Entropy

The biography of Jordan Gardiner

In loving memory of Audrey Jessica Gardiner

Entropy: the degradation of the matter and energy in the universe to an ultimate state of
inert uniformity. A process of degradation or running down or a trend to disorder.
- Merriam-Webster

Entropy: a state of disorder or chaos. It is the scientific measure for the uncertainty of an
outcome.
- Wikipedia

To me, entropy means chaos. 'Entropy' is my journey out of chaos.

- Jordan Gardiner

Some characters depicted in Entropy have been given aliases to protect their identities .

The following is a true story:

Table of Contents
Prologue................................................................................................................................................11

ACT I
Chapter 1...............................................................................................................................................14
Playing The Part
Chapter 2...............................................................................................................................................21
Let A Star Be Just A Star And A Girl Just A Dream
Chapter 3...............................................................................................................................................31
An Unfinished Goodbye
Chapter 4 ..............................................................................................................................................39
The Delinquents of Edmonton
Chapter 5...............................................................................................................................................46
Homecoming
Chapter 6...............................................................................................................................................57
Bliss
Chapter 7...............................................................................................................................................67
Evaluating Your Standards
Chapter 8...............................................................................................................................................74
The Underlying Tension
Chapter 9...............................................................................................................................................77
The Bitch

ACT II
Chapter 1...............................................................................................................................................82
Preconcieved Perceptions
Chapter 2...............................................................................................................................................95
Emotion And Logic

Chapter 3.............................................................................................................................................103
Ultimatum
Chapter 4.............................................................................................................................................106
Dissolution
Chapter 5.............................................................................................................................................112
Intellectual Games
Chapter 6.............................................................................................................................................123
Manipulation
Chapter 7.............................................................................................................................................126
What Are Sisters For?
Chapter 8.............................................................................................................................................132
Near Death
Chapter 9.............................................................................................................................................137
Redemption

ACT III
Chapter 1.............................................................................................................................................142
Ultimate Pub Crawls
Chapter 2.............................................................................................................................................150
The Game
Chapter 3.............................................................................................................................................153
Cheerleaders
Chapter 4.............................................................................................................................................160
So I think I Can Dance
Chapter 5.............................................................................................................................................165
Judges Are Assholes
Chapter 6.............................................................................................................................................171
Breaking The Success Barrier
Chapter 7.............................................................................................................................................190
A News Reporter For A Model
Chapter 8.............................................................................................................................................200
Old Flames Die Hard

Chapter 9.............................................................................................................................................207
A Fire Ignited
Chapter 10...........................................................................................................................................215
Compromised
Chapter 11...........................................................................................................................................220
Undertaking
Chapter 12...........................................................................................................................................226
Upgraded
Chapter 13...........................................................................................................................................230
The Past Is A Lie
Chapter 14...........................................................................................................................................237
Deception's Truth

ACT IV
Chapter 1.............................................................................................................................................242
The Imbalance of Attraction
Chapter 2.............................................................................................................................................247
New Horizon
Chapter 3.............................................................................................................................................250
Resurgence
Chapter 4.............................................................................................................................................254
Omission
Chapter 5.............................................................................................................................................259
Fears And Phobias
Chapter 6.............................................................................................................................................262
Spring Break In Cancun
Chapter 7.............................................................................................................................................263
Coco Bongo
Chapter 8.............................................................................................................................................272
Rachel of Chicago & Kara of Toronto
Chapter 9.............................................................................................................................................278
Submerged

Chapter 10...........................................................................................................................................283
The Moon Palace
Chapter 11...........................................................................................................................................290
Hate Every Beautiful Day
Chapter 12...........................................................................................................................................294
The Last Conquest
Chapter 13...........................................................................................................................................305
Solace
Chapter 14...........................................................................................................................................312
When The Past Meets The Present

ACT V
Chapter 1............................................................................................................................................320
Reprisal
Chapter 2.............................................................................................................................................326
If There Was Ever A Perfect Girl
Chapter 3.............................................................................................................................................333
American Audacity
Chapter 4.............................................................................................................................................339
The Goat In The Woods
Chapter 5.............................................................................................................................................347
Fate Doesn't Like Being Tempted Twice
Chapter 6.............................................................................................................................................351
The Great Divide
Chapter 7.............................................................................................................................................355
Purgatory
Chapter 8.............................................................................................................................................360
A Career In Dreams or A Career In Drugs
Chapter 9.............................................................................................................................................363
Exile
Chapter 10...........................................................................................................................................367
Absolution

Chapter 10...........................................................................................................................................371
The Last Moment of Entropy

Epilogue..............................................................................................................................................375

Prologue

I thought that having the perfect woman, wealth in friends, and vast amounts of money would fill
the void of my inner dissatisfaction. It didn't.
I fought relentlessly to attain happiness and bliss; sometimes I did attain it and it was perfect.
Everything felt right, in place, and in order, enduring a sense of symmetry like no other. The
problem was that it only lasted for a moment. I've dedicated years of my life for one very specific
state of being. This silly little thing is everything to us; it's what the world craves, desires, and
works toward.
It's simple chemistry in the brain of every woman, man, and child. Every emotion and feeling
you have ever endured is a product of your body regulating its resources.
Love is a mystery, love is divine, love is meant to be. No; love is science. Love is just a chemical
reaction and it can be manipulated and used. Whenever we're sad or happy, angry or depressed, or
even feeling strong affection toward another, there is no cosmic or meaningful reason behind it. Our
feelings and choices are biology.
Fate, destiny, and the idea that things are meant to be are only rationalizations to make sense of
our shortcomings or luck. The world is random, the world is chaotic, the world is entropy.
I had a huge arguement with an ex-girlfriend. It started because I felt like the universe had a plan
and that us being together wasnt random. She disagreed and it shocked me that she didnt think we
were part of a bigger destiny together.
I used to believe in higher purposes and prophecy stemming mostly from vanity and the idea that
I actually matter in this huge, cold universe; that it knows and gives a shit about who I am. Its
pathetic, but I also like to think its romantic that cosmic recognition would separate me from a
lump of coal.
I never claimed to be pure of heart, not even close. The journey you're about to embark on is
cold, dark, and real. Do happy endings ever exist in true stories? Perhaps. But you don't see what
happens after the credits roll.
Tragedy leads to inspiration: that's what I've always believed. It's the tragedies and the problems
rippling from them that built me into the man I am today. Without tragedy I would have never
obtained any form of success.
Tragedy, pain, sorrow: it lies in all of us, unpreventable and lingering. Without a way to come to
terms with it, we're all forced to bear it in our hearts. How can we really cope? How can I cope
while knowing the girl I was committed and promised to for so many years is seeking pleasure in
other men? She enjoys it; I dread it!
Human nature is a cruel thing. How much of it is really natural though? Endless numbers feel no
guilt in wishing the worst upon the world. They remain giving the best they have knowing it's not
good enough. They work toward being their best and only self to find no reward. With injustice like

this, it's no wonder they become so self-destructive. Their cries for help go ignored as they
drastically take measures out of spite from violent and angry discharges of emotion, or the feelings
of disconnection and detachment from reality. What's usually left is a black hole void of happiness
and self-worth.
Time and time again, I've gained and lost. I've faced and accepted my own death. As a child I
grew up with a corrupted idea of myself, others, and the world. I dreamt about becoming an actor,
because those were the figures being pushed in our face by magazines, television, and cinemas.
I became determined and motivated by the thought of revenge. I wanted to make every scumbag
that ever put me down, humiliated me, and assaulted me in their place. I knew that no matter what
they amounted to, stardom, fame, and fortune were the greatest faucets of superiority.
I've been here before, I've been here more than once. A fraction of my pride, glory, ego, and selfworth sift back into place; the strongest opponents to my minds current occupants.
I know that if I get up and continue fighting, I will only find a demise in this hole again. Looking
back on myself, I realize that every time I have climbed out of the hole; I reemerge stronger, more
determined, and more successful than I've ever been. Perhaps this curse is my greatest blessing. I
am doomed to return to this hole until it molds me into the best I can be, each and every time
making further strides to success.
I embrace my feelings of pain, because without them I wouldn't strive to become something
more. I wouldn't strive to become my best self and win life's greatest prize: the opportunity to give
the world my greatest and final valediction.

I
Emotions are reason enough.
Neil Strauss, Rules Of The Game

Chapter 1
Playing The Part

The camera flashed as I struck my pose in the black leather chair. The photographer, Katrina,
instructed me to shift my weight to the left. A few more shots and that was a wrap.
After unmounting her camera, Katrina approached me. Id like to go over some details about
which pictures to select, she said, offering her input, these would be perfect for your close-ups
and these full body shots Im about to show you give off a real authentic look.
I can't say you're wrong, I said, nodding in agreement.
Your pictures will be with my colleague at the headshot booth, she informed me.
I left the backdrop set to where the make-up artists had made their establish. Randy Chartrand
was doing a young model's hair and make-up.
Youre lucky you know! I notified the young model.
Why's that? she asked challengingly.
The unrepresented aren't commonly dealt with by professionals such as Randy, I smirked.
Finally somebody appreciates what Im doing here! Randy replied with amusement.
"Hows it going, Randy? I asked warmingly.
Randy Chartrand, he was the man responsible for sending me forth with the most talented group
of aspiring, young actors, models, musicians, and dancers. He was scouting across the country
looking for talent. His team told me I had the spark they were looking for, that I had an edge in the
entertainment industry. Being a film actor had always been a dream and life goal for myself. Being
invited to a convention to perform for world-renowned casting directors and producers seemed to
have been the first promising opportunity I had.
Randy had finished styling the model before she strutted to her shoot.
"You come here! I want to do something with your hair," Randy demanded me.
As well as being a talent scout, Randy was also a professional hair and make-up artist. He had
previously been responsible for applying the face of several famous stars and events in the past such
as Madonna and Wayne Gretzkys wedding.
Lucas, Id like you to take some extra time with this one. I think he could be the success story
we want, Randy explained to Lucas, the hairdresser, before walking off to deal with more anxious
models.
"Whats your name?" Lucas asked, grabbing a clipboard of names from the table.
Jordan Gardiner, I replied as he had begun looking through his list.
"Is this you?" Lucas asked while pointing to a name that read 'Jordan Fordyce.'

No, I replied simply, "Im Jordan Gardiner. See? Right there," as I pointed to the correct name.
Thank you, said Lucas as he gestured me to the chair.
Randy was betting it all on me. He thought that out of the masses he auditioned, I would have
the best chance of succeeding.
He gets it! Randy said, raising his voice to Lucas as he continued with my hair, You hand a
commercial script to any fifteen-year-old and its just a piece of paper to them, but Jordan gets it!
He adds personality to the paper, he brings it to life! Hes sometimes quiet, so you dont expect it,
and then when you put him on the spot, BOOM, he hits you in the face! Out of nowhere, hes'
captured your interest!
Lucas finished with my hair and showed me in a mirror. What do you think, Superstar? he
asked with confidence. My hair had a lot of volume and looked very stylish.
I look like one of the models, I smiled.
Thats exactly the point, Lucas smiled back.
After having my hair and make-up done, it was time for my first audition. I walked out of the
auditorium lobby and traveled down several escalators to the bottom floor of the Shaw Conference
Centre of which the event was taking place.
I traveled from Nelson, British Columbia to Edmonton, Alberta to try my luck with the attractive
opportunity.
The event had four segments of auditions: acting, singing, modeling, and dance. I was
participating in the acting and dance segment. Randy was particularly fond of me for my acting
demonstration; he immediately put me through to the dance audition at the slight mention of my
ability.
In the remaining time, I waited in front of the audition room as I read my script aloud. I was
selling toothpaste, cheeseburgers, clothing, and MP3 players.
Hey, youve got that down, an Asian male with the number, 5057 complimented, "The agents
are going to love you.
Thanks, I've been tackling this for three days straight now! I exclaimed.
I was anxious and wanted to ensure that I had my lines practised to perfection. I wasn't simply
invited to come take my chance at stardom. It was a six-hundred-ninety-five dollar fee to register
for the event, and then I had to dish out the extra fees for travel, accommodation, and stylist
charges. I paid a lot of money to be there, and you only got one shot. I wasnt going to leave
Edmonton without a contract.
I'm Lee, the stranger informed me while holding up his hand.
Jordan Gardiner, pleasure to meet you. I'm sure the agents are going to like you too. You got a
clear voice.
I dont know, but Ill be rooting for you, Lee laughed before continuing on with his business.
Lee had long black hair, and piercing dark eyes. It appeared his motive for being there wasn't for
exposure or discovery. It bewildered me for someone to have so much opportunity surrounding
them and not be interested in it.

Security entered the proximity and unlocked the doors to the audition room, beckoning the
amassing group to enter.
I prepared to recite two commercials from memory in front of a camera, to directors, and talent
agents.
This was the kind of chance I dreamed about since I was twelve years of age. It started with the
small image in my head of pretending to be someone else in front of a camera. With one thought I
had as a child, it had become a curiosity. Curiosity turned into a fascination, fascination into a
dream.
Rows of chairs and a judge panel stood before a stage. A video camera from the audience
established an image onto a television screen parallel from the camera, followed by a white X
laying beside the television.
When everyone was seated, the acting agents began to give instructions to the participating
actors. "Will males between the ages fourteen and seventeen please line up to this side of the
room?" a man on the panel politely asked while pointing to the left wall. I stood up with the other
participants and lined up along the wall. After the man could see that everyone was in order he
continued with his instructions. "Okay, one at a time we are going to have you walk up on stage and
stand on the white X. You must stand there because that is where the camera is recording and you
will appear on the TV beside you. Make sure you follow our instructions because we do choose you
based on your ability to follow simple instructions as well as your acting. The other day we had a
girl who couldn't find the X and it took us about five minutes to actually get her to stand where we
wanted," the agent let off a short chuckle, "now Im not singling anyone out, but yes, she did have a
particular hair colour"
Everyone in the room let off chuckles after the agent's remark.
"Well, lets begin!" the agent clapped while taking his seat.
As I waited in line, I observed the people that appeared before me. Looking for their mistakes to
make sure I did not do the same. To my surprise, nearly everyone that recited their script had
forgotten one or two lines and were unmistakably nervous.
Lee had appeared before the audience and began his script, A whopper isn't just a burger, it's the
fresh tomato and...uh line? Oh yeah! Fresh tomato and lettuce grilled to perfection and um, um, shit,
never mind.
Lee walked off the stage without finishing his script.
It was my turn.
I walked in front of the camera and the audience confidently. I smiled as much as possible,
because if joy could sell the product, what would? I delivered the lines from memory with near
perfection, "Ask yourself, do I want it or do I need it? Then look at the price tag and think, does it
matter? Walk into Winners and find brand names and designer clothing for up to twenty to eighty
percent less than regular department stores. Winners, where desire and practicality meet, so when
you need high quality clothing and affordable prices, think Winners!"
I was certain Id gained the attention of these representatives, but would find out thereafter.
I took a seat beside Lee and patted him on the shoulder. What went wrong, man? I asked.

I just forgot my lines; it's all good, he laughed.

You don't seem that concerned. If that was me, I would be beating myself up right now, I told
him.
My parents just recommended that I go to this event. They said it would be cool if I got on a
magazine or commercial or something. They paid my upfront fee for me so I basically just came to
meet people.
Lee had a lot of interesting ideas about society and socialism. From the outside, he appeared
normalized and formal, masking an eccentric, out-going rockstar attitude.
The day had approached evening. I walked out into the main auditorium that was enormous in
size. It felt as if I were walking through an indoor stadium with a runway stage through the center.
I had finished my acting audition, but the opportunity wasn't over for me yet. I had one audition
left and this time my play of words wasn't the game; it was in the field of dance and movement. I
felt like I didn't deserve the benefit of doubt for being a good dancer, I had very little experience
and everything I knew about dance came from watching people on a video blogging website known
as YouTube.
I found a seat in the auditorium and watched a seminar on how the industry operated. A wellgroomed, middle-aged man walked out onto the stage and introduced himself as Bob Luke. He
informed his audience that he was there representing Disney. Bob Luke talked about a film he was
involved in called Enchanted that was about a princess in the cartoon world that somehow ended
up into our human world in New York City. We could expect it sometime next year.
Bob Luke spoke about how it was crucial to get good grades if you were a young actor. When
you're cast in a production, you miss a lot of school and students tend to fail or have their grades
drop dramatically because we pull them out for long periods of time. We do like to choose students
with better grades because we don't want to put their education at risk, he explained then carried
on to the process of landing an agent and what to watch out for, if you speak with an agent and
they demand any fee's upfront, be very skeptical. Most agents that take you on will get paid when
you do, they take a percentage of your earnings for the jobs they get you.
Bob Luke spoke for an hour. I had a valuable understanding of the way the industry worked after
listening and absorbing his words and knowledge. He started taking some questions and I had a
question that had been itching the back of my head for quite some time. He finally selected my hand
and I stood up to address him, If we don't happen to find work at this convention, what advice can
you give us to pursue a career in this industry on our own?
Bob Luke stood on stage for a few moments thinking about the question, That is a good
question. You can't do it on your own, not in this industry. It's usually not about what you know, it's
about who you know. Your success goes about as far as your connections. What number are you?
4004, I replied.
Bob Luke turned to another area of the stage and continued taking questions. Every participant at
the event was given a number so producers, directors, and agents had something to keep track of us
with. Before Bob Luke had left the stage, he introduced another middle-aged man, Michael Katz.
Michael told his story about when he was a young, aspiring actor. He landed a pretty good agent
and was going to a large number of auditions for movies and television shows alike. There came
one audition where a director had chosen from hundreds of people and narrowed his decision down

to two young men. The role for the film required the character to be bald so Michael and his
competition both shaved their heads. The end result was that Michael didn't get the role and he was
crushed. His agent noticed how down Michael was and told him not to worry and that the other guy
was going nowhere. That other guy was named Tom Cruise.
The seminar came to an end and my mind was anew with stories and knowledge about the
industry. I took in and soaked up every word that was spoken during the seminar. I truly believed
that it was my calling and future career, but destiny may have had other plans for me first.
There was so much going on at the event that I had nearly forgotten to eat. I left the auditorium
to find Lee leaning up against the wall. I approached him, explained that I was going to grab some
pizza and invited him to join me. Lee was quick to say yes as it seemed he had nothing to do.
I can't wait for the big dance tonight, Lee announced as we headed toward the pizza stand.
I can't either, dance and mingle with all the models, it should be fun, I replied while mentally
drooling.
My girlfriend would not be happy if she knew how many models were around here, Lee
laughed.
I'm girlfriend-free. I'm a free-spirit tonight!
Lucky, Lee concluded.
I'd have considered you the lucky one. I've never had a girlfriend in my entire life, I admitted,
but I have a feeling everything is going to change for me this weekend.
It probably will for a lot of people, we can walk back into that auditorium and sit amongst the
crowd, any one of those people could be well on their way to famous by tomorrow. It could even be
you! Lee exclaimed.
It better be me! I said over-confidently, I worked way too hard and spent far too much money
to let it go any other way.
As time had progressed, it was nearly time for the dance segment of the auditions and I had
dismissed myself from my new friend.
I'll be watching you from the audience! Lee shouted after me.
"I'll do a backflip in your honor!" I shouted back.
The center of the auditorium had models strutting up and down the runway, striking seductive
poses. Across from the runway was a stand where the panel of judges were located. They had their
notebooks open, occasionally jotting down some scribbles on certain models.
I was becoming more self-conscious than ever, knowing that I would be upon that runway in
front of thousands of critical eyes. Earlier, I had found an area to practice a few back flips when a
beautiful model in her twenties approached me. She complimented my dancing ability and carried a
conversation with me. I wasn't used to that, usually being alienated by good-looking girls in high
school. I was a teenager, not very attractive, and usually got extremely nervous around beautiful
women. But now I spoke with crystal clear confidence, and felt my looks were an advantage. I was
a completely different person. Over night it appeared I had done a full one-eighty. I looked
hansome, I spoke with purpose, and I had talent to put to the test. I was playing the part I was meant
to.

I told the model a little bit about myself and how I learned what I could do. The model had
explained to me that she'd never seen anything like it and would make sure she watched my
audition. She gave me a glowing confidence for what I was about to do.
The last of the models had walked down the runway and the MC announced that the dance
segment of the auditions were about to take place.Will all participating dancers proceed behind
stage and be ready to audition."
This is it. Here we go.
I got up from my seat, walked behind the curtains, and began stretching to warm myself up. I
began shaking and couldn't get a grip on myself, I had never danced for anyone in my life and I had
to perform in front of thousands of people. I didn't know if I was capable of performing for such a
massive audience in something I didn't believe I was good at. It was too late to back out and I
forced myself to let go of my second thoughts. You're going to be proud of yourself no matter what
way this audition goes, I whispered to myself silently and closed my eyes to regain my composure.
I placed myself on the staircase that inverted to the runway platform, listening to the first
performance on stage. The song came to an end and the first dancer came backstage bursting with
energy. He high-fived other participating dancers as he came off the platform in victory because he
knew he nailed it. The MC called 4001 to perform. The next dancer came forward and disappeared
through the curtains.
Wait a minute! Were you the guy doing back flips earlier? a girl with long red hair dressed in a
leotard asked.
Probably, I responded, I didnt see anyone else doing back flips.
Oh my god, that's awesome! Whats your name?
Jordan, yours?"
Rachel, she replied enthusiastically, are you okay?
Just a little nervous, I replied. I guess she could tell I had stage fright from my heavy breathing
and not being able to sit still.
She seemed like a fun, outgoing kind of girl; the type you could really be yourself around. She
encouraged me and made me feel like I could really pull through the audition. She was to perform
right after me and she started to emphasize that she was getting nervous too. She still kept a positive
notion despite her fear and I admired her for that.
"Now we have participant 4003 performing. Good luck!" announced the MC on stage. My
number was going to be called next.
Jordan, I have a really good idea! Want to hear it? Rachel asked with hopefulness.
Alright, lets hear it, I nodded.
You and I should perform together. Right now! We could just freestyle it and dance off each
other.
As much as I would love to, its literally a last minute thing. Our first practice run would be the
real deal, I said regretfully.
We could totally pull it off! Rachel pushed.

I hardly felt comfortable stepping up on a stage alone, and to perform with an experienced
dancer and look like a fool should I fail, I was capable enough to look like a fool on my own. What
better way to do it than have the stage all to myself.
Before I knew it, they called participant 4004. I walked onto the platform and heard Rachel
whisper good luck to me as I got ready to walk out from the curtains.
Performer 4004 is going to show us some breakdancing. Good luck 4004, the MC said as he
cued the music.
I stepped out onto the runaway to view thousands of analytical eyes on me.

Chapter 2
Let A Star Be Just A Star, And A Girl Just A Dream

I threw myself into the air with a back flip and dove into a spinning maneuver upon landing. I
jumped furiously out of my spin and into a single-armed, hand-stand before twisting my legs into a
cool shape. I was flipping and spinning through the air perfectly with the rhythm of the music.
The rest came naturally. I let go of the routine I had created and merely let my body flow into
whatever felt right. I was overwhelmed with sense of accomplishment.
It didn't feel as if I was dancing, but an unknown force called instinct took over my body. It was
aware of the judges facial expressions, the disposition of the audience, taking care of me by making
my movements lucid and of the best possible quality.
It even made me enter a move that I never successfully accomplished in my life. It was called a
1990, when you spin in a handstand position on one hand; a spinning one-handed hand-stand if you
may. There was never even a moment of doubt. I knew I could not fail. And I pushed all my
momentum forward and pivoted on my one hand three times before landing the move.
I gasped and could not believe the first time I successfully accomplished that move was in front
of two-thousand people. I stopped and stood in the middle of the stage for a moment to stare out
into the endless sea of people. I remember being overwhelmed with a sense of glory. I never felt
such a rush in my life. It wasn't a rush of adrenaline or fear, it was like you were experiencing a
whole new world for the first time. I was at peace with myself and had been surrounded by a sense
of amazement. I could not believe that I not only escaped my fear of failing, but I had done
something much greater then I ever imagined I would. I felt important for the first time.
From my lack of experience, I was lead to believe that I was would never excel at something I
wanted to be. I never thought that I would ever have a chance of meeting the standards of great
people because I did not meet my own. I wanted and expected myself to be nothing but the best. I
made it my goal to work towards perfection.
Back home, I had friends who had put me down for wanting to accomplish big things in my life.
They told me that there would always be someone better than me so it was unless to try and do
anything meaningful. I was faced with the urge to prove them wrong and that motivated me to keep
working until my body could not longer take it.
I used to do laps around my neighbourhood, not slowing down until I literally began spitting up
blood. I used to attempt dance moves continuously until my body was covered in cuts, bruises, and
until my muscles would seize up, being sore for days. I pushed myself past the pain and exhaustion
because only those who can fight past all the obstacles can truly become something more.
My lack of confidence in myself seem to be unimportant now. Perhaps all I needed to do was
believe in myself.

I fell back into reality and continued to do what I was meant to on that glamourous stage. I threw
myself into another spin and jumped forward into front hand spring. As the music neared its end, I
jumped backward into a final backflip, this time landing on my chest in a relaxed position.
Screams, shouts, and clapping echoed through the auditorium for me.
I lifted myself from the stage, walked to the end, and presented myself with a glorious bow and
wink to the judges before disappearing behind the curtains.
Need an aspirin? Rachel asked as she came running up the steps to congratulate me.
I'm good. I did it, I actually did it, I stated in disbelief.
The exertion took a lot out of me and I gave every reserve of energy I had. I attempted to prevent
the dizziness from overcoming me, grabbing onto the railing so I didn't fall over.
I had no doubt impressed the agents, directors, and producers. I even swore I'd seen one of their
jaws drop open during my performance. I couldn't help but notice that Bob Luke and Michael Katz
were upon the judge stand; that would prove to be interesting.
Well everyone, it looks like we all got served! the MC joked, so now we have participant
4005 joining us with her hip hop. Good luck 4005.
Good luck, Rachel, I smiled.
You were amazing! she whispered as she ran up the steps and vanished through the curtain.
After my breath returned to me, I relocated myself back to the audience to view Rachel's
performance. Rachel was on stage doing robotic hip-hop movements and then bust out into several
back hand springs. It was evident she was equal parts gymnast and hip hop dancer.
I had been wearing a vibrant green T-shirt which made me easy to pick out in a crowd. A few
people in my proximity turned to look at me.Yeah, that's the break dancer. I heard an individual
say a couple rows back. I leaned back into my chair comfortably and soaked up the attention.
I noticed the director from Disney, Bob Luke, appear distracted as he was panning through the
audience rather than observing Rachel's performance. Bob Luke continued looking through the
audience until it seemed as if he were glaring at me. Is he making eye-contact with me? I think he
is. He got up from his seat, came down from the stand, and started a casual walk in my direction.
Oh, this must be something good, I thought as he stood before me.
"Were you the young man performing just before her?" he asked while pointing to Rachel on
stage.
Yes, that was me," I replied in bewilderment as to what warrented the exchange.
"Will you meet me here tomorrow morning at 6:00 a.m? I'm putting together a show with a
unique group of people specifically chosen by me," Bob Luke said, I'm setting up a showcase with
the participants I liked the most.
I was desired by the most sought-after representative at the event. I was getting well recognized
and that was my chance to get out there and let people see what I could really do.
Yes, I'll definitely come meet you! I replied eagerly.
"Alright, perfect. Come speak with me after the auditions are over. Thank you, he said
appreciatively and returned to his seat on the judge stand to observe the remaining performances.

The remaining dancers moved with precision and grace. Some dancers appeared to maneuver
with such purpose and experience that I didn't understand how my reception was held on a higher
pedestal than they. There was so much talent, so much ability, so many dreams waiting for their
chance to sparkle and shine. No one else possessed the ability to break dance, I figured that was
what made me stand out. I was the only one to represent my genre of dance.
When it came time for the vocal talent, artists with beautiful voices sang and exerted their
emotion into every song. You could tell that these performers felt ever word that came out of their
mouth.
One girl stuck out more then the rest with her captivating voice. She had short brown hair and
wore an attractive red dress which exposed her shoulders and back. Impressively, she was a young
girl thirteen years of age who could hit notes as high as Christina Aguilera. By the audience
reaction, she was favorite among the event. like me.
A few more vocalists hit the stage and that concluded the showcase.
That's the remainder of our participants. Good job to everyone who performed today, we
enjoyed your performances, the MC spoke, if we could have everyone make their way out of the
main auditorium so we can set up for the dance. The dance starts at 8:00 p.m and we'd love to see
you there. We also have our brunch and callbacks starting at 9:00 a.m tomorrow morning.
Goodnight everyone!
When the crowd started to disperse, I went to look for Bob Luke and noticed the thirteen year old
vocalist digging through her purse on one of the seats. I decided to compliment her on the amazing
voice.
Hey, good job up there. Where'd you learn to sing?
Oh, thank you! she replied, raising her head, just on my own.
That's amazing. I don't know anyone that can sing quite like you.
Yeah, I'm not sure how I do it. I just open my mouth and out comes sound! she giggled.
I laughed at her remark. I'm Jordan, by the way.
I'm Kristina, she smiled.
A hand appeared on my shoulder and I spun around to find Bob Luke standing behind me.
Breakdancer, I see you've found 3077 for me, he stated. I found it kind of vague that Bob Luke
called us by our numbers rather then learning our names. Bob began making Kristina the same offer
he had made me not so long ago.
I'll do it, she told him with excitement.
Great, Bob said, the show is over so if you'll both come with me I can explain to you what
we're going to be doing tomorrow."
Bob led us in front of the stand as dozens more joined us. I recognized everyone in the select
group because they were all on the stage within the last few hours.
Thank you all for choosing to participant in my show, Bob Luke told everyone, I'm putting
this extended showcase together to show off the best of the talented. I've seen what you can do and I
have something specific in mind for you all. I want the singers and the dancers to separate into two
groups." We had spread out into the separate groups and Bob continued, We're going to create the

story of a young girl. She is nerdy and wants to fit in with the popular group. Singers, you will be
the nerdy group and dancers, you will be the popular group. The objective of the dancers is to try to
show the young girl how to be cool. She's not going to succeed but instead propose that there
doesn't need to be a line seperating popular from nerdy. The 'cool' dancers and the 'nerdy' singers
are going to join forces to bring song and dance together. Does everyone understand the story?
The majority of singers and dancers either said yes aloud or shook their head to confirm Bob's
question.
Good, I've selected participant 3077 to be our young nerdy girl. You've got the lead.
Oh my god, Kristina said aloud covering her mouth with her hands, seriously?
Yes, Bob smiled. Now that everyone has a general idea of what's going on you're free to go,
except for 3077, I need a little extra time for you.
I left the auditorium to join the masses that collected in the outer room. I located Lee and we
decided to use our free time to interact before the arranged celebration. Lee and I mingled with the
crowd and it brought me to an interesting observation. Everyone was here for a similar cause: to be
noticed, be discovered and to hopefully accomplish something with their talent. When you bring so
many people together supporting a similar cause, it feels like a family.
A group of participants formed within minutes and peers began performing, not for the
recognition of industry representatives, but for the recognition of each other. We formed a circle and
everyone took turns performing in the center of the room. Whether it was their ability to sing, to
dance, or to act, everyone did their part. Other dancers, singers, models, and actors with funny and
positive personalities were there doing what they did best. I eventually jumped on top of a table in
the middle of room and did a hand stand on the edge. Even the MC took an interest in what was
going on and began beat boxing me a rhythm while I showed off. A couple Asian girls nicknamed
me Jackie Chan for my acrobatic movements.
I was enjoying myself. It hardly felt like any time had passed until the doors to the auditorium reopened. Flashing colours ignited out of the room as the music started. The mass entered the
auditorium with energy, giving the place some exuberance.
Many of the models jumped onto the runway and began doing walks and poses above the dance
floor. Lee and I watched the models for a few minutes and then Lee urged me to get on the dance
floor with him.
I walked into the middle and began tossing together some moves. It didn't take long until a
dense group formed around me. I was receiving compliments left and right and a few girls decided
to sandwich me as I was dancing. Lee happened to have met Rachel and he was grinding against
her.
Hey, Jordan! She said I was a really good grinder! Lee announced pointing in front of him with
a big smile on his face. I laughed.
During the dance, it seemed like I was literally being handed women. I lost count of how many
beautiful models were rubbing against me and I was loving it.
I had never felt complete enlightenment before, but that was it. I felt more proud and happy with
myself then I ever had. Just when I thought everything was perfect, it got better.
I had noticed one very specific girl who vastly stood out of the crowd. She was all by herself,

moving her hips in a gentle rhythm. She had beautiful brown eyes, brown hair that complimented
those eyes, a glowing smile and notable white teeth. I continuously glanced at her, drawn in by her
beauty. She looked like she was radiating just as much energy that I felt I had.
Should I make a move on this girl? I asked Lee.
"Go for it!" he encouraged, "shes really pretty."
With all the outstanding success I've had tonight, how could I not have the courage to go talk to
her, I fathomed to myself. I hesitated for a moment and then willingly approached her.
"Hey, I think you're absolutely gorgeous! Do you want to dance?" I said loudly over the music.
She smiled her gorgeous smile and asked, Really? with surprise.
Yes," I replied instantly.
Her smile secretly whispered flattery to me.
Sure! Hold on though, I need to go talk to a friend and I'll be right back. she exclaimed.
Several enduring minutes ticked away. I began feeling discouraged. She isn't interested and made
an excuse to get away, I rationalized. I smiled with a dominant thought; I'm enjoying myself too
much to let this discourage me.
I saw Kristina and began making my way through the mass to her.
Unexpectedly, the girl I asked to dance had intercepted me.
"Hey, I'm back. Do you want to dance now?" she asked with a smile.
"Yes," I smiled back.
She wrapped her arms around me as we began moving back and forth inside the crowd. I gave
her a couple spins and she turned her back to me and pressed backward against me. I enjoyed
having her in my embrace. I led her away from the dance floor to a more isolated spot so I could
talk to her.
"Whats your name?" I asked
"Jordan," she replied, "yours?"
I was in complete and utter disbelief. This incredible girl had the same name as me.
"Jordan," I replied.
"Yeah, whats yours?" she asked again, not realizing that I had answered her question.
"Jordan," I said again and laughed, "my name is Jordan too."
No way! How old are you?
I'm fifteen, yourself?
I'm fourteen, but my birthday is less than two weeks away.
Jordan Fordyce wanted to get a drink and we continued learning about each other as we walked
just outside of the auditorium. We grabbed some styrofoam cups and filled them with water,
watching the air bubbles float to the top of the jug.
So that's the really cute guy who asked you to dance, a vivid blonde said from behind us.

Leah! Fordyce scolded as her face turned bright red.

I guessed she was the friend Jordan went to talk to before she came to dance with me.
This is my friend, Leah, Fordyce introduced.
So did you kiss her yet? Leah asked, directing the question towards me.
None of your business, I said smoothly, smirking at the idea.
Hey, shes like my sister. I have to look out for her, Leah said playfully as she hugged my
female counterpart.
Jordan and Leah had an over the top girl chat with heightened voices and girly giggles. I leaned
against the table sipping on my water while observing in astonishment.
Do you want to come sit down? Fordyce asked, extending her hand to me.
We found ourselves some black leather chairs at the far end of the room and comfortably laid
back into them.
So what did you audition for? Fordyce asked me, other then dancing, I saw you break dancing
and you're really good!
I took the compliment and told her, I also auditioned for acting. I did a commercial this
morning.
Really? How did you do?
I think I did pretty good. I'll see if I get any call backs tomorrow. What did you two do?
I was just in modeling. Leah too, Fordyce replied.
You should do your commercial for us, Leah insisted.
Yeah, I want to see how good you are, Fordyce added.
I was a little shy at first, but she had talked me into it. After I recited my lines to her she gave me
a simple nod and said, "I'd buy it."
For the next hour we talked about our goals and our reasons for being there. I told her how I was
an aspiring young actor trying to make it in the film industry and she told me about how she
dreamed of being a model.
Time flew by and I lost myself in conversation with Jordan and Leah. Eventually they asked for
my contact information. We couldn't find anything to write on so we had all exchanged and wrote
our information on the back of our numbered tags.

Well, I want to go back in and dance now. I'll leave you two alone, said Leah before leaving
for the auditorium. Jordan got up from her seat, sat down in my lap, put her arm around my neck,
and raised her legs over mine.
I felt a passionate fire within Jordan Fordyce's demeanor like a metropolitan twilight teaming
with life and activity.
Even Leah likes you. That's saying something, Jordan complimented.
There's a lot I can say about you.
Like what?
You're gorgeous, beautiful, sweet.
Luring? Jordan asked as her face moved closer to mine.
Very
Am I enchanting?
Yes.
Good.
Would you like to kiss me? I asked, our faces so close I could whisper to her.
Maybe, she replied under her breath.
Lets find out, I said as I pressed my lips against hers in an instant.
I had completely lost any sense of time as a heart-warming shock fluttered through my chest.
The night was nearing 11:00 p.m. and I had remembered that I needed to get up for 5:00 a.m to
get back and ready for the Disney director. I felt saddened that I had to leave for the opportunity

when all I wanted to do was stay with the girl. We ended the night with a serious lip-lock and I told
her to look for me tomorrow.
Little did I know, falling in love with this girl would trigger a chain reaction in my life for years
to come.

The Backflip

I stood in the middle of the field, contemplated the maneuver, then jumped up as high as possible
throwing my weight backward. I landed in the soil with my chest making a thud.
I gasped for air as it felt like someone had punched me in the gut. I regained my breath, stood up
again, and attempted the back flip once more.
Thud
My chest smacked into the ground again and knocked the air out of me.
Without giving myself a chance to feel discouraged, I tossed myself into the air again; faster that
time. I stuck my arms out to shield my chest. No loud thud, instead a shock rippled up my arms. I
had landed on my palms and knees.
I didn't have enough time to beat gravity to the chase. I looked around trying to figure out how to
pull off the stunt. Unable to think of a way, I went home scraped up and bruised. The next morning I
returned to the field making continuous attempts to accomplish the impressive maneuver.
I pushed past the pain with my determination stemming from motivation. The ability wasn't
going to escape me regardless of the physical pain it forced me to endure.
I observed my surrounding once more and drew my attention toward a stone wall at the outskirts
of the field. If I didn't have enough time to make a full rotation before I hit the ground, than surely
jumping from a higher place would give me the time I sought after.
I climbed upon the wall, feeling a small sense of danger. But I wasn't going to gain anything
without risking something. I turned my back to the eight foot drop and leaned backward off the
ledge. Adrenaline poured through me and I spun my body in the mid air, completed a full rotation,
but in that moment, I lost control. I rotated too far. A massive thud erupted from my body as I
landed on my back sending a shudder through my spine.
I slowly walked home bent forward, holding my back in defeat. In the morning my back was still
sore but manageable. I returned to the field, climbed upon the stone wall and continued jumping off
of it. Three days of calculating, tweaking, and adjusting, I landed my first back flip. I tried it again.
I landed my second back flip, then my third, fourth, tenth. I repeated the sequence until it was
branded into my memory. Then I played with it, I gave it a twist, I closed my eyes and spread my
arms jumping backward flipping at the last possible moment.
The ability was mine. I had earned it.

Chapter 3
An Unfinished Goodbye

My alarm clock erupted with that infamous buzzing noise. I grunted as I rolled over and pressed
Snooze on the clock. I'm just going to rest my eyes for five more minutes, I thought to myself as I
started drifting back to sleep. No! Got to wake up, big day! I grunted as I lifted myself out of bed. It
was brutal mustering up the energy after so few hours of rest.
I took a quick shower, brushed my teeth, put on my most flattering clothes and headed out to the
cab. As I converged with the downtown core, the streets were almost completely empty. It was so
peaceful compared to the previous day where my cab driver had to fight through traffic to get me to
my destination.
By 5:00 a.m, I reached the conference centre, travelled down the many escalators and walked
into the lobby outside the main auditorium. I noticed Rachel sleeping on one of the couches Jordan
Fordyce and I were sitting on previously, I figured she spent the night there. I walked over to
Randy's establish to find he hadn't arrived yet. I looked up at a notice on the wall that read: 'Be here
at 5:00 sharp. Don't be late!' signed Randy. I stood there waiting for about 20 minutes before Randy
and his team arrived. They walked in carrying duffel bags and began emptying make up and hair
products onto their work stations.
Jordan, you were here before five weren't you. Good boy, I like people who listen.
Funny coming from a man who was just late.
Lucas had me sit down in his chair while consulting Randy on what he should do this time.
Today we're going for a more natural look, Randy notified his team.
After my hair and makeup was done, the place seemed to get a bit livelier with people.
I walked to the doors of the main auditorium and explained to the security guard that Bob Luke
requested me. He unlocked the door for me and let me in. I spotted Bob Luke already speaking to a
few performers. Bob asked me to wait till the rest of the dancers arrived. When we had all arrived,
Bob got straight to work.
Alright, listen up everyone, we have just two hours before we open the doors. Everyone needs
to be in place and know what to do by then. Singers come with me backstage." Half the group
disappeared behind the curtains and we dancers sat down, socializing until we were required.

Bob Luke addressing his select group.

Hundreds of tables were being placed throughout the auditorium. I felt the nerves kicking in
again and knew those tables would soon be filled with people watching me. I didn't mind too much,
I only wanted to impress one set of eyes after last night.
Anthony came and sat down among us, he was an athletic man who had helped Randy during the
preliminary audition process. He had a small resemblence to Channing Tatum. I met him when
Randy first came to my hometown to audition me. Anthony knew pop'n'lock and Bob asked him
help out in the show.
I should've slept an extra hour before coming here, he never does anything with the dancers till
at least 6:00! Anthony claimed.
Really, I could've used some extra sleep, I replied, resting my head on the table.
Rachel came over to greet everyone and saw me, Hey, you were chosen as well? she asked me
in awe. It turned out Bob asked her to dance in the show alongside me. It seemed we would get to
perform together after all.
After 6:00 a.m, the director called a specific three dancers to the stage. Anthony, Rachel, and
myself. Bob gave us very quick and precise instructions with one practice run.
Our singer, Kristina, Bob Luke began, will be dancing in the middle of the stage here and
when she trips over this stool, Bob gestured to the stool in the middle of the stage, that's when I
want the three of you to come out on stage and dance in the background. When she finishes her
song I'm going to play your individual audition tracks you provided from your previous
performance. When your song comes up that's when I want you to step forward individually and do
a solo in front of Kristina. Except for you, Bob finished as he pointed to me, You're going to
come in towards the end of Anthony's audio track. I'm going to give you a cue and that's when I

want you to do one of those flips.

Bob and I stood on stage for a few minutes discussing what he wanted me to do on stage
specifically, and where he would sit in the audience so I could know where to look for my cue.
Alright, lets do it once! Bob insisted.
We ran through the number a single time and Bob let us go while he moved onto his next set.
Bob quickly finished with his last set of performers and the show was to begin in a half hour.
Alright everyone, gather in around me, Bob shouted as we formed a semi-circle to him. I could
tell he was getting ready to give a pep talk. Ready or not, you're all performers! You are here to put
on a show and should always be ready to work under pressure. If you are chosen to work with any
company represented here this will be one of the first things you learn.
Bob instructed one of the security guards to open the doors and let people in as he took a seat.
All performers including myself stepped behind the curtains and awaited for the show to begin. The
auditorium started flooding with people and they had begun to occupy the tables. When the area had
become congested, the MC of the event presented himself on stage and talked about how we were
chosen to be in the performance.
Over the past two days of auditions we noticed some remarkable talent! Many of you will be
contacted and many of you will receive jobs. I, unfortunately, have to say many of you will not.
This doesnt mean that we didnt like you or that you werent good enough. It just means that you
arn't what we are looking for at this time. I encourage you all to keep working at your art and
continue to pursue your dreams. We had some outstanding performers that we auditioned and would
like to present them to you once more. Enjoy the show! the MC finished.
The lights dimmed and the show began. The first set placed themselves on stage and started
singing in a gentle rhythm. After a moment they jumped into some pop music and began jumping
around the stage to get the audience going.
Every set did an outstanding job with their unique talent as great rounds of applause reverberated
through the auditorium.
About eight sets in, Kristina stepped out from the curtains and unleashed her vocals to the
audience. She began singing about how she needed to be popular and began tripping over her own
feet and intentionally made her voice crack as she was directed to act nerdy and clumsy.
Now it was we, the dancers, time to step up. The three of us stepped out from the curtains,
Anthony's hip hop remix came into play and he moved center stage, took Kristina's hand and
motioned her to copy him. Kristina mimicked Anthony's moves in a sloppy and off balance style.
I occasionally looked through the countless eyes staring towards the stage in hope of finding the
girl I shared so much intimacy with the previous night. Unfortunately, I couldn't spend too much
time searching for her when I had to keep my focus. I concentrated on making a flawless
performance since the people I was performing for had doubled since the last time I stood on the
stage.
Bob Luke cued me from the audience. I ran to the end of the stage building momentum and let
myself fly into a soaring backflip. Rachel jumped in after me and showed off her moves. Our dance
number came to a finish with roaring applause.

After the performance, the agent interviews were next in line for the event. This was possibly the
most enticing part of the convention. This was when we got to find out if we would be offered
employment from an agency or know if an agent wants to take us on.
The call-backs were finally posted and I went to view them, my eyes searching in anticipation
for my number to be listed on the board. Sure enough, I had two call backs: one for Bob Luke
Studios based in Manhatten, New York and one for Carolyn Acting Agencies based in Toronto,
Ontario.
I eagerly went to meet with those who had interest in my abilities. I entered a largely congested
room that was outlined with rectangular tables. Each table represented a company. I got into the line
up for Bob Luke and waited for a one on one interview with him.
After a short period of time, I looked over to the line up parallel to mine. Right across from me
was Jordan Fordyce. She looked over, made eye contact, and formed a glowing smile.
There you are, I said happily, stepping out of my line for a moment.
Hey, I saw you on stage earlier, you were so good! she said excitedly as she gave me a tight
hug.
I thanked her appreciatively and asked if she had received any call backs. She hadn't received
any. The agents told her she was too short, didn't have the right measurements, but had
complimented her vivid white teeth and told her that with some improvement she could be just the
model they were looking for. She seemed to have taken the feedback quite negatively.
They have no idea what they're talking about, I told her, they're passing up the best model that
could ever take part in their agency. Look at you, you're absolutely stunning.
The smile she had from hearing those words were memorable. I had never seen a girl look more
attractive than when she was smiling, it was even more true in her case.
"I have to meet with Bob Luke," I told her, "and then an agent from Carolyn Acting Agencies. As
soon as I'm done, meet me in the lobby? We'll hang out."
"Yes, I'd love that! And let me know how your meetings go."
After our short discussion, I took a seat in front of Bob Luke's table. Bob Luke finally learned
my name and took a look at the headshots and acting resume I presented to him. He started giving
me instructions instead of interviewing me.
Bob Luke made it clear that he wasn't interested in my acting ability but only in my dancing.
This was a little disappointing due to the fact that dance was a secondary goal for me, however, I
wasn't about to be picky. Even a moment in the industry would be sufficient for me.
Disney is an American based company in the United States. I lived in Canada and they would not
allow Canadians to work in the states without prior and notable experience. Bob Luke knew this,
and had given me his email and personal cell phone number, telling me that when I acquired enough
experience in my own country to work in the United States, I can contact him and we can talk about
a job offering.
Then I went to Carolyn Acting Agencies from Toronto. An agent named Catherine with black
hair and thick rimmed glasses told me that I stood out while doing my commercial. She sat there
looking me up and down while chewing on the end of her pen. She further told me that she liked the

highs and lows in my voice and that I had a unique look. However, it turned out her company
wanted me to move to Toronto to be signed to their agency. Another downfall for me as I was only
fifteen and my parents would not be willing to move to Toronto. She was going to show other
agents my headshots to see if anyone was willing to represent me for taped auditions to send out to
other cities, but I shouldn't hold my breath.
It seemed to be for nothing that I had come to the city of Edmonton, spending over a thousand of
my savings to take my chances with the industry. I felt even more discouraged as a young AfricanAmerican shot up from his seat in a nearby line and shouted out to the public in glory, I just got
signed to Sony Records!
It wasn't all a waste though, I immensely enjoyed my time during the event and met an amazing
girl who appeared to be my female counterpart; a girl who even shared the same name as I. Walking
away with a new found confidence in my ability wasn't something to underestimate either.
After the call backs, I spoke to Rachel. It turned out she had been offered a role in an upcoming
Disney project called "Hannah Montana." She was told that it was a family program directed
towards children. Rachel didn't want to be a part of a childrens show but later regretted it as it
turned out to be a big hit.
I found Jordan Fordyce in the lobby waiting for me.
"Hey, how'd it go?" Fordyce asked.
"It was an unfortunate turn out. They wanted to offer me opportunities that required things I
couldn't offer."
You're kidding me, right? You were practically famous at this event and you got nothing? she
stated in shock.
Seems so, I said in a discouraged tone.
Awe, don't worry, Jordan. I know talent when I see it and I know you'll be famous one day.
Thank you, I smiled, And you have every bit of my confidence that you will be an
outstanding model some day.
No, I think this it for me, this was my only chance. I begged my parents to let me come here for
this. They won't dish out the money for it ever again. I don't think I want to go through the
disappointment of being told I'm not good enough again either.
I felt so sad for her. Everything she wanted to be was a model and here are the people able to
grant that to her. Instead of doing so, they tell her she isn't good enough. But I suppose that's how
the industry worked; you have to become what others want you to be in order to get somewhere. We
want perfect, you're not perfect, too bad, next!
Fordyce and I made our way up the escalators, walked across the main auditorium and emerged
into the frosty atmosphere it got very cold that far north in October. We stood on a huge
concrete balcony that ran along the south perimeter of the structure. We had a great view of the city
and were alone with privacy.
We observed some skateboarders below us and watched one wipe out as he attempted grinding
on a rail. He landed flat on his ass. Fordyce and I burst into laughter and took a few steps back
because the some of the skaters looked up and noticed us laughing at them. We spent time sharing

our jokes and laughter. It was hard not to smile in her presence. We talked about our pet peeves that
both lead us to the topic of our sisters.
I'm so not looking forward to the return trip, Fordyce complained, having to listen to my
younger sister sing along to every female song on the stereo gives me such a headache.
No way, I laughed, my sister does the exact same thing. There's some decent songs that I
probably would've liked, but then my sister spends hours at a time singing out to the same tracks
over and over again. It kind ruins the song for you.
I know! Fordyce exclaimed with rapport. My sister has a terrible voice too, she can't sing at
all.
We'll enough about dislikes, what are some of the things you enjoy? I asked changing the
subject.
I love basketball and drinking, she laughed, I'm a party girl and I'm almost always out with
my friends or at basketball practice.
Fordyce's phone dinged and she pulled it out of her back pocket to view the text message.
I have to go soon, Fordyce said sadly. Do you live here? Because my family comes here quite
often.
No, I live in British Columbia, in a small town called Nelson.
Great, I finally meet a cute guy and he lives ten-thousand miles away.
I blushed at her remark.
Where exactly do you live? I asked.
Grimshaw, no one has like ever heard of it, she replied, you don't seem like a small town boy.
You seem like a city boy.
Well, I love the city. I feel like I was made for it, I told her as I began looking out at all the
skyscrapers, it feels so big, there's so much to do! Most of all, it's the opportunities here. I feel like
I can go somewhere. In Nelson, I don't have a whole lot going for me. I wanted to make it so bad at
this event because I don't ever want to go back to my life in B.C."
"Come on! It can't be that bad? You're super cute, you can breakdance, act. You must have so
much going for you in your town."
"Sometimes I wonder why I feel so out of my league there. No one would believe me if I told
them I had the company of a girl like you."
"Well, you're amazing. And we're going to meet again. I'll make sure of it."
I looked into her eyes and they were captivating. These were perhaps the last moments I would
ever get to look into her perfect brown eyes. But I found comfort in her promise to meet again. I
believed I met the most stunning girl of my life and time with her had been cut so short. I wanted to
kiss her and her body language invited it in every way, but my nerves got the better of me.
The awful ringing of her phone went off. Fordyce answered the phone and replied with multiple
'Uh huh's' and 'Okay's' and then hung up. That was my mom. My ride back to Grimshaw is ready,
she said gravely.
We walked back inside the Shaw Conference Centre and began making our way across the

auditorium. Many employee's were all over the place putting away the tables, and packing up all the
equipment. I hated to see everything be cleared out. It made the fact that my incredible adventure
being over more definite.
I glanced at Fordyce and knew I couldn't let my nerves take one last kiss from me.
Hold on! I demanded.
She turned to face me and I swiftly grabbed her around the waist and kissed her passionately. She
wrapped one arm around me and brought her hand to the back of my head while intertwining her
lips with mine. Her kiss revealed all the tension that had built up while on the balcony. After a few
moments we stepped out of each others grasps.
Im going to miss you, I said quietly.
Don't worry, she replied in a breathless whisper. "You're not going to make me fall for you and
then tell me goodbye."
I walked her to the front entrance of the building and it was silent for nearly the whole way there.
It seemed that we were both afraid of the word goodbye slipping out of our mouth. As we reached
the front entrance, we found her mom standing just outside with a car. Fordyce looked at her
mother, than looked at me, gave me a quick kiss, then disappeared through the entrance without a
word. Her eyes stayed locked on mine as we stared at each other through the glass walls. She got
into the vehicle and then she was gone.
I walked to the nearest pay phone to call a cab.

Jordan Fordyce and I at the Canadian Showcase of Model & Talent

Chapter 4
The Delinquents of Edmonton

Before I had a chance to dial in the number for a cab, a familar voice greeted me from behind.
"Lee! How's it going?" I greeted back.
"Good! I'm meeting up with some friends and going to a party tonight. You gotta come!"
"I'm absolutely in!"
Lee had a 1988 Toyota Supra parked a few blocks away. We raced around the city with the
windows rolled down and great tunes on the stereo. He would burn rubber at the intersections at
holler at cute girls on the sidewalks. Lee loved the new freedom his driver license and car gave him.
Lee hadn't been driving long, he was fifteen and in Alberta you could attain a class 7 driver
license at the age of fourteen. Much earlier than the age in British Columbia that was set to sixteen.
Lee took me to the city's hot spots claiming he wanted to teach me how to pick up girls. And I'll
be damned, he was good at it. I'd never known the kind of courage to walk up to any girl and start
chatting with them before getting a phone number. Lee opened a set of two sixteen year old girls
and we bought smoothies with them before seeing a movie at the cinema. Instant date!
After the double date ended, Lee got a call and explained we were going to meet up with his
friend, Nick. Nick was tall, wore a white hat and had long bleached hair. He seemed like a very
friendly guy. After meeting Nick at his residence, Lee told Nick that he had to go pick his girlfriend
up from work and then we going to go find something fun to do if he was interested.
Nick accepted the offer and jumped into his dark blue Toyota Matrix. Lee and I got back into the
Supra, pulling out onto the road, with Nick following. Suddenly Lee slammed on his brakes coming
to a full stop. Nick panicked and slammed on his own brakes before he rear ended us. Just then he
pulled right around Lee and I, speeding away from us. Lee crushed his foot to the gas to keep up
and then Nick's brake lights flashed on and Lee slammed on his brakes again.
What the heck is going on? I asked in bewilderment.
This is brake tag, Lee explained.
What happens if one of you hit eachother? I asked.
Oh, the insurance company will just pay it out, he laughed.
After the game of brake tag, Lee pulled out onto the highway with Nick following again.
Lee's phone had started to ring and he answered it. I could make out a girl's voice on the other
end of the conversation. Lee's face cringed with anger and his voice became hostile.
But I'm already on my way...I don't care! Tell him I'm already coming...that's not the fucking
point, it's the fact that he's your ex-boyfriend...don't fucking tell me that, I know he wants you
back...oh, so I'm an unreasonably dick? FUCK!" Lee screamed while throwing his phone into the

door where it made a loud smack. I observed him in silence not knowing if it would be better to stay
silent or try to comfort him.
The engines purr grew louder and louder as Lee's foot slowly descended upon the gas pedal. I
looked out the window to see the trees and lines on the road blurring by faster than I ever had. I
quickly glanced at the speedometer that reached one-hundred-sixty kilometres and then I looked
over my shoulder to see if Nick was keeping up but he was nowhere in sight. Lee's phone began
ringing again but he completely ignored it. The angry look on Lee's face remained and the vehicle
began swaying into other lanes until Lee continuously corrected the loss of control. He was fifteen,
he'd only been driving for a few months, he lacked experience and I knew this wasn't safe.
"You should slow down," I told Lee. This seemed to have pissed him off more as the engine
roared more loudly. The speedometer now read 200 kph. "Slow down," I told Lee again, "slow
down." Lee remained ignorant to my demands. "Slow the fuck down!" I screamed.
Lee looked at me quickly like he'd just snapped out of a trance, he glanced back to the road and
began slowing the vehicle down. Lee was traveling ten kilometres below the speed limit when he
directed the car around a curve in the highway. Two police cruisers sped right by with their lights
flashing.
"Holy shit! Lee stammered in awe. Dude, you're my fucking lucky charm! If you didn't make
me slow down just now, I would've lost my drivers license. Fuck that was intense! 'm getting off
the highway."
He turned off at the next overpass.
Lee drove to his girlfriend's neighbourhood and parked in front of her house. Nick pulled up
beside Lee. Nick rolled down his window to communicate. "Where the hell did you guys go? I was
pulling one-fifty trying to keep up with you guys and you just disappeared. Then I saw two cop cars
pull onto the highway and I was like 'Oh shit, I hope their not chasing you.'"
"I was going two-hundred, man, and those cops were chasing us! I slowed down really fast
around this curve and then like ten seconds later the cops flew right by us! Their radars were
probably picking me up, I slowed down just in time so I bet they thought whoever they were
chasing was way the fuck ahead. Anyway, I need to go talk to my girlfriend. Be right back."
Lee stepped out of the car and ran up to a duplex's doorstep. A girl opened the door and stepped
onto the doorstep with Lee. I could hear their voices arguing but they were too distant to make out
words.
The arguing was not a good sign and I knew if Lee returned to the car in a heated moment of
frustration he would likely be driving like a lunatic once again. I stepped out of the car and knocked
on Nick's window. Nick unlocked the car and let me in.
"You don't mind if I drive with you do you?" I asked.
"You can drive with me, but whats going on?" Nick said concerned.
"Can you hear them?" I asked referring to the argument between Lee and his girlfriend.
"Yeah, doesn't sound like it's going well."
"Yeah, I'd prefer not to drive with Lee when he's pissed off. Going two-hundred on the highway,
he seemed to have had trouble controlling the vehicle and he wouldn't slow down. He kind of

freaked me out."
"Oh fuck! Yeah, you're driving with me for the rest of the night. I know Lee likes to drive fast but
when he's like that, I know there's only one thing on his mind and it isn't the road. He's had a lot of
close calls from pulling shit like that. What was he pissed off from?"
"From the sounds of his phone conversation, I think it was because his girlfriend was getting a
ride home with someone named Tyler and she didn't want to wait an extra thirty minutes for Lee."
"Oh, yeah! Tyler is her ex-boyfriend. Lee hates him."
"So how often does he drive like a maniac?"
"All the time. Like two weeks ago he was pushing over two-hundred kilometres per hour on the
stretch toward the airport, way too much for a car like that, and we all told him to take it easy. He
wouldn't listen. One of his tires got a flat and we had to throw on the spare. After that he was
pushing two-hundred again on the way home. It was stupid!"
Lee and his girlfriend's voices became stressed and even louder. We could make them out clearly
now.
"If you fucking dare touch Tyler, I promise you, I will never talk to you again," Lee's girlfriend
screamed.
"Fuck you, I know you're fucking him behind my back! He's driving you home almost every
night now! You're probably fucking him in the backseat seat, you fucking whore!" Lee raged,
stomping back to the Supra.
Lee's girlfriend flipped Lee off and screamed at Lee's back before she went back inside
slamming the door behind her. Nick rolled down his window again and asked if Lee was okay. Lee
jumped into the Supra without a word and sped out of the parking lot with tires screeching. A loud
thunk erupted from Lee's car as he clipped a truck on his way out and sped down the street before
disappearing.
Nick and I pulled out into the neighbourhood streets and we drove around for a while
ambivalently until Lee had called Nick. An exchange of words went down and Nick explained that
Lee wanted us to meet him at a girl named Monica's house, that he wasn't going to let his girlfriend
ruin the night.
Nick and I pulled into high class neighbourhood home. We jumped out of the car and Lee was
already there knocking on the door. Monica answered and invited us all in. I introduced myself to
Monica. Monica had about twenty guests inside her house and they were having quite the party. A
bong and a few bags of weed laid on the living room coffee table and downstairs in the basement
young girls were popping pills of ecstasy.
Nick went into a bedroom and jumped on the bed. I turned on the light and saw a dresser lined
with picture frames containing photos of a middle aged couple. It wasn't hard to figure out that this
was Monica's parent's bedroom.
"What are you doing?" I asked in bewilderment.
"I wonder if they're still there," Nick said as he reached his arm into the crack between the bed
and the wall. Nick pulled up a pair of pink lacy lingerie. "You've got to be kidding me!" Nick
laughed and rolled over on the bed, "They're still here!"

"Did you sleep with Monica's mom?" I laughed.

"No, Monica threw a party last weekend and I slept with my ex-girlfriend here. We broke up two
days ago. She complained that she couldn't find her panties after the party," he replied with a big
grin. He held up her panties like a trophy and threw them at me.
"Dirty!" I shouted as I ducked and they hit the wall. "What was her name?" I asked with
curiosity.
"Lexi. Shit, I got an idea! Nick exclaimed as he ran up stairs.
Curious to know what he was up to, I followed him and he had asked Monica if she had any
hairspray.
Yeah, why?
Just get me some. You'll see.
Monica entered her bathroom and returned to hand Nick the hairspray. He ran outside while
Monica, Lee and I joined him. He pulled a lighter out of his pocket and created a flame thrower.
Lee, hold these, Nick demanded while holding up Lexi's panties.
Lee walked over and held them up in his hand. Nick sent flames hurdling all over the lace but
couldn't get them to ignite.
Give them here, I demanded while taking the panties from Lee and the hairspray from Nick. I
began spraying hairspray all over the panties until they were soaked in the flammable liquid. Now
try, I encouraged.
Nick took the hairspray back from me and I held Lexi's panties in the air. Fire spiraled into the
air and the lace ignited. I dropped the panties to the ground and watched them burn into a black
crisp. Lee sat there with his camera phone recording the whole thing.
Did you get that? Nick asked Lee.
Lee nodded and Nick instructed Lee to send the video to Lexi with a message attached: I found
your panties, here they are! This represents our official break up!
Nick, Lee and I chuckled humorously.
We drove back to Lee's house. Lee, Nick and I sat in Lee's basement as he made a phone call to a
friend. Lee called up a friend in hope for him to join us that night. "What...you're in Calgary...you're
on a greyhound? When is it arriving in Edmonton? Okay, we'll pick you up and we can cause havoc
on this town!" he laughed. "Okay," Lee explained after he got off the phone, "My friend Cody says
his neighbour is being an asshole to him and he's like my best friend. We're going to prank the shit
out of Cody's neighbour tonight before he comes back to Edmonton in two hours as a homecoming
gift."
The three of us spent nearly an hour trying to brainstorm of things to do to Cody's neighbour.
Nick nor Lee could come up with any ideas. I suggested that we could buy some silicon or a puddy
like substance and fill the neighbours door locks with it. It would eventually harden and destroy the
locks making the owner have to replace them.
"Fuck, that's why I love this guy," Lee said to Nick, "what else?"
"Lee, do you have any dog shit?" Nick asked.

"Yeah. I got piles of it in the back yard," Lee replied.

"Well, remember what you did to Dominique's place last summer? Lets pour a shit load of dog
shit onto Cody's neighbours doorstep..."
"And light it on fire!" Lee interrupted.
"Okay, sounds good. Lets do it," I clapped in excitement, we need something else though.
Tampons!
Tampons? Nick asked strangely.
And ketchup, I replied, make about half a dozen tampons look used and splatter them onto the
house.
Lee ran upstairs, grabbed a garbage bag and went into his backyard. Lee had Nick and I help
him shovel roughly forty pounds of frozen dog shit into the bag.
We agreed it would attract less attention to take one vehicle. We placed the huge bag of dog shit
into the back of the Nick's Matrix. Nick and I sat in the front and forced Lee to sit in the back
closest to the dog shit since it was his idea to use it.
Nick started the engine and Lee burst out of the car leaving his door wide open and ran into his
house so fast that it appeared he was trying to escape imminent danger, he had come running back
out with a jar of honey and jumped back into the car and closed his door.
What's with the honey? I asked oddly.
To make the tampons sticky, he laughed.
I guess that works, I replied, laughing at how dramatically he had to get the honey.
Nick pulled out onto the street and sped out back onto the highway.
Here's Cody's address, Lee said handing a ripped piece of paper to Nick.
Okay, I know where that is, Nick told Lee.
Nick pulled off the highway and into the parking lot of a Walmart. The three of us entered the
store and grabbed some tampons, ketchup, and Lee shoplifted some energy drinks for good
measure.
Lee grabbed an energy drink and stuck it inside his jacket pocket. Lee looked around for people
suspiciously and grabbed another, then a third.
Shit, that camera just totally saw me jack those. Lee scoffed. I looked up and found a camera
above.
If we beep, I don't know you guys! Nick joked.
If we beep, I'm going to tell them you planted them on me! Lee laughed.
So who's going to pay for these? Nick asked while tossing the bag of tampons to me.
I'm sure Lee can manage to stuff them into his jacket, I joked, alright, I'll buy them.
At the till, the cashier had given me a dirty look. Maybe it was the tampons, maybe it was the
ketchup with the tampons. The cashier just seemed very awkward about my purchase.
After heading onto the other side of the city, Nick pulled up in a quiet neighbourhood. There was

a house on both sides of Cody's place.

So which one is it? Nick asked.
Shit, I never thought to ask, Lee replied.
After some thought we decided to go for the house on the right. Lee and I scouted out the
property to make a tactical plan. The front windows had metal shutters which foiled our initial plans
to an extent.
Lee and I climbed over a fence and scouted the backyard. The rear windows of the house didn't
have shutters. (An open target.)
Lee and I had returned to the car and Nick has already begun slathering ketchup and honey all
over the tampons. He laid them down nicely lined up along the curb outside the passenger door.
Lee and I jumped in the back of the car and began assembling the ketchup and honey covered
tampons. After twenty of them had been made the three of us grabbed two each and approached the
house. Splat. Lee tossed one at the shutters. I walked up to the front door and smothered mine on
the door knob and left the tampons hanging off it. Nick tossed both of his onto the roof. We had
returned to the curb and loaded up for a round two. Lee tried to bring four tampons this time and
accidentally lost grip of one. He tried to catch it but ended up pushing it up against his thigh. He
pulled the tampon off and strings of honey pulled from his leg and globs of ketchup ran down his
jeans.
We approached the house once more and entered through the gate leading into the backyard.
Slap, slap! A few pads were thrown onto the window by Lee. I slapped one onto the back door and
another onto a patio table. Nick tossed them aimlessly at the back of the house.
We returned to the car once more I grabbed two and begun walking over while Lee and Nick
were in the midst of grabbing the theirs. I approached the house and froze still on the sidewalk. A
man was outside in the backyard of the house. I could see his head sticking up above the gate. I
dropped the tampons where I stood and began running as fast as I could past Nick and Lee.
Run! Run! I exclaimed.
Nick and Lee dropped the tampons in their hands and ran back to the car. I jumped into the
passenger seat. Nick and Lee jumped in seconds after and Nick sped off.
What happened? Nick asked in excitement.
A guy was outside in the backyard. He was having a smoke.
Do you think he heard us? We were so quiet! Lee rationalized.
I don't know, but if he didn't hear us, he would've sure as hell heard me running down the
street, I replied.
We still got all this dog shit. What the hell are we going to do with that? Nick asked.
Nick, Lee said, go to Primrose Gardens. My ex lives there.
Oh, fuck yeah! We're so getting her! Nick grinned while he changed his route.
Nick eventually pulled up in front of a townhouse. Lee jumped out and grabbed the bag of dog
shit. Dumped it on the door step of his ex girlfriends house and attempted to light it on fire except
the dog shit was frozen and Lee couldn't get it to light if his life depended on it.

This will do, I guess, Lee said sounding disappointed and then ran up to front door of the
home, dropped his pants down to his ankles and took a big shit on the doorstep.
Nick and I were speechless.
We jumped back into the car and Nick asked what we should do with the rest of the night since it
was still young.
Lee's last shennagian of the night was driving out to his school soccer field to do donuts. He
drove around skidding in circles, tearing up the field's maintained grass. After wrecking the school
soccer field, Lee drove me back to my accomodations. He was speeding and recklessly gunning
past stop signs.
Lee's behavior reminded me of a Motley Crue rockstar. He showed me a night that I will never
forget and for the first time in my life, I got to know what it felt like to be a total rebel.

Chapter 4
Homecoming

I spent my sixteen hour bus ride thinking about what it would be like to be successful in the film
industry. I was so close and it only made me want it more. Then I thought about Jordan Fordyce and
wished I could relive the last few days with her; I wanted to see her again and continue the amazing
connection we had.
It was the crack of dawn when I arrived in my British Columbian hometown. My parents never
expected me to go school after the bus ride and no sleep, but I was restless coming home after such
spectacular events.
L.V. Rogers was the name of the school and it was the home to drama queens, stoners, hippies,
rednecks, goths, emo's, geeks, and stuck up preps; every stereotype that could offer something
negative. I guess that was most schools in one way or another.
I didn't completely fit into any of the groups the school dispersed into, although I was a part of
each group at some point, or tried to be. I was merely a lone soul trying to find a place among
hundreds. I never found it and most peers decided I was a hybrid between geek and prep. I was
stuck between two opposites.
I walked into the halls and socialized with everyone. My peers were eager to know if I had made
it. If I was going to be successful so that they could utilize me. I refused to tell them what happened,
and decided it was best to let them wonder.
I was more social, more talkative, and most of all more confident than when I left. I felt so bold
in my changes that I approached a girl named Brittany in my school that Id been scared to talk to
for months. I found her sitting alone in our shared science class. I sat beside her before it began
session and greeted her. She thought I was a creep for the many failed attempts I made at striking
conversation with her. A lot of awkward conversations I had with her led nowhere, but here I was
making conversation with her like she was any other person.
Brittany was an attractive blonde who usually had tanned skin from the exotic vacations her
family went on.
Hey, how're you? I asked nonchalantly.
Oh, um, good? she replied surprised that I talked to her so much more confidently than I ever
had.
"You weren't in any of our classes last week. I heard some things. Where did you go?"
"What have you heard?"
"That you were working with models and doing something from Disney I think."
"Close enough."

"Really?!"
"I was at a talent convention and showcase. I auditioned my breakdancing and acting for agents,
directors, and producers from all over the world. And pretty much got to rub shoulders and became
friends with a lot of models."
"Holy smokes! Did you make it?"
"I can't say too much right now, but I'm waiting to hear from an agency in Toronto."
Her eyes widened and she actually asked me to sit beside her during class while she picked my
ear. In one year of having a petty crush on her, this was the first time she didn't act creeped out by
me.
Over the next week, I did better in school, started making more friends, and had even gotten a
girlfriend. The relationship was run short. Even though we were in fact dating, I couldn't help
pursuing other women. She was no more than a kissing partner.
Everything in my home life seemed to finally fall into place. There was balance, but I still wasn't
sincerely happy. I experienced a new high at CSMT and all I wanted was to pursue that feeling of
success again. Even though I met many of my social goals, I still carried a feeling of inadequacy.
There was a great deal I left behind in Edmonton that wasn't ready to be finished. I was still holding
onto the feelings I had for Jordan Fordyce, the sense of fame, the sense of vast opportunity and it's
limitless potential.
I didn't believe I was meant to live in a small, hick town surrounded by mountains; I was meant
to grow up in a city and be surrounded by opportunity. I was born in Surrey, British Columbia and
lived in the lower mainland for nearly the first decade of my life. I was city born, city raised, but
never grew old enough to take advantage of the opportunities a city life could present. Before I
became ten years old, my parents decided to move back to their hometown, Nelson, B.C.
Nelson was built on the slope of a mountain and the downtown core spread across eight blocks
of a single street. Everyone I ever met declared Nelson the pot smoking capital of Canada; it was
inhabited by hippies and we had our very own local store that sold weed over the counter until it
was closed due to obvious legal reasons.
I couldn't let go of my experiences in Edmonton. I had to go back and set things right. Fordyce
was the fuel for this fire; we talked everyday, sometimes over the phone, but mostly on MSN's
instant messaging program.
She confided in me with every detail of her life. She told me how much basketball meant to her,
how it was her favorite sport, and how good she was on the high school team. She explained all her
troubles to me; how she like me, felt bored and inadequate without CSMT. She vented with me and
explained how she didn't know what she'd do without me. Most of all, she expressed how her
feelings were growing for me.
The Canadian Showcase of Model & Talent did something to us. It gave us a taste of how
exciting it was to be on the verge of accomplishing great things, to be radiating with purpose and a
chance to be discovered. We desired to be surrounded by quality people and highly-functioning
artists again.

November 8th, 2005 MSN conversation:

Conversation history has been edited for grammar to be understood easier.
Jordan Fordyce: I actually really miss you.
Jordan Gardiner: I'll come back to Alberta, I promise. Then I'll take you out on the perfect
date.
Jordan Fordyce: Oh yeah? And what's your idea of the perfect date?
Jordan Gardiner: I had a dream about it. You and I were walking along a beach off the ocean.
The sky was clear and vibrant with stars. The waves soothingly washed up to our toes. You stopped
to face me, your eyes were glazed with passion, and you kissed me lightly. I held you around the
waist and whispered into your ear telling you how perfect you were. Of course we're going to have
to compromise though, Alberta doesn't have an ocean and very few beaches.
Jordan Fordyce: Oh my god, if you're making me want to see you so bad. Keep going!
Jordan Gardiner: I've already told you too much lol.
Jordan Fordyce: Then I guess I won't tell you about all the dreams I've had with you. I really
have to stop talking to you before bedtime. I keep dreaming that you come up here and see me.
Jordan Gardiner: One of these nights it won't be a dream.
Jordan Fordyce: I hope so. This is hard, I met the perfect guy and he likes me back. It should be
as easy as being together, but no, it's not that simple.
Jordan Gardiner: We will have each other soon. You just have to wait for me. Can you do that?
Jordan Fordyce: Yeah! Tell me about your break in e-town (Edmonton) though!
Jordan Gardiner: Hahaha oh man, so much to tell. Well, Lee and I went driving all over the
place one night and we sped down the highway at 200 k an hour. We had cops chase us.
Jordan Fordyce: Holy! Did you guys out run them?
Jordan Gardiner: Yes! I couldn't believe it. Lee slowed down around a curve and a moment
later two cops flew right past us. We figure their radars picked us up but they didn't know who they
were chasing and thought we were way the fuck ahead. They never suspected the car that just
managed to slow down to the speed limit out of sight lol. Then after that we went and got into some
more trouble lol.
Jordan Fordyce: Your very lucky. What kind of trouble did you get into?
Jordan Gardiner: These people were being assholes to Lee's friend named Cody. So we bought
a bunch of tampons and ketchup. (The cashier gave us the dirtiest look.) And put ketchup and honey
on the tampons to make them look used. Then Lee literally shoveled 40 pounds of dog shit into a
garbage bag. And we went to this persons house and stuck the tampons up on the windows and
doors and all over his yard haha. In the morning we found out it was a cops house.

Jordan Fordyce: Holy shit, you little hell raiser. Poor old Alberta doesn't stand a chance
against you.
Jordan Gardiner: Haha nope! It was a one time thing though. Don't worry, I'm not always such
a hoodlum haha.
Jordan Fordyce: I doubt that. You BC people, I tell you. I think its really funny though cause it
mostly sounds like things me and my guy friends would do.
Jordan Gardiner: Haha so why do you say Alberta doesn't stand a chance against us? Whats
so great about us haha.
Jordan Fordyce: Lol well you just think you can come up in here and terrorize the crap outta
poor cops.
Jordan Gardiner: Thats exactly what I think. :)
Jordan Fordyce: Lol as long as you stick to cops, I guess its okay.
Jordan Gardiner: I really shouldn't take alllll the credit. It was albertians who supplied the
goods and drove me all over Edmonton haha.
Jordan Fordyce: Lol yeah that's how we roll. We're awesome
Jordan Gardiner: What I really like about you guys..is that all your legal ages are a year
younger than ours haha. You can buy liqour a year early, drive a year early, pretty much do
anything a year early.
Jordan Fordyce: Lol thats because us Albertans are freaking awesome. How was your night?
Jordan Gardiner: Frustrating! I need to practice my headspins but I can't find my
headspinning hat and im flippin shit haha.
Jordan Fordyce: Lol ooh my god. Don't have a BF (bitch fit). You'll find your hat no worries.
Jordan Gardiner: When I find it I'm going to get you to kiss it or something so it'll be my lucky
headspinning hat.
Jordan Fordyce: Haha funny, me and good luck usually doesn't go in the same sentence.
Jordan Gardiner: Haha I can see why.
Jordan Fordyce: Psssht. what is that supposed to mean?
Jordan Gardiner: I'll shut up now before I dig myself into a hole lol. Even if that was a
compliment.
Jordan Fordyce: lol it wasnt a compliment so dont evennn try
Jordan Gardiner: Yes it was, I meant that you would give people bad luck when they're doing
something. They'd be looking at you being so pretty and then walk into a pole or something.
Jordan Fordyce: Haha well that's a really round about way of saying that.
Jordan Gardiner: I guess I could simplify it...you know? For the idiots.
Jordan Fordyce: Awe now thats just uncalled for. Someones uncharacteristically catty today. So
what are you doing right now?
Jordan Gardiner: Well right now, talking to this girl. Shes a bit odd but a lot of fun.

Jordan Fordyce: Ooh yeah whose this odd girl?

Jordan Gardiner: Well I think you know her pretty well. Her names Jordan.
Jordan Fordyce: Describe me as odd. Thaaanks. So hows that journal thing coming along.
Jordan Gardiner: Hey! Odd is good. Im odd too. It's what makes us interesting. Why do you
always see everything as insult lol. ....What Journal?
Jordan Fordyce: Lol Im just being stubborn to give you a hard time. Oh your diary thats
pinkkk. =P
Jordan Gardiner: How'd you know!!?!?!
Jordan Fordyce: Cause Im awesome like that?
Jordan Gardiner: Well in all honesty....it's black! And yes! It does have some writing about you
in it. I know what're thinking lol.
Jordan Fordyce: Lol I wasn't even gonna go there but you brought it up! Its probably like bla
bla bla Jordan's a bitch.
Jordan Gardiner: No it's not! Im not that mean haha. It doesn't even say anything bad. I don't
like to read my journal and bring back all these shitty memories. It's for the good ones.
Jordan Fordyce: Lol oh well what does it even say then?
Jordan Gardiner: Thats for me to know and for you to wonder.
Jordan Fordyce: Eugh. You can't do that. You probably don't tell me cause it does say
something bad. I'm going to bed. Harumph.
Jordan Gardiner: Well if you really want to know that bad. I suppose I could make you earn it.
Jordan Fordyce: Well since your writing all these bad things in your journal about me,maybe I
don't want to earn it.
Jordan Gardiner: Nothing bad, I swear!
Jordan Fordyce: Lol. Its what Im going to think.... Unless you tell me that is.
Jordan Gardiner: I know your tricks lol. I'll call you tomorrow. Tell you then kay?
Jordan Fordyce: Lol I don't see why you have to wait to tell me.
Jordan Gardiner: I'm actually just trying to stall for time so I can think of an excuse haha.
Jordan Fordyce: Yeah I figured, you're mean. I bet you're changing it.
Jordan Gardiner: Wow...do you really think I'm that evil?
Jordan Fordyce: Lol theres potential. Well it's way past my bed time and I have school in the
morning. Call me when you're done school?
Jordan Gardiner: Sure thing. Goodnight Jordan.
February 20th, 2006 - MSN Conversation:
Jordan Fordyce: I have a fun idea! Want to play Jor-trivia?

Jordan Gardiner: What a name! That totally just cheered me up. Lets do it!
Jordan Fordyce: I cheered myself up just by thinking it. It rolls off your tongue and into your
heart.
Jordan Gardiner: So what's the first question?
Jordan Fordyce: What's my favourite color?
Jordan Gardiner: Green!
Jordan Fordyce: Terrible! Minus ten-thousand points, it's yellow.
Jordan Gardiner: What's mine?
Jordan Fordyce: Green.
Jordan Gardiner: You only knew cause that was the first conclusion I jumped to. Next question!
Jordan Fordyce: Told you I'm awesome. What's my favourite TV show?
Jordan Gardiner: The OC.
Jordan Fordyce: Haha used to be, but now what is it?
Jordan Gardiner: House or one of those doctor shows.
Jordan Fordyce: Close, so minus no points. It's Gossip Girl!
Jordan Gardiner: I got a better way of playing this. Since it's Jor-trivia, I should get to ask
some questions too. What's my favourite hobby?
Jordan Fordyce: Haha that's the point! Um, writing in your diary?
Jordan Gardiner: Journal! Say it with me, jourrrrnnnaaalll. It's breakdancing.
Jordan Fordyce: What's my favourite food?
Jordan Gardiner: Pasta?
Jordan Fordyce: Close, spicy food, I'd also accept anything with chicken.
Jordan Gardiner: Good taste, what's my eye color?
Jordan Fordyce: That's easy, it was one of the first things I noticed about you. Brown, same as
mine. What color is my room?
Jordan Gardiner: Red...ish?
Jordan Fordyce: Oh my god, you didn't even guess my favourite color! Yellow!
Jordan Gardiner: If I was an animal in the wild, what would I be?
Jordan Fordyce: Haha a wolf.
Jordan Gardiner: What the fuck!
Jordan Fordyce: Really? I'm kicking your ass at this! What position do I play in basketball and
volleyball?
Jordan Gardiner: Oh geez, I don't know much of the technical stuff for team sports. You're a
goalie! Just kidding haha.
Jordan Fordyce: Setter and guard. Everyone knows that. Haha and ten points cause you made

me laugh. Your turn.

Jordan Gardiner: What color is my room?
Jordan Fordyce: White? Haha.
Jordan Gardiner: Blue, with glow in the dark stars.
Jordan Fordyce: I never would've guessed you had glow in the dark stars hahaha.
Jordan Gardiner: I was a little kid, I never took them down.

Fordyce and I talked for a matter of hours every night. It seemed we had the world of
experiences and thoughts to share with eachother. She was very much in love with me and my
feelings toward her were mutual.
In time, Fordyce's enthusiasm toward me had slowly diminished. My enthusiasm toward life and
myself had mirrored her enthusiasm. It started when, one night, I had logged onto my MSN and
there were no replies to any of my emails. A few nights passed and the lack of communication with
Fordyce was beginning to gain its edge on me. I picked up the phone and tried to call her. No
answer. A few hours later, I called once more and left a message. Another day passed, then a week,
then a month. Serveral more emails and phone calls ensued to no avail.
I decided to make one last and final phone call. She picked up.
"Jordan..." I heard her voice say in a dismayed tone over the line.
"Where did I fuck up?" I asked in a pleading modulation.
"You didn't."
"Then what's going on with you...is everything okay?"
"Yes."
"I can't tell you how good it feels to hear your voice again."
"Jordan, can you please stop trying to call me?"
"Not unless you give me some sort of explaination or closure.
"Trust me, you're better off without the explaination."
"You should let me decide that."
"I'm sorry. I can't do this. I can deal with long distance relationships. I don't see it working and
it's not fair for either of us to keep falling deeper for each other."
"Fordyce, I don't know where all this is coming from. It will work! You just have to give it time.
Long distance relationships do work with commitment on both ends."
"Just how much can a sixteen-year-old boy do? Face it, we're both young. We have no power
over this kind of stuff. I've been feeling like this for quite some time now. I'm not the person you
think I am. You think I'm this great, wonderful person but I'm not that. When you really get to know
me, you'll be disappointed. It's not you, it's all me and i'm being honest when I say that."

Before I could get another word in, she hung up.

For the following months, I had fallen under a moderate depression. Everything that I had going
for me disappeared. The inspiration, the motivation, the happiness, and my better self had slowly
evaporated. I isolated myself from my friends and became an enigma drowning in my own despair.
My life and all it's aspects were completely imbalanced and out of proportion. Between trying to
manage teenage hormones, a broken family life, a depressing love life or lack of, and having social
anxiety come back with no peer approval or recognition, I was a broken human being.
I fell into a hole void of self worth and happiness. I realized that my whole life had been nothing
but a let down and disappointment to myself and everyone else. There was a reason that I had so
few friends in my life, there was reason that I couldn't manage to hold onto love, and there was a
reason that all my happiness stemmed from one pathetic event in my life and nothing else. I realized
that I would never earn or acquire that level of happiness again so I decided removing myself from
the world was the best course of action.
Then a second ultimatum occurred to me, anything is better than death, so why not do something
crazy instead. A chance to make things better before such a definite decision was made.
I had been more emotionally invested in Fordyce than I had anything in my life. I felt significant
loss and wanted to know what I could have possibly done wrong. I held onto a small hope. I hoped
that if I went back to Edmonton to where it all started, came back into touch with Lee and the
people that had made me my better self, maybe I could grasp onto what I had again. Maybe I could
go see Fordyce and bring her feelings back for me. And it would all be in the name of love!
I began looking for employment. I accepted any and every job until I found myself employed
with three different businesses. I took a demeaning job at A&W flipping burgers. I earned
employment at Water Pure & Simple preparing bagged ice for shipping. My final offer for
employment was with a privately owned Cleaning company that held contracts with most of the
government owned buildings in town. I was responsible for cleaning government offices and
conference rooms.
Between my three jobs and school I had less than minutes to spare each day. I buried myself in
work to keep myself distracted from my depression. I needed money to go to Alberta alone at 16
years old and make the most of my trip. By summer I saved up over three-thousand dollars and
bought myself a one way airplane ticket to Edmonton.
After the fact, I told my parents that I would be going away for the summer. My parents felt
amused by the idea. "No, you're not." My parents told me with finality.
"I'm leaving with or without your consent."
My father smirked sarcastically. "If you leave don't expect the door to be open for you when you
come back."
"I won't count on it than," I told him before walking out of the room.
My parents never expected me to go. I was still so young and had never made such a large and
independent step in my life.
When the date of my departure came, I scribbled a long note to my parents explaining my need
to leave and that I didn't know when I would be back. If I was welcomed back or not was their
choice.

I entered the airport, went through security, and sat down at the terminal waiting patiently for my
flight to arrive.
I consistently rotated my phone in my hand contemplating the decision to call Fordyce and tell
her I was coming. I dialed the first three digits of Fordyce's number then cancelled it as I thought
about what to say to her or what words to tell her to convince her see me.
"What am I doing?" I asked myself in doubt. I spent so long saving up my resources to make
some pathetic trip to convince a girl to be in my life once again. Who the fuck was I kidding?
Nothing in my life had worked out; why should it with this? Why am I even sitting here and going
against everything I know. I'm going against my parents, I'm going against this uneasy feeling in my
gut, why am I doing this to myself? I'm doing this because I'm in love, and I think I'm doing
something crazy because no one has ever made me feel so happy. My life had been filled with chaos
and disappointment, I had to do this because I needed to believe that their was better out there for
me.
I had always felt like their was something wrong with me. I was the kid in Elementary who
wasn't cool enough to hang out with the other kids because my parents couldn't buy me a cool
enough bike, or the latest gaming system, or the best snacks to trade during lunch.
In middle school, I had broken out with severe rashes around my mouth due to allergies to my
cat. I was mocked for years, gained the nickname of "Herpie boy," and always had a few to zero
friends.
In high school, my life was no better, my reputation was carried on and those who did not know
me were eventually well informed. Until word went around of my trip to CSMT and my shot at
becoming an actor, that I had agencies interested in me and knew models, suddenly I had use to my
peers, people wanted to know me. Finally, I felt appreciated, I felt self worth, I felt like someone
who was worth knowing.
I started to lose my worth once again which contributed to my depression after I had lost contact
with Fordyce. I became obsessed with trying to get it back, I was happy and deserved to retain that
happiness for the long term. I would no longer wear my glasses in public for any reason, it was
either I wear my contacts or suffer without vision. I needed to have a perfect complexion or had to
call in sick for school, male make up would sometimes substitute the perfect complexion. I was
constantly worrying about my hair, making frequent stops to the washroom to check on it or pat
astray hairs down with water.
But the truth was, nothing was going to change the image people had of me until I changed my
outlook on life. But I wouldn't learn that until I was older.
I thought I deserved and needed a better life than what I had. So I was going to go through with
my plan and take my shot at happiness no matter how high the odds were stacked against me.
I began dialing again and got 6 digits in before I slapped my cell phone shut, then reopened it. I
dialed all the correct digits, let it ring once, then just about slapped it shut again but Fordyce
answered on the first ring.
Hello?
Shit, I said to myself as I put the phone up to my ear. Uh, hello?
Who is this?

Jordan.
Oh.
Hey! You don't need to be like that! I snapped.
Why did you call?
I needed to ask you something, I said weakly but got a hold of myself, the fact is, I'm going to
be in Edmonton by tomorrow morning and I want to meet up with you. I'll find a ride up to
Grimshaw or something. I'm just coming all this way and think it'd be worthwhile to see you while
I'm in the province.
Okay, well this is weird. I'm not even going to be here. I'm going on a road trip tomorrow. All
my hope came crashing down. I knew it was going to be a mistake calling her.
My friends and I are going on a road trip to Edmonton tomorrow. We can meet up!
My mouth dropped open with disbelief. Two sudden jolts of shock left me wordless; one second
I gave up all hope and the next my hope handed itself to me on a silver platter.
I'd love to. I'm just at the airport right now and my flight gets here in a couple hours. How about
I call you and we touch base tomorrow evening?
Sure, I'll give you a call when I get into the city.
Sounds great, so what are you going to the city for?
My friends and I have been wanting to go on a small road trip for some time and we want to do
lots of shopping and party. We decided the city is the best place. We're going to be staying at the
Fantasy Land Hotel, do you know where that is?
Yeah, I do. Right inside the mall?
Yeah, we're gonna party it up in the hotel room tomorrow night. Do you know anyone over
eighteen who can boot for us?
Yeah, shouldn't be a problem.
Well I have to go now. I still have packing to do.
Talk to you tomorrow.
Kay, bye Jordan.
I closed the phone and couldn't hold back the huge smile I had. I was overjoyed and bewildered
at the same time. Fordyce was immensely condemning with our previous conversation, and now she
was readily making plans with me. I knew there was something that I couldn't quite read between
the lines. I intended to find out what that was.

Chapter 6
Bliss

My heart raced at the thought of seeing Fordyce again. I stood on a mall escalator until it brought
me to the main floor. I walked up to the entrance of the IMAX cinema within the West Edmonton
Mall.
An adorable brunette with captive brown eyes, a glowing smile, and the body of a model spun
around to look at me.
"Jordan!" She exclaimed.
"Jordan!" I exclaimed back humorously and cocked my head. "You look just as adorable as you
did the last time I saw you."
"You mean I'm not even more adorable?" Fordyce pouted playfully.
"It's good to see you again," I told her as she embraced me with her arms tightly.
"I kinda missed you," she told me.
"You're not even going to say hi to me?" Leah asked appearing by Fordyce's side.
"Leah!" I exclaimed, giving her a hug.
When Fordyce arrived in Edmonton she called me and let me know of her and a friend's plans to
go shopping in the mall and then to go see a movie. I didn't realize the friend was Leah; it was heart
warming to see them both.
"You are both so cute now that you're together again!" Leah exclaimed.
Good, I thought to myself. I wasn't the only one who knew we were good for eachother.
"So I guess we should grab a coffee or something and catch up?" Fordyce said.
The three of us ended up outside a coffee shop. While sitting across from Fordyce and Leah I
couldn't help but bring up the question that had been eluding me for so many months.
"So catching up, why have you been ignoring me for so long?" I asked Fordyce.
Fordyce seemed to have been taken by surprise. She stared at me blankly. "I didn't think you
were going to ask me that so soon," she admitted, "I'll tell you later, okay?" Awkward silence
followed until Leah broke the tension.
"So what have you been doing since CSMT, Jordan?"
"Just taking life day by day, you know," I said without deterring my attention from Fordyce.
Fordyce made eye contact with me, we looked into each others eyes for a long moment and
butterflies rushed through my gut. She was gazing into me with an ashamed look in her eyes.
Fordyce blinked and turned her head away like she had just realized she was staring.

"Uh, do you guy's want to go shopping?" Leah asked.

The three of us shopped around clothing stores. The girls dragged me to half a dozen places and
had me give them my opinions as they tried their things on. Fordyce came out of the change room
in a stunning red dress.
"What do you think, Jordan?" she asked.
"Victoria Secret's got nothing on you," I blurted out nearly letting my mouth drop open. Fordyce
blushed and stepped back inside the changing room to try on more clothing. Leah came out wearing
a shiny long hanging sparkly shirt and tight jeans that fit perfectly around her ass.
"Jordan?" She asked waiting for my opinion.
"Suits you quite well. Buy it," I told her.
Fordyce bought a pair of brown high heeled boots and a couple pairs of jeans. Leah bought only
the things I liked.
We went to go see a movie and I was sitting in between Fordyce and Leah. Fordyce's hand was
on the arm rest and I was contemplating putting my hand on hers. I didn't know whether she was
still attracted to me. I wondered why I was even hanging out with her. She had disappeared from
my life for months and now we were hanging out acting like nothing happened. I wasn't sure of
anything.
I made continuous glances at Fordyce. The only thing that ran through my mind was how
beautiful she was. I stood up in the middle of the movie to head to the washroom. I needed a
moment to think to myself but I heard Fordyce tell Leah to wait where she was. Fordyce followed
me out of the theater.
"Hey," she said. I turned around and greeted her back. "Where are you going?"
"Washroom," I replied.
"Do you have a minute to talk?" she asked. Her eyes were hopeful. Fordyce and I walked down
the hallway until we were alone. "Look," she said, "I know I've been kind of a bitch to you. I'm
sorry for that, I really am. I was falling in love with you and you lived so far away. I was scared and
I didn't think I would ever see you again. I wanted to get over you and I wanted you to let me, so I
acted like a bitch. I feel so bad for it and I wish I could take it back because here you are now. I'm
going to..."
I cut her off by planting a kiss on her mouth. I had wanted to do that again for so long. She
kissed me back aggressively.
All that time, I thought that I wasn't good enough for her. I thought that I did something wrong
and pushed her away somehow, but she was in just as much discontent as I.
Fordyce raised her hands up to my face and pulled me in closer. Lip gloss smeared over my lips
as she kissed me. It wasn't until five minutes later she pulled back and realized Leah was probably
waiting for us.
I walked back into the theatre overwhelmed and wiped away any lip gloss that may have still
been on my mouth. We ducked into the row toward Leah again, finding her with her arms crossed.
"Took you two long enough!" Leah hissed, "What were you guys doing, having sex?"

Fordyce giggled and I smiled to myself. Fordyce placed her hand around my arm looking at me
attentively.
The movie ended and Leah followed behind Fordyce and I like a lost dog. I felt bad for Leah as
she had just become a third wheel.
I noticed Leah's attitude shift, she became very vexatious with frequent interruptions and trying
to steer all conversation toward her. She persistently gave Fordyce dirty looks and looks of
disapproval toward me.
Fordyce invited me back to the hotel her and Leah were staying at. It was convenient for her to
be staying at the hotel within the mall. Shopping, theatres, and recreation was all within a brief
walk. She didn't have to the leave the building for anything.
We walked to the hotel area of the mall and took an elevator up to the 8th floor. Fordyce inserted
the key card into the door across the hall and we entered the room. Fordyce set her things down in
the bedroom and came back out into the kitchen. She placed a bottle of vodka onto the counter and
challenged me to a drinking contest.
"Let's see who can drink the most. I bet I can drink you under the table."
"Oh I think not," I remarked, "what do I get if I out drink you?
"What do you want?"
"I'll keep it simple: a kiss."
"I' think that can arranged. If I win you have to read all the Twilight books and tell me Edward
isn't dreamy."
"Now that's cruel," I laughed.
Twilight is the best book ever, you have to give it a chance, Fordyce defended.
Only if you out drink me!
Fordyce placed three shot glasses on the counter. Fordyce, Leah, and I began to repeatedly pour
liquor down our throats. I couldn't help but notice that Leah wasn't talking much and that she looked
slightly pissed.
Are you okay? I asked concerningly.
Yeah. Just give me another shot, she replied trying to mask an underlying emotion.
Fordyce picked up on it too and pulled her into the bedroom for a private girl talk. Fordyce came
back out of the room after five minutes.
What's wrong?
I don't know. She won't tell me. She's been kind of weird since the movie.
"I thought so too."
Fordyce and I continued taking shots consecutively, getting too drunk too fast. We started
exchanging our 'first time drunk' stories. We kept laughing really hard at each others humorous
circumstances.
"Okay Fordyce, you're never going to believe mine. But here it is. I was acting in my first theater
production called The Miracle Worker. I was playing the famous Hellen Keller's brother. Anyway,

after three nights of the production, we had a cast party.

Throughout the production, I had this huge, silly crush on a grade twelve girl named Jessica
Greer. I'd never let her know it. But when I arrived at the cast party, a girl named Miranda had
prepared Tequila Sunrises for everbody. I had only two drinks and was in a whole new world! I
remember going outside and wobbling all over the place thinking, 'This is awesome! I never want
this to end.' I went back inside and saw Jessie Greer, and I felt a courage I never did in my entire
life. Without holding back, I charged right toward her and put my arm around her.. "Hey Jessie!" I
said, "I want to tell you a secret. I like you. I always have! And I think we should hang out
sometime! Just you and I!" slurring like no tomorrow.
Jessie replied sympathetically, 'Sorry, we just wouldn't make a good drunk couple.'
That's what I remember. The story everyone told me after was that I charged over to her while
she was having a serious talk with her boyfriend. I pushed him out of the way, threw my arm around
her, and asked her out right in front of him. He was ready to hit me, but everyone else prevented
him from doing so.
But the story doesn't end there, there was a peer named Geordi Camposa at the party. It was his
first time drunk too. I just handled it way better than he did. Everyone moved out into the backyard,
enjoying the fresh night air. And Geordi comes stumbling over to Jessie Greer. 'Jessie," he says,
'you're amazing! Give me a hug.' Jessie gives him a hug, and after the embrace she screams at the
top of her lungs. Naturally, we all draw our attention to her. And Geordi has his pecker hanging out
of his pants, and he had it pressed against Jessie during the hug.
Geordi is in a world of his own now, and starts ripping all his clothes off until he's butt-naked.
And get this, he wants to hug more people. Everyone rushes inside locking the door. Then someone
runs across the house to lock the front door that Geordi is already at. Thank god, we're safe! Wrong.
Everyone is enjoying the party and we all forget about Geordi. Suddenly, we hear all this ruckus
from the bathroom. I open the bathroom door and Geordi is falling inside the bathroom with screen
window and silicon lining wrapped around his leg. He busted through the window and only god
knows how. Geordi hit his head on the tile floor and seems out of it as he's laying on the floor. Then
he reaches down and starts playing with penis. He really starts to get into it, playing with the tip and
jerking it like a champion. He really didn't have a clue that the door was open and two dozen people
were watching horrified.
Bottom line, he puked, we threw him in a cab, and still couldn't get rid of him because he kept
jumping out of the cab and running back to the house. We gave him more alcohol and he was finally
incoherent enough to sit in a cab long enough to get rid of him.
That was my first drunk experience."
Fordyce's mouth was hanging open. I wasn't sure what she tthought until she started howling at
the top of her lungs.
"I...can....barely.....breathe!" Fordyce managed to say between her laughter. She finaally managed
to catch her breathe. "What was wrong with that kid?"
"Hell if I know. How he walks around the school with pride still is beyond me."
Fordyce started hyperventilating with laughter again. "How...does....he...have pride?"
"It's your turn to tell me about your first drunk experience, Fordyce."

"Oh my god, I don't want to. Can I please not?"

"Well, when you keep making it sound juicy."
"Fuck."
"Start talking."
"Okay, this was four months ago. I was at a house party too, and people gave me vodka. I got
really drunk and started about about you and CSMT. How you were so amazing and romantic and
how I missed you. End of story. Shut up!"
Her little admittance speech meant a lot to me. But I played it cool. "Gosh, you're such an
amateur!" I teased.
"You're the boy who is about to read a series of books about sparkly vampires! Ha!"
I took three more shots.
"That's three more for you, Fordyce. Unless you want to give up."
"Not a chance!"
Fordyce took five shots and said I had two more to catch up.
I can't do this anymore! You're relentless! I exclaimed.
So you're going to read the Twilight Saga? Fordyce grinned.
I nodded very slightly wondering if I should really forfeit, but I was feeling strange in the way
that intoxication did.
Yeah, you win. Lets go for a walk!
"Sure, just let me have one more shot to rub it in," Fordyce said, smiling before she tilted her
head back.
"Why don't you give me the run down on what Twilight is all about so I don't have to waste my
precious time reading it."
Fordyce merely laughed at me.
"I'll buy you the first book tomorrow to get you started!"
"Great," I smiled sarcastically.
Fordyce put her new boots on and we walked through the mall until we came in an indoor
skating rink.
You want to do it? Fordyce asked me.
Sure, I replied. I hadn't been skating in a long time and I thought their was something romantic
about going skating on a date.
We paid the admission, rented out some skates , and I realized how bad of an idea it was as soon
as I got onto the ice. Being intoxicated, I couldn't stop falling. When I wasn't falling, I was
wobbling all over the place.
Fordyce's face turned so intensely red with how hard she was laughing. She was flying around
the rink with so much drunken energy and doing circles around me. It was like not a single shot of
vodka had effected her. I couldn't understand. She did another pass around me and then fell flat on

her chest with her arms spread out in front of her. She rolled over laughing, I started laughing too as
some dignity returned to me. I found some stability and fell over again as I tried to help her up.
"This was such a bad idea," I laughed loudly.
"Oh my god, why did I suggest it?" Fordyce started laughing louder than I was.
After the skating, we dropped into a store called Spencer's and started teasing eachother about
the dirty toys we could buy eachother. Spencers was a store that held everything a minor shouldn't
have: posters of nude women, dildos, sex guides, corsettes, marijuana merchandise.
"Fordyce, if I bought you this hot corsette and stockings, would you wear it?"
"Sure. I'll wear it! If you get to see me in it is another story."
"Tsk tsk on your behalf."
Fordyce gave me her cute little pout again. It was always the playful pout that got me. It was
worse than the sad puppy dog face. Her playful pout said, "I'm sorry, but not really. Because I know
you adore me."
We headed back to the hotel room. Leah was curled up into a ball, passed out on the couch, with
the vodka bottle still in her hand. It was empty.
Fordyce and I looked at eachother with a concerned look. When we got closer to her, I could tell
Leah had been crying; streaks of black make-up ran beneath her eyes. Fordyce shook Leah and she
started whining. Eventually, she stated that she wanted to be left alone in hardly understandable
mumbles.
I've never seen her like this. I'll find out what's wrong in the morning, Fordyce told me.
I'm worried about her too. Has she been going through stuff back home?
I'm not sure. You're sleeping here right? Fordyce asked with a hopeful look.
I simply shot her the biggest grin and she pulled me into the bedroom. I sat down on the end of
the bed. She flicked off the light and crawled under the blanket. I followed her underneath and I
stared into her eyes across the pillow top.
What's going through your head right now? I whispered gently.
I can't even begin to tell you, she whispered back, but, I can show you.
Show me, I demanded.
Fordyce leaned in toward me and brought her lips centimetres away from mine.
You have no idea how I feel about you. You have no idea what I've emotionally gone through
because of you, she exasperated.
I've been feeling so lost with what was happening between us," I whispered to her, "the whole
reason I came to Alberta, the whole reason I'm here, right now, is because of you. I had to fix things.
I needed you and I needed this. Today was so perfect.
God, why do I have to be so complicated. I'm sorry for putting you through that. I've never
known anyone so deep and open as you. You are so amazing, Jordan. I'm sorry if I made you feel
otherwise."
Fordyce kissed me passionately and she pulled away every few minutes to look deeply into my

eyes. Fordyce's brown eyes were filled with so much depth, I could stare into them forever and
eventually get lost unable to find my way back to reality. She was in love with me, her eyes couldn't
have communicated it any further. No words and no actions could describe the emotion, the
connection, the lust, the build up, the lucidity and clarity of how perfect and right that felt.
Fordyce's hand found it's way to my neck and she pulled me toward her while she pressed
another kiss to my mouth. This kiss was different than others, I could read the way she kissed me, I
could feel what she felt by the need and passion in which she moved her lips and tongue. She had a
different kiss for varied levels of emotion. This kiss lightly whispered sexual hints toward me. It
was in her eyes, her kiss, her movements, her body language.
Fordyce placed her leg around my side and threw her arm tightly around my back. Before I knew
it, things had gotten passionately out of control. Her shirt was off and she was pushing her bare
chest against mine. We caressed eachother for an hour but neither of us were ready for sex. We both
agreed to do this relationship thing the right way, paced, steady, and working up to that special act
with the right person. She drifted to sleep on my chest. She appeared so peaceful in her sleep, I
brushed her hair over the side of her face while feeling the rhythmic thump of her heart beat on me.

***

I dreamed of Fordyce and I sitting in the sand on a beach. The skies were clear and full of stars.
The moon's reflection shimmered across the water. We were talking. I couldn't remember what we
were talking about but I remember that it had something to do with us being together. Fordyce said
something hurtful to me and she ran toward a beautiful cabin on the line that separated sand from
grass. There was another man waiting at the cabin for her. Fordyce ran into his arms and kissed him,
then they went inside the cabin where I couldn't see them anymore. The sky clouded over, it got
cold, and it got windy with violent waves crashing onto the shore. I looked down and there was a
nice a knife in my chest. Blood was trickling down my body and the restless sea swallowed me up
as I died.
I felt my dream was trying to reveal a point or a lesson to me.
I woke up to giggles and laughing in the kitchen. I looked across the pillow top to find the
absence of Fordyce.
I yawned as I pulled myself out of the bed and walked up to the doorway. I heard my name
before Leah and a girl I'd never seen before both realized I was there. They became quiet like they
had been guilty of getting caught doing something wrong.
"Where's Fordyce?" I asked awkwardly.
"She went to get breakfast for everyone," replied Leah.
"Who's this?" I asked nodding toward her red-headed friend.
"This is Alison," Leah informed me. Alison looked like she was half prep half goth. I have to
talk to you, Leah blurted out awkwardly

Do you?
Yeah, she replied as she sat down on the couch and patted the seat beside her indicating that
she wanted me to sit.
Did you fuck Jordan last night?" Leah asked.
"I'm going to go for a smoke," Alison stated, not wanting to be present for what was about to
take place. She opened the balcony door and shut it behind her.
"Excuse me?" I said defensively.
"You need to stop doing whatever you're doing with Jordan.
Explain to me what the fuck you're talking about it!
Jordan doesn't really like you. Well, she does, but shes not sure about you.
Why are you making up this bullshit? I scoffed, hurt and confused.
I'm not making it up. I care about you. I don't want you to get hurt, Leah answered as she
placed her hand over mine.
Tell me where she is right now! I stammered as I pulled my hand away from hers.
She lunged herself forward at me and managed to brush her lips against mine before I pulled
back.
Bitch! I shouted.
I'm sorry! she shouted back and then she fell back onto the couch. Tears began falling from her
eyes, I love you.
My heart skipped a large beat. I suddenly realized what was going on. Leah was acting out of
jealously.
What gives you the right to lie to me and tell me that Fordyce doesn't care about me? I asked
angrily.
She didn't say anything and just stared at the floor bawling her eyes out.
Overwhelmed, I threw my shoes on and left the room slamming the door behind me. I stood in
the hallway trying to figure out how to react to the kiss Leah stole from me. I was worried about
what would happened if and when Fordyce found out. I felt terrible for Leah. I had no idea she had
those feelings for me and I could tell Fordyce and I were killing her inside.
I walked back inside the room.
Alison was comforting Leah who was still in tears. "Listen," I said to Leah sympathetically, "you
should've told me how you felt instead of resorting to this. I'm not going to tell Fordyce that you
kissed me so you'd better not pull anything. I'm sorry Leah, I really am.
Leah nodded apologetically. "I'm sorry. I promise I won't do anything."
I didn't expect her to give in so easily. Several moments passed and Leah's tears had cleared up.
She asked me if we could still be friends and apologized repeatedly more for what she did.
Fordyce came in through the door with breakfast wraps and the first Twilight book.
"Oh no, you were serious about making me read that."

"Yeah, I won!" she laughed.

"I won too. I still got my kiss," I smirked unconvincingly.
"Touche,'" she replied. She than walked around me toward Leah. "Leah, we need to talk."
"It's okay. I dealt with it." I told Fordyce.
"Ummm," she replied, debating something.
"It's okay, Jordan," Leah told me, "we need to have some girl talk."
Alison and I were awkwardly alone in the room. "So how do you and Leah know each other?"
"I'm her cousin," she informed me.
"Oh," I said awkwardly, "so you must know the 'whole' story."
"Yep," she replied, "you should give her a chance."
I ignored Alison's statement and we both awkwardly looked around the room until Leah and
Fordyce came back in.
"Leah and her cousin are going to hang out for a while," Fordyce stated, "you and I can hang out
in the meantime."
Fordyce and I walked through the mall.
"So Leah liked you, huh?"
"Yeah, quite unexpected," I replied.
"I kinda knew," Fordyce said intelligently, "I saw signs but didn't know for sure."
"I never saw it coming, I hardly talked to her at all since CSMT. So what all did she tell you?" I
had to know if Fordyce knew about the kiss.
"She just told me that she liked you for a long time but didn't want to stand in the way of you and
I. That's why she was acting all weird. But she's proud of us and happy that we were together."
Fordyce seemed very keen on observing my responses. I knew she was waiting for me to confess
the truth.
She kissed me.
I know. Thanks for telling me, she said in a super cute voice.
She knew that I knew that she was testing me.
I immediately felt guilty. I really intended to keep the kiss to myself. If it were any other girl, I
may not have cared. I may have acted daring or perhaps even treated the situation as experimental.
But Fordyce wasn't just any girl to me, she was the one, she fulfilled me, and I didn't want to leave
anything to chance when it came to her. Every moment with Fordyce felt right and in place, like a
planned destiny or fate was playing out it's will. The only smart thing to do was to disregard the
complications and do what felt right. When I was with Fordyce, it was the only time in my life that
felt balanced to me. Fordyce was a relentless and a driving force in my life, so instead of deciding
to let Leah become a part of equation, I decided not to involve her and let the situation play out the
way it was meant to.
Jordan Fordyce made me feel like everything I had endured in life was worthwhile so that I

could become more than what I was. I felt like my best self and I wanted to be even more because
of her. I couldn't believe that a girl could draw out so much untapped inspiration from me. Sadness,
despair, misery: I couldn't even recognize or decipher such feelings, they didn't exist anymore.
Fordyce, I need to tell you that you are the best and brightest thing in my life. You are
indescribable in all of your stunning features. I honestly believe no girl could ever compare to you. I
love you.
I opened my arms out to her and she grasped onto me tightly.
I love you too, she said with the greatest smile I had ever witnessed.
Fordyce found some corner of the mall and we couldn't keep our lips off eachother. We joked
about the idea of running away together but knew our responsible minds would prevail. Fordyce
refused to say goodbye to me.
"Until next time," she said instead.
"Until next time." I nodded.
And just like before, two unbelievably happy days and divergence.

Chapter 7
Evaluating Your Standards

I had never anticipated that seeing Fordyce again would be a bad thing. It was chaos and battle
on all fronts. I didn't know what to think of anything. I used Leah as a crutch to validate my
opinions and feeings. And like any girl that had a crush on a boy, she gave me all the biased answers
that benefited her agenda.
I asked myself, "Am I creep? Am I stalker? Am I a loser?" Because back in Nelson I would've
been considered all of the above for chasing a girl. In Alberta, I was just Jordan fighting for the girl
he loved.
One week after Fordyce made her departure from the mall, she called me to say that we couldn't
be in a relationship. She gave me varied excuses and explanations but none of them made any real
sense to me. She was doing the same as before, cutting me out of her loop due to fear. I refused to
accept her methods. The final result was the same one that Leah warned me of, so in the end, she
was right. Fordyce went and got a fucking boyfriend. I don't know if it was to deter me or if she
actually liked that the guy.
I would reason my feelings with Jordan Fordyce to the point where she got angry with me. She
didn't believe in the odds and continued telling me that she still can't handle the long distance. I
erased her from my life indefinitely for countless weeks at a time and then let her back in when I
knew it wasn't working and probably never would. Despite everything we had been through, I
remained friends with her and watched her slowly get over me, become increasingly attracted to
another, and fill the romantic part of her life with someone else.
Fordyce aside, I had the whole summer ahead of me and had an uncle in Edmonton who owned
Meridian Electric. I started to work for his company that repaired and distributed cranes for large
refineries in Alberta. The job wasn't easy; long hours, early mornings, heavy labour, harsh working
conditions, but incredible pay. I made about one-hundred-fifty dollars per day which was a lot to
make for a teenager.
I stayed in touch with old friends like Lee and Nick and with them I created an entirely new
lifestyle for myself. My social circle was some alien success to me.
I lived in one of the richest and safest neighbourhoods in Edmonton. I made a lot of friends that
came from families of wealth and luxury. Their lawns were a vibrant, radiant green. A sports or
luxury car sat on the driveway of each home and a man made lake accommodated and connected
most backyards. Backyards where home owners hired peopl to maintain their gardens daily.
It was paradise to me.
Despite my time during the summer, it felt like history was repeating itself. After the changes I
had made, I still felt incomplete. I had always felt like there was something pulling me towards
Edmonton. Down to the root, it was because of Fordyce, to be closer to her, to be in the realm of

possibility to be something with her.

I knew there was a hole in the companionship area of my life and it wasn't going to be filled by
Fordyce, so I started to looking at alternative ways to fill the void. I started going out with Lee and
we'd hit up high school parties and drive down Whyte Ave trying to pick up older women with cars
even older.
I learned to be socially adept at a young age. In a new city, knowing almost no one, you had to
put yourself out there to make friends fast. Usually, all it takes is one good guy to introduce you to
his social circle, and then you have options and can branch out.
The door to door salesman's philosophy was what I stood by: knock on 10 doors and at least one
will answer, and it worked. For every handful of people I stirred conversation up with, usually one
was interested in befriending me.
I eventually took Alison's offer to hang out, she had a natural beauty when she didn't over-do her
make-up. I learned she was a very artistic girl. Alison painted beautiful abstract pieces that were
unlike anything I had ever viewed. I later found out that her creativity stemmed from drugs and
hallucinations. Alison was broke and needing creative inspiration. She called me up in the middle of
the night after she took her last pill.
"Jordan, I need to ask a small favor."
"It better be important if you're calling me at this time," I replied still half asleep.
"I need forty dollars to buy some weed."
"Fuck off."
"Please, I'll make it worth your while."
"Keep talking."
"You like me, right?"
"What draws you to that conclusion?"
"Just answer. Do you like me?"
"A bit, I suppose."
"Give me forty and you get me."
"Fine. Tomorrow," I said just to hung up the phone and go back to sleep.

***
I stared out the window of the bus while heading downtown to see Alison in the morning. I was
attracted to her and was considering to ask her out. She likely picked up on my body language and
disposition toward her. Forty dollars and she was mine. Perhaps she wasn't someone I should
emotionally invest in afterall. If any run-down schmuck with forty bucks could buy her than that
wasn't a girl I wanted to waste my time with.
Alison met me outside a Chapters on Jasper Ave. I waited for her to decide what to do next but

she had explained to me that she didn't know any dealers.

"You had me bring you forty dollars for pot and you don't even know where to get it?" I laughed,
"Alright, come on." I had honestly never even seen marijuana in my life. I never did drugs and
never had the desire to try them, but I figured they couldn't be too hard to find.
Alison and I entered a convenience store a few minutes after meeting up. A towering and gothic
teen within the store had overheard Alison and I talking about finding the substance. "Hey, you're
looking for weed? I can hook you up," he offered. I laughed at how easy it was to find what we
wanted only moments after setting out to do so. The towering teenager named Trent introduced
himself to Alison and I. "I'll have one of my boys meet us. It'll be about thirty dollars, Trent
explained as we followed him to the subway station and took a train further into the city.
Trent, despite his appearance happened to be explicitly friendly. I invited Trent to hang out with
us after Lee and Nick called to pick me up on some unknown adventure. I told them where we were
and they were on route.
Trent and a sketchy character met with us in the downtown core. Alison handed Trent the fourty
dollars I gave her for weed.
Deep down, I knew Alison was fucking me over. I honestly couldn't understand how people
could do it. Fuck people over, I tried. I took advantage of so many people and was in perfect
opportune moments to destory people and gain financially, but I could never do it. I couldn't destroy
my own values and morals, I could shut things off, but I couldn't be so cold-hearted.
Trent and Alison had the great idea of lighting up at the Canada Place; the main government
building for the city. They smoked up just in front of the main entrance when a security guard came
walking down the sidewalk. The guard make eye contact with the three of us and we got up to
leave. The guard pursued us. We bolted across the street and jumped down the hillside into a large
park. We entered a cluster of trees ducking and dodging into safety, remaining there for about
twenty minutes. The three of us were laughing vigorously because it was actually pretty fun. We
made our way back out of the shrubs talking about how it was fun to have a good chase.
Lee and Nick influxed with us and they brought vodka. The five of us found a pathway to a
secluded shoreline running along the river that ran though the city. I kicked back in the sand sipping
on my drink and enjoying myself. I was merely meeting a girl to go buy weed and only hours later
I'm with an entire group of friends, enjoying a cool drink.
Alison enjoyed the company of our new arrivals, she thought they were funny, attractive, and
charming. It wasn't long until she forgot about holding up her end of our agreement and began to
move forward on Trent. Alison was drunk when she began making out with him and then proceeded
to take Trent's hand and place it on her breast.
I didn't care. Every girl I had emotionally invested myself in had hurt me in some way. I stopped
placing all my eggs in one basket and began to place my eggs in many baskets. She was just like
any other girl to me; a typical girl.
Alison started freaking out, "Get off me! What are you doing?" acting like Trent had tried to
force himself on her. Alison walked over to me and wrapped her arms around me.
"What's the matter with you, can't handle your substances?" I asked sternly.
"I want someone who cares."

"Right," I said, rolling my eyes and pushed Alison off me. She was so full of shit. I bought her
thirty dollars of weed for her artistic dependance and she pushes herself onto Trent, gets too fucked
up to handle herself and comes to me for comfort. Not happening.
Lee and Nick were goofing around and took turns punching each other in the balls until Nick
heeled over in pain. They started eyeing the bridge in the distance, there was a tall bridge down the
river that I estimated was ten stories elevated above the water.
"Hey, want to do something crazy?" Nick asked.
I assumed I knew what they were talking about. "What do you have in mind?" I asked anyway.
Nick laughed uncontrollably to himself and replied, "You'll see."
Lee and Nick began making their way back into the main area of the park. Trent, Alison and I
followed, grabbing whatever alcohol we had left.
Nick and Lee led us onto the middle of the bridge. Nick began stripping down to his boxers and
Lee was doing the same. They both climbed over the railing and hung off it from the outside. Nick's
hands were the only thing between him and a ten story drop into the river, without thought, he
jumped off the bridge. I flipped on the video on my camera phone and ran over to the edge of the
bridge. I captured Nick half way down before he splashed into water below.
Lee, hanging off the edge as well, stared at Nick in disbelief. That is way bigger than I thought it
would be. Lee hesitated about jumping but I had encouraged him. The thing that motivated him was
my promise to put him on YouTube. You could be widely viewed doing this by millions! I told
him.
"YouTube, really?" Lee asked.
"You bet. YouTube man!"
Lee looked over his shoulder and pointed out that Nick had already floated half way down the
river. Nick climbed upon the sanded area that the group of us were previously drinking on. Lee let
out a fierce woot and shouted "YouTube" as he leap off the bridge. He flipped backward and
completed a full rotation until becoming submerged into the water.
"I don't really want to wait for them. Let's go," Trent said to Alison and I.
To my surprise, Alison agreed, "We can take the rest of the liqour and ditch them," she added.
"Wait. I want to jump," I told them.
Trent and Alison both acknowledged my choice. "Okay, we'll wait for you then, Trent told me. I
wasn't sure if I should actually believe that they'd wait for me after wanting to ditch my friends so
readily. It didn't matter to me, I was going to jump whether they were going to be there when I came
back or not. I took every piece of clothing off my body leaving only my boxers. I climbed over the
railing of the bridge and looked down. An uneasy feeling hit my stomach.
"Fuck, I should not have looked down," I said aloud.
"Don't worry about it. Just relax and jump," Trent pushed.
"I don't see you jumping, tough guy." I joked.
I looked up into the sky only thinking about how terrified I was and imagining everything that
could go wrong. I closed my eyes, let go of all my doubt, leaned back, and loosened my grip around

the railing until I fell off the bridge.

I didn't jump to impress anyone or gain recognition, but I felt I needed to do it for my own sake. I
needed to challenge myself so that I could gain more confidence and add to my experiences.
I fell airborne into the water and destroyed the smooth surface. I became submerged in the murky
water for several seconds. I opened my eyes and couldn't see which direction the surface was under
the dark murkiness. Everywhere I looked, I only saw muddy and diluted water. My instinct took
control of my body and I swam to the surface.
Every once in a while my instinct revealed itself and took control. My instinct carried me into
places I was unable to reach myself. I was baffled by the physical manifestations it brought me into.
My instinct never failed me.
In middle school, I was overcome by a peer named Dean Felske in gym class. The gym class was
playing a game of dodge ball and Dean had come up behind me and pulled me into a head lock
while trying to rip the softball from my hands. I tried to throw him off me but didn't have the
strength to do so. Two popular girls, who I was just starting to acquaint myself with, took notice and
started laughing at me. My instinct took over and I tossed Dean into the air and onto my back and
spun him around like a rag doll before throwing him onto the gym floor.
I was shocked by what I had been capable of after instinct took over. I wanted to harness that
energy and unleash it at moments of my choosing, but unfortunately no one can control the
powerful entities within our body. They show themselves at the right triggers.
Jumping off that bridge wasn't the smartest thing to do when I was somewhat intoxicated but I
did it and it felt good.
This became my obsession, I needed to have some big meaningful experience everyday.
Something dangerous or perhaps egotistical in order to feel accomplished. If I didn't do something
great; I felt like that specific day had been a waste. I always had to do something productive.
I swam back to the shore where Nick and Lee beached upon. "Holy fuck," I breathed heavily,
"the jump was nothing, it's trying to swim against the current."
"I know," Lee breathed while sitting upon a boulder. He was still recovering his breath as well.
Nick, Lee, and I returned to the bridge where Trent and Alison awaited like they promised. Nick
and Lee insisted on going for a second jump but I had already accomplished what I had wanted to
do. They both jumped again and swam back to shore. It seemed someone had witnessed what was
going on and called the Police. An officer was walking along the shore line waiting for Nick and
Lee to come out of the water before arresting them.
"It was a good thing I didn't go for that second jump," I told Trent and Alison.
The three of us left the area and walked further into the park across the bridge. Alison dropped
down in the grass and planted her hands to both sides of herself. "Fuck, I feel really fucked up," she
laughed. I sat down beside her and told her she found a decent spot to relax. It was inside a little
clearing surrounded by trees.
"Where are we?" I asked as I seemed to have been in the middle of nowhere except I could see
high rises in the distance over the trees.
"We're in Kingsway Park," Trent informed me, "this is where I do a lot of deals."

Alison leaned over toward me and planted her face against mine. She shoved her tongue in my
mouth and forced my body flat against the ground before boldly climbing on top of me
"What the fuck," Trent said aloud. It seemed Alison came back to reality and pulled herself away
from me. I wanted to say something but didn't. I wondered what the hell was going on in that mind
of hers; she pulled a similar thing with Trent almost an hour ago.
Trent and I began walking away while Alison was still laying in the field. She didn't seem to be
moving. Trent asked me how I knew her, I told him that I recently met her through a friend and we
only hung a few times. I later learned that telling him this was a mistake, his intentions were to
disregard me from the equation and find a way to sleep with her.
Trent walked back over to Alison and piggy backed her back into the city. Alison seemed on the
verge of passing out. I got bored and grabbed a taxi back to my house.

***

Trent called me the next morning. "Man, that chick you had with you is a freak! After you left I
took her home and she pulled me into her room, grabbed my hands and started shoving them down
her pants. She freaked out again though and asked what the fuck I was doing and told me to get out.
She threw a book at me."
"What the fuck, I replied and was then rendered speechless. I never knew how fucked up she
was. "You know I liked her, right?"
"Yeah," Trent responded like that was irrelevant.
"Dick!" I laughed, "Whatever. To hell with the girl." Alison was drama and I was right to not get
emotionally involved.
Trent invited me to come hang out with him and I took him up on his offer.
Before leaving I flipped open my lap top and found Alison online, I asked about what happened
with Trent. Told her about what he told me. "No. That didn't happen at all," she messaged, "he tried
and I denied. Can I ask another favor though? How much money do you have? I need some to buy
some E."
I laughed and hit delete on her ass.
Over the week Trent and I hung out nearly every day and I would assist him with selling herb so
that we could earn liquor money.
Trent and I were hanging out downtown on route to meet a potential customer. As we were
walking through the outskirts of downtown we saw a male that had a girl backed up against a wall.
"I'll fucking kill you, bitch!" he screamed in her face and slapped her across the face a few times.
Trent whispered to me that he knew this girl and that she was his friend. "Follow my lead, I
might need back up."
I froze up with a little bit of fear. I had never been in a real fight before. I had a few
confrontations with enemies that took a turn for the worse nothing intentionally inflicting true

bodily harm.
Trent and I walked over. Trent confronted the guy and came inches from his face. "Back the fuck
off or I'm going to kick the shit out of you, fag."
The guy looked Trent dead in the face and said, "Stay out of my fucking business, bitch!" A
moment of tension passed until the guy walked back to Trent's female friend and slapped her in the
face once more.
Trent lost it. Trent leaped forward and grabbed the collar of man's shirt. Trent raised his fist and
struck him down with two brutal blows to the face.
The abusive stranger dropped to the ground with blood dripping down his face. Trents opponent
had a blank expression of shock and then Trent grabbed him by the throat with one hand and
grabbed his shirt with the other. Trent threw him head first into the cement wall beside us and he let
out a strained grunt as he fell unconscious.
My eyes were wide with shock and adrenaline. This was likely the most violent act I'd witnessed
as a young teenager.
Trent went over to the girl as she was in tears. Trent made sure she was physically okay and told
her to go home. The girl nodded and disappeared down the street. Trents knuckles were swollen,
gashed, and one of them fractured. I told him we should go to the hospital.
"Yeah, I think so," Trent spoke.
Luckily the Hospital was only a twenty minute walk from where we were. I accompanied Trent
to the hospital, when we arrived in the main entrance, he spotted a wheel chair and jumped in it to
have fun on the way to the check in. He never took anything seriously.

Chapter 8
The Underlying Tension

A month later Leah got in contact with me. She was eager to see me again and said she was
coming to Edmonton the next day. She didn't really leave any room for negotiation but I thought I
could use a friendly face.
She found a ride into the city and we met at West Edmonton Mall. Leah brought Alison. Alison,
didn't bring anything up other than the fact that I didn't talk to her anymore. She was friendly to a
point, but was bitchy more than anything. She had demands every twenty minutes and if they
weren't met, she'd have a fit. Somebody needs to buy me some fucking smokes or I'm going to flip
out, she'd say.
Leah obliged Alison and after her smoke we went to go play glow in the dark mini golf. Leah let
it slip that Fordyce broke up with her boyfriend. That meant something to me but I played it off like
I didn't care about her anymore because I knew Leah was still infatuated with me. She couldn't have
made it any more obvious when she was calling our time together a date and abnormally laughed at
all my remarks.
I was trying to convince Leah to ditch Alison but she wouldn't do it because it was her cousin.
Alison was the most annoying and clueless third wheel I had ever known. I finally got fed up
with the bullshit, threw my hands up in the air and announced that I was leaving. I began walking
away from the two of them and Leah chased after me and snatched my hand. You can't go. I'm
sorry I brought her but you are my two favourite people in the world and I just wanted to spend one
day with both of you.
Get rid of her, I demanded, and I'll stick around.
I can't do that. Please just stay, she pleaded.
Goodbye, I said with finality.
I went home that night and emailed Fordyce after nearly two months of no communication. She
was happy that I reached out to her.
I have so much to tell you, she told me, you were like my best friend and you were always the
first person I wanted to share things with, but you went on one of those things where you wouldn't
talk to me for months.
You know it was hard for me to be friends with you while you were with a guy that was
supposed to be me.
Yeah, well that's over. It didn't work between Devon and I. He cheated on me and kept lying
about it.
Fordyce and I enticed each other with what was new in our lives and she told me that she was in
Spruce Grove, a little town just twenty minutes outside of Edmonton.

You're only twenty minutes away? I gasped, I'm still in Edmonton! We can see each other!
We'll I'm only here for the night and then my friends and I are going to Calgary tomorrow.
You have no time tonight and arent going to be sticking around at all tomorrow?
Well, we might be going into the city for a couple hours. I'll text you if I have time to see you. I
got a new web cam by the way and I haven't tested it out, do you have one?
She sent me an invite into a video conversation and I was immediately flooded with emotion. I
hadn't so much as looked at a picture of her for almost two months and it overwhelmed me to see
her and hear her voice.
I got weak and had to unload the feelings that I had been repressing since the last time I'd seen
her.
I told her that it didn't matter how many times I could block her out of my life or how far in
denial I was, I was unable to shake my longing for her. She still popped up in my head all the time
and every time I met a girl, I compared them to her. I was unable to be at peace with that kind of
need hanging over my shoulders.
Fordyce stared into the web cam, her eyes glossed over and I could see the hurt she felt. I could
feel my own eyes become blurry with tears just barely breaking surface tension.
I'm sorry, she said,if I could be with you, I would. If we were closer and the situation was
better.
I'm right here in Edmonton, Fordyce. You're not far from me.
I can't. I don't think it's a good idea to see you tomorrow now either.
Why? I scoffed.
You think you know me but you don't. I love the way you think of me and you leave me
breathless with the things you say but I'm not good for you. I'm not a good person and you deserve
better than me.
If I don't know you, than let me get to know you. We can't truly connect on a personal level
when you're always hiding behind a computer screen and never telling me how you feel. I can pick
up on how you feel a lot of time, but I can never be sure.
You don't know how I feel.
I can read it in your face. I love you, I know you have something for me too so why do you
fight yourself so much?
How can you know it's love?
Because I've fallen for a lot of girls, at times it really feels like love too, but I know it's real with
you because nothing has ever compared to what I feel for you, and I've never been stuck with a
feeling like this for so long. It's practically been a year, Fordyce. A year since I met you at CSMT
and those feelings are still there. Nothing has ever inspired me or motivated me more than you. This
hold you have over me has molded me into a much better person.
Fordyce had water running down her cheeks now.I feel the same way about you, she told me,
maybe not the exact same way, but it's too late. I made mistakes and I don't want you getting any
of my baggage.

What mistakes? What baggage?

I've been really depressed lately. I decided to be anorexic because I hate my body, I've been
doing lots of drugs and I think I'm becoming an alcoholic. I gave up all my dreams, I'm not going to
go anywhere like you. I'm so happy that you're inspired and motivated by me but if I enter your life
than I'm just going to drag you down with me. I'm carrying a lot of guilt around. A couple nights
ago I was at a party and I got really drunk. I lost my virginity to this guy I only knew for a few days
because I felt sorry for him. Trust me, you don't want me. I stared at Fordyce wordlessly. A tear
escaped my eye and fell down my cheek. See, Fordyce continued after seeing the tear on my face,
I'm not good for you.
A guy without a shirt on walked into the room behind Fordyce. When she realized he was there
she quickly grabbed the mouse and signed off MSN.
I regretted talking to her instantly as I fell into a deep state of disarray. I wasn't ready to talk to
her again let alone hear that. I deleted Fordyce once more and slammed my lap top shut and didn't
dare open it for the rest of the night.
I walked over to the liquor cabinet, grabbed tequila and raspberry vodka and sat down on my
bed. I stared at my clock for about twenty minutes watching each minute pass by slowly and then I
began downing shot by shot from each bottle.
In a moment of intoxication, I called Leah and explained that I needed to see her immediately.
She was already out of town but Leah assured me she would talk to some friends and get a ride back
to Edmonton. Half an hour later she called me back and said she would be in Edmonton in an hour.

Chapter 9
The Bitch

I woke up feeling a massive headache with the phone in my hand and all the lights on. I passed
out and I woke up confused and was desperately trying to think of how the night ended. All I
remembered was feeling broken up about Fordyce. I looked at the phone's call log and remembered
calling Leah and saw nine missed calls from her.
Oh fuck, I moaned and called her back immediately, Leah, hey...
Where the fuck are you? I thought you were dead. I tried to call you like fifty times.
I'm sorry, I was really drunk and now I'm hungover as fuck.
Oh, I guess I came to Edmonton for nothing.
No, I'll feel bad. I'll come see you. Where are you?
I'm in my friend's truck. We slept here for the night because we were waiting for you to call.
Come pick me up. I'll come back to Vegreville with you, I told Leah. She had wanted me to
come see her hometown for some time so I offered to go there to make her a little less frustrated
about having to sleep in a truck. They picked me up at my house and we drove out to Vegreville, a
small town an hour north of Edmonton.
When we arrived, Leah brought me into her house and into her bedroom. I sat down on her bed.
My hangover was half gone.
Leah sat down on the bed next to me.
"Tell me what's wrong. I know there is something wrong."
"It's none of your concern," I said emotionless.
"I care about you. I want to help."
I shifted my body posture away from her.
"Does it have something to do with Jordan?"
"Possibly..." I accidentally breathed under my breath.
"I can talk to her for you. We're like sisters, she listens to me."
"What's done is done. It can be undone. This complicates everything for me. I can't think about
her the same way again."
"What did she do, Jordan? Just tell me," Leah urged gently as she grabbed my hand and held it in
hers.
"She slept with someone. It was her first and she didn't even like the guy. She told me she did it
out of pity. I thought...I just thought she was better then that. I thought she had some self respect. I

can't stop these feelings for her! I love her and it hurts so much knowing that she lost her virginity
and she didn't even take my feelings into account. She used to care about what I thought. She used
to admire my perspective. I just want these feelings for her to end! I can't stop them and they keep
polluting my brain with self destructive thoughts," I said in an aggravated tone.
"Oh my god. I'm so sorry, Jordan. I can't believe she'd do something like that. I'm just as
surprised as you are right now," she said, her face revealing shock.
The room stood in silence for the next few minutes. I was busy being absorbed by my sorrow
while Leah was inert, unknowing what to say.
"Jordan," Leah whispered very softly, "I'm here for you, I always have been. I love you, Jordan.
Forget about Fordyce, she doesn't care about your feelings and if she did, she wouldn't have done
that to you. She doesn't deserve you, but I do. I've always cared about you since the beginning. Just
let me in."
Her eyes gazed deeply into mine and she leaned forward brushing her lips against mine. Then
planted her lips on me tightly as she wrapped her arms around me. I grabbed onto her and pulled
both of us down onto the bed.
She climbed on top of me while barely letting any space come between us. She pulled her shirt
off and then hastily pulled mine off with desperation. Leah had been wanting this for months, she
wanted it done before I had a chance to change my mind. She moved down my body kissing my
stomach and started to undo my jeans.
I looked over her head staring at the ceiling. I thought about why I shouldn't just stop her now.
Fordyce was never going to happen, she wasn't a part of the equation anymore so their was no need
to save myself. I leaned my head back and let it happen.

***

"Are you fucking with me? You don't want to go out with me? What the fuck was last night!
You're not going to fuck and chuck me! If anybody asks, I fucked and chucked you. All you ever
did was whine about your fucking Jordan Fordyce. Wah, she doesn't believe in long distance, wah, I
love her and can't stop my feelings. This is the biggest mistake of your life!" Leah screamed as she
threw my phone at me. It missed and hit the wall leaving a dent.
"Get over it," I told her while putting my shirt back on.
"Oh, I am over it. I never liked you. I just felt sorry for you! "
"Don't kid yourself, Leah. I think you've got your feelings mixed up with mine," I told her as I
walked out of the room.
"You're going to get stomped!" Leah shouted as I left.

I took a cab back into the city. It cost me over a hundred dollars. On the way back I got a half
dozen phone calls from Leah, her friends, her ex boyfriends, and older men she probably promised
to fuck if they threatened me.
From the beginning, I could not have been more wrong about Leah. Upon meeting her, I took her
for a girl of a wealthy family, intelligent, outgoing, and caring.
Leah turned out to be a single daughter with her mother living on welfare, only cared about
drama, and for things to go her way, and liked guiding conversations toward times she got into
fights with other girls and pulled their hair until they cried. And last of all, she prided herself on an
ever growing number of older guys she fucked.
Leah made herself out to be a whiny, incompetent, bitch who talked about suicide. She always
talked about how shitty her life was. It was no surprise that her life was in fact shitty. She
continuously made poor decisions despite anyone's advice against them. She could easily earn a life
of fulfilment and accomplishment, but she made decisions that benefited no one. She acted
irrational, spiteful, and was completely ignorant and blind to level-headed choices. She would
choose to assault someone because they called her stupid, she always resorted to the worst possible
choice for nearly everything.
After getting back to Edmonton, I decided to leave Leah in the past. Fordyce: alienated. Leah:
alienated. Neither of them were a part of the equation anymore. I was enraged.
I vowed to become one of those asshole guys. A player who didn't care and got what he wanted.
Girls were going to become disposable pleasures to me.
I got to know many girls in the coming month and went on more than two dozen dates.
sometimes up to three in a day. How did I get so many girls to meet me in such a short amount of
time? I launched a secret online campaign browsing for women online and messaging them with cut
and pasted routines. I measured the success rates of many and found the best routines and
techniques to use. I had a successfully engineered response for almost anything a girl could to say to
me.
Nexopia is a relic of social media today, but it was once commonly used and filled by teens and
young adults. Nexopia was what I found to be my primary hunting ground.
And everytime I traveled, I searched all female Nexopia users in that area, and would find myself
having dates arranged with girls before I even arrived.
It was always a numbers game with me. The same door-to-door salesmans logic: knock on ten
doors and at least one will answer. Well about three in ten girls were answering but one in ten were
willing to set plans to meet. In a month I messaged around three-hundred women, so that was thirty
potential girls to meet and date.
Despite my theory that all girls in the end were the same, selfish, self-centered, and dramatic, I
still deeply desired a significant other. It was the salesman's approach at work again. I pursued all
women that reached my minimum standard but the beauty in mass relationships was that I could
have more women than I could handle and in the end choose the one I wanted. I could be the guy
with options and if love should ever present itself to me again, and I felt fully confident that I
wouldn't be hurt, I would let everyone else go and be primarily devoted to her. It was a process of
elimination.
The more girls I met, the more I hated the female gender. Nearly every girl did something that

would have hurt me if I was emotionally invested. Usually, most of them would either cheat, lie,
act, or deceive for their own personal gain. I also began to notice a popular line come up with most
of these girls: lets just be friends. The line had become infamous and it was an insult. Lets just be
friends was a cheap consolation prize for your efforts.
Molly, we really hit it off and enjoyed each others company. We were moving fast and their was
a lot of chemistry. She would call me up at night and had this weird thing where she always wanted
to masturbate on the phone with me. That ended when her grandpa walked in on her while she was
on the phone. We continued seeing each other until she dropped the fact that she had a kid and
wanted me to father it.
Karla, she was perfect. She filled my mental and physical expectations and things were great
other than the occasional freak out where she would have a personality change for a day and not tell
me what was going on, then wanted to go on acting like we were destined to be married the next
day, then deciding I wasn't good enough for her again. Her excuse for her bipolar attitude was that
she needed to test me to see if I would always keep fighting for her. Next!
Tori, she loved to play mind games, lived for it, got off on it, I was too smart for her though and
out gamed her.
Emma, she was a rich, daddy's girl and drove a mustang whom her dad bought for her sweet
sixteen. She wasn't so good with social situations and she stuttered when she talked. She was drop
dead gorgeous though and let me drive her car. It was cool until I was over at her house while her
parents weren't home...or so she thought and I got a very formal threat from her father.
Caitlin, I auditioned for a local play but didn't make the cut. Caitlin didn't make the cut either but
we hit it off and began hanging out at each others houses and would make out in each other's rooms.
Then she told me she liked someone else and stopped seeing me.
Amanda, we met up for our first date at the movie theater but that didn't go so well because we
were too busy watching the movie to actually talk to each other Our second date was to the fair, we
went on rides and had a blast. Had some deep moments and really connected. The next day I was
received a message from her boyfriend.
Amy, she was a friend of Amanda's. We went on a romantic walk through the park and watched
the sun set. We stayed out all night making out in a soccer field. She didn't know Amanda and I
dated not long ago and decided to stop seeing me after accusing me of being a player.
Jessica, she was the pretty raver girl. She took me to my first rave and introduced me to the
world of drugs and serious hearing damage. She took me back to her house after the rave and
wouldn't stop cuddling with me while on ecstasy. Everything was good until she told me she wanted
me to give her a baby. When I wouldn't comply she found someone else, got knocked up, and ended
up a single mother.
Drama ensued with all of these girls and I thought it was my civic duty to let these girls know
that they were inadequate human beings. Naturally, this escalated the problems.
I had begun drinking every night because I thought it calmed the nerves. Before I knew it, I was
doing it all the time. All my emotions had pent up until they were overwhelming. I had to find new
ways to release all the anger, depression, and feelings of disconnection because alcohol just wasn't
doing it for me anymore.
For days I wouldn't sleep, I always felt sick, my state had taken a physical toll on my body. In

time, I felt like I lost my emotion all together. I just felt dead and empty, not caring about much of
anything. There was no will or motivation in me.
My whole life, I thought I had the will and drive to succeed and go further than most people in
their lifetimes, but know I didn't know what I had anymore. People were beginning to dislike the
person I was and I started to become an enigma.
In the end, I had become so self destructive to myself that I started thinking about the cause; the
female gender had so much power over me. I didn't feel like this because of women. I felt this way
because I was lacking in major areas of my life, and women just had the power to bring me out of it
for a moment. When they acted out in a cruel manner, it destroyed me. I needed to fix myself.
I've been here before. I've been here more than once. A little bit of my pride, glory, ego, and self
worth sift back into place; the strongest opponents to my minds current occupants. I've been at rock
bottom before. I know that if I pick myself back up and reinvent myself once again I will only find
a demise back here in this hole once more.
Looking back on myself, I realize that every time I have climbed out of the hole, I come back
stronger, more determined, and more successful than I'd ever been. Perhaps this curse is my greatest
blessing. I am doomed to return to this hole until it molds me into the best I can be. Each and every
time making further strides to success.
Something wasn't working in Edmonton and I needed a change of scenery. I needed to take
things from a different approach. I needed out. I decided to go back to British Columbia. I was
never happy there either but needed to get out of my current circumstances.
I took the next greyhound back to British Columbia.

II
We're just fragile machines programmed with a false sense of our own importance. And every
now and then the universe sends a reminder that we don't really matter to it.
Neil Strauss, The Game

Chapter 1
Preconcieved Perceptions

During the eighteen hour bus ride back to my hometown, I decided to fulfil my promise to
Jordan Fordyce and finally read the "Twilight Saga." It was about a girl who moved to a small town
and fell in love with a vampire. Needless to say it was garbage. the stuff for teenage girls in early
puberty. I couldn't help imagining myself as Edward and Fordyce as Bella.
I'd been out of touch with Jordan Fordyce for a while again and I was still unable to completely
forget about her. I had thoughts that reminisced my regret and her neglect.
In that moment, I realized that I depended on other people for my happiness. I wasn't happy with
my accomplishments, the outstanding things I'd experienced, or even the basic needs I had met my
entire life. I only cared about how others viewed me, I cared about ego, image, and the illusion of
importance in the world. It was an epiphany from the long hours of my self reflection. Obviously, I
couldn't change the egotistical personality within me over night but it was definitely something I
could work toward.
One of the passengers started complaining to the bus driver and interrupted my thoughts. "I had
two pieces of luggage and Greyhound lost them both! What am I suppose to do about that!" the
passenger yelled in a very hostile tone.
"You can call customer service when you get to your destination," the driver explained, "you can
sort it out then."
My phone buzzed with the noise of a text message. It was Jordan Fordyce.
"Speak of the devil," I muttered to myself ambivalently. I wondered what she could possibly
want, but at the same time became hopeful of what could come after that moment.
"Hello, Fordyce."
"Hey, what's new?" she asked, trying to casually befriend me again.
"Why are you talking to me?" I replied.
"I feel really bad for the last time we talked. I could really use someone right now and you're like
my other half, the other Jordan, Fordyce said really awkwardly
"Why did you choose now to get back in touch with me?" I asked suspiciously.
"I've been getting my shit together and I'm going to be in Edmonton again soon. I thought we
could see each other
My face turned red with mixed emotions. I was in Edmonton the whole summer and she chooses
the day I leave to tell me this.
I'm sorry for the way things happened, Fordyce expressed. I want us to be friends. Aside from
all the troubles between us, we always had this kind of connection. I don't want to lose it so when

you're back in B.C and all settled in, call me, okay?
I agreed that we should be friends and promised I would call her. It was too hard to be friends
with her in the past because I couldn't watch her make mistakes and be with other people. But
perhaps I should've always been her friend, maybe if I was there for her the entire time, she might
not have slipped away as far as she did. If I remain friends with her, maybe I can win her over for
good, I thought.
It was good to know that she wanted to be in my life as a friend. I was only worried that it could
rekindle more feelings and renew what I'd been so desperately trying to get over.
A couple hours later, the bus had been delayed by a build up of traffic. Eventually the cause of
the traffic was visible. The remains of a van were sitting in the middle of the road ablaze. Fire
crackled and snapped from the black, burnt to a crisp wreck.
"I don't feel so bad about my luggage," the angry passenger from earlier announced, "now I
know someone is having a crappier day than me."
When I had arrived back in Nelson, British Columbia, my father was waiting for me at the
station.
"Welcome back," he greeted. We put my luggage in the hatchback of the Toyota Matrix. My
father asked me questions about the trip. I was surprised by how friendly he had acted after the
dramatic exit I made from my home. I replied to all his questions trying to be as vague as
possible. I didn't want him to know that I lost my virginity, that I hooked up with more girls than I
could count, that I sold drugs, witnessed assaults, and fell into a dissatisfying and depressing mess.
It felt nice to be back in a familiar place despite how much I disliked it before. It was boring, the
people were stuck up, and the town was built mostly on hills. I guess it was good for me, there was
less opportunity to get myself into trouble and I could give myself the chance to feel stable again.
My last year in secondary school was starting in less than a week so I decided to get caught up
with some friends that missed me over the summer. I never really mentioned anything to anyone
about what had happened, it wasn't something I liked to talk about and my general trust for people
was gone.
Over the next two months, my drinking habits hadn't gone down and I was going through three
bottles of vodka per week . It definitely wasn't healthy but it did keep my emotions under control to
a point. Liquor would become my vice; I became a different person under the influence and I
trusted my drunken-self more than I trusted my real-self. I trusted the person who had confidence,
didn't give a fuck, was irrational, and went after what he really wanted without weighing the
consequences. Somehow, I thought he was better.
My parents had purchased a new car, the 2009 Toyota Matrix. A car Id wanted for my own
since racing around in one with Nick and convinced my parents to get before I left to Edmonton. I
took the vehicle to drive out to parties in the middle of the night without the knowledge of my
parents. Sometimes when I needed an outlet for my emotions, I took the vehicle out of town to
speed down highways as fast as I could get the car to go and fly around corners. I'd done most of
this after Id been drinking.
I eventually phoned Jordan Fordyce, she was so happy to hear from me. We shared our problems
with each other and she simply listened. She helped me cope with what I was going through. She
had regained control of her life and was excelling fast. She was getting into University programs

while still in high school and I couldn't help but be impressed.

I went to school everyday despite my sleepless nights. Being young it seemed I could handle
an all-nigher without consequences. Throughout the days I began to notice a girl in the halls of
my school that would frequently glance towards me and occasionally stare. She had platinum,
blonde hair with brown stemming from the roots, blue eyes, and lips that were far too big for her
face. Every time I walked through that hallway, I could feel her eyes burning into the back of my
skull.
In drama class, a new student had arrived. She had jet black hair and brown eyes that were shifty
and unnerving. She was an open target, someone who would be easy to socialize with. Every year
there was a collection of new students. I seeked them out and befriended them before anyone else
did so I could find friendship before they were aware of my low reputation. Most people within my
school viewed me like the school leader of geeks and nerds, yet I never associated myself with
them. So I tried to associate myself with the new students when their future stereotype was
unknown to them.
I walked up to the new girl as she was speaking with Taylor, a prep girl. I introduced myself.
"You look like you're totally confused with who to talk to." I said giving Taylor a backhanded
insult. Taylor walked away in avoidance of me.
"Well, who should I talk to than?" the new girl challenged.
"You're talking to me right now so you're already doing that right," I smirked with cocky humor,
"Where you from and what brings you to this hick town?
"Calgary and because I have to stay with my aunt because I got kicked out of my mom's house."
"Oh, you're the trouble making kind," I stated.
"Yeah, I am," she replied far too seriously.
Her name was Victoria and we had some chemistry.
A week later in the comfort of my home, I found a new friend request on Facebook from the girl
who constantly gazed at me in the halls. Her name was Melissa Barrie. Curious of her, I decided to
accept the request.
The next day at school while walking down the same hall I usually saw Melissa in, she was
gazing at me more steadily than ever. I nearly made it to the end of the hall until I felt someone
wrap their arms around me from behind.
"Yay, you accepted me!" Melissa yelled excitedly in a squeaky voice.
I had already felt uncomfortable from her constant gazing everyday and now she had hugged me
when we had never spoken a word to each other "You're not one of those socially awkward girls are
you?" I asked while I spun around on her.
"No," she laughed, "you have gorgeous eyes."
"Thanks," I replied as I had begun to walk away.
"You have a nice ass too!" she shouted before I disappeared around the corner.
The following week consisted of Melissa and I getting to know each other and myself drawing
physically close to Victoria.

Melissa, she filled the week with surprise hugs and random compliments. I tried not to pay much
attention to her but she was quite persistent.
Victoria, she treated me like her only friend in drama class. Since our initial interaction, she
approached me every time I came through the doors to the theater to make light conversation. In
time I grew closer to her and she became a regular friend. After a few extra classes I got her number
and we began to text each other regularly.
Melissa, I still didn't quite know what to make of her, so I gave in and decided it wouldn't do any
harm to get to know her. I replied to one of the many messages she sent me on Facebook. She
seemed like a very positive and kind individual. I found it easy to open up to her so I informed her
of a little bit about myself. She was non-judgmental and wanted to help with my problems. She held
up a trustworthy persona, so I slowly opened up to her a little bit more and more every night.
Eventually, I told her about my experiences, my drinking problem, my brutal depression and
feelings of insignificance and disconnection. She took it all in and genuinely cared for what I went
through. It was the first time I opened up to anybody and trusted someone in the town. She wasn't
like most people and I admired her for that.
Victoria, I eventually learned that the reasons she had to retreat to another province were the
same reasons I would begin to greatly dislike her. She disregarded anyone else's feelings or
problems. She only acted on things that benefited her and only regarded another's problems or
misfortunes if it affected her too.
I proceeded getting to know her until I felt it was time I asked her to hang out outside of school.
She agreed to meeting up one night and we had discovered that we lived across the street from each
other I walked down the street to the corner of the opposite block from me. I found Victoria waiting
for me on top of a short staircase that laid beneath a vigorous oak tree. Under this oak tree and on
those stairs was where many deep conversations took place and sexual tension had built up.
"I have to tell you something," Victoria told me after many nights of meeting there.
"What is it?" I asked as my curiosity spiked.
"I'm not sure I can say it in words," she smiled.
"So say it an action?" I suggested.
Victoria placed her hand on the side of my face and leaned in to place her lips on mine. We made
out for a good few minutes until I pulled away. "That's a good way to explain it. You should explain
it to me a little bit more," I remarked beckoning her back over. Victoria wordlessly engaged her lips
with mine again and the night melted into a bliss.
Melissa, she had grown affectionate toward me and asked if I would go to the movies with her. I
saw no harm in it. Throughout the movie she placed her hand on mine and rubbed her thumb
against the side of my palm continuously. At the end of the movie she played with her hair and
looked at me like she had been in a trance. She bit her lip and I could tell she was begging for me to
kiss her. I wasn't attracted to her and went home leaving her without a kiss.
Victoria and I actually snuck behind the stage curtains of the theater the next morning and made
out. This time I reached my hands under her shirt and slid my hand under her bra while exploring
the rest of her body. We tacitly gave each other the status of being in a relationship. We didn't need
to talk about it and or ask each other We both knew that we were exclusive.

I met Victoria under the oak tree again for the tenth time that week. We continued to do the same
activities we did every other night; kiss, caress each other, and talk about what she wanted to do
when she was on her birth control once again. She eventually complained she had to go and I went
back home and poured myself a strong drink like I did almost every other night.
I checked my email and found more death threats from Leah and her friends, I had been getting
them ever since the summer. I sent her back some of her own medicine thinking nothing of it.
My phone indicated that I just received a text message. I grabbed my phone to see that it was
from Melissa."Hey Jordan, it's my friend Sydney's Birthday tonight and we're going drinking
downtown. Can you come?"
I agreed and sent Melissa my reply. She arranged that we meet at the bus stop that was at the core
of the town's main street it was only a five minute walk from my house.
When I had reached the bus stop, I approached a large group that consisted of a dozen girls.
There was a really short girl named Sydney the birthday girl, and a pair of twins that went by
the names of Nicole and Jessica.
Sydney had brown hair with a reddish tint, brown eyes, and a face full of freckles. She had a
care-free attitude about herself and was very outgoing. She dressed like a skater punk and used
more slang than you could fit into a dictionary.
Nicole and Jessica were identical twins and had opposite opinions of me. From the moment
Nicole and I met she was intrigued by me. From the moment Jessica and I met, she had shown great
distaste for me. They were both tall, slender, brown haired, hazel eye'd, and dressed in preps
clothing.
Among other girls I had met were Amber, Hazen, and Felica. I had recognized Amber from my
dance class but had never officially met her and I knew Hazen because I had met her randomly at a
bush party years ago.
I made some jokes as I entered the group and threw on a humorous personality. Felica's body
language became very inviting toward me and she laughed at all my jokes.
Melissa's face flickered with jealousy and she came over to greet me with a tight hug. Melissa
asked what I was up to before I came down. I told her I was planning on going for a drive and
Melissa frowned at the idea since Id told her about a night I'd already gotten into an accident. I
clipped the rear corner of the new car against a truck.
She demanded the keys to the car but I was unwilling to give them up. Melissa began to step
closer toward me with hostility. I backed away and went across the street where the area
transitioned to suburban. I knew Melissa would follow and this was a ploy to bring her away from
the crowd. What I didn't expect was Nicole, that followed closely behind her.
Melissa tackled me into the grass of someones yard and reached her hand into my pocket. "You
have no sense of someone's personal place!" I stated loudly. My comment didn't phase Melissa; she
ripped the key from my pocket. I started toward her but as I did she tossed it over to Nicole where
she placed them into her bra.
"Don't think I won't go down there," I said sternly while extending my hand for them back.
"Yeah, not happening," Nicole said proudly to herself like she had just done a good deed.

"If you give me my keys back," I started, "I will..." I cut off trying to think of what I could
possibly offer.
"Nope, you're not getting them back until the end of the night," she said in the same proud tone
and walked back across the street and rejoined the group. I decided getting my keys back later
would be a good idea if I needed something to initiate more conversation with her later in the night.
Melissa pulled me aside while the rest of the group socialized.
"We've been talking for weeks and this is the first time we've actually hung out together," I
stated.
"Oh yeah, I just noticed that," she said flirtatiously with her squeaky voice.
"Nicole better give my keys back or I'm going to hold you responsible," I told Melissa.
"Or what?" Melissa challenged.
I knew Melissa was attracted to me. It was more than obvious; her persistence with trying to talk
to me, the random hugs, multiple compliments, and the flirtatious tone of her voice when she spoke
to me.
"Or you won't earn a kiss from me, I threatened.
"I wouldn't mind kissing you," she admitted almost at a loss of words. She desired it but never
expected it to be a possibility.
In the impulsiveness of the moment, I leaned forward and gave Melissa a steady peck. Melissa's
smile glowed through her lips and her cheeks turned flush with red. I'm not sure why I kissed her,
curiosity probably. I felt like I'd regret it. Melissa was clearly infatuated with me but I looked at her
more as a friend. I knew that by kissing her, I had probably just made any of her future advances
and persistence stronger.
"We should get back to the group," I said plainly.
Melissa and I walked back across the street and rejoined the group. As I engaged Felica in more
conversation, I tried not to make eye contact with Melissa, who was still staring at me with content
and passion.
The birthday girl, Sydney, announced that she needed someone to help her find a bootleg for
smokes.
"I can help you find some smokes," I offered in hope to distance myself from Melissa.
Sydney and I then parted from the group to a gas station a couple blocks away. Sydney turned
out to be very interesting.
"So why have I never seen you before, birthday girl?"
Sydney had explained to me that she had just moved to Nelson from Fort Saskatchewan. a
town just outside Edmonton.
"So how do you like living in the pot smoking capital of Canada?" I asked Sydney.
"It's dope shit. I love it here, she replied.
I approached a shady looking man outside the gas station and asked if he could grab a pack of
smokes for us. The man obliged and Sydney handed him a twenty.

"How old are you today?"

"It's my sweet sixteen today, man. I want tonight to be fucking dank."
The man came back out and handed Sydney the cigarettes.
"Can you get us alcohol too?" Sydney asked me in hopefulness.
"Not a very well planned birthday party," I laughed as Sydney handed me thirty dollars. "What
makes you think I'm any better at getting liquor?"
"You're already drunk," Sydney chuckled, "you must have connections."
I approached a few men outside the liquor store that refused. one even gave a lecture about
how teenagers shouldn't be drinking. A man eventually assisted me and I rejoined Sydney and the
group with a bottle of whiskey.
"Let's go drink at Gyro," Felica recommended.
Gyro was a city park that was built upon a ridge that you could see the whole town from.
When we reached Gyro Park, we walked through an area of shrubs and sat down in a circle
under a canopy of trees. We began passing the bottle around after each of us took a shot. Melissa
and Amber couldn't handle any amount of liquor at all. They took about three shots each and
weren't able to stand on two feet almost immediately.
The night turned into a disaster.
Melissa and Amber were screaming immaturely about things that didn't make any sense. Amber
ran further into the bush and dropped herself to the ground and began crying for what seemed like
no reason at all.
Half the group shot unimpressed glances off to each other and decided to leave due to the
uninhibited and mentally strange behaviour. Hazen, Felica, and Jessica had decided to leave with
the rest of the group. Only Sydney, Nicole, and I had remained with Melissa and Amber.
Melissa stood up and jumped into my arms. "I love you, Jordan," she said with a smug smile on
her face. Melissa's body weight collapsed in my arms and I gentle lowered her into grass. Melissa
got back up and shot me a seductive glare.
I had to get out of there.
As I had begun to leave the park, Sydney had grabbed my arm. "Where are you going?" she
asked in a panic, her beady eyes pleading for me to stay, "Please don't leave me to take care of them
by myself."
"Alright," I replied in surrender, "I'll go check on Amber and you can restrain Melissa.
"I want to go home," Nicole whined as she sat down on top of a large rock.
I walked over to Amber and Melissa began to follow. Sydney blocked Melissa and held her back.
"Jordan! I thought you liked me. Whats wrong? Am I not good looking enough? It's okay, I won't
tell my boyfriend about you. It'll be a secret," Melissa shouted at me.
I froze where I stood. She had a boyfriend and she was hitting on me so aggressively. I was
already neck deep in drama.
Amber's sobs had become apparent to me. I continued on and knelt down beside her.

"What's wrong?" I asked sympathetically.

"Their's too much going on. I don't know what to do. Everyone left, everyone hates me," Amber
spoke between sobs.
"No one hates you," I assured her, "their's just a little too much going on for everyone to handle."
"Jordan, am I attractive?" she asked me open-heartedly while more tears ran down her face.
"You're okay," I said gently.
"I try so hard to get you to notice me in dance class but it seems like you never see me."
"I see you," I lied trying to calm her,"you're a great dancer."
Amber hastily grabbed onto my arm and pulled herself up while she brushed her lips against
mine.
I backed away. Shit, she kissed me, I thought to myself, I really hope Melissa didn't see that. I
looked up to see Sydney still trying to restrain Melissa with much difficulty.
"I'll be right back, stay here," I told Amber while I went back to help Sydney. Melissa noticed me
come out from behind the tree and escaped Sydney's grasp. She ran back into my arms and kissed
me. Her lipstick smeared from her lips and onto my mouth and cheek.
"Melissa, thats enough!" I shouted while pulling away from her and wiping the lipstick off my
face.
Melissa dropped to the ground and burst into tears. I felt bad because she had been the most
positive and kind figure in my life for the last month. Unfortunately that didn't excuse the fact that
she was a lunatic when she was drunk and had a boyfriend.
"Oh, I feel sick," Nicole announced from the rock as she propped her chin in the palm of her
hand. I sat beside Nicole and let out a big sigh.
"Are you okay?" I asked.
"Yeah, I'm good. I'm just really bored and unhappy," she replied.
Sydney shot me a glare for trying to socialize instead of helping her.
"Something that helps when you're feeling sick is..." I stated loudly enough just for Sydney to
hear.
Sydney turned away approvingly and Nicole let out a short chuckle because she knew exactly
what was going on.
I found Nicole to be most attractive girl there. She was a prep; at the top of the social chain. Her
brown hair and hazel eyes were the same attributes Fordyce had. She seemed level headed and
understood the situation from my point of view.
"Urgh! Jordan, look at me! Look at me, Jordan!" Melissa screamed desperately for my attention.
I paid no attention to the crazed girl until she screamed a 'Fuck you!' at me and burst into tears
again. She dropped to the ground and pretended to roll down the hill making sounds of exaggerated
agony. She then rolled herself to a level part of the ground and around a tree which couldn't have
been possible by natural physics. I cocked my head in bewilderment. Melissa was throwing on a
drunken act for my attention.

"She would've stopped after the fourth roll," I said to Nicole while observing.
"Agreed," she replied.
"We really should find a way to get her and Amber home."
"How can we do that?"
"Well, you seem pretty sober. I'm a great driver, even under the influence," I joked, "with your
awareness and my driving skills, we'd make a great team!"
Nicole laughed and leaned onto my shoulder. "Thank you," she said. I assumed for cheering her
up.
Just then, I noticed that the bottle of whiskey was still laying on the ground nearly full. I stood
up, grabbed the bottle, unscrewed the lid and took a shot. Nicole nudged me indicating that she
wanted one too. I handed the bottle to her and we spent the next twenty minutes laughing and
flirting. I took one last shot of whiskey and then felt bold enough to just kiss her. I leaned in, laid
my hand over her cheek and kissed her with a tenseful edge. She kissed me back.
She had never kissed a guy before or at least I believed. She continuously darted her tongue
in and out of my mouth. She eventually left her tongue in my mouth and moved it around aimlessly
like a fish out of water.
I closed my mouth till our kiss came to a steady, long peck. I slowly escalated into a french kiss
to direct her how to kiss properly. She followed the movements of my lips and began to mirror
them. That's better, I said lightly.
A devastating scream ignited into the air as Melissa found Nicole and I kissing. "You fucking
bitch. I'm going to kill you!" Melissa screamed at Nicole as her sister, Jessica, followed behind
closely. Nicole sat silently with a look of guilt on her face.
Melissa lashed out forward to hurt Nicole. I stood up quickly and intervened Melissa's lunge.
Melissa continued to scream while trying to get around me and at Nicole, I was not letting Melissa
past me. I had already felt the need to protect Nicole; I strangely felt responsible for her.
"You slut," Jessica called her sister condescendingly.
"What did I do?" Nicole said defensively.
"You're kissing that man-whore! Look at what he did to Melissa. He's a player."
"Melissa's just drunk," Nicole argued, "he didn't do anything."
"Thanks for telling me, Jessica. Now I know I can never trust your whore of a sister again,"
Melissa said hatefully.
"You bitch," I said to Jessica, "you brought Melissa over here to show her this. You're trying to
cause drama."
"You even kissed Amber," Jessica pushed.
"Okay," I shouted, "enough of this bullshit. I'm going to set the record straight. Melissa, I
should've made this clear but I don't have feelings for you. You're better off as a friend to me.
Amber, you damn well know you kissed me. And as for Nicole, well I like her. I get a choice, okay."
Melissa began to cry uncontrollably again. I felt Melissa was no longer a threat to Nicole so I
walked over to her and gave her a hug. "I'm sorry, Melissa, I shouldn't have kissed you earlier.

You'll make a great friend to me if you can accept what happened tonight."
"Trevor's here!" Jessica announced happily and ran over to a figure in the dark approaching us.
That guy over there has been playing your girlfriend, I heard her say as she pointed to me.
Thank god, I thought to myself. It was obvious Trevor was Melissa's boyfriend. "Good, someone
can take responsibility for Melissa now," I said in spite to show my disinterest in Melissa.
Trevor approached me. I couldn't see his face under the shadowed canopy of tree branches. I
leaned Melissa outward toward her boyfriend. Trevor took her into his arms, reached his hand out,
and squeezed my bicep, digging his nails into it. What the fuck, I thought to myself about to engage
in defense. He undug his nails off my body and held Melissa while muttering some whispers into
her ear. It wasn't until then I got a chance to observe what he looked like. He wore a weathere, red
hoody with skinny jeans and had long black hair that covered his eyes. I nearly laughed. The way
Jessica said 'Trevor's here!' I imagined some big tough guy that would put us all in our place.
Looking at Trevor then, I thought that if I playfully slugged him in the shoulder he might fall over.
Although weak and pathetic, he later proved himself to be an annoyance and pain in the ass for as
long as I projected interest into Nicole.
Trevor had seemed to have been keeping Melissa preoccupied so I started to walk away with
Nicole. I thought the drama was done until Melissa screamed out once more.
"Fuck off, Trevor! I don't love you anymore," Melissa scoffed, "I found someone better."
Melissa ran back into my arms again. I decided to take the noble approach this time. "Melissa,
here is a guy who loves you and wants to take care of you. I'm not right for you. I was never right
for you. Trevor seems to be a nice guy. It's not my place to take you from him."
Melissa started to become sober and she began listening to my reason. She apologized to Nicole
and went home with Trevor.
Amber followed Melissa and Trevor since she lived close to Melissa's house. I took Nicole by
the hand and traveled far into the bushes where we wouldn't be interrupted. I began to kiss her
more.
Sydney then came out of nowhere. "Jordan! You said you were going to help me take care of
everyone and instead you just go around and make out with everyone here. It's my birthday and I
had to take care of everyone on it! I can't believe this!" she ranted in frustration.
Nicole took off somewhere to avoid the drama.
Sydney, she was cute. I wanted to kiss her, my intoxicated self explained to me. I thought I could
find the right words to make her kiss me.
"Sydney, I'm sorry. I understand how this must've looked from your point of view and I don't
blame you. Melissa, I honestly couldn't stop her from kissing me. Amber, she took me by surprise
and I walked away after that. Nicole, now that was entirely my fault, that was purely out of
intoxication. I enjoyed your company before all this crap, you're like me, mature beyond our years.
I didn't even want to kiss anyone tonight except for you but my intoxicated self got the better of me.
It let me be careless and indecisive, but the only girl I still want to kiss tonight is you," I bullshitted.
"Okay," Sydney accepted openly.
"May I kiss you?" I asked like a gentleman.

Sydney pressed her lips to mine for half a second and quickly walked away.
Moments later someone had shoved me to the ground forcefully. It was Hazen, she came back.
She spread her legs over my body and leaned down to make out with me. She shoved her tongue in
my mouth and I could taste vodka in her saliva.
I didn't mind Hazen coming on to me like that. I enjoyed every moment of it, however, I was
aware of Nicole and Sydney's presence in the distance. I kissed her back as much as I could without
making it seem like I had welcomed it.
"Hazen, get off him!" Sydney shouted when she realized what was going on.
Hazen ignored Sydney and darted her tongue into my mouth once more. I kiss her back for a
moment and pulled away without drawing suspicion to the mutual enjoyment.
"You have to get off me, okay?" I said like I was trying to reason with her and then pulled her
down for a another kiss. "Look Hazen," I said as I pulled back again, "I don't feel that way about
you." and pulled her down for another kiss.
Hazen had shown the most confused look I'd ever seen but continued to place her lips on mine.
That was the final time I could let it happen. "Hazen, get off me!" I said with authority.
"Fine, fuck you! she shouted before getting up and leaving.
I picked myself up off the ground and smirked with the mental number of six girls in my head,
that was the first time I made that record in a single night, and it wouldn't be the last.
So that was what happened when you were the only guy in a group of intensely intoxicated
women, but that night was purely luck. I just happened to be in a position to show dominance and
authority over the certain individuals in the group. I just happened to already have peer approval
working on my side. I did a lot of things right that night, but also did a lot of things wrong.
I played my way to a few extra kisses, but I was honest for the most part. Melissa, Amber, and
Hazen were out of my control. I capitalized on my luck. And that might have been morally
dishonest.
Sydney, Nicole, and Victoria happened by my own hand. Nicole happened out of pure attraction,
I wanted to kiss her because I felt genuine interest for her. I was also mildly attracted to Sydney, she
was beginning to grow on me.
I was testing my limits and still rebuilding myself. I, ultimately, didn't know who I was yet.
Someone who let go of his moralistic values or someone who did the right thing. What I did know
was that I felt more wanted than I ever did. I thought that would come with the feeling of
importance. It did not. If not making out with six girls I barely know in one night, then what did it
take to make me feel important? I think deep down, I knew these petty high school girls didn't add
to a bigger plan.
I was working toward some bigger plan in my life, I just didn't know what it was yet.
I had walked Nicole home which was about an hour walk from Gyro park. She was extremely
grateful that I made the effort to take her home and offered me her phone number. I put it into my
phone with the promise of calling her the next morning.
I returned home staring at my ceiling that seemed to have been moving side to side due to my
intoxication. Despite all the primitive feelings I had endured that night, something had awakened in

me. It took me months to find a woman to sexually attract and engage physically and then after
couple months to find another to do just that; when in the summertime I was bringing in dates like
the daily newspaper and that night I had kissed six women that desired to kiss me back. There was a
pattern emerging and I had the ability to figure out the key to unlocking the door to attraction.
Little did I know; there was a secret underground community that collectively built attraction to a
science. I was yet to discover it.

Chapter 2
Emotion And Logic

I had Nicole on my mind for quite some time after waking up. I fulfilled my promise and called
her. She was happy to hear from me but was troubled.
"Melissa is turning everyone against me because of last night," Nicole told me, "All my friends
don't want anything to do with me and my sister is spreading rumors about us. She's been telling
everyone that I'm some kind of whore with you. Can I please see you?"
"I'd love to see you. I'm sorry that all this is happening. If I didn't kiss you, none of this would be
going on."
"No, I'm glad you kissed me. Everyone is just being so immature."
"I'll talk to Melissa. See if we can all keep the peace. So when do you want to see me?"
"Whenever possible."
"Tonight, at the mall? Lets go for coffee."
"Sure, that sounds great."
After getting off the phone with Nicole, I gave Melissa a call. Melissa claimed that she didn't
remember anything from the previous night I believed that to be a lie but she did remember
kissing me and it was the most amazing thing she ever felt. Amber stayed the night at Melissa's and
took the phone from Melissa to tell me that she didn't mean what she said the night before about
wanting me to notice her which I also believed to be a lie so I should forget it.
When I went to school, Sydney had approached me within the hallways. "Did you really kiss all
of us last night?" she asked. Before I could get a word in she muttered "Player," with a bitterness
and walked away.
While walking to my class I couldn't help feeling somewhat guilty over Sydney's opinion of me.
I kissed six girls in one night none of them knowing of eachother at the time. I'm sure it would've
been perfectly acceptable if I pursued all those girls on different days. It was the fact that I had done
it in the same night that was frowned upon.
It was a double standard to me: most women I knew found it perfectly fine to date multiple men
at once till they chose the one they found most suitable; except most women despised men who
dated multiple women and acted as if it were just as inappropriate as cheating. The greatest double
standard women had created is that they fight for equal rights as men, they wish to be able to do and
express themselves the same ways men do; but at the same time expect men to be the ones to ask
them out, to pay for their dates, to support and nurture them. Where is the equality in that?
In the evening, I had shown up at the mall waiting for Nicole. To my surprise, when Nicole

showed up, Sydney was there with her. I couldn't believe the chances. I had an interest in only two
girls in the entire town and they were both before me. They were obviously speaking to eachother
and this was a setup.
I casually acted like this had been a mere coincidence. I disregarded what Sydney said to me
earlier and enjoyed her company. I conversed with the two and threw on the cocky funny attitude I
usually used to flirt. We visited various stores in the mall and I encouraged the girls to try out some
ridiculous clothing while they were trying to slip me into pink leather jackets and tight tank tops.
We had some good laughs and I could tell they were enjoying my free spirit attitude.
Sydney became very engaged with me during the night. Nicole wasn't nearly as engaged as
Sydney, she felt withdrawn. Nicole started complaining that she felt sick so we went outside after I
suggested that the fresh air might be able to help her. Nicole complained even further about her
sickness and called a family member to come pick her up.
Nicole kept her distance down the sidewalk, completely withdrawn from both Sydney and I. I
decided to join Nicole to unveil some of the tension that seemed to have formed.
"How come you feel sick?" I asked.
"I don't know."
"Where do you feel sick."
"Like everywhere."
"Oh, well do you think you're going to be okay?"
"I don't know."
One thing I could not stand was speaking to a monosyllabic girl. Nicole couldn't have been more
vague. I let her be and walked back over to Sydney.
Minutes later, a truck pulled up and Nicole asked Sydney for a private word just before leaving.
Sydney walked over to Nicole and they began speaking quietly just enough for me to not be able to
hear. Sydney came back over as Nicole jumped into the vehicle and left.
Sydney explained to me that Nicole went into submission and surrendered to her. "You can have
Jordan. I want him but I don't feel well and I want to go home. I hope he makes you happy." Sydney
quoted Nicole.
What do you mean she went into submission and surrendered to you?
I like you, it should be obvious enough.
Not quite. So Nicole does want me?
Yeah, dude.
"Oh, well thats disappointing," I replied.
"Why?" Sydney asked.
"It's almost insulting that a girl who likes me would give up so easily."
Sydney and I walked up town to the main street. We sat on a plaza bench and talked about each
other. I asked what brought her to Nelson. "Nicole," she replied, "she's my half-cousin and things
were getting pretty rough in Fort Saskatchewan for me. So I came here."

Fuck my life. I was getting involved between two cousins again. I mentioned history repeating
itself, didn't I?
"Sounds pretty fucked up. So when you say rough..." I asked Sydney.
"My mom started doing coke again and blew all our money. She couldn't pay rent anymore and I
had nowhere to stay. My step-dad moved here and lives with Nicole's mom.
"I'm sorry to hear that," I told Sydney as I was in awe over her circumstances. Ever since I met
Sydney, I recognized a defining amount of maturity in her. I was intrigued by it because she was
young. A couple years younger than myself.
Sydney inched closer to me and rested her head on my shoulder as we talked. I thanked her for
sticking around with me even though Nicole had left. "Well yeah, I'm not going to just ditch you
like that. You came to meet us and then we take off after thirty minutes. I'm not like that, dude."
"May I ask you a sensitive question?" I asked.
"Shoot."
"You called me a player earlier today. If that's how you feel than why did you come here tonight
and why are you still associating yourself with me?"
"We were all drunk, shit happens. I think I'm just mad at myself because I actually fell for what
you said to me and let you talk me into kissing you."
"How did you know I was being dishonest?"
"When you made plans with Nicole tonight. You obviously like her and I can tell you like me
too. You're going to have to choose one us," Sydney deviously smiled.
It was getting late and I walked Sydney to the bus stop where she was ready to catch a bus home.
Before Sydney walked onto the bus, she had warned me, "Be careful who you choose, don't expect
Nicole to put out."
I appreciated that Sydney stayed with me when Nicole was unwilling too but I didn't want to
dismiss Nicole yet. There was chemistry and a bond the first night I met her. I wanted to see if that
was still there.
I had begun to grow increasingly attracted to both Nicole and Sydney. I learned they were both
growing increasingly attracted to me, and I was still stuck between a decision.
My plan was to hang out with them individually until I was able to choose. I could become as
romantically involved with both as much as I pleased without it interfering with one another, but at
no point was I able to hang out with either one alone. They had made sure that they were always
with each other when going to see me and they were going to keep hanging out with me like that
until I chose one of them. It was such an devious plan, they had no idea that I was intending to
become romantically invovled with both of them, but they were well prepared for it.
I texted them both very frequently. I found that I could word things very well with either Nicole
or Sydney. I felt I worded certain things with intelligence and approval so I began mimicking the
conversations with both of them. If I said the right things to Sydney, I would say them to Nicole and
vice versa. I was worried that they might be communicating with eachother and syncing their
conversations with me. Just like they were doing with their plans, so naturally, I took precautions. I
wrote the same things to them but worded them differently so it didn't look like I was giving off

automated messages.
Nicole, much of the time seemed like she lacked intelligence. She commonly acted like a dumb
blonde. She was a slave to her emotions but that made her compassionate and gave her a great
capacity for love. Intelligence aside, she slipped up and sent me a few messages that were meant for
Sydney.
"Sydney, he said this to me." Nicole replied with a copied text message enclosing my exact
words to her, "What should I say back?"
I was now glad to take the precautions I did and needed to take even further precautions. The
smart thing to do would be to just choose one of them and be done with the fiasco, but I still
couldn't bring myself to a decision. I equally wanted them both.
The same routine continued for nearly a month. At first, I would continue trying to make plans
with only Sydney or Nicole but as they continued showing up together, I gave in and only made
plans with one or the other only to expect them both.
I still occasionally hung out with Melissa and convinced her and Nicole to make up. After a
heartfelt apology, they were back to being good friends. I slightly regretted it afterword as Melissa
had begun to take away from my time with Nicole. When asking Nicole to hang out she would tell
me that she was at Melissa's house and couldn't, or that she had plans with Melissa on that day. I
turned to Sydney afterword and Sydney refused to hang out with me as well because she said
Nicole had to be there too unless I was ready to make my choice between them. I did the only
smart thing I thought I could do: I started inviting Melissa, Nicole, and Sydney out as a group.
I stole my parent's car again and took Sydney, Nicole, and Melissa for a drive. We had a lot of
fun that night but Nicoles sister, Jessica, had known what Nicole was doing. Jessica warned Nicole
not to get into my car before she left but Nicole had ignored her.
Nicoles sister, Jessica, still hated me. It was how I could tell the twins apart in the hallway at
school; one twin smiled at me and the other just gave me a dirty look.
We had a good time driving around in the vehicle. I was speeding down empty suburban
neighbourhoods and blasting music on the top notch sound system. I was trying to make sure Nicole
was enjoying herself and I could leave a good impression with her.
I let Nicole drive the Matrix, she'd never driven before so it was going to be an interesting
experience. I took her to an empty parking lot outside a Wal-Mart and switched seats with her.
Sydney wanted to see it for kicks so she got in the back seat. Nicole sat down in the drivers seat
and asked "What do I do now?" I shifted the gear for her and the car rolled 2 feet until Nicole
stomped on the break. My head jolted forward and nearly hit the dashboard while Sydney nearly
flipped into the front of the car.
"Holy fuck!" Sydney shouted, deciding to get out and watch from a safe distance.
"Okay thats enough for tonight!" I told Nicole.
Nicole begged me to let her drive more but there was no way I was letting her do this in a brand
new car, especially after paying to get it fixed for clipping the corner against a truck.
Nicole then got a call from her dad. It turned out Jessica told her dad that Nicole was in a car
with me. Nicole's parents called Sydney's father who came and picked up all of the girls and put an
end to our night.

Nicole texted me at the end of the night to let me know that her father grounded her for two
weeks and wasn't allowed to hang out outside of school during that time as a result. She also
informed me that Sydney's father was going to call the school in the morning and tell them about
me driving illegally and with other girls in the car.
The morning after the night before, I was pulled out of my dance class and into the Principal's
office. "Do you know why you're here?" he asked.
"Probably because of a pissed off father," I smirked and said in a disregarding tone.
The principal seemed to have let out a small smirk as well.
I explained that whether I had the right documents to drive my car by myself or not was none of
the school's business. The principal knew I was right and allowed me to go back to class.
The next day, Sydneys father called Nicole's parents to tell them about me and made me out to
be this guy that was corrupting their girls. Nicoles parents then banned her from seeing me.
Sydney's father also banned her from seeing me, but that didn't stop either of them.
Shortly after, rumors about me were being spread between parents and among school. I had been
driving girls around late at night, pushing ecstasy on them, and having sex with them. It was an
interesting rumor since I'd only had sex once and had never done a drug in my life.
Nicole was banned from seeing me, Sydney was banned from seeing me, Trevor, Melissa's
boyfriend, had banned Melissa from continuing to see me. They had all been disobedient and saw
me whenever possible. However, I was only able to see them at a small fraction of the rate I was
used to.
This complicated everything.
I felt that I only had Victoria to turn to. Victoria was starting to be welcomed into a stereotyped
group and I was beginning to see less of her too.
Girls, girls, girls. Why was it always about them?
Soon after, I was hit with mild depression. I was alone for most nights and the time I got with
any of the girls was too seldom. The little I had didn't seem like enough anymore.
I was still somewhat of a social outcast within my school. I got to hear about parties, about who
fucked who, and who puked their guts out on the last Saturday. I wanted to be, but never got the
chance to become part of it.
I couldn't understand why I didn't cliche with these groups. I cliched with the same stereotypes
when they were in other cities. Lee and his band of friends were party animals. They were usually
the ones who held the parties most talked about.
Girls who were obtainable to me in other cities were out of my league in Nelson. I couldn't
figure out why my results were so diluted in my home town. I realized that it was because I was
already sentenced with a stereotype. I noticed that the people who stuck together in elementary
school were still in the same groups five years later. I was the kid everyone picked on in elementary
school, and I was still labeled as the loser five years later and the peers who were labeled 'loser' in
elementary still held the same status despite their changes.
I began to notice things; small things. The twitch in the corner of someones eye, the awkward
shift in someones body posture, and the slight quaver in someones voice when they were nervous.

People were flawed. More specifically the ones who posed as authority figures. Parents and teachers
alike had the potential to be more flawed than I.
I noticed a pattern emerging: those of us labeled losers in elementary school were still the losers
in highschool and the boys who showed leadership on the elementary school playground were the
ones all the girls gossiped and talked about. This was not a coincidence.
It didn't make sense. Labels couldn't have carried so far for so many years. This wasn't about
labels; this was about the elementary school experience. I later learned that the way people are in
high school affects and has the ability to determine the success and way a student turns out in their
adult life.
Elementary school; discrimination and leaving certain people out was a regular practice. This
formed a level of self-esteem. Whether you were the "cool kid" or "the loser" you were affected by
high levels of conformity. The younger you are, the greater effect it has on the developing mind. As
an adult, the brain is already developed and adults are less prone to change and adaption. As a child
your developing brain has a vast capacity to change and be tender to influence.
So as a child if you were discriminated against or abused; you were prone to enduring the same
levels of self esteem and personality disorders that were originally introduced at a young age. In
highschool; having that type of mind development pushes you further into your stereotype.
So the "cool kids" grow up to be popular adolescences in highschool and the "losers" continue
being looked upon poorly into highschool. It was a flawed system, but no one dared challenge
nature, especially human nature when it was so brutal and condemning.
It depressed me to come to this realization. I reached out to friends more needfully only to find
them pull away. I knew many people, but not on the deep connective levels I felt I reached out to
Victoria with. I wanted to meet her, explained that it was important and I really needed someone at
this point in time. She promised me five minutes.
I met her under the oak tree. "I'm going through a really tough time right now, I told her. "Think
you can spare some extra time?" I asked hopefully.
"I'm busy," Victoria responded plainly like I had merely inconvenienced her.
"Busy with what?" I countered offensively.
"Um...homework," she lied carelessly.
I put endless hours listening to her and her feelings no matter how needy she came off and how
pathetic it made her sound. The tables were turned and she didn't have a sliver of compassion for
me. Whatever she wanted from me was physical. She talked about sex during our nights of
conversation and I realized how selfish she was acting. How important was her apparent homework
anyway? She didn't care about grades as she plainly stated it to me a few days ago.
"Whatever," I told her as I turned my back to her to walk home.
"Bye," she said in a cheery voice like she had found amusement in my bitterness.
I knew what was going on. It was the new stereotyped group she was welcomed into. A group
that belittled me. Victoria learned about my low reputation and treated me differently for it.
I went back to my house, just before I entered, my parents pulled up in the driveway. They both
had grave faces on them.

"What?" I asked.
We just got a call from the police. Would you like to tell us who Leah is?
Fuck, I muttered to myself while feeling uneasy.
The police told us that you've been threatening a girl in Edmonton and she wants to charge you.
They've opened up a case about you.
Shes an over-dramatic, trailer trash, physco bitch. She's been sending me death threats for more
than a month. I sent ONE back to her and she's trying to charge me?
The following hour was hell. My parents were relentless while screaming at me.
My parents had an event to go to and called a taxi because they intended to drink. They left me at
the house alone.
With Victoria being a cold-hearted bitch that night and the bullshit Leah was dishing out, I was
unstable. I flopped down in front of my computer desk while gulping down vodka straight from the
bottle. I could possibly get charged, all the girls I liked could hardly see me, and the one girl I
turned to for help didn't want anything to do with me.
I couldn't stay cooped up in the house.
I began scanning through Facebook's event page to see if anyone was throwing a party; nothing.
I wrote "Fuck this town. This is bullshit." on my profile status out of anger. I got up, looked in my
mother's coat that she left home. I found the set of car keys in her pocket that I hoped would be
there.
As I reached for the door knob, my cell phone on the computer desk began buzzing. The caller
ID read "Sydney."
"Hello?" I answered wondering what she wanted.
"Hey, I saw your Facebook status. Everything okay?"
"Fine," I lied as I took another swig of vodka.
"Are you drinking?" she asked. She must've heard the alcohol falling down to the other end of
the bottle.
"I'm going for a drive," I said with finality to end the conversation.
"Where?" Sydney replied instantly.
"I don't know. Maybe off a bridge or something," I said coldly.
"Jordan, you better not drive. Promise me you won't get into a car."
"I can't promise that."
"Yes, you can."
"I won't promise that," I said taking another swig.
"Don't make me come all the way over there to take your keys from you," she said threateningly.
I laughed at her hysterically.
"Fine," she said, "I'm coming."

"If you insist," I replied challengingly.

"You better be there to answer the door," she told me just before hanging up.
I set the keys down on the table, calmed down a bit, and actually began pouring my liqour into a
glass.
Twenty minutes later, I heard a knock on the door. I answered inviting Sydney inside.
Sydney's eyes immediately glanced over to the keys on the table. I snatched them off the table
before she had a chance to attempt anything.
"Hey," she shouted, "what do you think you're doing?"
"I may still decide to go out," I said playfully.
"Don't you dare," she replied as she walked up and tore the keys from my hand.
I sat down on the sofa and we both fell silent for a moment.
"I should thank you," I told her, "I don't think anyone else would've cared about me enough to
come."
"Well, I'm not just anyone, and it's what I do," she smiled and then sat on the sofa beside me. "I
didn't know you had glasses," she said gently.
I remembered how terrible I looked. I had extremely low self-esteem in the moment and I was
generally insecure and self conscious if I did not look and feel my best.
"Yeah, I'm not looking my best right now," I responded flatly.
My hair was a mess, I was wearing nerdy looking glasses instead of the contacts I usually wore,
my eyes had bags under them from sleepless nights, and my jeans were wet from spilling vodka on
them.
"I think you look fine," Sydney stated.
Sydney and I left my house and walked to a nearby park. We sat on a concrete block and I told
her about Victoria and Leah. I admitted that they were what caused me to drink as much as I did and
the cause of my behaviour.
"The fucking thing, though," I slurred, "is that I knew she would be a cold-hearted bitch. But I
trusted her not to be. Fucking cunt, she..."
"You choose the worst girls," Sydney interrupted, stopping me dead in my tracks. I smiled. I felt
she was listening and understood. She gave me the care Victoria was incapable of. Although, neither
of us realized it at the time, she created a pun against herself by saying I 'chose the worst girls.'
Sydney apologized for the fact she had to go home and couldn't stay the night at my home. I had
never expected such a thing, however, she was gentle and careful enough to not only say the right
things to me, but word them the right way.
That night Sydney proved herself to be the one willing to put in the time and effort to make it
work. Sydney was more mature, understanding, intelligent, and more selfless than Nicole, but I
couldn't turn a blind eye toward Nicole. Even though Sydney possessed all the qualities Nicole
didn't, I didn't have the deep, sincere, and emotional connection that I had with Nicole. Sydney won
the logical choice, but Nicole had won the emotional choice. Emotion was always more dominate
than logic.

Chapter 3
Ultimatum

Before giving Nicole and Sydney my final decision I was sure I was going to choose Sydney.
They had both confronted me with an ultimatum: You have to choose one of us by twelve tonight
or you get neither of us. They told me together.
I wanted to call their bluff and continue to see them both, but they were right, it was time I chose
one of them. I was at the point where I was ready to go further with both of them but couldn't unless
I made the decision between them.
I was infatuated with Nicole but her parents gave her strict rules so that she was not allowed to
see me. Her own sister sold her out and would report to her parents everytime Nicole snuck out for
an extra $20 allowance this month. I was relieved to hear that Nicole told me she didnt care how
much trouble she got into, she wasn't going to stop seeing me. Even though Nicole had made that
decision she still couldn't overcome her parents and our time seeing eachother was limited to only
an hour a night as her parents put a new curfew on her after her grounding.
Sydney, was still down to earth and was easy to make plans with. Almost everytime I asked her
to be, Sydney was there for me.
Nicole had a more compassionate edge to her. Nicole cared about me and convinced me to stop
drinking as much and stopped me from driving as recklessly as I did. I made the agreement that I
wouldn't touch a drop of alcohol unless I was in a social setting for her.
Sydney, she didn't feel the large amounts of compassion or didn't fall asleep with me on her mind
like Nicole did. Sydney held only very basic attraction for me. This was good in it's own ways; the
relationship could be more stable and if it didn't work out, I would have less heartache as oppose to
Nicole.
For the first time, I chose security over risk; logic over emotion.
I decided Sydney was going to be my new girlfriend. The decision was locked in my head but I
wanted to wait till midnight to tell her in case I had a change of heart.
Jordan Fordyce happened to call me that evening. I asked Fordyce for her opinion and she told
me that she felt I should go for Nicole because I clearly wanted her more. I reminded Fordyce that
when I followed my emotion with herself, it hadn't ended well.
You know, it's funny," I said to Fordyce, "you and Nicole are so alike. You both have the same
attributes; brown hair, hazel eyes, and you both love basket ball. Although, she's quite the opposite
from you're intelligence. She makes me smile sometimes at how much of a blonde she can be.
I really think you should go for Nicole. She's the one you're talking about, Fordyce told me.
Nicole messaged me about an hour after I finished talking to Fordyce. She wanted to meet with
me before my answer was set in stone. I met her at Gyro park and sat with her on the swing sets.

"I want to tell you something before you make up your mind," she told me.
"Go ahead," I said confused. Nicole was a very simple girl. Something that frustrated me about
her was that she couldn't put her feelings into words. She could only simplify what she felt in the
easiest and most basic terms she knew.
I thought all the cards were on the table. I was intrigued that there was something more Nicole
had to lay out.
"You're the first person I ever felt like this with. I was confused because I didn't know what was
happening to me emotionally...I'm not good at this!" Nicole panicked.
"You're doing great. Keep going," I encouraged.
"I spent so many nights upset because I felt you liked Sydney more. I want you to be happy but I
want to be happy too. I love you."
I felt an unsteady but a warming feeling in the center of my chest as she said her last three words.
Nicole stood up from her swing and I followed her to a nearby bench.
"I love you too." I told her.
Nicole leaned into me, giving me a hug and buried her head into my chest for several minutes.
I said goodbye to Nicole and reevaluated my decision.
At home, an hour to midnight, I was wondering if I should just flip a goddamn coin or ask an
Ouiji board. Sydney was no longer my choice. Nicole had told me how she really felt about me and
there was no way I could ignore that.
I devised two separate text messages, one for Sydney, and one for Nicole.
Nicole, you're more complex than most of the other options out there, but you have such a vast
heart and that makes you special. You're filled with this great capacity for love, compassion, and
heartfelt emotion; it always leaves a certain breath-taking feeling in my chest. I choose you,
Nicole.
Sydney, I loved every moment we spent together. You're so mature and the most down to earth
girl I ever knew. I always feel at peace with you in my presence. I wish I didn't have such a hard
decision to make because I'd love nothing more than to continue getting to know you on the
personal level that we have been. If it's any consolation, I was sure it was going to be you for the
longest time. I'm sorry, I just feel a much stronger connection with Nicole.
I chose Nicole and Sydney didn't appear to be happy about that.
A half-hour after letting Nicole know that I wanted her to be my girlfriend, I received a text
message from Sydney.
"I knew you were a player but I never knew you could be so cold!"
I felt horrible. Sydney refused to even look at me in school. Despite all the negative feeling that
built up inside her for me, I still cared about her and wanted the best for her. I wanted to remain
friends with her more than anything.
As Nicole and I grew closer, I started to really fall for her and she explained that she was falling
for me just the same. The last time I felt a fraction of that feeling was two years ago when I met
Jordan Fordyce. The feelings weren't as vast or powerful as they had been with Fordyce but I was

happy and motivated. Finally, out of countless dozens of girls, I finally found someone that
compared to the first person I fell in love with.
It was still an interesting observation to realize how many of the same attributes Nicole and
Fordyce carried. What qualities in common did these two girls have that I found so desirable?
Whatever qualities they were, Jordan Fordyce had more of them, but I was happy with the girl I
had. It was all I needed.
Over time Sydney had eventually accepted my choice and started talking to me again. We began
to hang out as friends and in groups of common friends. At one point when we were alone, she
apologized and said she was mistaken about me being cold-hearted and a player after seeing how I
protected and remained loyal to Nicole

Chapter 4
Dissolution

Leah sent me some more emails. She was trying to indicate her control over me by how she
could have me charged whenever she wanted and insisted that I was a worthless piece of shit. I was
surprised by the fact that she was still trying to ruin my life.
She provoked me long enough. I remembered that she once told me she used the same password
for everything she did online. I input her email into my MSN, typed out "iloveyou" into the bar and
hit enter. "Incorrect password."
I went to her Facebook, input her email and then typed out "iloveyou" into the bar and hit enter.
The window directed me to her profile page. I began looking through her inbox to find many
messages to muscular-looking men. Leah was trying to convince them to take a road trip with her to
B.C so they could jump me. I also found many messages to her other friends talking about how she
wanted me killed and harmed in the most brutal ways possible. Then I came across a series of
messages between Leah and Jordan Fordyce's current boyfriend. The messages contained
arrangements to meet, have sex, an exchange of nude pictures, and an agreement to keep it behind
Fordyce's back.
I printed out all the threatening messages about me as hard proof in case Leah tried to have me
charged again. I started to message some of her friends pretending to be Leah, getting more specific
information that would further a case against her.
I saw Leah sign into MSN and knew it wouldn't be long until she logged into facebook and saw
the messages she didn't send. Shortly after, Jordan Fordyce signed into MSN and then I knew had a
hard decision to make. I could delete Leah's Facebook which I knew would greatly upset her and I'd
feel a little justified, or I could give the log in information to Fordyce so she could be made aware
of what was going on between Leah and her boyfriend. I knew there was only time for one.
I messaged Fordyce quickly and told her there was something she needed to see. Fordyce was
hesitant, but I told her there wasn't very much time and it concerned her greatly.
"Okay, I'll look at whatever it is," she told me.
I called her and gave her the log in information. I couldn't tell her flat out what it was because
she knew I felt condemningly about her boyfriend and wouldn't trust any accusations I would say
about him.
"I'm in, now what?" Fordyce asked irritably.
"Go to the inbox."
I heard a couple clicks over the phone and then a gasp. Silence followed for a few minutes and
then Fordyce was able to speak again.
"Oh my god," Fordyce said, her voice was shaken and uneasy, "how could he?"

"I'm sorry I showed this to you. I thought you deserved to know."

"Thank you. We're done, I think it's safe to say we're over. He can't explain himself out of this
one," she said, "I'll call you later. I need to call him right now!"
I felt bad for Fordyce and wondered if I did the right thing. I felt guilty in some ways because I
brought it to Fordyce's attention not because I thought she deserved to know but because I wanted
her to be single.
***

I met Nicole that night. We met in the middle of a soccer field near her house. She wrapped her
arms around me and kissed me. We would talk about ourselves, learn about eachother, look deeply
into eachother's eyes. We continued this almost every night and stopped making plans to meet. We
simply showed up in the field at the same time every night knowing we would be there for
eachother.
At school she would come by my locker looking cute every morning and give me a kiss before
class. I liked where things were going and didn't remember being happier in a very long time.
During breaks between class, I would walk through the hallways looking for Nicole and turn a
corner and accidentally hear her telling her friends how amazing I was and how she couldn't
herself.
Everytime I came around, Trevor, Melissa's boyfriend who was good friends with Nicole was
commonly near her He always appeared to be disturbed by my presence. I ignored it until one day
after school, I asked Nicole if she wanted to go downtown with me to hang out. Trevor stepped in
between Nicole and I and told me to go away and said no one wanted me there.
What's your problem, man?
You are! he stammered.
Get out of my way, I demanded as I shoved Trevor aside, I'm trying to talk to my girlfriend.
Nicole, do you want to go downtown.
Sure! she replied happily.
As Nicole and I walked into town, I asked her what was up with Trevor.
I don't know. He's normally pretty nice and has been my friend since grade six. You can trust
him, she assured me.
Over the weeks, when I would walk up to Nicole, he would pull Melissa away from the group
and leave. I figured he must've been mad about the night Melissa was all over me but I wondered
why he would hold a grudge about it for so long. I hardly spoke to Melissa since dating Nicole. I
approached him in the hallways when he was alone. Look man, I get that you don't like me. I
understand that you've been friends with these girls for a long time but I'm not here to cause
problems. I really like Nicole and she's my girlfriend. She says you're a good guy and I trust her
judgement so I hope we can all get along here.
Oh yeah, Trevor said nicely and weirdly as I caught him off guard, it's cool. I don't mind.

Okay. So we're cool? I offered my hand out to him in friendship.

He shook my hand. I felt good about handling it in such a friendly way. I had a girlfriend I was
happy with, I had good friends, and I seemed to have solved the issues Trevor had with me.
Trevor, Melissa, Nicole and I went on a double date and saw a movie. Trevor didn't seem like he
had turned a new leaf however. He only spoke to me when I addressed him and he didn't even look
at me the entire evening.
At the end of the movie, I kissed Nicole. It seemed to have pissed Trevor off.
You know what, I don't even know why we're here! Trevor exclaimed angrily to Melissa.
Trevor turned to me We don't even fucking want you around, except for Nicole so why don't you
just stop coming around.
I stood up and got in Trevor's face. I've been kind to you and you're starting a problem where
there isn't one. What's your deal, exactly?
Come on, Melissa, he said as he grabbed her and took her from the theater. I was almost at my
last means with him and held myself back from doing something drastic. After the ordeal with
Leah, I knew not to make any threats and I knew that if a fight should ensue, he must make the first
strike.
In time, the drama of Trevor trying to pull Melissa away from me and trying to talk Nicole into
dumping me escalated. Trevor was trying to show that he was the alpha male of the group, but I
knew I was the true alpha male. Trevor was only beginning to make a fool out of himself as I
planted ideas into Nicole and Melissa that Trevor was acting out of jealously, even through he
probably was. Eventually Trevor had left the group after I had pulled enough strings to make the
girls alienate him. It had become a posse of Nicole, Melissa and I. Melissa was still dating Trevor
but minimized the frequency she saw him.
Just when I began to get comfortable, I went to go to meet Nicole in the field but she didn't show.
I waited there for over an hour but she never came. The next day at school I asked her about it and
she said her parents grounded her again and wouldn't let her out. I moved in to kiss her before class
but she pulled back before I could.
What's going on with you? You didn't show last night and now you won't kiss me?
Nicole just stood there with her head down, not saying a word. I knew something was going on
but she refused to tell me.
Over the next month, I wasn't sure what happened. Nicole withdrew herself from me over a slow
period of time. Her smiles began to fade every time she met me and the greeting hugs were replaced
with weak 'Hellos.' Our time to meet each other was reduced to once a week outside of school and
she began to feel less like a girlfriend to me and more like a lost cause. I confronted her after much
effort. She told me she found it hard to stay with me because her sister was constantly
compromising her to her parents.
She didn't need to lie me though. She just wasn't trying anymore. It wasn't hard to realize she fell
out of love with me and that she was trying to withdraw herself slowly until we were no more. She
still cared about me and didn't want to turn her back on me because she felt guilty about doing so.
She eventually became thankful for her parents rules as she began to constantly use them as excuses
to avoid me.

I couldn't understand. The signs were gradual but not sudden. However, this realization was
sudden and I felt myself in the midst of an imminent loss. I reacted instinctively, trying harder to
bring Nicole back. If I knew the things I know now, I would have known that by trying harder I
was pushing her further away from me. The more attracted you are to someone, the less attracted
they are to you. The person who cares less has the most power.
I didn't give up though. We came to all sorts of compromises. For weeks, we were off and on.
She would leave me with her greatest apologies and I would push back for her in desperation. I
asked her to give it another shot, told her it happens in relationships, and that it would pass. It never
passed.
She eventually ceased communication with me in a cruel way. She sent me a text-message
containing the following: "I never loved you. I was lying because my friends pressured me to say it
back. I fucking hate you and if you died, it would feel complete my life."
At first I didn't think it was actually Nicole that texted me. I approached her at school the next
morning and withdrew the approach after seeing the look of disgust on her face when she saw me.
I didn't know what I had done to make her fall out of love with me and then suddenly come to
feel hatred for me. I assumed she decided being excessively harsh was only a means to permanently
end us.
Id felt just as hurt as ever. My promise to stop drinking was now void. I hurdled myself back
into my drinking habits and started to drive recklessly again. I got into fights at school because my
attitude turned cold and rebellious. There were no limits on how I expressed my rage, sadness, and
pain. I'd gotten myself arrested for drunken mischief. I challenged my parents to place authority
over me that resulted in getting into a fist fight with my father. I began looking at drugs because I
believed they might transition some of my anger into temporary enjoyment. All I wanted was to
create a distraction from my emotions.
I hadn't been that miserable since I was in Edmonton. I knew the magnitude my depression and
self-destruction could hold. I was desperate to keep it surpressed at any cost. I fought my impulses
in hope of not letting my agonizing negativity surface. I feared myself because I knew I didn't want
to give the darker version of myself control and let him destroy the potential for future happiness.
I was in a struggle with everything. Life, love, and myself; it was all in shambles. I was barely
holding on from falling back into a hole where a scarier version of myself might resurface.
Ive been here before. Ive been here more than once. A little bit of my pride, glory, ego, and self
worth sift back into place; the strongest opponents to my minds current occupants. Ive been at rock
bottom before and I know that if I pick myself back up, I will only find a demise in this place again.
Looking back on myself, I realize that every time I have climbed out of the hole, I come back
stronger, more determined, and more successful than Ive ever been. Perhaps this curse is my
greatest blessing. I am doomed to return to this hole until it molds me into the best I can be, each
and every time making further strides to success.
Melissa started to hang out with me more after my loss. I learned that she had a lot to do with
Nicole coming forward with her feelings before I made my choice during the ultimatum. Melissa
was growing as a person perhaps it was her growing experience with the problems escalating
around all of us. She was much more mature and gratifying to be around.
I was in the school courtyard talking to Melissa. We spoke about Nicole and I explained that I

was starting to get over what happened.

Melissa was so considerate. She still liked me since the time we first met and she put mine and
Nicole's feelings ahead of her own to ensure my happiness.
Melissa's boyfriend didn't like the fact that she started to spend increasing amounts of time with
me. Trevor started to get controlling and did everything he could to keep Melissa away from me. He
bad mouthed me and would jump between Melissa and I whenever he saw us together. He
commonly bombarded her with kisses, hugs, and whispered delicate things into her ear. I found it a
challenge to hold back my laughter everytime he intervened. He didn't know how obvious his
affectionate act was. He was still trying to be the alpha male and show me that Melissa was his by
showing me that he could do this to her. Melissa projected her interest into me all the same like
Trevor hadn't even been in our presence.
In drama class, Victoria had become a stranger to me. I always figured she would find a place
among the preps, but she had became stereotyped among the stoners and drug abusers. I was
thankful I didn't fuck her after rumors had begun that she had sex with two people I knew within my
school. They both contracted chlamydia. For the time I had known Victoria, I knew the rumors were
true.
Thoughtout the weeks, Melissa and I grew even closer as friends. Trevor continued to try to
relentlessly throw himself in between every conversation I had with her. Even if we weren't
speaking but still in the same room, Trevor would intervene.
Trevor was getting on my nerves to a point where I was ready to start reacting to him. I'd spoken
to Melissa during break after first class and I asked if she wanted to hang out at lunch time. Melissa
said she was heading down to the beach with Amber for some girl time and if I bumped into Trevor,
not to tell him.
On more than one occasion, Melissa expressed her annoyance with Trevor. She complained that
he never lets her have a moment to herself. He finds her on every break, follows her to the bus stop
every day after school and follows her downtown when she isn't going home right away. I advised
Melissa to stand up for herself and tell him to piss off. Melissa was far too nice for that though.
During Lunch, Melissa left to the beach with Amber while I was walking through the halls of my
school looking for something to do. During this period, I noticed Trevor pass me through hall many
times and I had spotted him outside windows checking isolated areas like the school field and into
the forest behind the school. Trevor was checking every nook and cranny for Melissa. Trevor passed
me in the hall for the last time and confronted me.
"Hey," he asked in a friendly tone, "do you know where Melissa is?"
I was surprised by how friendly he asked. "No, sorry," I replied, stunned by how polite he was.
I met with Melissa after school and she immediately asked if I had talked to Trevor.
"Yes, why?" I replied.
"He said you threatened him today!" Melissa exclaimed.
"Oh, really?" I said just before telling Melissa the brief conversation we had earlier, "and those
are the only words we said to each other."
Melissa believed my recollection of the event and got onto her bus to go home. I stomped back

home irritated by Trevor.

Later in the day, Melissa had called me to ask if I wanted to hang out with her. I obliged and met
her at Gyro park. We walked around through the shrubs and pathways of Gyro.
"Jordan, I called you here because there is something you need to know," Melissa told me.
"What is it?"
"I know the reason Nicole started acting to hatefully toward you. It's Trevor."
"I'm interested," I replied, my tone turning stern.
Melissa lowered her head with guilt. "I'd been convincing Nicole to express herself and keep
giving your relationship second chances because Trevor kept trying to talk Nicole out of it and she
was listening. Trevor is being a jerk because he's threatened by you. He thinks you're going to take
me away from him and that's why he's been trying to keep me away from you. That's why he talked
Nicole into making you go away," she explained lightly.
"What was Trevor saying to Nicole? Exact words," I pushed.
"Trevor told Nicole that she should just remove you from her life. Nicole said kept saying no at
first but Trevor started saying he'd heard you talk shit behind her back. He told Nicole that you said
she was just another girl you wanted to fuck and once you did you were going to move onto another
girl."
"Why the fuck is she listening to him?" I scoffed.
"Nicole and Trevor have been good friends for a long time," Melissa informed me.
Could it have been Trevor that caused me so much bullshit. I now knew the source of Nicole's
sudden hatred. I wanted to throw everything I had at Trevor but it was brought to my attention that
both of Trevor's parents were cops. Trevor's parents would no doubt charge me for assault if I made
a move against their son. I had to find another way at him.
Trevor took Nicole from me so I decided I was going to take Melissa from him. I couldn't
imagine it being hard. I was going to fulfill Trevor's greatest fear.

Chapter 5
Intellectual Games

Every moment Melissa and I were together, Trevor wasn't far behind. Melissa and I went out of
our way to search for places that we thought Trevor might not look. He usually found us together
and couldn't recognize that Melissa desired and enjoyed my company. He only viewed me as the
problem which blinded him to the fact that she wilfully began to cheat on him.
On the weekend, Melissa and Amber met me at the highschool soccer field after dark . Melissa
had a big smile on her face as usual and Amber was leaning against the chain link fence that circled
the field. Amber's head tilted back as she took a shot from a clear bottle of Silent Sam's Vodka and
then blurted out, "Hey Jordan!"
"Hey Jordan," Melissa said, grinning as she opened up her arms to embrace me. She squeezed
tightly and whispered, "I want you," into my ear.
I smiled and asked Amber, "You enjoying yourself?" as she seemed to have been swaying back
and forth.
"I'm a little tipsy," Amber replied with a smug smile on her face.
"I waited till you got here to start drinking," Melissa sucked up.
The three of us walked to the dark end of the field. The girls talked about scary movies and
experimenting with Ouija boards while passing the vodka between the three of us. The girls became
more intoxicated and Melissa grabbed onto me and pushed me against the fence. She planted her
lips on me urgefully and then took the liberty to run her hands up my shirt.
Melissa began to undo my belt until I intervened. "Hey, take it easy, I'm not even buzzed yet." I
told her. She grabbed the bottle of vodka and shoved it in my face. I chugged much of it and
decided to give my intoxicated-self full control of the decisions that night. My intoxicated-self
allowed Melissa to leave Amber at the dark side of the field while Melissa and I walked to opposite
half where she undid my pants, pulled them down and got on her knees. I thought I was too drunk
to fully appreciate it.
Amber came over to complain that she was bored. She began to make out with me in front of
Melissa. I pulled back in fear of how Melissa would react after the last time. Melissa looked at me
open-heartedly and went back to sucking on me while Amber put her tonque in my mouth.. It was
turning into a threesome.
The girls eventually became too incoherent and were hardly able to walk. I tried to support,
carry, and piggy back them home. I didn't get far and Melissa kept trying to suck on my finger and
playfully bite me every so often. Amber said she couldn't go any further and laid down on
someone's lawn losing consciousness.

Tears began to run down Melissa's cheeks.

"What's wrong?" I asked Melissa, rolling my eyes as the evening lost its enjoyability.
"I can't believe I'm doing this to you again. Everytime we drink you have to take care of us.
We're such bad people."
"No, you're not. I don't mind so much this time." I told her. I didn't mind as long as they didn't act
like insane tribal people with the screaming, rolling down hills, and violently lunging at people.
I eventually got them home and returned to mine.

***

The next day at school, Trevor happened to find out that Melissa was kissing me the previous
night. If only he knew what else she did. I noticed Trevor over my shoulder as I walking
through the hallways after class. He was with a big guy named Jared Parker. Jared was huge
compared to me and was known for a being a fighter.
Trevor and Jared approached me. Jared lowered his head and got directly in my face to
intimidate me. "If you talk to Melissa or any of her friends again you're going to regret it, you little
asshole," Jared said with a violent edge to his voice.
I wanted to tell both of them where to go. I laughed at both Jared and Trevor in my mind. I found
it humouring that they thought they could intimidate me into giving into a threat. When being
threatened I had always felt compelled to challenge it. My eyes shifted from Jared's face to
Trevors' eyes. Trevor let out a satisfied smirk like he thought he had dominance over me. I looked
back at Jared and stared him dead in the eyes. "And then what?" I asked, "You're going to hit me?" I
asked like I was humoured by his approach.
"Oh, I'll do more then that. You will not talk to Melissa or any of her friends again, got it?"
"You know what," I replied returning the smirk Trevor had, "I will speak to Melissa and her
friends if I please, and whenever the fuck I please, got it?"
Trevor wiped the smirk off his face.
"Go ahead," Jared sneered, "you'll just make my job easier."
"I'd have your ass sued so fast your parents would both have to find second jobs to cover the
liability," I threatened.
"They'll be nothing left of you to sue me with!" Jared fumed, raising his voice and then stomped
away in anger with Trevor. It wasn't until then I realized just how empty his threats were.
"Sure man, come back when you're ready to do something! I'd love to make some money off
you," I shouted after him.
Jared and Trevor ignored my volitile remark. I could tell they had no intention in following
through. They wanted to scare me into backing away and they knew they had failed. They were
looking for any sign of fear or intimidation in me and I didn't give it to them.
If I really did get into a fight with Jared, I knew I couldn't win. My bark was brutal and I was yet
to test the true potential of my bite. I had believed that force respects greater force so I acted

relentless with my words and tone of voice when encountering those who would use aggressive
tactics against me.
I wasn't going to stand by and let it go on any longer. It was officially all-out war and I would
complete my endeavor of stealing Melissa away from him. I could anger Trevor enough to take the
first swing at me, then I could end this in the name of self-defense.
Even if I couldn't get at him physically, Id get at him emotionally when he lost Melissa. I won
either way.
Melissa was falling for me, growing more attached, and growing more attracted to me like I had
anticipated. She had expressed that her feelings grew more for me than what she felt for Trevor. I
observed Trevor and could see it affecting him in the way he carried himself. I found it so
satisfying.
I felt guilty that I had to use Melissa for revenge and would only discard her when I had it. I
didn't think I could do that to her, not after everything she'd done for me. I cared about her and my
conscious got the better of me, so I let it go. I let go of my desire for revenge against Trevor, my
remaining pain from Nicole, and began to move back into the position of a friend to Melissa. But
this train I had created was already moving too fast, spiraling out of control on a death path.

***

My parents were out of town on the weekend and I decided to throw a party. I expected around
thirty peers and that was enough. I didn't trust things at a higher quantity.
Melissa and Amber came around at 6:00 pm. Three hours before the party was actually suppose
to start. They didn't have alcohol on them and begged me for some of the vodka I had under my bed
hidden from my parents.
I agreed to let Melissa and Amber have two glasses each and was cutting them off because I
knew they wouldn't be able to handle more.
After the few drinks Melissa became excited and sexual. She climbed on top of the couch and on
top of me while spreading her legs over mine.
"Melissa, don't," I scolded.
"Why, I thought this was what you wanted," she whispered into my ear.
"Not anymore."
"Why?" she said, leaning back with a shocked expression on her face.
"If you want to do this, prove to me that this is what you really want. Break up with Trevor."
"I can't," she frowned unhappily.
"Why?" I asked.
"I care about both of you," she replied
I had to place myself in a position to give Melissa an ultimatum between Trevor and I. She
refused to choose, "I can't!" Melissa whined, "I don't want to hurt anybody."

"Well sometimes you have to, don't you think you're hurting Trevor already by doing this shit
with me and not breaking up with him?" I told her, "If you break up with him, yeah, you're putting
him through pain, but that's not as bad as putting him through the prolonged pain by continuing this
relationship with me.
Melissa turned hostile and removed herself from me, "Amber wants you. You can fuck her
tonight if you want," Melissa said as if she were giving me permission.
Irritated by Melissa, I obliged. "Fine!" I replied. Amber and I went into my bedroom and I shut
the door behind Melissa. Amber sat on the bed, I sat beside her and moved in to kiss her. Amber
wouldn't let me get past a peck, "Are you going to kiss me or not?" I frowned.
"Let the bottle speak," she replied.
"Ha, you're not getting another drop."
"Why, I want another shot," she demanded.
"Kiss me and I'll think about it."
"No, give me a shot first."
"I do that and you'll pass out before I get the kiss," I replied, getting a little irritated.
Just let the bottle speak," she repeated.
I knew she didn't give a fuck, she only wanted to get drunk. "Whatever," I responded and
grabbed the bottle from underneath the bed. I handed it to Amber, she unscrewed the lid and took
the largest gulp I'd ever seen. I moved in to kiss her and she wilfully stuck her tongue in my mouth.
Just then a few loud bangs smacked against a wall on the other side of the house. "What the fuck
is that?" I said to myself as I left the room to investigate. I entered the bathroom to find Melissa
sitting in the bathtub crying. Her mascara was smudged down her face and she smacked her head
into the back of the wall again as hard as she could. "Fucking stop that!" I shouted at her. Melissa
turned her eyes to me and only stared. "What's wrong?" I asked.
"Nothing," she replied coldly.
I gave Amber the bottle of vodka to keep her busy in the living room and climbed into the wet
bathtub beside Melissa. I spent the next thirty minutes sitting in the tub trying to reason with her
more gently.
"Who do you want?"
"I want both of you," she replied, still unwilling to decide.
"My life is out of balance and it has a lot to do with you. If things don't work out, I have to get
rid of the source of the problem; you."
Water began to surface over Melissa's eyes again.
"Don't be upset. It's nothing to personally do with you. It's a habit of mine. I had to erase Jordan
Fordyce from my life a few times because she began creating too much negativity for me. I had to
do it to her and many girls after her. The bridge was burned with Nicole too; see the pattern?
The water in Melissa's eyes broke surface tension and ran down her cheeks. Now she was crying
out of guilt. "I'm sorry. I only wanted to help and now I'm ruining your life," she said.

"Hey, don't worry about it. You have given me so much, you gave me support, friends, led me to
experiences that I will never forget. Without you, I would've never met Nicole, Amber, Sydney, and
others who became fragile pieces in my life for the last several months, but like most good things,
they don't last and you have to know when to burn the bridge before it does more harm than good."
"So If I can't choose you or Trevor, you're cutting me out of life?"
"Yes," I said lowering my head down sadly.
"I can't do it. I'm sorry. I just can't do it. I'm so weak-willed," Melissa cried.
"We're ending on good terms, that's the important thing. We should get back out there. We
shouldn't leave Amber alone with the whole bottle."
Melissa got up and wrapped her arms around me. Her face was centimetres from mine. "I love
you, Jordan," she whispered so passionately as she ran her fingers through my hair softly, "I'm
going to miss you."
For some reason, I found her immensely beautiful with her mascara running down her face, the
smell of her hair, and the perfect complexion her skin carried. Butterflies ran through my stomach.
"I love you too," impulsively escaped my mouth.
She was so sweet and so compassionate. We never connected so deeply before. I never felt
attraction for her in my life, but I had just developed my first romantic feeling for her. This was a
problem. I just gave her a speech about how I needed to erase her from my life because she was a
source of drama and it was true. This was in my best interest and moments ago I wasn't emotional
attached so it would've been easy. Now, I was fucked. I always acted on emotion. I was still
recovering from Nicole and now I was facing the same kind of vulnerability again.
When we entered the living room, I was impressed to see that Amber hadn't dranken as much as I
thought she would. She was laying on the couch waiting for us.
Melissa checked her phone to find multiple missed calls from Trevor and numerous texts.
"Trevor is at the school and he's really needs to talk to me," Melissa blurted and ran out of the door
before I could say anything. Melissa's facial expressions showed worry so I worried what made her
burst out the door so fast. I couldn't follow her because people were going to start showing up for
the party and I couldn't leave Amber in my house alone. Instead I ended up sitting beside Amber.
We began to connect on the deep levels similar to what I just had with Melissa. Perhaps it was the
atmosphere, but it was probably the alcohol.
Fifteen minutes passed and I assumed that Melissa wasn't coming back, especially in Trevor's
care. Alone with Amber, we made out some more. This time it felt like she wasn't kissing me for
something but because she wanted to. I ran my hand over her breast and placed my hand on her
inner thigh.
"No," she said. I removed my hand. Whenever a girl said no, I respected that. Amber went on to
tell me, "I don't want to be whore. Everyone sees me as a whore and I don't want to be looked at
like that anymore."
Amber told me stories in the past about how she fucked a thirty-three year old man with a wife
and children. She was fifteen-years-old at the time and her reason for doing so was because she was
drunk, and he was hot.
I always felt that Amber was struggling between two sides of herself. She was miserable and

their was a side to her that said fuck life and fuck the world, she did what she wanted. She would do
drugs, have sex with whoever, and turn off her feelings. There was another side to her though. Her
other side wanted to see herself as respected. She wanted to be someone good and make good
choices because even if it didn't seem like it, she really did care about herself. Her sadness made her
more careless attitude the dominant one and that was why she was the way she was.
"Do you think I'm a whore, Jordan?" she asked pitifully.
"Sort of," I replied trying to be honest, "I think you're just confused with the world around you
and you don't know how to react to it. You have it in you to change."
Amber placed her hand over mine and filled the gaps between my fingers with hers. She
confided in me for the first time and she trusted me.
My cell phone started ringing. I answered it and Trevor was on the other end.
"Hello?"
"Hey."
"What the fuck do you want," I sneered.
"Melissa left her bag there. Is it okay if I go and get it?" he asked politely so that I may forget
that he was a two-faced shit and let him on my property.
"No, it's not fucking okay. If you step one foot onto my property you're not going to step off it in
the same condition," I warned.
"Why?" he asked like he was confused by my aggressive response.
"Don't play games, you fuck. You damn well know why. If Melissa wants her bag, she can come
here and get it herself or I can give it to her at school on Monday."
"Okay," he responded innocently then hung up. Moments later Melissa knocked on my door. I let
her in and she rushed forward to hug me. I looked around for Trevor; he didn't appear to be
anywhere nearby but I knew Trevor was somewhere out there, waiting for her to come back.
Melissa grabbed her bag and sat on my couch. "Don't you have to go back?" I asked.
"No, I just want to stay here for a bit. Trevor wants me to leave but I'm having fun," she smiled.
"Glad to hear it," I smiled back and sat down beside her.
"We should drink more," Amber slurred.
"Alright, I'm in a good mood. Let's get drunk," I announced. I got up to grab the vodka that was
half finished and looked out the window for Trevor one more time, then locked the door for good
measure.
While pouring shots for the three of us, Melissa had to go the washroom. While she was in the
washroom she had left her phone on the coffee table; it began ringing consistently and dinged with
texts. I knew Melissa would feel compelled to go back out, seeing Trevor again, and this time he
wouldn't let her back without anything to come back for. So I turned her phone off and tucked it
between the cushions of the couch.
Melissa came back into the living room, placed herself beside me once more and we all picked
up our shots.

"Like this," Melissa said, as she pressed her shot glass up to my mouth. I reached my arm up to
her mouth so that it was crossed with her arm. We poured eachother's shots into our mouths.
Melissa spilt some of the liqour down my face and burst into laughter.
Melissa spun around toward Amber and asked for a moment alone with me. Amber nodded and
Melissa guided me into my bedroom. She pushed me onto the bed and climbed on top of me. I
pulled her down for a kiss and we got caught in a lip lock for several minutes until she started to
grind her pelvis into mine. I thought she was going to pull my clothes off and have sex with me.
She continued making out with me for several minutes and I pulled her shirt off to escalate the
experience. She pulled her bra off for me and pulled my shirt off. She pressed her chest against
mine and my hands found their way to Melissa's belt and I began to undo them. "No," she whined,
"I'm not ready for that yet."
"Ugh," I moaned, stopping.
"What's wrong?" Melissa asked.
"What the hell is this?" I asked, frustrated, "Why are you telling me to stop now.",
"I only wanted to kiss," she said innocently.
"You're unbelievable," I told her, grabbing my shirt and getting ready to leave the room.
"Wait," she said, grabbing my arm. "Okay."
She undid her belt, took her jeans off, and pulled her thong down her legs.
"Fuck it," I said aloud and jumped back into the bed with her.
She grinded her pelvis into mine. Her legs weaved in between mine and she grabbed my pillow
burying her head into it trying not to scream.
Then the door swung wide open and I heard a gasp from Amber. "Ew, what are you doing?"
Amber shouted.
"Get out!" Melissa screamed as she jumped off me and began dressing herself quickly. Amber
slammed the door back shut and Melissa chased after her still zipping up her jeans and panting
down her sex hair.
"Ewww," Amber shouted, you have sex hair."
"Amber, you can't tell anyone about this! Promise me!"
Amber thought about it for moment. "Okay, I promise.
Melissa was swaying back and forth now and asked me for another shot.
"You're too drunk," I notified her.
"Please, I want more," she begged.
"Not happening."
Several eager knocks erupted on my front door. I answered to find a dozen of my friends enter
my home.
Melissa and Amber, for some reason, got nervous due to the popularity of the girls that arrived in
my home. Melissa gave me a last kiss on the lips before she went outside with Amber. I followed
her to convince Melissa to stay and try to socialize.

"Holy fuck," Amber shouted, "all that alcohol just hit me." as she stumbled out of my yard.
Trevor appeared from down the road and grabbed Melissa aggressively.
"Take it easy with her, fucking emo redneck."
Trevor ignored my insult until Amber blurted out, "Oh my god, Trevor! Melissa and Jordan were
making out and then they went into a room and were like on top of eachother doing shit in a bed.
They were like naked."
Trevor spun around and looked at me, his eyes widening. I smiled at him and he turned back
around and pulled Melissa away. Amber, hardly being able to walk straight, stumbled after them.
I returned to the party which turned into a competition after Victoria announced that she was
having a party that night too. She used the hot tub in her backyard as a selling point.
Victoria and I were swapping peers between our parties'. She came over to my place wearing a
big red scarf and shouted, "Hey everyone, I have a hot tub and a way bigger house. Come over and
party across the street."
"And who invited you here?" I asked critically, "and what's with that scarf?"
"Nothing," she replied.
I walked up and yanked it off her neck revealing the largest hickeys I had ever seen to the whole
party.
She ripped her scarf out of my hand and stormed out of the house embarrassed. Unfortunately,
many of my peers began talking about how nice that hot tub sounded and left for Victoria's shortly
after. I called it a night and went to bed.

***

The next day. Melissa and I snuck away into some of the back halls inside the school. We were
talking about each others' feelings and about our moment of sexual intensity. We both leaned in for
a kiss but the moment our lips just barely touched, the stairwell door swung open and Trevor rushed
in grabbing Melissa by the arm and pulling her out into the hall.
"STAY AWAY FROM HER!" Trevor screamed in desperation after he witnessed what was just
about to take place.
"You really are a piece of work, Trevor," I laughed while following him out into the hall, "she
cheats on you half a dozen times and your first reaction is It's all Jordan's fault, Melissa can't help
it. I love her., I said imitating Trevor. Trevor's eyes turned more serious. I continued to try and arise
more anger out of him. "You caught her cheating on you how many times now and still you accept
her back in your arms. How pathetic can a guy get? You know shes going to do it again, right?"
Melissa looked up from the ground quickly meeting my eyes for a moment. She looked at me
like I had betrayed her. It was like she had just realized who I really was, and that she was nothing
more than tool to be used by me. It didn't phase me. I was beginning to see how naive Melissa
really was.

"You know, Trevor," I continued, "Im really surprised that you can take so much shit. This
whole time Ive been wondering 'Wow, when is this guy finally going to snap,' and you will, don't
worry. When you do Im going to put you down like the dog you are."
Rage appeared in Trevor's face. He bulged his hand into a fist and it began to shake. This is it, I
thought to myself, he's finally going to take a swing."
Trevor turned around and walked down the hall as fast as he could with Melissa. I yelled down
the hall at him, uncaring of the audience that turned their attention from their lockers.
"The funniest part is she doesn't even regret cheating on you!"
Trevor spun around in an instant and yelled at me at the top of his lungs, "FUCK YOU! YOU'RE
A FUCKING LOSER THAT WILL GO AFTER ANY GIRL TO GET INTO HER PANTS! YOU
TREAT WOMEN LIKE SHIT! YOU'RE NOTHING BUT A PLAYER THAT DOESN'T GIVE A
SHIT ABOUT ANY GIRL! Trevor lost it, his voice was full of hate and he was stuttering on his
words. He still wouldn't make a move against me. However, I was satisfied with his outburst of
anger.
I spoke to Trevor with a confident and even voice, "I don't treat women badly. I show them all a
genuine interest and offer them a better option. Melissa cheated on you because I gave her a better
option than you," I finished in my coldest voice.
I could see pain form on Trevor's face. Trevor turned back around and walked away in a hurry,
hoping not to show anymore weakness.
I was done with this. I got Melissa to cheat on him and I could see the agony he felt. I gained my
justice. Trevor took Nicole from me, I nearly took Melissa from him. I had caused him to feel the
same despair he caused me to feel, even if for just moment.
I walked to my locker feeling accomplished. I could let Melissa go easily, even though some
small feelings developed for her the previous night, they were not genuine. Melissa was nothing of
what a meaningful pursuit meant to me.
A football player named Brent approached me from behind and threw me up against my locker.
"What the fuck did you do to Melissa? Why is she crying?" he shouted in an aggrevated tone.
"Stay the fuck out of it, it's got nothing to do with you," I said in an even tone. He pulled me
toward him and slammed me back into the locker. "Stay the fuck out of this and walk away," I
continued before pushing him off me.
He refused to be reasonable and only wanted the situation to go one way. "Im not going to ask
you again! What the fuck did you do to Melissa?" he screamed, demanding his answer.
I looked around and several dozen students gathered around to watch the dispute. Now I had to
show everyone that nobody gets to do that to me.
I shoved Brent off me and he backed away to throw a punch. I dodged it and he grabbed my
shoulders and kneed me in the gut. My body concaved with the hit to the stomach and I came right
back up with an uppercut to his face. I struck him in the dead center of his nose. He stumbled back
and grunted in pain.
"You fucker!" he screamed as he threw a punch to the side of my head and I returned one just
above his eye. Brent appeared dazed with the extra blow to his face. I acted fast and threw another

punch but he dodged it and my fist smashed into a locker. He grabbed ahold of my shoulders
struggling to tackle me to the ground. I leaned my head back and smashed my forehead into his. A
deadly blow to both of us. I clutched him back ignoring the pain. We were both in each others' grips
trying to throw eachother to the ground, pushing at each other with as much force as we had. We
crashed up against a wall, I twisted my leg behind his foot and pushed my body into his. He fell
backward on my foot and lost his balance. He grabbed onto me as he fell, taking me down with
him. Brent landed on the ground before I did and I dropped a single last strike to his face as I landed
on the ground with him.
"That's enough! What is going on over here?" Teachers began shouting as they came out of the
classrooms to investigate the commotion. The teachers escorted us both to the principals office to
await disciplinary action. The principal talked to Brent in a separate room while making me wait in
his office.
I could see Trevor outside the window of the office smiling at me. He gave me a mocking
thumbs up.
I moved my lips very slowly, silently saying, "You're next," making sure he could lip read me.
Trevor wiped the smile off his face and walked away. Brent was sent home and the principal then
came into the office to question me.
I explained that it was a matter of defense but many of Brent's friends came forward as witnesses
to lie for him. They said I provoked him and made the first strike. I was sent home with a two day
suspension before winter break.
I received messages on Facebook from a girl named Kendra in my dance class. She had been
wondering why I hadn't been in class the past couple days. I explained to her that I was suspended.
I was under the impression that she was attracted to me because she made sexual jokes toward
me and instantly spoke to me every time I logged into my MSN and Facebook.
I had known her to be dating a peer of mine named Konrad. Kendra claimed that they broke up
and that we should get to know eachother better because we were in dance class together. She told
me she thought I was telling a story in my dance movements.
"Tell a story? I may enjoy writing but I don't do cheesy stuff like that," I told her.
"Sometimes you can do it without meaning to. I think when someone dances, they tell a story
about who they want to be instead of who they are."
Maybe she was right. I danced making up moves that I felt I were impressive doing. I felt
prominent and glorified in the way I danced and that's how I wanted to feel in way of others.
During the Winter Break, Adam became my best friend. Adam was a new friend I made after
Sydney had introduced me to him. Sydney had begun pursuing him after I chose Nicole and he and
Sydney dated for a while.
Adam knew Brent very well. They played football together. He was surprised to find that I
was the Jordan he had heard about.
"Why don't you have any bruises or cuts on your face?" he asked with surprise.
"Why would I have cuts or bruises on my face?" I replied.
"Brent told me he got into a fight with someone named Jordan and that he kicked the shit out of

him. I never realized he was talking about you. I didn't think it was you because you looked
perfectly fine before and after he told me about that fight."
"You're kidding me," I laughed, "I did more damage to that fuck, Brent, then he did to me. I
walked away without a scratch and I saw the big, red, puffy nose I gave him. He's telling everyone
he did me in?"
"Yeah man, you actually took him on and walked away without a scratch?"
"Everyone keeps saying that," I laughed.
It was a compliment to me. No one expected me, the short guy, to have the ability to equally take
on a guy as big as Brent. I could hold my own in a threatened situation. I was short, however I had
hidden muscularity under the shirts I wore that were too long and the thick layer of a hoody with an
overcoat. I had amazing strength from endless hours breakdance practice I did everyday. When I
was middle school, I was cursed with an unattractive slouch and small umuscular arms; I was the
definition of weak. When I found an interest in breakdancing, it was all I did, everything I spent my
free time doing, and my greatest trait.
The night of a school dance, I would get home from school in the afternoon, push furniture to all
sides of the living room to clear a space, and would practice breakdancing until the school dance
started.
People were impressed and amazed with me. Nobody expected the short, stereotyped loser to be
the most admirable and impressive person on the dance floor. I hoped it would be my way into the
'cool' crowd. Instead, the 'cool' crowd was offended by me. I could do things beyond what they
could imagine themselves doing so they targeted me.
Many of them had aproached me, asking me to show them some more moves. "We'll start a big
circle for you and get people watching," they promised, and they did. They made a big circle and
directed everyone's attention to me. I would begin to lunge into a back flip until someone shoved
me from the side and jumped back into the crowd before I could see who it was. I tried again, this
time to have someone stick their leg out to trip me. I fell over, embarrassed in front of the crowd.
When I went to look at who tripped me, they blended themself back into the crowd again. Instead of
doing a backflip, I decided to do some less impressive moves that would be more difficult to
sabotage. I did a spin on my back called the windmill until a prep came out and booted me in the
side. I toppled over in pain and finally saw who has been harassing me. It was the prep that initially
asked me to breakdance and offered to make the circle for me. He did it to embarrass me and make
me look like a fool. I got up and shoved him with all the force I could muster. He fell backward and
landed on the floor. A nearby teacher saw me tackle him and grabbed the sleeve of my shirt and
threw me out of the dance for starting a fight.

Chapter 6
Manipulation

In the evening, I laid in my bed with the phone sitting beside me wondering if I should call
Fordyce. I decided to go ahead and do it.
Hey! I was just about to call you.Weird, she said. What's up?
Oh not much, got kicked out of school, I laughed.
That's terrible! How the hell did that happen?
Got into a fight over a girl. I don't even know why it happened; the guy hardly even knows
Melissa.
Melissa, what? What ever happened to Nicole?
How do you even know I picked Nicole in the first place. I never told you.
I just know you, she giggled.
I don't know what happened with Nicole. She bought into this guy's bullshit and left me.
Melissa is dating that guy. We've kind of had a thing going on and they're still dating. He caught her
cheating with me about three times now and still refuses to break up with her. He's pathetic!
You're a hell raiser, oh my god! It seems your charms are still effective.
It was amazing talking to her. When talking to her, my problems always just melted away and we
were just two people purely enjoying eachothers' conversation.
Yeah, if only they still worked on you, I laughed.
Jordan, she said concerningly. Her attitude shifted. I've been meaning to ask you something:
was it you that sent those messages to my boyfriend? I talked to Leah and she says it wasn't her. She
says you got into her account and sent them because you still love me.
Yeah, I won't lie and say that there arent still some feelings there, but I can't believe you would
even ask me that! Leah is a conniving bitch, she's poison and she's trying to poison you against
me!
Okay, I'm sorry! I wasn't accusing you; I just had to make sure that's what happened. I managed
to forgive Dom and needed to know before we get into a relationship again.
Wait, what do you mean you forgive him? How can you even consider getting into a
relationship again? Dom was so easily willing to cheat on you. I saw every bit of that conversation
and Dom didn't even need the smallest push to do it; the idea was proposed and he jumped right on
it. How do you know he hasn't gone through with cheating on you before and you're stupidly taking
him back just like that?
You don't know him! He's been beating himself up ever since it happened and has felt horrible.

Jesus, Fordyce, what are you doing? This is stupid. I thought you were smarter than that!
I think I'm going to go, Fordyce said quietly and upset.
I hung up the phone on her and grabbed a drink. I had finally gotten Jordan single again and a
few weeks later she went back to the guy who was readily able to cheat on her. Not even for a
second did she look at me as an option. I was there for her, we had moments that were powerful and
full of emotion, we connected on universal levels and it hurt me to know she was going back to a
man that didn't appreciate her.
I started to regret the way I talked to Jordan Fordyce and realized how much I still wanted her
deep down. The girls I had been pursuing were nothing more than compensation for not having
Fordyce. Nicole was the closet I had to Fordyce since being with her which was why I felt so
attracted to her.
Adam messaged me asking if I wanted to hang out that night. Adam and I drank just about every
night during the two week break. I had been staying up till 6:00 am every morning and sleeping in
till 6:00 pm in the evening. I hadnt seen daylight in almost a week.
Through my drunken nights of self reflection, I decided I wanted to go back to Edmonton. I was
trying to wait it out till I could get the hell out of here again and back to Edmonton. I could live a
good life there, I just needed to make better choices this time around. That's what I did, I ran. When
things started to get hard and fucked up, I always wanted to go somewhere else and have a fresh
start. It seemed I was jumping back and forth between Nelson and Edmonton, living alter lives in
each.
Winter break seemed to have ended too soon. When school had begun once again, people who
were friends of Brent had begun to harass me. After my fight with Brent, the administration had told
me I was one of the most complained about students in the school. I was enraged by this; I felt like
the greatest victim in the school and I was only the most complained about because, instead of most
victims, I fought back and retaliated to hold onto my self-worth and self-respect. Force respects
greater force and when things blew up, I was always the greatest force seen by the authorities. So in
the eyes of others, I was the bad guy, and I was always going to be the bad guy in Nelson.
However, when being harassed, I sucked it up for the sake of staying in school. I was almost
done and I didn't want to screw up my education when it was so close to being over. I worked hard
to gain the right amount of credits to graduate from highschool five months early. I wasn't going to
fuck it up and have to stay an additional five months more than what I had to.
When returning to dance class, I noticed Kendra frequently staring at me. I also noticed that she
befriended Amber and after another week she began to hang out with Melissa.
I wasn't particularly impressed with her interaction with Melissa after hearing that she had
established a hate group for me on Facebook.
After many more dance sessions, Kendra pulled aside after class was dismissed. She expressed
her feelings of infatuation for me and wanted to go out with me. I said we could be friends first and
go from there because I was suspicious of her sudden association with Melissa and Amber. As
friends, she became quite clingy. The more I got to know Kendra, the more suspicious I became of
her. Kendra told stories in half truths and bended each and every word she ever spoke to satisfy
what she willed. I had immense reason to believe there was an underlying plot being worked against
me.

When Kendra added me to Facebook we had 4 mutual friends. After two weeks we had 46
mutual friends; many of these friends included those from Edmonton who she could not have
possibly known. A mental alarm went off in my head and I immediately blocked her on Facebook.
This was stalker behaviour at work. Kendra turned out to be one of those fucked up girls who liked
to play mind games with people.
When going to talk to Amber, she had asked me if it was true that I asked Kendra out.
"Did Kendra tell you that?" I asked.
"Yeah, she seems really nice. You two are good for each other."
"We're not dating!" I said angrily and spun around to search the halls for Kendra. I was sick of
her mind games. I spotted her talking to Melissa and approached her.
"I know what you've been doing, Kendra! Why have you been telling people that we're dating?"
Kendra tried to ignore me. She gave me the cold shoulder and started to walk away. I grabbed her
arm. "Enough is enough. You have no chance with me, I'm interested in far more worthwhile girls
than you," I muttered harshly.
Kendra exploded. "I will have you killed!" she screamed in the middle of the hallway and then
burst into tears.
Kendra ran over to a group of guys who were labeled as the nerd's. Kendra had dated that guy
named Konrad from the group. Although a nerd, Konrad was respectable. He treated everyone fairly
and nice, and was the only person I knew in the school to ride a motorcycle he deserved some
recognition for that. I knew Kendra was trying to stir shit up, it was in her nature. I trusted that
Konrad would be reasonable enough to hear my side of the story before acting on whatever Kendra
was whispering into his ear.

Chapter 7
What Are Sisters For?

My last days of school came rolling around and I actually felt sad to leave it. School, it was my
whole life thus far and I was finishing earlier than most. I wasn't sure if I wanted high school to end
so quickly knowing I would never come to it again.
From there on, it was only me, on my own, against cold, brutal, and relentless life. I was up to
the challenge. Fuck the primitive mentalities of high school. In the big bad world was where I
would and was meant to thrive. It was time to earn the glory and the lifestyle I sought after.
Surprisingly, I was considerably happy throughout those last days. I was especially happy over
one girl in particular. My sister had a very close friend named Rebecca and invited her over on
many occasions. One night, my sister, Natasha, invited Rebecca and her sister over. Rebecca's sister
was named Courtney and the two of them were identical twins.
That night, they were all huddled on my bed playing Guitar Hero on my Xbox 360. I didn't know
Courtney very well and was curious about her. I wanted to find a way to make conversation so I
used whatever I could. Courtney complained to my sister that she was hungry but my sister had
disregarded her hunger. I walked out of the room and into the kitchen, started cutting slices of
cheese, sausage, veggies, and grabbed a bag of crackers. I set up a nice platter, walked back into the
bedroom and set it down on my study desk.
"Oh my god, you brought food. Thank you!" Courtney exclaimed.
"Huh?" I said, turning around and acting like I hadn't seen her there. "This is for me!"
"No way, you're sharing that!" Courtney countered.
She continued demanding food from me and playfully hit me when I didn't do as she asked. I
was a little amused by it Courtney had begun to steal food off my platter and before I knew it, we
were outright flirting.
I never really thought it was a possibility that Courtney and I could be anything. She was always
the girl that my sister was friends with. Natasha and Rebecca left the room and it was the first
moment we had alone together. We were cuddling together on my bed, looking into each others
eyes for a brief moment.
"May I kiss you?" I asked her in almost a whisper.
She smiled and a small tint of red arose in her cheeks. "Maybe," she replied.
I moved my mouth towards hers and pressed my lips against hers. It started off with just a small
peck and then it escalated into more intimate kissing. She kissed so passionately and I felt a small
spark.
"Wow," I smiled.
"What?" she replied.

"You? Wow."
"What!" she repeated, louder.
"You. Who would've imagined," I told her in a daze.
Courtney had something most girls didn't have. She was uncomplicated and easy going. She was
honest and I could tell that about her from being alone with her for twenty wishful minutes.
My sister burst into the room to grab Courtney. "Rebecca and I want to go to bed," she told her.
Courtney obliged and left the room for a moment, then came back to tell me that she probably
wouldn't be able to stop thinking about that kiss for the next couple hours. Then she asked me if she
could sneak into my room while everyone was asleep.
"Not that I wouldn't love for you to sneak into my room, but I know my mother and she'll
probably be checking up on you three throughout the night, make sure none of you are getting into
mischief."
"Okay," Courtney frowned and went to bed.
The girls set up an air mattress in the living room that they slept on. My room was directly
connected to the living room and they were only a metre away from my bedroom door. I laid in bed
for quite a while thinking about what just happened with Courtney.
In the morning, I got up and woke Courtney up. She smiled and told me she had a dream about
me.
Around 1:00 p.m, my mother came out of her bedroom and notified me of an audition for Model
& Talent Scout Canada (MTSC.) It was much like CSMT, the event I attended when I was fifteen
and met Jordan Fordyce at.
I spent fifteen minutes in the washroom doing my hair, putting on male make up, and placing
myself into my best jeans and flashiest dress shirt. I placed another set of Crest White Strips to give
my teeth that finishing glow. I looked and felt my best.
I left for the auditions without my sister, who was suppose to come but she had backed out.
When I arrived, Melissa, Nicole, and her sister, Jessica, were there. It was a little awkward since all
three of them now despised me.
I signed for the papers and auditioned. They handed me a paper filled with different commercial
scripts and told me I had to choose one of them to read.
At the last minute, Id seen my sister walk into the room with Courtney and Rebecca. It looked
like my sister decided to audition after all.
I was happy that Courtney was there, she would get to see my audition. I was called up to the
front of the room to recite my commercial. I was great at memorizing things. I confidently left my
script on my seat and walked in front of everyone where I recited my commercial with near
perfection. Everyone clapped for me. I believe my confidence radiated a certain kind of energy, I
felt like I was glowing before the audience.
Nicole was called right after me. She nervously held her paper in hand and dropped it before
starting. Sorry! she embarrassingly said while picking it back up. She placed an um in between
each sentence.
It was a good feeling showing your ex that you're better than her.

Next, Melissa was up. She laughed, giggled, and smiled brightly while reading out her script. It
wasn't done too well but I knew she was going to get attention for her vibrant personality.
After everyone had auditioned, the participants were called into separate rooms one by one for
interviews.
A woman named Kate sat me down and complimented me, Do you have experience in this
field? You were very professional with your script and with the way you carried yourself.
I told her about my experiences at CSMT and how I caught the interest from representatives
from Disney and Carolyn's Acting Agency in Toronto. She was very impressed and told me that she
would not have even made me audition with my experience. She handed me an invitation to attend a
showcase in Vancouver.
Another large sum of money was requested and I was to provide my own travel expenses,
accommodations, and stylist charges. I'll be straight with you," I told Kate, "I'm not interested in
sinking that much money into this right now. Perhaps next year when I have more resources
available, I explained to her.
Okay, we will be coming through Nelson again next year. I'll put you straight through if you're
interested. Take my business card and give me a call next year or if you change your mind.
I thanked her and walked outside to see Courtney waiting out in the hallway. How did you do?
she asked.
I did great! I turned their offer down, though. I can think of better ways to spend one-thousand
dollars.
Later that night, Courtney and I were cuddling in my bed again. Courtney and Rebecca were
fighting and Courtney became depressed. I tried to comfort her and I typed in text messages on my
phone, showing them to Courtney. It said, I care about you and Ill be there for you when you need
me."
She smiled and mouthed the words "Thank you."
I then wrote her another one asking, "Will you be my girlfriend?"
She looked me in the eyes and thought for a minute with deep consideration. She said she'd have
to think about it. Her sister and my sister were both in the room with us and we didn't want to make
it too obvious that there was something going on between her and I. I was dying to kiss her again,
so we did. We got caught kissing by Natasha and Rebecca and I felt very guilty that I may have
gotten Courtney in trouble.
I saw Courtney at school during my exam day and she told that she didn't get in trouble and that
it was good that her sister knew so Courtney didn't have to hide it anymore.
I thought she was amazing in her own little ways, she was growing on me incredibly fast, not in
the same way other romantic interests had. This time, my logical side and my feelings told me she
was the right decision. In my past Id always pursued girls out of emotion and never logic. There
was something balanced about my feelings for Courtney.

***

In the morning, I looked at my text messages to find one from Melissa. Hey Jordan, I'm sorry
for being a bitch before but I really need to ask you something.
I responded out of curiosity, What is it?
Is MTSC the same kind of event that you were at before?
It is.
Can you please help me. I got invited and my mom says she's going to pay the fee's to go to
Vancouver. I've never wanted anything so bad. I need you to help me prepare. You know what it's
like so you know what to expect.
I decided to fuck with her, Yeah, I'll help you on one condition. You have to break up with
Trevor and cease talking to him. Then I'll help you.
I was going to see just how badly she wanted it.
For days she begged and whined for another condition. I owed her no sympathy and began to
ignore her completely.
A few nights later, Kendra flipped shit when she found out about Courtney. I checked my
overdue Facebook messages to see many apologies about her lying. She said she just got the wrong
impression and was emotional when she said she'd have me killed. A few messages followed,
showing evidence that she was getting irritated with my non-responsiveness. She realized that I
completely stopped giving her attention and she was not taking it well.
She called me numerous times threatening to call the cops for apparently hacking into her MSN
and Facebook. It appeared someone else got fed up with her bullshit and compromised her
accounts.
Kendra was a control freak. She had her ex-boyfriend or boyfriend, whatever the real story was,
Konrad, wrapped around her finger and this guy was foolish enough to buy into any bullshit story
Kendra gave him.
I was sitting in my living room writing emails to Fordyce and friends in Alberta when I heard a
car screech around the block and pull in front my house. I set my lap top down and walked into the
kitchen to grab a large knife. I didn't know what their intentions were and I grabbed a knife to put
behind my back as a precaution. Someone began to violently knock on my door as I came back out
of the kitchen. I answered the door for Konrad and his large friend, Riley, who was leaning against
my gate a few metres back. Konrad had a furious look on his face.
Can I help you? I asked.
Are your parents home?
No, my parents are working. What would you like?
I want you to give Kendra's password back right now! he demanded.
I don't have it.
Bullshit, I know you hacked her account.

I didn't hack her account, but I applaud whoever did. Bitch had it coming to her.
Don't you dare fucking talk about her like that!
Look, I don't know what she's been telling you, but I have nothing against you. You can come
in, sit down, and we can talk about this and clear the air.
There is nothing to talk about! Either you give Kendra's password back or you will regret it.
I stayed calm and tried to deal with him in a mature manner, You don't need to be hostile with
me, man. I'm just trying to help. You're under a lot of misconceptions and you deserve to know that
Kendra has been trying to cheat on you.
Fuck you, you deserve what's coming! Konrad screamed and spun around to head back to his
car.
I revealed the concealed knife from my back. Don't show up here again. You're not welcome
here and you're trespassing!
Riley took a good look at my knife and pulled out one of his own, giving me a serial killer stare.
Are you really that stupid? I asked Riley while he was waving his tiny camping knife around.
Stop for a minute, I humorously told Riley, look at your knife. Now look at mine. I see your
knife and Im like 'oh, that probably wouldnt hurt so bad.' Now look at my knife, think this one
would do some damage? I laughed with cynicism. If you think Im afraid of you, ANY OF YOU,
you are so very sadly mistaken. Now get the fuck off my property, you two fucking clowns!
Konrad and his friend looked at me dumbfounded. They were wordless. They realized coming to
my house and trying to intimidate me was a useless attempt. They left my yard, jumped back in the
idling car and sped off in a hurry. Five minutes later, I got a phone call from Kendra again.
What the hell did you say to Konrad! What the fuck did you do to make him freak out so
much? Kendra shouted over the line demanding answers.
You think you can send people to my house to threaten me and then expect me to let them leave
happy? I laughed.
Theyre going to the police station to report you right now! Youre basicly fucked now, Jordan!
Were going to charge you.
Is that so? Well good luck trying to accomplish that considering your little pawn made the
bigger offense tonight. You think youre the first to try and charge me? I made mistakes that almost
did get me charged, I know what it takes to charge someone, I know what to say and what not to
say, what to do and what not to do. I know what I can get away with and know what you cant.
Watch your tongue girl, I can ruin your life if you push me far enough.
Kendra blurted out a few useless insults and threats before I heard her phone slam down onto the
receiver.
I went down to the police station to report what happened and found that Konrad and Riley were
already there complaining about me. I didn't care; they showed up on MY property and threatened
ME. They couldn't do shit to me no matter how bad they wanted.
An officer got us into a room to come up with a solution to the conflict. It was at this time
Konrad was willing to talk and work something out. The officer asked Konrad what he was trying
to accomplish. He said he just wanted me to leave Kendra alone. I explained that I was disgusted to

know the girl and would gladly leave her alone. The problem arose not because I didn't leave her
alone, it was because I actually did.
I went back home where Adam came over to my place because he got kicked out and didn't have
anywhere else to go. I stole the car again and went cruising down the highway with him.

Chapter 8
Near Death

I enjoyed the feeling of only paying attention to the road and listening to good tunes. The road
was covered with fresh snow fall and it didn't matter how fast I pushed the vehicle, it seemed to
have flawless traction. Being young and foolish, I believed those horrifying car accidents were
something that happened to other people. Not me.
I was racing toward Castlegar; it was Nelson's sister town about forty kilometres away through
the mountains. I was speeding excessively due to the fact that I was extremely irritated by Kendra
and the turn of events that night.
I watched the speedometer pin hit one-sixty. I was accustomed to driving at this speed. A
sharp corner was coming up and I realized I was going to fast to make it around. Hold on, I told
Adam who was in the passenger seat. A bad feeling hit my gut. A sixth sense sort of feeling that told
me something bad was about to happen. I smoothly rolled around the curve in the road and
everything seemed fine. I guess my mind set was a little off. Id been a little edgy with the
enormous loads of drama rippling around me.
In a half-second, everything turned horribly wrong. The steering wheel violently jolted to the left
and the vehicle skidded sideways down the road. I pulled back on the steering wheel trying to keep
the vehicle straight. I had too much speed to control and I became instantly horrified. The vehicle
was lost and I had the most imminent and detrimental choice to make. Should I let the car collide
into rock cliffside of the mountain or direct it toward the decline toward the lake. Which option was
less likely to kill us? I didn't have enough time to make a decision. Instinct took over and I pulled
the vehicle away from smashing into the cliff. The car swerved toward the other side of the road and
we were sent flying off the embankment toward the lake.
The hood of the car smashed into the mound of snow that separated paved order from wilderness
and into the air. My body elevated above the seat with the downward force. Upon impact, I watched
the hood of the car crumple as it smashed into a cluster of trees in our path. The car tipped forward
and pivoted, causing us to flip and roll toward the lake uncontrollably.
There is a moment when you're about to die that time slows down. Your adrenal gland
completely empties itself in a last attempt to give you survivability. Your brain processes your every
sight, smell, sound, and sensation at light bursting speeds.
As the car window exploded in my face upon another impact, it almost looked beautiful
watching the glimmering shards float by me in seeming slow motion.
The vehicle continued to dive forward ripping a path through shrubs and spitting snow out of it's
inevitable path.
No! You can't die. Not here and not now. Whatever it takes, Jordan, whatever it takes. You need
to get out of this car right now, my pure intsinct demanded of me.

Instinct being the force it was, took complete control of my body and forced to me whip my seat
belt off and kick the driver door open as I prepared to lunge out of the vehicle. As I pushed the door
open the vehicle slammed into another tree forcing my door back shut and knocking me back into
my seat.
The only thing going through my mind was: this can't be real, this has to be a bad dream, but it
wasn't a dream. The car continued downward and I could see the lake coming into view.
I closed my eyes listening to the destructive sounds of impact. I knew it was over, my life was
going to end here. I had no choice but to accept death and braced myself for the coming moment.
Not even for a moment did I think of my family, god, or any girl I had ever loved. All I wondered
was what was on the other side and I hoped that my conscience would survive the journey.
Then all of a sudden, everything stopped.
The forceful motions and destructive sounds of impact came to a dead silence. The vehicle was
motionless and I was in shock. I looked at my body in wonder if I was hurt. All I could feel was the
freezing air tingling my shock stricken face. Adam was unconscious and he came around a few
moments later.
"Get out of the car!" I demanded with worry.
Adam quickly shoved at his door but it refused to budge. My door could open and I helped Adam
climb out as I sank my feet on solid ground. I wasn't sure where the vehicle had stopped and made
sure we were out of the car in case it started rolling again.
The car pinned itself against a thick tree trunk that was literally a few feet from the steep drop off
into the ice-cold lake. I couldn't believe it. It was too close for comfort.
I wobbled a few feet from the vehicle, fell onto my knees, and started screaming at the top of my
lungs. I was still letting all that adrenaline out.
"I was going to die. I was going to fucking die!"
"What happened..." Adam said, mumbling. It was clear he was in shock.
I could see smoke coming from what was left of the engine. Nearly half the hood had been
ripped off. A peice of car spoiler was laying beside my feet in the snow, and I noticed a wide trail of
metallic debris in the wake of destrution.
I was in shock. I didn't believe what just happened actually happened.
Are you okay? I asked Adam ambivalently.
Yeah, he replied. His voice was shaken and uneasy.
I didn't understand how neither of us had a scratch on us. Did we actually die and we were ghosts
that manifested out of our shredded bodies?
"Get out of my way," I told Adam as I pushed him aside. I needed to check if my dead body was
in the car because I could barely believe we were both alive.
Two empty seats.
I need to find my phone," I told Adam, "I need to find my phone, I muttered to myself as I
swept broken glass off the floor of the car looking for where my phone could have gone.
Why do you need your phone? Adam asked. He must've been out of it.

To call for help! I yelled in disbelief of his ridiculous question.

You cant call the cops! Well be in so much shit.
No, just me. You were merely a passenger. All the legal repercussions go on me. I probably just
fucked up my whole life right here. If Im not looking at jail time, then Ill have to pay for this car
since Im not insured and I dont exactly have thirty grand lying around. Im going to lose my
license for a long time.
Dont call the cops. We can report the vehicle stolen.
And do what? We're in the fucking middle of nowhere and we'll fucking come down with
pneumonia or frostbite before we get anywhere, I shouted in frustration.
Adam handed me his phone because I couldnt locate mine amongst the wreckage.
"You had a phone the whole time," I said infuriated, "yet it never occured to you to call for help
while I was looking for mine to do just that?"
I snatched Adam's phone out of his hand and dialed 911 to report my crash. The call assistant
notified us that help was on its way and asked questions like Is anyone was hurt? How far out of
town are you? Are you dressed for the weather? It didn't matter, the weather didn't bother me. I
was just standing there in shock and disbelief.
Adam and I began climbing up the embankment with difficulty as our legs sank several feet into
the snow. We used the path of scattered broken trees and wreckage to our advantage, finding our
way up.
To my surprise, I spotted a small, silver device sticking out of the snow several dozen metres
away from the car. I reached into the snow and pulled my phone from the frozen snow. I looked
from my phone to Adam. Were lucky to be alive, I stated and kept thinking about the
repercussions of what just happened. I began to feel sick to my stomach. I dont know if I
wouldve been better off dieing in that crash. My life is going to go speeding downhill when I get
back home, I said gravely.
Dude, just think of how much we learned from this! Adam replied. Rage flooded my face. I
was tempted to strike Adam in the face. He was looking at it as the experience of a lifetime, as an
exciting story to tell. He is telling me to look at it as a good experience when he gets to walk away
without so much as a slap on the wrist.
Adam and I heard a car drive by and we figured we were about 40 yards from the highway. It
was sixteen degrees celsius and we didn't have jackets and began to get very cold, very fast. Adam
and I made it back to the highway and remained standing on the road until a police truck slowed
and pulled up in front of us. The officer stepped out of the truck and told us to get inside to warm
up. The officer looked up my drivers license in the system and asked me if I was suppose to be
driving. I admitted that I was driving illegally and that my parents didn't know I had possession of
the vehicle. He told me to come down to the car with him to grab anything I needed while he took
pictures of the wreckage. As we doubled back, we followed the route the car went down.
Holy, the officer stammered, this was bad! I can't believe you walked out of this untouched.
As we were driving back to town the officer said we missed about two clusters of thick trees and
hit the most level part of the embankment. If we were going any other speed or hit the bank at any
other spot we'd both likely be dead.

The officer pulled in front of my house. You wrecked the only family car and your parents
didn't know you took it. Boy, I wouldn't want to be you right now. You probably wish we could
keep driving around the block over and over again, huh? he said.
Yeah, that sounds pretty nice right now, I said weakly.
You'd better come with me, the officer said before escorting me to front doorstep.
The officer knocked on the door several times. It was around 4:00 a.m and it took several
minutes for my father to answer the door.
What did he do now? My father asked in a pissed off tone.
Your son had a bit of an accident with your car. He went off the ridge along the mountains
toward Castlegar. I have to tell you, he must have a guardian angel or something because I'm
surprised he's alive.
My father scoffed and raised his arm to hit me but held back due to the presence of the officer.
I stepped inside slowly and collapsed in the doorway of my bedroom. The officer pulled out a
fine book and wrote up a five-hunded dollar fine for careless driving.
The night ended after two hours of screaming, yelling, and panicking from my parents before
admitting that I needed some sort of professional help.

***
I dreamed about the crash all over again. It was a nightmare and I woke up shaking and felt like
puking all morning. I was clearly still in shock and was considering going to the hospital.
I kept replaying the crash in my head over and over. Every detail, every sense, sound, sight, was
crystal clear and as vivid as actually being there. I couldn't shake the reality of what happened. It
was the realization of my mortality; I was so closely removed from this world and I didn't know
what to do or how to feel about it.
After laying in bed for two hours, I went into the bathroom and looked in the mirror. I was pale
as a ghost. I laid down beside the toilet bowl for nearly an hour waiting for myself to puke but never
did.
My parents called the insurance company and needed to get a replacement vehicle, but the only
way they could acquire one was if admitted to taking the vehicle without permission. The insurance
company would replace the car to my parents and than go after me for the outstanding debt. I had a
$27,000 debt to pay off. A great way to finish school and start your life.
I had to see Courtney. She seemed to be the only good thing I had left in my life. I went to the
school and found her in the school library studying for exams. After telling her what I had
experienced, she was overwhelmed with concern. I pulled her out of the library for a moment so I
could tell her how I really felt about her.
After nearly dying the night before, I looked at it as a second chance at life. I made a promise to
myself; I told myself that I should be dead and the time I lived after my accident was my new life. I
promised that I would dramatically change my circumstances and that I would do everything Ive

held back from doing all my life. I had to forget being self-conscious, insecure, depressed; those
characteristics didn't apply to me any longer. I would grow stronger and accomplish more than I
ever set out to do.
It felt comforting to look at it like I cheated death and whatever I did now was a bonus in my life.
Everything I did was what I would have wished I had done after I was dead. It was what I would
have wanted to change if my life ended now.
Courtney and I sat beside each other on a bench in the hallway. I looked at her for a moment
thinking of my promise. "After the crash and the shock died down the first thing I thought of was
you. Im lucky to be alive and I just want you to know that I care about you and you are one of the
only good things left in my life now." I said to her in a very even voice. She blushed and wrapped
her arms around me very tightly. I had given her a long kiss and then left for the impound lot to look
at the remains of my parent's vehicle. The damage to the car was much more serious then I had
realized. My family collected the remaining belongings in the car and the vehicle was written off.
Out of the hell of my day there was moment of relief and hope. During the late evening Courtney
had texted me giving me an answer to my question, "Jordan, I want to go out with you. I want to be
your girlfriend.
I smiled for a moment, just for a moment.

Chapter 9
Redemption

Thoughts of the car crash still made me sick to my stomach but I had been keeping true to my
promise. Some major differences had been appearing in my life and I was starting to feel like the
person I was meant to be. It seemed that it was my insecurities holding me back from being the
person I needed to be. I thought that you should always pursue and seek fulfilment in your desires
no matter what they are or how complicated. Go for your goals because even if you fail, you can
look back and know you did what was right for you, no regrets.
Later in the week, I found a letter in the mail addressed to me. I opened it up it to find that it was
from ICBC, the only insurance company in British Columbia, demanding me to surrender my
drivers license to them for a six month suspension and then if I pleased, to apply for another
learners license from scratch.
I couldn't lose my license and start this driving bullshit from the beginning again. I felt inclined
to hold onto my driver's license so I signed the papers acknowledging the surrender of my license
and attached a note to it, Driver's license is lost, no longer in my possession.
I called Fordyce again, she almost didn't take my phone call. If I talk to you and you call to me
stupid and get mad at me for my own decisions again, I'll never answer another call from you
again, Fordyce explained firmly.
I'm sorry for that, Jordan. I can't tell you how bad I feel for that. You just really caught me off
guard and you know I've been having a lot of drama in my life. It got a lot worse, like life shattering
worse and I don't know, I just need to talk to someone and make amends with you. After being so
close to death, I know I wouldn't want to leave the world with bad terms between us.
Okay, explain to me what you're talking about.
I got into a car accident. A really bad one and I'm lucky to even be here. It is literally a fucking
miracle that I survived.
Holy shit, are you okay?
Physically, yes. Mentally, not so much. For a while, I was wishing I died in that crash because
my whole life has been speeding downhill since. But now I'm appreciative and thankful to be alive.
I need to ask you something, do you think I'm a bad person?
No, you're not a bad person. Why would you ask that?
After my crash, I told people, none of my friends seemed to have even care about what I went
through. They didn't blink and they carried on with their usual lives. My ex-girlfriend, Nicole, told
me she wished that I died in that crash and that it would've completed her.
Wow, well you don't need to listen to someone like her. If she could say something like that than
you don't need a degenerate like her in your life anyway.

I'm still hurt over what happened between her and I, but I'm ignoring that and only looking
ahead. This is my new life now and I'm living for everything I doubted in myself before.

***

I was offered an opportunity in Edmonton to start an electrical apprenticeship with my uncle's

company and I was leaving in less immediately. I didn't want to let go of the life I had, especially
now that I had found someone that fulfilled everything I needed. But I had to let my life move
forward and push to bigger things.
I picked Courtney up from school nearly every day because we had so little time left together
before I moved to Edmonton. I needed to break the news to her and took her for a walk down a path
running alongside the mountain into the forest above town. We walked for several minutes on the
solitary pathway, engaging in light conversation. It was really quite romantic.
I reached into my pocket to grab a sterling silver necklace I bought for her. She gasped as I
placed it around her neck. Then I gave her the envelope of which I enclosed a poem I had
handwritten.
"It's beautiful!" she exclaimed, "What's it all for?"
"I have to give you a proper goodbye."
"What? What do you mean goodbye?"
"I'm leaving Nelson. Going back to Edmonton to make something of myself."
"You can't...just make me fall in love with you and then leave! It's not fair!"
"If I stay here, I won't have a future. There is nothing here. This town is primitive and desolate."
"I'm here. I can be your future."
"It's not enough at this time. If you wait for me, I will come back for you. I promise."
I kissed her intensely before she could argue.
I wanted to stay but Courtney wasn't enough. It wasn't enough to be parading around in this
town, being caught up with a high school sweetheart, and fighting against those at odds with me. I
needed a fulfilling purpose, a career, excitement, and even a little bit of danger.
Nelson would never be enough for me.

III
A man has two primary drives in early adulthood: One toward power, success, and
accomplishment; the other toward love, companionship, and sex.
Neil Strauss, The Game

Chapter 1
Ultimate Pub Crawls

Three months later...

"Hold your arms up please." I held up my arms up and the bouncer gave me a quick pat down.
"Alright, you're good," the bouncer said letting me walk through. I walked into the nightclub; it
was my first time in one and I felt good.
It was one of the most high class clubs in the city. There were statues of Egyptian gods at every
corner of the room, fifty inch LCD screens lined the walls and their were exotic dancers on the
balconies. I took a seat at the bar counter and ordered a vodka tonic.
Hey Jordan! Rachel greeted cheerfully The female dancer I met at CSMT many years ago.
as she and her sexy blonde friend, Katy, came running up to me. I hadn't seen Rachel since CSMT.
It was nice to catch up with someone who was there with me in the beginning.
"You excited?" Rachel asked.
"Yeah, this place is intense," I replied over the music.
Good, Im going to be dancing in circles all around you all night! Now let me explain to you
how the pub crawl works. We have an hour at this club until we need to get onto the party bus. We
have to be on it at fifteen after, sharp! Then we go to Diamonds, then it's Union Hall and Lucky 13,"
exclaimed Rachel.
"Sounds good. Well lets get dancing. I want to see these circles!" I challenged Rachel.
Rachel took me to the dance floor and Katy followed.
"Jordan I haven't seen you dance in years. You have to show me all your new stuff!" said Rachel
with much enthusiasm.
"Show me some of your hip hop, Rachel, and then maybe Ill show you what Ive got!" I replied.
Rachel tried to do a little dancing but it was clear that she had been out of it for too long. She
encouraged me again to do my thing and I held up my end of the deal. I started dancing and flaring
up the most impressive moves I had to show.
Rachel was very impressed. Katy and Rachel sandwiched me. Katy, who already appeared
intoxicated began to grind her ass against my crotch.
I wasn't attracted to Rachel herself, but she sure did have jaw-dropping friends.
After the dancing, I decided to go back to the bar counter to buy myself another drink. Rachel
and Katy followed close behind me like sharks honing in on the scent of blood. Can you buy us

drinks, please? They asked in their cutest voices.

I bought a couple rounds of Jack Daniels for the three of us; we continued hitting shots and
making jokes. Rachel and Katy grabbed their third round from me and told me they were going
back to the dance floor to mingle with some other guys.
I was unimpressed being used for drinks so they could go hang out with other dudes; Katy
seemed to have sensed it. She wrapped her arms around my back and whispered into my ear. "Come
find me at the back of the bus when we leave," before shooting me a seductive glare.
At 10:15 sharp, Rachel, Katy, and myself went outside and blended into a group of people who
were waiting to get on the black party bus.
An immaculately groomed, tan skinned, well-dressed man began blowing on a whistle and told
everyone to quiet down as he stood in the doorway of the bus. "Okay, first off, my name is Jay and
thank you for partying with Ultimate Pub Crawls: the best pub crawl in the city! Now we're going
to be doing a lot of illegal shit on this bus and if we get caught it's our bus driver here that takes the
blame, so all I ask is a small, small tip for our bus driver during the night. I have only one rule: You
can pound on my bus, you just can't POUND on my bus! Now it's my friend, Rick's birthday so
were all going to sing him happy birthday. But instead of saying his name. We're going to say ' You
fucker!'
The bus load of people were very lively and drunk as we filled the bus. "Happy Birthday, you
fuckerrrr," we all began singing.
"Crank the music!" Jay yelled. The music was hit to a boom and the bus full of six dozen people
were dancing their drunken hearts out. People cracked open bottles of liquor, hit tokes, and snorting
cocaine off the seats.
The bus sped through the city and went downtown to where the true nightlife was at. I was
offered multiple beers and shots of spirits from random people, getting decently intoxicated.
Katy was at the back of the bus like she promised and I sat down beside her in front of the
stripper pole that stood in the center of the floor.
You're kind of cute, she breathed into my ear.
You're pretty forward, I like it, I complimented.
Katy jumped on the stripper pole and began dancing around it, I got up and she leaned back
rubbing herself against me. I made out with her until the bus turned around a corner and parked in
front of a liqour store.

Myself and Katy on the party bus.

Can you buy me some coolers? Katy slurred.

I'll see what I can do, I replied. I left the bus and entered the liqour store. I grabbed a six pack
of beer and a one litre bottle of cooler for Katy.
A cop car pulled up in front of the liqour store and I could hear Jay panicking, Fuck, fuck! Jay
was flipping shit and called the bus driver from the liquor store, "Get the fuck out of here! Cops are
just outside. Drive off for twenty minutes and then come back!"
The bus pulled out as a precaution to avoid attracting attention. The officers came inside the
liqour store and began checking identification. They knew something was up.
After paying, Katy, Rachel, and I stepped outside the liqour store. An East-Indian male who had
previously gotten high on the bus began freaking out. Call me a fucking ambulance now! You guys
drugged me! What the fuck is happening?
Calm down, calm down. It's just the weed, man, it's just the weed, his friends were trying to
explain.
No, the east Indian demanded, I need a doctor right now!
You don't need a doctor, you just need to relax!
Fuck you, guys. You're trying to kill me! the Indian screamed as he began climbing on top of
the police cruiser and sat cross legged on top of the vehicle.
"Get the fuck off of there, do you want to get arrested?"
Katy laughed, That kid is so fucked, I hope he gets arrested.

Moments later the cops walked out of the liquor store to discover what was going on.
"Officers, please help me. I need a doctor. They made me smoke weed on the bus!" the Indian
urged in panic.

The cops remained calm and didn't say a word until they reached the cruiser. "Come down," one
of the officers demanded. The kid moved closer to the edge of the car and the two officers ripped
him off, dropped him to the ground, and began twisting his arms around his back. The officer that
had him pinned continued yelling at him to stop resisting while getting violently rough with the kid.
The kid clearly wasn't resisting and these cops were abusing their power.
We decided it wasn't a good idea to stick around and started walking a couple blocks away. Jay
caught up to us. "Well at least the kid took the cops off our hands," Jay said with a smirk and got
back on the phone to tell the bus driver to come get us. After an enduring conversation on the
phone, Jay told us to wait where we were before he took off running down the street.
Where the hell is he going? I asked.
Who the fuck knows, Rachel replied. it's cold and I'm fucking freezing. Fuck Winter!
Hug me, Katy demanded. I walked up to her and held her.
Rachel's phone started ringing. I could hear Jay's voice on the other end, Get the fuck over to
159th street and 74th ave fast! This bus is leaving without you!

We need to go, Rachel shouted, I'm not getting left behind on another pub crawl.
Another? I asked as we began running down the street to the intersection Jay directed us to.
Yeah, Rachel panted, I got too drunk at the club last week and Jay fucking left without me.
That guy is an asshole, I laughed hysterically. I don't know why I found that so funny, probably
the booze.
We saw the bus driving away at the intersection ahead of us. The rear emergency door opened
and Jay was hanging off the handle screaming at us to run faster.
Go, go, go, hurry up, bitches! The bus was driving roughly thirty kilometres per hour and Katy
jumped onto the bus as it was increasing it's speed. Jay grabbed her hand to pull her in but she
slipped and I put both hands forward and shoved her ass back onto the bus. I jumped up a second
later as Jay pulled me in.
Holy fuck, we just jumped onto a moving bus! I worded in between breaths.
Rachel, lose some weight, Jay laughed, as she fell behind and the bus drove off without her.
Rachel flipped Jay off the distance.
Can't we go back for her? I asked, I feel horrible.
She's been cutting money off the top ever since she started working for me. She can find her
own way home, Jay said humorously.
The bus pulled into the parking lot of the strip club and a rush of people came off the bus with
their party spirits in full throttle.
Diamond's Gentlemen Club was more than I imagined. I entered the club and sat down in the
VIP section with Katy and Jay. Jay was entitled to free lap dances but he was too busy ensuring his
pub crawl clients were buying drinks. .
The pub crawl tickets included VIP access to all clubs and certain number of free shots at each
club. Dozens of tequila shots were lined up at our table and about four strippers came to ask me if I
wanted a dance.
"Hey cutie. Hows it going? You having a good time tonight?" asked the stripper.
"Im pretty good and I sure am," I replied to the stripper.
"Do you want to dance with me and my friend Joyce?" she asked as she put her arm around me.
Strippers are a waste of money, I thought to myself. "Im good at the moment," I told her. The
stripper nodded and went to go find other customers.
Katy ditched me and was all over a set of guys that were on our pub crawl bus. I watched Katy, I
learned how she worked. She was kissing a few of the guys after they bought her drinks, and then
she ditched them before moving onto another set of men. She was having her fun, wondering how
drunk she could get for free.
One of the guys Katy had just swindled a few rounds from noticed me observing himH he came
near my table and said, "Bitches, those girls are fucking hoes."
"Don't worry about it, I said in my thick drunken voice, girls like that are nothing more than
disposable pleasures meant to be passed around."

"Harsh man," he replied.

"They made that reputation for themselves," I assured him.
Jay started to blow on his whistle again and announced that it was time to go to the next club.
The bus blasted music all the way to Whyte Ave to Lucky 13. The bus parked across the street from
the club, so we had to travel through a crosswalk.
A couple attractive women were chatting a few feet in front of me. I decided to catch up and
approach the girls, but in that moment, a cab slammed on its brakes and couldn't stop in time. The
vehicle plowed into one of the young women knocking her over. She was overly intoxicated and
didn't realize what just happened to her.
"Oh my god, you're bleeding!" panicked her friend.
"I am?" the intoxicated girl responded in confusion. I looked down at her leg to see blood
running down it at an alarming rate. I stepped up and put her arm around my shoulder and explained
that I was going to help get her off the road. I carried her to the sidewalk and laid her down before
dialing '911' and waited until the paramedics arrived. The injured girl's friend thanked me for being
the only one who stepped up to help. She told me her name was Veronica, and gave me her phone
number.
When I made my way into Lucky 13, I squeezed onto the dance-floor. I danced with a few
random girls but couldn't really get anywhere with them because I couldn't hear my own voice over
the music, let alone theirs.
Katy fell into me out of nowhere and was about to fall face first onto the floor until I caught her
in my arms.
Katy, what the fuck? I shouted.
I'm so fucking drunk! she laughed as she turned around and began grinding against me. She
nearly fell over again and I brought her over to the entrance until she collapsed onto the floor
whining about how she didn't want to leave.
The bouncer sitting by the entrance came over and told me I had two minutes to get her out of
the building until they removed her themselves.
I got her to come outside where I hailed down a cab and jumped into the backseat with her.
What's your address, Katy?
No answer. She passed out cold.
Katy woke up barely coherent and began mumbling, You can't take me home. My dad will kill
me if you take me home like this. You don't know what he's like.
I told the cab driver to take us to my address instead. The driver dropped us off and Katy seemed
to have sobered up enough to walk straight.
Is this where you live? Katy asked.
Yes, but we're not going there, I said as I led her through a couple sub-divisions to my friend,
Paige's home. Most my friends and I referred to her house as the mini-mansion. It was a wide three
floor home, with three living rooms, two kitchens, four washrooms, ten bedrooms, a full basement
suite, a garage that could store a tank, and a pool in the backyard. I took Katy into the backyard of
the mini-mansion and unlocked the back door with a key code.

Whose house is this? Katy asked skeptically before stepping inside.

My friend, Paige's.
Does she even know you're here?
We know eachother well enough that she gave me the door code and tells me to just come in
whenever I want to see her. She's always awake around this time. Come on.
We went down to the basement suite where Paige and a handful of her friends were standing on a
coffee table dancing and drinking vodka while a couple others were huddled around her computer
looking at guys on Facebook.
Paige greeted me,Oh hi, Jordan! What's up?
Not much, just got back from a night out in the city. My new friend here, Katy, had a little too
much to drink and needs a place to crash for the night. Can she stay here?
Yeah, no problem. My friends are all sleeping over here anyway. Paige jumped off the table
and ran up to Katy and invited her to make herself at home while introducing her to everybody.
Paige welcomed Katy warmly.
I sat down on the couch, relaxing while Paige started dancing on the table again with her sister,
Jill. Katy started to feel better and got in on the action. I watched them move their bodies sexually
and I was starting to feel a little seduced.
Paige tossed me the bottle of vodka and I decided to get drunk again. I jumped on the coffee
table with the girls and began grinding against Katy once more. She was enjoying it and Paige
grabbed my ass. This is fucking heaven, I thought, grinning.
While grinding on Katy, I started contemplating if I should kiss her. I turned her around, leaned
in for the kiss, but the table had enough. A leg snapped and we all came tumbling off into a big dog
pile laughing our asses off.
Don't worry about it, Paige laughed, I have another one in storage.
I sat back down on the couch. Katy planted herself beside me and whispered in my ear, I don't
like your friend, she's too rich.
I looked at her discerningly. She's been extremely friendly to you, she's offering you a place to
sleep and you're judging her? You're unreal, I scoffed.
Katy turned her back to me and leaned the other way on the couch. She pulled out her phone and
began reading text messages.or at least pretended to.
I got up and went into a separate room to drink with Paige privately. You are an amazing friend,
Paige. You've been there for me time and time again.
Anytime, Jordan, she smiled, I like your new friend. She seems really cool.
I'm distancing myself from her for the moment.sshe said something that offended me.
Apparently, you're too rich for her to like.
People like to hate, she laughed and started to tease, what's the real story behind her? She's
really good looking, Jordan trying to get laid?
There was a knock on the door. I answered it to find Katy standing there with moist eyes like she
was about to break down crying. Can I talk to you? she asked. I took her upstairs and out into the

backyard.You didn't tell Paige what I said about her did you?
No, I lied.
Good. Everyone like hates me right now. All these guys I met tonight are calling me a bitch and
a player and shit.
"You did make out with three different guys tonight," I explained to her.
It's not my fault, I just wanted to have fun. I didn't promise those guys anything and they treat
me like dirt.
You're a bar star when you do that, it's only projecting the image that you want attention out of
them. Of course they're going to act coldly toward you.
Yeah, but I was having fun with you and you didn't mind.
I looked at her grimly.
Oh, she peeped.
Tears began rolling down her face. "Im sorry, Jordan."
I forgive you. You just need to make better choices," I told her.
"I won't party anymore. I always do stupid things when Im drunk," Katy said as she looked into
my eyes. She moved in to kiss me and I kissed her back.
I wasn't too convinced she meant what she said or if it was just the booze talking but we were
both too captured in the moment to let romance sit aside that night.

Chapter 2
The Game

I began indulging myself in new studies. I sought out an underground community of pick up
artists and learned the secrets of attraction with them. At first I was only working with the theories
these men presented to me, but after trying them out at bars and clubs, they became law.
I had been randomly browsing in my local book store and came across an intriguing book. 'The
Game: Penetrating The Secret Society of Pick Up Artists' by Neil Strauss From the moment I
gazed upon it's black vinyl exterior and looked upon it's gold and red interior, it spoke volumes of
content to me.
You found the best book in this entire store, a slimy character wearing a Chapters uniform
from behind me spoke. Slicked blonde hair down to his shoulders, he beckoned to the book with his
boney finger and a greasy grin, It works, my friend.
What exactly is the book about? I asked him.
Why, the art of seduction, my friend. It's a grand book and if you read this, you can have any
woman you want, I mean any woman!
"Sounds like a high expectation for reading a book." I flipped the book over and looked at the
price tag: $46.99. Holy shit, that's expensive for a book.
You must think of it as an investment, my friend. Sure, it's a little steep but the number of
experiences that you will gain after reading that book, no amount of money can buy.
I think I'll purchase it, I decided in curiosity.
Excellent! The creepy store clerk clapped his hands in excitement, I'll ring it up for you.
After charging me for the book, he introduced himself as Arnaldo and offered me his phone
number. When you have been enlightened, contact me and I will show you the way.
I input Arnaldo, 'the enlightened one's' digits into my phone thinking, this guy can't be for real,
and immediately discarded them as I pretended to save him as a contact.
Later in the night, I dove into the studies of pick up artistry and attraction to find myself
impressed and in awe. The men in this book knew no limits and collectively built attraction into a
science. Consequently, I had realized that a lot of the tactics I used to flirt with women in high
school where mentioned in this book, except in a much more professional and advanced form. I
learned what I had always done right, and what I had always done wrong with women.
I need to put this stuff to the test, I thought to myself, grabbing my jacket. I headed out to the
nearest nightclub.
As I entered the Union Hall, I spotted what looked like the most beautiful girl in the club. I

approached her and said, I need a female opinion on something. I asked a question that required
her own genuine perspective and she began to spill out rants left and right. It was difficult for me to
get a word in.
It was so fascinating; generally most friends and I asked women questions that only required a
'Yes' or a 'No' answer. So all we got were 'Yes's' and 'No's'. Then we would only bombard her with
the boring and standard interview-like questions: what do you do for work? How old are you? What
do you like to do?
This information was so obvious if you took the time to think about it, but no one stopped to
think about it. Men are intimated by women and freeze up because they're afraid of rejection. It's
that exact fear of rejection that causes us to become rejected more than anything else.
I continued talking to the attractive blonde and eventually lost her interest and as she started to
give me one worded answers to everything I said.
So if you were put in that situation, what would you do? I asked.
Yeah.
Yeah?
She turned her back to me and began talking to her friend. Her friend gave me a strange look and
broke eye contact. I awkwardly walked away and eventually went home and straight to the book
again. I got a small taste of what 'The Game' had to offer, and I was hooked.
I finished reading the book within a week and became determined to achieve the standards the
men in the book reached. They lived a luxurious lifestyle through what they learned. It was amazing
what a group of people with similar interests could achieve when coming together; they started
seminars and workshops charging as much as $1000 a person. They brought in thousands of people
because the knowledge these people had was so effective and underground. The modern player is
well under the radar, the book claimed, and it was true.
The Game mentioned these places called Lairs and they were popping up in every major city.
The Lair was where every pick up artist was welcome and went to share knowledge and to pool
ideas.
I located an online forum dedicated to pick up artists in Edmonton. I got to know the people
within these forums and it was through them that I discovered the Edmonton Lair. They held a
meeting once a month downtown and rented out a massive room in the city public library.
I was given a formal invitation into the Edmonton Lair after becoming known enough on the
forums. On a Sunday afternoon, I took the subway downtown and reached the libraries' fourth floor.
A bouncer-looking man stood in the doorway and asked me for the password. Yellow duck, I said
to him. He waved me in and I nearly stopped dead as I entered the room. Every loser you could
imagine in highschool was here. Their were people whose faces were covered in acne, people
wearing dress shirts tucked into their pants, people rocking feathered boas', and even a man with
down-syndrome.
I was considered a loser back in highschool, but I did not belong there. I turned around to leave
but someone had shouted Hey, are you JGardiner from the forums?
Yeah, that would be me, I said as I turned to look at a Korean wearing a vest and fedora.

Come sit over here, he said while patting his hand on the empty chair beside him.
What the hell, I thought to myself, I may as well make the most of this.
I'm Rich, he said as he leaned over and presented his hand.
A man whistled as he walked in front of the group. He was tall, athletic, and well-groomed;
finally, a guy takes looks like he could have any woman he wanted. Hello, my name is Ryan for all
the new faces here today. Unfortunately, we have to start with some bad news. There are rumors
going around the net that there is going to be a blockbuster movie made about us. Apparently a film
company in Hollywood has purchased the screen rights from 'The Game.' If a movie is made about
us, it will become mainstream and then our secrets are out in the open, our knowledge loses it's
value and it won't work because everyone will know about it. They'll ask us, 'Are you using those
lines from that movie?' and we're busted!
If this is in fact true, than we have to innovate our art, a man from the group shouted angrily.
We can't memorize the lines we read, we need to master the theories and make our own routines.
Alright, I spoke up, honestly, I just finished reading The Game and this is my first meeting,
but I like what this guy is saying, a movie could come and fuck everything up, but if you learn the
theory and not the scripted lines you say to a girl, than we can come up with our own material and
no movie can bring that into the spotlight.
After the meeting, many strange people approached me. I liked your comment about the movie,
I think you can be one of the leaders, one of them told me. Another came up and asked me to go
sarging with him. Sarging was the term used for go out and pick up women. Rich, the man that
asked me to sit down by him seemed like a smart guy however, we exchanged digits and decided to
hit the clubs next weekend.
That was my first and last Lair meeting.

Chapter 3
Cheerleaders

I went to many clubs with Rich and opened many women using the new openers I learned. I
found myself talking to the types of girls I had been rejected by and too scared to talk to in
highschool. These girls were interested in talking to me and were flirting uncontrollably.
I even managed to get this one girl named Ashley begging me to take her home. I was hesitant
and didn't her find her as attractive as most of the other girls I wanted to take home, but I settled.
Ashley was brunette, had blue eyes, a nice dark tan, and was a cheerleader, but had a disgusting
overbite and bad breath. I took her to my car after the club closed and after getting there she asked
me not to start the car. She opened the door and I heard a nasty splatter of alcohol and stomach acid
hit the pavement.
Are you okay? I asked.
Yeah, I'm fine, she said just before I heard a another splatter. I felt sick to my stomach.
Okay, I'm good, she said as she leaned back in and shut the door to my car, we going to your
place?
I'm feeling a little bit tired, I think I'm going to hit the sheets soon. Where do you live, I'll take
you home.
Oh same, I'm tired too, she told me her address and said, I'm going to go to bed too.
Fuck off, I thought to myself, this damn girl has been mimicking me all night. Tells me she
doesn't like Nine Inch Nails, then I say I do, then she says, Oh, I like them too. Her voice was
dripping with desparation.
After I took her home, I began thinking deeply for the whole drive back. This was a huge lesson
in higher value to me. I met Ashley, used my techniques and made her interested. She was showing
every sign of attraction for me, but I wasn't attracted to her. I was running material, putting on an
act to gain the attention of her and her group of friends. When I ran out of material, the act was
over. I left the group and Ashley followed, I let her kiss me but she then she wouldn't stop taking
them. I pulled away, I withdrew any interest I had in her and Ashley wasn't stupid, she recognized
that I pulled away and tried to gain my interest back. But the more she tried, the more I wanted to
pull away and the more I pulled away, the more she tried.
I had higher value than her, that's why she grew attached to me so fast. It was the same for me
and one-hundred other scenarios. I was a loser in high school, was attracted to the most popular girl
and she was okay with me at first, but then I told her that I liked her. She distanced herself from me.
I thought that by trying harder, I could make her come to like me, but no, the harder you try, the
more you lower your value to that person and the more you push them away. It was common; it
happened millions of times a day to millions of different people. The amount of interest someone
has in you is equal to the amount of value you have to them and vice versa. After realizing this, for

many following nights I'd been testing people, playing with the idea of values, it was like learning
about psychology and how to manipulate the outcomes of certain scenarios.
It became my new major goal: to master the art of socialism. I wasn't as interested in pick up as
was for socialism as a whole. Instead of letting things come to me by chance and hoping for some
cute girl to approach me or to find a way to make a friend forgive me over something, I would seek
these scenarios out and knew exactly what triggers to pull to gain what I sought after.
I would attain the outcomes and opportunities I wanted, I wasn't going to wait anymore. I wanted
to live the life I envisioned for myself and I found the tools to attain it. There was no slowing down.
It wasn't just a way to meet women, it was a lifestyle, conquering your fear of women was
mastering socialism. The skills you learn to talk to women, the demonstrations of higher value and
the way you sell yourself and present yourself could also be used for job interviews, meeting a new
group of friends, and making sales pitches. Every aspect of life benefited.
***
I went back to browsing for women online and messaged them with the engineered cut and paste
routines.
Within a month my phone was littered with hundreds of phone numbers for attractive women
wanting to meet up. It was difficult to use these numbers because out of the masses, it was hard to
remember which girl was who.
I was caught calling girls by names that weren't their own and repeating routines I'd already
recited to me them numerous times before. I just couldn't keep track anymore. This was a problem
and I had took on more women than I could handle. Many became disposable to me. I'd meet many
fantastic women in one day, but my favorite was the one I could pay the best attention to, making
the rest discarded.
The problem of value came back to me. I discarded all the women I met for my single favorite
girl, so I lost all the women but one. I usually tried too hard or gave too much of myself away for
the favorite that I lost my value to her and by the end of the day I left myself with nothing.
My Game needed to be tweaked. My logistics were off.

***

Ashley, my first true seduction using pick up artist material, continued messaging me to hang
out. She was good looking aside from the overbite.
I took an interest in her with the intention of friendship, but she became increasingly infatuated
with me, wanting to spend every moment with me. She was letting out pure need and it was
brutally unattractive.

Ashley called me and she wanted me to come watch her at the annual cheerleading provincials at
West Edmonton Mall. I obliged and arrived at the indoor arena that was surrounded by masses of
people. I shuffled through the crowd until I got a good view. My jaw dropped open, I had never
seen cheerleaders in my life before. I began checking out girls at every left, right, and center.
Cheerleaders were spinning, jumping, and doing flips. I was watching girls in red shirts and
white skirts doing flips off eachother and throwing dance moves around with immense energy. I
spotted a team wearing black shirts, black skirts, and white bows at the top of their head waiting for
their turn to perform. The white bows looked a lot like bunny ears which I got a lot of amusement
from. It reminded me of a time in my dance class in high school: all the girls were doing fancy
ballet hops around me, I couldn't imagine them as anything but cute bunny rabbits hopping around
me, their bunny rabbit king.
The black bunny rabbits eventually moved onto the center of the floor and started doing their
dance and cheering. Two caught my attention the most: a brunette that looked a lot like Jordan
Fordyce and a vivid blonde with perfect lips, perfect eyes, plucked eye brows, and a perfect
complexion; I was drawn in by her beauty.
At that moment, I had the craziest idea: it wouldnt be too bad to join cheerleading. I was a good
athlete and I could dance with, toss, and cheer with a bunch of girls in mini-skirts. How bad could
that be?
The black bunny rabbits finished their routine and the music stopped. The team dispersed and
separated into the masses. The vivid blonde happened to walk into my proximity, I spun around and
walked over to open conversation before a couple of guys ran up and began hugging her. They lifted
her up into the air shouting, You were great!
I withdrew the approach. I'll get one of these cheerleaders, I thought to myself.
Hey Jordan! I heard Ashley's voice from behind me say.
Crap, I muttered under my breath and turned around, Hey, how's it going?
Did you see me?
Yeah, you were amazing! I lied. I arrived late and missed her performance.
She grabbed onto my hand and pulled me through the mall, You're coming to see 'Watchmen'
with me. I tried to refuse but she insisted and had already bought me a ticket in advance. I really
hoped she didn't think it was a date.
Things were progressing a little further with her than I had anticipated. I had to paint the picture
clearer for her; I only wanted friendship,but I didn't want to break her sweet, little, joyful heart.
We got into the cinema, I was really bored of the movie, and I could see Ashley turning to look at
me multiple times throughout the film. I continued looking at the screen pretending to be oblivious
to it. She eventually placed her hand over mine. I just about cried inside. I looked at her; her eyes
were so beady and full of desperation. She leaned forward very slowly, my stomach churned. I let
her kiss me out of pity. Her saliva was pasty and I could feel myself about to gag. I jumped up and
ran out of the movie theater as fast as I could.
I completely ditched Ashley and started walking around the mall feeling sick and really bad for
her. My phone dinged, Where did you go? she asked. I didn't have it in me to reply.

I sat down in the food court chowing down at Taco Bell until Katy called me, "Jordan, you got to
come party with me and my girl tonight! We miss you. Where are you?" I told them where I was
and Katy continued, "Okay, were coming right now. Don't go anywhere!"
When Katy caught up with me, she introduced me to her friend, Veronica. I strangely recognized
Veronica but couldn't figure it out, then it hit me. She was the girl that gave me her phone number
for helping her friend to the sidewalk after being hit by a taxi. Small world.
Katy explained that she got me a pub crawl ticket and that I was going on it with her whether I
liked it or not. Katy said it with a smile so bright that it was impossible to deny her demand.
"Free pub crawl, how can I turn that down?" I replied, returning the same bright smile. It would
be my second time on an Ultimate Pub Crawl.
We arrived at The Empire. It was "Red Carpet Saturday" when the high-class dress code was in
affect. Luckily, I was dressed nicely and so were the girls. We walked in and got the regular pat
down.
On the pub crawl bus, Jay was laying down his rules as he did every weekend. "Alright
everyone, we're about to do a lot of illegal shit, and I have a couple rules." Every pub crawl it came
down to Jay having only one rule that mattered: no one pounded on his bus. "You can pound on the
bus, but you can't POUND on the bus."
I met some new people on the pub crawl. Shane, who was a pure alpha male, introduced himself
to me before throwing an attractive brunette on top of me. She was drunk out of her mind,Who are
you? Why the fuck am I here? Where's Shane? she asked before she got up and went looking for
him toward the front of the bus.
I looked at Shane at the front of the bus and he was making out with another brunette. I decided
to cut him a break in hope of making a friend. Hey! I shouted at the attractive brunette that was
just on top me, Shane's back here! I exclaimed. I saw Shane make eye-contact with me before
giving me a nod and devilish grin.
He is? the brunette asked dumbfounded, but I don't see him.
Holy fuck, I laughed thinking, this girl is so fucking loaded. I managed to talk her into sitting
back down beside me.
I don't see him, she continued to whine.
He'll be right back, I promised.
Shane returned and opened his arms to embrace her, There you are!
It seemed Shane had found someone else to take the brunette off his hands while he came back
and sat down beside me on the bus.
Thanks for covering for me, you're a good guy, he said to me as he raised his fist waiting for
me to bump it. I learned that Shane was a cheerleading coach, he was there celebrating with a group
of girls that did really well during the provincials. I told him I was at the cheerleading provincials
earlier and was stunned by some of the girls I'd seen; I asked him if could introduce me to some of
them.
Shane assured me he would get me acquainted with some of the hottest cheerleaders he knew.
Shane was admirable, he had the natural social skills that most people had to practice to get.

We arrived at Eden, this strip club was much more fancy then Diamonds; the women were better
looking, more flexible, and the atmosphere breathed class. There were a dozen strippers lined up on
stage and a guy sitting on his hands on a chair. They were choosing random people out of the crowd
to come up onto the stage. The lucky random got to pick what stripper he wanted to dance for him
and she would give him a little taste of what happened in the back rooms.
Shane sat beside me and told me about how he knew one of the strippers lined up on stage. He
was shocked that she became a stripper, "No way, I can't believe that. I went to high school with
that girl and she was like a straight A student, he said pointing to her.
I wasn't paying much attention to the strippers because a girl across the room caught my eye, it
was the vivid blonde cheerleader I nearly approached earlier. She looked even better out of her
cheerleading uniform because she was wearing a slim black dress that dropped less then half way
down her tanned legs and exposed most of her back. She was by herself drinking a vodka cooler. It
was the perfect open.
"I'll catch you at the next club, Shane." I told him and walked across the room. I reached the
blonde's table and sat down in front of her. "You look bored!" I exclaimed.
"Yeah, my friend didn't show up yet. Do you want keep me company?" she asked.
That was way too easy.
"Sure, I replied, you'll never believe what happened to me today. I caught a cab downtown
earlier, when we were on the highway, the cab broke down right in the middle of the road.
Afterword, the driver asks me to get out and help him push his car out of the traffic."
Oh my god, did you help him? she laughed.
"Well yes, I thought that if I helped him out. The fare would be void. He still asked me to pay. I
didn't pay him."
The cab story is fictional.
I started running all kinds of routines and techniques on her and she was becoming increasingly
interested. She eventually offered to buy me a drink.
You're never too drunk on a pub crawl, I told her, accepting the drink graciously.
"Whats your name?" she asked me.
An indicator of interest, perfect.
"Im Jordan, and yours?"
Im Briana. Can I take a picture with you, you're really cute."
I smiled then leaned over to her as she took the picture. Most girls of her league required perfect
game to have them, but every once in a while you came across a diamond in the rough.

Briana and myself

The camera flashed and then I heard Shane speak from behind us, "Looks like you didn't need
me to introduce you to any cheerleaders after all," Shane laughed as he kissed Briana on the cheek.
"You two know eachother?" I asked.
"Yes, Briana spoke, he used to coach me!"
Anyway, I just came to say Hello. Have fun, you two, Shane said, winking at me.
Briana wanted to go out to roll herself a joint. When we got outside, and walked into the alley
around the corner, she complained that she was cold. "Do you want to keep me warm?" she asked. I
put my arms around her waist and she started giggling, "You're kinda pulling my dress up, but you
probably did that on purpose." she said with a big smile. I simply laughed and apologized before
pulling her dress back down her legs for her.
The pub crawl bus pulled up, Briana finished her joint, and Jay came out of the club with his
whistle getting everyone back onto the bus for the next club. We should get back on the bus, but
first I need to know ten things from you. I told her.
Ten things? she asked, perplexed.
Digits, I said while pulling my phone out.
She told me her phone number and we jumped on the bus.
At the end of the night I took a cab back to Twin Brooks and wasn't quite tired yet, so I went for
a walk over to the small body of water in the middle of the sub-division. I stepped out onto the
small wooden pier that sat at the edge of the water. The stars were out and there was a cool breeze
making ripples across the water. The grass swayed softly and the lights of million dollar homes
were cast out onto the reflection of the pond. It was a beautiful night and it had been a long time
since I had a peaceful moment like that.

I began thinking about my car accident in British Columbia. After my car crash, I promised
myself to make dramatic changes to my circumstances and I hadn't. I may have moved to a different
city, I may have found a good job, I may have been meeting great people and surrounding myself
with beautiful women, but I wasn't anywhere significant in my life. I wasn't any closer to where I
hoped to be. When I made that promise to myself, I meant relentlessly fighting to fulfil my dreams
and make a significant mark to a vast number of people. I needed to step my game up, and in the
coming month, I certainly did.

Chapter 4
So I think I Can Dance

I was in a daze, the irritating buzzing of my alarm clock grew louder and louder as I came back
to the world. I jumped out of bed and got ready for my big day. I spent about forty-five minutes
after my shower pacing around my room, thoroughly thinking everything out from my routine to
what I would say in interviews.
I heard my taxi honk outside and departed to the downtown core.
Day was just beginning to break when I arrived at the Winspear Center to find a large line up of
dancers waiting to perform. When I got into the line up, I was greeted by news reporters and
journalists. They asked basic questions about myself and how I felt about trying out.
Another set of reporters urged me to come to a concrete sign that read 'The Winspear Center' and
asked me and two female dancers to climb on top of it. The reporters wanted us to perform a move
for the camera. I did a spin and the female dancers striked ballet poses.
Leah Miller, a previous VJ for Much Music and now host of So You Think You Can Dance
Canada came over to collect me and dozens of other dancers. "Now on the count of three I want all
of you to shout 'So You Think You Can Dance Canada' for the camera and then cheer as loud as you
can!" she instructed. We shouted the words and cheered as loud as we could.
I used to watch her on Much Music and had a small crush on her when I was in my early teens.
She wasn't nearly as attractive as shown on television, her skin looked too shiny like it was plastic.
A truck pulled up near the street and Ashley jumped out. She spotted me and came over. Oh my
god, Jordan, I can't believe you're actually doing this. I'm so proud of you."
Ashley found out that I was trying out for the TV show from my Facebook statuses and created a
group dedicated to my efforts. I decided to keep Ashley around after kissing me at the movie
theater. Her infatuation for me made her dependable.
A couple guys wearing SYTYCD t-shirts came down the line checking everyones ID to ensure
everyone was of age to audition.
"May we see your identification please?" they asked as they got to me. I pulled out my birth
certificate and B.C drivers license. They looked at my identification before looking back to me,
"Im sorry, sir. You're too young to audition."
"What do you mean I'm too young to audition? I stammered. The majority age to try out in
Alberta is eighteen." I stated.
"Yes, but since you're a resident of B.C, we can't let you audition unless you're nineteen.
Eighteen is the legal age to try out in Alberta because it is the age majority, but B.C's age majority
is nineteen, so we cannot let you audition even if you're in Alberta.
There was no way I going to be turned down after all of that. "Look" I said, "I just moved here

from British Columbia and haven't changed over my drivers license yet. I'm a resident of Alberta,
you have to let me through.
"Im sorry. I normally don't like to turn down a person, but I can't let you in unless you get some
proof that you live in Alberta.
I walked away from the building and across the street with Ashley. I was furious. Great! I said
aloud, I have to find wherever the hell the government building is, try to prove to the government
that I live in Alberta without proof and get some new identification, all in the next two hours before
the doors to the audition close. I'm fucked!
I was in a frenzy with a dozen things running through my mind. I was looking for a loop hole in
anything. I sent my brain into an overclock and was processing every and any option. How can I get
the outcome I want? What do I need to do? What actions do I need to take?
Jordan, what's wrong? Ashley asked.
They won't let me audition!" I yelled, You were standing right beside me, you heard them,
don't ask stupid questions and let me think.
Ashley took a step back and got really quiet.
Fuck, fuck, fuck,! I muttered to myself multiple times and began pacing.
"Awe, Jordan, Im so sorry. I know how much you wanted to do this. I guess we can just spend
the day together," she said in a pitiful voice.
I looked her in the eyes and replied, "Who says Im giving up? Im going to audition. Trust me!"
"Jordan, there isn't really anything we can do."
I was disappointed that she was telling me to throw in the towel. She was one of the few people
who supported me from the beginning and came to town just to cheer me on.
"Come with me, I have an idea!" I said to her while grabbing her hand.
"Where are we going?" she asked.
"I dont know, I have a feeling that I should go this way," I told her.
Ashley was confused and didn't know what I was doing. I didn't know what I was doing either
but I was following my intuition.
After walking several blocks, I found what I was looking for: The Canada Place, main
government building in Edmonton. They would be able to tell me what I needed to do to get my
Alberta residency.
I walked into the towering skyscraper and I had no idea where to go. There was a big opening in
the center of the structure with fountains and an information desk. I walked to the information desk
and talked to the African-American security guard sitting behind it.
"Excuse me, where do I go to get identification done?"
We actually don't do that here.
Do you have any idea where? I have an incredibly time-sensitive situation on my hands and
need to figure this out asap! I'm trying out for So You Think You Can Dance Canada and if I can't
get photo identification done, I can't try out.

So You Think You Can Dance, really? My wife loves that show. Alright, let me make some
phone calls and I'll see if I can find an answer to your question. Come back in ten minutes.
Even the man at the security desk didn't have an idea. I sat down by the fountain with Ashley
knowing that I had no more leads. I knew other government structures that could get my
identification done, but they were out of the downtown core. If I left downtown, I could forfeit any
hope of making it back to the audition in time.
Less then an hour and a half remained before the audition doors closed. I had to figure something
out immediately, but I was afraid I had come to a quick dead end and the security guard would be
unable to help me.
I don't know why, but I felt like I had to try out. I never believed in destiny or fate but I felt like
trying out that day was what I was meant to do. I couldn't feel at peace with myself if I didn't enter
The Winspear Center and at least give it my best shot. I needed to at least earn the experience.
I had such a determined and driven mind, I wanted to do so many amazing things with my life.
This was the ultimate chance to put my talent to the test. I couldn't be denied to even try.
"I have to do this, Im meant for better things then just looking for ways, I need to actually do
them, I said to Ashley, feeling hopeless.
Ashley didn't say a word, she just hugged me.
Ten minutes passed and I went back to the desk. "I found an answer to your question," the
security guard told me. "Theres a building about eight blocks from here and they do registry;
everything from marriages to licenses, everything!" He pointed me in the direction of the place and
I thanked him gratefully. Hey, what's your name?
Jordan, I replied.
I hope you make it, Jordan, he encouraged.
About eight blocks west, I found the place. I was running out of time far too fast and I had only
one hour before So You Think You Can Dance closed their doors to any more participants.
The registry office was inside one of the largest malls in the city and I had never been inside it. It
was four floors high and spanned across nine city blocks. The place was a maze and I had to find a
single office among it, and fast. I was losing more hope by the minute as I ran through the mall
aimlessly until I came to the mall directory.
The directory was massive and the registry centre was several blocks from my location. After
going back and forth between many escalators and floors, I reached the registry office.
I ran to the front desk of the registry office."Hi, is it possible to get any kind of photo
identification within the next hour?" I breathed heavily from running through the structure with
Ashley.
The women at the desk told me it was, but I had to have proof that I lived in Alberta. She listed
that proof included pay stubs from an employer, utility bills, or identification that already concluded
that I was from Alberta.
I sat in the lobby trying to think things through. Ashley once again thought it was another dead
end and tried to prevent me from getting my hopes up. "Ashley, do you remember that time I told
you every now and then I seem to pull off the impossible? I asked.

"Yes?" she replied, like she was asking if that were the right answer.
"Well this is going to be one of those times."
I got up and returned to the front desk, "Would a letter from my employer be enough proof?" I
asked.
The woman at the desk replied, Yes.
May I get it faxed here, right now?"
Yes.
"Okay, thank you."
I walked back into the lobby and got on the phone with my uncle, who was I was luckily enough
to have as my employer. I explained the situation and told him I would not be able to audition
without him faxing a letter to the office. He explained that he would do so.
He sent the letter and I unwillingly turned in my B.C drivers to get it switched for an Alberta
residency card. I was unsure of what would happen if I showed them a suspended driver's license
from British Columbia.
The woman told me nothing came up on the system about my license being suspended and that
their was only an outstanding debt. She was going to give me an Alberta driver's license instead of
a residential ID.
I did a couple tests, they took a new picture of me, and gave me a temporary piece of paper that
was to substitute my license before it came in the mail.
I dropped back onto the seat in the lobby, No, I said hopelessly.
What's wrong? You got it, Jordan. Lets go! Go audition! Ashley urged frantically.
I just realized that I lost the only piece of photo identification I had. One piece had to be photo
ID for the audition, and the woman at the registry had just cut it to pieces with a pair of scissors.
I have to get to the same people that identified me earlier. They seen my photo identifcation and
have to let me through if I show them my new identity document, they just have to.
Ashley and I were doubtful, but after the pushing journey we experienced, we needed to continue
to try.
Ashley and I ran out the building with the temporary license and only ten minutes before the
deadline.
I ran all the way to the Winspear Centre and got there just in time.
"Hey, you made it!" the man that checked my ID earlier stated in disbelief. I showed him my
temporary license and birth certificate,You lost your photo ID didn't you?
Yeah, I did. I was hoping you'd still be here because you're the only one who got to see it before
it was destroyed.
Okay, you're in. I'm not allowed to do this without your proof on you so get in there quick!
Thank you so much, I extended my arm to shake his hand.
No time for that, get in there! he urged.

I ran into the building without a word more, but Ashley had to wait outside. Only contestants
were able to enter the event. A few security guards gave me a pat down, and then gave me the all
clear. I was the last person to get in and they locked the doors as soon I took the first step inside. A
second later and I would've missed the deadline.
Not only was I able to get into So You Think You Can Dance, but I also cheated the motor
vehicle system and was under a new motor vehicle jurisdiction.
I had determination and pride knowng I demanded my way into So You Think You Can Dance. It
took hell to abide by their regulations, but I acheived a task that was seemingly impossible.

Chapter 5
Judges Are Assholes

Hundreds of dancers were warming up in the main auditorium. I moved into the center warming
up with some stretches and began to go over my routine a few more times.
Performers were being interviewed by local news, radio stations and journalists. I wanted to be
the one getting the interviews, the one landing air time on television, and the one getting into
newspapers.
I began doing my back and front flips knowing it would catch the attention of the media.
Journalists and photographers came running over to get my story. They asked me to do a couple
poses for them and bombarded me with questions. "What's your name? How long have you been
dancing? Where are you from? "How old are you? Where did you learn your style of dance?"
As I was answering questions I kept glancing at an attractive dirty blonde that was being
interviewed by The Bounce, a local radio station. She gave an occasional glance over to me and I
appeared to have caught her attention as well. After I wrapped up my interview, I walked away from
the press and sat down on a set of stairs to observe the dirty blonde. She really held herself on
camera. She sounded like she was reporter herself, because she was.
After her interview she came into my proximity doing stretches.
"The journalists seem to really like you, I said to her.
"Seems so," she replied making eye-contact.
"It looked like you've done that before," I pushed pursuing conversation.
"Yeah, I'm used to it. I work at Global News so I hope I'm good on camera, she smiled.
She was very confident, beautiful, outgoing, and had this way about her. The more I engaged, the
more I became fascinated by her.
I asked for her name, it was Diane.
We got very taken away by eachothers stories and experiences. I shared with her my promise to
make the most of myself after my horrific car incident, and the way I fell in love with dance.
Diane told me how she yearned for exposure. She wanted audiences to see her and she felt good
about being shown on TV or having her voice heard on the radio. I sensed a slight edge of pride in
her voice.
I desired the same things, I don't know if it was for the same reasons but I knew that the stage
was my home. I was radiating with creativity, ideas, and art that I wanted to share with the world.
Leah Miller came out of a hallway and announced that it was time for the auditions and
instructed all the dancers to follow her. We were guided down multiple hallways. I was expecting to
be taken into the massive auditorium that was usually seen on TV, but instead we were taken into a

tennis court sized room lined with foldable chairs.

There was no stage, no panel of three celebrity judges, but a panel of ten empty seats. It wasn't
like the TV show at all. I was starting to wonder just how much of So You Think You Can Dance
happened off camera.
After several minutes, nine judges I never recognized came into the room and filled the panel.
All but one seat remained empty. The judges instructed us to take our seats.
Diane sat beside me and when I took a 360 look around myself, I realized that I was surrounded
by some of the most beautiful women I'd ever known. To my opposite of Diane was an extremely
tall brunette girl wearing a black leotard that exposed her unbelievably long and sexy legs. Her
beauty and height was intimidating. She was so far out of any league that I ever attempted to speak
to, and I generally went for the best.
The judges began introducing themselves and talked about what they were known for. A women
in her sixties said she was known for inventing the famous cougar crawl.
In the middle of the judge introductions, a man walked out onto the middle of the dance floor, his
name was Blake McGrath. I recognized him because he was the winner of the first season of
SYTYCD.
Blake, good to see you made it, a women from the judge panel said with a slight mock. Why
don't you give our contestants a demonstration.
Blake let out a definite, No, and took his seat among the judges.
It took me several moments to work up the courage to talk to the intimidatingly beautiful
brunette beside me. I shyly looked over to her and wished her good luck.
Oh, thank you. Good luck to you too! she said, glowing with personality.
I went quiet after that, I wasnt sure how to engage in conversation with her and lamely said
good luck in hope to start one. I started kicking myself for my inability to produce dialogue to the
beautiful girl.
The judges began going over the instructions of the competition. The instructions were simple,
their were three rounds: a freestyle round, they play you a random track and you have to freestyle
to it the best you can. They auditioned ten dancers at a time and you had thirty seconds to get on
and off the dance floor to let the next person through. Afterword the ten dancers line up, if you
caught the interest of the judges, they'll call your number and you move onto round 2. If you didn't
catch the interest of the judges, then you went out the big door at the back of the room that said
"NO." which led into the back alley. (Wonderful treatment)
Round 2 is the choreography round: famous dancers show the winners of round 1 their
choreography and they try their best to keep up. If you can't keep up or follow the choreography
then you're sent out the NO. door.
Round 3: make it past the first two rounds then you get the audition that's televised in front of the
three celebrity judges.
So it began; ten dancers were called to the floor at a time.
I must've watched about about fifty dancers while observing the judges. I paid most my attention
to Blake McGrath. My first impression of him was that he was an asshole, the way he danced on

television, the way he talked, and the way he acted was cocky and alpha male. Right then, his hand
propped up the side of his face and his eyes were barely half open. His body language implied that
he was bored and didn't even want to be there.
Look at Blake, he looks like he doesnt even want to be here, I said to the intimidating
brunette.
Oh yeah, I know, hes such a dick. My friend took a class with him in Toronto and he acts like
such a know it all. Like who cares if he won a season of So You Think You Can Dance, there are so
many dancers just as good as him, the brunette replied.
I agreed with every word she said. Suddenly, she wasn't so intimidating, I became comfortable
beside her and started talking to her like she was a normal person.
Im Jordan, by the way, I said, reaching my hand over to hers and shook it.
Im Corynne, she replied.
Nice to meet you. How long have you been dancing, Corynne?
Ive been taking ballet and different kinds of contemporary for eight years. I learned most of
what I know from a dancing academy in England.
England; wow! And eight years; that's dedication! I exclaimed.
Thank you, how long have you been dancing for?
Ive been teaching myself breakdancing off YouTube for about three years.
I told Corynne the story of how I just barely made it into the building because of the
identification incident.
Holy, youre dedicated! Corynne complimented, I probably wouldve just walked away and
waited to try next year, but awesome, you have true determination.
I never would've imagined that Corynne would succeed in the show for the coming months,
making it to the top twelve before being voted off.

Watch Corynne's televised audition here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g4247N_Ketg

I introduced Corynne to Diane, and three of us became friends.

There were some amazing dancers that I didn't think I would be able to compete with but I
noticed a pattern in how the judges were choosing people. They were choosing people that showed
the most personality and energy; dancers that stuck out and looked different from the rest got
through, including the bad dancers.
I was putting it together in my mind, this is televised, they're choosing the people that will seem
the most interesting on TV. If you're a profound dancer, you're in. If you're a horrible dancer, you're
in. If you're amongst the average set of skilled dancers that were neither bad nor extraordinary,
you're out.
From the dancers I'd watched, I thought to rate myself among average, so I was really going to
have to throw everything I had into my thirty seconds.

It was just about my time before I was called with the next ten.
Just in case I don't make it, I'll wait for you outside, Diane told me.
I nodded, Good luck, Diane. I better see you in round two.
Corynne let out an awe for me while Diane showed me her crossed fingers as I got up to
perform. A massive rush of anxiety hit me, my heart rate had risen, my palms got sweaty, and my
stomach was being eaten up by butterflies. Scratch that, my stomach was filled with vicious
teradactyles.
I was up with a handful of African American hip hop dancers. As we walked out onto the floor,
one of the guys moaned, "Awe man, my stomach."
I laughed and asked, "What, got butterflies?"
He turned to look at me and said, "What, you mean that stuff girls get, just kidding, yeah I do.
Please let us have a good song, please let us have a good song, he started repeating to himself. One
of the judges cued the music and we got a song by Kanye West and the black guy whispered a loud
"Yes," to himself.
He jumped in throwing hip hops moves together, then got down and did some breakdancing. His
thirty seconds ended and one of the judges said, Next. I ran into the middle of the dance floor and
pulled a stylish back flip, I threw every hip hop move I had with as much energy as I could unleash.
I did some spins building my momentum up and then swung into a front flip onto my back; from
there I swung my legs into a windmill and pushed my body off the ground into a hand stall. I never
meshed my moves together so fluidly. I was definitely improving with all my late nights of
practice. I was cued to stop and let the next performer in.
The remaining dancers stepped into the center, put in their freestyle, and then lined up. I was
smiling with this huge grin that shouted pick me. Myself and three other dancers in my set were
called to the next round. I let out a breath of relief and kept my fingers crossed for Diane and
Corynne behind me.
A SYTYCD staff member guided us up a staircase into the massive auditorium like the one on
television. There were dancers following choreography, they gave dancers about twenty minutes to
catch onto it, if they didn't, they plucked them out and sent them out of the building.
Alright, a choreographer said to the staff member, Im ready for the next batch.
We began following his moves but the routine was difficult and complicated. Twenty minutes
passed and I still didn't have it down as well as the others. I was sent down a set of stairs and out a
door that went out the side of the building. I wondered why they didn't just let everyone out of the
front entrance. When I walked around to the front of the building, I understood why; camera crews,
journalists, and radio stations were all on the hunt to find some information on the outcome of
events inside.
SYTYCD didn't want any spoilers before they aired the show. While entering the building I had
to sign a contract and non-disclosure agreement saying that I wouldn't talk to the press after
auditioning.
I spotted Ashley sitting on a bench looking lonely, You're still here? I asked surprised, How
long have you been out here?

Like three or four hours, how did you do?! she squealed.
I didn't make it, got to round two and then got kicked out.
Awe, I'm so sorry, Jordan. Are you okay?
Fuck, I'm great! I had so much fun, I met some amazing people, and I got to put my ability to
the test. That was all I wanted.
Diane and a few girls I recognized from inside the building were in a group talking to eachother.
Diane, how did you do? I asked as I approached her with Ashley.
I got sent out the No. door, she pouted, but what happened with you? What was upstairs?"
That's too bad, I wanted to see you in action. Round 2 was as far as I went, that choreography
was tricky.
Diane introduced me to a girl she had just met but didn't make it past the first round.
"Hi, Im Bianca," she said.
I noticed she was carrying around a bunch of luggage and I asked her about it. She told me she
flew in from Winnipeg that morning to audition, she didn't have enough money for a return flight,
and had no hotel room booked. She was basically stranded and didn't seem to care. She was a true
free-spirit.
I suggested the idea that we all go for a drink to celebrate the experience and the union of the
talented, artistic, and ambitious individuals of eachother.
Hey, shouted the African-American I met inside the building as he came from around the
corner. You made it to round 2, you lucky bastard. Good job, man.
I learned that his name was Mike, he was humorous, friendly, and I invited him to join Diane,
Ashley, Bianca, and I for that drink.
Just before we were about to leave, another reporter floating around the building came over to us
and interviewed us as a group.
She asked if we all auditioned, we told her we had. Mike was being funny, "He made it to round
3 and is going to Toronto on the show!" he exclaimed to the reporter while pointing at me.
The reporter got all excited and replied, "HE DID?" with uber amounts of enthusiasm.
I had to tell her, "No, he's kidding!
She got us to do some moves, took pictures, and said she'd put us up on her website:
http://www.inews880.com/Channels/Reg/iReports/Story.aspx?id=1079974
Our group hit nearest Boston Pizza with a lounge and I bought the first round of drinks. It didn't
matter if nobody made it big on the show, we all had fun, we all got some degree of exposure, and
we were all brought together. Today was a success for all of us.

From left to right; Bianca Brady, myself, Diane Delanovic.

Chapter 6
Breaking The Success Barrier

The next morning before work, I dropped by the gas station to get a newspaper. There I was,
right on the front page of the Edmonton Journal. I flipped over to the article on So You Think You
Can Dance Canada, there was a very brief paragraph about me with a big picture of myself doing a
hand stall.

Later that evening, I heard myself talking on the radio, found a couple websites with pictures of
me on it, and I was confident I got some air time on television. I was so satisfied with myself. I
didn't make it onto the show, but my face and my name was getting out there. I wanted more, I
needed to seek out exposure, I wanted to be on top of the world.
Jordan Fordyce once said to me, "I have to be the best, I don't care what it is, but I have to be up
there and I want the world to see my accomplishments. If I fail, I may as well kill myself now
because Ill never happy. The best are people who don't stop until they do what it takes, the best
don't follow anyone else or buy into bullshit, the best succeed no matter what." It was the same
mentality as mine: be everything or be nothing.
I called her that that evening to tell her about my fifteen minutes of fame. Fordyce and I had
remained in contact with each other throughout my time in Edmonton. Fordyce had a lot of drama
with her boyfriend in the previous months, the same boyfriend that she took back after the Leah
incident. Fordyce changed in those months, she'd been miserable and I could no longer see her
glowing personality. It was absent. She was this brilliant, young girl, determined and confident, but

I could see how she was being run-down by her relationship. I wanted to help her, I pleaded with
her to leave him for her own sake, but she didn't seem to have the willpower to do it. She would
never tell me what was going on between her and her boyfriend, but she would call me in tears and
always asked me to tell her how I've been doing to distract her.
I was no longer in love with Fordyce, but I never lost my immense attraction for her. I still
thought she was the perfect girl for me and if she ever asked me to, I would've dropped everything
to be with her. She knew this.
Before I had the chance to tell Fordyce about SYTYCD, she brought up the incident where I had
shown her the messages between Leah and her boyfriend. I was bewildered as to why it was coming
up after so long.
Jordan Fordyce was a girl that prided herself in being intelligent and smart, but I had never seen
her be so blind. Why did you show me those messages? Did you really think I deserved to know,
or did you just want Dom out of the picture to leave an opportunity for yourself? she asked. I
remained silent, weighing the truth and the lie. I told her my intentions were to look out for her in
the past, but there was more to it than that. Please tell me, Jordan. It's been distancing me from you
because I've never known what your intentions have been since then. Do you really want what's best
for me...or just me?
I had no idea she felt that way since the incident. It had planted a seed of doubt in her and it was
growing, not reaching the surface until now.
I told her the truth: that I helped her for the wrong reasons.
She told me her boyfriend demanded that she shut me out of her life because I was insult to their
relationship. It was a slap in the face.
"So what, Im basically a disposable friend to you now?" I asked.
She told me, "Sorry, Im not a great as you think I am, Im not amazing, Im not going to be
successful. I tried to tell you once.
Well, isn't that fucking cute. I'm an insult to your relationship because I pointed out your
boyfriend's disloyal habits to you? If that's the case, your whole relationship is one big fucking
joke.
She'd never heard me speak like that before, I could hear the shock in her voice after I said it.
Wow, I thought we could do this on good terms, this could've been easy but you're just being so
fucking melodramatic."
"Fine, if you're so pathetic to just shut people out of your life because someone told you to, I
wouldn't even want to call such a disgrace my friend. You're a fucking sheep and you're right, you're
not great at all. You'll never be the best, you'll never be up there and the world will never see your
accomplishments. You failed, so you may as well kill yourself because you'll never be happy. All
you do is follow everyone else and buy into bullshit, you're not willing to do what it takes." I used
the words she said one year ago to describe how she didn't want to be, she didn't even remember
them.
I actually felt so horrible for doing this to you, but you just made it so easy! Fordyce said
raising her voice and revealing the hurt she felt. I didn't mean to be so harsh, I thought she'd
remember her own words and snap out of it, but instead she felt like I plunged a knife into the most

delicate center of her heart.

She hung up on me, and I didn't except to see her or hear her voice ever again. Goodbye..." I
said to her long after the phone call had already ended. My eyes become moist and I was
motionless. I felt so hurt; she was my inspiration for years. I thought she was like me; built for
greatness but life and her choices had run her down. Her best qualities were gone and werent
coming back. She was no different from every other woman in my past now and she would never
know the things I accomplish.

***

Diane called me and told that I'd better have Saturday open because she bought us tickets to
Mariana's Trench, Shiloh, and Carly Rae Jepson at the Starlite Room. Diane wanted to see Carly
Rae Jepson because she followed Canadian Idol and knew Carly Rae Jepson placed third in the fifth
season of the show. It was interesting to be hanging out with Diane because she noticed things that I
didn't, she always pointed out when a girl was checking me out. To my surprise, I was being
checked out by women all the time and I would have otherwise never known.
I never understood how she always noticed this because it was something I never noticed myself.
Diane taught me that girls like to use their peripheral vision to check out men because it doesn't
appear like they're directly looking at them.
Diane and I got into the line up for the concert, in front of Diane and I were an obnoxious group
of girls in club attire. I noticed this one girl that was more obnoxious than the rest. I overheard her
name, Larissa. She was attractive, slick black hair, a nice layer of eye liner, and her dress barely
made it down to her knees.
When Diane and I got inside the venue Carly Rae Jepson was already singing. Diane was upset
that she didn't get to see her when she first got out on stage. I found it kind of strange, Carly Rae
Jepson looked a lot like my ex Nicole and even had Rae in her name, except she was a hundred
times more good looking.
After Carly's first few songs, Josh Ramsey of Marianas Trench came on stage to sing with Carly.
They sang 'Sour Candy' almost a year before they released it. It was eye opening after the song
came out because it's then you truly realize how long they work on their music before they release it
to the world.
When Carly finished her set, she went to signing booth and then hung out at the bar in the back
of the venue. She seemed to be sitting there unoccupied with no one talking to her so I decided to
go and start a conversation. I had no idea how she earned fame but she informed me she was a
finalist in Canadian Idol and was from Mission, B.C. She was just as nice and sweet as she was
adorable. I bought her album, got it signed, and took a picture with her.
I was still feeling the high of SYTYCD and rolling with an attractive Global News reporter. I
wondered, just how far can I push this rush of success?
"Do you get nervous when performing? You looked like you had butterflies at one point," I asked
Carly.

"Actually, yes. I've been performing for years now and I sometimes get butterflies still."
"It's kind of crazy. I'm a performer myself and I would go through these periods of fearlessness,
then at points I'd be getting the nervous and stage fright spells again. I have no idea what triggers
them every once in a while."
"I get that too! It's completely normal! What do you do?" Carly asked, taking an interest.
"I'm a breakdancer, auditioned for So You Think You Can Dance last week, but I'm primarily an
actor," I replied.
"Very cool," Carly acknowledged while nodding her head.
"I know you're on tour right now, but we should grab a coffee or drink when it's over. It'd be neat
to pick your ear about the music industry and just talk as artists."
"Oh...I appreciate the offer but I really shouldn't be giving my phone number out to fans."
"I understand. Well, it was nice meeting you," I told miss Jepson, shaking her hand.

Myself and Carly Rae Jepson at the Starlite Room

When I asked out Carly Rae Jepson back in 2010, she was a name not known to most of the
general population. She became ten-fold famous by releasing, Call Me Maybe, because she
obviously regretted turning me down.
I went back into the pit to find Diane but was unable to find her. I wanted to give Diane the
opportunity to meet Carly herself since she was kind of enough to bring me to the event. A mosh pit
broke out and I was starting to get shoved around. A fat girl beside me kept trying to discreetly rub
up against me on purpose. Just because people were getting pushed around, she wasn't fooling me. I

decided to get away from her and almost made it to the front of the pit. Everyone was sweaty and
the heat was unbearable, I was wiping beads of sweat off my forehead every few minutes.
The black haired girl in the club attire, Larissa, was before me. She got pushed into me and
began apologizing.
"Im sorry! Im sorry! Im sorry!" she continued repeating to numerous people. I genuinely felt
bad for her. She looked like she was trying to get out of the pit but wasn't having any luck.
Don't worry about it, it's happening to everyone. I shouted to her above the noise.
Larissa's blonde friend spoke up and said "I shouldn't exactly be grinding on you. My boyfriend
wants me back undamaged." I told her I was gay and not to worry. It worked. She shouted to
Larissa, "He's gay, it's okay. We can stay close to him!" Larissa finally introduced herself to me.
Can I hold onto you? she asked, I almost fell like three times getting shoved around and since
you're gay I feel safe with you."
I started being cocky funny with her and said, "Yeah you can hold onto me. I'll protect you."
"Yay, I have a protector!"
Mariana's Trench finally came on stage. They played many recognizable songs like Shake
Tramp, All To Myself, and Beside You.
In between one of the songs, Josh Ramsay asked if it was anyones birthday. A couple people in
the pit raised their hands. "Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday, you look like a liar," he said to
individuals in the audience.
I raised my hand with the guiltiest look on my face. Josh Ramsay looked over to me and said,
You're definitely lying, look at this guys face!" as he pointed to me. I laughed as a large portion of
the audience turned to look at me.
"Can I have a birthday kiss? a young girl in the crowd shouted.
"How old are you?" Josh Ramsay asked.
The girl from the crowd replied, "Fourteen."
Josh Ramsay laughed and exclaimed," Well I would, but I dont want to go to jail!"
When the show ended and I finally found Diane outside. I began apologizing for losing her and
not being with her for nearly the entire concert. She merely walked up to me, threw her arms around
my shoulders, and planted a fat kiss on my lips. Did you have fun? she asked, That was one of
the best concerts I've been to.
I looked at Diane, stunned. "Well," I began, "I guess it's a good thing Carly Rae Jepson refused to
give me her number."
"You didn't!"
I simply shot her the cutest puppy dog look I had and shrugged innocently.

***
I was beginning to attain the lifestyle I'd been searching for my whole life. I never had an
unmeaningful day. My life was appealing; I had health, fun, money, love, a desirable social life,

success in some form, and great people all around me. I had a lifestyle most wish they could attain
and I was at an all time high.
I'd been through things, I was tested, I was put through trials and tribulations that put in the
darkest of places, but I survived, I fought, and I never stopped moving forward. Now, I was writing
a book, I tried out for So You Think You Can Dance, I was dating a beautiful news reporter, and it
was only the beginning. I knew I had it in me to pursue much more.
I chased this irresistable high like it was the essence of my life.
***
Ashley became jealous when she learned that Diane and I had started dating, she looked Diane
up on Facebook and sent her a crude message concerning me. I never got to see the message but
from the way Diane blew up, I knew it wasn't pretty.
When I checked my Facebook, I discovered that I had a message from Ashley as well.

March 11, 2009

Jordan, seeing you care about her so much, makes me upset. I care about you so much and their is
no way to explain it. This has never happened before. I cry whenever something is wrong in your
life. I would do anything to make you happier. Anything, Jordan. I cant bare to see you like this, to
see that you have fallen so badly in love with someone that's not right for you.
I might-as-well give up and let you call me your sister. I know I will never be lucky enough to
have you as a boyfriend. Why do I bother trying. I dont want to admit I love you... But what im
going through... isnt it a typical love story? Girl meets boy, girl falls for boy, boy doesnt even
stumble. Feeling like this makes me question everything. God, my mind, my family, my friends, my
life, the reason for my existance.
Sometimes you say you feel hopeless against your dreams? Try being me. At least you have the
person you want. You don't have to watch the person you care most about, love someone else. What
is going on with me towards you, is like you and Jordan Fordyce. Only 10 times worse. You haven't
left me, you are still in my life. We make plans to see eachother.
I dont want to lose you. I can't lose you. I want you to be happy, no matter who you are with. I
support you 100%. If you are with Diane for the rest of your life, I'm happy; will you be my brother
then? If you are with me, perfect. If you are single, but are happy, I support that. You are my best
friend. If you were to leave my life, I dont know what would happen to me.
I wish my friend, Fred knew about you. I wish he knew how hard I have fallen., but he doesnt
and I don't know if I can ever tell him. He's against people falling in love. As for Vanessa, she has
never approved of anyone I have liked. No one! Then you came along, she hasn't even met you and
she approves. You know how big of a deal this is?! HUGE!!! I have a feeling she says she approves
because she knows I could never get you. She approves when she has doubt.

Laura, I'm pretty sure she is getting pissed off at me for talking about you so much. It seems that
is the only thing that comes out of my mouth anymore...."JGardiner....Jordan...Gorgie...."
When I wake up in the morning, the first thing I look at is my cell phone, seeing if maybe, just
maybe, you sent me a text. I only look to disappoint myself. When I'm sitting in class, the only thing
I wanna be doing is talking to you, the only person I want to be around is you. I sit there picturing
you, your eyes, us fighting over your camera. I never wanted those times to end.
How could I let this happen? How could I let myself fall for someone who can't catch me? I'm
the one that is at fault. I should know by now, and should notice, I shouldnt fall for anyone, or I
should at least be more careful with who I trust. Everytime I trust someone it goes wrong. Its always
my fault. I shouldn't get so attached to people, it's not healthy. People need their space.
This happiness, this act, becomes reality when I'm with you. I picture you, and smile instantly. If
I dont talk to you before I go to bed, it doesnt feel like I should be sleeping. I picture your eyes, and
everything seems good in the world. I think about your eyes, and it gives me courage to keep
moving on.. I dont know why, but they do. Although I tell you I'm fine, I only say it to keep you
happy. I say I'm willing to do anything for you, but if the time came when you asked for a favour, I
have no idea what I could possibly offer you.
Reading that letter made me uncomfortable. Very uncomfortable. I felt so horrible that Ashley
was pouring out all these feelings and I had none to return. I knew I couldn't let it continue. I loved
having her around because she thought so much of me.
I could sense the drama and disaster inbound, so I had to divert it. I felt like a monstrous asshole
for what I was about to do. What I had to say to Ashley was going to destroy her world.
***
I called Ashley, invited her over, told her we needed to talk about the email she sent me. She was
at my house within an hour. I invited her in, she sat down on my couch, and engaged in cautious
small talk. She was treading very carefully, unsure of what was really going on. I could feel the
blistering tension and I knew she could too.
I sat down in front her. Ashley, I said plainly.
I'm sorry, I know you're pissed off at me. I just couldn't keep it in anymore.
On the contrary, I frowned, I'm not mad, I'm the one that's sorry. We can't keep doing this.
Trust me, when I say that I'm doing it to help you.
Doing what? she asked, confused.
We can't hang out, we can't talk to eachother anymore.
No! Jordan please, I can't lose you. Ashley stammered.
I can't return your feelings. You're just going to keep getting hurt, especially since I'm with
Diane.
I tried so hard to be that girl for you, Ashley cried, Can you please just give me a chance?

I can't.
I don't know what to do. I can't let you go! You can't fucking do this to me!
Ashley... I started, trying to think of what I could possible say to give her peace of mind.
Jordan, this isn't you. I can't bare to see you like this; to see that you have fallen so badly in love
with everything you were against. You hated stuck up rich people, you hated stuck up successful
people, and you said you would always give back and appreciate everything given to you if you
made it. Well now it's happened, maybe you're not famous yet, and maybe you're not a millionaire,
but you've had a small taste from both and you've already lost yourself.
She wasn't going to let go without a fight. I felt so horrible for what was about to do. She wasn't
going to stop unless I dealt a blow of hurt. Maybe she would get over me faster that way.
Ashley! You want know something about me? I never even liked you as a friend. I only kept
you around because you acted like my personal assistant. You did everything I asked! It was
pathetic, but useful. You're silly little infatuation for me made you dependable. But now I don't want
you anymore, you've become more trouble than you're worth!
Ashley's mouth was hanging open with shock and tears started rolling down her face rapidly.
Why are you being like this? This isn't you. I'm so confused.
"I don't want you calling me anymore, I don't want to see you anymore. Get out and don't ever
look back.
She got up and headed for the door. She was breathing heavily, like she was about to
hyperventilate. She looked at me through her wet, moist eyes and said one last thing. I love you,
so weakly I could barely hear it.
I looked away from her, trying to hide a tear that barely escaped from my own eye. I heard the
door open, then close. When I looked up she was gone. I felt like a monstrous asshole to her and I
felt bad beyond belief. I hoped that she would see me as an asshole who wasn't worth her time.

***
I made a spur of the moment decision to purchase blonde hair dye to turn my hair a light shade of
blonde. I didn't intend to make my hair as white as it was, but I had become distracted after taking a
phone call from Katy. I forgot that I left the dye in my hair for twice as long as the package
recommended
"Jordan we're going on another pub crawl tonight, you in?"
Im in, I need to unwind," I replied to her. Katy and I saw eachother once a week since my first
pub crawl with her, she usually came around to conduct the sale of a pub crawl ticket with me but
considered me her friend with benefits, and I had the full benefits. I ended it when I started to
officially date Diane. But I got freaked out when she came to me after learning she was pregnant.
It's not yours, don't worry, she assured me, I know for a fact that it's not yours.
I took the hint and asked, Who is he?
No one you would know, but I just want you to know that this is my last pub crawl with you.

I understand, I told her.

I washed out the hair dye and looked at the mirror in shock. I wanted a slight blonde touch, not
full on platinum intensity. But it happened and there was no turning back. They said blondes have
more fun, I think it was true.
Among my pub crawls, I individually met and brought together three people who would soon
become legendary with me. Scott, Luke, and Nicholas; we became the notorious pub crawl regulars.
Scott; shaved head, acted pretty bad ass and was always willing to get into a fight. He was an
alpha male and hosted parties and outings into the city on a regular basis.
Luke; a dark haired, skinny but athletic guy who rocked a mean mohawk. I later found out he
was bisexual which explained his jumpy and more than outgoing personality. H was a lure for the
ladies.
Nicholas, a tall, brown haired, blue collar tradesman. He took pride in picking up women like
me. Nicholas and I had a lot in common, we studied the same psychological topics and had both
read The Game.
Scott called me a few hours before the pub crawl. "I won a limo package to Diamonds, so we can
go there first with VIP access and then since we already bought pub crawl tickets, we can catch the
bus after it gets to Diamonds. I agreed to his plan, thought it sounded good until he added a but.
But I need you to get at least two girls to come with us for the limo or we don't get it.
I'll get four, I promised confidently. First girl I called was Diane and she wasn't available. My
second call was to Briana, "Hey Briana, whats happening?" I asked.
"Jordan, me and my girls are going on the pub crawl tonight. Are you going? Briana asked.
"Of course, I always go, but I'm skipping the first part and joining up after Diamonds. Come with
us and we can pick you up with a limousine, I told her.
"Oh my god, are you serious?" Briana said in an excited tone. That's exactly what me and the
girls need right now. I could hear some other girls laughing and giggling in the background.
You and the girls, how many do you have with you?
I could hear her doing a head count then she replied, Eight!
Oh, we're so fucking picking you up. Tell you what, what's your address, we'll have the limo
come straight to your house.
The evening came by sooner than expected and we picked up Briana and her group of friends,
Veronica and Rachel were among them. We were the infamous pub crawl regulars, we became a
strong band of friends and drinking buddies. Half of the girls were already drunk with a bottle of
tequila and I was in for a good night. It was quite the satisfying experience, rolling with all these
gorgeous women in a limousine.
Luke was going ballistic and giddy, Oh man I think I'm going to go back to straight! he burst
out laughing.
Don't give him anymore tequila, I winked at Veronica sitting beside him.
Briana introduced me to Lexi, a new girl that started hanging out with the group. Lexi was
blonde, and incredibly outgoing as she was making out with Rachel on demand. Lexi took a liking

to me when everyone was going off about my SYTYCD experience.

He was on So You Think You Can Dance? Lexi shouted, her eyes widening.
I tried to be modest but I was like a mini-celebrity in that limousine. I had Rachel in one arm
beside me, Briana in the other, and Lexi decided to sit on my lap. Rachel was feeding me shots of
tequila and my leg was falling asleep. Tequila always made me bold, I pushed Lexi off me and said,
Hands off the merchandise, it made her chase me. I felt claustrophobic and smothered in that
limousine so I told Rachel to make out with Lexi again. It gave me enough time to make my
getaway as I sat back beside Briana and lifted her legs over my lap.
The limousine arrived at the strip club, we stumbled out the vehicle. To our surprise, the pub
crawl bus already beat us here.
Hey, I was wondering why my bus looked a little emptier tonight. You bastards stole all the
girls. Jay laughed as he snuck up behind us inside the club.
Jay had a new bodyguard figure, his name was Grath and he was the biggest, bad ass looking guy
I'd ever seen. He had sterling silver chains hanging around his neck and his fingers were filled with
the rings of snakes and skulls. Everything about the way he looked screamed dangerous and he
didn't look like the kind of guy you would want to accidentally brush up against or look at the
wrong way. But Grath wasn't scary at all, he was really easy to warm up to after he would crack
jokes that weren't really funny and then laugh up a storm to himself.
Jay made a lot of money that night and wanted to celebrate by getting everyone wrecked, he
purchased 3 trays filled with tequila shots. I downed about half a dozen shots and I was gone. I ran
out to the designated smoking area with all the girls and told them all to kiss me on the cheeks
while I take pictures. They all huddled around me and not only kissed me on the cheeks, but shoved
their tongues in my mouth, then I had them making out with eachother. I couldn't keep count of how
many girls made out with me, they did everything I commanded.
A group of men at the club started to circle around us. They were standing there staring and
talking about everything I was doing, "How is he doing that!" One of the guys stammered. Another
approached me and asked me what my secret was.
I was admired, many wanted to be me in that moment, many wanted to have what I had, this was
the feeling of success. A couple good looking girls in glittering dresses came over to talk to me out
of the blue, it really was all about social proof. Women don't respond to money or good looks as
much as they do to social proof, I knew it was true because I was the star of the club tonight.
The guys came out with Katy and Rachel, I had totally forgotten about them. Jordan, what kind
of crazy shit are you doing? Katy asked in disbelief as I had Briana and Veronica pull their breasts
out in a picture with me.
It seemed I had gotten a little carried away...

From left to right; Briana, myself, Veronica, unknown.

Myself & Briana

Myself & Veronica

Myself & Rachel on the pub crawl bus after Diamonds

Nicholas & Lexi

Marcus & Scott

From left to right; John ,myself, Grath, Lexi, Marcus

I lost track of who all I had kissed and I figured all the pictures would come back to haunt me in
the morning. In my drunken glory, I remembered that I was dating Diane, and started pleading with
everyone to delete the pictures, but some of them were already popping up on Facebook.
I deactivated my Facebook temporarily until I could maintain some control over the images of
my drunken adventures.
We headed out to the next club on the pub crawl list. The Bank Ultra Lounge, it used to be a
bank but was then turned into a high profile club.
I jumped out onto the middle of the dance floor as soon as we got there. I was dancing with Katy
and offered to buy her drink, but then I remembered she was pregnant and took it back. She was
dancing very close to me looking up and down my body. Her body language was inviting and I
moved in for the kiss. A second before my lips were on hers I was grabbed by the arm and pulled. I
stumbled as I turned to look at who pulled me, We have to go! Scott urged, panicked.
I saw two people swinging fists near me and Scott continued pulling on my arm. I was stumbling
all over the place and fell into a girl and knocked her drink into her dress. She started to swear at me
and Scott helped me up to keep hurrying me out of the club.
What the hell is happening? I shouted.
I caught view of the exit and Grath was fighting off two bouncers. He got slammed against the
wall and Grath grabbed one the bouncer's arms and twisted it behind his back.
Briana got caught with coke and Grath got the bouncers away from her, we all need to go. Jay
has got the bus waiting.
We hurried onto the bus and it was only half filled. Briana, Veronica, and Lexi jumped onto the

bus. Grath followed on breathing heavily with a cut just above his eye. Jay demanded the driver to
take off now. As the bus pulled out Rachel and Katy came running out of the club waving their
arms. Rachel got left behind on yet another pub crawl, it was hilarious.
Fuck! Jay shouted, I'm going to lose customers because I left half of them behind. I should've
left your asses to get arrested but if the owner finds out that it's my group that's causing this shit he
won't let me take my pub crawls there anymore. You're all bad for business! Now who has the
blow? Briana started crying and weakly held it up in her hand. Jay snatched it from her and tossed
it out the window. We were all feeling bad and it killed all of our buzz's. Since you guys are
regular's, I'm going to set some ground rules for my business. Do coke on the bus, do coke before
you get inside the club, do coke anywhere except inside and don't beat up the fucking bouncers! We
still got one more club on the list so don't fuck up, buy lots of drinks, and fucking make me look
good!
When we got into the final club, Rockstar's, my buzz was still dead but it wasn't anything that a
few more shots of tequila and a jager bomb couldn't fix.
It was an amazing club, the floor was opened up and there was a second level balcony that gave a
surrounding view of the dance floor.
There were a few men breakdancing in the center of the dance floor. I observed them and knew I
outmatched them, I jumped in and threw my moves out onto the floor.
The other breakdancers challenged me but were no match. These other guys had perfectly
mastered their style, their footwork was smooth and crafted, years of experience was evident. My
technique and style was flawed, my moves were unmastered and sloppy, at first I couldn't
understand why everyone was looking up to me more than them. I realized why when I started
doing power moves; spins, flips, hand stalling for ten seconds at a time. It didn't matter how sloppy
my style was, I was running the most impressive looking moves and also the hardest. I was
performing the moves that breakdance was recognized for. The few years Id been breakdancing I
wasn't trying to perfect my style, but trying to strengthen myself and make myself more fit to pull
the most impressive moves, I never thought this way would've gotten me the recognition I desired,
but it did, and I loved it.
Scott came over when he saw what was going on, Scott was pushing some hip hop moves beside
me and we worked together to throw a show for the crowd.
A large circle formed around the dance floor that left nearly half the room open for us. A couple
of the bouncers even came over to watch. The crowd chanted for us, "Go! Go! Go! Go!" I was by
far out of breath but everyone continued to cheer me on, so I finished by down one big backflip off
Scott's back and then we ran off to get more drinks.
Scott, Luke, Nicholas, Veronica, Lexi, and myself went upstairs to go check things out. Grath
and Jay were upstairs getting more rounds of Tequila lined up. Briana was already there and
downed three shots in a row before a big look of disgust emerged from her face. Scott and I took
her outside for a moment in case she was about to get sick. She started to get upset and said she felt
super dizzy and didn't want to drink anymore. Briana fell into me and I held her up in my arms. She
turned around and licked me on the cheek just before starting to take all her clothes off. Her shirt
came off and she threw it onto the road. She tried to get her pink bra off but was too drunk to reach
the clip. I grabbed her and demanded her to stop.

Fuck you, she whined as she ripped herself away from me and jumped on Scott and tried to
make out with him.
No, Briana. You need to get dressed, let me get your shirt, Scott reasoned.
You know what, fuck you too. Briana mumbled and started hitting on random men in the line
up waiting to get inside the club.
Jay came out, saw what was going on and said he'd take care of it. Scott and I reentered the club
wondering about Briana.He's probably going to call the bus and fuck her before the night's over,
Scott complained.
He was probably right, a few weeks ago their was a wedding and the newly weds decided to
celebrate their marriage on the pub crawl. The husbands bachelor buddies dragged him away and
missed the bus. At the end of the night Jay got the wife drunk and introduced her to cocaine for the
first time. After the pub crawl was over the bus pulled around the corner and Jay fucked her in the
back of the bus. It was horrible, two people fell in love, got married, and in a moment of true
happiness someone had corrupted her, got her addicted to drugs, and was taken advantage of by
another man on their wedding night.
We all knew Jay, we all had hearts, and we all felt guilty for standing by and letting him do it but
there was nothing we could do. And every weekend we continued supporting his pub crawl in union
of sex, drugs, and a night to just get fucked up together.
I couldn't help but think that we were all broken and pathetic. That we all needed to come
together and mindlessly lose control and make mistakes to cope, that we needed to abuse drugs
together and use eachother for sex so that we could enjoy temporary satisfaction.
It reached closing time and the bus was ready to take us back to The Empire where we would
catch a cab to get home. Veronica sat beside me on the bus and asked me questions about my
dancing and asked if I enjoyed kissing her at the strip club.
Scott, Luke, Veronica, and I all lived on the southside of Edmonton and we decided that we
would share cab fair.
When we got back to the empire, Scott said he saw someone he knew and would be right back.
Scott had trouble walking and stumbled toward a white sedan. I overhead Scott saying things like,
Hey, long time man, how you been?
A voice from the car shouted back at Scott, How dare you come here and pretend to be my
friend. You're a fucking rat and sold me out to the cops, I got charged because of you.
Scott backed away from the car and headed for us. A group of guys got out of the car and began
following Scott as he came back over to us, Scott, don't walk away from us, we want to show you
what it's like to get fucked over by your friends."
Luke shouted at the group, Don't worry about him. He's just had too much to drink tonight.
We're leaving.
Like hell you are, stupid, spiky-haired bitch! screamed the alpha male. I really didn't want to
fight these guys, a couple of them were large and looked like a heavy body builders.
I spotted Grath talking to a group of girls by the club entrance, I waved him over urgefully, he
caught sight of me and came over. Grath looked from me to the group of hostile drunks. "You see

these rings," Grath shouted holding up his fist, "they'll fuck you up! I'LL fuck you up!"
The group of drunken hostiles were shouting insults across the parking lot and making threats. I
knew there was no way we were going to avoid a brawl.
Scott started puking beside a cement block, "Come on Scott, we need to get out of here." Luke
said while trying to get him up. Scott clearly wasn't in any condition to fight, Luke had never been
in a fight in his life and I knew we couldn't beat them.
I flagged down a taxi and helped Luke carry Scott to the passenger seat, he was barely
conscious.
Luke and I jumped into the taxi and told the driver to go, at that moment commotion erupted
from all sides of the vehicle.
One of the hostile drunks ran up to the drivers side of the cab, opened the door and punched the
driver in the head with as much force as possible and then slammed his head into the steering
wheel, he was out cold. Grath was pushed into the side of the taxi and bounced back on his
opponent. Grath literally picked up his opposer and threw him into the cement blocked. Everyone
else got out of the cab to fight and I did the same, as soon as I got out I took a hit to the face by
some guy wearing a black coat. My head whipped back with the punch and I came back at him and
threw one good shot to his throat. He gasped and held his hand to his throat because he couldn't
breathe. I knew he couldn't breathe because Id been hit there before, it cuts off your air for a
moment.
I grabbed him by the collar of his coat while running him into a parked car. I threw several more
punches to his face until a beer bottle hit the car and shattered beside me. I turned around to see
another beer bottle flying towards me. I threw my arm up to shield myself and the bottle hit my arm
then fell to the ground.
I stormed toward the man throwing beer bottles but another enemy came at me from the side and
knocked me to the ground. He jumped on me and got me in a headlock, I was getting choked out
and started to get nauseous. All I could hear was Luke shouting, "Help Jordan! Help Jordan!"
I thought I was done for and was ready to fall unconscious, but then I felt my attacker get
knocked off me and I could hear grunts of pain as Grath brutally ended him.
A police cruiser pulled up blinding everyone with it's headlights. We took off running in a group
and fled down a staircase leading to a lower level of the parkade.
"Im parked right there! Im park right there!" Grath shouted as he started his car from his key
remote, "someone has to get in the trunk, quick!"
Most of us piled into the car and Luke jumped in the trunk when he discovered there wasn't
enough room for him. Some of us were witnessed in the assault between eachother, some of us had
too many illegal drugs on us to get caught by the cops, and now Grath was drinking and driving. We
didn't want to deal with the cops, period.
We sped through downtown and made it to the bridge. Grath was clearly drunk because he was
swerving all over the street. I closed my eyes and asked myself, What the fuck did I get myself
into? Grath was gunning it across the bridge, the speedometer read 120 kph where the speed limit
was 60. A red car in front of us signalled into our lane, Grath swung the steering wheel to the right
trying to swerve around the red car but was going too fast. There was a loud smash as the corner of

Grath's bumper collided with the red car's. The driver of the red car slammed on his brakes, as we
sped past.
We drove south for about ten minutes and Grath pulled into the driveway of a ghetto looking
house. "I live about a twenty minute walk from here," Scott explained.
"LET ME OUT OF THE FUCKING CAR NOW! FUCK, FUCK! MOTHERFUCKING FUCK!"
erupted from the trunk of the car. We opened the trunk for Luke as he jumped out in a panic.
"WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT, YOU SHIT! YOU HIT SOMEONE DIDNT YOU? YOU KNOW
WHAT THATS LIKE IN THE DARK IN A FUCKING TRUNK!" He shouted at Grath. Everyone
waited until Luke was done his anxiety attack.
Scott, Luke, Veronica and I walked to Scott's house. Luke and Scott gave me and Veronica
blankets and told us we had to share the couch.
They were calling the shots because Luke and Scott were roommates. Luke and Scott went to
bed and Veronica started stripping down to her in boxers in front of me. She didn't seem to mind
sharing the couch with me.
I jumped on the couch and laid down acting super relaxed leaving no room for Veronica. "Hey,
you can't do that! Move over," Veronica demanded of me.
"If you want on the couch from me you have to earn it," I teased.
Veronica put on a very shocked and offended look on her face before jumping on me. She
wedged herself between the back of the couch and my body while trying to push me off. I was
about to fall flat on my face and lose ownership of the couch. "Oh, no you don't!" I said as I
grabbed her arms and held them back so she was unable to keep pushing. She started struggling to
break free but somehow ended up lying on top of me letting out a burst of held back laughter. I
started laughing too.
"I feel so comfortable with you," Veronica said quietly between giggles. Her hair was all in her
face and she tilted her head up to look into my eyes. It looked like she was debating whether she
should lean in for a kiss or not. She then opened up her mouth to say, "We can share the bed," and
smiled. I held Veronica in my arms and drifted to sleep.

***

I woke up to find Veronica awake in my arms.

"Finally, you're awake now!" Veronica said excitedly, "I wanted to get up a while ago but I was
scared to wake you up."
"Oh, well thank you, I replied.
"By the way," Veronica continued, "you snore like a caveman."
I opened my mouth with the same shocked and offended look she gave me last night. "I do not!"
Veronica and I flirted for the next couple hours on the couch and she talked about wanting to
have sex with a Jonas Brother and steal his purity away, and then went off about hooking me up

with Miley Cyrus.

"I once had a crazy dream where Miley Cyrus liked me and was hitting on me hardcore," I told
her.
"Are you serious!?" She asked bursting out into laughter for the tenth time that morning.
"I have to get home now. It was nice cuddling with you, Veronica." I said while getting up and
giving her a quick flirtatious wink.
"Wait!" she demanded, grabbing my arm. "You can't leave me here, I live in the same direction
as you, you have to walk me home," she said observing my unsatisfied look and rethought the last
sentence, "or at least part way?" she said in the form of a question.
I leaned over the couch closer to her, "Okay," I said with a smile, "but you got to go fix your hair,
I can't let you go out in public like that," I said while putting my hand on her head and messing her
hair up some more.
Veronica got herself fixed up and we said goodbye to Luke and Scott. As we were walking across
the southside of the city, Veronica told me about her teenage years. It seemed she nearly had it as
rough as I did in high school.
"I would dress up like I was going to nightclub everyday and still everyone treated me dirt. I had
almost no friends and people were always starting shit with me for no reason," Veronica explained.
I could relate, I told her about my life in high school and compared it to hers.
We reached Veronica's house and parted ways before I continued my walk home.

Chapter 7
A News Reporter For A Model

Over the next few months, I'd gone to numerous concerts with Diane: Stereos, Ten Second Epic,
Kardinall Offishall, Mother Mother, Our Lady Peace, Natasha Bedingfield, Hedley, Crookers,
Tommy Lee of Motley Crue, Benni Benassi, Showtek, Kevin Rudolf, LMFAO, Bif Naked, Lights,
Akon, Far East Movement, and Hollywood Undead.
The damn lead singer of Hollywood Undead stole my camera. He did give it back after having
some fun with it however.
Diane and I went to Mariana's Trench for the second time.
The Mariana's Trench concert took place at Capital Ex, a yearly event that was a massive
summer carnival. Diane introduced me to two guy friends at the carnival before Mariana's Trench
played. They were younger than Diane and had a keen eye for mischief, particularly when one of
them thought it would be funny to buy an ice cream cone and tossed it into the sea of people before
the stage. The glob of ice cream landed in a poor girl's hair and it stuck there as she tried to get it
out by running her fingers through her blonde strands repeatedly. she was only spreading it.
Mariana's Trench began playing Shake Tramp. Oh my god, Diane said loudly and kissed me,
wait here, I have to go find my friend. This is our favourite song. I nodded and after she
disappeared, Diane's two guy friends looked back at me. They were twice my size and I could see
devious plot in their eyes. They both looked at eachother as if silently asking, are you thinking
what I'm thinking?
They both lunged at me, grabbed my legs, and hoisted me into the air. I landed on top of heads,
hands, and unfortunately faces. A fist came up and struck me in the face as I was floating above the
crowd. People carried me above them and I had no control over my body, I was at the mercy of
those holding me up. I got tossed up again and had a couple feet of air above the heads below me,
as I came down I spotted a badass-looking biker dude. He looked old, had a gray handle bar
moustache, was wearing a black bandana, and a black leather jacket. He looked like a Hells Angel,
and I was headed right for him.
In the half second I was falling, I pleaded that I didn't land on him. I fell downward and booted
the biker right in the face, my heart dropped and I begged that the crowd didn't let me go there. I
sank into the crowd in front of the now extremely angry biker. But frantic hands pulled me back
above the sea of people and they carried me right to the stage. Josh Ramsey and I made eye contact,
he smirked at me just before security pulled me behind the barricades before the stage. The security
guard ripped the collar of my shirt and shoved me back outside the barricade.

I looked like hell.

My hair was a frizzed mess, my face was bruised from getting hit, and the collar of my shirt was
ripped in half. I walked around the sea of people and looked into it wondering how the hell I was
going to find Diane. I texted her. She replied explaining that she was at the front of crowd on the
left side. It really helped considering I was looking into a sea of three-thousand people. It really
I started squeezing and pushing my way back into the crowd. Josh Ramsey made a remark about
Edmontonians and the crowd went wild. I shouted out with a remark of my own but no one could
hear me over the screams, except for one girl.
Jade, a girl who was recently breaking into modeling spun around and said, Oh, hi Jordan!
Confused, I asked, Do I know you?
It's me, Jade from Facebook.
Then it registered in my memory, I had been talking to one of Leah's old friends since moving to
Edmonton. Jade and I talked over Facebook casually but had never met eachother.
Jade! Holy shit, how are you?
I'm great! Crazy meeting you like this.
Jade and I had as much chemistry as we had online, we got interested in eachother and talked
about meeting but never fell through with the plans, and then pure chance had brought us together.
She told me she was in the city for a photoshoot with her modeling agency and came to Capital Ex
while she was in Edmonton.

I need to go find my girlfriend, Diane, she's near the front, want to tag along?
Sure, just hold on and let me ditch my friends, Jade turned around and dismissed herself from
her group. Jade and I made it about half way to the stage until we started having to squeeze tightly
in between people to get further. Jade put her arms around me and pressed against me while
squeezing between another compressed set of people.
Our legs ended up intertwined between eachothers, her crotch pressed up against my leg and
mine against hers, This is hot, she said seductively. She looked into my eyes and I looked into
hers, I felt like she was inviting me to kiss her, so I did. We got into an intense lip lock, when I
pulled out of the kiss I recognized a face in the crowd. Diane was staring at me with a look of
disgust, disappointment and hurt on her face. Guilt flooded me and I only stared back at her before
she squirmed herself further into the crowd to get away from me.
Jade, stay here! I demanded and urgently squeezed further into the crowd looking for her. I
couldn't find her anywhere and started frantically texting her. Where are you? I'm sorry. This
random girl just came up and kissed me.
Stay away from me, she replied.
I searched for both Diane and Jade in the crowd but couldn't find either afterword
I went home after the concert ended feeling deeply distraught and guilty. I got into my room and
opened up the lap top, I searched for Diane on Facebook, but it was evident she blocked all forms of
communication with me. She was not coming up in any of my searches and stopped replying to all
of my texts.
I felt like the biggest idiot in the world, Diane was the most prominent woman I had ever dated,
she had the world going for her, she was stable, beautiful, smart, confident, responsible, and she
was perfect for long term commitment. Diane was nothing but good to me, and I fucked it up just as
it was about to get serious.
I believed I cheated and pursued women at every opportunity because I was the loser in
highschool, I had never had a serious or noteworthy girlfriend in my entire teen-hood, I felt like I
needed a consolation prize for missing out on popularity and good experiences throughout my
highschool years. I had to let go of that consolation prize and learn to recognize when I had
something great sitting right underneath my nose.
Diane and I had a more casual relationship and I didn't take it too seriously. I received a text
message from one of her friends telling me that Diane actually fell for me during that week and was
going to talk to me about getting into a more serious relationship, until she saw me with Jade.
A message from Jade popped up on my facebook, she invited me to come to Capital Ex again the
next day, she said she had fun with me and wanted to see me again.

A modeling photo of Jade Ferguson

I got mixed up between an attractive news reporter and a struggling model. When I thought about
it, I wanted Diane. I reached out to her one last time and called her, she answered and told me she
really liked me but wanted to be with someone who could be loyal to just one girl no matter what,
and I wasn't that guy. In the finality, I arranged the plans to meet with Jade at Capital Ex again, it
was a date.
***
I entered the gates, paid for the ride pass, and located Jade and her friend. Jade hugged me as she
greeted me.
Are you going to introduce me to your friend? I asked, It's the polite thing to do.
Jade introduced me to Kelsey, who was consistently playing with her lip ring using her tongue.
At first, it was a little awkward around Kelsey but after I started running some standard Game
material on her; she warmed up to me pretty fast. It turned out Kelsey and I had great chemistry, we
just had these moments whenever we made eye contact, we'd both simply smile at eachother
immensely; it was flirting without the words.
I learned that Jade was one of those girls who couldn't put her phone down. Between rides she
couldn't stop texting and I knew I could use that against her. I tried using my seduction techniques
on her but she was playing hard to get. I tried to take her by surprise and kiss her unexpectedly. I

kept getting a centimetre from her lips before she pulled back and looked at me disapprovingly.
So I guess this is not a date, I stated,
No, it's a date, but no kissing, Jade replied with assurance.
It can't be a date if there's no kiss.
Well, my dates are like that, she said with a smug smile on her face.
That's not fair.
I don't play fair, ask Kelsey.
She has three boyfriends, Kelsey informed me.
I laughed, So glad I didn't kiss her now, thanks Kelsey.
What! Why? Jade stammered.
I knew that by teasing Jade the right way I could make her chase me. That was what The Game
was about; making the girl chase you instead of chasing her.
Nothing, I just didn't realize you were one of 'those' girls.
What girl? Jade shouted.
Jade's phone beeped with another text message, she couldn't stop answering them all day. I
snatched the phone from her. Jade pretended not to care and let me have my way with her text
messages. The phone beeped with yet another text, Who's Ryan? I asked.
What! Give me that! Jade stammered.
If I didn't know any better, I'd think he was important to you.
Give me the phone! What did he say?
I looked at Ryan's message. It read, I don't remember much, what did you do after the party?
Holy shit, this is good! I fibbed while keeping the phone out of Jade's reach as she tried
grabbing for it again. I replied to the message with a smiley face and deleted both the received and
outgoing message to screw with Jade. She wanted to play hard to get and the multiple boyfriend
card on me, than I didn't have to play nice with her.
The three of us got onto another ride, it was one of those cup things that spun round and round. I
gave the phone to Jade as soon as the ride started, she knew exactly why I chose to give to her then,
This ride isn't fast enough to stop me from reading, she laughed thinking she got the best of me.
On the ride she got frustrated and started smacking me playfully, You deleted it! Oh my god, what
did you say? What did he say? You have to tell me, this is so mean!
I eventually told Jade what he said and told her that I only sent a smiley face back. She didn't
believe me and asked Ryan what the last thing she sent was.
After a few more rides, Jade became extremely frustrated and she was texting more frantically
than she had the entire day. I worried that it was something I did as more and more drama broke out
with Jade on her phone.
Jade suddenly looked up from her phone and slapped Kelsey across the face as hard as she could.
Kelsey pushed Jade making her fall back into someone else.

Ryan thinks you're a fucking slutty bitch and he never wants to see you again. Just back off
him, Kelsey blurted out.
What the hell was that? I stammered to both of the girls. They both ignored me.
Jade ran away into the crowd and Kelsey took off in the opposite direction. After some
searching, I spotted Jade crying on the curb. I put my arm around her and tried comforting
her,What happened? You can talk to me.
Jade opened up and said she got really drunk at a party and cheated on her boyfriend. (One of her
boyfriends at least) And that he already found someone else and doesn't want to be with her
anymore. She had just discovered that the someone else was Kelsey.
Jade started digging through her purse and pulled out a mickey of rum. She titled her head back,
taking large swigs before and shoving the bottle in my face. In time, I was starting to feel the liqour.
Jade informed me that she needed to go talk to Kelsey and work things out.
Good luck finding her, I said humorously
I know where she is, Jade replied, she texted me. I'll text you when we're done. She got up,
wiped away her tears, and disappeared into the mass of people.
I got up and wandered Capital Ex with nothing to do until I came to a military tent. They had a
military vehicle parked, and a table with military grade firearms that you could hold and feel.
I thought about it, I thought about being a solider, firing weapons and having weapons fired upon
me. I would be a warrior, I could become more fit and more experienced than anyone I ever knew.
I picked up the assault rifle and held in my hands gracefully, I peered through the scope and
imagined firing a round off. Deep in my heart I knew I wanted it. I didn't want to go to war but I
wanted to experience more and be more than everyone I knew. I wanted to feel superior and my
opportunity to do that had never been so easy. All I had to do was talk to the recruiter and sign a
contract.
I approached the recruiter and asked questions about what military life was like and what kind of
risks their were in joining. There was the risk that I could be fatally injured or killed.
I told him I wanted to join the Canadian Forces. He printed out a piece of paper, had me fill out
the information, and all I had to do was sign the last dotted line and I was officially government
property.
I held the pen in hand and stared at the paper. A moment passed and I was frozen still, I'm sorry,
I need a moment before I sign.
Sure, it's a big decision, take your time, the recruiter told me.
I walked outside the tent, a soldier in uniform noticed me and asked if I'd like to sit in the
military jeep. I ignored his offer and told him, I'm moments away from joining you guys, is it
worth it?
Depends on what you're looking for, most people look at the benefits of joining the army and
they're a lot of them, but no one ever realizes how much of a shock it is to suddenly change your
lifestyle. I continued asking him all sorts of questions, he was willing to tell me the details that the
recruiter held back. He got into a traumatic story that always rang through my head everytime the
Canadian Forces came up.I was deployed in Afghanistan and my camp was taking fire every night.

I would get a phone call from my mother once every two weeks, she was worried sick for me and it
would break her heart if she knew how much danger there was, so I lied to her. I told her that we
hadn't seen any of the bad guys and I hadn't even used my rifle yet. I told her that everything was
fine and I was making a difference, that I was safe and she would see me soon. But I wasn't safe, I
was returning fire every day with artillery shells flying overhead into the trees. One day, my platoon
got ambushed and we were in the middle of the firefight, a buddy of mine took a shot to the head
and dropped dead right in front of me. I think about that every day and think about how easily it
could've been me. So think about that before you sign your life away.
I couldn't do it, it didn't seem like a big deal, all I was doing was signing a piece of paper and
would be getting great training and unforgettable life experience. But after hearing the story, it all
felt too real for me. I thought about being killed and accepted it as the risk I had to take, you don't
imagine yourself being the one to die, you imagine yourself as the one to make it out alive and go
home. When I started to really think about it, I realized how fragile I really was and how easily my
life could be taken from me.
I walked away from the tent and started thinking deeply about what I had almost done. It was a
decision I had to put on hold.
I texted Jade, Have you two worked everything out yet?
No, we're not done yet. I'll text you when.
I spotted the girls in the line up for the water log ride an hour later as I was walking around
looking for things to do. I grew tired and texted her telling her not to bother texting me afterword
because I was leaving. I wasn't actually leaving, but I thought I owed it to myself to disregard
people who would suck me in when they needed personal support and than throw me away when I
wasn't specifically desired.
I entered a fenced off smoking area and approached a male asking for a cigarette. When we got
into conversation, I learned that he coincidentally ended up in the same situation I did; ditched by
some girls. He explained how he had won four tickets to the event by calling into the Bounce 91.7,
the Bounce was a hit music radio station that was popular throughout Edmonton and it's
surrounding areas. He had brought three girls with him and as soon as they got their ride passes,
they took off.
I told him about what happened between Jade, Kelsey and I, then made the suggestion that the
two of us hang out. He agreed and introduced himself as Kyle Thomas. Kyle was new to Edmonton
and was actively looking for friends.
Kyle and I hit up a dozen rides until I got a text message from Paige, she was having a pool party
at the mini-mansion while her parents were out of town. She told me to bring as many people as I
liked. I sent out invites to all my closest friends and the pub crawl crew.
I invited Kyle and he offered to provide some liqour. Kyle guided me into the parking lot and he
unlocked the door to a beautiful white 1984 Firebird, it was his most prized possession.
Kyle was a natural show off and liked to point out things that no one else noticed, or cared to
notice. He revved his engine vigorously when pulling out onto the streets and pointed to an
attractive young girl walking down the sidewalk. She's on her period, want to know how I know
that? Look at the way she walks, she's unnecessarily taking shorter steps.
Bewildered, I observed the girl. I silently nodded when he looked toward me waiting for me to

agree.
When we arrived at liqour store, Kyle went all out, he bought a bottle of Tequila, Vodka, Gin, a
twenty-four case of beer, and two four-packs of strawberry coolers. Kyle was starting to grow on
me.
Big spender, eh? I said as Kyle dumped the bags of liqour in the back seat.
It's pay day today, I got a couple grand to burn.
What do you do?
I work two jobs, I mark the ground where the gas lines are and I do construction whenever I
can.
When we arrived in Twin Brooks, Kyle was in awe over the beautiful homes in the area. He'd
never been to a wealthy person's party before.
Paige happily greeted us in, she was in a cheery mood and told me that I had to meet her
boyfriend, Colin, when he showed up. She wouldn't stop going off about how sweet he was, she
seemed infatuated and I was happy for her.
Scott, Luke, Nicholas, Briana, Lexi, Veronica, Rachel, and Katy, had all shown up. My friends
mingled well with Paige's friends and we stood beside eachother while staring out onto the pool
deck knowing that it was we that brought them together.
So where's this Colin? I asked.
He should be here by now, she replied and started texting. To her dismay, she then said he
wasn't coming.
You okay? I asked, concerned by her saddened expression.
Yeah, we just got into a fight a few days ago and he's still childishly mad at me about it. He's
not happy that I'm having a party either, he thinks I'm going to get into trouble, she explained,
rolling her eyes.
Well, I hope he's worth it, you deserve the best, Paige. I complimented.
Awe, thank you, Jordan. So do you have anyone in your life, right now?
I was dating a news reporter, believe it or not, then I foolishly lost her when she caught me
cheating with a model. I said humorously.
Holy shit, Paige laughed, someones been a bad boy.
And it seems you've turned into a good girl.
I've always been a good girl! she countered.
Well, there was that time we evaded police and then you broke my heart.
Don't bring that up again! Paige said unhappily and started walking away.
Sorry, I didn't mean to upset you. I said, following.
Don't be sorry, just don't do it again.
But someone says I'm a bad boy now. I said in a silly voice, trying to cheer her up again.
Scott and Nicholas started teasing Paige and I from the pool, Jordan, did you ask her out yet?

I already have a boyfriend! Paige shouted defensively.

But he's a good kisser, you can ask her, her, and her. Scott laughed, pointing to Briana,
Veronica, and then Katy.
You didn't! Paige smiled, her mouth dropping open and then she burst into laughter.
Scott, no more pool parties for you, my friend.
Oh no, he's coming to all my pool parties now, Paige remarked and then sat at the edge of the
pool, so what else has Jordan been up to?
Scott started speaking of all sorts of evil I had committed on half a dozen pub crawls. I didn't
need a recap of all my drunken adventures so I started talking to Lexi. We somehow got into a
conversation about our ex's and a guy named Nick came up for her.
Wait, a Nick about this tall, I estimated with my hand, had bleached hair, always wore a hat?
Yeah. Lexi said skeptically.
Did you two ever have sex in a girl's parent's bed at a house party, and you couldn't find your
panties afterword?
WHAT THE FUCK, YEAH!
Did you ever get a video of a bunch of guys burning those panties?
Alright, how the fuck do you know so much? Lexi stammered in disbelief.
I used to know Nick, I helped burn your panties, I confessed, nearly pissing myself from
laughing. I told her about how I met Nick and how we came about finding her panties. It turned out
that Lexi still kept in touch with Nick and she knew Lee. I asked her about Lee and explained that I
always wondered what happened to him.
Paige walked up beside me, Jordan, I had no idea, she giggled.

***
Kyle called me in the afternoon, he explained how he had won more tickets from calling into The
Bounce again. "Hey Jordan, I won two tickets to the Underground Sound with Will.i.am. I was
going to take this girl I knew but shes busy so that means theres one ticket up for grabs. Do you
want it?" I didn't hesitate, a free concert sounded good enough to me.
Kyle and I met downtown, went into the underground floor of the city center parkade and entered
through security. The venue had a race car theme because the event was used as an after party for
the Edmonton Indy Racers. Along the walls were dancers in cages and a long counter with about
twenty female bartenders dressed in the checkered black and white racing pattern.
Will.i.am started to play I Gotta Feeling and the crowd went wild. I started to do some
breakdancing in the center of the parking lot, people were clapping, and cheering for me, Will.i.am
grabbed the microphone and acknowledged me, Love the breakdancing, man. Let's get you up to
the front!

People made way for me and I began twisting moves together before the stage. I felt proud that I
was recognized for my art by someone like Will.i.am.
After I grew tired and didn't have the breath to pop out another move, Kyle and I found a table to
sit at. We noticed two dancers sneaking glances at us from inside one of the cages, I recognized one
of the dancers from a calendar my co-worker Randy had up at work, she was an Edmonton Rush
girl, a go-go dancer. The Edmonton Rush was a cheerleading squad that was chosen for the citys
biggest and most well known events. The dancers came out of the cage after twenty minutes for a
break.
Kyle put a big smirk on his face and got up from the table, I knew he was going to try hitting on
a locally successful woman and I was humoured by it because I didn't believe it would go well. I
observed Kyle from the table, he had the girls smiling and laughing. I eventually seen one of the
girls grab a napkin and write her number on it before handing it to Kyle. Okay, that's it, I thought as
I got up and went to get in on the action. Kyle! Introduce me to your friends, it's the polite thing to
do. Kyle showed good sportsmanship and got me acquainted with the girls. The Edmonton Rush
girl was named Hillary, and her friend was Tayla, we became a group and went outside for a
cigarette.
After the girls finished their smokes, they went back inside for their next rotation in the cages. A
quiet sobbing became apparent to Kyle and I, there was a girl sitting on the curb of the sidewalk
taking long inhaled puffs of her cigarette while letting tears run down her cheeks. Kyle jumped
down beside her, "Whats wrong, why do you look so upset?" Kyle asked in a funny voice.
"Oh, I just had a bad night," the girl replied. Kyle pushed for an answer but the girl refused to
give it to him.
"Alright, how can I make your day? I hate seeing people upset," Kyle asked the girl, persisting.
"These fucking shoes are too tight for my feet!" the girl exclaimed angrily as she pulled them off
her feet and threw them onto the street.
Kyle smiled at her, "Well, do you want to trade me shoes?"
The women laughed, "Yeah right, if you could walk in my shoes Id give you a hug," Kyle
removed his skate shoes and could barely fit three toes into each high heel and then began wobbling
walking across the street in them. The women giggled at Kyle as he nearly fell over on his face a
few times. The girl got up and gave Kyle a hug, "You're cute," she told him, "but Im married, as
she showed Kyle the ring on her finger, then walked back into the underground parking lot. I looked
at Kyle impressively, I met my match.
At the end of the night, I received a random text message from Sydney out of the blue. I hadn't
spoken with her since I left B.C but it still felt like it was just yesterday that I was trying to choose
between her and Nicole. Sydney explained to me that she moved back to Fort Saskatchewan and
wondered if I still lived in Edmonton which was less than an hour away. She wanted to see me.

Chapter 8
Old Flames Die Hard

Over the next week, with a little bit of searching, I bought my first car, a 1991 Honda Civic. It
was this heap of junk that was hardly in an operable state. I bought it and had it towed to my uncle's
shop. I called Kyle up because he knew a lot about working on vehicles and he was the only person
that could get the car in running condition in the next couple days. I purchased over two-thousand
dollars in parts for the vehicle and installed them with the help of Kyle.
Kyle and I spent a lot of time working on the vehicle making it fit to drive, we practically
replaced everything other than the engine itself. I called the insurance company and they charged
me over two-hundred a month for insurance over the accident I had in B.C.
I was surprised by how fast I got all this done, things happened with the motivation of seeing
Sydney. She'd been bugging me all week to come see her, she was the perhaps the only tie to my
past that I had left and that had value to me. Sydney was someone who I thought could understand
me because she would get to witness both of my alternate lives in each province.
Kyle wanted to come up to Fort Saskatchewan to see who all the work was for, "This girl must
be pretty special if shes got you on the go all week just to see her," Kyle snickered.
"Not really, she's just a girl I have small history with," I explained non-chalantly. It wasn't true
though, I think a part of me regretted not being able to fulfil the connection Sydney and I had in the
past. When I chose Nicole I often thought, what if I had chose Sydney; it was my chance to rekindle
what was never finished.
So when are you going to see her? Kyle asked.
Not sure, my boss has me working overtime for the rest of the week, I won't have much free
time on my hands.
The next day, Sydney texted me and asked once again if I could come see her that day. I was at
work and told her that it was unlikely. Kyle called me during my break and I mentioned Sydney
bugging me again.
"We should go," Kyle said anticipating an adventure, today!
"I'm still at work, Im all dirty, and have to work again tomorrow, so we would have to call it an
early night if we went up. It gives us two, maybe three hours to be up there," I countered.
Kyle accused me of procrastinating, Don't do tomorrow what you can do today, he said,
Seeing Sydney has been on your mind for over a week now, so just go see her!
Eventually Kyle persuaded me. I called Sydney, "Well, Sydney, you just might get what your
wish," I told her.
"You're coming to see me?" Sydney squealed.

"Yeah, I should be there around 7:00 p.m. Meet me at the Boston Pizza parking lot, don't be
late." It was done. I just finalized the plans and set the wheels in motion. (Pun intended.)
***
Kyle and I bickered at eachother the entire drive to Fort Saskatchewan, I knew the quickest way
to Sydney by taking the main highways around Edmonton. By my estimation I was only twenty
minutes away from seeing Sydney. I was about to turn onto highway 16 toward the last stretch to
Fort Saskatchewan but Kyle insisted he knew a better way. I trusted Kyle's judgement and stayed on
the current highway but it started heading back into the north side of Edmonton.
"Kyle this goes back into the fucking city, now we have to wait at five dozen intersections and go
slow city speeds, I stated angrily. At every red light, I was getting more and more irritable. We
were getting stuck in traffic and twenty minutes passed. My route would've had me in Fort
Saskatchewan already but instead I was still trying to fight my way out of the city.
"Okay this lights turning red, gun it! Kyle instructed. I stomped my foot to the gas and flew
through the yellow light just as it turned red. "See," Kyle said.
We finally reached a highway but I didn't know where the hell we were. The only thing I knew
was that I left so that I would've been fifteen minutes early. I was now fifteen minutes late and only
just leaving the city. I tried to keep my road rage suppressed but I was clearly showing it by driving
one-hundred-eighty kilometres per hour down the highway. Kyle kept pointing out that I was mad
and that I should slow down, but I only ignored him and was determined to make up for lost time.
I naturally would not have been so mad but I was worried that Sydney might not wait more than
thirty minutes for me at Boston Pizza. I was also stressed that I only had a few hours to spend with
Sydney and Kyle's forty-five minute detour had cut into almost half of that time.
We eventually reached Fort Saskatchewan, I ripped off the road and swung into a parking stall
outside Boston Pizza. No one was there, I figured that Sydney had gotten tired of waiting and left. I
stepped out of the car and demanded a cigarette from Kyle, he handed me one and I lit it as fast as I
could, inhaling deeply to relieve my stress. Never taking driving directions from you again," I told
Kyle coldly.
Cheer up man, you can make plans with her another time. I dropped my smoke, spun around
and swung my fist at him in anger. He ducked under my swing and I hit nothing but air. I was
angered by his lack of care, he talked me into going, I set a perfect plan in motion, he ruined it and
made my effort for nothing. The way I saw it, he sent me on a wild goose chase and ruined my
chance to get back in touch with the girl I cared about.
Calm down! Kyle shouted, I still got us here, didn't I? I'll even buy you a new pack of
smokes!"
In that moment a truck further down the parking lot started it's engine, it pulled forward down the
lot a few spaces away from Kyle and I. I looked into the truck and saw a scruffy looking man in a
red baseball cap and a brown haired girl sitting in the passenger seat. The two in the truck were
laughing.
"Theres Sydney," I told Kyle. Sydney and her guy friend stepped out of the truck and we walked

toward each other filling the space between our vehicles. Sydney came directly to me giving me a
hug.
Did you just try to hit your friend? Sydney asked while smiling at the sight of me.
"It's an inside joke, I smiled in return,Introductions?"
"This is Matt," Sydney replied. I introduced Kyle and then asked how long Sydney and Matt had
known each other, "Oh, about two weeks. He lives in Fort too," Sydney answered.
I gave Sydney a playful backhanded insult and asked about what happened to her hair since the
last time I saw her. She had bangs that really didn't suit her. Sydney countered with jokes about my
new platinum blonde hair. I thought it looked good but she claimed to think otherwise. After a
volley of conversation back and forth we all agreed that we should go back to Sydney's apartment.
"I don't know how to get there so we'll follow you," I told Sydney and Matt as Kyle and I
returned to the Civic. The truck took off and we followed it down the main road.
I thought about all the times Kyle and I went out to clubs and I was going to give up on a girl but
he pointed out things that I completely missed. Kyle was the guy I could count on for
encouragement to go after what I wanted because his most abundant quality was persuasion.
"Kyle, pick up on whatever signs you can from Sydney, I told him, Im going to try and bring
out some indicators of interest from her." Kyle apologized about his misdirection to Fort
Saskatchewan and admitted that he was wrong. He assured me he would watch Sydney for any
signs and promised me that he was looking out for my best interest.
We followed the truck past a cluster of department stores and fast food restaurants until it pulled
into a large formation of apartment buildings. The truck pulled into a parking spot before one of the
complexes.
Sydney jumped out of the truck and instructed us to park in the visitor parking spaces. I pulled
into a random stall and went to put my foot to the break. I accidentally pressed on the gas and the
car gunned forward mere inches from a newly planted tree. I reacted quick and put the car to a stop
just before it bumped up the curb.
I could see Sydney laughing at me again in the rear view mirror. "Oh man, I must be making a
great impression," I said to Kyle humorously.
Kyle looked at me for half a second and burst into laughter, "Fuck Jordan, lets go!" he replied.
Kyle and I approached Sydney who was waiting with Matt by the entrance of her complex. She
unlocked the lobby door with her key and we followed her into a long, narrow hallway and stood in
front of the elevator as she requested the lift to our floor. The elevator doors opened with a ding and
we stepped inside while Sydney pressed for the third floor. "I had some fun times getting drunk and
passing out in this elevator," Sydney remarked while waiting. The doors opened and we walked
across another hall before Sydney opened the door into her apartment.
Matt sat down on a grey couch that Sydney apparently slept on every night. Kyle pointed out that
it was very squeaky in the middle, "What were you guys doing on that couch?" Kyle said with
humouring accusation. A big guilty smile formed on Sydneys face and her cheeks started to turn a
bright red.
"Yup, Sydneys guilty. Look at her face!" I said being cocky-funny. Sydney turned away trying to

hide her face but she knew the obvious wasn't going away.
"It was only once!" Sydney countered.
"One time makes a couch that squeaky?" Kyle asked, bewildered.
Sydney hid her face again and then revealed it once again to talk, "My sister did things on that
couch too!"
"Or thats the story shes going with," I grinned as I sat down on squeaky grey couch. I bounced
up and down on it for dramatic effect, emphasizing on the squeaks.
Sydney sat down between Matt and I on the couch. Matt started tickling her. Sydney jolted onto
my lap and I held her arms back as Matt tickled her. When Matt had stopped, Sydney didn't seem to
want to move.
"Oh, I have to show you something, Jordan!" Sydney said excitedly while motioning me to
follow her. I followed her into a bedroom leaving Matt and Kyle behind in the living room. She
opened up the bedroom closet showing me several weed plants glowing under a heated lamp.
She then directed me to follow her back out into the living room where she walked up to a small
cage sitting on the living room table. She opened the cage and lifted a big orange snake out of it.
"This is Iggy," she told me as she handed it to me, "all my friends in Nelson are scared of snakes,"
Sydney continued.
I laughed, "All I remember is Nicole being deathly afraid of snakes."
Sydney's face turned to annoyed, "That girl was so immature, she is such a daddy's girl and I bet
she didn't even put out with you." I almost cut in but Sydney cut me off, "Actually, ew! I don't even
want to know what she did with you."
I left it at that, Kyle started to frantically text on his cell phone, he shoved the phone in front of
my face showing his discreet message to me, Matt's hungry and I'm going to convince him to get
food with me which will leave you and Sydney alone. Don't waste the time I open up for you.
Hey Sydney, Kyle brought up. Matt and I are hungry so we're going to go grab some food.
We''ll be right back.
Sydney wasn't phased by the turn of events. In fact she seemed pleased that she and I would be
left alone together. Sydney showed me her balcony and left the slide door wide open as she offered
me one of her smokes.
"Okay, we're going now," Kyle said as he came up behind us and locked the balcony door on us.
"Hey!" Sydney shouted as we watched Kyle and Matt put their shoes on and leave the apartment.
Moments later, we saw them speed away down the road in Matt's truck. Kyle was a fucking
relentless and brilliant matchmaker.
"I guess we're going to be here for a while," I said to Sydney trying to hide my smirk over Kyle's
display.
Sydney and I were trapped out on her balcony for almost an hour. It was the perfect hour to get
out personal feelings and not be able to escape eachother. We started to talk about the night that I
chose Nicole over her.
She asked me what was special about our first kiss, the only one time I ever kissed her was along

with the five other girls in the same night. I avoided the topic knowing that I could never give her
the answer she was looking for.
She gave up digging for answers and we ended up talking about my fight with Brent leading to
my suspension. I recognized that all of it was just mere small talk. I decided to take the risk and talk
about something that mattered. "I should've chose you, Sydney, instead of Nicole, it was the
stupidest decision I could have made. Choosing Nicole only gave me drama, it lead to the fling with
Melissa and the bullshit with Trevor, which lead to the fight with Brent, which eventually lead to
Kendra taking an interest in me and then sending Konrad to my house to threaten me and then
finally...my car accident. It was a huge chain reaction leading to my demise. My life might've been
so much more different if I had chose you."
Sydney's eyes were glued to mine, she didn't blink once. "Well," Sydney said softly, "shit's
fucked."
"It sure is," I replied, "you know, I have to go when Kyle gets back. I work in the morning."
"No!" Sydney demanded, "Stay. You can stay the night here."
"Why do you want me to stay so bad?" I asked her.
"We haven't seen each other in a long time, we still have lots of catching up to do," she told me.
"It hasn't been that long, you stopped talking to me shortly after Nicole, so why do you want to
be friends with me now, all of a sudden?" I asked.
"Because people don't hate you here, everyone is off my case about being friends with you now."
"So you do whatever people tell you to do just to make them happy?" I asked with underlying
cynicism.
Sydney became very quiet. She knew what I asked was true and didn't want to admit it. Sydney
and I managed to get the balcony door open and went inside. I texted Kyle and told him some of the
signs I was seeing from Sydney.
"She wants you, don't leave tonight. Hold it out and see where it goes," Kyle texted in reply.
"How do you know?" I asked him. I easily recognized the signs too but I need the reassurance
that Kyle was so used to giving me.
"If she didn't want you she wouldn't have purposely thrown herself into your arms when Matt
was tickling her and she wouldn't be trying to stop you from leaving," Kyle replied. Sydney and I
talked for moments more until my phone started buzzing with yet another text from Kyle. "Jordan,
you and Sydney should come over here. I told Matt that I was trying to hook you two up and now
he's flipping shit. Hes got a problem with you all of a sudden."
"Sydney," I asked, "do you know why Matt would be flipping out right now?"
"Oh," Sydney said, "He's probably mad because you're alone with me, he's got a bit of a thing for
me."
"I noticed," I replied, "we should go to McDonalds. Kyle doesn't want to be dealing with him
right now.
"Okay," Sydney agreed.
We left the apartment building and drove out to McDonalds to find Kyle and Matt. Kyle was

sitting on a bench away from Matt's truck and I could see the figure of Matt in the driver's seat. I
parked beside Matt. Sydney looked out the window and was about to open the door but hesitated.
Sydney let out a big sigh,"I don't want to go out there but I have to," she explained.
I nodded and she got out of the car. I got out and Kyle came to meet me, I brought up that I was
hooking you and Sydney up. I didn't know he had the hot's for her. He got pissed off, really pissed
off. Kyle explained.
After waiting about five minutes Sydney came out of the truck and approached me, "Everything
is fine now," she assured.
"Well, Kyle and I are going to take off." I told her.
Sydney walked up close to me and gave me a hug.
"Kiss goodbye?" I said to her pointing to my lips.
Sydney shook her head and then Kyle spoke up.
"Oh come on, it's obvious you want him!" Kyle said loudly.
Sydneys expression changed to seriousness and she spoke to Kyle, "It's not going to happen,"
then she looked to me, "Jordan, you should know better," she said in a definite tone.
It was just about final and we were all ready to go. After hearing Sydney's conclusion, I felt that
there was no point in staying and no point in seeing Sydney ever again.
"Ah fuck. I forgot my cigarettes at your place, Sydney, Kyle remembered, Can we come back
and get them?" He asked.
"Sure," Sydney replied.
"Drive with me again?" I asked.
Sydney answered with another sure and jumped in my car. Kyle looked at me confused. Sydney
told Kyle that after talking to Matt, he was now okay. Kyle surprisingly got back into the truck with
Matt and they drove off. I knew Kyle was a true friend after seeing all the sacrifices he made for my
own benefit. Matt drove down the highway and I followed but Sydney asked me to take a scenic
route that was longer, I wondered if she was trying to buy more time with me. By the way Sydney
reacted to Kyle and I a moment ago I thought it was perfectly clear she was only interested in being
friends. We casually talked on the way back to her apartment and she asked me what I thought of
her.
I don't know, you're different from when I knew you in B.C. I see a lot of the same traits and a
lot of new traits in you.
Like what? Sydney asked.
I might tell you one day.
Fuck that, you tell me right now.
Sorry Sydney, but as far as I'm concerned I may never see you again, so that's that.
Fucking seriously? But why? It better not be over a stupid kiss.
I'm just really busy, I have a lot going for me. I really only have time for work and not much
else, I lied.

You're a good friend of mine. I care about you and I've been really excited that you've been
going places. Are you sure you can't stay the night? We still have so much to talk about, she
pleaded.
Matt was parked in the resident parking stall. Kyle got out of the truck and was waving his arms
sarcastically for help. I parked in the visitor stall and Sydney slightly opened the car door before she
said her goodbye.
"You know, it's still not too late to give me that kiss goodbye," I told her.
"You should know better," she said in exactly the same way as before and stepped out.
Kyle jumped into my car a moment later. I asked him if he was getting his smokes; turned out he
had them all along. He was simply buying me more time for Sydney because he truly believed she
liked me.
"So?" Kyle asked.
"It didn't go anywhere," I told him as I shifted the car into reverse and left Fort Saskatchewan,
She's only interested in being friends.
You don't know that. Just give her some time to think about her night with you.
I pulled onto Kyle's anchorage, dropped him off, then drove myself home in disappointment.

Chapter 9
A Fire Ignited

Sydney called me the day after and asked me to make arrangements on my day off. I was going
to see her on the weekend and she told me I could stay the night at her place. She called our plans a
date. I called Sydney the day of our plans to confirm some last minute details.
"Hello?"
"Hey Sydney, it's Jordan. Are you bringing anyone with us tonight?"
"No, why?"
"Just wondering if I should bring Kyle or not. If it's just you and me I don't really want to bring
him...unless you want me to, of course."
"No, no. Just the two of us is great. We're going to go to a party tonight, okay?"
"Sure, sounds great.
Be here around six."
I'll be there at six.
After my shift, I left to go see Sydney.
Sydney came down from her apartment and invited me inside. Her sister was home this time and
wanted me to meet her. Sydney introduced her older sister named Brittany; she was pretty cute. She
had very dark, medium length hair. She appeared easy going and clearly had a slight motherly
figure over Sydney. Brittany was nearly a splitting image of Sydney except she was a version ten
years older.
Brittany told me where the party was, which was out on some anchorage north of Fort
Saskatchewan."My boyfriend, Dale, is coming to get me so you and Sydney can follow us out
there," she explained.
"Sounds good." I said. I turned to Sydney and asked if she wanted to get some liquor. She
nodded and we left the apartment. I bought a bottle of Jagermister, got a full tank of gas, and by the
time we got back to the apartment, Brittany's ride arrived in an Ford F150. We headed north on the
highway for about twenty minutes until they pulled onto a dirt road.
I kept my distance from the truck because it was flicking rocks at my newly installed
windshield. Brittany's boyfriend flew down the beaten path with no sense to slow down for Sydney
and I. It wasn't long till they disappeared out of sight. It felt like forever that we were driving down
the never ending road. There were no turn offs', no signs, just trees.
"I hate dirt roads, I complained grumpily.
"You're always so serious when you drive," Sydney pointed out.

"I wasn't that serious when we were driving the Matrix in Nelson some time ago."
Sydney thought about it for a second then replied, "No, you were pretty serious, she giggled.
We reminisced of my crazy ex's in high school and she brought up Adam. She was surprised that
I knew Adam and that we were once friends. She was beyond surprised when I told her of the car
accident we'd been in together.
An hour passed and we eventually reached a paved highway, "Thank god! I couldn't stand those
rocks coming up at my windshield, I just got it replaced," I ranted. A guilty smile formed on
Sydneys face. "What?" I asked.
"Don't get too excited, we have to hit another dirt road just up here," Sydney informed me. I
caught up to Brittany and Dale, sure enough, they signalled off the highway onto another dirt road. I
started cursing under my breath.
Twenty minutes later, we turned off onto a meadow to find a large house and several dozen cars
parked out by a mound of pallets, old busted up chairs, a couch, and a table. Some guys in the
distance were getting the bonfire ready and began pouring gasoline over the heap of wood and
debris. I parked the car by a long, white picket fence.
Sydney and I grabbed the Jagermister on the way out of the car. We walked over to the igniting
fire as it engulfed the gasoline soaked wood.
Sydney introduced me to several dozen people and more were showing up by the minute. A
wide, chubby, dark-skinned man ran over and hugged Sydney while lifting her off the ground.
Mexico! Sydney shouted, I haven't seen you in forever.
Yeah, I came back for the Summer, he replied.
No one can pronounce my name so everyone calls me Mexico, Mexico told me after Sydney
introduced us. Mexico was one of the friendliest guys I had ever met; he was like a giant teddy bear.
A girl that looked a lot like Bella from the Twilight Saga (Kristen Stewart) came up behind
Sydney and tapped her on the shoulder. Sydney turned around and a concerned look flickered
across her face. Jordan, is it okay if I leave you alone for a while. We really need to talk, Sydney
asked me. I nodded. Sydney and the mysterious girl walked to the tree line.
Uh oh, the other Sydney is here,Mexico stated, That girl is also Sydney; they have a big
history and a lot of drama went down between them before your Sydney moved to B.C.
Nightfall approached fast and I was enjoying myself. Most of the men out there were rednecks,
but likeable rednecks. Most of the girls had a country appeal and that wasn't necessarily a bad thing
either.
Sydney and Sydney were still talking. I could tears coming from the Bella-looking Sydney; I
wondered what was going on between them.
I did my thing among the crowd. Everyone there was talkative, easy to relate to, and fairly drunk.
I sat down beside one brunette on a log and made small talk with her. I noticed a notebook in her
arms and asked what it was for. She opened it up showing me sketches and drawing she'd done. She
related to me, calling both of us artists, "You were on So You Think You Can Dance right? she
asked.
"Uh, yeah," I chuckled, "how did you know?

"Oh, it's just what a lot of people are saying," she replied. I looked around and I felt flattered. I
didn't know anyone but I already had peer approval working for me. I figured Sydney and her sister
had been talking to people and telling them about me. I was that interesting city-boy living the
dream to most of these people.
Twenty minutes later, Sydney spotted me and she came over to ask how I was doing. "Pretty
good," I told her, "I like the people here." Sydney smiled and asked me to follow her. I got up and
started walking across the field with her. The massive fire no longer illuminated us and the laughter
from the crowd by the fire became faint in the distance. I looked up at the sky to find it sparkling
with stars; the sight was so serene. I had never seen the stars with such clarity without all the light
pollution of the city.
Sydney and I reached the white picket fence by my car and leaned on it. Sydney started naming
clusters of stars and pointing things out to me. "I didn't know you were into astrology," I stated,
impressed.
"Yup," she replied and stood quietly. She was gazing up at the sky, taking in the beauty as I was.
Sydney climbed over the fence and I followed her over. I unlocked my car and we jumped in,
taking more shots of liquor and getting notably intoxicated.
Sydney pulled my iPod out of the glove compartment and began going through songs, "I love Lil
Wayne," she told me as started playing a Lil Wayne song on my iPod. Mrs Officer (feat Bobby
Valentino) began softly playing from my speakers.
"He's actually coming to Edmonton in two weeks and Im going," I told her.
Sydney began blushing,"Oh my god, just the thought of seeing Lil Wayne."
"I could take you," I told her.
"Really?" she asked as she leaned her head back against the seat and looked deeply into my eyes.
Her face was very close to mine but I looked away. I glanced back over to Sydney and her head was
still leaning against the seat. It almost seemed like she was inviting me kiss her but I was confused
by her previous signals. Our faces were only a few inches from each other and I glanced at her lips.
In the impulse of a decision, I slightly leaned forward and kissed her. I pulled back to see her
reaction and she only had a cute smile on her face. I leaned back in and pressed my lips against hers
once again; she started kissing me more intimately and I put my hand on the side of her face. Her
hands came over my shoulders and I began kissing her neck. She started grabbing onto me more
tightly and started biting my neck. It was almost as if she was waiting for it to happen and all her
sexual tension had built up inside her.
"You're intense!" Sydney exclaimed grabbing onto me tighter than before.
My curiosity intervened and I pulled away for a moment. "Sydney," I said.
"Jordan," she replied smiling.
"I didn't quite understand something you said to me the other night. You told me that I should
know better. Just how exactly should I know better?" I asked.
"Just...you should," she replied softly. Sydney ran her right hand threw my hair while she began
kissing me again. She stopped every couple minutes to look out the window to make sure no one
saw us. She didn't want people knowing that she was kissing me because people already suspected

we were more than friends when she denied it. I subtly placed my hand under her shirt, feeling her
slender body. I ran my hand back down to her waist line and I popped the button on her jeans.
Sydney stopped kissing for a moment, "No, not in a car," she demanded.
I paused momentarily. "Do you want to get out here?" I asked.
"Not yet, Im having fun," she replied.

Sydney & I

We got out of the car to enjoy the rest of the party. We returned to the fire where Brittany and
Dale were talking, passing a bottle of whiskey between eachother. We greeted them and Brittany
pulled Sydney away demanding that she meet someone. Sydney and Brittany walked off toward the
house in the distance and left me alone with Dale. He asked what I had going on between the two
girls. I explained that Sydney and I had just started a fling and I've gotten to know Brittany as a
result of that.
You have too much confidence with women, he told me and started on his own philosophy
about women, "Younger girls like Sydney don't want nothing but sex and easy hook ups. They don't
want to settle down or have a relationship until they're at least thirty. Don't get attached to either of
them," he advised.
"Don't worry about it, I've handled Sydney before," I told Dale.

"See, way too much confidence with women," he replied. Dale pulled a small bag of white
powder from his pocket and offered me cocaine. I turned it down and went to go find Sydney and
Brittany. I looked back and saw that Dale dipped his car key into the bag and sniffed it.
As I approached the house, I found Sydney sitting on the porch looking upset. I sat down beside
her and asked her what was wrong. "Im fine," she kept insisting. After some persistence, I got her
to open up. "Mitchell yelled at me, he told me fuck off. He said, 'Sydney, get the fuck out of my
way. I'm busy right now.' I've known him for years and he's never talked to me like that."
I thought about it for a moment. "Theres way too much drama in Fort," I told Sydney. She
agreed and we went back to my car and ended up kissing more. After ten minutes of intimacy, we
left the car again and entered the house. We walked in on Brittany and Dale having a big fight, they
were yelling at each other until Dale stormed outside, got in his vehicle and was about to take off.
Sydney ran out to go talk to him. Brittany looked at me with a concerned look,. "Jordan, can you
please go with her. Dale isn't himself right now and I don't want Sydney getting dragged into this.
I understood what the fight was about; witnessing Dale snort coke and Brittany saying he wasn't
himself, it wasn't hard to put two and two together. I went outside and followed Sydney to Dale's
truck, I stopped her before she reached him. "Sydney! Don't get in the middle of this, this isn't your
drama." I told her with authority.
"No, Jordan. This is what I do, I work things out," she told me in a tenseful voice. She spun
around and headed for Dale's truck again.
"Sydney!" I yelled. She ignored me and ran up to Dale. Dale began raising his voice and I
walked up behind Sydney standing aside, ready to protect her if I needed to. Dale was shouting
about how Brittany didn't care about him, I intervened and tried coming up with a solution. Dale
appeared to be taking in what I had to say.
"But Jordan, do you understand where Im coming from, man?" he asked.
I do, but this doesn't necessarily mean it's over. You're both caught up in the moment and not
thinking clearly. I think you should go home, let Brittany cool off, and talk to her in the morning," I
advised.
"No," Dale replied. "There is no talking to her after this, but you're a good guy. I'd have your
back anytime."
Sydney gave me the odd dirty look, she almost appeared jealous that Dale was listening to me
over her when she had known him far longer. Eventually Dale had enough, jumped into his truck
and went home.
"Jordan, can you take Brittany home too? She has no way home except for us now." Sydney
asked. I was okay with it.
Afterword, Sydney introduced me to the man she considered her brother, Mitchell. She
considered him her big brother because he had always been there for her when she was really
young, I found Mitchell to be a cool guy, his personality was was easy going and friendly.
Cool, he said after the introduction, if Sydney likes you than you have my respect, while
placing his hand on my shoulder, You want a beer? I got a tons in the back of my truck.
Sure, I replied willing to do some male bonding. Sydney said she was going to go check on her
sister and make sure she was okay after the incident with Dale. Mitch and I walked over to his truck

nearby and he tossed me a Budweiser.

Thanks. How come Sydney was upset about you earlier? I asked, I'm not judging, just
curious.
Oh, He laughed, I was trying to get with this girl I've been after for months. I was this close to
getting her to kiss me! he gestured with his fingers, but Sydney comes jumping in right between
us and bombards me with questions. I was so frustrated.
With Mitchell, I learned that Sydney and Dale had a romantic history before she had gone to
British Columbia. Dale was twenty, and Sydney only fifteen-years-old when they became involved.
I was disgusted by the thought.
After hanging out with Mitch, I felt like I was starting to get tired and wanted to leave. I looked
for Sydney but she was nowhere to be found. I checked the bonfire that had become isolated, I
checked inside the house and she wasn't there. I wondered around approaching groups of people to
see if Sydney was there but had no luck. I spent more than an hour searching for her.
I decided to leave without her or Brittany. I started my car hoping that Sydney was somewhere in
the distance and that she would see that my headlights were on. I started to get pissed and began
blaring music in my car. I put the car into drive but shifted it back into park, I had just realized that I
didn't know the way back. I had a vague idea but since we took many back roads to get there, I
didn't feel confident that I could find my way back without getting lost.
I got out of the car again to look for Sydney and Brittany. I went inside the house again, many
people had passed out on the couches and floor of the living room. I searched all areas of the house
and was just about to leave when a weathered-looking man asked if me if I was Jordan. His face
was full of scars and wrinkles, yet he was young.
Depends, I replied to his question.
It's totally you, I can tell. Sydney told me you were on So You Think You Can Dance. Can you
show us some moves? he asked out loud. A group of people within the living room drew their
attention toward me.
I guess you got me, yeah, it's me, I'd love to show you some moves but I need to find Sydney.
A girl sitting on the couch spoke up, Sydney is upstairs, but you shouldn't go up there, she's
kind of having sex.
What? I scoffed, Where is she? My heart dropped, it didn't seem unlikely that Sydney would
be all over me and then would be fucking someone else an hour later; it would explain why she
disappeared.
I'll show you which room but I'm not going in there, the girl offered as she got up from the
couch and led me upstairs. The girl pointed to the first door on the right of the hallway. I opened the
door up and saw two half naked people mauling each other. I realized it was the other Bella-looking
Sydney I saw earlier. I exhaled with some relief and shut the door before going back downstairs.
Everyone was looking at me when I came back down the stairs, Wrong Sydney! I laughed.
Does anyone know where the other one is?
Oh, you mean Sydney Blandin. I have no idea, the same girl replied innocently.
The man that asked me to dance approached again, Hey, I saw Sydney earlier by the bonfire if

that helps.
She's not there anymore, I checked more than once.
Oh well, I'm Harley by the way. Harley David Boom, like the motorcycle. Want to see? he
asked while pulling out his drivers license. Sure enough his name was Harley David. I like you,
he said, you seem like the kind of guy you can trust and fights for what he believes in. I swore
Harley was on something but I humoured him. I can help you find a spot to crash, you look tired,
he told me.
No, I replied, I think I'm just going to get out of here. I was suppose to give Sydney a ride
back to Fort Saskatchewan but I've been looking for her for more than an hour.
Oh man, how much have you had to drink tonight? You're drunk, I can tell. Don't do it, Jordan.
Trust me, it's a weekend and the cops probably have road blocks set up all over the place. Just stay
the night, go home when you're sober, you'll thank yourself for it, I swear.
I looked at him oddly, I appreciate the concern but I really should get out of here.
Hey look, I know you probably think I'm some weird guy you don't even know, but I have a
feeling that you're a cool guy and we're going to be friends in the near future. Sydney says good
things about you so you're probably going to be one of us before you know it. We just met and I feel
like I should know you, we're going to see eachother again sooner than you think.
I continued to humor Harley and eventually left the house, it was nearing 4:00 am, and I decided
to just sleep in my car and hopefully Sydney or Brittany would turn up in the morning. I closed my
eyes started to drift asleep until I started to hear a great deal of commotion happening from outside
the car, I got out to take a look. Sydney was standing by a big crowd of people that were screaming
and shouting. I could hear grunts of pain and screams coming from behind the crowd, I walked over
to find Mitchell and a large bald man taking swings at each other. Mitchells shirt was ripped up and
hanging off his body, his back was covered in gashes and blood. Mitchell was swinging his fists at
his opponent furiously. Mitchell's enemy knocked a good swing to Mitchell's face and he fell back.
Mitchell shot back up fast and grabbed his opponent as they ran into the white picket fence
smashing right through leaving a large hole. They were beating the hell out of eachother on the
ground in a pile of debris and broken wood. The grunts of pain and exertion ended, Mitchell lost.
Mitchell was laying against the fence in a bloody mess.
Sydney and I walked over to assess the damage. Mitchell had a small piece of wood sticking into
part of his eyelid and another in his eyebrow. Blood was running down from his pure bloodshot eye
and it didn't look good. He laid on the ground breathing heavily. Sydney tried to talk to him but he
could barely get a word out.
Sydney looked to me and said, "Fuck it, this is too much for me, I need to get out of here now!
Jordan, please just take me home," she demanded eagerly.
"Alright, lets go," I agreed. Sydney and I didn't say a word to each other all the way to the car. I
started the engine and drove out onto the gravel road.
"I don't know how to get back to Fort from here," I told Sydney.
"Neither do I," she replied.
"We'll figure it out, I assured her. We made it back to the paved highway but I couldn't find the
back road we took earlier so I continued down the highway.

Sydney put on the song Mrs Officer (feat Bobby Valentino) by Lil Wayne again. "I like this
song," I told her, "you got me hooked on it after the moment we had earlier. Got some good
memories attached to it now."
Sydney giggled. After an hour of driving we eventually found our way back to Fort
Saskatchewan.
When we walked to the lobby, Sydney realized that her sister had the key to the apartment.
"Fuck, we're locked out!" Sydney said angrily. Sydney ended up calling the landlord from the
buzzer and he came out to let us into the apartment. Daylight was visible in the distance by the time
we got inside, Sydney closed her curtains and went into the bathroom to change into her pyjamas. I
lit up a smoke while waiting for her until I heard a shout come from the bathroom, "JORDAN!"
"What?" I asked, bewildered.
Sydneys voice returned, "Why is my button undone?" she shouted in shock.
She must not have remembered me doing that, I burst out laughing but tried to keep it down so
that Sydney couldn't hear me. I started to get really tired and laid my head upon Sydneys pillow
and closed my eyes.
Sydney came back out with her pyjamas on and sat down on the couch beside me. "Wake up!"
she said shaking me. I opened my eyes and she leaned over and kissed me. I pulled her body closer
to me and she climbed on top of me. Her hands were all over my body and mine were all over hers.
She slid her hands underneath my shirt, rolled off me into the corner of the couch and made me go
on top of her. I pulled her shirt up and slid my hand under her bra. She had very warm, perky
breasts. I moved my mouth down to her chest and began kissing her breasts. Sydney let off a subtle
moan and wrapped her legs around me. She pressed her hands up against my chest and brushed one
down my body to my pants. She pulled on my jeans and then slid her hand down grabbing my cock,
then she pulled her hand away. "I can't do this, I would love to, I really, really would, but I can't,"
Sydney complained. But she remained running her hands across my body and pulling me closer to
her. She continued to kiss me and continued to let off subtle moans as I pushed up against her. She
wouldn't let me go down her pants so I placed my hand between her legs and began rubbing her
through her pyjamas. She began moaning even louder and could feel how wet she was through her
clothing.
"I can't imagine how bad you want this right now. It's probably been a while since you had sex,"
I whispered into her ear.
"Urgh, Jordan. You're teasing me so bad right now. Stop making me want it, you're way too
tempting," Sydney whispered back.
"Good," I replied.
We continued having dry sex for at least thirty fucking minutes but she wouldn't give in. I
eventually gave up and went to go sleep on another couch. I was disappointed, I want to fuck her
and I know she wanted it too but for some reason she wouldn't let herself. It was anti-slut defense
and if I had kept escalating she may have given in. Sydney followed me to the couch and laid down
on top of me. She fell asleep in my arms, I kissed her once more while she was fast asleep and I
drifted into a somber.

Chapter 10
Compromised

I woke up with Sydney in my arms, her arms were pinned around my chest and I was extremely
uncomfortable. I tried to move a little but couldn't budge without moving Sydney around too much.
I carefully reached over her and picked up her wrist trying to move it closer to her body. Then I
reached for her other arm but Sydney started moving half asleep. I took the moment to squeeze out
from underneath her. Sydney's arms clutched a nearby blanket and she remained in her somber.
I sat down on another couch opposite of the room and stared at her for a couple minutes in deep
thought. I knew I had to be careful with her, she knew how to play and manipulate people. I needed
to tread carefully.
My instincts and gut feeling told me that bad times were coming; that feeling was connected to
Sydney. I suspected that she may try to play me or try to get something from me. I just didn't know
what, if anything at all. She hadn't shown any signs of it; it appeared she had a genuine interest in
me. Feelings were developing for her and that made me vulnerable for the first time since I had
become an Albertan.
Something inside myself told me not to trust Sydney without collateral. It was cold but I felt it
was reasonable. Perhaps I was over-anaylizing the situation because before last night I only wanted
to sleep with her, but now I wanted a relationship with her.
The decision between Nicole and Sydney was like a flesh wound that never fully healed. A once
closed door had now opened up to me once again; I let my curiosity and slight attachment for
feelings of the past get the better of me.
Sydney woke up and I brought her a glass of water, "Here, you don't want a hangover to kick in,"
I told her.
She took the glass of water, "Oh god, I really hope I don't have a hangover." Sydney felt fine at
the moment and started acting a little more lively after she'd woken up from her daze.
I needed to know if Sydneys actions last night were purely hers or the alcohol influencing her. I
kissed her once again, she kissed me back; they were hers.
Things sexually escalated again and she went as she did the previous night, she still wouldn't let
me get past her pants. That was when I noticed the first sign of a trap, if my intuition happened to
be right, then she was feeding the fire just enough to keep it from burning out. It was the cat string
theory at work, dangle a string in front of a cat and it will pursue it, but if you give it the string, it
may paw it a couple times and lose interest.
Brittany came through the door and found us together on the couch, "What the hell you guys,
you left without me!" Brittany stammered.

"We looked for you but couldn't find you. I told you we were leaving soon like three times,
Brittany!" Sydney exclaimed.
I didn't believe anything interesting was going to happen for a while so I decided to leave. I made
arrangements with Sydney for the next weekend to pick her up and take her to an amusement park
at West Edmonton Mall. It was a date.

***
I drove back to Fort Saskatchewan, texted Sydney, and told her that I was there. Sydney came
down while she was on the phone, after getting off she told me that it was Mitchell and he was
stopping by. Sydney asked me if we could wait fifteen minutes before leaving because she needed
to slap Mitchell across the face for getting in yet another fight that morning.
"He's crazy," I laughed, I thought he would've been out of commission for a long time after that
fight at the acreage.
Sydney looked at me unhappily, not knowing what to think about it.
Mitchell arrived. Sydney shouted at him as she raised her hand and smacked him across the face.
I walked over and Mitchell gave me a welcoming smile. At least he remembered me I thought to
myself. "How you feeling, man?" I laughed.
"Great!" he replied. Mitchell had a black eye the size of an apple, his face was covered in cuts,
and he was acting like life was never better. He was relentless.
Mitch went to see Brittany while Sydney and I departed. I drove back to Edmonton and arrived
at West Edmonton Mall. I parked outside the Casino Entrance next to a staircase with yellow
railings.
Sydney and I went inside the mall to amusement park, checking out the roller coaster. Sydney
was freaking out as she gazed upon the towering loops and drops. "I thought you were a tough girl,"
I teased as she playfully tried sneaking away. We didn't spend a lot of time there and began trying to
figure out something fun to do. We went to check out cinema listings, glow in the dark mini golf,
and how much Lil Wayne tickets were. Sydney seemed to be very picky that day and didn't want to
agree on much.
I went to my favorite clothing store and saw a stylish black, long sleeve, button up shirt. I tried it
on, "How does it look? Good?" I asked Sydney hoping for an honest opinion.
"It looks good," she confirmed.
"Okay, Im buying it," I told her as I began walking towards the purchase counter.
"You spend your money too much," Sydney observed.
"I make too much money," I replied in a cocky manner.
It was hot in the mall and I wanted to leave my hoody and new purchase in the car.
Hold on! Sydney stopped me eagerly, I want to check out this store. Sydney stepped into a
women's clothing store but didn't seem to be interested in anything inside. She paced around the

store aggressively texting on her phone for ten minutes.

We'll come back, Sydney. I don't want to keep carrying this stuff around.
Okay, I just need to go to the washroom first, she replied. Sydney took forever in the
washroom and I started to get irritated. She was acting very indifferent and was paying more
attention to her phone than me.
Okay, I'm done now, Sydney said as she came out of the washroom. On the way to the car she
said the most bizarre thing to me, "Wouldn't it be funny if you're car got stolen and I got to see you
freak out," Sydney implied jokingly.
I didn't answer her. I wondered why she would make a joke like that, it was out of place.
We walked outside into the parking lot and when I arrived at my row, I couldn't see my car.
"Okay, where did it go?" I asked Sydney. Sydney didn't reply because she was realizing the irony of
her joke, if it was irony at all. Sydney and I walked across the row of vehicles twice. "Okay, I know
I was parked right there!" I said pointing to the parking stall beside the yellow railed staircase. Do
you remember me parking there too?" I asked Sydney raising my voice.
Yes I do!" Sydney said in a worried tone.
"For a fact?" I asked.
"Yeah, you were parked right there," Sydney replied.
"Fuck!" I shouted. I tried to keep my cool and act as if the car thing wasn't getting to me too
much. Sydney and I both sat down on the staircase. I pulled out my phone, "I'm reporting it," I told
her.
"Urgh, I really don't want to have to deal with cops today," Sydney complained, "Don't worry
about it, it wasn't a very good car anyway.
I glared at her for a moment. My car had just been stolen and she didn't want me to report it, she
was definitely fucking suspicious. I dialed 911 into my phone and spoke to an officer, "Hi, I believe
my vehicle was just stolen." The officer collected my information and listed my vehicle as stolen in
their database and that was that. That was normally how it worked with stolen vehicles.
"Fuck!" I shouted again, "I just bought that car and sank $2000 into it fixing it up!
Sydney tried to cheer me up a little, "Hey Jordan, I'll go on the roller coaster if you want."
I shook my head, Fuck that, the day's over.
"Hm, you can fight me!" Sydney exclaimed.
"No, I can't fucking believe this." I started laughing cynically.
"Why won't you fight me?" Sydney asked in a cute voice.
Because I really like you, I care about you.
I put my hand against her face and kissed her. She barely kissed me back and pulled away. I tried
again five minutes later but Sydney appeared to be completely disinterested in me.
"So, how did you manage to make a joke about my car being stolen only moments before it
was?" I asked Sydney, my suspicion increasing when she would no longer kiss me.
"I don't know," Sydney replied, "I just had a feeling. Oh fuck, I don't have a way back to Fort

now!"
She called Dale and he agreed to pick her up, he was going to be there in five minutes. Another
tick went off in my head, he lived in Fort Saskatchewan but just happened to be five minutes away
after my car had been stolen.
"Can I crash at your place for the night?" I asked Sydney. I could really use someone to hang
out with tonight. I intended to go back to Fort Saskatchewan with Sydney to investigate. I thought
I'd get her drunk and see if she let something about my car slip.
Sydney said it wasn't a good idea but I insisted. She thought about it for a minute and nodded,
Okay, you can stay the night. You have to sleep on your own couch though."
I was conflicted, I was more than suspicious that Sydney had something to do with my car
disappearing and it seemed she had lost interest for me in almost an instant. I just developed
moderately prominent feelings for her and the pull away was unnerving.
In spite, I began acting as if I was disinterested in Sydney as well. I needed her to feel the pull
away and then want to fight for my attention. I knew I had the conviction to swap sides of the
playing field with her, and then I was going to take her down for my car and everyone who helped
her.
Dale arrived in a rusty, white van. Harley David Boom was there with a handful of people who
were not yet known to me. I put my seat belt on and Dale pulled his van off the mall lot and onto
the road. Harley looked back at me from the front passenger seat, "You're having a bad day, arent
you buddy?"
"Somewhat, I mumbled. Dale rolled a joint while driving, took a puff and then handed it to me.
"Here," Dale said, "you look like you need this right now." I wasn't a drug user but I took the joint
and inhaled in hope that it would calm my nerves. It didn't.
The evidence was piling up by the second. Sydney never mentioned that my car was stolen when
she spoke on the phone with them. I was standing by her for the whole conversation. It was
completely implausible for them to know I was having any kind of bad day unless Sydney told them
before the discovery. I had to remain incognito, and rip this scheme apart from the inside.
We drove for about forty minutes reaching the outer city limits of Fort Saskatchewan. We
suddenly heard a rumbling coming from the back of the van. Dale looked out the rear view mirror
and yelled, "Oh shit!" as he pulled onto the side of the road. Everyone piled out of the car to look at
the flat tire.
We sat on the side of the highway for half an hour. Sydney didn't so much as look at me for that
thirty minute period and I decided not to attempt talking to her until she had done so first. Both of
us had started a childish two-way silent treatment. I closed my eyes and paid attention to only the
soothing winds blowing around me. Be patient, wait this out, observe everything, and answers will
come, I thought to myself. Dale finally made the judgement call to make a long walk back to his
place to get a jack and spare tire. We walked for over two hours until we reached Dale's weathered
house.
When we had arrived, Sydney called Brittany asking is she knew anyone that could pick her up.
Mitch is still here, he can come get you. I could hear Brittany say on the other end.
That would be great, Sydney replied, And I guess Jordan is coming too.

That's fine, Brittany said.

Dale spread some cocaine down on his disgusting coffee table and snorted a line off it. Sydney
asked to go use Dale's washroom and walked out of the room.
You know you're getting my sloppy seconds, right? Dale told me after she left.
I heard, I said coldly.
That girl is fucking touchy. She could never keep her hands to herself, he snickered.
I started to feel sick thinking about her and Dale together. I didn't know her standards used to be
so low, they definitely improved with me, I said in a bitter stab at him.
Dale's face turned red with anger and then he spontaneously jumped over the table at me. He
grabbed the collar of my shirt and then got pulled away by Harley. He didn't mean it man, he didn't
mean it, just calm down, Harley reasoned.
Get him the fuck out of my house! Dale shouted violently.
I walked out his house surprised and threatened by the violent outburst he had toward me. I sat
down on the sidewalk curb and waited for Sydney to hopefully come out for me.
Sydney came out of the house and stood behind me with arms crossed, What the hell did you
do? she asked accusingly.
Just struck a nerve, I replied.
Sydney sat down beside me and let out a big sigh, It's been a fucked up day.
It has, I agreed cynically.
Dale and Harley left the house and walked down the street carrying a jack and spare tire.
Sydney and I awkwardly sat beside eachother for what seemed like an eternity. Mitchell showed
up in his truck and took us back to the apartment. When we had arrived, Brittany was standing in
the kitchen holding her phone with a devastated look on her face. "Um, she hesitated, when
Harley and Dale went to go switch the tire...apparently the jack failed and the van fell on Harley's
head. Dale says it's really bad and their's an ambulance coming to get him.
"Oh no, you've got to be fucking kidding me," I reacted.
"Wow, today is bad luck day." Sydney said in a calm tone. It appeared that she barely cared at all.
I noticed a certain mindset in the people of Fort Saskatchewan; so much happened there that it was
all routine for everyone; they didn't show empathy as most people did. When something happened,
they acknowledged it and continued on as they were.
I knew Sydney was putting up some sort of guise, using me to achieve some objective that I
couldn't figure out. She had what she wanted and quite honestly, I was baffled that I made it this far
into enemy lines. Perhaps they were using the ploy of friendship to mask themselves as suspects.
No matter what the answer was, I was declaring psychological warfare on Sydney.

Chapter 11
Undertaking

Mitch and Brittany had left the apartment on a date, it seemed they were developing affection for
each other. Sydney still seemed distant, she sat down on the balcony and started playing music on
her iPod while watching the sun set over the horizon.
"What are you thinking about?" I asked Sydney in a friendly tone.
"Nothing," she replied coldly.
We're not going to let 'bad luck day' ruin our evening are we?"
"I don't know," she replied in the same cold voice.
"I think Sydney needs some liquor, then she'll be having fun and she'll be back to her cheery
self," I said in a playful voice.
"We're going to get liquor?" Sydney asked as some life returned to her.
We left the apartment and headed for the liqour store. Sydney had started acting warm toward me
again but halfway during the walk, something triggered her back to the cold and detached mood.
She remained quiet for a short duration and then finally let me know what was on her mind.
"You know, you shouldn't care about me so much," Sydney warned.
"Why's that?" I asked curiously.
"If you knew what I was up to, you wouldn't be doing this for me right now."
"Im well aware of what you're up to, Sydney. I figured it out quite a while ago."
"I doubt that," Sydney countered, "My set up is still working on you."
"Trust me, it's not."
"Then why are you still doing this for me," Sydney asked challengingly, "You know, if Dylan
ever came to visit me, I would choose him over you in a second."
"Dylan is not here. Dylan is irrelevant."
Dylan was her ex that she left behind in Nelson.
"You can't win me anymore, Jordan. I already got what I wanted out of you."
"And what would that be?"
"Im not telling you. You'll never guess it either, it is so insignificant it wouldn't even cross your
mind." Sydney told me.
This was perhaps the only thing Sydney ever said to me that got under my nerves. She may have
gotten what she wanted out of me but she still wanted more, she still needed something from me

otherwise we wouldn't still be in each other's presence. Everything she said confirmed all my
beliefs; she was in fact trying to game me. I knew to be careful of her and it paid off; I had already
done everything I needed as a precaution. I caught myself when I realized I was developing feelings
for her and made myself ready to break everything off with no emotional impact.
"I know what it is. Like I said, I figured you out before I even came to first see you."
"Then what is it, Jordan? What did I get from you?"
It can be only one of two things: one would really piss me off, and the other, you're right, it's
insignificant."
Sydney asked me again what it was. I ignored her. If I was wrong, it would satisfy her. Even
though I had a pretty good idea of what it was, it was better to let her wonder.
We reached the liquor store and I bought a bottle of Jack Daniels. Sydney once told me she loved
Jack Daniels and drank it every weekend for a whole summer. I teased her with her favorite liquor
concealed in the brown paper bag, not telling her what it was. I eventually let her have the bag after
irritating her for several minutes. A shock of joy swiftly overtook Sydneys expression as she saw
what I bought. When we got back to Sydneys apartment, she pulled out a deck of cards.
We should play a drinking game, she said excitedly.
Let's play Sociables, I recommended.
Sydney agreed to Sociables and I wrote down the rules on a piece of paper. Sydney grabbed two
shot glasses from the cupboard and laid them down. I instructed Sydney to spread the cards across
the table and then explained the rules to her.
Sydney and I had begun the game, I drew first and looked at my card. Three, drink one and give
two, thats two to you, Sydney.
Urgh, Sydney grunted as she poured herself two shots of Jack Daniels, then drew. Piss card!
Yay!
I reached into the pile and pulled out a drink one. Fuck, Im going to be smashed before you I
laughed.
After many shots, Sydney had begun to show her warmer side for me again. Youre really fun,
she complimented and drew a seven, Seven, everybody drinks.
Cheers, I smiled as we tinged our shot glasses together. I drew next and pulled a Rule Card.
Oh, this is going to be good, I said, shooting Sydney an evil glare, the rule is you have to say
Dot com, after everything you say. Dot com.
Thats a horrible rule! Dot com! Sydney complained.
I know. Dot com, I laughed,Your turn. Dot com.
Sydney drew a Rule Card as well and a look of evil anticipation formed on her face.
Oh, this is going to be good! Sydney taunted, Okay, the new rule is instead of you having to
say dot com, Jordan, you have to say 'You sexy bitch.' after every sentence. Sydney demanded with
authority.
Oh, so thats how you want to play, you sexy bitch? I said to Sydney laughing.
Sydney soaked in my last three words proudly. My phone started ringing, fuck I thought to

myself, hope its not someone important. Hello, you sexy bitch! I said as I answered the phone.
Uhhhh, okay? Brittany replied, Im coming back to the apartment. You or Sydney have to let
me in, okay?
Sure, I can let you in, you sexy bitch, I told her.
This is fucking hilarious! Sydney burst, cracking up uncontrollably.
Im going to have to explain this to your sister, you sexy bitch! I told Sydney as I ended the
call.
We played a couple more cards, they were drink cards.
Yuck, Sydney blurted out with a look of disgust after taking her last shot of Jack Daniels. I
need chase if Im going to drink anymore.
We can go get chase, you sexy bitch, I told Sydney, but no more sexy bitch if I buy.
Deal! Sydney replied eagerly.
We left the apartment and let Brittany in on our way out. I started acting like I had higher value
than her by being both cocky and skeptical about everything she talked about. We walked half way
to the 711 and Sydney began trying to impress me.
I know a bit about cars too you know, she tried persuading, look, Ill go over to that jeep and
steal shit out of it.
What if it has an alarm? I quizzed her.
Then I'll do this! she exclaimed. Sydney walked over to the back of the jeep and kicked the
tire. See, no alarm. Sydney then walked from the back of the jeep to the driver door. She grabbed
the door handle and pulled, Its locked... Sydney said seemingly confused.
Youre so drunk! I burst out laughing.
I kept teasing Sydney until we made it a couple blocks from 711. Sydney grabbed my arm and
stopped me in the middle of the road. She looked me in the eyes for a moment and without a word
she leaned in to kiss me. She slightly brushed her lips against mine like she was waiting for me to
kiss her back. I stood absolutely motionless.
We should get that chase, I told her and began walking away from her.
Sydney followed with a perplexed look on her face. I wasnt going to let her get what she wanted
so easily. Sydney showed disinterest in me and now I had her favored disposition back, I had all the
power. If she wanted my attention and praise back, she had to work for it. I entered the convience
store and Sydney waited for me outside. I walked out and handed her a 2 litre bottle of Pepsi to
carry on the way back. I walked about a block as Sydney followed, she tried handing me the Pepsi,
but I refused to take it and Sydney got somewhat frustrated. I eventually took the Pepsi from her
hand and placed it in the middle of the sidewalk. Sydney laid down on the grass of someones lawn
in front of the Pepsi.
I dont feel that good, Sydney told me.
I knelt down by Sydney and encouraged her to get up. I enjoyed Sydney during her intoxicated
state; it made her impulsive, making it easy for me to read and predict her. Alcohol was the only
thing that made Sydney show emotional vulnerability. I doubted that Sydney felt ill, and was certain

it was an act in spite of my non-compliance to bring forth my attentiveness. The pure need she
radiated was thick in her voice. Unfortunately for her, I didnt feel that it was time to reward her
with anything.
I helped Sydney up and began walking with her leaving the Pepsi behind on the sidewalk.
Arent you going to get that? Sydney asked upset.
You can get it. I'm more than capable of drinking Jack Daniels without chase, I explained.
Sydney was showing every sign of struggle, she was getting mad and even more frustrated than
before. She walked back, grabbed the Pepsi and hot headedly walked alongside me.
I started to feel a little bad and Sydney wouldn't so much as look at me for several blocks. I
stopped Sydney, Ill carry it, I offered as I extended my hand. She merely stared into my eyes and
I saw an opportunity to punish her for one final and definite time before I gave in. I moved my face
close to hers as if I was about to kiss her. She placed the bottle in my hand and then closed her eyes
waiting for me to close the space between our lips.
I took the bottle from her hand, turned around, and continued walking. Sydney tensely jumped in
front of me. She grabbed my hand and held it in hers.
See, now youre playing hard to get which makes you all that much more desirable, she said
softly. She leaned in to kiss me once more. She pressed her lips against mine for a moment and I
still remained motionless.
You wont even kiss me, Sydney exasperated, shaking her head. She turned around and began
walking away from me quickly as if she were trying to hide tears.
Sydney! I shouted. I caught up to her, grabbed her by the waist, ran my hand through her hair
and kissed her more strongly and passionately than I ever had. She kissed back with urgeful
intensity.
After a moment she pulled away, I cant, Dylan means too much to me, she said and than
stormed off in anger. I followed, letting her contemplate her emotions. At first I didn't believe that
she was for real. It didn't register with me that after she tried so hard to get me and after finally
letting her have me, she pulled the 'I love someone else.' card.
Every instinct and play that involved not giving her what she wanted was the correct one. I
should've destroyed her when I had the upper hand. Compassion and empathy were nothing but
weaknesses when it came to Sydney, and she would never see those traits from me again.
Just before we entered the apartment building, I stopped her one last time.When has Dylan ever
showed a significant sign of loving you? I asked with a hint of anger in my voice.
All the time! Sydney replied.
Sydney was unaware, but my friends in B.C informed me that Dylan had been going to parties,
getting drunk, and then flirting with every girl he could and screwing a few while Sydney was here
flirting with me. They were oblivious to each other.
Sydney, soon youre going to get over him and hes going to get over you...and then youre
going to realize that you lost the best decision for you.
I saw no point in telling her about her ex-lover, Dylan. She wouldn't have believed me anyway,
and it would've only seemed like I was fighting to win her over. Sydney didn't deserve to feel like

she was worth fighting for; and I certainly wasn't going to.
Sydney remained silent as she summoned the elevator. When we entered the apartment, she
passed out on the couch within moments.
I found Brittany and Mitchell talking on the balcony I asked if they wanted to play the
unfinished game of sociables. We were having a great time and before long, I realized I had too
much to drink. My head was spinning and I was more intoxicated then I wished to be. Brittany and
Mitchell went to the bedroom to close the deal on their date. Sydney woke up after they left and she
was acting like she completely disowned me. She blamed me for her misplaced feelings and said I
was pulling her away from Dylan. She wouldnt talk to me after she told me why she was acting so
redundant. It got under my skin and I eventually got up after too much anger accumulated inside
me.
Fuck Sydney and her mind games; I was sick of her. I didnt want to see or be near her anymore.
I got up and began heading for the door.
Im leaving! I said angrily.
What? Why are you leaving? Sydney asked surprised.
Doesnt matter.
Where are you going to go? You don't have a car to get back home.
I have you to thank for that.
What do you mean? Jordan, come here!
I ignored her and put my shoes on.
Jordan! Come here! Sydney repeated.
Goodbye, I replied stubbornly as I opened up the door.
Fine, Fuck you then. Go! Sydney shouted at me.
I slammed the door and walked down the hall to the elevator. I walked out onto the main floor
and out of the apartment. I called Kyle at 3:00 am and asked if he could pick me up after giving him
a brief summary of the day.
Hey, you werent sleeping were you? I asked
No, Ive been up all night working on the engine for my Firebird.
Look, my car was stolen, Sydneys acting like a bitch and Im stuck in Fort without a place to
go at the moment. Can you come up here? I asked
Sure, Ill come up there but my engine is kind of outside the vehicle. Ill estimate about three
hours until its running. Can you hold out till then? Kyle asked.
I guess I dont really have a choice, I told him.
After talking on the phone with Kyle, I sat down on a bench inside the apartment lobby, the only
thing I could do was wait. I contemplated the complications between Sydney and I. As far as I was
concerned, I was done with her, and done with Fort Saskatchewan. I left behind everything I knew
in B.C and I remembered why; it was people like Sydney that I wanted to get away from. I heard
the ding of the elevator doors opening on my floor.

Was Sydney coming down, I wondered, did she have a heart afterall?
Mitchell opened the door to find me sitting on the bench.
There you are. Whats up man? Mitchell asked.
Hm, Sydney complain about me or something?
No, I heard yelling, then the door slam and then everything was quiet. I came into the living to
see what was going on and Sydney was asleep and you werent there. I thought oh shit, Jordan cant
get back in.
Mitchell held the door open inviting me back in.
Can we talk for a minute? I asked Mitchell.
Sure, He said easily as he sat down beside me.
I explained to him what was going on with Sydney and how I was on edge because of my car
being stolen earlier that day.
Oh, dont worry about Sydney, man. Shes just really indecisive, she changes her mind
constantly, Mitch assured me.
Mitch was a good guy. He was reckless, and he was fearless, and never backed down from a fight
from what Id seen, but talking to him I could see he had a very understanding and respectful side.
We talked for an hour about each others' experiences and the hardships weve both gone through; I
found I could relate to him on countless levels. We eventually got significantly drowsy and we went
back to the apartment. I crashed on the couch across from Sydney.

***

I woke to find Sydney still asleep. I looked at her wondering, what if she really didn't steal my
car, what if I was reading too much into things, what if I should be taking pity on her instead of
trying to get the better of her. No, the girl really is a mess and the disappearence of my car couldn't
have been more obvious. She mumbled something about Dylan in her sleep.
"You and Dylan are more alike than you think. I hope you get him. You'll both ruin eachother," I
said lightly before putting on my coat and leaving the apartment.
Sometimes the only way to win the game was to leave it.

Chapter 12
Upgraded

Kyle picked me up in Fort Saskatchewan. Kyle and I discussed the issue of my car being stolen
and the set of events leading up to it. We both agreed that Sydney was a leading factor in its
apprehension.
It's just all fucked up, I explained to Kyle, I took her out on a date...looking back on it now,
she very much seemed like she was trying to distract me. She made a joke about my car being
stolen just moments before finding it was; it certainly adds up. Sydney being with me, she could tell
somebody in Fort Saskatchewan where my car was parked and then tip them off if I was coming
back. The moment the car disappeared, her attitude changed like she didnt have to put the act
anymore. Later that night, she was indifferent and hinted that she got what she wanted out of me. It
wasn't too far fetched to assume what she wanted to get was my car. My initial thoughts when my
car was stolen were that Sydney had something to do with it. I have no proof but my gut feeling
tells me it's true; my instincts have never led me astray.
You're right, Kyle said firmly, It wouldnt be that hard to do. It was definitely her. We need to
go back to Fort Saskatchewan to check if your car is there, theres no harm in checking. You cant
let Sydney know that were in the area otherwise she or any of her friends might have it moved.
Alright, I suppose we could go check, but in the mean time, I need to find myself another car."
Kyle assured me that he would help me find a good deal on a new car.
Nearly three weeks passed since I had seen Sydney. Sydney never bothered to make an effort to
talk to me since that night and neither did I. Kyle and I drove to Fort Saskatchewan multiple times
to see if my car was parked near Sydneys apartment. No results ever turned up and we just drove
around Fort Saskatchewan keeping an eye out for my red Honda Civic. Sydney, no longer talking to
me only lead Kyle to believe that she was hiding something. (My car.)
Im sick of all the theatrics and games, I told Kyle, I know how I can find out if Sydneys
lying to me or not with a few simple text messages.
How do you figure you can pull that off? Kyle asked curiously.
Tell her I found my car, if shes able to call bullshit, she must know something more.
You know, thats perfect! Kyle exclaimed.
I picked up my phone and called Sydney, What do you want? she asked with hostility. She
hadn't lost her touch.
They found my car, I know I didn't say anything about it before but I believed you had
something to do with it. That's why I acted indifferently toward you that night, I owe you an
apology. She sounded like she bought it and appeared to have believed every word I had to say.

That was that, back to the silent treatment with her. I was frustrated by the fact I had been wrong. I
strongly believed she would call bullshit on my car being found, I searched her voice, her words,
listened to any sign of doubt and she gave none. Maybe I was wrong, maybe I really was unfair to
her and she had nothing to do with my car. The day at the mall was coincidence and the joke she
made was truly irony.
***
I still think she did it, Kyle said coldly as we drove up to a house in Millwoods.
Kyle, let it go. Sydney is a dead end. Has it ever occurred to you that maybe my car theft was
random? I asked him.
Too many signs pointing to Sydney, Kyle replied.
I agreed with him, I still believed that it was Sydney but I wasn't going to dwell on it any further.
So this is the house with the Fiero? I asked.
Yeah, this is it. You got the cash? I pulled two-thousand dollars of cash out of my new, leather
jacket that Kyle convinced me to buy.
So the car was going for three-thousand in the ad. Our mission is to haggle him down to twothousand. Pick out every little thing you see wrong with the car, be very critical to make it
seemingly appear that the car is worth less and less to the owner, Kyle instructed.
The owner came out of the house to greet us. The car is around back, the man said as he
guided us behind the house to a garage. A red sports car emerged from the car port, it looked much
like Kyles Firebird but slightly smaller. Here it is, a 1988 Pontiac Fiero GT. Its been garage
stored for the last year and the engine was replaced just a few years ago.
Kyle and I took the vehicle for a test drive, it had only one noticeable problem, the rear brakes
were completely disabled. I had the knowledge to fix the problem, however. Kyle and I succeeded
in convincing the owner to sell the Fiero for two-thousand and I drove home in a new and much
more impressive vehicle than my Honda Civic.
I spent the next week repairing the new vehicle. The rear brakes didnt work at all so I purchased
a new master cylinder, bled the brakes, replaced the rotors, brake pads and then shortened the brake
line. I found that the brakes only made little improvement. I scratched my head over what could be
causing the mysterious brake problem. I proceeded to replace the spark plugs with the addition of
new spark plug wires, a new air filter, new rubber gaskets, and then topped it off with new speakers
and a stereo system.
I took the Pontiac Fiero for it's first test drive after tuning and repairing it. I realized how much I
grew a liking to the car. I pulled the Fiero out into the longest stretch of road in Twin Brooks and let
the odometer drop as low as five kilometres per hour and then stomped my foot to the gas with full
acceleration. The engine roared to full speed with ease. The roads end came up quickly and I did a
right turn at the intersection. A tall brunette that looked somewhat like Corynne Barron and a
shorter red-haired girl were walking side by side on the sidewalk.
Nice car, shouted the tall brunette.

I slowed the car down and pulled over beside them. Thank you, what are you girls up to on such
a lovely day? I asked with a shining smile.
Just hanging out, you? the tall brunette replied.
Test driving the new car. You girls live in Twin Brooks? I asked.
Yeah we do, Im guessing you do too?
Sure do, we should hang out sometime. Take my number.
I showed the girl my digits on my own phone and she copied them into hers.
Whats your name? The brunette asked.
Jordan, and your name is?
Ava and this is my friend, Jill.
Hi. Jill said shyly, half hiding behind Ava.
I recognized Jill,You're Paige's sister, arent you?
Yeah, how do you know her?
We used to hang out and party, I've seen you around at your place, I replied.
Probably, you kind of look familiar too.
What's Paige been up to? I haven't talked to her in a while.
Not too much, she's stopped partying though and got engaged with her boyfriend.
Wow, things sure change fast. Anyway, I should get out of here, neighbours are probably
complaining about me because of my loud engine and reckless driving habits. I look forward to
hearing from you, Ava, I said, smiling as I pulled away and drove back to my place.
Quickest phone number I've ever gotten. I said to myself with a grin.
I had a dream for the Fiero; I imagined a pearlescent paint job in black with the addition of
golden rims, it would look amazing. Fieros were older cars made only in the 80s by Pontiac. They
were taken off the assembly line because then werent well known for reliability. They had roughly
a three year life span before the vehicle began to have serious internal problems. Fieros were very
popular back in their decade and certain people liked to buy them today due to the wide variety of
mod kits. Fieros could be modified with easy to install Ferrari and Lamborghini body kits. It was
genius, purchase a cheap 80s car and make it appear as a half-million dollar vehicle. It was the
cheap and easy way to show off significant high value.

Chapter 13
The Past Is A Lie

I checked my emails to find a message from Randy Chartrand, the talent scout that recruited me
to the CSMT event several years ago.
Hey kid, Im coming through Edmonton next week and I want to meet with you for coffee and
talk about getting you signed to a major acting agency. Im running my own business now and Im
no longer with CSMT. I want to help you. Let me know whats going on in your life. Id like to
catch up. Randy
I replied and agreed to meet Mr. Chartrand then did some research on him. Some time ago there
had been a great deal of complaints about the CSMT event and it had been questioned on whether it
was legit or not. Even I thought it was questionable at one point; after I had paid to go the event, I
was given a package with all its details. The package was filled with spelling mistakes and looking
back at the event as a whole, I recognized how unorganized it had really been. Many organizers of
the event had been accused of fraud but couldnt face charges or a lawsuit due to the forms the
participants had to sign before attending the event. I dug up an article that had been written weeks
after CSMT took place.

Tina Kennedy
High Prairie Times
Borrowing your dreams, a growing industry that lives on the fringes of the modeling and talent
industries, has become more mainstream than ever: They are the modeling and talent conventions
that you pay to attend and hear someone tell you how to walk, wear your makeup or that you need
hundreds of dollars worth of photos to break into.
Rather than the scam industry that it once was, its legitimized in Canada with only warnings of
buyer beware.
For one mother who bought into the dream for her two daughters, it was a heart-breaking and
expensive endeavour.
Its almost like youre under a spell of hopefulness. Youre in. Heres what youve got to pay.
Its almost like youre in a whirlwind, says Shirley Calliou, who brought her two daughters to the
Showcase of America convention in Edmonton October 6 through 8.
Thats the selling point. From the moment you attend the audition, its a con.
It started one day when Shirley was reading a daily newspaper. She noticed a small
advertisement in the classifieds. She told her daughters, 16-year-old Monica and 19-year-old

Diane.
Before long, they were on a road trip to Edmonton.
Like hundreds of others, they were asked to wait. Then came time for the auditions and the quick
interviews with Marie Dafnas and Randy Chartrand. Shirley says the compliments were many
enough to convince her and her daughters that they needed to go the next step: a $695 per person
showcase where they Canadian Showcase for Model and Talent would have dozens of big name
scouts looking for the face and the voice.
It was a costly lesson, says Shirley.
They really led me to believe they were legitimate and using renowned names of agencies that
led me believing that this is a for real thing. And then, after researching the names and that out of
30 some so called agencies there was probably maybe two or three that were legitimate.
Thats how they work. The model and talent scout industry is flourishing in Canada and getting
bigger all the time. The problem is, say representatives from various modeling and talent agencies,
you should NEVER pay up front fees.
Some speculate that theyre becoming a more frequent event in Canada simply because many
states in the U.S. are writing laws that prevent them from charging up front fees. So theyre moving
operations where that isnt a problem.
Its become a business that banks on dreams to get money in the bank.
The Better Business Bureau provides information based on complaints.
Virtually all successful models and actors work through managers, and generally use a talent
agency that does not charge a fee payable in advance for screen tests, photographs, acting or
modeling lessons or other services. If you are signed as a client by a licensed talent agency, you
will pay such agency nothing until you work and then a percentage of your earnings as a
performer.
The premise is simple. They call an audition, literally attracting hundreds of aspiring models,
actors, musicians and vocalists. Sometimes they get through the first part without having to pay
money.
Its following that initial contact that they ask you to sign a contract or agreement that has you
paying money to attend a convention.
They use tags like Get Discovered, appealing to the desires and aspirations of youth to sell
out seats and floor space.
They tell you that to succeed in the business, you need photographs, a comp card, and lessons in
how to behave, walk, and put your makeup on.
They tell you that you dont have to be 510 and 110 lbs that models are hired all the time for
catalogue work.
The fact is, catalogue work is coveted and not as easy to break into as modeling and talent
agencies would have you believe.
Its a twisted and complex set of lies, with just enough truth and legitimacy to make you feel like
theres a chance.

They created that environmentthe audition is only a couple of minutesyou go in you do

your performance and youre out the door.
Whats very important to remember, is that anyone who pays the fees gets called back. It has
nothing to do with look or talent.
During these conventions, the agency, such as Canadian Showcase for Model & Talent, bring in
experts to talk about the industry and how to get discovered. They contact smaller agencies and
give their agents paid trips and a payment for their attendance.
Dafnas told the times in a telephone call on Oct. 10 that she processed approximately 350
participants.
Thats more than $243,000 for just the registration fee alone. It doesnt take into account any
other money spent by aspiring singers, actors, models and their parents through that weekend.
Dafnas set a fee of $95 for parents and guardians as well. She refused to say how much her
company made for the weekend just as she refused to say what it was participants got for that
money.
Dafnas did try to say there were scouts and agents from various big name companies such as
Ford Models, Paramount Pictures and Warner Brotherswho were on the list of more than 60 of
those the company said were invited.
Before the convention even took place, The Times called many of those agencies.
Ford said they refuse to go to any event where models or talent have to pay up front fees. As
well, while Canadian Showcase of Model & Talent advertised someone would be there from Fords
Vancouver office, Ford does not have a B.C. office.
Dafnas, who in the audition with the Calliou girls, complimented both, used Shirleys comments
of the talent and beauty in the communities around Lesser Slave Lake.
Dafnas told her if she could arrange the show, they would come to town and do the auditions.
Complimentary rooms and space were found through Brian Holmberg at the High Prairie Inn.
Dafnas never returned his calls to confirm reservations.
When she did call him back it was to yell and insult him because hed cancelled the rooms to
take paying customers.
She called Shirley the next day. Yelling at her, Dafnas told Shirley shed cost her money, and
caused her not to be able to be home with her family over the Thanksgiving Weekend.
Shirley had spoken to Dafnas just the day before in Edmonton. Despite the knowledge that the
showcase was quite probably not what she and her daughters were hoping it was, Calliou had
already paid out money that would not be refunded. Additionally, she wanted to see if there was
anything about it that was productive.
It was phenomenal when you first arrived, she says. She walked around, got names and company
names and believed, based on the hype through the weekend, that the people in the Shaw
Convention Centre, were the movers and shakers of the North American entertainment industry.
Phone calls and internet checks at the Better Business Bureau, American Federal Trade
Commission, and simple back ground checks through the companies they claimed to have
represented resulted in many cases of misrepresentation.

It was and is very disappointing, says Shirley.

Theyre not what and who they say they are. They want you to buy their version of what you need
to break into the modeling, acting or music industries. It has nothing to do with being discovered. It
has to do with you buying their product at inflated prices.
The Screen Actors Guild also advises against such agencies on their web sites Frequently Asked
Questions.
The legitimate talent agency does not charge a fee payable in advance for registering you, for
resumes, for public relations services, for screen tests, for photographs, for acting lessons, or for
many other services used to separate you from your money. If you are signed as a client by a
legitimate talent agency, you will pay such agency nothing until you work and then 10 percent of
your earnings as a performer but nothing in advance.
The simple difference between these convention sorts is that they dont find work for you. Real
management companies do.
The ones that are finding work for their talent are taking a percentage of what the job is
upwards to 20 per cent.
Thats the difference between a management company and a talent agency demanding up front
fees.
As for Dafnas and her Canadian Showcase for Model & Talent and Showcase of America
companies, theyll go on to the next community and do what they do. Canada has little protection at
this point and everything comes down to buyer beware and be aware.
It really disappoints me because I mean there were people coming from Winnipegfrom all over
the place spending big money the expenses to come down single parents with the same dream and
aspirations that they had for their kids, that I have for my kids and not realizing.
Shirley will not allow this to happen again. Theres a difference between an open audition and
signing up for classes.
Were filling someone elses employment dream rather than them fulfilling the dreams of our
kids, says Shirley. Always question before signing or handing over moneyJust be wary of
handing out money no matter what the promises.

Randy Chartrand was no doubt everything he was accused to be. He wasnt interested in my
talent or exposing me to the success I desired. From the moment I met him, he was a con and was
still trying to pull the same routine that made him so much money in the past. I decided I was going
to meet with him anyway, see what he had to offer, and if he asked for a large sum of money like I
predicted he would, I was going to confront him on his scam.
The week went by and Randy Chartrand called me on time. Will you meet me at the Southgate
Mall, boy? Well be at the Tim Hortons at 3:30.
Sure, see you then, I replied.
I dressed stylishly, printed out the article on the CSMT event, got into my Fiero and drove out to
Southgate. Randy was late and I found a seat while shaking my head for Randys disorganization.

Randy, Randy, Randy, you really havent changed at all. I said to myself.
Randy eventually arrived with two companions. There was an older looking women in her
thirties and a younger man who looked to be in his early twenties. They both looked like models
and were incredibly well groomed.
I stood up from my seat to greet Randy and then took the liberty of introducing myself to
Randys business partners.
Im Jordan, I informed them as I shook both their hands, and you two are?
I'm Larissa. the female said seductively.
And Im Jonas, the male said smoothly.
Randys told me much about you and youre dancing accomplishments, Larissa complimented
as she gestured for me to sit back down, Id very much like to hear about your experience at So
You Think You Can Dance.
Ah, so Randys been keeping tabs on me has he? I smiled.
Larissa took a seat beside me while Randy and Jonas took their seats across from me.
Listen, boy, Randy interrupted, Ive started my own business now. I didnt like the way they
were doing things at the Canadian Showcase of Model and Talent. CSMT didnt have the success
stories other talent scouts do, thats what were looking for: the person who can become our success
story. We think you have what it takes to be our success story and we want you to be one of the first
to join our company. By being one of the first to join us we will respect that and take extra care of
you. You will get more out of our company then anyone else.
Randy was making his sales pitch and all he really had left to do was mention how much it was
going to cost me. He came to me expecting an easy con, but he wasnt going to scam me again and
this time I was going to make him work to get his point across.
Well, I interrupted, Youre a company that is just starting out, did you know that about ninety
percent of businesses that start out dont make it in the market. So if I went with you guys, a
business just starting out, Id be taking a much bigger risk then if I went to any other known
company on the market.
If you went with us youd be on your way to stardom much faster than any other company!
Randy countered, You being one of the first to start out with us would make us want to help you
out more and get you up and going. Youll have more attention from the people on the top. Larissa
lives here in Edmonton and shell be keeping an eye on you. Randy explained while handing me a
business card that read Get Discovered on it.
Larissa grabbed the card and wrote her number on it with a large smiley face beside it and slid it
across the table in front of me. She then put her hand on my back and ran her finger nail across the
lining of my neck. I recognized this move of seduction from when an exotic dancer was trying to
convince me to open my wallet to her. It wouldnt have surprised me if Larissa was stripper looking
for some extra cash as a con artist.
So what do you say, Jordan? Randy asked confident he had me fooled. Larissa can help you
get some comp cards made up and Ill have a photographer ready to get some body shots done on
you by next week. The girl I have in mind is one of the better photographers in Edmonton so itll

cost you about $500, but trust me, shes worth the money.
Five-hundred is quite expensive for a few photographs, especially when I still have perfectly
good professional photos from CSMT.
If you want to break out into the industry, you have to keep your portfolio updated. Understand,
boy?
I slightly nodded my head with a suspicious look on my face.
Good, Randy continued, Now we also have a $795 registration fee to sign up with us. We
have a contract here and we just need you to read it over quickly and sign it. You should just sign it
because were almost out of time, we have another client to meet.
I didnt even need to look at the contract, they were desperate and it showed, it made them
sloppy. I stood up and reached into my back pocket.I came across an article the other day, Randy. I
thought I should bring it to your attention before we continue.
I handed the article to Randy and his eyes glanced over the paper suspiciously. It looked as if
Randy had come across the article before. After a quick moment, Randy tore the paper in half and
threw it on the floor.
This doesnt have anything to do with me. It was CSMT, Randy said passing the blame, This
is why I left. I didnt like the way they were doing things and I get the bad name for it. Listen boy,
do you think that just because the company I was with made some bad decisions that I should pay
for it?
Regardless of whether you're telling the truth or not, I began, there will always be
consequences for bad business decisions. Do you consider yourself a business man, Mr. Chartrand?
Do you consider yourself a professional?
I am professional! Thats got nothing to do...
If you want people to take you seriously and want to run a business, I interrupted, at least act
professional for fuck sakes. Show up to meetings on time and show me paperwork that isnt filled
with spelling mistakes, I held up Randys contract, Youre a fucking joke, all of you. It may have
worked on me when I was a fifteen-year-old boy who was full of dreams and believed you were my
only chance and answer, but if anyone as old as me is stupid enough to fall for this, than they
probably deserve to get scammed. Were done here! I said in anger and finality before I got up
from my seat.
The three con artists stood silently in their seats as I walked out; their faces were full of guilt and
regret, regret that someone called them on their game. It didnt matter how they felt, what they did,
what they do is inexcusable. Giving children and young peoples dreams hope for a price and then
crushing those dreams while laughing at how much money they made. It was nothing more than a
sick joke. They probably felt amusement by dangling everyones greatest hopes in front of them.
I walked back to my Fiero and drove back home. After meeting Randy Chartrand and being
exposed to his scam, it did have me thinking about my dreams again and how I could make them
come to reality.

Chapter 14
Deception's Truth

Nearly a month had passed since my Honda was stolen, and I received a phone call from the
police.
Jordan Gardiner?
Yes, thats me.
Weve recovered your vehicle, you can come pick it up from the police impound in
Yellowhead.
I was in disbelief. I never thought I would ever see the vehicle again, and with my Fiero, I
honestly didn't even care if the vehicle was recovered or not. I called Kyle and asked him to give
me a ride to the impound lot so I could drive my vehicle back.
When we arrived, I paid the impound fee of one-hundred-eighty-six dollars while asking the
police had recovered it.
"It was found in Fort Saskatchewan abandoned on a dirt road."
"Interesting..." I replied.
An officer led Kyle and I to where my car was parked. When I opened the car door, my speakers
and stereo system were ripped out of the car with wires hanging out of the dash board. My high-end
clothing, iPod, and 1.14 litre bottle of whiskey was gone. I opened the trunk to find that my jumper
cables, jerry can, and sub-woofer were also gone. I looked under the hood of the vehicle and it
appeared that the engine was ripped apart; every valuable, brand-new car part was removed from
the engine. Then I looked at the ignition of the car seeing obvious signs that someone shoved a
screwdriver into it.
"I wonder," I told Kyle as I looked into the glove department and pulled Sydneys house keys
out. Guess it really wasn't Sydney, she wouldnt have left these here, I said to Kyle. Kyles eyes
gleamed with thought. I knew what he was thinking and I answered his thoughts before he spoke,
No. Im giving them back to her.
Jordan, Sydney doesnt know you have them. Do you know how fucking easy it could be to
break into her apartment and cash out on all her shit. Shes a bitch and she deserves it.
She does, but her sister doesnt. I dont give a shit about Sydney but I have respect for her sister.
Were not breaking into anything.
Jordan, you need to stop being a fucking coward and learn to take risks! You give too much
respect to people who dont deserve it. Why do you just walk away? You'll never feel justified and I
know it gets to you.
I knew he was right, but it didn't give me a free pass to rob someone's home. And I wasn''t about
to break any laws.

"Jordan," Kyle continued, "Just because Sydney's keys are here doesn't mean that she didn't do it.
You said yourself; she was with you the entire time. Whoever actually took the vehicle could've
forgot, or didn't care to take Sydney's keys. It was found in Fort-Fucking-Saskatchewan! We were
looking in the right place the entire time! What does that say about your instincts? You've been right
about every judgement. Trust this one!"
"My judgement says breaking into an apartment is going to go very badly for both of us. I'm as
adament as you about Sydney, but we got to let this one go. Now, since this vehicle barely has half
an engine left, I'm going to see if I can get my impound fee back."
I walked inside the office and told them the engine was ripped apart. That it would cost more
money than what it was worth to take the vehicle back. They refused to refund to me. It made my
blood boil that they had my vehicle towed to the impound lot and charged me money before
allowing me the chance to even look at it.
I decided to go back out and see if there was anything of value left to possibly collect. Kyle was
still standing beside the vehicle with a guilty look on his face. I looked back inside the glove
compartment and noticed Sydney's keys were no longer there.
I agreed with Kyle's reasoning: bitch steals my car, rob her apartment. I had more to lose than
anyone with where I lived, the money I made, and no existence of a criminal record. Kyle was
going to get me in trouble with the law with the kind of advice he was starting to lay out.
Kyle drove me home and asked to borrow $50 for gas.
"Where you do plan on going for $50?"
"Just normal commutes. I live a bit out of town. I promise to pay you back on my next pay
cheque."
Kyle's most abundant trait was always persuasion. He had a counter offer for everything. He
brought up how many times he drove me to Fort Saskatchewan to look for my Honda Civic, and
how he helped me get a good deal on the Fiero.
"I'll give you $30, but I better see that money on the next Friday."
I would've hands down gave him the money, but I knew Kyle had Sydney's keys and something
seemed suspicious about the whole situation. My instinct was on edge again and I didn't know why.
But it told me not to give Kyle the money.
I called Sydney later on that night to warn her that Kyle had her keys and I suggested that she
have her locks changed.
"I didn't know Kyle for very long before I introduced you two. He's not trustworthy and is very
good at playing mind games.
"Jordan, I'm sick of your lies, Sydney replied, Kyle is here now and he told me how you staged
your car being stolen to get my keys and break into my apartment. You're the one that shouldn't be
trusted, not Kyle.
"Sydney, shut up! You don't know a goddamn thing, you should know by now that I'm honest. If
you're really the idiot you're making yourself out to be then you deserve everything thats coming.
Let me have a word with Kyle."
I could hear the phone rattle as it was being handed off to Kyle.

"What?"
"Kyle, you really are a piece of work. You preach about trust to me and then you reveal that
you're the most disloyal fuck in the city.
"No, I'm very loyal. Just to the people who deserve it," Kyle laughed at me.
The phone call ended with a beep. My blood boiled.

***
The following afternoon, Kyle called me again. I answered to condemn him with more spiteful
words. My anger was so abundant that I was even planning to threaten him. Despite parting ways
with Sydney, I did feel something for her. I'd be damned if I let Kyle take advantage of my
downfall, especially when he fooled me into lending him the gas money to see her.
"Jordan, stop! Let me talk for one second!" Kyle said extremely fast to get his point across, "Last
night was an act, I know Sydney stole your car and I know I took her keys. I gave them back to her
as a gesture of goodwill. I made her think I betrayed you to gain her trust, and I..."
"Shut the fuck up, Kyle. You can twist this any you want but you're not going to talk your way
out of..."
"Sydney admitted it!"
I paused for a moment. "What?"
"Sydney admitted it to me! She arranged everything. Dale, Harley, and those other guys stole
your car. One of them took the car back to Fort Saskatchewan and then they picked you up playing
innocent."
"You're lying."
"No. You should see Sydney's apartment right now. A few weeks ago you said she and her sister
couldn't make rent and feed themselves, right? Well, Sydney has a new ferret, they bought a new
Nintendo Wii with games, they're ahead of their rent payments. How does that make sense?"
"How do I know I can trust you?"
"I didn't tell you because I knew you'd disagree with me. I didn't rob her, I just investigated and
talked her into telling me the truth. She did it! She stole your car!"
"My thirty dollars?"
"I'll come get you right now, give it back to you, and then we can go to the police station
together."
"Alright. If everything you say is true...thank you. You fooled me, so I'm sure you could fool
Sydney."
"We got her, Jordan, we got her."
Kyle held up his word; he arrived at my home, handed me my money, and then gave me a ride to
the police station where I reported my story with Kyle's obsecure statement.

To our surprise, the police informed us that they couldn't lift a finger. It wasn't enough evidence
to lay charges or pursue an investigation. Kyle and I left the station appalled.
"So that's it..."
"I'm sorry, Jordan. That was my last trump card."
"I could destroy that girl," I told Kyle very seriously, "but I can't do it without taking myself
down with her."
"On the path of revenge, dig two graves, right?" Kyle asked.
"Yeah, that's the quote. Stupid girl, what they got from my car was probably what I would've
spent on her within two months. If anything, the bitch saved me finances, time, and trouble by
stealing my car."
"Some people just like to shoot themselves in their own foot."

IV
A conflicted heart feeds on doubt and confusion. It will make you question your path, your
tactics, your motives. When you stare ahead and darkness is all you see; only reason and
determination can you pull back from the abyss.
Revenge

Chapter 1
The Imbalance of Attraction

As I studied and learned about the flaws of attraction over the course of a number of years, I
came to a sobering realization: the greatest imbalance of attraction spiraled down to values. It was
always about values.
Partner A becomes more emotionally invested in the relationship than Partner B, and the more
love partner A wants from the other, the less Partner B feels like giving. Partner A has less value,
where partner B has more value.
Both men and women can occupy either position at various times, so it seemed to me that the
contemporary preoccupation with women as victims of male mistreatment was causing us to lose
sight of an important fact, that women can be heart-breakers too.
I also concluded that virtually everyone experiences love's two sides in the same way. It doesn't
matter whether your mother adored you or ignored you, or if your childhood was happy or
miserable, no one, not even the emotionally healthy are exempt from the pain of love when it tips
out of balance.
The troubled individual may more frequently wind up in unbalanced relationships, and the
healthier person may recover more quickly, but love can go out of kilter for anyone.
I realized that there was some missing link between this imbalance of emotional involvement
and disfunction in relationships. What I found is this emotional pivot point was a paradox, which is
why it's been so difficult for us to recognize the problem.
The lower value partner, feeling insecure and wanting to regain control to enhance their
attraction power, tries harder. The basic rights of courtship are about self-enhancement; wearing
your most flattering clothing, spending hours at the mirror thinking up clever things to say, honing
culinary skills, spending money freely on gifts, restaurant meals, romantic diversions, in order to
make yourself as desirable as possible.
The goal of all this effort is to gain emotional control over a loved one so we don't have to worry
about rejection; that means winning his or her love. But there's a catch: if you prove too appealing
to the one you want to the point that you are clearly more in love with them, than they are with you,
your relationship will fall out of balance. You've become the one down, or if you're frightened by
your partner's advances, you've become the one up.
The very desire to attract someone, to try to influence another person under your emotional
domination has the potential to upset the balance of the relationship, and thats because the feeling
of being in love is biochemically linked to the feeling of being out of control.

Once you feel completely sure of another persons love, your feelings for that person begin to
fade. Gone is the challenge, the spark, the excitement.
It was an early morning in my driveway, giving the Fiero a tune-up when I spotted Paige walking
across the street. I forgot all about Paige until seeing her sister Jill a few weeks back.
Paige! I shouted out. She spotted me and came over.
So this is the cool car I saw on your Facebook, she greeted.
It sure is. I haven't seen you in forever. What have you been up to.
You don't want to know, she said, smirking. She gave me an awkard hug because I kept my
hands away from her.
I'd hug you back, but my hands are covered in this black smut.
Good call, I'd be so angry with you if you got it on my new clothes! she laughed, I want to
stay and catch up but I have to help my sister pick out a dress for my aunt's wedding. Do you have
my new number?
We exchanged new phone numbers and around mid-day she texted me. She wanted to go for
coffee and demanded that I give her a ride in my new car. Fiero's are sexy! she told me.
I picked Paige up at the mini-mansion and we went to the closest Starbucks. She got immensely
engaged and was fascinated by my new stories of a stolen car and hanging with the crazy Fort
Saskatchewan rednecks.
You're still the same Jordan Gardiner, she laughed, always going on adventures and getting
into trouble.
You don't know the half of it, I replied, so much to tell you, but enough about me. I want to
know what's new with you.
Well, Paige hesitated. I'm taking a new outlook on life. I got engaged...
I heard about that, I interrupted.
Well, Colin wasn't the person I thought he was. He started freaking out on me all the time and I
broke everything off. she said, her voice strained, I know most people treat me like the typical
rich girl and they resent me because my parents provide me with so much. I actually want to go
somewhere in my life and earn something for myself. I want to do it on my own without my
parent's money. I hate being treated with resentment because of the wealth I come from.
So you're saying your ex-fiance resented you because of your families wealth?
He belittled me because of it.
"It sounds like a great goal that you're setting, to do things on your own. It's a really gratifying
feeling to be dependant only on yourself. I'm proud of you."
Paige smiled.
I'm mad at you, Paige said with a cocky edge breaking the three seconds of silence.
Mad at me? What could I have possibly done? I laughed, taken aback.
You hardly ever talk to me anymore. I saw you at the mall like a month ago. I waved to you and
you gave me the dirtiest look ever! I was wondering why you hated me.

I have no recollection of that, I laughed. I probably didn't recognize you and thought you
were just some creep trying to get my attention.
Did you actually just call me, Paige, a creep? She gasped playfully.
Paige was single again, and it didn't take long to revert to her old, flirty self; the Paige I missed
vigorously. Paige had an ego even greater than mine, she was a wild party animal, and smart in the
cunning way.
After we finished our coffee, Paige invited me back to her place. I showed off in the Fiero by
speeding up down the long stretches of road. I parked in her immense driveway and we headed
inside.
Do you want to go for a swim? Paige asked as we walked upstairs into her bedroom. She
slipped into a red bikini.
I was about to decline, but after seeing her impeccable body, I decided otherwise.
I don't have a bathing suit. I said breaking my gaze.
Here, she said tossing me a pair from her closet, I bought them for Colin when I was in Palm
Springs last month, but since we broke up you can have them.
We jumped into the pool and shared our wild experiences from the past year. We kept having
these intense moments of eye-contact and just grinned at eachother.
I started talking about Sydney, venting my anger and frustration. She randomly splashed me and
started laughing.
Okay? I laughed back.
Don't be so tense, have fun! she said as she sent another splash at me. It was on and we went at
each other without mercy. I charged her after having enough water shot into my face. I grabbed her
around the waist and sent us both under. We both came up, she looked at me and I got really
immersed in her eyes. She broke eye-contact and asked, What's the real reason you stopped talking
to me?
I just got really busy, you know, climbing to the top of the world. I smirked sarcastically.
No, the first time.
I think you know the answer to that, my tone turning more serious.
But it's in my nature to call you out on it, she smirked with similar sarcasm.
What happened before, it may have been a game to you, but it wasn't to me. For me, it left a
mark.
We had some awesome times though, didn't we? She pouted cutely. We could go back and do
it all over again.
I'm not interested in playing this game with you again. You just got out of an engagement, I
know better. I'm not going to be a card in either your rebound or plot against your ex.
Paige looked at me with very upset eyes. I'm not playing games. I'm not like that anymore,
Paige said as she moved really close to me. I was really stupid, and I do think about it sometimes. I
never forgot about you.

I'm trying really hard not to kiss you right now. I whispered as I placed my hand on the side of
her face.
Paige slightly bit her lip. Do it, she said confidently.
Nah, I said ruining the moment. Paige looked at me skeptically. I have too much respect for
you and our friendship to just hook up with you, and you still just got out of an engagement! I
exclaimed.
She merely stared at me for a moment before getting out of the pool. I had always loved Paige's
charisma. If I was going to become involved with a girl as worthy as her, I wanted to do it the right
way. I wanted her to be genuinely interested in me and not look at me as a potential rebound or
hook up as she once did. She was also a girl I felt I could attract without running any pick up
material, she knew me inside and out.
She invited me back inside and grabbed a towel for me. As I thought she was about to hand it to
me, she threw herself into a hug. Her wet body against mine had me slightly aroused. You're such a
good guy, she told me.
After drying off, she wanted to watch the movie 'Chasing Liberty' and cuddle. Friends cuddle,
she claimed. She was punishing for what I had just done. She wasn't stupid, she knew I was
attracted to her and the game was on. She was going to tempt me and then play hard to get. Wash,
rinse, repeat.
Paige knew the cat string theory all too well.
She was silent halfway through the movie in the basement suite. I couldn't even pay attention to
the film, I kept thinking about Paige. It had been a long time since I felt genuine feelings for a girl
and I wondered what it would be like to feel the wonder of love again. I had always been physically
attracted to Paige but I saw her so differently after spending that kind of time with her.
She said she's not playing games, she's not like that anymore. It was time to find out if she really
had changed.
Is it too late to kiss you? I asked very gently.
She looked at me and shook her head.
I kissed her very slowly. A small sense of butterflies impeded my chest, I hadn't had butterflies
from kissing a girl since Nicole. Okay, I told myself, I'm going to let myself have this. I'm going to
let myself fall for Paige. I wanted to feel what it was like to truly fall for someone again and damn
the consequences.
Thinking about what you said; about going back and doing it all over again. Maybe we should.
We're older, more experienced, more mature now. We don't have to make the same mistakes as
before.
Paige stared at me for a few moments. It seemed she was having trouble registering what I had
just said. I don't know. That was a stupid thing for me to say, I don't know what I was thinking.
You were right, I'm still getting over Colin, she replied in a sorry tone.
We quietly stared at the TV screen, but we both knew neither of our minds were on the movie. It
got uncomfortable and awkward. I pulled my phone out and acted like I was replying to text
messages when I had none. Then I made up the excuse that I had plans with some other friends and

needed to go.
Okay, was all she said.
I said bye and let myself out.
After I got back to my house, I was beating myself up over how much I screwed things up. I just
had to be bold, I just had to be wreckless, I felt like I was falling for Paige all over again and if she
was gaming me, I gave her complete power over me.
I leaned back onto my bedside smiling however. There it is, I actually have unconditional
feelings for a girl. It had been so long.

Chapter 2
New Horizon

I woke up in my new bed for the first time. Heartache overtook me, it had only been one night
since I'd been away from Courtney. I already missed her so much and leaving her behind in Nelson
was perhaps the hardest thing I'd ever done. I questioned myself, wondering if I made the right
decision.
We called each other every night, her voice was soft over the phone and I longed for her to be in
my arms again. But deep down I knew it wasn't going to work. I knew I was going to pursue other
girls in Edmonton and Courtney was a pointless endeavor. I broke it off with Courtney and she was
crushed for a while. She finally got over me when she met a guy named David Layne. I was glad
she had him.
I turned my back to my entire past, I ceased contact with everyone I knew in British Columbia
and only looked forward with my new life in Alberta.
I wondered what new experiences Edmonton would hold for me. I grew comfortable in my new,
upper class home, and became accustomed to having quality numbers in my bank account from my
outstanding job opportunity. However, I had to rebuild my social life from the ground up.
I went for a walk in the park that was just across the waterfront of the neighborhood. It was a
beautiful summer day and I decided to walk out to the middle of the grassy soccer field. I started
doing back flips and handsprings across the field to keep my abilities in their peak performance.
A pair of girls were tanning on towels at the other end of the field. They were beyond beautiful
and they were watching me. It made me a little nervous and I jumped into another back flip and lost
control. I landed on my face and collapsed on the ground.
One of the girls came running over to see if I was okay,
"That looked really cool," she complimented.
Maybe not.
"Thanks, I messed up though," I smiled.
"It still looked cool."
A handful of toddlers came running up and began to hang off the dirty blonde's arms, "We want
to get ice cream!" they whined.
"Siblings?" I asked.
"Cousins," she replied, "Okay, okay, we'll get you guy's some ice cream. It was nice meeting
you."
I was very curious of the girl but after her cousins stole my thunder and taking a good smack to
the face, I went back to the confines of my home.

Later in the afternoon, I uploaded some new music to my iPod and decided to go for a walk and
explore my new neighborhood. The environment and high class lifestyle was everything I wished I
had grown up with. I wondered how different my life would've been if that wish was a reality.
Walking alongside the waterfront, I saw the dirty blonde from earlier with her many cousins coming
in my direction.
"Hey! How're you?" she asked very enthusiasticly. It was evident that she was happy to see me
again.
"Oh, I'm awesome, I smiled, Would you like to hang out later when you got your cousins off
your back?"
I didn't like asking someone to make plans with me so sudden but I knew I may never get the
chance again.
"Uh yeah, I'd love to. When?" she asked anxiously.
"How about the field, the same place we first met, at...let's say, 10:00 pm."
"Okay, I'll meet you there. You promise you'll be there?"
"I promise," I assured her.
The sky turned dark and 10:00 pm came rolling around. I indulged in a couple drinks and walked
out to the field. The dirty blonde hadn't shown up, I waited for fifteen minutes and she still hadn't
arrived. After I looked at my phone, I started to leave.
The girl appeared from around the block breathing heavily. "Hey!" she panted
"Hey," I replied, "I didn't think you were coming."
"No, I just lost track of time, she laughed.
I asked her what she wanted to do and she left it up to me to come up with the ideas. "Lets see
where this leads," I told her as I took her down one of the dark pathways into a forested area at the
outskirts of the neighborhood.
I started making jokes about how I heard wolves earlier and how they're vicious in this area. It
was a plot to scare the gorgeous blonde into sticking close to me. I extended my arm out for her to
hold onto, she took me by the arm and followed me deep down the pathway. Eventually an area of
the pathway had a long, painted, wooden fence running alongside it. The other side of the fence
held the backyards of many multi-million dollar homes.
We stopped behind one of the most beautiful looking homes I'd seen in the entire neighborhood.
The home had teal light from an illuminated swimming pool dancing along the side of it.
I was flirting with the girl relentlessly and she made every indication of interest she possibly
could. I moved in close to her and asked if she wanted to kiss me, she let out a weak yes. I pressed
my lips against her and made out with her as she leaned back against the fence. While kissing, we
made light conversation. I asked what kind of girl she was and she kept urging me to guess.
"You're a popular girl. You seem like the type."
"Many would say so, but nope." she shyly shook her head.
"Than what?"
"Guess," she said again.

"Um, one of those sporty types?"

"Nope," she replied again.
I must've guessed every stereotype in the book until she told me that she didn't believe in
stereotypes.
You groom yourself very well, you're beautiful, tanned, your hair is like silk, you dress in
designer clothes; everything about you shouts popular, I remarked. She smiled and remained silent
for a few moments. She cutely looked at me through her mascaraed eyes in a seductive way. Aside
from your looks, you seem like you have a really good heart. The time you spend with your cousins
and the non-belief in stereotypes indicate that right there.
She leaned her face in close to mine with a mysteriously devious smirk.
"You pay attention to things, I like that."
"I like this whole mysterious thing you've got going on. It makes me want to get to know you so
much more."
"I have to go. I work in the morning and need sleep."
Can I walk you home? I asked.
You already did, she replied and pulled on a hidden latch in the fence.
I don't even know your name.
Paige, Paige Larsen, she said just before disappearing through the gate.

Chapter 3
Resurgence

I woke up with Paige on my mind, I started rethinking my position on the feelings I had for her, I
had doubt running through my mind and decided that I should run material on her. I could bring her
in and I ultimately needed to get her pursuing me rather than pursuing her. I promised myself that I
wouldn't run routines on her, but I permitted myself to work the theory behind them.
I was silly to work myself into a frenzy over her, because when I finally checked my phone, I
found a long text message from her sent late the previous night.
Jordan, I'm sorry if I made things weird earlier today. I just didn't think I was the type of girl
you would be interested in and it totally caught me by surprise. You've changed a lot, like in a good
way. I'm not doing anything tomorrow so let's hang out?
Around noon, I called her because I knew how much she adored sleeping in.
Paige, I got your text.
Oh good.
I'm glad you cleared that up, I'm sorry for hitting on you the way I did. I've just been thinking
about a lot of things in my life lately and how I wished things were different.
I know what you mean.
When did you want to hang out? I asked Paige.
Right now?
Where?
Anywhere you want.
The waterfront, fifteen minutes?
Sure! I'll be there.
I felt weird, almost sad, and it seemed like she did too. I sensed a dissatisfaction in her life
similar to mine.
When I met Paige at the waterfront, she didn't seem herself. Her hair was tied back and she was
wearing bug-eyed sunglasses.
Hey Jordan, she said as she hugged me. Her voice was thick like she'd been drinking. Sorry
again for yesterday, I don't really feel right. I haven't slept since you left my house yesterday and
I've been drinking all night.
What's going on with you? I asked, concerned.
It's hard to explain, she said and sat down on a nearby bench. I sat beside her. I'm miserable, I

feel like nothing's right in my life. I felt like things were suppose to be a certain way and destiny has
been derailed and set off its path. Colin and I were engaged, he was perfect for me and everything
was right, but the way he changed, the way he was, just hurts me so much because I still love him,
the old him, but that's not him anymore.
I know how you feel, you initially fall in love with someone, but change is something
inevitable, it becomes hard to admit that the person you loved no longer exists in that body we've
grown so attached to.
It's like the person I loved is dead, and there is someone else living in his body, she
exasperated.
There is no justice for it. Nothing can make that better and it turns your whole world upside
down. Everything you know and love becomes a lie; it's hard to wrap your head around it.
Exactly! This is so weird that we're having this conversation. I didn't know you thought this
way.
I've experienced it myself on different levels; it wasn't a very pretty chapter of my life.
I can imagine.
I'm surprised by you, you've turned into quite the intellectual, Paige.
I just think a lot deeper than I used to. I had everything and I took it for granted, but now it
doesn't seem like it's enough anymore. Life needs to have more meaning than the life I'm currently
living.
I took her hand, There is so much more to life than having everything you want and need. The
struggle, the difficulties, and the journey out of chaos is what truly builds you as a person.
Paige rested her head on my shoulder,It just feels so weird. I don't know what's right anymore.
Do you feel detached and disconnected from reality?
Mhm. I'm so glad we're friends. You understand things no one else does.
I could feel value fluctuating between Paige and I. She seemed hopeless and needy and in turn,
the feelings I had for her were absent. When she had her walls up, I sensed challenge and a
conquest.
It wasn't my fault, nor hers. Every girl that ever turned me down wasn't truly a bitch or guilty for
being cruel, nor was I guilty for every girl I turned down and was a heartbreaker to; it was only our
brain transmitting signals evaluating the mating efficiency the other person had.
When you can truly understand the way your mind thinks and understand the low and primitive
value it holds, you can be above it. You can ignore and move against your genetic code to be more;
to make the logical instead of emotional choices.
I wish I wasn't damaged goods, Paige self-loathed.
Is Paige Larsen self-loathing? What the fuck did you slip me? I laughed trying to lighten the
mood, You're this brilliant girl, sure, you were a wild party animal when we first met and you lost
the man you love, but you have this way about you. You exert this energy and it effects everyone in
your presence. You can have the world in your hands, Paige, just get past this hiccup and you'll see
a whole new world of opportunity.

Her face changed from depressed to overwhelmingly happy faster than I could blink. She was
blushing and I'd never seen her smile so wide. It overjoyed me to see her like this, and joyed me
even more knowing that I was the cause of it.
She looked up at me and lightly kissed me. I fully indulged in the moment.
I didn't need to run a single line of pick up material, all it took was some honesty, genuine care,
and advice with the right words. Perhaps this 'Game' was inadequate and 'be yourself' wasn't the
cliche and useless advice I always thought it had been so long as yourself was one outstanding
individual.
Let me take you out, I said strongly to Paige, we'll keep it casual, no emotional attachment.
We're both emotionally damaged and companionship could help us both.
She thought about it for a moment. Alright, no emotional attachment, she agreed.
Of course I wasn't silly enough to believe that emotional attachment was something that either of
us could control. I needed to give her something that would mask her doubt in us, and it did.
Paige and I had been seeing each other for weeks. We frequented movie theaters, restaurants,
swimming pools, parks, house parties, and clubs. We went on some of the most fun and enticing
dates I had ever been on.
We had eventually gone on a camping trip outside of Calgary for one weekend. Paige had no
idea what to do in the outdoors. I taught her how to set up a tent and make a proper fire. We got
hungry and I asked her what she brought for food.
I brought hot dogs, granola bars, marshmallows, and vitamin water. I knew if we needed to I
could cheat and drive the forty-five minutes to the nearest Denny's in Calgary.
I came prepared! she smiled and ran to the car and pulled out a bottle of rum from her suitcase.
I gave her a funny look, That's all you brought for consumption?
Yeah, she looked at me like she didn't see anything wrong with that.
Come here, you! I laughed and picked her up while swinging her legs around.
Oh my god, put me down! she laughed, You can't do this to me!
We drank, we ate, we kissed. She started expressing how glad she was that I chose to be with her.
You''re honestly like the perfect boyfriend, Paige said attentively.
My girlfriend is pretty high up there too, I replied, gazing into her eyes.
No, I really mean that. The last couple weeks have just been so great. You were right, you
know.
Right about what?
New and better opportunities after I stopped self loathing, as you called it, she smiled.
This sounds like that talk, I smirked happily.
What talk?
The 'I want to take this to the next step' talk.
She opened her mouth to speak but no words came out, she shot me her glowing smile again and

decided to get up and walk away instead. I looked back at her as she unzipped the tent entrance. She
took off her sweater and than her tank top before throwing it at me.
I took one last shot of rum before I entered the tent after her. My eyes filled with desire seeing
her white, lacey lingerie.
It about to be our first time and I hoped it meant as much to her as it did to me. I felt devoted to
her and I didn't want it to be meaningless and purely for pleasure. She became the girl and the
wonder I'd been searching for so many years of my life. She filled the void inside me and it was
enough to say, yes, I can conclude my journey here.

Chapter 4
Omission

The girl had set an inner fire off in me. I kept running the name, Paige Larsen, through my head.
I had to see her again.
After some searching on Facebook, I found her; the stunning and beautiful girl that shared
intimacy with me the previous night. I boldly sent her a message telling her that I was taking her out
on the weekend. She full out refused me.
No, I'm taking YOU out, she replied while attaching her phone number.
We arranged to meet in the field again on a beautiful and warm Friday night. She looked even
better than the last time I saw her.
So, what's on the agenda for tonight.
You'll see, she smiled seductively and beckoned me to follow her while taking my hand.
My heart rate slightly increased, she was so beautiful and was already treating me like her
boyfriend.
She led me to her house and invited me inside. She told me her parents weren't home before we
went down into the basement suite. There was an illuminated bar set up at one end of the room. She
grabbed two glasses and started pouring drinks.
Oh, I get it. You're too young to go to the bar so you have your own.
She scoffed, I bet I'm older than you.
I'm eighteen.
Ha! Nineteen!
You were drinking before you came to get me, I said observantly.
Just a little, she replied as she raised her thumb and index finger.
I guess I better catch up. She made a cosmo and slid it across the counter top to me. You sure
know how to take a man on a romantic date.
She raised her finger up telling me to wait as she finished her sip,This isn't the date. This is the
warm up.
She had me curious, I wanted to know what she was up to. If this isn't the date, than what is? I
asked.
I'm not drunk enough to start being honest, she giggled.
She had me fascinated. She had a nice and shy demeanor the other night, now she had a little bit
of attitude. There was a cunning edge in the way she spoke, I was dying to figure her out.

I finished my drink and she slid another one over to me. She accused me of drinking too slow
and urged me to hurry up if we were going to get to the 'date' on time.
She poured two shot glasses full of rum. Okay, before we go, quick quick! We tinged our
glasses together and tilted our heads back.
We left the house and started walking across the neighborhood. She pulled out her phone a few
times to text. I stole some glances and noticed the word 'party.'
We're going to a house party, arent we? I asked.
Jerk! I know you looked at my phone.
I like house parties, but since I'm letting you take me this thing, you need to let me do one
thing.
What's that? she asked with a cocky edge.
Close your eyes.
She closed them and I went in for the kiss. She kissed me back vigorously.
I really like you, I smiled as I held her around the waist.
I like you too, she replied open-heartedly.
We continued walking to the house party. Paige informed me that it was one of her very close
friends throwing it and that if I see her sister there, not to hit on her.
Does she look like you?
Pretty much, but she always dyes her hair red.
Oh, I think I should meet your sister.
Don't even!
We came into proximity of the house. It was nice, but only about half as large as Paige's home.
To my surprise, not only were there high school students congesting into the house, but also
college freshmen; it was the makings to a wild party. When getting inside, a hot little redhead
approached Paige and she was asking about a guy. I knew it was her sister.
I leaned in to introduce myself but the redhead ran off before I got a word out.
What's your sisters name? I asked Paige.
Oh my god, you're already into her arent you! she said jumping the gun.
No, I was just curious, I replied innocently.
Jill.
Paige and I mingled with senselessly drunk randoms before grabbing some beer and talking
privately in a stairwell.
What are you most proud of, Paige? I asked.
I'd have to say being popular, she replied with a hint of pride in her voice, How about you?
My independence. I've grown up considerably fast. I've experienced a lot.
I can see that about you. What was your first impression of me?

That you were a stunning girl that breathed class, that I have to marry so she can share her trust
fund with me, I joked.
Shut up! I do not have a trust fund. My family's not that rich.
No, you just live in a mini-mansion, I laughed. What does your family do?
My daddy is a lawyer, mom is his secretary. My dad's made some really good investment
choices though, that's where most of the money came from.
Jill found us and told Paige that someone named Reanna needed to talk to her. Paige left the
room leaving me alone with Jill. Who are you? Jill asked skeptically.
Friend of your sister's. I'm Jordan. I reached over to shake her hand.
Just to warn you, my sister goes through guys like she does tampons, she said leaving without
shaking my hand.
I hung around, waiting for Paige to turn up again. She seemed to have disappeared. I was left
alone in a party full of people I didn't know, feeling like a chump.
An hour into the party, everyone started to get out of control and the home was being ransacked.
Some skater punk was taking batteries out of every device he could find: TV remotes, a mouse and
keyboard, X-Box controllers. Some frat boys were shaving squares in the carpet with an electric
razor and cutting random cords that they came across. I walked into the backyard where lawn
gnomes were being shattered on the rooftop by shirtless men covered in the scribbles of a
permanent marker.
Out of nowhere, Paige walked up from behind me, looking horrified. What happened? Paige
asked in disbelief.
A lot, where did you go?
You don't even want to know, she told me.
Police lights began flashing from the front of the house. Senselessly drunk party-goers became
panicked. A stampede of high school minors came running into the backyard. I could hear cops
yelling, freshmen girls screaming, and the alarm system ringing.
You have to get me out of here, Paige said in a frenzy.
I nodded and helped her climb over the fence in the backyard. So many inebriated teens were
flailing over the fence that it looked like a scene from World War Z. I took Paige's hand and ran
onto the street with her. There seemed to be a steady stream of students following a specific
direction, so I followed the general traffic through countless yards, subdivision to subdivision. Paige
tripped over a fence and grabbed onto me on the way down. We landed roughly in the grass of
someone's backyard laughing hysterically. It was such a rush evading the police like that.
What's your name again? Paige slurred.
You better be kidding, I said laughing my ass off.
I'm so...so dru... she passed out cold beside me.
I grew worried and shook her, she was completely unconscious, and I was too drunk to carry her
back to either her house or mine. I laid next to her for roughly twenty minutes until she regained
consciousness.

Hey, she whispered.

Hey, I smiled.
Did I just pass out?
You did.
Holy fuck. I can't believe I did that. Reanna's weed is so strong, it made me so dizzy.
I found her adorable. She was whispering and smiling with her pearly white teeth even after the
craziness we both experienced. She was still quite attractive even when she looked like such a
disaster.
She leaned over to kiss me. During our lip lock, her stomach growled fiercely.
Do not puke! Especially when you're right above me, I said as my eyes went wide.
She rested her body over my chest laughing, No, I'm actually really hungry.
"Do you want to get some food? If we can make it back to my place, we can zip over to the 24/7
McDonalds in my Fiero."
"Do you think I maintain this body on McDicks? McDonalds, not even once! You're taking me to
Denny's!"
"You know, I'm not going to argue with that."
Paige was insistant on driving her car and thought she lived closer. We made it to Paige's home
where she let me drive her Audi A5 that her parents bought for her sixteenth birthday. It was the
smoothest car I'd ever driven.
We arrived at Denny's and noticed something on the menu called Basket of Puppies. We
decided to fuck with the waitress and asked if we got to choose our own puppies.
What do you mean? the cute waitress asked in confusion.
Well, I stated, can we get them in dalmatian or chiwawa?
Paige couldn't stop laughing.
They're not real puppies, the waitress replied, dumbfounded, they're...
We know, we know, Paige blurted out in between laughs, Jordan, just order me something.
Two cheese burgers! I announced at the top of my head.
The waitress wrote it down on her notepad and paced away desperately.
Paige sobered up after getting some food in her. After indulging our appetites, I drove her back
home. I stood on her doorstep and gave her a kiss goodbye. She remained motionless, she let me
kiss her but did not kiss back. Jordan, she said in an apologetic tone, "you're going to hate me.
"I don't think there is anything you can say to create that effect."
"I've been dating someone for two months. He's amazing, but then you came along and have this
confidence, this boldness, and way. I got carried with you, and I know you want more. But I can't
do it. We can be friends, but I have to go back to my man now."
I stared at her in disbelief and she stared back waiting for me to respond. That's cool, I lied.
You don't owe me anything.

Good. As long as we keep it casual, we can keep seeing eachother. Goodnight."

"No, wait! It's not cool. I fucking like you, Paige. I want you and I will do whatever it takes to
win you. But I will never be second best to someone else, not with a girl! I don't know who this guy
is, but if tonight had any indication, it's that we're perfect for eachother."
"Jordan..."
"Choose. Make up your mind right now or I walk."
"It's not going to be you."
"Goodbye, Paige. It was fun while it lasted," I told her as I turned around and walked off her
doorstep.
"Stop this! I'm so glad I met you. Everything have been amazing with you," Paige shouted after
me, "but you're not going to pressure me into making a decision. I shouldn't have even mentioned
him but stupid alcohol makes it all come out."
"Goodbye," I finalized, " I think that''s the only thing left to say."
I walked half-way down Paige's driveway. She was still standing there with an upset look on her
face. Then I kept walking hoping she'd shout one more thing at me, anything to prompt me to go
back and fight, but she didn't.
I never let myself free fall before. I thought that if I had to, I could walk away from Paige with
little to no hurt..
Walking home, I wondered how I let such prominant feelings creep up on me so quickly. I didn't
want to admit it, but I already cared about Paige more than I thought.
I was incredibly attracted to her and was looking for more than a simple fling, but it was obvious
that her attraction for me ended there. She, ultimately, sent me on the endeavour to learn the game
in the later months and move onto pursuing a multitude of women.
She got into a serious relationship with her significant other, Colin. Paige and I practically
friend-zoned each other and it was potentially the better decision because we became amazing
friends that could open-heartedly tell each other about everything.
When I got home, filled with disappointment, I found that Rachel facebooked me, speaking of
glorified, alcohol-induced adventures on Ultimate Pub Crawls. I'm selling the tickets for the
event," Rachel pitched, "you'll really like my friend, Katy, it's going to be so fun!
I'd never been to a club before and looked forward to seeing Rachel again.

Chapter 5
Fears And Phobias

Paige woke me up in the middle of the night. Jordan, I'm fucking freezing. I can't sleep in this
tent for another second.
I was shivering to no end and suggested that we sleep in the car where we could turn on the heat.
We grabbed the blankets and snuggled up in the car.
I can't believe you looked at me weird for bringing rum, it can actually keep us warm, Paige
justified.
Never want to go camping again, I mumbled bitterly.
I wonder whose smart idea it was to go camping in October, Paige said, her voice dripping in
sarcasm.
I admit, not one of my best ideas. You know what keeps you warmer than rum?
What?
I nodded my head toward the backseat.
Again?
I grinned as she climbed on top of me after crawling into the back.
I ended falling asleep with Paige nestled in my arms. When I woke up, she was sleeping so
peacefully. I didn't want to move and wake her so I laid there merely staring at all her facial
features. Her lips looked so soft and luscious, remnants of her make up laid around her eyes, some
strands of hair were hanging off her nose. I ran my hand across her hair line and pushed the strands
out of her face. She smiled while her eyes were still closed.
I love that, she said as she opened her eyes.
I had an outing into the city of Calgary planned. I took her to the Calgary Tower and she made
fun of my phobia of being in an elevator. Paige learned one of my only two fears: elevators and air
planes. I didn't like anything that could cause the floor to drop from beneath my feet if something
went wrong.
When we got out of the elevator, we were presented with an amazing view of the city and the
rocky mountains across the landscape.
I learned that Paige had a fear of heights when she refused to join me on the plexiglass floor; we
could see the city streets a mile below our feet. After ten minutes of encouragement and teasing, she
finally stepped out while grasping my arms tightly.
Paige certainly found her revenge on the elevator ride back down. I regretted being so cocky
about the plexiglass because she was jumping up and down in the elevator to spite me.

Stop being so cruel, I whined, if my fears come true, you'll die too!
At least I know you'll be more scared than I am, she laughed.
I'm taking us right back up and I'm going to make you stand on the plexiglass while I take a
sledgehammer to it.
Not before I make this elevator crash, she said before jumping and slamming her feet on the
floor again. Every time she did it, I could feel the elevator drop a little faster than normal. I felt like
curling up into a little ball.
Just you fucking wait, I had a really nice date planned but now I've got some other ideas of
where to take you. The elevator took so long to descend from that height and I was relieved to be
at ground level again. Whew, I breathed as we walked out onto the downtown streets.
I'm so going to fuck with you every time we're in an elevator now. What happened to Jordan
Gardiner, fears nothing?
Tell anyone about my fear of elevators and I'll tell everyone you self-loathed.
Deal. Your fear of elevators is so much more fun than my petty emotions.
Petty huh? Like your attraction towards me?
I bet I like you more than you like me.
Paige and I started competing over who was more emotionally invested. Why do you like me
more? I asked.
You're so cute cowering in an elevator, but actually, you make me realize things about myself
that I didn't know. When I'm with you, it just seems like the rest of the world disappears. You make
me happy. Why do you like me more?
Staring into her glossy eyes sparked everything in me, I love you, Paige Larsen. Without words,
your eyes speak volumes to me. I could be walking down the street and not know anything about
you; but after seeing your radiant smile, it would tell me the whole story. I love the way you carry
yourself, I love the beauty you see in the world, and I love the beauty inside of yourself.
You like full on love me? Paige stammered.
Yeah, I knew I was in over my head but I was willing to commit to it, I love you, Paige.
I love you too, Jordan Gardiner.
It was all too intense, too real, I never thought I'd be hearing those kinds of words from a girl like
Paige Larsen. I put incredible value on her, and we were both irresistibly infatuated with each other.
I wanted a long-lasting relationship with her and she took the relationship as seriously as I did.
After visiting the Calgary Tower, we went to a military museum to see real weapons and
equipment that was recovered from World War II like bullet-dented German helmets.
Paige knew about my strong desire to join the Canadian Forces and being in the military museum
only made her think about what would happen if that time came.
I don't want you to join the army, Paige whined, what if you don't come back?
I will.
Do you have any fucking idea what it would do to me if you died in Afghanistan or

something?
I'll come back!
What if it changes you? What if your not the same after experiencing war?
We should go; I know you hate war. I don't know what I was thinking by bringing you here.
It's not that, I'm falling for you really badly and if you do this, I know you'll be gone a lot and
you might not come back. You can't make me fall in love with you and then just take off to a place
where bullets are whizzing over your head!
"I think I need this, Paige. I need the life experience, I need the skills and military trade will
shape me into something better. I'm tired of sitting on the sidelines waiting for a promotion or a
better job opportunity. Their are immense advancement opportunities in the military and I need to
take what I want by force. I need to recognize what I want, stand up, and get it because nothing is
going to fall into my lap."
"I fell into your lap," Paige teased.
"No," I replied laughing, "I had to chase you a little bit."
"I do agree with you, Jordan," Paige explained, "but this isn't the way. I don't know what will
happen to us if you leave."
She was right. I went to a military recruitment centre without telling Paige, and was sure I was
going to go into Armored Reconnainsse. But they'd first send me to St. Jean in Quebec for basic
training. That was already three months away from Paige.
On the drive back to the campsite, I thought about my choices and the effect they had on Paige. I
decided to put my thoughts of enlisting behind me for her. I won't leave you. I won't join the
military. I wanted in to give my life a sense of true purpose. I wanted to join to fill some type of
hole in myself, but you fill it. You're good enough and I don't need to risk my life or prove anything
because I have everything I need right here with you.
Paige looked at me for a moment, her eyes started to water over. I'm sorry for getting all
emotional, she laughed, slightly embarrassed. You make me feel so much and I'm probably
overreacting but I think I really love you.
It's okay, I smiled,you're more than amazing for me and I want to be amazing for you too. I'll
never leave you. If we end, it would be your decision, not mine. I promise you that."
Good, she said wiping away a tear.
You've gone soft on me, I remarked.
Shut up, she giggled.
After arriving on the campsite and starting a new fire, Paige told me that her parents were
sending her and Jill to Cancun for Paige's Birthday and Jill's late graduation gift. They were leaving
around Spring Break. My parents would hate the idea of a guy coming, but if you can afford your
own plane ticket, I can sneak you into the resort with me, she fantasized.
Paige wasn't serious, she was merely taking pleasure in the idea.

Chapter 6
Spring Break In Cancun

I sat beside the window on my WestJet flight. It had been a long time since I was on a plane and I
was a little nervous. It didn't help when Paige told me every story she'd heard of take-off going
wrong just before we boarded.
WestJet had a sense of humor. "There is no smoking on this flight," the captain announced during
his review of the safety procedures, "if you're caught smoking on this flight, you will be let out onto
the jet's patio deck to watch the movie 'Gone With The Wind.'" (Who writes these haha?)
The plane ripped off the runway and gave us a five hour, birds-eye view of the United States. We
had eventually flown over New Orleans and started descending over the ocean. The shores of
Mexico came into view and I was mildly overtaken with excitement. I imagined endless spring
break and beach parties, turquoise waters, and a beaming warm sun.
After the plane descended onto the runway, Paige, Jill, and I exited the plane to go through
Mexican customs while receiving a dose of warm air and moisture.
We caught a shuttle to our resort and checked in at The Beach Palace. By the time we got into
our rooms and settled in, it was already dark. Paige and I spotted a resturaunt on the beach outside
the resort. We ordered authentic Mexican food and margaritas. The atmosphere was surreal and
dream-like. Paige and I began drinking our pina colada, trying to decipher if they were alcoholic or
not, coming to the conclusion that they were in fact non-alcoholic. We were wrong. Intoxication
sneakily crept up on her and before she realized it, her face was flush and small giggles were
escaping her mouth.
"There was definitely alcohol in these," Paige laughed aloud.
"Paige, you're such a lightweight," I teased, "I can't believe you would get drunk off one
margarita."
"I don't usually get drunk this fast, what the heck!
A moment later, it hit me; I leaned my head back and laughed. "Holy shit, these drinks are
strong!"
Tomorrow, we were hitting the most popular club in all of Cancun. The moment felt like the
calm before the storm. And it was.

Chapter 7
Coco Bongo

Ever since getting off the plane, I was bombarded with the advertisements of Coco Bongo; "Puts
Vegas nightlife to shame," was the tag line. In the shuttle to the resort, billboards of Coco Bongo
quoted their review with the Rolling Stone; "Vegas showtime meets the party." In the morning while
on the beach, a small plane flew alongside the coast carrying a banner that read "Coco Bongo, a
spring breaker's paradise."
I had arrived at Coco Bongo with Paige on my arm. Coco Bongo was a $65 USD cover charge
but included unlimited drinks for the entire night. I skeptically paid it but soon felt it was worth
every penny and more. The club was filled with spring breakers; college students from around the
globe were going wild.
As soon as we entered, a bartender waved us over. He tried pushing shots on Paige and I but we
kept trying to turn them down. Mexican bartenders are the most persistent men you'll ever meet.
You're a good couple, you're a good couple, he pressed, I'm just trying to get you lucky man, you
seem like a real solid guy. After a five minute dispute, Paige and I decided to take the shots in good
graces and ordered Long Island Iced Tea's.
Paige and I moved out onto the lower dance floor and started moving our bodies. She threw her
arms over me and got close to my face.
This is really perfect, isn't it?
Spring Break in Cancun with Paige Larsen, what's regular life again? I laughed.
Paige nearly heeled over, she was drunk, we both indulged in more than a couple alcoholic
beverages at Planet Hollywood for dinner.
A Mexican couple in our close proximity were dancing and openly engaged in contact with us as
I accidentally made eye contact with the female. The male walked up and started slurring some shit
into my ear as I held my drink in front of me, I looked away to see the female laughing to Paige
about something. As I turned my head back to the male, I swore I saw him slip something into my
drink.
You're going to have a really good time tonight, man. Enjoy it! he shouted as Paige
discontinued talking to the Mexican girl and pulled me away from the area.
That bitch asked me if I was into swapping! Paige scoffed.
I'm pretty sure that guy slipped something into my drink, I replied as I set my drink down on
the floor and kicked it over.
Seriously? Paige asked.
I've heard stories of it happening, but that's the first time I've ever actually seen it go down.

Jesus, I don't even want to think of what they wanted with us, Paige said with a freaked out
edge to her voice.
Paige and I continued dancing and started making out. I ordered the bus boy to grab us a second
round of drinks. That was Paige's final drink, she was over the edge. Paige got sick and rationalized
that it was from the food at Planet Hollywood, but I knew she had too much to drink.
We should go back to the resort, I suggested.
No! This place was way too expensive for you to take me, some puking girl, home.
You're not some girl, I laughed, you're my girlfriend.
No, she said again, I want you to have a good time, I've done this stuff before, you've never
had the chance. I want you to have fun and know what it's like, she slurred harder than ever before.
And how do you expect to get home in this condition? I asked.
I'll walk, I know where the resort is, she said while swaying back and forth.
I kept pushing for her to let me take her home but she wasn't having it.
We're leaving right now. This is Mexico, it's dangerous, and I'm not letting you out of my sight
unless I know you're safe.
No, she said once more, I have to tell you something. Colin messaged me last night, he said
the best sorry ever. I still love him. You need to have fun, meet a girl.
My stomach completely dropped, I hoped it wasn't a drunken truth and just drunken bullshit.
Okay, that's it, I yanked her arm and pulled her outside of the club, hailed down a cab, and asked
how much it would cost to get her to The Beach Palace.
Twenty American dollars, the cab driver replied.
Here's forty, make sure she gets inside, I told him as I slammed the door shut on her.
I sent Jill an email from my iPhone explaining that I sent Paige back in a taxi and to wait in the
lobby for her as she was hardly in condition to walk.
Urgh! I grunted to myself, she better be full of shit, before storming back inside Coco
Bongo.
The club must've filled up with at least fifteen-hundred people across three floors. I stood on the
highest floor looking down upon thousands of people. There was an elevated area of floor in the
center of the main level. There I spotted some of the most attractive-looking American women I had
ever laid eyes on. Their beautiful tans, pure white smiles, luscious hair, and legs that stood like
golden arches had hundreds of lustful men staring at them. I knew that was where I wanted to be.

On the way to the main level, I noticed how rowdy and rude drunken American girls could be. An
employee bent down in the middle of a group of American girls and began picking up the bottles
and cups they had thrown on the ground. "What the fuck!" one girl shouted at him, "what the fuck is
he doing, why can't he do that after closing."
"Fucking Mexicans, there is something wrong with them, another girl scoffed.
The employee looked upset and intimated as he shamefully picked up their litter. I gave one of
the girls a dirty look as I walked by and shook my head at her. She saw me, spun around, and gave
me a shove that had little effect.
Americans as a whole weren't as polite or careful as most Canadians. Americans were in fact
more outspoken and said what was their mind. I liked the traits embedded in American people and
their culture, you could see them at face value for the most part.
I looked up toward one of the clubs many stages. A few girls were dancing in mini skirts, they
were both perfect tens'. A spotlight moved in on them and they showed up on the large screens
throughout the venue. One of the girls grabbed the other and shoved her tongue into her friend's
mouth, the crowd went wild. Just when I thought the sight couldn't get any better, hidden jets on the
floor burst air from underneath the girls. Their skirts went flying up and the whole club saw their gstrings. The brunette grabbed her skirt, pulled it right down, and ran off the stage in embarrassment.
I went to the bar and grabbed a vodka sprite. Every so often the bus boy would come and keep
bringing me drinks, I didn't even have to return to the bar the entire night. It was by the most
amazing club I'd ever been in. Every so often cannons would shoot loads of confetti into the air, I
kept having to pluck pieces of it out of my beverage.

I started chatting with two American girls by the platform.

"Hey, it looks like the party is over here!" I shouted over the music.
"It sure is,"one girl shouted back, "We're the coolest people here."
"You are the friendliest girl I've met in the last..." I paused while pretending to think, "three
minutes. Let me guess, you're the good one and you're the bad one," I said pointing to her friend.
"What's your name?" I asked the first girl.
"Mackenzie," she replied.
"No way, you're kidding me. I never get along with girl's named Mackenzie." Mackenzie's friend
asked me what my name was. I told her and shook her hand as she informed me that her name Amy.
"So what makes you think you're good enough to talk to us?" Amy asked.
I laughed it off, "I admit, you're both very pretty, but beauty is common. So you got lucky in the
gene pool, what counts is great personality, great energy, great outlook, and what you make of
yourself. It was cute that you stepped up though."
The girls were slightly baffled. I brought them in close for a few pictures. I remembered hearing
that American girls were in fact easier than Canadians but didn't believe it. Perhaps I got lucky, or
perhaps it was true.
A couple flashes from my camera and I felt good. Mackenzie started grinding against me with
the seductive movement of her hips. I decided to reward them with a true compliment,"You know
what, a lot of girls bore the fuck out of me but you girls are fun!" I lead them further onto the dance
floor, giving them a couple spins and said to Mackenzie,"I'm trying so hard not to kiss you right
now. On scale of 1-10 how good of a kisser are you?"
"Ten," she replied confidently.
"Let's find out," I said while leaning into her. She did pretty good; I gave her a nine.
I always wanted to kiss an American girl. crossed off my bucket list.
We stuck together as a group. Mackenzie, Amy, and I watched amazing shows. There was a
massive Tron reenactment where men in neon suits were battling it out with glowing discs, and
acrobats were flipping through the air overhead.
After the show ended, the most well-groomed pair of males I had ever seen came into our
proximity. One of them approached me and shouted into my ear, "See that girl over there, she's been
checking out for the last couple minutes, I've been watching, go talk to her." He pointed to a girl a
couple groups away as his friend swooped in and started whispering things into Mackenzie and
Amy's ears. It was obvious that the male talking to me was trying to distract me while his friend
tried to steal my girls from underneath my nose.
To be honest, I was quite intimidated. The males spoke with British accents, they conveyed very
high value, they were tall, had perfect golden tans, dirty blonde hair, and looked like they had a lot
of money due to the designer clothing they were wearing.
I felt the girls presence shift away from me. I was losing them.
"I'm pretty sure she was looking at you," I said loudly, "she looks like a true gold digger. You two
would be perfect for each other." I pushed him out of the way and intercepted Mackenzie and the

alpha male while he was continuing to whisper in her ear. "Hey man, what do you call that hair cut?
It's so cool, I want one exactly like it so I can show all my friends how a British douche-bag attracts
women."
"This haircut was over two-hundred dollars, look at your hair, it looks like you got it done on
some street corner."
"Dude, you're like my personal assistant, just keep the advice coming!" I said and gave him a
complete 180 degree turn back to the girls. The British guy placed his hand on my shoulder and I
spun around and knocked it off. "Hands off the merchandise, buddy!" I looked around and quite a
few people in the proximity were looking. I noticed a few security guards standing a few metres
away watching and the British chaps did too. They quickly backed off and I turned around to the
girls and quickly apologized, "Sorry, I don't know what their problems were. I hope they weren't
getting too pushy. "
"Yeah, what was their problem!" Amy said.
It was stunning to see how quickly the tables could turn. The British guy's were trying to treat
me like some chump and they were probably used to taking girls from people with their designer
clothing, expensive haircuts, British accents, and cocky demeanor.
***

I woke up with a hangover and got up to go on a tour to the Mayan Ruins. All our tours were
booked before we even came to Mexico so I had to squeeze my partying in where I could.
The ancient city we were visiting was named Chichen Itza. It was about a two hour bus ride from
Cancun. On the way we stopped at a massive sink hole that was partially flooded with water. We
travelled into the caves and came out into the sinkhole. An opening from above shone the most
beautiful ray of light in the center of the hole. The tour guide informed everyone that inside the sink
hole they used to sacrifice people there believing that if they drowned one of their strongest
warriors, the gods would give them the rain they so desperately needed.

They allowed the tourists to swim in the water before we departed to the ancient city of Chichen
Itza. As I was in the water, I realized that I was probably swimming above century year old bodies
and nearly puked after I accidently swallowed some of the water.
Chichen Itza was stunning. I stood in a plaza staring up at the immense pyramid, it was one the
world's seven wonders. Along the pyramid there were names and graffiti scratched into the stone, it
was a shame that some people had no respect for the history and cultural significance that the
pyramid stood for.
The tour guide explained that archeological evidence had shown that the Mayan structures all
had color. The pyramid in the figure below was red with sections of turquoise.
The tour guide also explained that if he was standing at the top of the pyramid he could speak to
us in a normal voice and we would be able to hear him clearly without him having to raise his
voice. Anyone standing at the top or inside the pyramid could hear everything that was going on
within one square kilometre.

The tour guide started clapping, a few of the visitors and myself followed his clapping in repetition.
What followed was the most intriguing sound, it was unlike anything I'd ever heard. Our claps were
echoing from the top of the pyramid and the sound was travelling across the plaza with perfect
clarity.
Next we had walked in between two great walls with a giant stone hoop at each side. This was
where the Mayans played their sport. I was standing in the biggest arena of it's type ever discovered,
the Mayans they would host a game every year and it was to the Maya as to what our Superbowl is
to us.
From wall to wall you could speak in a normal voice and hear each other clearly. The tour guide
mentioned that even when there was a game happening and the walls were lined with spectators and
cheering, you could still hear clearly. It was believed to be engineering but that couldn't be proved.
No one really knew how the Mayans achieved such sound clarity with their structures.

The Mayans were ancient but much more advanced than we are today. The Mayans achieved no
violence against their own people for thirty years through science and psychology. The Mayans
were astronomically accurate without modern technology and machines.
A human born god was the only one who could enter the top of the pyramid and there he had all
the information to predict the weather, eclipses, many things. The human born god knew things that
no other in the entire world knew, so he had a choice: would he step out of the pyramid and
announce an eclipse to his people or would he step out of the pyramid and make it appear as if he
were creating the eclipse.

***
The next day, I noticed Paige with an enormous smile as she was on her lap top on the balcony.
"What's with the super happy grin?" I asked.
"Nothing," Paige said as I could hear her closing windows on her computer.
I noticed she had a facebook conversation open with her ex, Colin, before she closed it. I knew
she was hiding it. I believed that she didn't remember telling me about her ex the previous night as
she asked me how she got home. It couldn't have been more obvious that Colin was trying to woo
her once again and Paige was buying into it. I didn't say anything and gave Paige her space. It was
almost insulting that Paige assumed I was that stupid, but I continued on with my daily routine of

which she started to exclude herself from immensely.

Throughout the day, Paige was seemingly ignoring me. Everytime I would enter the room to talk
to her, she would split. I'd ask if she wanted to go to another club, she would say she was too tired
and then go to the beach. I would out to beach and she would go back inside the resort. Jill was
pleasant enough to talk to me but would avoid any conversation geared toward her sister. After
putting up with the displaced treatment all day, I got frustrated and confronted Paige in our room
which became only hers shortly after the following conversation: Is there anything you want to tell
me, you skipped out on Coco Bongo, you skipped out on the Mayan Ruins and I don't think I've
seen you put down that laptop once. You've been very indifferent since we got to Mexico.
I think we moved too fast with this relationship. Things have been getting heavily committed
and I feel like I need to step back and think about where all this is going. I just kind of realized
some things the other day and I think we should go back to being friends for now.
So that's the card you want to play? Tell Colin I say 'Hi.' I said coldly before turning around to
leave.
What makes you think I'm talking to Colin? she countered defensively.
Too much.
She didn't need to make excuses for suddenly withdrawing her emotion, I knew what was what. I
assumed that Paige was going to come to her senses and realize what she was doing, but she didn't.
I slept on the fold-out couch for the night.

Chapter 8
Rachel of Chicago & Kara of Toronto

I went down to the beach to catch some sunshine and improve my tan. I laid down on a tanning
chair and soaked in the light for about an hour. I got up, looked around and spotted an attractive girl
that had the perfect golden tan. I was still pale white after spending three days in Mexico, so I
decided to use my skin tone as a conversation starter. She walked out onto the pier and I made my
way to her.
"You got a really nice tan," I complimented, "Is there a trick to getting that perfect golden tan?
I've been here all week and I'm still pretty white."
"Not really, you just lay in the sun for a long time and you get there."
"Yeah, pretty straight forward," I said while I dove into the clear teal water. When I came up she
advised that I jump into water and get wet every twenty minutes.
"It speeds up your tanning," she said as she jumped into the water beside me.
I asked her if she was American. She was from Chicago, Illinois and her name was Rachel; she
was staying at the same resort I was. It turned out that it was her forth time in Cancun and she was
consistently vacationing in exotic areas.
I informed her I was Canadian and she told me she thought I had that type of accent. We got deep
into a conversation about the differences between our cultures. Rachel wondered if Canada had a
President, if there was snow all year round, and we somehow got into talking about natural disasters
and 2012 on the Mayan Calender. The conversation shifted to how other cultures think Americans
are brutally unintelligent. I assured her that I assumed many Americans were in fact very smart and
that the not-so-smart ones were commonly put in the spotlight.
We got out of the water, sat down on the pier leaving our feet dipped in the water. Rachel was
mirroring some of my movements and her body language was very inviting so I decided to risk it, I
leaned in to kiss her and she lightly kissed me back.
I pulled away and she smiled. I leaned back in but she put her hand up blocking my face.
"My family is on the beach watching me, she warned, so I got to keep it PG rated. I don't want
them giving me hell for kissing a Canadian boy."
A woman began walking over from the beach and sat down near Rachel and I. The woman
looked very young, I thought she was Rachel's sister until she informed otherwise; she was Rachel's
aunt.
Rachel and I carried small talk under the watchful eye of her aunt. I wanted to kiss Rachel and I
knew she did too. We both wanted her aunt to leave, eventually thirty minutes passed and she was
still sitting behind us. I knew she wasn't going to go anywhere until we were split up. I wanted to
ask if we could meet up later but didn't want to raise any alarms with her careful relatives.

"I'm going to head back to the beach," I told her.

"Oh, it was really nice meeting you," Rachel told me as she meekly shook my hand.
I walked back onto the beach and I noticed Rachel and her aunt begin to head back as well. I laid
down and continued tanning for twenty more minutes. I took my sun glasses off and looked around
the beach, Rachel was laying on a tanning chair a few yards down the beach and her family was
nowhere to be seen.
I made my move; I walked over to her and asked, "Are you busy tonight? I was wondering if you
wanted to hang out later."
"Sure," she said casually. "Sorry for my aunt by the way, I just wanted her to go away but she's
really overprotective.
I understand, I smiled.
My family wants to go shopping in a bit, we might be back by 8:00 tonight. Is that too late?"
"Eight is fine, See you then.
She knew it was a date.
I retreated to the resort room and Paige was on her lap top as usual. I stood in the doorway,
leaning against it.
"I met someone today." I said, announcing my presence.
"You did?"
"Cute American girl. Her name's Rachel. We have a date at eight'o'clock."
"Why are you telling me this?" Paige asked with concerned look on her face."
"Because, I want you to ask me not to go. I want you to stop me. Tell me that this isn't right."
"I don't know if I can. I don't know how I feel."
"I will go meet this girl unless you tell me not to. I will do something that I can't take back. So
you need to find yourself and make this decision right now."
"I'm sorry, Jordan. You should go meet her. I won't hold it against you."
"I see. You really don't care anymore. If you loved me, you wouldn't be so indifferent about this.
You'd be fighting for me with your teeth and nails, you'd be screaming at me for even wondering
how I could consider such a thing."
"I don't know what to say."
"It's over, Paige. I won't wait for you to decide if you want me or not. I won't be an option to you
while you're my priority. I will never submit myself to that kind of treatment."
I walked out of the room, letting a single tear escape my eye before I demanded composure from
myself.
Eight came by sooner than expected and I and went down to the beach hoping she would be there
on time. She wasn't there and I waited for about twenty minutes. I was feeling a little down on my
luck, she stood me up.
Maybe it was a sign. Maybe this was the universe's way of telling me to fight for Paige.

***
The next day I stayed inside and didn't dare to go out until after dark. I was suffering from mild
heat stroke, I was sweating in bed all day and had the shakes, felt like puking, and had a booming
headache. I was red as an overripe tomato, and it hurt to touch everything. All this suffering had
better turn into a great tan, I thought to myself.
Around midnight, I walked out to the pool area of the resort. A group of drunken 25-35 year olds
were chatting and smoking cigars at a patio set. To my horror, I saw a muscle toned man jot along
side the pool and jump in completely nude.
"Oh my god, look at this terrified guy," A woman shouted, "he just walked out at the worst
possible moment to see Mike jumping in the pool.
"What the hell did I just walk in on?" I asked, slightly humoured.
"Come over here. Sit down, make yourself at home, A blonde told me. Her face was mildly
aged but she was still very attractive. She was in her mid thirties, I presumed. When I came to the
table I was introduced to a man named Darren who offered me a cigar. I gracefully accepted and sat
down at the woman's request.
The blonde presented herself as Laureen. A brunette at the table shook my hand and said her
name was Kara, and the final female presented herself as Emily.
The only other male I didn't know was a Scottish speeched gentleman named Gale. Everyone at
the table claimed to feel sorry for the poor American who walked in on the naked guy. I corrected
them and told them I was Canadian. They welcomed me even further knowing that I shared their
citizenship.
"Where in Canada are you from?" Kara asked. Kara looked the closest to my age, she was
twenty-six.
"I'm from Nelson, British Columbia. It's considered the pot smoking capital of Canada," I
explained with a touch of cockiness.
"Oh we know," Mike said aloud as he got dressed and sat down at the table, we've been there
before.
The ladies burst out laughing, making remarks of me. We're all a decade older than him and
we're probably making him feel like such an outcast!" Laureen said.
"Not at all. If anything, I think you guy's are a little more wild than me," I replied.
"That's how most young people are. The younger you are, the more mature you are at heart, but
the older you get, the more like us you become, more immature than spring breakers," they
chuckled.
"That's so true," the one named Mike proclaimed. He started getting nude again and took a dive
into the pool, his bare ass was magnified under the ripples of the water. Kara noticed this and
laughed uncontrollably while making a comment about it.

"That's just one more reason to not trust Air Canada pilots," Darren claimed.
The group started making jokes about Mike's piloting. It wasn't until about ten minutes that I
realized Mike truly was in fact a pilot.
"I will never fly with Mike because his landings make feel like the whole jet is going to do a
nose dive into the runway and blow the fuck up," Darren remarked.
"If you ever get him as a pilot," Emily spoke aloud, "get off the fucking plane. He has the most
rough landings ever. I think I'm going to die every time I fly with him."
"Wait a minute, he is actually an Air Canada pilot?" I asked skeptically. I didn't believe it.
"Yeah, he's my husband!" Kara said in pure honesty, "Here, have some of this" she told me as she
grabbed a glass from the bar and poured it full of cooler that they had at the table. "It's only five
percent but at least I'm giving you a drink."
Kara kept catching eye contact with me and holding it throughout the interaction.
Emily looked at me, "Mike is actually a great pilot. You''ll never be safer than with him flying
the plane. So next time you fly, go with Air Canada. Trust us."
"You know, I've been with Air Canada a few times and the flight with total shit. You know why?
Because Mike wasn't flying the plane!" I joked.
The group laughed wildly.
"Fuck man, you're the coolest twenty-one year old to hang out with us," Mike told me as he came
back from the pool dripping wet, "Actually you're the only twenty-one year old to hang out with us.
I'm going to give you my email. Anytime you want free reservations and all inclusive, hit me up!"
He wrote down his email for me.
"Don't hold him to it. He's too drunk to even remember you," Kara said, "but I'll remember you.
I'm good like that."
I couldn't help getting the feeling that Kara had been flirting with me ever since ambivalent
arrival.
The entire group decided to go jump in the ocean down the beach, far from where Kara and I
remained by the patio.
"Why don't you join them?" I asked Kara.
"Their shenanigans get a little old after some time," she told me, "come with me, we're going to
do our own thing." I stood quietly as I followed her to the swimming pool. She pulled her clothes
off and jumped into the pool completely naked.
I stood there like an idiot.
"Are you going to join me or wait for my husband to come back, Kara said to me.
I looked down at the beach, they all seemed busy having a good time. I took all my clothes off
and jumped in beside her.
You seem pretty innocent, Kara mocked.
I'm far from it, I countered.
Your confidence is certainly there, she replied.

What do you think draws the line between an innocent man and the opposite? I asked her.
Experience, Kara stated, she was looking at me intensely.
I have a lot of that.
I realized what I was doing, I realized what she was doing. She had me qualifying myself to her,
I should've been making her qualify herself to me, it wasn't too late to turn the tables.
So what do you have going for yourself other than your looks?
You mean other than the fact that I'm married to a man who has one of the highest paying jobs
in North America? I'm one of the best lays you could have, I'm sneaky, smart, and I like younger
men.
I knew what was happening, the whole situation didn't feel real, it seemed the cliche workings of
a movie, but it wasn't a movie and I saw an opportunity. I looked down the beach, her husband was
nowhere in sight so I boldly made the move. I kissed her and she stuck her tongue in my mouth.
I pulled back and looked into her eyes. She was grinning and I was shocked over what I had
done, I was shocked over what she was doing. I checked for her husband again and she noticed that.
You're so innocent.
How do you figure that? I asked.
You're hesitant. You're careful. Although I'm impressed that you're only twenty-one.
I've been through a lot.
Like what?
Near death experiences, immense loss, disloyal women, heartache.
Were you in love?
I was.
Love corrupts. I think love is a lie and it's one big game.
Is that why you're doing this right now?
Kara nodded.
I understood. Kara was five years older than me, she was married, and she was fucking around
on her husband when he wasn't far and could easily catch us.
Was love really just a myth, a joke, a game of attraction to played and won. Was it a means of
having control or power over another's emotion? Even if love was genuine, it almost always had an
expiry date, most will always and eventually fall out of love.
I thought about Paige, how immensely deep our emotion and connection ran, and how real our
'love' felt. Then it was so easily compromised and her whole character toward me did a 180 degree
shift. I felt betrayed. That moment of heartbreak was where I truly wanted to turn my back on
innocence.
Kara thought that hesitation and carefulness were qualities of innocence, so I showed none. In
that moment of letting Paige go and accepting what was, I exerted myself into Kara. I pushed her
back against the edge of the pool and kissed her intensely. She wrapped her legs around me as I felt
her breasts. I felt like I was living out some sick fantasy spawned of a corrupt marriage, and I

probably was.
Kara slipped out of the pool and gestured me to follow. I grabbed my clothes as did she. I
followed her back into the resort lobby and we took an elevator up to 38th floor.
She unlocked her room's door with the key card and laid down on the bed waiting for me. I stood
there for a moment like an idiot thinking I was getting in too deep.
I snapped out of my thought and pulled her thong down her legs. I went down on her and began
spelling the ABC's with my tongue. She spread her legs even further and moaned loudly. "Just fuck
me," she said aloud. I pulled my shorts off in a hurry and went inside her. She moaned and twisted
her body as I continued inside her. I was getting close and she knew it. "Cum inside me," she said,
"I'm on birth control." I got to my climax as she did. Her grasp tightened around me and she dug her
nails into my back.
She finally released when the moment was over. "Thank you," she managed to say under her
hard breaths, "get out."
"What?" I replied.
"Get out," Kara repeated, "unless you want Mike to come back any minute to beat the living shit
out of you."
I immediately got the point and walked out of the room overwhelmed and breathing heavily. I
got the next elevator to my floor, Paige and Jill were asleep and I jumped onto the foldout bed. I
made it my goal to sleep with an attractive young, American girl. Instead I slept with an attractive,
mature but still young, Canadian woman. Close enough.
I laid awake for hours thinking about what happened and Paige. What happened felt weird and so
out of place. Paige to be shifting away from me felt wrong, like destiny strayed from it's path. To
sleep with a married women so promiscuously seemed out of character for myself and I felt sick out
of guilt for the act I'd done.
These things didn't feel right to me and nothing good appeared to hold weight for me anymore. I
was losing my sense of reality and life felt like a game. Without something good and real in my life
how could I stay grounded? I deserved better than this.

Chapter 9
Submerged

I headed out for Isla Mujeres, it was large island a couple miles off the coast of Cancun. I sat on
a catamaran that was flowing up and down the waves on a windy day. A diving instructor was
walking up and down the boat asking tourists if they were interested in going for a dive a few
kilometres off the coast of the island. He made the offer to me and I declined. The instructor named
Dario insisted that it was an unforgettable experience and showed me some pictures of his previous
dives.
I became interested and let him talk me into it. I paid the fee and filled out some waivers. The
instructor talked a pair of girls sitting right in front of me to go on the dive too. They were both
moderately attractive so I didn't mind. One of the women had a nice golden tan, long dirty-blonde
hair, and a sexy surfer look. Her friend was dark skinned and she spoke in Jamaican dialect.
When we arrived at the island, we waited for a boat to transport us to the diving location that was
forty-five minutes late. During the drawn-out wait, the girls were sitting at the table next to mine.
"Is this your girls' first dive?" I asked.
They both replied with a yes.
"I'm a little scared. This is my first time doing anything like this," the blonde told me.
"I know what you mean. I'm a little nervous about it myself. I took a short scuba instruction
course in Hawaii, it was limited to a pool, but I found that it felt like I was running out of air when
breathing from the tank, even though you're not."
"Oh god," the blonde put her hands up to her face, "don't tell me that."
"I'm sure you'll be fine. It was about eight years ago."
The Jamaican girl asked me what my name was and we all got through introductions. The blonde
was Kelsey, and the Jamaican was Aleah. They were best friends and came to Cancun together.
"How old are you?" Aleah asked. I noticed she was good at dropping random questions when
they passed through her mind.
"Twenty-one, and you two are..."
"Nineteen and nineteen."
"Do I look my age?" I asked the girls. They both nodded."Okay, just wondering. I went to Coco
Bongo a few nights ago and the bouncer told me he thought I looked sixteen. I was like whaaat?"
"Oh no way, you definitely look over twenty at least, Aleah replied.
"Where you girls from?"
"Michigan."

Kelsey got into telling me a story about how she nearly had to cancel her trip to Cancun. She had
everything ready, packed up her bags and went to the airport with Aleah. After she arrived, she
realized her passport was expired. So they had to wait two weeks, buy new plane tickets, book
another resort, and drive all the way to Chicago to take the next availble flight to Cancun.
The boat finally arrived.
As the boat was speeding away from the dock, the instructor distributed our gear and verbally
taught us how to use it. Our first run was going to be the crash course without prior experience or
training.
The further away from the island we got, surprisingly, the less nervous I became and the more
excited I was. I was eager to get into the water.
Kelsey kept closing her eyes and leaving them shut for minutes at a time. I asked her if she was
sea sick.
"No, I love boat rides. I like to just close my eyes and feel the waves. It's relaxing."
I tried it out and closed my eyes with her. She was right, it did feel relaxing.
We put our wet suits on, masks, fins, and the boat stopped. One by one, we fastened our counter
weights, air tanks, and then leaned backward off the boat and into the water.
Kelsey and I were the final two on the boat, "Hopefully there arent any sharks around, I joked.
"Don't even joke about that!" Kelsey said, raising her voice and shooting me a very serious yet
silly look, "You have no idea how deathly afraid I am of sharks."
"It'll be okay, I'm sure most of them are friendly."
Kelsey raised her hand and smacked me on the arm, "It's not funny!" she laughed.
Kelsey and I got into the water. We joined the rest of the divers behind the boat and grabbed onto
a rope that trailed from it.
"Put your faces in the water and look down. Stay like that for the next ten minutes. It's the only
way to get used to it. Don't let go of the rope," the instructor, Dario, explained.
Dario helped me submerge first, I didn't get enough time to get used to breathing and I became
very disorientated about half way down. I started to have an anxiety attack. My mask filled halfway
with water, my ears became pained from the pressure, and I felt like I was suffocating. I kept giving
Dario the hand signal to ascend but he wouldn't allow it. I released some of the water from my mask
like I was taught to on the boat and persisted to give the instructor the hand signal to ascend. Dario
was unrelenting and I gave in as he guided me further down the rope until I stood at the sandy
bottom of the sea. I finally became relaxed and calm, I adapted to the breathing pattern but I still
felt like I was mildly suffocating.
Dario went to descend Kelsey next. As Kelsey came down, she looked like she was in a greater
panic than I. She wasn't watching what she was doing as she descended and kicked me in the face
which dislodged my mask. Salt water burned my eyes and I desparately tried to place the mask and
get a proper seal which was a little difficult being blind underwater. It took me several moments to
release the water from the mask, I had to tilt my head back and continue blowing air into the mask
through my nose until I could see again. Kelsey was before me realizing what she had done and
tried to communicate an immense apology. I gave her the hand signal letting her know I was okay.

Kelsey and I waited for several minutes until the rest of the group came down without Aleah. Not
knowing what happened to Aleah, we followed Dario as he took us around the coral reef. It was a
another world on the ocean floor. We swam alongside schools of fish and observed sea turtles. I
swam right up to turtle and ran my hand over it's shell. I waved Kelsey over and she looked amazed
to do the same.
I shockingly lost all sense of direction under the water. We came around a large part of the reef
and came back over it like we were backtracking. Instead of seeing familiar ground, a whole new
area of the reef came into view. Whenever I stopped to look at something, I usually couldn't
decipher which direction I came from.
After forty-five minutes of exploration, I decided to check my air gauge. It was running pretty
low and the pin had just dropped into the red section of the gauge. I swam over to Dario and
showed him, he signaled that it was okay. I kept a close eye on the gauge and noticed it was
dropping abnormally fast. Dario's assistant swam over and pointed at my mouth piece, he took a
close look and grabbed my gauge. His eyes widened and he pulled me upward with urgency. I felt
disorientated again and then I knew for a fact that I had no air left. The assistant pulled the regulator
out of my mouth, and gave me his. We continued trading the regulator every couple breaths of air so
that we could both make it to the surface. I gasped as I came out of submersion; it felt amazing to
breathe fresh air again. I looked around and couldn't spot the boat anywhere.
"Over there," he instructed. I spotted the boat a great distance in the horizon.
The skies had become windy and we had to fight over large waves that toppled a few feet over
our heads. I swallowed salt water a couple times and gagged while trying not to puke.
"Keep this in, my savior told me, beckoning toward the mouth piece.
My air tank was completely depleted and the regulator could no longer serve any purpose. I
consistently pushed through a wave and opened my mouth to breathe as the next wave would strike
me, instead of air, I got gulp fulls of salt water. I was exhausted fighting against the waves and I
thought I was done for until about half way to the boat, it finally spotted us.
The boat launched through the waves until it slowed down beside us. It's operator placed a ladder
over the edge of the boat and I climbed back in to see Aleah sitting down looking sick. I took my
gear off and sat down beside her catching my breathe.
"I think there was an air leak in your regulator," Dario's assistant told me, "you shouldn't have
run out of air that fast. It was a good thing we got you up when we did."
"I can't...believe...that happened," I managed to murmur, panting like a dog.
He nodded and jumped back in the water to return to the group.
"Don't tell me you were up here the entire time," I said to Aleah after regaining my composure.
"Yeah, I felt really sea-sick. Still do," she mumbled.
Everyone else started surfacing near the boat. Kelsey came up first and tiredly sat down beside
me.
"How you come you went up so early?"
"I ran out of air. From the sounds of it, I had only moments to spare."
"Oh my god, that's scary! I found a really cool yellow fish and wanted to show you but I saw you

going up."
"What did you think of the experience?" I asked her.
"It was so amazing. I think I'm going to make this a hobby. You?"
"The same, I definitely want to do this again, but with reliable equipment."
Eventually everyone had climbed aboard. The boat started cutting through the water and took us
back to the island. I decided to purchase the DVD containing photos and underwater video of the
experience.
The greatest part of the vacation was that it was all-inclusive. All my meals, drinks, facilities,
tours, were covered in one price. I stepped up to the bar counter near the dock on Isla Mujeres and
ordered a Carribean Sea; it was Jamaican rum, blue curacao, coconut cream, and pineapple juice
delicious!
The Mexicans running the tour got most of the tourists winded up. A Mexican with a goofy smile
was running around with a bottle of tequila and was pouring a stream of it into tourist mouths.
I got hit up and kept my head tilted back. About ten seconds passed and the stream was still
pouring. People were getting into a repetitive clap and cheering for me. Another few seconds passed
and I pushed the bottle away from me. It burned down my throat and I knew it was going to hit me
soon.
Kelsey found me and called me an alcoholic. "I didn't see you take your tequila shot yet," I
teased.
I handed her my Caribbean Sea and she was instantly hooked, she wouldn't stop ordering them. I
began feeling the tequila and I knew Kelsey was getting a buzz on. We sat by the beach together.
"So you're staying at the same resort as I am," I brought up.
"How would you know that?" she asked, a little skeptical.
"Your wrist band, Palace Resorts, I saw it on you while we were underwater."
"Oh, arent you smart."
"I like to think so."
She then planted the biggest surprise kiss on my mouth that I had ever experienced.
"Whoa, what was that!" I stammered.
"I don't know," she giggled.
"Get over here," I said as I pulled her back toward me, engaging in serious lip lock.
I looked up for a moment and spotted Aleah giving me the most evil glare. It looked like she was
ready to come over and work some crazy voodoo on me.
The rest of the night was bliss. Kelsey and I made plans to meet on the sky deck the next
morning. Our resort had a large pool and bar that sat at the top of the skyscraper that overlooked the
city and ocean.

From left to right; unknown, myself, Kelsey.

Chapter 10
The Moon Palace

Kelsey and I caught a shuttle to a sister resort located thirty minutes south of Cancun. When we
arrived, we were in awe. The size of the resort could easily make up a moderate town, and the main
lobby was the size of a shopping mall. The Moon Palace was home to seven swimming pools, six
restaurants, two signature golf courses, world class spa's, free use of boats, sea-doo's, kayaks,
dolphin activities, and the liqour was still free.
What shocked me the most was the women; the pool area was packed with them. Hundreds of
beautiful college girls in bikini's were drinking, partying, and laying around catching rays. Every
girl was gorgeous, I couldn't spot a single overweight, or unattractive female.
It was more than a paradise and more vast than any fantasy or dream I ever had.
Music was booming over the area and I could hear an MC bringing people in toward an event.
Kelsey and I investigated the commotion and arrived just in time for a beer drinking contest. We
were eager to participate but the deadline to sign up had passed.
Twenty men and twenty women stood apart with a pedestal in between. The MC explained that
the men would compete between each other, they had to finish there beer and then crush their
plastic cup over their forehead. The first one to do this won the round.
The women also had to compete amongst themselves, had to finish their beer, but instead of
crushing their cup on their forehead, they had to shake their booties for the crowd.
I was liking the event more and more by the moment.
After the winner from both the male and female group were found, the two would represent their
gender and compete in one final round. The prize was an international cruise for two.
Some introductions were made, most of the males were from either Michigan or Indiana and one
was from the United Kingdom.
Most of the women were American with the exception of one British mother and a women from
Venezuela.
The men competed. The British chap went against a Michigan frat boy. The frat boy won and
smacked his fists against his chest and raised them in the air. The Americans were intently
competitive, they really took their alpha male demeanor to new heights.
The British mother competed with a young American girl. The MC started hitting on the mother
and making a big joke of it. He pointed out her son to the crowd as he had a disgusted look on his
face. "
Sorry kiddo, I'm going to be you're new step father!" The MC remarked.
The teenage son started booing.

The mother won against the American girl and she started to shake her booty for the crowd.
"Oh god, mom! No!" her son shouted.
The crowd laughed wildly as the mother and son became the center of attention.
As the competition endured, there were many laughs and entertaining reactions as the contestants
were getting noticeably intoxicated toward the finals. The cutest American girl was starting to
wobble and she forfeited in an amusing manner. She went to jump into the pool near Kelsey and I
and she slipped on the edge before slamming her chest into the curb around the pool. I could only
imagine how painful that was on her breasts. She cried out in pain and then started to laugh it off.
A male from Indiana ended up winning the contest. After it was over, countless drunk Americans
dispersed around the pool area and onto the beach.
Kelsey and I went down to the beach and got involved in a game of beach volley ball. Every time
the ball touched the sand, the person who was at fault had to drink. It was arranged for men against
women. Kelsey got really competitive with me, it was so cute. The women served the ball first and I
jumped up and bumped it back over the net. Kelsey jumped in to counter but knocked it into the net.
"Drinnnk!" one of the guys on my team rooted. We continued to volley the ball back and forth
between teams and I knocked it in Kelsey's direction expecting her to fumble the ball again. She
smacked it right at me, I shot my hands up but was too late. The ball hit me dead in the face. I
shamefully took a gulp from my Corona. I served the ball toward Kelsey and she shot it up toward
me again, I knocked it back over the net, and Kelsey pushed it back at me. It seemed my whole
team got out of my way as Kelsey and I shot the ball back and forth at each other, it turned into a
competition purely between the two of us. Both of our teams merely observed as the tension was
rising. Eventually my hands slipped and I had to finish my beer.
After a good hour, Kelsey and I went for a walk down the beach. "You screwed up at first, I
expected you to be bad, but then you blew me away," I told Kelsey.
"I was on the high school volley ball team," she smiled immensely.
"Of course you would be," I laughed.
We spotted a pier loaded with sea-doos further down the beach, Kelsey and I inquired, and we
took one out into the water. She held onto me from behind as I pushed it to full speed. It took me
some time to get used to how to operate the machine, but I started to get the hang of it and went
flying through the water. I was getting air off the waves and having a blast. Kelsey was getting
freaked out when the waves started growing in size into the blue abyss.
Kelsey, how much air do you think we can get off that wave over there? I asked.
Oh god, don't do it! she shouted.
I sent the sea-doo into full speed and went flying toward it. Big mistake. I went too fast over the
wave and the sea-doo practically did a nose dive into the wave that came after. The whole sea-doo
dove underwater as the wave toppled over Kelsey and I. I swallowed a mouthful of sea-water and I
could hear Kelsey coughing away behind me.
"Oh my god, I want to go back. Can we please go back, I don't like this at all, she begged.
I nodded and started to take us back. The waves were still just as intense and we were out pretty
far. Kelsey held onto me so tightly, I couldn't help but enjoy her worry.

When I docked the machine, Kelsey got off in a hurry. "I'm sorry," she said, "I didn't think it
would be that bad."
"It wasn't that bad, but yeah, I didn't like diving into that one wave either. Sea water is
disgusting."
"It was your crazy driving!" Kelsey scowled.
I raised an eyebrow, reached off the dock, grabbed a clump of sea weed and flicked it at her. She
screamed. "That's because you're so cute," I flirted.
We went back to the pool area and I spotted a girl in a red bikini walk past me with a colourful,
layered drink. It was green at the top, yellow in the middle, and red at the bottom. I stopped her to
ask what it was; a Bob Marley. I ordered one for Kelsey and I from one of the pool's swim-up bars.
I was really into trying out new drinks considering they were all-inclusive.
Kelsey was starting to get mad at me for the consistency I was checking out other girls in.
"The girl you asked about the Bob Marley, the one in the red bikini, yeah, I know you were into
her."
"Shut up! I was just dumbstruck by the colourful drink, and the girl in the red bikini was like the
perfect advertisement for it. Who wouldn't want to drink what she was drinking?"
"Oh my god, you..." Kelsey smacked me in the arm instead of finishing her sentence.
Kelsey and I went shopping at some of the resort's gift shops. I bought a cool looking t-shirt that
Kelsey said looked good on me. I bought Kelsey a pretty necklace so that she had something to
remember me by. She then bought me a ten ounce silver chain from a vendor after checking for a
number print, and scratching the inside of a link to check for its authenticity. Forty American dollars
for ten ounces, amazing deal considering silver was $32.68 per ounce in Canada at the time.
After dark, we sat down at the beach. It was immensely blissful with the sound of the waves
smoothly rolling onto the shore, the glistening stars in the sky, and the warm breeze sifting through
our hair.
"I've been thinking," Kelsey spoke, "I don't know much about you other than you're Canadian."
"I don't know much about you other than you're American, you're deathly afraid of sharks, you
don't like big waves, you're afraid of sea weed, but you like to spend lots of your time by the ocean.
What's up with that?" I joked.
"Hey! I was trying to have a serious a serious conversation. Seriously tell me something about
you."
"Alright, alright, I've been through a lot, I'm mentally hardened and strong due to the things I've
gone through, I make seemingly impossible goals for myself because I want to be extraordinary but
I constantly beat myself up for not being the best. I shouldn't even be telling you this, wow, the
liquor is getting to me."
"No, this is good. Yesterday when I met you I could tell that there was something great about
you. Something that no one else had."
I was flattered.
"Kelsey, I can tell what kind of person you are. You have this innocence about you. You haven't

been hurt a lot have you? Because the way you carry yourself shows in your attitude, you have this
calm, relaxed, and positive way about you. Even though you have your fears, you accept them and
don't let them hold you back from your experiences. I'm pretty sure that I know you haven't been
hurt by any romantic interest because you're open. I don't sense any walls in you at all and you're
full of this good, positive energy. It's amazing."
Kelsey blushed. "I've liked a lot of guys but I've never been in love. I want to experience it but
the right person hasn't come along, she said, her thoughts deepening.
No man wants to hear that their is something out there better than them, but I saw this as what it
was: a Spring Break fling, someone to make stories and memories with. Everyone dreams about the
perfect vacation and meeting the perfect person on that vacation because they go hand in hand. Who
wouldn't dream of being in a paradise and meeting someone seemingly perfect for them.
Kelsey was interested in me, no doubt, but the point she was trying to make was that she was still
looking for the wonder of love. Love is something so hyped and made out to be the most blissful
and perfect feeling. I understood why she was curious of it and wanted to find it.
Some rowdy teenagers ran down by the beach near Kelsey and I. I saw none other than the girl
who introduced me to the Bob Marley run down the beach with a group of men. They formed a
circle by the water and I could overhear them talking about skinny dipping.
"They're skinny dipping, we should join them," I laughed.
"Oh, fuck that!" Kelsey scoffed.
"You've gone scuba diving, kissed a hot guy you hardly you know," I said, pointing to myself.
"and battled violent waves on a sea-doo. You have to go skinny dipping; this is what Spring Break
is all about!"
Kelsey thought about it for a minute. "Fine, but only with you. Away from those people down the
beach."
"I was just teasing, but if you're really up to it..."
"Well apparently this is what Spring Break is all about," she smirked.
I got up and extended my hand to help her out of the sand. She squeezed my hand lightly so I left
it in hers. We walked down the beach and when we were a moderate distance from the skinny
dippers, she jumped in front of me and planted another surprise kiss on me. It wasn't spontaneous
and fun like it was the first time. She kept her lips locked on mine and was passionate in the way
she did it.
I brought her down into the sand and we just laid there and made out for ten minutes.
"I wish there was a guy like you back home," she said to me.
I knew she was starting to feel something real for me. It started as a simple and fun fling but
turned into a real connection. I couldn't help but feel moved by her compassion toward me.
"I wish I had a girl like you back home too, things would be so much more...perfect," I told her.
"Now you're showing me the real you.
I remained silent.
She took off her low cut bikini top and revealed her breasts to me. She pressed them up against

my chest as I caressed her. I wasn't feeling it though, something about the way she saw me, the real
me, left a mark. I was suffering from an immensely broken heart and I didn't believe it could ever
fully heal.
It pained me that things progressed so quickly with Paige and her feelings for me shifted away
just as suddenly as they fell into place. When she said we should go back to being friends, I knew it
was over, and we probably weren't going to regain what we had. I didn't want to admit that it was
getting to me so deeply. I was hiding from my emotions and distracting myself in new experiences,
activities, and women. But I couldn't hide from my emotions anymore, and they surfaced.
"I can't do this, " I said embarrassingly to Kelsey.
"What's wrong?" she asked, stunned.
I started pouring everything about Paige out.
"She was incredibly special to me, I didn't realize how special she was to me until she started
slipping through my fingers. I'm trying to start over, reset myself for another woman. I've been
doing really good, meeting lots of woman who are even out of Paige's league, but it doesn't feel
right. When I kiss another girl or we get into a bed and the inevitable is ready to happen, I just feel
like it should be with Paige instead of a near stranger. I'm sorry, I said to Kelsey pathetically.
"It's okay," Kelsey spoke as she looked into my eyes deeply and gave me a peck.
"I'm trying to move on and I need these to feelings to end immediately. I'm in a new country, this
place is amazing, the atmosphere, the energy, it's so great, if I can't do it here, I might not be able to
let go anywhere else."
Kelsey nodded, It's got nothing to do with the place, the wound is still fresh, you need to give it
time to heal first.
She was right. I was drunk, emotionally damaged, and wasn't thinking clearly. I was very much
in love with Paige. Half of me wanted to keep holding on and fight for her, the other half wanted to
be rid of her and wanted the emotional dependency to end.
For the last two days, I built myself up into this outstanding guy who had his shit together, and as
soon as we had reached a significant moment, I fell apart on her. I felt so worthless and pathetic but
Kelsey understood. She didn't judge me, she just listened.
We stayed up all night talking about personal feelings and Kelsey made me feel better by sharing
some of her own feelings of inadequacy with me. It was clear that a lot of the attraction she had for
me disappeared after my breakdown, but she didn't treat me any differently other than the fact she
didn't look at me as a compatible partner anymore.
***
In the morning, when the shuttle arrived back to the Beach Palace, Kelsey and I parted ways. I
returned to my room but I was locked out and wasn't given a key card. I headed out to the beach and
spotted Paige and her sister Jill tanning on a set of beach chairs before the ocean.
"Hey," I said weakly with a hangover, feeling down.

"Where the fuck have you been?" Paige asked seriously, "We were thinking about going out to
look for you but figured you just crashed in some slut's room."
"I was at the Moon Palace, got caught up in some spring break madness. You should come check
it out on another day," I recommended.
Jill wanted to go for a swim while Paige was set on getting her perfect tan. I joined Jill and went
body surfing in the large waves that came crashing onto shore. Jill and I actually had a pretty good
time, she was generally shy whenever I came around but it seemed like she was letting loose.
"Lets hit this one together," I told Jill as a large wave began tunneling several meters away from
us. We jumped away from the wave and it carried us many feet.
I felt like Jill was starting to warm up to me but she was still immensely shy.
I slept in the entire day while Paige and Jill went to Aqua World. From what they told me, it was
quite the adventure with snorkeling, sea-dooing, and speed boating through the lagoon. It was
unfortunate that I missed it.
When I got up in the evening, Paige fell asleep watching TV as she had a long day. I stepped out
onto the balcony and found Jill standing by the railing looking off into the beautiful, star-dazzeled
sky.
"Why are you so shy?" I asked her, still in somewhat of a slumber.
"I'm not shy, I just don't really know you."
"You're not that good at getting to know people," I bugged, "we've been on a trip together for
half a week already and you seem to avoid me like the plague."
Jill was silent for moment, but then she spoke, "You're like my sister, and I'm not like either of
you. I'm not into the parties and drinking. I like the way I am."
"I can appreciate that. You're young though, only nineteen. You haven't had a true taste of 'the
party.' Eventually, you all get there."
"I've had a taste and I don't trust myself in that crowd. That's what I mean when I say I like who I
am. I don't want to get involved in the party bullshit and let it change me."
"I just spent the last couple days with a great girl named Kelsey. She was no party animal mind
you, but she was a little bit like you: innocent."
"Oh, so that's why you disappeared the last couple days. Paige was pissed about that! You're
suppose to be here with her and not some girl you met on the beach."
"I know. Don't tell her, okay?"
"I'll tell her whatever she deserves to know, Jill said intimidatingly as she turned and looked me
in the face closely.
"Your sister has her own shit to work out. When she's on Facebook pouring her heart out to her
ex and wondering if she still has feelings for him, do you expect me to awkwardly sit around this
place waiting for her to figure it out? I bought and paid for my own expenses here, I deserve to
enjoy my time here instead of waiting for Paige. I feel bad that we're not spending time together, but
it was her decision to open up her lap top and fall into that mess."
"I guess so," Jill said, suddenly looking unsure of herself.

"What's going on with you?" I asked changing the subject, "you're standing out here all alone
looking up at the sky, their is definitely something going on in that head of yours."
"I don't want to talk about it," she replied coldly.
"So you're not bullshit free after all," I said humorously.
"You're an ass," she told me as she started to walk back inside.
I followed her, Your family really likes their secrets don't they. I remarked.
Jill spun around and stared into me with angering eyes. I used to party with my sister, she
started getting me drunk when I was fifteen and didn't know what the hell I doing. She took me to a
party and I had sex with a twenty year old because I felt pressured to be popular like her. I was
practically raped. Then it happened again with some other guy. I never felt so used in my entire life
and I cried off and on for weeks. That's why I don't party and that's why I don't want to be like
either of you!
My mind flooded with awe and sympathy. That explained her shyness, her frigidness, and why
she socially distanced herself from me. It wasn't just me, I haven't seen her close to anyone else
either. She'd been psychologically scarred as a young teenager.
"Come for a walk with me," I suggested.
"Why?" she asked.
"It'll be good for both of us." I spoke gently.
"No," she told me as she went into her room and shut the door.
That was that.

Chapter 11
Hate Every Beautiful Day

Tension was high. Paige was pissed off at me, and Jill seemingly hated me.
I laid down on a beach chair surfing the internet on my iPhone. Jill appeared by my side after a
half hour, "Still want to go for that walk?" she asked.
"Sure," I replied, bewildered.
Sand sifted between our toes in the perfect white sand as we made our way along the shoreline. I
wondered why Jill had wanted to go for that walk because she remained quiet for several long
minutes.
"Um," slipped my mouth in attempt to begin conversation.
"Paige is getting back with Colin," Jill said with a definite tone.
I was surprised, "I didn't think she would."
"Well she is. She wanted me to hang out with you for the next couple days and help you find
some girl to hit on, but you already did that."
"Fuck!" I shouted and kicked sand into the air, "I've had it with you girls, you're both mentally
deficient! You know, I tried to be nice and chalk it down to shyness for you, but no, you're just a
plain old bitch." I started stomping off down the beach and Jill merely followed me quietly. "What
are you doing now?" I asked.
"Waiting for you to calm down and talk," she replied.
"Not going to happen, just go back to the resort," I said stubbornly.
She left down the beach and I wished I hadn't sent her away. I thought about calling out to her
and asking her to come back, but I didn't.
In Mexico, public intoxication wasn't against the law. I went to the nearest liqour store and
bought a bottle of Jamaican rum, sat down on the beach and starting drinking straight from the
bottle as way to vent my frustration.
I was just looking out into ocean and observing couples laughing and having fun together in the
waves crashing onto the shore. I was envious. I didn't want a hundred meaningless flings, I just
wanted to find someone special in my life; someone that could fill the void of emptiness.
I continued walking down the beach and spotted Kelsey and Aleah together. I was so thankful
that I bumped into them again.
Hey! I greeted. They warmly greeted me back.
The three of us hung out on the beach for an hour and I shared my Jamaican rum with them.
Are you feeling better now? Kelsey asked me.

I am right now, I smiled.

You worked everything out with that girl?
Her sister actually told me that she's getting back with her ex and encouraged that I hit on other
girls, only an hour ago.
Oh god!
I'm not dwelling on it, I lied, I got it all out, thanks for listening the other night, it helped a
lot.
No problem! I'm really glad you're okay now.
I figured I could redeem myself with Kelsey if I played my cards right, so I unleashed the most a
barage of pick up material I had on her. I started with something called the best friends test, I think
it's pretty obvious that you and Aleah are best friends if you're traveling together, but lets see how
good of friends you really are, I told them, I'm going to do the best friends test on you two.
This sounds interesting, Kelsey laughed. Okay, lets do it.
Alright, both of you make eye contact with me, I instructed. Do you both use the same
shampoo?
Kelsey looked at Aleah oddly. Aleah didn't drop eye contact. They both replied, We don't
know.
The question didn't even matter, best friends usually look at eachother before answering. Kelsey
looked, but Aleah didn't, so that means Kelsey is the better friend.
The girls burst out laughing and Kelsey started teasing Aleah about it.
I moved into a routine called The Cube Test. Have you ever done the cube test? I asked Kelsey.
I dont know what it is, but it sounds fun. Is it like the best friends thing, she said, her eyes
gleaming full of attentiveness.
Imagine a cube, tell me what color this cube is; whether its solid or transparent, and where it is,
I want you to tell me everything there is to know about this cube.
Okay um, red cube, its sort of transparent. Its surrounded by a black background and yeah,
thats it, she replied.
Interesting, I replied approving her answer, now imagine an object outside this cube, it can be
anything, what is it?
Its an elephant! she exclaimed.
Oh boy, this is going to be a hard one. Now, imagine an object inside the cube, what is it?
It's Aleah, she claimed, putting her arm around her. So whats it all mean?
Ill tell you what it all means, absolutely nothing. I made it all up.
Oh my god, are you serious?
I'm just kidding, I laughed. It actually means something. The black surrounding of your cube
describes how you feel about the things around you. You feel as if your life is surrounded by things
that are uncertain and you can't see or predict it. Now the fact that your cube is red is symbolic for
your personality. Red is a strong color, it describes your passion, determination, and strong

personality. Your cube being transparent and not solid shows that your strong personality and
determination has flaws, like your feelings of inadequacy. The elephant, now I could be wrong, but
Im betting it means that you think big and desire things much greater then what you see around
you, I finished watching her interest become amazement.
You are so smart! I actually think you could be right! she exclaimed, her words dripping with
enthusiasm.
Ive learned that one thing women love is somebody who can teach them about herself. The trick
to the cube is that after they tell you their answers, its left up to your own interpretation of what it
could mean. You feel surrounded by difficulty, and you feel trapped and feel the need to break out
from it, and accomplish better things in your life; that sums up most people in the world. Its runs
along the lines of fortune telling, palm reading, and all of that nonsense. These psychics can tell you
things so vague that it's almost as if theyre announcing societies problems as one, but only
applying it to you.
I learned the cube test from The Game but made it my own and turned it into a very simple
formula. The cube is the person itself, the surrounding is how they view the world around them, you
ask them to imagine an object outside the cube; it's interpreted to something they desire. Then you
ask them to imagine an object inside the cube; it's interpreted to something they already obtained.
Through this; you create some deep and imaginative explanation and if you thought it through well
enough, the girl will find it accurate and she'll be impressed if not attracted.
***
Paige became a complete stranger to me in a mere few short days. She avoided me and only
spoke to me when it was necessary. I felt I was truly in love with her but didn't want to act out in
desperation. Desperation was the single most condemning act to bring what was had past it's point
of no return.
I didn't see Paige or Jill much for the final days of the trip. I spent most of the nights going to the
clubs and hanging out with new people I'd been meeting. I'd invited Kelsey and Aleah out to a club
called 'The City.' I woke up next to her at the resort the following morning, not entirely
remembering how I got there.
It was my last morning in Cancun as my flight left mid-day. I explained this to Kelsey as she
kissed me a long and passionate goodbye. Alcohol and another woman was perhaps the greatest
break-up cure. After sleeping with Kelsey, I felt I could tackle this Paige situation with confidence.
I eventually had to face the awkwardness when I had to go to the airport with a booming
hangover. I popped two tylenol before boarding the plane, sitting beside Paige for what would be
the entire flight back to Canada.
Paige said two words to me for half the flight; 'Excuse me.' and that was so she could get up to
to use the washroom. When she returned to her seat, I ambushed her. "So are you going to keep this
no talking rule up or just tell me that you got back with Colin."
She looked at me for a moment with seriously offended eyes. She opened her mouth to speak but
before she got a word out I interrupted.

"Blah blah blah, I'm sorry, maybe we can still be friends. I've had that talk more times than I can
count," I explained. "We were friends in the beginning and we can be friends now. So you
reconciled with your boyfriend, that's great, I'm happy for you, really, but you don't need act like
I'm still your boyfriend and you have to sneak around me. When we got into this, we said no
emotional attachment, neither of us held up that agreement but there doesn't need to be any hard
feelings.
Paige's mouth hung open for half a second, "Whoa, kay. Fuck Jordan, you're too smart for your
own good. I'm sorry but yeah, Colin and I got back together, I'm so glad that's your take on it. I've
been feeling so awkward around you this whole trip and all you had to do was speak up!"
"Don't put this on me," I laughed as I smacked Paige's arm like Kelsey had done to me many
times, she rubbed off on me. "I met some pretty amazing women in Cancun. I have memories I'll
never forget and it wouldn't have happened if I was glued to you this whole trip. I guess things
worked out for the best?"
I was angry, hurt, betrayed, but I kept those feelings hidden to put the act of friendship in place.
It would allow me to keep a foothold if I should find the right opportunity to gain Paige back.
Despite that, Paige was too valuable, even as a friend, to let escape my grasp. I wanted her on my
side, always.
Love sometimes consists of two mental processes rebelling against each other: emotion and
logic. Emotion is genuine and real, it's the true love most young people know. But then theres the
logical side; it's a masked affection. Even though the attraction may be there, the other person
knows you're good for them and they merely settle for that reason, even if they're not truly in love.
The people that settle have a scarcity mentally, they believe that there are only a limited number
of opportunities and you need to fight and hold on to the things you have because you may never
get them again. On the other hand, many people have the abundance mentality and think that there
is enough opportunity in the world, whether it's related to money, love, business, there is enough for
everyone. That's why people with very little appear needy and desperate; they live with scarcity.
The people with abundance appear too good and attractive because they hold higher value and
believe many more opportunities will come to them despite what you have to offer.
Paige was raised in abundance, I was raised in scarcity, that was why it never worked out. She
thought there was so much more out there for her, when I thought there was only her.
Paige's closed approach had been blown away. She poured out what she was feelings over the
past week in a long tiresome hour. In between she asked me about Kelsey, Mackenzie, Rachel,
Kara, and the many other girls I had encountered on my vestiges in Mexico. Down to her core,
Paige was a free spirited girl that liked to party, she didn't like being locked down and wanted her
freedom. She knew I was looking for commitment but she wasn't likely ready to jump into a new
commitment as she had not gotten over Colin. She was uncertain about how I would take the whole
situation and was fearful of making such a deafening blow to me.
One thing I didn't dare tell Paige however, was my intrigued attraction for her sister, Jill.

Chapter 12
The Last Conquest

It was back to the frosty atmosphere of Edmonton. Winter always ended late that far up north and
the snow fall was still going strong.
I found a friend request from Jill on Facebook, I accepted and asked her she wanted to hang out.
She happened to be online and replied right away.
We agreed to meet up on the long stretch of sidewalk along the street of large mansions.
I saw her steadily making her way toward me. There was something immensely different about
her, she dyed her hair a vivid blonde. It looked surprisingly good on her but I missed her silky, red
hair.
We walked up to each other but she hadn't finished her conversation on the phone. We stopped
directly in front of each other and I stood there until she had finally said goodbye after a few
minutes.
I was going to mention how rude it was to keep me waiting while she finished up her
conversation but I decided to let it go with the way she shyly said "Hi." When we started talking she
was stuttering every dozen words and fidgeted her head a lot, looking away from me after every
question and looking at the ground frequently.
"You've never done this before have you?" I asked humorously.
"No, I've never just blindly met someone I hardly know like this. The only reason I trust you
enough to meet with you is because Paige vouched for you. She said you're one the best guys to
know. "
"She said that? Well, trust me, she's not wrong," I smiled proudly.
It just takes me a while to warm up to anyone I don't know or I get kind of nervous. And you
were kind of intimidating in Mexico.
Jill informed me that she replaced her afternoon walk to meet me. She told me that she usually
walked out to a cliff point that held a serene view. She agreed to take me down the path it took to
get there and share a piece of her daily life with me. Jill had led me through her neighbourhood and
down a maze of pathways into the forest. Jill kept laughing at how disoriented I looked as we
influxed onto maze-like trails. I kept assuring her I wasn't lost even though I was pretty sure that I
was in fact astray.
"I need a female opinion; who do you think lies more, men or women?
"Hm, thats hard to say, it's probably equal," she replied.
"I think it's pretty close to equal too, but women are far better liars than men," I theorized.
"What do you mean?"

"Women are so much better at picking up on things than men. Especially body language, most
men fail to notice simple things so they can be pretty blind to an obvious lie a girl might tell. On top
of that, women can be really deceptive, I concluded.
"Oh I see. I assume you're speaking from experience."
"More or less."
"I personally find it hard to lie to someone. I just can't look someone in the eye and then lie to
them. It's easy for me to lie in a text or over the phone though," she responded openly.
She was already honest and talkative. Not every girl was worth meeting and after enough
experience you can initially tell in the first moments when a girl wasn't worth it. Its the unworthy
ones that you have to entertain and work to keep interested. Worthwhile women will provide you
with all you need to talk to them. No routines or techniques needed .
"Really, why is it so hard in person?" I continued.
"It's just the fact that it makes me feel worse about what I'm about to do and the guilt is
overwhelming."
"I think a lot of people find it easy through text and messages because you're in the comfort of
being outside the situation. In person, you feel more bare and vulnerable."
"Exactly. What do you think is the worst lie a person can tell?" she asked.
"Thats a tough one. Do you consider keeping knowledge from someone as a lie because if
someone in a relationship cheats and hides it, I'd consider that to be the worst lie."
"Oh yeah, for sure."
"How about you?" I asked.
"I think saying 'I love you' and not meaning it is the worst lie."
"Personally I think it's pretty obvious when someone says those words and don't mean it.
Teenagers are the worst, they get caught up in it when they're too young to even have a genuine
understanding of love."
"Yeah, without a doubt. I find when you're in a relationship and your partner says it, you feel
obligated to say it back. You're afraid that if you don't, the other person will take it the wrong way.
But nowadays it's not something I come across anymore. The last time I was in a relationship, I was
sixteen so it's not something I really encounter."
"Love is a really complicated thing to talk about because everyone one has their own concept of
love and it means different things to different people. Like to some, love is cheap; they feel it's
alright to love many times and with multiple people at once, to others; they feel it's strictly divine
and it can only be a single and true experience."
"You're intriguing," she smiled while locking her gaze further into me.
"Thank you," I replied, "so, whats your opinion of love?"
"I don't really know, I haven't had the chance to experience it. I have gone out with a few guy's
and when we got remotely close they just left because they were afraid of commitment. Now it's
done the same to me, when I get close to someone I tend to push them away. I guess I'm afraid to
get close to anyone. I want to have the chance to experience love but it's hard when you're also

afraid of it."
"You're scared of the vulnerability?"
"Yeah, I've only had sex with two men and they were both mistakes; I found out I was just a
trophy and bragging right to them. You'd feel very vulnerable. I know I'm not a virgin anymore but
I'm saving myself now. The next time it will only be with the right guy."
I complimented Jill on her morals and values. Most women I knew felt that their first was a
mistake and because it had already been made they no longer saved themselves. I admired Jill for
being able to realize the mistake and not continue making it.
"My parents raised me well," she smiled proudly.
"I agree," I lightly complimented, a lot of girls from a wealthy background turn out pretty snotty
because their parents spoil them and their children get everything they want. You're not like that at
all, you and your sister turned out great. You should be proud about that.
"When I was in high school, most of the girls were stuck up. So many girls think they're better
than everyone else because they drive a nice car and their parents have a lot of money. It's
ridiculous. That's one part of high school I will not miss," Jill told me.
"That was my biggest pet peeve in high school," I said shaking my head, "I knew people driving
sports cars to school and house parties like they owned the vehicle. They would brag about this and
that. So what? Your parents have a lot of money and they're allowing you to drive their investment,
that doesn't define anything about you as a person. Being spoiled is fun, thats cool, but I'm not that
fortunate and I have to work for those things; I earn them instead of having them handed down to
me. I don't think that makes me any less of a person. In fact, I honestly think that makes me better
than wealthy people. I think more of people who earned something for themselves rather than those
who just had it given them."
She leaned into me and was really interested in what I was talking about, "Exactly. It doesn't
make you any less of a person" she assured, "I personally do come from a wealthy family, but when
I bought my first car I asked if I could pay for half of it. I wanted to say 'Yeah' I earned this."
"I admire you. There's so much more depth to your personality than just the life you live."
"Wow, thank you," she smiled appreciatively. "I have to ask; what made you decide to want to
hang out with me? Like what characteristics do you look for in a girl in order to be attracted to her."
That was a huge indicator of interest. She wanted to know what I was attracted to so that she
could possibly emmulate it. I was noticing the signs I looked for while interacting with a woman,
but I hadn't followed any of what I knew.
"Words I used to go by were: attraction is not a choice," I explained, "no one can truly control
who they're attracted to. I have found certain traits that I do appreciate and enjoy more than others.
For example, I've find myself more physically attracted to women with brown hair and hazel eyes.
Personality wise, I enjoy an intelligent woman's company, someone that can hold a deep and
intellectual conversation. I admire women who have a genuine kindness toward others and a sense
of respect for herself."
"What do you mean by sense of respect?" She asked.
"I've met a lot of girls in clubs. Some have asked me to take them home or have asked me to

come their place after just meeting me. Most guys go for that, I don't. Those are the type of girls
who are looking for cheap thrills and one night stands. I'm more than that. I look for women of
value. I'm looking for meaningful pursuits and not disposable pleasures."
"You're amazing!" she exclaimed, "I can see why my sister said you were a great catch. Any girl
would be lucky to know you."
"What is one thing about yourself that you would like me to know?" I asked Jill, adding more
fuel to the conversation.
"There's more to me than what meets the eye," she said honestly, "often, people look at me and
assume I'm another stuck up girl because of the clothes I wear or the stuff I have. There's so much
more to me than that."
"You're more than the lifestyle you live," I smiled as I quoted what I had said about her before.
"Yeah. Judgement is something that I cannot stand. I understand that judgement is something that
people are prone to doing but I hate the way people look at me and just assume that I'm this person
that I'm not," she expressed sadly.
"I understand exactly what you're talking about. People are shallow and naturally inclined to
make judgement at first glance. What's your social life like?"
"Before I tell you, what do you imagine it being like for me?"
"Based on your stereotype, I would imagine you being popular. You would have an abundance of
friends, and would usually find yourself the center of attention. But you being the person you are;
even though you could have all that, you have trouble socializing. You have trouble socializing
because people make expectations of you and expect you to be this person you're not. You still
maintain that popular persona so I can imagine you have a few really good friends that you trust.
However, when it comes to people in general, you have difficulties, lots of people want to be your
friend but they still expect you to be things you're not, and that distances you from them. Is that
accurate?"
"You're amazing, wow." Her eyes widened and she had a look of surprise on her face. "When I
go to school everyone knows who I am. I was the popular girl and to this day everyone wants to be
my friend. But I'm not the girl I used to be. I'm not that party girl anymore. I've matured and I've
built my life around bigger things than just drinking and sleeping around. I do have a few good
friends that were left after I lost most of them. No one understands why I don't take advantage of
what I could have, but I choose to be the girl who would rather sit alone in the library at lunch then
sit at a table with a bunch of gossiping girls."
"And despite your choices, do people still view you as the popular girl?" I asked.
"A bit, yeah."
"What are you doing tomorrow; can I take you out?" I asked confidently. I created a personal and
perhaps an emotional connection with her; I couldn't see her saying 'No.'"
"Yeah, sure. I'm not busy tomorrow. "
We finally arrived at an opening in the trees, there was a beautiful view on the hidden landscape
that no one else knew about. "I come here every day and just appreciate the view and soak in the
peace, she told me.

Jill and I stayed at the look out for a while. It felt heart warming that she was willing to share this
with me because it was in fact special. Jill stood there looking into sky enjoying every bit of
tranquil. I stood by her and put my arm around her. She looked at me but didn't seem to react in
anyway. I leaned in to kiss her but she pulled away and threw up her defences instantaneously.
"Sorry, I'm not ready for that. We should head back," she said uncomfortably. "For that I'm going
to make you find your own way back."
"Fine, but If I find our way back without getting lost once, you have to kiss me."
Jill thought about it for a moment agreed that it was an acceptable arrangement.
My sense of direction had always been very good but their were a few moments where I was
confused when we arrived at a fork in the road. Each icy pathway had looked the same.
As I chose one of the trails, I asked Jill if I made the correct decision but she remained quiet with
a satisfying smile on her face.
As we reached the end of the pathway, we converged back into the paved order of the city. I
walked Jill to her doorstep. Jill grabbed me and planted a nice wet kiss on my cheek. "You didn't
say where I had to kiss you," she said proudly feeling like she had outsmarted me before going
inside.
***
In the morning I had awoken to a text message from Jill.
I woke up this morning with the thought of you on my mind. I am so grateful that someone like
you took the time to get to know me. I hope you still intend on taking me out today because I look
forward to seeing you again. XO Jill.
I was taking Jill on an official date out in the city. I drove out to her house and texted her letting
her know that I had arrived. She came out in a red button up jacket with jeans and a pair of sun
glasses sitting on her face.
"Hey," she happily greeted me as she got into my car.
"Hey, how's you're morning been?" I asked.
"Really good, I had coffee with a friend. I told her about you."
"Say anything interesting about me?"
"Well I sat down and I think she noticed how happy I was. Five minutes into conversation she
just asked 'Who is he?' So I told her I met this guy and he's different from all the other guys."
"I'm glad you think of me that way," I smiled gratefully, "I feel the same way about you so far.
You and I, we have chemistry. I feel like we understand each other pretty well. It's hard to find likeminded people."
"I know what you mean," she replied with an agreeing smile.
I put the car into drive and drove out into the city. I asked her what her idea of an ideal date was.
I wanted to get an idea of where I should take her.

"Not a fan of movie dates," she explained, "you never get to talk to the other person. Probably
dinner and a walk on beach. Something simple."
That didn't help much, it was too early for dinner and the Edmonton area was void of beaches.
"I agree, a movie doesn't give you the chance to really interact with someone. I enjoy getting to
know the person I'm with, that is the point of a date after all, not to sit for a long period of time and
not know anything about the other person," I told her.
"What's the worst date you've ever been on?" she asked.
"Last year, I took this girl named Sydney to the amusement park. My car ended up getting stolen
and my date had something to do with it. We had a good time for a while, and when I returned to
the parking lot, my car was gone. It turned out she was trying to keep me busy during the date and
was texting her friends to let me know when I was away from my vehicle. She was there to tip them
off if I were heading back to the car."
"Oh my gosh! That's horrible!"
"Yeah," I laughed, "by far the worst date ever. She acted kind and flattering towards me until the
moment my car was gone. Her personality made a complete change after that moment and she acted
like she didn't want anything to do with me. So what about you, your worst date?"
"This was a few months ago," she started, "I met this guy at the gym. He approached me and we
got to talking. He asked for my number so I gave it to him. We ended up going to the gym together
for a few weeks and then he asked me on a date. I accepted and he picked me up and took me to
dinner. His card ended up getting declined so I paid for it because he didn't have enough cash on
him. Then he wanted to go for drinks, I wasn't too happy about it because I don't enjoy drinking and
I had to pay for them. He took me to a club when I wanted to go home. He kept pushing me to
drink, I didn't want to but drank it anyway, then he started to get really touchy. I got really
uncomfortable and I had to call a friend to take me home."
"How disrespectful," I said, "hopefully you two don't end up bumping into each other at the gym
again."
"Oh no, I changed gyms because of it."
I eventually found myself downtown, Jill and I decided to take a casual walk around some of
downtown's most popular areas. We ended up in the park where I went bridge jumping so many
summers ago with Lee and Nick.
"Have you ever gotten to experience what you believe love is?" She asked me furthering the
interaction.
"Regrettably, yes," I told her.
"Mind me asking why you say that?" she asked cautiously to avoid bringing up any possible
heartache.
I thought about it for a moment and said, "Because it was a past experience and isn't a current
one."
"How do you know it was love?" she pushed.
"Because I haven't been able to feel anything close to what I felt with that experience. I question
whether or not I will ever get the chance to experience it again. It was such a powerful feeling that it

caused me to become a writer and almost inspired me to the completion of my first book."
"You write? That's amazing. What's the book called?"
"Entropy."
"That's an interesting name. What does is mean?"
"It's a scientific term used to describe an imbalance of particles and it's the uncertainty of an
outcome. To me, it means chaos. I've lived one hell of life and its felt like chaos to me. That's what
'Entropy' is: my journey out of chaos."
"What inspires you to write?"
"You always ask the good questions," I smiled, "I've been through a lot of difficult experiences
and I've done some good things despite all that. I deserve some recognition, not to sound egotistical,
but I know I deserve it. Everything I've been through and all my experiences are going to make a
great story. I like to think that there is a reason I had go through everything I did. I don't want to
accept that it was all chance, that I'm just unlucky, and that it's the way life is. I'm trying to turn my
misfortune into something good."
"I'm certain your book is going to be everything you hope it will be. You seem very driven and
you seem like someone who has what it takes to succeed. Everyone has a purpose and that's
probably yours."
"Thank you," I smiled again, "my biggest fear is to not accomplish what I set out to do. I
honestly believe that not everyone has a purpose, as negative as that sounds, I know a lot of people
live useless lives. It's up to us to make something of ourselves.
"I agree completely, we have to find our purpose and work for it."
"We can't all depend on destiny and fate to take us where we want to go. In life people tend to
wait for good things to come to them and by waiting they miss out. Usually what you wish for
doesn't fall into your lap: it falls somewhere nearby and you have to recognize it, stand up, and put
in the time and work it takes to get there. This isn't because the universe is cruel, it's because the
universe is smart and knows we don't appreciate things that fall into our lap."
"I've never seen ambition like this before. I have every bit of faith in the world that you will fulfil
that."
Jill remained sitting beside me silently for a few moments. She shyly looked at the ground and
back to me numerous times. "If I kissed you right now, would you kiss me back?" she asked softly.
"Yes, I would," I replied confidently.
She leaned in and I closed the remaining gap, our lips met with a light touch. I leaned away and
smiled at the tint of red beneath her cheeks. Her smile grew warm and inviting as I leaned back in to
kiss her a second time. Our lips twisted passionately into each others.
She pulled away this time and gazed into my eyes. "Do you like me?" she asked in a dazzled
state.
"I do," I smiled.
"Why?"
"I feel we're equally competent and share many of the same beliefs and values. You have already

made me feel things that are out of the ordinary for me and I enjoy talking to you. I enjoy your
company and I notice the way you talk to me, you like me too. I admire your morals and values and
to be quite honest, you're the girl I wish I met a long time ago. You're exactly the type of girl I find
to be my match. You have so many amazing things going for you. "
"You really are something," she smiled. "I've known you for not even two weeks and you know
who I am. You inspire me and I admire who you are. I don't think I've ever smiled so much in my
life then I have today. Thank you for this."
"I admire you for all the same reasons. We're so in tune with each other."
"I know what you mean, I would be lying if I tried to deny it. I've never experienced love in my
life. I don't think I've even truly liked a guy before. You're the first to make me feel like this," Jill
confessed expressively.
"I'm completely amazed by you. I've experienced this feeling before but not like this. Last night,
I couldn't stop thinking about you. I knew you would make an amazing friend, but I wondered if I
should take the risk to see if you felt the attraction too. I was worried that I might push you away."
"You haven't in the least bit, you've been doing nothing but drawing me in," she assured me.
"I hope you can understand what I'm about to tell you: the first 3 chapters of my book are about a
girl named Jordan Fordyce. I felt similar things when I first met her to what I feel with you right
now. Fordyce and I we were two peas in a pod. It ended on a bitter note, Jordan Fordyce was my
first experience with love. I completely forgot what it was to feel that and now these emotions and
feelings are being rekindled by you. I can say I've loved a lot, but real love, it's different. It's a long
shot if you really are that, but I hope you are."
"You amaze me, I have never met a guy that is able to express his feelings and thoughts the way
you have. You are the kind of guy I have been waiting to meet. We share similar interests but at the
same time you are in fact your own person. When I started getting more social, I expected nothing
more to meet new friends. I got some flattering compliments from people and guy's trying to buy
me, but nothing more. You were different, you talked to me about something interesting, an actual
topic. You intrigued me from the beginning."
"You have to be different to intrigue any girl. Most women get asked the same questions by men:
what's your name; what do you do for work; what kind of stuff do you like to do? Instead of boring
a woman with all the same questions she gets asked by every other man; why not ask her something
that requires her opinion?"
"How do you know so much about women, anyway?" she asked cynically.
"If only you knew the knowledge I have stored away in my mind," I admitted.
"If you met me outside of a club how would you approach me?" she asked curiously.
"Would you be with friends or alone?"
"Alone," she answered.
"Well that's no fun, where's the challenge?" I teased, some pride sifting into place.
"Oh, enjoy a challenge? With friends than, she countered.
I thought about it for a moment and invented the scenario in my head. Most men make the
mistake of waiting until the girl they want to approach leaves her group so that they can talk to her

without the influence of her friends.

"I'd wait until you left your group of friends, then I'd approach your friends, talk to them, gain
their interest. Maybe show off a magic trick or teach them something about themselves they didn't
know. And when you got back to the group, I would be introduced to you by your very own
friends," I said proudly like I had just outsmarted every man and women that have found themselves
in that scenario.
"That is the most cunning way to pick up a girl I have ever heard of, you are so intelligent."
"I have lots of great ways to start conversations and gain the interests of people. Some of the
things I've tried are pretty silly but I have a lot of fun with it. I collected some pocket lint once and
walked by a girl I wanted to talk to. I made it look like I grabbed something off her dress and asked
'How long has this been there?' while I handed her the lint," I laughed.
"Sneaky," she concluded.
"One time," I continued, "there was this drop dead gorgeous girl in a club. She looked really
stuck up, had an unhappy look on her face, and one of my friends tried to approached her. She
ended up telling him to fuck off. So my friends came together and bet me $50 that I couldn't get her
number..."
"Oh gosh, this should be good," Jill giggled.
"I accepted the bet, walked over to the woman and told her, 'Hey, all my friends over there just
bet me fifty dollars that I couldn't get your number. If you give me your number I'll come back over
here and split the fifty with you.' and sure enough."
"You impress me more with every moment," she said as she deeply stared into me, "I want to
know how you would pick me up if I was alone at a coffee shop."
"I'd walk by you, look over my shoulder and ask you for an opinion on something. I look over
my shoulder because then it doesn't look like I directly walked up to you. It just looks like I'm
simply walking by and I really do need an opinion on something. After you start talking to me; I'll
turn and face you or perhaps even sit down. I'll tell you that I can only stay for a moment because I
have to catch up with my friends or I need to get to an appointment. When a man enters a group and
starts talking; most women are worried about how long he's going to stay and how to get rid of him.
By saying I can only stay for a moment, I disarm that. The woman lets her guard down and I can
have a genuine conversation. After some casual conversation I have to show you that I'm more
interesting then the rest of the men around, so I'll show you a magic trick or teach you something
about yourself that you didn't know. Then..."
"You're amazing. You know so much about women it blows my mind," Jill interrupted. She
began playing with hair and twisting it around her index finger.
"If I want to kiss you," I continued, "I look for 3 signs: indicators of interest. If you ask for my
name in the middle of a conversation; that shows interest, if you physically touch me during
conversation; that shows interest, and if you play with your hair while talking to me; that especially
shows interest."
Jill froze and lowered her hand from her hair. She laughed nervously and asked, "What do you
do if a girl rejects you?"
I couldn't believe I found myself telling Jill every trick and technique of my art. Revealing my

hidden trade to her could destroy every chance I had with her. If she learned the deceptive tactics to
arouse interest in a women, it could cause her to question everything about me; is what I'm doing
now a trick, a deception, or a ploy to win her over, or am I actually being genuine and honest to her.
Jill proved herself to be different from individuals, she was open and honest to me about
everything I had asked and wondered. I had no reason to doubt her. I kept opening up and letting
her in. My only worry was; what if she lost interest, I would no longer have any pick up material to
work with that she didn't already know about.
It was about time I reacquainted myself with risk and blind faith, so I gave her exactly that.
"If a girl rejects me," I told her, "I talk to her friends instead and use the same techniques. I draw
her friends in, earn their trust, show them higher value. Once the girl that rejected me takes any
action in the group, I'll hand her a playful backhanded insult; nothing to offended her but something
that will result in laughter. If she opens her mouth to speak; I will offer a piece of gum, if she plays
with her hair; I will ask if it's a wig and tell her it doesn't look real, or I can just do something as
simple as asking her friends how they can roll with her.
Jill burst out in laughter and looked at me for a while waiting for me to tell her more.
"And I never, ever, under any circumstances offer to buy a girl a drink," I finalized.
"What? How come?" she asked in bewilderment.
"It lowers your value. A girl's mentality when a man offers to give or buy her things is: 'Oh, he's
trying to give or buy me these things because he doesn't think I will like him without it. He doesn't
think I will like him for himself.' which she is generally right. Any confident, self respecting man
doesn't need to buy or give a girl anything to get her to like him."
"You know, you could be the next Dr. Drew. Why didn't you use any of this stuff on me? What
makes me different?"
"I pretty much ignored everything I knew I was suppose to do when it came to you. I'm a really
good judge of character and I knew there was much more to you that what appeared on the surface.
Then the way these feelings for you began developing they were the exact same I experienced
with my first love. I wasn't going to treat you like any other girl because you're not every other girl.
I felt something unique and genuine with you so I wanted a unique and genuine interaction."
"I'm really glad you feel this way. I'm happy you have taken the time to get to know me. I'm a
girl who had walls up because I'm afraid of making a mistake and getting hurt. For some reason
when I talk to you, I feel a sense of security. When I talk to you my walls arent up. I don't feel the
need to be careful with you."
After dropping Jill off at home, I was overwhelmed with joy. I had so many good feelings toward
her and they were shared. I had hope that I could truly fall in love again.

Jill Larsen with her new blonde hair.

Chapter 13
Solace

Jordan Fordyce revealed herself to me. There was connection and there was brilliancy between
us, more so then the first time we met. She showed me her inviting smile and looked at me with her
luring, bright, hazel eyes. Then fear overtook her face.
Jordan, we have to get out of here! Fordyce said, panicked as she grabbed my hand and led me
out of the Shaw Conference Center. She ran into a parking lot with me.
Whats going on? I asked Fordyce in a demanding voice.
Theyre going to kill you!
Who?
A thundering sound echoed through the air and the window of a car shattered beside us. Fordyce
and I took flight towards the end of the parking lot. More echoing thunders ignited through the air
as glass, sparks, and bullets whizzed by us as we evaded imminent danger and ducked behind a car.
I awoke from my dream and it was the weirdest thing to have one about Fordyce. I hadn't so
much as had a thought about her in nearly a year. I thought I had forgotten about her but obviously
my sub-conscience had not.

***
Jill called and asked me to come over; her parents were gone for a couple hours. When I knocked
on her door, she answered in a hot cocktail dress and moderate make-up. It was clear she looked as
good as she did for me.
"You look really nice," I complimented.
"Thank you," she smiled widely, "we have a couple hours. My parents just left to go grocery
shopping and they'll freak if I had a boy over."
"You're such a rebel," I teased.
Jill led me upstairs into the main living room, her house had more than one. When I sat down, I
sank into what felt like the most comfortable sofa I had ever laid in. The room had an 80 inch
television mounted on the wall and was lined with shelves containing the largest movie collection I
had ever seen.
I was on one end of the couch and Jill was sitting at the opposite end leaving a significant gap of
space between us. We had a really engaging conversation about what we loved to do and what we

were passionate about. After a while, the topic had run it's course and I recognized that we were
merely engaging in small talk.
Her eyes were locked on me, she shared an inviting smile and I knew she was waiting to be
kissed. And I would have if it didn't feel so damn awkward trying to slide across the couch closer to
her. What if I was wrong, what if she wasn't inviting a kiss and I looked like the biggest weirdo
slowly sliding toward her. There was just no way to be subtle about it.
The dog saved me; her new puppy trotted into the room and jumped on the couch between us.
Using the dog to close the gap, I picked him up and placed him on my lap while sitting beside Jill.
Jill leaned her head back against the couch looking directly up into my eyes. Now I knew she
definitely wanted to be kissed. I leaned in and engaged my mouth with hers. She threw her hands
around my neck. I pushed the dog off my lap and placed my hand on the side of her face.
She pushed me back and climbed above me. She slipped one of her hands under my shirt and ran
it up my chest. "Should we be going to your bedroom?" I joked.
She took it seriously and grabbed me by the hand as she led me into her room. I sat down on her
bed and she aggressively tackled me. I never had an experience like this, my heart was pumping, I
was excited, I was hard. She pulled her dress off before reaching back to undo her bra. I started to
undress. I pulled my shirt off and Jill undid my jeans before pulling them off onto the floor.
This is it. I'm going to fuck the girl of my dreams.
Then the moment crashed down into pure chaos. A strange humming noise was coming from
beneath the house that was the garage door opening.
"Oh my god," Jill stammered as she jolted up, "they're never back this earlier." She snatched her
shirt, threw it on extremely quick and ran out of the room for a split second before running back in
pulling her hair. "You have to get out of here!"
We heard the front door open and I knew Jill's parents were inside. "What do I do? Hide in the
closet? Under the bed? Help me out here!"
Jill's parents called for her.
"Um, Here!" Jill said as she threw me my jeans and shirt, "Window. Now!"
I turned around and looked at the window behind me, "You've got to be kidding me...
Jill opened her window and rushed me out. My bare feet sank into three nights worth of snowfall
as I climbed out onto Jill's roof. My feet became cold and numb as I hopped around looking for a
way off the roof. I considered running back and knocking on Jill's window if she didn't already lock
me out. I looked toward the side of the house and saw a large snow pile beside the garage port
where they pushed all the shoveled snow from the driveway.
"Oh god," I thought to myself, "here goes." as I jumped ass first into the snow pile. It was pretty
frozen and my buttocks smacked against the hard surface. I let out a loud groan of pain as I walked
out by the driveway where Jill's dad was getting the last couple bags of groceries from the SUV.
All I could blurt out was Hi, as my cheeks turned red with embarrassment.
He gave me the strangest look I had ever seen as I walked down the sidewalk in my boxers
carrying my clothes.

I texted Jill as I got into the warmth of my own home, "I'm sorry, your dad caught me leaving.
Did you get into trouble?"
"No, my dad said he saw someone in their underwear leaving and asked me about it. I said you
came to the door as some initiation prank but got the wrong house. He believed me."
I was immensely humoured by the set of events that had just took place. It felt like something
right out of a comedy film.
***
After hours of deep thought, my phone ignited a glow through the darkness of the evening
following that familiar resonating vibrate. I picked up the phone wondering who could possible be
calling me.
Hello, Jordan? a soft voice flowed into my ear.
It was a voice I never imagined hearing again. I knew who it was and responded in
bewilderment.
Fordyce?
Hows it going? Long time no talk.
Very. What brings this unexpected phone call?
I'm in the city right now and was hoping for a friend. I'm kind of in a bind. Can you meet me?
Where are you?
Im actually pretty close to where, you know, we first met.
That sounds good. You can meet me at the Shaw Conference Centre. I can be there within the
hour.
That would be perfect! Okay bye!
Bye.
Oh, and Jordan! I appreciate this. Thank you.
I pressed end on the phone, threw on my coat, and walked out the door.
Driving down the cities freeways, I was submersed in frantic thought. The dream I had this
morning and the random phone call from Fordyce, it was too strange.
I pulled into the parking lot of the convention center and spotted her standing outside the glass
doors where I had seen her leave me for the first time. She was curiously looking around, wearing a
light blue scarf and black winter coat awaiting my arrival. I stepped out of the vehicle and a smile
erupted on her face as I approached, giving her my embrace.
Its so nice to see you again, she exasperated.
It's great to see you too, I smiled.
God, you look different.

Good or bad?
Definitely good.
She pointed at herself cutely and raised an eyebrow.
You look the same, which is good. Your beauty hasn't lost it's touch. I said, beckoning her
inside the conference centre. I thought we'd take a tour of this place. A lot of touching memories
here.
Fordyce and I entered the building. It hadn't changed one bit. I was enjoying the flashback feel I
was getting.
I never expected to see you again after the last time we talked, I said to Fordyce.
Why would you think that?
Well if I recall, you basically called me a disposable friend and an insult to your relationship.
You called me a sheep and told my boyfriend that I became more of a liability then a friend.
Fordyce countered.
I stand by those, I coldly remarked.
Is that how you think of me! she exclaimed, raising her voice, You dont understand! You
dont understand any of it!
Then explain it, because it seems pretty clear to me.
You have no idea how much that hurt me. You didn't even have any idea what I was going
through. Especially after you changed so much, but I suppose that's not your interest, you want the
bottom line. I really don't like what you said about me, especially since I'm not like that at all. I had
so many more problems to deal with because of you and I stuck up for you basically. It's great to
know that it was worthwhile, she ended with a hurt look on her face. It still didnt excuse her for
what she did to me.
You shut me out of your life for something that happened so long ago and that was so
insignificant. Could you please explain what you had to deal with because of me? Because Im
having trouble seeing it from your point of view. I will take the time to try understanding if you
don't think Im seeing it right, I offered.
I really didnt mind taking the time to let her explain her side of things. Even though I chose to
hold my ground and stand by my decisions, it felt warming to have her back in my life. Everything I
felt that was missing in my life seemed to dwindle away at her presence. I was content with her by
my side.
It seemed insignificant to you, but with my 'stupidity' as you called it of going back to my
boyfriend caused an awful lot of bumps for it. I was constantly getting into fights over you, when I
didn't see the point in it. To us and our relationship, it was significant because it made everything
harder on our relationship. After he proved himself to me, I questioned the whole thing, so I shut
you out for him. This probably makes you mad but after what you said about me and to my
boyfriend; that erased all the hard feelings I had for doing that to you. So call me pathetic and a
stuck up bitch if you want but I was only trying to make things work.
Im sorry I put such hardship on your relationship. I guess I can understand that. I know how
your boyfriend probably sees it because I've been in his situation before and I don't blame him.

Circumstances are very different for me now and my past has no relation to my present. That being
said, I wont hold any of it against you as long as you can do the same.
Id like that, and hes not my boyfriend anymore. I caught him at a resturuant with another girl,
so I guess you were right from the start.
We came to the entrance of the main auditorium. The doors were wide open and it was filled
with people. There was a women on stage talking about donations. It appeared to be a charity event.
We stopped in the middle of the vigorous room and pointed things out.
This is where I first saw you perform, Fordyce stated, and thought you were the most
interesting and talented boy on the runway. Its too bad neither of us got anywhere here, envying
over her dreams as she reminisced.
Not many people did get anywhere. The organizers of the event did an outstanding job at
making all this seem legitimate, however, it was nothing less of a scam, I said, informing her of
my last encounter with Randy Chartrand.
Such a waste of talent! Fordyce looked to the ground feeling fooled.
It wasnt a waste for me, I grew so much here and its how I met you. Its what gave me
confidence in my ability when I felt I had nothing to offer. It changed my life and became one of the
most pivotal points in my history.
Im glad it became something to you. You definitely earned your recognition upon this place.
Well, what do you know, this is where we first kissed, I reminisced as we walked back out into
the lobby. The same black, leather chairs were still there.
Fordyces phone began ringing until she pulled it out of her coat and sent the call straight to end.
Nothing could have covered up the hurt look in her eyes as she put the phone back into her pocket.
Whats wrong? I asked in concern.
Nothing, she replied with a smile in hope of hiding any emotion she may have revealed.
Theres more to this surprise then youre letting on, I interrogated.
She sighed in surrender. When I caught Dom cheating on me, I didnt know who the girl was
but they seemed very into each other and there was undeniably something intimate there. He's been
calling me none-stop and keeps showing up at my house. He's been talking about doing some crazy
things, violent things. I don't want to get the cops involved because I know he's just really hurt from
losing me, but I didn't feel safe and just had to get out of there. I had to get out of that whole town
and Edmonton was the best place for me to go. Youre the only one who ever really tried to be there
for me in the past. You were the only person I really had to call, she said, silently asking for my
help.
Im disappointed that it takes a last resort to have you speaking to me, but Im willing to help
you. I can offer you a place to stay. You may stay as long as you need until you get things sorted
out.
Thank you, Fordyce spoke almost in a whisper.
Fordyces phone began ringing again and the hurt look on her face returned like every other time
she had to look at her caller ID.

Allow me, I said, holding my hand out and looking into her eyes with sincerity.
She handed me the phone and I answered the call with valance.
You must be Dom.
Who is this? Dom replied in his deep voice demanding an answer.
I'm Jordan, it may sound familiar to you. I was the one who originally pointed out youre
disloyal habits to miss Fordyce. The guy you used to argue about night upon night for quite some
time. How does it feel to know that the one you claim to love has come to me for help in regard to
running away from you? I said into the phone, emphasizing great cynicism.
You have no idea who I am, and you have no idea what you're fucking with. You're putting
yourself in a dangerous place. I dont know who you are exactly but Ive heard about you. Youve
caused me a lot of trouble and its not going to end well for you. I will give you one chance to
convince my girlfriend that it's in her best interest to come home now! Dom demanded, raising his
voice.
Well as much as I appreciate the threat you feel I oppose to you, I refuse to steer such a girl in
the wrong direction. If you want her, youre going to have to come and get her and then I guarantee
you this: I will be standing in your way, I finalized as I hung up the phone without giving the man
on the other end a chance to reply.
You might've just egged him on enough to come down here and find you, Fordyce said in a
worrisome tone.
Do I look worried? I asked, sort of laughing.
No, but I dont think you realize how serious he is.
I have resources here, I winked.
Resources? Oh, I know what you mean.
We should head out, I told Fordyce, Ill show you my place.
Alright, Fordyce nodded in agreement.
Fordyce and I left the Conference Centre and I motioned her to enter my car.
So how did you afford a sports car? Fordyce asked admiringly.
It was actually pretty cheap, but it's a collectors car, I remarked.
I roared the Fiero's engine and floored the gas pedal at the intersections to impress Jordan. She
seemed to have been enjoying herself in the passenger seat.
After several intersections, I looked at her, assessing her silent thoughts.
Do you ever wish you could go back? she asked, ambivalently.
What do you mean? I asked curiously.
Go back ten or so years and take everything you know with you.
All the time, but that won't really change your circumstances. You can make different choices
for the past and they'll take you somewhere new, but you can also do that right now and not know
where you'll end up either.

I cant really explain it, I have so much regret. You have similar feelings dont you? she asked
assumingly.
Not exactly.
Explain?
I dont have regret, not for myself at least. Everything I ever did was to the best of my ability. I
make a lot of mistakes because I tend to follow my emotion even when my instinct is screaming at
me not to. The thing about that is, even if your choices blow up in your face, at least you did what
was right for you in the moment. That's how I justify it at least I explained to her.
It felt that even though I was talking to Fordyce, the words I spoke were not for her but for
myself, I was assuring myself that I couldnt have controlled the past.

Chapter 14
When The Past Meets The Present

I had nearly forgotten about Fordyce and what happened the previous night. When I got out of
bed, I was surprised to find Fordyce sleeping on my couch, she looked so sweet and peaceful.
I wasn't sure how to treat the situation from there out. I wondered what Jill would think, I
wondered what I would think. The past couple days with Jill had been nothing but amazing, but
seeing Fordyce unburied so many feelings. I wanted to keep my conflicted feelings from Fordyce. If
she knew I had them and she felt something too, I didn't know if I would be able to make the
decision to not be with her. I was unsure of her and positive about Jill.
I left Fordyce a note on the coffee table saying that I had gone out for a bit and to make herself at
home. I went for a walk to process my thoughts, I ended up outside the mini-mansion. I knocked on
the door and Paige answered. Jill wasn't home, but Paige had invited me inside. I opened up to
Paige about Fordyce, told her that I saw her last night, explained that she was staying with me, and
told her that I wasn't sure what to do about it.
Paige knew all about Jordan Fordyce from reading early drafts of my book, she was aware of the
history.
I hear that you and my sister are starting to hit it off, Paige said, raising an eyebrow.
Yeah, I'm sorry I never talked to you about that. We've been hanging out a lot and I'm starting to
really like her.
Is she a Jordan Fordyce? Because if she's not, I'm not sure I'm going to let you date her. She
really likes you and deserves better if you're still looking for a girl who can be that to you.
I went silent. I actually had to think about it for a second. Fuck Fordyce, I said aloud. I paused
thinking about what I had just said,Yeah, fuck Fordyce. I gave her everything I had to give. I made
every sacrifice I could possibly make for her and it still wasn't good enough. I can't believe it's
taken me this long to realize it but she's pathetic. I begged for her, but the truth is she should've
begged for me and she didn't. I don't need Fordyce, I need a girl who is more than Fordyce ever
was, and Jill may be that. Trust me, I won't break her heart.
Paige nodded approvingly. You finally get it, she smiled, you better not choose Fordyce or Jill
and I are going to murder you in your sleep. I'm not kidding, treat her right, she deserves the best.
The truth was, I knew what I said, but my mind had not made that decision. I was still deeply
conflicted.
On another note, Paige said, I'm having another big party tonight. Are you coming? You can
bring Jordan. In fact, bring as many people as you can, it's going to be good.
I thought it was a great idea. It would help Fordyce get a little more accommodated in
Edmonton.
I decided to head back to my house to see if Fordyce was awake, she was. Fordyce and I spent
most the day learning about what each other had been up to for the past year. I showed her pictures

from my Mexico trip and showed her things around my house that had stories attached them. I
pulled out a shoe box filled with keep sakes and dug up my old CSMT number that had Fordyce's
email and phone number that she had written on the back of it.
You still have that? she gasped.
I had also found a picture of her and I together that I forgot I had. She looked from it to me, her
face so close to mine. Not even a second later we were kissing; a huge rush of butterflies hit me and
I felt so overwhelmed. I couldn't stop, everything I ever felt for her had come rushing back to the
surface. Than the image of Jill flickered through my mind and I pulled away.
What am I doing? I whispered to myself. Don't do that again, I said to Jordan and left the
room. She followed me out.
What's wrong? she asked, I know you're kind of bitter about what happened between us in the
past but tell me how you feel.
I have a girlfriend.
Oh, Fordyce said in disappointment, staring at the floor, that makes sense.
She's good for me.
I'm sorry, I didn't know. I'm just going to go. Fordyce grabbed her coat and headed for the
door.
Don't go. I'm glad you're here. I'm just confused. You feel so right but I can't do that to Jill. I
care about her and things are going so well.
I should definitely go, Fordyce finalized, her voice strained. She opened the door.
Stop! I shouted. She ignored the demand and left.
I felt like complete shit. I went to my room, put on some depressing music and laid in my bed for
over an hour.
I finally motivated myself to get up and sent out invites for Paige's party that night. My pub
crawl friends were coming and that right there was enough for a wild party.
I was hoping Fordyce would come back at some point but she didn't. I figured she ran back to
Grimshaw.
I drove out to the liquor store and bought tequila, vodka, and blue curaco before leaving to the
party a little bit early.
I pulled onto the mansion driveway. I placed all the liquor I bought perfectly in my arms like I
was a human gift basket. I walked up to the doorstep and when Paige answered she gracefully
welcomed me in with all the gifts I brought.
I dropped the booze on the kitchen counter. A group of girls ran into the kitchen asked Paige if
they could jump in the hot tub. Paige nodded approvingly. Paige asked to speak with me alone and
led me up to her room.
You told me you wouldn't go for Fordyce!
What makes you think I did?
You kissed her, she replied while crossing her arms.

How the hell do you know that? I stammered.

You get one more chance. Don't fuck it up!
She left the room a little bit tempered and left me in shock and awe.
When I got back downstairs, the mansion filled up moderately. Most of the mass headed out into
the backyard. Many attractive and superficial girls were dancing around, getting drunk, and slipping
into the hot tub.
I spotted Jill talking to some of her friends and approached. Her group of friends saw me coming
and dispersed from Jill like they knew about me and the dilemma between Fordyce. Even though I
never told Jill about Fordyce, I had a feeling she knew about her and what she represented.
That was weird, do your friends not like me?
I'm sure they'd like you but they don't want to get caught in the drama.
I knew there was going to be something when I walked up to you.
Jill urged me to follow her, we went outside the gate of her back yard and she took me to the
lookout where we had shared our first date together.
The view is much different at night, it has a different kind of beauty that you can't see in the day
time, I said, engaging in small talk to hide from the inevitable drama that about to ensue.
Jill bit her lip and turned her back to me, then turned back around and slapped me across the
face. Her lip quivered and tears began running down her face.
I turned my head away to hide the tears that started falling from my own face. I knew how badly
I hurt her after seeing her emotion discharged.
You should've told me there was someone else! Jill shouted, as she regained some of her
composure.
There wasn't. She was appeared back into my life just yesterday. I didn't know this would
happen.
What did you think would happen? You invited her to stay at your place, and with your history
with her, did you really think nothing would happen?
I guess Paige told you everything, I asked weakly.
Yes, she did. I wish you would've told me about Jordan Fordyce, especially since she's in town
and coming to the party tonight.
Wait, what? How on earth would she be coming to the party tonight?
Paige is smarter than you think. She looked her up on Facebook and made her an offer she
couldn't refuse. She'll be here.
Whoa, I'm not falling for that, nice try. You and Paige are obviously trying to put me through
some kind of test.
You bet we're testing you. The ultimate test is to see if you walk away with Jordan Fordyce
tonight or if you stay here with me.
I couldn't believe it. There was no way Fordyce was actually coming tonight. If she did, I admit
that it would still be hard to turn her down but I would, I knew I would.

You should go back now, Jill told me, do me a favor and don't talk to me until you make up
your mind. I'd rather have the bandage be ripped off quickly.
Jill stared into me with jealousy but most of all disappointment. She was right, I was deeply
conflicted. There was a good chance I'd walk away with Fordyce if the right moment presented
itself.
I started walking but noticed Jill stood inert at the lookout. Are you coming? I asked
concerned.
Go, she demanded,I need some time to myself.
For the first time in a long time, I was scared. All the choices and options were in my hands, I
held the final decision but I was afraid of the vast amount of uncertainty that would present itself in
the coming hours. I didn't want to lose Jill, and I didn't want to alienate Fordyce, but one or the
other had to happen.
When I arrived back at the mini-mansion, I started pouring back shots of vodka. I was under a lot
pressure and thought little of the influence that drinking would have on such an immense decision.
Paige walked out of the house and Fordyce followed behind her. I felt uneasy seeing her because
I knew that everything I did tonight from that moment on would change everything. It would
change the disposition of some of my friends, and it would alter my long term happiness if I made
the wrong decision between the two women. The decisions I made tonight would impact me for
countless times to come.
Jordan Fordyce looked around and saw me. She gracefully walked over to me and said, I love
your friends. They're so friendly and welcoming.
I'm glad my friends are making you feel so welcomed, I replied, finding it a little hard to fake a
smile.
About the kiss earlier, I'm sorry for that but it wasn't really my fault. You never told me you had
a girlfriend and you kissed me back...hardcore! she pouted cutely.
I couldn't help but laugh at her look. Yeah, I definitely should've told you, I replied with
honesty.
So, you have to choose between us?
I nodded.
You''ve done pretty good for yourself but I don't think I should be in the equation. It seems like
you have a good life and you're happy. I'm just complicating things for you.
Don't sell yourself short, you're an amazing person with so much to offer. I could do so much
good with someone like you in my life.
See, thats what I love about you; when life throws you a curve ball, you get even more into the
game. You've got this aura that shows off how strong you are. But you're respectable too, not just an
airhead. With you, when something happens, you overcome it. You can do anything, Jordan
Gardiner."
"Wow, I said, stunned, you see that in me? That is exactly the person I have been willing
myself to be. The fact that you actually see me as that is flattering. I have this drive in me to be far
more than anyone else. I want to earn a significant place in this world. It actually depresses me quite

often. I feel like all the work I've been doing for the past couple years had led to nearly nothing. I
still don't even have a foothold in where I want to be.
Jordan, what you don't realize about yourself is that you are already going much further than a
lot of people. You are strong and driven. You have a lot of talent and you use your talent in the right
ways, further pursuing your dreams and goals and not using it simply for attention. You are true to
yourself and even more-so true to the people around you, that is so golden, you don't even know. It
might seem like you've gotten nowhere but everything you've done has only added to your character
and life experience. Don't ever feel like you haven't done anything when your journey is only just
beginning. You are going to make a mark on this world, I just know it.
I was so touched. She was the only one that had ever acknowledged me for the things she
described.
I can't tell you how great of a person you are really are. You can see and recognize things
underneath everything else. I know you're intelligent and driven too. You're going to be on top of
the world some day.
I pay attention to personality. When people are different, I am intrigued. The very first time we
met, you were completely original, and you had this artistic view of the world. We pay attention to
the display of raw emotion in different art forms, not like a robot; fake, plastic, like everyone else.
You are true to yourself, you have substance to the way you live your life. I always held great
respect for you because of that.
Do you ever wonder if there's something wrong with us? I asked. The kind of people we are,
so emotionally dependant, it's not an advantage.
It can be, she replied, sure, theres a lot more around to get us down and it effects us a lot
more than others, but when we got our shit together and things are going right, nothing can bring us
down. We have a much higher drive to get what we want compared to most people. Our chances of
succeeding are higher than most others.
I saw Jill, she arrived through the back gate and was looking across the yard toward Fordyce and
I. We made eye contact and a saddened expression overtook her face. As Fordyce and I continued
talking, I assumed she had been observing us for some time and realized the connection I had with
Jordan.
Do you want to go for a walk? I suggested to Fordyce.
We walked down the street away from the mini-mansion, we were silent for several minutes
merely reading each other's body language and facial expressions. I kept running the two choices
through my head, playing them out and all the scenarios that would ensue. I wanted to choose
Fordyce so badly, but she didn't feel like the morally correct decision.
I always thought about you, Fordyce told me, looking into my eyes with sincerity. A sparkling
glimmer reflected off her eyes from the street light above. The captivity of her eyes were luring and
delicate. I wanted to do the only thing that could feel right in a moment such as that; to kiss her.
Her face was close to mine again. I'm trying so hard not kiss you, I whispered. So many
thoughts were rushing through my head. I didnt know how to react and what the right decision
was. My instincts told me to protect myself and leave my guard up, but she was what I always
wanted. I fought so hard for her in the past and she ignored every effort I made. I didnt know if it
was a good idea that her and I should continue digging up these emotions back after I so deeply

buried them.
Fordyce, what I felt, what we both felt was so long ago. Weve both changed so much and Im
without question an entirely different person. There is nothing of my past left in me. The feelings
you have right now are for that young boy that dreamed of being successful. If you really pursue
me, you may not like what you find. That young boy is lost and he wont be found.
I know you're not that young innocent boy anymore, Fordyce said as she put her hand up to the
side of my face, you used to look so sweet, cute, and positive, but now your face has this hardened
edge to it, your eyes are more serious, you've been through a lot since I last seen you. Youre still
the same person though, at your core.
Youre willing to throw it all on the table for me?
I am.
How could I turn my back on what I always wanted. How could I deny such a powerful
connection. I made my decision. I felt a urge that was brought on by the rekindled connection
between Fordyce and I. I wanted to get out of there with my prize. I wanted to take her home and
not look behind me because the longer I stayed around, the more I felt bad and guilty about Jill.
I walked toward my place with Fordyce. The further we got from the mansion the more I kept
looking back. Jill's face keep flickering through my mind. I knew I was making the wrong decision.
I had given Fordyce so many chances and she turned her back on all them, but there was Jill who
never turned down the only chance I ever presented.
I can't do this, I said, looking into Fordyce's eyes apologetically, I have always wanted you,
you will always have this special place in my heart. But you made your decision years ago and there
is one girl back at that party who believes in me and loves me. She never gave up her one and only
chance when you gave up every and years worth of chances with me. I'm sorry, but it took you to
want me to realize that this isn't right.
I ran down the sidewalk and back into the mansion. I looked throughout the house and yard, but
Jill was nowhere to be found. I scanned my eyes through the countless dozens of intoxicated partygoers and spotted Paige.
Do you know where Jill is? I need to talk to her right away.
I haven't seen her in a little while, did you check her room?
I went upstairs and tried her door.
She was sitting alone on her bed, poking a straw in and out of the ice in her empty glass. She
looked depressed like her world had just collapsed from beneath her feet.
I chose, I said plainly as I walked up to her. She looked up at me with an unsettling look on her
face. I knelt down in front of her so that our faces were at an equal level. I care about you
immensely. I'm unsure if being with Fordyce is truly the right thing but the thing I am sure about is
you.
She looked at me, a tear formed in her eye, rolled off her face, and landed on the carpet. I was
so sure you were going to pick her. She said as she got up and hugged me tightly. She rested her
head on my shoulder. I beckoned her to lift her head, when she did, I kissed her. It felt right, not
lustful and overzealous like the kiss with Fordyce. There was symmetry in the kiss with Jill.

I love you, she said, her voice shaky from the imminent loss she expected to feel.
I love you too, I said happily, what do you say we have some fun. This is your party after all.
I extended my hand out to her, she took it as I lead her back downstairs. Paige saw us and smiled at
me approvingly. I smiled back at her.
Jill and I jumped into the hot tub with drinks in hand. The silky blonde tips of her hair dipped
into the water. Her eyes were so full of passion and happiness.
Jill feeling that she nearly lost me awakened many new and stronger feelings in her. She felt a
huge pull away and those emotions arose a need to pull me back. Perhaps Fordyce needed to happen
so that we could both realize our true feelings for each other. I felt a new kind of connection with
her that I hadn't before; it felt like bliss.

V
Fate has a way of finding your vulnerabilities where you least expect them, illuminating them
so that you realize how glaringly obvious they are, and then mercilessly driving a spike straight into
their most delicate center.
Tommy Lee, The Dirt

Chapter 1
Reprisal

The drop of blood glimmered as it fell spashing onto the hardwood floor. I stared at it, feeling
that it was a metaphorical message for me. It left the body and now it was just puddled there,
separated from where it belonged. It was me. It was my blood.
She released her long, finger nails that penetrated my nape.
WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO STOP WORKING ON THAT FUCKING BOOK AND
REALIZE THAT I DONT LOVE YOU ANYMORE!
I jumped out of my seat. She lunged at me trying to inflict harm, but I grabbed her arms and held
them back against the wall until she stopped thrashing at me.
JILL! I shouted, You can say you don't love me but I know you do. I know it's tough. I know
I work too much but I swear we will function normally again," I began rationalizing as tears rapidly
secreted from my eyes. "I'm almost done the book, it can generate some income, I can pay more
attention to you." It pained me to see her act out like that, because I knew things would never be the
same.
I miss Audrey. I feel so empty without her, Jill croaked, bawling her eyes out and collapsing to
the floor. I can't tell you what this feels like, she choked between sobs. Jill had been vicillating
between periods of extreme anger and violence, and jags of fitful cathartic sobbing.
I miss her too. I think about her everyday. I wanted to be a father.
You would've been a terrible father, she replied, hatefully.
I guess we'll never know since you killed her behind my back, I replied, spitefully, and I'm the
bad parent?
We're really over this time! she replied as she left the room to pack her things.
"GO! YOU'RE DAMAGED BEYOND REPAIR! THERE IS NO HELPING YOU, THERE'S
NO RELATIONSHIP LEFT. THERE'S NOTHING!" I screamed at the top of my voice so she could
hear how permanent I made it from across the hall.
I could see the rebellious and careless traits of her sister surfacing during her reprisal.
For some reason, Jill partly blamed me for the abortion of our child. Jill was four months
pregnant with my daughter, Audrey Jessica Gardiner, when I came home from work one day to find
Jill's stomach abnormally smaller.
"She's gone," Jill told me, "I had to, we weren't ready."
I was devastated.

I told Jill that I forgave her to save the relationship; but they were words with empty meaning. I
wanted to forgive and let go more badly than anything. But I couldn't. I couldn't control my bitter
and cold disposition for what she had done. In turn, that bitterness brewed a rebellious demeanor
toward me as she went out and slept with another man.
I sensed her change in a way that I never had before. She appeared indifferent when she started
lying to me. In the three years of being together, I couldn't recall her ever lying to me, and then I
learned that she had cheated on me some time ago. She told me to spite me, called me clueless, and
had no regrets.
So out of anger and despair, I grabbed some hot little burnette, eighteen and in her graduation
year, and fucked her in our own house while Jill was alseep in the adjacent room.
It was when we could no longer offer eachother fidelity that I knew we were a lost cause. I still
loved her, but there was too much resent to ever go back to the way things once were.
Jill and I had two happy years together. The third and final year of our relationship was in
shambles.
I had given up my luxurious accommodations due to unfortunate circumstances and Jill moved
out of the mini-mansion to live in a four-bedroom townhouse with me.
Jill's parents had neglected her for making the decision to move in with me at such a young age
but she felt I was worth the sacrifice. We sacrificed much for each other, enduring full time jobs,
money problems, and two pregnancies. due to unforeseen circumstances, the first child wasn't
born either. Our lives became so overloaded with responsibilities and work that neither of us had
time to enjoy them anymore.
Through all that resentment, she somehow thought that I owed her the lifestyle she chose to
leave because in her mind, I took her away from it. I didn't know her parents were going to disown
her choices, I didn't know they were going to refuse her financial help. I didn't see that she was too
young, too inexperienced, too dependant to not crack under so much responsiblity.
As Jill was ransacking the closet in our bedroom, I opened the door beside my work desk and
grabbed the little black box inside. I opened it and looked at the diamond ring I had purchased to
propose to Jill with. I got up, walked across the hall and stood in the doorway before Jill.
"So much has happened. It's hard to figure out how we got here. Seeing us like this breaks my
heart and I'm trying my best to not feel like I'm screwing around trying to solve a problem that can't
be fixed. I have to believe that I can do something. You don't need to say anything, but I'm going to
give you this," I explained as I placed the box in her hand. "This is what you mean to me. Don't
undo everything we've accomplished. I meant my promise when I said I would never leave you, did
you mean yours?"
I left the room and gave her the much needed space.
I gave my final attempt to save our relationship, but I never realized that the innocent girl I fell in
love with was dead. And the hate that this changed Jill Larsen had for me was unrelenting.
Jill rebounded faster than I could imagine. She sold the ring at a pawn shop and was in another
relationship one week after leaving, making it no secret that she was already fucking the guy. I
begged her to stop, and made consistent efforts for reconcile.
Jill's father never thought much of me, and being a retired lawyer, he called in a favor to one of

his friends employed by the Royal Canadian Mountian Police.

***
The police showed up at my house. I knew it was because of Jill, so I stepped out to talk to the
two officers thinking that they would at least be fair; I couldn't have been more wrong. Jill used all
her powers to conjure up the greatest sob story the police had ever heard.
The officers slapped handcuffs around my wrists and transported me to the police station where I
was charged and forced to sign a promise to appear. They soon after released me on bail with
conditions.
When I got home, I sat in my car staring into space for a moment, then everything came boiling
to the surface. I screamed and screamed while mercilessly slamming my right fist into the dash of
my car more times than I could count. FUCK YOU, GOD! YOU'RE NOTHING! YOU'RE NOT
REAL! I ASKED YOU FOR HELP, I PRAYED TO YOU AND I BEGGED! WHERE ARE YOU?
WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU? I NEEDED YOU AND YOU ABANDONED ME, YOU LEFT
ME FOR DEAD!" I shouted at the top of my lungs but calmed down and spoke quietly, "but...but
that's only cause you're not real and I'm talking to myself." I looked at my fist that was cut, gashed,
and dripping in blood. I felt dizzy, opened my car door, and then discharged my stomach's content
onto the pavement.
I was falling into a suicidal rut. Jill was my love and I made her my life. It pained me to stand
aside and watch her new relationship progress through Facebook and word of mouth.
Now, I couldn't speak to her, have a friend pass on a message, couldn't go near her place of
residence, school, or employment: these were the conditions of my bail, along with having to
completely abstain from alcohol and any non-prescription drug.
The court dates and legal headache ensued. I would soon be drowning in lawyer fees.

***

My life was a freeflowing organism impossible to predict. It changed and adapted as it pleased,
leaving preconcieved expectations to fail everytime. I realized an inner plot being worked against
me after it was too late. I was compromised by the person I trusted most, the person I sacrificed
everything for. I was sent hurdling to the darkest recesses of my mind and once you let the darkness
in, it never comes out.
I self-medicated myself with a 1.14 litre bottle of vodka every night while listening to Jill's audio
statements against me to the police. Over the previous year, I was developing a problem with
alcohol, using it as a writing aid. Now, my alcoholism had become more severe than it had ever
been.
I was transported to the hospital by police on numerous occasions after I would call the suicide

crisis line and pour my drunken heart out.

Suicidal ideation is what they said I had.
I hired a therapist for a hundred-fifty dollars per session. She was attractive to look at, I could tell
her about my problems, and she used to work in a court house so she was able to give me free legal
advice. It was only in front of her that I felt I could act like I had some self-worth again. I
downplayed how miserable and pathetic I felt because I was attracted to her. She began to wonder
why I needed her sessions because I always came into her office feeling confident, acting like I had
my shit together. I wanted her to think I was different from all the nutcases she got in her office.
After I asked her out, and she turned me down, I didn't have it in me to face her again.
I became addicted to pain killers, the Tylenol 3's, by popping twelve a night and drinking
alcohol. I experienced the greatest rushes where I could think about Jill and feel nothing. But I
started overdosing, contemplating the need of medical attention. Instead, I would lay in bed
gambling on the chance of not waking up.
I started getting severe chest pains where my heart was. I'd been running my body down and was
deteriorating from the inside. I almost became hopeful that the pains were some kind of terminal
illness that would soon put me to rest.
I looked into the Restricted Possession and Acquisition License so I could legally purchase
firearms in Canada. What I intended to do with it, I was unsure. Eventually I acquired a handgun by
other means. I drank many nights, took the weapon out of its case, loaded it, and stared down the
barrel of the gun. I was contemplating my life.
I started doing research on the process of dieing. The research claimed that after death occurred
and your body could no longer sustain itself, their was a moment of limbo that was the process of
all your brain cells dieing rapidly. Apparently this was the reason for claims of memories flashing
before your eyes and out of body experiences.

***
There was a light tapping on the front door. When I answered, Paige was unexpectedly standing
in my doorway.
Jordan, she said in a concerning tone.
Do you know what your sister is doing to me? I stammered.
That's why I'm here. I know you didn't do half the stuff she's accusing you of. I know you didn't
hit her!
Is THAT what she's saying now?
Paige nodded grimly. I invited her inside and we sat down in the living room. I came to give
you these, she told me as she handed me a large orange envelope.
What is this?

Her emails to some of her friends.

I briefly looked over the documents and then looked up at Paige with thankful eyes. She had just
given me evidence that would vastly help my defence against the charges.
Why are you helping me? I asked, stunned.
Because I'm shocked that this is happening and I don't agree with my sister. I don't know why
she's taking it so far, this does not need to go to court. She was telling me that she wants to open a
lawsuit against you too for the rest of her belongings.
She never even asked or came back for them. Take them with you if you want.
I'm sorry she's being so unreasonable.
I don't know what I'm going to do, Paige.
I know you loved her.
What do you know about this new guy in her life?
Not much.
Do you know his name?
I'm not giving it to you.
Please tell me his name.
No, because I don't trust you to not go after him.
I decided not to push it. I couldn't believe that Paige was on my side. She was an asset.
I'm not myself. I don't feel right, Paige. The thoughts in my head, they'd scare the fuck out of
you; they scare the fuck out of me!
Paige moved closer and embraced me. I foolishly turned and kissed Paige. She kissed me back
for a brief moment and then pulled away, looking shocked. That shouldn't have happened, she
said, looking ambivalent.
I wish it could've worked between us. I wish Jill never had to become an option. But we weren't
meant to be, were we? She just looked at me, wondering how I got so broken. I'm sorry. I'm far
from a clear mind. I feel completely shattered.
I know. I can hardly recognize you right now. You look awful. I get that you're seeking comfort
wherever you can find it, if you need a girl, go and find one. It just can't be me and you know why.
I know. I would find some meaningless sex if I could, but I'm sure you can see that I'm in no
condition to make a girl attracted to me.
I wish I could stay and be here for you, but I can't. Maybe when this is all over, we can be
normal friends again. Good luck, Jordan.
Paige hugged me one final time and then left the house.
That night I took more pain killers than usual, and of course I downed them with whiskey like I
usually did. I started having a terrible reaction, worse than any before. My whole body got the
shakes, I couldn't stand up, and then my arms and legs started to go numb. My chest started getting
sharp pains that ran up through my arm. I thought this was it, I was really in trouble this time. I
debated calling poison control, but I didn't. I laid on my couch baring through the pain. Eventually

I started getting scared, wondering if I was really done living.

I reluctantly pulled the phone out of my pocket and was so out of it that I couldn't even decipher
which contact I pressed on my touchscreen.
Jordan? A familiar voice resonated into my ear.
Help, was the only word that made it out of my mouth before I lost consciousness.

Chapter 2
If There Was Ever A Perfect Girl

Jessica Shaw, nicknamed JJ; she was a fun loving, blue-eyed brunette with a personality that outshined that of any girl I'd met. She had a burning determination and ambition that carried her far.
She reminded me of Paige's charisma and Fordyce's ambition. Within ten minutes of meeting of this
girl, it was clear that she was going places in the world. She was starting make-up artistry courses in
a few weeks and designed tattoo concepts. Her most defining physical quality was an intricate tattoo
of wings that spread across her back.
Jessica had a big heart, she was always there for me when I needed to count on her. She showed
me more unconditional and genuine care than anybody I had ever known. Jessica Shaw was a
game-changer. She had a lot of life experience and she understood most of what her peers went
through. She was always ready to give good and uplifting advice. She pulled me out of depression
many times which was a task that most people couldn't achieve.
Jessica was infuriated.
If you ever fucking scare me like that again, I'm going to fucking kill you!
I'm so sorry. I'm barely holding onto my sanity.

Jessica and I hadn't talked since the ordeal with Jill. I hadn't really seen any of my friends since I
became an enigma. Jessica spent the entire day at my house letting me pour my feelings out,
supporting me, and making sure I wouldn't do anything to harm myself.
What a nightmare, this is fucking stupid! You and Jill were so great together. I thought if anyone
had it together, it was you two. And if you broke up, you'd both be mature about it. This is the worst
break-up I've seen ever! What concerns me the most is why you're getting your firearm permit?
I ignored her question and continued on the topic that mattered. I just can't believe she threw
everything we had away and is trying to destroy my life. She's not the same person, the Jill I knew
is dead. It's sickening because I still love and care about her.
Well, you weren't meant to be together. I don't think you should hold it against her if she doesn't
want to be with you. The way she went about it was totally wrong. I know you don't want to hear it,
but you need to put her behind you. I hate seeing you like this.
Moving on with my life would be a luxury at the very least, but she keeps sucking me back in
with all this legal bullshit!
What's that? Jessica asked, pointing to a small pile of anti-depressant prescriptions.
I was given a bunch of prescriptions for anti-depressants but I refuse to take them. I probably
should be though...
Don't. Smoke pot instead if you have to. I was on anti-depressants when I was a teenager. What
do you think helps more? A medical cocktail of celexa, trazodone, larazapam and whatever else plus
side effects, or a good old joint?
Marijuana never sat well with me.
I got up and poured myself a glass of whiskey.
Jessica looked at me with concerned eyes. Jordan, stop. It's not what happens to you that makes
you who you are, it's how you deal with it.
Half of me wants to die, the other half wants to live. I honestly don't know which side is going
to win. I have so many pain killers, it would be enough. I'm sick of feeling this way. Nothing seems
to help and I just want to stop suffocating in my own sorrow.
If you die, who the hell am I suppose to talk to? You understand things that most people don't.
You might not know it, but I need you. Don't leave me.
You're not just saying that to talk me out of it? I don't understand what you see in me. Yeah,
maybe I had something special about me, but it's gone now. I just don't have the will to do anything
anymore. Maybe I'm not the person you thought I was. I'm weaker than you think.
No, you're stronger than you think. You just need to look at yourself the way I do. You barely
put a dent in your twenties and you've already done so many amazing things in your life. If you can
do the things you've done in such a short time, think of what you'll achieve in the years to come.
And you're going to give that up over a stupid girl?
I don't even know if it's about Jill anymore. She triggered me into this hole, and once you've
been in it long enough, you tend to crouch down and call it home. My best days are behind me.
That's not true. If you can push through it, I promise it will all be worth it. Spend the summer
with me and I will show you. I will show you what life is really about.

What exactly can you show me?

Guess you have to wait and see. Look, I've tried to kill myself at least five times. I was in the
psych ward twice and I have scars all over my arms and legs from cutting when I was a teenager. I
know. I understand. I know what it's like to want to die, when you feel worthless and their's no
point. But look at me now. It's worth it.
Alright. I'll do it. I hope you can show me something that changes this. I can't accept this life
anymore and I need drastic changes.
Promise me.
I don't know if I can promise, but I'll do my best.
Start by pouring that glass in the sink.
I was already having trouble doing that. But after a moment, I did. Then Jessica made me pour
the rest of bottle down the drain before talking me into handing over all my pain killers.
Maybe I could do this, I thought, maybe this girl is going to save my life.
***
We arranged a meet up the following day and planned a recreational outing at West Edmonton
Mall.
We hit the arcade first. I slipped a ten dollar bill into the token dispenser. We played air hockey
first and it was intense, we continued to volley the puck back and forth scoring on eachother. As I
took the lead, Jessica became very competitive. We argued who was going to win and I got too
cocky believing that it would be me. She smacked the puck right into my pocket and shot her arms
up in victory.
We went into a booth and played a game that consisted of zombie pirates boarding a ship and
throwing Molotov cocktails at the screen. It was quite humouring when I turned to look at Jessica
because she was cowering, quivering her lips, and leaning away from the screen. She was stoned
and the pirates were reasonably scary-looking when they were lunging toward us.
Afterword, Jessica asked which game we should play next. I joked about seeing Jessica groove
to Dance Dance Revolution. The next thing I knew, she was pulling me onto the platform and
picking a song. She kicked my ass; I didn't have her coordination. We set the second song to the
hard difficulty and it was a mess. I was lucky if I hit twenty steps out of the hundreds that flew onto
the screen.
Jessica started playing this game where she inserted a coin and tried to roll it into a small hole.
She hit a jackpot and won several hundred tickets that we used to buy a pair of penguins.
I proudly walked out of the arcade holding a penguin in each hand.

After the arcade, I picked up on a strange, but defining and likeable habit of Jessica's. When
conversation drew to a silence, she would recite exact conversations that we had earlier her verbal
memory was unparallelled.
"Jessica, when we were in the car at 2:55 p.m, what were we talking about?"
Jessica started reciting the exact conversation we had at 2:55 p.m. My jaw dropped.
"I remember everything, Jordan, everything!"
"What about when you're intoxicated?"
"Doesn't phase me. I remember everything."
"I love that, but it scares me at the same time!"
"Why's that?"
"Because every stupid thing I do is probably going to get recorded in your mind forever!"
"Yeah, probably," she chuckled.
We ended up at the amusement park within the mall and Jessica, being high, had her focus all
over the place. It wasn't a big deal until a mentally impaired teenager crouched in front of Jessica.
Jessica froze dead in her tracks staring at the male as he crawled up to her on all fours like
Spiderman and then ran off behind her.
I laughed just imagining what was going through her head.
"Did I just see that?
"See what?"
"Don't play with me!" she laughed, "I know that just happened."
"What did you see?" I asked, pretending to be perplexed and then finally admitted that it was
real.
We entered the dollar store and she convinced me to buy a colouring book with her so we could
color them and compare our books after. Then we went to HMV and bought Scooby Doo movies.

Nothing was too silly for Jessica, and I loved that about her.

Myself & Jessica Shaw

Whenever we made eye contact, I had to force myself to stop gazing. Her eyes were so kind,
glossy, and captivating that it was easy to get lost in them.
I knew what I wanted and it was right before my eyes. She was everything I ever wanted in a girl
and more.
But I couldn't have her and I had too much respect for her to even try. It was the ring on her
finger, she was engaged to another and she was someone that deserved people that left her life
better than when they entered it.
I thought about kissing her throughout the day but quickly buried that idea because the outcome
was unpredictable. She was far too valuable of a friend and I wasn't willing to gamble such a
friendship on something as petty as a kiss.
I knew what I ultimately wanted in a woman afterward. I had wondered what the perfect girl for

me would be like, and I now had something to compare her to.

***
I couldn't do it. My addiction was calling me. I drove to the nearest liquor store and bought a
bottle of whiskey, took it home, and got drunk.
Jessica came to see me again in the evening, she was so upset to see me drinking again. And then
she saw the paperwork for my firearm permit because I was stupid enough to leave it laying out in
the open. It didn't take her long to figure out what it was really for.
I wanna smack you upside the head! You need to realize that killing yourself isn't going to solve
a thing. You know what it does to me? Fighting for my friends life? Not having any idea if Ill ever
talk to him again and I'm totally fucking helpless to stop it. I wish you could be happy, I want to see
you succeed because you have so much to offer and you just want to throw it away! You're not
Jordan Gardiner right now, and I'm trying to get him back. I'm trying, but I'm failing.
My eyes watered over and I felt like completely breaking down. I was too stupid to see how
much she really cared about me, and I was throwing her effort on the ground and mercilessly
stomping on it.
I placed my hand on the side of Jessica's face. Jessica, you're doing more than you realize. You
inspire me and I look up to you. When I talk to you, it puts me at so much ease. There's something
so fascinating and desirable about your personality. I'm just so lost. I don't know who I was before
all this and I don't know if he's ever coming back. I feel dead, and empty, and hollow. My life has
no substance to it anymore. This isn't a life worth living. But for you, only for you, I'm going to
try.
I was empty and numb. I wanted to die," Jessica began in a heartbroken voice," I had to rebuild
myself from a shell of nothing. It takes time but it's worth it. I'm living proof of that. I was different
before too. I never got the old me back. I was happier before but Im still okay with who I am now.
You may never get the old you back, but you're still worth just as much.
I really want to say something to you, but don't know if I should.
Why shouldn't you?
I'm becoming immensely attracted to you. It's not just your adorable looks but your outstanding
personality. I wish I had you. I know you'd be the perfect girl for me and we could build each other
up so high. There is this amazing energy that you radiate; it's intoxicating.
You know, some people in this world may seem like one of a kind, but there really are a lot of
people alike. I'm confident you'll push through and find the perfect girl for you.
I smiled because I knew Jessica wouldn't act on what I said, even if she did have feelings. She
couldn't be phased by anything. She carefully placed her loyalties, she carefully chose her friends,
and she wouldn't let anything come between her and her choices. I was proud of her.
Jessica was a blessing. She was the only thing keeping me grounded and I was more than lucky
to have her as a friend.
I really, really want to read your book.

Are you sure you want to open my Pandora's Box? I laughed.

Yes. I want a copy, signed!
I can do that.
Promise?
Oh, I see what you did there. Sneaky. Alright, then you have to totally ignore that rough draft
that may or may not be in your inbox. I want you to wait until the final product if I'm sticking
around to finish it.
That's like saying to a five-year-old, 'You see that great, big, shiny, red button? Do NOT push it.'
But I wanna push the button!
So Jessica Shaw prevented me from drinking, popping pills, and she had me writing again.

Chapter 3
American Audacity

After two months of depression and self-medicating, I started to find fragments of my self worth,
confidence, and desire to succeed again. I thought in time, I could become thankful for losing Jill
and convince myself it was a blessing in disguise. I had energy, time, and willpower that wasn't
there before because I had been pouring it all into Jill.
Opportunities rose, doors opened, and experiences happened that I never thought were possible. I
settled into a standard life with Jill, but now I had the freedom to pursue my dreams in acting, and
finish my book.
It's when you lose everything that you realize life is beautiful.
I still felt the tremendous loss and heartbreak of Jill, but I moved forward because that was the
only thing I could do.
Even though it seemed like I had rebuilt myself from the ground up, I was never the same. After
Jill, I let go of my morals and values because I saw them as obsolete attributes; I viewed them as
weakness. I wanted to make sure Jill never happened to me again. I became incredibly cocky and
over-confident to the point of arrogance, it was a mask to hide my inner emotions from myself. I
blindly built a wall inside my head locking away my agony and pain so that not I and nor anyone
else could see it.
When I was finally ready to get back into the world, my social life boomed out of control.
Although, I tried to get back into my old pick-up routines and techniques, I had been out of the
dating game for so long that I didn't even know if I remembered how to flirt properly.
***
I had to hand it to Jessica, she really was making a change to my disposition toward life.
We pulled up to the United States border in Jessica's car. I reluctantly presented my passport
wondering what would happen with a record of arrest and a pending trial.
The border guard waved us through; I was in the United States of America. It felt amazing
knowing that I had a freedom I thought I might not have.
We traveled through the state of Montana, and made our way into Coeur d'Alene, Idaho,
checking into a hotel.
Coeur d'Alene is a small town by American standards, but by no means a small town by my
Canadian standards. We bought a package deal: stay one weekend and earn two free tickets to
Silverwood, an amusement park.. They were transforming the theme park into a massive creepy

carnival for a special event.

The evening after checking in, Jessica and I departed to the theme park.
Colored lights flashed from rollercoasters and falling elevators of doom. The buildings were
showered with cob web and creepy skulls with blood flushing from their eye-sockets. Fog machines
covered the area in an ominous and insidious atmosphere.
It was difficult to find parking as masses of families and drunk, rowdy teenagers occupied the
stalls before flooding toward the main gates.
Walking into the land of the dead, actors with the most disfigured faces and horrific costumes ran
around chasing and screaming at guests.
I'd gone through about three different haunted houses with Jessica; she was holding onto me
tightly as creatures of the night instilled fear into her. I admittedly got scared at the end of one
haunted house when a six foot, pig-faced man came running for us with a loud chainsaw prop.
We ended up by the large wooden roller coasters; which were derailed and placed backward. A
reversed roller-coaster seemed just like the thrill I craved. Jessica had no interest in stepping foot
onto the attraction. She was feeling fatigued after driving all day.
Jessica suggested that we split up because she wanted to check out some of the gift shops and we
could re-meet. I agreed that it was a sound plan and joined the line-up to the coaster.
There was a nice, toasty, heated lamp by the line up; I stood by it for a few minutes because it
was unusually chilly that night. I started to think the line up was too long and nearly ejected until a
group of girls ran in front of the heated lamp, blocking my warmth.
"We're sorry if we're taking your heat," a brunette smiled.
"We're not sorry! We're really COLD!" her blonde friend exclaimed.
I started chatting them up, asking why they weren't with their boyfriends. Lo and behold, they
were single. I was taken aback, because they seemed too pretty to be single, and almost every
attractive girl I'd seen that night was accompanied by family or a guy.
You're pretty cute, the blonde informed me in mid-conversation.
Goddamn, I loved American girls. They're always so upfront.
Thank you; so are you, I remarked. Do you girls want to sit with me on the roller-coaster?
Actually, we just came over to get warm. We were going to go into the bush and drink this, the
blonde told me as she revealed a mickey or rum inside her purse. Do you want to come?
Absolutely, but first I'd like to know your names.
I'm Alexa, the blonde informed me, and this is Summer.
We found a secluded area behind a wall of trees. Alexa pulled a mickey of rum out of her
handbag and we started to drink, which was a bad idea because once I started, I didn't know how to
stop.
I asked them if they wanted to go into some of the haunted houses with me; hinting that they
could hold onto me while I protect them. We collected a pair of blue and red, framed glasses before
walking inside a 3D fun-house. I endured the long corridors and creepy actors; it was quite
disorientating with slight intoxication creeping up, and three-dimensional images popping off every

surface.
As I entered another corridor with the girls, a hot, blonde girl in a clown costume opened a trap
door, whipping her arm out at me with a metal-like drill prop in her hand. I was smacked in the face
so hard that I lost my vision for a moment. "FUCK," I shouted in pain as blood started dribbling
from my nose. I turned to look at what hit me, and there she was looking afraid. It was obvious she
made a mistake by shoving her drill prop into my face, connecting with my nose and giving me the
most avid nose bleed of my life. Looking into her deep, dark eyes, I knew how scared she felt for
hitting a guest. I let it go and stumbled out of the fun-house with a bloody face.
I was impressed that a blonde, American girl could subdue me, even if it was with a deadly drill
prop. I found it amusing that I had a new story to tell: The American Clown Girl That Made Me
Bleed.
I got back onto the paved walkway and a group of teenagers stopped to ask me for directions. It
seemed I looked like an actor with all the blood on my face. Alexa, luckily had napkins in her bag
and helped me get cleaned up.
I checked my phone and Jessica had sent me several text messages wondering where the hell I
was.
You have to meet my friend, Jessica! I told the girls.
I met with Jessica. Her face flooded with concern after seeing the visual evidence of trauma to
my face. As I started to explain, she smelt the alcohol on my breath. She looked at me with so much
disappointment before shaking her head.
I'm trying so hard, and you really don't even care, do you?
You don't understand... I slurred slightly.
I see it didn't take you long to find some girls and forget all about me. I hope you have enough
money for a taxi, Jessica said in disgust as she turned around and left me standing there.
You're friend is kind of a bitch, Summer said to me.
She's not, I just keep disappointing her.
It's okay, you can hang out with us for the rest of the night, Alexa offered, we're going to a
party.
I took the girls up on there offer. We stopped at a liquor store and I purchased my beloved
whiskey and offered the girls whatever they wanted; it was the least I could do.
Summer was driving and she liked to speed. It was quite a rush when she was gunning down an
isolated highway at one-hundred-fifty kilometres per hour while I was hanging out of the moonroof with a beer in my hand.
I shouted at the sky without a care in the world before ducking back into the car.
Oh my god, you're so awesome. Where are you from, Jordan? Alexa asked.
Canada!
WHAT? WE PICKED UP A FUCKING CANADIAN? Summer burst out hysterically. But
you don't have an accent or anything.
Interesting, the Americans I met in Cancun couldn't pick up on my accent either.

You're lying! You are so American.

You got me, I'm South 'Murican, yeehaw!
"We do not sound that like that!" Alexa snapped.
"Let's hear you do a Canadian impression," I countered.
Alexa looked at me with serious eyes and let out a strong, "EH!"
I thought Canadians were suppose to be conservative, Summer stated.
Not me.
I'm still not buying that you're Canadian.
Have a look at my passport, I said, handing it to Alexa.
Yeah, he's Canadian, Alexa said to Summer.
Summer slowed the car down and pulled onto an acreage filled with vehicles. An immense white
house sat at one end of the field, where drunk, young adults occupied the porch shouting profanities
at nothing in particular. A large congestion occupied the center of the field and a few shirtless men
in jeans were discharging their firearms into empty beer cans.
Summer and Alexa convened with the group in the field and introduced me to a man named
Rick; he was the host of the party. Summer made some kind of hand gesture toward Rick before he
invited us to follow him inside. He led us into empty room and shut the door behind us.
Rick reached into his pocket and pulled out a small bag of cocaine. He spread out four lines
across a dresser top and rolled up a twenty dollar bill. He snorted a line and then handed the bill to
Summer, which proceeded to Alexa, and then me.
I started at it for a moment, wondering if that was a line I was willing to cross. I didn't give a
fuck. I grabbed the bill and snorted the line.
I've never done that before, I stated.
You're in for a treat man. Enjoy this night, Rick told me.
Awe, I hope you don't feel pressured, Alexa said to me.
He's not even from our country; he's Canadian, Summer explained to Rick.
Canadian huh? You ever fire a gun before?
Not yet.
Oh man, I'm going to give you another novelty experience!
Rick beckoned me and the girls to follow him outside. He loaded a handgun and held it out to
me.
To take the safety off...
I know how use this, I interrupted as I clicked the safety off and cocked the gun.
I discharged the weapon into the pyramid of beer cans sitting on a fence. The first round missed,
the second pierced through the top can, and the four final rounds flew into the supporting cans.
I am going to make a killer out of this guy! Rick shouted as he tossed me a cold beer from his

cooler on the porch.

After several minutes, the drug I had snorted seemed to have counteracted the effects of
intoxication. I walked up to Summer and Alexa feeling like a king. "I don't know what's come over
me, but DAMN I FEEL AWESOME!"
Alexa grabbed the collar of my shirt and pulled me in for a peck. She pressed her head to mine
making an erotic sound. "You're mine tonight, just so you know," she said with vigor.
I walked out into the field feeling fucking awesome. I cocked the gun again and raised it into the
air. I discharged every round into the sky cheering as loudly as I could. Rick brought out a shotgun,
and another clip for my handgun. Alexa and Summer joined us with handguns of their own.
Rick gestured us to sit down in the tall grass as he spread out more lines of cocaine over the base
of the shotgun. We snorted more lines, unanimously raised our guns to the stars, and discharged
everything into the sky.
I flopped backward into the grass absorbing the moment. I never wanted it to end. But inevitably,
the drug had started to wear off. And then the real world became apparent again as Alexa started to
get upset over some text messages she was receiving. She showed Summer and they were
discussing something in low monotones.
What's going on? I asked, showing genuine concern for Alexa. Rick's ears perked up and he
began listening in.
Some guy is harassing Alexa, Summer explained, telling everyone she has diseases and shit
because she wouldn't fuck him.
Oh my god, Alexa started, he just sent me another text message and actually expects me to
come see him tonight.
"I think Alexa should go see him," I said with a cocky edge like I knew something everyone else
didn't.
"Why the fuck..." Rick started.
"He'll be expecting her and only her. Think of how surprised he'll be when we show up behind
Alexa and group of guys itching for a fight?
For a Canadian, you're really growing on me, Rick said, placing his hand on my shoulder, I'll
call in my cavalry. He went inside his house calling a half dozen of his loyal friends to arms.
"We're all set!" he exclaimed, clapping his hands together.
"Can we actually gang beat him?" Rick asked.
"No!" Alexa whined.
"Of course not, we're just going to send him a very clear message and make him piss his pants a
little, I laughed.
"We'll see what happens, I guess," Rick replied as he jumped into a truck with his band of
friends.
I got into the car with Summer and Alexa.
"Henry is at work and he has a fifteen minute break soon. He's still hitting on me," Alexa scoffed.
Summer was having a blast trying to keep up with Rick's truck. She was driving the car like it

was a bullet-proof Ferrari. We arrived in Coeur d'Alene once more and peeled into a hotel parking
lot.
We left the vehicles and swarmed toward the side of the building where Henry was sitting down
puffing on a cigarette. Henry let out a nervous Hey, as we formed a semi-circle around him.
"Let's go for a chat, bud," I said to him as I beckoned him to follow me around the corner of the
hotel. I didn't know what I was doing. Alexa wanted a word with him, Rick wanted to gang beat
him, and I was taking him around the corner for a private chat. I think some part of me that still had
a soul wanted to save his ass.
"What's going on?" he asked, confused.
"All those guys around the corner, they're really itching for a fight and Alexa isn't happy with
some of the things you've been saying about her."
"I was..." he interrupted.
"I don't care what the story is, I don't know all the details, but the bottom line is that you will
cease contact with her. You seem like a level headed guy so trust me when I say it's in your best
interest. Now all those guys want to jump you when we come back around the corner; I'm going to
try and talk them down for you. So no bullshit, got it?"
He nodded. I took the smoke out of his mouth and walked away as I finished it off.
Henry didn't come back around the corner and went back inside the hotel from another entrance.
"What happened?" Rick asked.
"He got the message. I doubt he'll bother Alexa again.
I looked over Rick's shoulder and spotted Alexa sitting on the hood of the car; evaluating her
attractiveness. I was decently intoxicated and was feeling more cocky than I ever had.
I walked up to her and started talking about a magic trick I wanted to show her.
"Okay, close your eyes," I said to her.
"I don't want to," she whined.
"Alright, I can't do this," I said and started to walk away from her.
"Wait," she shouted, "okay, I'm doing it." She closed her eyes waiting for the so-called magic
trick.
I leaned in and planted a big kiss on her mouth.
"Oh my god!" she yelled and ran towards Summer. "Summer, HE KISSED ME!"
"Jordan, bad!" Summer scolded.
I felt so proud of myself.
The rest of the night turned into speeding around the town with pellet and paintball guns,
shooting up vehicles, houses, and random bystanders on the sidewalks. We were animals, screaming
wild shit out of our cars. We knew no limits.
The thing about getting a piece of myself back, was that when I saw the first sign of confidence,
I latched onto it, giving myself to it fully. After eking out my days inside of my hole, my confidence
was tainted, poisoned, corrupt; it was transformed into pure cockiness and ill-tempered arrogance.

Chapter 4
The Goat In The Woods

I'm concerned about you. I didn't think things would be like this. I'm starting to wonder if you're
beyond helping.
Jessica, I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't have drank, but it was socially. I'm not downing bottles by
myself and popping dozens of pills. I think I'm starting to get a hold of myself. I can control
myself.
What did you do with those girls last night? You didn't get in until five in the morning.
Alexa and Summer just hung out; they showed me some cool areas.
That's awfully vague.
I couldn't tell Jessica what happened last night. I felt like she was started to get sick of my shit
and I knew she was still mad at me.
Since when did you get it in your head that I started owing you explanations and needing your
approval to make my own decisions like an adult?
Jessica gave me a distasteful look and walked out of the room. I knew I had a tell when I was
lying; a guilty look in my eyes gave it away and it generally took the most precise concentration to
hide it.
An hour passed and I decided to look for Jessica. Her car was still at the hotel so she wasn't far. I
had found her in a park across the street; she was laying down in the grass listening to music on her
phone.
I'm sorry.
I've known you long enough to know when you're lying, when you're happy, when you're sad.
You're trying to convince me that you doing better, but who are you really trying to fool? You're
running away from this, hiding from your problems by going out and drowning your miseries with
whatever is in front you. This isn't something that be fixed from the outside, I hope you know that.
Jessica and I went shopping. I bought a new wardrobe and a four-hundred-dollar, New York-style
coat.
In between stores, I noticed a suspicious character hanging out in an alley. He dumped a bag in a
garbage bin; it looked way too weird so after he left, Jessica and I investigated. We found the bag
and inside were five kittens. It was horrible that someone just threw those adorable babies in the
garbage and left them to die. Being kittens, they would not have been able to lift the large metal lid,
or would've been crushed inside a waste management truck. Jessica and I located the nearest animal
shelter and saved those five innocent lives.
Saving those kittens with Jessica seemed to have alleviated the tension between her and I.

In evening we headed back toward the hotel. Jessica stopped before an isolated intersection when
the GPS's voice directed her to turn left. I frantically observed our surrounding.
Uh Jessica, I think you're driving the wrong way.
It's okay, the GPS wouldn't lie.
But the GPS did lie, and at the the intersection before us, the lights turned green and several
dozen vehicles started accelerating toward us. Fucking oncoming traffic!
HOLY FUCK! Jessica screamed. She flipped the car into reverse and started gunning it back
the way we came. She panicked and tossed the steering wheel adjacent too early, popping the rear
wheels of the car onto the sidewalk. She pressed on the gas again, straightened the car, and started
driving normally down the one-way street like nobody saw anything.
"You're a fucking lunatic!"
"The GPS is a lunatic! It told me to turn left."
"But a normal person would check if going down a one-way street was really the right way,
instead of blindly listening to the evil GPS."
"I figured it out!"
"Yeah, after we had oncoming traffic flying toward us."
"We're okay, she said, taking a deep breath, whew.
I was genuinely scared for my life, but I shouted out of the window at the top of my lungs, to
unleash some of that excitement and adrenaline.
I pulled my head back into the car and turned to Jessica, "Those Americans probably saw your
license plate and are thinking, 'Fucking Canadians!'
***
Alexa texted me that evening asking what I was doing. She wanted me to hang out with her and
Summer again. I agreed and the girls picked me up.
When the girls showed up at the hotel parking lot, they were drunk and hysterical.
Jordan, are you sober? Can you drive? Me and Summer are so wasted, we almost crashed on the
way here like three times!
I don't know what the rules are on driving American vehicles with a Canadian license, but I can
drive.
Summer tossed me the keys and began telling me directions.
"So what are we doing?" I asked as we got into the car.
"We're meeting up with Rick, he says we're taking part in a yearly tradition," Summer replied.
Sounds interesting.
Summer opened a bottle of alcohol and passed it to me. I was foolish and detached enough to
take it without weighing the consequences. I knew what could happen if I was caught getting so out

of control in a country that was not my own.

Rick was in the parking lot of a diner before he recognized that we were there and pulled out to
lead the way. Summer informed me earlier that we were stopping at her friends house to play poker
before the tradition started.
I had some difficulty keeping up with Rick, he was driving his truck like it was a bullet-proof
Ferrari.
"Oh, so that's how he wants to play!" I said to Summer as I descended my foot upon the gas.
Summer giggled as she was frantically texting someone. Her phone dinged with a text message
and she put it up to my face. It was a message from Alexa telling Summer that she wanted to get me
at her place at the end of the night. Underneath I caught an outgoing message telling Alexa to forget
about Taylor.
"Oh my god, Alexa scoffed, did you seriously just show him?
Summer let out a sinister laugh.
I looked into the rear view mirror; Alexa was blushing. I continued driving while smirking to
myself. I knew it was on and Alexa knew I knew.
"Okay, this is not cool, you have to say something!" Alexa demanded.
"Who's Taylor?" I laughed.
"Ex-boyfriend. We actually kind of have a thing going on right now."
I knew she added that last part in attempt to bring out jealousy.
"Oh, my condolences."
Alexa's mouth dropped open. "You're ruthless!" she stammered.
"I'm actually a pretty nice guy, you just haven't seen me sober yet."
"I thought you said you were sober when we got you!"
"I'm kidding!"
"I hope to god you are! Even Summer's driving scares the shit out of me."
"You can trust my driving."
"How do I know that?"
"I have a good track record. I've only had one fatal accident that nearly took my life."
"Ha...ha."
I flipped through my phone, brought up the pictures of my decimated Matrix from countless
years ago and handed them to her. She got nervous and asked me to slow the car down. I obliged
and assured her that I wasn't drunk. I told her the story of how the accident happened and purposely
left out the ending of the experience. I told Alexa that if she wanted to know the rest of the story, I'd
only tell her about it on our second date. She was already eager to make plans for the following
morning; I had her hooked.
I saw Rick's brake light come on and he pulled into a trailer park at the edge of town.
Rick waved me over to meet his friend, Nick; he seemed explicitly friendly. Nick was

accompanied by a girl named Samantha. After some unintended eavesdropping, I learned that
Samantha and Nick had only met each other that day.
So they're not dating, I thought with devious plot on my mind.
Samantha was attractive and I acquainted myself with her by running some lines from The
Game. "I need a female opinion on something, If a girl is dating a guy and she goes out to the bar
with her friends, gets drunk, and makes out with other guys for fun, that's cheating right?"
"Yeah, I've heard this before. And then you ask if it's still cheating if she makes out with a girl
instead, which yes, it is. I've read that book."
"Shit," I laughed, "that book is getting way too popular."
Samantha smiled and walked away. I had never been called on running material before. I was
baffled.
We stuck around at Nick's trailer for an hour drinking, chatting, and playing poker before we
prepared to head out. Everyone had done a line of coke but I decided I was going to opt out of the
practice that time; the last thing I needed was another addiction.
The tradition was to take place at a high school a few miles down the road but we were going to
take the back roads since we were all drunk. The back roads consisted of dirt that traveled a
winding ravine.
Every year, Rick and a group of friends climbed and scaled his high school rooftops. They would
drink and play football up there. Apparently the rooftops were one hell of a climb and the rooftops
were an ultimate parkour course.
Alexa and I returned to the car but Summer explained that she was going to go with Rick and
meet us there. Nick wanted to lay in the trunk on a dare that Rick gave him and go hard through the
ravine.
"Go ahead," I told him and popped the trunk open. I was going to make his descent into the
ravine a living hell.
I gunned it down the dirt road, spitting pebbles and rocks all over the place. I slammed on the
brakes multiple times and swerved around the curves. I could hear Nick banging in the truck. "I
changed my mind! Please slow down. I don't want to die!" he shouted.
Alexa had found the bottle that Summer left behind and started taking shots. She was really
drunk and she reached her hand over my leg and began rubbing my crotch. I leaned my head back.
"Oh fuck," I said aloud. I hadn't had sex for countless months since Jill, it wasn't very hard to turn
me on. "You're so bad," I told Alexa.
She giggled. "Can you sleep at my house at the end of night?" she said in the cutest voice I ever
heard, "I'll do anything."
"Anything?"
"Anything!" she assured.
I was sold. I confidently ripped down the rest of the dirt road as Alexa undid my belt and ran her
hand down my shorts. I made it onto the highway, found the school and pulled into the school
parking lot. Rick pulled in beside me and Alexa quickly did my belt back up. I kind of wanted to
say fuck the rest of the night and go straight to her place.

I popped the trunk and let Nick out, he seemed alright, a little dizzy, but alright. When we got out
of the car, Alexa started stumbling toward the tree line that led deep into the forest. I didn't think
much of it but Summer urged me to go after her.
"Fuck, not this shit again. I didn't think she drank that much," Summer scoffed.
"She was drinking vodka in the car all the way down. What's going on?"
"When she gets more drunk than she can handle she always runs off and if we don't stop her or
follow her, good luck finding her afterward."
"Oh great," I replied as I ran after her.
Alexa was stubborn and there was no way to reason with her. She kept insisting that she was fine
and that she just wanted to go for a run. She kept falling down and scrapping up her legs and knees
and I was sure she was going to hurt herself so I restrained her. I was careful not to restrain her too
forcefully so she kept slipping out of my grasp and running through the woods as fast as she could
leaving her shoes behind. I chased after her and we were getting deeper and deeper into the woods
that I started to worry if I could even find my way back. I caught up to her and wrapped my arms
around her waist. She spun around and smacked me in the face.
"Fuck off! Let me go!" she screamed.
"Fine! Fuck you then, you got no shoes, it's cold, you're wearing a dress, and you got no way
home after Summer and I leave. You did this to yourself!" I yelled after her as she disappeared into
the dark. "I sure know how to pick them," I muttered to myself as I started walking back to the
school.
I walked for a while and finally spotted the lights from the school illuminating through the tree
branches. Summer was sitting in her car fuming.
"You okay?" I asked as I walked up to her window.
"No," she yelled, "she always fucking does this. It's always when we're out of town too so then if
I leave her behind, I'll feel guilty. I'm so sick of her bullshit! You know what, fuck it. She can stay
lost and walk all the way back to town when she sobers up."
I pleaded with Summer not to go, "Can you please help me find her and convince her to come
back. I'm worried about her." Summer didn't want anything to with Alexa at the time. Kyle, Rick
and Samantha got out of the car to help me find her. I was really thankful for that. Summer didn't
want to stay in the car alone and now she couldn't leave without the group, so she unwillingly came
to help.
The five of us wandered the woods for nearly an hour. During the search, Samantha and Nick
were flirting with each other pretty hard, I predicted that they would hook up at the end of the night.
We eventually found the shoreline of the nearby lake. We couldn't find Alexa anywhere and that
worried me even further. We were about to turn around back into the woods but Alex spotted
something. "What's that over there? he said, pointing. There was a tiny light off in the distance
beside the lake small enough to be the flame of a lighter, and then it disappeared.
We ran over to where we saw the light and there Alexa was, crying as she was inhaling her
cigarette. Summer freaked out on Alexa before I asked her to take it easy. I sat down beside Alexa
and put my arm around her back. She was freezing.

"Are you okay?"

"Nope," she sobbed.
"What's wrong?"
The only answer she would give us was Summer, because she was mad at her. She refused to
move because she was too upset.
I spoke to Summer a few meters away and asked if she could forgive Alexa. Summer was firm
with her anger. "Or at least pretend to forgive her?" I adjusted.
"Fine, only if it gets me out of here faster," she hissed into my ear.
Summer threw on a fake voice and act that seemed to be effective on Alexa. She agreed to come
back to the school with us. The six of us headed back threw the woods searching for the lights of
the school. We ended up finding an isolated pathway and followed it. We had no idea where it went
but we were eventually trudging through mud. It was so dark that we couldn't see that part of the
lake flooded into the path we were on. Nick thought he was merely pushing through a puddle but
dropped into water that was waist deep.
"What...is...this! Nick gasped, stammering."What the hell is going on. I can't see shit. Did I just
fall into the lake?" I peered through trees and saw that we were practically back at the edge of the
lake. The water level had been way higher than normal that summer due to severe rainfall in the
past couple weeks. Nick climbed out soaking wet and we backtracked along the pathway.
We ended up finding a random goat tied to a tree on the side of the pathway. We were all
hysterical, wondering if we were tripping out and suddenly fell into Alice In Wonderland or if the
goat was actually there.
The goat seemed to have cheered everyone up. Summer seemed to have actually forgiven Alexa
and we were all having fun again. We continued along the pathway and it eventually led us back to
the school.
"Why didn't we see the pathway before?" I laughed.
"Because it was too dark and we were too fucked up to notice it," Nick concluded.
"It's only 2:30 a.m, does anyone still want to climb the school?" Nick asked in hopefulness.
"I'm down," I replied, "but we need to drink more. We're all too sober for this shit."
We went back to the car, we passed my vodka and Summer's tequila around. Alexa wasn't as
sober as she appeared because as she drank more she began closing and reopening her eyes until she
laid down and passed out right in the middle of the parking lot.
Alexa's out cold, she's not going anywhere and I can only take care of her so much in one
night, I rationalized to the group, Lets do this tradition.
Rick and Samantha were on the roof helping pull Summer up. Nick didn't want to go up because
he was certain that he would break his neck. I climbed up with ease, I still had some of my athletic
ability from my youth. Samantha was sitting on the edge of the roof with the tequila.
"Hey, you got that up!" I exclaimed excitedly. She passed the bottle over to me and I took a
victory shot. "Victory shots everybody!" I shouted. Everyone had one.
Then to everyone's horror, Alexa stumbled over beneath us and she wanted up. No one could tell

her no, everyone decided against my better judgement and helped her climb up. Nick was beneath
her so he could catch her just in case. All three us leaned over the ledge to pull her up safely.
I wasn't worried so much about getting her up as I was getting her back down. Alexa grabbed
onto my hand and her other hand was placed in Rick's. We heaved her up with all the strength we
had, her foot slipped and her chest slammed into the ledge. We continued pulling her up until she
was on the roof.
Alexa just noticed that she was covered in scrapes and bruises. She showed me a large one on her
chest from slamming into the side of the school. "Kiss it better?" she asked me in her cutest voice.
Alexa and I went exploring over the large roof while everyone else sat at the edge of the rooftop
continuing to drink.
We all had another round of Victory shots and I really started to feel the liqour again.
We started to search for a way to get inside the school as we circled the premise and tried to
unlock the gymnasium doors with Nick's ID by slipping it between the doors and trying to nudge
the latch. We had no luck.
Summer had the great idea of smashing the window of one of the doors at the front entrance
without telling anybody. She reached through the broken window and opened the door from the
inside. No alarms sounded, the coast was clear. Summer and Samantha began running through the
hallways laughing, giggling and shouting. Then I figure they tripped a sensor that was further into
the school, because alarms went ringing. We ran to our cars and peeled out of the parking lot.
We sped about half a kilometre and discreetly parked in front of Nick's home. I was too drunk to
continue driving so Nick said it was okay to leave my car at his place until morning. Nick thanked
us for the really good time and called it a night.
I jumped into the back of Summer's car, sitting in between Alexa and Samantha. On the drive
back to Couer d'Alene, Alexa passed out cold again. Rick and Summer's eyes were focused on the
road and I kept glancing at Samantha. I was feeling incredibly bold after a dozen shots of tequila
and I placed my hand on Samantha's leg. She looked at me and smiled. I took that as an invitation to
keep going so I brought my hand closer to her crotch and started rubbing her through her jeans. She
leaned in toward me and we started making out quietly. I pulled away every few seconds to check if
Rick and Summer were still oblivious. They were. I put my hand underneath Samantha's shirt while
kissing her and started rubbing her right breast and then proceeded to slid my hand underneath her
jeans, her thong, and fingered her. She stopped kissing me and leaned back, biting her lip trying not
to moan. Before I knew it, we were in Couer d'Alene and Summer pulled into Samantha's driveway.
"Here you go," Summer said to Samantha and looked back after I already withdrew myself.
Samantha opened the car door, smacked me in the arm and pointed at Alexa, who was still out cold.
I smiled at her, and then she smiled back. I couldn't wipe the smirk off my face if my life
depended on it. I decided that I should apply bold to my attributes more often. Fortune favors the
bold as they say.
As Summer pulled up to Alexa's house, she woke up. Alexa asked me to help her inside and that
she wanted me to stay with her. I thanked Summer for the ride and told her I'd call her after waking
up. Alexa stumbled out of the car and I unlocked the front door for her after she gave me her keys. I
turned on the lights and Alexa sat down on the couch, observing her knee that appeared to have
been scrapped up the worst. She told me to go to the medicine cabinet in her bathroom. I brought

out some band aids for her. I kneeled down in front of Alexa and put her leg in my lap while trying
to open the band aid. I was too drunk and couldn't get them out of their wrapper. Alexa offered to do
it and she got them open no problem. I placed two band aids over Alexas knee and looked up into
her eyes. She stared right back at me and we both knew we were going to have sex.
***
I woke up not expecting to be beside someone. It felt so long since Jill and I missed finding
someone in my arms after waking up.
I checked my phone to find six missed phone calls from Jessica and more than a dozen text
messages. We were supposed to return to Canada that day.
Oh shit!
What's wrong? Alexa asked.
Do you have the cab number handy?
No?
Fuck, I may have lost my best friend and might be stranded in the U.S. right now.
That's kind of funny.
Glad you think so, I said sarcastically.
I called Jessica and she answered on the first ring. WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?
I'm actually not quite sure.
I've been driving around, looking at stores, going to coffee shops, just fucking around hoping I
wouldn't have to leave you behind. You had me worried sick. You have no idea how mad I am at
you.
Alexa came up behind me. I just asked Summer, we can give you a ride back to Canada if you
can find us somewhere to crash for a few days.
Uh Jessica, I'm really sorry this happened. I have another way to get home so you don't need to
worry about me. I'll explain everything when I get back.
Explain it to me now.
I can't. See you back in Edmonton. I hung up already thinking of whatever lie I was going to
tell her. I turned around to acknowledge Alexa. Done! I have a four bedroom townhouse that's
completely empty.

Chapter 5
Fate Doesn't Like Being Tempted Twice

Nothing phased me.

I felt like I had reverted back to a childish teenager. I didn't know what I was doing running
around with delinquent men and average-looking sluts. I used to live my life with substance and
date women whose personalitys' were equal to their beauty.
This life was merely a distraction. Binge drinking, dangerous driving, and worthless sex made
me forget my pain for a moment.
Rick, Summer, and Alexa were at my house drinking whiskey and playing poker.
Alexa knew that I had court against Jill in the next month and she asked me if she should take a
few days off work to come back to Canada and show support for me; she seemed to have assumed
the role of my girlfriend. I didn't have feelings for her, I didn't care what she did with her body and
life; she was just some skinny blonde I could fuck. But I fancied the idea of having a girl to flaunt at
Jill during the court case.
After an hour into the poker game, Summer poured a white powder onto the table and divided it
into two lines with one of the cards from the deck. Summer and Alexa snorted it and then Alexa
asked me if I wanted some. I turned the cocaine down. The girls suddenly had so much energy and
decided to go for a run outside, they did about fifteen laps around my house and then disappeared
into the sub-divisions. Rick and I stepped out onto the balcony for a smoke while listening to the
girls giggling and laughing somewhere in the distance.
After fifteen minutes, Alexa and Summer came running down the street and jumped over a large
metal bin. Alexa fell pretty hard and got up complaining about having even more bruises like the
ones she got in the United States climbing the school.
"Jordan, Rick, we want to go for a drive!" Summer announced. She pulled out her car keys,
jumping into the car with Alexa and started speeding away. We chased after them waving our arms.
Summer hit the brakes, rolled down the window and shouted for us to hurry up if we were coming.
Rick and I got into the back of the car to supervise the girls but with Summer drunk, on coke, and
behind the wheel, I knew none of us were safe.
"I think I need this," Rick said as he pulled a mickey of vodka out of his back pocket. He took
and shot and passed it to me.
Summer drove out in the flatland, flying around corners, pulling the e-brake and doing 180
degree turns.
I was mildly freaking out while Alexa was shouting all kinds of random stuff out the window.

Out of the stress and fear, I took countless shots of the vodka. Summer stopped the car so Nick
and Alexa could swap seats. Alexa jumped on me in the backseat and shoved her tongue in my
mouth. With Alexa attached my mouth and being as drunk as I was, I wasn't paying attention to
anything else. We hardly noticed or cared that the car nearly went off the road so many times.
Summer pulled out onto the highway and began gunning it. This poor blondie was standing on
the side of road with her thumb up. I laughed and then Summer started slowing down and pulled
over for her.
"Are you kidding me? We're picking this girl up?" I stammered.
"Yeah, and we're going to scare the living shit out of her," Summer winked.
"You are a cruel, cruel girl. Why we must be harass the cute ones?
Hey! Alexa exclaimed as she gave me a silly look.
Blondie jumped into the back beside me. "Thank you so much, it was really cold out there and
hardly any cars are driving by at this time of night. I need to get back into Edmonton," she told us.
I could smell liquor on her breath. Maybe she was a party animal too, maybe she was like us,
maybe she'd enjoy herself, I started thinking as I offered her some vodka from the mickey.
She declined.
Summer completely ignored blondie's request to go to Edmonton and floored it in the opposite
direction. The tires screeched around every curve and then Summer swung off the highway again
back onto the dirt roads. She was pulling more one-eighty degree turns before shooting into walls of
trees. The girl had a look of terror on her face as was staring straight at the road. She was already
regretting stepping foot in the crazy car.
Alexa started making out with me again. She wrapped her arms around me and dug her nails into
my back. I playfully bit her neck. She climbed on top of me started grinding her pelvis into mine.
Blondie was right there and I was so intoxicated that I just didn't give a fuck. I wanted her to see.
She tapped me on the shoulder. I turned around to look at her and she asked me for a shot. I
handed her the vodka before turning back around on Alexa. She started moaning subtly like she was
trying to put on a show for our hitchhiking friend. Blondie wasn't having it, she opened the door
while Summer was still going over one-hundred.
Summer noticed this and hammered on the brakes as blondie is trying to climb out of the car
while it's still moving. The car comes to a full stop and she takes off running.
Hey, Summer shouts to Alexa. Go and get her. We can't leave her out in the middle of
nowhere. Their's no cell service.
Summer asked who was most sober. I said it was probably me. I traded seats because Summer
claimed she was feeling too fucked up to keep driving.
Alexa gets out of the car, walks toward blondie, and tells her that she should come with us. That
it's not safe for her to be out there alone. Alexa grabs her arm and starts pulling her back toward the
car. She appears reluctant. Just then, this big, black Sierra filled with rednecks pulls up. They start
to holler at the girls.
Alexa yells, SEE! OH MY GOD, LETS GO!

The girls get into the car. I slam the car into reverse, flip it into another one-eighty, IT''S
EASTSIDE, EASTSIDE! I scream out the window as I leave the rednecks in a cloud of dust and
peel back out onto the highway.
Blondie is hysterical. Oh my god. What's happening?
I turn to the backseat, still driving recklessly, not even paying attention to the road. Eastside
rednecks. It's coke wars! COKE WARS!
Blondie is straight up freaking the fuck out. We drive back into Edmonton, she jumps out of the
car while it's still moving, flags down a cab, and gets the fuck out of there.
Later in the night, Scott and Luke called me to tell me about a party. I agreed and invited my
American guests to continue enduring the night.
Summer is good to drive again and we pick up Scott and Luke. We fill the car to overcapacity
and drive to a classy area. The house is filled with the privileged and some weird ass dubstep was
blasting out of blown speakers.
I start making my rounds and to my horror, I spot Jill. She's with her new boyfriend and he has
her arm around her. My chest felt like it filled with rage and it took every ounce of willpower to not
storm over there swinging my fists.
I run into the kitchen and grab a half-filled bottle of tequila that someone left there. I pour liquor
down my throat thinking that it's somehow going to take the edge off. But alcohol always make
things worse.
Rick came into the kitchen. There you are. Your girlfriend is looking for you.
We need to go. NOW!
Why?
My ex is here. I turned around and Alexa is standing right there with Summer.
Which ex? The one that's taking you to court? Alexa stammered.
I nodded. Let's get the fuck out of here!
No. Show me who she is. I'll tell her where to fucking go!
Then of all people, Paige spots me from the living room. JORDAN!?
Alexa naturally assumes that Paige is Jill. Before I could get a word out of my mouth, Alexa
approaches Paige and bitch slaps her across the face. The look of pure shock on Paige's face was
priceless. Although I still held great respect for Paige and cared about her.
I grabbed Alexa by the arm and told her, "Wrong Larsen," before pulling her toward the front
door. Just before I made it out, Jill's eyes met with mine for a half-second. -- That moment of eyecontact was an image burned into my mind. -- We weren't even there for ten minutes and we already
caused havoc.
Summer and Rick came running out after us. We jumped in the car and drove to a secluded
parking lot. Rick pulled out some more cocaine but explained he had run out of the good stuff. The
kind he was offering to everyone was lower grade meaning that it was laced.
I was almost tempted, but declined. I knew that if I had an additional substance in me, I would
not be able to control myself.

Summer started racing us back to my house. She was really feeling the rush and didn't give a
damn about the police or the public. She was cruising down the highway so fast that every other car
seemed as if they were motionless.
"Oh my god, what the fuck was that?" Summer yelled.
"What?" Rick asked.
"There it is again!"
"What?" Rick asked again.
"I keep seeing this flashing light behind me."
"That coke probably wasn't clean," I stated because Alexa kept claiming that there was little
critters running around on the floor of the car.
Summer wasn't paying attention to the road during her brief hallucinations. Glaring brake lights
illuminated in front of us. An SUV before us slowed right down to pull onto an overpass. Summer
slammed on the brakes but it was too late, she swerved around the SUV at almost 90 kilometres an
hour and spun out into the other lane. I heard a deathly screech as two beams of light came closing
in on us.

Chapter 6
The Great Divide

There is something about spending Canada Day alone, intoxicated, sitting on your bathroom
floor gripping a handgun that lets you know your life is spinning dangerously out of control.
I didn't really care what happened to me anymore. If I lost control of my car and shot off a cliff,
so be it. Jill wasn't suppose to kill my daughter, Jill wasn't suppose to leave me for a lesser man. I
saw a future with her, one I had worked hard toward and had been building for three years. I put
everything into her and it was gone. Three years of working, three years of my time and energy
were wasted. I held onto words like love, honesty, loyalty, compassion, and forgiveness to
demonstrate that I had what it took to be the best man for her, and all those words and their value
bought me nothing but grief, hatred, and self-destruction. I wasn't going to kill myself but I didn't
have to necessarily be careful with my existence either.
I had to admit to myself that a part of me still loved Jill, and it pained me so much to accept that
when all I wanted to do was forget that she ever existed. I felt like my days were coming to a close,
that my end was inevitable and near. I didn't want to fight it or try to save myself because life lost
it's value to me. That's why I drank excessively and drove like I was invincible, took in a girlfriend
that I knew was wrong for me and cheated with Samantha. If my death was in fact coming, I wanted
to at least die enjoying myself, stealing whatever form of happiness I could get back.
Sometimes I wondered if I was meant to die in that horrific car crash when I was a teenager and
yet again a few nights ago, but I somehow cheated death and these second chances at life come with
a heavy price. I thought I should at least be thankful for all the additional years and experiences that
came after.
I thought I was scraping by on the rock bottom all these months, hiding from my emotion,
dissatisfaction, and agony on the inside of a bottle. But little did I know, was that there was
something even deeper than rock bottom and I was about to fall into it's great divide.
My phone had been ringing non-stop. Even Jill left me a message; she told me she was only
calling because Jessica asked her to. Jessica was so worried about me that she was even turning to
my enemies for help.
Alexa would bang on the door every few hours. She was begging me to get a hold of myself and
drive her back home. Since Summer totaled the car and she was arrested for impaired driving, Alexa
didn't have a way back to the US. Rick, I had no clue where he was.
I'd been locked inside my bathroom for close to twenty-four hours. Hadn't eaten, hadn't slept, just
going insane with a bottle and a seemingly endless supply of painkillers.
Car crashes fucked with my head. Being in one when I was a teenager traumatized me; being in
another one and watching Summer get taken away by police fucked me up. There was a baby and
her mother in the car that we spun into. I wasn't driving; I wasn't responsible for the accident, but

knowing that I was driving just like Summer, being just as irresponsible as my friends made me feel
guilty.
I didn't who I was. I didn't think I was a good person anymore. All that was once great was no
longer. I didn't know how to fight for something, how to act like a normal human being, or how to
feel good about myself again.
After puking my guts out, and deciding I wasn't going lodge a bullet into my skull, I came out of
the bathroom. I wobbled straight to the phone and called Jill back in tears, telling her what I'd been
doing for the last twenty-four hours.
You should've pulled the trigger. It would've been nice to know that you're not in the world
anymore, she told me.
You're fucking sick, you know that.
You're the one who sounds mentally ill.
I loved you. I would've done anything for you. You killed our daughter and I was still willing to
fight for you. And you want me dead? You're too conceited to realize that you're legitimately
playing with a life.
I have nothing but hatred for you! You make me fucking...
I hung up and fell into my couch as a sobbing mess. I was in Hell; this was Hell and I couldn't
see a way out.
When Alexa realized that I was out of the washroom, she took the gun and hid it on me. Smart
girl. Jordan...I'll give you money. I'll do whatever you want. Can you please just take me home? I
tried calling family and friends; no one can get me. I'm going to lose my job.
Time...give me time...need.. I mumbled senselessly.
Alexa gave up on me and she left the house. I found my strength quickly when she came back,
inviting random guys she met into my house. They came into my house acting like they owned the
place. Alexa offered them food from my fridge and helped herself to the contents of my liquor
cabinet. Oh no! Not my precious alcohol!
This one asshole with curly hair sat down on my couch, cracked open one of my beers and
cocked his shoes up on my coffee table. We'll call him Curly.
GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE! I screamed.
He jumped up quickly. He was taller than me, staring down at me like I was a lesser man.
A bald friend of his ran into the room and pulled Curly away from me.
Is this your house? the bald stranger asked respectfully.
Yes, it is.
We're sorry. We didn't know. Alexa invited us; she said it was okay.
She's American and a guest in MY house!
Curly stepped up and got in my face again. I don't like the way you're talking to us, small guy.
Hey! Baldy exclaimed to Curly. You just got out. You want to go back to jail. You hit him and
you go back for two years.

It'll be worth it, Curly replied.

I smirked sarcastically. I got a pathetic convict in my house? Go ahead, hit me! I'd love to put
you back where you belong.
Oh, don't fucking tempt me!
Hold that thought. I told him as I went to my upper floor, dialed 911 on my cell, told the police
that I had unwanted trespassers in my house and that they were threatening me in an agressive
manner.
It was satisfying to see the police actually aid me for once. They escorted the intruders out of my
home, but when I said I wanted to press charges, Alexa claimed a far-fetched story that I told her
she was allowed to bring them there to get a party started. She proceeded to tell them that I was the
one initiating the threats and being agressive.
Maybe I was. Maybe I was just losing my mind. Maybe any person would lose it when they
witnessed strangers coming into their home and helping themselves to your things.
I called blasphemy, but the police were unable to press charges with Alexa's cooperation with my
opposed.
It was cute when Alexa tried to follow me back into my house after the dilema, claiming that she
only did it because I was practically a ghost in my own home and that she needed to find people
who might drive her home.
She stormed off my doorstep swearing I'd regret what I did to her.
I laughed at her hysterically. I actually felt good in some crazy, strange way. Give me something
to fight for, give me a challenge, an obstacle to overcome that doesn't seem so eternally permanent
and I suddenly find purpose. Defensive instinct reawakended me; defense over my own property
and respect.
Alexa wasn't full of bullshit when she said I'd regret what I did to her. However her perspective
had a much different meaning than mine.
In the exact same way that the police came to arrest me for non-existent crimes against Jill, the
police came to arrest me for non-existant crimes against Alexa.
The two officers escorted me to the back of their truck, looked up my file and learned that I was
on bail and that one of my conditions was that I couldn't drink alcohol. The officer pulled a case out
and removed a device from it. The officer instructed me to blow onto the device as hard as I could. I
registered a fail into the machine. He told me he was going to release me with a promise to appear
in court for breaching my no alcohol condition. I also had to sign papers acknowledging that my
license was going to be suspended for ninety days and my vehicle was going to be impounded
because Alexa claimed that I was driving drunk and that I had cocaine in my car. The officers
searched my car and discovered traces of the white powder. I immediately checked my coat pockets
to find my car keys were in fact absent.
I kindly asked the officers if they could let me step out of the vehicle to have a cigarette. They
allowed it and I inhaled every puff of it as deeply as I could as I watched my car get hooked up to a
tow truck before being pulled away. I started thinking about how I didn't stand a chance in court
anymore with my breach, how Alexa fucked me, how I lost my ability to drive, and the thousands of
dollars in fines and vehicle impound fees. I felt more hopeless than I ever had.

When I finished my cigarette, I received the strangest text from Rick.

"So you beat Alexa? Really? All the marks and bruises on her body show that you have, good job
on that. She's talking to the police right now."
"Jordan Gardiner," the officer said as he stepped out of his vehicle. "you're under arrest for two
counts of assault on Alexa Setzer."

Chapter 7
Purgatory

When I was sitting in the jail cell, I couldn't stop myself from hyper ventilating, it exhausted me
and I was having difficulty breathing. I held the small blanket in my hands that the officer gave me
and looked at the ceiling where a grate covered a ventilation duct. I thought about weaving the
blanket through the holes in the grate and hanging myself. It really didn't look that hard. Instead, I
rolled over and went to sleep.
Then I woke up to the officer opening the cell door. "You have a phone call," he told me before
guiding me into another room with a phone off the receiver. He shut the thick metal door behind me
and I picked up the phone. It was my lawyer.
"Jordan, you've got two options: tomorrow you can either decide to have a bail hearing and have
a trial set for next month or you can stay detained for three days and get a trial in Calgary where
legal aid is available to represent you. I recommend you stick it out so you can have representation
whereas if you request a bail hearing, you'll have to represent yourself. And whatever you do, don't
answer any questions the police ask you. Good luck."
And that was that.
I thought I was only being detained for the night until things got sorted out. I had no idea what I
was really facing. I needed to get out of that cell so I requested a bail hearing to fight for my
release.
I would have to wait until the morning.
The room was hell to me. I had started going through withdrawals while I was in there and
started hyperventilating again and had the shakes. I had nothing but a styrofoam cup for water and a
small blanket that didn't even cover my whole body. The room was freezing and I couldn't keep
myself warm and got to sleep on concrete.
I knew I didn't deserve this. I wondered what was going on outside the cell, I didn't understand
how or why Alexa did this me. I was perplexed and felt like an animal inside a cage.
I waited and waited for my bail hearing, but it never seemed to come. I asked the officer outside
my cage what time it was mulitple times: 2:00 p.m, 4:00 p.m, 8:00 p.m, midnight, but my bail
hearing never came. So I went to sleep, dreaming in my limbo. I could consciously wake myself up
but I knew where I really was and wanted to stay asleep. I dreamt that I escaped my cell and I was
enjoying freedom, enjoying the warm sun on my face, and enjoying a life without pain.
In the morning, an officer finally pulled me out of the cell for a teleconference hearing with a
judical case manager. I immediately requested a bail hearing even though my lawyer advised me not
to.
The officer pleaded a case. Jordan Gardiner has been accused for abusing a woman and was

released on bail. He has again been charged for abusing another girl from the United States, in
which she claimed he had been keeping cocaine in his car. When we searched the vehicle, we did
find traces of the drug in his car. He was also on a no-alcohol condition and we found him
intoxicated at the time of arrest. The RCMP are recommending that he be detained until October
until he can be present for his trials. We believe that if he is granted release, he will commit more
offenses.
It was still early July and they wanted to keep me detained until late October. I was baffled that I
could spend three-four months in prison without a conviction or any evidence presented against me.
Very well, the judical case manager concluded. He will be detained until next week where he
will be transported to the Edmonton courthouse to recieve a hearing.
Hold on, I blurted out in disbelief, don't I get to give my side of the story?
Very well, let's hear it, the judge on the other end of the line replied.
I spilled everything! Breaking into the school in the United States, how Summer and Alexa came
back to Canada with me, the car accident, how Alexa invited criminals into my home, and how I
didn't have posession of my keys after learning a drug was discovered in my car. I admitted to selfmedicating with alcohol, to every wrongful act I'd done, and that yes I did violate my bail
conditions, but I was a non-violent individual.
The judical case manager changed his position and granted me an earlier hearing in Calgary in
three days so that I didn't have to be locked up for as long. The officer in the room also changed her
attitude. She said it was a good thing I spoke up and that there was honesty in my voice, which was
apparently a rare thing in her observation of criminals. She told me that I was either an amazing liar
or that I was innocent. Over the following days I spent in solitary, she acquired cigerettes from other
co-workers and let me out of my cell to smoke them.
She only let me inside the vehicle bay. I still couldn't see my precious daylight but to even get
out of the cell was a blessing.
Thank you, I told her with appreciative eyes. I know you didn't have to do this. I can't tell you
how much this means to me.
Every breath of the cigerette was like puffing on magical unicorn dust. Inhaling a cigerette was
the equivalent to winning to the lottery for me.
I have good news for you, the female officer told me, Alexa recanted her accusations. She
admitted that she lied to us and refused to give us another statement. When someone takes back
their accusation and refuses to give another statement, the reverse onus is taken off you.
A reverse onus meant that I would have to prove my innocence to be released. Now that the
reverse onus was taken off me, the crown counsel would have to prove my guilt beyond a
reasonable doubt. So I didn't have to fight for my innocence; the crown had to fight for my guilt
instead.
For the next three days, all I did was stare at four walls and sleep. It felt like three weeks in
solitary and I had no concept of time. I usually woke up not knowing how long I was out for,
thinking it was 11:00 p.m at night. When I asked an officer when he came to give me food, it was
only 3:00 p.m.
You don't realize just how beautiful the sun can be when you've been locked in a room for so

long. To breathe fresh air, feel natural warmth, see a lush green tree or the thin blades of grass was
now a luxury. I would've done anything to hug a beach, lay in some grass, dive into a lake. To
envision the sky again seemed like an immaculate paradise.
I wished that I had been put in a cell with another criminal; I didn't care if he was a murder or
rapist. I felt like I was going insane in solitary. I thought I was going insane in my townhouse in my
bathroom for twenty-four hours, but being a jail cell completely sober and nothing at all but hopeful
dreams and wishes to see the outside again was eye-opening.
My own personal hell started to feel like a blessing. Drugs, alcohol, near-death experiences were
a stimulation that now felt alien.
After my remaining days of detainment before trial, two sheriff's arrived at the police station, let
me out of my cell and shackled my hands and legs before they led me into a truck. Inside was a
plexiglass compartment that I had the pleasure of sitting in for the three-hour drive to Calgary.
My police escort arrived at the Calgary courthouse. Upon arrival, I was put into a room to speak
with a lawyer who was going to represent me. I had to speak to him through a telephone and we
were separated by a plexi-glass window. The lawyer wasn't very confident that he could get me
released. He explained to me that I was probably going to end up in the nearest Remand Center, a
prison where there was a stabbing every week, for several months until my trials with Jill and Alexa
were over. The lawyer told me he'd dealt in criminal law, he'd been representing criminals for over
thirty years and he knows a criminal when he sees one. He told me I wasn't a criminal and I didn't
belong in prison, but if I ended up there I could very well become one by the time I got out. For that
very reason, he was going to fight to get me released.
I still couldn't believe that I was on the verge of being sent to a real and legitmate prison without
a conviction or any evidence presented against me. This was the real deal. I thought a week in the
RCMP station was bad, but four months with all the hardened criminals in the province; I didn't
know if I'd survive. A part of me didn't even care if I went to prison or not; I didn't see much of a
life for myself either way. If I was released, what on earth would I do with my freedom and life?
Kill myself? Continue feeding my addictions? Lock myself in my bathroom for days with a
firearm?
As I was asking myself all these questions, something happened that I never thought would.
Jill walked into the room, waiting on the other side of the plexiglass window.
I picked up the phone again. Why are you here? I asked, my voice filled with hatred.
I didn't think you'd go down this hard. I thought you were stronger. I thought you'd get over me
and live a better life, Jill explained.
This has nothing to do with you anymore.
Yes it does. This all started because of me. If I didn't have you charged in the first place, you
wouldn't be in this mess. I never wanted this for you.
Can you even comprehend the reactions of your decisions? You're not even sorry for what
you've done. Not truly. This example can't top an imagination of what I went through: the person
you loved started lying to you, murdered your child, started fucking another person with only the
excuse that they didn't feel that way about you anymore. Then because you still loved them and
asked for a second chance, just to see if it was what they really wanted, you got arrested and

limitations put on your life. Because alcohol was the only coping tool you had, you were detained in
a jail cell for almost a week, left cold, hungry, going through withdrawals, and nothing but onehundred and forty-four hours of staring at walls, wondering why you were suffering so much for
things you didn't do. And now, wondering if you have to spend the next several months in prison
until your trials are over, because apparently you're a danger to the public. When you curl up into a
ball screaming and crying for god or the devil to either save you or kill you, wondering how you
can barely put one foot in front of the other....when you know what that is like, when you
understand that you were the one to initially inflict it, and you can apologize and understand that
you destroyed a man; then one day I may be able to forgive you.
You're being over-dramatic.
You primitive little girl...
I thought you might have learned your lesson, but you didn't.
Jill hung up the phone and walked out.
YOU'RE DEAD TO ME, JILL! I HOLD YOU RESPONSIBLE, YOU HEAR ME! YOU'RE
RESPONSIBLE FOR ALL THIS!
I burst into tears. I wasn't trying to attack Jill. I was already starting to accept the fact that she
was fucking another man. I just wanted her to understand. I wanted her to tell me she was sorry and
really mean it. I had never experienced something so brutal; something to make you feel like death
was better than another second of that kind of suffering. A real, informed apology was all that I
wanted and Jill refused to give it to me. She still treated me like a monster. I WAS a monster. But
not the monster I was being charged for; not the monster I inflicited my own suffering with.
I was angry, sad, and hopeless.
The sheriff's put me in another solitary room for three hours.
Finally, I was escorted into the court room for my defense against non-existence crimes. All this
legal language and recitements of sections and acts flew back and forth between parties. I didn't
understand what was going on, if I was winning or losing, or if I was even going to be
acknowledged. I finally heard some insight on what I did know and understand. Alexa recanted her
accusations against me and requested that I not be charged but it wasn't in her control anymore and
crown proceeded with the charges.
The judge told me she was going to release me, but on very strict conditions. She gave me a 6:00
p.m curfew, I couldn't posess a firearm, I couldn't possess a knife except for the purpose of eating
food, I couldn't directly or indirectly be in contact with Alexa, Summer, Rick, Jill, or Paige. I had to
absolutely abstain from alcohol and any drugs that weren't prescribed to me by a doctor. I couldn't
legally change my name, my address, and I had to report to a bail officer once a week. If I broke
any of these conditions and was even suspected that I might break one of them, I would be subject
to serving two years in prison.
I already felt like I was on house arrest. The first thing I did when I got released was go to the
nearest gas station, buy a pack of cigarettes and smoked half the pack in one sitting. Then I went to
the nearest liqour store to buy a bottle of vodka. But I remembered that the police took my drivers
license so I had no photo ID.
I almost felt sick seeing cars driving around on the street, hearing all the noises of the city, and

having a tourist ask me for directions. After being isolated for so many days, it was too much
stimulation for me.
I checked my phone which was filled with text messages and missed phone calls. Word got
around about what was happening to me. It almost brought tears to my eyes to see how much
people actually cared, especially all the people that I thought didn't.
Even friends in gangs, the big, tough, and badass guys you never expected to show emotion had
sent me stories of how I changed their lives and sent me survival tactics for prison.
I went back to Edmonton and paid out a penalty to break my rent lease early. I liquified
everything I had. High-end electronics, expensive furniture, everything I had spent the last few
years paying for to call my place a home with Jill was being loaded onto trucks.
I called my bail officer and asked if I was allowed to travel. She told me that it was fine as long
as I abided by my conditions in other cities; so I went to the bus station and bought a one-way ticket
to Vancouver.
I needed to get out of Alberta. I needed a retreat, a familiar place, and familiar faces.
Jessica always left me in awe, she was smart, she was an intellectual, and she was experienced in
life like me. She knew what she was talking about so I put great value on her opinions and advice;
her words meant more to me than others who didn't quite understand and see the world like we did.
I had scared the shit out of Jessica. I managed to get one text message out to her saying my
goodbye just before I was detained. She was incredibly worried for me and searched Facebook for
answers. She looked at some of Jill's statuses and knew something big went down. She was flooded
with relief when I contacted her letting her know that I was okay. Physically at least.
"Even though it seems like life is beating the hell out of you," Jessica said to me, "I know you'll
take good out of it. If this kind of stuff didn't happen to you and you lived an average life, you
wouldn't have so many interesting things to say and write about. It's just the way you are;
everything about you is so full of energy. Life will bore you without events of this magnitude. You
are too experienced to let this society destroy you."
Jessica's words gave me inspiration. Finally, I was ready to listen. The ordeal I had experienced
could've gone the other way, but instead, I was a free man. I could pursue what I wanted; do what I
wanted. Just like my car crash when I was a teenager, I could look at this as another chance; a
chance to do real things in the world.
I had a long fight ahead of me and a lot of rebuilding to do. I knew that I would push closer and
closer to the victory line because I was Jordan Gardiner; it was who I was and what I did.
Before going to bed that night, Rick texted me to let me know that Alexa was in a US hospital.
She slashed both her wrists open because she felt guilty for lying to the police and putting me
through what she did. She was found bleeding out in her backyard in Couer d'Alene. She wanted
Rick to tell me that she still cared about me.
I never replied.

Chapter 8
A Career In Dreams or A Career In Drugs

I caught up with my old friend, Kevin Paynter, whom I met during many acting productions in
the Kootenays of British Columbia. Kevin was one of the most talented and outgoing actors I knew.
He knew the film industry, and could do the most realistic impressions of famous celebrities.
Kevin had an unparalleled vocabulary; he spoke in refined statements and used old fashioned
words. In fact, everything about him was old-fashioned. He breathed class and endorsed what men
used to be. Kevin believed in well-tailored suits, cigars, American cars, mannerisms, opening the
door for the girl; not showing off bulging muscles, flashing cash around, and acting like a hot-shot.
Kevin was one of the final breeds of gentleman.
Kevin was living in a high rise at the edge of New Westminster; he gave me a tour of his very
accomodating complex before inviting me into his suite on the twenty-third floor. He mixed up a
few drinks and informed me about what he was doing in his life. Kevin had been breaking into the
entertainment industry notably fast. Kevin lived in New Westminster for only a year and he had
landed the role of a background performer in several dozen productions. Kevin landed parts in
Supernatural, and met actors like Christopher Walken, Jack Nicholson, Jack Black, and Jensen
Ackles. He helped his sister land a spot in the wedding scene of Twilight: Breaking Dawn: Part
One.
I was happy for him. He was achieving the dream I'd always wanted for myself.
The conversation took a turn when he asked me if I was still serious about breaking into the film
industry. Kevin had connections; good ones, and he was willing to set me up with them. It was after
an hour of conversation and a cigar that I realized I needed to just pick a direction and put myself
into full throttle.
Jill and my life in Edmonton weighed me down; I couldn't find the time or the energy to pursue
something better. I tried to replace Jill with Alexa, but that was the stupidest thing I could've done,
because not only did she land me in more legal trouble, the last thing I needed was a serious
relationship. After Jill, I never realized it, but I was free, and then I tried to give my freedom away
so hastily. After my legal problems were over, I wouldn't have anything to weigh me down and it
would be the perfect moment to pursue my original dream.
Kevin was an intellectual much like myself. He understood things that most of society was blind
to, and he knew I was in the rut. He offered me not only the guidance I needed, but a key to the
resources it took to get where I wanted.
After the rendezvous with Kevin, I had one more contact to see. My old friend, Grath was a drug
dealer. I confided in him about my legal problems and he told me their was someone who could
help. He put me in contact with an Italian named John, whose father was a member of the North

American Mafia.
I went to the address provided to me. John answered the door, invited me in, and offered me a
drink. He was a short guy with long, black, greasy hair.
We bullshitted and engaged in small talk for a bit, then he got straight to business.
"Before I begin talking," he said in his thick Italian accent, "we're not here, and this conversation
isn't happening."
"Understood," I replied.
"I'm going to start you off small, nothing dangerous. It's going to be easy, low-risk money. I'll get
you transporting weed and once you prove that you can manage that, I'll bring you up to ecstasy and
coke. Don't steal from us or you're going to put yourself in a bad spot. If a drop off or deal goes bad
and you come back without the money and without the product, come to us and just be honest. We
will deal with it. Knowing who to trust is just as important as making the profit
You guys don't have an initiation process? I asked, unsure of myself.
"We're not savages, you don't have to get a tattoo or kill someone. When you want out, just say
you're out. We're not going to hold you to this life. But trust me, man, it's hard to leave. You get
addicted to the lifestyle. You get addicted to the money."
"I can imagine, I smirked at the thought.
"You need to be very careful, almost paranoid. Only deal with the people we tell you to. If we
send you with product and someone says he's picking it up for him, you refuse and only put it in the
hands of who we tell you to. Bring someone with you, pay him some of your cut. A big guy
preferably, someone who knows how to fight. Having a partner like that makes people think twice
about double-crossing you. Be careful about police too. I was on a run with my boy just a couple
weeks ago and we noticed an undercover cop sitting outside the house. Our customer was under
surveillance so we left and stopped selling to him. It was a sketchy situation. If anything does
happen and you get arrested and have to go to court. Do not say anything. We will take care of you.
We'll pay for your lawyers and we'll get you out. If you end up doing time, we will compensate you.
We will give you money and a new life when you're out. Just whatever you do, you cannot talk, no
matter what. We have ways of getting to you even behind bars.
I wasn't thinking about much other than the money. I wasn't thinking about police, charges, and
doing hard time. I was broken; I lost my whole life and I was so desperate to find better
circumstances. I saw this as the fast-track to success. If I was careful, if I didn't get caught, I'd have
the money and resources to build whatever life I wanted. It was a gamble but I didn't think much of
my freedom and thought I had nothing to lose.
"Don't use your own phone. Stay off the internet. Actually," John continued as he pulled five new
iPhones out of his jacket. "I have one for you. It's unlocked. Use this phone for work and nothing
else."
Hold onto it for now. This is an attractive offer that I appreciate greatly, but it's something I'm
going to have to think about it.
Of course, man. There's no pressure and this line of work isn't for everyone.
We continued talking about the job for a good hour. I learned how the entire world of drug

trafficking operated and how to protect yourself from the authorities on an extreme scale. If I
accepted the offer, I would be moving extensive amounts of illegal substances from point A to point
B.
***
I shamefully found myself in a bar drinking my money away and debating the offer. Was I really
cut out for the criminal life? Was it worth risking the chance of getting murdered or doing hard time
in a remand center.
Before anything, I had to get control of my liqour intake; I knew my life was going to only get
worse if I couldn't do that. Alcoholism was my greatest vice.
When you lose all control of your life, it hurdles into disorder and chaos. Entropy is the lack of
everything good. It's the absence of control, order, trust, respect, and absolution.
An idea came to me. I remembered that my deceased grandparents had property on an small,
isolated island off the shores of Vancouver Island. I checked my bank account and had a few
thousand dollars left. I wired the remains to my parents and told them not to deposit that money
back to me for one month.
I left myself with just enough money to cover the ferry costs to get to the island. I wouldn't have
access to alcohol, cigarettes, internet, and it was even too far from any cell phone tower. I wouldn't
be able to get off the island until my parents transferred my funds back to me.
I was going to exile myself out there until I dried out.

Chapter 8
Exile

When I arrived on the island with a population of only a few hundred, I was completely cut off
from alcohol, cigarettes, and any other from of addiction I had. I had no cell service and no internet.
I was completely disconnected from the world, purposely leaving myself stranded without any way
to leave until my four weeks of solitude were up. It was the only way because I knew I wouldn't be
able to stop myself when I had all the access and resources to keep feeding my horrible habits.
I was shocked to find how run down my grandparents home had become. I spent a week ripping
most of the rotting wood from the house and replaced it. I cut away overgrown vegetation, repainted
the home and brought it back to a maintained condition.
I hadn't realized just how addicted I was to my substances until I gave my body a moment to be
free of them. I started to get the shakes and was having small fits because my body was telling me it
needed alcohol and it needed nicotine. I wanted to get off that god-forsaken rock and give my body
what it so desperately craved, but I couldn't. I was stuck there and had no choice but to wait it out.
I often went outside and sat at the edge of the cliff side that dropped off into the abyss of the
ocean. It was so peaceful and quiet. Staring out at the water soothed me and the island became
nothing less than a paradise to me.
Some mornings when the tide was out, I climbed down the jagged cliff side and explored caves
underneath the island that were often submerged.
A lot of my stress from the outside world evaporated and I mostly found myself in boredom
without drama and issues concaving on my life.
I started going through my grandfathers boxes of belongings. I found all the pictures he kept of
himself when he was young and fighting in World War II. I encased all his medals and read the
journals of his accounts flying in a Lancaster being the rear gunner of the aircraft. I was in awe over
all the times he was nearly shot out of the sky.
There was an account that dated back to 1944 and it was vivid. He was in the Lancaster aside a
fleet of bombers flying over a German city. Tracers shots flew into the sky and anti aircraft guns
began firing shells into the air. My grandfather witnessed three other planes get shot out of the sky
next to the aircraft he manned. He ran to the cockpit and told the pilot that he had to do something
or they were next. The pilot listened to my grandfathers advice and maneuverd into a nose dive
evading all kinds of projectiles. My grandfathers action probably saved all their lives.
I sat in tears while reading all kinds of experiences he had in the war. Then I found pictures of
my grandmother and remembered how much of a good man he was and how chivalrous he treated
her. To me, my grandfather was a hero and I wished I had gotten to know him better.
After two weeks, most of the cravings were gone. My mental capacity had expanded vastly. I
could recall memories and think so much more efficiently when I wasn't constantly drowning my

brain cells in alcohol.

I continued going through my grandparents boxes in the cellar finding keepsakes with so many
memories and stories behind them and then I found the most horrifying collection of items possible.
There was an old chest filled with aged whiskeys, scotch and wines. I picked up a bottle of whiskey
and stared at it contemplating the decision. Alcoholism controlled my life for so many years and I
knew that all it would take was one drink and I would be back in the hole. I popped it open and
smelt the intoxicating aroma. I wanted it more than anything. I dropped the bottle, walked out of the
cellar, burst out the front door of the house and into the yard. I had an anxiety attack and started
kicking debris in the trees and punching the side of the house. I was so close to indulging my
addiction again, it was taking every ounce of willpower that I had left. Just smelling the whiskey
was so intoxicating to me. Just knowing that it was there; it was scratching at the inside of my skull,
calling me. I couldn't take it anymore.
***
I woke up staring into the bright sky and looking upward at tree tops. When I got a better sense
of what happened, I looked at myself. I had only one shoe on and was covered in scratches, bruises,
and mud. No..." I said aloud, breaking into tears. I got up, looked around, and had no idea where I
was. I was deep in the woods, wondering which direction my grandparents house was. Luckily, I
did know how to track.
I tracked myself through the woods, partially remembering the journey I made throughout the
night. I spotted six separate places where I fell. I finally found my missing shoe laying beside a
fallen tree that I tripped over.
I came out to a meadow, seeing a long path cut across to the cliff side. My heart dropped when I
seen a half-empty bottle laying on a ledge below the cliff''s drop. I had been climbing along the cliff
side so drunk that I couldn't remember it. It was a miracle that I didn't fall to my death.
The tide had risen and I couldn't access the way I came until the tide was down. I explored the
area, looking for an alternate way to get back, but I couldn't find a viable route. So I sat by the cliff
side waiting for the tide to take its leave.
I sat on the cliffside, disapointed, beating the hell out of my self worth. I turned around and
started ripping tall grass from their roots. "Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! What is wrong with me? Why can't I
stop drinking? Why can't I fucking stop drinking?" I finished and fell to my knees. I clawed my
fingers into some soil, raised my arm, and let the dirt sift between my fingers.
The tide finally descended. I climbed down the cliff, looked at the bottle that was sticking off a
nudge in its side and noticed that I didn't even drink that much. My tolerance dramatically dropped
after going cold turkey for a few weeks.
Still hungover, dehydrated, I wasn't really at my best ability; physically or mentally. My muscles
got weak as I was climbing down the cliff and I lost my grip. I plummetted off the edge to imminent
death. In a moment of pure adrenaline, I threw my hands into the cliff side and extended my nails
trying to cling onto anything I could. I managed to grab onto something and avoided impact. I
couldn't climb back up, the only way I could go was down. I looked below me. The rest of the fall
didn't appear to be lethal, but it was still going to hurt. I let go and fell into the rocks below me. I

landed sideways on my ankle and collapsed in between two large rocks.

My hands had more raw flesh than actual skin on them and three of my nails were torn right out.
I stared into the sky for almost an hour, in shock, watching the sun go down. I was out there all
alone, knowing that their wouldn't be any help to come. I continuously looked at my cell phone
thinking that if I kept looking at it reception might magically appear.
I moved slowly, hoping not to find anything broken. My ankle seemed to have only been
severely sprained. I got up, managed to hop to piece of drift wood, using it as a walking stick.
The sun had completely gone down leaving me in plitch blackness. The moon was in the sky, but
it didn't provide enough light to see the crevices in the rocks. Using my cell phone for light in the
pitch black, I managed to navigate to where the cliff merged with an incline.
I eventually made it back to the house and collapsed in the doorway. I slept for several hours and
then picked myself up to head toward the bathroom. I ransacked the medicine cabinet looking for
medical supplies, disinfecting my cuts, bandaging my ankle, and wrapping my fingers up with
nearly a whole box of band-aids.
For days, I stayed inside the house. I was too scared to enter the cellar and look at the chest filled
with several more bottles. It felt like I was alone in the house with a demon, feeling so much bad
energy being so close it.
When I had the strength, I went back into the cellar and pulled the chest out of the house. I
dragged it onto the edge of the cliff. I picked up the first bottle of whiskey and looked at it for a
moment before throwing back my arm and whipping it off the cliff. I reached into the chest for
another bottle and threw it into the ocean. Again and again, one by one, I threw aged liqours into the
ocean until the chest wasn't as heavy. I adjusted the chest in the perfect angle for a foot to displace
it. I kicked the entire chest into the ocean with as much force as I had.
"I beat you...I fucking beat you," I said to myself. "I will never let you destroy my life again."
I gave into my addiction and it nearly killed me.
***
After the final week, my money finally came in and I was ready to leave the island a new man. I
felt renewed and knew that the island had probably saved my life. Through the sobriety and
discipline, something happened to me, something that I never thought would. All my anger, resent,
and hatred seemed to be absent. I had collected negative emotion as my past became more
abundant, but it was gone. I forgave everyone for the wrong they'd done by me and my former
experiences felt insignificant. The events of my past made me into the man I was, and he was far
from the best he could be because he was unable to let go, forgive, and move on.
For the first time, I accepted my reality and the world. I should've been using my valuable
energy, time, and resources building for the future instead of trying to rebuild the past and
correcting it's mistakes.
I let my hell and less than fortunate experiences destroy my character and life. But I realized that
I could be thankful for those experiences because they strengthened me, opened my horizons, made

me more competent, knowledgeable, and, ultimately, better. The journey was more important than
its end result.
It's when you've lost everything that you realize life is beautiful. When you've become stripped
of everything; money, companionship, dreams and goals, you can see this blue marble for the everevolving orgasm it is, free to change and adapt as it sees fit.
The island became a rebirth for me. This was where I would mark the end of my old life and
thrive in a new one. Control through psychology, loyalty through companionship, wealth through
the franchised. These ideations of mine were flawed from the beginning. I couldn't control my
future or even my present circumstances. I somehow grew up becoming afraid of things I couldn't
manipulate. If I saw something that I couldn't maneuver, I didn't trust it. I trusted what I had power
over, I trusted what I could predict. Without that, I was scared.

Chapter 9
Absolution
I returned to Vancouver and through my network I landed a role in a production entitled Of
Saints And Outlaws. It was set during the French Renaissance. A group of religious conscripts
embark on a journey to hunt down a legendary savage. I play a servant to the arch bishop named
Philippe.

Life can happen in a very peculiar way: unnecessarily slamming doors to open others at precisely
the right time. That's the thing I loved: no matter how much I plan, calculate, predict, expect,
assume, I'm always surprised. Just when I think I've seen it all, watching insanity stuck on replay,
whole new circumstances with the most dreamable opportunities find their way before my grasp.
After my acting role, I stayed on the production as the director's assistant. I gained rapport and a
friendship with the director, who offered me a large supporting role in his second feature that would
shoot in 2014.
During the film, I auditioned for the highest accredited private school in my field of art. This

school had a six month intensive program for the most dedicated actors.
Vancouver Acting School sent me audition sides from Battlestar Galactica, seven crammed pages
of course material, and instructed me to provide five different voice-overs. I had to memorize every
line of the course material and relay it to the admissions director like I was the teacher and he was
the student.
A couple weeks later, I received this:

When my work on the production was concluded, I returned to Edmonton and prepared to stand
my trials against Jill and Alexa. My lawyer told me that the trials were going to be an uphill battle. I
educated myself proficiently and built a staggering case in my defence. I discovered loopholes and
privately investigated by digging up old emails and collecting statements from Jill's friends. I
gathered information and witnesses that could confirm my side of events during the fiasco with
Alexa. By the time I was done, I had a stack of documents that outsized my brief-case.
I set up a meeting with the crown counsel before the trial to make an agreement. I wanted to

wrap both trials up with a peace bond. A peace bond was no admittance of guilt, but an agreement
to conditions that would expire without a record.
Crown refused my proposal and wanted to hand me a criminal record with a one year probation.
That just wasn't acceptable to me. I wondered what crown thought they had on me. In most cases,
these kinds of charges were dropped with so little evidence. They had to have been bluffing.
The day of my first trial, I dressed formal and stormed into the courthouse with confidence. I
dismissed my lawyer for the trial because I felt confident enough to win on my own. I also needed
to get off the three-hundred dollar per hour payments I was making to him.
A few good friends appeared to show their support, however, they were pessimistic about me
coming out of the situation unscathed.
The judge appeared at the stand. I stood up as they declared my charges.
May we have Mr. Gardiner confirm his attendance? asked the crown counsel.
I, Jordan Gardiner, am here and present.
Crown has decided to enter a 'stay of proceedings.' We will not be presenting evidence at this
time.
Very well. The judge responded.
It was done. I won, just like that. I knew crown was bluffing. My friends and I exited the
courtroom and burst into laughter.
I'm almost disappointed that I spent all those countless hours creating the perfect case and I
didn't even get to present it! I howled.
Crown's representative came out of the room and I held back my remaining laughter. A
moment, Mr. Gardiner? he asked.
Very well. I replied as he gestured me to enter a private room.
You came to me with a peace bond proposal. I have a counter-offer for you. If you plea guilty to
the breach of undertaking and uttering death threats, I will pursue only half the conditions for your
probation.
You want me to plea-bargain?
It will make things easier for you. You can get off your more strict bail conditions immediately.
I can make your curfew disappear, waive you of the victim surcharge, but I want you on DNA
testing.
DNA testing. Are you kidding me?
That's the only offer I'm going to make you.
What's the duration of probation you're seeking?
One year.
I knew they had me for the breach, I spent countless nights looking for a defence to the charge,
but it was impossible unless I could fabricate a witness to become my patsy. My highest felony was
drinking alcohol in my own home.
Alexa recanted the assault charges, that's going nowhere. I never uttered any death threats, have

fun collecting proof of that. I will plea guilty for the breach if you cut the probation down to six
months.
I'll let you have a conditional discharge. It won't result in a criminal record.
I sat there for several moments thinking it over. Could I win without the plea-bargain and get a
better deal? It was questionable.
Fine. I agreed unhappily.
The representative nodded. Stick around, I'll see if I can get this before the judge today.
I re-entered the courtroom, plead guilty to the breach of undertaking and made my final
submission.
I do not believe myself to be a bad person or a criminal. I'm non-violent and in my opinion
these charges are the result of ill-conceived choice in companionship. I have brought myself to an
emotional healthy state after the devastation of my previous common-law relationship. I take full
responsibility for breaching my no-alcohol condition. I have had an overwhelming problem with
alcohol, which I have successfully learned to abstain from. I have learned immensely from the legal
fallout of my actions, and only wish to better myself from here on. I wish to have the freedom to go
to school in Vancouver to master my profession and contribute to the public and our society. Thank
you.
The judge looked at me warmingly. He seemed to realize that I was caught in the legal system for
no good reason, getting caught in a disgusting slew of vengeful ex-girlfriends.
When deciding a sentence for your conviction," the judge began, "I have to ask two questions:
is it in your best interest to discharge you? I think yes, you have learned from your experiences and
I believe that you will not repeat your mistakes. Is it in the public's best interest to discharge you? I
think the answer to that question is also yes. You have plans for the future and I do not believe you
to be a danger to the public. I see no reason to give you a criminal record, I'm denying crown's DNA
test application, and I will sentence you to a conditional discharge with only six months probation.
I accepted the fallout of one out of the several charges. To me, this was victory. All my freedoms
were given back to me, my legal headache was over, I could relax and enjoy my life without
restrictions again.
I signed for the legal documents in accordance with my probation and relinquished all my
conditions.
I walked out of the courthouse, feeling the warm sun on my face like it was the first time. It was
the greatest feeling in the world. I could finally put the darkest chapter of my life behind me and
move forward in a new beginning.

Chapter 11
The Last Moment of Entropy

After I had gotten all my glorious liberty out of my system, I got serious about my life in a way I
never was before. I went back to Vancouver, found a high rise apartment with a beautiful view of
the city, and started taking business classes. The men in these classes were already entrepreneurs,
one restoring a castle in Scotland, and another being the man who got straw-bale homes approved in
Canada. I felt awkward in the class because everyone had at least a decade of age on me. No one
understood what a young, inexperienced adolescent was doing taking business workshops.
I seemed to have had it all figured out. Free of legal bindings and addiction, an abundance of
business connections, and a highly ambitious and functioning mind, I was happier then I'd ever been
and I didn't need a girl, money, or fame attain it. I derived it from within.
Even this odd little book called Entropy that I had been writing seemed to have gained some
recognition.
No one who is not an author could imagine the hardship to have a first time book published. The
market was brutal. The chances of the average author making a simple profit, not a living, but a
simple profit were about the same odds as a struggling actor making the big time.
Why did all the careers I loved the most have to be the hardest to earn?
I was a revolutionary among my ancestors; no one from my heritage had ever aimed as high as I

have. If I had chosen a job in medical, law, or engineering, I could've put my heart into the
curriculum and have been promised a bright future. Instead, I chose a field that no matter how much
schooling is acquired, my income, my life, my future was always uncertain. I could either be the
biggest success in my family tree or the largest failure.

I had found a role in another production entitled Christmas Miracle. I was a background
performer, but they got some good close-ups of me in the film.

***
I got up early to take advantage of the gym as usual. I entered the elevator and about halfway
down, a stunning brunette got in. I occasionally glanced at her as we descended, trying to think of
something smart to say. She was a perfect ten, model height, perfect skin, brown eyes. She was like
my perfect type and then some. She caught me looking at her and I let out a nervous, Hi, as my
voice cracked. Did my voice just seriously crack? I thought that was suppose to stop after puberty.
A bead of sweat ran down my neck.
She continued staring forward with a little smirk on her face. She knew I was nervous. I couldn't
remember the last time a girl made me nervous. The elevator hit the main floor and I walked out not
realizing that I got off on the wrong floor. The gym was one floor below. Correcting my mistake, I
took the stairs down into the gym. The brunette was already in there. Of course she'd be going to the
gym too. She looked up and shot me the biggest grin ever because she knew I got nervous and
walked onto the wrong floor.
I shot a humorous smile back. I proceeded with my work out, overly exerting myself using
heavier weights than usual.
During the evening, I dropped in at Kevin's apartment for drinks and good conversation. When
we got into it, he warned me about dating actresses.
It's very cutthroat out here. You can't trust an actress because they, well, know how to act. They
will gain your trust, play you, and then stick a knife in your back.
Bad experience? I asked.
Hardly, he responded, I had a friend who was working on a production. One of the actors
didn't show up, and the production assistant mentioned that he looked similar to their missing
character. He was flirting with an actress on set, and relayed the information back to her. She went
and talked to the director about it, pretty sure she offered him a sexual favor or something, because
suddenly she filled the shoes and they replaced the lines for a female. My friend got screwed over
on that one.
We then proceeded to exchange business proposals. Kevin was an entrepenuer in many respects.
I had two well-planned projects that I wanted to launch with Kevin being my business partner..
Kevin was on board before I even finished my pitch. We had laid the brick to what would be a
rollercoaster of endeavors. We were going to take the city by surprise not let anything stop us.
Kevin and I went on to discuss dual nationalities. I had ancestral benefits that I wanted to take
advantage of. I'm half Russian and intended to get my citizenship. I'm quarter Scottish and can
obtain a five-year work visa within The United Kingdom before being entitled to apply for British
nationality. The last of my ancestry is Native-American which can be used to obtain dual citizenship
between Canada and the United States.
In my opinion, the three most powerful countries outside of my own were the US, UK, and RU. I
had nationality advantages for all of them. I would be a fool to not utilize them.

I arrived at my complex as the night drew near it's end. It started storming with the occasional
flash of lightning. I steep into the elevator. I heard a female voice shout, "Wait!" I held the elevator
open and the brunette gym girl stepped in soaking wet.
Oh hi, she giggled, likely about earlier.
Hi. I said confidently this time. Laughing at me?
What do you mean?
Our interaction earlier.
Yup! That's was so cute, she giggled.
I picked up on the scent of alcohol. She was drinking.
I found it funny myself, my mind wasn't on going to gym. I laughed. I'm Jordan, by the way.
Katherine Zholova, she told me, shaking my hand.
How was your evening?
It was great. I went drinking with some friends. I hardly get to drink with how busy I am.
The elevator reached her floor. She stepped out.
Hey, I need a female opinion on something, I said quickly.
Oh?
I left one foot in the elevator as I stepped out with her for a second.
I was trying on colognes earlier and I need to know which one smells better.
I had two different kinds on each wrist of my shirt. I wanted to keep talking to her, and it was the
only thing I could think of.
She smelt each wrist. I like this one, she told me holding my left arm.
The elevator starting buzzing profusely because I kept it open too long.
Uh, I hope this doesn't seem too forward, but you seem like a really cool girl. Would you like to
grab another drink in my suite?
Okay, she smiled.
I was slightly taken aback by how easily she agreed. She stepped back into the elevator with me,
we made it to my floor and walked into my suite.
Let me guess, modeling?
Acting she smiled. Going to school for it.
"Funny you say that..."

Epilogue

Don't dwell on the past. I focused on rebuilding what I had in the past instead of building for the
future. Many people focus on injustices and regrets from their past that they can barely appreciate
their accomplishments. While you do have to deal with each and every problem in the moment,
when it's over and done with, there is nothing you can do about it anymore. So instead focus on
being great at what you enjoy. That, ultimately, is what you'll be remembered for.
All the friends in the world couldn't fill the void of my loneliness; they can't promise you your
dreams or your happiness. Your dreams and happiness are yours and yours alone to fulfil.
I had been obsessed with filling that bottomless void in myself. I tried to fill it with love; Jordan
Fordyce and the many that came after her. I tried to fill it with my dreams; acting. I tried to fill it
with popularity by learning social techniques and tried to fill it with the satisfaction of having
money and spending it rapidly.
The truth is, we can't depend on other things for our happiness or fulfilment. We can't depend on
other people for an image or for our strength. The true strength that it takes to gain our happiness
comes from our inner selves.
You can never fool yourself into being happy even after all the money you could wish for has
bought all the things you desire. You can never fool yourself when all the dreams you envisioned
have come true but you've realized that life comes with it's own set of more complicated problems.
You can never fool yourself for settling on a girl who is more than good for you, but not the one you
truly love because not love and not happiness can ever be fooled.
So now that I was all alone in the universe, it seemed like there was only one thing left for me to
do; to follow my dreams without holding onto the past or holding onto what could've been. I felt my
destiny had once been written and I was doomed to a life of perdition because I couldn't fulfil what
was written. But now I am a open book and I can now write whatever destiny I choose.

***

I thought that having the perfect woman, wealth in friends, and vast amounts of money would fill
the void of my inner dissatisfaction. It didn't.
I fought relentlessly to attain happiness and bliss; sometimes I did attain it and it was perfect.
Everything felt right, in place, and in order, enduring a sense of symmetry like no other. The
problem was that it only lasted for a moment. I've dedicated years of my life for one very specific

state of being. This silly little thing is everything to us; it's what the world craves, desires, and
works toward.
It's simple chemistry in the brain of every woman, man, and child. Every emotion and feeling
you have ever endured is a product of your body regulating its resources.
Love is a mystery, love is divine, love is meant to be. No; love is science. Love is just a chemical
reaction and it can be manipulated and used. Whenever we're sad or happy, angry or depressed, or
even feeling strong affection toward another, there is no cosmic or meaningful reason behind it. Our
feelings and choices are biology.
Fate, destiny, and the idea that things are meant to be are only rationalizations to make sense of
our shortcomings or luck. The world is random, the world is chaotic, the world is entropy.
I had a huge arguement with an ex-girlfriend. It started because I felt like the universe had a plan
and that us being together wasnt random. She disagreed and it shocked me that she didnt think we
were part of a bigger destiny together.
I used to believe in higher purposes and prophecy stemming mostly from vanity and the idea that
I actually matter in this huge, cold universe; that it knows and gives a shit about who I am. Its
pathetic, but I also like to think its romantic that cosmic recognition would separate me from a
lump of coal.
I never claimed to be pure of heart, not even close. The journey you're about to embark on is
cold, dark, and real. Do happy endings ever exist in true stories? Perhaps. But you don't see what
happens after the credits roll.
Tragedy leads to inspiration: that's what I've always believed. It's the tragedies and the problems
rippling from them that built me into the man I am today. Without tragedy I would have never
obtained any form of success.
Tragedy, pain, sorrow: it lies in all of us, unpreventable and lingering. Without a way to come to
terms with it, we're all forced to bear it in our hearts. How can we really cope? How can I cope
while knowing the girl I was committed and promised to for so many years is seeking pleasure in
other men? She enjoys it; I dread it!
Human nature is a cruel thing. How much of it is really natural though? Endless numbers feel no
guilt in wishing the worst upon the world. They remain giving the best they have knowing it's not
good enough. They work toward being their best and only self to find no reward. With injustice like
this, it's no wonder they become so self-destructive. Their cries for help go ignored as they
drastically take measures out of spite from violent and angry discharges of emotion, or the feelings
of disconnection and detachment from reality. What's usually left is a black hole void of happiness
and self-worth.
Time and time again, I've gained and lost. I've faced and accepted my own death. As a child I
grew up with a corrupted idea of myself, others, and the world. I dreamt about becoming an actor,
because those were the figures being pushed in our face by magazines, television, and cinemas.
I became determined and motivated by the thought of revenge. I wanted to make every scumbag
that ever put me down, humiliated me, and assaulted me in their place. I knew that no matter what
they amounted to, stardom, fame, and fortune were the greatest faucets of superiority.
I've been here before, I've been here more than once. A fraction of my pride, glory, ego, and self-

worth sift back into place; the strongest opponents to my minds current occupants.
I know that if I get up and continue fighting, I will only find a demise in this hole again. Looking
back on myself, I realize that every time I have climbed out of the hole; I reemerge stronger, more
determined, and more successful than I've ever been. Perhaps this curse is my greatest blessing. I
am doomed to return to this hole until it molds me into the best I can be, each and every time
making further strides to success.
I embrace my feelings of pain, because without them I wouldn't strive to become something
more. I wouldn't strive to become my best self and win life's greatest prize: the opportunity to give
the world my greatest and final valediction.

- Entropy -

Acknowledgements

I would like to thank the following people:

Jordan Fordyce for giving me a time and place to begin my story. We may no longer know each
other and may never will again, but thank you for being a great stepping stone and being a force in
my life that redefined me and my goals.
Jill Larsen for being with me and staying loyal to me during our three years. I know I was not an
easy person to live with, but you did your best and I appreciate everything you did for me. You
taught me to accept the flaws in myself and be confident in who I am. Even after the hell and chaos
you put me through, I forgive you.
Paige Larsen for sharing my vision with me and even though we didn't work out, you put your
friendship with me above all else. We experienced life and the world together, and I wouldn't trade
our experiences for anything.
Summer Brown for rekindling and bringing my inspiration back to me, for supporting my work,
and reminding me what it was to feel the most heart warming experiences life has to offer.

Jessica Shaw for recognizing and believing in my vision when no else did. We shared difficult
lives when growing up and have a genuine understanding for each other. You've shown me that I'm
not alone in the journey to success and helped me find the confidence I needed to keep working
towards those dreams. Thank you for supporting me all the way through and showing me faith
when I needed it the most.
Lexi Davie, Veronica Noering, Scott Donnan, Luke Sillito, Briana Forget, Shane Soniq, Marcus
Soosay, Nicholas Dean, for your support and creating many great nights to write about during our
pub crawl era.
Alex Rodass, Celena Jordan, Sarah Somerville, Nicole Kerr, Zachary Ralph, Devon Findlay
Shayla Selvidge, and Ashley Pfieffer for being good friends and creating lots of great experiences
that will have to come in the second book: Entropy, Book II: Pandemonium

Matt Graham, Drew Summersides, Arlin Munro, Meg Blakely, Cindy Nazzari, Mykaila Head,
Justin Robinson, Alex Lyons, Kyle Shea, Mellisa Ferron, and Kevin Paynter, for your
encouragement. It is greatly appreciated and you have my full encouragement in return.
My parents for teaching me values and despite my flaws, showing me love. I blame you for
everything that is wrong with me, but I also thank you for everything that is right.
My high school peers for discouraging me and making me feel alienated; because without you, I
would not have initially found the drive to fight for such high standards of life. Though I do
understand that in high school, it's love and war.
Neil Strauss for being a role model to me. You are truly a unique man and an innovative writer.
Your work has caused me to find the best in myself because without your selfless desire to help the
less fortunate find ways to help themselves, I may not have had the determination to work up to the
completion of this book. Thank you for allowing me to use some of your discoveries and work in
my own and showing faith in me as a writer.
Akshay Gupta, for promoting Entropy in India and helping me push to my deadlines. You've
offered me great encouragement and sound advice. When you arrive in Canada, you will have to
teach me all about circuit racing.
Katerina Denikin for promoting Entropy in Russia, Albrecht Engel for promoting Entropy in
Germany, Veronika Valdhansova for promoting Entropy in the Czech Republic, and Nicklas
McNaught for promoting Entropy in England.

Questions, praise, criticism? You can send them to JGardinerEntropy@live.ca

Entropy II entitled Pandemonium will be out later this year. Featuring getting mugged an
abnormal number of times in Vancouver, being drugged with your friends and waking up in the
hospital with no memory, how to trick blonde Russians into thinking you're a millionaire, a
complete guide to the film industry with personal advice from celebrities, a series of unbelievable
and wild accounts from multiple sets of major films, what it's like to live with a former playboy
bunny, and an alien encounter or something that seemed authentic enough to be one.