A Seder by Mesch & Cod

14th of Nissan, 5775

CHARACTERS IN ORDER OF APPEARANCE

Yochaved Mother of Moses
Baby Moses as a baby
Bityah Egyptian Princess
Pharaoh Antagonist
Tour Guide College Student
Student Prospective student
Guard Unlikeable prick
Palace Guard Desperately wants to be Jewish
Moses The hero of our story
Groot Bush A burning bush/plant that talks
Israelite Once was a slave and is now free
Israelite 2 Also was once a slave and is now free
Nachson An adventure seeking fox.

EXT. NILE RIVER A LONG LONG TIME AGO....

A place that looks very similar Tatooine. In the middle of this vast desert is a pyramid. We are
not in Palm Springs, fools. We are in Egypt. A woman, YOCHAVED, walks down a curvy path
holding a BABY in her arms. She is clearly panicked and out of breath. She places the child in a
basket in the river.
Yochaved: Trust me, Im doing this for your safety. Someday you will lead our people. I love you
my dear child. I know you will return to us when things are safe, but there is no other option.
Baby: What?
This baby talks.
Baby: This seems like a terrible idea. First of all Im a baby. Second off Im Jewish. The odds of
me drowning are incredibly high. Take me out of this river!
Yochaved: Its too late my child. I love you.
Baby: Its not too late. Youre literally standing right there. Just lean over the same way you did
when you put me in the river.
Yochaved slowly backs away and makes her voice soft as if it was fading away.
Yochaved: I loooooove youuuuuuu Mosessssssssss
Baby: People dont send people they love in a basket down the river. They take them to
brunchhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....
GUARDIANS OF THE GALILEE
EXT. OTHER END OF THE NILE - DAY
A fabulously dressed woman named BITYAH is sauntering about along the banks of the River
Nile. She stops when she hears a small cry.
Baby: Hey! Excuse me? A little help here?
Bityah: Holy Ramses Brow its a talking baby!
Baby: Yeah, great, I can talk. Can you get me out of this water?
Bityah: Who on Earth would give away a perfectly good baby?

Baby: Again, and I hate to be rude, but can you get me out of this water?
Bityah: Oh, my, yes, of course. I will one up you and I will raise you as my own. What shall I call
you?
Baby: The lady up stream called me Moses.
Bityah: Well, Moses. Lets get you to the palace.
Baby: Did you say palace? Now we are talking!
INT. PHARAOH'S PALACE - DAY
Bityah: Dad, we have a new baby in the family.
Palace Guard: Mazel tov!!
Pharaoh: Damn it, Karl, what did I tell you about that?
Palace Guard: Sorry. (reluctantly, waving quote fingers in the air) Congratulations.
Pharaoh: Better. And what wonderful news!
Bityah: Indeed it is. Come now Moses, its time you get some rest. We do not want a cranky
Prince of Egypt.
Baby: Im not cranky. Do you assume I am cranky, because Im a baby? That is just rude.
EXT - PYRAMID CONSTRUCTION SITE - 18 YEARS LATER
A tour guide is showing a group of prospective new students around the grounds of Egypt
University of Ohio.
Tour guide: On the left you will see our newest wing being built. The Pyramid House 3 will
feature the latest in technology. As an architecture major, youll be required to do a semester
of task mastering so you can get comfortable with the work we are doing with all of our slaves.
Student: If I have time, can I join the Acapella group? Ive always wanted to be a Pharaohs
Angel and I have put together an amazing musical arrangement that is a mashup of Chad Gadya
and Echad Mi Yodea.
Tour Guide: Great question, but unfortunately we are not at that part of the Seder yet.
Student: Whats happening over there?

Tour Guide: Im not entirely sure.

The whole group looks over to see Moses, the Prince of Egypt, arguing with an Egyptian Guard.
Moses: You cannot hit your slave that hard. He doesnt deserve it.
Guard: Yes. He. Does.
Moses: Hit him one more time and see what happens.
Guard: Oh, you mean like this?
The guard hits him. Moses, furious, turns into a half alien half human and goes absolutely
bananas on this Guard. He throws him up into the air and spits out fiery flames into the Guard
who is flambed instantly.
Moses: Oh, my lord. What have I done?
Student: Oh, my lord. What has he done?
Everyone: Oh, my lord. What has he done?
Moses immediately runs away, fearing for his own life.
Tour Guide: So thats gonna conclude our tour for the day. We look forward to reading your
essays and reviewing your transcripts, which you are free to recite orally or leave on parchment
at the admissions office.
EXT. FIELD FULL OF SHEEP - DAY
Years have passed, and Moses has married into Jethros family and has become a shepherd for
the family flock. On this particular day Moses gets lost out in the wilderness. He hears a voice.
Moses: I just dont know where I fit in anymore.
Groot Bush: I do.
Moses: What was that?
Groot Bush: Where are you?
Moses: Hineni. I am here.

Groot Bush: Well then come with me.

Moses heads to a cave.
Groot Bush: Moses, this is the voice of God. I am coming to you in the form of a burning bush.
Moses: That was unexpected.
Groot Bush: Why is that unexpected?
Moses: I mean we have never met before and if you are God then you could theoretically
become the voice of anything. Picking a burning bush seems like an obscure choice.
Groot Bush: What would you have suggested?
Moses: I dont know just spitballing here, but maybe something dramatic like parting the Red
Sea and having an entire nation of people walk through the ocean before their enemies catch
them?
Groot Bush: Next time Moses please declare a spoiler alert. This is some peoples first Seder.
Moses: You are so right. How rude of me. Shall we continue?
Groot Bush: Like I was saying....You have been chosen to save the Jewish people Moses!
Moses: No, no. That doesnt sound like me.
Groot Bush: Yes, it is you. You will have help. From me, and from others. We will form a group
and beat Pharaoh.
Moses: A team of heroes?
Groot Bush: Yes, with you as our leader. Aaron, Miriam, Nachshon. We will have a whole team.
We will return to the land of Milk and Honey and become: THE GUARDIANS OF THE GALILEE.
Moses: Getting the old band back together! Well, I guess the new band since we never had a
band in the first place. Lets be honest here, the title of this years Seder seems like a real
stretch.
Groot Bush: Just go with it Moses.
INT - PHARAOHS PALACE - DAY
Moses barges into the main hall of the palace.

Palace Guard: I am so sorry, Pharaoh. I told him he was not allowed in.
Pharaoh: Karl, what part of no visitors did you not understand?
Palace Guard: Oy vey, I know!
Pharaoh: What did I say about using Yiddish?
Palace Guard: Sorry (reluctant, waving finger quotes) Gee whiz, what a bummer.
Pharaoh: Well, now that you are in my home. What can I do for you sir?
Moses: I want you to let my people, the Jewish people, go away from Egypt!
Laughter erupts from the entire room.
Pharaoh: Then who, pray tell, will build my pyramids and buildings?
Moses: Youll have to go with good honest work, I guess.
Laughter erupts from the entire room.
Pharaoh: Nah.
Moses: Youll regret this.
Moses announces the plagues, which we see in an epic montage directed by Steven Spielberg,
and slips into a deep southern accent that you would expect from a grizzled Cowboy reflecting
on his days herding cattle.
Moses (V.O.): First it was waters to blood and then the frogs came. I went to talk to Pharaoh,
but he was still stubborn. Then the lice showed up just as the frogs skedaddled. Followed by
swarms of flies even worse than those we used to see on the pasture. It didnt stop there, but I
sure wish it had. Cattle disease. Thousands of beautiful cows gone in an instant. I went to
Pharaoh again, but he wouldnt budge. So the people got boils all over their skin and hail rained
down from the sky. I thought it couldnt get any worse, but then the locusts came and one day
right smack dab in the middle of the morning sun, the sky went pitch black and the entire land
was covered in darkness. I went to Pharaoh again, but he held firm. I told him he shouldnt let
this next plague happen and that I wasnt bluffing, but he refused to listen. He was being a real
half-wit if you ask me. Then the final plague came and it was worse than any of us expected,
but I knew it wasnt when I was asked to have the Israelites smear lambs blood on their
doorposts (Of course unless they were vegetarians and instead we used a red quinoa with a just

a hint of rosemary). But then the worst of all the plagues came (Dramatic pause) it was death of
the first born... I went to see Pharaoh for what I knew would be the last time.
The palace guard, KARL, walks Moses to see Pharaoh. Moses loses his deep southern accent.
Palace Guard: I mean Pharaohs got some real chutzpah. He would plotz if he heard me kvetch
to you like this, but we need to end this mishegas. We all have some serious tsuris here and its
time to get the mishpocheh back together.
Moses: When we leave Egypt you should come. You will definitely fit in.
Palace Guard: Really? I dont mean to get all shmaltzy, but thats very nice of you to say. Ive
never really felt like I fit in anywhere. Like a wanderer in the desert you know?
Moses: You are just playing for the wrong team right now, but when we get out of here you
should come.
Karl is clearly thrilled. They finally get to Pharaoh who is sitting on his throne clearly distraught.
Moses: Its time.
Pharaoh: Go. All of you go. Go. Go. No more plagues.
Moses walks out.
Moses: Good bye my brother.
Pharaoh: You are not my brother.
Palace Guard: Oy Vey.
EXT. SEA - DAY
Moses has all of the Israelites standing behind him eating crackers.
Israelite: This Matzah is terrible.
Israelite 2: Its not that bad. (He takes a bite) I take that back this is terrible.
Moses turns to his people.
Moses: We have reached the Red Sea and face a conundrum. Worry not though, God has a
plan!

In the distance Moses sees the Egyptian Army. Pharaoh has changed his mind....
Moses: Alright God anytime now. Legitimately anytime is a good time.
Everyone looks scared including Moses.
Moses: I have lived most of my life surround by enemies. I would be grateful to go down
surrounded by my friends.
All of a sudden a fox named Nachson Rocket Goldberg does a cannonball dive into the Red
Sea. Mid air he yells out!
Nachshon: Raise your rod Moses!
Moses: There are children at this Seder Nachshon.
Nachshon: Moses, raise your staff!
Moses: Ohhhhhh!
Moses raises his staff high in the air. The force is clearly strong with this one. As he raises his
staff higher and higher into the air the Red Sea opens wider and wider until the Israelites can
walk right through.
Israelite: Is this really happening or is that Matzah making me go crazy?
Israelite 2: Probably a little bit of both.
Moses is shocked and yells towards the heavens.
Moses: Thats what Im talking about God. Thats how you make an entrance!
The Israelites cross through the Red Sea by Miriam and Mosess wife Tziporah. The Egyptians
follow after the Israelites and are unfortunately swallowed up by the sea except for the Palace
Guard (Karl) who makes it to the other side. The Israelites are confused why Karl is with them in
full Egyptian garb.
Palace Guard: It was a shlep to get here and I couldnt bring all of my tchatchkes, but boy does
it feel good to be away from Pharaoh!
Israelite: Who is this?
Israelite 2: Its Karl and he was a palace guard.

Israelite: Why is he allowed to be here? He was a palace guard.

Moses: And I was once the Prince of Egypt. Lets not waste our time quibbling about who does
and doesnt belong and Live For Now.
Moses looks in his hand and is holding a Pepsi.
Moses: Really? Product placement. We are at the end of the Seder.
We see Steven Spielberg, who has been directing this movie the whole time, give Moses the
hand motion to just roll with it.
Moses: Whether we were once slaves in Egypt, or maybe we just didnt fit in, now we must
look forward and towards the promise of a better future and a better tomorrow. We must all
become the Guardians of the Galilee!
Everyone cheers!
FADE OUT