Scottish Labour A Plan for Scotland

Pledge 1 1,000 more nurses for our NHS, funded by a mansion tax

We worked out that 1,000 more nurses are required. Not 900 or 1,100, but exactly 1,000. Isnt that a
neat result? Not sure where they are needed. Probably those places we stand outside for photo
shoots.
Whats more, we will raise the cash from these extra nurses by coming up with a mansion tax. Its
early days, but we reckon the majority of those liable will be English homeowners, most likely in
London. Better Together, eh? You get more nurses and the English get a new reason to dislike you.
Dont worry that the NHS in Scotland is devolved, and the monies in England dont carry over to
Scotland in that way. Its what we call one of those things that politicians can afford to worry about.
You pay us to worry on your behalf. Were here for you. The 74,000 salary and the complicated
expenses system has nothing to do with it.

Scottish Labour A Plan for Scotland

Pledge 2 More powers for the Scottish Parliament including the final say on benefits

Here at Scottish Labour we think that you need more powers, despite campaigning with the Tories
to prevent Scots having all the powers possible. Again it is one of those things. We would like to
explain it all in detail, but Scots probably arent programmed to understand high-level politics.
Despite what you might believe, we do want you to have more powers. We want to ensure that the
level of devolution we gave Scots in 1999 is increased. When we gave you the devolved government
was more to do with wiping out the SNP in Scotland forever. We feel that worked so well, were
going to do more of it...well its logical, isnt it?
Thats why were going to give you the final say on your benefits. When we say final say we really
mean you can take the allocated funding and fiddle with it to your hearts content. Of course,
changes to the amount of funding are our domain, so we can squeeze the SNP in Holyrood, and
blame them for the results. Its what we call one of those things.

Scottish Labour A Plan for Scotland

Pledge 3 Guarantee a job and training for all young people

Thats right. We not only give you the powers to shell out benefits, but well ensure that there will
be no need for them (so pledge 2 is even more pointless), and there certainly wont be the money
for benefits with all the state-funded jobs and training we have planned. Well its not as if we can
just force the private sector to take on all the unemployed, is it?
Lets repeat that. Guarantee a job and training for all young people. We havent a clue how well
deliver this. Thats for others to implement. Were the ideas people at the top of the tree (or is that
the bottom-end of the trough?). To be fair, were not sure how to pay for all this either, what with
free tuition, and other freebies currently in place in Scotland.
Well probably raise taxes, do away with existing freebies, or take the money from others without
their permission. It worked in the past with the pensions raid, the sold gold, and bank bailout.
Actually, if you want a party that takes the difficult decisions of who to rob, we dont worry about it.

Scottish Labour A Plan for Scotland

Pledge 4 1,600 for 18 and 19 year olds who dont have an apprenticeship and dont go
to college or university, to invest in themselves or start a business

Free money? Of course. If in doubt bribe the electorate with free money paid for by...one of the
options mentioned in pledge 3. Youll get around to paying for it in time. Youre still paying for the
last lot.
Here at Labour, we ran out original ideas to positively engage and inspire voters years ago.
Nowadays, we prefer copy our opponents policies and add a sweetener to it. Yes, we sell the same
cakes, but our cakes have more sugar. Lets look at an SNP policy:

So we take that, and call it 1,600 of cash. Its easier to sell fee money, than sell a reasonable idea.

Scottish Labour A Plan for Scotland

Pledge 5 Raise the minimum wage to at least 8 an hour

More free money! Get it while its free. Bear in mind three things before you get too excited.
1. This is over the course of the Parliament. We dont want to mention that too often, as its
harder to sell the idea for 2020 (where averages wages will have gone up by 10-25%, or
2,500 or more).
2. Its so low at present, that the 8 now (as opposed to in 2020) is still not enough to provide a
living wage for many people.
3. We like the minimum wage. As with the NHS, we think it belongs to us, and we get
annoyed when other parties try to make any political capital from it. As a result of this, the
offer by the SNP to have the minimum wage at 8.70 by 2020 is less enticing. Well get back
to you as to why.

Scottish Labour A Plan for Scotland

Pledge 6 Guarantee the Barnett Formula to deliver billions of pounds more for our
schools, hospitals and pensions.

Why should we guarantee the Barnett Formula? Has someone threatened to scrap it? Well not
directly. Some old Tories have said it should happen, but that was in the Telegraph. Others closer to
government have suggested it might happen over time (what doesnt happen over time?).
All bad good things come to an end. Who can tell if Barnett has had its day? If people believe that
the oil is really running out this time, then Barnett is probably at the end of its time. Whats the
point in having Barnett if not to obfuscate how the oil money is taken to London, then given back to
Scots as a sweetener?
Bear in mind that Barnett can go up and down as Westminster sees fit. We at Labour like that. Its
easier to administer Scots money from far away, where we cant hear their complaints. Its one of
those things.

Scottish Labour A Plan for Scotland

Pledge 7 Increase the bursaries for the poorest students by 1,000

Yes, its another 1,000 for another section of society. From the party that promised 1,000 nurses
more than no stated amount by the SNP, we now give you 1,000 to another poor section of society.
Of course, we fail to mention that there is free tuition in Scotland, so the 1,000 bursary is for what
exactly? Lets leave the bit below blank until we pencil in an answer.

Scottish Labour A Plan for Scotland

Pledge 8 No tuition fees for Scottish students

Hey, and while were at it, well pledge no lions, tigers or bears in Scotland either. With there being
no tuition fees already, its easy to pledge. More blank stuff below etc.

Scottish Labour A Plan for Scotland

Pledge 9 Ban exploitative zero hour contracts

Now this is a serious issue. People are working with no job assurance. As a result of this, they cannot
make long-term financial plans, such as securing mortgages or vehicles, so they have more
expensive, less permanent situations in general, such as private renting (handy if youre a landlord
not so handy if you work under such a contract).
We at Labour want to end this sort of thing. Its a complete coincidence that many Labour MPs
employ people on zero hours contracts. Its one of those things again. We would prefer to go back
to the old system, where we employed our family members permanently, or just used freebie
interns. Being a cheap, tight-fisted, mean old scrote is something were actually good at, when it
comes to our own affairs.
We just dont do it with other peoples money.

Scottish Labour A Plan for Scotland

Pledge 10 End the need for food-banks with 175m to tackle the causes of poverty

To end the need for food-banks, were going to have to increase the pot of benefits, and/or give the
people jobs. Bear in mind that in pledges 3 & 4 we were just referring to young people (an undefined
term in this instance is it 18, 21, 25?).
We can raise the benefits, but well need to maintain control of them (breaking pledge 2), or well
need to raise the money via Barnett (which relies on total UK money generated, so unlikely). So we
cant realistically raise benefits to end food-banks needs.
We cant give people jobs, other than public sector jobs (or we can raise taxes). Both add to the
overall bill, so to stop the need for food banks now, we will create a need later. All in all this one has
us stumped. Contact Scottish Labour with the solution. Any other original ideas are appreciated.
Be aware that Scottish Labour is a subsidiary of the Labour Party UK and all final decisions rest with
Ed Miliband under the Westminster system, rather than at Holyrood. Its one of those things.