1 of 15

FADE IN
INT. MARRIAGE COUNSELLORS OFFICE

s.

Characters present:
ZEUS
HERA and;
The Marriage Counsellor, DOCTOR NED

ro

The scene opens on nondescript office with a bare wooden desk on

one side and on the other, two leather couches and a third arm
chair. Adorning the room is a plastic plant. On the wall are
various photos with inspirational comments.

rB

ZEUS and HERA enter, seating themselves on couches opposite each

other, with a small yet lively fellow already sitting on the
armchair, clipboard in hand. ZEUS strides in bullishly, lightning
crackling between his fingers, firmly holding his sceptre. HERA
scowls as she enters, gracefully carrying herself, almost floating
across the floor.

ne

DOCTOR NED
(To HERA and ZEUS):
ZEUS, HERA, welcome! First of all, I think the fact
that you have sought this marriage guidance is an
indication that both of you are committed to making
this relationship work. So lets talk about what
brought you two here. HERA, why dont you start?

W
ar

HERA
(To DOCTOR NED):
Thank you Doctor. Well I think the biggest problem
is that ZEUS just doesnt listen to me. Its very
frustrating because I talk to him and he just
ignores me!

The lightning crackling between ZEUSs fingers intensifies as he

responds.
ZEUS
(To HERA):
Youre saying I dont listen to youreally? I dont
even know what youre saying right now.
DOCTOR NED
(To HERA and ZEUS):
Good guys. Those are both valid opinions. Bearing
this in mind, I think its important to try and be
honest with each other at all times and remember
the most important word, communication.

2 of 15
DOCTOR NED makes quotation marks with his fingers as he says
communication
DOCTOR NED
(Continuing to HERA and ZEUS):
Learning to talk to each other really is the best
way to resolve conflict.

s.

ZEUS, smirking, cant hold back

ro

ZEUS
(To DOCTOR NED):
Really? Learning to talk will fix everything?
Exactly how much am I paying for this Sigmund?

rB

DOCTOR NED
(To ZEUS):
Now ZEUS, theres nothing wrong with a bit of
personal development. But lets get back on point,
why do you think HERA is unhappy?

ne

ZEUS
(To DOCTOR NED):
I just dont understand why shes so upset with me.
Its insane. For ZEUSs sake, shes the love of my
life. And its not like I dont spoil her.
(To HERA):
I mean we literally invited everybody to our
wedding and afterwards we had a 300 year honeymoon!
That wasnt cheap you know.

W
ar

HERA
(To ZEUS):
I dont care how much you spend ZEUS, it doesnt
impress me. I just want to spend time with you, but
youre off all the time cheating on me!
DOCTOR NED
(To HERA and ZEUS):
Good, good. Lets try and develop this.
HERA
(To ZEUS):
I mean, tell me ZEUS. Exactly how many people had
you slept with before you met me?
ZEUS
(To HERA):
Well, a few I admit. But you cant deny that I
didnt spend a lot of effort trying to show you how

3 of 15
much you mean to me. I mean look at what I had to
do to convince you to date me.

ro

ZEUS exhales forcefully, exasperated.

s.

HERA
(To DOCTOR NED):
I told him no, and so what did he go and do? .
Turned himself into an adorable little cuckoo. It
was soaking wet so I brought it home with me to
care for it.
(To ZEUS):
But I couldnt even enjoy that, could I? You only
did that so I would be tricked into taking you
home.

ZEUS
(To HERA):
You cant say that wasnt romantic?

rB

HERA
(To ZEUS):
I was so ashamed that I had no choice but to say
yes when you asked me to marry you. I couldnt have
faced the embarrassm.

ne

The Counsellor tentatively interrupts, adjusting his glasses as he

does so. HERA bristles in response to this interruption.

W
ar

DOCTOR NED
(To HERA and ZEUS):
Sorry to interrupt you two. I think were really
getting somewhere. But Im just reading the file
your previous counsellor wrote up and it says here,
HERA that you maiden name was Olympian which is the
same as ZEUS last name? And it also says that your
father is Cronus. Im guessing that its no
coincidence that ZEUS father was also called
Cronus?
ZEUS
(To DOCTOR NED, defensively):
Yes, its no big deal.
HERA
(To DOCTOR NED):
Actually ZEUS for once isnt wrong there. We spoke
about this with Tiresias, our previous therapist.
ZEUS
(To HERA, chuckling to himself):
Haha oh yeah! Tell Ned what happened to Tiresias

4 of 15

HERA
(To DOCTOR NED, now bristling at the memory,
rolling her eyes):
Its not important, that idiot had no idea!

ro

s.

ZEUS
(To DOCTOR NED, now explanatory, still amused at
his recollection of this incident):
HERA wouldnt agree with me that females get the
most pleasure out of sex, so we decided to ask
Tiresias because had experience being both a male
and a female; dont ask its a long story. But
anyway, we asked and Tiresias said that women get
10 times as much pleasure as...

rB

HERA
(To nobody, aggressively):
He was an idiot!

ne

ZEUS
(To DOCTOR NED):
And as Im sure youll find out for yourself, HERA
has a bit of an anger management problem. She was
so pissed off that Tiresias had sided with me that
she went and blinded him.
The scene cuts to the moment an enraged HERA viciously strikes
Tiresias, rendering him blind.

W
ar

DOCTOR NED, evidently shocked tries to regain his composure.

Stuttering at first before trying to make light of the situation.
DOCTOR NED
(To HERA and ZEUS, laughing awkwardly):
Well umm, all I can say is that you dont have to
worry about that HERA. Remember this is a safe
place, Im not here to judge.
ZEUS
(To DOCTOR NED, again chuckling to himself, still
amused):
Good luck with that, shes psychotic!
HERA
(To ZEUS, not at all as amused):
Speak for yourself, you cant go five minutes
without damning someone to a lifetime of suffering.
And you know who Im talking about ZEUS.what you
did to Ixion was just cruel.

5 of 15
DOCTOR NED
(To ZEUS, flicking through the notes in his
clipboard):
Yes I have a note here in your file about Ixion.
What exactly happened ZEUS?
Now ZEUS is on the defensive, but he comes out swinging. Lightning
visibly courses through him.

ro

s.

ZEUS
(To DOCTOR NED):
Well I invited Ixion over for dinner but the perv couldnt keep
his eyes of HERA the entire time. So I decided to give him a
little test.
HERA
(To ZEUS, now accusatory):
You tricked him you mean.

ne

rB

ZEUS
(To HERA):
No I had to test his loyalty.
(To DOCTOR NED):
I created a cloud in the shape of HERA, and Ixion
couldnt keep his dirty hands off it, so of course
I had to teach him a lesson.

W
ar

HERA
(To DOCTOR NED):
He fastened him to a burning wheel for eternity. It
was overkill.
(To ZEUS, pleadingly):
All he did was look at me, you cant blame him for
finding me so attractive?
ZEUS
(To HERA, amused with himself again, chuckling):
Hahaha tell that to Paris!
(To DOCTOR NED):
Now that was overkill.
HERA
(To DOCTOR NED and ZEUS, dismissively):
Phh, those idiot Trojans got what they deserved.
DOCTOR NED
(To HERA and ZEUS, attempting to mediate the
situation):
Now Im sensing two very conflicting perspectives
here. I think its good to tell each other how you
feel but lets try and be constructive not

6 of 15
destructive. So why dont we turn to why you two
came here todayAccording to your admission form it
says youve been having some difficulty over a
person called Semele?
HERA
(To ZEUS, outraged):
That whore! I cant understand how you could betray
me like that!

ro

s.

ZEUS
(To HERA, now dismissive):
Get over it. Youre working yourself into a state
over it.
(barely apologetically):
Im sorry that I slept with her, but its making
you crazy.

rB

HERA
(To ZEUS, accusatory):
So its my fault youre not satisfied with me?
Everything is my fault? Is that what youre trying
to say?

ne

ZEUS
(To HERA, now genuinely apologetic, attempting to
remedy the situation):
No, no honey. All Im trying to say is that youre
overreacting a little. And Im not the only one
whos noticing. I mean it doesnt look very good
when the Goddess of Marriage spends all day and
night screaming at her husband.

W
ar

HERA
(To ZEUS, resigned):
Oh yeah, Im crazy and everything is my fault. Of
course none of it is yours, you never do anything
wrong ZEUS!

DOCTOR NED, sensing a chance to get the session back on track,

intervenes. He is very positive considering the descent of the
session into bickering.
DOCTOR NED
(To HERA and ZEUS):
This is good, this is good. I think were really
getting somewhere now. How about we slow this down
a bit and really try to get to the heart of this?
Okay, tell me guys, what exactly happened?

Despite the intervention of DOCTOR NED, the bickering worsens. The

slanging match continues back and forth like a tennis rally.

7 of 15

HERA
(To DOCTOR NED, dismissively):
Well its the same old story. ZEUS couldnt keep it
in his pants.

s.

ZEUS
(To HERA, on the attack):
Doesnt excuse what you went and did!

ro

DOCTOR NED
(To HERA, politely intervening):
So ZEUS cheated on you HERA?
HERA
(To DOCTOR NED):
Yes and its hardly the first time.

rB

DOCTOR NED again flicks through his clipboard.

DOCTOR NED
(To ZEUS):
Yes I can see here in your file that this isnt the
first time youve been unfaithful ZEUS?

ne

ZEUS
(To DOCTOR NED, apologetically, defensively):
Well I admit there have been a few times where I
could have been a better husband. But that doesnt
excuse HERAs reactions.

W
ar

HERA
(To ZEUS, on the front foot, accusatory):
A few! You cant go 5 minutes without cheating on
me! You realise that your toga is inside out, you
really think I wouldnt realise why you were late
today?
ZEUS
(To HERA, taken aback, trying to invent an excuse):
No honey, that isnt it at all. I was just in a
rush this morning, thats all!
(To DOCTOR NED):
See, she just imagines things, you cant blame me
for that

HERAs aggression increases - almost shouting,

HERA
(To ZEUS):

8 of 15
So its my fault you slept with Aegina? Or am I
just imagining that?
ZEUS is now sheepish, with the lightning dissipating from him.
ZEUS
(To HERA):
Well no.

ro

s.

HERA
(To DOCTOR NED):
He turned himself into an eagle to kidnap her.
(To ZEUS):
Okay what about Alcmene?
ZEUS
(To DOCTOR NED):
Ummm..

ne

rB

HERA
(To DOCTOR NED, on a roll now, rallies off a list
of ZEUSs indiscretions):
That time he disguised himself as her husband!
(To ZEUS):
Alright, what about Callisto then? Or Danae? or
Electra? Or Europa? Or Ganymede? I mean hes not
even female. Am I that bad a wife?

W
ar

ZEUS
(To HERA. Sheepish, apologetic and guilty, ZEUS
avoids eye contact, staring at his feet):
No! its not your fault, I just cant help myself
sometimes.
DOCTOR NED
(To HERA and ZEUS, sensing progress):
Okay guys, this is great! Lets just reevaluate a
little bit here. Now HERA, as much as I know ZEUS
may have hurt you in the past, hes still your
husband. I think its important that you accept him
for who he is and not excessively focus on his
negatives. How about we and try and concentrate
this unhappiness a little bit? Lets focus on
Semele for the moment and see if we can try and
resolve these issues?

HERA is exasperated but unwilling to turn DOCTOR NED against her,

having learnt her lesson with Tiresias.
ZEUS
(To DOCTOR NED):
Alright... Okay...

9 of 15

DOCTOR NED
(To HERA):
Good. Now HERA, how do you feel about Semele and
ZEUS?

ro

s.

HERA
(To DOCTOR NED):
I mean, I accept that Semele was very pretty for a
mortal.
(To ZEUS):
But thats not an excuse ZEUS. Im the Goddess of
Marriage and more importantly, your wife! That
should mean something to you.

rB

DOCTOR NED
(To ZEUS):
Good, good. Alright, now ZEUS. Would you like to
respond to what HERA is saying?

ne

ZEUS
(To DOCTOR NED, still avoiding eye contact. The God
among Gods is distinctly remorseful):
Well of course I feel bad. I didnt want to hurt
HERA, I never did.
(To HERA):
Thats why I tried to keep it a secret. Especially
when I found out about the baby.

W
ar

HERA
(To ZEUS, uninterested in ZEUSs changed demeanour,
remains aggressive):
Really ZEUS, and you thought that would work? You
thought I wouldnt hear about a mortal being
impregnated by a god, my own husband at that? News
like that gets around Olympus faster than a bolt of
your lightning. And it was pretty obvious it was
you, who else could it have been?
DOCTOR NED
(To HERA):
Okay now HERA, tell ZEUS how it felt finding out
like that.
HERA
(To ZEUS, starting off aggressive, before
softening):
Well it hurt. I know it shouldnt be a surprise
anymore. But when you promise that youll stop
being unfaithful, Im always naive enough to

10 of 15
believe you. But do you know what, I think what
hurt most was the fact that you tried to hide it
form me.
ZEUS
(To HERA pleadingly):
But you knew I had to hide it from you. You know I
cant trust you.

s.

DOCTOR NED
(To ZEUS):
Good, okay, now ZEUS try and explain that to HERA.
Why didnt you want her to know about the affair?

ro

Without thinking, ZEUSs response is offhand, undoing the progress

just made.

rB

ZEUS
(to DOCTOR NED):
Because shes crazy!

DOCTOR NED
(To ZEUS, somewhat annoyed at ZEUSs
thoughtlessness):
Now remember what I said: constructive not
destructive.

ne

ZEUS
(To DOCTOR NED, too arrogant to back down,
continues):
But she is! I mean when she found out that Id
slept with Io...

W
ar

HERA
(To ZEUS, now aggravated):
She was a fat cow!
DOCTOR NED
(To HERA, visibly annoyed at the lack of progress):
Constructive HERA! I think its important that we
remain respectful and civil.
ZEUS
(To DOCTOR NED):
Actually, Doc shes right, Io was a cow.I ended up
turning her into one to disguise her from HERA. But
after my wife found what I had done, she went and
sent a gladfly after Io to eternally torment her.
HERA
(to ZEUS, dismissively):

11 of 15
Oh sure. And what about the fact that I was the one
who relented?
ZEUS shakes his head and exhales, finding the comment comical

s.

ZEUS
(To HERA):
Okay, what about Callisto then?
(To DOCTOR NED):
She persuaded Artemis to shoot her.
(To HERA):
Or Alcmene? After everything you did to Heracles,
how could I be expected to trust you with Dionysus?

ro

DOCTOR NED
(To HERA and ZEUS):
Who is Dionysus?

rB

HERA
(To DOCTOR NED, remorseless):
Semeles bastard child.
(To ZEUS):
But Im not going to apologise to you ZEUS! Semele
got what she deserved.

ne

DOCTOR NED
(To HERA, mediating again; trying to regain
control):
Alright, lets try and remove some the tension from
this. HERA, when you found out about ZEUS and
Semele, what did you do?

W
ar

HERA
(To DOCTOR NED):
I was so embarrassed. I had to find out how this
could have happened. I had to find out how Semele
had managed to steal ZEUS love away from me.
ZEUS
(To HERA, almost pleading):
But she didnt steal any of my love for you!
HERA (CONTD)
(To DOCTOR NED):
So I disguised myself and tried to become to
Semeles friend.
(To ZEUS):
And she told me just how nice and kind youd been
to her.
DOCTOR NED
(To HERA):

12 of 15
And how did that make you feel HERA?

s.

HERA
(To DOCTOR NED, hurt):
It made me jealous.
(To ZEUS):
Youve never been that kind to me. She told me what
you promised her; that youd sworn on the River
Styx to give her anything she wanted. Youve never
done anything like that for me!

ro

ZEUS
(To HERA, somewhat conceding his fault on the
matter, before hardening again):
But that doesnt excuse what you did. Im sorry for
cheating on you, but what you did to Semele was
just cruel.

rB

DOCTOR NED
(To ZEUS):
Okay ZEUS, explain to HERA why you think what she
did was unnecessary.

W
ar

ne

ZEUS
(To DOCTOR NED), upset):
Well when I was with Semele I had to disguise
myself as a mortal. But eventually I did end up
telling her who I really was. But when Semele told
HERA about that, HERA pretended it was a lie. So
when I next saw Semele, she didnt believe me
anymore. She wanted me to show her that I was ZEUS.
HERA
(To ZEUS, still without remorse):
Its your own fault for promising her so much.
ZEUS (CONTD)
(To DOCTOR NED):
I begged her not to. But she made me, I had no
choice. I tried to show her only the smallest
lightning bolt I could, but it was no good.HERA
knew that mortals cant look at me in my true form.
She tricked Semele, she was the one who killed
Semele.

Excited by seeing ZEUS open up, DOCTOR NED feels the sessions is
back on track.
DOCTOR NED
(To ZEUS):

13 of 15
Okay this is great guys, really great. Now were
really getting somewhere. ZEUS, tell HERA how you
felt about this.

s.

ZEUS
(To HERA, remaining remorseful):
I know I hurt you, but that doesnt make it okay
for you to go and hurt innocent people to punish
me.
(To DOCTOR NED):
Im just glad I managed to save the boy.

ro

HERA
(To ZEUS, still unwilling to be forgiving):
That bastard, you only kept him to rub it in my
face didnt you?

rB

DOCTOR NED
(To HERA and ZEUS):
So Semele had a child?

ne

HERA
(To DOCTOR NED):
No she was still pregnant. ZEUS for some reason
decided save the wretched boy from Semeles ashes.
He sew it into his thigh.
(To ZEUS)
As if I wasnt going to notice that.

W
ar

ZEUS
(To HERA, trying to make HERA see reason):
He was completely innocent, I had to save him. And
you didnt have to go after him as well. You had
already caused enough pain.
DOCTOR NED
(To ZEUS):
Okay, tell me what happened ZEUS?
ZEUS
(To DOCTOR NED):
I knew I had to find a safe place for Dionysus, I
couldnt trust HERA not to hurt him, especially
after all the things she did to Heracles. So I got
Hermes to give him to King Athamas and Queen Ino.
They were good people, good friends. I thought they
would be perfect foster parents for Dionysus.
HERA
(To ZEUS):

14 of 15
You should have known you couldnt hide him from me
ZEUS. After all the pain youve caused me, its
only fair that I make you suffer as well.

DOCTOR NED
(To ZEUS):
What happened?

s.

ZEUS
(To DOCTOR NED; Ignoring HERA):
We did everything we could. I even convinced
Athamas to raise Dionysus as a girl so HERA
wouldnt find him.

rB

ro

ZEUS
(To DOCTOR NED):
HERA turned Athamas and Ino insane. Thames ended up
shooting his eldest son because he thought he was a
deer. Hermes only just managed to get back in time
to save Dionysus. He had to transform him into a
goat so he could get him out.
(To HERA):
This time it was too far. You have no limits. You
can hurt me, I deserve that. But when you start
hurting our friends, Im sorry but thats too far.

ne

HERA
(To DOCTOR NED, aggressively, evidently hurt):
They were my friends as well. I couldnt believe
they would side with ZEUS.

W
ar

DOCTOR NED
(To ZEUS and HERA):
So where is the child now?
ZEUS
(To DOCTOR NED):
Ive hidden him far away from HERA. I cant trust
her anymore. But hes in safe place with people who
love and spoil him.
HERA
(To ZEUS, singlehandedly undoing all progress that
has been made):
ZEUS, if its the last thing I do, I will find him
and make him suffer as much pain as youve caused
me. Maybe Ill rip his limbs apart, maybe Ill send
him insane. Im not sure yet, but know this, I will
find him.
ZEUS
(To HERA, chuckling to himself, evidently smug):

15 of 15
I dont think so. Dionysus is resilient. I have no
doubt hell mature well.

HERA
(To ZEUS):

ro

ummmmmm...

s.

DOCTOR NED
(To HERA and ZEUS, realising that the session has
gone in a circle):
Okay guys, were almost out of time. But before we
finish, lets try and remove some this tension. How
about we try an exercise. Okay, I want you two to
look at each other and say one thing you love about
the other. (To HERA): HERA, why dont you start?

DOCTOR NED
(To ZEUS):
Okay, why dont you start us off ZEUS?

..ertghhhh.

rB

ZEUS
(To HERA):

DOCTOR NED
(To HERA and ZEUS):

ne

Anything?

HERA and ZEUS:

W
ar

DOCTOR NED
(To HERA and ZEUS):
Alright then, maybe we should leave it there for
todayI think weve made a lot of progress.
Sometimes we forget the most important thing in a
relationship, which is to talk to each other. But
today youve both really opened up. Im sure that
with time youll be able to resolve your
differences and rekindle your passion for each
other..So on that, Ill say goodbye and Ill see
you two love birds next week!

The scene closes with HERA looking to ZEUS, who is still somewhat
sheepish, and her expression softening, ever so slightly.
FADE OUT