to deepen
his feelings for her. Believe me, this is completely unfounded.
3. The woman may be inexperienced, naive and easily deceived. When dating a woman, the
Aspergers man might be cool, self confident, and independent. These qualities are generally
very attractive if they appear in a person of the opposite sex. An inexperienced, naive (and
usually young) woman can fall in love with a man like this, while experienced woman
recognize these behaviors as potential future difficulties that may need to be addressed
sooner rather than later.
Being involved in a successful romantic relationship can be difficult for most people. Consider all
the breakup self-help books available, the movies portraying cheating significant others, constant
fighting and dramatic breakups, and your own relationship history. Do you think these difficulties
increase or decrease for someone with a mental disorder? Lets just say that its not easy to have a
relationship while trying to function normally in the world.

28

Although having Aspergers can make romantic relations difficult, having a fulfilling relationship
with an Asperger man is certainly not impossible. A woman in love with a man with Aspergers may
interpret his difficulties with communication and socialization as a lack of interest in the
relationship. He may vacillate between being gentle and caring to seeming cold and distant. She
may find his behavior hard to understand, resulting in feelings of loneliness, isolation, and
confusion.
For men who have Aspergers, social interaction is complicated. Although people with Aspergers are
thought to have high-functioning autism, they still have social problems. For example, they dont
contribute as much socially and emotionally, and they dont know how to use nonverbal behaviors
like eye contact.
Interaction and emotional reciprocity are important in relationships, so its no wonder that it would
be a challenge for a man with Aspergers to be in a relationship. Men with Aspergers tend not share
their emotions as frequently; they might not say I love you or show affection as often, because
they dont understand and express emotions as well as the typical person.
Do Aspergers Men Have Any Feelings?
Aspergers men do have emotions, but their emotions are very limited. For instance:

if he feels helpless he feels angry

if he gets hurt he feels angry
if hes hungry he feels angry
if he feels rejected he feels angry
and so on

The truth is this: Aspergers men have feelings ...lots of them! Unfortunately for wives, they're well
hidden and to make matters worse for a wife who wants him to talk about his emotions, he just
doesn't know how. He doesn't have the words.
Now imagine your Aspergers man making a statement like this: "You know, Sara, when you turn
away from me as I attempt to look for your affection, it hurts me so deeply that I'm crushed, even
devastated inside. Of course, I hide it for fear of opening even more emotional wounds that I just can't
share because I don't feel safe with you anymore."
Not going to happen!
Another emotional problem that women face with Aspergers men is the complete shutdown.
When women confront their Aspergers men with a lot of heavy emotional stuff related to the
relationship, children, etc., their mind shuts down automatically because they have a problem
taking in so much emotion. At this point they just sit there completely numb, without any reaction
whatsoever.
But you need to know there is another way. Of course you can't turn your husband into your best
girlfriend, but come to think of it, why would you want to? Your husband can still be what you have
always said you wanted in a man a friend.

29

Now "friend" is a very broad and general word when it comes to marriage. Even in the most
intimate and demanding relationships on earth, the term "friend" doesn't seem to fit. Friend is a
word you use when you dont have any intimacy. But marriage is all about intimacy, so why are
women asking for their husbands to be a friend?
Here's the answer: She wants a part-time friend (i.e., she wants certain amounts of time with her
husband to be spent in a friendly and safe conversation). She wants conversations where she does
not have to fear his harsh reaction to something she might say. She wants to be able to talk freely
about anything and everything, while at the same time, see her husband take an interest in the
topic. For wives, that's what this word friend is all about.
So if you are a man with or without Aspergers who hears his wife saying things like "I wish we
could be better friends", don't freak out and think she wants you to be like one of her girlfriends.
Translate! What she means is "I wish I could have safe conversations with you about lots of topics."
Do men with Aspergers lack empathy, or do they simply experience it differently?
Men and women seem to have differing ability and context as well as understanding when it comes
to something like empathy and compassion. There is still a difference not only in the way boys and
girls are socialized, what those social norms contain, but also in what society expects from boys
versus girls. Females find ways to express love and caring in ways that perhaps many males dont.
In counseling Aspergers adults over the years, I find that Aspergers men have tremendous empathy
for others. There is also a very profound sense of connectedness to humanity in its macrocosm that
means they experience a lot of empathy and compassion for a lot of world events and things that
they see on the news, for example, that arent a part of their own life. However, a lot of this empathy
that they have and feel isnt always expressed.
There are many feelings, such as love, empathy, compassion, and so forth that are compromised to
varying degrees with Aspergers adults. This does mean they cant continue to learn ways to
increase understanding these emotions and their expression.
Within the social impairment of Aspergers in terms of social-relating, does feeling or expressing
empathy become more challenging or difficult for many with Aspergers? Yes. This has to do with
the different ways that they process information. It has to do with the normal social context that
most with Aspergers (even when they understand it to varying degrees) do not find it to be the way
that they engage, the way that they would relate that would be first-nature to them.
I believe that most Aspies do feel empathy. I also believe that they want to experience empathy
from others, but that often both are lost in terms of expression and reception to the different ways
in which they think, process information, and to the different degrees to which they feel the need to
actually socialize. That does not a lack of empathy make. That makes for difference.

How to Deal with an Aspergers Man

30

1. Understand that some men with Aspergers can be brutally honest. When talking about
reasons for marriage, a person with Aspergers might say that there is an availability of sex
as the main reason, while not including his love of his significant other. Romance can be
puzzling to someone with Aspergers, but again, you will probably see improvement after
explaining the meaning behind it, why its necessary, and that it makes you feel good.

2. Tell your Aspergers partner how you are feeling, especially if you are angry, and why. Your
partner may not understand your emotions and why you are reacting a certain way.

3. Learn what his interests are, and try to engage in activities focusing on those interests. Go
on a few dates where social interaction isnt necessarily the focus.

4. If your Aspergers partner talks in a confusing manner, like in riddles or using complex
vocabulary, or doesnt answer your questions directly, ask him for more clarification. Also,
remember not to use riddles, jokes or sarcasm in the same way you would with someone
who doesnt have Aspergers. If you do, ask if he understood and then explain what you
meant. Otherwise, he might be hurt by what you said or just be confused.

5. If your Aspergers partner has certain quirks, like not wanting to talk on the phone,
understand that it may be related to Aspergers. Confront him about the issue if it bothers
you, and explain why.

6. Ease him into large social situations, like parties or group outings. Understand if he is
overwhelmed or decides not to go with you he might prefer being alone or with less
people.

7. Dont be alarmed if your Aspergers man is confused by romantic gestures, like hugging or
kissing. Stop if needed, but also try explaining what the gestures mean, or suggest going to a
relationship counselor together so you can work on your partners relationship skills.

8. Dont assume your Aspergers man is uninterested just because he isnt telling you he likes
you or finds you attractive. Decide what you think of him and let him know. After he is
aware of your attraction and isnt confused about nonverbal gestures and flirtation, it might
be easier for him to decide if he feels the same way.
31

Relationships with Aspergers Women

Females with Aspergers, like males, have a range of Aspergers traits in varying degrees. Females
with these traits may feel more stigmatized than males. In America, females are socialized to place
more value on relationships than on intelligence or athleticism, which are more valued by males.
Females are more likely to enjoy close, empathetic supportive friendships, to like and be interested
in people; to enjoy interaction with others for its own sake; and to consider friendships important.
The gap between societal expectations and personal abilities is much larger in Aspergers females
than Aspergers males because societal expectations for a strong social identity are much higher.
Females may also have more difficulty in forming friendships because female relationships are
frequently based on nuanced emotional and social exchanges, whereas male friendships are more
activity-based.
Females, with and without Aspergers, are more likely to cope with frustration or challenges by
internalizing, whereas males externalize difficult feelings. Females with Aspergers may experience
comorbid mood disorders in more severe forms and more frequently because they internalize
feelings of frustration and failure.
Females with Aspergers may be less likely to be diagnosed and more likely to be misdiagnosed. A
females tendency to internalize may mean that they are not encouraged to seek out a diagnosis like
many of their male peers. Females may appear introverted or shy, whereas males may be more
likely to be perceived as acting out. If females do seek a diagnosis, they may not receive an
appropriate diagnosis of Aspergers because they may be more likely to be able to mask their
Aspergers traits. Those traits that they do not mask, such as difficulty making eye contact, might be
more appropriate in females who are perceived as shy. From an early age, females receive more
explicit instructions on how to interact with others that may help them to create a cognitive
understanding for how to behave in different situations. This has enabled many females with
Aspergers to develop a stronger social faade.
Females with Aspergers may perceive their sexuality in a variety of ways. Due to the numerous
taboos around sexuality and women, females with Aspergers rarely have forums for explicit
conversation about sexuality. Sensory sensitivities may be a particular issue for females with
Aspergers. Females with Aspergers are frequently on medications that have sexual side effects,
most commonly a reduction of sexual arousal. This may lead to more females with Aspergers
perceiving themselves as asexual.
Frequently, Aspergers females, like Aspergers males, have special interests; however, these special
interests seem to have a different set of themes. Females seem more likely to be interested in
animals and fantasy than males, who may be more interested in computers or astronomy.
Many females with Aspergers are successful at parenting. One woman with Aspergers stated that
she has more vivid memories of her childhood than her peers, and so is better able to interact with
her child. Females with Aspergers might struggle with the many executive functioning tasks
required of a parent. In addition, females with Aspergers may have more difficulty with their
children when they become adolescents and social interactions become a primary focus of their life.
Women with Aspergers may feel they struggle in relating to other childrens parents and at settingup social interactions for their children. They may also feel that parenting with a disability is
32

extremely stigmatized. Parents with Aspergers may need support from family, friends, and
professionals for help with these weaknesses.
How to Deal with an Aspergers Woman
1. Communicate with your Aspergers women precisely and directly. Since Aspergers
individuals have trouble reading non-verbal cues, you will need to give full and complete
messages. Do not speak ambiguously. Try different forms of communication, such as letters,
lists and email.
2. Talk openly about finances. Aspergers individuals sometimes have poor money
management skills. An Aspergers partner may want to spend lavishly, yet be critical of
normal household expenses. Using a third party, such as a financial planner, may be helpful.
3. Respond instead of reacting. This can be difficult when you're frustrated with your
Aspergers woman, but if you force yourself to remain calm, you will have a more positive
interaction.
4. Find help for yourself. Get involved with a support group for spouses of people Aspergers. If
you become depressed, don't hesitate to get medical assistance.
5. Be totally up front with your Aspergers woman about emotions. Tell her how you feel, even
when you think it's patently obvious, and ask her to do the same. She will love you for it.
6. Remember that above all, people with Aspergers have the same feelings and emotions as
everyone else and want the same things in life that every human being wants: to be
respected, to be treated with dignity and to be happy.
7. Try to find some common ground, some activity that both of you enjoy. Agree to get
together some time and do it.
Couples affected by Aspergers can have a happy, loving, and successful relationship. It may take a
little work and a little extra effort, but it is possible and it is worth it. For better or for worse, in
sickness and in health, couples that truly love each other can and will make their relationship work.

Fighting Fair with Your Aspergers Partner

First, make sure your partner understands what a time-out is long before any problems occur:

A time-out is used when people are too mad to discuss a problem rationally.
A time-out puts time and distance between you and the person youre upset with so that both
parties can cool down to prepare for discussion.
One hour is a good length of time for a time-out.
When a problem occurs, allow your Aspergers partner to take a time-out if needed (i.e., time
away from you to reduce his anxiety)

After one hour (if a time-out was needed), "problem-solve" using the following guidelines:
1) When ____________________ (describe what happened without repeatedly using the word
you)
Examples:
33

1. I dont get help with the kids

2. you spend all that time on the computer
3. I have to go to family gatherings by myself
2) It creates a problem for me because _______________ (describe how your partners behavior
affected you)
Examples:
1. I have to do it all myself
2. I feel isolated and alone
3. I have to come up with excuses why youre not with me
3) I know that you __________ (state the original problem)
Examples:
1. let me handle most things
2. get on the computer
3. prefer not to socialize
3 continued) ...because you ____________________ (attach a positive motive to your partners
behavior; convince him he behaved that way for a good reason)
Examples:
1. havent heard me ask you for help very often
2. enjoy researching the civil war
3. find the conversations rather boring
4) But Id rather we come up with a plan where you ____________________ (partners new choice
that will have a positive outcome for the both of you)
Examples:
1. take a few moments to __________ (e.g., get the kids ready for bed, prepare dinner)
2. spend a little time with me
3. go with me for at least a brief visit limited to hour
In summary:
1. Avoiding using you as much as possible in steps 1 and 2.
2. Let your Aspergers partner know how his behavior affects others.
3. Reframe his behavior (i.e., acknowledge that he does a particular thing for a good reason
not because hes a bad spouse or father).
4. Offer options that are likely to have a positive outcome for everybody.
==> But wait there's more!
You do not need to tell your partner about the rest of the guidelines that you will be using:

Slow down. Breathe deep and slow. Talk slow. Move slow.
Relax your facial muscles. Make your eyes soft. This will shift your mood and send a clear
non-verbal message that you are not out for a fight.
34

Pay attention to what your partner is saying. Listen, listen then listen some more.
Paraphrase what you are hearing.
Toward the end of the discussion, begin to look at the humor in the situation that has been
the focus of discussion. Find something funny about it. Begin to smile. See the problem as
becoming less heavy.
To close the discussion, give your partner a hug or kiss.

Points to Keep In Mind When Using Fair Fighting

Point #1 ----Generally we think of fights as angry confrontations between partners where tempers flare, voices
are raised, and ultimatums are exchanged. This way of resolving conflict, while unfortunately
common, usually results in bitterness, distrust, and the desire for revenge. The issues may be
temporarily settled, but both partners feel resentful, angry or hurt.
Clean, fair fights, on the other hand, are confrontations in which disagreements and grievances are
dealt with according to a specific set of guidelines. Applying these principles, along with the skills of
active listening and a collaborative attitude allows differences to be negotiated.
Successful fights tend to clear up problems and reduce resentment flu. The following guidelines
highlight some of the major fair and unfair fighting techniques partners use.
Remember, what you - the partner of someone with Aspergers - need to decide is not "Should I
express my anger?" or even "How should I express my anger?" but "How can I communicate to my
partner about this issue so that he will do something about it?"
Getting Ready
Be able to let go of anger generated by trivial issues.
Deal with small but significant issues when they happen.
Know what you're fighting about. Be specific, limited and direct with your complaint.
Bring up one thing at a time.
Pick a good time. Deal with big issues as soon as possible. Make and keep an appointment to fight
if necessary.
Unfair:
Avoiding or ignoring an issue your partner feels is important.
Bringing up issues from the distant past.
Giving "the silent treatment".
Gunny sacking (i.e., saving up little hurts and hostilities, then dumping them on your partner all
at once).
Initiating

Be specific and concise.

Deal with your partner's behavior, not his personality or disorder.
Put on your poker face.
Report your anger appropriately using "I" statements ("I'm angry about...").
35

 Say what you really mean.

Stay in the present; use current examples.
Unfair:
Accusations and blaming.
Dwelling on past grievances.
Exaggerating (i.e., overreacting to a situation or making idle threats or ultimatums).
Generalizing (e.g., "You never..." or "You always...")
Hitting below the belt (i.e., purposely calling attention to known weaknesses or areas of
sensitivity with your partner).
Labeling, name calling, character assassination ("You are so insensitive").
Mind reading (i.e., telling your partner what he is thinking and feeling).
Responding
Be an active listener; express back to your partner what you understand his thoughts and feelings
are.
Be sensitive. Avoid fighting back when your partner is just letting off steam.
Check out feelings and thoughts you think your partner has if you think you know, but he isnt
saying.
Count to 10 or more if you're really attacked. At least at first, try not to take your partner's anger
personally.
If you're wrong, admit it!
Let your first response to a grievance be an attempt to understand your partner's perceptions,
values and feelings (maybe he's had a bad day at work).
Unfair:
Assuming your partner should know what you are thinking or feeling when you haven't said
anything.
Cross-complaining; responding to partner's complaint with one of your own.
Sulking
Negotiating - Win/Win
Try to find a number of ways you can both get something of what you want. Consider as many
options as possible from all sides of the issue.
Keep to the subject. Try to resolve one issue before moving to another.
Express your interest in coming to a solution that is satisfactory to you both - a position in which
you can both "win."
Discuss each other's perceptions. How is it that your partner sees things so differently from you?
After you understand how your partner is feeling, try to find out what it is he is really interested
in obtaining by making the complaint or grievance - or by not responding to you.
Unfair:
Ignoring your partner's strong expression of emotions.
Presenting non-negotiable demands.
Thinking your partner must lose if you are to win (and vice versa).
36

Ending
Be ready to forgive.
Call a foul when you feel a guideline has been broken.
Having physical safety valves for excess emotion (e.g., jogging, biking, listening to music, etc.).
If the fight is resolved, try to finish with an expression of positive feelings that you've worked
together successfully.
If the fight isn't resolved right now, make an appointment to finish it later. Allow for interim
solutions.
Unfair:
Continuing with repetitious, stale arguments with no progress being made toward resolution.
Pretending to go along, or to agree when you really don't.
Withholding affections, breaking previous agreements.
Fighting fair is a skill that a partner of a person with Aspergers must have in order to (a)
successfully disengage from power struggles and (b) avoid resultant resentment flu.
Point #2 ----Attribute Positive Intention To Your Partners Behavior (Positive Reframing)
A person with Aspergers doesnt really know why he behaves the way he/she does, so if you (the
partner) claim that he/she is doing something for some reason -- and its a good reason he/she is
inclined to believe it.
For example, if he is angry or negative with you, and you respond with positive reframing, then he
is likely to get confused. Here he is trying to vent and even wanting to get a negative reaction out
of you but you are saying some nice things that he enjoys hearing! As a result of his confusion
about what you are doing, he unknowingly becomes your "partner-in-problem-solving."
Here are some examples of reframes:
Yelled because you wanted to make sure I heard you
Got angry because you wanted to make a point
Were sarcastic because you like to joke around
Have difficulty listening because you have other things on his mind
Lost your temper because you wanted to express your emotions
Argued because you have your own opinion about it
By putting a positive spin on your Aspergers partners behavior, you catch him off guard and
when hes off guard, his defenses are down and when his defenses are down, he tends to slip
into cooperation mode at an almost unconscious level.
Here are some additional examples of reframes for typical Aspergers traits (some will apply, some
wont):

Anger---fear (we dont want the other person to know we are afraid)
37

Anger---hurt (we dont want to give the other person the satisfaction of knowing they hurt
us)
Anger---less painful emotion (i.e., as long as we stay angry, we dont have to (a) face how
desperately alone we feel, or (b) feel hurt and fear more painful emotions)
Anger---loss (e.g., fear of loss of love/control/sense of trust/sense of family)
Anger---maintain boundaries
Anger---need for change in the relationship (e.g., motivating the other person to take action;
intense caring)
Anger---need for protection (i.e., pushing the other person away to avoid hurt/fear or to be
independent)
Anger---need to resist change (e.g., because of respect for the past; to protect oneself by
staying with the familiar; to hold onto the positive things one has had in the past)
Antisocial---carefully selecting ones acquaintances
Avoidant/Reclusive---(a) avoid conflict; (b) enjoy ones own company
Confusion---(a) preparation for new growth, or a step in the process toward new growth, (b)
waiting for an answer and the answer will be revealed soon
Controlling---structuring ones environment
Denial---dealing with limited amounts of stress at a given time, a way to take a time out
Dependent---can accept help from others, can ask for assistance
Depressed---overwhelmed, quite, slowing down, taking inventory, reflecting on the past,
possibility to rest, gaining strength before some trial or test, to mature important plans,
reflection before action, hitting the brakes, placing ones values and/or goals in a new order
Failure---an opportunity to learn
Fighting---a sign of ones independence
Immature---aggressive exploration
Impatient---action-oriented, has high standards
Impulsive---able to let go; be spontaneous
Insensitive---(a) need to feel OK about self in the context of problems (e.g., behaving
insensitively not because they think it will change others behavior, but because they feel
they are doing the best they can), (b) protecting oneself from hurt
Lazy---laid back, mellow, relaxed, taking it easy
Manipulative---good with influencing people
Nagging--- (a) the relationship is important (e.g., because wife wants husband to be close,
available, nondestructive to the relationship; however, wifes way of caring is perceived as
harassment), (b) concerned, (c) trying to bring out the best in someone
Oppositional---searching for ones own way of doing things, having a mind of his/her own
Oversensitive---tuned into other people; very alive and aware
Paranoid--- doesnt extend un-earned trust
Passive---ability to accept things as they are
Passive-aggressive---wants to do things his/her own way
Pushy---assertive, in a hurry, action-oriented
Rage---intense caring about an issue
Rationalization---ability to step back from the problem rather than being overwhelmed by it
Resistance to change---(a) desire to acknowledge, honor, respect the past; (b) protect oneself
by staying with the familiar; (c) an attempt to hold onto the positive things one has had in the
past, (d) a way to prevent false hope or to avoid unrewarded effort
Sarcastic---(a) likes to joke around; (b) wants to fit-in or be cool; (c) provides a sense of
security; (d) wants to avoid being in a one-down position
Self-deprecating---admitting ones own faults to oneself
Stubborn---steadfast purpose
38

Stuck-up---confident
Uncaring---detached, allows room for others
Wandering---exploring all possibilities
Withdrawn---(a) taking care of oneself, (b) deep thinker
Wont listen---pain interferes with listening and considering others feelings/needs

Every Behavior has a Positive Intention

Every behavior has a positive intention. How do I know that? Actually I don't. I do know, however,
that no one knows his/her true motivation. The reasons we give for what we do are usually made
up afterwards. They are usually uttered because they are socially acceptable. Even the worst
criminal believes that what he is doing is right, or good in some way. Otherwise they wouldn't do it.
For example, Baby Face Malone, as he lay dying with multiple bullet wounds after committing many
crimes, muttered, I only wanted to help people.
As a guide it helps to think that everybody thinks they are doing right. If we think others do bad
things because they have evil intentions then we give up trying to influence them, and we may
become afraid of them. So assume that everyone has a good intention - however bad they behave to
you or to others! If you want to influence your Aspergers spouse, then assume a good intention. He
probably has a good intention, or at least you can persuade him he has one!
We do not know why we do things, so if someone (e.g., a therapist) claims that we are doing
something for some reason and this is a good reason we are inclined to believe it. If we are angry
or negative with another person, and that person responds with positive reframing, then we are
likely to get confused. Here we are trying to be defensive, but the other person is saying lots of nice
things we like to hear!
The difference between how men and women behave is best illustrated by how they deal with an
angry dog. A man would say, 'Good dog! Good dog!' while he looked around for a big stick. A woman
on the other hand would say, 'Good dog! Good Dog!' until it actually believed it was a good dog!
I don't believe that this represents a sex difference it's just good psychology.
When you, the partner of an individual with Aspergers, utilize positive reframing, you are telling
him what a good doggy he is until he believes it! And it works!! It works because at heart, that's
what we all are. No matter how foolish or blind our behavior, our intentions are always good.

For Aspergers Men: How to Save Your Marriage

"How can I repair my marriage?" That's a question that, unfortunately, many Aspergers men ask me
(via email) nearly every day. We're all told that marriage isn't easy, but on your wedding day
everything is rosy and it seems as though the bliss you feel will always be there. Once real life sets
in though, things do change and you may find yourself left wondering whether or not your
relationship can be saved. If you still love your partner and you don't want to even consider the
possibility of divorce, there is help for you.
Are you in a troubled marriage that needs to be fixed? Do you sleep at night wondering when your
marriage is going to be over? Do you know how to save a marriage from failure? Just like fixing
39

anything that involves people, it depends on the answers to some other tough questions. There are
three critical questions:
1. Can the marriage work?
2. Do the partners want the marriage to work?
3. Will both partners make it work?
These three questions are not as straightforward as they appear. They each involve other difficult
questions and detailed answers that can't be assumed. It takes a lot of digging, growing and being
honest to get the needed information. The troubled marriage partners have to be able to talk about
what is going on and answer these questions completely and accurately. They are often not able to
do that. Then it is up to the marriage counselor to make interpretations, which may be wrong. On
the bright side, the process of just exploring answers to these three questions can often be healing
in itself. It is certainly always worth the effort.
There are a lot of married couples these days that are experiencing marital difficulties in their
relationship. This is largely due to the fact that in today's world economic downturn, many married
couples are feeling the stress and consistent strains of married life. With jobs being lost and bills
that still need to be paid every month, its no wonder that married couples begin to feel the stress of
being in a relationship with all the financial worries that amounts to them!
Research suggests that the divorce rate for people with Aspergers is around 80 per cent. Social
training, which teaches how to behave in different social situations, is generally more helpful to a
person with Aspergers than counseling. So in keeping with this premise, lets look at some
strategies that could very well save your marriage:

1.
Act as if it's for the first time. In marriage, you have to be new every day, every moment.
You might feel frustrated if you have asked for the same thing 100 times before. Nevertheless, on
the 101st time, ask in a new way, as if it were for the very first time. Imagine yourself to be the
other person and ask in a way that you think he or she would like to be asked. If you feel that you
just can't get what you want, work on yourself and learn to adapt. Find a mentor to help you change
yourself.
2.
Ask yourself: What will my next decision bring - unity or disunity? Not everything is a big
deal. Before you act, before you get irritated or angry, ask yourself: How important is this problem
really? Is it worth destroying the unity of my marriage? Look for the magic moment of choice. In
every moment we must decide: Will I be self-centered or other-centered?
3.
Be a good listener. Hearing doesn't mean agreeing or submitting. Hearing means being
receptive to another's perspective. Don't be defensive. Be receptive. Keep blame out of the
conversation. Most marital difficulties are not resolved with logic. Conflict is emotional and feelings
that are expressed need to be acknowledged without assessing if they are right or wrong. You need
to be able to listen to your spouse, especially when it comes to criticisms. And this needs to be
reciprocated. If your initial response is to shut your spouse out, this does not build trust or respect.
Things are only going to get worse. It can be tough to sit there and not get angry while someone is
doling out criticisms though. There needs to be a time set to discuss these issues without
interruption from each other. Even if there is love in a relationship, there can still be trouble leading
to a divorce.

40

4.
Be big enough for two. Peace in the home is the primary goal of family life. If you want
the best in someone to come out, treat them nicely. No matter how unfair it seems to you how
you've been treated, love and kindness come first. Marriage is not about: "What are you going to do
for me? I gave and gave, now what do I get?" Marriage is an endless training ground for giving,
giving, giving. It's not about fairness. It's about giving. When one person is willing to give 100%,
this opens the heart of the other to give. As a face is reflected in water, so is one heart reflected in
another.
5.
Bring the excitement back into each others lives. Do you remember the first time you guys
met, remember how exciting it was for both of you to get to know each other? Even when you got
past the stage of getting to know each other, you still kept things exciting. Maybe you went on
vacations together, explored the world a little together... or even as simple as having a spontaneous
dinner together. What excited you both back then? Did you lose that sense of excitement? If you
have bring it back with full force. It shouldn't be too hard to do this as you will already know from
past experience what made you both tick! Give it a try... learn how to bring the excitement back into
your lives again!
6.
Do something for yourself. If you're feeling self-conscious about your body, you're probably
going to reflect that onto your spouse. Create an exercise program to help you lose weight and eat a
balanced diet. Buy yourself a new outfit for date night, or spend a day at the spa. So, be sure to do
something that makes you feel better about yourself.
7.
If you try to look at your spouse and your relationship in a better light, that is a great step.
Things may not be the best right now, but it takes those little steps of appreciation to move you in
the right direction. This mentality will slowly work its way into the rest of your relationship. Even
for the small things, make sure you show that you are thankful and appreciative of their action.
8.
Learn to anticipate what the other needs. But don't expect that the other will be able to
anticipate your needs! Communicate your needs clearly. Be realistic. Be specific. Tell your partner
what's going on with you in the moment. It takes practice to be considerate. It takes practice to
learn how to give to another in the way that they need to receive.
9.
Learn to be active with what you say. What I mean here is that your actions speak louder
than the words you say. Your actions also show more meaning. So for instance holding hands or
walking in the park with your arms around each other, or sitting on the couch with one another
"says" a lot without actually saying anything to each other verbally! So when you tell your partner
that you love them and that they mean a lot to you, show them that you mean it through your
actions... a hug and a meaningful kiss, etc.
10.
Make space in your life. How do two people who are worlds apart come together? Make
space in your life, in your time, to include another, not just physical space, but spiritual space. Move
yourself out of the center to create a space for somebody else in your life.
11.
Make your spouse your number one priority. With work and kids demanding your constant
attention, it's easy to ignore the other adult in your life. But someday it will once again just be the
two of you, and you are going to find that you no longer truly know the person sleeping beside you.
Take a moment each day for your spouse and let them know you're thinking about them
throughout the day.

41

12.
No marriage is ever a mistake. Every marriage is a cosmic event. No marriage is an accident.
Even bad marriages are holy and sacred. Sometimes we are not big enough to hold the blessing, but
that doesn't mean that we should throw away the blessing. After you are married, you have to know
that this is the one God chose for you. Love is not always active. Sometimes, it is dormant. Even if
you sometimes feel you don't love your spouse (God forbid!) you can still treat each other well and
with respect just because you are married to each other.
13.
Plan a date night. Many couples get so comfortable with each other after being married for
several years that they stop dressing up for each other and going out on dates. You can re-energize
your relationship with your spouse by planning a night out once a week when you have no choice
but to dress your best.
14.
Practice forgiveness. Forgiveness is the ability to separate the past from the present. Be
new. Take a deep breath and allow people to change and grow - especially the ones to whom you
are closest. It isn't easy to forgive, but think of the consequences if you don't! The more you
practice, the easier it gets.
15.
Respect each other's boundaries. Everybody needs privacy. Let your family know when you
need time and space for yourself. Don't just get cranky and expect them to know.
16.
Schedule some time together. Turn off your cell phones, your television and your instant
messenger. Now sit down together and really listen to each other. Share your feelings with your
spouse and listen to them share their feelings as well.
17.
Take action on your own and say "I need to learn how to fix my marriage." There are things
you can start doing on your own to help fix your marriage and get it back to a loving one like it was
at the beginning. It's possible that you can even build it back up even stronger than it was. If you are
in a troubled marriage, you may still be able to save it. Divorce is not the only answer. It can be
tough to have some hope because there are so many issues in the air, but there is always hope.
There are things you can start doing right now can help stop your relationship from ending in a
divorce.
18.
Taking responsibility for your own actions. Sometimes, it's easy just to blame your spouse,
and if both of you are doing that, no progress can be made. Its unfair and out-of-touch with reality
to blame your spouse for everything. I've done this too many times in the past, and realize that I
have to make a change, and I have to do it before it's too late.
19.
Try to always have good things to say to your spouse. Having a goal you are keeping in mind
will help with your progress.
20.
Watch for your patterns. If they are counter-productive, work to break your habits. Usually
anger in marriage is caused by unconscious patterns. Often we cannot see our own patterns. Find a
mentor that you trust and respect who can guide you on an ongoing basis about your problems. The
next time you find yourself growing irritated, ask yourself: What feelings are being aroused in me?
What can I learn from this? What do I need to fix in myself?
21.
Write each other love letters. Taking the time to send your spouse a little reminder that you
love them can really help you reconnect. Plus, emphasizing your significant other's best qualities
can remind you what made you fall in love in the first place.

42

22.

Use the Seven Ways to Build Trust and Respect:

Be willing to accept criticism. Criticism that hurts is usually accurate. Try to separate how
well you do from who you are, so that you can be more effective in what you do without
suffering from ego bruises.
Be willing to give criticism in a gentle, respectful way.
Don't try to change things when you are emotional. Plan a time to problem-solve together
when you feel calm and rested. Find the right time.
Find the right words to express your needs.
Fulfill your word. When you say you are going to do something, be sure to do it or ask
permission to change the plan.
Have a clear agenda in advance.
If you find it hard to trust others, find someone trustworthy and trust them with something
small.

Couples can love one another and yet find themselves drifting apart and headed for a divorce. There
are steps you can take, with or without the aid of your spouse to get your marriage back into the
loving place it once was. Yes you can save your marriage and rebuild it into a more connected,
satisfying relationship.
A Word about Treatment
The first hurdle most Aspergers men face is that they may be so out of touch with their emotions
that they do not even realize that they are, for example, depressed. Even when these men do realize
that they are depressed, abusing alcohol or have some other problem, they are still less likely than
women to see a psychologist or other mental health professional.
Some of the factors underlying Aspergers men's reluctance to seek assistance include:

Social norms Some Aspergers men may also worry that society will look down on a
handicapped man who can't "tough it out" on his own, and that seeking or even needing
help is not "normal" male behavior. Even men who do seek counseling may worry about
what others think of their choice.

Masculine role socialization To benefit from counseling, a man must admit that he
needs help, must rely on the counselor and must openly discuss and express emotion. These
requirements conflict with traditional ideals of what it means to be male: toughness,
independence and emotional control. The more men define themselves by traditional roles
in our society, the less they tend to get help.

What can be done?

One way to convince your Aspergers man to seek help is to convince him that the things he needs
help with are "normal." Treatment will help him find normalcy in his life. When individuals with
Aspergers get the proper treatment, they are often overjoyed because finally everything makes
sense to them (e.g., why they can't hold a job, keep a relationship, etc.). They have blamed
themselves all their lives. Now they have a framework in which to understand their difficulties and
their strengths. With proper treatment, their quality of life increases in areas of leisure interests,
social activities, health, employment and family.
43

A treatment that works with one adult with Aspergers may not work with another. There is no cure
and no specific treatment. Aspergers usually doesnt improve, although experience helps to build up
coping skills. Social training, which teaches how to behave in different social situations, is generally
more helpful than counseling. Cognitive Behavior Therapy is being increasingly used to assist the
person with Aspergers to understand and manage their behavioral responses.

Conclusion
Life is like a complex puzzle for adults with Aspergers at every step. If you know that a person is
suffering from this syndrome, be patient with him. With time you will be able to see why his
behavior (that seems inappropriate to you) is the only right way for him to react.
Once married, it is then that the true characteristics of Aspergers become more noticeable. Maybe
the Aspergers partners constant need to be reminded or the way they lost track of time was cute
when dating, but now married, it becomes frustrating. Partners may become angry as they wonder
why after so many years of being together that their spouse still can't understand what they are
saying or understand their feelings.
At times the partner with Aspergers may appear egotistical, selfish, or uncaring, when in fact this is
not the case. Aspergers is a neurological condition in which a person is often unable to understand
the emotions of others. Those with the condition are not intentionally being mean or uncaring, they
just cannot interpret other people's feelings adequately or figure out the sarcasm in their speech.
Usually they are surprised and embarrassed when finding out their actions were rude or hurtful.
While it was nice to have a partner's unwavering attention when dating, a married couple needs the
socialization of others. Many couples are surprised how unsociable their spouse with Aspergers
may be, or how inappropriate their comments may be.
Some couples may not even know their partner is affected by Aspergers. They may believe their
spouse just doesn't care enough to change or make a big enough effort to save the relationship. For
those who do discover the possibility of Aspergers or for those who have already been diagnosed,
they have a better chance at making the relationship work.
Part of understanding Aspergers is to know that people with the condition are not intentionally
trying to frustrate their partner. They are not trying to ignore their spouse when they get so
wrapped up in a particular hobby or interest. They don't mean to be rude when the wrong things
come out of their mouth at the wrong time.
Adults with Aspergers may have certain rituals or routines. They may hate surprises or not be able
to handle changes. They may not be able to remember the little things and they may be easily
distracted. All of these characteristics are not meant to hurt anyone.
In living with an Aspergers partner, accepting the differences that come with it is crucial. No
relationship is perfect, and neither is one with Aspergers. Husbands and wives both must work to
make any relationship work. Having a better understanding of Aspergers is usually the saving
point in a conflicted marriage.
44

Together couples can work out a better understanding of one another and learn how to better
communicate and to send clearer messages to each other. For a successful relationship, knowing
that their spouse with Aspergers really does care makes all the difference.
Most Asperger partners are reliable and responsible people. They work hard and are good
providers for their families. Some of them are boyish and nave, which can be very charming. Since
most children in general spend more time with their mother, boys with Aspergers may have turned
to their mothers for role models and could display more feminine behavior. In adulthood, Asperger
males do not try to meet the obligations society has from men in general. They can be quite happy
to help clean and cook. Most of the time when asked, they are more than willing to help out with
whatever task is needed all you have to do is ask.

45