Faulder, Liane. "Dads and Daughters." Health Issues 8. Ed. Gilda Leitenberg Et. Al.

Toronto, ON: McGraw-Hill

Ryerson, 2002. 74-78.

Dads and Daughters

BY LIANE FAULDER
Erica Weis knows how to push her dads buttons. When hes trying to get into a serious discussion about
career options, the 15-year-old has been known to respond: I dont care about a career. Im going to marry a
rich man.
All I can say is Oh Erica and hope shes just saying that to get under our skin, laughs her father,
Lyle Weis, a writer and executive director of the Writers Guild of Alberta.
Its just those kind of comments, however, that drive the modern dad mad.
These modern-day dads dont want their daughters to count on a man to support them, dont want
their girls to expect some guy in a four-by-four to sweep them away. These dads are committed to raising
daughters who can take care of them selves and hold their own in what is still, in many ways, a mans world.
The real difficulty is that were pioneers in parenting, reflects Murray Armstrong, the father of two
girls, who says parents of daughters are struggling with how to prepare their children for life using a whole new
set of rules and expectations. Armstrong has concerns about what the future holds for his girls Trina, 17 and
Lana, 16.
The same barriers that faced people in my generation are still there for todays women, says
Armstrong, a psychologist at the Lousage Family Institute.
He says girls are still not encouraged to pursue math and sciences in school, subjects which could lead
them into well- paid jobs later in life.
Armstrong is also concerned about the backlash against feminism.
There are many politicians with an attitude that women still belong only in the home. And the whole
attitude towards women as sex objects is still very strong.
What can a father do to help his girls deal with that kind of pressure? How can he make sure they are
able to look at the world around them, which is full of mixed messages about womens roles, and make good
choices?
Armstrong says he and his wife, Donna, have tried hard to equip their girls for life by giving them a
sense of their own power.
Weve made it clear its OK for them to be powerful physically, academically and sexually, says
Armstrong.
In school, he says the girls have always been told that their education was their responsibility. Weve
actually done very little to help with homework over the years.
Physically, Armstrong says the message has been its OK to see yourself as having muscle.
And sexually, Armstrong and his wife have encouraged the girls to enjoy their femininity, but also to appreciate
other styles of dressing and expressing themselves physically.
Being powerful sexually means being comfortable with your own body, says Armstrong, who tries to
foster that attitude with an accepting approach toward the discussion of sexual behavior.
Armstrong says an open and healthy relationship between a father and a daughter can do a lot to
prepare girls for the big, bad, old world.
When a father allows a daughter to challenge him, he gives her permission to feel her own personal
power Inside and that gives her the skills to argue with other males, he says.
But allowing a daughter to challenge her dad is a relatively new approach, and one that more
traditional fathers may be uncomfortable with. Being open to a challenge from your children means making
yourself emotionally available to them, and thats uncharted territory for many dads.
Traditionally, says the author of a new book on daughters and fathers, dads have all but abdicated
their responsibility to raise daughters in an emotional sense.
We all have our mothers in our faces, but fathers are largely absent, said Victoria Secunda during a
phone interview from Colorado while on tour with her new book Women and Their Fathers: The Sexual and
Romantic Impact of the First Man in Your Life.
Dads were expected to bring home a pay cheque and dispense the discipline, according to Secunda
but it was the unusual dad who made himself emotionally available to his children boys or girls.
Secunda says if theres one word that describes the traditional relationship most girls have had with
their fathers that word is distant. And how that distance affects daughter perhaps the least examined and
understood of all familial connections, says Secunda.

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Faulder, Liane. "Dads and Daughters." Health Issues 8. Ed. Gilda Leitenberg Et. Al. Toronto, ON: McGraw-Hill
Ryerson, 2002. 74-78.
Secunda says were still light years away from having most fathers taking an active role in their
daughters lives. And she says thats a problem.
Girls dont feel theyre important if they dont get attention from their fathers, said Secunda. A
loving mother isnt enough to make up for a fathers deficits.
Kathi Kilgour is a sessional instructor in family studies at the University of Alberta who recent ly
completed a masters thesis on fathering. She says there is a lot of talk about dads being more involved with
fathering, but in practice, many dads are still hid ing behind the newspaper.
I dont think for the most part men spend a lot of time with their children, and less so with their
daughters, says Kilgour.
Its not that fathers dont love their daughters... I just dont think they think about (the importance
of their role) as far as their daughters are concerned, she says.
But Kilgour, who did intense interviews with nine fathers about their fathering philosophy as part of her
thesis, says shes hopeful that dads are changing their approach to raising both sons and daughters.
I think fathers are aware that the relationship with their children is something they have to build on
and even though theyre not yet the TV dads they are still making the effort.
She says this is particularly evident in the way fathers are trying to be physically affection ate with
their children. Thats something they never had with their own fathers and they missed it, says Kilgour.
David Hannis broke the traditional father mould when he quit his job as a civil servant to stay home
with his first daughter some 11 years ago.
Hannis was a house dad for three years and says that experience has helped him connect with both of
his girls, Katherine, 11, and Kristina, 9.
Hannis has always encouraged his girls to try new experiences, even when they were toddlers at the
playground. He says his wife used to be distressed when he would allow their youngest to climb way, way up
on the high slide.
I began right there by telling her it was OK to do that stuff, says Hannis, 46, a social work instructor
at Grant MacEwan Community College.
Hannis says he and his wife, social worker Carol Cass, have a strong interest in gender equality.
I never forced Katherine to do anything but I always encouraged her to do the more boyish things.
She played with dolls and stuffed animals and still does. But there was also Lego and shes equally comfortable
with computers and Game Boys, says Hannis.
Hannis says the No. 1 thing he feels girls (and boys for that matter) need to cope in a modern world is a
healthy dose of self-esteem.
Indeed, research on girls and boys shows that while the two sexes have a similar amount of self-esteem
between the ages of seven and 11, by the time girls hit puberty, their self-esteem has begun to nose dive.
Self-esteem is the starting point for me, says Hannis. He tries to instill a feeling of self- worth in his
girls by giving them responsibilities at home and encouraging them to take risks.
Self-esteem comes from having a sense of your competence and not your incompetence, he says.
A girl with good self-esteem and a solid sense of her own place in the world is the sign of a wellfathered daughter, says Victoria Secunda, author of the aforementioned Women and their Fathers.
Secunda says there are other things dads can do for their girls, like teaching them how to expect to be
treated by men.
Ron Nalewajek, an Edmonton engineer, agrees. He hopes a healthy father/daughte relationship will
help his two girls feel positive about how men can treat them, make them feel like they deserve to be treated
well.
I think its important for girls to know there are men in the world who do care that women be treated
equally, say the father of Gina, 11, and Mara,
David Hannis says he hopes hes providing a positive male model for his girls, one that will help them as
they select a part ner in years to come.
I would want my daughter to select men who are socially aware and aware of other peoples needs..
.who are compassionate, nurturing, supportive men who would allow her to become self-actualized and not
crush her into some other role that she wasnt comfortable with.
Lyle Weis says he feels positive about the world that await Erica when she grows up and hopes hes
giving her the tools she needs to succeed.
I would question whether really is a mans world. I think its very much a world thats u for
negotiation. Especially for girls who know what they are doing. I dont mean they become manipulators. They
become navigators, says Weis.

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Faulder, Liane. "Dads and Daughters." Health Issues 8. Ed. Gilda Leitenberg Et. Al. Toronto, ON: McGraw-Hill
Ryerson, 2002. 74-78.
A closing comment from Murray Armstrong, who urges dads to be aware not only of what they can
teach their daughters. . .but what their daughters can teach them.
Raising children Is very threatening because they con front our weaknesses and challenge us to get in
touch with ourselves, he says.
Daughters are often the ones to teach dads about their own feelings.

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