Between the material and

the supernatural:

between the material and the supernatural

Therapeutic implications of bereaved individuals

experience of contact with the deceased person
hugh palmer
experienced in palliative care) having developed metastases in
his bones.
I remember just before he died, he told me about his
past, especially his childhood and how he and his younger
sister were evacuees and shunted all over during the war.
Id heard these stories before and had a feeling that there
introduction
was something else he wanted to tell me, but he was holding
Recent texts on bereavement (for example, Worden
back. I didnt press him though. There was one thing I
2003), can be seen to treat grief as if it were an illness, with
did know about his past, but it was unspoken between us;
therapeutic models constructed to provide a path to recovery; one particular event that had taken place around ten years
identifying stages of grief before a resolution that culminates previously which I had put down to an aberration on his
in the redirection of emotional energy elsewhere. More
part. I had seen him in a bar in our home town which
recently, the idea of continuing bonds (Klass, Silverman &
was commonly known to be a gay venue. I knew from his
Nickman, 1996) and some social constructionist, narrative
response at the time that he was terribly embarrassed that I
therapists (for example, Michael White, 1989; Hedtke &
had seen him there.
Winslade, 2004), offer ways for the bereaved individual to
Later that evening, following out conversation, Dad
maintain a relationship with the dead person.
slipped into unconsciousness and he died two days later. Both
Many bereaved people report sensing the presence
I and my mother were with him as he died, and we both
of a deceased relative or friend and most commonly this
commented on the sensation of something filling the room
occurs in dreams. Traditional grief literature describes these and then moving off away and out of the house. Looking at
experiences as symptoms of grief or even hallucinations.
his body, I felt that it was simply a shell; Dad was no longer
However, in popular literature they are attributed to after life there. His body looked like a younger, more peaceful version
communication or sometimes after death communication
of him.
(for example, Newcomb 2007).
A few months later, I began to dream of him. He would
The dichotomy between material and supernatural
appear in my dreams, where typically it would be a family
(Bennett & Bennett 2000) explanations for this type of
occasion and he would be there, usually smiling, but never
experience may hamper useful conversations between
saying anything. In these dreams, rather surreally, we all
therapists and clients. Discussing what might be considered
knew he was dead, but accepted and enjoyed his presence.
as paranormal or hallucinatory experiences may be avoided
On several occasions, it was apparent that he wanted to
(by both therapist and client) in therapy and clients may
communicate with me, but when he tried, his mouth was
not bring these issues for fear of being judged as crazy.
lined with what looked like black velvet, and no sounds could
However, these experiences can have very healing effects,
emerge.
occasionally radically transforming views about life, death
These dreams went on for some time, and I figured it was
and spirituality, so that discussing them in a therapeutic
part of the grieving process, maybe something to do with
climate may be helpful in the grieving process. Therapeutic
unfinished business. However, an opportunity presented
conversations that are supportive of maintaining and
itself when I was staying with my aunt and I asked her if
developing a relationship with the deceased person need to
there was a secret aspect to my father. Eventually, after a lot
incorporate discussion about clients experiences of sensing
of thought, she admitted there was, that she knew about it,
their presence.
and wondered what had made me ask. I told her about the
event I knew about, but not the dreams. She told me that my
my own narrative
father was gay, and this had caused a lot of problems for him,
Up until 1995, I had developed an epistemology that
as during the 1950s and 1960s homosexuality was viewed
pretty much was in line with Batesons idea of immanence.
very negatively. The following weekend, I asked my mother
It seemed to me that mind was located in the relationship
about this and, while she needed to be certain what I was
between body and environment, and there was nothing more talking about before admitting anything, when she realised
than that. No spirit, nothing transcendent.
what I now understood about my father, the floodgates
Then my father died. Hed had surgery three years
opened. I heard about the terrible difficulties theyd had,
previously for a melanoma which had required considerable
the struggles, and how they loved each other despite some
plastic reconstruction and, whilst never as able to get around considerable problems. She told me that, although Dad knew
as much, for three years had been reasonably happy. Then
I was involved in teaching on HIV and AIDS and clearly not
he began to get back pain and, in a matter of weeks, was
homophobic, nevertheless he couldnt risk my knowing and
very ill, being cared for at home (luckily the local GP was
was scared that I would reject him.
If you listen long enough and are open and non-judgemental you
will hear at least one story from each person about something weird
and unexplainable that connects them with the one who died. Its there.
They may not choose to disclose it for fear of ridicule.
(Mother, aged 33, cited in Sormanti & August, 1997)

40

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Context February 2009

material or supernatural?
There are two rival discourses about this type of
experience, and possibly the predominant view is that they
are a subjective psychological or even medical phenomenon;
they are simply hallucinations or fantasies resulting from
grief. Bowlby-West (1984) in writing from a family systems
perspective identifies the phases of grief that she combined
from Bowlby (1979) and Parkes (1972). Implicit within these
phases is the assumption that bereavement is understood
in terms of the loss of an attachment. These stages are still
representative of the widely held view that grief is a process
with identifiable stages. These phases include a numbness
phase that may last from a few hours to a week and may be
interrupted by outbursts of extreme anger or distress, a phase
of yearning and searching for the lost figure which can last
months or years, a phase of disorganisation and despair and,
finally, a phase of reorganisation which includes finding a
new personal identity.
Experiences such as dreams of the deceased person can
be located in the phase linked to yearning and searching.
Parkes (1972), in describing a dream reported by a widow
in his study, went so far as to describe it as wish-fulfilment,
whereas Kast (1982), writing from a more psychoanalytical
perspective, acknowledges that this type of dream marks
a turning point in the experience of death; the dreamer
establishes a different relationship with the deceased person,
what was experienced outside in terms of relationship
now can be internalised. The material discourse can be
summarised as locating these experiences as something
inside the bereaved person; at best fantasy, at worst a
hallucination and symptom of illness.
The opposing discourse is one of the supernatural:
that these experiences are objective evidence of after death
communication and, by definition, of survival after death.
Sometimes, the experience has an ineffable quality that the
dreamer simply knows to be real and is unlike other dreams.
Writing from this perspective tends to be in the realm of
popular media, and currently there certainly seems to be a
high level of public interest in after death communication, be
it television mediums such as Colin Fry and Derek Acorah or
popular dramas like Afterlife and Medium.
Both discourses (described respectively as materialist
and supernaturalist by Bennett & Bennett 2000) are
commonly known, although the latter rarely finds its way into
professional literature. As Bennett & Bennett (2000) note,
many people who have had these experiences themselves
may choose between one explanatory discourse or another
and this choice may even vary from one sentence to another,
although they suggest that, generally, people reporting such
incidents may well describe them in materialistic terms,
simply because they expect that description would meet the
interviewers expectations.
Neither of the two discourses is definitive, and very
little research has been conducted into peoples experiences
of feeling they have had contact with a deceased friend or
relative. Bennett & Bennett (2000) present a view that these
experiences are not uncommon, but avoid committing
themselves on what they mean, whereas Newcomb (2007) has
written several books on what is popularly known as after life
communication; however, these reports are anecdotal and not
research based. Sormanti and August (1997) appear to be the
only researchers who have explored this type of phenomenon
in any detail, and they identified that most parents in their
study benefited from such experiences following the death of
a child.
What is apparent is that these experiences are
common. For example Costello and Kendrick (2000) in

41

between the material and the supernatural

I appreciated that my father was a lot more complex than

Id thought and also a lot stronger than I ever could imagine.
I now had a sense that the things hed been trying to tell me
in my dreams had, at last, been said.
At this point, I suppose it was convenient (and reasonable)
for me to assume that the dreams were simply part of my
grieving and based in part on the event that had happened
many years ago. This assumption, however, was about to
change along with my thinking about life after death when,
a few weeks later, we went for a meal with some friends and
were happily enjoying a post meal glass of wine when I
became aware of a presence in the room.
I remember thinking It feels like Dad is here and
saying so. The others laughed, but then I distinctly saw
my father, sitting in an armchair, grinning from ear to ear!
Whilst appearing transparent, he was wearing a familiar
tweed jacket, and looked surprisingly well for a ghost. I told
the others that I could actually see him, and pointed to the
chair he was in. The others thought this was a hoot and that
clearly I was off my trolley. My friends wife went and sat on
the chair, as if to say there was nothing there. I was laughing
by now, because my fathers grin was even wider, and he
evidently found the situation funny. I could still see him
superimposed over her, still grinning.
Then he faded, and I became aware that he was in front
of me, and slightly above my head height. Rather than being
able to see him, I had a sensation of him being right in front
of me, that he was aware of my life; the mistakes I had made,
the good things I had done and, above all, an overwhelming
sense of love. It was as if he could see right into my life and
accepted and loved me for who I was. And I sensed that he
knew that the love was reciprocated and he was glad that I
now knew the story he had been unable to tell me when he
was alive. I tried to explain what was going on to the others
who by now were feeling a little unsettled and wondering if I
was completely mad.
My friend asked out aloud if my Dad would let them
know he was there. I remember the look on their faces
when, seconds later, there was an extremely loud rapping on
their back door. They were mortified, and scared. I was still
laughing, still feeling bathed in the incredible sense of love
and acceptance I had been shown. We opened the back door
and peered outside. On their lawn, several of their childrens
toys and balls had been laid out in a perfectly straight line. I
tried to reassure the others that everything was fine, but they
were pretty shaken. They still talk about that night!
Following that evening, my dreams subsided and I felt that
my father was moving on. I recalled as a child I once asked
him to let me know he was alright after he died. He had kept
to his word. And I no longer believed that once we died that it
was over. I became convinced that there is something about us
that is transcendent, and I had direct experience of it.
Since then, nearly 12 years later, I have heard many
similar stories to my own; most notably recently when one
of my friends told me about the dreams she had of her son
who died unexpectedly in February 2007. In one dream, she
saw him as if he was outside their house and, although he did
not speak to her, he smiled and waved through the window,
which she found very comforting. From anecdotal evidence,
it would appear that there are certain patterns common to
these dreams; often there is a metaphorical barrier between
the dreamer and the departed person, for example a window
is between them, or the communication takes place over a
dreamed telephone conversation. Another pattern seems to
be the sense that the dream is somehow different to normal
dreams, often accompanied by a powerful sense of love or
connection with the departed person.

between the material and the supernatural

an ethnographic study that retrospectively explored the

grief experiences of 12 older people whose partners had
recently died in hospital noted that, in all but one case, the
respondents reported having dreams about their partners.
This was framed by the authors as being useful to mourners in
enabling transcendent feelings to develop about the meanings
associated with the loss but not developed any further.
Perhaps then, what is required is an alternative to the
either/or dichotomy of immanence or transcendence
discourses; rather a move towards a both/and position that
is more concerned about the meanings individuals make
of these experiences rather than how real they are. The
possibility to move to this position of both/and is largely
as a result of narrative and dialogical turns, both within
therapeutic and research methodologies.

Nell (2004), also inspired by Whites paper, identified

several strategies to say hullo again, including writing letters
to the deceased, visiting the grave and remembering them
with others, but importantly recognises the importance of
using dreams as a means to say hullo again, too.
According to Nell (2004, p. 8)
Dreams of the deceased have an immense, yet mostly
underutilised potential for assisting clients in dealing with their grief.
Such dreams can powerfully instigate a saying hallo process in therapy
which can be built upon by other methods in order to aid the client in
reincorporating the lost relationship back into his or her life. Ignoring
such dreams would be to unnecessarily deprive the client of a valuable
connection with the deceased, and a powerful opportunity for healing.
Therapists who engage in work with bereaved people
might wish to consider introducing the possibility of
bringing experiences of contact with the dead person into
making meaning of these
the discussion. This may be complicated by the therapists
experiences: continuing bonds
and clients personal beliefs and, as identified earlier, some
Klass, Silverman and Nickman (1996) used the
bereaved people may wish to couch such experiences
expression continuing bonds as an alternative to the familiar as fantasy ( in other words presenting them as material
model of grief that requires the bereaved to let go from
explanations) in the belief that the therapist may hold that
the deceased. They argued that the bereaved maintain a
view.
link with the deceased, which leads to the construction of a
A dialogical approach may be useful in incorporating talk
new relationship. This relationship continues and changes
about these experiences. Seikkula and Arnkil (2006) state that
over time, typically providing the bereaved with comfort
dialogue is open; meanings are generated and transformed
and solace. According to Normand, Silverman & Nickman
from response to response. It is a way of thinking together
(1996), ways in which the bereaved person can build a new
and, as in Andersons (2005) not-knowing, the therapist
relationship with the deceased would include talking to
suspends judgement and actively listens to the client.
them, locating them (often in heaven), experiencing them in
However, it seems to me that by adopting a purist nottheir dreams, visiting the grave, feeling the presence of the
knowing approach, therapists may not enquire about topics
deceased, and by participating in mourning rituals.
that clients may feel embarrassed to instigate themselves.
Fraley and Shaver (1999) suggested that some forms
It is possible to engage in a dialogical approach without
of continuing bonds may be healthier than others, and
adopting a naive not knowing position, as Bertrando and
Epstein, Kalus and Berger (2006), in a study that conflates
Arcelloni (2006. p. 377) put it:
dreaming and yearning, found that those who looked for
therapy is an encounter of frames, the one brought by the
their deceased partner in a crowd would also tend to dream
therapist and the one brought by the client, because all human beings
of them still being alive. They concluded that:
live in a world made predictable by the rules defined by a frame, but
this may imply a conscious wish for the deceased to be alive
creativity and novelty may emerge only by going outside of the known
again, a process reflected in, and occurring in parallel with, dreams
frames.
of the deceased, and may constitute a lack of willingness to accept the
I now ask clients who are bereaved if they have had
death of their spouse. (Epstein, Kalus & Berger, 2006, p. 264). any sense of contact with the departed person and, if the
It seems that incorporating the idea of continuing bonds response is affirmative, it is usually accompanied by the
with the traditional model still leaves considerable room to
client feeling relieved that they are able to talk about the
find pathology; especially if the overriding discourse is one of topic without being judged as crazy. Once the subject has
immanence.
been opened up, the client may wish to continue to explore
If we can accept the view that maintaining a relationship
the meaning that they make regarding this experience.
with the deceased rather than letting go might be a helpful
When working with more than one person, it also opens up
approach to working with the bereaved, then it does not matter the possibility of exploring differences in family members
whether experiences of contact with the deceased person are
experiences, and the meanings that can be made of these
imagined or real; we can simply consider these experiences as
differences.
means to continue bonds with the deceased person.
I am certain that my openness to discussing such
White (1989), in a brief article entitled Saying hullo
experiences is related to my own experience; however, there
again, offered an alternative to the predominant saying
is no reason that therapists who might be more inclined to
goodbye metaphor characterised by letting go in traditional the material view could not equally be open to this type of
approaches to bereavement, and following on from his
conversation.
work, Hedke and Winslade (2005) describe a focus of reIt must be borne in mind that not all experiences or
membering, a process that re-directs the focus of grieving
dreams that bereaved people have are pleasant, and that
toward maintaining an ongoing relationship with the dead
sensitivity to the clients wishes to discuss them or not is
person. Here, the bereaved can seek comfort in keeping
paramount, as would be the case with any such issues in
the deceased persons membership current in their own
ethical systemic practice.
membership club of life. They utilise the subjunctive
conclusion
as a means to open up new possibilities and new ways of
In a recent study of 79 people attending a mental health
understanding situations; in terms of bereavement moving
service (DSouza, 2002), 82% of respondents thought their
away from talking about the dead person in the past (she or
he was a keen reader of Context) to ways of including the dead mental health worker should be aware of their spiritual
beliefs and needs, and 67% reported that spirituality helped
person in the present (she or he would enjoy this edition of
them cope with their psychological pain, yet issues to do
Context).

42

Context February 2009

References
Anderson, H. (2005) The myth of not-knowing. Family Process.
44(4): 497-504
Bennett, G. & Bennett, K.M. (2000). The presence of the dead:
an empirical study. Mortality, 5, 139-157.
Bertrando, P. & Arcelloni, T. (2006) Hypotheses are dialogues:
sharing hypotheses with clients. Journal of Family Therapy. 28,
370-387
Bowlby, J. (1979) The Making and Breaking of Affectional
Bonds. Tavistock, London.
Bowlby-West, L. (1983) The impact of death on the family
system. Journal of Family Therapy, 5, 279 294.
Costello, J. & Kendrick, K. (2000) Grief and older people: the
making or breaking of emotional bonds following partner loss in
later life, Journal of Advanced Nursing, 32(6): 1374-1382.
DSouza, R. (2002) Do patients expect psychiatrists to be
interested in spiritual issues? Australasian Psychiatry, 10, 1:
44-47.
Epstein, R., Kalus, C. & Berger, M. (2006) The continuing bond
of the bereaved towards the deceased and adjustment to loss.
Mortality, 11, 3.
Fraley, R.C., & Shaver, P.R. (1999) Loss and bereavement:
Attachment theory and recent controversies concerning grief
work and the nature of detachment. In R.C. Fraley & P.R.
Shaver (Eds) Handbook of Attachment Theory and Research.
Guilford, New York.
Hedtke, L. & Winslade, J. (2004) Re-Rembering Lives:
Conversations with the Dying and the Bereaved. Baywood
Publishers, Amityville.
Hedtke, L & Winslade, J. (2005) The use of the subjunctive in remembering conversations with those who are grieving. Omega,
Vol. 50(3) 197-215.
Jung, C. G. (1963) Memories, dreams, reflections. Collins,
London.
Kast, V. (1993) A Time to Mourn: Growing through the Grief
Process. (2nd Edn.) Daimon Verlag, Einsiedeln, Swizerland.
Klass, D., Silverman, P. & Nickman, S. (Eds) (1996) Continuing
Bonds. Routledge, New York.
Nell, H.W. (2004) The saying hallo metaphor as alternative

approach to death-related counselling. Paper presented at 3rd

Global conference, Making sense of Dying and Death. Vienna,
Austria. Available from: http://www.inter-disciplinary.net/mso/
dd/dd3/nell%20paper.pdf, Accessed 20/03/08.
Newcomb, J. (2007) Angels Watching Over Me. Hay House,
London.
Normand, C., Silverman, P. & Nickman, S. (1996) Bereaved
childrens changing relationship with the deceased. In D. Klass,
P. Silverman & S. Nickman (Eds), Continuing Bonds. Routledge,
New York.
Parkes, C.M. (1972) Bereavement: Studies of Grief in Adult Life.
Tavistock, London.
Seikkula, J. & Arnkil, T. (2006) Dialogical Meetings in Social
Networks. Karnac, London.
Sormanti, M. & August, J. (1997) Parental bereavement:
Spiritual connections with deceased children, American Journal
of Orthopsychiatry, 67(3) 460-469.
White, M. (1989) Saying hullo again. In M. White, Selected
Papers. Dulwich Centre Publications, Adelaide, Australia.
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Routledge, London.

Hugh Palmer is a systemic psychotherapist and lecturer

at Hull University (h.palmer@hull.ac.uk)

We all know that humour can help us deal with the various crises and transitions in life. While Eleanor
Anderson waited with her Scots brother-in-law in Accident and Emergency when he was being investigated
for a suspected heart attack after a collapse in a restaurant, he entertained her with Scottish dying jokes.

Willy was on his death bed. Willy, wha would you like for your last meal?, asked his wife. Some of that
nice ham on the sideboard he replied. Wheesh Willy, you know thats for your funeral.
A man is lying dying in the Western Infirmary in Glasgow with his wife at his bedside. He hasnt moved
for some hours. The doctor comes along and examines him and then turns to his wife and says Im awfully
sorry Mrs.McPherson, but Im afraid that your husband has passed away. At this the man sits up in bed and
says: Im no deed at all! His wife turns to him and says Oh wheesht, Willie, the doctor knows best!
The doctor tells Willy that he has the results of the tests and Willy only has three minutes to live. Oh
doctor, cant you do anything for me?, says Willy. How about a soft boiled egg?, says the doctor.

Context February 2009

43

between the material and the supernatural

with spirituality are often disregarded by mental health

practitioners, including family therapists.
Perhaps approaches to bereavement that are informed
by social constructionist, meaning-making views rather
than either materialistic or supernatural views may be
more helpful for both clients and therapists, especially in
considering phenomenon that might otherwise be considered
at best as anomalous or at worst as symptoms of illness.
Jung (1963, p. 343) wrote of his own dream experience
following the death of a neighbour and concluded that
there is no way to marshal valid proof of the continuance
of the soul after death, there are nevertheless experiences
which make us thoughtful. Perhaps as therapists, we can be
thoughtful together with our clients about these experiences.