Creating Balance In A Child’s Life

Bookmarks this Article

Email Article to Friend

By: James P. Krehbiel

I am making a passionate plea to parents and teachers who believe that schooling is the
alpha and omega of a child's life. Often, schools have convinced students and parents that
a child's focus must exclusively be centered on academic concerns during every waking
hour.

This is not a question of whether a quality academic program plays an integral role in the
life of our children. However, do parents and teachers understand the necessity of
creating a climate so that children are able to find a sense of balance in their lives?
Schooling, as important as it is, should not be the only focus of a child's daily lifestyle.
There should be more to a child's life than teaching, learning, and the reaction of parents
to a child's academic performance.

Ironically, children who have a well-balanced schedule of non-academic activities are

more likely to experience school success. Sometimes, the pressure that schools or parents
apply in the pursuit of academic excellence can actually create a cycle of school failure.

During my school counseling years, kids would come to visit me and share their horror
stories about being consumed with homework, which took precedence over other
meaningful activities such as dance, karate, sports, and family-time. Their parents would
be confused or angry at the school, but would keep their feelings to themselves. Instead
they would comply with the school's request by policing their children as they plodded
along in the process of completing an exhausting regime of homework. School work
became the primary priority at home. To make matters worse, the parents felt obligated to
remove social activities from the life of their children as a consequence for school
performance problems. This pattern has not changed since I left the school system.

I believe that poor school performance should never be used to activate negative
consequences which exclude youngsters from other valued activities. Instead, positive
reinforcement by parents and teachers, along with meaningful, reasonable goals for
students, should be implemented as motivators to bolster student achievement. Removing
a child's need for social outlets as a consequence for school failure should be eliminated.
An incredible number of power-struggles that emerge between a parent and child are
waged over the issue of school performance. Parents feel pressure to remove all other
activities from a child's life. This self-defeating strategy further erodes the parent-child
relationship and fosters more animosity as the child views his life as nothing more than a
microcosm of the world of education. Invariably, the child will offer the parents "pay-
backs" in the form of poorly done or unfinished school work.

How can schools and parents promote a sense of balance in the lives of our children
while encouraging academic excellence?

• Create a sense of involvement with children apart from the issue of schooling.
• Ask children to make value judgments about the quality of their school
performance rather than teachers and parents lecturing, moralizing and
pontificating.
• Separate the issue of school performance from other aspects of a child's life.
• Use positive reinforcement techniques to foster better school performance.
• Teachers can change their concept of homework, making it non-compulsory. If
homework is given, it should be meaningful, reasonable in length, and reflect
quality.
• Maintaining a child's social activities is important. This may include hobbies,
sports, club activities, family and social time. Daniel Goleman, author of
Emotional Intelligence, indicates that employers are looking for students who
have been educated in social relationships, team loyalty, problem-solving, and
conflict resolution. These skills cannot be learned if a child is one-dimensional in
his life activities and lacks balance.
• Schools need to re-think the manner in which they educate students. Civility,
moral education, volunteer service, affective education, and cooperative learning
need to be stressed along with the 3R's.
• Parents need to encourage their children to involve themselves in a wide range of
activities. Such an emphasis will develop the "whole child" and make children
more open to the responsibilities of schooling.

Teachers and parents need to work together to assist our children in pursuing a well-
balanced lifestyle. The issue of school performance should be separated from a child's
other life activities. If teachers and parents promote quality education, promote a strong
sense of involvement with children, and encourage children's performance with positive
reinforcement, an appropriate lifestyle balance can be maintained.

James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC is an author, educator, freelance writer and

cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. He can be reached
at krehbielcounseling.com. or leavingthebubble.blogspot.com.

Read more: http://www.familyresource.com/parenting/character-development/creating-

balance-in-a-childs-life#ixzz0d9jI9SpK

http://www.familyresource.com/parenting/character-development/creating-balance-in-a-
childs-life
ERIC Identifier: ED279992
Publication Date: 1986-00-00
Author: Beekman, Nancy
Source: ERIC Clearinghouse on Counseling and Personnel Services Ann Arbor MI.

Helping Children Cope with Divorce: The School Counselor's

Role. Highlights: An ERIC/CAPS Digest.
The U.S. Census bureau estimates that approximately 50 percent of all American children
born in 1982 will live in a single-parent home sometime during their first 18 years,
mostly as a result of separation or divorce. Schools can represent one stable force in the
children's lives during the family transition, and school personnel can help them cope
with the effects of divorce.

AGE DIFFERENCES

Research examining children's mechanisms for coping with divorce has shown that
children's reactions depend on their age and developmental stage at the time the divorce
occurs. (Cantrell, 1986; Freeman & Couchman, 1985; Kieffer, 1982; Wallerstein &
Kelly, 1980).

Early Latency (ages 5-8). Children between the ages of five and eight at the time of their
parents' divorce tend to react with great sadness. Some may feel fearful, insecure,
helpless, and abandoned by the missing parent. Younger children often express guilt and
blame themselves for their parents' divorce.

Late Latency (ages 9-12). Children in late latency at the time of their parents' divorce are
distinguished from younger children by their feelings of intense anger. Nine to 12-year-
olds may still feel loneliness, loss, shock, surprise, and fear, but anger and possibly the
rejection of one parent are the predominant reactions of this age group.

Adolescence (ages 13-18). Adolescents whose parents are divorcing also experience loss,
sadness, anger, and pain. A typical adolescent reaction to parental divorce, however,
often involves acting-out behaviors. Sexual promiscuity, delinquency, the use of alcohol
and drugs, and aggressive behavior have all been identified as adolescent reactions to
parental divorce.

IN-SCHOOL REACTIONS

In Wallerstein and Kelly's (1980) five-year longitudinal study of 60 families and 131
children of divorce, teachers reported that two-thirds of the children showed changes in
school behavior and/or academic performance following the parental separation. Cantrell
(1986) concurs that teachers frequently report observing changes in academic
achievement, moods, attendance patterns, and behavior of children adjusting to their
parents' divorce.

SCHOOL ROLE
The school is in an excellent position to offer supportive services to children of divorce
(Kieffer, 1982). Children spend much time in school, where the continuity and routine
can offer a safe environment for interventions. Counselors, teachers, and other school
personnel are available on a daily basis and can provide help that avoids both the stigma
and the expense associated with seeking help form private practitioners. Finally, the
number of children in the school provides the possibility for group interventions.

SCHOOL COUNSELOR'S ROLE

The school counselor can provide valuable assistance directly through counseling with
the children and indirectly through services to school administrators, teachers, and
parents. Scherman and Lepak (1986) suggest that counselors not view divorce as a single
problem with negative consequences, but focus on changes caused by divorce (e.g.,
single-parent homes, changes in routines and life stlyes, visitation patterns with relatives)
and their positive, negative, or neutral effects on the children.

Working with School Administrators. Drake (1981) identified 10 major issues facing
administrators with regard to children of divorce: school territorial rights, parental access
to school records, release of the child from school, school visits, medical emergencies,
financial responsibility, the child's surname, retention, confidentiality of records, and
parental access to school functions. Counselors can consult with school administrators on
these policy issues and help them to understand the legal implications of divorce for the
school.

Because kidnapping of a child by the noncustodial parent may be a concern, schools need
to guard against the possibility of parental kidnapping. Burns and Brassard (1982)
suggest that schools:

1. Ask parents to inform the school about custody concerns.

2. Require parents to show legal documentation of sole custody when they report a sole
custody arrangement.

3. Ensure that teachers are aware of custody status.

4. Maintain an office list of children and custodial parents.

Working with Teachers. School counselors can help teachers and other school personnel
by conducting in-services on the effects of divorce on children and their classroom
behavior. Counselors can also help to sensitize teachers to the transition a child is
experiencing and to the implications of that transition. Teachers may need to change their
choice of words, or to adapt their curriculum and classroom resource materials to include
various family types.

Working with Parents. Counselors can make parents aware of the special needs of their
child during the divorce transition. A study by Hammond (1979) of third- to sixth-
graders, for example, revealed that 74 percent of the 82 children who were from
separated or divorced families believed that school counselors could help by talking with
parents of children who asked the counselor to do so. Counselors can also assist parents
by referring them to divorce support groups in the community, by recommending reading
materials that deal with families of divorce, and by suggesting ways that parents can help
their children adjust to divorce.

Working with Children. Intervention strategies with children will depend on each child's
individual needs. Kieffer (1982) suggests an adaptation of Kelly and Wallerstein's (1977)
Divorce Specific Assessment which involves determining the child's developmental
achievements, interviewing the child about his/her response to the family situation, and
evaluating the child's existing support systems.

Hammond's (1979) study found that over 86 percent of third- to sixth-graders interviewed
thought that counselors could best help children whose parents are divorcing by
encouraging the children to talk about their feelings. Approximately the same percentage
reported that counselors could also help by providing children with books to read about
divorce.

Individual Counseling. Although there exists little research testing the efficacy of
individual counseling with children of divorce, clinicians report a desirable change in the
child's affect as a result of individual counseling. Individual counseling is usually
reserved for children with long-term, unproductive coping behaviors and for children
who cannot work well in groups.

Group Counseling. Robson (1982) reports that children's groups on divorce, led by
elementary school counselors with specific strategies to meet the needs of these children,
have been extremely successful. Divorce groups are a popular choice for counselors
because of their cost effectiveness and multiple benefits. Eighty-two percent of the
students in Hammond's (1979) study reported that a group counseling situation for
children would be beneficial.

Cantrell (1986) suggests that counselors using group counseling with children of divorce
deal with the developmental responses of the children while helping them to label and
understand their feelings, realize that others are having similar feelings and experiences,
understand the divorce process, learn new coping skills, and feel good about themselves
and their parents.

Several types of group counseling are available which could be beneficial to children of
divorce:

1. Situational/transitional groups offer emotional support; catharsis; and information

sharing about stress, mutual feelings, and similar experiences.

2. Structured groups can teach children how to deal with crisis situations through group
discussions, role playing, and the use of drawings and collages.
3. One-day workshops for children between the ages of 10 and 17 can use sentence
completion exercises, assertiveness training, and films about divorce to help group
members explore values and assumptions about marriage and divorce, learn to express
and cope with their own and their parents' feelings, and develop communication skills for
handling difficult situations.

CONCLUSION

In summary, school personnel can offer support for children of divorce and for their
divorcing parents. Freeman and Couchman (1985) conclude that counselors and teachers
working with children of divorce can be most effective when they:

1. Provide opportunities for students to discuss their feelings. 2. Allow children privacy
when needed. 3. Recommend and encourage the use of age-appropriate resource
materials. 4. Provide a stable environment. 5. Maintain consistent expectations and
routines. 6. Engage in supportive communication. 7. Inform parents about child's
progress or difficulties. 8. Encourage parents to be honest, direct, supportive, and firm
with their children. 9. Be aware of language which may be offensive to children of
divorce. 10. Plan and label events for parents, rather than specifically for mothers or
fathers.

FOR MORE INFORMATION

Burns, C.W. and M.R. Brassard. "A Look at the Single Parent Family: Implications for
the School Psychologist." PSYCHOLOGY IN THE SCHOOLS 19(4) (1982): 487-494.

Cantrell, R.G. "Adjustment to Divorce: Three Components to Assist Children."

ELEMENTARY SCHOOL GUIDANCE AND COUNSELING 20(3) (1986): 163-173.

Drake, E.A. "Helping Children Cope with Divorce: The Role of the School." In
CHILDREN OF SEPARATION AND DIVORCE: MANAGEMENT AND
TREATMENT, eds. I.R. Stuart and L.E. Abt. New York: Van Nostrand Reinhold, 1981.

Freeman, R. and B. Couchman. "Coping with Family Change: A Model for Therapeutic
Group Counseling with Children and Adolescents." SCHOOL GUIDANCE WORKER
40(5) (1985): 44-50.

Hammond, J.M. "Children of Divorce: Implications for Counselors." THE SCHOOL

COUNSELOR 27(1) (1979): 7-13.

Kelly, J.B. and J.S. Wallerstein. "Brief Interventions with Children in Divorcing
Families." AMERICAN JOURNAL OF ORTHOPSYCHIATRY 47 (1977): 23-39.

Kieffer, D. "Children Coping with Divorce: School Psychological Management and

Treatment." In PSYCHOLOGICAL APPROACHES TO PROBLEMS OF CHILDREN
AND ADOLESCENTS, ed. J. Grimes. Des Moines, IA: Iowa State Department of Public
Instruction, 1982. (ED 232 082)

Robson, B.A. "A Developmental Approach to the Treatment of Divorcing Parents.' In

THERAPY WITH REMARRIAGE FAMILIES, ed. L. Messinger. Rockville, MD: Aspen
Systems, 1982.

Scherman, A. and L. Lepak, Jr. "Children's Perceptions of the Divorce Process."

ELEMENTARY SCHOOL GUIDANCE AND COUNSELING 21(1) (1986). (CG 530
996)

Wallerstein, J.S., and J.B. Kelly. SURVIVING THE BREAKUP: HOW CHILDREN
AND PARENTS COPE WITH DIVORCE. New York: Basic Books, 1980.

http://www.ericdigests.org/pre-925/divorce.htm

Parental influences on academic performance in African-

American students

Read more: http://www.faqs.org/abstracts/Family-and-marriage/Parental-influences-on-

academic-performance-in-African-American-students.html#ixzz0d9k9yB4c

author: Wilson, Melvin N., Taylor, Lorrain C., Hinton, Ivora D.

Publisher: Springer
Publication Name: Journal of Child and Family Studies
Subject: Family and marriage
ISSN: 1062-1024
Year: 1995

Read more: http://www.faqs.org/abstracts/Family-and-marriage/Parental-influences-on-

academic-performance-in-African-American-students.html#ixzz0d9kD0dtt

Impact of Divorce, Single Parenting and Stepparenting on Children

Book by E. Mavis Hetherington, Josephine D. Arasteh; Lawrence Erlbaum Associates,

1988.

You Are Reading:

Why Some Children Succeed despite the Odds

Book by Warren A. Rhodes, Waln K. Brown; Praeger Publishers, 1991

The Effects of Family Conflict Resolution
on Children's Classroom Behavior
Journal article by Bruce F. Dykeman; Journal of Instructional
Psychology, Vol. 30, 2003

Journal Article Excerpt

The effects of family conflict resolution on children's classroom behavior.

by Bruce F. Dykeman
Fifteen children of recently separated or divorced parents completed a family systems
intervention with their custodial parent for purposes of reducing family conflict and
improving classroom behavior. A paired-samples t-test indicated significantly improved
use of verbal reasoning (p < .01) and significantly reduced use of verbal aggression (p <
.01) from pretest to 6-months follow-up when resolving family conflicts as reported by
participating students. No significant reduction in physical aggression was noted.
Teacher observations indicated significant improvement in classroom behavior from the
time of initial referral to completion of intervention (p < .05).
More than a third of American children experience their parents' divorce before
reaching 18, and under many circumstances, the effects of divorce can have immediate
and long-lasting consequences. With more than one million divorces occurring every
year (U.S. Bureau of the Census, 1996), divorce has become a frequent occurrence in
American society.
The negative effects of parental divorce upon children depend upon many factors,
including the age and sex of the child at the time of the marital dissolution, the amount
of conflict within the family unit, and the degree of cooperation between the divorced or
separated parents (Dacey & Travers, 2002). Each of these factors, alone and in
interaction with each other, influences the psychological health of the child and the
ability of the child to do well at school.
The manner by which parents interact with each other, both before and after the divorce,
may have a far greater impact on children than the actual divorce itself (Hetherington,
Stanley-Hagan & Anderson, 1989; Hines, 1997). Indeed, it is often difficult to separate
the effects of divorce from the effects of a conflictual family relationship. In this
manner, the negative effects of divorce may stem from pre-existing differences in the
family unit prior to the divorce itself, and these negative effects may be more related to
the emotional separation that precedes the legal divorce.
In general, children who have recently experienced a family dissolution have a more
difficult time with academic and social expectations at school than children from intact
families or established single-parent or blended families (Carlson, 1995). However,
there is much variability in children's adjustment to parental divorce. Under some
circumstances, children of divorce show only small negative effects that are limited in
time; and in a few circumstances, children show resilience in adjusting to the effects of
parental divorce. Indeed, children who thrive well in family dissolution are more likely
 to report living in homes characterized by family support and parental control (Dacey &
Travers, 2002).
What are the circumstances of children' s successful adjustment to parental divorce?
Children do better when parents provide consistent and coordinated co-parenting in
which they monitor their children and provide them with nurturance and discipline
(Carlson, 1995; Hines, 1997). Such co-parenting requires a problem-solving approach
in which the separated parents hide their own conflicts from children and avoid putting
children in the middle of parental disagreements. After the divorce, effective co-
parenting requires a business-like relationship in which parents avoid criticizing each
other in front of their children.
Despite such resilience, many children of divorce experience intense, short-term effects
that negatively impact upon their school performance; and a few children carry long-
lasting effects into their own adulthood that seriously impair their ability to develop and
maintain a long-lasting relationship (Wallerstein, 1988; Wallerstein & Corbin, 1999).
For these children, witnessing the conflict of parental divorce represents a critical life
passage of emotional stressors that predispose them to much vulnerability (Thompson,
1998).
The emotional aspects of adjusting to parental divorce often affect the child' s ability to
meet the academic and social expectations at school (Dacey & Travers, 2002). In this
regard, the emotional aspects of divorce often include feelings of anxiety, depression,
guilt, and sometimes, aggression (Simons, Gordon, Conger & Lorenx, 1999).
Additionally, parental divorce often affects the child's sense of emotional well being
and self-esteem.
The treatment of the cognitive, affective and behavioral consequences of divorce at the
community agency can extend across the continuum of primary, secondary and tertiary
intervention (James & Gilliland, 2001). Primary intervention programs typically help
children understand and cope with divorce as a common life crisis. Secondary
intervention programs provide services to children at risk of experiencing the negative
effects of parental divorce. Tertiary intervention programs provide services to children
who currently experience harmful cognitive, affective and behavioral consequences of
parental divorce.
Although counseling services offered in the school recognize ...
http://www.questia.com/googleScholar.qst?docId=5001907970