Youre 16. Youre a Pedophile.

You Dont
Want to Hurt Anyone. What Do You Do
Now?
Theres no helpline for pedophiles who want
treatment before they act. So a teen with a terrible
secret had to find his own way to save himself and
others like him.
By Luke Malone
Illustrations by Simon Prades

Nominated for a 2014 National Magazine Award for Public Interest, which
honors magazine journalism that illuminates issues of national
importance.

Adam was at his desk in the

second-story bedroom of his
familys suburban home when he
came across it. He had recently
switched le-sharing programs
to one that oered more content
and faster browsing, and his
downloading habit had increased
in kind. There was now a
constant stream of les whose
names included acronyms such
as PTHC, or pre-teen hardcore.
The boy in this video was fair-haired and looked to be about one and a half,
his small, naked body tied up to restrict movement. A mans torso entered
the frame and the child began to scream. As he watched the scene unfold,
Adam was transxed, and then quickly revolted; he reached over and
stopped the video. It wasnt like anything hed witnessed in the two years
hed been viewing child pornography. Until now everything hed seen
seemed to suggest that the kids liked it, but this toddler was clearly in pain.
He moved over to his bed, a twin with a sturdy, wooden frame, and lay
down on the crumpled blue and white cloud-print sheet. Band posters
clung to the surrounding walls. Directly across from the foot of the bed was
a bookshelf housing an impressive collection of horror novels. Atop the
shelf sat several chess and baseball trophies whose silver sheen had been
dulled by dust, and he stared up at them as he tried to process what he had
just seen. He felt, he told me later, a combination of anger, sadness, and
confusion.

Seeing that toddler trussed up and in pain conrmed something hed long
suspected but now had to acknowledge. The man in the video was one of
those guys they sometimes talked about on the news. Though Adam didnt
want to hurt anyone, he knew that, on some level, he was just like him. He
was 16 years old, he was a pedophile, and he had to do something about it.

We have a few go-to archetypes

when it comes to pedophilia:
There is the playground lurker,
the chat-room predator, and the
monstrous (often religious)
authority gure. These men are
usually middle-aged,
unrepentant serial abusers who
are caught only after remaining undetected for years. But what about the
preceding decades? When do these urges rst begin to manifest?
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders denes a pedophile
as an individual who over a period of at least six months has recurrent,
intense sexually arousing fantasies, sexual urges, or behaviors involving
sexual activity with a prepubescent child or children. This person also has
to have acted on these sexual urges, or the sexual urges or fantasies cause
marked distress or interpersonal diculty, and be at least age 16 years
and at least ve years older than the child or children involved.

Anecdotal evidence suggests that most pedophiles rst notice an attraction

toward children when they themselves are between 11 and 16, mirroring
that of any other sexual awakening. It can be a confusing time for any of us,
but imagine realizing that youre attracted to little kids. How do these

young men and women negotiate that with no viable role models or
support network? There is no It Gets Better for pedophiles. Are they all
fated to end up as child molesters? Or is it possible for them to live a life
without hurting children at all?
I spoke with experts and asked around online. I came across a site for selfdescribed pedophiles who acknowledged their attraction and wanted help
dealing with it. But the men I met were in their 50s and 60s, and Id hoped
to speak with someone younger, someone still coming to terms with what
he was learning about himself. I asked them if they knew anyone like that,
and a few weeks later I received an email.
My name is Adam, it read. Im 18 and non-exclusively attracted to boys
and girls of all ages (particularly very young ones). I am the leader of a
support group for non-oending pedophiles around my age I would be
very happy to talk with you.

Adam is now 20 (his name, like

those of other young men in this
article, has been changed). He
has a slightly chubby build and
messy, medium-brown hair. The
rst time we spoke at length
about his attractions, we were
sitting in his old, beat-up car, in
the lot of a park near the house he shares with his parents and two older
brothers. It had become our regular meeting place. Outside the car, locals
chatted among themselves while herding frisky Labradors and Weimaraners
into the backs of jeeps; two kids roughhoused in the dirt next to us until
their father asked them to stop.
Talking about his pedophilic urges, Adam refused to look me in the eye,
though he often stole glances when he thought I wasnt looking. He rst
noticed his attraction toward young children when he was 11. Hed
developed a crush on a kindergartener at school, a boy, his desire fueled by
brief, furtive glimpses of him in the halls. By the time he reached 16, his
sexual interest in kids had become more dened. He found himself
attracted primarily to boys between three and seven and girls aged ve to
eight.

When I pressed him about what he nds most attractive in a child, he

shifted in the car seat from side to side, and eventually managed to say:
Small body, hairless legs, you know, things like that like small genitalia.
But there is a strong emotional pull, a potent idea of innocence that, he
explained, is far more intoxicating than anatomy. A lot of us tend to have, I
think, unrealistic views of kids, he said. To the point that theyre kind of
angelic. This purity, he told me, is what keeps in check his urge to act on
his desires. I see an innocence in children that would be violated, he said.

It is why the video of the toddler, out of everything hed seen, rattled him.
There was no denying that the boy was being debased. The bound child was
wailing as the man defecated on him, though his cries were soon replaced
with choking splutters as his abuser began urinating in his mouth. I
wanted to reach through the computer screen and kill the person, Adam
said. I was just so horried at what I saw.

I asked him what happened in the days and weeks after hed watched the
video, and he admitted he didnt stop downloading child porn straight
away. He tried his best to abstain, often going weeks, but would end up
back in front of the computer. He scoured the internet looking for a way to
help him break his porn addiction and deal with his attraction to
children, and ended up at a general mental health forum. This site stated
that new visitors must oer an introductory message. I know that
pedophiles dont choose to be pedophiles, he wrote. I didnt want my
attraction. I dont want my attraction. But the attraction is there, and all I
can do is try to curb it.
Instead of posting it right away, he went to bed and masturbated to child
porn. I actually felt okay about that because I reasoned that I was taking
the rst step toward getting help, he said. I guess like a drug addict
enlisting in rehab and then using one last time before it starts. He
published it the following morning.
The response to his post was mixed. Some commenters were working
through their own abuse history, and couldnt stomach the idea of helping a
self-confessed pedophile. But two female sexual-abuse survivors eventually
came forward, convinced that he was of an age where a change could still be
made. One of them, Adam believes, had suered particularly brutal abuse,
abuse that was lmed, and their conversations about the evils of child
pornography would often trigger her past traumas. She cared about me,
he said. But she made it known that she felt I deserved whatever the law
decided to do with me if I were caught for the CP [child porn].
More than once she kept him distracted from watching porn until the early
hours of the morning, when he was tired enough to go to sleep.

His pornography habit, of

course, was merely symptomatic
of a larger issue. It took him a
long time, he told me, to accept
that his desire for young boys
wasnt simply going to evaporate
just because hed stopped
downloading and watching
videos, and he grew increasingly despondent trying to suppress these
feelings. I was passively suicidal for a long time. I went six months without
seeking actual help aside from online, he said.

One night, while his father was out, Adam walked into his parents room
and handed a note to his mother as she was lying in bed. Read this, he
said. Paula (whose name has also been changed) looked up at him and
opened her mouth to speak but changed her mind when she saw the
expression on his face. He slipped back out of the room and she considered
the letter for a moment, turning it over in her hands. She got up and walked
down the hall to Adams bedroom, and found him curled up in bed with his
back to the door. She called out to him, but he pretended he was already
asleep.
Not knowing what else to do, she walked back to her room and unfolded
the note. When Adam sent me a copy of it years later, he told me he
couldnt read past the rst few lines, the memory of this time still so raw
for him.
Dear Mommy, I am writing this letter to you as I cannot bring myself to say what
I need to say to you to your face. It would simply be too painful for me, and I
dont want you to see me cry and struggle, nor do I want you to be pained by
seeing me do so I nd that I am seldom happy, and very rarely go through days
when I am entirely happy I am always overshadowed with feelings of
depression, guilt and shame. Im really sick and tired of covering these feelings
up I want you to let me see a psychologist, and for both your and my own
privacy, I dont want you to be in any way acquainted with him/her I
understand that you probably have a lot to ask me, but I need some time to get my
head wrapped around things. I thank you in advance for my privacy. Love,
Adam.
He didnt explain the source of his depression and his mother decided not
to ask. The next morning, she pulled him aside and told him she would nd
him a local therapist who took their insurance.

It was a Friday morning when Adam went to see her. As he sat with his
mother in the waiting room, the reality of what was about to happen
washed over him. He was overwhelmed. He was about to vocalize a secret
hed only ever previously admitted to strangers on the internet.

He was called into her oce, his heart racing as he stepped toward the
door. She closed it behind them, oered him a seat, and began the session
with questions familiar to anyone who has been in therapy, family history,
how many siblings I have, that kind of thing. She scribbled his answers
down in a notepad, and then asked why he had come to see her. Adam had
never in his life felt such dread. His body began to shake as he explained
that he suered from anxiety. She asked what was making him anxious, and
he just blurted it out: Im a pedophile and Im addicted to child
pornography.
She blinked at him for a moment and then asked him to repeat himself.
When he did, her mood changed. She just became extremely cold and
harsh, he said. She even, a few times, almost got to the level of shouting.
She suggested that he was simply nervous around kids his own agea
reaction Ive learned is common among therapists with limited experience
in this area. She told him she wasnt trained to deal with the situation, but
she would ask around for information on how to help him and scheduled a
second session for a couple of weeks later.
I asked Adam why he agreed to see her again, and he said he felt he had no
choice: I didnt have anything else, you know? He soon found himself
back in the waiting room with his mother. I walk in, she asks how Im
doing, and she seems a little bit more sympathetic, he said. But she told
me pretty much right away, I cant do this. I have to tell your mom.

There is currently no
mechanism for treating someone
who has pedophilic urges and
hasnt acted on them. A major
roadblock is the existence of
mandatory reporting laws, which
dictate that people in certain
professions must report
suspicion of child abuse and neglect to Child Protective Services. (The
individuals required to make a report varies from state to state; it can
include all citizens but is usually restricted to those whose work puts them
in regular contact with children, such as teachers, police, and
psychologists.)
Mandated reporting revolutionized the way child abuse is handled in the
U.S. and has brought many incidents to light, but it can be problematic for

young men like Adam who havent abused children. The civil and criminal
liabilities facing those who fail to report someone who goes on to molest a
kid, combined with the fact that it need only be based on suspicion and not
probable cause, means a report could be triggered when well-intentioned
individuals reach out for help. The overwhelming number of minorattracted men I spoke with said this was too much of a deterrent. Which
also makes it harder to learn more about them.
There is a lot we still dont know about pedophiliaone researcher
described our scientic understanding of it as a series of pretty big black
holes. We dont know, for example, how someone comes by an attraction
for prepubescent children in the rst place. The research we do have, and
this is derived from very small sample sizes, suggests that those attracted
to kids tend to be shorter, left-handed, and have a lower IQ than the
broader population. Another study found that being knocked unconscious
before the age of 13 might be a factor. This may sound like quackery, but it
points toward biological causation. In other words, its likely that
pedophiles are born this way.

Things are a little clearer when it comes to the numbers. Studies suggest
that up to 9 percent of men have fantasized about having sex with a
prepubescent child, and 3 percent of all men have gone on to sexually

oend. (Not all of them would meet the diagnostic criteria for pedophilia.
The latter gure includes situational oenders, men who abuse children if
the opportunity arises but who otherwise have no pre-existing attraction to
kids.) Michael Seto, director of the University of Ottawas Forensic
Research Unit and associate editor of Sexual Abuse: A Journal of Research and
Treatment, believes that the prevalence of male pedophiles sits closer to 1
percent of the population, which would equate to at least 1.2 million in the
U.S. alone. (Female pedophiles exist, but in smaller numbers.)
The distinction between fantasies and behavior is an important one to
make. Our failure to acknowledge the existence of pedophiles who choose
not to act on their desires not only prevents them from coming forward to
seek help but is also an obstacle when it comes to gaining support for
therapeutic intervention. Seto told me there is evidence to suggest that
there are a signicant number of men who are sexually attracted to
children and struggling, often alone, to keep their urges in check. If you
did a survey of the general public, Seto said, I think a large majority
would assume that anyone who is sexually attracted to prepubescent
children has acted on it.

The rst thing that I recall the

therapist saying is Weve got a
problem, said Adams mom,
Paula. She knew something was
up when she rst entered the
room. She saw her son staring at
the oor, not speaking
practically not breathing, he
wasnt moving a muscle, other than he was shaking. And then the therapist
told her why she was there.
I was really, really shocked. I thought we were going to be talking about
depression. That wasnt even on my radar of what I thought could even
come up as part of the problem, she said. It immediately entered my
mind that perhaps somebody had abused him. How else could this have
happened? How else could he have even thought to do that if he wasnt
abused?
But while victimization is a risk factor for perpetration, its not a given, and
the majority of abused children do not go on to oend. Paula believes her
son when he says its not the case. If it had already come out that he was

engaged in looking at child pornography, why would he then hold back on

the other component? she said. It would have been easier, I think, from
his position to say that something had happened to him and then he is
considered a victim.
Paula hasnt told anyone about what she learned about her sonnot a
friend, not a therapist of her own, not her husband. Our conversations were
the rst shes had about it since nding out. Nobody, she said, with a
melancholic laugh, when I asked who she turns to for support. I can be
certain that his dad would not have, I dont think could have, handled it in a
similar way as myself. Hes just much more emotionally reactive.

But it doesnt mean she hasnt been thinking about it. I was surprised by
how eager she was to talk about Adam, and so directly. In fact, discussing
her sons attraction to children seemed to come as a relief. It is something
Im aware of when I lay down to sleep and Im aware of it when I get up,
she said. Its always on my mind.
Paula copes by being pragmatic. She helped her son nd a new therapist,
one better equipped to help him deal with his attractions. And when that
new therapist suggested he remove all information on the two computers
he used to access child porn, so as to reduce temptation and possible legal
ramications, she led the charge. Adam told me that the only way to do
that would be to actually replace the hard drives, because writing over them
or just deleting information does not actually get rid of itits still
embedded, its still there, she said, adding that they destroyed the
originals. I didnt want him to be at any risk whatsoever, and I felt the
thing to do was to immediately get rid of it.
Her concern was hardly disproportionate to the potential repercussions.
Possession of child pornography carries statutory penalties under federal
and state law. These penalties can be so severe that those caught with child
porn can receive longer sentences than those convicted of child abuse.
Because the videos he downloaded included children under 12 years old, a
rst-time oender like Adam might have been ned $100,000 and
sentenced up to 20 years in prison; the maximum term can be increased to
40 years for those with prior convictions.
Paula said her greatest fear is that he might one day go back to viewing
child porn, but, after a little pressing, she acknowledged a larger concern. I
know that he has had thoughts, I know that hes had urges I know that
when people have urges and thoughts that they can progress to actions, and
of course I worry that could happen, she said. I dont want there to be any
victims. I mean, every child is very important. My son is important to me,
and I would feel horrible if he was abused and I would feel horrible if he
abused, so theres no winners there.
She and her son hadnt spoken directly about that day at the therapists
oce, much less the underlying issue, in the intervening three years. They
only recently resumed the discussion when I persuaded Adam to ask if
shed be willing to speak with me. This has forced Paula to come to terms
with things she was able to avoid before. He told her he identies as a

pedophile and it is his expectation that this is going to be a very long,

lifetime struggle. It was painful to hear, though, important. But she
remains hopeful for his future.
Best-case scenario is that this never happened and this never could happen
to my son or anybodys son, but that bubble has already popped because
bad things do happen to good people and good sons and good mothers,
she said. The next best-case scenario would be to be able to live with this
burden and live a normal and happy and productive life I want him to be
happy, to not feel depressed about this, and to be able to fulll all of his
dreams that were there before and that should continue to be available to
him even living with this.

Adams new therapist put him

on Zoloft and taught him to
resist the urge to identify with
the child molesters he
encountered in the media. A lot
of it was, Im a monster for
having viewed that stu but also
just for having these
attractions, he said. What you hear in the media and online and how
people talk, it sinks in, you know? You dont even question it. Its just kind
of a fact.
But his sense of social isolation wasnt so easily remedied, and his thoughts
about young children were as strong as ever. He had maintained an active
presence on the mental health message boards, but said most of the
members he knew were abuse survivors, depressives, or alcoholicsno one
who could truly understand what he was struggling with on a daily basis.
One day he typed the words young pedophile into Google, and his
original thread on the mental health board was the rst entry to come up.
But when he started to scroll down he saw similar entries on other boards,
ones with headlines like Im a young pedophile and I need some help and
How can I get free counseling? Im a teenage pedophile. Desperate for
someone to relate to, he started reaching out. Id say, Im a pedophile. I
used to have a child porn addiction. I know what youre going through, he
said. You obviously need help, and I know someone else around our age
whos like that. I think we could be a good support for you and vice versa.

This is how he began communicating with other young pedophiles around

the world. In turn, they introduced him to those they had managed to nd.
Distinct from the idea of a malevolent pedophile ring, these young men
and occasionally young womensaid they didnt want to hurt children and
were trying to nd a way to make sure they never would. Some messaged
back and forth before dropping o (They probably got scared that it was a
sting operation, said Adam), but one by one a cluster of regulars formed.
Before long Adam had inadvertently established an informal online support
group for pedophiles in their teens and early 20s who want help battling
their attraction toward children.
Speaking with members of the group, its apparent their concern about
detection sits close to the surfaceeach citing a fear of rejection by family
and friends, and the unwanted attention of law enforcement. Yet, Adam

explained that many are willing to risk it rather than continue to battle
their demons alone. For a pedophile, there is almost no place to go and get
information or any sort of help, he said. Im sure that there are
pedophiles who kill themselves who never come out as that. Who never
admit to it, even in a suicide letter. I think theres probably a lot more than
people would realize.

There are currently nine members, ranging in age from 16 to 22, eight men
and one woman, though Adam said others have come and gone over the
years. Some members hail from as far abroad as the Philippines, but
language barriers conne most participants to the U.S. and the U.K. His
group has two rules. The rst is that you cant have oended or harbor any
intention to do so; those who question the concept are banished if they
cant be convinced otherwise. The second is a commitment to stopping the
use of child pornography. Adam told me its okay if you come into the group
as a user, but you must be devoted to quitting.
Adams mom recently found out about the group. Realizing that support is
elusive to those in his situation, she accepts it. But she also harbors
reservations about them operating without the oversight of professionals.
We need to understand the problem so that we can nd appropriate ways
to x it. The way to help is to identify anyone that wants help, Paula said.
We have to make connections. Just as they have things like hotlines for
people to come forward and get help with problems theyre having, there
has to be something available and advertised for young people that may be
having these thoughts and these urges.

Anyone thats done treatment

with people who have sexually
oended know that many of
them are horried by their
behaviors, Elizabeth
Letourneau, founding director of
the Moore Center for the
Prevention of Child Sexual
Abuse at Johns Hopkins University, told me. A lot of these guys dont want
to be sexually abusing children.
We rst met at her oce one dreary afternoon last February. Out the
window, whose sill was anked by framed photos of her two sons, you
could see rain gently blanketing downtown Baltimore. The centers core
mission is to try to change the way the nation views child sexual abuse, as
something that is preventable. From a desk piled high with books and
manila folders full of journal articles, she continued: We say were really
concerned about sex oending and we really dont want children to be
sexually oended and we dont want adults to be raped, but we dont do
anything to prevent it. We put most of our energy into criminal justice,
which means that the oense has already happened and often many
oenses have already happened.
Letourneau is the only U.S. researcher developing science and policy in the
eld of primary prevention. She wants to implement a program, separate to
her work at the center, that provides preventive therapy for non-oenders
and oenders alike. Her focus will be on adolescents, at least initially. She
believes that early intervention is more eective and that teenagers pose
less of a threat to potential funders and review boards. She would also like
to get parents involved, though this would present its own challenges. The
risk that you face when you have to pull in a parent and a kid is that youre
going to lose some kids who are not able to talk about this to their parent,
out of fear or shame or embarrassment, she said. We will miss some
important subgroups.
Adam told me that, when it comes to pedophilia, there are other
distinctions beyond age and gender preferencemost notably, primary and
exclusive attraction. A primary interest means a person is sexually focused
on children but can also be aroused by those who are more age-appropriate.
Exclusive attraction is when someone feels no sexual desire for anyone but
prepubescent kids. Letourneau is curious if young pedophiles who show
even a slight interest in their peers might respond to treatment that
attempts to redirect their attention into that corner. For most people, our

age of attraction increases as we mature, suggesting that it is variable. She

wonders if pedophilic adolescents can be encouraged to develop acceptable
sexual desires, but acknowledges that it wouldnt be eective for those with
exclusive attraction.

Historically, attempts to change sexual impulses have included arousal

reconditioning, which involves, essentially, getting men to masturbate to
fantasies of their preferred target and then switching to something more
socially acceptable right before climax. But there is also the opposite, like
satiation training, where patients masturbate to fantasies over and over
again until they are drained of desire.

I suggested to Letourneau that talk of sexual reconditioning strongly

echoes the tactics of gay conversion therapy, a harmful and wholly
unsuccessful pseudoscience, and she was quick to distance herself. Its a
horrible legacy of psychology and psychiatry, she agreed. It seems kind of
archaic, actually. And, frankly, ethically challenging to do with kids. So
coming up with a viable way that is respectful of the person, the child and
the parent, but also eective I dont know what thats going to look like. I
have no idea. I dont want it to look like arousal reconditioning, I can tell
you that.
Dr. Klaus Beier doesnt believe in sexual reconditioning. He leads the team
behind Prevention Project Dunkelfeld, a therapeutic program based in
Germany that targets potential oenders. He believes that minor attraction
is a xed part of someones makeup, that its fate and not choice. His
program is considered the global gold standard of preventive treatment,
and its practitioners help adults manage their attraction to children rather
than try to change it. In my view, its not the inclination thats a problem,
he said. And I wouldnt condemn the inclination, Id condemn the
behavior. The program consists of weekly therapy sessions for up to 12
months. They favor cognitive behavioral therapy, but also oer libidoreducing medication, otherwise known as chemical castration, if a patient
needs to reduce his sexual drive in order to benet from treatment.

The cornerstone of the program, according to Beier, is condentiality.

Germany doesnt have mandated reporting, and that, he said, makes it
easier for men to seek treatment. The projects aim is to bring as many
undetected men forward as possible, which is more easily achieved when
you remove the threat of punitive action. This includes men who have
already molested a child in addition to non-oending pedophiles. In
English, Dunkelfeld translates to dark eld. Beier said most cases of child
sexual abuse go unreported, and though it can be ethically challenging to
suggest that sex oenders evade immediate prosecution, he and his

colleagues believe that its better to bring them into the light for the sake of
preventing further instances of abuse.
Telling the police would not be the rst step we would choose, said
Dunkelfelds research coordinator, Gerold Scherner. If we know about this,
we will talk about it frankly and openly: What happened? What can you do?
How safe is the child?
In the United States, researchers can apply for a Certicate of
Condentiality. These federal certicates, if granted, protect the privacy of
research study participants and can oer temporary exemptions from
mandatory reporting laws. But there has been only one certicate granted
in the area of pedophilia research. Between 1977 and 1985, Dr. Gene Abel
interviewed 561 unidentied sex oenders in order to better understand
this under-researched population. No one has been given one since.
Its a hard ask, but Letourneau is considering applying for a certicate
when she launches her new program. She doesnt know if shell have much
luck. Id like to be able to include youth who have oended but who are
undetected, and the reason for that is that if theyre undetected theyre
gonna stay undetected, she said. Do you want them to get help or not?
For my money, you really want to be working with the kids who have
already started oending, because those are the ones most likely to oend
again.

Its not that I dont want to see

a therapist, said Mike, a 21-yearold on the West Coast. Its just
that I dont feel that I can see a
therapist.
I had been speaking with Mike
online for two months before he
agreed to let me y out and meet in person. We met in the parking lot of a
local supermarket and wound up talking in front of a Starbucks. He is pale
and slight, and has a long face dominated by high cheekbones, wide brown
eyes and dark, curly hair. Unlike Adam, he is outwardly condent and
unguarded; he talks fast, casually jumping from one topic to the next, and
has no reservations about discussing his attraction to children. He
explained that he maintains a clear distinction between those he feels
sexually attracted to and those with whom he feels a close paternal bond.

He told me he only feels an erotic pull to girls aged seven to 12, and that for
two-to-six-year-olds its more of a protective, almost brotherly instinct. He
said this is what makes him such a good preschool teacher.
He is currently studying child development, and substitute teaches parttime for a pre-kindergarten program. He plans to continue working with
kids up to six when he graduates from college, and said his connection to
children helps him relate to them better. Ive had people say, If you dont
go into teaching youre doing the world a disservice. Like, youre brilliant,
why would you not? he said. I never felt like I shouldnt be here, this is
dangerous Long-term maybe this is a bad idea, but in the moment, right
now where Im at, Im ne.
Mike rst noticed his sexual interest in children at 13, when he developed a
crush on a girl he used to babysit. She was around three at the time and
would strip naked and run around the house. I was aware of it but it was
like, well, it will go away, he said. Im 13, so Im transitioning from girls
without boobs to girls with boobs. He said he never acted on it, but that
doesnt mean he wasnt tempted, admitting that he would nd himself
overcome with curiosity when he changed her diaper. Id want to touch
her and thats kind of as far as anything went, he said.
When he started his teaching placement, he created a strict set of rules:
staying away from the bathroom area where possible and avoiding any
physical contact with the children. He said he would tense up when the
more playful kids approached him for a hug. This wasnt so much to keep
the children safe, he told me, as to ensure people wouldnt become wary of
him. Which was something his dad warned him about when he rst started.
Hes like, People are going to be suspicious of you simply because youre a
guy. Dont do anything stupid, he said. And, honestly, I wonder if that
had anything to do with it, because that kind of freaked me out.
Adam asked Mike to be the rst one to join the group in mid-2011, and
theyve communicated almost daily since. He said hes not worried that
Mike will abuse the children in his care, but he does wonder why he would
leave himself open to temptation. As much as I support Mike, and Im
denitely very close with him, his becoming a teacher is never something
Ive supported, he said. And not because I think hed slip up, because I
honestly believe very rmly that he wouldnt, but I think hes going to
torture himself a lot in that position. I think thats not going to make him
very happy.

Like Adam, Mike grew

increasingly depressed while
grappling with his desires. He
never made active plans to
commit suicide, but told me that
he thought about it and knew
what to do if the time came. If I
had a sawn-o shotgun, that
would be it, he said. I dont
want to take pills because I
could come back from that.
Ultimately, he felt he couldnt
kill himself and leave his family
with no context for what he had
done, and instead hoped that
God would take care of matters
for him. But at the same time, I
was still It would be nice if I
got hit by a car or I got really
sick, he said.
More than anyone else I spoke
with, Mike seems like he could
benet from having a
professional to talk to, and not
just because of his proximity to
children. I was taken by his
urgent need to disclose
information others might have a
hard time expressing. Late one
afternoon we were sitting in his
car in the parking lot of a dierent shopping mall. After hours of
conversation, I suggested that we wrap for the day and he at-out refused,
telling me in an uncharacteristically abrupt tone that he had to get it out.
We continued speaking until the encroaching shadows nally met and
turned to darkness, stopping only when the centers cleaning sta began
arriving for their nights work.

In place of therapy, Mike leans on Adam and the group. They talk via email,
text, telephone, and Skype, but their primary tool of communication is
Gchat, where they can speak in groups or have multiple conversations at

the same time. If arguments

break out among members they
look to Adam, their default
leader, for advice.
In the beginning they were all
pretty fragile, wrestling with this
dark secret and what it meant
for their futures. But once theyd exhausted talk of their attraction to
children and the unique set of issues that come with it, they turned to far
more routine topics: chatting about computer games or The Walking Dead,
or sharing random YouTube clips.
Adam told me that sometimes theyd tease each other about peer-aged
crushes, oering relationship advice and egging each other on to ask people
out. I talked to Mike a fair bit about dating. Partly about the guy I dated for
a little while and partly about this girl in his class who he wanted to ask out.
Hed nd every excuse in the world not to do so, and Id be supportive by
trying to push him to take the leap, he said. We did talk about everyday
things that most everyone else in the world has to deal with.

James, 22, is another member of the group, and the only registered sex
oender. In May 2011 he was convicted of indecent liberty with a minor and
sent to prison. Adam was reluctant to break the groups most fundamental

rule by letting him join, but eventually became convinced of his

commitment not to reoend. Since then, theyve grown close. We talk
about the obvious subject of being a pedophile, you cant get around that,
James said, adding that its lost some of its urgency over the years. We just
think about it as if were both fans of this sports team. We sit there and talk
about it in that same direction, but we can immediately turn around and
talk about something else. To other people its a huge deal, but to us its
just life. Life as it is. Weve been living with it our whole lives.
When I asked Adam to show me examples of their chats, he said they no
longer keep records for security reasons. But, after some digging, he
eventually found a handful of logs from the early days. The conversations in
the documents he sent me veered from mundane to earnest, among them a
discussion of whether shotacon or loliconmanga and anime depictions of
intergenerational sexare morally acceptable alternatives to child porn.
On several occasions it seemed like they were testing the waters with each
other, admitting suspect behavior and then waiting for the other one to
respond.

1:46PMMike:soyoureright
idohaveaproblem
ivestartedgooglingpicturesofgirlsintheirunderwear
andsuchonaregularbasis
sofuckingawful
1:47PMAdam:youneedtostopthisbeforeitstoolate
ifIcan,socanyou
Mike:yeah
iveevenseensomeCPshowupintheresults
Adam::o
Mike:thatwasreallydisturbing
itwasntserious
Adam:didyoulookatit?

Mike:no
admittedlyIkindawantedtothough
1:48PMAdam:youneedtostop

Adams group of young pedophiles isnt the only such self-help resource on
the internet. There is B4U-ACT, a Maryland-based outt with around 100
subscribers, which oers peer support services to pedophiles and
guidelines for accessing mental health providers who might be willing to
help. However, the moderators of B4U-ACT claim that because theyre not
a research organization they cant say whether all instances of adult-child
sex are intrinsically harmful. But we do support and would advocate for
minor-attracted people to live law-abiding lives, said Matthew Hutton, the
groups spokesperson, who uses a pseudonym to protect his identity. Even
though we acknowledge the existence of research in the past that might say
that some sort of contact between teenagers and older people might not be
so harmful.
This ambiguity made Adam and some others uncomfortable, and its why he
didnt stick around for long after signing up. A splinter group was formed,
named Virtuous Pedophiles. Now the largest pedophile support group in
the U.S., its 318 active members are clear in their belief that sex with
children is wrong. The founders, Ethan Edwards and Nick Devin (also
pseudonyms), both family men with children, enact this policy with tight
moderation. If someone is seen to be voicing the opinion that minor sex is
acceptable, he gets a warning. Repeat oenders are ousted from the group.
The membership list is also restricted to those aged 18 and over, lest they
be accused of wrongdoing.
While Adam contributes to discussions there from time to time, his focus
remains on the young men who come to his own group for help. James, for
one, speaks with a clear reverence for Adam. Though his status as a sex
oender means he must attend court-mandated therapy, it is Adam and the
others that he credits with helping keep him on the right path. Its also not
lost on him that, for everyone else, it is the only lifeline they have. If they
want help, if they want to be better, to try and x their behavior and be a
better person, hes never given up on them, he said. He didnt give up on
me, he didnt give up on Mike, he never gave up on any of us.

When I told Professor

Letourneau that I was in contact
with a group of young, nonoending pedophiles, she
seemed taken aback. In her 25
years in the eld shes had
plenty of experience with
juveniles who have abused
children, but she had never met a pedophile who hasnt. It seemed strange
to me considering her line of work, but she explained that, because such
pedophiles rarely come forward, researchers have no way of accessing this
particular segment of the population. I dont know anyone else who has
made it a goal to talk to young people who have an attraction to younger
people, she said.
I asked her if shed like to be put in touch with the group, and she jumped
at the chance. After speaking with four of them over the phone, which she
described as kind of a life-altering experience, she ew out and met Adam
face-to-face, and has been speaking with him regularly ever since. She said
they have taught her things about pedophilia that she didnt know before,
and its giving her a clearer understanding of how these attractions develop.
Shes now using this information to modify her proposed treatment plan
and has brought Adam on as an ocial advisor.

Im not a teenage boy attracted to children, and so I dont know what that
experience is like, she said. They all describe years of just agonizing selfhatred, agonizing fear of being detected as having sexual interest in
children, viewing themselves as monsters, being afraid to look for help If
they could have just turned to someone to talk about this, a professional
whos going to treat this objectively and see them as a person of worth,

whos going to know that theyre not bad kids, that theyre good kids but
they have this aspect of them that they really need help controlling. Thats
what theyre looking for and thats what I hope we can provide.
Adams input has helped expedite the pilot program shes putting together,
aimed at pedophiles aged 17 and under. If successful, it will provide the
foundation for a comprehensive preventive model, which she hopes to
eventually expand to include pedophiles of all ages, that will be rolled out
online and to therapists across the country. Though its in the early
planning stages, Letourneau imagines it will involve disabusing them of the
notion that sex with children is ever appropriate, improving self-esteem in
light of a situation that might not change, and strengthening social
interaction with their peers. In many ways, its an extension of what Adam
has been doing with his group for the past three years.
The last time I saw Adam in person we found ourselves sitting, once again,
in his car. We had been talking for a few hours and were about to nish up
when I asked him what it feels like to be not only a pedophile, but
something of a pioneer. He paused for a moment before answering. Its
one part of what denes me. You know, a small part of the puzzle, he said.
Part of me is a pedophile but thats not all I am. Im also, I think, a very
decent person in a lot of other ways. Im denitely a very caring person I
have hobbies, I have interests, I have studies, and things like that all put
together dene who I am.

This story was written by Luke Malone. It was edited by Mark Lotto, factchecked by Hilary Elkins, and copy-edited by Lawrence Levi. Illustrations by
Simon Prades. A version of this story rst appeared on This American Life.
Read more: Editor Mark Lotto discusses the graphic nature of this story,
and art director Erich Nagler talks about how to illustrate the most
horrifying piece in the world.
Kindle | Nook | iBook

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Luke Malone
Journalist/producer at large and in charge.
Published on Aug 10, 2014. All rights reserved by the author.
Thanks to Lawrence Levi and Hilary Elkins.

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