How to Say Anything to Anyone

A Guide to Building Business Relationships that

Really Work
Shari Harley
Greenleaf Book Group 2013
170 pages

Rating

8 Applicability
6 Innovation
7 Style

Focus
Leadership & Management
Strategy
Sales & Marketing
Finance
Human Resources
IT, Production & Logistics
Career & Self-Development
Small Business
Economics & Politics
Industries

Take-Aways
Most people dont know what others including their bosses and co-workers really
think of them and their contributions to the workplace.

Begin every business relationship by inviting the exchange of truthful opinions with
respect to the task at hand and how people perform it.

Specify how youd like to interact with other people before trouble arises.
When you supervise new people, explain how you plan to guide them.
Dont guess how colleagues feel; ask them to share their thoughts and frustrations.
Avoid email. To build relationships and discuss your needs, communicate face-to-face.
When you give feedback, provide clear examples and ask recipients for their thoughts.
Stay calm and stick to the facts when offering feedback. If you are emotional, delay

speaking for 24 hours. Awkward or self-conscious feedback is better than none at all.

Tell employees what you, not others, think about their actions. If you mention other
people, your staffers will tune you out and focus on those who betrayed them.

How others see you is more important than what you say.

Global Business
Concepts & Trends

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Relevance

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What You Will Learn
In this summary, you will learn:r1) How to create honest and supportive business relationships, 2) How to share your
work concerns more openly, and 3) How to give effective feedback.
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Review
Communication consultant Shari Harley says todays workplace lacks crucial candor, and she tells you what to
do about it. Everyone would enjoy healthier business interactions if they spoke their minds honestly and openly,
and knew that their co-workers would do the same. Harley shares several simple steps to help you initiate and
nurture more honest office communication. Her points are quite clear, even when her text proves repetitive.
getAbstract recommends Harleys insightful and useful tips despite whatever initial awkwardness following them
might generate and recognizes that even if you cant be completely honest with absolutely everyone, a more
straightforward workplace remains a worthy goal.
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Summary

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Ask More. Assume
Less.
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The fact is were all a
bunch of wimps. Even
our closest friends
dont speak up about
the things we do that
disappoint them. They
dont want to cause
conflict, hurt our
feelings or damage the
relationship. But when
someone does not speak
up, the relationship is
damaged anyway.
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How to Establish Candid Relationships

Create a platform for honest relationships from the moment you start to work with someone.
Take these steps to create a pattern of candor:
Set expectations Lay the groundwork with your co-workers before problems
arise. Let everyone know you want positive working relationships. Discuss roles and
responsibilities, and explain how you plan to interact. Mutually agree to exchange open,
honest feedback and to not take anything personally. Decide how often these talks will
take place and who will run them. Even if youve worked with several co-workers for a
while, your relationships can be more open. Welcome their concerns and explain that you
would like them to be open to your feedback, as you will be open to theirs. Encourage
everyone to speak up if a project goes awry. Tell your staffers to let you know if you
overstep the boundaries you set. This conversation helps limit the misunderstandings
that can derail working relationships. Periodically touch base with others about your
performance. Priorities change; what you agreed on long ago may no longer fit.
Understand the consequences of insufficient expectations Clearly detail your
expectations at the very start or expect to become aggravated. Jeff was a member of a
project team. He was always late, gossiped instead of working and wasted time surfing
the Internet. Other group members were furious, but no one confronted Jeff or reported
him to the head of the project. Jeff would have behaved differently if, at the very first
meeting, the team explained each assigned task and decided what to do if anyone didnt
pull his or her weight.
Prepare for things to go wrong Anticipate potential problems and try to avoid them
by using planned preventions. For example, tell everyone at the start of your meeting to
silence their cellphones and not check their email. This prevents undesired interruptions
and helps everyone focus. A fallback is the consequence participants accept ahead
of time. Consider making a latecomer rule. Anyone entering a meeting after it starts must
place a dollar in a jar to pay for a drink at happy hour later.
Ask about working-style preferences Are your co-workers comfortable with faceto-face interactions? What time of the day works best for them? If something comes up,

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You are in charge of
your career success and
satisfaction.
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Taking the time to
ask about another
persons working-style
preferences is a rapport
builder. Emailing a
list of questions is not.
Asking these questions
is as much about having
the dialogue as it
is about getting the
information.
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Starting relationships
by giving permission to
give you feedback may
feel a little weird...The
important thing is to
get out in front of your
relationships.
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If you want to be
sure people get really
defensive, give vague
feedback.
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should you schedule a meeting, drop by unannounced or phone? When something urgent
happens, can you interrupt them? If an issue arises during non-working hours, can you
call before or after work and until what time in the evening? What working behaviors
get on their nerves? How do they tend to act when irritated? Discuss these questions in
person, never via email. Face-to-face discussions build your relationships.
How to Create Candid Managerial Relationships
Tell your employees your expectations from the start. When you supervise new people,
explain how you plan to guide them. State that you will share positive and negative feedback
to help them achieve work-related goals. Being open builds trust.
Be careful about making assumptions or failing to communicate. Author Shari Harley
accepted a position as a representative for a training firm. She didnt know a lot about
selling, but she was willing to move to Fort Collins in northern Colorado. About a month
after her move, her boss, who was based on the other side of the state, called her. He was
angry. He wanted to know why Harley wasnt attending weekly meetings in his office.
Harley told him that she was busy setting up things in Fort Collins and her boss said, Its
very clear I cant trust you. Harley was apparently supposed to stay near him to complete
three months of training. No one had told her that. Her boss assumed that she knew and
had defied him.
Candor Questions
Set aside a 90-minute meeting or two 45-minute meetings to ask new staff members the
following questions. Heed their responses. If you dont have time for all of the questions,
focus on the first two: 1) Name three things that would entice you to stay with the
company. 2) Name the one thing that might make you leave. 3) Name three things you
need to feel fulfilled in a position. 4) What is your favorite activity? 5) What would you
like to do, but have never done? 6) Name one or more skills youd like to strengthen.
7) Do you prefer to have your efforts touted publicly or privately? 8) Where do you see
yourself in one year or in three years? 9) Why did you take this position, and what do
you hope to achieve? 10) What worries you? 11) What do you do when you feel frustrated
and need support? 12) What can I tell you about myself? 13) What else would you like to
share about yourself? Close with: Any other questions?
A Strong Start
As you offer new staff members details about their job, unit of the company and work group,
context. Team members need details that help them navigate how things work in your
organization. You provide this type of insider information, for example as someone joins
your family for a holiday meal when you say, My dad cant hear out of his left ear, so
make sure you always speak into the right one. Or, Uncle Al is a die-hard Mets fan, so
dont mention the Yankees if you want dessert. When you share information that senior
managers already know, you grant new workers a strong start.
When Harley first met her new boss, he shared no insider or contextual information. After
several weeks, Harley was stunned to discover that a new co-worker detested her. The coworker cornered Harley outside the conference room and screamed, Just who the hell do
you think you are coming in here and! The list consisted of tasks Harley had been hired
to do. She learned that the angry woman thought she should have gotten Harleys job
even though no one else agreed. This tense situation could have been avoided if someone
told this worker that she was wrong for the position and would never get it. Harley would
have proceeded with greater care had she known how her disgruntled co-worker felt.

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Violating a managers
expectations, even
expectations she
hasnt shared, creates
awkwardness and
frustration from which
it can take months, if
not years, to recover.
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Set expectations
with your internal
and external clients
at the onset of your
working relationships.
Rather than expecting
everything in
your office to go
well, assume that
breakdowns will
happen and plan for
them.
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Did you know that
99.9% of employee
turnover is predictable?
If an employee quits
and his manager is
surprised, the manager
doesnt know his
employee as well as he
thinks he does.
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Effective Managers Ask for Feedback

Few managers ask for staff feedback. Ask your staff members for their feedback to earn
their loyalty. Occasionally, invite your employees to share what they find helpful about your
management style. Ask for candid feedback at performance reviews. Find out how your
employees feel about the way you direct the staff. What they would like you to do more
frequently or less often? Communicate how much you value your relationship with your
employees. Faced with this rare behavior, top employees may think twice before leaving
to work somewhere else.
Managing Up with Candor
Your relationship with your manager has a significant impact on your success. Seek to help
your manager shine in the eyes of his or her superiors. Ask your manager to comment
on your efforts. Are your reports adequate? How can you make your information more
accessible? Should you incorporate visual aids?
If you take over someone elses job, seek them out and ask for background on the position.
What was its original purpose? Why did the other person leave? What prompted the
company to appoint a new person at this specific time and not sooner? Within your job, find
the areas your manager cares deeply about. Then, if your boss asks for updates or attempts
to work on those areas, you wont feel micromanaged.
Strong Workplace Relationships
Learn the organizations politics and unwritten rules. Know your company calendar and
dont take time off during the most hectic period of the year. Ask questions; dont wait to be
told. Explore the workings of every department, including your own. Recognize how your
unit and other departments affect one another. For example, Harley learned at a division
meeting that another department was working on a task she had been focusing on for at
least two months the two groups could have combined their efforts. Stay proactive to
avoid unpleasant surprises.
Delicate Situations
A friend asked a vice president of a company why his position appeared on a job-search
website. Thats how the VP learned that he was about to be replaced. The company wanted
to fill the spot without delay, and they advertised it before notifying the VP himself. Today,
you can be fired and never know it.
In another company, Sarah complained to Anns boss about Anns poor managerial
capabilities. The boss fired Ann as Sarahs manager. This could have been avoided had Ann
asked Sarah what she should know about Sarahs division, what had recently transpired
there, what was working and what was not, and how her teams were collaborating.

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If you want to take
charge of your career,
invest time in your
business relationships.
Ask questions about
what people need, want
and are expecting from
you. Its that simple.
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How others see you is more important than what you say. Dont assume that all is well
just because no one says otherwise. Stay gracious and remember to say thank you. Your
appreciation will always motivate others.
Gossip undermines relationships. Be true to your word, honest and forthcoming. If a
situation deserves an explanation, provide an accurate one. You dont have to tell your
employees everything. But if you dont comment on major events, workers will busy
themselves with counterproductive explanations of their own. For example, if John leaves
the company and no one in authority explains why, rumors may circulate about illicit affairs
or theft.

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Provide feedback when someone wants to know what you think or when you want to help
someone improve their work habits. But also know when to shut up. Dont say anything
when you are upset and want to vent; when you dislike someone and need to let him or her
know; or when you arent asked to review co-workers, but you think they should hear your
opinion, too. Never embarrass a co-worker in front of others.
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Savvy employees know
that they also manage
their bosses. When we
dont manage upward,
our careers stagnate.
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Gossip is talking
about another person
so as to alter how
others think about that
person.
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Gossiping breaks
trust.
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The Feedback Formula

Use eight steps to express your thoughts in two minutes or less:
1. Open your talk with a description of what you plan to discuss and your purpose.
2. Consider your staff members feelings.
3. Describe the observed behavior.
4. Describe the impact or result of the actions.
5. Ask your staff member what he or she thinks about the issue at hand.
6. State how you think the problem should be handled in the future.
7. If follow-up steps are required, agree on those steps.
8. Say thank you.
Remove the Emotion and Deal with the Facts
Keep your feelings to yourself and be direct. Dont dance around an issue. Be concise
and use words such as, Ive noticed. Stick to your personal observations. If you begin
by quoting what someone else has said about your staff members, you will provoke a
defensive reaction and make it harder for them to hear you. While you are trying to share
information, theyll be wondering who betrayed them.
Practice the 24-Hour Guideline and the One-Week Rule
Never wait longer than a week to discuss an event. Take 24 hours before you bring up
particularly troubling situations. Dont rush the discussion. Dont instigate a conversation
when your co-worker or staffer has to deal with other crises. Keep your comments to a
minimum and discuss only a few items at a time. Your conversation must remain private.
Dont hesitate to give feedback. Better to say something all wrong than to avoid the topic
all together.
Dealing with Difficult Situations
Even with honest feedback, some co-workers will still be difficult. Solicit help. Bring in
someone to intervene. If your boss doesnt comment about your work, invite trusted
colleagues to do so. If you get promoted over former co-workers, name the game: In oneon-one talks, share how awkward the new situation is for you and let each person know
you want to have a positive working relationship. Invite each to share how it feels to have
you as a manager.
If a former co-worker wont accept your authority, run through the feedback formula steps
above. If you offer comments to a worker and nothing changes, point out the misbehavior
every time it recurs. If a worker cries after you give feedback, suggest taking a break and
offer to return to the discussion later.

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About the Author

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Consultant Shari Harley founded Candid Culture, a firm that teaches honest communication.
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