Devito's Relationship Stages

1. Contact
This is the time when communicators first meet and form initial impressions of each other; this stage may be very short, even a
matter of seconds.
Perceptual contact
The first step occurs when one person becomes aware of the other's existence. This may be asymmetric, where I see you
but you do not see me, or may be mutual, where we see each other at the same time.
Interactional contact
At this early stage there may be some interaction between the people, but this is usually brief, superficial and impersonal. It
may also be ritualized, such as saying hello and talking about bland subjects such as work or the weather
Initial assessment
Whenever we meet with new people we quickly make some assessment of them (in a few minutes or even seconds) as we
try to categorize them. If I know what sort of person you are, then I know how to interact with you.
2. Involvement
This second stage is the acquaintance phase, in which communicators share superficial information about themselves and commit to
getting to know one another better. This stage may also involve testing the relationship.
Mutuality
The interaction becomes more frequent and the balance of giving and receiving is sustained. A sense of mutuality and
connectedness develops such that when one person sees another, pleasant feelings (but seldom as strong as love) are
engendered.
Testing
At this stage the individuals may be wondering whether to move towards intimacy. Many relationships do not go that far as
it involves a significant commitment. People may hence informally test the other person to see if they are also committed.
3. Intimacy
In this stage the relationship is at its deepest and most committed. This is when depth of disclosure is shared and communicators
make commitments and move toward social bonding. Most individuals have few intimate relationships.
Personal commitment
Personal commitment is the felt connection with the other person and the time and effort that the individual is prepared to
put into the relationship. This can be a problem if it is asymmetrical, with one person feeling more committed than the
other.
Interpersonal commitment
Interpersonal commitment takes personal commitment and makes it explicit in both directions. This is where the two
people declare their affection for one another. A part of this process is in agreeing the depth of commitment that they want
from one another, for example staying as good friends or getting married.
Social bonding
Beyond the personal and interpersonal levels, communicating the depth of their relationships to others makes it more
difficult for either to back out. This may include a formal ceremony, from signing joint declarations to marriage.
Anxiety
Relationships are not all sweetness and light and even after public commitment, each person may be worried about
possible issues. In particular:
o Security anxiety: of abandonment, being left for someone else.
o Fulfilment anxiety: that a close and special rapport will continue.
o Excitement anxiety: that the thrill will continue and boredom and routine will not set in.

4. Deterioration
The bonds of commitment weaken during this stage in the face of intrapersonal and interpersonal dissatisfaction with the
relationship. There may be less self-disclosure. It is also at this time that awkwardness arises in the relationship and partners spend
less time with one another. Each may also be having serious questions about maintaining the relationship.
Relational damage
Specific things may happen to damage the relationship, from simple broken promises to major betrayal. Arguments may
break out, even over small things, in which hurtful things are said. Minor hurts may then be aggregated into major
grievances which can fester and increase the divide.

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Val. Ed. 4 Psychological Theories of Values Development

Weakening bonds
Even without major damage, the initially-strong bond may be eroded as the passion of the early relationship gives way to
the humdrum of everyday existence. Living together or just seeing one another too often can result in having less and less
to say. Familiarity may breed contempt, which is a major predictor of relationship breakdown.

5. Repair
Adjustments are made to deal with the issues that have produced deterioration. These may involve intrapersonal changes and/or
interpersonal repair. When damage is done, all is not necessarily lost and if the people want the relationship to continue then there
is opportunity for repair.
Intrapersonal repair
Each person alone can work on their own perceptions, perhaps with the help of friends and counselors, seeking to identify
and draw out the poison within and so healing imagined wounds.
Interpersonal repair
The repair process may well also involve joint action that has to go beyond damaging blame and involve joint acceptance of
responsibility. Done well, this may be cathartic and enlightening and can lead to an even stronger relationship. Done less
well and the repair may only be temporary as one or each agrees to changes but does not engage in the intrapersonal
repair that is needed to make it effective.
6. Dissolution
The relationship is ending. This may be a time of intense negative feelings, such as anxiety and resentment. This stage may involve
negotiations or conflict over how to end the relationship and relate to one another's larger social networks. Eventually at some point
the relationship may dissolve (or perhaps return to a more platonic level).
Intrapersonal separation
A part of this process is an internal separation where each person psychologically distances themselves from the other
person, detaching their identity and seeing the other person as more distinct and individual.
Interpersonal separation
As well as the intrapersonal separation there is a joint agreement to separate, creating psychological and physical distance.
If one person does not want to separate they may appear 'clinging' and this can lead to conflict.
Social separation
In a reversal of the intimacy stage, the separation occurs not only at intrapersonal and interpersonal levels, but also at an
external social level, where friends and acquaintances are told of the separation and are asked to collaborate with this, for
example in not inviting both people to the same party. Formal separation may mean divorce, moving out of the same
accommodation, etc.

Levinger's Relationship Stage Theory

A = Acquaintance/attraction. We meet other people and feel an initial attraction, often based on physical beauty and similarity.
B = Build-up. We become increasingly interdependent as we reveal more and more about our private selves. We get irritated by one
another, but the more pleasant aspects may well keep the relationship going.
C = Continuation/consolidation. Longer-term commitments are made, such as marriage. The partnership enters what may be a lifelong stable relationship.
D = Deterioration. Many relationships decay, due to several factors. These include relative effort, rewards, barriers to exit (such as
marriage and social obligation) and the availability of alternatives.
E = Ending. The relationship ends when partners agree to separate or one leaves.

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Val. Ed. 4 Psychological Theories of Values Development