My duffle bag of semi-dirty clothes hit the floor of the dormitory room as I took a deep

breath of Montereys ocean air. The room was empty since my roommate hadnt moved
in yet. The walls were bland and white, and they did nothing to offset the disgustingly
mottled green and purple carpet. There was nothing inviting about them or even the entire
room. One hand pressed down on the bed was enough to make the frame squeal like a
dying pig. The closet doors werent much better when I pried them open. I thought I had
a lot of clothes, but after putting everything away, the closet still gaped with space.
I have never complained or even thought about what I had or didnt have, but staring into
the half empty void that was now my closet, I felt like it was a reflection of my life
something that wanted to be filled and never quite got that far.
A key scraped the doorknob, shattering what few thoughts were scrambling around in my
head. Providing help to the person on the other side of the door was not one of those
thoughts, but whoever it was didnt need it. I shrugged and turned back, tipping my foot
against one of the boxes to open the lid.
Hiiii, new roomie! I turned to find Tinkerbelle standing in front of me. The only thing
distinguishing her from her fairy counterpart was the pair of fat-rimmed sunglasses
perched upon her nose.
Uh hi. Eloquent as always.
She was already moving around by the time I worked up my pitiful greeting. I know we
talked a little over email but Im just so excited! Ive never had a roommate before. Her
things were already flying out from the two suitcases she had, and time I nudged my

duffle bag under the bed where she couldnt see it. It hit me then that her name was
Amanda and that I knew next to nothing about her. The emails had been for room
arrangements and what to bring. Amanda was having someone drag in a mini-fridge box
with another sitting on top of it, this one for a microwave. Amanda and her family had
thought of everything while my side of the room was painfully bare.
You said your nickname was Fish, right? she asked. She was busy setting up a laptop
on her desk and not looking at me.
Yeah. Old family nickname. It stuck around, I answered. Talking about me wasnt
something I wanted to do, so I tried to change the subject. Where did you live before
you came here?
My question launched something I wasnt expecting. Most people I knew said city and
state, end of conversation. With Amanda, I opened up a box of stories. She chattered on
and on about her hometown, Sacramento, and about the fun shed had with her friends in
high school. I didnt want to interrupt her with my own, since I didnt have many friends
during most of my school years. While she spouted stories, I managed to get my boxes
unpacked. Her voice, not surprisingly, managed to attract someone else to our room,
slowly growing inhabitable by the addition of stuff.
Oh, hey, Tony! I heard Amanda greet the new person. I glanced up to find a chubby but
tall boy giving Amanda a quick hug. The sight was comical, to say the least. The
awkwardness between their heights was clearly noticeable. Tony looked over at me and
smiled, releasing Amanda to let her do her thing. That thing turned out to be introducing

us. Fish, this is Tony. We went to high school together! She clapped her hands
excitedly, as if the news was groundbreaking. I had to admit, they didnt look like the
type to be friends. She seemed so popular and prissy, and he wasnt. He was everything
I envisioned a nerd to be: a little overweight, messy hair, torn pants with no belt, and a
shirt depicting some obscure video game as far as I could guess.
Amanda opened her mouth to continue but noticed Tonys confused expression as he
looked me over. I knew he wasnt scrutinizing my pulled-back dark hair or my blue eyes
or my face in general. Like everyone else, he was curious about my name.
Fish? he asked.
I sucked in my lips, pushed my hands to my cheeks, and pumped out like gills. Glub,
glub. Both of them laughed and I could help but give them a bit of a smile too. I like
swimming, I added, but it didnt matter since they were both still snickering. I meant to
turn back to my empty boxes but Amanda piped up again.
Come have dinner with us! You can meet some of the people we met during
orientation!
People meant talking, and while Amanda and Tony werent so bad, I wasnt ready for a
crowd. No thanks. Im not hungry. Im going to get my computer set up.
Amanda wasnt the least bit phased, but she waved and they departed. I heard her say
goodbye to her parents and it then dawned on me that my father had dropped me off, got

my boxes inside, and then left without so much as a hug. I wasnt attached to my family
like Amanda was.
I didnt realize I was gripping the bed so hard the metal was beginning to whine a protest.
I lashed out with my bare foot at a box, launching it under my bed. It was here to stay,
and so was I, even if I felt as empty as the box.
--Amanda and I found enough time to discover each others schedules, and somehow, Tony
got mixed into it all. Amanda and I wouldnt see one another for most of the day since I
had morning classes and hers were later, but I wouldnt be alone. As it turned out, Tony
had a class with me, but it wasnt until later in the week. For now, hed taken it upon
himself to be my personal tour guide.
I let him fill the air with random words while we walked. He was guiding me to the
science building on campus, the only one distinguishable one from every other broken
down building at the large California college. The science center was big with its three
floors and spacious rooms. The school wasnt exactly known for its science degrees, but
despite that, the massive building was the first to get an upgrade. The wood was bright
and inviting with gaping windows surrounding the third floor. The stone ramp leading up
to the door was lined with rock walls on each side and there was a fresh garden popping
up around the entire building. It was a nice place, but as soon as I stepped inside, the
walls were grey and bland. I could see classes already in session, large rooms with at
least fifty students and more filing in as other classes were starting.

Well, here we are. You are in room E110. Right here. Tony pointed forward into a
room that didnt really look like a room at all. The walls were temporary flimsy things
that separated rooms, like the classroom was unfinished. I thanked Tony and didnt look
back as he left. I was alone, and my finger fiddled with the corner of my schedule until I
gathered the strength to move forward. People must have been waiting behind me
because I heard mutterings about being held up while I found a seat. It was in the back,
thankfully. Screw seating arrangements.
That was before the teacher entered. She clip-clopped like the most expensively dressed
horse with her wide, black high heels and long face. She took a calculating glare around
the room, glanced at her watch and, satisfied that class time was going to start when she
wanted it to, launched into a description of herself. All I got from her was that she was
Paula Theodore and that she wanted to be addressed as Professor only. Her and her fancy
PhD allowed for such a title.
A stack of papers slapped the front table, shocking us all awake. Now that I have your
attention, she put so much pressure on the words, I thought they might break, this is
Nursing Theory I. In this class, you will learn the basics of nursing that will assist you in
Nursing Theory II and other major-related classes.
And that was when I zoned out. I was aware of looking over the fat syllabus for the class
and mechanically moving my hand when she had us turn the page. My head was full of
memories of my family. I thought about the first time Id gone to the cold beaches in
Maine, the freezing breezes and the annoying seagulls and my fathers smiling face

Felicia Conneway? My full name pulled me from my memories.

Fish, I answered, getting a few looks from the others around me.
What?
You know, Fish. I made the same motion as I did with Tony and Amanda, but it didnt
earn a laugh like before. In fact, she looked more pissed than before. With a sigh, I added,
Its what I prefer to be called, professor. The pen scratched the clipboard in front of her
and with a flat gaze, she finished her roll taking before she dove into the importance of
our textbooks. However, at the end of her monologue, she regarded us with a level stare.
I understand many of you may be unsure about this major, but Im here to help alleviate
those fears. The course is a lot to take in, but as your professor, Im inclined to help you
succeed. The mean teacher faade didnt seem to be working for her anymore, but it was
hard to take her seriously since I already despised the major Id been coerced into.
The rest of the day passed about as smooth as sandpaper. The only thing I managed to
think about was how my father would react when I told him I disliked my major already.
If he ever decided to call me.
-I flung my backpack into my chair and kicked my flip-flops off into the corner of my
room. It was afternoon and I realized Monterey got warm fast. Clad in shorts and a light
jacket, something I was never able to wear in Maine except during the summer, I still had
to open my window to let the ocean breeze roll in. Even though I couldnt see the salty

body of water, I could still smell it. That was the perk of living near the ocean your whole
life: you could pick out the scent any day.
I didnt understand how no one was outside in that moment. It was so nice! The sunlight
bounced off of the pavement and trees, lighting up the entire place. Sure, there were some
puffy clouds rolling around in the sky and there was a cold breeze, but the scenery and
how open it was
I realized I was excited about the scenery. I wasnt really supposed to like this place.
After all, I was flung from my hometown and didnt have any friends up here. No family,
either. I didnt miss my dad. He would have asked about my day in that monotone I so
very much hated, and then he would have berated me for not paying attention in my two
nursing classes.
I slapped the wall next to the window with such force, the blinds shook in terror. Part of
me knew it wasnt right to hate on my dad so much, but he didnt make disliking him
very hard, at least to me. But I didnt want to mar the lovely day outside with the storm
roiling in my head. No time like the present to get to know my surroundings. My room
was in the dorm smack dab in the middle of campus, so everything was close. I had a
clear view of the vast windows of the library and the parking lot, and beyond that, the
trees. They were just tall enough that I couldnt glimpse the water, but I knew the ocean
wasnt far. It was getting there that concerned me. My father hadnt done me the service
of giving me a bike, and there were no proper roads leading directly to the beach.

After wandering for a solid hour, having not found the beach just yet, I meandered back
into my room to find Amanda hard at work on something on her screen. Homework
already? I commented as I walked through the door. I wasnt a very chatty person, but
Amanda was easy to talk to, something Id figured out over the weekend. She liked to
talk a lot. It was just her way. She had a knack for asking the most trivial questions,
and I wasnt used to that. She was interested in my life and what Id done. She was
turning out to be somewhat of a friend.
Yeah, can you believe it? First day! Its just to read something on the syllabus and write
a response to it, but cmon! My lips quirked up in a smile as I watched her train of
thoughts leave the station. I dont know her parents managed to keep such a lid on the
chatterbox she was.
She must have weaved a few questions into her over-dramatic monologue about her math
class, because she was looking at me expectantly as I straightened my bed. Sorry,
what?
I just wanted to know about you.
Oh. I just come from boring Maine. Nothing but lobsters and sea water. It wasnt the
answer she was looking for, but she only turned back to her computer.
I almost laughed as she wailed, Who cares about what I hope to learn in this class?! Its
math! I hope to learn the proper radius of a noose so I can hang myself before the end of
this class.

-Two weeks had passed. It was enough time for friendship seeds to be planted, but
something was choking back the growth. After some not-so-deep introspection, I realized
it was me. By the time night rolled around, I was still awake. I tossed and turned, but the
squeaky frame did nothing to alleviate my thoughts.
Dink, dink, dink.
The rain was knocking at my window and I didnt answer it. After so long of still not
sleeping, I finally decided to screw the weather. I swiped my keys from my desk and
fished for my flip-flops under my bed. Being on the first floor had its advantages: no
damn stairs. The downside was the puddle I stepped in right as I moved outside. My
fleece pant leg was soaked and I didnt care.
I thought about Professor Theodore of all people while I muddled through the rain.
Several times Id asked to meet with her, and I had only gone once to actually see her.
She told me if I was having trouble, I should write or talk to someone about it. Preferably
a therapist, but I wouldnt touch them with a ten foot pole. My mind drifted to the
notebook under my bed. It had everything I wanted to say but no voice behind it.
I walked past the concrete sitting area to the grass surrounding a massive tree. It looked
like itd sat there for centuries, watching over all the students who had ever had the
privilege of wandering under its branches. It protected the squirrels and birds from the
rain, and the leaves might have spared me the skys tears, but I let them smack into me,

each individual drop carrying the weight of the world. The tree was like a mother to the
rest of the world, something I didnt have.
But no one knew. I had thrown the idea around of telling them. Each conversation had
been set up just so I could say it, and nothing came out. I only blamed myself because I
spent so long keeping it hidden.
Why did you go? I whispered, rain streaming down my face. I tasted salt and realized
there were tears too. I hadnt cried since I had seen my mother so perfectly posed in her
casket. The cancer hadnt turned her ugly like it had other patients. Her dark hair was
splayed out on the silk pillow, her delicate hands clean and crossed over her chest. Her
ocean blue eyes, the ones Id gotten from her, were forever closed, never to look upon me
or my father ever again.
Why did you go?! I repeated, louder this time. The rain drowned out my words, but I
still heard it. I still heard the sob that erupted from my chest. I heard the tearing of my
mind as it struggled to shove down the things I had forgotten long ago. I let the stream of
memories flow. Id been happy once, just like my father. But we turned bitter to one
another as the years passed. The worst part was that I was old enough to have
remembered her. Mothers were always amazing in the eyes of their children, but I was
sure my mother had achieved Gods perfection when she had been alive. She knew all the
right words to stop a fight, heal our wounds and bring our whole family together. We
worked as a single functioning unit while she had been around, and now the gears had
been gummed up with hate and sorrow.

You made everything better, Mom. Maybe she could hear me, or maybe she couldnt.
Once I had prayed to her and hoped she was still watching me grow into a normal human
being. I hadnt spoken to her since, and now I regretted it. Maybe shed have sent me a
sign if I hadnt stopped talking to her.
We miss you We both do. Before the rain could chill my bones, I slipped back inside,
giving myself a quick shower to chase the cold from my skin. It wasnt enough to chase
the sadness from my mind.
-Another week of internalizing thoughts and snapping at people who tried to speak left me
upset. I had managed to convince Amanda and Tony to sit down for five minutes and hear
me out since neither one had displayed interest in being around me.
I hadnt told a single other soul about the permanent pain residing in my chest or the rage
I always seemed to aim at my father. I hadnt ever spoken about the way my mother
looked when she was laying on her death bed, still happy to see me, the blue eyes still
shining with love even as she coughed out her last words.

By the time I was done, my story had earned a hug from Amanda and a bears embrace
from Tony. Cmon, you look like you need some food. It was Amandas way of giving
me another chance, one that I didnt deserve.

They have ice cream todaaaay, Tony sang, poking my arm. They led me out the door
before I had to ask them a burning question.
You mean they dont have ice cream every day?
Their laughter echoed off the building and the mother-tree as we walked, and somehow, I
smiled again.
We met several of Tonys friends in the dining hall, all of them filling the typical nerd
stereotype like Tony himself had. However, I quickly discovered they all had his sharp
wit and penchant for referencing pop culture. Several times, I had to have them explain
what they were talking about. They all seemed shocked I didnt know much about
anything. Jake, the boy sitting next to Tony declared they were going to spend the next
semester teaching me what I needed to know. When I asked what that entailed, all I got
was a wink and a creepily spoken, youll see.
Tony then launched off into something about a game, and he even seemed to have
Amanda hooked on his story. It was something about his character managing to blow up
an entire base after an enemy had infiltrated it. Not knowing the first thing about the
game, I was lost.
However, Tony was so dramatic with his arms flailing around and various sound effects
to depict his story that I couldnt help but listen too.

Suddenly, I surprised all of them and even myself by laughing. Tonys story had just
ended so I wasnt interrupting anything, but even if I had, I had derailed his train of
thought.
Fish, are you okay? Amanda asked.
Laughing is something to be concerned about, apparently. I fiddled with my fork.
Yeah, I chuckled. I just didnt expect to be hanging out with people like you. That
must have been the wrong thing to say because I sparked a chorus of derogatory words.
Nerds? Geeks? Untouchables? Casuals?
It seemed the consensus of the table was that not a single one of them had a good
experience being the people they were.
No, you misunderstand me. I meant people who, yknow, actually care and stuff. You
wanted me to hang out with you even if I dont understand half of what youre saying!
Thats not a bad thing. I just mean its a nice change of pace from home. Where I used
to live, I mean.
They were all smiling. Of course! Youre always welcome with us. Were all your
friends here. Her finger circled the table before she noticed shed spilled sauce on her
hand. With a girlish squeal, she scrubbed at her sleeve, earning eye rolls from everyone
else at the table.
You dont have to worry about being by yourself. Not anymore, Tony said, sweeping
his hands out to capture Jake and the other boy sitting beside him in a wide hug, crushing

the two of them into his armpits. He grinned as they struggled before he released them.
They came away gasping profanities and something about the state of Tonys smell. It
was all in jest, and Tony shrugged it off like hed been dealing with it his whole life.
It seemed like something I didnt understand until just then. Shrugging off my moms
death was something I wouldnt ever do, but I could learn to cope. If Tony could do it
while being insulted and jabbed, why couldnt I? My past was of a different magnitude,
but that didnt matter. We were still alike.
I looked around the table at Tony, Jake, Amanda, and the other three boys before I
slapped my hand on my plate. I think its time for some ice cream. Whos with me? The
table cheered, promptly annoying anyone else trying to have a normal conversation.
-I hated surprises, and after a month of finally making friends with the others, I got one.
Walking back from my class with Tony, I laughed as he told some story about his time of
dying in a difficult video game, and then the laughter faded as I saw my father. Tony
followed my gaze and noted my fathers stiff position; like he had a pole stuck up his ass
that replaced his spine. Uh Want me to go? he asked, pointing toward the door.
Yeah, Ill meet up with you later. Thanks. I wasnt looking at him, but I heard his flipflops squeak away. I moved forward, feet shuffling and head down like I was 12 again,
after the news of my mothers death. Hi, Dad. I wish you would have called.

It was spur of the moment, he replied, which was uncharacteristic of my father. He

was about as methodical as a calculator, giving quick and logical answers that were
always right, even if I thought they were wrong.
Well, now youre here. I suppose you need something, otherwise you wouldnt have
driven the hour to get here. I rubbed my shoulder underneath my backpack, but he
caught the motion. Moving to the car, he unlocked it and sat inside, like he was expecting
me to automatically join him. With an internal groan, I popped open the passenger door
and sat down. In silence, he drove out of campus grounds, but after a moment or two of
watching trees whip by, I started to recognize where we were going. Are we going to
?
Yes. The reply was a sword through butter: fast, sharp, and completely unnecessary. I
grumbled and crossed my arms, realized the action was childish, then sat back up. My
father had hardly taken me anywhere since my mother had died.
The beach was beautiful and bright and everything Id ever wanted it to be. Warm sand
glittered with broken bottles and shattered sea shells, and I couldnt help curving my lips
at the sight of it. The water glistened in the sunlight like ten thousand pieces of smooth
glass with white waves crashing on rocks jutting out of the ground, giving the impression
of shark teeth.
I was too deep into my introspection about the beach and I almost missed my father walk
to the sand wall overlooking the beach and sit down. For the first time, I noticed his
attire. He was wearing jeans and a light polo, something he hadnt worn in years. Always

the business man, my father rarely came home in anything but a pressed suit and plain tie.
His job at a law firm had been the whole reason wed packed up and moved. He was the
reason Id left behind what I knew.
I sat down next to him, but I was cautious. My gaze was on the ocean, not on him. Our
feet hung over the side, swinging like fleshy vines on stone trees. I came here to talk,
he said suddenly.
And you couldnt do that over the phone? I mean, I dont know the contract, but Id
say its probably cheaper than gas. I didnt even have to look at him to feel the burning
of his gaze on my face. Sorry. Continue. I wasnt sorry. My father knew how I felt
and I for him.
I realize I havent been the best to you lately. Thats the understatement of the century.
Ive done what I thought was best for you.
Well, its best to do that when you actually know what my interests are. I took the time
to study him while I glared. His hair was graying and wrinkles displayed his age more
than he would ever say. My father wasnt young, but the years had taken their toll on him.
My father cleared his throat. We havent been good to each other since the cancer took
her. Moving has given us a chance to start over, he said, trying to start again.
So you want to forget. My voice was flat. I sounded just like him.
Felicia, you know thats not what I mean

Well, it sure as hell sounds like it! I stood up, brushing sand from my pants. We
moved out here for your job, not to reconcile like a family. If youd wanted that, maybe
you should have tried a little sooner!
He followed my motion but made no move toward me. You arent making this easy, he
said.
Im not? You didnt make it easy for the past seven years! Forget this. Im leaving. Next
time you want to surprise me, bring me a puppy.
-The phone blared in my ear, warning me not to make the call. Itd been a month since
hed sprung his poorly-thought out visit to me, but in the end, I had been the one to end it.
He hadnt tried to contact me since.
Randy Conneway speaking.
Hey, Dad, its me.
Felicia. I didnt expect to hear from you. I assumed you were busy like last time. I
pulled the phone from my ear to take a long, calming breath as he started talking again.
I trust all of your classes are going well?
Yes, Dad, theyre alright. Can I just
Felicia, I hope you realize everything Ive done to help you get there. I had to give a lot
just to see you

Dad! It was my turn to cut him off, but this time, he didnt try to speak like I had. He
waited, but I could almost hear the patience wearing thin in his breath. I could imagine
the stone-cold glare in his eye, the one he always gave me when I tried to work up a good
argument.
Dad, listen. I know you miss her. I do too. I dont want to be angry at you anymore,
Dad. I think I blamed you for a while. I dont know why. I just wanted to say Im sorry. I
know you worked a lot to get me up here, and Im grateful for it. I want to pick my own
major though. Silence met my pause. I know you were just looking out for me. There
was nothing on the other line that I could hear. Dad?
You have one thing right: I miss her. However, Im very busy right now. Perhaps we can
talk about this at a later date? When you wont walk away from me.
Well, it was better than I had expected, considering my abrupt departure at the beach, but
I still flinched at the memory. Yeah. Sorry to bother you, Dad. Talk to you later.
Goodbye Fish.
He hung up and five seconds after the call ended, it hit me that hed called me by my
nickname. The one my mother had given to me all those years ago. She said Id taken to
the water like a little fish. My father had thought the nickname ridiculous but he never
had the heart to tell my mother to stop calling me Fish. It made her happy, and he never
turned down a chance to see her smile.
It also hit me then that neither one of us said we loved each other.