Undercover atheists

Seduced by science and rationalism, yet tied to their

families and communities, Hasidic atheists opt for a
double life
by Batya Ungar-Sargon 4,200 words

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Hasidic Jews in Brooklyn, New York. Photo by Michael Christopher

Brown/Magnum
Batya Ungar-Sargon is a freelance writer whose work has appeared inCity
Limits and The New Republic, among others. She lives in Brooklyn, New York
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http://aeon.co/magazine/culture/the-double-life-of-hasidic-atheists/

The moment Solomon lost his faith, he was standing on the D train, swaying
back and forth with its movement as if in prayer. But it wasnt a prayer book
that the young law student was reading he had already been to synagogue,
where he had wrapped himself in the leather thongs that bound him to
Orthodox Judaism, laying phylacteries and reciting the prayers three times
daily.
The tome in his hands now was Alan Dershowitzs The Genesis of
Justice (2000), which used Talmudic and Hasidic interpretations of the Bible
to argue that stories in the book of Genesis, from Adam and Eve eating the
apple to Noah and his ark, constituted Gods learning curve a means of
establishing a moral code and the rules of justice that prevail today.

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What struck him about the book was its depth, and a complexity of thought
that he had been raised to believe was the exclusive domain of the rabbis
whose authority commanded his community of ultra-Orthodox Jews. The
books brilliance, coupled with its unabashed heresy, created the first of
many cracks in Solomons faith. Seeing the scriptures interpreted in methods

so compelling and yet entirely inconsistent with the dogmas of his youth
caused Solomon to question everything he believed to be true.

From Dershowitz, Solomon moved on to evolutionary biology, and then to

Stephen Hawking and cosmology, and then biblical criticism, until finally, he
was unable to deny the conclusion his newly developed capacity for critical
thinking had led him to: he no longer believed in the existence of God.
It was the most devastating moment of my life, he told me. I wish to this
day that I could find the holy grail that proves that Im wrong, that its all
true.
And yet 15 years later, Solomons life looks exactly the way it did the day of
that fateful train ride, give or take a few infractions. Solomon is still leading
the life of an Orthodox Jew. He is married to an Orthodox Jew. His children
are Orthodox Jews who go to study the Torah at yeshiva. His parents are
ultra-Orthodox Jews. And so, with his new-found atheism, Solomon did
nothing.
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olomon is one of hundreds, perhaps thousands, of men and women

whose encounters with evolution, science, new atheism and biblical criticism

have led them to the conclusion that there is no God, and yet whose social,
economic and familial connections to the ultra-Orthodox and Hasidic
communities prevent them from giving up the rituals of faith. Those I spoke
to could not bring themselves to upend their families and their childrens
lives. With too much integrity to believe, they also have too much to leave
behind, and so they remain closeted atheists within ultra-Orthodox
communities. Names and some places have been changed every person
spoke to me for this story on condition of anonymity. Part of a secret,
underground intellectual elite, these people live in fear of being discovered
and penalised by an increasingly insular society.

Religious fundamentalists want to have a monopoly on

truth, a monopoly on morality, but the internet undermines
those facades
But they are also proof of the increasing challenges fundamentalist religious
groups face in the age of the internet and a globalised world. With so much
information so readily available, such groups can no longer rely on physical
and intellectual isolation to maintain their boundaries. In addition to exposing
religious adherents to information that challenges the hegemony of their
belief systems, the internet gives individuals living in restrictive
environments an alternative community.
It helps people find others in the same boat, said Phil Zuckerman, a
professor of sociology at Pitzer College in California who studies apostates
and secularism. Twenty, thirty years ago, if you were living in Borough
Park, Brooklyn, or Alabama and you were surrounded by Hasids or
Pentecostal Christians and you started to have doubts, well, you were alone.
Now, you can find someone right away who is in the same boat as you and is
also sharing your doubts. You can find community, you can find a connection
that bolsters your own situation and gives you support intellectual and

emotional. Religious fundamentalists want to have a monopoly on truth, a

monopoly on lifestyle, a monopoly on morality, a monopoly on authority, but
the internet undermines all those facades.

anky cut an incongruous figure. A tall ultra-Orthodox man with

a short, scruffy beard and short side-locks wrapped behind his ears, wearing
traditional Hasidic black-and-white garb, he was sitting on a barstool in an
out-of-the-way dive bar in South Brooklyn on a Monday afternoon, sipping a
Corona. But Yanky is an incongruous man. Like Solomon, he lives in an
Orthodox neighbourhood, has many children who attend yeshivas, goes to
synagogue to pray, hosts meals on Sabbath. His life, like the life of any
Orthodox Jew, is punctuated a hundred times a day by the small demands the
religion makes on its adherents lifestyle, demands on what they can eat,
what they can wear, where they can go, what they can read, whom they can
speak to, what they can touch, when they can touch it, and how often.
Somewhat tragically for a person so occupied, Yanky doesnt believe in God.
Things didnt start out that way. Yanky, who has a gentle, defeated air about
him, and a shy, cynical sense of humour, was among the most fervent
scholars of his cohort. Its hard to describe how earnest a person I was
before, he told me. He had spent many years studying the Torah in the most
prestigious yeshivas. I had really suffered to be there, he said, by way of
explaining how much it had meant to him and how deeply invested in the

holy texts he once was. He even worked as a rabbi on the side, answering
questions pertaining to religious law for lay people in his community.

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But Yanky had always had philosophical questions, even as a child. At some
point, all of the questions added up, coming to a head when his rabbi asked
him to study with a man who had recently become observant. This newly
religious man needed a study partner to take him through the religious
answers to scientific questions. While able to answer the mans religious
queries, the partnership forced Yanky to think deeply about the issues he had
been avoiding, such as the conflicts between the Bibles claims and those
made by science. He tried to put an end to their study sessions, but his rabbi
was confident in his ability to stay the course. No, no, itll be fine, itll be
fine, Yanky remembers his rabbi telling him.
It wasnt fine.
Thats when his newly observant study partner took Yanky to a presentation
by the British scientist and New Atheist Richard Dawkins, author of The God
Delusion (2006). It wasnt so much that Dawkins was so convincing, or
interesting even, Yanky told me between short sips of beer. It was just, I
was sitting there with this whole group of people who were having this one
viewpoint. He experienced for the first time what religion looked like from

the outside, a series of often ridiculous and always questionable ideas

shattering its absolute hold on his psyche.

And something else crystalised at that Dawkins talk: Yanky had at that point
hundreds of questions which no one had ever been able to answer to his
satisfaction, ranging from scientific questions about the veracity of the Old
Testaments narrative (woman very clearly wasnt taken from man; ancient
humans were not vegetarians, he elaborated) to questions concerning the
claims made in the Talmud (the laws of cooking on Shabbos and kosher
cooking laws dont match up with thermodynamics; bugs dont
spontaneously generate from plants). It felt like there was a separate,
unsatisfying answer for every burning question. And as Dawkins spoke,
Yanky realised that there was one answer that took care of all of his
questions God did not write the Torah because He does not exist. So that
was basically it for me, he said.

He was an atheist forced to stay under wraps lest his boss

fire him, his wife divorce him, and his children get thrown
out of school
Yanky was devastated by his realisation that there is no God. It was very
upsetting, he said, talking quickly. I remember laying in bed and feeling
like the world had come to an end. It wasnt a relief. It was very painful.

He was so upset that his first move after this realisation was to search out the
smartest and most learned rabbis, hoping that they would have answers for
him and be able to convince him that he was wrong that there is a God, that
the Torah is true. He wrote anonymous letters to a few respected rabbis, and
posted them snail-mail (though this was 2000, he had little to no contact with

the internet, as the most pious Jews dont). The letters contained his
questions, mostly culled from the contradictions between the first chapters of
the Old Testament and evolutionary theory: evolution suggests that snakes,
descended from lizards, lost their legs long before humans evolved but
Genesis states that they lost them after an encounter with man. The Adam
and Eve story suggests that humans were created instantaneously, in a single
day a mere 6,000 years ago yet science reveals the slow evolution of human
life on Earth, describing the gradual rise of our hominid predecessors over
many millions of years.

The explanations he got from rabbinic scholars were weak and obscure. One
rabbi sent him a bizarre note, including a story about sitting in a boat, an
elaborate allegory intending to describe how we only coast along over the
deep waters of the Torah, Yanky recalled. It was cool, but it didnt help me.
Thanks Rabbi. With nowhere left to turn, he was finally forced to admit
what he was: an atheist leading a double life, forced to stay under wraps lest
his boss fire him, his wife divorce him, and his children get thrown out of
school.

hey call themselves Orthoprax those of correct practice to

distinguish themselves from the Orthodox those of correct belief. Every

time I met one, they would introduce me to a few of their friends, though
many refused to speak for fear of being discovered. There are far fewer
women in this situation than men, and the women were even harder to draw

out. They risk losing their children, especially in New York State, where
custody is often given to the more religious parent.
Yet things have changed: once so isolated in their atheism, double-lifers
passing for Orthodox, ultra-Orthodox and Yeshivish (known for devouring
the Talmud) all gather online in chat rooms. I met undercover atheists from
many different Hasidic sects Satmar, Skver, Bobov where the focus is
mystical. They live in Williamsburg, Long Island, New Skver, Jerusalem.
Wherever there is an insular Jewish enclave, there are individuals who have
come to the conclusion that God does not exist, and yet they maintain their
religious cover for social, familial and economic reasons. Many are wellestablished in their communities, even leaders. Many are financially
successful, family men and women, moral people. I am your neighbour with
kids in your childrens class, wrote one undercover atheist anonymously on
a blog. I am one of the weekly sponsors of the Kiddush club I was your
counselor in camp I do not believe in God.

The Orthodox community has grown exponentially in the past 50 years.

Ultra-Orthodox and Hasidic enclaves such as Lakewood in New Jersey and
Kiryas Joel in Upstate New York have the lowest median ages in the entire
United States due to their high birthrate. It is normal for families to have
anywhere from five to 12 children.

Were talking about a ghetto thats locked from the inside

These communities are organised around religion, explains Samuel Heilman,
a sociologist at Queens College in New York, who studies
contemporary Orthodox Jewish movements. As the population has expanded,
so have attempts to keep members in line. But it has been a losing battle,
overall. As a sociological principle, one size can never fit all, he told me,
and the larger the community, the more difficult it is to control.

That hasnt stopped efforts. One method of control is limiting secular

education for children in subjects such as mathematics and even English. The
lack of skills necessary to navigate the outside world can be crippling to most
who consider leaving their communities. Another strategy is turning
everyone else into an enemy. The tactic is hardly unique. Every
fundamentalist group demonises the other they tend to be very dualist;
youre either with us or without us. In the case of the ultra-Orthodox, Were
talking about a ghetto thats locked from the inside, Heilman said. You have
to create a threat from the outside to keep those doors locked.

But even for those such as Solomon and Yanky who were educated enough to
pursue outside professions, their own psychological states work just as well
as any external rules to keep them put. The self-policing mechanism kicked
in most strongly through the matchmaking apparatus, the place where status
is determined in these communities. A person leaving the community puts a
blight on their entire family, stigmatising parents, siblings, children, and even
cousins, limiting their ability to marry into good families with no such stain.

Are double-lifer's a danger to the fold? It depends on your point of view.

For every one of them, theres five kids, 10 kids born, Heilman said.
We have 10,000 kids in school in Williamsburg alone. The majority will
stay where they are, said a Satmar friend a believer in agreement.
I could pick off a person a day if I wanted to, countered an undercover
atheist Ill call Moishe.

If anything, the double-lifers are more like agent provocateurs inside a

besieged system, Heilman contends. They know whats real and whats not
real. They know how to game the system. And they have their own signals.
Surely its only a matter of time before they begin to share their ideas with
those who are still believers.

m sitting with Moishe, a scholarly luminary in the ultra-Orthodox

world, in Solomons office in Manhattan; the two are colleagues and

confidantes. Moishe is Hasidic, wears a graying beard, lives in the bosom of
a Hasidic sect in Brooklyn and has many children. He has written books of
exegesis that are studied in many yeshivas, uncovering the hidden secrets of
the Torah.
Solomon, too, lives in Brooklyn, has a wife and a bunch of children, and a
good job. He is clean-shaven, wears a suit to work and a black velvet
yarmulke. Though both are staunch atheists, neither Moishe nor Solomon has
any intention of leaving the Orthodox world.
But the similarities end there Solomon is deeply emotional, the kind of man
whose obvious kindness comes from bearing the weight of the world on his
shoulders. He is still dogged by the emotional loss of faith. I have an
emotional bond to a God that I know does not exist, as he puts it.

Moishe, on the other hand, is driven only by the pursuit of truth, with that
almost childlike quality that geniuses display during discovery, and a sense of

humour wide enough to encompass all of his own foibles. Solomon suffers
from intense guilt; the psychological toll of leading a double life weighs
heavily on him. I used to be tormented by doubt, he said. But now Im
tormented by certainty. Moishe cant understand these feelings. He
experienced his new-found intellectual freedom with the joy that comes from
liberation.
Moishe is still publicly Hasidic. He wears a shtreimel the traditional fur hat
on Sabbath. At one point, the Hasidic rabbi leading his sect asked him to
become even more religious, referred to as going right.
At that time I was like, what do you mean more right? Im already at the
end! Whats north of the North Pole? But he knew what he was talking
about. Moishes journey from believer to atheist happened in a matter of
weeks, after a few passages from Maimonides convinced him that the
greatest Jewish scholar was, like himself, an undercover atheist.

Moishe explained: on the one hand, Maimonides felt that the belief that the
earth was eternal could be destructive to the Jewish religion. On the other
hand, he also said that if the infinite character of the earth could be proven, he
would accept it as true. Moishes conclusion? Maimonides knew the first
part of the Torah was iffy at best and bunk at worst. Moreover, Maimonides
attempts to reconcile what he thought was true with what he claimed was true
were, in Moishes words, an epic fail.

The greatest tragedy for undercover atheists is the barrier it

erects between them and their loved ones

Nothing he said made any actual sense, he explained. So I was left with
one option and one option only: he was an atheist but was hiding it. There,
now that made sense. So now I look at myself as a reincarnation of Rambam
[Maimonides]. Im an atheist in hiding just like he was.

Still, despite his confidence that he could convert a person a day to atheism
should he so desire, Moishe balked at the consequences. Perhaps the greatest
tragedy for undercover atheists is the barrier it necessarily erects between
them and their loved ones.
Im desperate to tell my kids the truth, Moishe confessed. And yet, he
doesnt dare. Moishe is not alone. Many I spoke to stay inside the confines of
their Orthodox lives for fear of harming their children, opting instead to let
them continue to believe what they themselves now consider to be fairy tales.
To me, lying to my children was the worst part, said another undercover
atheist Ill call him Yisroel. Yisroel has a very good job he makes in the
high six figures and is very attached to his wife and children, the opposite
of the stereotype that prevails in religious communities surrounding those
who lose the faith, namely that they are liars who want to do drugs, cheat on
their wives and eat cheeseburgers, as he put it. Yisroels greatest wish is that
his children will learn to think critically and figure things out for themselves.
But he has no plans to accelerate that process. I take it one day at a time; I
dont have any long-term goal about that, he told me when we met in a
Manhattan deli on a rainy afternoon.

Every person I spoke to had a different relationship with his spouse on the
subject of belief. Moishe and his wife have an agreement that they will marry

off the children before making any changes to their lives, though he doesnt
quite know what change would look like. What am I going to do move to
Kansas? he joked.
Yanky felt immense relief after he confessed to his wife he had felt like he
was betraying her. It was making me nuts, he said. He told her on Tisha
BAv a fast day commemorating the destruction of the temple and the end
of the Jewish Empire, because, as Yanky put it: It was a good time to suffer,
you know? She suffered a lot. She wasnt too happy. Shes still upset. The
way he told her was: She hadnt wanted me to go to the Dawkins talk. And I
said: You were right!
But divorce is not an option Yanky thinks children should have two parents
in the same household. It wouldnt do good things for them in general, and
in the religious world, it would damage them, all that stuff, he said. And I
dont think moving them out of the religious world would be helpful for
them, if that was even an option, so thats basically it.

few lucky men convinced their wives of their new-found

convictions, giving them a partner in crime. One man I spoke to Yechiel

who lives in Jerusalem told me it was not as painful for his wife when he
convinced her. Women are in a much more minor role in the community, he
said. Women are expected to express religious devotion by raising the kids,
by much more physical things getting a job, supporting their husbands

learning. Much less a direct spiritual experience, so for her to give it up

wasnt giving up much.
But it was for him. He remembered the direct aftermath of his loss of faith. I
was praying to Hashem [God]: Give me back my belief, prove to me that its
true, begging and begging. At some point, I realised its just plain stupid.
Still, he said: If you would see me in the street, my white shirt and black
yarmulke, you wouldnt know anything at all. His wife is now pushing for
more changes to their lifestyle, but fear of hurting his parents keeps Yechiel
in line.

One Hasidic woman I will call Fruma lives in the Satmar enclave of Kiryas
Joel in New York State. Frumas husband doesnt know she has lost her faith.
If he found out, he would certainly divorce her and take away her children.
The last time she showed signs of non-conformist behaviour, her husband
consulted the community leaders. They sent her to see a mental health
specialist, who medicated her. The mental illness card has been used often in
cases like mine, she wrote. She has since seen another mental health
specialist; he gave her a clean bill of health.

Fruma lives in constant, crippling fear of her husband finding out her true
beliefs, so much so that she refused to meet me, and would communicate her
thoughts only via Facebook. The one time we spoke on the phone, she called
me from a restricted number. Fruma lost her faith a few years ago, but she
found that exercising new freedoms only added to her unhappiness.

Lying creates so much inner conflict: breaks down all forms

of trust, makes you hate the person involved, but especially
makes you hate yourself

At first it felt extremely liberating to finally feel validated, she wrote. That
Im not crazy as some would like me to believe because I cant conform
and because my thinking is different. After a few months it dawned on me
that its not all that great. What happened was that those pockets of freedom
where I got away for a bit contrasted too sharply to my daily existence, and
made the staying so much harder. The feeling that I need to leave was very
strong.

Though Fruma never had a happy marriage, the toll that dishonesty is taking
on her is immense. Lying creates so much inner conflict, she wrote. Breaks
down all forms of trust, makes you hate the person involved, but especially
makes you hate yourself.

After Yisroel, the Manhattan high-earner, told his wife that he no longer
believed in God, she was devastated. When he suggested coming out, she
threatened to divorce him, a non-starter, in Yisroels words. She felt it
would be too confusing to the children, and Yisroel more or less agreed. So,
to save his marriage, Yisroel vowed to his wife never to break any of the
religious laws, and he never has. And to mitigate his wifes hopes that he
might one day rediscover his belief in God, Yisroel buys a lottery ticket every
week, just to keep that door open. I buy the ticket, just for her, and I
say: Please Hashem, let me win.
Its not all bad. Solomon, who lost his faith on the D train, says theres a lot
of good in the Orthodox community to ameliorate the psychological toll of
living a double life, such as the focus on family, the fact that Im probably
not going to have to worry that my daughters getting pregnant or stoned at
16. Theres a lot of good, even if none of its true. I think its a nice life.

Yisroel calls it performance art. To a certain extent everyone leads a secret

life, showing different sides to different people, he said.

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Do the undercover atheists herald the end of ultra-Orthodoxy, or only a new,
more insulated and controlled beginning? Here, Solomon and Moishe
disagree.

As long as ultra-Orthodox communities continue to marry people off at such

young ages, doubters will remain stuck, Solomon contends. Religion has
survived a lot of major challenges, he said, and the recent turn towards
fundamentalism within ultra-Orthodox Jewish communities is just that a
coping mechanism to weed out the non-conformists. The radicalisation of
ultra-Orthodox Judaism is a sign of its success, not its failure.

But Moishe believes that the phenomenon of atheism is deeply entrenched in

the Orthodox way of life. Everybodys faking, he insisted. I think its all
going to come crashing down. I say 20 years.

11 February 2015