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MARCH 2015 3 . 99
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#303
ASHLEY BENSON
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CONTENTS 03/15
Spoiler
alert!
LOOK AWAY NOW IF YOU
DONT WANT TO KNOW
WHATS IN THE ISSUE
ACCESS
FEATURES
UPGRADE
14 WOULD WIFE
82 COULD YOU
20 SEX, 50 SHADES-STYLE
A shotgun guide to
bondage from Dirty
Sanchezs Matt Pritchard,
before the steamiest lm
of the year gives your
girlfriend some ideas
74 BRITISH FOOTBALLS
IDENTITY CRISIS
We go behind the scenes
of Match Of The Day to
nd out whether the FA
Cup still has a place in
todays footballing world
of billionaire sponsors and
oligarch owners.
Printed in the UK by Southern Print Ltd; distribution by Frontline Ltd (01733 555161). FHM is a registered trademark Bauer Consumer Media Ltd ISSN No 0966-0933. For Him Magazine is published in the UK by FHM International Network, part of Bauer Consumer Media Ltd.
If you have any trouble getting hold of FHM, call our distribution company, Frontline, on 01733 555161. For back issues call 01858 468811. Member of Audit Bureau of Circulation. Nothing in this magazine may be reproduced in whole or part without the written permission of the
publishers. We cannot accept responsibility for unsolicited manuscripts and photographs or for material lost or damaged. FHM has endeavoured to ensure that all information inside this magazine is correct. Prices and details are subject to change. FHM (USPS 021-952) is published
by Bauer Consumer Media, and is distributed in the USA by Pitney Bowes International Mailing Services Inc as mailing agent. Periodicals postage paid at Kearny, NJ, and additional mailing offices. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to PB International Mailing Services Inc.500
US Hwy 46, Clifton, NJ, 07015-9998. FHM is also available in both audio and electronic format from the Talking Newspaper Association for the blind and partially sighted. Call 0870 442 9590.
005
THE TEAM
While enjoying
a well-deserved
after-work drink,
deputy editor Joe
(aged 31) was
cornered by
a couple of
heavies accusing
him of being
underage.
Apparently
Wetherspoons
doesnt accept full,
lustrous beards
as valid ID, so they
chucked him out
on to the streets,
mid-pint. Needless
to say they made
a powerful,
powerful enemy.
WE sTOPPED MOCKINg
THE TUrTLE (FOr NOW)
006
MARCH 2015
WHAt
NADIA
DID
NeXt
From Im A
CelebrIty
to FHm
Cover
stAr
out
5 mArCH
LETTERS
Get in touch!
letters@fhm.com
Text 07801 106410
facebook.com/fhm
@fhm #fhm
@fhmagram #fhm
03/15
Girls on TV
Recently my TV
broke down and,
as FHM is my
go-to place for
entertainment,
I thought I
would make it
the focal point in
my living room.
Now, myself and
my guests can
browse all of the
interesting
topics and pics
your mag has
to offer. Still,
a working TV
would be nice.
Steve Sloan
We would, Steve,
but we cant help
but feel that
this is a vast
improvement on
the majority of
whats on TV at
the moment,
anyway. Nice
metal poodle,
though.
MARCH 2015
Yes man
LETTERS 03/15
For example: say sorry and mean
it, do laundry, dance, buy a great
present, keep nose and ear hair in
check, have a platonic female friend,
lose an argument, unhook a bra,
make smalltalk the list goes on!
Geoff Hughes
To be honest, Geoff, you should have
pinned down a few of those long ago.
Letter
of the
month
A veteran speaks
@fhmagram
Entertainment), next
months letter will win
BIG. The lucky
winner will bag a
copy of the lm
starring Brad Pitt
and Shia LaBeouf as
soldiers on a deadly
mission behind
enemy lines plus
an incredible telly
HOW TO ENTER
letters@fhm.com
facebook.com/fhm
013
MARCH 2015
ITS
GREAT
TO BE
A MAN
EDITED BY CHRIS SAYER
WHO
SHE?
Age: 28
From: Boston, US
Likes: Karate,
football,
quickies
Twitter:
@sattamelissa
Instagram:
@sattamelissa
014
MARCH 2015
Viva
Italia!
Shes the magnicent model with ninjasmooth moves. Melissa Satta will literally
make your groin go all funny
NG HA M
NN I
SI CU
NICOLA FAV
RISH
N/LIC
ARO KE
adies and
gentlemen,
introducing the
worlds greatest
Gumtree advert: Sexy,
single Italian model.
Returning from Boston,
US. Seeks average-looking
male atmate to hang out
with and have regular,
no-strings full sex. No
time-wasters.
Sadly, its not a real
advert, but effectively
the premise of Melissa
Sattas saucy Italian
sitcom in which she plays
the aforementioned dream
housemate. The Comedy
Central series is just one
of the more recent strings
to Sattas ever-growing
bow, which boasts acting,
pro-football, comedy,
gameshow-hosting and
Chuck Norris-approved
karate. Hence the
reference to her being a
ninja, although for legal
reasons we cant imply
that shes actually killed
anyone with bare hands.
She did, however, bag a
gold medal at the Italian
Karate Championships.
Although born in Boston,
US, Satta chopped her way
into the limelight after
moving to Italy to star in
numerous high-end
adverts and glossy fashion
shoots. Since then her
prole has exploded,
meaning youd be just as
likely to see her on Italian
telly screens as you would
tourists making dicks out
of themselves in front of
the Leaning Tower of Pisa.
Like some sort of
Frankensteins Monster of
incredible women, shes as
well known for her acting
and football punditry as
she is her mind-blowing
modelling shoots.
Melissas Comedy Central
(Italy) web series was
essentially a carbon copy
of the Justin Timberlake/
Mila Kunis romp Friends
With Benets, and was
called Amici @ Letto
(which translates as
Friends @ Bed ). Although
her Italian co-star looks
015
I hate
foreplay,
I want
to get
straight
to the
point
5 Italian phrases
to woo Melissa
016
MARCH 2015
Scelgo sempre
abbondante pane
Italiano in Subway.
I always choose hearty
Italian bread in Subway.
Sei un campione
nazionale di karate? La
tua bellezza mi KOd.
Are you a national karaoke
champion? Your beauty
just KOd me.
017
Get inspired
MARCH 2015
019
Get clued up in
the art of bondage
before you other
half reveals her
new toolbox of
sadistic sex toys
Any guesses what last
years most-watched
lm trailer was?
Perhaps the next instalment of
record-breaking sci- classic
Star Wars? Or the reboot of boxofce dinosaur smash Jurassic
Park? Not even close. It was, of
course, the movie thats turning
girls around the world into
sweaty, quivering wrecks: Fifty
Shades Of Grey. Back in July,
it racked up a staggering
36 million hits (roughly the
population of Poland) in just
ve days as bondage-hungry
viewers logged on to catch a
rst look.
The books by EL James,
which have sold more than 100
million copies, brought about the
Fifty Shades Effect. Passages
such as this one about jiggle
balls helped sales of the ancient
Asian sex toy to rocket by
400%: I felt the balls move and
bump against each other inside
me. By the time I was standing
up my breath was coming in
quiet gasps, and my nipples
were hard as pebbles beneath
my dress. So, before its release
on 13 February has everyone
gagging for whips and chains
again, we enlisted Dirty Sanchez
pain junkie Matt Pritchard (who
often pulls sh hooks out of his
own ear) and model Maeve
Madden to get to grips with a
bondage beginner kit, so you
know exactly what to expect
when the lights go down and
the spank paddle comes out
020
MARCH 2015
Hot-as-hell
whipsmacker:
Maeve Madden
DRIPPING
CANDLE
SPANK
PADDLE
BONDAGE TAPE
BONDAGE
FOR
BEGINNERS
The starter kit youll need to get
kinky, as recommended by top
sex-toy site playkinky.com
EASY DOES IT
Fetish Fantasy
bondage tape,
4.99
Black Rose
Kinky Kuffs, 24.99
Spanking the area between the ass and the thigh can
arouse the genitals for both men and women.
Pritchard: Its like a welling pain that sort of throbs, and
my arse is denitely red raw. It makes a hell of a noise, too.
I think shes getting into this.
Maeve: This is my favourite! I love this paddle
I really feel like Im in control, and I like it.
VIXEN VINES
Fetish Fantasy
spreader bar, 24.99
NIPPLEPS
CLAM
Black Rose Forbidden Flower
mouth bit, 19.99
PHOTOGRAPHY: MARCO VITTUR. MODEL: MAEVE MADDEN AT BODY LONDON. HAIR AND MAKE-UP: BOBBI AT LHA
Aqua Rose
massage
candle, 14.99
HARDCORE
Black Rose
Vixen Vines,
49.99
021
024
March 2015
01
02
New tunes
Lost hero
WOLF
ALICE
Sign theyll be massive: Shortlisted for the
BBC Sound of 2015, where they were described
as 90s-esque grunge-pop with scuzzy guitars
and melancholy vocals.
Essential earworm: Moaning Lisa Smile
MARMOZETS
PVRIS
Sign theyll be massive: Even before they
set foot in the UK, the US electro rockers rst
headline shows here in April had sold out within
a matter of weeks.
Essential earworm: White Noise
025
03
Essential albums
Swot up on funk
Better call
Saul or the
Ghostbusters
04
New telly
The Invaders
Spacing Out (1970)
Obscure and cult
Bermudan funk with
killer bass, horny
horns and a delicious
psychedelic frosting.
Wild Cherry
Wild Cherry (1976)
What a cover! Play
That Funky Music
[White Boy] was the
hit, but theres a great
version of the Motown
classic Nowhere To
Run to feast on, too.
The J.B.s
Doing It To Death
(1973)
James Brown, his
backing bands best
line-up, 10-minute
funk workouts, Black
Power, sax and
trombone freakouts.
Funkadelic
Maggot Brain (1971)
Anything touched by
the genius of George
Clinton has the funk,
but this is my fave.
An acid-fried record
thats deeply weird
and deeply funky.
026
MARCH 2015
05
Cyber cinema
06
Food guide
Ex-Machina
Chappie
In cinemas now
In cinemas 6 March
07
New face
Listen to some
spoken word
Poetry is cool. Its ofcial. Ask
Radio 1 tastemakers Zane Lowe,
Annie Mac and Huw Stephens. Then
speak to rap gods Nas and Common.
Even Hollywoods slickest Brit, Idris
Elba, agrees. And its all thanks, in
part, to 24-year-old George The Poet.
With mainstream radio big-ups,
coming fth in the BBCs Sound
Of 2015, support slots with hip-hop
royalty and a collab with Big Driis
himself, going to see spoken word
no longer means youre in a teeny
tent at Glastonbury surrounded by
sandal wearers. In fact, Georges
cutting street poetry (he tours the
UK this month) has blown the lid
off gotta-hear spoken word artists
whove been bubbling under. Check
out Dizraeli And The Small Gods,
Scroobius Pip and FHM s favourite,
Listener, too, then make a playlist
you never thought would ever ll up
your Spotify.
028
MARCH 2015
08
Girl crush
Recently, on one
of FHM s many trips
down an internet
wormhole, we found
a 77-second pilot for
a new American web
series that grabbed
us by the eyeballs.
Its called Zombie
Basement and it sees
two college mates
wait out the undead
apocalypse by making
a genuinely funny
video blog and playing
air hockey in some
Waynes World-meets28 Days Later-style
brain stew. Problem is,
theres damn near no
information on it. But,
it does feature this
girl. This really, really
stunning girl that we
needed to bring to
your attention.
So we did. We called.
We emailed. We prayed.
And eventually, Mikaela
Hoover, the 5ft 1in
LA-living, horror-loving
hotty, answered our
calls: I get mistaken
for Penlope Cruz all
the time, she tells us.
Theres this homeless
guy in Beverly Hills
whos always outside
the place I get my
eyebrows done. Every
time I walk past hell
scream Penlope
Cruz! and people
turn around and take
photos. Every time.
029
Search
high and
low for
Mikaela
Hoover
09
Rad dad
Q &A
Cure a hangover
with Carl Bart
Girls, drugs, tequila: with all these vices literally on Carl Barts
doorstep while making music with his latest band, The Jackals, its
a surprise that The Libertines man got any work done at all
Carl, it sounds like there were quite a few distractions while
recording this new stuff
ha, denitely. Van Nuys in Los angeles is essentially where music
and porn get made. Opposite where we recorded there was this
clinic where porn stars would get checked out. They were tiredlooking and wearing tracksuit bottoms so it wasnt glamorous at
all. actually, one of them did tell me that there was a porn-star
karaoke a mile down the road that they all did, but, er, I didnt really
fancy it. another place, a few doors down, sold medical marijuana
water. It was bottled water that got you high. and also, to get out
of the studio, I had to clamber past a ceiling-high stack of Sparkle
Donkey tequila. We had a few nights on the Sparkle Donkey, sure.
Rock music, booze, weed, girls were guessing if all this
was at the hands of The Libertines 10 years ago, it wouldnt
have been a quite as sober experience?
I guess Ive grown up a little bit. With The Libertines, it was more
about what I was doing when I wasnt recording. Id come to the studio
and they might have said they didnt need me for 12 hours. On this
album, Ive had to be so hands-on that I had to be there for everything.
Even so, we bet youve still got a great hangover cure
Oh man, its the elixir of life: rehydration salts and Berocca washed
down with zzy water, and a massive fry-up with loads of hot sauce.
Doesnt always fucking work though, mind.
030
March 2015
10
12
Scrum down
Awards night
BRITS BINGO
PHARRELL WEARS
SOMETHING
MASSIVE
ZAYN MALIK RESEMBLES
A RESURRECTED
MICHAEL JACKSON
CELEB WIELDING
SELFIE STICK
PALOMA FAITH
LOOKS BONKERS
NATIONAL TREASURE
USED INAPPROPRIATELY
MILEY MOLESTS
AN ALSATIAN
RUSSELL BRAND
POLITICAL
RANT
AWKWARD SILENCE
5 SOS GET IDD
SAM SMITH
LOOKS FORLORN
RONSONS
SHEERAN/SWIFT MARK
WITH
HEAVY PETTING COLLABS
HIMSELF
JASON DERULO SAYS
JASON DERULO
OLLY MURS IN A
ROLL NECK
ED SHEERAN COLLECTS
AWARD JOYLESSLY
SUNGLASSES IN FEBRUARY
HARRY STYLES
MISTAKEN FOR
PROG-ROCK GYPSY
DAVE GROHL
THROWS
DEVIL
HORNS
11
Shoot em up
Kick butt
in 2d again
Forget graphics so perfect you
think youve accidently icked on
Netix. Right now, we cant wait to
get our thumbs into an old-skool,
top-down, two-dimensional neon
splatterfest. Hotline Miami 2: Wrong
Number is the ber-violent nale to
this gory pixelated franchise. Its retro
killing sprees and mid-90s look takes
us back to the days when we booted
up our older brothers Windows 95
to sneak a go on the very rst GTA.
Bluff your
way through
the rugby
The Six Nations is back,
meaning blokes the size
of fridges will soon lob an
ostrich egg about while
trying to knock each others
teeth out. Not up to spec?
Heres a cheat sheet from
England winger-turned-BBC
pundit, Jeremy Guscott
A crazy Frenchman will
outscore everyone
Theres a French
winger whos been
scoring some crackers in
the domestic league over
in France. Great name,
too: Teddy Thomas. Hes
also a bit of a maverick
and got banned from one
match for not turning up
to training on time.
Watch out for
pitch invasions
Back in the day, we
used to get cockerels
coming on to the
pitch in Paris. The
security must be a bit
tougher these days
but, if you do see one,
dont be alarmed.
The French will get feisty
France has a reputation for
being a bit ery and punchy.
Quite temperamental, very
emotional, and if things dont
go their way, sometimes they
express it as they shouldnt.
Placing a bet?
Ireland are odds-on
Ireland are the current
champions, had a very good
autumn series by winning all
their games and, with coach
Joe Schmidt,
theyre singing.
Six Nations xtures
start on 6 February
on BBC
031
IS TORTURE EVER
JUSTIFIED IN WAR?
American and British politicians have spent the last 15 years defending
enhanced interrogation techniques in the War Against Terror. Yet where
there was once certainty, doubt has started to creep in. SAS legend Chris
Ryan gives us his take on whether torture is ever warranted
Imagine this. Youre naked and in a freezing
cold room. You havent been allowed to sleep
for more than 24 hours: a form of torture that
plays with your mind in ways that you would not
believe. Youre forced to remain in stress positions for
hours at a time cross-legged on the oor with your
hands on your head, or standing at an angle against a
032
MARCH 2015
wall with your arms stretched out against it. And its
excruciatingly painful. You want to move your body but
you know that if you do, youll be put back into the
stress position, and you wont have the strength to
ght it. Youre subjected to persistent white noise that
makes you hallucinate. Youre presented with a
confusing round of interrogators: one is very
Fig. 1
Its no coincidence that 24s Jack
Bauer frequently found himself in
situations like this. The
programmes creator, Joel Surnow,
is a self-confessed right-wing nut
job who believed in the use of
torture to prevent terrorism.
Fig. 2
The writer Christopher
Hitchens, who originally
supported the use of
waterboarding to extract
information from terror suspects,
lasted only 11 seconds when
subjected to the procedure himself.
Believe me, he said, its torture.
Fig. 3
In 2014, it transpired the CIA
had paid two experts, James
Mitchell and Bruce Jessen, 52m
to devise advanced interrogation
techniques. The pair turned out to
be conmen with no experience in
counter-terrorism or psychology.
033
Essential tub-time
reading
Cool materials
MAN UP YOUR
BATH TIME
The must-have items that prove
a good soak isnt just for softies
[03]
[05]
[01]
[04]
[02]
[03]
[07]
[08]
[11]
034
march 2015
[12]
[13]
[14]
02 COOL DOWN
Big sesh down the gym? Calm your
bulging guns with a relaxing soak
in thermal salts and silverbirch.
Bracing Silverbirch Thermal Muscle
Soak, 19, moltonbrown.co.uk
03 DIM THE LIGHTS
Scented candles rule. Just ask
The Dude, who soaked like a
boss in a low-lit bathtub in The
Big Lebowski (until getting rudely
interrupted by a waterborn ferret).
Malin + Goetz Dark Rum
and Tobacco candles, 52,
malinandgoetz.eu;
Diptyque Th scented candle,
40, selfridges.com
[06]
04 LATHER UP
After slapping this peppery scent
on our stinking bods like a decadent
drunken duke, the steep price tag
made total sense. Its a luxury were
not sharing with anybody.
Acqua Di Parma, 40,
selfridges.com
[09]
[10]
[15]
05 TURN A PAGE
Youll have plenty of time to ick
through this illustrated comic, giving
you the gist of one of the manliest
ocean-going novels ever, before the
water freezes your precious bits.
20,000 Leagues Under The Sea,
3.99, amazon.co.uk
06 PLAY PREHISTORIC
Whod win a sudsy ght between
your girlfriends grinning yellow
rubber duck, or your bloody
terrifying, esh-tearing T rex
and his nasty pals? Only one
way to nd out
Schleich Dinosaurs, prices vary,
johnlewis.com
07 RAISE YOUR GLASS
An ultra-small batch, made with
traditional infusion methods and
with a stack of awards to its name,
this bathtub GnT will sit very nicely,
thank you.
Bathtub Gin, 34.99, rebox.com
035
01 DRY OFF
Regular readers of FHM will know
we love a Pendleton blanket for the
living room. Now we can bring the
Native American vibes to our
bathrooms, too.
Pendleton Coyoacan towel, 60,
urbanouttters.com
Tell FHM
Charlotte, 20,
Northampton, student
036
MARCH 2015
Lizzie, 22,
London, student
My friends convinced me to go to a
spa resort in Greece. It didnt seem too
great when the bill came, though.
Justin, 40,
Bristol, unspecied
Lindsey, 20,
Northampton, student
037
FHM supports
Macmillans advice
website, The
Source
New style
CAN I ROCK A
ROLL NECK?
ROLLY
HEROES
MARCH 2015
PHOTOGRAPHY: MARCO VITTUR. CENTRE MODEL WEARS A JUMPER, 45.99, ZARA.COM. MODEL: DOMENICO AT MOT
040
MARCH 2015
For starters
BOILING OVER
MARCH 2015
COOKING ON GAS
HESTON UP
YOUR HOME
COOKING
Want to cook like a Franken-chef but
dont have access to a freaky pantry?
Heres seven combos that denitely
shouldnt work, but totally do
French fries and
chocolate milkshake
American fast-food chain
Wendys claims that 47% of
families have plunged their
fry into a frosty, and with salt
and cocoa being a historically
delicious marriage, it just makes
sense, yknow?
Bananas and mayonnaise
Baseball coach for the
Washington Nationals, Matthew
LeCroy, chows down on this
Southern delicacy in sandwich
form before important ball
games. Its his lucky charm.
Scrambled eggs
and maple syrup
Sure, it sounds like a kitchen
accident, but Canadians swear
by it. Drizzle a bit in your egg mix
before cooking to see what the
fuss is about.
Sriracha sauce
and peanut butter
Peanuts and chilli totally makes
sense when youre tucking into
a takeaway noodle dish, so,
of course, a peanut-butter
sandwich with the greatest chilli
sauce on Earth should totally
work too? It bloody well does.
Popcorn and milk
Stick your sugary popcorn
into a bowl, cover with milk and
spoon into your face for a pretty
low-rent but tasty breakfast.
Strawberries and spaghetti
Listen, youre already throwing
fruit into your bolognese with
tomatoes, so why not some
strawberries? Make sure the
sauce is spicy and the sweet
strawbs will complement the
heat good and proper.
Pickle juice and whiskey
A massive hit in the dive bars
of the US, a shot of briny
pickle juice after a whiskey
(also known as a Pickleback)
instantly naturalises the burn of
the booze and, surprisingly, didnt
end in us doing a giant puke.
043
DJ BBQ presents
B LU E S - B E A T I N G
MARCH 2015
THE RECIPE
Preparation time
20 mins
Ingredients
Yellow cornmeal
Plain our
3 tbs sugar
2 tsp baking powder
Sea salt
Ground pepper
4 large eggs, beaten
Whole milk
Vegetable oil
Loads of hot dogs
Frenchs yellow
mustard
01
02
SHOW US YOUR
MANFOOD!
Ranch dressing
and buffalo hot
sauce
03
Barbecue sauce
and maple syrup
American mustard
045
#FHMManFood
[03]
[02]
[01]
[04]
[05]
Port
Dating w er in 36 word
in Londo ay back to the s
n,
17
numbers porters are pok 00s
e
tr
a
d
it
io
three dif
nally ble y little
fe
new and rent types of nding
ale:
we
hit of ch ak. Expect a b old,
ig old
ocolate
and c
with eve
ry mouth offee
ful.
PICK OF THE
PORTERS
Beer pro Sarah Warman
runs through the very
best bottles to reach for
046
01 Beavertown
Smog Rocket
Perfect if youre
keen on a bit of smoke
in your brews but you
dont want anything
too intense.
MARCH 2015
02 Kernel Export
India Porter
An intense option,
mega coffee with
loads of really lovely
sweet caramel and
dark fruity notes.
03 Anspach &
Hobday Stout Porter
At 8.5%, this is a big,
bold, badder bottle. Its
divine, with plenty of
dark chocolate and
coffee in there.
04 Brew By Numbers
03|02 Porter Liberty
A medium-bodied
porter rocking a bright
hoppiness on the nose
and just enough oomph
to not overpower.
05 Anchor Porter
Remember Riesen
chocolates? Same
taste. Chocolate
and coffee make
it the ultimate
American porter.
RON JEREMY
Bloke
02 Who did you last put
your middle nger up to?
Myself. I did a parody of
the Miley Cyrus Wrecking
Ball video and I ended up
looking like a fatso with
an umbilical hernia. So
I gave a big, slamming
middle nger right into
the bathroom mirror.
Bloke
03 Have you ever twerked?
Yes, with a girl I was
dating. I did some good
dancing for the music
video by LMFAO, Sexy
And I Know It, too. Its
sexy when a girl does
that, but when a guy
does it not so much.
Not bloke
04 Whats in your pockets
right now?
A gun, a hatchet no,
Im kidding. I have money,
a harmonica that I have
wherever I go, a condom
in case I get lucky, a tissue
and a cellphone.
Bloke
05 Whats the last lm
that scared you?
The Exorcist, but that
was a while back. Films
048
MARCH 2015
Bloke
06 Have you red a gun?
Yes, with Charlie Sheen.
No joke he has a ring
range in his home. That
was back before Charlie
became a famous actor.
I did pretty good!
Bloke
07 Have you ever cupped
then smelt your own fart?
Never. The whole idea of
farting in a room full of
people is that nobody
takes credit. If youre with
three or more, youre safe.
With two people? No way.
Not bloke
08 What sort of manly
nicknames have you had
in your life?
Ron Jeremy, Hedgehog,
Flaming Arrow, Manatee.
Mainly its Hedgehog or
Manatee. Someone told me
that I should le for tax
exemption because its an
endangered species.
Bloke
09 Have you ever killed
and eaten an animal?
I was on a TV show in
the UK called The Farm
on Channel 5, but I was
a vegetarian while I was
there. I cant play with
an animal, let him lick
me on the face and then
eat him after that.
Not bloke
Bloke
Not bloke
Bloke
12 Have you ever shaved
part of your body other
than your face?
Yeah. I started doing it
and then all the other
guys copied me. Anyone
whos paying attention
to this article: you will
absolutely look bigger if
you shave back the pubes.
Bloke
11/15
Not bad, Ron. Your knack
for pubic manscaping has
put you high up on the
Bloke Test leader board.
Bloke
13 Whos the last girl
you spoke to?
The girl who handed me
this phone. Shes very
pretty by the way, and
now shes blushing. A
way to a mans heart is
through his stomach and
the way to a girls heart is
through some nice music.
Bloke
14 Have you shotgunned
a can of beer?
No, I dont drink beer
and Im not big drinker,
which is funny because
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MATES
FOR LIFE
Spot the
tarantula!
Leaping through the
Brazilian Jungle
Mark on one of
his many runs
I WAS LUCKY
TO HAVE A
GREAT FRIEND
ON HAND TO HELP
ME SUCCEED
I could just focus on what I
needed to do. The race would have
been a miserable experience without
John, but with him there it became
a triumph.
How did you feel after nishing
the race together?
John: When we got to the end of
the race we smiled so much our faces
were aching. But we were soon on
a bus back to civilisation and I was
peeling medical tape off Marks back
again. Some things dont change.
Mark: We have since taken on even
bigger challenges together like the
Yukon Arctic Ultra a 430-mile race
across Canada in minus 50 degree
temperatures. Looking back, that
day in the jungle was denitely the
lowest point Ive ever had in a race,
but I was lucky to have a great mate
there to help me succeed.
Marks
blistered feet
Best Man
Mark
MY FRIENDS MADE
SURE I DIDNT
CHANGE THE PATH
I WAS ON
him. So when Louise needed looking
after, I was more than happy to help
him out while he was in hospital.
Macmillans The Source website
includes stories about how friends
deal with cancer. What tips would
you share from your experience?
James: Just being there is what
matters the most. So many friends
disappeared off the face of the Earth
when I was diagnosed. Marks been
there all the time. I could ring him
up when I was having a bad day or
send him a text message and he
was there to help.
Mark: Hearing advice from other
people with friends who had been
2015
Cool. Its in-demand, hard to dene and sometimes a bit annoying.
But if someones got it, you know about it. FHM surveys the 2015
cultural landscape, calibrates its Cool-O-Meter (not a cool word in
itself) and works out who matters the most right now
ToTal
Geniuses
Multi-talented
individuals who rule
at everything they
turn their hand to.
054
rule
Breakers
Going against
the grain as a
way of life.
MARCH 2015
Bromance
candidaTes
Super nice guys
and girls wed love
to hang with.
skill Wizards
People who are
just really, really
good at their
chosen thing.
scene
seTTers
Trend-creating
pioneers who other
people want to
be around.
WeaThered
The sTorm
The guys and
girls who have
seen it all.
room
BriGhTeners
Individuals who
simply, effortlessly
exude sexy
credibility.
38
Aimee Fuller
36
Age: 23
What do: Pocket-sized
blonde-haired
snowboarder
extraordinaire
She looks like that cute
girl you got drunk with
on your holiday and hits
the slopes like nobody
youve ever got drunk
with ever. This Team GB
snowboarder should
probably be your best
friend. Or our best friend.
Either way, we want her
to teach us her moves.
No.
39
Age: 31
What do: Smart and English rose-y actress
Big doe-eyes and a degree from Oxford everyone
needs a BFF who can better their brain. Apparently
her favourite thing is Scrabble, but dont hold that
against her one of her other fave things is taking
the last train home when everybodys really drunk.
35
B TrAiTs
37
dAn sTevens
Age: 32
What do: Boardtreader turned asskicker
FeliCiTy Jones
33
Age: 28
What do: Kooky DJ
whose SoundCloud is
better than yours
Chle howl
Age: 19
What do: Ballsy,
pixie-cropped singersongwriter
ClArA PAgeT
Age: 26
What do: Angelic (but
cool) model/actress
JAmAl edwArds
mBe
34
Age: 24
What do: Self-made
media turbo-millionaire
No.
32
Joey BAdA$$
Age: 20
What do: Rapper taking over the White House
Hes about to drop a destined-for-huge-things
debut album and earlier this year, a sele emerged
of Malia Obama (the US Presidents daughter)
wearing a shirt emblazoned with Pro Era, Joeys
label and hip-hop collective. Theres no beating that.
055
No.
31
victoria
vergara
Age: 20
What do: Brunette
bombshell and
professional surfer
056
MARCH 2015
28
Cool
thingS on
the UP
PodcAsts
Serial was just the start.
Factual, dare-we-say-it
educational podcasts,
feeding our Brian
Cox-fuelled love of
science and the natural
world, are going from
strength to strength.
Try Stuff You Should
Know and Radiolab
out for starters.
No.
30
dakota JohnSon
Age: 25
What do: Model-turned-actress with a wild streak
Her dad is Don Johnson from Miami Vice and her
mum is Melanie Grifth. Shes playing Anastasia in
Fifty Shades of Grey and (lets be honest) anyone
who can give that shonky book some class is
walking around with stockpiles of awesomeness.
Sarah-Jane
Crawford
27
29
kate Mara
Age: 31
What do: Intenselyintense star of the small
screen
Age: 33
What do: Super-sexy
actress/radio presenter
We rst saw/fell madly
in love with her on
Shipwrecked and since
then shes been all over
the place presenting a
show on 1Xtra, as well
as on BBC Three, E4
and ITV2 to name but a
few. Were trying not to
mention how hard we
want to marry her, but
its not going very well.
Matt healy
Age: 25
What do: Chart-topping
lead singer of indie rock
band The 1975
26
gigi hagid
Age: 19
What do: Total
bombshell model
Some people have way
too much genetic luck,
and, as the new face
of Guess, Gigi falls
squarely into this
category, while also
being sweet. Like, if you
took her home to your
mum, shed probably be
a massive hit (provided
you mum doesnt know
how to do a Google
image search).
hIgh-IntensItY
trAInIng
Spending hours trotting
along on a treadmill
like a disinterested
laboratory test subject
is out. Pushing your
body to its limits for
15 minutes until you
collapse into a pile of
sweat and quivering
muscle is in.
non-sMArt
Phones
When Rihanna was
spotted wielding a
clunky non-smart phone
(aka just a phone) a
few months ago it set
in motion a trend for
mobiles with neither
bells nor whistles. Who
needs apps anyway?
No.
25
Solange knowleS
Age: 28
What do: Spiky alternative to Queen Bey
Beyonc might be your girlfriends idol but her sister
is the innitely cooler, edgier Knowles alternative.
Plus, shes got that constant peril thing going on
will she be a good laugh or will she attack you
brutally in a lift? Thats a joke. Were joking.
057
23 Hailey
Baldwin
21
Age: 18
What do: A Baldwinbrothers daughter who
looks nothing like her
dad, Stephen
OK, so she might be
dating Justin Bieber
but this isnt conrmed.
Either way, shes the
daughter of Stephen (a
good Baldwin) and the
niece of Alec (the best
Baldwin) so deserves to
be on this list purely for
her family credentials.
24
Age: 20
What do: Big-haired, sexy-voiced singer-songwriter
She rst caught our eye/ear as the vocals on
Rudimentals banger Waiting All Night but now
Ella is all famous and cool in her own right. She
also drunk-tweets a lot (by her own admission) and
her voice is as silky-smooth as an aural espresso.
20
dev Hynes
Formerly a member of
Test Icicles, Dev is one
of the most prolic
songwriters in the world
without losing any of his
punk credibility. Hes
written for everyone from
Kylie to Britney while
releasing his own stuff.
Sometimes he makes an
EP in a day and gives it
away for free. Hero.
18
MARCH 2015
alison Brie
Age: 32
What do: Tiny kooky
actress
19 Jennifer
lawrence
Age: 24
What do: Have you
been living in a cave?
The perfect human. She
loves pizza, acts goofy,
is incredibly talented
and wouldnt mind if you
accidentally spilled beer
on her because shes
probably already done
it herself. Oh, and she
goes to house parties in
South London wearing
trackies because she
just dont care.
058
Brent Hinds
Age: 41
What do: Scary, hairy,
stoned metal monster
A giant ginger-bearded
lunatic with more tattoos
than all of One Direction
put together, Hinds
is one-quarter of
Mastodon, the worlds
hairiest metal band.
When not terrifying
audiences, he relaxes
by carving giant fuck-off
Easter Island heads out
of trees and smoking
all the weed on Earth.
ella eyre
Age: 29
What do: Superstar
songwriter and solo
maverick
22
photography: pL haNSEN
No.
annie Mac
Age: 36
What do: Irish DJ and
TV presenter
No.
17
Jess Glynne
Age: 25
What do: Outspoken red-haired singer-songwriter
Her collab with British electronic group Clean
Bandit nabbed the best-selling song of 2014, but
Jess still keeps it real by living with her mum. No
diva behaviour here, which automatically makes
her Very Cool - and that voice. Whoa.
No.
16
BLAKE
ANDERSON
Age: 30
What do: Lion-maned
slacker hero
As one third of
Comedy Centrals
Workaholics, Anderson
went from YouTube
stoner to legitimate
star, and his nonconventional attitude
to hair has made him
the breakout of the
show (that he is
also co-creator and
executive producer of).
Also, check out his
label, Teenage T-Shirts.
059
No.
15
KARLIE
KLOSS
Age: 22
What do: Bambi-like
Victorias Secret model
Best mates (or, dare
we say it, more?) with
Taylor Swift, dont let
her stellar modelling
credentials blind you
into thinking shes
in any way dull
Karlie plans to study
medicine at Harvard.
Which might be a
good idea, because
if you introduced her
to your mates, one
of them is likely to
suffer a ginormous
heart attack.
060
MARCH 2015
BrAnds
To BiG uP
EllEssE
Theres been a surge
of retro old-school
sports brands. Fila,
Kappa, Umbro and best
of all Ellesse. Once
associated with lager
louts and truant school
children, Ellesse today
is aspirational and
totally on-trend.
No.
14
KAT dEnninGs
Age: 28
What do: The sexier half of Two Broke Girls
With curves that could sink a ship (if said ship was
unable to sail in the presence of excellent curves),
Kat treads the line between girl-next-door and
seriously sexy. While also able to play goofy. Which
gets her about 600,000 cool points, in our books.
11
Honor TiTus
Age: Unknown
What do: Vomitstained punk rock
polymath
10 CHris
HArdwiCK
Age: 43
What do: Insanely
prolic media straddler
Chris Hardwick is the
busiest man in the world
hes a writer, comedian,
actor, podcast host, TV
presenter and CEO of
Nerdist Industries but
he always seems to be
having an amazing time.
Hes become internet
royalty, with the Nerdist
podcast expanding into
a media empire.
TEns
Whod have thought
people wanted a pair
of sunnies that make it
look like youre seeing
the world through
Instagram lters?
Entrepreneur Marty
Bell (also the creator
of the FHM-endorsed
Poolside FM), thats
who. And he was right.
PEndlETon
The whole Navajo
Indian, Burning Man
vibe is destined for big
things were told. Its
called global nomad
and brands like
Pendleton, who do
all sorts of stuff from
asks to bed sheets
and blankets, are at
the cutting edge of it.
FrEnds
These things, spotted
dangling around the
necks of numerous
cool-types, might very
well usher in the end
of the Beats By Dre.
Metallic statement
headphones, Frends,
arent really even
advertised anywhere,
but that hasnt stopped
them busting onto
the main stage of
pop culture.
CAlvin KlEin
More proof that the 90s
revival is in full effect.
Calvin Klein is having a
moment, as evinced by
the fact their underwear
is selling like tight-tting
hot cakes. Hard to tell
whether that heavilyphotoshopped Justin
Bieber in a pair of CK
grundies picture helped
or hindered.
13
JME
Age: 29
What do: Grime
impresario and systemfucker
Co-founder of agendasetting grime collective
Boy Better Know, the
man born Jamie
Adenuga brings a
punk-rock DIY attitude to
his career, boasting, No
label, no PR, no manager,
no PA, no publisher, no
stylist. And hes created
a brand of pay-as-you-go
mobile phones
12
iwAn rHEon
Age: 29
What do: Multitalented, hyper-intense
performer
Not a lot of the stars of
Welsh-language soap
opera Pobol y Cwm go
on to international fame,
but Iwan Rheon aint no
normal Welshman. Best
known for his role as
boggle-eyed sadist in
Game Of Thrones, hes
also recorded a pretty
strong debut album
called Dinard.
olly
AlExAndEr
09
Age: 24
What do: Singing
actor, acting singer,
all-round nice dude
Olly Alexanders having
a pretty good year. His
band Years & Years have
been named the BBCs
Sound Of 2015, his
performance in God
Help The Girl (a lm by
Belle & Sebastians
Stuart Murdoch) keeps
winning awards, and hes
mates with Judi Dench.
08
AuBrEy PlAzA
Age: 30
What do: Deadpan,
no-bullshit actress
Look, she just gets it.
Shes cool-as-fuck, has
cynical (yet alluring)
eyes and would
out-sarcasm John
Sarcasm, the inventor
of sarcasm (John isnt
the inventor of sarcasm).
We get the unshakeable
feeling shed be good at
sorting our lives out over
a pint, too.
061
2015
STYLe
TRendS
No.
07
PAtches on
jAckets
Looking like a bloke
at the back of an Iron
Maiden gig is suddenly
desirable. Need proof?
Richard Nicoll, aheadof-the-curve British
menswear designer and
new creative director
at Jack Wills, has made
denim jackets covered
in patches a centre
piece for their new stuff.
donALd GLoveR
Age: 31
What do: Super ambitious multi-media writer
This guy is one of those dudes thats just incredibly
good at everything he turns his hand to. He won an
Emmy for his writing on 30 Rock, starred in four
seasons of sitcom Community and has released three
albums as his hip-hop alter-ego, Childish Gambino.
PeTeR
dInKLAGe
Age: 45
What do: Swordswinging superstar
The Game Of Thrones
cast has 400 people in
it, but none of them is
better Peter Dinklage
as Tyrion Lannister, the
foul-mouthed king of put
downs. The 4ft 5ins actor
turned what could have
been a silly show about
dragons into one of the
greatest programmes in
the history of TV.
03
AnnA KendRICK
Age: 29
What do: Witty
actress/Twitter queen
Anna is funny, and
funny always equals
cool. Her Twitter
highlights include:
Walnuts, you can fuck
off out of my banana
bread and Ugh
NEVER going to a
Ryan Gosling movie in a
theater again. Apparently
masturbating in the back
row is still considered
inappropriate.
062
MARCH 2015
LoRde
05
CHRIS PRATT
Age: 35
What do: Chunkyturned-hunky charisma
machine
At the beginning of last
year, Pratt was best
know as affable lunk
Andy Dwyer on Parks
And Recreation. Then
he reappeared as a
super-ripped leading
man, turning Guardians
Of The Galaxy into the
biggest lm of the year
by kind of being the
most likeable dude ever.
Less beArd
For too long now, cool
has been associated
with men sporting
luxuriant, Rasputin-like
facial foliage. Not any
more. Now blokes are
being encouraged to
take a razor to their
faces (in a nice way) and
set their jawlines free.
LIttLe PonytAILs
Last year was the year
we saw the rise of the
man bun (or mun)
a little dollop of tied-up
hair sat on the top of
a guys head. Well, the
mun has quite literally
slipped to the back of
the head. Expect to see
loads of cool types with
tiny, Steven Segalesque ponytails. Really.
04
06
Age: 18
What do: Surprisingly
mature for her age
singer-songwriter
No.
02
FKA TWIGS
Age: 27
What do: Weird-but-cool singer-songwriter
If youve got a Touch-me-and-Ill-bite-you
expression, you lm stuff for Google Glass while
maintaining your street cred and you write songs on
the melodic side of bonkers then well forgive you
for dating Robert Pattinson.
No.
01
Nick
OffermaN
Age: 44
What do: Axetoting moustached
mans man
The human
embodiment of a
Swiss Army Knife lled
with whisky, Offerman
was a carpenter and
ght choreographer
before getting a role in
Parks And Recreation
as Ron Swanson, a
character largely
based on himself and
the manliest man in
television history.
Still a part-time
boat-builder, his debut
DVD American Ham
includes helpful,
no-nonsense advice
on performing oral sex
with a moustache.
TURN OVER
TO MEET HOLLYWOODS
NEW QUEEN OF COOL
063
March 2015
065
March 2015
ASHLEY BENSON
WHO SHE?
067
ASHLEY BENSON
I o n c e h a d t o e at 1 0 0
slIces of pIzza for a
d o m I n o s c o m m e r c I a l
068
MONTH 2014
069
I was pleased
wIth how the
sex scene
t u r n e d o u t.
It was very
t a s t e f u l
070
March 2015
071
ASHLEY BENSON
QUIckfIre
roUnd
Chocolate
or sweets?
Chocolate
Night in or
night out?
Always night in
Margarita or
Coca-Cola?
Margarita
Beer or
wine?
Wine
Bikini or
one-piece?
Bikini
American
football
or soccer?
American
football. Sorry
iPhone or
Android?
iPhone
Steak or
sushi?
Sushi
Tea or
coffee?
Coffee
Twitter or
Facebook?
Twitter
072
MONTH 2014
Stand-upS at
BreakfaSt
Christian OConnell
LiSten weekdayS
Frank Skinner
LiSten SaturdayS
074
MARCH 2015
Footballs
HEaRt
soUl
075
T o T r u ly u n d e r s Ta n d w h aT T h e F a C u p m e a n s T o
an ex-proFessional FooTballer wiTh Three
w i n n e r s m e d a l s , T r y T e l l i n g h i m T h aT h e o n ly
h a s T w o . i T i s n o l a u g h i n g m aT T e r .
076
MARCH 2015
the fa cup is no
laughing matter inside
the pundits studio
the bbcs puppetmasters
pull the strings in the
production truck
077
Weve had
the odd
blackout
before,
but theres
alWays
a Plan b
MARCH 2015
THE FA CUP:
A GLORIOUS
HISTORY
080
march 2015
1871
The Fa cup is
invented
WImbLEdOnS FAnS
ARE SURE TO bE
dROWnInG THEIR
SORROWS. bUT THE
PLACE IS PUmPInG
1872
The rst Fa cup
nal, at Kennington
Oval in London,
sees Wanderers
triumph 1-0 against
royal Engineers in
front of 2,000
spectators.
1923
The rst nal is held
at the newly built
Wembley Stadium
a match between
Bolton Wanderers
and West ham
United to a crowd
of 20,000 fans.
1926
The nal between
Bolton Wanderers
and manchester
city was the rst of
any tie to go out live
on radio. It was only
relayed to public
halls, however.
1938
The rst Cup nal
is shown in full on
television. The
match, between
Preston North End
and Hudderseld
Town, is broadcast
on the BBC.
1948
Manchester United
won the Cup by
beating top-ight
teams in each round,
including Blackpool
in the nal. They
remain the only club
to achieve this feat.
1953
The highest-scoring
Cup nal in football
history, a match in
which Blackpool
narrowly defeated
Bolton Wanderers
with a barnstorming
nal score of 4-3.
1973
Sunderland upset
rst-division Leeds
United, winning the
nal by 1-0 at
Wembley, becoming
the rst seconddivision team to do
so since West Brom.
2001
As Wembley
Stadium is rebuilt,
the rst FA Cup
nal to be hosted at
Cardiffs Millennium
Stadium ended in
Liverpools 2-1
victory over Arsenal.
2007
The Cup nal
returns to the new
Wembley Stadium
to a crowd of
89,826 supporters.
Chelsea beat
Manchester United,
winning 1-0.
081
Could
you...
Theyre the jobs
we all dream of
having. But how
hard can they
actually be?
082
Could you...
Start
your own
wrestling
federation?
>The glory days of British wrestling are being brought back with
a bang thanks to Garry Vanderhorne, 37, and his unique wrestling
organisation Lucha Britannia, which provides brilliant storytelling
and belly-laugh comedy with hardcore grappling. Heres how he
built it up from nothing
Lucha Britannia is in its eighth year now. I thought, if what
I and other wrestling fans want to see isnt out there, maybe I should
do it myself. How can I make this thing that I love better?
Wrestling is an art form. Its high art as well as being low
art, and it should be treated as such. As performance art, there
is nothing like it. With Lucha Britannia, I combined the powerful
iconography of the Mexican masks with the idea of British comedy,
daredevil skills and high-ying acrobatics.
Great shows think outside the box and are original.
It has to have a twist, a USP. Copying other people wont work.
Thats where a lot of promoters slip up. They copy from a blueprint.
It should be like a comic book come to life. You need to
be able to make the audience laugh one second, then leave their
mouth and eyes wide open the next, with them saying oh my God.
Some wrestlers are really meek and mild, then they
get in the ring and theyre total animals. Others are just
the same out of the ring, they just turn their volume up.
Ive never been in a circus, but from what Ive heard,
what we have is a lot like a circus family. Youre in something
thats quite dangerous, very skilful, like a secret kind of society.
I want people to go into work and say: I saw a monkey
swing through the rafters, drop 20ft down on to a guys
head, then that guy fought a psycho clown. Then a voodoo
witch doctor came in, knocked him out of the ring, and then Freddie
Mercury came in and knocked the witch doctor out with his voice.
Remember its a promotion. Have the machine in place. Its no
good putting the 20 best wrestlers on and just 10 people watch.
Get your artwork sorted and shout about it on social networks.
When moves go wrong, it can really hurt. I once had to
dive from the top rope, but the people I had to dive on were too
far away. Only in mid-air did I realise I wasnt going to reach them.
I ended up shattering my heel, broke my ankle and tore my
Achilles off. I had to be carried to hospital.
The most bizarre sight Ive seen at one of our shows?
Jonathan Ross carrying a barman from the bar into the ring,
then getting involved in a match.
Occasionally well get a drunk punter wanting to join in.
Theyre dealt with. Pro wrestlings not all for show.
First
steps
Step one
People who have a
dance, martial arts or
gymnastics background
can be easier to teach.
Find a good wrestling
school. There are
quite a few reputable
ones up and down
the country. And watch
as many different
styles of wrestling as
you can, from Mexican
to Japanese.
Step two
Study classic British
comedy. Monty Python,
Kenny Everett, Spike
Milligan, Allo Allo!,
It Aint Half Hot Mum,
even The Mighty Boosh
character comedy.
It should give you a
sense of humour and
remind you not to take
yourself too seriously.
Step three
Ask an organisation
for an apprenticeship.
Help out, put out the
chairs, lm it for them,
work for free, nd out
how the show runs.
Learn the business
from the grassroots up.
luchabritannia.com
083
Could you...
Make
a movie?
>If a lm nerd like Quentin Tarantino can go from video-shop clerk to A-list Hollywood director, then surely you can do it too (as long
as youve got oodles of lm knowledge and are up for a lot of hard graft). Kieron Hawkes, 37, director of the 2012 British thriller Piggy,
runs us through what you need to do to try and get your ick made.
Theres no xed route into making lms. I didnt come from
an artistic family or anything. Now you can just go and buy a camera
and start making lms cheap. That option wasnt there when I began.
I went through lm school, and that was a good route because it
plugged me into a network of people who were making lms.
The Nikon and Canon DSLRs are really good. The pro ones
are expensive, but they do cheaper versions for 200 to 300. Get
one and play around with it. If Id had an iPhone when I was younger,
Id have been constantly shooting stuff and cutting it together.
The great thing about software and cheaper equipment
now is that you can make your mistakes in private. At lm
school, you had to make your mistakes in front of loads of people.
Read everything you can about screenwriting. Theres The
Screenwriters Workbook by Syd Field. Ive read all his stuff, and
this is the best. Its practical. It tells you at which point to focus on
First
steps
084
MARCH 2015
Step one
Read as much as
you can about how
to make lms. Theres
a brilliant book about
storytelling called Into
The Woods by John
Yorke. Its great for
construction. Watch
loads of lms too.
Step two
Research the
production companies
that have made lms
you like and approach
them. See if theyll
read something
thats unsolicited.
Could you...
Write a
book?
>David Whitehouse, 33, wrote his awardwinning debut, Bed, in 2012. He didnt have
any experience of writing a book before he
had a crack at it. Reckon theres a novel
trying to escape from you? Here are his tips:
People who want to write almost
get caught up in the preamble. They
become obsessed with the idea that theyll
have to spend thousands of hours in front
of a laptop, and that can give them the yips.
You have to go at it like its a ght.
Beat it into submission. Wade in. Before you
start writing, read a few pages from a book
thats been published and is really good.
Reading is the exercise before the run.
If you write ve good words, thats
a good day. And if you write 3,000 bad
words, thats not necessarily a bad day.
I rent a desk in a very boring grey
ofce, and I keep boring ofce hours.
Its the only way, mentally, that I can make
myself do it. If I believed I could do it sitting
in a coffee shop, then my brain would think
Im on holiday and Id never do anything. I
treat it like a job because I have a huge
capacity for fucking around given the chance.
I wouldnt want to do anything else.
I love it even though its daunting. I expect
its daunting for Stephen King. And hes
written, like, ten thousand books.
Write like youre the only person
whos going to read it. Not what you
think people want to read.
The rst line is what you should
spend the most time on. More than
any other part of the book.
People think publishers and agents
are the enemy. But if youve written a
good book, they want it. Its your job to send
it to them. Waterstones Book of the Year
The Miniaturist was taken from a slush
pile, something randomly sent to an agent.
Dont get angry at rejection. At least
its not happening on telly with Simon Cowell
taking the piss out of you. You get a polite
letter saying its not for them. They dont think
youre a cock it just not for them. The best
book in the world is hated by most people.
First
steps
Step one
Actually write. It may
sound stupid, but
there are thousands
of people out there
who say theyre writing
novels but arent.
Step two
Dont think you need
a fully-formed story
to start writing a book.
You can always nd
your way through as
you go along.
Step three
Think of books you like,
Google which agents
represent the authors,
and send your work out.
I sent my rst 5,000
words to the biggest
agent and they took it.
085
Could you...
Run a
brewery?
>If making your own booze isnt living
the dream, we dont know what is. Neil
Hinchley, 41, was a radio producer before he
decided to make his hobby of home brewing
his job. Since then, hes been instrumental
in launching Crate, a massively successful
brewery, bar and restaurant in East London.
Fundamentally, its one of the
simplest processes. The Sumerians
and the Egyptians were doing it way back
in 5,000 Bc maybe by mistake, but still.
Its just malt, hops, yeast and water, and
variations on that really.
The rst homebrew I did was using
an old cool box Id modied. I stuck
a load of malted barley grain in it and hot
water. That creates the sugars, then you
stick that liquid in a tub with a heating
element like a big kettle, and add hops.
The kits are worth trying, maybe for
the rst time. But once youre serious,
you start doing wholegrain brewing. With
the kits you get a syrup, which means
your beer is half designed by someone
else, but itll still be ne, drinkable beer.
Youll become totally anal about
cleanliness, because after its been
boiled, beer becomes prone to infections.
Youll know when a brew has gone wrong.
Bad beer just happens. It ends up tasting
like vinegar. Or piss.
Take good records of what youve
done along the way. If you dont and
then you make something great or bad
you wont know how to do it again. Slowly,
you work out what works and what doesnt.
Beer is all about sharing. Getting your
friends and family together. I really enjoy
that part of it making beer for parties
and people around my house.
I did my rst brews in our kitchen,
which you couldnt swing a cat in.
It was eight feet by eight feet. You just
need enough space for a 25 litre tub.
You can have good beer that you
can sell at a party within a week
with a pretty low skill level. You dont
need to know about biology or chemistry.
But if you want to start being clever, thats
what takes the hard work.
The best bit about brewing?
Walking into a pub, sitting at the bar and
seeing someone buy your beer and enjoy
it. Thats so pleasing for me.
086
March 2015
First
steps
Step one
You need to have
an appreciation of
beer. But thats the
fun part. Just drink
loads of it different
types and styles and
work out what you
enjoy and what youd
like to produce.
Step two
hang around some
breweries. Were a
friendly, open bunch.
People arent funny
about recipes, its
collaborative. rock up
and talk beer with your
local brewer. Theyll
love to talk to you.
Step three
have a look at the
kits, or decide whether
you want to bosh one
together yourself.
You can buy yourself
a homebrew kit from
upwards of 100.
www.cratebrewery.com
Could you...
Start your
own record
label?
>Jamie Russell and his business partner Alex Jones, 34, launched
dance music label Hypercolour in 2006. After years of hard slog
(and some hard raving), its now thriving, with releases from the
likes of Groove Armada, Laurent Garnier and Maya Jane Coles.
It was all spawned through going to parties. We never
imagined wed be successful. I would account a huge part
of whats happened with the label to going out and getting
smashed, really. We were all inspired on the danceoor.
The most important part of running a label is that you
need to obsess about music. Your obsession will take you out
to gigs and raves where you might meet a band you want to sign
or a producer you want to put out tracks with. It will make you dig
deep for music and expand your tastes.
Im an avid collector of email
addresses. Anyone who emails you who
is music-related, keep their email address
and put it in a list. I still do that now. Soon
enough youll have a database or community
of people to tell about your music.
Invest as much of your free time as
possible into telling the world about
your releases. If you dont shout about
First
steps
Step two
Go online and nd a
distribution company
that already releases
the kind of music you
like, then approach
them with the music
you want to release.
Step three
Find a good PR
company. Its all very
well releasing a record,
but the right people
need to be talking
about it. It wasnt until
our 15th or so release
that we realised that.
087
Could you...
Invent
something
thats life
changing?
>Everyones got an idea for an amazing, revolutionary invention that will land them a vast
sum of money. Kristian Tapaninaho used the crowdsourcing app Kickstarter to fund his
own awesome, portable pizza oven, the Uuni. Its been a massive, bloody success.
It was around 2010 when I started
getting obsessed with making pizza.
The oven in our house wasnt cutting it,
and I wanted to get a big outdoor pizza
oven. But we were renting at the time,
and I didnt want to spend thousands on
an oven we couldnt take with us. I couldnt
believe there wasnt a small wood-red
oven. I thought that if I can make one, there
will be other people looking for one too.
Ive had a lot of fantastic ideas
over the years. But 99.9% of those
have never gone beyond ve minutes
of thinking about them.
I made this prototype a weird
monster of a pizza oven. I built it out
of breeze blocks, all sawn up. But it actually
worked! and it made one of the best pizzas
Ive ever tasted. I got it ring up to 450c,
an incredible amount of heat twice that
of a domestic oven. Thats when I thought
it could be a mass-market product.
I got in touch with a local metal
workshop. They usually make garden
First
steps
088
March 2015
Step one
To make sure your
idea isnt crap, make
a short presentation.
In it, show what the
problem is youre
solving, what the
current competition
is, how much it would
cost and who would
buy it. Then pitch it
to your closest friends
and family.
Step two
Produce a minimum
viable product that
means rene and
consider the core
of the product and
whether it will work.
Look at the original
iPhone no 3G, no
GPS, a measly two
megapixel camera, no
video. It still disrupted
the computing market.
Step three
You need to test and
improve to evaluate
how good the product
is. Does it work? Do
you think someone
would pay money for
it? Then go back and
make it better.
Order yourself one
of Kristians bad boys
at uuni.net
Could you...
How to
harness the
power of
crowdsourcing
Charlie Lyne, 34, got his
brilliant documentary
Beyond Clueless which
is about the recent history
of teen movies funded on
Kickstarter. Heres how he
did it...
I couldnt recommend
crowd-funding highly
enough. Its more or less
the only way you can get
into making a project
yourself straight away. The
best thing about it is that it
can tell you whether youre
making something that
people actually want. It
really reassured us.
We were totally upfront
with people. We werent
afraid to show our passion.
They knew that all the
money would go directly
towards that.
The video is important.
But its probably a lot more
important that people get
an idea of you and why you
want to make this project.
Some of the most effective
Kickstarter projects havent
had the ashiest video.
Theyre just full of passion.
When people start
giving you money, it
just feels so
unbelievable. You cant
believe that people really
have that condence in
what youre trying to do.
Then you realise you have
a massive commitment to
them. Our target was
9,500, and we got to
12,000. We managed to
nish the whole lm with
almost that exact amount.
Its been a complete
dream.
089
GUIDE TO BAKING
Its happened: baking,
long considered the
preserve of depressed
housewives, has nally
been recognised as
manly. Come with
us as we get to grips
with the world of
ery ovens, crunching
crusts and oury
buttocks
With expert
tips from
the Great
British Bake
offs
richard Burr
090
MONTH 2014
IF
BAKING BREAD:
THE BASIC PROCESS
MIXING Combining all your bits
in a bowl. The our, yeast, salt and
butter are going to do some really
awesome things together.
bread to people. Because eating bread, more than any other food,
is a social activity, ingrained in our culture. Its no mistake that we
have so many related expressions in our language it's his bread
and butter, breaking bread and stealing bread from his mouth.
One of the toughest, but most rewarding, elements of being a
baker is getting up before dawn six days a week. There is nothing
more magical than kneading a lump of dough at sunrise, golden
light streaming into your kitchen. Its just you, the bread and the
binmen clattering outside. You feel like youre ahead of the game,
watching the world wake up and begin its day when youre already
halfway through yours.
And that cold beer never tasted better than at 1pm when your
work is nally done. Better still, at that time of day, you can always
get a seat in the pub.
The Dusty Knuckle Bakery is an award-winning social enterprise
in North London that aims to work with youth offenders as well
as the long-term unemployed
Where the
magic happens
SEPARATION ANXIETY
Make sure you keep salt and yeast apart,
says our expert. When mixing your
ingredients together during bread-making,
always add the salt and yeast to opposite
sides of the bowl as the salt can kill the
yeast. Like when you were a kid and poured
salt on a poor slug. It dries it right out.
091
AFTER-OVEN LOVIN
NEED-TO-KNOW KNEADING
Pushing and pulling your dough about is perhaps the manliest part of baking. Youre basically
ghting your food. Dont kid yourself into thinking you can just wing it, though. There is an art to
pummelling your paste. Dont be afraid to knead and knead and knead. Under-kneaded bread is
always horrible, but youre never going to have a problem with over-kneaded bread.
Everyone has their own style of kneading. Im a great believer in punching the heel of my palm
into it and stretching it across the table. I stretch it away with my palm, then fold it in and twist it,
says the Bake Off nalist. To check if your dough is kneaded enough, pull out a piece of dough
between your hands. It should be able to stretch to 20cm without breaking.
The most important thing to remember is to make sure that you stretch your bread and then
fold it over. And stretch it again. As long as youre doing that, whichever direction youre doing it
in, youre good for kneading.
Once you feel like youve nished kneading, just do it for an extra ve minutes to be sure.
It doesnt hurt in fact, it can only help make the bread better and it keeps you t to boot.
THE HOUR IS
FLOUR
OVEN-HOT STYLE
092
MARCH 2015
Stoneground
The fact this stuff
hasnt been ground in
an industrial process
means it hasnt been
exposed to as much
heat. Which is a good
thing, because it means
more of the nutrients
will stay intact.
Spelt
An ancient grain indeed.
Spelt wheat has been
harvested for thousands
of years and is now
enjoying a comeback
thanks to its healthy
properties. The fact it's
got gluten in it means
its great for baking.
Malted
A type of wholegrain
our which is good
for making all kinds of
fancy bread. It comes in
lots of different varieties
get the roasted type,
which is really dark, for
fruity rolls and bagels. If
thats your type of thing.
Buckwheat
This is our milled from
a plant that's similar to
rhubarb and grows in
cold climates. Its got
pointy seeds that look
like cereal grains and
has a sour, nutty taste.
Low-cal and gluten-free,
health freaks love it.
THE
PERFECT
WHITE
LOAF
(IS PRETTY EASY)
This is where it all begins. The crusty cornerstone of your baking empire.
Creating your own humble loaf is an addictive process. Youll be holding
it, warm and fragrant, in your hands, and all youll be able to see is its
minuscule aws, making you desperate to have another go. Because your
next loaf? Thatll be the one.
Richard says: You should never try to rush a loaf; youve got to be nice
to the dough. Take your time. Dont feel obliged to mix anything up with
your ngers either. I see it on TV all the time, people sticking their ngers
in it, getting their ngers all covered in our and water. But as a builder,
Ive always been encouraged to not get my ngers dirty. So I dont. I use a
wooden spoon and, weirdly enough, my bread turns out absolutely great.
GO TO BROWN TOWN
Dont be afraid of browning your loaf. One
thing people are always terried of is a little
bit of colour. They freak out and whip it out
the oven. Dont. You want a lovely, crispy crust.
093
LARD UP
For pork pie pastry, I use hot water crust pastry.
If you do this, make sure you use a mix of butter
and lard, not just butter by itself. Lard gives you
a brilliant texture and structure, and Ive heard its
actually quite good for you. Making the pastry is
a doddle just mix the our and water in a large
bowl and heat the lard with the butter in another.
Then stir it all together."
PORK PIES
WILL MAKE
YOU HAPPY
094
MARCH 2015
How To Bake
by Paul
Hollywood
The big silverback
of the baking world
takes you under his muscular
wing and shares some of his
nely-honed skills.
Being a builder, says Richard. Im pretty much pathologically addicted to doughnuts. Monkey bread
is basically a giant pile of doughnuts stuck together, which you cook in a cake tin.
You make lots and lots of small doughnuts and roll them in cinnamon and sugar so they get
covered and then you bake them. When you eat it, you pull them off in chunks. The cooked sugar
that holds the whole thing together can be pulled apart really easily its so satisfying. You could
pour almost an entire bottle of maple syrup on there too, then serve it with some ice cream.
My main tip would be to make the doughnuts small. If you make them too big, they wont cook
from the inside-out, like theyre supposed to.
THE KIT
Nigella Lawson
measuring jug, 21
Nigella Lawson
measuring spoons,
51/8.50
Bitossi egg
timer, 28
Le Creuset cake tins, 20
John Lewis
rolling pin, 18
Le Creuset
mufn tray, 18
MARCH 2015
SPACE IS
THE PLACE
Always tidy up as you go.
It takes moments to cover
every single inch of your
counter top and theres
nothing worse than taking
something hot out of the
kitchen and having to do
a dance around the hob,
balancing crap on top of
each other, trying to nd
a place to put it.
BASEBALL GAME-STYLE
PRETZELS ARE WITHIN YOUR GRASP
Everyone in the world can agree on pretzels. No one in the history of
time has ever said no pretzels for me, thanks. They have the power to
bring buddies together, reignite romances and perhaps even end wars.
There are two secrets to making a killer pretzel, says Richard. The rst one
is getting loads of brown sugar in your mix to balance out the salt, which youll
use both in the dough and to pour on in the form of lovely rock salt at the end.
The second tip is, once youve made the pretzels and twisted them, which
is pretty easy to gure out, you have to boil them quickly in an alkaline solution.
You need to put maybe three or four tablespoons of bicarbonate of soda in
a pot and quickly ash-boil your pretzels before you cook them. Thats whats
going to give them the brilliant shiny outer edge that everyone loves.
097
S U B S C R I P T I O N S
Like
?
Like saving loads of money?
Then you need to treat
yourself!
12 issues
Fo
22!
For less than 2 per issue, you can get an entire year
of FHM delivered straight to your door and pushed
lovingly through your letter box. So no more trekking
all the way to the newsagents for mind-blowing
reading material.
03/15
Fila was founded
in 1911 in Biella,
Northern Italy
CASUALS
#THROWBACK THURSDAYS
Or any day of the week for that matter. You dont
need a hashtag as an excuse to get yourself kitted out in
retro-inspired sportswear; this is a trend thats going from
strength to strength and one we thoroughly approve of.
Ellesse and Umbro have some new gear out for spring/
summer but were most excited about Scotts exclusive
drop of a fresh Fila collection. The high-street store has
100
MARCH 2015
TIMEPIECES
CALL THE
POLICE
A waxy texture:
classy and
bloody useful
INVEST
ON YOU R B I K E
MA.STRUM is fast becoming the must-have
brand for any discerning bloke. This British
specialist in technical apparel has come up
trumps yet again, but this time with the nations
ever-growing number of cyclists in mind. The
79
UPGRADE
F R A NKS GE T T IN G I T RI G H T
tee and a checked annel shirt. It will give off that
I just threw this on vibe, and still look good even
though you might have spent close to an hour
moving a bit of your hair backwards and forwards
in the mirror. (l-r): Blue telford, 65; brown barts,
59; grey barnet, 75, all frankwrightshoes.com
79
Frank Wright: our go-to brand for quality, Britishmade, smart-casual shoes. Having trouble nailing
that dapper-but-not-too-fussy-footwear-for-work
conundrum? Then Franks canvas brogues are your
answer. For a relaxed night out, try teaming up
low-cut moccasins with light jeans, a white cotton
169
all from
watchshop.com
101
ARE FOR TH
P
E
E
PR
ADVENTURE
FHM treks to the top of the French Alps
to share a day in the life of a guy who
lives, breathes and works skiing
Jonno
Jacobs
102
MARCH 2015
7AM
I start the day with a
black coffee a must
to wake up any man
in the mountains.
103
7.20AM
I pack my backpack with
the essentials I need for my
journey up Mont Blanc, the
most dangerous mountain
in the world.
104
THIS PAGE: BLANKET, 29.99, BERSHKA.COM. COAT, POA, CANADA GOOSE AT FLANNELS.COM. HEADPHONES, 39, URBANEARS.COM. WATCH, 285, LUMINOX AT WATCHSHOP.COM.
KEY RING, 29, SUIGENERIC AT COUVERTUREANDTHEGARBSTORE.COM. HAT, 18, PASSENGER-CLOTHING.COM. SUNGLASSES, 16, CHEAP MONDAY AT URBANOUTFITTERS.COM.
BRACELET, 12, ICON BRAND AT URBANOUTFITTERS.COM. PENKNIFE, 70, VICTORINOX AT BLACKS.CO.UK. CAMERA, 160, FUJIFILM INSTAX MINI AT URBANOUTFITTERS.COM.
BAG, 60, PATAGONIA.COM
MARCH 2015
8.30AM
Then I board the rst train of
the day that takes me from
Chamonixs old train station
to the glaciers of snowy
Mont Blanc.
105
9AM
Once I arrive at the top
of the mountain, Im
ready for some prime ski
time before the slopes
get too overcrowded.
1PM
After four solid hours of
back-country skiing on
my man-made skis, I
weave my way down the
perfect powder to the
village for a bite to eat.
106
MARCH 2015
2PM
Then I head to my
workshop where I
design, hand-make and
paint my wooden skis
before sending them off
to have the nal xtures
added on.
5.30PM
I nally relax and
take a sip of a well
earned beer at Aprs
ski lodge.
107
CAN I ROCK
A TRICKY
TREND?
Theres a ne line between
fearless fashion pioneer and
accidental laughing stock.
Tread carefully with these
hard-to-pull-off looks
CONCENTRATE ON THE
FINER DETAILS
DONT BE A DOUBLE
DENIM DOUGHNUT
SAY NO TO SNAKESKIN
108
MARCH 2015
FASHION
CRIMES
TO AVOID
FOR LIFE
LEATHER SHORTS
Admit it: you cant even read
the words without thinking
of sweaty balls.
CORDUROYS
Do: Swap your everyday jeans for this old-school classic. Wear with an oversized tee, skate shoes and
a beanie, and youve got yourself a winning weekend outt.
Dont: Wear with moccasins, unless youre trying to blag a bus pass or senior discount at the cinema.
RED CORDS, 55, CHEAPMONDAY.COM. BEIGE CORDS, 85, DOCKERS.COM. BLUE CORDS, 55, HOWICK AT HOUSEOFFRASER.CO.UK. GREEN CORDS, 45.50, WEARETUKTUK.COM
SNAPBACKS
Do: Add a 5 panel cap to a smart outt.
Combined with an Oxford button-down shirt
and slim chinos, this is denitely a strong look.
Dont: Wear it resting on the crown of your
noggin. It didnt work for boy bands circa 2010,
so it certainly wont work now.
(L-R CLOCKWISE): 25, 47BRAND.CO.UK; 28, NEWERACAP.CO.UK; 30, KNOWNWORLDWIDE.COM;
16, JAMAL EDWARDS X AMERICAN FRESHMAN AT TOPMAN.COM
ALICE BANDS
David Beckham
couldnt pull
these off, so
neither can you.
No matter how
long and in-youreyes your hair is.
DROP-CROTCH
TROUSERS
If you can t a small
dog in your gusset
with ease, your
trousers are too
baggy goddamn it.
WOMENS
PANTIES
OK, if you must.
Just dont let
the little bow
ride above
your jeans
like last time.
JEWELLERY
Do: Venture outside your comfort zone with a signet ring. If it was good enough for Frank Sinatra, its
good enough for you. Team it with a at cap and braces, Peaky Blinders-style, if youve got serious balls.
Dont: Go over the top with the chains. Layering a few thick necklaces like Johnny Depp looks OK,
but go easy with the pirate memorabilia.
DISNEY FROZEN
T-SHIRT
You might be a fan
of the lm, but
no man ever
needs to be
complimented
on their style
choice by a
9-year-old girl.
(L-R): BRASS BRACELET, 8.50, TOPMAN.COM. SILVER BRACELET, 6, RIVERISLAND.COM. SILVER CHAIN, 10, CHEAP MONDAY AT URBANOUTFITTERS.COM. GOLD PENDANT, 10, TOPMAN.COM. SIGNET RINGS (L-R CLOCKWISE):
8, ASOS.COM; 10, ASOS.COM, 100, SERGEDENIMES.COM; 5, RIVERISLAND.COM. SILVER PENDANT, 150, SERGEDENIMES.COM. BRACELETS, 85 EACH, CHLOBO.CO.UK
109
CARDIGANS
Do: Slip a stylish cardie over a plain white tee
or polo shirt. This sharp mod look is one that
nobody is going to object to.
Dont: Wear it with a white shirt and black tie.
You are not some cheesy American dad. (If you
are, apologies. Keep rocking that look.)
RATS TAIL
Conjures up
images of
dodgy car dealers,
sewer dwelling
rodents and
worse still:
Ewan
McGregor
in Star
Wars: Episode 1.
135 aspinaloondon.com
PRODUCT
MONEY ON
MY MIND
17 riverisland.com
7.99 newlook.com
75 simoncarter.net
29.95 scotch-soda.com
JU DS
THREA
12 topman.com
110
MARCH 2015
30 bensherman.com
OR
BESTNFGLE
179 paulsmith.co.uk
12 burton.co.uk
OR
BEST PFLE
SIM E
STYL
35 Herschel at lombres.com
OR
BEST ILFD
WHAT THE
STUFF IN YOUR
WALLET SAYS
ABOUT YOU
AMEX BLACK
CARD
You cant buy
happiness but
you can buy a
60ft yacht.
50 NOTE
Either youre
a builder or a
drug dealer (or
possibly both).
CROOKED DICE
Unbeaten Snakes
& Ladders champ,
in four cities.
TREASURE MAP
Youll never stop
believing
W S
NIGHT
OUT
A SPARE
BUTTON
Youre prepared for
anything, as long as
its button related.
53 Porter at oki-ni.com
NANDOS BLACK
CARD
You sneeze Peri
Peri, and poop
frozen yogurt.
YOUR PIN
NUMBER ON
A SCRAP OF
PAPER
Youre what
muggers refer
to as a jackpot.
FRUITY
FOREIGN
MONEY
You cant quite let
your gap year go.
NECTAR CARD
Youre only 350
big shops away
from a Pizza
Express voucher.
CONDOM
Your player
credentials are
somewhat damaged
by the fact its gone
past its sell-by date.
111
65 tedbaker.com
TRAINERS
67
LACOSTE.COM
85
NEW BALANCE
AT SCHUH.CO.UK
SMATRET
DA S
KICK
89
SAUCONY
ORIGINALS AT
ENDCLOTHING.CO.UK
55
VANS.COM
112
MARCH 2015
R
DAPUPBE
P S
CREP
70
LECOQSPORTIF.COM
75
LUKE1977.COM
SNOW
HING
PLOUEGAKS
N
S
104.99
NIKE AT JDSPORTS.COM
64.50
ONITSUKA TIGER AT
WORKINGCLASSHEROES.CO.UK
290
RAF SIMONS
X ADIDAS AT
HERVIA.COM
113
GROOMING
[01]
[03]
MARCH 2015
[04]
CREDIT CREDIT
PRomoTIon
115
WIN AT LIFE
EDITED BY
JORDAN WALLER
116
MARCH 2015
: Spa days
PRO
TIPS
117
ELLIOT DALY
Team: Wasps
RFC and
England Saxons
Position:
Outside centre
Age: 22
: Spa days
GET
SMOOTH
TOM LINDSAY
Team: Wasps RFC
Position: Hooker
Age: 27
PLAYERS CONFESSION:
I use an exfoliator and my girlfriend does
my nails for me sometimes, but I just sort
of sit there, watch TV and let her do it.
When I was younger though, my mum had
a beautician who would come round and
I got talked into giving waxing a try. I think
most guys do it more than you realise.
DITCH
DIRTY
HANDS
SAM JONES
Team: Wasps
RFC and the
Barbarians
Position:
Back row
Age: 23
PLAYERS CONFESSION:
I don't have a specic routine. I sometimes
moisturise but that's about it. My girlfriend
tries to get me to do other things but I
never really stick with anything. Its not
that I have a problem with spas going to
one as a couple is ne but you wouldn't
go as a group of lads. It's just not really
the archetypal boys day out is it? Plus
it's expensive, which would put me off.
PRO
TIPS
118
MARCH 2015
THE
FINAL
SAY
Stylist and writer
Becky Tanner-Rolf
tells you what
women really think
of your rough and
ready look
The scene is set:
the scented candles
are lit, its super
romantic, were
kissing but what
sweet hell is this?
Something that
could be mistaken
for an industrial
sander is making
its way up my thigh.
If youre not the
adventurer Indiana
Jones, then there is
no excuse for those
calloused palms.
We ladies often
say we like guys
rough and ready.
Ill let you in on a
secret: we just mean
ready. I dont want to
be waiting an hour
for the bathroom,
but equally I dont
want to share a bed
with the Gruffalo. Im
not saying I want my
local spa invaded
by permatanned
metrosexuals, but
if Im going to spend
15 minutes in agony
to avoid the 70s
muff, the least you
can do is lose the
Ron Jeremy ball fro.
Ill be honest: if
youre late for a
date because your
mani-pedi ran over, I
will call you princess
for the rest of the
night. But in the long
run, Id rather have
a freshly groomed,
super-soft gent
than a hairy lad.
PRO
TIPS
1. Exhale just before each strip is
ripped from your bare esh to
make the pain slightly more bearable.
119
: Adventures
Survive a
great American
whiskey trail
From Kentucky to
Chicago, FHMs Chris
Sayer tries to last a
spirit-fuelled pilgrimage
to Americas nest
drinking holes
MONTH 2014
Know
before
you go
Travel
British Airways offers
return ights to
Chicago OHare from
516 return. Internal
ights to Lexington
Blue Grass cost
around 259 return.
Stay
FHM stayed at the
Hyatt Regency
Lexington and the
Hyatt Regency
Chicago. Expect to
pay $144 (about
95) a night when
booked in advance.
Drink
Grab a beer for
roughly $3.50
(around 2.30), but
dont forget to tip.
How
to drink
bourbon
differently
Shun the cola
and expand
your whiskey
horizons with
these mixers
Ginger ale
A signature drink
of pre-Prohibition
America, the ginger
avour makes a
perfect partner for
your bourbons
sweet spices.
Green tea
Yup, sounds funky,
but since Japans
Yamazaki distillery
won a worlds best
whisky award in
2014, who are we
to argue with this
Asian favourite?
Organise a piss-up in
a craft brewery
Drink this: Goose Island 312
Urban Wheat Ale
Thankfully, Lexingtons airport
is slap-bang next to Keeneland
Racecourse. So after stumbling
through security and on to our
ight to Chicago, theres plenty
of time to round things off with
a trip to the citys best craft
brewery: Goose Island.
Coconut water
The Brazilians are
all over whiskey
and coconut water,
creating a hug-ina-glass roasted
coconut taste.
121
: Tested
03
05
01
02
04
122
MARCH 2015
Which supermarket
wine is the best bang
for your buck?
We enlist the rened taste buds of wine expert and Vinoa CEO Cyrus
Tchahardehi to nd which off-the-shelf vinos have top-dollar taste
01
Sainsburys
House
Merlot
Sainsburys
4.50
The smell
The taste
The verdict
02
M Signature Vina
Eneldo Rioja
Reserva
Morrisons
5.99
PHOTOGRAPHY: CONOR SHEEHAN. GET YOUR OWN WINE TASTING EXPERIENCE AT VINOA.CO.UK. THANKS TO THE LEXINGTON INN
Marks &
Spencer
8.49
Lidl
4.99
04
Ctes de
Rhne
05
Asda Wine
Selection Chilean
Merlot,
Asda
4.50
03
Gold Label
Merlot
Very pleasing. Id
recommend this to a friend
as its heads and shoulders
above the rest. The length
on the palate suggests
that its of great quality.
Its explosive.
Price guess: 7.99
123
: Expert
Sleep
like a log
Spend less time locked in mortal
combat with your pillow and
more of it in snooze town
Professor Adrian
J Williams is a
founding member
of The British
Sleep Foundation
and a consultant
at The London
Sleep Centre, Harley Street.
He has been studying sleep for
more than 40 years and literally
knows more about dozing than
you could ever dream of
YOURE PROBABLY
AN INSOMNIAC
If youre having
trouble falling asleep,
staying asleep or
waking up and still
feeling tired, then
thats insomnia.
Obviously its quite
subjective, but if this
is happening four or
more nights a week,
then you could be an
insomniac. Around
one in 10 people
suffer from the
condition and might
not even realise. Bad
sleep leaves you
feeling fatigued and
can affect cognition
throughout the day.
THERES NO
MAGIC NUMBER
Its a myth that
everybody should
have nine hours of
sleep every night.
The truth is that thats
an average across
society: 50% of
people may need
more and 50% of
people may need less.
So the actual range
is between four and
10 hours, depending
on the person. If you
feel great after just
four hours sleep, then
thats probably all that
you need
124
MARCH 2015
04
03
Be a genius:
sleep like
one of the
greats
EXERCISE WONT
WIPE YOU OUT
07
Winston Churchill
Britains war-winning PM
hit the hay at 5pm every
day for a two-hour nap,
claiming it allowed him
to get 1.5 days work
done in just 24 hours.
SLEEP WHEN
YOURE TIRED
Obviously its not
always realistic, but
you should only go to
bed when youre tired
and make sure that
you wake at a regular
time. Most insomniacs
spend too much time
in bed: they try to
sleep when theyre not
tired and just end up
lying there. Go to bed
when youre sleepy. If
youre awake tossing
and turning, you
shouldnt be in bed.
Get up and be
productive.
Salvador Dal
The artist encouraged
sleep-deprived creativity
by snoozing with a heavy
metal key in his hand,
which when dropped,
would wake him up.
Lamp, 117.50,
ARIAShop.co.uk
Get yourself a
comfy pillow to catch
those 40 winks
(ARIAShop.co.uk)
Charles Dickens
This author carried a
compass to ensure he
both wrote and slept
while facing north.
It didnt cure his
insomnia though
*FHM takes no
responsibility for injuries
125
Leonardo da Vinci
Artist, scientist and
inventor da Vinci
maintained his
productivity by sleeping
for 20 minutes every
four hours.
: Drive
The real
thing
02
01
01
02
GET A GRIP
The integrated rear
spoiler will help keep
your arse on the road.
GET COMFY
Inside is just as luxe
as a standard 370Z.
No roll cage here!
MARCH 2015
03
LOOK FANCY
Coloured exterior
scoops deliver a real
racecar look.
04
POWER: 339bhp
0-62MPH: 5.2sec
TOP SPEED: 155mph
AVERAGE ECONOMY:
26.6mpg
PICK OF
THE Zs
The Nissan Z-car range is an
iconic line of everyman sports
cars. Heres a few of the FHM
favourites worth checking out
04
300ZX Z32
(Aim to pay: 3,500)
A beautiful sports car from
1989. It was so luxe it felt like
a GT. Lots have been modded
these days, but you can pick
one up for peanuts and itll be
tons of V6 fun.
03
127
: Girlfriend
Girlfriend
Caly
All this rugby-loving, whiskydrinking, steak-eating South
African lady wants is a real
old-school gentleman
Jay Mawson
Rich Innes
128
MARCH 2015
Occupation: Model
From: South Africa
Age: 21
Twitter: @CarlyLottering
Likes: Peanut butter and Nutella mixed
together on toast, Johnnie Walker whisky,
South African rugby player Pierre Spies
I wore my
ex-boyfriends
rugby jersey
and did a lap
dance for him
hungry, just thinking about it.
Everyone looks at me and thinks
I dont eat but I really do. I stay
healthy but I guess Im just lucky,
too. I have chocolate and coffee
before I go to sleep every night.
I cant sleep without a coffee.
Eh? But coffee is meant to wake
you up, isnt it?
I think thats shit, it makes me
tired. I just had one and Im sleepy
now. But generally, if you want to
impress me, take me to a buffet and
just feed me. And give me whisky
thats my drink. Johnnie Walker
Black Label please!
So, the perfect date is watching
rugby, drinking whisky, and then
a dinner of steak and chips?
Do all that and Ill be the happiest
girl ever. Although that plan makes
me sound like a guy, doesnt it?
130
MARCH 2015
Quick-re
round
hair & make-up: nat schmitt. styling: vicki hillman. lingerie by mimi holliday
Boobs or bum?
Bum. Boobs are
overrated
Quavers or
cucumbers?
Cucumbers
Sofa or gym?
Sofa
Heels or
trainers?
Heels
Shorts or
skirts?
Shorts
Instagram or
Twitter?
Instagram
Bikini or
beanie?
Bikini
Invisibility or
ability to y?
Invisibility
Dogs or cats?
Cats
McDonalds or
Burger King?
Burger King
Beach or pool?
Pool
Bearded or
clean shaven?
Clean shaven
Want to be an
FHM Girlfriend?
Go to fhm.com/
girlfriend to apply
131
Italian leather
Sapphire glass
150
Diamond
like carbon
G r e y h o u r s i s t h e r e s u l t o f t h o u g h t s a r o u n d t h e w a t c h m a k i n g i n d u s t r y.
T h e b r a n d a s p i r e s t o c r e a t e a f f o r d a b l e a n d u n i q u e t i m e p i e c e s m a d e o f e xc l u s i v e m a t e r i a l s
solely used by high-end watchmakers.
O N L I N E O N LY
FOURDOTDESIGNERPLATES.CO.UK
from
75
per
pair
Marketplace
www.watches.co.uk
where time meets passion
by appointment only:
79
Eternity
Trio Necklace
Available in Gold Plated
or Sterling Silver
99
True
story:
This was
the kind of
mission most
folks can only
experience in
a video game
or a cinema
march 2015
p r e pa r i n g f o r
action in iraq
What
happened
next?
01 John McPhee was awarded
his second Bronze Star for
valour for combat operations
in Afghanistan.
02 A month after the mission
that killed Osama Bin Laden,
McPhee retired from the army
as a sergeant major.
03 Combat-grizzled with years
of rst-hand experience, he is
now one of the worlds premier
shooting instructors. He now
trains civilians, law enforcers
and tactical SWAT teams in
special operations tactics and
shooting skills.
Details on John McPhees
training courses can be found
at sobtactical.com
137
06
10
05
Crap impersonations
Accurate celebrity impressions are good,
but for gut-busting funniness you cant
beat one thats so wide of the mark that
its utterly ridiculous. Like how your Uncle
Rons impression of Cheryl Cole always
comes out as an elderly Jamaican lady
with a bad concussion. So awesome.
09
08
MARCH 2015
07
Flatulence
Farts so obviously belong
on this list but there
are a few variables that
determine the hilarity of
any given air-biscuit. For
example: a babys fart is
hilarious, but an 80-yearolds? Not so much. A
stranger farting at the
next urinal is funny; a
stranger farting in the
next toilet stall is just
gross. And a noisy fart
is funnier than a stinky
fart unless you are the
architect of the latter,
youre within an enclosed
space with your friends,
and theres no escape.
04
unleashed on everyone
in the vicinity. Secondly,
the childs parent wishes
the ground would open up
and swallow them whole.
03
02
Someone elses
catastrophic hangover
Your own hangovers
are no laughing matter:
your brain hurts, youre
consumed by a nameless
dread, and everything is
wretched. But if youre
hangover-free and your
mate is in absolute bits,
their pitiful sighings,
twitchings and almostvomitings will keep
you tickled pink all day.
01
Unfortunate names
The following are all
100% genuine names,
currently belonging to
actual human beings
that roam the earth: Mike
Litoris. BJ Cobbledick.
Dick Smalley. Flavour
Balls. Phat Ho. Dick Dong
Wang. Harold A Ballitch.
We could go on, but by
now youre either snorking
like an idiot (in which
case, well done, you are
alive) or youve remained
resolutely stone-faced
(in which case, a bit
of bad news: you
See
are dead).
you next
month...