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been struggling with this career dilemma for several months and that,
finally, a friend of hers had insisted that she contact me.
Sue is a first-generation Slovakian American who married immediately
after graduating from high school and, with her husband, built a very
successful auto parts operation. After 16 years of managing this business,
Sue realized she would like to attempt to earn a college degree. Despite
her husband's objections, she started a degree program in interior design.
She had completed 3 years of the degree program when she became pregnant with her first child and chose to drop out ofcollege. Her little girl was
born with several chronic health problems. Because of these problems,
Sue's husband believed the little girl could not be his child. He soon became physically abusive toward Sue and one day he held a gun to her head
and threatened to kill her. It was at this point that Sue ran away with her
daughter to a woman's shelter and filed for divorce. The divorce process
accentuated the conflict with her husband and initially erupted into very
hostile confrontations between the two. Out of these intense conflicts and
confrontations, however, Sue was able to forge a new direction and passion for her life-a new narrative that she expresses below.
walked. That's what mediation really is; it's just hearing people talk. It's
not about making judgments or telling them what to do; it's about listening. Often I'll have to ask a client, "Did you hear what she just said? Did
you really hear what she just said?" And by doing that, a lot of times for
the first time, they're actually hearing what they're saying. Really hearing. I tell most of my clients my favorite ultimate saying, and this you can
put down as a quote, "You've been doing things one way, and the way
you've been doing things so far hasn't worked. You need to do something
different than what you've been doing in the past, because what you've
been doing in the past hasn't worked." That's basically it in a nutshell.
Most people fear doing something different.
I believe that each of us has a unique story to tell. In each of our lives,
we have adversity that either consumes us or we learn from it. When we
learn from it, I call that kind of insight a moment of enlightenment. It's
when people begin to realize that they could be a better person if they
could only get beyond whatever is happening. Making something like
that happen for someone will satisfy me for a week.
Sue's Moment of Enlightenment
I can give you an example of enlightenment from one of my very first
mediations. It probably made the biggest impact on me. I had this couple
who had been divorced 10 years prior to our appointment. But they were
still as bitter as ever with each other. The guy looked like Grizzly Adams.
He was all hair! And both he and his ex-wife were super negative! My
first impression was "Oh! My God! What did I get myself into?" But, I
just ignored their negative behavior and I went about my business.
[Sue went on to describe every session with these two clients as if it
were taking place right there in the room. In the fifth and final session, as
she described it, something happened.]
So (Sue pauses), something was said, I'm not really sure what was said,
but he turned toward her and looked directly at her and said, "I think this
needs to be said. I realize now that our divorce was not your fault. It was
my fault for my drug and alcohol abuse. And you stood by me as long as
you could."
(Sue uses herfingers to wipea tearfrom her eyes asshe is talking and picksup
a tissue.)
The woman fell apart crying! I was crying! He was crying! This big,
burly, scary guy was crying! And I'm like, oh boy, what's happening
here? I need to keep control of this. I'm the one that needs to keep this in
line. And the ex-wife looked at him and said, "That's all I ever wanted
from you, was for you to admit that it wasn't my fault that I couldn't
keep our family together."
I've got goose bumps! It was just so intense, so healing, and so rewarding. That's the moment that I knew I had chosen the right field. I knew
that there was a better way to do things. Divorce didn't have to happen
the way I had experienced it, and now I could change that for others too.
In any situation now, I take a step back and I try to find out the story
before I make any judgments. That's a way oflife. It's not just something
that I do in mediation. It's not just something I do at home because of
my daughter's condition or whatever. It becomes a way oflife, of thought
processing. It's something you have to learn how to do and that takes
The Career Development Quarterly
293
checked into graphic design jobs, but without the degree and because
technology has changed so much, there's no way.
I guess, I still hold to the ideal that my good character and reputation
are worth far more than any dollar amount. For once that's gone, I don't
think there is anything else. If for no other reason, at least I want to show
my daughter that it isn't always easy to do things the right way, and
sometimes it costs you dearly, but in order for me to put my head on that
pillow and sleep easy, that's what I think I need to do.
I suppose that for most of my life I have always felt that I didn't want to
be where I was, but I didn't know what should be different to get me
somewhere else. But finally, when I come to a place when I am satisfied
with where I am and what I'm supposed to do, I don't think I can keep
doing it. At least, doing it their way.
Conclusion
Sue sits waiting expectantly. She has openly shared the narrative of her life,
her career, and her crisis. Now, it is the counselor's chance to respond.
The next two articles are examples of such responses. Two experts first
conceptualize and then respond to Sue's case. The first uses a constructivist
approach, whereas the second uses the framework ofSelectiveOptimization
With Compensation. Both articles can serve as templates for how to conceptualize, investigate, and intervene with Sue and other similar career clients.
References
Brown, D., & Brooks, L. (1996). Introduction to theories of career development and
choice: Origins, evolution, and current efforts. In D. Brown & L. Brooks (Eds.),
Career choice and development: Applying contemporary theories to practice (3rd ed.,
pp. 9-10). San Francisco: Iossey-Bass,
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