Essay Correction

More and more families have computers in their homes, and children spend a great deal of their
free time using their home computers. Discuss the advantage and disadvantages of this situation
and give your own opinion.
__________________________________________________________________________________
Nowadays, a new generation have a deep relation with his computers. That is not only because of
using the computers for long time in school of for study, but, because they also spend most of their
free time with their best friend "Mr. Computer". This essay will discuss some prons and cons for
using computer by children for long time. In fact, I believe that this habit has more drwabacks than
benifites.
There is no dout that getting famelier with computer has some advantages. Some people think that,
using computer is one of modern life's need. To illustrate that, we all know that most of new books
has an online page contains additional excersis and form for student to exchange their experience
with that book.
However, some recentely studies had showen that there are a lot of disadvantages for using
computer by children for long time. Fist of that advantages, the side effect on health. For example,
most of fight games has a dangerous side effect on brain. In addition to that, some children lose the
ability to build a good communication with his society. for inectanse, an active boy on facebook migh
be unable to have a simple chat with his classmeat.
In fact, many drawbacks might effect the children if they have really better relation with their
computers than their environment. The most dengarous one is the losing the losing of
communication skills.
In conclusion, although we should encourge our kids to be familier with computers because it
considered as one of life's need. But in same time, we should pay a serious attention to their relation
with computers. Simply, we want our children to participate on the life devlopment not only losing
their time in entertainment. Finally, as I explained, I beleive that using computer by children for long
time has more drawbacks that benifits.

See next page for grammar corrected version and estimated band score evaluation

Comment [R1]: This is ok. You

introduce the topic and then have a thesis
statement.
Comment [R2]: This looks odd stuck
here. Just leave it till the end.

Comment [R3]: Your information on

advantages is very brief. You are better to
brainstorm two advantages if you are not
able to develop one detailed idea enough.
As you are told to discuss adv and dis, it
may be viewed that you are not covering
this part of the task enough.
Comment [R4]: This is not explained
clearly. What kind of effect on the brain?

Comment [R5]: This does nothing to

make the essay better. It appears to just
be repeating the last point in the last
paragraph. It would have been better to
have had extra support in the advantages
paragraph rather than having this
paragraph.
Comment [R6]: This should be after In
conclusion. A conclusion should restate
the thesis and then give final thoughts. You
have done this the wrong way round.

Grammar corrected version:

Nowadays, a new generation have a deep relationship with their computers. That is not only because
they use the computers for a long time in school for study, but also because they spend most of their
free time with their computers. This essay will discuss the pros and cons of children using computers
for a long time. Personally, I believe that this habit has more drawbacks than benefits.
There is no doubt that getting familiar with computers has some advantages. Some people think that
using a computer is one of modern life's needs. To illustrate, we all know that most new books have
an online page containing additional exercises and forms for students to exchange their experience
with that book.
However, some recent studies have shown that there are a lot of disadvantages when children use
computers for a long time. The first of those disadvantages is the side effects on health. For example,
most fight games have a dangerous side effect on the brain. In addition to that, some children lose the
ability to develop good communication with society. For instance, an active boy on Facebook might
be unable to have a simple chat with his class mates.
In fact, many drawbacks might affect the children if they have a much better relationship with their
computers than their environment. The most dangerous one is the loss of communication skills.
In conclusion, we should encourage our children to be familiar with computers because they are
considered as one of life's needs. But at the same time, we should pay serious attention to their
relationship with computers. Simply, we want our children to participate in life development rather
than losing their time in entertainment. Finally, as explained above, I believe that the use of computers
by children for long time has more drawbacks than benefits.

Estimated band score evaluation: 5.5

Criteria
Task Response

Coherence and
Cohesion

Lexical Resource
Grammatical
Range and
Accuracy

Comments
All parts of the task are covered but some are
more fully covered than others, there is some
repetition and some ideas are not clearly
developed / explained.
There is an overall progression but there is
some faulty cohesion within or between
sentences and paragraphing (e.g. body 3) is not
always logical.
Noticeable errors in spelling bring it down to a
5
Grammatical errors are too frequent to get a 6.

*band scores are estimated by an experienced IELTS instructor

*Band
6

5
5