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Established, in spirit, when the University was.

Established in practice January 2009


November

The Pittiful News


The Weekly Satirical Newspaper of the University of Pittsburgh • Vol. 2 • Issue 10
13
2009
“We’re not pitiful, the news is.”
Pitt students form outlaw gang to combat Ravenstahl
By: Jake Swanson
Editor-in-Chief

A band of outlaws is starting


up at the University of Pitts-
burgh, to combat the taxes
being planned by Mayor Luke
Ravenstahl.
The group was formed by
Pitt Junior Rob Locke, who
decided to take some action
after the lack of voter turnout.
“I actually did vote,” said
Locke. “And it wasn‟t for him.
I wouldn‟t have voted for
Ravenstahl and his tax plan if
someone had been holding a
gun up to my head.”
Locke soon decided to organ-
ize a band of students to take
down the Pittsburgh admini-
stration, until, of course, the
rightful mayor comes to the
city. Locke‟s band is a rather
motley crew of Pitt students.
“Well there‟s my cousin from
Duquesne, Bill Starlet, and
there‟s of course my good
Eileen Tong/Photographer
friend John,” he said. “There‟s
a whole gang of us, about 20 or Police are blaming these bullet holes on the outlaw Rob Locke and his gang of hooligans. Locke protested,
saying that if he had shot the station, they would have been far more precise.
so. My girlfriend Mary is actu-
ally doing an internship down
at the Mayor‟s office, so she all devoted to Mary in a way, although where exactly it is is “They haven‟t exactly done
can give us insider‟s informa- she‟s helped us through so unknown. They have also got- anything yet, „cause neither
tion.” much. That‟s why we call our- ten assistance from local foun- have I, but I hate them any-
Locke‟s men are just as ex- selves „Mary‟s Men‟ from time dations and figures, such as way!” said Ravenstahl. “I‟ll
cited about the idea as their to time. It sounds trashy when Father Tucker of St. Paul‟s show them who the Mayor is!”
leader. I say it like that, but, that‟s Cathedral at 5th and Craig. Ravenstahl has employed
“Locke‟s a great leader. He‟s the way it goes. And she does This charity, though, has several new members to the
devoted to us, his ideals, and put out. Don‟t tell Rob.” held its downsides. Ravenstahl Police Force, including a sheriff
his girl,” said a member of the The gang has apparently is absolutely livid about the from the Philadelphia area.
gang, who wished to remain fashioned themselves a semi- proceedings. “I heard he was amazing at
anonymous. “Actually, we‟re hideout on Morewood Ave., the G-20 riots, so I figured that

PitTiful News STAFF


Editor-in-Chief: Jake Swanson
Brittany Binder Becky Kerner Phil Papa Matt Russak
Jess Edelstein Lewis Lehe Diana Ren David Smeresky
Rachel Harris Brigid Mulholland Julie Rozen Eileen Tong
Caitlin Kempf Greg Norcie Mike Ruane Emma Weimer
Here, have an e-mail address! PittifulNews@gmail.com. Now use it.
2 The Pittiful News—PittifulNews@gmail.com—www.pittifulnews.com

More cooking tips: nuke a pump- Mayor Ravenstahl to crack down on


kin pie to perfection outlaw gang
By: Caitlyn Kempf crust in the microwave, too. I‟d bring him in. He‟ll put a less! These snotty little up-
Columnist
You can buy a ready-made re- stop to this Rob and his starts won‟t be able to stop
It‟s nearing time for Thanksgiv- frigerated crust or a crust mix „Mary‟s Men‟!” he said. me!”
ing, and that means everyone is where you add water. Put it in The new sheriff, Guy Notts, Despite Ravenstahl‟s plan,
starting to crave pumpkin pie. your container, prick the bot- was considered Locke is confident in
No oven? No problem! You tom with a fork a bunch of amongst the “It is one steep his success.
don‟t have to head down to times, and microwave for a few best of the
Market Central when you can minutes. Then, add your filling Philly cops,
bill, but it’s worth “I don‟t think we‟re
going to be able to
just use your microwave. and finish. managing to it.” stop all the taxes,” he
Pumpkin makes for a “healthy” beat a record -Mayor Luke said. “But at least
1 can Pumpkin Pie Mix (it al- breakfast, and you can save the 20 students in we‟ll scare „em,
ready has all the spices and mix in the fridge if you don‟t the face alone. Ravenstahl maybe make next
sugar in it) want to cook it all right away. “And I‟ll election count.”
1 can (5 oz.) evaporated milk beat more,” said Notts. “The Locke is only encouraged by
2 eggs How did your pie turn out? Mayor‟s paid me a hefty sum the fact that Sheriff Notts has
Email Caitlin at cmk54@pitt.edu to come on as a police chief…I few leads.
Mix it all together. Pour into a and tell her about it. think it‟s actually costing more “We got no idea what this
bowl or something. Nuke for 3- than he would be getting from kid looks like, or where exactly
4 minutes, or until it doesn‟t this whole Pitt tax thing.” he is,” said Notts. “Most I
wiggle much when you tap the “It is one steep bill,” said could get is that he‟s known
container. Ravenstahl, when asked to for wearing a hoodie all the
If you‟re feeling adventurous… comment, “but it‟s worth it. time. He‟s called Rob „Hoodie‟
I like my pie crust-less, but it‟s To make up for it, we‟ll be tak- at some parts, actually. I‟ll get
been said that you can do the ing away more tax exemp- him yet.”
tions. Father Tucker‟s church
is going to have the commun-
Are you not awesome? ion wafers taxed out of them.
There’s a (potential) cure for that! Food taxes, taxes on the home-

The University of Pittsburgh is testing out the Corrections


“Pittiful News” as a test for the medical condition
known as awesomenesslessness. Participants may In last week’s issue, the “Mrs. PMS-ing Mountain” comic
come to Room 329 of the Cathedral at 6:00 on was not credited to Phil Papa, the artist and writer. This was
mainly due to the fact that the editor wasn’t entirely sure
Wednesdays to undergo testing. that Phil would want his name attributed with such a worth-
Another method of testing is to send e-mailed mate- less piece of crap. Turns out, the editor was wrong.
rial, for analysis, to PittifulNews@gmail.com.
The Pittiful News regrets these errors and sincerely hopes
Both methods have been clinically proven to get writ- that they don’t happen again.
ings in print and induce laughter.

Mrs. PMS-ing Mountain Text by: Mike Ruane, Art by: Phil Papa

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