Self-Esteem Versus Narcissism

The Value of Self-Esteem and the Dangers of Narcissism

Published on June 6, 2012 by Lisa Firestone, Ph.D. in Compassion Matters

As a culture, we are highly concerned with self-esteem. And this is a good thing.
How we feel about ourselves determines how we treat those around us and vice
versa. In 1890, William James identified self-esteem as a fundamental human
need, no less essential for survival than emotions such as anger and fear. And
yet, we often fail to measure the many distinctions between self-esteem and
vanity, or we fail to understand how our actions and reactions can serve to
bolster one as opposed to the other.

Terror management theorist Dr. Sheldon Solomon makes the point that selfesteem is "controversial as some claim that it is vitally important for
psychological and interpersonal well-being, while others insist that self-esteem is
unimportant or is associated with increased violence and social insensitivity." He
goes on to say that "those who claim that high self-esteem is problematic and
associated with increased aggression are either willfully or unwittingly confusing
and [equating] self-esteem with narcissism."
The distinction between self-esteem and narcissism is of great significance on a
personal and societal level. Self-esteem differs from narcissism in that it
represents an attitude built on accomplishments we've mastered, values we've
adhered to, and care we've shown toward others. Narcissism, conversely, is often
based on a fear of failure or weakness, a focus on one's self, an unhealthy drive
to be seen as the best, and a deep-seated insecurity and underlying feeling of
inadequacy. So where do these attitudes come from? And why do we form them?

In our new book, The Self Under Siege, my father, psychologist and author
Robert Firestone, and I write, "Vanity is a fantasized image of the self that is
formed when parents substitute empty praise and a false buildup for the real
love and acknowledgment they have failed to provide to their child." Such
parents leave their children feeling unseen and with a sense of pressure to be
someone they aren't. On the other hand, parents who are attuned to their
children and genuinely responsive to them leave their offspring feeling seen and
validated. These children grow up with an accurate sense of who they are and
healthy self-esteem.

Studies have shown that children offered compliments for skills they haven't
mastered or talents they do not possess are left feeling as if they'd received no
praise at all, often even emptier and less secure. Only children praised for real

accomplishments were able to build self-esteem. The others were left to develop
something far less desirable--narcissism. Unnatural pressure or unearned buildup
can lead to increased insecurities and anxieties that foster narcissism over selfconfidence.

Narcissism encourages envy and hostile rivalries, where self-esteem supports

compassion and cooperation. Narcissism favors dominance, where self-esteem
acknowledges equality. Narcissism involves arrogance, where self-esteem reflects
humility. Narcissism is affronted by criticism, where self-esteem is enhanced by
feedback. Narcissism makes it necessary to pull down others in order to stand
above them. Self-esteem leads to perceiving every human being as a person of
value in a world of meaning.

Society plays a role in fostering self-esteem or narcissism. Dr. Solomon explains,

"self-esteem is ultimately a cultural construction, because the standards of value
by which people judge themselves are derived from adhering to social
standards." These standards can either provide ways for people to feel good
about themselves, or they can promote unrealistic expectations that can only
destroy self-esteem. Solomon comments that in America, a man has to be rich
and successful, and a woman has to be "young and thinner than a piece of
linguini, and that's impossible." He states, "Our kids are taught at a very early
age to adhere to a set of values that is not realistically attainable for the average
individual. And so it shouldn't surprise us that a third of the American population
is depressed and another third is addicted to drugs and alcohol, and the final
third is watching television or shopping at [the super store] for a chain saw or a
lemon."

When Dr. Solomon and his colleagues, Jeff Greenberg and Tom Pyszczynski,
developed Terror Management Theory, one of the questions they asked was:
What is the significance of self-esteem? Their research uncovered important
answers to their question and incidentally underscored the reason why, as
William James noted, "self-esteem is a fundamental human need, essential for
survival." Their findings showed that a powerful and potentially productive shield
against existential anxieties inherent in our human condition is the feeling that
we are each a valuable member of a meaningful universe.

On June 12, I will join Dr. Sheldon Solomon for the CE Webinar, "Self-Esteem: the
Belief that One is a Valuable Contributor to a Meaningful Universe," in which he
will explore how productive and creative efforts to increase self-esteem can be a
healthy response to anxiety aroused by our awareness of our mortality.

Dr. Solomon and his colleagues have posited that existential awareness and the
attempts to avoid death anxiety have contributed significantly to many of the
world's wars and political conflicts. Conversely, both Dr. Solomon and Robert
Firestone argue that when death awareness isn't denied but recognized, it can be
used to promote peace and compassion. The idea that we are all in the same
boat, albeit a sinking boat (as Solomon indicates), promotes a sense of equality
and togetherness. The acknowledgement that our physical selves share the
same fate and that we all have the same fears, can help us to be more
understanding of one another's limitations.
Feeling good about yourself as a person and acceptable for who you are allows
you to move through your life with a sense of purpose, meaning, and value.
Ernest Becker wrote, "the seemingly trite words 'self-esteem' are at the very core
of human adaptation." In order to gain a sense of self, we must perceive
ourselves as valuable members of a society that means something. Giving back,
and offering compassion, aid, and empathy are key to realizing our value. When
we acknowledge that our time on earth is fleeting, we accept the painful reality
that gives each action more weight, each moment more poignancy. It also gives
us a great opportunity to take advantage of the time we have and the people we
share this time with. Thus, building self-esteem is about building beyond
ourselves, a sense of community, camaraderie, and equality among our fellow
human beings