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Acknowledgments
Id like to thank my sister in law, Marcy Murray, English
Literature Lecturer in Florida, for her guidance.
Id like to thank my dear friends, Caroline, Teresa and
Lorraine for being there to share my tears and laughter; also
Jacinta, Pauline Christine and Martha Dowling , for being
great fun girls!
Id like to thank my husbands loyal crew for their hard
work, dedication and support throughout this recession;
John Tormey, Paul O Conner, Patrick Doyle, Derek Ward,
Tony Hawkins, Billy Murray, Anthony Murray Jr, John
Murray Jr. and Christine Turner, for keeping all things
going in the office.
The Hanways for being good friends throughout.
Aunty Josie for feeding her boys. The McMahons. The O
Reillys. All of my aunties, uncles and cousins.
Stephanie, Catherine and Ursula and the rest of my Finbar
GAA Club girlfriends for treasured memories.
Id like to thank Rosena, Caroline, Ciara, Ray, Sue and
Mark and my Wysteria Lane neighbours, Catherine,
Taunya, Bernie , Lorna, Sharon, Brenda, Suzanne, Cairosa
and Emma for my new memories.
Id like to thank Josie Shaw for telling me to keep going, it
wasnt finished.
Id like to thank my Ma, my sisters, Olive, Josie, Sharon,
Eleanor and Christine for putting up with all of my tantrums
throughout our lives.
Id like to thank Pauline and Deco and Derek for all of their
help and all of my brothers in law, all of my sisters in law
and all of our nieces and nephews, for all their love.
Id like to thank my husband Anto, my son Anthony, his
future wife Sally and my daughter Sarah for all their support
and encouragement. For the constant loyalty of my dogs,
Skye, Storm and Sully and our dearly missed, Pongo, Buster
and Buffy.
I would like to acknowledge Bob and Noeleen Grace and
their family, who will always hold a special place in my
heart.
I would like to also thank, Hayley, Gemma, Vinh and Rob
from the Austin Macauley team. For saying yes to my story
and for guiding me through it.
I would like to take this opportunity to thank all of you who
have bought my book and are reading it right now!
I would also like to thank Steven Hawking for being an
amazing example of a human being.
Most of all, I would like to thank God for giving me a
second chance and for sending me his gift of Yasmin.
My Beautiful flower!
Co ntents
Introduction
1 My Beautiful Flower
2 Anto
3 My Ma
4 My School Days
5 Having My First Child
6 Sarah
7 Forgiveness
8 Yasmin
9 My Depression 2012
Conclusion
Introduction
Yasmin is a great one for talking in the car. Ever since she
could talk, she would babble away in her little car seat. In her
early years of life, I would take the opportunity to think about
all my problems while driving, not listening to Yasmin. I was
in my own world, thinking of my woes. If I had of known to
just focus on listening then, I would have saved myself a lot of
heartache and trouble.
I had been through quite a lot in my life and even when I was
in my early 30s, I thought that I should write a book. It could
be funny! Looking back, I probably felt a bit sorry for myself.
I also had a lot of things to say about the world we live in and I
knew a book was a great way to have my say!
I kept putting it off though, making excuses. When I had
my much adored last child Yasmin, now aged 9, I was very
busy. Yasmin had a lot of difficulties. She had a delayed
mental development, which meant she was a baby for a lot
more years than the average child. My biggest fear was that
Yasmin couldnt be educated. I loved reading and when I
started to research Yasmins difficulties, I was aghast to find
that Yasmin may never read beyond the age of a 5 year old. It
broke my heart to discover that she wouldnt be able to
participate in sports at any level. I couldnt accept that and I
took on the task to make sure that Yasmin had every
opportunity to be educated, in her literacy, numerical,
emotional and physical needs. I could see that Yasmin found it
really difficult and it pained me, but she never gave up.
She amazed me from the very start!
I started to really listen to Yasmin then. She was so
special! Plentiful with her love and laughter. Through her
strength and stamina, she inspired me to write my book.
To not just try to do it! To actually do it!
Initially my book was going to be about growing up in
tough times in Cabra. There were also lots of funny things I
1
My Beautiful Flower
make sure there was a plan for Yasmin that would be followed.
I posted them straight away.
To my Solicitor, I wrote him this also, but that if I died,
any money I had was to pay for all Yasmins needs. That was
my will.
I know I mustve terrified them both. Suicide was rampant
at the time, with the recession. Im pretty sure youd have to
plan suicide, but what if you didnt? What if it was just
something that just snapped in your brain? Lots of people
believe that.
But I didnt know. I knew the brain was powerful, it was
controlling all this. I was afraid of what else it could do. I
knew I needed to go back on my anti-depressant, but I was too
ill to go to the doctor
I asked a friend for some of her medication, as she was on
the same dose as me, just to get me feeling a bit well, so I
could go and talk to a doctor. I didnt want to arrive at the
Doctors surgery looking an emotional wreck with everybody
staring at me, feeling sorry for me.
The medication didnt kick in as quickly as usual and I was
still feeling quite ill ten days later when I finally went to see
my Doctor in Co. Meath. I thought maybe it was time I see a
Psychiatrist, to sort out my mind for me. I wasnt holding out
much hope of help, as Id spent 25 years of my life trying to
shake the self-hatred from my bones with various self-help
groups and counselling sessions.
I hadnt been this bad before though.
I looked awful. I felt physically ill, I was tired and
unmotivated. I had no interest in my appearance. I wasnt
sleeping well. On the outside I was barely functioning. On the
inside I was dead.
The doctor suggested I change my chaotic lifestyle, and
continue with my self-help and exercise. She asked me was I
eating well, of course I said yes. Good nutrition is vital for
people suffering with depression. I was vaguely aware that I
hadnt been eating well.
Two weeks later I mentally started to feel a bit better but I
also felt weak, frail.