TWENTY FOUR OR TWO DOZEN JOKES - 012

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No 1
ASS ICONS
(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
((__!__)) a fat out of shape jiggly ass
(!) a tight ass
(_^_) a bubble ass
(_*_) a sore ass
{_!_} a swishy ass
[_!_] a hard ass
(_o_) an ass that's been around
(_O_) an ass that's been in prison
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_o^o_) a wise ass
(_E=mc2_) a smart ass
(_$_) Money coming out of his ass
(_?_) Dumb Ass
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No 2
REAL PERSONAL AD
" SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I
'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, r
iding in our pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips, cozy winter nigh
ts lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand.
Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you ge
t home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call
XXX-XXXX and ask for Daisy."
Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the local Humane Society abo
ut an 8-week-old black Labrador retriever.
Men are so easy. . . . . .
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No 3

APPLE PIN
While visiting a friend who was in the hospital, I noticed several prett
y nurses, each of whom was wearing a pin designed to look like an apple.
I asked one nurse what the pin signified.
"Nothing," she said with a smile. "It's just to keep the doctors away."
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No 4
ODE TO WOMEN
Here's to woman, that beautiful vine,
she blooms once a month, and bears once in nine.
She is the only creature this side of hell,
that can take juice from a nut, without breaking the shell.
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No 5
OUCH!!
"Doctor," said the old professor, "that rectal exam hurt like hell! What
in tar nation did you do?"
"I used two fingers," said the doctor.
"What the heck for?" cried the old professor.
"I needed a second opinion."
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No 6
GOOD BYE MY LOVE
The young couple is on their honeymoon. After a few hours of exhausting
great sex he says,
"Now you won't see me for a while."
"We're on our honeymoon!" she exclaims. "Where do you think you're going
?"
"Nowhere, Sweetie," he says. "Please turn over."
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No 7
SKELETON
The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and his st
aff was helping transport many of the items. I sat the display skeleton in the f
ront of my car, his bony arm across the back of my seat.
I hadn't considered the drive across town. At one traffic light, the sta
res of the people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked across and e
xplained, "I'm delivering him to my doctor's office."
The other driver leaned out of his window. "I hate to tell you, lady," h
e said, "but I think it's too late!"
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No 8
LOOKIN FOR NUB
An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmaci
st for Viagra.
The pharmacist said "That's no problem. How many do you want?"
The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen, but can you cut each o
ne into four pieces."
The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you throu
gh sex."
The gentleman said, "Oh, that's all right. I'm past eighty years old, a
nd I don't even think about sex anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough
so I don't pee on my shoes."
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No 9
ICE CREAM ANYONE?
A husband comes home with a half-gallon of ice cream and asks his wife i
f she wants some.
"How hard is it?" she asks.
"About as hard as my dick." he replies.
"Ok, then pour me some!"
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No 10
MEN GET PROTECTED TODAY!!!!!
"Woman chops off sleeping man's penis and drops from moving car!" Don't
laugh, it is true, and it can happen to you!!
Right now thousands of agitated, irate women have read that headline and
are contemplating similar action against you the next time you make an unwanted
sexual advance, look at them the wrong way, or just upset them in general!!
MEN PROTECT YOURSELVES NOW!!
If you found yourself a victim of CDS (Chop and Drop Syndrome) could you
be sure the
appropriate authorities would find your chopped member i
n time and intact?? Could you be
sure the penis part they found w
as yours??
Inquire now about our low-cost Penis Protection Plan!
Plan 1:
We'll register your penis and scrotum, plus tattoo them with their own u
nique registration
number, ensuring that in case of separation, you
will get a perfect match every time.
Plan 2:
Our Jurassic prick program. We'll take a cell sample from your penis and
clone replacement
parts for you in the event a trailer-tractor run
s over your penis, or some wild animal mistakes
your detached me

mber for a chew toy.

Plan 3:
For those of you who believe in prevention, we offer a one size fits all
, battery-operated,
stainless steel jockstrap that can be worn when
necessary. When you are asleep an alarm will
be activated when metal
or other hazardous objects come within one foot of the jockstrap.
This will guarantee you a full nights sleep, free of worry.
Don't get caught short...
Call 1-800-SAV-A-DIC today!!!!!
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No 11
GOOD AND BAD
There was this fellow who received a phone call from his doctor. The doc
tor said, "I have some bad news and some really bad news."
The fellow said, "Let me have it."
The doctor said, "The bad news is that I got your test results back and
you have only 24 hours to live."
The man groaned, sobbed, and otherwise carried on. Finally he asked the
doctor, "What's the really bad news?"
The doctor replied, "I forgot to call you yesterday!"
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No 12
COURSES FOR WOMEN
1.

Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before

2.

The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits

3.

Parties: Going Without New Outfits

4.

Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait until After The Game

5.

Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.

6.

Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His

7.

Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First

8.

Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking

9.

Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without

10.

Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire

11.

Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up

12.

Introduction to Parking

13.

Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space

14.

Water Retention: Fact or Fat

15.

Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter

16.

Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption

17.

Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People

18.

Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully

19.

PMS: Your Problem . .. . Not His

20.

Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To

21.

Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have

22.

Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice

23.

Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together

24.

Oil and Petrol: Your Car Needs Both (not just tissues and air freshers)

25.

TV remote controls are for men Only

26.

Getting ready to go out: Start the day before.

Please register immediately as courses are in great demand.

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No 13
I'LL DRINK TO THAT!
A head-on collision occurred between a man and a woman.
Both emerged from the scene intact while their cars were totally demolis
hed.
The woman said, "This is quite a predicament. We should drink a toast to
celebrate this miracle."
The man replied, "What a great idea; I just happen to have a bottle with
me."
With this he handed it to the man.
The man downed half the bottle and handed it back.
The woman would not take it back and said, "I think I will wait until af
ter the police arrive to celebrate."
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No 14
FROM THE MOUTHS OF BABES
It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's
sermon. All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat
down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your
Easter Dress?"

The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone,
"Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."
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No 15
ARGG! A GROANER
A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time.
Driving up beside her, he says, "Pull over!"
"No," she shouts back, "a pair of socks!"
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No 16
OFF TO ENGLAND
A harried driving instructor came home from work, kicked off his shoes,
and fell into a chair. "I'm thinking of taking six or seven of my students to En
gland," he said.
"What on earth for?" his wife asked.
"It might make them feel good to see what it's like to drive on the left
side of the road-legally."
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No 17
STRUCK A NERVE!
At the end of a tiny deserted bar sits a huge Mexican. He's having a few
beers when a short, well dressed, and obviously gay man walks in and sits besid
e him.
After three or four beers, the gay fellow finally plucks up the courage
to say something to the big Mexican. Leaning over towards him, he whispers, "Do
you want a blow job?"
At this, the massive Mexican leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks t
he man in the face, knocking him swiftly off his stool. He proceeds to beat him
all the way out of the bar before leaving him bruised and battered in the parkin
g lot and returning to his seat.
Amazed, the bartender quickly brings over another beer to the big Mexica
n. "I've never seen you react like that," he says. "Just what did he say to you?
"
"I don't know," the big Mexican replied. "Something about a job."
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No 18
SUCCESS SECRET
"Sir, What is the secret of your success?" a reporter asked a bank presi
dent.
"Two words"
"And, Sir, what are they?"

"Right decisions."
"And how do you make right decisions?"
"One word."
"And, What is that?"
"Experience."
"And how do you get Experience?"
"Two words"
"And, Sir, what are they?"
"Wrong decisions"
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No 19
PORKY PINE
A woman teacher asked a zoo keeper during a zoo visit with her 4th grade
class, "What is the difference between the North American porcupine and the Afr
ican porcupine ?"
"The principal difference between them Miss," the attendant replied, "is
that the North American species has a longer prick."
The teacher fled in distress and anger to the Administration Building wh
ere the Chief Curator attempted to mollify her.
"I apologize for my staff Miss." he said. "It was an unfortunate choice
of terms. What the keeper should have told your children is that the North Ameri
can porcupine has a longer quill.
"Their pricks are exactly the same size."
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No 20
CRAZY AUSSIE SLANGS
AEROPLANE BLONDE
One who has bleached or dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.
BADLY PACKED KEBAB
A vulgar (but still excellent) term for the female genitalia
BEER COMPASS
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a booze c
ruise, even though
you're too pissed to remember where you live, ho
w you got there, and where you've come from.
BOBFOC
Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.
BUDGIE'S TONGUE or SMALL MAN IN A BOAT, or TONGUE PUNCHBAG
The female erection.

FREE THE TADPOLES

Liberate the residents of the Wank Tanks.
HAND-TO-GLAND COMBAT
A vigorous masturbation session.
MUMBLER
An attractive girl in tight shorts or jeans, etc i.e. you can see the 'l
ips' moving but can't quite
make out what they're saying.
ETCH-A-SKETCH
Trying to draw a smile on a woman's face by twiddling both her nipples s
imultaneously.
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No 21
TRY SAYING SOME OF THESE AT WORK...
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: When the fuck do you expect me to do this?
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that is not feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No fucking way!
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me.
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my fucking problem.
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?
TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem?
INSTEAD OF: Who the fuck cares?
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the problem.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at this moment.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I'm on salary.
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?
TRY SAYING: I see.
INSTEAD OF: Bite me.

TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it.

INSTEAD OF: Another fucking meeting?
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a fucking prick.
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting bitch.
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck are you doing?
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No 22
DIRTY LITTLE LIMS
There was a young actress from Crewe
Who remarked as the vicar withdrew
the Bishop was quicker
And thicker and slicker
And two inches longer than you.
A girl who hiked o'er the land
Once showed me a trick with her hand.
She zipped down her pants,
Adjusted her stance,
And peed out my name in the sand!
It's my code," says a mailman named Drew,
To unzip, then deliver a screw.
If virgins, when nervous,
Resist postal service,
I explain that the male must get through."
Mary had a little lamb
her father called it Ralph
and now it's burning in a field
because of foot and mouth!
Mary had a little lamb
it's coat was full of fleas
but worse than that, the little bitch
had foot and mouth disease...
Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known:
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter
When deciding how best to be blown
There was a ho' named Sadie
Who's antics were really quite shady
But she said with a smile
every once in a while
Someone would mistake me for a lady.
An eccentric young boy, name of Billy
Got his kicks tying strings round his willie.
But one fateful night,
He tied them too tight,

And since then he's known only as "Millie".

There was a young lady from Sidney
Who could take it right up to her kidney,
But a man from Quebec
Shoved it up to her neck,
He had a long one, now didn' he?
There was a young man from Duntroon,
Who was born about nine months too soon,
He didn't have the luck to be born by a fuck,
But a wet dream fed in with a spoon.
There once was an old man from Wicket.
Who asked a young lady to lick it.
She promptly said no,
And started to go,
But she did tell him where he could stick it.
There once was a man named Hyatt,
Who's sexual habits were a riot,
From horses to hens,
To mices and mens,
If it had a hole, he would try it.
There once was a girl named Katy Brown,
Said no man could screw her down,
When over the hill came Piss-Pot Pete,
With twenty pounds of hangin' meat.
The next morn' they found poor Katie dead,
Her boobs pushed in and and her vagina red.
They said it was the job of Piss-Pot Pete,
and his twenty pounds of hangin' meat.
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No 23
SLEEPOVER AT THE GRANDPARENT'S HOUSE
7:00 PM.
Mom and dad drop you off at your Grandparent's house. After the usual ch
eek pinch and the, "My how you've grown" bit, you're faced with the evening's e
ntertainment choices ...
1) Hold yarn while grandma knits cardigan.
2) Look at grandpa's stamp collection.
8:30 PM
After an evening of excitement it's time for bed. Grandpa leads you up t
o the spare bedroom in the attic, where you spend the entire night petrified, as
you peer out of moth balled blankets at the framed photos of dead relatives tha
t adorn the walls.
6:30 AM the next morning.
Grandpa calls you down for breakfast. As you lift a spoonfull of oatmeal
to your mouth, you notice a curley grey hair in it. Since gramps is totally bal
d on top, this could only mean one thing. YEEEEECH!
9:30 AM
Grandma asks you to hold the ladder while she changes a light bulb. Not
thinking, you look up in horror to see the under side of her floral moo moo. YEC
CCCCH!

11:30AM
Parents pull into the driveway. Tears of joy stream down your face as yo
u sprint to the car to greet them.
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No 24
THE DINER
A young man at his first job as a waiter in a diner has a large trucker
sit down at the counter and order, "Gimme 3 flat tires and a couple of headlight
s."
Bewildered he goes to the kitchen and tells the cook, "I think this guy'
s in the wrong store, look at what he ordered!"
The cook says, "He wants 3 pancakes & 2 eggs sunny-side up."
The waiter takes a bowl of beans to the trucker.
He looks at it and growls, "What's this? I didn't order this!"
The young man tells him, "The cook says that while you're waiting for yo
ur parts you might as well gas up.
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