12 Safety Rules for Every Family

It's a big world out there. When your child was a baby or toddler, you were always
there, or you left your child in the care of a trusted, nurturing adult. But as your
child gets older, you'll be holding his or her hand less and less. You're bound to
worry a bit about safety. And when kids begin to navigate the sidewalks or even
public transit themselves, it can be positively nerve-wracking.

Every parent's nightmare is that phone call with the news that something has
happened to her child. Rest assured that despite the prominent publicity that
accompanies tragedies, they are very rare. And even more encouraging, experts
say that most abuse cases, abductions, and even accidents involving children can
be prevented if parents and children know what to do to prevent them.

So here you are, a baker's dozen list of Family Safety Rules that every parent can
implement, that really will help you to keep your child safe as you let go of his hand.

1. Prioritize your child. The best way to keep your kids from being abused by
predators, bullied, using drugs, becoming sexually active before they're ready -virtually every risk factor you can think of -- is to maintain close relationships with
them. Eat dinner together as many nights as you can. Make sure you have one on
one time -- unstructured, to see what bubbles up and help your child express
emotions and problems -- with each child every day, preferably for 15 minutes. Plan
"Special Time" with each child as often as you can, and at minimum every week,
which means unstructured one-on-one time that they decide how to use (this isn't
for homework or reading to them). If you notice that your child is defiant or distant,
make it your highest priority to re-connect.

2. Every child should know how to SWIM. And be sure your child knows NEVER to
dive into water that she has not already personally established to be deep and safe.

3. When your child goes to someone's house on a playdate, be sure you know the
family, and watch your child for cues about what's happened. Get to know the
parents at households where your child spends time. Talk to him about what goes
on at his friends' houses. Are the kids unsupervised on the computer? Allowed to
stroll up to the store alone? Would he be able to recognize if his friend's mother

was drunk? Would he know what to do if his friend's father touched him
inappropriately? What if his friend suggested they look at porn, or get down his
dad's gun, or play a new "secret" game involving touching or sniffing markers?
Teach your children to leave any room and house immediately if a gun appears
loaded or not. (Oops, I just remembered I have a dentist appointment!) Guns don't
give second chances.

4. The best way to keep children from being bullied is to make sure they have high
self esteem and strong relationships at home and with peers. Bullies prey on
children whom they perceive to be vulnerable, including needy children who are so
desperate for peer acceptance that they continue to hang around a group of peers
even when one of the group leaders begins to mistreat them. Role-play with your
child how he can stand up to a bully by saying that he will not let anyone abuse
him, and then waking away. Kids need to be reassured that there is no shame in
being frightened by a bully, in walking away, or in telling an adult and asking for
help. Bullying situations can escalate, and saving face is less important than saving
their life. For more on protecting your child from bullying, see Bully-proofing Your
Child.

5. Listen to your kids and respond to their needs. "Every time you respond to your
child's cry of hunger or pain or discomfort, you raise a child who knows he will be
heard."say safety experts Ric Bentz and Christine Allison. Children who feel heard
and taken seriously are much more likely to stick up for themselves, to fight back,
and to ask for help.

6. Teach your child that every part of her body covered with a swimsuit is private,
belonging only to her. The statistics are that one out of every three girls will have
suffered some unwanted sexual touching by the time she is sixteen. But dont
assume only girls are sexually molested, the stats for boys are almost as bad, one
out of six. Every child should have (and be regularly read) books like My Body
Belongs to Me by Jill Starishevsky. Teach your child that no one--no adult, no child,
NO ONE--should ever touch her in ways that make her uncomfortable. According to
the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children, someone the child knows
and trusts usually perpetrates child molestations. Children are routinely told to stay
away from strangers, but they need to understand what inappropriate behavior is
from someone they know and trust. So it's MUCH more important to teach your
child never to keep secrets of any kind, at all, ever.

If you hope your child will be able to stand up for herself in an abuse situation, it's
critical that she be allowed to make her own decisions about who touches her body
from an early age. Raise your child with the house rules that "We ask people before
we touch their body" and "When someone says STOP!, we stop." Don't "steal" kisses
or hugs if your child says no. Never force your child to be touched by a relative or
friend if she doesn't want contact. She must be respectful, and you can ask her to
blow Grandpa a kiss instead of giving a hug, but she must be in charge of her own
body.

7. Teach your child that in your family, no one ever keeps secrets. Molesters usually
begin "grooming" by seducing kids into complicity with mild secrets: "Don't tell your
mom I gave you candy." Your child needs to know that anytime anyone asks her to
keep a secret, she is to tell you immediately. In fact, I often hear that another child,
older in years or experience, is the one who "teaches a secret game" to a child, with
tragic results. Make sure your child knows he can tell you anything, and that you will
love him no matter what he's done.

8. Teach your child that most people are okay, but there are a few people out there
who do bad things, and could hurt her. She needs to be told explicitly that it is more
important to stay safe and to trust herself than to be polite. It is okay for her to
question, disobey, and even run away from someone whose behavior is making her
acutely uncomfortable. Predators give signals; your child just needs your support to
trust herself in reading them. Teach your child what constitutes improper behavior
on the part of an adult, for instance, that it is inappropriate for adult strangers to
offer children treats or to ask them for directions, and their reaction should be to
walk away immediately, and always to fight back and shout "Help me! This is not
my parent!" If she's in a public place and needs help, she should run to a mother
with a child, who can generally be counted on to help.

9. Dont leave your child with anyone, even your boyfriend, unless you completely
trust him. The good and bad news about abuse is that most of it, statistically, is not
perpetrated by strangers. It happens at the hands of family members or the
mother's boyfriend. Almost all the rest is perpetrated by trusted intimates such as
coaches, religious leaders or teachers. Bad news? Yes, these are people your child
trusts. But its good news because its a risk you can usually avoid, if you trust your
instincts and pay attention to your child. This is just one of the many reasons that
stepparents should never have the responsibility of disciplining their partner's
children.

10. Cars are dangerous. If you are transporting a little one in the back of your car,
train yourself to check the car before you get out to be sure your child is out of the
car, so you don't space out and forget a sleeping child -- horrible, but we're sleepdeprived parents and every year, babies and toddlers die in cars because we go on
autopilot. Train your child to buckle up. Teach her to get out of any car immediately
if the driver is drunk. Role play with her what she can say to get out of the car and
to a safe place. (Im carsick! I'm going to throw up! Stop the car quick!) Make sure
that she knows she can always call you for a ride regardless of the situation. Once
she starts driving, make sure she hears any personal stories you have about kids
who've died in car accidents; that story could keep her alive. Car accidents are the
leading cause of death among teens.

11. When your child begins using public transit, ease into it. First, travel with him.
Then, stay near him but let him travel "alone." Then, let him travel with a friend.
Role play like crazy: What happens if he and his friend get separated? What if
someone pulls a knife and asks for his money? (Yes, this happened to my 13 year
old.) What if his cell phone falls on the subway tracks? What if some guy stares at
him and it gives him the creeps? Buy him a cell phone and have him call you before
he gets on the bus and after he gets off. Be sure he doesn't use his phone or other
electronics en route; they make him a target.

12. The best way to keep your child safe is to help him develop good judgment.
There is no substitute for supervision and knowing what's going on in your child's
life, but as your child becomes increasingly independent, he'll need to be aware of
his own instincts about what's safe, and follow them. Unfortunately, the brain of a
teen is primed to be influenced by peers, so he can easily override that "still, small
voice within" if all the other guys are doing something risky. Daredevil behavior is
bad enough in a six year old, but in a sixteen year old it can be deadly. Help your
child develop god judgment (here's a whole article on how) and social intelligence,
so he can resist the lure of social pressure when he needs to.

13. Talk with your kids constantly -- and listen more than you talk. Listening keeps
you connected and helps your child feel safe. But it also helps your child talk to you
more, and when you get kids talking about something, they're thinking about it. So
introduce topics that will help your child think, reflect, and develop good judgment.
Ask questions, like: