"Religions change; beer and wine remain.

" Hervey Allen

$2,422,439.18

VOLUME FOUR

I S S U E 11

0 3 . 1 2 .15

Full-Contact Art
The Mosaics
of Jerimiah Heye
Page 6

Evangelical Stunt Workers to Make Local Rivers Famous | A Farberer St Patrick's Day

P L U S : 7 D AY N E W B R A U N F E L S L I V E M U S I C G U I D E

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Evangelical cash-grabbers
are coming to the rivers to
make sure nobody's having
any fun in ways they don't
like. Because of all the rapes
and deaths and whatnot.

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Art Director Kayla Wallace
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1 WORD
ST

First of all, we want to thank each

of yall that stepped up and
helped us raise the $500 it
took to get hold of the Citys 4-B
and Chamber of Commerce

WITH

because these enterprises are run

MIKE
REYNOLDS

contracts. There were a few

surprise donors in there, tell you
what. Seems weve hit a nerve with
this one. Well have the breakdown of that

very much as personality cults.

Employees are instructed

that their jobs arent jobs at

all,

but

ministries.

Most

of us work for the benefit of

ourselves

and

our

families.

Theres never been a better word

than ministry to get people to place

data over the next couple months. Theres a lot

their families and their own interests beneath

of it to digest, all of it delicious. Now, on to

those of an organization and its management.

this weeks madness

Unless youre an actual clergy-person, when

Carpet bagging,
religious profiteers
to do the bidding of
Can-Ban advocates

Out of state production company to

chronicle rapes and deaths along
rivers for church movie

someone you work for tells you your job is

your ministry, get out. It means they want to
make demands of you in the name of God.
For minimum wage.
As distasteful as I found that world, I went
right back into it in the late 1990s. You know,
to meet girls and whatnot. Still very much a
cesspool of manipulation, personality worship,
and counterfeit virtue, along with enough

133 Landa StreEt

(Across the street from the Landmark)

830.837.5667

Vicodin to kill an elephant (the puritan thing

Jay Hix Jones, a producer on Hoarders

is strictly for show). There were some great

and 1,000 Ways to Die, has, possibly

people who werent Vicodin freaks there too,

intentionally or maybe not, become a high-

but the ratio of good-to-bad was much, much

profile advocate for the people that brought us

lower than youd find in a secular (normal)

the Disposable Container Ban (an appeal of

business. I got back out.

which goes to court immediately after we go

Religious media attracts people looking

to press this week). Its important to note that

for an easy mark, and willing to say or do

Hix Jones doesnt produce documentaries he

whatever it takes to get what they want. And

makes reality television, which is something

why shouldnt they have what they want, even

that looks like documentary but isnt. Which

if its yours at the moment? God wouldnt have

hopefully isnt a surprise to anybody.

put you in their life if it wasnt to get something

Hes also an evangelical Christian now,

What time is it? Seriously. This isn't one of those

cheErleader things where I yelL, "What time is it?"
And then you yelL, "It's wine time!" I'm ok admitTing
that I'm not much of a cheErleader, and I don't know
anyone that wants to seE this body in a cheErleading
outfit. I'm referRing to this time change. It
throws me ofF more every year. The only positive
part of it is that the clock in my car is finalLy
right again. I supPose if you're not as
bitTer as me about the lost hour of sleEp, the
other positive aspect of daylight savings
time is gaining an extra hour of sunlight.
And let's face it, there is no point in
having an extra hour of sunlight at our
disposal if we don't use it wisely. And by
that I mean to drink more wine, obviously. I
might have just changed my whole atTitude
about daylight savings time. In fact, I
could almost do a Longshot cheErleading
routine. But I won't. For your sake.
- Josh McFarling

from you, right?

and has partnered up with Luke Holter,

Its a predatory business, with each level

who markets himself as a prophet, and Billy

of management claiming moral authority over

Dorsey, who works for Joel Osteens mega-

the ones below. Imagine going to work and not

church in Houston. These guys are neck deep

only having to prove yourself competent, but that

in Christian media, which is a thing I know a

Jesus said its ok for you to have a promotion.

thing or two about.

Imagine having your boss tell you he prayed

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about it, and go on to relay a message from the

Yeah, thats right.

When I was 16 years old, I began my radio
career at evangelical blowtorch KYMS in
southern California. Over the next few years,
I got to see exactly what went on behind the
scenes in Christian media. Its safe to say that
when business and religion mix, standard

Lord which says He (Jesus) has plans for you at

your current pay-grade. Good grief, it would be
wrong, disobedient, to promote you.
Yeah. Its that kind of world.
Anyhow, here are the quotes that Hix
Jones provided to local and San Antonio
media regarding this project:

Call Jeff Henry at 210.415.0088

business ethics are discarded. Everybody

is pretending to be something they arent,
TXCITIZEN.COM

"Our remodels
s."
don't look like remodel

Continued on page 5.

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etc the list goes on and on. (Note: Rapes?

Continued from page 3.

Quotes to the Houston-Owned

Herald-Zeitung:
It saddens me. I call it a soul danger zone.
My goal is to get rid of the party, (Note: Hix
Jones likely holds this position because Jesus
never showed up to a party and turned water
[or Himself] into alcohol.)
Well put out a call to all the churches
in the state of Texas and to all Christian
student groups to come join us reaching
out now to every church within a 300-mile
radius and Theyll want to get involved

Deaths? Yall knew about this and didnt tell

me? He says you all knew about it.)
And while there still may be campfires,

carpet bagging.)

baloney. Well let you know.

Heres Your Takeaway

The Presser
Hey. Heres a lil sumpin from the press
release Hix Jones company, Hungry Fish

Per HZ: he said plans are to interview Media, wrote up for the production. These
tubers to learn about the citys river party

are not people that feel bound by the truth

phenomenon and infamous party culture,

(emphasis is ours, punctuation errors are

to film the trios evangelism on the rivers, all theirs):
and to talk to city leaders who arent happy
Every Memorial Day weekend a
with the overturn of the can ban. (Note: floatopia invades the cool waters transforming
City leaders no doubt to include former

Mayor Gale Pospisil, recalled Councilman

the town into one of the most popular summer

tourist destinations in the south; think South

Ken Valentine and former Councilwoman/ Padre, Daytona, and Cancun combined and
Democrat Kathleen Krueger.)
then multiplied by Vegas and Ibiza.
Public intoxication, indecent exposure,

To the San Antonio Express-News:

When you change somebodys life and
lead them to Christ, theyre not going to be
doing beer bongs and bringing stripper poles
on the river, (Note: Whoa. Thats thats
some ignorant stuff right there. First of all,
beer bongs are both pass and illegal in the
city limits, which means the crew will likely
have to bring their own, which we figure at a
50/50 chance of happening. Second, when
has a stripper pole ever been operational on
a river? Oh? Hix Jones just made that up? Ok,
we get it now. #liar)

Evangelicals vs
Mainstream Christians

Wed bet that most of the people on the river

horse shoe games, etc, the cases of rapes, would identify as Christian if asked. But it
violence, indecent exposure, arrests, fights, seems only Evangelicals get involved in media,
accident, etc etc increase ten fold during the and they bring a puritan standard with them
Holiday Weekend. (Note: Oops. Somebodys to prove their superiority, all the while denying
thats the case.. In other words, theyre a better
pants are EN FUEGO.)
So our next order of business is to type of Christian than the average one walking
order the police reports for the last five around the mean streets of New Braunfels. You
can tell from the camera crew and the smug
years and see what we come up with. Im
attitude and the secret drinking and sex they
going to go out on a limb here and guess
think no one has any idea about.
that Hix Jones is completely full of the

with this, because New Braunfels is a place

that needs attention. (Note: This is called

Fun Fact:

fights, drugs, arrests, and even deaths are all

part of the experience. Its one irresponsible
wild ride down this lazy river that seems to
grow in popularity every summer. . FLOAT
follows Jones, Grammy Award Winner
Pastor Billy Dorsey and Best Selling Author
Dr. Luke Holter as they immerse themselves
into the local river party culture.
Together the team investigates how
the river party phenomenon began, so that
they may effectively infiltrate & influence it
using their unique spiritual gifts. Through
a combination of high definition aerial

Now that weve seen how Hix Jones is

portraying our fair city around the state, check
these quotes from Can-Ban pusher Bill Norvell,
as he outlined the Kitchen Cabinets strategy
for destroying local tourism in a letter to his
political cohorts a few years back. Then tell us
Hix Jones isnt working out of their playbook:
Publicity throughout the state is absolutely
necessary. Then, and only then, will the pocket
books of those in town be reduced in size, and
then and only then, will the powers that be start
to do something about it. We were close to this
objective about five years ago, but let up.
Tell the world how bad behavior is in New
Braunfels in the summer months, and couple it
with stories of arrests, knifings, killings, etc.,
and the Yahoos as well as the families will find
other places to go. It must be this combination
of advertising to get this place cleaned up.
The Yahoos must be scared off by news
about law enforcement, arrests, etc. and the
families persuaded not to come because of
the Yahoos.
You know what? This whole thing is probably
all coincidence. Forget we said anything.

You're
Overpaying
for
Insurance
Call Now and Save!

\m/
Mike Reynolds
Publisher/Editor-in-Chief

videography, jay walking interviews, and

reality party coverage, Float takes one

Of course, the really good stuff

came from a Facebook thread
Hix Jones was tagged in, and
commented on, on February 26:

of the most current and fresh looks at

As we all know, there is a party culture on the

Seriously now, shut up. Youre a liar. Shut

evangelism Texas has ever seen.

Wow! Multiply South Padre, Daytona
and Cancun by Vegas and Ibiza? Hungry
Fish Media, its time for you to shut up.

river especially during Memorial Day, and with your lying mouth, liar. And doing all this
this culture brings an increase in fights, arrests, lying in the name of Jesus, too. Fantastic.
rapes, deaths, public intoxication, indecent Yall are a great witness for your faith. Were

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exposure, accidents, trash on the river etc etc sure Hes proud of you.
TXCITIZEN.COM

5th Annual

Hair & Hearts

Presented by: The New Braunfels Blues Society,
Oma Gruenes Secret Garten, and Blinders Hair Salon

Blues FeStival

Saturday, March 21

at Oma Gruenes Secret Garten!

1263 Gruene Road

BBQ & Bands begin at 1pm

Raffle & Silent Auction

existential quality. Art is an existence, a

Certainly before creation, there is an

Kim & Her Bad Habits

The Monty Guitar Tyler Band
All the way from New Orleans,
Gypsy Elise and Her Royal Blues Band

idea, which is ethereal. Ideas exist, but

they are existences that are beyond sensory
perceptions. We cannot see, feel, touch, hear
or taste the idea (although the notion of tasting
an idea is interesting, to say the least. Maybe
it tastes like monkey).
Those sensory perceptions, however, are

Donating hair ?

satisfied once the idea manifests into a physical

Blinders Hair Salon

will be on hand to
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Cash donations
Silent Auction
& Raffle Items

When I was traveling across Europe, I

had seen a number of great and important

pieces of art, but youre always separated
and I couldnt really connect with it, he said.
Having something that you can put your
hands on, to touch, is a completion of a full
experience of enjoying that artwork. To me,
thats the most meaningful part.
Jerimiahs work shows a variety of styles:
Art Nouveau, abstraction, Impressionism
and more. The artist also has an impressive
understanding of his crafts history, as some
of his works show a command of the Eastern
Orthodox iconic style. One of his mosaics,
showing underwater scenes, looks like it came
of the ancient walls of Crete.
Another piece, The Man, appears to
pay homage to the Classical artist El Greco,
whom Jeremiah expressed a fondness for.
The piece shows a man, who is not facing the
viewer, opening his arms to the sky is some
unidentified emotive, but significant moment.
The overwhelming expression lies in the mans
physical form, which is exceptional. Our own
emotive experiences dictate what we think the
Man is expressing.
I leave it open for interpretation,
Jerimiah said. I really wanted to get an overly
expressive feeling out of it just something
that blows up and makes you want to yell.
In his newest work, the artist branches into
a more abstract design, a Folklorico dancer in
an almost Fauvist feast of colors. More than
that, though, she gives an impression of action
as she twirls, her skirt leaving behind a residue
of colorful mixtures. The dancers movement is
further accentuated by a facing piece, which
is a dancer at rest.

physical presence that springs from nothing.

Music by:

Currently Accepting

One of the many reasons I like art is in its

presence existence from nonexistence (ie;

monkey stew from a bad idea).
Yet, the existential quality of art does
not begin and end with the artist. The viewer

BENEFITTING

becomes part of the process as well. The

individual looks at the art, which creates some
type of emotive response within that individual,
reinforcing the certainty of existence. Whether
the art creates in the individual a sense of

The Pink Heart Funds is a group of dedicated

volunteers who support and enhance the lives of
those affected by cancer and other conditions.

beauty, joy, repulsion (especially in the case

of monkey stew) or even apathy, there is
something there and that something is from
where meaning springs.
The relationship between viewer and
what is viewed is complex, relying on way too
many variables to easily break down into a

Sponsered by

tidy package.
With mosaics, that sensory relationship
between viewer and art takes on a different
level of complexity because it is tactile art, art
that we can experience visually and physically.
The biggest problem I have had with painting

If you would like to help, call Tracy at 830.625.1045

www.OMALOVESYOU.com
6

and drawing is that you can never actually touch

the piece, said mosaic artist Jerimiah Heye. You
are always separated from it.

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Full-Contact Art

The Mosaics of Jerimiah Heye

By Nick Rogers
What I set out to do was to fully

The planning and constructing process is

accomplish movement in what you are seeing,

Jerimiah said. I have never seen any mosaic
artist do that.
I put these two ladies facing each other,
one static whose every detail is perfect, who is
facing one who is twisting, he said. You can
see the abstracted colors and their blending,
somewhat exaggerated, which bleeds into the
idea of movement.
Color vibrancy is more than the color of the
tiles in and of themselves, Jerimiah explained.
Really, it isnt necessarily the colors but
the contrasts in those colors, such as placing
blue next to black, he said. It takes just as
long to plan out a piece as it does to physically
make it. This is because I spend a lot of time
making sure the colors are right and that all of
the colors will compare and contrast exactly
how I want them to.
Another interesting facet to Jerimiahs
works is the effort he puts into not just the
subject, but the background as well. Doing so,
he points out, makes the work multi-faceted,
as the backgrounds do in Da Vincis portraits.
I like to add a lot of movement to the
background, he said. Instead of just appreciating
the subject of the piece, the background will add
more meaning to it as time goes on.
As you look at something over and
over again, your observation of that object
matures, the artist said. Thats when you
start to notice things you didnt notice in the
beginning. The background then starts to take
precedence over the subject, and so it gives
me more room to play. I find it makes for
something you can enjoy a lot longer, makes
for something you want to explore even more.

arduous, explained Jerimiah, who also works as

a paramedic in San Antonio. Before any work
is done, he sketches out his plan in exact detail.
Building a mosaic is a pretty laborious
process, he said. I make everything from
scratch. I start with a 25-pound block of clay,
I roll it out, fire it, glaze it to whatever color I
want, re-fire it, then trim and shape it like a big
jigsaw puzzle.
Going from idea to finished product
can take a month, and thats a month at eight
hours a day, the artist explained. Its pretty
involved and there is a lot of trial and error,
and a lot of planning. Theres also the surprise
factor, like when you pull something out of the
kiln and doesnt look like you wanted it to.
Jerimiah has completed a number of
mosaics in his 15 years, including three for
the City of San Antonio. For the Boy Scouts of
America, he did a stunning floor piece of the
groups logo. He says that producing a quality
product is well worth all the hard work.
Its a good feeling when you put
something in that you know is going to last
forever, that it will look the same in 30 years
as it did the day it was put in, he said. I also
take pride in how I install the mosaic because I
want to make sure it will last forever.
You can view photos of Jeremiahs work
or contact him on his Facebook page. If you
wish to see his work up close, you can do so at
Longshot Wine Bar on Landa Street.
And, yes, you are encouraged to touch.
Being able to touch the piece adds
another layer of excitement for the viewer,
he said. With a mosaic, its hard to take the
tactile out of the meaning.

TXCITIZEN.COM

Thanks, Kent.
Thu 3.12
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Scott Boddicker
6pm

Oma Gruenes Secret Garten

The Pour Haus

Phoenix Saloon
Jeffrey Ryan Vaughn
5pm

AJs Ale House

Rock & Roll Sing Along Piano Bar Show
9pm

Billys Ice House

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8pm

Gruene Hall
Walt Wilkins & the Mystiqueros
6pm

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River Road Ice House

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8pm

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Rileys Tavern

AJs Ale House

Vineyard at Gruene

Mandy Rowden

Rock & Roll Sing Along Piano Bar Show

Jeff Martinec

9pm

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7pm

Jam Night
6pm

Watering Hole Saloon

Fri 3.13
Adobe Verde
JJ Garrett Band
6:30pm

The Happy Cow

TBA
8pm

Oma Gruenes Secret Garten

Empty Handed Vagabonds
6pm

Phoenix Saloon
Doug Kent
5pm

Alpine Haus Restaurant

Off the Grid Polka Band
6pm

Billys Ice House

Stephen Chadwick
8pm

Gruene Hall
Roger Creager
w/ Shane Smith & the Saints
7pm, $25

The Pour Haus

Sat 3.14
Adobe Verde
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6:30pm

The Happy Cow

TBA
9pm

Oma Gruenes Secret Garten

The Lesti Huff Band
1pm

Nick Verzosa & the Noble Union

Adam Johnson Band

8:30pm

6pm

Rileys Tavern

Phoenix Saloon

Knotty Grove

The Nightowls

The Beaumonts

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6pm

9pm

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9pm

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AJs Ale House

Phoenix Saloon

Bonzai Steak & Sushi

Rock & Roll Sing Along Piano Bar Show

Adam Johnson

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3pm

w/ Sam Harriss

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6pm

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7pm

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8pm

Paul Sanchez & Wrangler Country

Gruene Hall

3pm

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Gruene Hall

Comal Country Music Show

KC Hall
Carol Cochran, Gene Bartkiewitcz,
Sammy Dale
6pm

1pm

Milkdrive

Roger Creager

12:30pm

w/ Dalton Domino

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8pm, SOLD OUT

5pm

8pm, $5

The Pour Haus

NB Farm to Market

Myles Smith

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8pm

9am

Rileys Tavern

The Pour Haus

The Georges

Jeremy Steding Band

4pm

9:30pm

River Road Ice House

Rileys Tavern

Courtney Patton

Tessy Lou & the Shotgun Stars

w/ 54 Specials

Mon 3.16

7pm

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River Road Ice House

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6pm

8pm

The Pour Haus

Vineyard at Gruene

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8pm

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River Road Ice House

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Sun 3.15

6pm

Oma Gruenes Secret Garten

Kim & Her Bad Habits
2pm

2pm

Gruene Hall

The Pour Haus

St. Patricks Day Celebration
8pm

Wed 3.18
Phoenix Saloon
Swing Dance Night

Watering Hole Saloon

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1979

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THURS & SAT

Back from his gig in Hollywood:

Karaoke King, Johnny V!!

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On Occasion

with Ed Farberer

I dreaded St. Patricks Day when I was in school.

I guess this where the green thing comes

This is because, without fail, someone would

in. The shamrock is green as is much of

pinch me if I wasnt wearing something green.

Ireland, which is known as the Emerald Isle.

Evidently, not wearing green on St.

The reason the place is so green is because of

Patricks Day justifies physical assault. This is

the enormous amount of rain it gets, averaging

tradition and, like many traditions, it has a lot

about 65,000 inches per year. The other

to answer for. This also serves to prove that

reason is because those who were slaughtered

children are evil.

made good nutrients for the soil.

My pleadings to sadistic schoolmates that

And, Lord, is Ireland steeped in death:

Im not Irish fell on deaf ears. On St. Patricks

ages of brutal tribal warfare, vicious English

Day, it seems everyone is Irish. However, if

assaults,

you have read Angelas Ashes, you know

Catholics and Protestants, the potato famine,

that being Irish kinda sucks.

and on and on and on. There has been so

The history of Ireland is steeped in woe,

longstanding

violence

between

much death on the island that more Irish have

full of death, famine, poverty and brutality. died than have ever lived.
When the Irish migrated to the United States,

Yet, even with its history of despair, Ireland

they faced woe, death, famine, poverty and has produced a number of great artists.
brutality. But, at least, it was somewhere else.

There have been numerous wonderful

Because of the enormous influx of Irish, Irish writers, many of who are famous for their

many of their traditions have interpolated into the witty quips, such as Oscar Wilde (Go #&*@

rest of the American fabric. Because of this, every yourself); George Bernard Shaw (I will kill
March 17, we find ourselves celebrating the:
Wearin O the Green (unless the Irishman
is gay, then its Wearin O the Sparkly Lam)

you! I will kill you all!); and James Joyce

(Leave me alone).

Famous thespians include Richard Harris

Wearin O the Little Hat at a Whimsical (brilliant but cantankerous); Peter OToole
Angle

(brilliant but weird); and Maureen OHara

Drinkin O the Green Beer (which would (brilliant and hot).

be disturbing out of context)

Famous

musicians

include

U2

(of

Hatin O the English Bastards

course), Thin Lizzy and the Chieftans (if you

Watchin O the Parades

havent listened to the Chieftans, do so. Im

Pinchin O the Child Not Wearing Green.

not kidding).

The day actually marks the death of St.

Of course there have been many Irish

Patrick, the patron saint of Ireland. The belief is phrases that have entered into our American
that St. Patrick chased the snakes from Ireland

lexicon, such as top o the mornin; sure

sometime in the fifth century. That there were

and begorra; kissin the Blarney Stone; kill

never any snakes in Ireland is beside the the English bastards; and Ill light the Bat
point. History is full of stuff that never actually
happened, such as dragons, Merlin and the

Signal, Commissioner.
And make no mistake, the Irish are a tough

Age of Reason. When this happens, historians lot. The nations top sport is hurling, which is
look for metaphors and symbolism, a process like field hockey except with psychopaths.
by which researchers attempt to explain how
something that didnt happen actually did.

Unfortunately, the Irish propensity for

drinking is not made up the nation has an

In the case of St. Patrick, some historians have

alcoholism rate that makes Americans look

theorized that the snakes actually represented the

sober. Of course, if you lived in Ireland you

last of the Druids, who used snakes as religious

might resort to anything to stop the sad.

symbols. Of course, it could be because the Irish

Nevertheless, like many cultures, the Irish

were eating mushrooms or drinking bad booze.

have suffered and have caused others to suffer,

This would also explain leprechauns, especially but still they thrived, becoming as integral a
the breakfast food-obsessed kind.

part of American history as anyone.

Another claim attributed to St. Patrick

With all that, then, I would like to wish

is that he used the shamrock to explain the

my Irish friends a happy St. Patricks Day and

Holy Trinity, three different leaves but one I hope luck be with you.
plant. This is how the shamrock came to
represent Hibernian Isle.
TXCITIZEN.COM

I also must point out that I am not Irish and

if you pinch me, Im will slug you.
11

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BLAKE,
CHRISTOPHER
JHEROME

HAMMOCK,
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Female 503 120 lbs

Male 511 210 lbs
DOB: 07/02/1971
DOB: 09/11/1987
CHARGE: Motion to
CHARGE: Motion to
revoke probation for
revoke probation for
possession of a
controlled substance possession controlled
and tamper/ fabricate
substance
physical evidence

BEVERLY,
MEDELLIN, JESSE
RODRIGUEZ
NATHANIEL
DAN JR

HARMER,
NICHOLETTE

Male 507
Male
505 200
150lbs
lbs
DOB: 01/01/1976
Female 504 110 lbs
DOB:
04/02/1991
CHARGE:
Possession
CHARGE: Failure to
DOB: 12/27/1982
of a controlled
appear
engage in
substance pg
1 under
CHARGE: Driving
organized
criminal
1 gram and theft of
while intoxicated
activityand
property forgery
under $1500
forgery
financial
3rd or more
with 2 or more
instrument
previous convictions

DEIMEL, ANDREA
MICHELLE
Female 504 145 lbs
DOB: 11/02/1979
CHARGE: Motion to
proceed with
adjudication for
abandon endanger
child

HARRIS,
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Male 508 230 lbs
DOB: 12/23/1982
CHARGE: Motion to
revoke probation for
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Male 505 145 lbs

DOB: 12/19/1966
CHARGE: Motion to
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possession of
controlled substance

D
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ARR

$300
REWARD

By Gustavo Arellano in Mexicans, like flies on ####. What

gives here? Is ####, i.e., intestines,

Dear Mexican: So there I was, sitting really a good food? Or what? What am
in Spanish class, like the good half-frog/ I missing here?
half wop (i.e., frop) that I am, when I
word esposas up on the board. Imagine
my shock/horror when the teacher told
us esposas has two meanings: wives
and handcuffs! PLEASE TELL ME
THIS IS A COINCIDENCE!
Fropito from Laguna Hills

Dear Pendejo: Youre talking trash on

tripas, which mankind has eaten in one form
or

anothersausage,

dinuguan,

chitlins,

hamburger meat, and in tacossince your

ancestors were wiping the culos of Olmec
emperors. Fresas like you might sneer at tripas
as pauper food, just like the elites of society

Dear Gabacho: On one hand, I can

point to Latinshow that esposas is the
feminine plural of esposo, which comes
from the Latin sponsus (same root word

all have through history, but whatever: thats

at least one thing ustedes will never gentrify.
Besides, you already took the real #### in our
society by embracing Man.

for spouse), which comes from the Latin

spondere, which means to bind, and note
that thats exactly what handcuffs do. And
then I can carry the misogynistic theme and
mention that wrists in Spanish translates

and that even the Real Academia Espaola

doesnt know the etymology of the word, or

MECKEL,
LINDA GAYE

ask why esposas simultaneously means

Female 505 160 lbs

DOB: 11/27/1963
CHARGE: Motion to
revoke probation for
possession controlled
substance

The Only Living Fresa in Puebla York

observe the Spanish teacher write the

DOB: 08/31/1985
CHARGE: Failure to
appear for fraud and
theft property over
$1500 under $20k
and bail jumping and
fail to appear

Dear Mexican: Im a gringa with

the star sign of Leo so I love cats, but I
also love Mexican men. But heres the
rub: every Mexican I meet seems to
be allergic to cats or just hates them. I
cant deal with it. Am I just picking the
wrong Mexicans or is there some kind

why the two words mean the same thing. of aversion to four-legged furries in the
And I can conclude by decrying machismo
in Mexicans, that its so ingrained in our

culture that Im not privy to?

Sad Cat-Loving White Girl

culture that its even infested etymology. On

the other hand, only a single guy would ever

handcuffs and wives.

Dear

Gabacha:

While

consumer

surveys show Mexicans do own cats (more

so than African-Americans or Asians, for
that matter), Mexicans will always prefer

Dear Mexican: Just wondering dogs to gatos because we like their

why do Mexicans love to eat ####? companionship and barking abilities
You can walk down the street in any think of them as our ADT Alarm system.
Mexican city any day or night and

Besides, the only pussy Mexican men

FOR INFORMATION LEADING TO THE ARREST OF COMAL

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830.620.3400 - 24-Hour
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12

ASK A MEXICAN!

as muecas, which also means dolls,

LEWIS, LYLE RAY

DELAFUENTE,
Male 511 185 lbs
RENE SALAZAR
Male 509 165 lbs
DOB: 03/09/1970
CHARGE: Failure to
appear for driving
while intoxicated
w/child under 15 yoa
and bail jumping and
fail to appear

COMAL COUNTYS

the smell of frying intestines and so

forth is overpowering. To anyone but
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it literally repulses, meaning that it
calls up an instinct to get as far away
from such smells as possible. But

worry about aint feline.

Ask the Mexican at

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13

Last Word
With Kelly Colby

More on Net Neutrality

The people who care about the

Internet
working best for the community, and
This weeks column begins with a letter from
not just for shareholder profit.
TX Citizen reader Paul Heussner:
Just who are you siding with? Scandalous big
As a network engineer in New Braunfels,
businesses
who were caught red handed? Please
I must say your article on Net Neutrality was
awfully misinformed. The Internet deserves think about how youre being played by clever
more respect than that. I know its easy to get libertarian-flavored corporate propaganda.
Best Regards,
lost in the techno-speak, so let me break this
Paul
down in human terms.
Remember that scandal when Enron shut
down power plants, because they could charge
more money by creating shortages, and then
blame the shortages for their price gouging?
ISPs have been caught in a similar scandal,
by creating shortages in your Internet. Every
time your Netflix has to stop and buffer, youve
been a victim of an artificial Internet shortage.
Seriously, this should all be working by now.
Remember: technology doubles every
year or so. Thanks to that, you have a
supercomputer in your pocket. So why is
the Internet so slow? It should be super-fast
for everyone by now. Someone is holding it
backfor money.
You know who doesnt like net neutrality?
The people who make Unlimited Data
Plans that are really Limited to 4GB Per Month
Data Plans. Wireless ISPs were caught red
handed. This is bull#### market innovation
and people hate them.
The people who make Netflix load
#####, so they have a competitive edge for
their own video-on-demand service. Cable
ISPs were caught red handed. This is bull####
market innovation and people hate them.
The people who inject extra ads in your
webpages. Extra ads that werent originally on
the webpage. ISPs were caught red handed.
This is bull#### market innovation and
people hate them.
The people who make equipment that
slows down the internet unless you pay their
ransom money. ISPs were caught red handed.
This is bull#### market innovation and
people hate them.
You know who likes net neutrality?
The people who make apps, games,
videos and blogs on the internet. This is quality
innovation and people love them.
The people who make Netflix. This is
quality innovation and people love them.
The people who make cool stuff
for the web. This is quality innovation and
people love it.
14

I think this is the first time Ive responded

directly to an email in the TX Citizen. Pauls
letter above, though, offers some specific
criticisms and a format that is easy to follow and
address. Furthermore, when I contacted Paul to
ask for some clarification, he was quick to offer
some links (available in the online version of this
column at txcitizen.com after 3/13) that I could
use to be sure I understood his point correctly.
Having all this at hand, I cant see any reason
not to give a direct reply in print.
The thrust of Pauls email is that I am
misinformed and have perhaps been misled
by corporate propaganda. This last phrase
and some of the other language used in the
email already has me suspecting that Pauls
ideological beliefs are getting in the way of his
critical thinking skills, but lets save that for later
and begin with Pauls supremely helpful bullet
points of complaints. I assume this is the source
of his belief that I am misinformed. It wasnt my
main assertion, but I did say that the FCC was
solving a problem that was already solved.
With the exception of the final bullet
point, which Paul didnt offer support for, the
examples Paul offers have been solved. Netflix
had been negotiating for more direct access to
ISP customers where their service was being
throttled, People have been leaving their
unlimited data plans for plans that include caps
to avoid throttling, and the ads in question were
first admitted to and then dropped. Perhaps
these were not solutions that Paul liked, but they
are solutions, and none of what Paul accused
companies of being caught red-handed with
was illegal. Its worth noting that the FCC is not
a court in any real sense of the word, they are a
political and partisan bureaucracy, in this case
looking for an excuse to create Net Neutrality
through regulation as opposed to legislation.
As I suggested in last weeks column, freemarket solutions are probably the best solutions.
This is because they offer everyone actual
freedom of choice. Much of what was done
by cable providers, wireless services and ISPs

might have been irritating to consumers of their While I respect the value of corporations, Im
services, but those consumers have the ultimate

hardly a corporatist. Many corporations will

power: they can decide to opt out of the service.

likely be part of the Net Neutrality problem,

The businesses involved really do need to focus and Netflix is arguably using what is being
on shareholder profit; its their job. The customer

implemented as a form of regulatory capture,

may always be right in theory, but in practice, where their corporate interests are made a

a business needs to turn a profit to survive. That priority in regulation meant to be even-handed.
can sometimes be a balancing act.

As an anarcho-capitalist, I could be called

Additionally, I said before and I will say

anti-government, but that doesnt make me

again that we have gone through this process

pro-corporation so much as pro-free market.

before. Paul points out Moores Law with regards

Ultimately, Im pro-freedom, and the only one

to the doubling of computing power (really the using actual force here is the FCC.
number of transistors that can be placed in a

The

internet

is

relatively

unique

square inch and more an observation than an

innovation in human experience. Paul points

actual law), and Ive been around for a good

out, quite rightly, that there are a good number

amount of this doubling, being old as I am. This

of people who work without concern for profit

idea of charging for bandwidth or data usage

to improve the internet for everyone. Im sure

has come and gone more than once. In general,

he would also be quick to point out that the

businesses like to charge for usage like they

government has had a hand in creating the

are offering a product because they know that internet: both in the area of research and

ultimately more usage means more resources, in its infrastructure. All this is true, but the

and that means more overhead. Conversely, internet would not be anything more than a
consumers generally prefer unlimited bandwidth toy without the free market. Pauls disdain
or data usage because it offers more flexibility and for market innovations that are thinly veiled
they dont have to monitor their use. Companies

attempts at profit maximization is misplaced.

believe, because of technological advancements, This is the reason Paul has an internet to email
that they can offer more bandwidth or data than

me on. Neither our government, nor all the

anyone could ever use and use unlimited plans

governments of the world would ever have

as a selling point. Consumers rapidly find ways

been able to make the type of investment in the

to use all that Moores Law has made possible internet that has been made by the free market.
and more, making companies sorry they ever left

And theres no question that the product would

charging by usage. This continues to sway back have been vastly inferior if they had.
and forth over time.
The reality of the FCC injecting itself

In the end, the argument Im making is

for freedom. I want the internet to remain a

into the process is that the free market will be place where free-market principles, not the
skewed. One of the unintended results of this government, rules. As a resource, the internet
Net Neutrality decision will be a slowing of

is best allocated using capitalistic principles

the internet overall. Though this may be hard because capitalism allows for the greatest
to gauge in an environment that is continually utility of those resources (this is perhaps an
accelerating, its easy enough to explain and argument that deserves its own column). It
understand logically. By forcing all traffic to be seems that Paul believes the government will

treated the same and charged the same rates, allocate those resources more fairly. I suspect
the FCC has significantly reduced the incentive

that Paul is looking for a system that prioritizes

for increasing speed and capacity. After all,

need over profit, but Im afraid the government

providers wont be able to charge any more for is just as bad at determining need as it is at
it. It may still offer a competitive advantage for everything else it does. I dont think Paul is a
gaining and keeping customers, but this will need bad person (perhaps misinformed), but I do
to be offset, by possible loss in profit margin.

think he will be disappointed with what comes

This is actually the least of the problems of Net Neutrality. As for which of us is right, I
I see with Net Neutrality, and the larger leave that to the readers to decide.
problem ties in nicely with the underlying
implication on Pauls email. His tone and word
choice suggest that he thinks I am somehow a

You can read more from Kelly Colby at yourfirstshrug.

blogspot.com.

corporatist or someone who is duped by them.

TX CITIZEN
AD SALES 830.358.2493

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San Juanita's Taqueria
Taqueria El Sazon Tapatio
Hannas Kitchen
Marinas Mexican Cantina
El Tapatio
Johnny Macs Truck Wash
NB Tortillaria
Cancun Mexican Restaurant
Taqueria Guadalajara
El Tamarindo
Los Gallos

Beyond the Cheese:

Best Small Chain Breakfast Tacos
Taco Palenque
El Nopalito
Las Palapas

Fire Water:
Best Full-On Texas Style Bar
The Watering Hole Saloon
Phoenix Saloon
Conways Dance Hall
Old Ice House
Happy Cow
Billys Ice House
Rileys Tavern
Hoity Toit Beer Joint

Fire Water: Best Wine Bar

Longshot Wine Bar
Vino en Verde
Water 2 Wine
Wolfgangs Keller
Vineyard at Gruene
Winery in the Gruene
Kork

Fire Water: Best

Patio/Deck/Backyard Bar
Oma Gruenes Secret Garten
Koozies Ice House
Pour Haus
Bubbas Big Deck
Pateks Craft Beer and Wine Bar

Fire Water: Best Dang Margarita

Adobe Verdes Dos Rita
Watering Holes Margarita
Phoenix Saloons Margarita
Scores Margaritas
Prickly Pears Margarita
Black Whales Margarita

Boot Scootin:
Best Place to Get Your Two-Step On
Conways Dance Hall
Watering Hole Saloon
Gruene Hall

Civics: Best Place to Plan

White-Collar Crime
Honors Hall
Council Chamber B
Fairway 11, Landa Park Golf Course
Wursthalle

Civics: Coolest City-Owned Vehicle

Fire Water: Best Sports Bar
Prickly Pear Lounge
Scores Sports Bar and Grill
Black Whale
The Watering Hole Saloon
River City Range Bar
Buffalo Wings and Rings

NBFDs Ladder Truck

NBPDs Tank
Street Departments Grapple Truck

Fire Water: Best Pub Style Bar

Oyster Bar
Black & Tan Pub
Faust Brewing Co
AJs Ale House
Calahans

Jahr der Kse

(Year of the Cheese)

15

Call our AWARD WINNING TEAM! 830.620.7653

DLeeEdwardsRealty.com 1111 N. Walnut Ave. New Braunfels, TX 78130

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HELP WANTED
PRICKLY PEAR LOUNGE
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830-625-8017
Ask for Haley

RAMADA INN

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Apply in Person or Call
830-625-8017
Ask for Dan

Half-Off One Entree

with purchase of another entree and two drinks.

One coupon per table. Cannot be combined with any other offer. Expires 03/31/15

A $30 Value. New Patients Only. Cannot Be Combined

With Other Offers. Offer Expires March 31, 2015

Huge Play Area for the Kids Live Music Thursday-Sunday

Happy Hour Monday-Friday 3:00-6:30pm
BEST
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