Number One, Fall 198
CONTENTS
Noies to our readers
5 Esther’s Story: 1960, by Joan Nestle
ysteria, by Pamela Powe
photograph by Sally Denison
by Annette Martin
The Lesbian Herstory Archives Welcomes CLILL
The Bar, by Tamar Raine
*Pool Table Still Life 1," drawing by Rosemary Anderson
They Are Trying to Kill Us (but it’s for our own good)
by Kelly
By the Grace of God (the Goddess Isis)
by Lou Blackdykewomon
Including Ourselves in the Future: White Lesbian
Anti-racism, by Tracy Moore and Terry
Somebody's Childhood, by Anne Lee
Doris, by Marilyn Woodsea
Diane, by Beverly Smith
How to Edit Your Letters and Journals
Affecting Our Lives: The Importance of Oral History to
Lesbians, by Cindy Cleary
Four Stories by Jacqueline Elizabeth: Polaski’s Kid, Grit,
Bar Dykes, Being a Lesbian
"Our Vacation 1963 Hawaii,” drawings by Lisa Schoenfiel
Driving Cab, by Michelle Brody
The Fileclerk, by Diane Stein
Ann Hubard
Networking for CULL.
Information to Lesbians Submitting Work
tog Editing
Biographical notes tiling, Photographers
biographies appear on page 78
Cover by Lisa SchoenfieldDoris, even with her blackened eyelashes and puff of bleached.
amazed me that her radiance was lost in the crowd at Irving
High School, ‘She never stood a chance of being chosen a class
testy potasse besatne... somehow she was brended
eligible, as not one of the elite.
arene ies that day-and 90 other days before and after ii)
was aware of Doris in a way L usually only was aware of boys. 1 |
remember her black short-sleeved cotton blouse and how the
paleness of her nicely rounded arms stood out against it, the
sure grace of her movements. What did we talk about? Surely
not my interests in classical music, theater, and Jim, She seemed
to have no boyfriend and the "fine arts” were simply not a part ,
of her life, [imagined her driving at night with other girl
maybe to Dallas or out to the lake, laughing in the dark.
‘After high school so many brilliant fireworks sputtered sadly
down toearth, And soI wonder about you, Doris, Did you marry
avwelderora Navy man, settledown and have Kids?
Paiphlesiitergée ous caaght ip’ in myauininecs j
work, my own senior year, my relationship with Jim. And the |
adjusting to typing jobs, to marriage. Finally divorce, making
it on my own (learning to drivel), coming out as a lesbian. From |
time to time our short friendship has skimmed the edges of my | wrongand when did it start to happe
memory. :
Tis spring again, a spring 17 years later. Tm sitting undera
blossoming apple tree, all the way across the orchard from the |
blonde hair, was unmistakably a true-hearted angel. In fact it” diane
by Beverly Smith
Imade these selections from my journal two years ago in re:
sponse to Diane's remark that perhaps { was misiaken in believing
that I had sexual feelings for her. I put these excerpts together
toclarify for myself and for her what I had felt. Since that tire
Thave thought of this mare and more as a piece of writing 10 be
shared with other women. However, the decision to publish it
was.a difficult one. f offer it as affirmation
of our lives as lesbians.
id documentation
0978 Bas Pm
Ijust came back from the Bessie Smith meeting.* I was nom
inated coordinator from now until the concert. I'm going to get
paid and I feel pretty good about this. My physical condition
doesn't allow for great enthusiasm. Also perhaps my emotional
state.
Things are difficult with Pat. I'm trying to figure out what's
Twant to get back to the analysis I was doing, The other piece
of this is that I'm feeling very attracted to Diane. T'm going a bit
huts over it. The catalyst was that she brought me a beautiful
crescent of cabins where I live with six other wimmin who shar | present on Friday. A quilt appointment calendar. I've been at-
c eo
this land. I think of you today, Doris, and that heady tasted! ,
freedom I glimpsed in you. May you be fulfilled and happy.
May our thoughts meet again, spanning miles, spanning time.
iarllyn Woodsea: Long struggle to survive within the patriarchy ka
rmunally in Southern Oregon, Iam slowly healing, and participatingia
the creation of ways of living together that encourage our true selie)
instead of stifling them,
tracted to her for some time, ie, I remember fecling that way
March when we worked with Artemis on the Sweet Honey
concert, For example, I remember Lorraine talking about going
tothe bar with Diane, and feeling envious of that experience.
won78 40 am
I feel like I'm losing it. I went through several changes be
hind Diane tonight. Most of them at the end of the meeting,
Demita, Diane and Emily were sitting together on the couch.
Lisa and I went over to talk with Diane and Emily about tickets .
for the shelters and Demita commenced to run her fingers
| through Diane's hair. If that wasn't bad enough, when Lisa and
“The Bessie Smith Memorial Production Collective produced The Varied
Voices of Black Women concerts in Boston, Featuring Black lesbian
feminist musicians Gwen Avery, Mary Watkins and Linda Tillery, and
|) poct Pat Parker.
7°went to talk with Mereedes in the dining room I saw Demita
enti atic ‘sine Kitchen, Who knows what to conclude
butt drove me nuts. Thardly have any sense ofthe discussion
onthe tickets. Tm going to see Bonnie tomorrow. Thank the
goddess for that. Tim trying to figure out why Tim attracted
Diane and what it means in general, has meant for me to be at
tracted to various women, The relationship with Pat seems so
bank. Tm thinking about how I admire Diane because of her
ability, her competence, her capacity for work. I realize
attractive I found this a wi
717, ed slash. One thing realized that L want is espe
for my work and I get the distinet impression Pat has no grasp
of the significance of these politics we are creating. Tve had ,
hints of this several times and it made me crazy.
saq8 1215 AM i
aR what [like more than anything i falling in love. ae
carly exciting times. The problem is I don't know about a whole
lot else, Ive never had the chance to build a relationship. Wit
both Brenda and Pat it’s been so partial, Brenda's Gloria, Pats
tery Bia tray ne we were going to the post office on
man Square. Barbara said later that she thought Diane wat
cute and she didn't know yet whether she was nice, We then |
had a discussion of Diane's fuzzy, wrong hait and of Barbara
wrong hair. (Also there was some totaly irrelevant mention |
my own hair if [remember correctly.) Barbara has expressed)
negative feelings about Diane early on. 1 think I ld oil
‘ether she's “nice” or not—she brought me
ae sheaber Barbara said last Friday that she thou |
Diane liked me Sy \
the te |
wanted to write two things. One is that I finished 1]
WEE ole Her and the other is that I feel incredibly lucky |
to be working as the coordinator for this length of time. Ia
many ways it's like a dream. \
et il reason. Demite |
Tim feeling depressed for a rather stupid reason. (
called me this evening to ask for Diane’s phone number. T was |
really disgusted, One thing T realized in trying to figure |
‘why I felt so bad is that of course I'm afraid she's interested i
60
Diane. Where would I get that idea with Demita saying aft
Monday's meeting, out of a clear blue sky to Diane, "Has anyone
told you how cute you are?” Something like that. Diane pro-
ceeded to get even cuter by blushing deep red and walking out
of the room, Then of course she “hung out” with Diane arid Emily
that night.
I just had a flash that it seems I have a lot of evidence of some-
thing. I wonder whether Demita's making it a point to make
sure I'm aware, I was just struck by the worst thought or one
ofthe worst. What if they're already involved. Lord.
What I'm very aware of is some things about Demita that
drive me crazy and upset me greatly. When I think of her spend-
ing time with them on Monday night it seems like it’s so typical
other ability to ease her way intoa situation. I've seen it count.
less times. ‘The flirting, the great interest in somos
The effortless touching.
‘Adeep underlying fear that I have is that I can't have anyone
to whom I'm real attracted. I mean I can't decide "Tm interested
in that woman” and end up getting involved with her. I have d
real lousy record in this department. In fact I've never been
successful, ever. So the new rule is that I can have sexual re-
lationships but not with women whom I choose. Besides the
negative pattern I'm frightened that maybe I get interested in
‘women who are wrong forme. Oh shit. I'm tired ofall thio.
ro14g8
1 was just lying in bed thinking about what it means to be at-
tracted to white women, to find white women physically at
tractive. I realized that it's kind of as if Ive come out on the other
end. For much of my life white women were by definition beauti-
ful. Black women who were, were usually those who looked
most like white women. Then things began to change as a result
of the Civil Rights movement, the Black Power movement and
the conceptualization of Black pride. The phrase "Black is beauti
ful*is so incredibly revolutionary. [used to worry that I didn’t
teally believe it, better that I couldn't see it, the beauty. I re
member a woman at school, Ingrid, who was in a class behind
me. She was very dark and one of the loveliest women I had
ever seen. I remember feeling really good, feeling really relieved
that I felt she was beautiful. The reason I started writing was
to try to put together some thoughts about being able to see
that Black women were beautiful, and becoming a lesbian, That’
somehow I know it was a crucial step in the process, Some
mne’s activities,
6hing about really seeing women and the first ones I had the
courage to see were Black women. I mean because I wanted
to find their beauty I studied Black women's faces, and I know
this wes a very lesbian experience. (I want to put this next in
harsh brackets, not even soft parentheses. I want to record
vihat was behind these thoughts. Twas thinking about being a.
tracted to Diane Sabin, a white woman, what that means. 1
really feel that particularly for me to accept and feel the beauty
bf a white woman I have to feel fairly good about her as a per. ,
‘son, I don't let a white woman's beauty make a deeper impact
‘on me until Tm more sure that she's anti-racist. It's like I re
fuse to see white women, really see them, until I feel comfortable
with them, It feels good to have written this out because now!
have a hint of why I'm attracted to Diane and it doesn't feel super
ficial. I think I broke out of the brackets too. id
( love that phrase “breaking out,” it's really powerful an
resonant.)
TRB intomnia. got his out try to write bow the way
our being lesbian women affects the concert work. We “7 i”
‘very manic Bessie ‘Smith meeting here yesterday and one of t
things we discussed was whether we should come out in our
collective statement on the program. Another painful discussion |
in some ways. [hate the self-denial because I know that oneof |
the reasons we can work together is because we're lesbians.
It's a bond that perhaps makes it possible for us to accomplish }
this although we are Black, Third ‘World and white: ‘women. x
affection we feel is part of our woman-identification. The solk
darity results from our shared oppression as women and as
lesbians.
lovember 16,
ae roe aka, just thought about being this tired ony |
birthday and realized that I must have been exhausted 32 year |
ago too, so it’s okay.) I got about four hours of sleep and hart }
Ghied a lot, Ti’s Diane. What to say. I'm going to cry again, am |
Crying. Tare about her so much. No, perhaps that isn't it. |
mean I care about her caring for me, That is, when I think
what I want from her .. . Let me start over. When I think d
her I think of what I want from her more than what I want for
her. I think that's okay. [also think, as I said to her last night
that it’s symbiotic. }
e
Lam very scared. To name the fear. I am scared of how
much I want her in my life. I'm afraid of her not being available
tome, I'm afraid of how much I need her. I'm afraid of "things"
going wrong. I'm even afraid of being disillusioned about her.
Tthink I'm also crying because I'm not sure we will have a
sexual relationship. I think she’s not interested in that kind of
relationship with me right now. I also know I've got to sort out
how I feel about her sexually. I know I'm attracted to her but i
interests me that I don't fantasize a lot about making love with
her. Actually I do, but in very fleeting instances, my mind veers
away. Of course I know some of the fears. Of my physical im-
perfections and of my inhibitions. 1 know I want ‘o touch her
and do. Yesterday at the mecting I imagined putting my hand
onher throat, on the "V* of her throat outlined by her plaid shirt.
Why Icried last night. (Before I went to sleep.) I thought of
two things. One is how much I want to tell her about me. My
old concept of telling all my stories. The other is that I feel she
really wants me to grow. She doesn't see me as finished. It's
hard to explain this. I thought of the other people in my life
who really wanted something similar for me and helped me to
change, Something about mothering and about Mommy, how
she must have wanted that. Wanting someone to grow is deep
cating. I thought of my high school teacher Mr. Carroll. Now,
as! began to write this, I thought of Barbara.
T began to think of Gail this morning. Of what it means to
havea passionate friendship. OF what it means to have the love
af someone who really sees me. I think I might be able to sleep
alittle before Diane comes here.
Iwant to try to remember the dream I had this a2s with Mom:
my and Diane.
mip7B 8:45 AM
Tmnot as tired as yesterday. I'mnnot sure whether Im as sad.
‘When I consider how my light is spent.” I feel very lonely. Very
alone, Because I am. I've actually thought of having a room
mate this week, although I don't think I really want one. What
Iwant is companionship I can depend on. Someone to sleep
with from time to time. Perhaps now I'ma little more ready to
‘atertain the question of why I'm always attracted to women
who're unavailable to me. However, I'd put the emphasis on
why so many women are “unavailable.” Pat and Diane are free
6agents, not “involved” with other women. Yet Pat particularly
seems almost totally unavailable tome. Elusive,
1237-78
Contributor's Note
(decided to write some one-line descriptions of myself since _
Thave to do this for the Conditions article, 1 told Barbara!
don't know what to say. I feel drained and would like to stay
huddled in my bed today.
werly Smith has been rejected sexually by two different women
within th lst to wee She recently dacovered between the
first and second rejection that she realy is allergic to dogs so is
rather at a loss as to what to do about relating to "significant
‘others, cats, dogs and of course men being out and women seen
ing very doubtful at dhe moment.
January 17,1979 12:10 AM
**Thavent written in a journal for along time. (This pape
so lovely, textured and creamy. A book like an apple, red on
the outside, cream white within) Tve felt a great urge to write, |
to be serious about it, When I think of how I want to spend my
ime I think mostly of writing.
7 ie the third posteard from Diane today. There's been an
‘element of passion in the last two. mustn't read too much inta
them. That is, I mustn't translate the passion that is actualy
there into sexual feelings. It's difficult for me not to slip into
this because I feel pretty certain that usually I don't feel thes |
things distinet from each other, T don't usualy experience se
ual passion without emotional and intellectual passion. Al
though I do experience the latter two without feeling muct
sexual attraction, One thing I'd like to suggest to Diane at some
point is that perhaps she's denying some part of what's there.
Who knows. Just an idea to try out on her. It also occurred
me to ask her to talk about her fears in relationship to me, |)
think there're some there. Well whatever she means by her
words they are much welcome in this “dry month.
2179 1:00 rm A few days after Aunt Rosa died. :
Tim feeling very depressed and very blocked up. Thaven' cil
since Friday morning, I feel very alone. 1 want someone to hal
me and to comfort me. Yet I'm afraid when it happens. Tmsi
unused to physical contact.
Diane came over on Friday afternoon. She held me but [tol
her I was uncomfortable. What I meant was that I was ara
64
of the feelings of tenderness and the sexual feelings her touch.
ing me evoked. Ever since I've been wanting to see her again,
wanting more hugs and being afraid. Christ. I'm trying to get
upthe nerve to call her.
2379 10:40 Pm
Irealize that I'm furious at Diane. I am furious at her for re
jecting me. Tam furious at her because she has precisely what
she wants, I assume, in our relationship and I don't, I'm tired
of looking at her through New Words’ windows and feeling my
guts wrench and clutch, I can't stand it. This happened today
‘when I was in the bookstore and saw her running along Hamp.
shire Street. It happened in December when I'd gone to the
credit union and looked through the window and saw her work
ingin the store. I'm tired of it. It’s not working. I feel like she
has it all and I have what she wants me to have. I'm mad that I
feel that I've got to bury, avinihtilate my sexual feelings for her
How the hell am I supposed to do that and how can I not?
To return to Diane, What I'm furious at her about, why 1
haven't seen her in almost two weeks and have barely talked
with her is what happened when she came here the Friday after
Aunt Rosa died. I have been so upset by this that T avoided
thinking about it as much as I could. She wanted to hold me
and we lay down on the bed. She held ie in her arms. I was
completely freaked out and told her I wasn't “comfortable.” It
was torturous. To finally be that close to her and to feel rigid
with fear. And the fear was that if I dared touch her, to touch
her face or hair I would forget myself, forget the proper bounds,
Iwould want to make love to her, or try to make love to her, or
betray by the way that I touched her that I wanted to make love
toher. (I'm erying outright now. My throat has the familiar
painin it. It has hurt so much lately. I'm pretty sure that the
wrenching I felt today in the bookstore was also in my throat),
Tohave something that I had wanted for so long and yet not to
have it, Now I'm mad. Writing that last sentence made me mad,
Goddamnit I feel that somehow I'm still accepting her defini.
tion of what’s going on. She's telling me that our relationship
‘s enough for her, that it's passionate and important and I guess
Imsupposed to be satisfied
This feels like such an impasse to me. What in hell am I sup-
Posed to do? I think what I decided to do after a certain point
as o pretend that it didn’t matter. Ihave this
thing lying quiescent, lurking and waiting. Iuneasy peace a while ago but here's the monster rearing uP
sain larger than ever. ‘The other part of the impasse is that
maybe what I need todo to get over her is not to see her. To put
mse time between us. Yet I fear the thread will never be picked
tp again once it’s put down, We may relate to each other again
bat what Tim trying to say is that somehow itll be different. )
Notas rich somehow. Shit. I don't know. I feel like I need help
[need her help. Maybe I need to tell her that she's hurt me
That she hurt me by rejecting me sexually. That no matter
juhat her intentions, what her positive feelings toward me, sil
ithurts, 1 feel like she never really took that into herself. There
was something T wanted from her that she wasn't willing to
five, wasn't able to give, Volition is very tricky in this aren at
iit wasn't in every other human relating. Thinking of volition
2 thought which has been going around in my head as I've typed
and typed is WHY I'm still attracted to her. 1 cannot figure it
Gut quite, Is it an obsession? I feel like I must be acting on
Some atavistic longing, that she reminds me of someone ot
something before conscious memory or even in another life. I |
cannot figure it out. I know part of it is what I think I see in het }
face. What? Pain, tenderness, compassion. \
Tra crying again, a little. 1 am so wearily tired of being alway: |
‘alone. My back hurts so, I feel like it’s going to break. I fed
like the weight of everything is om it, And it is, and mo one )
touch it
1 feel like Tve gotten to something with all this mad incessant
typing, 4 pages. Where Ive got to feels close to despair, full}
fear. Imcold, «.. itis bitter cold and I am sick at hear |
February 10,1979
(Written in the quilt calendar, my dream journal.)
TTve not done well at recording my dreams although I wrote
one out sitting inthe Middle Eastern restaurant at lunch a fev
reeks ago. 1 took a nap this afternoon. I've done this the
Saturdays ina row. dreamed that Diane and I were ridingit
an opemtopped sports car in the country. There was a tre
with white flowers. I've actually seen them, tiny petals with
Yellow centers. The flowers grow in clusters. We stopped und
the tree. Stood up on the seats and reached up to pull down!
armfuls of flowers. (I remember saying to her yesterday tht)
She liked white. looking at the candle she'd brought for be)
grandmother) It was very dark, it was night except that w|
could see the flowers and each other clearly. The flowers short
I
6
seemed to give light. She stood close to
rounded by inky blackness. ee
feel very alone, in silence. I've often felt recently that there
| mre few ways that my tenderness and passion get expressed.
Certainly not i id wi :
in my paid work—that’s out. Only in writing a
tany politcal work, Bu these two cutlets are for passog and
not for physical tenderness. Little gestures, Touching friend:
Arranging flowers. eae
38379 15 aM
Tthink what happens to me sometime is that the way certain
women look is incredibly
moving to me, evokes some deep ten-
demness. It's something like that with Diane oo
20
Some more Contributors’ Notes:
Bevery Smith is extraordivari
ctrl red of her steps to bef
tomes Black fein sin. That hes tied god work
long hours, being responsible, * 7
fg ews ing responsible, delng ait bat by no mean
2S. strum
strugaling with the apparent parados of bel
wonan(esbianfemitisjandaromantic;
Bevery Smith sin love wit
Dey we pected a ceed euvoetin te
fal ins « postbopit movely voice mnaclen ck” bow
cary hair ips with more curves than Beverly has ever seen
rough, ancient gentle hands,
toe t gentle hands, a mind like a steel trap and a great
pare peti Iwas born in Cleveland, Ohio, and raised in a family of
toner, which pce my tin sister Barbar, my mothe, grand
tb aunt and great-aunt. Tam 4 years oa Black woman aes
anand feminh. Being al these things a once isnt imple 1
pecs as Tot of time, I feel like what 1am Jug
constantly question my identity 2
odcapacty for this work is. Ido know that writing the work that
Bare toe dewpest pleasu Somehow it makes my life possible. a
pba be pas member of the Combahee River Collective, a Boston-
Noman artists Film Sereyof which Lam the projet dirsstor T have
Inedin Cambridge Massachusetts forthe past iveyearss
67